That's LCD Sound System with North American Scum.
Hey, this is Sadam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Here with you until midday, 12 o'clock.
That's the central point of the day when absolutely everything changes and you get a chance to start again.
The pivot.
The pivot of the day, yes.
That was quite exhausting for the first track, wasn't it?
Yeah, well, he's got some issues with North Americans.
He doesn't like himself.
And it was up tempo.
Oh, I think we're going to have to calm it down a bit later.
We've got some mellow songs.
I picked out a couple of really pretty mellow things to play this week.
What about you?
Yeah, I'm very pleased with my free plays this morning.
We've got some Jim O'Rourke coming up and some Tribe Called Quest.
Yeah, some really good music.
Some Van Morrison, that's your one, Adam.
Yeah.
Some great session tracks.
We'll of course be resolving last week's Song Wars, which prompted the largest ever.
Voting response in the history of the entire Isle of Wight of the entire Isle of Wight Yeah, oh gosh.
No in the in the history of song wars.
Yeah, I think we've got more votes than ever before Oh my lord, that's not gonna do me any favors though.
Let me guess
Just to remind listeners that song wars is where Joe and myself write a song each week with a usually with a theme suggested in part by the listeners and We battle it out to see who wins.
I've I've lost every single week.
That's not true seven weeks except true except once Yeah, you're eponymous on for a listener.
So that wouldn't be eponymous would it that one?
Yeah.
Yeah
Song Wars has become an awful albatross around our necks.
No, it's good, man.
We've got a whole album's worth of great songs and people love listening to those songs.
I started mine at 4.30 last night.
No way.
Finished at 9.30.
This morning?
No, last night.
Oh, I see.
Yeah.
4.30, that's technically the afternoon.
You're aware of that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but still I'd got home from a very busy day.
I had a very busy week.
All I wanted to do was watch Telly.
All I had a busy week.
But you have to fit your song wars in.
Sprinkles.
Anyway, we'll be hearing the fruits of Joe's Labour and mine as well.
Christmas songs was the theme this week.
So we'll be unveiling our Christmas songs and we'll be finding out who won last week's song wars where we had to write an imaginary
outro theme from a movie that never really had one.
Joe wrote one for The Shining, I wrote one for The Hours, and we'll find out who won that within the next half hour.
But now I think it's time we played some more great music here at Six Music.
Hold tight, this is the White Stripes.
Hello, hello, hello.
My name is Joe.
I would like to go to a good show, like Billy Elliot or The Lion King, but I cannot, because I cannot afford to get in.
That's good, man.
I love that rap.
Yeah, it's very simple.
It's from the early days of rap.
Is it?
Proto-rap?
Yeah, it was one of the first raps.
That's why it's so very basic.
Yeah, and the Olympic rap.
Yeah.
Hey, listen to this jingle.
It's time to solve wars, the war of the songs.
And we've got Ben here.
He's not our regular producer, but we're very happy to have him here.
I think Jude is a bit ill today, our regular producer.
I hope you're getting better, Jude, if you're listening.
We miss you.
She's not listening.
She might be.
You never know.
I bet she's not.
I mean, if I was her, I wouldn't be.
Jude, if you're listening, text 64046.
If you're not,
Uh, then you might go down in our estimation like a tiny bit of a millimeter.
I should go up in mine, man.
If I was ill, I'd be lying in.
I would be way asleep.
She should take her jobs really seriously.
She should listen to every word.
She should be making notes.
That's true.
She should be.
Ben's nodding.
You see, Ben would be listening.
I will be, yes.
Ben's listening now.
Ben, I was going to say that sometimes our song war songs tend to be a little quiet so you've really got to crank up the volume because I hate the idea that we put all this work into them and then they just dribble out of there.
Crank up the volume, crank up the volume.
But now it's time to find out which one of our songs are exit music for films that never were.
has won Song Wars.
And passing me the results sheet.
Before we go to the results, let's have a look at some of the emails that we've got in our very big post bag that we've had this week.
And we really have had more texts, not texts, emails than ever before.
Giles Pocklington, he's emailed in before.
Hey, Pockles.
It's just the same four people who've emailed in many times.
Dear Adam and Joe, what a thrill it was to hear Joe pick my suggestion for The Shining on a dull Monday afternoon.
Giles suggested that I did the closing credits music for The Shining, and now he's emailing to thank me a very good effort too, apart from the nonsensical last few lines which, if where to be honest, were utter tosh.
I have to say, Adam's The Hours song was really good, no really.
A vote for Buxton.
So I select his song and he doesn't even vote for it.
He was stroking you for a little while with one hand, then he reached around and slapped you with the other one.
Bad parenting.
Greetings loves, says Lucy Loftus.
I wholeheartedly vote for Adam this week.
It's foot-tappingly funky and clearly a better song.
Joe, however, is clearly feeling so smug about his hearty lead that he thinks he can farm out ballad-based rubbish and still win.
His song was so awful, it prompted my husband to stomp into the room and shout, What muck have you bought now?
Joe, hang your head.
Hang your head?
That's a bit harsh.
People are so cruel.
Listen, I can't help feeling happy about the sentiment, but that's a bit much.
Wait, you get this though.
Martin Workman.
He works for MCM Productions.
There are video events and broadcast graphics production.
He writes, uh, subject song wars.
Both a bit rubbish.
Well below par in the comedy stakes.
You guys just recounted what happened in the films rather than giving a subjective comedy take on them.
I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.
It was like a film review with no opinions.
Nice.
Well, and that's in the comedy sticks.
That's not even within our own parameters.
Is that ironic in any way?
No.
He's just opinionated and furious.
He's absolutely furious about it.
Quite right.
What's his name again?
His name is... Mr. Workman.
Martin Workman.
Martin the Workman.
Quite right, Martin.
Keep those standards maintained.
Yeah, that's pretty much it, you know.
That's harsh.
But it's harsh, Martin, because when you consider, like, we're not saying where a musical genius is, but we certainly put a lot of effort into these.
Some more than others, depending on the week.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, sometimes you just run out.
Hey, look, we've had a text.
We've had one text.
You can text us on 64046.
That'll be more relevant, uh, when we ask you to vote for Song Wars, but that'll be the new Song Wars, this is the old Song Wars, so let's check the results, ready?
Yeah, let's find out who won.
So it was Adam's song about the hours, uh, the film directed by Billy Elliot Mann, what's his name?
Uh, Stephen Dolch.
There you go.
Uh, all about Virginia Woolf.
Yeah.
Uh, based on, was it based on Mrs. Dalloway?
Mrs. Dalloway was the... And it was a very good song.
I would have voted for your song.
Would you?
Yeah, I would.
Uh, or it was my song about The Shining, and...
Oh my gosh.
What is it?
You've won again, haven't you?
Oh my god.
Do you really think I've won?
Yeah.
No, you've won by 86% to 14% for Joe.
It's a landslide.
What a surprise to me.
It's a very good song this week.
So let's have another listen to Adam's song.
You've got to imagine.
What's the final shot of the hours then?
Now you're asking.
It's probably Virginia Woolf going for the swim in the river.
It may well be to tie the whole thing up.
That's how it starts.
Yeah, probably.
It's probably bookended.
I would think so.
You know, so imagine that happening.
Virginia's plastic nose goes under the water and then the credits roll and you hear this.
Dearest.
I feel certain that I'm going mad again.
I begin to hear voices.
So I am doing what seems to be the best
Virginia Woolf is writing Mrs. Dalloway It is about a woman's day making party plans A housewife in the fifties is reading Mrs. Dalloway A woman in the noughties is making party plans Three women with unwelcome obligations to the men In the lies that they feel they never chose
All of them depressed, and wishing they could just escape like the ginger wolf with her wonky plastic nose.
I choose not the suffocating and aesthetic of the suburbs, but the violent jaunt of the Capitol.
It was a tragedy that Virginia Wilf felt she had to drown herself Just because she was depressed and she was bisexual In those days both those subjects were not well understood Nowadays there's lithium and lots of many friends, yes How will you fill up the hours of your lady life?
Will you serve pathetic men?
Will you be a wife?
I just like it.
Will you just read Gracia and bake your stupid cakes?
Does that really make you happy?
I think you deserve a lovely party.
Mrs. Darling said you'd buy the flowers yourself.
Sally, I think I'd buy the flowers myself.
Huh?
There we go, powerful stuff.
The winner of Song Wars this week is Adam's song from The Hours.
Yes, skills!
Well done man, that's very good.
I would have voted for that.
Thank you.
I think that's a well deserved win.
That's very magnanimous of you.
Yeah, I don't mean it.
I'm angry.
Here's this.
Are we playing the stringless?
No, we're going to have some real music now.
This is from a real man who's made a whole career out of making music and it's one of his best songs.
Here's Lou Reed.
That was George Michael with Faith.
This is Adam and Joe on BBC 6 Music.
It wasn't George Michael with Faith.
It was Lou Reed.
Here's Eric Fisher with the news.
That's the charlatans with Love is the Key.
So, you know, if Love is the Key, what's the door?
Uh, that's too rude at this time of the morning, Adam.
Okay.
Got you.
You get me?
I think I do get you.
Adam?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now listen, I'm, uh, I'm just flicking through.
This is Adam and Joanne today.
We just got an email from someone saying, who are you?
It was a text.
Just furious.
Who, who are you?
He probably switched on and he, he was embroiled in lots of song war stuff and just thought, I don't know who these people are, but they're very involved in their own strange business and it makes me very angry.
So he thought he'd text in and
Let us know.
So listen, we're Adam and Joe.
We're just two human beings.
We're from the 90s.
We were on television once a very long time ago and here we are.
I've just been flicking through the We Love Tele magazine from
Which magazine is this?
Oh, the Daily Mirror.
And it's got all the Christmas telly stuff in it.
Wicked, wicked.
There's a lot of good, well, there's a lot of telly coming up on the Christmas and things like extras.
Ooh, the extras Christmas special on Thursday the 27th of December.
Be interested in that.
