That is the new sound of The Underground, a band called The Arctic Monkeys that I think you're going to be hearing a lot more from in the weeks to come.
They're the biggest band of the 80s.
This is Adam and Joe here with the latest sounds and the latest music news sounds on 6 Music, home of news, music and sound.
Happy Saturday, everybody.
Thanks for tuning in.
It's the first exciting hour of our three-hour Saturday morning extravaganza.
And have we got news for you was on last week.
Yeah, it was a confusing sentence.
It got derailed in the middle because we got features.
Yeah, what?
You!
This is good, man.
This is a good start.
Thanks.
This is slick.
We're gonna be, uh, revealing the winner of Song Wars, last week's Song Wars.
Was it last week?
Two weeks back.
Christmas has confused everything.
Two weeks back.
This is, uh, our Christmas Song Wars from two weeks back that we played you.
Last week, of course, was our Christmas show where Joe and myself gave each other presents.
Uh, what a time that was.
I don't think any of us will ever forget that.
But, uh, now we're in that strange hinterland between Christmas and New Year.
More or less, right slap back in, uh, bang, back, back.
My brain is no longer working.
It's more or less shut down for the Christmas holiday.
Zzz.
Well, there's plenty of good stuff coming, listeners.
Believe us.
But for now, let's have some, uh, a bowl of lovely warm pumpkin soup.
Mmm, delicious.
Mmm, with Kate Nash floating around in it like a sort of crouton.
Kate Nash with pumpkin soup.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
We should tell you listeners that this show is not actually live, so please do not email us or text us as we're not currently here.
This show is pre-recorded because at the moment, we're in Lapland.
Are we?
Yeah.
What are we doing in Lapland?
We are talking to Santa.
We're counselling him.
He's been very depressed.
Well, he's had a tough time the past week or so.
Yeah.
And we're his kind of emotional support team.
What's the matter with him?
He's just very sad because... Why?
Well, he can't get to absolutely everybody that he wants to get to with the toys.
There's a lot of sadness in the world, a lot of areas that are war-torn, and he can't do anything about that.
He feels that, you know, just handing out toys, that's just like putting a band-aid on the problem.
It's not really a long-term solution.
So we're trying to chat to him about those issues and get some perspective.
He's upset that the world's gone PC crazy.
He thinks it's gone PC crazy.
You know, it's just PC gone mad as far as he's concerned a lot of the time, you know.
He should read the papers less that centre.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because he made some comments about some minorities as well, which have got him into hot water, so we're trying
Dig him out.
What are you talking about?
They made some comments about some of the elves, and now he's been branded a racist.
It sounded as if I was working my way up to a joke there, some kind of punchline, but nothing could have been further from the truth.
So listen, listeners, all over Christmas you've been voting in the big song, or Christmas song, Fight Off, Adam and I composed a Christmas song each.
They were two of the most powerful songs ever recorded in under three hours.
They were certainly two of the best Christmas songs ever recorded.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, yes.
They were.
Have you worked that out?
I've worked that out because they're pretty much at the bottom of the list with all other Christmas songs above.
Oh, so the Christmas, like the Christmas song top 10 is just a flat line.
It's a straight line.
Well, the list of the best Christmas songs ever written includes all the Christmas songs ever written.
Right.
And so we're technically in that.
Okay.
But very near the bottom.
Okay, I'm confused, but all will be made clear in terms of who won that fight in a second, and I open the results.
Just to remind you, listeners, they were very different in style.
I went for a kind of a Christmas.
In fact, my song was called Christmas Country Party Time.
We're not gonna play you clips because it'll just bring back painful memories.
And, Joes, what was yours like?
Uh, mine was, it's hard to describe the musical genre, but it was a kind of, uh, George Formby, uh, like, hard house combo, uh, about shopping at an all-night garage on Christmas Eve, getting your presents on Christmas Eve.
All-night garage, all-night garage, Christmas Eve.
See, you remember it.
I do remember.
Do I remember yours?
Go on then.
Ring, ring, ring.
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.
That was it.
Germany, Christmas, Germany, Christmas.
That's the one?
Catchy.
It's catchy.
Yeah.
Are we gonna do the results now?
Or should we spin it out?
If Simon Cowell was producing this show, he'd spin it out.
He'd spin it out for another two hours.
He'd play another record.
If Adam Depp were announcing it, there'd be a one hour gap between us saying, and the winner is...
and then the actual winner.
So in that spirit, I think we should play some more music.
What have we got coming up?
James Brown.
Listening wise.
I chose this one for you listeners.
I thought this was a nice little seasonal nugget, you know, because it's still sort of seasonal, even though it's after Christmas now and it's tainted with the stink of the new year.
But this is a lovely mellow song from the early days of James Brown.
I think maybe even with his famous flames, but it's called Maybe the Last Time.
Enjoy.
BBC.
music this New Year's Eve from seven it's Adam and Joe everybody knows that New Year's Eve is rubbish it's the last thing you want to do have yet another party after two weeks of stuffing yourself so why don't you instead make a date to spend three hours with me Adam and me Joe it'll still be rubbish but you know fun rubbish over the year imagine that no I don't think anyone no one's ever known that no we are quick
Queen's of Noise is the Queen's of Noise.
We're bringing you into 2008 for the ultimate New Year's Eve.
We're going to have rides of extra special guests.
We love everyone.
You'll be a loom to miss it.
That's very spiritual stuff there that's the soul savers with revival and before the trail you heard my selection for you Which was James Brown with maybe the last time this is Adam and Joe here on BBC six music and now It's time for some wars the war
So check it out.
Yes, it's time to reveal the winner of the pre-Christmas Song Wars.
Adam and I wrote Christmas songs and battled them against each other, kind of like battling Beatles.
Yeah?
No, more like Transformers.
More like Transformers, bashing each other up down a New York street with Shiba-lad-bleh holding some kind of a cube skidding around the place.
I still haven't seen that film, you know.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
What'll happen if I just never see it?
Nothing.
Oh.
A tiny bit of your brain will be active.
Good one.
That no one else in the world will have access to.
Here we go.
So here's the winner.
I'm opening the envelope with the stats in.
Represented in percentage to save the blushes, you know.
Yeah, because only four or five people would have voted.
I'm afraid it's a landslide for Cornish.
have a 29% Joe 71 what does that make the overall score I wonder we'll get someone in the I think I believe you've won I believe you've won six times and I've worked twice yeah but you know what I think you're two winning ones
are two of the best songs ever.
Well, let's hear the winning song.
This is called All Night Garage, and this is about a kind of moment in time that is passed now, and you don't have to worry about it until next year, but it's about when you panic on Christmas Eve about buying presents, which is completely evident from the world.
29%!
I can't believe it.
Stay strong.
What?
Oh no!
It's nine o'clock on Christmas Eve and I ain't got no presents yet.
What am I gonna do?
I'll have to go down to the all night garage.
All night garage, all night garage, Christmas shopping at the all night garage.
Hello there, mate.
How are you doing?
I've got to buy some stuff and my Christmas will be ruined.
Is that a DVD of this of yours?
I've got that kinder egg and them cigarette lights There's a Toblerone and those windscreen ladders I know it might seem like I'm a loser But on Christmas Eve, bakers can't be choosers I've got 50 quid and not much time All night garage, all night garage Christmas shopping at the all night garage All night garage, all night garage Christmas shopping at the all night garage Listen mate, I've got to go
Sometimes like this I can't help but feel I wish Santa Claus was really real I asked myself, what would Jesus do?
Perhaps he'd give his dad an old bottle of booze from the cupboard Forget the windscreen ones mate!
Merry Christmas!
Happy New Year!
All night garage, all night garage Christmas shopping at the all night garage All night garage, all night garage Christmas shopping at the all night garage
Joe, what's this you got me?
Delta Force Two and a cigarette lighter.
Oh, thank you.
You shouldn't have.
Oh my lord, is the play over yet?
You're so jealous.
Has it finally finished?
Yeah, it finished a long time ago.
Is anyone still awake?
It just seemed to last a long time, because one inhabits it so.
So you know the competition is called Song Wars.
Yeah.
You're supposed to write a song.
Yeah.
With like, verses, choruses, and you know, just... Yeah.
That had a verse and a chorus?
