There you go, that's the Fountains of Wayne with Radiation Vibe.
Hello, my name's Adam Buxton.
Hello, my name's Joe Cornish.
Good morning.
Good morning, Joe.
Thanks a lot, man.
How are you doing?
How did you sleep?
I slept very well.
Good morning, listeners as well.
Yeah, morning.
Nice morning.
How did you sleep, listeners?
Yeah, were you okay?
Did you have to get up in the night for any reason?
No, I slept very soundly, did you?
Yeah, sometimes I do have to get up a lot.
Do you?
Yes, because I'm very old.
Are you?
I'm very old and I've got a tiny bladder.
Yeah, so I do have to get up a lot during the night, but no, I had a nice, uh, restful night last night.
Although I had strange dreams.
Oh dear.
I had a strange dream about you, actually.
Now that I come to think of it.
Was it sexy?
No, it wasn't sexy.
This time it wasn't sexy.
It was a little bit angry.
Really?
What were you angry with me about?
Shall I tell you later?
Yeah.
Shall I tell you after this next song?
Folks, we've got a great show coming up for you.
Oh my lord, we're gonna be resolving one of the most heated and fraught song wars in the history of song wars.
Yeah, it's not looking good for me, I don't think.
You reckon?
I've caught some vibes in the big British castle this morning that maybe it's not so good for me.
Really?
Our producer.
not being very subtle about the hinting.
Do you know when your own producer gangs up on you?
Well listen, to put you in the picture folks, if you weren't listening last week, the first Song Wars of 2008, we thought we'd do an easy one, you know like a short one, we were gonna do ringtones.
So Joe comes in armed with like three ringtones, which myself and Jude our producer thought was a violation of the Song Wars contract.
Joe got a little bit defensive about it, I got a little bit aggressive about it, and it was all, like, bad vibes were bouncing off the walls, like, uh, kind of monkeys, fun monkeys.
And so, who knows how that's all gonna turn out this week?
You'll find out in this program.
Also, we have the nation's favourite feature, Text to Nation, coming up later on in the program, as well as, of course, brand new songs to unveil for this week's Song Wars.
All that coming up after this.
This is Adele with Chasing Pavements.
That's Adele with Chasing Pavements.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music coming to you live from the big British Griffith Castle in London, which is a big city in the south of England that many of you may never be able to afford to visit.
No, it's amazing.
It's very exciting.
It's full of furious people.
The streets are studded with celebrities and celebrities with studs.
Ooh.
Paris Hilton.
She lives here, she's in Oxford Street right now.
She sleeps on the street.
Yeah.
Because she doesn't have enough money to afford a house in London.
No, exactly, because London's very overpriced and amazing.
And it's a lovely morning here in London.
Folks, I'm glad to tell you, I saw the weather guy last night saying... What?
In a kind of intimate way.
The weather guy?
Yeah.
Did you go clubbing together to a sort of a gay club?
Oh, no.
I saw him on TV.
Yeah, I don't know the weather guy.
Okay, sorry.
I completely missed you.
It's true.
No, it's okay.
It's all right.
Yeah, I don't know him.
I don't know the weather guy.
Don't you?
Don't know him.
I completely got the wrong end of the stick.
Yeah, you did.
I'm really sorry.
How embarrassing.
How very embarrassing for you.
No, I saw him, and I just caught the tail end of his report, and he was saying, so I'm afraid it's going to be the end of the good weather.
And I was thinking, what, the good weather?
This has been one of the worst weeks of weather.
And you don't like talking about the weather, Joe.
I love it, I love it.
It fascinates me.
But I do.
The weather.
Because I'm British.
What will happen next?
I'm from Britain.
And it gets me down, man.
I'm deeply, I get SAD a little bit, you know?
And I find it, don't you find it odd that, especially in Great Britain,
Where we're good at coming together in a crisis.
Do you know what I mean?
Sure.
Yeah, I mean I'm thinking of the the blitz Yeah, that's the last time Britain came together in a crisis and sang songs and held hands and you know weathered weathered a shared crisis together But you think like well a rainy day a very rainy day like we had yesterday in London town is Deeply depressing and everyone's miserable
So why don't we share that crisis together?
Instead it divides us.
You go out there and everyone's furious with each other, everyone's looking down, everyone's thinking, I hate you, this is the worst day of my life and I hate absolutely everyone.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Or is that just me?
Observation, it's all happening in your head.
It's just in my head.
Hey, last night on BBC Four, as part of their pop Britannia season, they showed Cracked Actor again.
Oh yeah.
Alan Yentob's extraordinary documentary about David Bowie.
Yes.
I haven't seen it for a while.
It's lovely.
It's fantastic.
Every year it kind of gets better.
Yeah.
And favourite scene?
Favourite scene with the bit where he's talking about his cut up techniques.
Yes.
I don't know if this is how.
Who else does it?
Bukowski does it.
You know that stuff?
Yeah.
Just brilliant.
He's so kind of mannered and he's still really cool.
He looks lovely.
It looks a little bit
It's a little bit birdy song, isn't it?
It looks a bit like Ricky Gervais' dance from The Office.
It does, doesn't it?
But more graceful.
Yeah, but that's when he crosses the line.
But God bless him.
He's great, isn't he?
Here in celebration is a little bit of 80s Bowie.
This is China Girl.
David Bowie with China Girl.
My favourite lyric from that song is, it's in the way of my eyes.
It's just a way of saying I can't see.
No, he's saying it's in the whites of my eyes.
He's not, is he?
Yeah.
Are you sure?
Yeah, definitely, because Iggy Pop sings it a bit more clearer.
I wish he was singing it's in the way of my eyes.
I know, I always thought it was... Let's use that phrase.
Yeah.
Can you move that book?
It's in the way of my eyes?
Yeah, that's a shame.
Oh, well, there we go.
Do you remember the filthiness of that video?
I do!
It's, well, it's got David Bowie's Butox in it.
Butox!
And they are Butox as well.
They're very... They're beautiful.
I mean, he was looking good there.
It's a sexy video.
There's a sexy Asian lady, and there is David, who's sexy, and they're doing sexiness in the sea.
It's exciting.
It caused a scandal scandal.
It did.
When it came out, do you remember?
Yes.
They banned it.
The big British castle, uh, were- Quite right.
The big British castle cannot tolerate buttons.
No, they would not let the buttons within the walls of the castle.
No, they're too erotic.
With their roundness.
We must repel the Butox!
and they would not show, I think I'm right in saying that they would not show the Butox on top of the... So Channel 4 showed it or something, didn't they?
Yeah, on the tube probably.
The racy channel.
The dirty channel.
So I was talking about the fact that I had a dream about you the other night.
Joe, I didn't mean to... probably... I just thought of it as I said it because, you know, it wasn't well formed.
Do you know how some of you are bampettling?
Little bit because it's not like a real deep meaningful dream except to say that it was it was a little bit angry There's a little bit of anger there, but I had a glass of red wine before I went to bed So maybe it just came out of that, you know threw off my equilibrium a little bit but basically you and I were holidaying with a friend and It was a little bit hazy but Towards the end of the holiday we were given gifts because the person we were staying with was a sort of famous person It was just a random famous person.
I couldn't tell you who it was.
You know what I'm saying?
And, uh, but it was a sort of grand mansion that we were staying in.
And then when, on, on, on the day we left... Did I get a better gift than you?
Did you get jealous?
Yes!
Hmm.
Yes!
And, uh, guess what you got?
You got B.B.
King's guitar.
Oh, I love that guitar!
Well, you don't love that guitar.
Not only that, but you don't really, A, you don't really care about B.B.
King.
Not that I do, particularly, but I... In my dreams, I like his playing on the soundtrack for Into the Night.
Right.
You see, you probably know more about BB King than I do.
Yeah.
But in my dream, I was furious.
I think he doesn't care about BB King.
What did you get?
Uh, I think I got, like, a tunic or something like that.
Really?
I got something that was his stylophone.
I was thinking... Yeah.
I was thinking this is a much better gift for Joe.
I like playing the guitar.
I would value B.B.
King's guitar.
I would keep it in a special perspex case and only take it out on special occasions.
Joe's just gonna prop that thing up in the corner and disrespect it.
Do you know what that dream says?
What does it say?
Everything.
Here's a trail, then some Beastie Boys.
Ban that sick filth.
It's the Beastie Boys' cheese on it.
They just exploded.
It's so exciting.
And now it's time to wrap up last week's Song Wars.
That's the song wars jingle and that's the regular song wars jingle.
You'll remember that last week we got an email from a furious listener.
We love furious listeners.
Absolutely furious.
Dick Thompson.
Actually that's not quite true.
He's a very nice email indeed from Dick Thompson.
A very driven email focused.
But he was, the main thrust of his email was how nice it was to hear two such well-spoken, well-educated people as ourselves on the radio, posh people, you know, forcing back the tidal wave of filth and bad language and sloppy accents on the radio.
But he said he took issue with the grammar in the song was jingle.
He said, in the Song Wars Jingle you can be heard saying, which will you vote for?
Which one is the best?
Now I'm sure I don't need to tell you that when comparing two objects, I'm quoting from his email here, you should be using the word better.
Best can only be used for three or more objects.
I have therefore taken the liberty of rewriting the two lines affected by this as follows.
Which will you vote for?
Which one is the better?
Vote for them now by email text.
So did you rejig it for me?
Or a letter, so I've done it for you.
But dick, here's the new rejigged jingle for you, dick.
It's time for song wars.
I don't like it as much.
You sound kind of ground down.
The fire's gone out.
You sound like a schoolboy who's been ticked off.
It's true, isn't it?
But listen, we got the news coming up, so we need to do this pretty fast.
Here are some emails that came in about last week's song wars from Lily Elbrus.