That's the last one ever.
They'll never make another one.
No more extras.
And what else have we got?
What's the point?
What is the point?
The point is all this great Christmas telly that we're going to be seeing.
But no, one of the things I'm very excited about is Knoll's Christmas presents.
Now you were saying there's some trail on for it at the moment?
Yeah, if you own an evil Murdoch box and get Murdoch telly,
Uh, then watch out for Noel Edmonds' new, uh, trail.
He's obviously had a massive renaissance, Noel, with deal or no deal.
Um, and, uh, Skye have paid him a lot of money to host Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old?
And he's kind of had a renaissance, hence the return of his Christmas Day show.
Well, he's very- he's quintessentially Christmassy in many ways.
I mean, his name is Noel, for a start.
Uh, he looks a tiny bit like Jesus.
True.
Uh, he's- He's got magical powers.
He's got magical powers.
He rose again from the dead.
That's true.
And he can probably turn water into some kind of... Fizzy pop.
But if you were like a kiddie in the 80s and stuff, he had a show every Christmas day, wasn't it?
And didn't it come from the top of the post office tower?
What was then known as the post office tower?
Before the post office was sold to BT or whatever.
And he would get all sorts of disadvantaged people and give them amazing presents.
Well, this show's been brought back for Skye, I think, over Christmas, and he's done the most demented trail in, I think, in the history of trails for it.
Do watch out for it.
Now, he's obviously, he does genuinely have magic powers, because the thing about Deal or No Deal is it's all to do with luck.
Isn't it?
And it's all to do with, you know, calling on higher forces.
He's got this weird mystical kind of weird quasi-religion that he's written a book, hasn't he, about cosmic ordering, it's called.
That's right.
If you want something from life, you just ask the sky.
I'd like a BMW.
Yeah.
Give me a BMW, and according to Noel, you'll just get one.
Something like that.
I might be overly simplifying it.
I might not.
Right.
It's something like that.
So he's kind of turning into a sort of TV, David Icke type person, vaguely.
Anyway, in his trail, I couldn't really take it all in the other night when I saw it, but there are some people having a party, and someone's given a massive present, and they open it, and Noel comes out.
And they look astonished.
Er, is he wearing clothes?
Yeah, as far as I could see he's wearing clothes.
Then there was another quick shot of Noel dressed as a nun.
Approaching some women and smiling in a really creepy way.
And then the final sucker punch was Noel.
You know, in that way he was standing in his studio and he was standing three quarters onto the camera.
Do you know that way people stand?
It's the way that page three girls stand.
Yeah, that you never do in life.
Yes, but you do I don't know when you're trying to look authoritative news readers sometimes do it people it's basically the trail stance It's a flattering three quarters on and turn to the camera like that.
Yeah, and he does that and he says I believe in the power of Christmas
Oh my lord.
So he doesn't believe in Christmas.
Yeah.
He hates Christmas, but he believes in the power of Christmas.
Right.
But he says it as if he's ushering in at some kind of new religious dawn.
Do you know what I mean?
He's doing some amazing stuff in this show.
It was apparently recently voted one of the top 10 Christmas shows of all time.
Personally, when it used to come on, it would be the only bad bit about Christmas for me.
I used to enjoy it.
Did you?
Yeah, I like to see people in the forces giving messages to their loved ones.
Well, he's got a little bit of that.
He says, Noel takes a group of mums, dads and kids who have lost loved ones in Iraq and Afghanistan on a magical trip to Lapland, because that's what they need.
That's good.
I think that's in the trail.
Right, right.
So they're off to Lapland.
But, and what else have we got?
It's all heartwarming stuff, a nine-year-old.
So there's sort of logic as well.
There's always Santa.
Yeah, exactly.
Don't worry.
Which isn't that comfortable.
Because of various, you know, facts about Santa.
I just think how much fun could it be for the families involved, you know what I mean?
Like making TV is not an enjoyable process generally.
And when they go off there with the crew and they have to do all their little retakes or whatever and the travelling and the knoll and
I tell you what, we'll have to watch it.
Yes, that's true.
And talk about it in the new year.
Well, you can watch it on Sunday the 23rd of December on Sky One at 6pm.
That's Knoll's Christmas Presents.
But right now, here's some more music.
This is Balloons.
Is it Balloons with Folds or Folds with Balloons?
No, it's Folds with Balloons.
That's Fools with Balloons.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
We're with you until midday today, and it's time now to launch the nation's favourite feature.
Text the nation!
Text!
Text the nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation!
What if I'm using email?
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
Yes, text the nation the time of the show where we, and, uh, pay attention to this because it's complicated, ask you to text us... ...about things.
Things.
Uh, this week's subject is... Stupid, stupid, stupid lies, you've told.
Stupidest lie you've ever told, with possibly the worst consequences, like the worst the consequences the more... Yeah, nothing awful.
No, we don't want to hear about, like, death or... Well, you can send them in, but we're unlikely to read them out.
Yeah, or if it ends up with, like, you know, I was divorced, and I was never happy again.
That would be fine.
My children would love me.
That would be fine.
Really?
Yeah.
That's no good.
No, we don't really want to.
It wouldn't be fine.
It's not Christmasy.
Not very Christmasy, that's true.
Send them to Noel.
Noel will do a show, he'll do a little slot on his show for them, but we don't really deal with anything like that.
Uh, last week, was it last week?
I think it was last week, I was telling Adam and you listeners how once I told a girl that I had a bad heart in order to get her to snog me.
I told her I had a terrible, and this is tempting fate in a very, you know, silly way.
That's right.
I told her I had a kind of a dodgy valve.
And that I wasn't long for this world and she'd better get in there, quickos.
If she wanted a piece of the corns.
And it worked.
A nugget of corn.
She got a little corn on the cob.
She did.
She had a nibble.
I had a nibble.
Mmm butter all around my mouth.
Okay.
What?
Nothing.
So it worked.
It did work, but I do regret it.
That was a terrible, terrible, terrible, stupid, horrible thing to do.
You know, if the consequences were really dire, you could string that out to a whole film and call it the boy with the bad heart, because it would be like... It would work on two levels, wouldn't it?
Like a two-level car park.
Exactly, or a bungalow with an extra level on top of the bungalow.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so here are some emails we've had in over the week.
Hi, Adam and Joe.
This is from Damian Radcliffe.
I lied in primary school in an assembly held by a priest man.
He asked us all, who's been to Palestine?
I put up my hand without absolutely nothing to say.
I have no idea why.
Compulsion?
Just wanted to be the centre of attention.
I've been to Palestine, that's a good one.
Have you been to Palestine?
No.
Why did you put your hand up?
I don't know.
I like that kind of thing.
I bet, Damien, I bet you're quite clever.
Yeah, that's the kind of thing a clever person does.
I bet you could have bluffed it, man.
Anne-Marie Adair has sent in an email saying, I faked my discus scores in third year senior school PE lessons because I was embarrassed at how bad the real scores were, but I faked them too well and got chosen to throw discus at the school sports day due to my seemingly amazing abilities.
I was obviously dismal at it, but it taught me a lesson in a wonder years kind of way.
Yeah, that's good That is good and presumably I wonder if she then lied about being bad discus on the day Do you think she you know what she should have said?
What?
She said I've got a heart condition
I've got a dodgy valve, and my arm's gone limp.
That's what I would have said.
But the whole business of cheating in exams, that's a kind of different kettle of fish.
Because I, I mean, the big British castle would not recommend this kind of behaviour, but I cheated like a man possessed.
Well, you were in prison for about 15 years.
I wasn't.
I got away with it.
Scott Free.
And I'm trying to imply to listeners that it doesn't pay to cheat.
It doesn't pay to cheat, that's right.
I've been in a kind of a mental prison of guilt.
Yes, that's true.
That's true.
I did a little bit of cheating as well, for which I served time and was badly tortured.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
In a Spanish exam, I went and hid a Spanish dictionary behind the U-bend of the Lavi.
Did you?
And then asked to go to the lab.
That's a different kettle of fish, though, cheating, really, isn't it?
We're not after cheating, we're after lying.
Yeah, exactly.
Hannah Arif says dear Adam and Jo when I was about six our teacher at school asked us one day if we'd ever seen Santa Claus I was completely amazed when people said they had how jealous I was when I found out people had seen him on Christmas Eve putting out their presents My favorite story was the elaborate tale of Robert Rawlinson who proceeded to tell us how he woke up on Christmas Eve to see Santa's boots on the landing
He then heard that someone was taking a shower, so he went to investigate him.
What did he find?
Why Santa, of course, taking a shower in his house.
I was amazed, flabbergasted, and to be honest, very jealous.
Although at the time I remember thinking that his mum was probably having an affair with Santa.
But I didn't tell Robert this in case I burst his bubble.
There's a song about that.
I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus.
That's true.
And it's a sort of faintly disturbing song because you think that would scar you, you know.
Even however much you like Santa, you don't want to see him snog your mum, because that's revolting.
I mean, that's horrible, isn't it?
Why not?
Santa's a sexy man.
Yeah, but it casts aspersions on your mum.
It turns your mum into a kind of... No, what mum could resist Santa?
Really?
Honestly, that big belly, the bushy beard.
All the presents.
The, you know, the idea of living with lots of elves.
Can you imagine?
He's probably got big factory bits all over his beard.
He probably stinks.
It'd be like going out with Mr. Majorium and living in his Wonder Emporium.
I want to talk to you about it later on.
Here's another one from Clash77.
No, sorry, it's from Rob in Birmingham.
That was his tag.
He's a member of one of the biggest gangs in Birmingham.
He's a very dangerous man, Rob.
He's not.
Hi, Adam and Joe.
You asked for the stupidest lies you've ever told, so here's mine.
As a child one evening, whilst playing outside, I thought it would be really clever if I span around and round as fast as I could to impress my friends.
He's spammed.
That's not the lie.
Unfortunately, I lost my balance and banged my head, cutting it and making myself cry in the process.
What will I tell people?