Not really.
the course went all night garage all night garage that's a course it's a chance it's not a course compared to christmas christmas christmas time christmas i think actually they're identical i've just uh answered my own case there
There you go.
That's it for Song Wars this week.
We'll be doing more Song Wars next week.
But for the moment, for everybody's sanity, we're going to take a bit of a break from the thing.
But when we do our next show, we're going to try and kind of branch out a bit subject-wise.
We're gonna go, one of our ideas listeners, I don't know what you think of this, is to do ringtones.
We're gonna compose a ringtone each, and that way, we're just trying to think of ways we can make genuine money.
You know, there's the idea of releasing some sort of a song wars album, but I think the only way that'll happen is if it's for comic relief.
Right, or the whole world suddenly goes deaf.
Yeah, yeah.
So ringtones is a good option, don't you think?
To raise some money, I write a ringtone.
We try and make them as insanely catchy as possible, like the Crazy Frog or T2 featuring Jodie.
It's easier said than done, though, man, you know?
I mean, everyone's at that game.
Do you think?
Yeah, surely.
We've talked about it a lot.
We've never actually nailed our colours to the master.
We tried to do it.
Maybe we should try it.
So that's what we're going to do.
If you've got any suggestions for themes or content of Song Wars, do email us at adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.
Now, here is one of Jo's favourite bands.
Yeah, who?
Because you love Nina Person from the Cardigans.
Yes.
You love that band.
Nina Person?
That's what she's called.
I know.
And do you remember the band and all the songs they dance?
Oh yeah.
Here's one of them.
I'm just remembering now.
Carnival by the Cardigans.
What?
There you go, that was the Cardigans with Carnival.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Just a reminder, folks, that this show has been pre-recorded for your listening pleasure.
So apologies if that makes you feel as if it's kind of less fun.
Does it bum you out if someone's pre-recorded?
Well, sometimes the live experience is more unifying.
It's something called the common consciousness.
Every living creature is existing at the same time under the same sun.
And if we share things communally, there can be an unspoken bomb between us.
You know what I mean?
A bomb?
A bomb.
An unspoken bomb.
Well, that's disastrous.
Yeah, exactly.
So it's a good thing we're pre-recorded.
It's much safer.
So I was just mentioning that so that you don't text or email us if you require an immediate response listeners, because I wouldn't want you to feel cheated.
Because if that happened, we could all be put in jail for a very long time.
Yes, indeed.
Now, one of the most exciting things that I've read on the internet this week that probably every other radio show in the world has done, but never mind, we'll do it too, is the Onions link of... Onions kind of... sum-up-ness.
What's that word?
Overview rundown of the worst band names of the year.
Yeah, you ready for some of them go on then hit me They've gone through the whole of the internet I think and every music magazine and kind of picked out the most stupid names.
Yeah One of them is gay, baby gay, baby.
Is that worse than gay dad?
I think so.
Yeah, I guess it's seeing as gay dad already existed.
It's more distasteful, isn't it?
It's not fair on the baby
uh and hit one more before we have to go to the news maybe we can hear some of these after the news okay but hit me with one more right now as a like a tease straight into the news harmonica lewinsky i love that his news that was a kinks with tired of waiting for you before that you heard the chemical brothers uh with the flaming lips with a track called the golden path this is adam and joe on bbc6 music hello
Hey, are you talking to me?
Yeah, not really.
The listeners, everybody.
Hey, how are you doing listeners?
Are you enjoying yourselves?
This can sometimes be a stressful time, because it's right in the middle, just between Christmas and New Year.
Whatever happens, you know, maybe you're gonna take it easy on New Year.
me and joe are definitely we're gonna sit back relax and just be nice and mellow about it but some people feel they have to push the boat out domestic abuse triples over christmas did you know that that's a really fun fact well it's booze in it that's the desert it's deadly booze it's the booze yeah of course cut down on the booze the booze is a disaster area it's a disaster area look at you look at me you know shadow of my former self
So just before that double whammy of great tracks, we were borrowing material shamelessly from the Onion AV website who've compiled a list of the worst band names of the year.
I managed to squeeze one out, but now here are the rest of them.
That's nice.
That's really pathetic kind of breakfast show innuendo kind of thing.
Here we go.
So how about some more?
You ready for some more, Adam?
Yes, please.
Would you buy an album by a band called Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band?
Yes, I definitely would.
I'd be delighted with that.
would you buy an album by a band called shout out out out out no how many outs for that's awful shout out out out out no I definitely wouldn't they used to be a band called on on on as well did you buy an album by them no I think I knew someone who was in the band and I remember them telling me the name and being very excited about it and I was thinking oh dear okay would you buy an album by a band called baboon torture division
Well, you know, to me, that doesn't sound much worse than the Arctic monkeys.
They're probably animal activists, aren't they?
Don't you think?
No, they hate baboons.
Baboon torture division.
Yeah.
Do you think?
They're in charge of the torture division.
Well, how does that follow up with the logic of joy division?
I mean, Joy Division didn't approve of the, uh, activities of the Joy Division.
They were cruelly and darkly satirizing, uh, them.
So I say the same logic applies to Baboon Torture Division.
I'm not aware of an actual existing Baboon Torture Division, though.
Really?
In a way that there was a- I'll do some internet research.
Right.
I'll get you some, uh, get you some info.
What about sex rat?
Penguins with shotguns.
That's terrible.
Sex... sex rat I can live with.
Penguins with shotguns, for some reason.
What about Dance Me Pregnant?
These are real bands.
Yes.
I quite like Dance Me Pregnant.
You see, it's hard to tell whether they're purposely bad, you know?
Yeah.
So many layers of... of irony.
What about The House That Gloria Vanderbilt?
No, that's useless.
What about Neil Diamond Phillips?
Um... Yeah, you quite like that one.
You're having to think about that a bit.
It's confused you.
Neil Diamond Phillips.
Yeah?
No, I don't get that.
Uh, Lou Diamond Phillips and Neil Diamond.
Oh, that's useless.
That's rubbish.
What about?
I liked the one that we can't actually say the whole name on the air, but it's the effing unicorns.
Yeah.
It only really works if you're allowed to say the bad word.
There's a lot of bands coming out with the F-word actually in the name of the band or stuff like that and you sort of think, what's, I mean obviously it's a gesture, it's a kind of anti-establishment gesture, they don't care if they're, you know, not mentioned or played on the radio or whatever, that's part of their stance, right?
You would think.
Yeah.
But it's, I mean it's counterproductive because I can't think of any really successful bands with the F-bomb in their name.
No.
No, it's counterproductive, exactly.
It stops you selling records.
It's a rude word.
Yeah.
Surely the aim of the game is to get your stuff out there and get it heard.
You know, what's the point of forming a band and rehearsing and doing gigs and stuff if no one's ever going to listen to you?
All right, bands?
Seems a bit insane.
So think about it.
That's what I'm saying, kids, all right?
It might seem clever and funny to drop the F-bomb in the name of the band there, but it ultimately, you'll regret it.
Here's the specials with Monkey Man.
Hooray, that was the specials with Monkey Man.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music On, this special inter-Christmas and New Year Saturday.
It sounded as if you rechristened the station BBC Six Music On.
Yeah, that's what it'll be called in the future.
Yeah.
When everything has the word con on the end.
Uh-huh.
Mmm.
Six music on with Joe Con and Adam Con.
It's not quite so good.
If you were listening a couple of weeks ago, friends, then you might recall I was just on my way to go and see Tintin, the theatre production of Tintin in Tibet with my young sons.
And, uh, I have to report to you that I enjoyed myself greatly.
It was fun.
If you get the opportunity, you should catch it.
You still haven't seen it, have you, Joe?
What, the stage production of Tintin?
Yeah.
No!
Ah!
When was the last time you went to the theatre?
Do you think people should be going around sort of in, in, in anguish that they haven't caught Tintin?
Well, yeah, because it's- Yeah, was it that good?
It's really good.
Yeah.
It's really good.
Unusually good, I would say.
Yeah.
I'm not a massive theatre fan.
No.
Because I don't, I get very uncomfortable.
You're too clever for the theatre.
Am I?
Yeah.
I just think you have a quick-wittedness and a love of drama that just supersedes theatre.
