Yeah.
Funky, funky, funky, yeah.
Imagine jazz and hip hop combined.
That's dangerous.
That's the future of music you're hearing right there.
We used to do that in school science lessons.
Combined jazz and hip hop.
You should never do that without the proper supervision though.
We were being supervised by Count Basie and Chuck D. And was Herbie Hancock involved at all?
No, he was in, he took the fusion lessons.
Right, right.
Yeah, he taught fusion.
But you should be careful, because you might get like a really boring explosion if you... Well, you know what?
That record we just heard?
What?
That was it.
That was an experiment from the early, mid-80s.
No, it's obviously very good, but early 90s.
That kind of thing is sounding pretty dated now, isn't it?
I went, I rushed out and bought that album, man.
That was Us 3, by the way, folks, with Cantaloupe.
Um, and I think based on a sample from, or just mainly the whole record of Cantaloupe Island by Herbie Hancock.
Right.
And it was, uh, a sort of revolution in, in music because, yeah, because they were being allowed to plunder the vaults of, uh, Verve Records or some big jazz label anyway.
And put rubbish computer beats on it.
No, no.
One of those.
Yeah.
The idea that Cantaloupe Island isn't funky enough already without putting a kind of processed beat on it, frankly, to me is risible.
Risible?
And there you are laughing at it.
Yeah, down my nose like Lord Snooty on a fun day out.
Hello, this is Adam and Joe on BBC six music.
We've been away for a week the lovely Yeah, lovely Alan car.
Yes.
He is lovely.
We've just had it officially confirmed.
He's lovely Alan car filled in last week.
Thanks a lot Alan Thank you very much.
Indeed.
I consider it an honor to be yeah
filled in by Alan Carr, as he himself would probably say in his cheeky, uh, camp way.
Yeah.
So, thanks Alan.
Um, but we're back and very, very happy to be here, ladies and gentlemen, on this rather grey morning, Saturday morning, here in London, anywhere.
I hope it's sunny where you are, and if it isn't, let us bring some sunshine into your lives, with great music, great chat, and great buttocks.
So, right now, here's some of those great buttocks provided by British Sea Power, with no Lucifer.
There we go, that's British Sea Power with No Lucifer.
They're great.
We love British Sea Power.
I do, anyway.
Have you run out and got their album yet?
I did buy their album, yeah.
I like it a lot.
Excellent.
I think they deserve to be really huge.
Yeah, well, they're pretty big, aren't they?
They're getting bigger and bigger.
Just weight-wise, I mean.
Right.
They should eat more.
They should be like that wrestler Big Daddy.
Was that his name?
Yes.
Yeah.
They should be like that, because no one's doing that in the indie scene at the moment.
No?
No really, really grotesquely fat men.
There used to be a little bit of a trend for it.
Do you remember Tiny from Ultrasound?
Right.
He was a big fat man.
I think they should bring it back.
Yeah.
But he was... you always felt with him.
I can't remember a single bit of music by Ultrasound.
Anyone?
No.
I mean, you know, maybe we'll dig some out and play it.
No disrespect to you, Tiny.
But, you know, you expected him to be bigger in the talent department.
Yeah.
Actually, he was bigger in the booty department.
This is Adam and Jo, this is BBC Six Music.
The reason why we were away last week is, Adam, you had some filming to do, didn't you?
Yeah, well, it was, for me, it was half term as well.
Really?
There you go.
So I had to go and see the water horse.
Oh.
It was important.
Was that good?
No.
Oh, it looked good.
That's a shame.
Was your song in it?
The Big Fish Horse song?
No, it would have been improved by the Big Fish Horse song.
Why not?
Having said that, my children enjoyed it very much.
Did they?
Yeah.
But children, what do they know?
Exactly.
What experience have they had?
What frame of reference do they have?
They are literally morons.
Nothing.
You could have just thrown wet sponges at their faces.
They would have loved it.
It would have been cheaper.
It would have been more exciting.
Would it?
Yeah.
I like the sound of that film, but the thing I was getting round to was I've been to Los Angeles.
What's it like to America?
It's amazing, there's stars everywhere.
I got to the airport, George Clooney gave me a piggyback to my hotel where I found Julia Roberts.
scrubbing the toilet.
Yeah.
And so I kicked her.
Did you?
Well done.
Yeah, I just kicked her over.
Just because she was doing a rubbish job.
Get out!
What are you doing, Roberts?
Yeah.
And then room service, who brought you your food?
My food was brought to me by Jeff Goldblum.
He's brilliant.
He's very good.
And he must have gone out there especially because he's in the West End.
The West End in swimming with sharks.
Speed the plow.
Speed the...
Sharks.
Yeah.
So that, yeah, he did pop out.
That's impressive.
Anyway, I've got lots of anecdotes.
Oh, I love anecdotes.
But on the plane, on the way back, I sat in premium economy on Branson Atlantic.
And when you're in premium economy, you have to wait for the upper class people to leave the plane.
Yeah, that's true.
And I was sitting at the very front in the bulkhead seat.
So I was literally standing there and physically held back.
while all the first-class people pray in front of me.
Thrust right up against the first class.
Story of your life, innit?
Yeah.
I have been in first class, I have, you know, just this particular trip.
Didn't want to.
Anyway, McKenna.
Paul McKenna.
He was the most famous person on the plane, McKenna.
So I followed him out.
He was tackily dressed in nasty jeans and these new trainers that everyone's wearing that have got holes for laces but don't have any laces.
Have you seen those?
No.
They're all the rage.
They just look like a pair of trainers with no laces.
It's very odd.
He got into a Bentley.
The number plate was PM1.
Really?
Yeah.
He's the Prime Minister.
Maybe it was the Prime Minister's Bentley.
from a straight here.
And he looked confused.
I just think McKenna, he's like Ben Kenobi.
He walks around putting everybody into a trance.
Yeah.
Getting his bidding done.
That's brilliant, like Noel Edmonds.
Doesn't have to pay for anything.
Is that what Edmonds does?
That's what Edmonds does.
He just sort of says, I want a Jaguar.
And they give him one.
Ah, that's cosmic ordering.
Yeah.
Same sort of thing.
Anyway, I was excited about walking behind McKenna, being so close to McKenna.
How did he smell?
Uh, like fags.
Did he really?
No, he's of course helped millions of people give up smoking.
Why would he, why would he smell of ciggies?
Why would he smoke himself?
Because that would be the ultimate irony, wouldn't it?
That would be.
Especially if he popped into the lavies on the plane.
On the one hand, he's a hero because he's helped millions of people, but on the other hand, he's a, um, a fraudulent huckster.
Anyway.
But there's just two hands.
Let's be even handed.
It's not the opinion of the BBC, of course.
It's the opinion of the JMC.
JMC.
Now here's a track that I've... We're gonna have more exciting LA-based anecdotes for you later on, right?
Yeah.
If you want.
Yeah, I'd love some, please.
Now here's a track that I've chosen for you, listeners.
This is the first of a few tracks I've chosen for you throughout the show, Joe.
And this is for you, too.
Really?
Of songs that feature amazing bass playing.
It's not what I want.
Why not?
What did you want?
No, that is what I want.
Okay, good.
Uh, so yeah, this is, this is, uh, a really, it's a great song in its own right.
It's from Scott Four, a Scott Walker album.
I was reminded how great this song was when I saw a documentary called 30th Century Man that was on BBC Four the other day, all about, uh,
Scott Walker and David Bowie was being interviewed about Scott and he was going on about how Super Latitude Scott was and how he'd revolutionized the entire music industry.
This is theatricality.
This is theatricality, of course.
And he said at one stage that they sort of played, they did that thing where they just played the music to them and filmed their reactions.
If only we'd just play the music.
Right, well we're going to play the music quite a bit.
I'm just giving a little bit of context.
I just couldn't resist it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, so, uh, he, he was listening to this track and he was chucking away at some of the lyrics.
Like, dragons of disgust is one of the lyrics that Bowie chortled at.
It's absurd.
How could Bowie chortle at that?
I know.
That's a sensible lyric compared to the kind of random guff Bowie comes up with.
It was a bit of pot calling the kettle blackism from Bowie there.
But he was very impressed by the bass as, as was I. Check this out.
Scott Walker with the old man's back again.
That I'm made
That's how all records should finish.
That's Scott Walker, the old man's back again from Scott IV.
It says on the album, dedicated to the neo-Stalinist regime.
Whatever that means, I don't know exactly what that means.
And I don't know who plays the bass on that track, and I really tried to find out if there's a muse spurt out there who can tell me, I'd appreciate it.
Maybe it's Scott Walker himself, because at one point I know he was a bass session player for Jack Nietzsche, so maybe that was him playing on that track.