I cried as I noticed the nasty cut.
Don't worry, said a friend.
I've got a plan.
And he came up with an excellent cover story which involved me being set upon by a group of lads from a rival tougher school and me coming out on top with only this gash on my head to show.
No way.
It's all right, we'll back your story up, they reliably told me.
He is a member of a gang.
The next day, when I went to school, word had got out and crowds gathered round me in the playground to see if it was true.
Harder lads patted me on the back.
Girls... Girls touched the cut on my head.
And they even started chanting, Ro-key!
Ro-key!
In my honour.
Already, I was beginning to feel the pressure as the light built up inside of me and my story became less convincing by each question I was asked.
By dinnertime, I could sense my friends had grown jealous of my celebrity and were going to spill the beans.
By afternoon break, they'd done this and in the short space of seven hours, I'd gone from hero to zero.
I walk home from school alone and can remember the cutting comments such as, look it's Frank Bruno and ear lads, can you smell BS?
To this day I've never told a lie since.
Hey good one.
Not sure that's true.
Thanks very much for those emails and texts.
Please keep them coming in on the subject of the stupidest lie you've ever told.
Yeah those were just teasers to get your stories coming in.
Text 64046 or email adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk
Now, very shortly, we're going to be unveiling our new Song Wars efforts for this week.
But before that, I think we should have quite a lot of exciting music and maybe a wonderful trail.
Are we having a wonderful trail now, Ben?
No, another one.
Hey, what's wrong with... This show's becoming a trailer park.
Because it's so popular, everyone wants to put their trail in it.
Is that so?
No.
Okay.
Here it is.
That's Soft Cell with Bedsitter, that's a session track recorded for the Richard Skinner Show on Radio 1 on the 26th of July 1981.
The Skinmeister.
That was a good version of Bedsitter, Anderson.
Yeah, this is Adam and Jo on BBC 6 Music.
Happy Saturday morning, we're coming to the end of the first hour of our three-hour show.
We're here with you until 12.
All sorts of stuff going on, we've got a new song wars coming up.
We're in the midst of Text the Nation.
We've got very exciting things to talk about.
This has got to be one of the busiest shopping weekends in the world, isn't it?
I like it in the year, isn't it?
Yeah, probably.
People doing all that shopping and listening.
Probably no one listening.
Also, films like Christmas films just suddenly pop out without you noticing.
Have you ever noticed that?
Suddenly, you know, they'll just spring something on you.
I mean, there's Jack Claws, Fred Claws.
Fred Claws, yeah.
They released that too early.
Yeah.
And it was supposed to be a bit of a stinker.
That was around for a while, stinking up the area.
Uh, there's Enchanted, which has come out.
They've got Enchanted Lights in Oxford Street.
Sponsored Lights?
Yeah, which is no good, man.
That is totally uncomfortable.
Well, I can't afford to put them up unless they have a sponsor.
Is that the case?
Mm, I think so.
Ah, it's a shame.
Yeah, it's supposed to be all right, I don't feel.
No, I don't believe.
No, it's supposed to be all right.
It's done very well in the States, isn't it?
It's done very well.
Well done.
I mean, it just seems such a tired idea.
Would you like your film well done?
Okay, I'm talking.
Um, I was just thinking about it.
It's delicious.
Mmm.
You know, I'd like it a little bit rare.
But the most gaudy and frightful-looking Christmas film that's popped out is, has got to be Mr. Majorium's Wonder Emporiums, which is directed by the guy that wrote a Will Ferrell film called Stranger Than Fiction, which was a very big noise.
The screenwriter was fated as a brilliant new talent.
Did you see Stranger Than Fiction?
I did see it, yes.
Partly because, um, Britt Daniel from Spoon, one of my favourite bands, provided a lot of the music.
Well, is that true?
Yeah.
What did you think of it?
Well, I loved the music.
Um, I didn't hate the film, but it was on the verge of being very irritating.
Mr Majorium's Wonder Emporium has got the most gaudy poster I've ever seen.
Yeah.
Um, it's amazing, isn't it?
It's like, it's a little, it reminds me that it's the same color scheme as vomit and the Tim Allen, um, picture.
What's the one that he was in Santa Claus.
Is it the Santa Claus?
In my mind, I've got, uh, I've got someone dressed as Santa, uh, strung up in a string of lights.
Yeah, sure, that's National Lampoon's Christmas.
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.
But no, there's no Santa in Mr. Majorium's Wonder Emporium, I don't think, but it is a terrible title, isn't it?
It might be brilliant, and Natalie Portoble, man.
And it's a terrible title, Mr. Majorium's Wonder Emporium.
Which certainly sounds as if he thought of the Emporium before the Majorium.
Yeah.
We were thinking you could have Mrs. Gleesop's tea shops.
You know, it's not difficult, is it?
Tommy Roper Rollers can of Coca-Cola.
I like Ned Pops.
Cake Shops.
Is there, um, is there someone called Mr. Majorium?
Has there ever been anyone called Mr. Majorium?
I don't think so.
I mean, there's a spice called Marjoram, isn't there?
It doesn't bode well, does it, for the general writing level?
No.
But anyway, if you've seen that film, do tell us whether it's any good.
What could it be about, then?
It's about a magic toy shop run by Mr. Majorium.
He's a very old kind of Willy Wonka type person who runs the toy shop.
And the toy shop decides to close.
It goes out of business.
But the toys come to life in order to keep it open.
Wow.
A little bit like Night at the Museum.
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, it might be amazing.
I'd love to find out, certainly.
Now listen, we're going to play a bit more music right now and then we are going to unveil our new Christmas Song Wars songs for you listeners.
So that'll be exciting, won't it?
Here's the Decemberist before we do, though.
The Decemberist with O Valencia.
This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.
It's time for... It's time for Song Wars.
Yes, it's time to launch this week's Song Wars.
We apologize if you feel that this feature is kind of spreading across the show like an ugly audio rash.
There's nothing we can do.
It's out of control.
It's like a giant moose.
Well this is going to be the last song wars for a few weeks.
That's true actually.
It's taking a Christmas break and it will be back in the new year refreshed, revitalised and a little bit fatter.
So this week's theme is Christmas songs of course.
Christmas is a time when everybody and their uncle tries to cash in on the Christmas single buying frenzy that doesn't really exist.
And we've never done a Christmas song before.
That seems amazing to me that two such jaded, cynical tools as us would have passed up the opportunity to do a Christmas single.
However, GarageBand isn't very rich on Christmas sounds, is it?
Not really.
There's no sleigh bells.
No.
So what direction have you gone?
I've gone in a kind of a... I don't really know.
An odd direction a panicked and desperate for 30 p.m.
Yesterday kind of a direction I've gone on a little kind of narrative.
Are you tell me?
Okay.
Well, listen, I went first last week Do you want to go first?
No, no, I went second.
Yeah.
Yeah, so I don't mind going first.
Would you prefer?
Sure, go first, do it.
I went in a sort of... Hey, sorry, can I just explain to the listeners who might be new to the show, we're gonna play you two songs, one of them's written by Adam and recorded by Adam, one of them's written and recorded by me, we just do them at home on our computers, on Garrosh Band.
And we'd like you to text to vote for the one you think is the best.
You can text 64046 or email adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
It's a bit like X Factor, only it doesn't really cost you anything to text in.
And the music's a lot better.
We don't know really, but certainly nobody's getting fat off the profits.
And so, yeah, that's it.
And you can just text Adam or Joe, just the word Adam or Joe.
Or if you want to text some logic or some passionate thoughts about the songs, then we love that as well.
So here's my Christmas song.
This is a kind of country Christmas song.
In fact, it's called Christmas Country Party Time.
And at first, I went in quite a sincere direction with it.
And then I listened back to it all.
And I just thought, I can't.
That's no good.
So I just went demented instead.
See what you think.
Well it's Christmas in the country and I'm turning off the gas Now putting stickers on my face and painting on my legs We're gonna have a party and I am so excited There's gonna be some parsley and everyone's invited Those people in the city have forgotten what Christmas means But out here in the countryside we know what Christmas means
Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas
So come on grab your favorite light bulb and a tape of G2G Buy yourself a dirty skirt and find your way to me Oh yeah we're gonna rock this party
The way that Jesus might!
You're not allowed to take no drugs and you're not allowed to fight!
But we can still have lots of fun!
Watch your Christmas DVDs like Flash and Transformers and Minority Report!
Christmas Country Party Time!
Christmas Party Time!
Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Party Time!
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas time, rent your gear, party time.
Christmas, Christmas country, Christmas, Christmas room, excuse.
Party, party, Christmas time, Christmas country time.
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas time, security waiver, Christmas time.
There you go, that's Adam's version of the Adam's Christmas song.
And it's called, uh, what is it?
Christmas Country Party Time.
There you go, now, uh, Joe.
What are you doing?
Why are you not speaking?
I'm speechless.
I thought I'd gloss over it and move on.
I feel like I've just been mugged.
Sexually assaulted.
But in a funny way.
Parsley.
Painted legs.
Stickers on face.
Germaline.
Bills.
Gina G. Light bulbs.
Sigourney Weaver, Richard Gere and a Rubik's Cube.
It's all the modern Christmas experience.
I suppose there is that... I mean, wow.
But that did have a certain something in the, you know, Christmas's sort of...
uh, meaningless in a way if you're not particularly religious and it just turns into a sort of festival of random pop-cultural nonsense.
That's the subtext.
So that was unifying some of those things, but random pop-cultural nonsense.
That's the subtext.
So that was unifying some of those things, but germaline?
Germaline.
It's an antiseptic.
If you cut yourself putting up the tree, if you get needles in under your nails, you might want to pop a bit of germaline on there.
That's all that was there.
Do you think we should have some proper music and then hear mine?
Maybe that's an idea, yeah.
Maybe.
We could sort of separate them out.
I just think the air needs to be cleared.
I think we need to call pest control.
Get the studio fume-mugated.
It's toe tapping though, come on, it's on.