Why, there was no need for you to go in there and start being sarcastic from nowhere.
Er, I don't know, I think there was a certain medical need.
Right.
Anyway.
I'm only joking, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
But listen, folks, it was really good.
But by stark contrast, the next day, we went to the panto.
And maybe I shouldn't say the panto that we saw, just because I don't want to be negative, especially as I knew... Well, you can... I mean, pantos are generally generic, so you can tell us the story that was the fairy story that was unfolding without revealing the specific production, right?
Can't you?
Maybe.
Was it Jack in the Beanstalk?
Yeah.
Was it Cinderella?
Was it Snow White?
It was Jack in the Beanstalk.
Yeah.
OK, that's fine.
There are millions of productions of Jack in the Beanstalk.
Who was the star?
Well, I should say from the get-go that it went down very well with the audience that we went to see it at the Barbican Centre in London.
Well, that's that then now.
Yeah, I know.
But I'm saying that I'm identifying it now.
Right.
But everybody loved it.
It just- it was just me and my family.
Right.
That had a problem with it.
But mainly the problem was it was so long.
Why?
Why do they have to be so long?
They're for- they're- They're- It's important to be true to the facts of Jack and the Beanstalk.
No.
What are the facts of Jack and the Beanstalk?
Tell me the whole story right now.
I bet you could do it in under 10 seconds.
Okay, here we go.
Jack and the Beanstalk by J.M.
Cornish.
Once upon a time, Jack got some seeds and he put them in the ground.
They were from a fairy or maybe a witch.
and he put them in the ground and then a tree grew and he climbs up and at the top no a vine a beanstalk a beanstalk grows up and it goes above the clouds and he climbs up it and at the top there's a giant yes and he hides on the table
And then, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, there's a car chase.
He kisses the scullery maid.
Ah, there's some business with the loofah and Tom Hanks.
And then eventually the giant becomes nice and comes down to Earth, and they all live happily ever after.
Oh no, hang on, someone chops the beanstalk down.
Yeah.
Before the dragon can chase Cinderella.
That's basically it.
Yeah.
That's more or less it.
Well, that was... That was longer than I expected the summary to be, but that was still less than a couple of minutes.
Right.
The one I saw was two and a half hours.
Wow, two and a half hours.
Uh, I'm not sure exactly how long the interval was because we left them.
No!
Yes.
Did the kids want to go?
Yes, they wanted to go before it started.
But they're the ultimate arbiters.
The worst thing was that we were...
We got bad seats.
I mean, we were unlucky with the seats.
We were stuck there in the very back row of the circle, like the uppermost part of the theater.
So the furthest back you could possibly be.
Farthest back and right in the middle of a very long thin row from which there was absolutely no escape.
You know what I mean?
I absolutely hate that.
I can't bear it.
So I felt very claustrophobic.
It was incredibly hot in the theater.
And, uh, oh man, it lasted ages.
The children were squirming around and saying, Danny, when's he gonna start?
Like, a good 20 minutes before the show actually commenced.
Luckily, modern gadget fans, I had my video iPod there.
You watched a movie.
Did you catch a movie?
Or some episode of The Wire?
Headphones in?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Children were watching some, you know, inappropriate movie action on their
Oh, the whole family was watching the video?
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
So it saved our bacon now.
That's one of the Barbican, how long's that on for?
Probably a couple of years.
I mean, it's a successful production, a lot of talented people involved, and I would stress again that everybody else there was having a whale of a time.
But I think maybe my family is kind of jaded by DVDs and stuff.
Quite soon after the beginning of the production, my son Frank leaned over and said, Dad, I wish I could watch Star Wars again.
And I had to, I had to concur.
Listen, here's a session track listeners.
This is everything but the girl singing lonesome for a place I know this was recorded for Mark Goodyear on radio one in 1988 Everything but the girl with lonesome for a place I know recorded in 1988 for Mark Goodyear This is Adam and Joe on BBC radio six music home of the number six
Uh, now we were chatting about Pantos just there before the session track and Joe suddenly admitted that he had a little, little repressed memory that popped out.
A panto, it wasn't that long ago, I went to see a panto at the Royal Festival Hall, was it?
Hall?
Uh, it was designed, it was Peter Pan.
And it was designed by Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen.
Oh, you're obsessed with Llewelyn Bowen.
I do like that he's a very nice chap.
Yeah, well, we worked with him.
Exactly.
He's a nice fellow.
And I didn't go to see this because it was designed by Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen, but it was a kind of, you know, a Tony production.
A What's a Tony production?
That's like an American phrase for classy.
Oh, okay.
You know, a theatre phrase.
So yeah, so I went to see it.
And what Llewellyn-Bowen had done brilliantly was remove all the colour.
Right.
It was a black and white production.
There was no colour in any of the costumes.
Or the, uh, scenery.
Right.
No colour at all.
So it's all just white people as well.
White sort of outlining people.
Right.
Yeah, and it was really visually boring.
Colorless.
Yeah.
And nobody flew in it until the very, very end.
Literally after the audience had finished the first round of applause.
So it was colorless right the way through.
I thought you were gonna say it was like an opening gambit to make it.
No, not the whole thing.
Taking all the colour out from the whole thing.
Suddenly an explosion of colour like Pleasantville.
No.
Yeah, it was applying the logic of interior decoration to stage design, to set design.
Was this aimed mainly at adults?
There was an atmosphere of loathing in the auditorium.
Boredom and loathing.
How long did that go on?
And then at the very end, Peter Pan, we were waiting for flying all the way through and at the very end, Peter Pan sort of quite visibly strapped on a couple of wires and went about two metres off the ground, swung to the left a bit and then swung back into the scenery and then went down again.
Oh my lord.
It was awful.
Were there risque jokes?
No.
But you know what, when I get bored in the theatre, I don't know whether you find this or the listeners find this, you end up sort of looking at the bodies of the performers.
Do you ever find that?
Your mind goes off the story and you just end up looking at the... Like pieces of meat.
Yeah.
for your pleasure.
There'll be quite a lot of detail available for you.
The theatre for you is like a kind of sex show, isn't it?
And for you.
It's like Amsterdam.
It's like going to Amsterdam.
For you, for me, for everybody.
Let's face it.
It fills the performance in a little box.
Uh, let's have some more music, listeners.
Um, this is Lauren Hill with Doo Wop, uh, open brackets, that thin, closed brackets.
No, actually, as it's written down, it's Doo Wop T, open brackets, hat thing, closed brackets.
I think that might be a typo.
That's the yeah, yeah, yes With gold lion and before that you heard Lauren Hill with do what do that thing?
That thing that thing that's two ladies in a row.
Yeah sandwich my favorite Just before you carry on with what you would think I just wanted to get something of mine face Katie tunstall.
Hmm, you know Katie tunstall, right?
Is she very very small?
Or is it the guitar that's giant?
Because she knows she has a giant guitar.
Is it?
I'm just wondering, seriously.
Is she known to have an oversized guitar?
That's what I can't quite tell.
I can't tell if she's weenie.
Well, I think, you know, Occam's Razor and everything, you were talking about the other week.
The most logical explanation would be that she's small.
Where would it get you in the business to just have a really large guitar?
Well, in the crazy world of pop, it might be some kind of gimmick, yeah.
Yeah, do you think?
Wouldn't she push that a bit more?
I don't know, I saw her on later with Jules Holland the other day, and, uh, she was dwarfed by this ludicrously enormous guitar.
I'd say small.
You would say tiny.
Yeah, famous people are usually very small.
Right, right, right.
Tiny.
That's true, isn't it?
Makes it cheaper to build sets around them.
They, you know, eat less food.
If they get, um, shirty or bulgy in any way, they can be, you know, put down physically easier.
Yeah, you can transport more of them more cheaply.
They go in the hold.
Yeah.
In kind of, um, velvet-lined cases.
Bulk, famous people.
Yeah, exactly.
So there you go, there's the answer to your question.
Thank you.
Now, listeners, as we've mentioned several times, this is a pre-recorded show, but that shouldn't stop us from making it feel as if it's a real show.
How are you gonna do that?
By having a kind of imaginary text-o-nation.
Right.
So let's play the jingle.