Uh, anyway, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Would you like a trail, Joe?
Yes, please.
Here you go, here's one.
BBC Six Music.
Mmm, mmm.
That's the Stone Roses there with Sally Cinnamon.
Of course, uh, I suppose that dates from around about 1989, does it?
Or 88 even?
We used to have facts on our playlists here in Six Music.
Underneath the title of every track there used to be facts.
Some of them have crept back, a couple of them.
The thing is that, you know, we very seldom read out the facts and so it might have been disrespectful to some of the people that were providing the facts and then they just thought they're not going to get any more facts.
That's it.
You know, they can fact off.
They're out of the fact business.
Yeah, exactly.
Yes.
So yeah, what were you doing when Sally Cinnamon came out in 1989?
Oh, what was I doing?
I really don't know.
I've absolutely no idea.
You were at college, weren't you?
Oh, I see, in that year.
Yeah, yeah.
I was at film school.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
Exciting.
And what were you doing that day?
Uh, probably smoking pot.
Probably not, of course.
Why would you?
You'd go to jail immediately if you did that.
Have you seen Lily Allen and Friends yet?
Yeah, I did.
Oh yeah, when did you see it?
On its first night.
Right, who was that?
I didn't see that one.
That was the one where... Cuba Gooding Jr.
and David Mitchell from Mitchell and Webb.
It is of course a production of the big British castle's youth arm.
Um, which is in the basement of the Big British Castle.
BBC 3.
Yeah, the den.
Lots of, uh, you know, bean bags.
You have to take a kind of glittery lift to get down there.
You do, you do.
And so because it's a product of the Big British Castle, I'd like to say how good I thought it was.
Yeah, what was your favourite bit?
My favourite bit was the, uh, online videos of animals having sex.
That's why- I thought that was brilliant.
Yeah, cos why did you like it so much?
Cos it's just the sort of thing kids love.
It's funny, isn't it?
And it's funny, it made me feel fresh and clean.
Yeah.
And I loved it.
I loved the way the show was edited.
Right.
Lily Allen and Friends, yeah.
Really, it really had a really live feel.
And not like some of those shows that feel like...
They desperately stitched together to try and make something out of a bit of a disaster.
But it wasn't like that at all, it was great.
And then did you really enjoy her presentational style as well?
It was so, what's refreshing about it is it's like she doesn't care and can't sort of do it.
Exactly.
And that's refreshing, I'll tell you.
I know, the way she pretends that... Like kids, like kids don't care, kids don't care about anything, kids don't care about
anything except stabbing except killing and animals having sex and that show bang bullseye exactly delivered popped it right in the less box fell into the lap of the kids and a thumbs up and uh they were being very uh nice
Yeah, but obviously we're not very nice, but it may well you know first shows are always very tricky I remember seeing the first episode of Ant and Dex Saturday night sponge bath or whatever it's called fake away Yeah, that was a disaster and now it's one of the most ruthlessly efficient shows on television.
It's an entertainment roller coaster.
Yeah
So, you know, you shouldn't judge any series by its first show.
Some of you might have seen the second episode of Lily Allen.
I saw that one.
Carries on in the same sort of vein.
Good stuff.
Although Martin Freeman was very good, I thought, very impressive.
I was impressed by the way that he looked like a tramp man.
He just wandered in off the street from a heavy boozing session.
I thought, yeah, good on you.
We need more non-pampered people on television.
It did have a bit of the atmosphere of the word though, didn't it?
A slight element of car crash that could make it a must watch.
Yeah, I suppose that's true.
I suppose that is true.
I was trying to think of other jobs that, seeing as the BBC have decided that Lily Allen is a good person to pin their hopes on and make like a kind of poster girl, literally.
Poor Lily Allen.
I know poor Lily Allen, but I'm just wondering what other jobs maybe the BBC might like to give her as well that she would be equally well suited for.
I was thinking Foreign Secretary.
Foreign Secretary?
Do the BBC have a Foreign Secretary?
They're in charge of the Foreign Secretary and they can have him replaced at any point with Lily Allen.
Really?
Brain surgeon, I was thinking.
I think she should head the technical department.
Right.
And be in charge of keeping all the machinery in order.
you know wiring things dealing with technical snafus she can't do it but kids don't care about that no exactly anything she could bluff through it with her cheeky charm yeah uh here's some more music for you now listeners this is we are scientists with after hours yes there we go that was we are scientists with after hours the first single off
Brain Thrust Mastery, which is out on the 3rd of March.
They're touring the UK in March and April, starting in Glasgow, March the 3rd, ending in London at the Shepherd's Bush Empire on April the 25th.
I just know that.
Good facts.
Thanks a lot, man.
Would you like some news?
Yes, please.
Here is the news.
Graham Cox on.
Alan Carr must have found this show a breeze.
In fact, if you're a comedian and you can, you know, become successful with that kind of carry-on style humor, I'm not saying it's easy, but it must be really easy.
Yeah, come on.
Well, I mean, we spend most of our times in the lavatory, don't we, anyway?
Yeah, that's true, that's true.
So we have a little bit from there.
Yeah, who might say that.
Exactly, you can't deny a car is a little bum fun.
What does it awful thing to say?
That was Graham Cockson with Freakin' Out, this is Adam and Jo on BBC 6 Music.
You know what, Adam?
Yeah.
I think we should bring back Song Wars.
Do you?
Yeah.
I think me and many of the listeners think that Song Wars should come back.
I think the show is a little bit empty without it.
So I think maybe we should do it every other week or something.
I think maybe we should do it next week.
Yeah?
What do you think about that?
Come on, man.
You can pick the theme.
I'll do a rubbish one, I promise.
I'll really do a rubbish one.
See, that's getting off on the wrong foot immediately.
Immediately getting off on the wrong foot.
Why?
Because it's saying that you sort of need help.
Exactly.
It's implying that I'm a kind of special needs, song wars, loser man.
Many people thought that you were unjustly robbed, that your songs were generally better than mine.
I tell you my main beef, I was thinking about this the other day, I mean, think about it non-stop.
I bet you were.
I've been thinking about it non-stop for three weeks.
But I was thinking that it was a couple of times when I thought my song was quite a lot better than yours.
That can be difficult, can't it?
When I didn't win, I didn't lose by a long wave, but I did lose and it was 50-50.
But there were other times when my song was a little bit worse than yours.
And it was a landslide to you, you know what I mean?
Like, I only got 3% of the vote for the, what was it, the Nessie one, the Loch Ness Monster, and that was pretty, that was all right.
And I got insults, someone saying, oh, it was so full of ennui, and all the adverse criticism I got for those songs are etched into my brain.
So the idea of going back to that place is not attractive.
I think the listeners demand it, though.
Did you have a... Well, you see, the thing is, from the listener's point of view, you're just like a sort of a puppet.
Your feelings aren't real.
They're for their entertainment.
So, come on.
It's not the feeling so much as the amount of time that I have to invest as well, because you're able to toss these things off a little bit more easily.
It's not true.
I work very hard.
But anyway, I think we should bring it back.
What kind of theme did you have in mind?
Did you have a... I don't know.
I think we should invite listeners maybe to suggest a theme via the email adamandjo.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk or the text 64046 suggest a theme for next week.
And I tell you what, you can choose it.
What, me?
I choose the theme from the ones people send.
Yeah, yeah.
Alright, alright.
And Song Wars will be back next week.
You know, people might be listening for the first time and they may not know what we're going on about.
Song Wars is a feature that we used to do where Joe and I wrote a song each week on a given theme and then we kind of played out our songs and listeners voted for which ones they liked best.
It was as close as we could get to a competition here at the Big British Castle.
After all the unpleasantness last year with socks and the competitions,
and all the crying that happened because of the competitive spirit that went wrong in the castle and indeed other places in the media world.
But, um, competitions are coming back soon, aren't they?
One day they will.
Yeah.
Anyway, in the meantime, yeah, I'm up for it, I suppose.
So there we go.
Song Wars back next week.
That was good, wasn't it?
Yeah, great.
Hooray!
Here's a record.
This is Band of Horses, yeah, with no one's gonna love you.
Enjoy.
Man, that's a talented band of horses.
I mean, that's amazing.
How can they pick up the instruments, Ethan?
Just in their hooves.
Yeah, but the hooves.
They're not easy to articulate.
They're not.
You know, you haven't got the opposable thumb there.
It's amazing.
That's a triumph in itself.
You know that they got it together to record the song and that it sounds so good.
It's just amazing.
You must be very pleased.
That's Band of Horses with No One's Gonna Love You.
Uh, Joe, you were in America recently.
That's right.
Have you heard of America?
I have.
It's a far, it's far away.
You can go there by boat.