It's good, man, I really like that.
There were some hoes that were down.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay then.
Now this is it.
We're gonna mellow things out a little bit right now.
Hey, my one's coming up though, listeners.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
After this, we're gonna hear Joe's Christmas song.
But this is from one of my favourite Van Morrison albums and it's what's the album called?
Oh, it's called Veeden Fleece, one of his lesser-known ones.
But I read once somewhere that it's Sinead O'Connor's favourite Van Morrison album.
That's just a little Sinead O'Connor fact for you.
But I hope you enjoy.
It's a really lovely tune.
It's called Fair Play.
That's Van Morrison with Fair Play.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
That's lovely, isn't it?
He sings their tit for tat.
That's not a fair deal, is it?
I mean, unless it's a low-quality tit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just a bit of tat.
You shouldn't get into tit for tat.
It's no good.
No, no, no.
I for an I makes the whole world blind, etc.
What's the world's oldest profession?
Exchanging some tat for a tit.
For a little bit of tit.
Yeah.
It's nice.
Nice.
Okay, it's time for my, um... Ben, is that all right?
We haven't crossed the line by saying no.
And we're talking about birds, blue tits.
Um, it's time for my Song Wars song.
We had to play a proper song there just to clear the air.
It's a new kind of, um, tactic.
I'm not saying that your song was in any way bad, Adam.
Yes, you are.
I'm not at all.
You said it was stinky and it stank up the place.
I didn't say that.
It's just, it was strong.
Like cheese, a really strong, delicious cheese.
You're gonna have to hear it again before the end of the show.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Well, I don't know if mine's going to improve the situation.
My one is called All Night Garage, and it's about kind of, you know, someone who hasn't really focused on their Christmas duties until the last minute.
And, you know, last week Adam produced a superb song about the hours.
I was intimidated by his use of samples.
So I decided to try and raise my game, and I've put some sound effects in here, so it's a bit of a narrative, but don't get worried.
It's not very long.
So this is Jao Song for Thong Wars.
It's called All Night Garage.
Here it is.
What?
Oh no!
It's nine o'clock on Christmas Eve and I ain't got no presents yet.
What am I gonna do?
I'll have to go down to the all night garage.
All night garage, all night garage, Christmas shopping at the all night garage.
Hello there, mate.
How are you doing?
I've got to buy some stuff and my Christmas will be ruined.
Is that a DVD abyss of fury?
I know it might seem like I'm a loser But on Christmas Eve, beggars can't be choosers I've got 50 quid and not much time All night garage, all night garage Christmas shopping at the all night garage All night garage, all night garage Christmas shopping at the all night garage
At times like this I can't help but feel I wish Santa Claus was really real I asked myself, what would Jesus do?
Perhaps he'd give his dad an old bottle of booze from the cupboard Forget the windscreen ones mate!
Merry Christmas!
All night garage, all night garage Christmas shopping at the all night garage All night garage, all night garage Christmas shopping at the all night garage
Joe, what's this he got me?
Delta Force Two and a cigarette lighter.
Oh, thank you, you shouldn't have.
That's your old bum there at the end.
That's my auntie Doris who just happens to rhyme with top Norris There we go.
So that's my song this week.
That's called all night garage Do send your votes text your votes to six four zero four six or email them to Adam and Jo dot six music at BBC dot co dot UK and the winner will be Unveiled as far as I know I think on our sort of pre New Year's Eve Saturday show
It's all getting a bit complicated because of Christmas and it messes all the schedule, messes it all up.
We have to pre-record a couple of shows over the Christmas period, so our minds are scrambled as to the exact chronology.
I don't think anyone's that worried.
No.
Are we going with Jay-Z next?
Yeah, this is a song we seem to be playing regularly on the show and it's no bad thing because it's really good.
It's got a brilliant sample by some kind of marching band.
Somebody sent us in the name of the band the other week.
Thank you for that, whoever that was.
Yeah, this is Jay-Z with Rock Boys.
What a frightful mess Jay-Z has made in the house.
He's weed in the house.
He's poured drinks on the house.
And he's killed the ice.
He's- He's- It's just chaos whenever Jay-Z comes.
Don't we in the house?
No, no, we on the house.
We in the garden at least.
At least it'll go into the soil.
But not on the furniture, Jay-Z.
There's no excuse, is there?
No, sure.
You know, rap is one of the only parts of the music industry that seems to be flourishing financially.
Financially?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Really?
I mean, Jay-Z is one of the most wealthy men in the world now.
Sure, sure.
But word on the street, Adam, is that rap is kind of losing its way.
But I heard that sales of rap music accounted for something like 23%, 25% of all... That's been the case for a while, though, hasn't it?
Right.
I remember when people thought rap wouldn't last.
Exactly.
It was when I was listening to it in the late eighties.
Well Kenny Everett did it because it was sad.
Exactly.
And that was taking it.
How wrong they were and how right I was.
Yeah, you're right about everything, Joe Cornish.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks.
What was that?
No, not really.
I mean, you're right about most things.
Yeah.
What was that email that we got about Mr. Majorium's...?
Yes, we've had some very good suggestions come in for other titles that are similar to Mr. Majorium's Wonder Emporium.
This came in from Aiden.
He says, Dr. Harkett's Supermarkets.
It's weird, because they're probably quite easy to think of, but still strangely rewarding.
Yeah.
Mrs. Mahaffey... Mrs. Mahaffey...
and her magical cafe.
No, I've read that wrongly.
Mahaffey.
Mrs Mahaffey and her magical cafe.
That's a good one.
Or Marcel Toutpop and his enchanted fruit shop.
That's good.
I thought of Chewietel-Eggio4's wonderful acting store.
That's quite good, but that only rhymes with the second bit of his name.
I'd say it again.
Chewietel Egeo 4's Wonderful Acting Store.
Is that no good?
I'm not sure.
The thing about Majorium and Emporium is, you know, it hits all the vowels in a really convoluted way, doesn't it?
So I don't mean to do you down.
Well, I've got... But if we're gonna do this, let's do it properly.
How about this then?
Janine McFarla's Lady Parlour.
I don't know, I'm not sure you're as good a writer as... No, I can't do it!
Look, here's how to do it.
Here's one from Simon.
What's wrong with Janine McFarland's lady parlour then?
Well, it's quite good.
Do you hear that?
What?
I went... Yeah, that's like a disgruntled horse.
Now you've got a music choice coming from this.
Yeah, this is one of my favourite reggae artists of all time and he's turned the Dreadful Sting song... What's it called in New York?
Englishman in New York?
What do you mean Dreadful?
Oh, come on, it's no good.
He's made it good.
Cheinheads made it good.
Here it is.
This is called a Jamaican in New York.
She's left big gaps there, Shine Head.
It was a bass gap.
If you got really pumping bass, that would be rattling your jing jongs.
Oh, my little jing jong.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
News from the Song Wars Vocalating Centre.
We're not giving you any definitive scores, but I think it's going to be really close.
Is it?
Yeah, I think it's dividing people.
Well, there was a lot to be said for both of those songs, or maybe a lot to be said about both of those songs.
Yeah, I think there was the same amount of not much, probably.
Maybe.
To be said.
So do get your votes in, because this week, they could really count.
It's very important this week.
It's really important that you vote.
Because all the money we raise... Imagine the consequences.
if they didn't.
BONK.
That's the cure, of course, with Lovecats.
Hey, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Here's an email that's come in from Chris.
Chris, this is a good email.
Good morning, gents.
I think what makes Mr Majorium's Wonder Emporium and Dr Harkett's supermarket work, where Adam's suggestions enjoyed only a strange sort of success, is the number of syllables.
Mr. Majoriams has six syllables, as does Wonder Emporium, balancing that title out nicely.
And Dr. Harkett's supermarket has eight syllables in total, four to each part.
It seems to me that Adams were oddly weighted, which might have accounted for Joe's slightly frigid reactions.
I'm a warehouse stranger, see, male, isn't joining the show very much, Chris.
That's true, Chris.
Absolutely valid points there.
See, he's supporting what I said.
Once again, I'm right.
Well, I don't rub it in my face like that, like some kind of face cream.
Hey, if I can't rub that in your face, what can I rub in your face?
Well, that's what I'm saying, like a little bit of Nivea.
Really?
Would be nice, yeah.
Bring her out in spots.
I'm not sure about Nivea, though.
It makes you look a little bit greasy for about five minutes afterwards.
Later on today, Joe Cornish, exciting news from my world.
I'm going to the theatre with my children.
That's unusual, isn't it?
Oh, so not properly?
Not the proper theatre, by no means.
I'm hoping that the fact that it's for children, we're going to see Tintin, so I'm quite flat.
Oh, that's supposed to be a good production.
Where's it on?
It's basically Wickelwockles.
Um, we are... where is it on software?
You don't know, do you know?
No.
Of the theatre?
It's on somewhere... I tell you, the only weird thing about Tintin is it's one of those parts that, when it's played by someone too old, just... it's weird.
In fact, it's one of those parts, a bit like Asterix and Oblix, that when it's translated from the drawn to the real,
It goes odd.
Now, of course, Spielberg and Peter Jackson are collaborating on a live-action version of Tintin.
Are they?
There are several French live-action Tintin films.
I think there's three of them.
A couple of them big screen and one of them for TV.
What about this knowledge?
That's very impressive.
Yeah, and I remember seeing them on TV.
You can't get them on British DVD, but you can get them on import.
If you play Le Francier, you can understand them.
Yes.
But they've got a kind of a weird
Man, you can't tell how old he is.
Looks a bit like Jimmy Somerville prancing around in little trousers with a dog.
And it's just a bit weird, you know?
Tintin makes sense in the context of a comic book.
But were you to meet him in the real world, you'd think, you're a lesbian.
Well, it's like Homer Simpson as well.
You don't want to see a live-action Simpsons, particularly.
I mean... Well, there was that, like...
Wasn't there that trail, that sky trail that had the Simpsons in live action?
There was, yeah.