She says, Joe, you leave me no choice but to vote for Adam's ringtone.
Cheats never prosper.
Peter Fletcher says, I vote for Adam because Joe is a cheater.
Bill Edwards says, I'm voting for Joe's.
I think Adam has missed the point somewhat and done a song.
Too high-minded.
Joe's is closer to the heinous spirit of that crazy frog thing from way back.
Pure torture.
I really want to vote for you Adam.
Uh, yeah, but he can't.
Because, uh, you got it wrong.
And another one Shyan Wright, I think Joe's ringtone is the best.
You know, I'm voting for Adam's song because of Joe's misguided choice, says Meg Ferguson.
This is not good, but I'm getting sympathy votes.
I'm getting like cheating votes and I don't want that.
I must have lost this.
I'm gonna open the envelope now.
If Joe has lost this, this will only be the third song wars that I've ever won.
Wow.
Well...
The scores are 79% plays 21%.
To whom?
To you!
Hooray, I've won!
Kingston has won, even though it was... However, here's an email from Mark Thompson, who says that according to BBC guidelines, entries for a competition must correctly meet the precise stipulations of the competition, therefore Adam is disqualified for writing a song, not a ringtone, and Joe wins.
You're dreaming.
You are dreaming.
I was making that.
Now, I'm going to play you my ringtone over the phone because that's the way you should really hear it.
And a reminder that you can download all these ringtones, both Joe's and myself.
Not all three of mine, I have to say.
Not all three.
I was furious about that.
Might be found out.
But where can they download them from?
The website.
The BBC website.
We'll give you details of that a bit later.
So here's my winning ringtone right now.
You got a call coming in, it's exciting Perhaps it's from an actor or a model Or maybe Russell Brand But more likely, it's from someone at work saying why Ain't you done?
All your work Just let it ring, it all goes
See, wouldn't this be great coming out of your phone?
And yes, it is a song, but it's also... Young people... Is that an actual call coming through, though?
No, that's incorporated into the... You see?
It's amazing.
You know what I think would be even better than that?
No, no, no, no.
It's time for the news, read by Harvey Cooke.
That's Interpol with Slow Hands.
A very important song.
Yes, exactly.
It's Warning of the Danger of... What is it?
Warning of the Danger of...?
Just things, generally things.
Just careful, watch out, you know, take care, sharp things, tripping, all that business, saying stupid things.
Oh, yeah.
Now, Joe, you were talking about Chris Rock yesterday.
Did you see him on Jonathan Ross yesterday?
I didn't know, but I saw him live the night that he would have recorded Jonathan's show, Thursday night.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
So what, he went on to do that after doing Jonathan's?
Yeah, either before, or after probably before.
Oh.
Yeah, I saw Chris Rock, listeners, is an American comedian.
The rocker, they call it.
Yeah, no, they don't.
Do they?
No, they don't.
And he was pretty good.
Yeah.
Even though events have overtaken him slightly.
In what way?
Well, one of his amazing bits of his breakthrough set that I remember seeing years ago was talking about how there'd never be a black vice president.
Right.
Because if there was, he'd get shot.
So he'd then become president, and the guy that shot him would be a hero.
He'd be able to go to Britain.
It was a brilliant bit of his routine.
But now that it looks like there might be a black president, he's kind of had the rug pulled out from under his feet.
So his sort of comedy targets were a little bit pat.
He did a lot of stuff on the differences between men and women.
There are a lot of them.
He did a lot of stuff on George Bush.
Women.
They do talk a lot, don't they, women?
That was one of the things they played.
They played a little clip of him talking about how much women talk and the fact that men have the right to come home from work without women talking to them so much when they get through the door.
Which, see?
It was pretty good.
He's got amazing energy and the thing about those American stand-ups is they're so amazingly slick and confident.
That's the thing.
Such a long act and it's word perfect.
Right.
It's kind of like verbal brain surgery.
Yeah, well, they do it over and over again.
It's like Seinfeld, you know, he's a real... A lot of practice, yeah.
...scientist about it, you know?
Yeah, well, there's that brilliant film about Seinfeld called Comedian.
If you haven't seen that, you should see it all about him going on the road live.
Yeah.
But the thing that happened during the Chris Rock show was I was given quite a nice seat.
I got a freebie ticket, but I was sort of sitting on my own in the middle of the stalls, you know, that road that's by the kind of walkway, by the aisle.
My favourite road.
Lots of legroom, but people are always walking past you.
There was no one sitting around me.
I thought, brilliant, this is kind of like having a box.
Then just before Chris Rock came on, a whole lot of people came in and sat beside me.
And Mark Lamar came and sat right, right, literally beside me.
Radio 2's Mark Lamar?
Yeah, very small seats.
So I was literally pressed right up against Lamar.
Oh, you're right next to Lamar?
Literally shoulder to shoulder.
The whole left side of my body touching Lamar in a slightly inappropriate, you know, manner.
Wearing a... Is he wearing a suit?
He's looking cool.
He's got to, you know... So, the gig starts and I say, hey Mark, how you doing?
He looks at me kind of baffled.
We met a couple of times before.
Long time ago, yeah.
I said, Joe Cornish.
And he goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember.
Sorry, I haven't got my glasses on.
I'm a little bit blind.
The show starts.
Chris Rock makes a joke about... One or two observations about Britain and about how strong the British currency is and Chris Rock goes, you know whoever's looking after your money, you should keep that guy in power.
Right.
He's not from where that accent comes from.
That was a bad accent.
That was pretty good, I thought.
Yeah, thank you.
It was a good Chris Wright.
The room boos.
Right.
Because, of course, people generally don't necessarily like the government at the moment, so the audience booed.
I booed as well.
Yeah.
The Marr turned to me and said, did you boo?
I went, yeah?
He said, don't do it again.
No.
Turned away.
I was confused.
I was upset.
I felt like I'd been ticked off.
Was he joking?
I don't know.
It kind of threw a bucket of water over my enjoyment of the gig.
And then I continued to be physically pressed against him.
Right.
You just went dull up.
It was really quite odd.
Ticked off by Lamar and then expected to enjoy subversive comedy.
And then there was this sort of weird laughter competition I felt, maybe it was just in my head between me and Lamar.
You know, because there's obviously a lot of observational black comedy and as a white man, you know, you're not quite how hard to laugh.
Are you white?
Yeah, I know it doesn't seem like it.
I always assumed you were black, I'm sorry.
Yeah, no.
I might.
And there's a lot of jokes about, you know, the difference between a black man and a black woman and that kind of thing.
And as a white man, you're not really sure how hard to laugh, you know?
Yeah.
How much culturally you've got invested, how much you're allowed to laugh at that kind of thing.
Right, you don't want to look like you're trying too hard.
No.
Because what would that say about your latent prejudices?
Yeah, but I think, what the hell?
I'll just chuckle along.
Right.
I find it funny, I'll just have a giggle.
That's a nice attitude.
The mob wasn't laughing.
No.
I don't think he thought it was a good gig.
I don't think he liked the fact that I was laughing.
Man, he's way ahead of Chris Rock politically, and he's thinking this is not good enough from Rock.
I felt like me and Lamar were having a sort of who appreciates black culture the best word.
Right.
You know, as expressed in the amount both of us laughed.
Yeah.
like when Chris Rock made a joke about T-Pain.
Do you know who T-Pain is?
No idea.
He's like a rapper.
I laughed quite hard because I know who T-Pain is.
Lamar didn't really laugh that much.
He knows his rapper.
He doesn't know who T-Pain is.
I know.
I think he knows his rapper.
When it comes to black music, Lamar is superb.
He's an expert.
Anyway, difficult gig there.
That's tough, man.
And did you kiss and make up on the way out?
No, I blanked him.
I blanked him?
My lordy.
Not on purpose, but there were other people to my right.
Duncan from BAFTA was there.
So I said hello to Duncan from BAFTA.
Good old Duncan from BAFTA.
I bet he didn't say goodbye to Mark.
But I'm sure Mark was just joking.
And I'm very sensitive.
You know, I'm like a little weed.
Now it's almost time to launch Text the Nation, ladies and gentlemen.
I think we'll do that after this next track.
I don't think I've heard this one.
Is this... I'm always confused.
Oh yes, his sons and daughters is the band, right?
And the track is called Darling.
That's very nice, isn't it?
Clap your hands, say yeah.
That song was called Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood, which is not so nice as a title.
A tidal wave of young blood.
That's like a kind of juvenile army being horribly slaughtered with broad swords.
That's a good song.
I don't feel personally that they did, they sort of missed the point of their own song there.
There's your thing.
Yeah, because you remember we played the song when it came out.
And it was more sort of jubilant and shouty.
Yeah, it's very shouty and it's got a great long bit where it just goes child stars, child stars, child stars, child stars, child stars, child stars.
You see it repeats that phrase over and over again.
Child stars.
Is that what it's about?
Kind of, yeah.
And he sounds insane when he's doing it, but in a very successful way.
And you don't have that section there in the hub version.
Anyway, no disrespect to the Clap Your Hands brigade or the hub or anyone involved with either of those two.
Right now, it's time to launch the nation's favorite feature.
Here's the jingle.
Text the nation, Jingle.
Okay, here it is!
Text the nation!
Text!
Text the nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation!
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter!
Text!
Uh, will you allow me just to mop up some emails that have come in from last week's Texanation?
I love mopping.
Which was ways that you mangle famous people's names, uh, in order to kind of, uh, sort of wrest some kind of power back.
Uh, here's one from Matthew Kumar.
He says, we call M. Night Shyamalan.
Uh-huh.
He's just, that's just asking to be mangled, isn't it?
Begging for it.
I call him M. Night Shyawadiwadi.
I call him M. Night Charlatan.
Do you?
Yes.