Yeah.
It takes about four or five years to get there.
It's mostly populated by cowboys and Indians.
That's right.
Yeah, having a big war.
They're shooting at each other on horses.
Um, and you know, here at the big British castle, um, you can be catapulted over there using the catapult.
Um, but obviously that takes a lot of, um,
You know, men and energy.
Generally, it's just Jonathan Ross who's allowed to use the catapults.
Exactly.
So Jonathan Ross's catapults over there.
He hogs the catapults for holidays.
Anyway, I clang onto one of his shoes.
You clang.
Clang did.
Onto one of the shoes and went over there.
It was wizard.
Yeah.
Yeah, all the Americans were there.
All in a big group.
Although they sound like.
Living in houses.
Wait, they sound as if they got rubber bands in their mouths.
Boing, boing, boing.
Yeah, they're very loud, fat, brash.
When they sit on chairs, the chairs just splinter into drinks.
When they open doors, the doors fly off their hinges.
They shout at each other constantly.
They treat the whole of life as if it's a game of sports.
And they're always... Even the unhealthy nerds treat nerd things like sports.
Like sports, right.
That's true, actually, you know.
Nerds in America are very forthright and vocal and, you know, aggressive with a small A, you know what I mean?
Well, that's a shame because nerds used to be in a good way.
Right.
In Britain, if you're a nerd, you're usually a bit nervous and retiring.
Haven't they got any nervous nerds left in America?
No, I don't think so.
They've just taken over.
Yeah, it's like sports.
They treat films and things like sports, you know.
Anyway, obviously, these are all crass generalisations and not true at all.
But I had a couple of meetings over there, right?
Exciting meetings.
One of them was in a hotel called the Peninsula Hotel.
I thought it was going to be Hotel Babylon.
That would have been amazing.
Is it Todd Carty?
Is it Max Beasley?
Is it Todd Carty?
What's his name?
It's Big Ears from Bugsy Malone.
What's his name?
It's the guy from Press Gang.
Todd Carty.
What's he called?
Someone will tell you I'm talking.
Anyway, I went for this meeting in this hotel and it was slightly magical because it was full of, there you go, it was full of stars and stuff.
It was full, oh my god, it's full of stars.
It's full of stars.
And I was standing at, it was quite a posh hotel, I was standing next to the MatriD to figure out where the people I was joining were.
Is that the correct sentence, grammatically?
Where the people I was joining were.
And who should I see a couple of tables across?
But M. Night Shyamalan.
Shyamalan.
He looked at me.
Did he?
With a sparkle in his eyes, yes.
He stared at me.
As if he could see the magic inside me.
Because you know he's got magical eyes.
He can see all sorts of things that normal people can't.
He's in touch with energies and forces.
that you can't even imagine.
Right.
And he was looking at me as if I was special.
Did he nod and smile?
He didn't.
He was talking to somebody else, but he was talking to them and staring at me.
I stared back at him.
Mmm.
So listen, seriously, do you think it was a kind of absent-minded stare like he was slightly staring through you?
There's a small possibility he was looking past me.
Right.
As someone else.
Yeah.
But I thought, you know it's like when you're at a rock concert and you're convinced that the lead singer is singing at you.
Do you ever get that?
No.
Come on.
You must have.
We've talked about this in the past.
I've never had it, though.
I'm never that close.
I'm always at the back.
I think it happens to a lot of people.
You're at a concert and you think... Or you're at a stand-up comedy gig and the performer seems to be directing all their jokes directly at you.
Right.
I think maybe I've just got solipsistic tendencies.
Yes, because you're totally self-absorbed.
But, um, Shyamalan was looking at you.
And, uh, but you didn't do anything like nod at him or raise your eyebrows or anything.
I didn't.
No, okay, well done.
I stared back at him.
Yeah.
And I thought, you know, I thought maybe we'd meet again.
I had a similar thing years ago when I was, uh, at, um, at a restaurant, I think Wagamama, a branch of Wagamama, and I was sat there and, you know, it's all kind of open plan.
Everyone shares tables at a restaurant like that.
And over at one of the other tables was Rupert Everett.
Oh my god.
And he was on his own.
He was eating on his own.
Just sat there, eating away his noodles and making phone conversations occasionally.
But in between phone conversations, he would just stare into nothingness.
And at one point, the nothingness he chose to stare at was me.
And he just looked directly at me, like, into my eyes.
And it was very unsettling because she was sort of thinking, well, shall I respond?
Shall I nod?
Uh, I didn't know what to do, but then it became the thing, Ruby, you can get Ruby for Everett to stare into your eyes for about a fiver.
You reckon?
These days, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You haven't seen St.
Trinian's?
No, I haven't.
He'll, he'll, I think he does parties, kids' parties.
Yeah.
Well, later on I worked with him, of course, on Stardust.
Yes.
And he did a similar thing, uh, then.
He sort of stared through me for the two weeks that I worked with him.
But there you go.
Anyway, M. Night Shyamalan, I want to talk a bit more about For Text the Nation later on in the show, because I want to talk about his new film, The Happening.
I just saw the trailer online, and listeners, I want to describe it to you very shortly.
But first, here's some music.
Joe, I think you chose this one.
Did I?
Yeah, this is Pig Bag with Papa's Got a Brand New Pig Bag.
Kirsty McCall with Don't Come to the Cowboy with Me, Sonny Jim, recorded for Nicky Campbell on Radio 1 on the 8th of November 1989.
Come to the cowboy.
So what did I say?
You said, don't come to the cowboy.
Did I?
Don't come to the cowboy with me, Sonny Jim.
Don't come the cowboy.
Yeah, but don't come to the cowboy.
Don't come to the cowboy.
We're all going to the cowboy tonight.
Oh, can I come?
No, don't come to the cowboy tonight with me, Sonny Jim.
You're not invited.
Not invited, Sonny Jim.
Now, we were talking about M. Night Shyamalan.
He's a genius and he's made films, all of which
Actually, no, that's not true.
They don't all have a twist, do they?
Well, let's see.
The village has a big twist.
Lady in the water has a... twist.
Does it have a twist?
What was the twist in Lady in the Water?
It's non-stop twists.
The twist is... why did he do it?
Yeah, it does have a twist.
What's the point?
Yeah, what's the point?
And the M. Night Shyamalan himself is the writer of the Magic Book of Knowledge.
Isn't that a twist?
Right.
Kind of.
It's so hazy.
Do signs have a twist?
It doesn't, really.
Kind of.
I mean, his last three films, the thing that's linked them, as far as I can tell, is that they all feature a small group of people under siege from some kind of localised threat, or generally weird pig.
It's similar to the film Under Siege.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Generally they feature a kind of weird pig monster, in the case of Under Siege.
That's Steven Seagal.
uh and hang on pig pig monster there's a pig monster there's the scruffle or whatever it's called in lady in the water pig monster in lady in the water there's a there's a man dressed as a pig monster in the village no pig monster in signs milk gibbons well they're the aliens in i like signs signs is good it sort of unravels drastically
Well, the whole preacher plot isn't very good, but the aliens themselves, especially the little film of the alien at the Mexican party, Mexican party, a little alien film, Mexican party, an alien film.
I want that alien to turn up at my kid's party.
I'm sure you could hire him.
True.
Anyway, his new film is called The Happening, and you can see the trailer for it right now online by typing in The Happening.
you can do some typening and you'll find the trailer for the happening.
And of course every couple of years, two or three years, M. Knight brings out a film for as long as he's able to if he's not warring too disastrously with the studios.
And it's always fun to guess what the twist of his new film will be because it seems unlikely that he'll ever completely abandon the idea of doing a film
with a twist, you know what I mean?
It's a great marketing premise.
He loves to do the twist.
And in this trailer, the first thing you see is Marky Mark from The Funky Bunch teaching a class of children.
And he's saying, I don't know if any of you guys have heard about this article in the New York Times.
Well, apparently bees are just disappearing all over the country, tens and millions of them.
Let's hear some theories about what's happened to them.
And the class remained silent.
Nobody, says Marky Mark from the Funky Bunch.
You're not interested in what happened to the bees?
Of course we're interested, the viewers are interested, so thereafter we see some very disturbing shots of like big highways with cars abandoned there.
That's the poster image as well, and people lying dead by their cars just bleeding out everywhere.
And then we start seeing, you know, like all the shots start going to black, which is always a bad sign, isn't it?
It's always exciting.
Little glimpses.
The event we could not foresee.
On a scale we cannot imagine.
Marky Mark from the Funky Bunch says, science will come up with some reason to put in the books, but in the end it'll just be a theory.
We'll fail to acknowledge that there are forces that work beyond our understanding.
The unthinkable is happening.
you know, so it's exciting.