Text-o-nation, text, text, text, text-o-nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text-o-nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
but don't text listeners because we're not actually here, but you can imagine you're texting or you can just chat about this Text the Nation subject between yourselves.
Yeah, so this is a sort of virtual text donation.
It's simulated.
It's a placebo.
Is it, in fact, a test text donation?
Yeah, it's a synthy test.
It's like a dry run.
Yeah.
A dress rehearsal for 2008.
Yeah, so please don't text.
There's no one here to read them.
But you can mind texting, you know, if you need some sort of business to keep you occupied.
But were we to be live, we'd be asking you, or I'd be asking you, to text in on the following.
I watched the Newborn film.
again yeah yeah yeah ultimatum supremacy which one ultimatum isn't it i think so the final one yeah yeah uh and it was quite exciting one of those films wasn't quite as good the the second time oh that's disappointing i'm just about to get into my second watch with the ultimatum you sort of see the tricks a bit more the second time
You know, the shaky cam, the relentless drum beats.
Surely the long chase sequence with the book punching was still good, wasn't it?
Yeah, brilliant.
Yeah, the set pieces are all fantastic.
But I was quite taken by the man.
I don't know what the actor's name is, but he's the baddie man and he's in the control room the whole time.
Do you remember him?
He's a bit like a sort of teacher.
He keeps saying stuff like, I want information, people.
Yes, you know in the little glasses.
He's strutting up and down.
There's him and there's the blonde lady and there's Brian Cox Yeah, there's not the blonde lady.
It's not Brian Cox.
It's him guy.
Although you do fancy Brian Cox.
I do a little bit What makes you say that's being silly?
Sorry?
Yeah, I was challenged there Mike.
Yeah What he knows I thought he knows
So I was taken by the dialogue, this man, it says, and the way he says it, he says stuff like in, yeah, stuff like, we went in for a sneak and peek.
A sneak and peek?
Yeah, what do you think that means, sneak and peek?
That's like a recce, isn't it?
Exactly, they broke into his flat and they searched around.
Yeah, we went in for a quick sneak and peek.
He says, get me a tic-tac-toe.
Ooh.
Yeah, what would you do if suddenly you were in that control room at a computer and he said to you, get me a tic-tac-toe?
What would you say?
I'd say I've got orange.
Orange and lime, is that good?
Or would you like mints?
Tic-tac-toe, it's like a tic-tac disease of the toes.
Of the toes, yeah.
Yeah, too many tic-tacs.
Yeah.
I've got tic-tac-toe.
I've got tic-tac-toes.
One of my toes is like green, the other one's orange.
And the other one's white and minty.
That actually means in elevations, like plans, elevations of a building.
Okay.
You can see it now, can't you?
A grid.
Yes.
Yeah, give me a tic-tac-toe.
He says, activate the asset.
That's an easy one.
You know what the asset is?
Oh, here's the assassin.
Yeah, the spy, exactly.
But that's something born invented, isn't it?
The use of the word asset.
Well, I mean, part of the thrill of those movies is the weird words they use.
I guess that a lot of these terms are taken from their real security forces.
Possibly all made up.
Possibly.
They say release the funds.
Release the fun?
No, release the funds.
It's Pat Sharp.
That's a fun house phrase.
Release the funds.
Someone said release the funds to you.
What would you think?
Uh, release the funds.
I would get onto the bank.
It's all terminology designed that if the phone's being tapped, they won't know what you actually mean, right?
It's like if you're on a plane or in a shop, they've always got a code for the fire alarm.
Is it like your security code on the back of your credit card?
I think that one was just to release some funds.
But I wrote it down anyway.
And one more.
He goes, at one stage, do a subrosa collection of the buddies.
Subrosa?
What does that mean?
That's just Latin, isn't it?
Well, Sub Rosa does mean something, um, but I forget what, because it's between Christmas and New Year.
But my question would be, were we having text in the nation, can you think of other phrases that could be applied in that way that sound as if they are very meaningful in a sort of spy and a complicated way, do you know what I mean?
In science fiction films, they have lots of stuff like that.
There's always a character that says things where locked and cocked, five by five, all green on my screen.
So what phrases are best under those circumstances?
I thought I'd maybe finished a mouthful.
finish the mouthful yeah yeah or what about uh put the clothes in the tumble dryer get me clothes in that tumble dryer yeah that could mean something what would that mean clothes in the tumble dryer that means that means conceal the body right what about uh what would the mouthful one mean finish the mouthful that would mean uh kill kill him polish him off finish the mouthful yeah yeah yeah yeah so get thinking how about record uh don't say it now don't say it now save it up okay save it up oh my god
Here's some music.
This is Elvis Costello with Oliver's Army.
That's Elvis Costello with Oliver's Army.
A song whose existence I was first made aware of by the film E.T.
by Elliot's older brother singing the lyrics there when he comes into the bedroom.
Do you remember that?
He doesn't sing Oliver's Army.
Are you sure?
He sings Accidents Will Happen.
There's so many people to see.
Some many people you can check upon and add to your collection.
There you go.
Wow, that's weak Elvis Costello information.
I've just heard I've been fired.
Of MacManus.
Why have you been fired from?
From 6 Music for that.
Oh, you have?
For getting that wrong.
That's right.
You know the line that always sticks out in Oliver's Army for me is, Hong Kong is up for grabs, London is full of abs.
I always think, hey, now you've been fired.
How does he know about abs from 5?
You've been fired.
for that yeah for that saying abs it's simulated text the nation time again listeners before that record we were asking you whether you had any ideas for general things you say around the house that could also be applied to a high tension scene in the born supremacy or identity or ultimatum
You've got to imagine a sweaty, evil government-type undercover man, pacing around in a room full of assistants and laptops and screens with confusing maps on them, shouting commands at them, and he says stuff like, Get me a tic-tac-toe.
We went in for a sneakin' peek.
And stuff like that.
Activate the asset.
Release the funds.
Put the clothes in the tumble dryer.
Get me eyes on Landy, he said at one stage.
That's a real one.
Get me eyes on Landy.
That just means, can you, can you get a video picture of Landy on the screen please?
See, it took a lot longer for you to say that.
Absolutely, and it made me sound pathetic.
Yeah.
It undermined my authority, where I discussed it.
Get me eyes on Landy.
Yeah, ooh.
What if I said, Code Tenabort?
Code Tenabort!
Would you say, what's that?
Stop the code 10.
Yeah, we know what abort means.
In case it's quicker just say, stop, stop it.
Stop that.
Stop it.
You'd have to go to the book and look at number 10.
Everyone stop it.
Stop it.
One code two.
Everyone.
Stop it.
Just stop everything.
Stop it.
To be sure.
At one stage in the born ultimatum, is that what it's called?
Yeah.
Somebody says, somebody give me a visual.
Yeah, I'd like to shout that more often, generally.
You know?
When would you say it in your everyday life?
Just at any point ordering a sandwich.
What sandwiches have you got?
Well, we've got... Get me a visual.
Get me a visual, you know?
I just need it visually represented to me.
I don't have time to listen to words.
Right, so if someone's talking about, like, a famous person or something, you just say, shut up, get me a visual.
Get me a visual, yeah.
Not even the shut up, that's a waste of words.
What would you say for shut up?
Uh, just, uh, cold sex, closure.
Code 6 refers to the jaw area.
Yeah.
Lock down the mouth.
Yeah.
Lock down the fangs.
Lock down the mouth, give me a visual.
Join the fangs.
Join the fangs, fans.
I can't talk.
Go on.
So you were, Adam, thinking of... I've got some phrases that could be used in the same way.
Who put the forks in the knife drawer?
That's good.
The forks are in the knife drawer.
You know, that means the mission's gone wrong.
Who put the forks in the knife drawer?
That's true.
They've gone off the pattern.
Right, right.
They've mixed the cutlery.
This is not the plan.
You've deviated from set plan.
That's good.
Who put the forks in the knife drawer?
That's good, I like it.
More.
Get me some toilet paper!
That's good, that's the sort of thing in real life you might hear in a slightly panicked voice from behind a closed bathroom door.
That means the operation has gone totally wrong.
Yeah.
Totally, it's a total mess.
What are you actually asking for?
Get me some toilet paper!
Are you actually asking for something?
Toilet paper.
Toilet paper, I'm confused.