I think it was last Christmas, in fact, this time last year.
It was all the rage on the internet.
That's right.
But I know what you mean.
It is slightly grotesque.
The one place where that really worked was in South Park where they didn't have live action, but they had sort of photorealistic pencil drawings of the South Park kids in one of the episodes when Cartman or someone was going door to door trying to track them down, or someone was going door to door trying to track them down.
That was brilliant.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That really, really worked.
But yeah, and Asterix and Oblix as well, the live-action version, who is it?
Maybe that works a little bit better, actually.
You would think so, because he's sort of cartoonish.
Yeah, but I remember as a kid, whenever I saw a live-action version of those cartoons, it would weird me out.
It would be very odd, like Freakish, like the Robert Altman Popeye.
Exactly.
It just shouldn't really... It just doesn't make sense on quite a fundamental level.
Yeah, you can't make the transition.
Well, it's like... But because you have to fill in all the gaps, don't you?
If they're really real, then you mean every single detail actually exists in a world.
It's creepy.
I know, especially with someone like Popeye.
You want to see his arms popping up.
Of course, with Popples, they did give Robin Williams quite impressive muscles.
And actually, it's quite a cool movie to watch now.
It's quite odd and weird.
Yeah, it's a real extravaganza, isn't it?
A flottiness.
But I'm hoping, I'm slightly hoping Tintin's gonna be quite short.
Because the thing with a lot of children's things, especially Pantos I've noticed, I went to the Panto last year, in Norwich, and um, oh my gosh, it went on for about ten years.
Did the kids get bored?
They got pretty bored but they had all sorts of tactics to keep their kids alive and mainly selling them things.
People coming round in the numerous intervals with sort of like ones.
They weren't.
It was mainly not to do with tic-tacs, no.
It was nothing to do with tic-tac-tacs.
It was, uh, they were selling them sort of glow sticks and light ones and things that span round.
And of course, span spun round.
Uh, all the children wanted them, you know, so you had to buy them otherwise you were gonna have a nightmare situation on your head.
But I was getting to the, you know, I was thinking, boy, this has been going a long time, Cinderella, and suddenly their carriage turned up and I was like, yeah, there we go.
That's the end.
It was the end of all.
And there was a whole other hour to go of more Cinderella.
She does go on that Cinderella.
Oh my lord.
On and on and on.
She reads Heat magazine and watches Big Brother and will not shut up about it.
So my fingers are crossed for, what do you reckon, less than an hour and a half?
Certainly less than an hour and a half.
Less than a day.
I'm hoping.
Oh, I'd imagine that's a sort of class production tint in, you reckon?
Yeah.
Oh, I look forward to hearing how good that is.
Mr. California Cops, Enchanted Electronics Shop.
Mr. California Cop.
That's a funny name.
That's almost as far fetched as Majorium.
Yeah, California Cop's a good name for a show anyway.
California Cop.
They're just filthy.
He's a filthy cop.
Yeah, they're a filthy version of chips.
Okay, more music.
Here is Jack Peñati for you with Have I Been a Fool?
There you go, Susie in the Banshees with Hong Kong Garden.
That sounds very good, doesn't it, these days?
I mean, you know, it hasn't dated badly in the past.
Are you referring to... Oh, I see what you mean, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And if you're a Susie Sue fan, then tune in on Christmas Day when she will be taking over the Six Music Airways from 9pm with her own peculiar brand of sort of erasible punk fun.
Did you- you're not someone who reads the music papers, are you, Joe?
So you wouldn't have read the- No, what are the music- you mean the NME?
Well, and I- Is there more than one?
Not just music papers, but music publications.
Oh, right.
She did- She did a shoe and mojo, and that's what it was.
Yeah, exactly.
She did a shoe and mojo, where she got absolutely furious and walked out.
Really?
And had a real clash with the guy.
What- what went wrong?
What was the turning point?
Well, the thing is that Susie Sue was one of the earliest punks on the scene.
She's there on the Bill Grundy show when the Sex Pistols were on there.
Yeah, a proto-punk.
Swearing away.
And in those days, as a young, naive girl who didn't know any better and was just trying to be in your face, she was one of these people who used to wear a swastika on her arm, you know?
The punks adopted the swastika as just something to enrage the oldies, you know?
They weren't so much doing it.
Didn't think it through, just doing it as a kind of... Exactly, yeah.
Uh, not, they weren't being anti-Semitic so much as just wanting to put two fingers up to everyone and say, yeah, deal with this granddad.
But of course it's something that she gets reminded of very often, you know, people saying, what's the deal with the swastika?
And she's like, do I have to explain this again?
I'm not anti-Semitic.
Please don't rake up the whole swastika thing.
And so of course it was raked up once again by Mojo and she just, she flipped her wig out.
And exited.
I love a good walkout in an interview.
It's good, isn't it?
It's the hallmark of a good interview.
It's enjoyable.
Just to leave.
I think you can find that interview on the internet.
It's a good read.
We should do a series of interviews where the entire aim is to make the person walk out.
Yeah, what's the...
What's your favorite walkout from an interview ever?
I'm a big fan of, uh, is it Keith Allen on that late-night TV?
I mean, the TV ones are best because they've always got the microphone attached.
That's right.
And you can't just walk out.
You've got a piece of wire attached to you and you've got a... Get the microphone off and...
You know, you've got to do a bit of bumbling and fluffing before you can actually leave, perhaps the best bit.
Trying to think of what to say when you've decided to leave, but still have to loiter for a bit.
Because they always tuck the mic right up on the shirt and everything.
You've got to like deep- You can't make the swift dramatic exit.
There's fiddling to have to go.
My favourite one is the Bee Gees on Clive Anderson.
That is a good one.
Do they have microphone problems?
Uh, no, I don't think they do.
Maybe they just walk out, that's the, walk out with the mics, maybe they got radio mics.
I'm trying to think, no, maybe one of them, because one of them is left behind, the other two march on, and one of them is sat there, sort of fiddling with his mic, and there's an awkward silence, and Clive Anderson looks very, sort of, genuinely flummoxed.
He never really recovered from that, he was, he used to be brilliant on TV, and he's still on the radio, and he never really recovered.
He's having a comeback now, he's on QI regularly, and he's always good.
Fair enough, yeah, he's brilliant.
He's good, man.
Right now, we're going to recap on some text stuff from Text the Nation.
Lies that people have told.
You better have some more music.
And the unpleasant consequences, yes.
But here's a track that I picked for you listeners.
This is just a very short thing and it's from Gil Scott Heron.
It's almost just like a poem that he's doing.
And as far as I can tell, it's a piece, it's a sort of anti-extremism piece.
And this, in this case, extremism within the black community.
We'll see about that.
It's called Brother.
Well, it's a complicated business being friends with Gil Scott Herron.
Yeah, it's tough.
There's a lot of things that you can go wrong on.
Darling, Gil Scott Herron's coming round for dinner on Saturday.
Oh, God.
I mean, he's very difficult.
He's very prickly.
He keeps going on about what one has to do to be black in a very particular way.
And I never feel I satisfy his criteria.
I don't understand his criteria.
Plus, I'm trying to study for my BA.
My black ass.
And I don't know, he's getting in the way.
Yeah, it was Gil Scott Herron with Brother.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC6 Music.
Have you got any, uh, text the nation stuff?
Yeah, we should have a jingle though, shouldn't we, too, Ben?
Yeah, let's get back in there.
Come on.
Do a jingle.
Do a text the nation jingle.
Quickly, quickly, quickly, quickly, quickly.
This is your test, man.
Testing Ben Scott to the limits.
It's punctuation.
When are we gonna make the... Come on.
Oh, here we go.
Text the nation!
Text!
Text the nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation!
But I'm using email, is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
There we go, it's Text the Nation, the nation's favourite feature as voted for by readers of the Radio Times Magazine, Chat Magazine, Heap Magazine and Now Magazine.
Not true.
This week's subject is lies.
Terrible, stupid, stupid lies, you've told.
Here are some.
Gem in Edinburgh says, I tell so many lies every day I find it difficult to remember what's true.
My favourite was... That's the problem I have.
My favourite was when I said I was a roadie for a band to seem cool.
Stupid people still believe it.
How could I be?
I'm tiny and a girl.
Haha, I love lying.
Some people approach lying as a sort of life policy because at a certain age you do kind of think Well, who's ever gonna follow it up, right?
You know, what will the consequences be and there's a certain type of lie when there are no consequences The only consequence would be someone thinking That person's a tiny bit sad
And you can put up with that.
It's all right for people you're not really interested in to think you're sad.
You know what?
I've got out of the habit of lying.
Well, as you get older, you realize that actually there's a kind of... I've got karma thing.
Yeah, and... Because I might fuck you on your BA.
Yeah, I find it almost impossible to lie now, and it's almost become a problem.
Well, that's a lie, isn't it?
No, it is.
It's true.
Yeah, because I've got in trouble so many times with people asking me questions outright, and I just... You've lied about... Well, you've lied about when you're going away.
What do you mean?
Over for Christmas, haven't you?
It's not true, no, I'm aware that out of London I'm not able to do the show, yes.
Oh, okay.
You see, I still think you're lying.
It's going to take me a while to get over your history of life.
Here's another one from, now this is weird because it's all over the shop.
Oh, gosh.
I created an elaborate lie to tell my sister when she was about 7 and I was 11.
I told her that the family Cat and I could get inside the TV by jumping head first at the screen and hitting the remote.
That's very dangerous.
So Cat and I would have all sorts of adventures in TV land before she got up in the morning.
It was only recently I got her to admit.
What?
She tried to do it when I wasn't there, bumping her poor little head against the TV screen.
We're now 21 and 26 from Matt in Lancaster.
Wow.
That's quite an irresponsible lie.
It's a little bit irresponsible.
But it's a good one.
Wouldn't that be brilliant?
The thing that really makes that lie is that you do it with the cat.
I know.
So you've got an animal sidekick and that makes things more magical.