What is causing the bees to go awry?
What's causing people just to die all over the world?
I kind of know.
Do you?
Are you talking about the premise of the film?
No, the actual thing.
Have you gone and found out the spoilers and... Not really, but I think I know what the deal is.
Well, the premise is public, isn't it?
It's public knowledge.
So the premise is that flowers, plants... Flowers?
...are emitting a kind of deadly neurotoxin.
yeah it's like nature it's the environment taking revenge on man yeah plants and uh plants and plants yeah all three plants taking revenge on man all the plants being very irresponsible with the planet dude that's right and driving cars how do you like it planes
Basically messing the planet all the way up all the way up the area and they've had enough the flowers have had enough Exactly.
Oh, they may smell nice and be pretty and timid, but don't make them angry No, cuz I don't know what they'll do.
Well, I'll release a deadly pollen that makes everyone kill each other Exactly.
I think that's the idea right and that's well known.
That's well documented That's not a secret that that is the premise.
Yeah, it's not true.
Don't be alarmlessness.
No, I
It's not real.
Not yet.
Not yet, right?
But there is beyond that, I think, another twist in the film and a deeper secret.
Am I right in thinking that?
I don't know.
That's what's implied.
That's what's implied in the trailer, certainly.
What secret could be deeper than that?
Well, that's right.
That's what I want to know.
And I want you listeners to suggest what kind of secrets there could be beyond that.
What is the ultimate twist in M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening?
Why is nature going insane like this?
Now, does it have to be... Do people have to text in a twist for that film?
Could they just suggest brilliant twists that M. Night could use in the future?
Would that be feasible?
Yeah, either one, I think.
Or we could widen it out to that degree.
Have you got some ideas for what the big twist in the habit is?
Well, the first thing that occurred to me is, why are the bees dying?
Well, everybody knows why the bees are dying.
It's Wi-Fi, right?
Wi-Fi's killing the bees.
Wi-Fi's killing the bees and then it's killing everybody!
So the whole as the gradually the whole world gets hooked up towards the end of the film Marky Mark from the Funky Bunch finds out that Wi-Fi is responsible and then obviously the government are resisting it because Wi-Fi's so convenient and enjoyable but then
But then it's killing everyone, so what are they going to do?
Electronic smog.
Right, that's what they call it, is it?
Yeah.
Good name for it.
Thanks.
Also, I was thinking maybe the government has made the plants intelligent, right?
So they can be used in battle, because that's what generally the government do.
They spend all their time trying to make things usable in battle.
That's right.
Because it's good for the economy.
We can use this in battle.
As soon as they find a new thing, one of the people from the government says, hmm, this would be good in war.
Typical.
In battle.
E.T.
were you even going to use E.T.
for war?
Were they?
Little brown E.T.
They were going to attach a gun to his head.
into the Middle East so yeah the government made the plants intelligent but now the plants are fighting back yes you know that was a couple of ideas I had off the top of my head that's good so the text number is six four zero four six four M night Shamaya Lamalan twist ideas
Right?
Yeah.
Any twists, ideas that he could use?
I'm gonna have a think.
You know, because there are only, there are only so many.
We'll run through some of the classic twists, uh, in, in just a short while.
But now, here's... Is this the top of our sweeper?
That's always my favourite part of the show.
Let's sweep.
What's six feet?
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
Adam and Joe here on 6 Music.
That was the wombats you just heard and this is Text the Nation.
We're asking you to suggest what the possible twist for M. Night Shyamalan's new film The Happening could be.
Also, just in general, what other twists might he be able to use for the rest of his film career?
Brilliant ideas for twists, yeah.
It's quite a simple thing.
You've just got to give us a premise and then the twist.
We were just thinking about classic twists in the history of movies and storytelling.
The most classic twist of all that Adam suggested was
It was all a dream.
It's all a dream.
I was saying that I think that's something that children tend to use, but I'm not sure anyone's actually used that in a proper thing.
It's too lame.
Well, Tudor producer was saying the last time it was used in the sort of popular cultural sphere was on Dallas when Bobby woke up.
I never watched Dallas, but I remember hearing about that twist because it was famous.
Wasn't he?
Was that he was captured by aliens as well?
That was another one because that's another twist that's often used is
It was aliens controlling everything.
Mm-hmm.
Is that one that's used?
Yeah.
Yeah, like it's a big it's a big super plan for but for the aliens It looks as if lost could end up like that right?
It's aliens controlling it doing experiments, right?
What a classic twist number two is they're the same person.
Oh
This is the Fight Club twist or that film Mr. Brooks with Kevin Costner even though it's not really a twist in that one but you know there are two characters on screen and at the end they reveal that character A is merely an expression of the id of character B or something like that.
And I was just thinking that the it was all aliens controlling everything that's used in Men in Black of course.
It's not really a twist as such.
The film doesn't rely on the twist, but it's a little extra twist for you when they pull out.
Do you remember from the little universe?
Yeah, there's a universe in the cat on the cat's collar.
Yeah, but that's just the MacGuffin, really.
That's the thing they're all searching for.
Yeah.
It turns out to be very small rather than very big.
It's a scale thing.
uh number twist number three is uh she's got she's got a penis right yeah that may has not been it's always a shocker though imagine just in life uh in the crying game uh sleep away camp is the name of the slasher movie where they use that twist to extraordinary effect uh the killer go out and rent that one suddenly it no it's good
The last shot of that film is extraordinary.
Stays with you.
Yeah, they just freeze frame on an image that reveals that somebody who you didn't think would have a penis does have one.
Yeah, it's shocking stuff.
Yeah.
Well, that's nice, uh, nice to chat about as well.
At this time of the morning.
Ten past ten on a Saturday morning.
Hey, you know, we shouldn't be ashamed of that kind of thing.
No, it's anatomically correct there.
Exactly.
Yeah.
I'm using the medical terminology.
Well, those, those are the, those are the four key twists, I think.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
And what was the, uh, you mentioned the Kevin Costner one.
Did you, uh, Mr. Brooks?
No, but there's another one where he's the spy.
It was him all along, basically.
It was him all along.
Yeah.
So basically your hero is the villain.
Right, like the usual suspects and that kind of thing.
Well, I'd say the usual suspects falls into a slightly dodgy area of twists, which is true of that film The Game as well, which is basically kind of, it was all a silly story all along.
Do you know what I mean?
Because in the usual suspects, the twist is it was all made up.
and none of them ever existed yeah don't you remember he looks around the room at the end and he sees details of the of the room where the framing story is set and and he's made the whole story up similarly in the game the David Fincher film with Michael Douglas and Sean Penn but that's really happening all that stuff yeah but it's not i i never think it's a good enough twist just to say oh this is all uh a manipulated charade well in the game it's ludicrous because it's films themselves are a charade right right so it's just like saying oh by the way this is a film
Yeah.
At the end.
Which is a bit lame.
I reckon.
The bit with the game that always gets, I mean there's so many bits in the game where you just think that wouldn't happen, there's no way.
The game is silly.
Arrange that.
But the final bit where he crashes through the ceiling and he's more or less like he's just shot his brother as knee and he jumps off the building, yeah.
They happen to know where he's gonna jump though, exactly where he'll jump.
And then it turns out
It's all like, hey, Jeremy Beadle comes out.
Not anymore.
Obviously, God rest his soul.
And it's like, hey, it's like game for a laugh, you know what I mean?
And he's, and five minutes later, he's like, oh, you guys, you know.
So think of a new twist.
This is a big challenge for the listeners, isn't it?
I mean, this is the kind of thing, if you think of a good one, you can, you know, go to Hollywood and strike an amazing deal.
Yeah.
A brand new twist.
It should be the new M Night.
Wow.
And of course, don't forget to speculate about the ending of The Happening.
The end, the twist for The Happening is available online if you are a fan of spoilers.
I actually avoided looking at that spoiler because I want to go and see The Happening and have fun for myself.
Don't you?
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
Although we have got a message from someone saying, I've read the script, I know the twist, and you will, what did he say?
You will throw Sprite at the screen with fury.
Now here's a track that I've chosen for you listeners.
This is Rupi Edwards from an old scar compilation that I have and it keeps popping up on my iPod and it's always a joy when it does.
This is called I-Re-Feelings.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email, is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
Yes, it's Text the Nation time here on the Adam and Jo radio show on BBC Six Music.
This week we're asking you to supply us with your ideas for what the twist might be in M. Night Shawadiwadi's new film The Happening.
We know it's about nature, taking revenge on man, all the bees die and nobody knows why, but what's the twist at the end?
We're also asking you just to generally suggest some brilliant twists
You know, a premise and a twist that might make us millions in Hollywood.