Here's another one.
Can somebody feed the cat?
I like that one in particular.
Yeah, that's my favorite of the three.
What does that mean?
It goes both ways.
Because there's a cat.
In the operations room?
I'd say that one should be said more like, okay, gentlemen, let's feed the cat.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, let's feed the cat.
Who's gonna feed the cat?
Yeah, I don't know what it means.
But you could use it in some sort of a tense military situation.
No one would question it.
Because at the very least it gives somebody an excuse to leave the room.
The one I used to like, I was really impressed by when I was a kid, was Swallow that puppy.
What's that?
I don't know.
They say it in Top Gun, I think.
Swallow that puppy.
In some 80s film they say swallow that puppy.
They never say.
They do, I promise.
I thought that was the most meaningful thing.
Oh wow, can't wait to use that.
Never knew what it meant.
I've heard women referring to their assets as puppies before.
Maybe it was very dirty.
Maybe.
music time listeners.
I chose this one for you listeners and I wonder if lots of other DJs are forced to play this one.
I bet they happen because I'm so clever and they're so stupid.
But it's The Breeders with New Year.
That was Source featuring Candy Staten with You Got the Love.
Before that you heard a trail.
Wasn't it fun?
That was great.
I love that trail.
And before that you heard my choice for you listeners which was The Breeders with New Year because you see in a couple of days time
It will be the new year, so I was thinking ahead about that month.
That's the reason I chose the first one.
That's clever, that's good.
Yeah, yeah, it's always thinking.
All ties in, you see.
It's like a theme song.
Um, yeah.
So we're Adam, I'm Adam Buxton, and, uh, who are you?
My name's Ja Cornish.
Ja Cornish.
Mmm.
The J-Man.
Yeah.
The J-Monster.
J-Corn.
That's my album.
My hip-hop name is J-Corn.
My album will be, will just have my face in an acorn.
Cornballs.
Yeah.
We've never been big on nicknames throughout our lives.
It's true.
Uh, you know, I always wanted a nickname.
Like a street name.
Yeah, have you never had a nickname?
Did you?
Uh, I'd call you Mintz.
Mintz?
Yeah.
What?
Don't know.
With a T or like Mintz meets?
Uh, no.
Mintz is wrong for you.
What, you want kind of like a heart like a tag?
Well, something real like that comes from my name, Adam Buxton.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, you never had, like you never called, uh...
Anything, apart from Joe, were you?
Yeah, Joe's good enough.
Joe sounds like a nickname.
Ads, people called me.
ADZ.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's alright.
It's not bad, is it?
I wouldn't mind something a little bit more flash.
Uh, okay, I'll see what I can do.
Thanks.
I'll work on it during this next record.
Uh, maybe, maybe some listeners could, uh, suggest some stuff.
And when we come back next week, if you text during the week, then we can pick up those texts.
I wouldn't mind a few little nickname suggestions.
Don't just immediately suggest loads of offensive ones, okay?
Because we won't read them out.
I'm hoping people will send in ideas for Bourne-style lingo as well.
Absolutely.
That will be fun to read out on another show.
Here's the new Supergrass single.
It's released on the 14th of January.
It's only available on limited edition 7-inch and download, okay?
So don't try getting it on a non-limited edition.
Or what else?
Or a single?
Could they get it on a memory stick?
Don't know.
No.
Don't know.
Because that's my favourite way of listening to music.
It's their 27th single.
Buying a memory stick.
I love Supergrass.
This is called Diamond Who Ha Man.
That's the mighty Supergrass with Diamond Who Ha Man.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
Just a reminder, listeners, that this show is pre-recorded.
Yeah, I'm just thinking we don't have to keep reminding them.
I feel like we do because it's the climate of fear at the BBC.
Really?
You think we should really make it totally clear in case people are just tuning in?
Yeah, because you can get done for anything these days.
Really?
Oh yeah, there could be off-com investigation like that.
This show is not live.
You know, it should be...
Say that every now and then.
Exactly.
This show is not live.
Right the way through like a little bug.
You know sometimes if you watch a preview copy of a film, it says property of Warner Brothers.
It's stamped across there.
Do not attempt to text or email this show live.
This show is not live.
You see, I thought that maybe reminding them once in a while would be slightly less annoying than that.
Not live.
But maybe you're right.
This show is not live.
Maybe that's the way to go, yeah.
It's difficult, though, to maintain any kind of dialogue when you're just saying that.
I can talk at the same time.
Can you?
Not live.
This show is not live.
Can you tell them about the news in between them?
Yeah, here comes the news.
Live.
The news is live.
Uh, yeah.
Read by the news readers.
La la la la la.
La la la la.
Echo and the bunny men there with silver.
And before that, you heard, uh, foals with balloons.
Is that correct?
There we go, this is Adam and Joe, a very happy mid seasonal celebration Saturday morning.
To all of our listeners, we hope you had a wonderful Christmas day and we'll have a marvellous New Year's business.
I got a Christmas card from someone, well I assume it was a Christmas card, it just had the number 8 on it, it was like a homemade card.
But it was studiously the whole point of the card was to avoid the issue of Christmas.
So it didn't mention Christmas or any kind of... Why did it say eight on it?
Because it was like a limited edition.
It was presumably the number.
It was from an artist friend of mine.
Right.
Are you sure?
Not a serial killer.
No, number eight on some sort of list.
I'm pretty sure.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
How tell us more about my son and I'll tell you about the card I'll tell you more about how you will be killed it just said inside happy midwinter mmm and That doesn't buried in the snow.
Yeah, keep talking and then it said you will die pig at the bottom Really?
So probably you'll be killed and then you'll be fed to pick.
Yeah.
No, they didn't it didn't say you will die pig No, it's a happy midwinter and it was it just
It sort of made it an issue for me.
I was like, oh man, am I really... I suddenly thought about all the times that I'd mentioned Christmas to this person and I was thinking, do I really offend them every time I mention, like, anything religious?
Are they so anti-religious that they just don't want any mention of the word Christmas?
Do you know what I mean?
Like, I don't feel as if I'm particularly religious but I'm not offended when people talk about Christmas.
No.
Uh, the world's gone PC mad.
It's gone PC mad.
Yeah.
Listen, um, here's a track from Queen and David Bowie.
You all probably know which one it is.
Uh, the last time I sung this at Karaoke, I sung it so well.
Uh, everybody stopped and just stared and looked quite angry and bored.
Did you sing the Freddie Mercury parts or the Bowie parts?
Probably.
The whole thing.
Oh, I think the Bowie parts.
Right.
But you know karaoke's not for good singing.
No.
You know, people who sing well when you do karaoke, they're idiots.
It's a bit of a drag.
Do you know what I mean?
You're supposed to sing badly or funnily.
Were you in the UK when you sang the song?
I was, yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
But that's just a little anecdote.
Really, really small one.
Can you do a little bit for us now?
What's your favourite part of Under Pressure to do?
I can't do it now, I've got a sore throat!
David Bowie and Queen with Under Pressure.
Do you remember the video for that?
Uh, you know what?
I don't think I do, really.
What was it?
I think it was a performance thing.
I might be wrong, but I've got an image in my head of people sat around a studio.
Maybe I'm just imagining the top of the pop's performance and Legs & Co were just sitting down while they played it or something, I don't remember.
It was from, was it from the album Hot Space?
Hot Space, yes it was.
Is that a Queen album?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it had, uh, was it on there?
Or maybe it was a sort of stopgap single, I can't remember.
Hot Space wasn't bad, it had, uh, Give Me Your Buddy, Buddy Language.
Doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop-doop.
That's my impression of the song.
That sounds like a great song.
It's not bad.
This is Adam and Joel on BBC Six Music.
Happy Saturday morning.
Hope everyone's had a lovely Christmas and all that.
It's time for a little bit more music now.
Here's Hot Chip with Ready for the Floor.
Ooh, it's a little abrupt there, isn't it?
What an extraordinary series of noises.
Bit rude.
A lot of those noises were created just with rubber bands with stationery.
Most of that song is actually played on stationery.
Is that true, Pat?
No.
Mmm.
Be good though, wouldn't it?
There's gotta be a lot of songs that have that kind of percussion in it.
Really?
Yeah.
Like Lo-Fi, Home Developed Percussion.