Well it's a nice idea for a TV show, a bit like Jamie and the Magic Torch.
It's a bit like Charlie Brooker's The Magic Noose idea though, isn't it?
Do you remember that?
No, what's that?
In what was his website called?
TV... Go Home.
Go Home, yeah.
He was just doing scarless, appalling, wrong children's TV shows and he had one called The Magic Noose.
Where kids, this is terrible for Saturday morning, isn't it?
We can't go into it.
But I'm thinking of that night type of a website.
You call it the Cat and Eye.
And it just, you know, they go in telly and they have adventures in their telly.
Yeah, that's what he was on about.
That's what I'm saying.
You've given it a title.
The Cat and Eye.
a good one hi lads i once told the girl that i owned the town in which we lived we stayed together for three years clackus from cramlington he said when he's written like we stayed together for three years he's written the lumber four and then three years so it could be we stayed together 43 years hard to tell they're from clackus on a lie
Here's an anonymous one.
Understandably anonymous.
I stole my two fingered woodwork teacher's car badge.
Let's deal with that first of all.
His woodwork teacher's got two fingers.
Does that make you a good woodwork teacher or a bad woodwork teacher?
It makes you a woodwork teacher with stories to tell.
It's like E.T.
He's like one of the mutants from Total Recall.
I'm not saying that people live sort of their fingers and mutants.
I got caught.
You know what I'm saying?
A voluntary mutant.
It was probably an accident.
He's a woodwork teacher.
He slipped.
Of course, that's what I'm saying.
You said voluntary mutant and now you've made it all sound creepy.
I was trying to get out of it.
Oh, it's my fault.
Creepy hole.
I stole my two-fingered woodwork teacher's car badge.
I got caught and told the head teacher that the school bully said I had to do it or he would beat up all of my friends.
I played the Samaritan Dilemma card, and it worked.
The bully had to buy a new voxel cavalier batch for 14 quid.
But he made my life a living hell for the rest of the year.
I think it confirmed the bully's fears that the world was against him.
Last time I heard of him, he was in jail.
Oh, the joys of growing up in Coventry.
There you go.
Keep them coming in.
What?
Nothing.
I was going to say I went to university in Coventry and then I just realised that it was the most boring tactic I could come out with.
Keep those stupid lies coming in.
Text 64046 or email adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk to our very much thanks by.
Here's the Foo Fighters.
BBC.
On digital.
On live.
BBC Six Music.
It's good, isn't it?
That's the new Foo Fighters jingle.
They're really pleased with it.
No, it wasn't the Foo Fighters, that was the, we call it the top of our, do we call that the sweep?
The top of our sweeper.
Did you like the top of our sweeper?
Right now, here's some music.
This is Faith No More.
Good lord.
It's a dirty song, but someone's got to sing it.
That was Faith No More singing that dirty song.
That was... I went and bought that single.
I was excited when that came out.
I thought, this is the future of rock and roll!
You were wrong.
And it's a mixture of insane banging techno beats and heavy metal guitar riffs, and this is where music is going now in the future.
And it had all the references to all the exciting things happening.
All the references.
Um, there was references to Transformers there, which of course- Were there?
Oh, very prescient.
Have now come back in style again.
Although the Garbage Pail Kids, which were also referred to in there- Oh, they're due for a comeback, surely.
You reckon?
Yeah, Cabbage Patch Dolls and the Garbage Pail Kids.
They'll get round to them sooner rather than later.
Yeah, Cabbage Patch Dolls.
Oh my gosh.
Anyway, that was Faith No More.
Um- Now, books.
Yes.
Do you like books, Adam?
Book news, love books.
Do you really?
What was the last book you read?
uh well do you know what i told you the other day oh yeah you read mrs dalloway i'm reading mrs dalloway and do you know what i was talking we were talking about paul auster the other day and i i was embarrassed to admit that i'd never even heard of him did you get the new york trilogy uh no i got i can't remember which one i got i got another one that had lots of stars all over it from various newspapers
Well, if it's no good, take it back and buy the New York trilogy, because that's the key text.
It's one about a husband he's grieving for his family who's been killed in an air crash or something grim like that.
Sounds like a bummer.
He rehabilitates himself.
It does sound like a bit of a bummer.
What have you got there?
I've got a very, very, very good book that I wanted to recommend to listeners who like spooky things.
I love A Good Ghost Story and The Supernatural.
I don't believe in any of it, but I can't stop reading about it.
I love it.
I'm like Scoldy Moldy from The X-Files.
Scoldy Moldy.
I want to believe.
Yeah.
Because when I was little, I was brought up, you know, my parents and grandparents used to tell nothing but ghost stories and UFO stories and stuff.
I believed it all.
Now I don't.
But I just love reading about it.
And I picked up this book called Will Store versus the Supernatural.
It's not a new book.
This isn't some kind of awful PR plugging session type thing.
I think it's a couple of years old.
But it's by this guy, Will Store.
If you lacked imagination, you'd say he was a Louis Theroux, John Ronson type investigative humorist.
It's got a quote by John Ronson on the cover.
There's a picture, is that Will Store on the front?
He wasn't happy with the cover, yeah.
He looks like a kind of cadaverous... Hey!
Yeah, no, he looks like a very handsome Louis Theroux.
And anyway, he's done a thing that I always thought would be a good idea.
He's just basically set out to try and find he's dedicated like a couple of years of his life to try and find any evidence whatsoever of ghosts, the supernatural or any kind of afterlife, the tiniest
Timiest inkling of any kind of reality and is that him setting out as a skeptic at the beginning?
Yeah, he's a skeptic, but he's also open-minded He's from quite a his parents are quite spiritual and it pivots around when he was at a dinner party with his mum His mum says something along the lines of you know, we're a very spiritual family and he goes I'm not and
And she goes, oh, you will be.
And that's always sort of prickled him, right?
So he decides to go and he does everything from go on a night with Most Haunted, go behind the scenes.
And that's quite an interesting chapter.
He does naughty sales.
Who is the host of Most Haunted again?
Uh, in that fielding, and Derek Okora.
Derek Okora.
They still are, I think, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, and you know, I'd like to reiterate, you know, obviously that program's a stupid charade, but also quite fun.
Yeah.
It's more indicative of how powerful night vision is, and handheld cameras are, as a kind of, you know, presentational device than it is of any kind of, and also how powerful smoking lots of silk cuts and having a weird hair is.
Mostly ghostly, my friend.
Yeah, mostly ghostly.
that's right that's kelly calls it that yeah yeah um and yeah it's a brilliant brilliant book and it genuinely kind of scared me it talks a lot about the Enfield poltergeist and he goes and stays in an amazingly haunted pub and when i read it i thought to myself well i'm a complete skeptic but would i do would i be scared if i went he goes to stay in in some pub
that is a kind of old smuggling pub and it has a bedroom called Annie's room and the owners seem very skeptical and they go, oh, you can sleep in there if you want, but you won't last very long.
No, as soon as the door closes, you'll come out.
Yes, there's a dark figure that emerges from the wall.
You'll hear ghostly cackling.
Things will touch you and no, you'll soap.
So we've done the other room.
We've done the bed in the other room ready for you.
You know, if you're in that situation for some kind of documentary, do you think you'd get freaked out?
No.
You don't.
You think you're confident that you would just be completely cool?
I think I would.
I feel as if I was asleep.
Well, he kind of thinks that.
Yeah.
And then... And then someone comes in and... Well, he hears breathing.
He hears weird breathing coming from the chair next to the bed.
Right.
When he turns the lights out.
Tell me from the chair.
Yeah, it's a living chair.
Yeah.
Ooh, I'm a dead chair.
I'm Charlie the Chair, and I'm dead.
I'm a dead chef.
Go on.
What?
What's gonna happen to the man?
He runs out of the room because he's frightened, does he?
But it's such a good book, it was so gripping, and not only that, he talks to, um, like, uh, uh, exorcists, and he talks to, um, philosophers, and he talks to men what understand all the bits of the brain.
So, and so he goes on a journey of sorts, it's not at all.
Yeah, he talks to physicists about the areas of the brain that might conjure up these kind of, so he investigates it as if it's an illusory kind of, you know, psychosomatic phenomenon rather than a real phenomenon.
I would love to have a little bit of ghost action, I really would.
So would I. I was staying with some friends a couple of weekends ago and in the morning they came down and they said, we had a very bad night, you know, we didn't sleep at all well.
There was, I woke up and there was
Again like this guy breathing sounds they heard really right above them they reckoned and What else did they see you assume that I would assume that was just my own breathing Yeah, and my brain half asleep Well exactly half asleep And I was thinking but still if that happened in the context of loads of ghost stories and the expectation of a ghost It would still give me that the wheelies well it freaked them out, but I just thought this is so easily explain Willy explain of you love your wheelies Thanks
You know, it might be cars whooshing past the window and echoeing weirdly.
There's so many things that you could... It's like Occam's Razor, isn't it?
It's the simplest explanation.
It's usually the right one.
Why would you go for the ghost explanation?
Because it's fun!
Because it is fun, isn't it?
And what's the name of the book again?
It's called Will Store vs. the Supernatural.
And it's published by a book company...
called E-Bree.
Yeah, and it's really, really good.
If you like that kind of thing, it's the best thing I've read in that kind of area for a long time.
I'm a subscriber to the Fortean Times.
You love a little bit of spookiness.
I love a bit of spookiness.
Brilliant.
Now, here's the stars with the night starts here.
That was Stars with the Night Stars here.
It's the second track from their fourth album.
Do you know anything about that, Madam?
Nothing.
Nothing, no.
Sounds a bit inconsequential to me, but I may be wrong.
That's merely my opinion.
Yeah, and for the sake of balance, I would like to say that that's my single of the year.
Well, balanced.
A little too balanced, so you put a bit too much weight on that scale.
Popped it back the other way.
Do you want to say anything, or should we just do another record?
What's that?
Read out that thing about CSS?
Someone was at a CSS gig last night.
This is an email from Will Weaver.
They're from Brazil, right?