Because all their twists mainly have been used up, haven't they?
Of course, the classic one that we didn't mention before was, he's already dead, or she's already dead, or they are already dead.
So far we've got, there's another one we thought of which is, the hero is the villain.
Twist number one, twist number two, he's dead all along.
Yes, exactly.
So Hero is the villain as used in No Way Out with Kevin Costner, of course.
Yeah, the person you're rooting for turns out to be the person who's causing all the trouble.
And we're mainly talking about old films here, so if you haven't seen these, I apologise if we're spoiling them for you.
We're not going to talk about specific films, maybe.
We'll just talk about the twist themselves.
Okay, yeah.
There are two people being the same person all along.
It was a dream is another one.
And of course, she's got a penis.
It's the other classic one.
So glad you mentioned that one again.
Thanks a lot.
Johnny, here's some suggestions that have come in.
Yeah.
These are some M Night suggestions.
Here's one from Mitchell.
Mitchell says, the twist for the new M Night film is that it was all because of an ongoing war between cats and ghost cats and only mental patients can see this.
I'd like to see that.
He's got to use it at some stage that twist surely.
Yeah, I'm amazed.
He hasn't already I can't believe it It's ghost cats and real cats and they're having a war and only the clinically insane can see it.
I knew it But wait, Julie's not clinically insane.
Actually I am So you get an extra twist there that the double twist that's good.
Who was that was pasta?
That's from Mitchell.
Here's another one from David
the bees and people swap bodies the people now bees round the cars have passed out from trying to fly yeah the trailer shows lots of dead bodies around cars or what you think of dead bodies they've passed out from attempting to fly and the bees brackets now people have gone somewhere else
Filled with twists well actually there is a scene in the there's a shot in the trailer where people are lobbing themselves off the top of buildings So they could be under the mistaken apprehension that their bees as well Yes, you know yes, they're trying to fly
Although you don't see any shots of the bees.
Mr. Trebus in Wood Green says it's not bees that are vanishing, but the letter B what's vanishing.
So I think it's a slightly cryptic this text, but I think he's suggesting that people don't have bones anymore or blood or bodies.
He's saying that everything that begins with the letter B. Yeah.
That's a kind of a Sesame Street horror film.
Wow.
Instructional for kids.
So keep them coming in.
You've got to realise, oh here's another good one from Andy Richardson Nottingham.
I think the twist in The Happening is that the only dialogue in the whole film is what you see in the trailer and it's really a musical, possibly co-starring the Funky Bunch.
Of course he's referring to the Sweeney Todd trailer, De Barcla.
Have they made up the trailer now for that?
I don't know, I don't think so.
It still pretends that it's a dialogue film.
But also if you can come up with some kind of just good generally applicable twists, we were discussing this and we came to the conclusion that the best twists redefine the entire context of the story, don't they?
Like the Village, even though it was a very poor film, that was a brilliant idea.
I was based... The idea that you would have a period film and then at the very end they climb over a wall and find that they're just in a kind of weird theme park in the middle of the modern world.
He was almost... He was almost soothed by a children's author who... I'm sure it's been used before.
The big classic twists, you know, I think they're only a few of the limited number.
Can't copyright them.
Well, we're going to attempt to do that today.
If we find some new twists today, we could copyright them.
We'll be millionaires.
64046 is the text number.
If you'd like to join in with Text the Nation, the nation's favourite feature.
Now it's time for more music.
Here is a great song.
This is Smash.
Now I remember this song when it came out very clearly.
This was the kind of height of Britpop, wasn't it?
And there was a big scandal when this came out.
I'm talking about Sorted Freeze and Whiz by Pulp.
And on the sleeve of the single, I think it had kind of instructions for how to make little drug wraps or something like that.
And oh, the Daily Mail didn't like that at all.
There was a big, big scandal about it.
But what a song.
What a smash.
All about the highs and lows of going to festivals.
This is Pulp.
That's Pulp with Sorted for Ease and Whiz.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
It's time for the music news and the real news read by Rachel Matthews.
That's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought, that's the first single I ever bought,
Yeah?
Uh-huh.
Do you want to know what I did?
Is it literally the best 10 hours of your life?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, no, no, it's not the best 10 hours, but if I were to write a list of, like, the best days ever, this would be, like, definitely in the top 20.
Wow.
How did it start?
It started after lunch by going to Six Flags Magic Mountain, the theme park.
You love theme parks?
I love roller coasters.
Yep.
I love rolling my coasters.
Is there colossus at Six Flags?
Colossus is there.
It's a big wooden one.
Yep.
Yeah, it's amazing colossus.
They've got a new one called Tetsu.
You sit in a seat.
and then the seat gets tipped up so you're like dangling as if you're sat in the seat but you're dangling back up and you nose tummy first looking downwards oh oh boy and then they whizz you around whizzing all the loops and the curves and the bunny hops and the inversions it's amazing wow it's like flying yeah i stuck my hands out in front of me like superman i did yeah i'm afraid did you say i'm superman
I did I was thinking I'm Superman I'm Superman oh my god I'm Superman but I can't control where I'm going and I'm scared so I'm Superman possessed by something.
Lots of people were sticking their hands out presumably weren't they?
Yeah it was crazy.
It was crazy.
Oh it was fantastic.
I went in the very front car we waited we went in the very front car and then the second time we went I went in the very back car
Of course, if you're a rollercoaster expert, you know that the front car is best for, you know, vertiginous plunges and feeling like you're the only person on the ride.
The rear car is good for speed and that kind of feeling of being, you know, whiplashed out of corners and stuff.
I nearly blacked out when I was on the last car.
I was going upside down, back to front, inside out, down an amazingly vertical slope.
It was, oh, it was amazing.
Sounds good if you're pregnant.
It's ideal for pregnant people, people with heart conditions.
That would be fun.
It really gets the pet back.
Living on the edge a little bit.
Yeah.
It helps break the waters.
Exactly.
Yeah.
The baby would be having fun.
You'd have to pay maybe double the price.
Double the price, exactly, yeah.
Maybe they make rides for pregnant women.
They should do, shouldn't they?
Yeah.
Are pregnant women even allowed on the teacups?
Pregnant women aren't allowed anywhere.
Really?
They're not allowed outside of the house.
They're not.
Let's face it, sometimes they're just kept in one room.
If they do go outside of the house, then people look at them funny and they say, in your condition?
Like that.
Yes.
So not technically.
Man, that sounds amazing.
I also went on colossus and goliath.
Ah, they were really good.
I love rollercoasters.
You do love rollercoasters.
Then, okay, and this involves some name dropping.
Okay.
I have a friend who's friends with Quentin Tarantino, as you know.
So then I went to Quentin Tarantino's house and sat in his private, he's got a little private cinema.
It used to be William Friedkin's house.
He's got a little private cinema and he's got a library of prints of films and it was me and four other people.
Yeah.
And we watched a print of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom as kind of Indiana Jones fever around the world because of the new trailer and the new film coming in May.
And man, we had a little private screening of Temple of Doom.
It was so good.
That film's amazing.
And we were having a big conversation.
Quentin was like wearing this kind of black, almost like a judo instructor's outfit, like a sort of movie guru.
And he did a little speech.
He gave us a little talk about the film before it started.
Oh, we're talking about Spielberg and how he thought it was Spielberg's best directed film, Temple of Doom.
And we were saying to Quentin that in the UK, people tend to think that Temple of Doom was a misfire and Last Crusade was a return to form.
That was the critical opinion.
It kind of was, which is insane, because every right-minded person knows that Last Crusade is a big old stinker.
Last Crusade's unwatchable.
Temple of Doom is marred mainly by Kate Capshaw's incessant screaming.
Well, it's a throwback.
two thirties and forties screwball comedy i i know what you mean but you know uh spielberg was very much in love with her at the time uh so you know and i i know what you mean there are there are scenes where like that scene in the jungle do you remember when she keeps encountering snakes and and then there's a terrible bit where she puts some perfume on an elephant and she keeps going on about how she's cracked her nails
And there are some really scenes where you want to strangle her.
Do you remember when India and Short Round are trapped in that weird cave and the big spiky ceiling is lowering?
And she won't put her hand in the thing to pull the lever?
Do you remember that?
Yeah.
Because of her nails.
It's like, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.
Exactly what I whispered during the film.
Probably everybody does.
Yeah.
So that was so enjoyable.
Wow.
And that finished about midnight.
It was just an amazing 10-hour period.
And what's QT giving you?
He's giving you snacks while you're watching this?
He is.
Yeah, he has.
There's a fridge with some beverages.
Wow.
Beverage fridge.
You can have yourself the beverages.
He's got a beverage fridge.
He has beverages.
I just like to hear Americans use the word beverage.