Well, The Beatles.
No, was it The Beatles or The Beach Boys?
No, The Beach Boys used the sound of people eating vegetables as the percussion for one of their tracks, called Vegetables.
Has anyone ever used the sound where you get a flexi ruler and put half of it off the desk?
Right.
Flip it, let it vibrate, then rotate it so that it's dampened.
You would think so.
That was hot chip, incidentally, folks, in case you were wondering, with ready for the floor.
And this is Adam and Jo here on 6 Music.
It's very hot in the studio today.
It's very hot, yeah.
The air conditioning's broken.
It's getting sexy.
Uh, we're down to our undies.
It's a little bit soporific though, when you get heat like this, especially when it's cold outside.
I'm not soporific.
And in this country, they can't handle, they can't get the balance right, you know what I mean?
England is not equipped for any radical change of temperature, so as soon as it gets very parky, everybody just blasts the heat right up, you know?
Like I got on the train the other day,
and it was so hot inside the carriage and you'd come out and you're all wrapped up and freezing cold outside you get in the carriage and it's like tropical heat so you have to strip right down and then a train gets there you have to get you have to pull your clothes back on they should do you know like in sexy films when somebody comes into a room appears to be dressed in lots of clothing but it's all got one zip on it right and they take it off and then either naked or in their smalls yeah they should sell clothes like that in Britain what film is that meaning?
Well, I got a whole liddie team.
Can I borrow?
Uh, wouldn't that be great?
And then so everyone goes on the Tube, or on their public transport system, if they don't live in a city with a Tube, and they unzip their things, and then it's just like sexy stuff.
Sexy time.
Yeah, and only only sexy people would be allowed on.
Oh, well, that's no good for me then.
It's good for me.
I dare say you as well, I was gonna say.
This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.
Is it time for even more music?
Well, alright, yeah.
Here's some... Seems a little... You know, it's a new year for Amy Winehouse coming up.
She's been in the papers a lot.
The other week in The Guardian, there was an article about how she tries to avoid the paparazzi, and it had a little vignette where Amy's walking along the street.
She leaves her house, the paparazzi try to pap her, and two old ladies go, Leave her alone!
Leave her alone!
Have a day!
Leave her alone!
She's just trying to leave her life!
And it describes how the two old ladies help Amy Winehouse into the newsagent out of the way of the paps.
Then they go, you alright, dear?
You alright?
And she goes, yeah, I'm fine.
Alright, can we have a picture?
And they ask her for her picked photo on their mobile phone.
Did she oblige?
Yes.
Well, that's alright, that's a happy story, isn't it?
What a terrible, uh, hassled life, though.
Yes.
She must be leading at the moment.
No respite.
It can't be fun to be her.
Even by the old ladies.
You know, is she courting it?
Yeah.
Has she asked for it?
Does she deserve it?
Or is it a terrible albatross round her neck?
Text the message board with your thoughts on that.
Here's Amy Winehouse with Stronger Than Me.
Well done.
Well done, Amy.
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
Have something to drink.
No, sorry.
I shouldn't have asked you that.
Just have some water.
How awkward.
How very awkward.
That was Amy Winehouse.
That was a session recorded for Six Music on the 2nd of November 2003.
Wow.
Early days.
Early winehouse.
I can't remember anything about 2003.
2003.
We were just partying.
We were raving all year long, that's why.
We were spending all the cash that we got from that advert.
Yeah, exactly.
We pretty much didn't do anything that year.
Yeah, thanks sir, automatic.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
Now this next track, Listeners, is a punk classic and it's one that's close to my heart because I spent absolutely hours learning this because I can play this on my guitar.
It's a four chord wonder.
Right.
Richard Hell and the Voidoids with Blank Generation.
But it's got very difficult lyrics to learn, you know, because they don't necessarily scam.
They're brilliant lyrics.
And he, I remember seeing him just reciting the lyrics on some punk documentary, and they just got him to sit down and recite them like a poem, you know?
I was saying, let me out of here before it's even born.
It's such a gamble when you get a face.
It's fascinating to observe what the mirror does.
When I die, it's to the wall that I set my face.
I belong to the blank generation.
And on he went like that.
It was sort of good, but the song's a bit better.
Here's Richard Helen the Voidoids.
from seven to ten in the evening.
I thought we weren't going to tell people about that.
I've done it now.
Have you?
We're leading into the queens of noise who are going to present a kind of a barnstorming DJ-type set to take you right up to the big hour, the moment when the world changes.
Yeah.
It's a fresh start for everybody.
Absolutely.
New celebrities, new TV shows, new clothes.
Uh, new words, new haircuts, new fashions, new snack products.
Have you got the fashion news for 2008?
Yeah.
What's happening?
Uh, uh, bomber jackets.
Bomber jackets.
Yeah.
One leg short, one leg long.
Right.
On the, um, trousers.
They're called trousers.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, roller skates.
Right.
Uh, a back, back, back.
You know what I heard is in?
What's in?
Vled nostrils.
really yeah just flaring them the whole time no little rings really to push the nostrils out keep them flared really yeah and then by September they're gonna be right out and then drain pipe nostrils are gonna be I've heard pleading growing a beard pleasing it growing the pubic hair pleasing it and pleasing them both together so they link in the middle
Thank goodness, because I've been doing that for years.
That's going to be huge.
Well, you're ahead of the trend.
I hope it was going to come back in style.
You're on top of the ball.
That's excellent.
Yes, time for more music now.
Is this Stars With The Night Starts here?
I love Stars With The Night Starts here.
Wow, there you go.
Stars With The Night Starts here.
What an extraordinary sort of record, very pictorial lyrics there.
A man driving a car into the sea, and then turning back.
It's amazing what you can do with words, isn't it?
It is.
Describe scenes and things, but that sounds like an 80s record.
It does, doesn't it?
It sounds like, do you know what it reminds me of?
The kind of song that would pop up on a soundtrack to a very, very bad film.
Yeah, or if you were quite young and were listening to it on your headphones, you could really imagine that life was a film.
And I'm not, I'm not damning the song by saying it would pop up on one of those bad soundtracks, but sometimes you can get quite a good soundtrack to a very bad film.
Like, do you remember the film Cool World?
Sort of half animated, half, uh, real?
Mmm, Ralph Baschke business.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And there was a brilliant Brian Eno, a couple of excellent Brian Eno songs, which I believe
Sort of first appeared on the album if you weren't all well I'm very rich and very soulful and sometimes that happens to me and there was some a couple of good like There was an original Bowie track for that one.
Do you remember real cool?
Well, yeah quite enjoying them out for the movies.
He loves popping them out Yes, so Adam just a quick bit of advert related info How what distance do you like your flakes to be visible from?
Well, the flake is a very visible bar because of the yellow wrapper.
No, no, no, you've misunderstood me.
Your dandruff flakes.
Oh, I see.
What distance do you like them visible from?
I'd rather they weren't visible.
Really?
Yeah.
Would you be interested in a product which claims to make your flakes invisible, but that that claim is based on visibility of flakes when seen from a distance of two feet?
Oh, I see.
Would you be interested in that?
Have you seen that advert for the I don't know whether you've seen it listeners for a for an anti dandruff shampoo And it says at the bottom of the screen claim based on visibility of flakes when seen at distance of two feet No way.
Yeah, you'd have to have giant flakes.
Wouldn't you?
Oh, you mean right to so without the am I two feet from you now?
Yes, I am probably more I'd say that was three to four feet a foot is the length of a ruler I a standard ruler 30 centimeters
Well, if you did have severe dandruff, I would be able to see it at two feet.
Do you think?
Yeah.
No, but this, not if I use this stuff.
Well, no, hopefully not.
Yeah, but if you came closer than two feet, the flakes would begin to appear.
Yeah.
So it's good for first date stuff, isn't it?
Because he's not going to come too close or she.
No.
But then if it gets down to the nitty gritty, it's lights off time.
Yeah, but they're saying, listen, we can control very big dandruff, but we can't guarantee to control like micro dandruff.
So for this product to be useful to you, you'd have to have really big flakes.
No, that's what I'm saying.
I think, well, you have quite big flakes.
Yeah, like cornflakes.
They're quite big as flakes go.
They are, aren't they?