CSS?
Are they?
No, I don't know.
I saw CSS playing Brighton last night.
There was a nice pre-Christmas festival atmosphere, but then the gig came to a grinding halt after somebody threw a shoe at Lovefox, the lead singer.
It hit a square in the face.
This sucked.
They carried on until the end of the song without the singer, then that was it.
The keyboard player said, why would you throw a shoe at Lovefox?
You ruined the whole flipping show for everybody.
Someone's gonna have to either lie...
about throwing the shoe uh... i don't know that the email becomes confusing but that's basically the uh... the long and short of it the leading i got a shoe thrown at their face that's terrible and and and it depends on the kind of shoe as well i mean there's some shoes that you would rather have yeah if it was a nike airmax it'd be quite nice that's quite nice because it would softly bounce off it'd be wicked and also you'd have like one quite wicked shoe yeah you'd probably sell it 30 quid yeah you could just hop around and people would think you were really cool exactly if it was a football boot that would be dreadful that would be awful and if it was a big kind of uh...
Generally, it's not a good thing to do, throw shoes at faces.
Why would you do that at a gig?
It's insane behaviour.
What peculiar thing to do.
I tell you what though, there is a weird thing, and I don't know whether you get this in other countries, but whenever you go to a gig, there's always a very small percentage of the crowd who seem to be there not for the band, but just for the kind of... Just for a ruck.
Just for a ruck, yeah.
They've kind of bought a ticket as if it's a pub.
Do you know what I mean?
And they talk during the songs and they just generally don't pay attention to the band and they're just looking for women or trouble or...
They just want to get into a big hall full of people and jump about.
It's not so much the band.
They should root those people out.
There should be a little quiz before you buy a ticket for a concert where you have to answer a few basic questions about the band.
Oh man, there's a horrific scene in The Wire, the police series, where it's amazing where these two gangsters are going around.
They're trying to figure out which other gangsters happen to be from New York, like Central New York.
and they figure the best way to find out is to just ask them a question about the New York house music scene.
So they ask this one guy, like, who recorded Wiggly Jiggly or whatever, and this guy goes, I don't know, man, how am I supposed to know who recorded Wiggly Jiggly?
Bang.
Straight, gets it right.
Really?
Immediately.
It's horrific, but sort of interesting.
Frightful business.
Well, we're not suggesting that that happens at gigs.
No.
You wouldn't execute the people who didn't know the answers to the questions.
Absolutely not.
Or would you, Adam?
I think you might.
You're disgusting.
Maybe I might.
It'll be my new policy in the new year.
Here's a free play.
This is Roots Maneuver.
He's a kind of a Kennington guy around where Adam and I live in London.
This is a single from a few years ago with, I think, one of the best videos.
One of my favourite videos ever.
If you check out this video on YouTube if you haven't seen it, but the song in itself is amazing.
And he's doing the six mix tonight from nine, which I'll be listening to.
He's a genius.
This is Roots Maneuver with Witness the Fitness.
Alan Williams, it was called Will's store versus the supernatural you can go back to sleep now that was roots maneuver with witness the fitness He must have been so happy when he found those sounds those little squelchy sound.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's amazing That's that's sonically he skills Mcbrill's.
That's what they call him in Scotland skinny Mcbrilly skilly No, Mcbrill's skill Mcbrill's Skilling Mcbrill is what he's called in
Somewhere else.
Nice.
Okay, let's deal with the rest of the Texanation lies.
You are a very duplicitous and lie-licious bunch.
The listeners.
Licentious.
No, it's not licentious, is it?
No, licentious is sort of dirty.
Mendacious is the word.
Yeah, there you go.
Uh, this is from Helen Williams.
Morning, guys.
I'm juggling drying my hair with listening to the show.
I listen to the talky bits and dry during the music.
Sexy.
Anyway, I've got a bit of a ridiculous lie for you.
When I was about 13, I went on a beach holiday.
So I just imagined her, uh, and that she might be excited that we're reading it out.
I've never crossed my mind before.
She's actually listening.
She might be excited.
Yeah.
Hello, Helen.
You look lovely.
She's still in the shower.
You've missed a little bit at the back of the...
Yeah, just dry that.
There we go.
Do you want me to dry it?
That's okay.
Actually, if you blew into a radio microphone, would a tiny gust of air come out of the speaker of the radio?
It would, wouldn't it?
Because it's to do with vibrations, isn't it?
Well, if you went... Howard Stern did that thing where he used to go... Oh, and ladies would... Yeah.
Anyway, I've got a bit of a ridiculous lie for you, says Helen.
When I was about 13, I went on a beach holiday and met a guy who I had a little innocent holiday romance with.
When I told one of my friends about him, and she wanted some gory details, I decided to spice it up by telling her I'd had sex with him in a beach hut.
I never thought for a second she'd believe me.
I'm actually a little offended that she did, to be honest.
Anyway, it spiralled out of control, and she told all my friends, and a rumour went round every school that I was pregnant.
Eventually, I had to tell the embarrassing truth.
Everyone thought I was either pathetic, or not whole.
Now, that's a whole other kettle of fish, isn't it, lying about sexual exploits.
I mean, everybody does it.
I remember when I was like 19 or 20 and I actually started doing things for real, late starter, I couldn't remember myself what was real or what wasn't.
I'd imagined sort of sexual dalliances in such detail that they'd imprinted themselves on my brain with the same power as real ones, had or hadn't.
I still don't really know what was going on.
What was the dream and what was reality?
Thank you, Helen.
That's terrific.
Trif.
Hi, Adam and Jo.
This is from Becky.
I once told my little sister that our mum had had had a third great... Come on, start again, Cornish.
I once told my little sister that our mum had had a third daughter, which she gave away before we were born, and I had found a note from her behind the cupboard.
The note was written by me and stained with tea to look old.
So she actually made this note.
She believed me for five minutes before asking my mum who told her it wasn't true.
I caught the idea about making the old looking letter from Art Attack with Neil Buchanan.
Ooooh!
And I wonder if Neil Buchanan said, and you can use this technique to lie to your baby sister about the possibility of there being a sibling that was kidnapped by her mother and put in an attic somewhere.
Yes.
Doubt it.
Yeah.
Neil Buchanan wouldn't do so.
And here's a sort of country one.
This is from Peter Green.
Is that the Peter Green?
The Green Monster.
Thanks very much for all your extremely lengthy communications.
Peter's bombarding us with the emails.
Here's another one.
He said another one about fish that was quite good I was going to read out, but I can't read out too.
I was going to say, Pete, don't get upset if we don't read out your stuff.
It's just because it's fairly lengthy and, you know, we've got to spread the love.
Takes us a while.
I live in a quite rural area, consisting of country lanes, farmers, fields, woods and wildlife.
As such, a herd of deer crossing the road is a familiar hazard for the local car driver.
When my 18-year-old brother started driving, I felt it was my responsibility to tell him what to do if you run over a deer.
I explained that it's important that you don't try to move the deer by pulling the legs or antlers.
You must only move it by putting your fingers in its ears and gently pulling.
The story was ludicrous.
Didn't imagine that you'd believe it.
However, when his girlfriend telephoned him one day to say she'd found a dead deer lying in the road, my brother imparted his knowledge to her.
Spraying into action.
After everyone our family had ever known had finished laughing about how a dead deer had been removed from the road by its ear holes by a young girl who knew no better to do than to do what she was told, it emerged that the smell of dead deer earwax was still pungent on the poor girl's fingers two weeks later.
Dead deer wax.
There you go.
Lots of lies.
That's grotesque.
Shocking business.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
But thank you very much indeed for... Can I just do one more?
Anymailing.
Yeah, let's do this and wrap it up.
Is that all right, Ben?
You're looking upset.
Quick one.
It's very quick.
Chris Lote says, Dear Adam and Jo, morning the worst lie I ever told was when I was at primary school for some reason.
When I think about it now, I still don't know why I did it.
I told some people in my class that my dad was dead.
My mum then got other mums coming up to her after school offering their condolences, and I got a big telling off.
That's of course done by Antoine Duenell in Francois Truffaut's The 400 Blows, famously, and you know what, I did it.
I didn't say my parents were dead, but to get out of a history exam, I told Shirley Foster at school that a relative had died.
A lot of people do that.
Yeah, it's a good one, because there's no arguing with that.
Absolutely not, but it can bite you in the bottom if they turn up.
Can it?
Yeah, it's not very good.
His T-Rex with hot love.
There's T-Rex there.
That was recorded for the Radio 1 Club on the 9th of December 1970.
Wow, a long time ago.
Salomon Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
It's just after 11 o'clock.
11.30, sorry, and it's time now for the news.
James Addiction.
Did you pick that one, Ben?
No.
Who picked that one?
You love James Addiction, don't you?
Some kind of like early 90s goth has programmed the show this morning.
You know, we're soft early 80s pop boys, we just want to hear early 80s.
We like a bit of flavour!
We want some softness, some patheticness, and that kind of music just frightens me and Joe.
For the sake of balance, I loved it!
Oh, it was brilliant.
Nicely balanced.
This is Adam and Joel on BBC Six Music.
Now, when I'm working in my office recently, listeners and Adam, I've noticed ladybirds crawling with increasing frequency across the wall.
Even in the winter?
Yeah, especially in the winter now that it's turned cold.
Little ladybirds.
At first I thought they were cute, and then somebody told me that Britain is being invaded by a species of ladybird called the Harlequin Ladybird.
They were introduced in America in, I don't know, like 10, 15 years ago as a kind of way to control aphids, but they're too strong.
They've wiped out all other breeds of ladybirds, and they're becoming a plague.
They were introduced in Europe in something like 2004.
They've started to spread.
You go on the internet, you can see maps of Britain where people have reported sightings of them.
They've spread like a plague from the bottom right-hand corner of Britain, all across, climbing up Britain if you live in Scotland or, you know, North Wales, they're approaching.
Anyway, so I'd only got like three or four in my office, so I was thinking, oh, better keep an eye out for these guys.