Yeah.
And how big is this screen?
What kind of size is this screen?
It's a big screen.
You know, I shouldn't give away any more details because you've got to respect people's privacy.
You've got to respect my privacy, Adam.
Oh, we've got to respect your privacy, too.
Respect my privacy.
Okay.
Man, that sounds amazing.
Yeah.
What a day.
Uh, I won't see the water horse.
Wow.
Yeah.
You know, I am actually quite jealous of that.
It's like, uh, it's about the Loch Ness Monster.
I don't know if you know.
It's amazing.
You see it and everything.
I don't want to go on about it, but, uh, it's, uh, it's amazing.
Uh, music time now.
Here's Los Campesinos with death to Los Campesinos.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email, is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
Sounds so good in stereo, that jingle, you know?
Right.
And it's a shame because on the podcast, you get just mono.
We're upset about this, the podcast.
We should tell listeners that you can get a podcast of this show.
I think from Monday morning, it's on iTunes.
What's Sunday night at six o'clock?
The new one comes up.
We're quite upset that the BBC do podcasts in mono still, even though someone told me that Chris Moyles is one or some of the Radio One ones are in stereo.
Really?
Uh, that's an uneven playing field.
It's very uneven.
And we're angry.
Because apparently the logic is it's faster to download, but only fractionally.
That's a load of BS.
That's BS, man.
Cornish is sticking his neck right out there.
That's SH1T.
Woah, we should move on to some textination stuff before we get into really hot water.
Yes.
So, to text the nation this week, we're asking you to suggest what the twist is for M. Night Shawadi Wadi's new film The Happening.
It's a film where Marky Mark from The Funky Bunch realises that nature is taking revenge on man for being naughty and burning oil.
And in the trailer, the implication at the beginning is that maybe it's a terrorist attack, some kind of chemical attack.
Nothing that easy.
No.
I think that's straightforward.
It turns out, of course, that it's nature, but there's a twist over and above that.
And we are asking you to speculate as to what that might be.
We're also asking you for just general, general twists.
Um, yeah, here we go.
Here's one from... Playing for time.
Playing for time.
Jimmy.
From Ben.
Ben.
Okay, I haven't really sorted through these.
I can't guarantee the quality.
The Happening Twist.
Mark Wahlberg wakes up to find he is a dead female alien with a bee penis.
M Night is going for a twist full house.
So Ben's idea is that, you know, all the twists in one hair.
That's a good idea.
It's all been a dream.
Yeah, he's a dead alien with a bees penis.
I'm not sure where the... Yeah, no, that's very good.
Well done.
And it was him all along.
If there was a prize, you would win it.
In fact, there is a prize and it's a bee's penis.
What we're going to do is post that to you.
We're not going to wrap it.
It'll be just a stamp.
I'm pretty sure we've exceeded it.
We're only allowed to use the P word so many times on a breakfast show.
Half the population have them.
Why ignore truth?
Dustin Hoffman.
No, I'm not reading that one.
Sorry.
Hang on, talk about things.
Is that dirty dust?
No.
Mitchell's added a twist to the whole cat ghost thing, but I think most people have forgotten about that now.
Um, here's another one.
Okay, okay, okay, oh god.
Okay, the Happening is only the last chapter of an epic film from the plant world.
A botanical government introduces humans to keep the plants from overpopulating, and it takes the plants many millennia to organise themselves into a revolution because they can't talk to each other.
That's a very good idea.
From Howard and Hackney, do you think?
Yeah, I think that's good, man.
That's at least as good as anything M. Knight's gonna come up with, surely.
Yes.
Can you reckon?
Speaking of which, you just saw Bee Movie on the plane back.
Attempted to watch Bee Movie on the plane.
I had to switch it off.
I can't believe that Bee Movie, the timing for Bee Movie was a little bad because Seinfeld could have dealt with some of those issues in that film as well.
Yeah.
The bees radar being thrown off by the wildfire.
Yeah, I know.
Just with live action with people.
Yeah.
And that's money.
It would have been, you know, they could have given all that money to charity.
People are obsessed by bees these days.
They are.
Here's one from Harkon Yeah Harkon Harkon in Warwick new twist idea one the cat was a rabbit in disguise all along I don't know what cat he's talking about That's confusing the cat but I like the idea of a cat being a rabbit in disguise all along That's usable, isn't it for something?
Yeah, just clipping some ears on there Especially if it didn't have a lot to do with the main plot.
It just belonged to one of the characters It's just an ancillary twist, you know what I mean the subplot.
Yeah
And if the bee's penis thing isn't enough, then that cat was a rabbit all along!
It'll turn up in tomorrow's episode of Lost, no doubt.
from Knight Rider.
Yeah, not sure about that, that's a bit too meta.
Technically, that is a twist.
Here's one from Stefan in Richmond.
Why not have a twist where a man who thinks he's a ghost turns out in fact to be very much alive?
And could it just be that bees are being murdered by wasps out of jealousy?
Why would wasps be jealous of bees?
Yeah, there's nothing to be jealous about.
It's been the other way around.
Yeah, because bees die when they sting people, whereas wasps can sting as much as they want.
Yeah, they're the thugs of insect world.
Yeah, but that's quite good.
I like the man who thinks he's a ghost, but turns out to be very much alive.
Yeah, that is good.
Yeah, he discovered that pretty early on when he tried to walk through a wall and failed, though.
Wouldn't he?
Yeah, well, he might think that there was some weird ghost logic going on, do you know what I mean?
Like, maybe he was only half a ghost.
Yeah.
Do you remember the film The Frighteners?
Yes, I do.
There's some similarly strange ghost logic in that, like some of the ghosts all over the shop.
The ghosts fall through floors, but then they, uh, stop.
at other floors.
Yeah, this is great.
This is ABC, the 80s band.
It's not from Let's Kind of Love.
It was from their follow-up album, which was called Beauty Stab.
Yeah, it had quite a good kind of bullfighting cover.
Didn't really find the success that Lexicon have loved it.
They tried to strip down the whole sound, didn't they?
Did they have horn?
Did horn produce Beauty Stab?
I'm not sure if he did.
I think it was a deliberate vault fast.
Not quite sure about our fact there.
Maybe you can help us, but this is one of the best singles off that.
This is called SOS.
There you go, that's a bit of vintage music hall for you from the last century.
The Sex Pistols with Pretty Vacant.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music on a delightful Saturday morning.
It's just past 11 o'clock in the morning and people are excited about their Saturday, their weekend, they're going out and doing a little bit of shopping, maybe visiting friends, visiting friends, taking their kids to the park, maybe just lying on the sofa and watching sport.
Exactly.
Who knows?
You can do whatever you want on Saturdays.
Clean marking time until Ant and Dec's Saturday night takeaway begins.
When their money will be stolen from their pockets in another bent phoning.
That's just a joke.
Is it though?
You can go to prison for saying things like that, you know.
Can you?
Yeah, you can.
Saying things like that's now worse than, uh, murder.
The murder.
Yes.
I like the way you say murder.
Murder.
As if it's some sort of child's toy.
Murder.
Now we said earlier on Joe kind of shanghaied me on air into agreeing to bring back song wars.
Yes.
And I must say I think it's a very good idea.
You know, that I had.
Like all your ideas.
Like all my ideas, it's another winner.
We're very popular with the audience.
So we've been asking you to suggest some themes for Song Wars, and Adam, like a kind of baby being served a Farley's Rusk dipped in milk, is allowed to choose the theme of Song Wars as a kind of, what do you call it, pep pep palliative?
FOB.
FOB, I don't know, whatever it is.
Snare.
So here are some suggestions for the theme What I've Come In.
Morning Adam and Jo.
I think you two should write a theme tune for Columbo as he doesn't have one.
You two will never get them.
And I think a legend like Columbo should have one of the best theme tunes.
That's from Jamie and Julie and Little Louie from Billingham.
Anything there?
Buxton theme tune to Columbo?
Does that have to be Columbo?
Yeah, that's the suggestion.
Theme tune to Columbo.
Do you ever watch Columbo?
Uh, no.
Well, kind of.
He's the shuffly plastic Mac guy, Peter Falk.
Yeah.
You think he's an idiot?
But no, he's really brilliant.
He's a genius.
That's the idea.
Come on, we've got to whittle through these.
We can't spend too long on them.
Here's another one from Yadi.
It says, maybe you should send a song wars around the subject of mints and its magical properties.
Mints?
A song about mints?
As in mints meat.
uh yeah i think that's what he means yeah not a little bowl of mints uh no m-i-n-c-e yeah kitty in london says how about a world music song wars must be sung in another language hmm that's quite a good one the language is good yeah yeah uh russ says a tourism song for places you were forced to go to on school trips
School trip's got that one.