Yeah.
It just conjures up interesting images of like dates and dancing on the dance floor.
Every time he comes closer than two feet, you integrate a little shove into your routine.
Right.
Just to keep him at bay.
Well, you know, the other thing, if you couldn't afford the shampoo in question would just be to tell people to stay two feet away from you.
at all times, or just to stink slightly, to encourage flatulence and just have a cloud of stench around you.
You could wear like a hoop, you know, with a strap around your shoulders to keep people more than two feet away from you at all times.
This is a very good idea.
If you didn't want to buy the shampoo.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Thank you.
Oh, I chose this song.
Look, I just looked at the coming up next screen.
I hope you enjoy this one, folks.
I've actually chosen a lot of old music this week, and you know, usually I like to unveil some really hot happening underground music stuff, Joe, because that's kind of... Sure you do.
...person I like, but this week I seem to have delved into the old bucket, and here's a very old bucket indeed, Neil Young, with Cinnamon Girl.
Oh my gosh.
The Beastie Boys, an irresponsible ban from New York who are going round encouraging kids to steal the badges off VW Volkswagens and wearing them round their necks on a chain.
Was it the illegal actions of the Beastie Boys and their VW badge stealing antics that caused Mercedes to actually invent
Badges that retreated into the hood of the car rolls-royce did that I think they used to have a What she called the silver lady or yeah, she's called that they had a special rolls-royce where the where she went inside I'm not sure VW did or maybe lots of cars No, I didn't about VW because they never had a badge maybe BMWs, but Mercedes You know possibly the bends cuz some a lot of rappers used to wear the bends logo.
Yeah
But they're a disgrace, the Beastie Boys, and they must be kept out of Britain.
Keep the sick rappers.
It's not even musical.
They just talk.
They just shout.
What happened to Melody?
They just shout.
And you know they're posh as well.
They're Ivy League educated, so they're not from the street.
They're trust fun kids.
They'll never get anywhere.
They have women in cages, do they?
At their shows.
That's disgusting.
Women with ooze in cages.
No, I think that's public enemy.
But they should be stopped.
Quick, stop them before they become famous.
For goodness sake.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.
Thanks for joining us.
We hope you're recovering from your festive overload.
Everyone listening will probably be feeling quite bloated.
So do take a macrobiotic yogurt drink.
For that it's difficult especially in the winter as well because is it true to say that your body naturally bulks up a little bit anyway That's true Because of the cold weather.
Yeah, you get you actually get if you go outdoors and come indoors You get condensation on the inside of your body, right?
And that can cause to that can cause to farting.
There we go Dr. Cornish
Dr. Cornish, right.
Let's have a little more music then I'd like to make some predictions for the television in the new year Here's a good song.
This is a song that very much inspired the band blur.
I I would venture Yeah, are you guessing or do you know that?
I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure I mean it's it you'll get your
Well, I'm sort of guessing, but it's everything you need to know about mid-period blur.
Really?
Like a little character sketch.
Very well observed with an excellent quirky little melody.
I'm talking about Pink Floyd with Arnold Lane.
Good stuff.
That's Pink Floyd with Arnold Lane.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music on Saturday the 28th of December 2007.
Before we heard that record, Adam was saying that he thought there was a, you know, a little nugget of inspiration for blur in that Pink Floyd track.
Yeah, you can hear the Damon Albron-isms of mid-period blur in there, related to the vocal style, I would say.
Speaking of blur, I'd been interested in watching E4, you know, the Channel 4 cable channel.
What?
Yeah, it's a new channel.
They've got a show on called, I think it's called Mobile Unsigned.
It's kind of like the X-Factor for indie bands.
I've seen, it's got... They repeat it on the main channel, I think, like Zane presents it.
Alex Zane presents it, and it's a kind of indie x-factor style competition between credible young bands.
The judges are Joe Wiley and some bloke from some record company.
Right, I've seen him sort of saying, if none of these bands is successful, then I've totally wasted my time and the reputation of my company will lie in tatters.
Exactly.
He's judge number two and judge number three is Alex James from Blur.
Yeah.
And it's interesting to see that kind of format
taken and they've tried to make it as cool as possible.
Do you know what I mean?
So there's an atmosphere in the show of just embarrassment and discomfort at the whole proceedings.
Do you know what I mean?
Because anyone with any sense of reality would kind of realise that those competition shows are pretty stupid.
They're inherently uncool of course.
Yeah, and of course, so like a good band that gets respect from the music papers would never come into the scene on a show like that, would they?
No, exactly.
But the people that designed the show are aware of that credibility problem, so they've done everything they can to shore it up against it.
You know, Alex Sane presenting, he's cool.
He is cool, he's a good looking sexy little man.
Yeah, credible people on the panel.
Yeah.
Wylie, she knows what she's talking about.
Alex James knows what she's talking about.
But some of the bands find it very difficult to kind of respond in the right sort of a way in some of the VT packages.
Yeah, when we came onto this show, we thought it was stupid, load of rubbish.
Then we thought, cool, you know, if it gets us attention, you got to get out there any way you can.
And then they kicked us off.
We thought, oh, it's rubbish.
But then they invited us back on and we thought, cool, you know,
That sort of business.
They keep kicking people off and getting them back on again.
Giving people last minute reprieves.
That's one of the latest mechanics in those shows, right?
To mess with their heads.
To mess with their heads, yeah.
Then they had professional musicians giving them advice the other week.
Some bloke from the Wanna Dies, was it?
Someone like that.
That's hair from the Wanna Dies?
Maybe, I don't know, but it's a peculiar show.
Do you think the band that will win it could get anywhere?
Well... You've got to be nice, you've got to be charitable, haven't they?
If they're a good band, then they're good regardless of how they were launched.
Yeah, I don't know, but I mean... Would you find that a problem?
Buying a record by an album that had won, like, an E4 talent competition?
I'd find it a problem buying a record by an album.
I think it would just be so difficult for the album itself to become animated to the extent that it could produce a record.
Fair point.
There might be something about it in the news.
I was really trying to speak then.
I made one mistake.
I kept the words going in a order that made sense for minutes.
I'm really sorry.
And then I have one little slit.
I'm sorry, man.
And that was it.
It's so hot in here.
Let's have some blondie.
Blondie with Ripper to shreds.
They made a mistake in the whole West End musical game, didn't they?
What?
There's a West End musical called Desperately Seeking Susan.
Oh, that uses Blondie music.
That's right.
What a miscalculation.
Listen, there might be a story about this in the news.
Jack Peñate with Have I Been a Fool.
Hey, this is Adam and Joe here on 6 Music.
Almost the end of the year, folks.
It's almost over.
That's it.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Yeah, because, you know, you've only got a couple more days left.
Incidentally, we'll be with you on New Year's Eve here on Six Music to take you through from seven o'clock till 10 p.m.
And after us, there's the, uh, the Cheeky Girls with their New Year's Eve celebration.
They're called the Queens of Noise.
They're like the Cheeky Girls, though, aren't they?
They are.
They're kind of like the indie version of the Cheeky Girls.
They're very attractive, the Cheeky Girls.
They are.
And so are the Queens of Noise.
Yeah, they are.
Mmm.
Ooh.
Hello.
Steady.
Um, so, TV chat time.
Um, I've been worried this year 2007 and far bit from me to open up another can of TV controversy worms.
Mmm, I love TV controversy worms though.
I've been worried that some of my favourite reality shows are becoming self-aware.
Do you know, like when a computer becomes sentient, the people who take part in these shows are aware of the format.
And they're playing up to them.
Oh, that's been happening for years.
Has it?
Surely.
I've been getting into Ramsay's kitchen nightmares.
Do you ever watch that?
Uh, no, I'm not down with Ramsay.
It's very, very good.
Is it?
Yeah.
He takes a restaurant that's going wrong.
Yeah.
And he visits it.
And it's always a disaster.
The people are nutty.
The kitchen's a mess, the food's horrible, and it always sort of revolves around some delusion that the owner's got based on an experience in his past, or some sort of psychological thing that one can often learn from in terms of ambitions and delusions and stuff.
Ramsey swears at them, he takes the Mickey, he provokes them, he prods them.
brilliant TV they get furious then he introduces a special Ramsey menu he makes over the pub he launches a special it's always the same every week he does a special some sort of parade down the main square so all the villagers know about the new restaurant and then it's a triumph
Right.