Oh, that's, that's bobbed.
I called it to him.
I call it him to his face and he fell over.
Did he?
He fell over.
He couldn't even stand up after that.
Matthew Kumar says he calls M. Oh, what is that sound?
It comes drifting over the mountains.
It causes me to lose concentration.
Oh, sorry, mate.
You asked me to bring it in this week.
Yeah, that's too exciting to do in the middle of that email.
That was the mouth-hop.
I can't focus now.
Sorry, mate.
Anyway, M Night Shyamalan calls him M Night Shyamalan-ding-dong.
Oh, that's very similar to yours.
It's good, isn't it?
Mm.
Yeah.
M Night Charlatan.
Here's another good one that made me laugh.
Rich Price says, we used to call Hugh Andrews huge android.
It's hilarious.
If you're wondering who Hugh Andrews is, he used to work for a company I used to work for.
I like that.
Anyway, there's a couple more.
Hang on.
Yes.
Sarah Jessica Parker says, Nicola Stockle calls her Sarah dressed up as a car park.
Nice.
That's good.
I like ones that are kind of over elaborate.
Helena Bonham Carter.
Helena, Helena Bottoms of Farter.
That's quite good.
And you know what?
A Scottish friend of mine calls Madonna.
What?
Monana.
Is that rude?
As in, like, she's like my nana.
You know what I mean?
That's good.
Oh, it's my nana.
I like that one.
Claire McIlrath, I hope I've pronounced that correctly, calls Avril Lavigne, Bovril Latrine.
Nice.
Yeah?
That'll teach her a lesson.
Give us a bit of jaw harp action.
Sorry, I didn't mean to get this.
That's a big inhale.
This is my Christmas present from Joe.
Play a tune.
What shall I play?
Play!
What's number one at the moment?
I wouldn't know.
I wouldn't even know what the tune was.
Just play any recognisable tune.
Okay, Killer Queen.
Why did I pick Killer Queen?
It's very difficult, isn't it?
That's good, that's good.
Keep practicing.
That's great stuff.
But now it's time for this week's Text the Nation, which is on the following subject.
And remember, the idea for Text the Nation is fairly straightforward.
We give you a subject and you text us with your kind of input on it.
The text number is 64046.
And this week's subject is things, pop-cultural things that you encountered when you were too young and they freaked you out.
They sort of traumatized you, for whatever reason.
Now, I would cite as my examples, aged, I think, 10, going to a video shop and renting a double bill of The Exorcist and Zombie Flesh Eaters.
What were your parents doing?
It was my friend, Jolyon Parsons' parents, and they were out.
Oh my goodness.
Back in those days, there were no certificates on video.
Right, so we were able to rent those two horrible stuff.
Double video nasties!
I had the most unpleasant, sleepless night of my life.
Of course you did!
Horrible!
Oh my lord, and you watched both of the films.
Yeah, double bill.
Thing number two I would cite would be going to see the National Theatre's production of
the creation it was a kind of Bible stories thing it was a promenade performance where you could walk around I was very young I was sat cross legged on the floor they wheeled a big tub of earth into the area out of the tub of earth popped a naked man and a naked lady right it was right in front of my eyes
It's in the way of my eyes!
His little jingly jangly collection with little bits of earth dropping off it.
I can still remember her, you know, bits and bobs.
Her seaweed.
The third thing I would cite is reading James Herbert's The Fog.
Oh, I remember that one.
Of course, there's no certificates on books.
James Herbert... Kids can read anything, and I discovered that very young and started buying horror novels.
And there's a bit in a gym with a gym teacher and a group of kids and a big pair of scissors that really shouldn't be read by kids of my age.
He was the big guy to read it at school because it was so grotesque.
Also, there was a lot of filth in there.
Yeah.
Like he had long passages of quite explicit filth.
What would you go for, Adam, on that subject?
Well, in a sort of banal way, my whole young life was dominated by the threat of nuclear extinction.
Right.
And so it was all just loads of documentaries about Hiroshima and stuff.
And, you know, the CND movement was stuff like When the Wind Blows and Threads.
Yeah, exactly.
All that kind of nuclear annihilation stuff was at its most
Active when I was about 10 or 11 or something and I just couldn't I just couldn't bear it I was just wandering around thinking well We're all gonna die in the worst most horrific possible way imaginable and no one's really doing anything about it You know and what's more my parents who are quite conservative
were sort of poo-pooing all of the CND stuff and pouring scorn on the Greenham Common protesters and I just didn't understand why!
I just thought they've got the right idea, what are we, we can't do anything about it, we're all gonna die, it's gonna be awesome!
Maybe you were right.
Now it's all starting again with the government going nuclear.
Yeah, man.
It's all happening again.
Well, they should show those programs again, man.
They will.
Traumatise a whole new generation.
So text us with pop cultural things that you encountered too young and freaked you out and tell us, you know, how they freaked you out and what happened, what the consequences were.
You know, whether you've turned into some sort of an axe murderer, whether you have flashbacks, text 64046 or email adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk Right now, here's a track that I've chosen for you listeners.
I'm sure this one probably gets played quite a lot on 6 Music and
Many other radio stations, but it's a peach.
It came on my iPod over Christmas when I was, you know, sat down with some friends, and it sounded amazing!
I just thought, what is this?
I can't, you know, I'd forgotten how good this one was.
It's a good one to dance to in a club, and it's an old sort of 60s psychedelic classic from The Count Five.
This is psychotic reaction.
There you go.
That's excellent stuff, isn't it?
Hot chip with ready for the floor.
Couldn't really ask for more.
Could you from a song?
Hotchips UK tour kicks off at Leicester University on the 14th of February.
Their new album Made in the Dark is also out next month.
Thank you very much, Johnny Facts.
Johnny Music Facts there in the corner of the room.
He's full of music facts.
Music facts.
Give us another music fact, Johnny Music Facts.
Queen word of band with Freddie Mercury in it.
Always a source of interesting entertainment nuggets there, Johnny Music Facts.
Now folks, I don't know about you, but I've always been worried about some of the factual inaccuracies in the Bible.
How do you feel about that, Joe?
That's territory I steer clear of.
Well, you know, because it could shake your faith if you found out that there were discrepancies in reports between various apostles and that kind of thing.
Do you know what I'm saying?
And luckily, a magazine came through my door via the Jehovah's Witnesses this week called AWAKE, which is dealing with a lot of the anxieties.
We have a lot of listeners who are Jehovah's Witnesses, so tread carefully.
Oh, absolutely.
Got a big Jehovah's Witness fan base.
I know, and they're very violent as well, so I wouldn't want to disrespect them or stir up any kind of religious war.
But this is from Awake magazine.
Adam Buxton speaking now.
November issue.
Adam Buxton speaking.
Alright, Mr. Cutlass.
It's not exactly the Muslims.
We don't have to worry about it too much.
Adam Buxton speaking.
That was a joke, okay?
That was just a little joke there for you.
When you say joke, he didn't mean joke hornish.
Adam Buxton speaking there.
No disrespect to any religious group whatsoever, especially- Adam Buxton backpedaling there.
Especially, yeah.
Anyway, especially the violent ones.
But this is from Awake.
Oh wait, Maxie, which I was gonna quote as a little light-hearted thing, but now, because of your constant, uh, you've made this into, like, a religious war, I'm frightened now to be handling Awake, all I wanted to tell you was that they're just dealing with some very simple discrepancies in the Bible here.
or perceived discrepancies.
For example, reasons to trust the Bible, they're saying.
Now, maybe you would be worried, as I said before, about the fact that there might be discrepancies, reasonable differences between various accounts of Jesus' life.
Says here, consider an example.
Did Jesus wear a purple garment on the day of his death, as Mark and John report?
or was it scarlet as Matthew says now you I know you've been very worried about I can't stop thinking about that exactly well really knows the row exactly really cuz you know you can't believe in someone if there's people saying well maybe his robe was red maybe it was scarlet if it's
By which colour was it?
I just... I'm finding it hard to believe in the Messiah.
I regard wrong-coloured robes as sacrilegious.
Exactly.
Well, don't worry about it, because it says in Awake magazine, really both can be correct.
Purple has components of red in it.
Depending on the observer's angle of view, light reflection and background, could have subdued certain hues, giving different casts to the garment.
I love subduing hues.
Yeah.
Well, Hugh needs a bit of subduing.
Yeah, he goes on.
He really does.
The harmony of the Bible writers, including their unintentional consistency, further stamps their writings as trustworthy.
Yeah?
Nice finger click.
Well, it deserves it.
So there you go.
It's cleared something up for you there.
Are you still a little bit... The colour of the robe.
Yeah, the colour of the robe.
I'm happy, I think, for just a comment about the colour of a robe, you got yourself into a lot of unnecessary hot water.
I got myself!
Well, I kind of manoeuvred you into it, cleverly.
You pushed me into the hot water.
Listen, listeners, if you're trying to text us on Text the Nation, there's been a technical problem and we've received no texts.
at all here in the studio.
We're trying to sort that out.
It's a scandal.
With the big British castle, technical department, nation's favourite feature and you can't even text.
You've got to remember that here at the big British castle, the technical department, it's basically got alchemists and big wooden cogs, various children and brads on treadmills.
What?
Wizards.
Wizards, yeah.
That's what they're called.
Are they?
So it's no wonder things break down every now and then, you know, the little trained cats that operate the mechanisms are maybe feeling a bit sickly.
So, but we'll get that going soon.
Don't forget, you can also email.
That's probably the best way to contact us with your childhood pop-cultural traumas, Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
We'll inform you the moment the texts come back online.
Now here's some more music from the Maximo Park with books from boxes.
Maximo Park with books from boxes.