There's lots of these.
You better write a bit faster.
Well, I'm only writing the ones I really like, Dan.
Okay, song wars.
The emotional struggle of pop stars who only ever get to number two in the charts then claim that's okay.
So Simon and Putney.
Hmm.
Yeah.
I like another language.
Remix each other's songs, says Vicky.
Right.
A song about obsolete technology, says Dinsdale.
Anything there?
Uh, Neil says, and quite a lot of people have suggested, we write songs about the hassle and grief of actually writing songs.
Right, about the creative process.
Yeah.
Ca-cathol?
In Belfast?
Cathol?
Not sure where the emphasis there is there on that name.
I think the theme of next week's Song Wars should be the joys of democracy.
Okay.
Any response there?
Democracy.
It's a little bit broad.
Someone else, an anonymous one, says, song about Paul McKenna.
Yeah.
And hypnosis.
Mm-hmm.
Someone says, maybe I should whistle through some of these.
So far my favorites out of that list are, I like the idea of doing something in another language, and I like the idea of writing something about the actual- We can't both do French though.
That's the only language either of us knows anything about.
I know some Spanish.
Mind you, we could go to Babelfish or whatever that online translation site is.
Oh, I've never been to that.
Yeah, there's translation sites where you can type in stuff and it gives you a very approximate, but that could be amusing.
And then we could even find a listener who's fluent in that language and get them to review the song.
Right.
Could we do that?
That's a lot of ifs there.
Well, if you're fluent in another language, just drop us an email adamandshow.6musicatbbc.co.uk with your name and your phone number and the language that you're fluent in.
Yeah?
And then maybe that'll work.
Are we choosing that one then?
Are we?
I don't understand what that one was, you just said- Foreign language, foreign languages.
Yeah, but what was the bit about getting the other person in- Okay, this was my knowledge.
We can't both do- The only language either of us know- Oh, you know Spanish, don't know some Spanish.
There you go, so I could do French and you could do Spanish.
Why don't we do that?
Alright.
But French is the more fun language.
Well then you do French and I'll do Spanish.
It's okay, I'll do Spanish, I'll do some Spanish stuff.
I'll do some like pretend flamenco guitar or whatever.
You'll be good.
It'll be good.
Yeah.
So there we go.
That's it.
Who was that from?
I've forgotten.
Well, we'll find out.
But there we go.
So next week, Songwars is back and it's going to be foreign language songs in a foreign language.
Joe's in French.
Mine in Spanish.
Yeah.
Do we need the songs to be about something?
I mean, you can't just have the language.
They need a subject.
Oh god, I'm gonna have to keep going through these emails.
Okay, keep those ideas coming in.
We'll go through these emails for a theme.
Uh, now it's time for some, uh, Nick Cave, ladies and gentlemen.
This is the new one from Nick and the Bad Seeds, and it's called Dig Lazarus Dig.
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds with Dig Lazarus Dig.
This is Adam and Joe, here on BBC Six Music.
Joe Cornish is excited he's just come back from a trip to America and with him he's bought an amazing what is almost like a gold brick and it is a copy of the Andrew Morton unauthorized Tom Cruise you may touch it Adam thank you very easily
this is the book that uh you know it's been banned or something yeah i went into the bookshop and i was flicking through it and the woman said this may have just been a sales technique she said oh that book's been banned
I said, really?
She said, yeah, the Scientologists, they paid the publishers about a million dollars not to reprint it.
So these five copies I have, they're the last copies.
Once these are gone, it's gone forever.
That's what she says about all the books.
Oh, Harry Potter.
That's been banned.
The Scientologists, they paid J.K.
Rowling two million dollars not to publish any more Harry Potter books.
But what if it's true?
Yeah.
Well, imagine what this will be worth.
About 15 or 16 quid.
If you try and buy this book on Amazon, they hurt you.
It's you're not allowed to.
No, they don't.
It says on the back not for sale in the UK and Ireland.
Wow.
It's full of such amazingly hot stuff and info.
Yeah.
That it's it's ruining Tom Cruise's career.
Read a sentence at random.
He can't get another film.
He can't make a deal.
Right.
All because of Morton's scandalous revelations.
Morton's a genius, a great writer.
He's the king of the scandalous revelation.
He wrote the Diana Chronicles.
He wrote Monica's story about Monica Lewinsky.
None of his other books have been banned, though, have they?
No.
I mean, the last book I can remember being banned is Spy Catcher.
Exactly.
And what a book.
What a book.
I bought that back from America when I was a kid.
Yeah.
Gave it to my dad, thinking he'd be excited.
He looked sad.
He looked at me like I've bought him back in a dog plot wrapped in tissue paper.
Which is in a way what I had.
And now you've got Tom Cruise's unofficial biograss.
I've progressed zero inches since I was 14.
Read a sentence.
Doesn't matter if it's totally boring.
Let's just try it at random.
Let's put the book to the test, the random sentence test.
Random sentence test.
It's got to be a real random sentence test.
Yet the husband who had once smothered her in red roses, love notes and adoration did not even tell her face-to-face, man-to-woman, that their ten-year marriage was over.
Nicole learned that she had been written out of the script of Tom's life from a go-between, his liar.
One of the go-betweens!
A sizzling revelation!
I can't believe it!
What a great band, and she hired one of them to tell him.
No, he hired one of them.
That's disgraceful.
Let's do another one.
This book's amazing.
It's like opening a box of fireworks.
The temperature in Montreal had plummeted, but her work there was nearly done.
Stunning actress Sophia Vergara was shooting the final scenes of a bloody family revenge movie for brothers.
While on the set with former boyfriend Mark Wahlberg, the Columbian-born model received an intriguing invitation
It's bound to be Brill's though, isn't it?
It's just all about the women in his life, isn't it?
I tell you what it does reveal is that Cruise is definitely not gay.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
It's saying that all those silly rumours that went around that he was, uh, in the closet.
Yeah.
Not true.
Well, I never thought... He's a ladies man.
I never thought they were true.
No.
Because I always, you know, fancied him and he never fancied me back.
It's funny, isn't it?
How suddenly big stars' careers can suddenly kind of end.
It is funny, man.
It makes me chuckle.
It happened so quickly.
Didn't it?
The same thing happened to Jim Carrey.
No, he's not.
He can't get arrested either.
Really?
Yeah.
No, come on, Carrey.
I'm always up for paying a bit of money to see Carrey in action.
Me too, but I don't know if it's gonna happen.
I'd go and see Tom's next photo.
So would I.
Now, here's a band that I am deeply in love with, Spoon.
They're playing on Monday night.
If you want to come along, folks, let's hang out.
Come on, let's buy each other drinks at the Spoon Gig.
They're playing at the Scala, King's Cross.
Good venue, good venue.
I think I'll be able to see there, which is quite unusual for me, because usually I'm so titchy that I can't see anything at all.
but I can usually get a pretty good view at the Scala and man if they carry on playing on the form that they've been playing recently it'll be an amazing gig I love Spoon and I hope they'll play this one this is a track from their new album Ga Ga Ga Ga I say their new album it was released the end of last year but it says Peach wonderful album and this is a great song it's very simple like a lot of their stuff it just sort of
builds and builds, and there's only one line that he says pretty much, it's just my Japanese cigarette case, and then a little line after that, but he gets so much out of it.
They do so much with so little.
This is Spoon.
There you go.
That's the Drunky Man.
Faces.
The Drunky Boys.
Had me a real good time.
Oh, that's a session recorded in 71.
At some point, apparently, here at the Big British Castle, nobody actually recorded the details of that session, so it's a bit of a mystery.
Because everyone was so drunk on having a good time.
Just having a good time, I imagine.
There you go.
Um, and, uh... Sorry, Jude, what did you say we're gonna... Oh yes, we're gonna wrap up Text the Nation now, is that correct?
Yes, like this!
Text the Nation!
Text!
Text the Nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text the Nation!
But I'm using email!
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter!
Text!
So text the nation, this week listeners has been all about movie twists.
We may have given away a couple of twists for some older films, for which we apologise.
The listening public tends to get very sensitive when it comes to spoilers, and I agree with them with new films or the things that have been released in the last couple of years, but with films that are a few years old, then hey, if you haven't seen it, that's your fault.
That is your fault.
You know what I mean?
You've got to be able to discuss things at some point otherwise where would anybody get?
uh, by hearing the twist in films, then you probably shouldn't listen to a radio conversation about film twists.
That's true.
Do you know what I mean?
I think that's a fair point.
It's a good area of the void.
Um, so we've been discussing what the twist is gonna be in M. Night Shyamalan's, how do you actually say his name?
Shyamalan.