It's always a triumph.
Like Ratatouille.
And yeah, the people make up the rats run the restaurant.
Yeah.
But the more I've watched this, the more it seems that the participants know that that's the lay of the land.
They know the roles they have to play.
They know that the restaurant has to look a bit disastrous.
Yeah.
And it's beginning to be a bit contrived.
Now, you quite rightly said that you think people just know this.
This is a kind of accepted part of viewing.
You would think so.
Like wife swap I've noticed it in.
Yeah.
How clean is your house?
I don't think those houses are that dirty until the camera crew announce they're gonna come round.
Oh really, yeah.
I think they muck them up.
Yeah.
A widdle here.
A pop there.
You know, use the sink as a toilet for a couple of weeks before Kim and Aggie come.
It would be sort of liberating in a way, wouldn't it?
It would.
It would almost be worth.
If you've got a normal house, just live like a happy tramp for a week.
Exactly.
And get on telly.
Presumably they give you a little bit of money for doing the show.
I think we should set up a restaurant.
This is a good idea.
And it would be awful.
Yeah, and we would not get on.
There'd be arguments.
Right.
Uh, it would stink, the food would be awful.
Then get on the phone, call Ramsey.
We could make a little bit of money, this is a good idea.
Yeah?
Yeah.
And then, uh, we'd play along.
At the end, we'd hug and stuff.
And then, A, we'd be back on telly.
Hug & Stuff would be a good name for a restaurant.
That's how the restaurant's called Hug & Stuff.
Uh-huh.
Uh, we'd be on telly, we'd have a successful restaurant.
Yeah.
Gordon's dishes are very simple, it wouldn't be much work.
I'm really excited about Hug & Stuff.
Because it sounds a little bit like Haagen-Dazs.
So it's a sort of successful, you know.
Do you know what?
It's not even a restaurant.
It's just a happy shop.
Exactly.
You come in, and here's the problem with Hug & Stuff.
What?
We stink.
Do we?
We smell.
Really?
Because we're not properly clean, we're not, uh, you know, we don't wash enough.
This is the problem before the... Yeah, before Ramsay gets there.
This is the problem that Ramsay would identify.
So he just deodorises us.
He says, uh... Look, you're getting people in off the street, you're promising them hugs and stuff.
Off the effing street, you effer.
Off the effing street, you silly effer.
But you effing smell.
That's the word of BS.
Yeah, exactly.
You silly silly word.
It's H1T.
Did you say the C word?
No.
And when he does, he means custard.
Right.
What are you talking about?
Oh, just sensorizing.
That's the C word in rams as well.
Anyway, lots of exciting ideas there for me and Adam in the new year.
You guys stink.
You need some deodorant.
You effing BS'ers.
Huggin' stuff's never gonna happen unless you learn how to wash properly.
Huggin' stuff.
We're gonna copyright that, by the way, during this next record.
This is one of my choices.
It's a hip-hop band from the past called The Far Side.
This is called Passin' Me Bar.
There's the Farside with passing me by, all the way from 1993.
Now Fat Lip was in Farside, right?
Yeah, and Fat Lip, uh, yeah, he's brilliant, and if you go on the Spike Jones DVD, the big, uh, you know, the, the director's set, there's a set of DVDs by some of the world's greatest pop video directors, and Spike Jones did one, and there's a brilliant documentary that Spike Jones did with Fat Lip.
Did I say Dones?
Yes you did.
There's a brilliant documentary that Spike Jones did with Fat Lip and it's all about him leaving that band and having a bit of a mental breakdown.
That's right, dignity.
Coping off with a lady of the night who turned out to be a fellow of the night.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Getting horribly teased.
But yeah, the Far Side split.
But Fat Lip did release a solo album that's brilliant.
It's called The Loneliest Punk.
It was only released in the US.
But you and you can get it on obviously amazon.com, but if you're a fan of farsight and you haven't checked out fat lips solo album the loneliest punk well worth Maybe you can download it off off of the itunes.
I don't know well worth check checking out Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's good man.
He's wicked he's a wicked.
That's what people say, right?
Is it?
I think so, yeah.
Is it wicked?
You know, one of the things in the, we were talking about the panto biome the other day, they'd absorbed loads of humorous cultural reference points.
Yes, pop culture references.
Yeah.
It's an important element aspect of panto.
You can sort of get a feel for, you can take the nation's comedy pulse by the stuff that seeps into panto.
Like a couple of years ago, or maybe just a year ago even, it would have been loads of Little Britain references.
But in the panto this year, it was like one of the big jokes was having the fairy godmother be talking very posh, but then kind of drop into street slang in it.
A little bit like the Armstrong and Miller sketch, you know, with the posh... Oh, do you think?
Yeah, I would say almost certainly, they'd nicked it off there.
That's just illustrating the schizophrenic nature of modern Britain, with half the population speaking posh, the other half peaking, speaking a kind of Jamaican kind of slang, and there's no in-between anymore.
No, no, no.
But it's be- it's beautifully illustrated, of course, by the, uh, Armstrong and the others.
Yeah, that's a good sketch.
It's as good as it gets as an illustration goes.
Hey, this is Adam and Joe on, uh, BBC Six Music.
Here's a little more music, uh, you know, cause that's what the station's all about.
This is New Order with World.
That's New Order with World, The Price of Love.
It feels as if you couldn't really bring out a new song that was as upbeat as that nowadays, do you know what I mean?
I mean, that's obviously nonsense, but, uh, it's so shiny and special, that song.
When did it come out?
Like, early 90s, that one.
1993, the same year as, uh, the fast side record we played before it.
There you go.
It was a, it was a more hopeful time.
It was, it was before the world changed, Adam.
changed forever on changed forever on that fateful day on the fateful day fat take that split yeah yeah sediment John BBC six music time for this from Adam oh yeah well I just noticed that I didn't choose this but I'm very happy to see it here it's a session track from John Cooper Clark
Uh, he's fantastic.
If you've never investigated John Cooper Clarke, I would strongly recommend that you do a poet, a kind of punk poet, I suppose, from Manchester, and the very first of, uh, well, not a particularly long line.
But do you remember who was the guy Murray Lachlan Young?
Was that his name?
Don't know.
He was supposed to be turning poetry into rock and roll for a while in the early 90s, I think, and it was supposed to make it sexy again.
Make poetry sexy.
But it didn't really work.
But John Cooper Clarke, I reckon, did make it sexy.
I can make poetry sexy.
Go on, make some poetry sexy right now.
Do it during the song.
I can't do.
I'll write a sexy poem.
Are you going to write a sexy poem?
Yeah.
Finish the whole show with your sexy poem.
Pop rhymes with legs.
Okay, while Joe's composing his sexy poem, here is... Eggs?
John Cooper Clarke with a poem about readers' wives.
Like it's a poem about something dirty, but he makes it brilliant using his brain.
Check it out.
Eggs.
That was John Cooper Clarke with readers' wives.
That was recorded for a John Peel session way back in October 1978.
I finished the poem.
Oh, excellent.
I was hoping you might.
You were challenging me to make poetry sexy.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
She was a sexy woman.
Her body was all nice.
Sexy legs and sexy face and sexy breast twice.
That was nice.
I thought you were going to talk about the legs.
No, I couldn't think of a rhyme better than pegs That wasn't as good.
You know, I went through I scrapped a lot of versions.
That's lovely.
Is that almost a haiku?
Probably not sexy breast.
I don't know.
Hey, listen, thanks very much for listening this week everybody Are we gonna have one more record before we go?
I think we should do shouldn't we think you should it's been a little bit rambly and shambolic More than usual this week.
Everyone's tired after the Christmas period
our audience's brain cognitive functions will be impaired so actually we purposely made this show a little more ramshackle just to fit in with them yeah yeah exactly we're on the nation's brain waves the nation's brain waves exactly that's the thing about our show it's all very very tightly scripted
but we'll be back with you live properly next week with a proper song wars the theme of song wars is going to be jingles no ringtone ringtones we're going to make a million so they'll be short but incredibly powerful but until then here's some more music and it is the jam by the muhawks hey thanks for listening and we're sorry