What a wonderful sound they have, the park.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music and right now it's, we would like to just remind listeners that if you've been trying to text for Text the Nation, the Nation's favourite feature, there has been a problem with the texts.
Problem is now fixed, however, if you texted
Uh, sort of, before, about five minutes ago, you will have to resend if you do want us to read your text.
Oh, we do apologise.
It's not our fault.
But on behalf of the big British castle, we apologise for that technical failure.
It's, uh, it's actually Joe's fault.
Is this?
Yeah.
It's Joe Cornish's fault.
I don't know, I'm just blaming you randomly.
Yeah, it's good.
No, I'll take the blame.
It was my fault.
Yeah, it was my fault.
So keep texting 64046.
It's all working fine now with your childhood pop cultural traumas.
Now it's time to launch this week's Song Wars.
It's time for Song Wars.
The War of the Songs.
A couple
So, sorry, Dick Thompson, about the bad grammar there, but we just decided that, uh... That has more joie de vivre.
Yeah, the production's a little bit better there.
What's the opposite of joie de vivre?
Uh, it's en nuit de vivre.
Is it?
Probably not.
Thanks a lot.
That would have done me.
So I can't quite remember how we got ourselves into this mess, but last week we decided to do songs about mythical creatures, cryptozoological phenomena, like Bigfoot and Nessie.
Well, we were talking about the police, weren't we?
The band, the police, the fact that they reformed and we were reminiscing about one of our favourite police albums, Synchronicity.
which we're about to play a track from in a second.
So we decided to divvy up the mythical beasts and do a song about one each.
I love mythical beasts and monsters generally.
You know, I just like to believe that they exist.
Yeah, you're a big fan of cryptozoology, aren't you?
Well, they're the last little bit of kind of magic in the world, aren't they?
Yes, well, it's a sort of X-Files thing, isn't it?
Mmm, it's early X-Files.
The X-Files became very lost, and in the first couple of series it used to do that kind of thing, but then it abandoned it.
I think, you know, just mentioning the X-Files, Adam, to be perfectly honest, is a reductive and diminishing thing for the monsters.
Yeah.
You know, the X-Files is a tiny kind of parasite on the idea of monsters.
The monsters themselves are far more powerful.
You used to love the X-Files.
I did, yeah.
What's happened with you and the X-Files?
Have you had, like, a fight?
That's a different conversation.
The X-Files went down the toilet.
Is that a bit of an argument with the X-Files?
I have, yeah.
I have.
That went very wrong.
So which creature did you pick?
I've chosen Bigfoot.
Because I bagged the Loch Ness Monster.
And I wish I hadn't.
Really?
Oh my goodness.
In fact, Adam and I met yesterday on different business and Adam was looking very sort of sad and fused.
It was about four in the afternoon.
Four in the afternoon.
And he asked me, have you done your song yet?
I said, yes, I have.
I hadn't even started.
He hadn't even started.
Got home at 5.30.
It went badly, man.
It was really hard.
It was like, it was the most difficult one.
I'm going to lose pretty much.
You think?
Yeah.
You're setting yourself up for a win.
Yeah, you are.
My reverse psychology theories.
No, it's a disastrous one.
Shall I go first or do you want to go first?
Don't mind.
Listen man, I've got so little faith in mind that I'm gonna weed it out first and people can make it what they will.
So yours is about Nessie.
Yeah.
Is it about Nessie?
You know, I don't know.
See what you think.
What's it called?
The Loch Ness Monster Song.
I mean it's just, no.
I get that title, I understand it.
Alright then.
Let's hear it.
My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse I live in a lot called Ness I've lived in here for hundreds of years It's relatively free from stress But every now and then someone comes along and tries to take my pick
But even when they do people look and say No I think that's just a stick But I don't care what people say As long as they leave me be To swim around and eat some plants It's boring but at least I'm free Sometimes I can get in trubs if I go for a walk
People tend to see a big fish horse and then they start to talk They say can we do an interview?
Half an hour is all we need We can pay you lots of money But I'm not into greed They offered me a pot in a Hollywood film They said this is gonna be big
But it was just Ted Danson wearing a frightening wig In 2003 the BBC came and did extensive tests They came to the conclusion that I don't exist which made me quite depressed Cos my name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a Scottish lake I've lived in here for hundreds of years so I don't see how I can be fake
Just cause I don't go parading around Like a giant horsefish pond People seem to think I'm up myself And I get labelled a monster I was gonna do Big Brother Depending on who else they got But when I saw the extras Christmas special I thought well maybe not
My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a log called Ness My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a log called Ness My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a log called Ness My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a log called Ness My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a log called Ness My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a log called Ness My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a log called Ness My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a log called Ness My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a log called Ness My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a log called Ness My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a log called Ness My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in
Mike, yeah.
Yeah.
I like it.
It's sort of a builder's name.
Exactly.
I thought he was a regular guy.
Maybe someone who was a bit depressed about being labelled Nessie, you know.
Yeah.
I considered singing it in a Scottish accent and thought better of it.
I like that.
You know, that was really, um, maybe feel for Nessie.
Yeah, good.
And the situation.
And I like the mention of the extras Christmas special.
Well, I was thinking, you know, because that's made everyone think about nature.
I know, I agree.
I used to think Big Brother was great and he was really interesting until Ricky Gervais told me differently.
That was really good.
So, if you want that to win Song Wars this week, 64046, my Bigfoot songs can be a bit embarrassingly committed now.
Is it?
I went for a kind of a sort of a rock thing.
Yeah.
Kind of a funky rock thing and I think I pushed my
Vocal skills to the limits.
Oh, wow.
I can't wait.
Let's hear it.
Yeah, here it is.
Baby, let me take you down, too.
It's us, what you want, too.
Me little friend of mine goes by the name of Bigfoot.
Gonna prick your arms out and pull your head off, baby.
Honey, do not be afraid, too.
Step into this cave, too.
AHH!
Like a twin twitch pack Oh, we could try and make a plastic cast But believe me, baby, we won't last No, a human being can run fast Enough to escape the creature that's that vast Believe it, I can understand you're scared to go You wanna click here?
Samples and receptacles Don't believe the cryptozoological
Wow, that's actually Bigfoot at the end.
That's like the Mars Volta.
That's amazing.
That's so complex.
You've gone to the next level on GarageBand.
Do you think?
Yeah.
That's... wow.
Were you standing up when you sang?
I always stand up because the microphone's in the top of the computer.
Gotta stand up, boy.
I think my neighbours think I'm insane.
Yeah, I bet they do.
Because, like, when you record those things, you do it through the headphones.
Yeah.
You don't want the sound of the playback on the... Sure.
So they just think... Oh, they can hear it singing very loud.
Yowling.
That's impressive.
So that was Joe Cornish's Sasquatch song.
Is it Sasquatch or Bigfoot?
Bigfoot, yeah.
The big Bigfoot song.
Welcome to Saskatchewan.
Yeah, yeah, maybe that's what it's called.
I liked it.
So if you want to vote for that one, 64046, vote Joe.
Or if you want to vote for the song about... Oh, sorry, yeah, you've got an email, adamandjoe.6musicatpbc.co.uk.
Or if you want to vote for Adam's song about Mike, The Lake Monster.
The Loch Ness Monster.
then then vote Adam Adam and joe dot six music at pvc dot co dot uk and but right now oh yes sorry available to re-listen to on our little area on the six music website from from monday morning or from after the show kind of thing from now ish oh my lord so if you're listening again you know you can listen again what
But here's a reminder of the song that inspired all this cryptozoological song.
I love this song.
The song Smithory, one of our favourite songs from the classic album Synchronicity by the Police.
This is Synchronicity 2.
Yeah, there you go.
The Police with Synchronicity 2.
It's an absolute peach.
Yeah, great song, that.
We had an email as well, Ree Nessie, from Billy Duncan, who's an architect up in Edinburgh.
He says, I'm afraid that your assertion that the Loch Ness Monster was a water horse and that such creatures are benign was somewhat misleading.
In order that unwary listeners do not
attempt to approach such creatures, I would draw your attention to the fact that water horses, or kelpies in Scottish legend, are dangerous and can drag any unsuspecting person foolish enough to touch or ride them to their doom.
Now that was actually a myth that was put out.
Oh what?
It was a myth.
What, the myth that you're not supposed to touch them?
Of the kelpies, yeah, to keep children away from the edge of the lock.
You're talking rubbish, Adam.
Myth.
Nonsense.
You know, if you're anywhere near Edinburgh, there's a very fine, kind of interactive, Nessie visiting centre that you can go to in central Edinburgh, run by a fantastic, sort of bearded old scientist guy, or his son maybe, and they do a whole, like, 3D film all about Nessie.
It's a kind of weird, sort of home-produced 3D film.
Right.
It's quite an eccentric place, but when I was last in Edinburgh, I visited it and I loved it.
Oh, that sounds good.
Listen, here's a bit of a free player quickie just before the news.
This is Cody Chestnut from his album The Headphone Masterpiece.
This is called Up in the Treehouse.
It's time now for the news, ladies and gentlemen, read by Harvey Cooke and Lucio Doherty.
What a frightful noise.
That's the Dead Kennedys with California Uber Alice.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music right now.
Text-a-nation!
Text, text, text!
Text-a-nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text-a-nation!
But I'm using email!
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
Yes, it's Text the Nation, the nation's favourite feature as voted for by Chat Magazine.
That's actually not true.
No, that isn't true.
But it sounds good.
Sounds great.
Yeah, Chat's one of the best mags in the world.
Just to remind you, you know that in Scotland, chats is slang for a lady's breast area.
Really?
Yeah.
One bit that Chris Rock did was he did a whole thing about how idiotic those women's magazines are, and he said in his house he treats them like pornography.
If he sees a celebrity magazine is in his house, he just gets rid of them as if it's hardcore pornography quite right I agree.