And ladybirds, they're usually beautiful things.
So one doesn't swat them or kill them or do anything bad, so I was very carefully putting them under glasses, sliding a postcard under and popping it out the window.
Be free!
I went round to my mum's house, her little office, where she coaches children, and she said, come out of my office, Joe, come out of my office!
And she showed me like eight or nine little ladybirds,
all having a little sort of party on the edge of the window frame.
Yeah.
A couple crawling across her desk, three or four on the lampshade.
She's not doing anything about it.
Well, no, she said to me, look.
These lovely lady birds.
There's so many of them, but some of my pupils don't like them.
They're a bit disturbed by them.
I went, mummy?
Because I call her mummy.
I've got no shame in telling you that.
I'm not going to pretend that I call her ma or mum.
Well, it's often no.
I do call her mumbles sometimes.
Yeah.
And I said, mummy, these aren't nice ladybirds.
I've read about them on the internet.
They're harlequin ladybirds.
They're a plague.
They're a pest.
They're armed.
And she didn't look as if she believed me.
She went, mm-hmm.
You'd look at them there.
Did you eat that in the 40th time, sir?
It's probably what she thought.
They're nice.
Look, these ones are having a party.
They're singing.
If you listen very closely, you can hear them singing.
So I was frustrated.
You know that sort of frustration?
It's a kind of deep primordial frustration you get when your parents don't believe you about something.
Yeah.
It's like, you never believe me, you never respect me, you think I'm still six, I'm eighty-four!
Believe me, woman!
But I was happy in one respect, but also disturbed in the other respect, to look closer behind the curtains of her office and find, and I do not exaggerate, a hundred and fifty to two hundred
uh of these ladybirds hiding in massive gangs between the pleats of and it was really genuinely revolting when you pulled the uh and you know my family are extremely hygienic this kind of thing never happens we're very clean don't imagine we're some kind of Kim and Aggie type you know nasty household no it's a beautifully polished and respectful house
I think yeah, my mom especially and my dad are very clean people very much Take hygiene very it's not like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre around there call abs and no people in cupboards No, it's like the Texas don't care.
It's shop.
It's exactly it's like the Texas delightful tea party.
Yeah
Anyway, there were hundreds of them behind in the pleats of the curtains and it was it was so troubling first of all The name is troubling harlequins at unsettling things anyway Yeah, you know and they're called harlequins because they've got multiple spots you recognize them because they're orangy and they've got far too many spots and Like you know insects are troubling anyway in a science of the lambs kind of away moths the designs on them are weird They're like little dice or dominoes, you know, they seem to have some kind of cryptic meaning to them.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, I do
They're kind of troubling on a weird, symbolic level.
You could worship them as gods, if you want.
Yeah, or you could read meanings into them, you could join the dots up and make pictures and run your life by... You know, I'm overdoing it, but you get what I'm saying.
There were clusters of these horrible things, and every time we pulled another pleater part in the curtain, there were hundreds more, so we got the hoover.
Dead right.
We hoover'd them up.
Ghostbusters.
Yeah, Ghostbusters style, exactly.
And we couldn't believe it.
We were going,
Oh, I was going, mummy, look at it.
Oh, mummy, look at this.
Oh, my God.
She was going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, thank God you came.
It was hideous.
And then when I got back to my office, I was freaked out.
You know, you feel all creepy crawly and it's like, oh, I did one of them getting my pants and my shoes.
Plus you just conducted a kind of a massive great killing, a cull.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Ah, but it didn't feel bad because they're evil, they're nasty.
The fact that they feel like sort of intruders, they're killing all the real ladybirds, these Harlequin ladybirds.
And they leave a horrible stinky stain.
They're a nasty business.
I got back to my office and I was terrified.
I thought, if there's one or two crawling on my wall,
And I don't really have a curtain in my office.
I've just got a lovely piece of material pinned up.
Yeah.
I haven't got round to put in curtains up there after about seven years.
And I haven't unpinned it for years.
And I thought, oh my God, it could be like, you know, Indiana Jones is back at the beginning of Raises of the Lost Ark.
Could be completely crawling with these things.
And it wasn't too bad.
There were about 30 in clusters behind my curtain.
I thought you were going to say there was just one giant one standing over it.
Like mimic.
Yeah, it was troubling but satisfying.
I'm so glad they're gone.
So listeners Check it out because it's happening in the winter because there's a cold snap So these things are infesting Britain and they're coming in people's windows You know, if you see an evil ladybird, they can be black with two red spots as well Look closer at ladybirds and if they're evil ones kill them.
Do you know who I blame?
Al Gore.
Yeah, thanks Al Gore.
Thanks very much Al Gore.
Here's Ida Maria
Is that it?
Oh, you never know with Ida.
That's Ida Maria with Drive Away My Heart.
Is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music?
Play that jingle, Ben!
So check it out.
Radios across the nation are detuned.
They're being switched off.
Well, you know, I don't know.
Some people like this.
We've had one or two texts saying they like the songs.
One or other of the songs.
We should say, listeners, it's time for song wars.
The part of the show where me and Adam compose songs on a theme and then we kind of battle them.
If you think you could do a better job on the theme, then do email us.
Tell us who you are and write a song and send it in.
And if it's if it's as good,
As one of ours, which, let's face it, can't be that difficult, we may well play it.
So if you think, you know, this is rubbish, I could do better than that, then do it!
Yeah.
Do better than that, and send it in, and we'll... It stands a very good chance of being played.
So here we go, here are the two songs this week.
The theme is Christmas.
Let's go first with Adam's.
I'm not going to play the whole thing, but we'll... We'll play a reminder.
Play about half of it, I reckon.
Maybe... I quite like the middle eight.
So we'll get to the middle eight.
Middle eight is it now?
Call it a day.
Well it's Christmas in the country and I'm turning off the gas I'm putting stickers on my face and painting on my legs We're gonna have a party and I am so excited There's gonna be some parsley and everyone's invited Those people in the city have forgotten what Christmas means But out here in the countryside we know what Christmas means
Christmas, country, party time!
Christmas, party time!
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, party time!
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, time!
Germany, party time!
Christmas, Christmas, country, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, bills!
Party, party, Christmas, time!
Christmas, country, time!
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, time!
Germany, year, Christmas, time!
Is that enough?
This is the middle eight?
Oh, sorry mate, shhh!
This just doesn't have any singing on it, though.
It's a party.
Yeah?
Enough?
No, it's good, though.
Let's have some more.
Enough?
That's enough, that's enough.
Who was the band who did Cotton Eye Joe?
Keep it bubbling under there, Ben.
I don't know.
They were called Cotton Eye Joe.
Rednecks.
With an X. Yeah.
I was sort of thinking about rednecks when I'd done that.
Wow, you aim high.
Yeah.
Only the best.
Let's hear Joe Cornish's effort.
Uh, this is my one.
This is called All Night Garage.
Oh no!
It's nine o'clock on Christmas Eve and I ain't got no presents yet.
What am I gonna do?
I'll have to go down to All Night Garage.
All Night Garage, All Night Garage, Christmas shopping at the All Night Garage, All Night Garage, Christmas shopping at the All Night Garage, All Night Garage, Christmas shopping at the All Night Garage, All Night Garage, Christmas shopping at the All Night Garage,
Hello there, mate.
How are you doing?
I've got to buy some stuff and my Christmas will be ruined.
Is that a DVD or this a funeral?
Yeah, we can't let mine play for longer than yours that'll be unfair even though it's better
Certainly some good rhyming action there.
Lyrically, maybe you have to get... It's a bit thinly produced, my one.
Lyrically, you have the edge.
Musically, I'm not so sure.
Couple, maybe a bit repetitious on the chorus there.
People like repetition.
Teletubbies.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas time.
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas,
Ah, let's repeat six times.
This is brilliant.
Ah.
Okay, so that's Song of Wolves for this week.
Get voting.
And of course, if you're listening again, don't text, just email AdamAndJoe.6musicatvbc.co.uk.
Your votes will be very important this week.
Maybe a few weeks before we actually announce the winners, because next Saturday our show will be pre-recorded.
In fact, we've already pre-recorded.
It's a special Christmas show, though.
It's a good show.
We bought each other presents.
It's a gift-giving special.
We bought each other a series of presents.
We unwrap them on air, and all kinds of shenanigans ensue.
That was fun, man.
I had a good time doing that.
It was fun.
We got a little bit drunk.
We got a tiny bit tooty and... We decided it was okay to get drunk in the morning on Christmas Saturday, next Saturday.
Next Saturday, Gordon Brown has announced that everybody must be slightly tipsy before 9am.
Unless they have a pre-existing problem with alcohol.
In which case they must be a stone called Sobber.
Exactly.
Now here's a track that I've picked for you listeners.
This is a man who I am very fond of musically, Robin Hitchcock, and he, this year, re-released a lot of his stuff, including this album.
His first solo album, I believe, after he left the Soft Boys.
And the album is called Black Snake Diamond Roll.
I really recommend it if you've never heard any of Robin's stuff.
It's a good entry point.
And this is a lovely song called The Man Who Invented Himself.
That's Robin Hitchcock with The Man Who Invented Himself.
decent music that's a bit now I'm just gonna go and kill just despite there are two sides to every story and yeah I hear you Colin yeah you want to be careful before you kill any kind of living thing I feel you Colin yeah what what if the living thing really really stinks
Like George Bush.
Hey.
What?
Well, no, you still wouldn't do that.
No, you can't sink to his level.
No, absolutely.
You can't sink to his level.
You just give him a different job.
Maybe road sweeping.
Give him the silent treatment.
Cleaning the lavies.
Thanks for listening, everybody.
We'll be with you kind of in a peculiar kind of way next week, but we will be here and it's a good show, so do listen.
Yeah, exactly.
We're not going anywhere.
We'll be with you right the way through the Christmas and New Year period here on BBC 6 Music.
Thanks a lot for texting and emailing and all that stuff.
We love you, bye!
Bye!