Oh, I thought you meant like he stuffed them under his bed So it's
It's Text the Nation, and this week's theme is pop cultural things that freaked you out as a kid.
And I have to make it clear that we're kind of looking for adult stuff that you saw too early, rather than, you know, monsters in Doctor Who that freaked you out, or kind of juvenile stuff that freaked you out.
This is, you know, you're crossing the threshold of adult pop culture too early.
You know, you've stumbled, your parents have gone out and you've watched telly late, you've accidentally rented a video out, you've picked up a book that you possibly shouldn't have.
Here's one from Patrick Doyle.
When I was about 11, I started watching video nasties around my friend Bradley's house.
Video nasties were big news then, and Bradley, who was a bit of a rebel, had some mysterious way of obtaining them.
One day we watched a nasty called Unhinged, which involved lots of people getting chopped up.
It freaked me out so much that when I went home that night, I was forced to concoct an elaborate scheme to avoid having to go to bed in my own room.
I got a hot water bottle, took it to bed with me, and secretly emptied it all over my bed.
I went and told my parents that the hot water bottle had burst, and that I'd have to go to sleep on the spare bed in my brother's room.
It worked!
I got to sleep in my brother's room, but I think to this day I think my parents, what?
My parents think I wet my bed.
Well, that's not bad.
I mean, you know, it's worth it sometimes.
The question is, why are... It's right, of passage, isn't it?
But it's sad that children have to force each other to watch these things, because it's kind of bravado, isn't it?
You get round and you all... I want to know.
I was curious.
Of course, it's curiosity, but it's also... The video covers are so tantalizing.
It's also a bit of bravado, though.
You know, you don't want to be the first to say, actually, can we not watch this?
I'd say there's that to it.
But I'd say, you know, any inquiring mind wants to know what's being held from them in life.
You know, you're a child.
you want to know what's out there in the world.
That's true.
And at that age films are like little and books are like little boxes of education.
Even unhinged.
Yeah, for me they were.
Yeah.
I made all sorts of wrong connections by watching that kind of thing.
Well, it's very wonky education, isn't it?
Yeah, here's an email from Frenzy.
Yeah?
Hmm.
Hi Adam and Jo.
When I was six I was watching Superman 3 and was sat in the front room by myself when some guy in the movie hit a fire hydrant in his car and water started squirting into the car until the whole car was full of water like a giant aquarium and the guy was trapped inside.
Do you remember that classic scene?
Yeah, this was the most horrific thing I've ever seen.
And I was screaming.
Why didn't he smash the windows?
Why didn't he climb out?
Eventually, Superman saved him, but it's made me very wary of cars ever since.
Well, it's a ludicrous scene as well as being sort of cool.
I mean, it's a trippy image, but there's no way that a car would just hold all that water, is there?
My mum and dad explained English cars are airtight.
because no hang on rewind rewind my mum and dad explained that english cars are all right because they have special gaps around the doors so water can escape ah good old mum and dad but i wasn't convinced that's actually not from well frenzy is his aka his name's joe and he lives in amazingstoke that's a good name for it we spent a lot of time in phasingstoke that's where you're from and you're right it is amazing it is amazing
Yeah.
Bazy.
Uh, as a child, my parents always encouraged me to read books that were too old for me in what was a failed attempt to make me clever.
This is from Peter Green.
We read out too much Peter Green, but this is good anyway.
Sorry, Peter, no insult.
I remember being about 10 years old and reading the book Papillon by Henri Charrière.
The main character in the book is sent to a penal colony and while in captivity he hides his money from the prison guards by stuffing it up his bottom.
At the time I was so horrified by what I read that I got even more confused and I thought that the money was actually being hidden on the other side of the body in a place where there is even less space to hide things.
Yeah, that's confusing.
Peter, you had a confused childhood.
In the winky purse.
Yeah.
I didn't discuss what I'd read with anyone.
I just decided that I was going to have to wait until I was a lot older before I could even try and hide money about my person.
That's very mature.
Remember, 50 pence pieces were a lot bigger back then.
Well, I certainly hope he didn't try any of that.
That would be a disgrace.
There's lots more to come.
Talk about dirty money.
We'll come back to them in a second.
Let me just give you one more, one more, one more.
Yeah.
Oh, no, I'm not going to.
Okay.
Yeah, because there's a few that I've been remembering all sorts of little nuggets as well.
Keep them
coming in at 64046, the texts are now functioning, or email adamandjoe.6music at vbc.co.uk.
Hey, I should mention as well, if anyone has an idea for Song Wars, a theme, I tell you what's good is a style as well.
So you give us a theme and the type of music you'd like to hear.
For more rules, the better, really, isn't it?
Yeah, exactly.
The more strictures, the more complex a brief you need, Phil, the better.
So do email us with those as well.
That will be cool.
Now, I've got a free choice for you listeners, and this is... I was surprised, actually, that you let this one slip past, because it's very mellow indeed, and it's also quite long.
But it's just lovely, and it's not an album that I'm that familiar with.
It's by Lamb Chop.
And which album is it?
It's called Is a Woman, I think, is the album, isn't it?
And it's a lovely album.
Like, I was convinced to buy the album because the video for the song is a woman.
It's amazing.
I advise you to check it out on YouTube.
No, it's about five years old.
Lamb Chop are great.
I like Lamb Chop.
Yeah, they're really good.
And this one, again, it was one of those things that popped up on my iPod and I was just knocked out by it.
And I thought, I can't believe I never persevered with this album.
So I went back to it.
Sure enough, it's an absolute smash, the whole album.
And this is a lovely song, My Blue Wave by Lamb Chop.
I reckon that that's got to be the longest and most laid-back song ever played on a Saturday morning on a BBC station.
What do you reckon?
Maybe it was a mistake and maybe you found that torturous listeners.
But I can't believe that a lot of you did.
I love that one That was lamb chop with my blue wave.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 music the home remembered of sixes and music So what would you do in this situation?
Right?
I'd run
Would you?
Oh, sorry.
Last night I went to see a thing at the Battersea Arts Centre here in London called the Mask of the Red Death by an amazing theatre company called Punch Drunk.
What they do is they take over entire buildings, they dress them to the standard of a Hollywood movie.
Oh my lord.
In a kind of very detailed representation of whatever play they're doing.
Then you basically wander through the space.
Right.
And you encounter scenes from the play in a promenade style.
You just walk into a room and there'll be like an old washer woman.
washing a rag in this amazingly detailed room.
There's speakers everywhere playing amazingly atmospheric music.
You're wearing, you're encouraged to wear kind of period clothing and you wear eyes wide shut style masks.
Every member of the audience has a mask on.
very erotic yeah it really was i could i could you know some kind of people party could have easily happened you were hoping it was going to be like that scene in the nice wide shot i've never really been to a masked event before but every woman looks gorgeous that's true they do a little bit of uh yeah amazing i mean i can't imagine the horror when the masks are taken off but certainly with them on oh
Jodie.
Anyway, sit with me.
This thing was amazing and if Punch Drunk ever do anything near you, I encourage you to go and it's running till April if you live in Londonium.
It was incredible.
Yeah.
Every day is it?
At the back?
I think so.
I don't know.
You'd have to go on their website.
Right.
So I was wandering round and I was encouraged by a couple of friends who'd seen it before too.
They said, don't follow the crowd.
Just go off.
The second you see a door that no one's gone through, just go through it.
And you basically walk around this building, it's very, very dark, everything lit by little flickering candles.
You try every door that you come across.
You never know what's gonna be behind it.
So what would you do in this situation?
I opened a door, and there was this kind of Victorian Edwardian, I don't know, washer woman.
I don't know what period Poe wrote in.
When did he write?
I don't know what that would be.
That's sort of gothic, isn't it?
Like late 18th century or 19th century?
She's washing racks in this room full of medicine bottles, beautifully set decorated.
I open the door, I close it behind me, it's just me and her in the room.
Speakers are going, muyo, muyo, muyo, muyo.
She turns and sees me.
She just screams as if I'm Satan.
Yeah.
I didn't know what to do, so I thought they'd tell you at the beginning, don't talk at any point.
Oh really?
Yeah, you're not allowed to talk at all or make any noise unless you're a performer.
Yeah.
So I just, I just shut up.
She started touching my face and she pressed her body right up against me.
And when I say me, I mean me.
And she starts stroking my shoulders.
She's breathing so close to my face.
It's like an acting workshop I've been catapulted into.
She's looking at my hands, going, do you have the mark?
Do you have the simple mark?
We must wash you.
She takes me over, drags me over to a bowl of water, plunges my hand into the water, and she's got some kind of trickery.
My blood starts oozing from my hands.
She screams again.
She throws water at me.
make me all wet, throwing water at me.
Then she clasps me again.
It's a rollercoaster.
Then she takes my mask off, looks right into my eyes, puts her face completely close to mine, and is stroking my face, going, oh, will you deliver me?
Will you save me from this terrible skirt?
Will you save me?
I used to really like that from JoJo.
I didn't know what.
Now, the thing going through my head was, A, please, please, little man, stop being excited, little Joe.
Can't sit down.
Or she notices.
B, thing number B. Are those those numbers?
Thing number B was, do I?
I so wanted to join in.
I was so caught up in the moment.
I wanted to reply to her.
She was literally begging me.
Deliver me from the evil save time free So I was thinking do I talk or not?
So I started to talk you I did I started going first of all I tried to repress a smile It was quite amusing to try and be serious and get into the spirit of things then I started going Yes, I do deliver you Deliver you she liked it though.
We were like in a scene
She said, forgive me, forgive me.
I went, I forgive you.
And you're still on your own at this point.
Would you have done that?
Yeah.
Would you have talked back?
There's no telling.
My friend Edgar went in before me.
We met each other in a corridor.
We didn't recognize each other at first because of the masks.
We circled round each other for a good 45 seconds until Edgar plucked up the courage to go.
Joe?
I went, Edgar?
Yes, yes.
And he said, I've just been erratically assaulted by a nurse.
She's doing it to everyone.
I know.
I said, where?
He said, by the staircase.
I said, yes, but to the right or the left as you face the staircase.
He said, to the left, to the left.
So I went and I sat outside her office waiting to be a nurse.
It was like visiting a prostitute.
Yeah, and I liked it art prostitutes Yeah, so would you have spoken or would you it was very difficult to remain silent?
It was so engaging and involving I don't think I would have spoken because it's that it's like it sounds like a kind of art lap dance It kind of was right, but she didn't seem to mind that that I replied Yeah, got into the spirit and I think it made it more exciting for us both I thought it was a little more erotic.
Did you touch 20 quid into her bonnet?
I almost reciprocated the touching
she seemed really scared and i wanted to touch her just on the shoulder yeah i don't know later in the performance i had a slightly homoerotic encounter wow with a with an oldie worldy tailor it's just a sort of sexy roller coaster in there man it was amazing the one they did before was Faust and apparently that was somewhere in the east end in an even bigger building apparently that was a that was better than Mask of the Red Death how amazing that that kind of thing is allowed to happen in this day and age well i was
I would say that the performers would be within their rights to be more frightened about being assaulted.
I like to think it's exactly the same psychology as prostitution, isn't it?
In that I thought that, um, I like to think that, oh, she thought I was sexy, so she gave me a little bit more.
That's right.
You know, which is wrong.
She was just being really nice.
There you go.
All actors are basically prostitutes.
Hey, here's a free play.
Uh, this is one that you might've heard already.
Uh, it's a sort of across the board smash.
I've got no shame in playing.
It's Lupe Fiasco with Superstar.
Sorry, just playing my mouth harp through prints there.
That's a great track.
It's funny how the intros and outros of those songs are kind of the most evocative bits of the time, don't you think?
Just that weird organ noise and hearing him saying that weird stuff at the beginning.
Do they, beloved?
Yeah, that takes me back.
Let's go crazy!
There was a film, wasn't there?
That that was part of?
Purple Rain, yeah.
Of course it was.
What was I doing?
Shall we do a few more text-the-nation texts?
Shall we do some jingles?
Was that really on Purple Rain?
I thought that was pre-Purple Rain.
No.
Oh, there you go.
All my chronology's gone upside down.
Jingle jungles?
Yep.
Text-a-nation.
Text, text, text.
Text-a-nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text-a-nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
This week's Text the Nation is all about sort of adult pop culture that you stumbled on when you were too young and freaked your tiny little head out.
I was just remembering the first time I saw Altered States.
Yes.
Now that came out.
This is a Ken Russell film.
Brilliant film.
Kind of lost and slightly underrated Altered States with William Hurt.
Have you seen it recently?
I wonder how it stands up.
I'm very proud.
I've got kind of a press book on its original release.
It stands up pretty... It's weird, but the good bits are amazing.
The bit when he goes into the cave and takes the hallucinogenic drugs and devolves into a kind of primitive man, and then when he gets back to America, he can't stop going primitive.
It's pretty incredible.
And yeah, really powerful.
Such a weird idea.
It's all based around flotation tanks.
And the idea that if you could... I was basically convinced that if you went into a flotation tank, you would turn into a kind of ape man.
You would immediately devolve into a primitive form of human.
And I know, I thought the same thing, and then I saw flotation tanks thereafter, like in the world, and the idea that people would go into them voluntarily.
So horrific.
Yeah, absolutely.
I've only ever been in one once and I was still a little bit frightened for that very reason.
Yeah.
And I still don't think I would take any drug and go into a flotation tank.
No way!
I call them flotation tanks.
Because I'm flirting with Devolution.
Oh, I see.
I thought it was a little Joe back again.
No.
Now let's deal with some other texts that we've had or emails.
This is from Matt in Clark and Well in London.
Hi Adam and Jo, I mistakenly watched the David Lynch short The Grandmother.
Haven't seen that one.
On BBC Two when I was 12.
You should really see it and I think I'm right in saying that's the one about the little boy, how can I put this, who
makes love to his mattress.
Okay.
Uh, of an evening.
Yeah.
And eventually he does it so much that a lady grows out of it.
I think that's the right one.
It's incredible and really weird and powerful.
Yeah.
Uh, Matt, just, just email in again to confirm that I'm right there, but it's very traumatizing and Matt saw it when he was 12.
It was terrifying.
I had to turn it off.
I'm now a big Lynch fan, but still can't bring myself to watch it again at aged 33.
Well, I mean, he is the absolute king of nightmares anyway, David Lynch, and if you see, like, a race ahead or something, I mean, I saw that when I was pretty young, and certainly that was a portal to a whole adult world that I didn't want to go down in any way whatsoever.
Just still, to this day, gives me the chills.
Here's one from Tom in Canterbury.
I watched The Shining when I was about ten.
I remember getting quite excited by the bath scene, because I'd never seen capital letters fully nude!
end capital letters woman on the telly before then it all went horribly wrong that's not a good film uh for your first naked lady experience that's true and i think it's you the whole thing in one yes yeah yes they're young and sexy but you know eventually go all droopy and scabby a lot to take in at once yeah yeah they won't necessarily go scabby no don't worry i mean they might and you should be prepared for that eventuality
But there are good skin creams around.
If you take care of yourself and you eat lots of fruit.
Lucien Brown.
I hope I pronounced that rightly says, when I was 12 my best friend Vanessa and I fell in love with Marlon Brando.
He was so handsome in black and white and we watched every film we could get our hands on.
She's 12, remember?
Streetcar named desire, on the waterfront and the one where he pretends to be Japanese.
Then we saw Last Tango in Paris.
nice we weren't prepared for fat old brando and the butter up the bum scene yeah i still don't think we ever got over it i don't think anyone does i mean that's that's a scene that's sort of gone down as part of uh sexy legend really in cinema history and it's bitky and there are adults that haven't got over that but when you do see it it's very shocking it's no less shocking nowadays uh than it used to be that scene is quite grotesque
Here's another one.
I saw the blob too young.
This is from Sarah in Cheltenham.
Whenever I went to the loo, I thought that a red dustpan that was on the other side of the door and visible through the gap under the door was the blob.
I wonder if she's talking about the Steve McQueen one or the Kevin Dillon one.
The remake's really good.
It's not bad, is it?
It's Frank Darabont.
Oh, there you go.
I got a good pedigree.
I was terrified.
It's mine and my twin sister's, Marie's 34th birthday today.
Happy birthday, ladies.
Have a good one.
Here's a good one from someone called Akira.
A good name.
Akira Kurosawa, is it?
Yeah.
The bit in Mamondas source where the fool guy sews up a bit of ribbon into his chest out of pure love.
I saw it when I was 10.
Yuck.
Girls are rubbish.
That's a good example of a film that, you know, adults would encourage children to see, really, because it's a good film and sophisticated and nice, but yet it has something kind of, uh, horrible, but in a kind of non-horror context.
Do you know what I mean?
Well, you get a lot of that at school as well when you're, when you first start reading slightly more adult, uh, books, like, as set texts.
Like, I just read, for the first time, Our Man in Havana by Graham Green, which is an amazing, uh, enjoyable book.
and very upbeat, you know what I mean?
It's got a happy ending and everything.
Everything goes right for the guy.
It's enjoyable.
But I remember reading The Power and the Glory at school and about the Whiskey Priest and everything.
Do you remember that one?
It's all about the nature of faith and, oh, that was depressing as anything.
What's that prefab sprout lyric?
Oh yeah, Southern Feast and the Whiskey Priest.
But oh, Lord, it was so bleak, you know?
And you're just not equipped to deal with that kind of thing as a youngster.
Here's one from Finn in London.
When I was nine years old I went downstairs very early on a Sunday morning and flicked play on the video that my stepdad watched the night before.
It was the Alan Parker film Midnight Express.
I sat and watched the whole thing.
Think about it, the stabbings, the bit where the hero rips the tongue out of the prison snitch with his own mouth.
The horrific masturbation scene, the male rapes, the gay sex.
I was and am still disturbed massively.
I still can't fly without completely emptying my bag prior to the flight in case someone has stashed drugs on me.
To be honest, even writing this has made me slightly emotional.
Well, it was emotional to read about.
That's true.
Midnight Express is a brilliant example of a film that's just designed to traumatise, but in a good way.
Yeah, absolutely.
To stop you taking those crazy drugs.
Well, we'll tie up Text the Nation shortly, but first here's a bit more music for you.
This is The Maccabees with toothpaste kisses.
That's Maccabees with toothpaste kisses.
Hey, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Now, shall we tie up Text-The-Nation now or in a second?
We'll do it in a second.
Let's do it in a second.
But talking of David Lynch, there's a very good clip going round.
Have you seen that clip of him?
No, what's he done?
Graham Ninahan had it on his blog.
He's done a little thing, David Lynch, all about people who watch films on their iPhones or telephones.
And you can find this on the internet.
And he says, can you do a David Lynch impression?
Oh, I'm trying to think what he sounds like.
It's kinda like, slow and American like that, but he says in this clip, now, if you're playing the movie on a telephone, you will never, in a trillion years, experience the film.
You'll think you've experienced it, but you'll be cheated.
It's such a sadness that you think you've seen a film on your, beep, telephone.
Get real.
He gets quite aggressive.
Yeah.
and angry with people who watch movies on phones.
I've seen a clip of him on YouTube where he's furious about product placement and anyone who would collude with advertising in any way within their film.
He goes off on one about it.
He is somebody who's capable of making really profoundly terrifying and troubling films.
I thought you were going to say profoundly rubbish ones as well.
Well, sometimes they've got a sort of thread of rubbish running through them, haven't they?
Yeah.
in a funny way that contributes to the terror.
What's the one where he casts that guy that looks like the most evil, frightening man in the world?
Lost highway.
Yeah, where he telephones Bill Pullman's house and Bill Pullman's there.
Isn't that just such a weird idea that you'd go to a party and some weird man would come up to you and call your house and you would answer?
Right, yeah.
It's brilliant.
I've never made it through the whole of that film, though.
Really?
It's worth sticking with, because it's got amazing... The climax is amazing.
Yeah, he can do unsettling like no one else.
And there's that bit in the lovely lesbian lady film.
What's it called?
Mulholland Drive.
The whole bit behind the diner.
Do you remember that bit?
With the kind of tramp lurking behind there.
That's got to be one of the most terrifying.
I never made it through that one.
Did you not?
I can't make it possible.
Did you miss the lady love then?
I don't think I've ever seen The Lady Love, no.
It's worth sticking with.
Is it?
Oh my lord.
Yeah.
Yeah, make a little note.
It's way up there.
Delicious.
Didn't have to say delicious.
Why?
I haven't seen the film.
I don't know.
Does that have resonance?
Yes it does.
Star Star.
Okay, well, let's let's tie up text the nation after this next track, but right now here's uh, is this another mellow one?
We're very mellow today.
Oh, this is one of Joe's is it as your auntie Anthony Johnson.
Oh, yeah, this is great This is an old kind of reggae album from I think about 82, but it's a classic and it's been reissued I've never heard of this before Oh, Anthony John.
I thought it was Anthony and the
No, no, he's called Anthony Johnson.
There you go.
And this track's brilliant.
It's a kind of anthem to stop people shooting each other.
Very pertinent for, you know, people like us that live in South London.
So, you know, listen to this, kids.
This is a great track.
Anthony Johnson with Gunshot.
Um, you know if the dreadful, uh, what happened there?
Dunno.
You know if the dreadful, uh, gang and killing situation in London and other major cities in the country, uh, didn't end, and just became an accepted part of life,
And there was a sort of banal sitcom written about it.
That could be the theme tune.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
Maybe you should write that sitcom.
Maybe I should.
Characters would just be killed, fight each other.
There will be a sitcom like that.
There will, won't there?
It'll just be, oh, it's Dwayne here.
No, Tom, I stabbed him yesterday.
Never mind.
Got any sprouts?
The sick world.
It sounds like a good show, though.
Yeah, obviously we're not trivialising a profoundly ridiculous situation that the police and the government should do more about.
Exactly.
And I'm putting a silly voice, but I'm serious anyway, let's not go into that area.
Gun crimes.
It's not safe.
No, it's not safe.
Might get shot.
Jingle jungles.
Text-a-nation!
Text, text, text!
Text-a-nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text-a-nation!
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
It's time to wrap it up.
Wrap it!
Here's one from Jane in Cardiff that made my brain smile.
She says, I insisted on watching Apocalypse Now with my elder brother despite only being nine.
The sound of chopper blades still upsets me, deeply traumatised.
I like the idea of someone who might have like a chopper flashback but to Apocalypse Now rather than the Vietnam War itself.
It's like a meta flashback, do you know what I mean?
Yes.
They just re-released Hearts of Darkness on DVD, I noticed.
They have, yeah.
That looks good.
It's an extended cut or something?
No, it's got a documentary about the making of Youth Without Youth, this new film that's supposed to be quite good.
Yeah, 30 years later kind of thing.
Yeah, yeah, I get that.
Just to clue anybody in who's just tuned in, this Text the Nation this week is about adult pop culture that you were exposed to at too early an age and kind of freaked your head out.
Here's one from Matthew Nieland.
That's true, I got worried about leprosy too.
And they didn't really give you much of a clue
of what the what the physical consequences of leprosy were in that film it was just like oh my god don't touch and they got leprosy it was horrific and i said to my mum it's kind of like uh it yeah but as a disease isn't it so any kid can understand it the idea that touched and you're out exactly literally and i said to my mum what is leprosy what could be so bad and she said it's a disease where bits of your body fall off
had in my mind you don't want to get leprosy because just random bits will just fall off.
It's not necessarily true, is it?
No, it's not true.
It starts with itchy flaky scalp.
TGL.
That's what you need for leprosy.
That'll sort you.
Yeah, it's just not bits dropping off from the get-go.
Alice.
Texts when I was about five I got out of bed and went into the sitting room where my sister and babysitter were watching Top of the Pops Pink Floyd's the wall video was on and I walked in at the bit where the teacher puts the kids through the meat grinder Yeah, boy.
Yeah, I went hysterical I didn't sleep that night or many nights after and was haunted by the image for a long time That song still makes me feel odd
Absolutely.
You're right.
That song was a little cluster of kind of, you know, riotous, revolutionary ideas.
Maggie Thatcher was very unhappy about that song.
Everyone was very unhappy about it.
It was encouraging kids not to go to school.
It was depicting teachers as horrible puppets who minced up kids.
Oh my lord.
Do you know what is true?
That's scarf, isn't it, responsible for those images?
Yeah, that's true.
Scarf and Waters and the Floyds.
Yeah, that was a, I agree, very traumatising film.
I saw that very young as well.
Here's one from Dom in London.
At my friend's ninth birthday, his parents showed us a pirate of American werewolf.
Mmm.
Not only the bloody violence sticks in my mind, but the sex was profoundly disturbing.
26 years on, I still have nightmares about the men in pig masks.
Were they in pig masks?
One of them's in a pig mask, maybe.
Yeah, not like pig demons.
The comic nuances of the film were somewhat lost on a nine-year-old.
That's very true.
American Werewolf, when watched as a kid, doesn't come across as a comedy at all.
Well, I remember there being certain bits of stuff that I could see were supposed to be funny.
The levity makes it more terrifying.
I found it comforting.
Yeah, I found it comforting that there were some laughs to be had.
But then I couldn't believe that the end was so bleak.
Well, that's possibly the most, you know, one of the most terrifying moments to see as a kid, the moment when the Nazi demons smash in the door.
Yeah.
I mean, it does a double bluff.
Exactly.
And, you know, the kids are watching the Muppets, do you remember?
That's right.
It's such a brilliant little depiction of a cosy British kind of family scene.
Yeah, you got Frank Oz's voice on there, and then suddenly, and he thinks he's woken up, doesn't he?
And it's got a horrible throat slicing in it, really realistic.
Do you remember?
Oh, scary stuff.
Jude's looking a little bit ill, producer.
That's a good one.
Listen, thank you so much for all your texts and emails.
That's fine, man.
It's absolutely fine.
Uh, Joe, I really appreciate it, you know, you worked so hard, and the way you pretend to be all those different people is amazing, you can kind of compose in different voices.
Uh, you're a marvel, and can I say that you're very attractive as well, and I wish you would get involved in some kind of interactive play at the Bassey Arts Centre, because, uh, I would love to be part of that.
Quick correction?
What?
We've got the bit in Lost Highway wrong, the scary man meets Bill Pullman at a party and asks Bill to phone his own house, then the scary man is on the other end of the phone at Bill's house, not Bill.
I think my idea
Extreme, like they either get very mellow.
Just their hearing goes.
Or very angry.
Yeah, and they get ill and their legs hurt.
They just get angry.
That's right, they get low energy legs.
Anyway, I think we should remind folks now of song wars.
Who will win the song wars today?
Perhaps it will be bad or it could be true.
You will be the one who decides by texting or emailing when you hear
Now, if I was Darren Brown, I would congratulate you on some subtle psychological setting up going on in that jingle.
Perhaps it will be Adam, or it could be Joe.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah, well done.
Perhaps it will be Adam, or it could be Joe.
You know, a definite affirmative on the first, and then, you know, a sort of a question mark on the second.
Yeah.
Well, that was unintentional.
Yeah, I'm glad Darren Brown doesn't do our jingles.
Yeah.
He wanted to.
Did he?
But I was too busy.
Are you still buddies with Darren Brown?
Uh, I wouldn't say we hang out a huge amount.
Right.
But if we passed one another in the street, we'd have a good chit-chat.
Kill old Chin Wang.
He invites me to his things.
He's got a new tour.
He hasn't invited me to that.
Has he not?
He's magic.
He is magic, he's the king.
You're magic, mate.
Oh, you're magic.
Now, um, Song Wars this week was about, uh, cryptozoology or logical creatures.
That's well said.
I went wrong in the middle.
It's Bigfoot versus Nessie, and not only that, it's kind of a, um, a stylistic battle between, uh, an executed quite hastily song by Adam.
Nevertheless,
A very, very amusing song.
And then a more sort of musically committed, slightly earnest... My take on Bigfoot is that he's very, very, very violent.
Yeah.
Because in pop culture he's often depicted as a kind of comedy foil.
Harry and the Hendersons, the Apple dumpling Sasquatch gang.
Right.
Stuff like that.
Uh, you ever heard of that?
No, no one's heard of that.
Hasn't been released yet.
No, hasn't been made either.
Um, uh, so my take on Bigfoot is that he is vicious.
Yeah.
And he will kill you.
So you've gone for almost like a rock funk thing.
It reminds me a little bit of Fishbone.
I mentioned the Mars Volta before.
I was trying to go for a sort of Jimmy Page kind of, you know, zap kind of thing at all.
Yeah.
Well, let's have a, let's have a listen once again and remind ourselves.
This is Joe's Bigfoot song.
Baby, let me take you down to Sasquatchu one, two.
Me little friend of mine goes by the name of Big Foot.
You can prick your arms out and pull your head off, baby.
Honey, do not be afraid to step into this cave, too.
He's big and hairy and smelly You might have seen him in a documentary on the telly They captured him on Super 8 But they can't catch him, he's a Super 8 They're missing it with the dreadful stink he's ten feet
Don't resist just take my hand watch for his tracks He'll heat us up like a twin twix pack
We'll try and make a plastic house But believe me baby, we won't last, no Human being can run fast and not escape The creature that's that vast, believe it I can understand you're scared to go You wanna click here?
Samples and receptacles Don't believe the cryptos who are logical
Believe me, baby, the world ain't always so logical.
Bigfoot, Bigfoot, some call himself.
Watch, there's also Gage, he'll make spaghetti.
All of your inner sides, nobody can hide.
Because he exists, you know his name is Bigfoot.
Do you get that thing?
Musicians, not that I'm a musician, but musicians might sympathise with this when you play a friend something you've written.
What do you physically do?
We had a friend we went to school with who used to play us a lot of his own compositions and when he played them he would literally stare at us with his tongue out.
Yeah, because they're so convinced you're going to dig it, they want to watch the joy on your face.
They want to watch your precise reaction.
Whereas during that I basically sort of went into a little fetal ball
Yeah, it's difficult.
You should never look at people while you're playing something.
But you should leave the room or just give it to them on a CD and go.
But at the same time, it's tough to leave the room because it is fun.
You do, you know, especially if you're pleased with it, you do want to see.
Yeah, but then you don't want to see an arrogant.
No.
You don't wanna like me, oh yeah, I'm great, that song's really great.
But it's certainly very uncomfortable if you're the person who's having the song played to you, if the composer is staring at you going, yeah, yeah, yeah, stick it, yeah, you like it?
Check this bit out, right?
You see what I'm doing?
Anyway, so I'm gonna do that to you now while I play my Loch Ness Monster song, this is Adam's... Stare at me during it.
Loch Ness Monster, I can't, I would not be able to.
Here we go.
My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse I live in a lot called Ness I've lived in here for hundreds of years It's relatively free from stress But every now and then someone comes along and tries to take my pick
But even when they do people look and say No I think that's just a stick But I don't care what people say As long as they leave me be Just swim around and eat some plants It's boring but at least I'm free Sometimes I can get in trubs if I go for a walk
People tend to see a big fish horse and then they start to talk They say can we do an interview?
Half an hour is all we need We can pay you lots of money But I'm not into greed They offered me a part in a Hollywood film They said this is gonna be big
But it was just Ted Danson wearing a frightening wig.
In 2003, the BBC came and did extensive tests.
They came to the conclusion that I don't exist, which made me quite depressed.
Cos my name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse.
I live in a Scottish lake.
I've lived in here for hundreds of years, so I don't see how I can be fake.
Just cause I don't go parading around like a giant horsefish pond People seem to think I'm up myself and I get labelled a monster I was gonna do Big Brother depending on who else they got But when I saw the extras Christmas special I thought well maybe not
My name's Mike, I'm a big fish horse, I live in a log called Ness.
There you go, that's a lot.
I spoke for you.
Joe actually left the room while I was at me.
To get some water.
Because he couldn't look me in the eye.
I can't handle it, I'm being defeated by it.
I was jumping up and I was grooving around.
Now listen, I said before that it was a last minute thing, but man, I slaved over it.
I'm telling you.
Did you?
Yeah.
I mean, as soon as I got back, I got back home at 5.30.
When did you finish?
And I thought, I was thinking to myself, I'm gonna toss this one off.
Yeah, but what about the song?
Nice.
And I was thinking, I'll be finished by 7.30 at the latest.
I can order myself a nice Indian takeaway and watch Munich.
Racist.
We were talking about Munich the other day and I said, I am going to watch Munich.
But then I wasn't finished until 11.30.
Yeah.
By which time I was knackered, I had to go straight to bed, I hadn't had any supps, and I was thinking, I don't know what I've just done.
Because I went down a few different avenues as well before I started.
Did you?
You had some rejects.
You know, one week we should do a... because I've got a couple of rejects.
Have you?
Yeah.
One day we should have like a... Just little clips.
That's a good idea.
We won't broadcast it, but just, you know, just play it to each other.
Because I really admire your commitment, your vocal commitment in your one, while we're slapping each other on the back.
Look at my nipples.
I didn't want to mention them to it, I didn't want to embarrass you, but I certainly do, they're very perky today.
So anyway folks, you are invited to vote for which song you liked best, please email Adam and Joe, that's A-N-D, not an ampersand, Adam and Joe, no, AdamandJoe.6music at bbc.co.uk.
Yeah, and you can just send us Adam or Joe, depending on which one you like.
And a reminder, of course, that Adam's, my one, was about the Loch Ness Monster.
Joe's song was about Bigfoot.
Somebody's texted in to say, Bigfoot is disqualified.
The snare is way out.
Well, Mr. Anonymous Person, the snare and the drum both came off of a garage band.
It's not way out.
It was... I even made a note here.
I think your ears are way out.
Exactly.
I even made a note that it was... It's a tiny bit syncopated.
It was rhythmically very complex.
Yeah, thank you very much.
And I was, you know, I was admiring that.
Plus the fact that you got the word cryptozoological in the lyrics there.
That was good too.
Yeah, I rhymed it with logical.
Yeah, nice.
Thanks.
Well, that's almost the end of our show, folks, but not quite yet.
But right now, it's time for an exciting trail, is it?
I love trails.
Here's one.
Six music.
Hello, caller.
Your call is being recorded for training purposes.
For quality control.
Hey, can I say something quickly?
I just tell people what that was.
That was the kills with you are a fever.
Go ahead.
Podcast muse, in the next couple of weeks,
Keep an eye on iTunes because in the next couple of weeks, probably not next week, probably the week after or thereabouts, we can't guarantee anything.
Our producer works very hard indeed and she's brilliant and she needs a bit of time to do a good job on the old chap.
and put the podcast in.
I love your double entendres.
Anyway, so we should have them.
Basically, the thrust is we should have a podcast up on iTunes each week within the next couple of weeks.
If you're interested.
Yeah.
And we still are working on the notion that we would do an additional podcast, which would be us, which would be all sort of unbroadcast stuff.
You know what I mean?
Slightly kind of more near the knuckle.
Can you get more near the knuckle than this show?
Yes, yes, you can quite easily and that's what we would be doing now It's almost the end of the show, but I just like to give you a few little I just like to explode some scientific myths for you Joe Cornish before we go because I you know, I I love explosions and Particularly if they're involved with scientific myths, but a couple of these I hadn't heard before and I was glad to see them exploded Myth one shaving makes your hair grow back faster
exploded there's no truth to this warning it's true apparently the hairs are thicker at the base therefore giving it the illusion of a more fecund growth right they taper at the end you see exactly this the 14 times do this the whole time do they yeah this is in fact is that the week you're reading from yeah probably culled from the 14 times maybe
Well, this is apparently called from the BMA, the British Medical Journal.
Okay.
Two American scientists scoured medical literature for evidence to back up a number of widely held medical beliefs.
Give us more, can I have more?
This is just the conclusions of two American scientists, it should be said, but still, it's nice to have some of these exploded.
I always worried about the shaving, making your hair grow back faster, because I am an hairy man, and when I was younger, I did not like being her suit at all, and I particularly hated- I don't like it.
now I hated the hair on my upper arms right like I've got hair on my shoulders not so much on the forearms and I just thought that's grotesque you've got hair on your tongue I've got hair on my tongue I've got hair on my eyeballs it's everywhere yeah hairy eyeballs whereas I am like you like a little boy a naked lady that's not true I do have man hair yeah just enough to keep a woman happy
Plus, you've got a selection of... You've got a selection of... Because I've gone red.
I'm getting hot.
I'm for the collar.
And the belt.
Very sexy show.
Strong dude.
Very sexy.
She can't take the man heat in.
Joe's also got a collection of beautiful merkins that were made for him at great expense.
So that's myth number one exploded.
Don't worry about shaving your hair because it's not going to make it any worse if you're worried about it.
Reading in poor light ruins your eyes.
Kaboom!
And that is one that your parents always told you.
Apparently, according to the experts, it's not the case.
It says that, yes, you might strain your eyes if the light is very low, but it won't do any permanent damage, no.
So don't worry about that one.
Here's another one.
Nails keep on growing after you're dead.
Kapow!
Not true.
Does it say about hair?
It doesn't say about hair, but it says that the myth came about because of the fact that dehydrating skin can retract around the cuticles.
It gives the appearance of increased nail length.
Also, it may have come from the novel All Quiet on the Western Front, Eric Maria Remarqui's first World War novel, and where the narrator notes that his dead friend's nails are growing in corkscrews.
What a load of twaddle.
I never thought that novel was any good, and now I know.
Yeah, exactly.
Oh, and here's one more, the last one, which I'm comforted by, because I always hated this one.
We only use 10% of our brains.
Well, that's true for you.
That is true for me, isn't it?
Damn.
No, but apparently for everyone else it's not true.
Pretty much all your brain is being used all the time, so you really can't do without any part of it.
So all that stuff about there being vast areas of the brain that are locked away unused and we've got all these secret capabilities.
No, this is as good as we're gonna get as a race, so make the most of it.
Is that it?
You tell us.
Do you have anything else to add?
No, just music.
Well, folks, that's it for this show this week.
And I'm going to leave you with a choice of mind.
Hang on, wait, Adam, what are you saying to you?
That we've got one more record, then we're going to come back?
No, it's fine.
We'll have to play Talk Talk and Loose Down next week.
OK, listen, thanks to everybody who texted and emailed this week.
Keep the emails coming in during the week.
If you're listening again, please vote for Song Wars.
It's going to be very close.
We'll see you next week.
Bye bye.