Shyamalan's new film The Happening.
which is all about sort of nature taking revenge on man or something like that.
We've also been broadening the discussion in two twists in general.
Put me in mind of one of my favourite twist endings which is the film Explorers directed by Joe Dante starring River Phoenix and Ethan Hawke.
Yeah, and some other kid that nobody knows who he was, that's got a brilliant twist.
They go into space and they meet aliens, do you remember?
And the twist is that the aliens they meet are just kids, and the grown-up aliens come and sort of tick the little child aliens off for sending a distress message to the Earth.
That's a good film, man.
It's a great film.
My children love that.
If you've got small children out there, listeners, and they're aged about three or four or over.
Explorers is the one, I guess.
Explorers is an absolute peach, and they will really enjoy it, I guarantee, and it's not one that's like an obvious choice.
I met Joe D'Anse, actually, and discussed Explorers with him.
We've gotta bring back the name drop sound.
The name drop sound, yeah.
So, Tom, we're not gonna get into that, though, but you told me some good stories about Explorers, though.
Did he?
Yeah, he hates it.
He hasn't seen it as a disaster.
He had to deliver it before it was finished.
There's loads of things to love about that film.
Okay, so twists anyway, here we go.
Ella has just reminded us of some other basic twists.
We were trying to compile a list of the fundamental twists that a writer has to draw on, the ones that are established already.
The I Am Your Father twist.
Right.
Some kind of familial relationship between two characters in a story.
That's a very good one, isn't it?
And she also points out that incest is another key one.
Finding out that you're somebody's sister or brother.
Something that Star Wars kind of accidentally dallies with.
In a very naughty, dirty way.
Dirty!
Tom Marcham also gives us a classic twist, which is a variation on the hero is the villain twist, and he's suggesting... Oh, I don't know, I've got confused with this one.
Basically, he's suggesting that the Shawshank Redemption would be better if the twist was that Tim Robbins actually was a murderer, and when he escapes at the end, he embarks on a killing spree.
That would be quite good, wouldn't it?
It would be a different time with film.
Suddenly intensely gory last five minutes.
Yeah.
Of insane machete death.
To switch from a real feel-good classic to being just released.
And just suddenly ending on a freeze frame of maybe him decapitating a parking warden and screaming and blood at his freeze.
The end.
Well, sometimes an extreme downer is a twist in itself.
Like I'm thinking of the vanishing, of course.
Yes.
We can't give away the end of that.
No, I don't intend to, but the ending changes your whole conception of the film in a way, doesn't it?
I mean, it changes everything, changes your whole conception on life, more or less.
You just want to go and lie down for a while.
Yeah, do watch the original Vanishing, not the Jeff Bridges remake listeners.
No, the changing, the twist in the Jeff Bridges one is
It's a different twist.
Much more upbeat.
They twist it back again, so it's cheerful.
Here's another one, another basic twist as well.
This is from Clare in Birmingham, who says, we forgot that someone turns out to be an android twist.
Which is quite right, a character you think is normal turns out to be a robot.
Usually gets their head chopped off, a la Alien.
Right.
It's a good... Ridley Scott Riddles does that a lot, she also points out.
Yeah.
Okay, but back to the happening.
All right, here's one from Paul, who's listening in Japan.
Wow, how exotic.
Um, okay.
Uh, he's actually, he's suggesting another basic twist, which is the practice run twist.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, so this is when maybe a story, and this is usually used at the beginning of a story where, like, the characters are involved in some major conflict or amazing battle, and then at the climax, somebody flicks a switch and it all vanishes, and it turns out they're on the holodeck all the time.
That's right.
Or it's a simulation.
They use it at nauseam in Star Trek and also Battlestar Galactic uses it a couple of times.
And I'll tell you now that you've reminded me of that.
The time when you can use the it was only a dream twist is at the beginning.
There's a load of things that they start really weird.
Sopranos used to use it quite a bit and it starts out and everything's a little bit weird and there's strange music playing and characters you thought were dead are suddenly resurrected.
That's true.
Hang on, what's going on?
Turns out.
So you're saying it's it's acceptable at the beginning.
Acceptable at the beginning.
at the end.
Yeah.
Okay, here are some alternative twists or some suggested twists for M Night Shyamalama Ding Dong's film The Happening.
This is from Morgan Fellows, who says, I reckon the twist in Shyamalama Ding Dong's new B film could be that it's all Al Gore's fault.
Yeah.
There would be a reveal late in the film where Marky Marks fought his way into the office of the Mr Big behind the B problem.
Marky's tired, his vest is dirty, his funky bunch are all dead.
Mr Big, behind his big desk, spins his big chair round to face Markey, and it's Al Gore!
Yay!
You!
But why?
Exclaims Markey.
I'm a bit shaky on the actual reason why Al Gore might have turned the plants against the bees in the human race, but these are just details.
Of course, listen.
Maybe he's been stockpiling honey in order to make a huge profit, selling it at high prices to survivors.
I thought Morgan was going to say in order to make a huge sandwich.
Which would have been better.
No one knows why Al Gore does these things.
You know, no one knows why he's wrecked the climate.
He's just plowing his own crazy furrow.
He is.
He's a mad man.
And he must be stopped.
He's a mad man.
Here's a suggestion from Matt.
He says, maybe the bees are dying because Winnie the Pooh's on a honey binge.
Yep.
That's a good laugh.
Here's one from Seb Burnett.
Hello Adam and hello Joe.
I think the twist is that Marky Mark is... Marky Mark is what has been killing all the people.
Right.
So it isn't nature but mankind that has caused this.
Except Marky Mark turns out to be a robot controlled by a really mean bee.
Wow.
Now that's amazing.
Which brings us on, surely, to the news here on BBC Six Music.
That's one of those shouty ladies.
The yayayayas there with date with the night.
That's an old one though, right?
That's a classic three year, 30 years old.
Oh, three.
2003. 2003.
Uh, Karen O. Her name is, isn't it?
And she loves to shout and jump about.
And, um, and they're called the AAS.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Time to wrap up, uh, text the nation so we sort of brutally interrupted our last little, uh, text reading out session there with the news.
Joe, do you want to resume?
Sure, sure I will.
There's one from Murray.
Dave, you've just tuned in there.
People are suggesting new twists or trying to guess what the twist might be for the new M. Night Shyamalan film, The Happening, which is about nature taking revenge on humans.
Murray in Morecambe says, maybe the twist in The Happening is that Stevie wonders behind it all with his Secret Life of Plants record.
Very nice.
Six music.
A bit of music knowledge.
Original reference explaining to the subject.
Here's another one, Tom from Middlesex, who says, the twist, I like this one, Tom.
After the BBC fails to commission David Attenborough, another nature show, Attenborough turns evil, using all of the relationships he's built up with animals over the years to take over the world.
Good idea to get Attenborough in there, yeah.
He films it, then presents it on his own TV station, which turns out to be the entire film.
That's good in these post Cloverfield days, and indeed George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead to have a kind of
presentational angle on your film, you know, to make it some kind of found footage involved the media.
Exactly.
That's a very good idea, Tom.
Here's one from Rob in Birmingham.
Hi guys, the reason the plants and flowers have turned against us in the happening is due to people weighing on them.
This could be explained at the end in flashback as Marky Mark is shown stumbling out of a pub and urinating over a lovely rose bush.
This turns out to be the last straw for the plant kingdom, so they decide to pump all the stale wee wee vapours that oh dear, I'm gonna have to stop reading that one, it's too juvenile, too juvenile even for us.
Stu says, Hi Adam and Jo, could it be that all the bees have gone to a huge bee convention where Billy Piper is playing her popular hit Honey to the Bee?
This causes a severe shortage of honey and all the Americans drop to the floor in thirst for honey.
I like the fact that he points out that it's the Americans.
The Americans.
All the Americans drop to the floor.
Typical of the Americans.
So he's got Billy playing at the Bee convention rather than the bees?
Nah, well, you know, he's not as obvious as you in his humorous jags.
Okay, now this is a very involved one.
It comes from... Sting could be playing.
Sting could be playing.
Carry on.
This comes from John Hesk and he's at some kind of university, St Andrews or something I think.
Dear Adam and Jo, my twist for the Shy Malan Bees Movie.
The best twists are hinted at in the preceding narrative, and you see them retrospectively.
I read somewhere that bees should not be able to fly according to the conventional laws of physics.
Okay, in the film this is discussed in passing by a bee scientist, but then he and Marky Mark gradually work out that bees fly according to hitherto undiscovered rules of quantum subatomic particle physics.
Global warming has somehow caused the quantum time-space thingy to ripple, and the bees are being sucked into a quantum fourth dimension.
Marky Mark and the scientists discover this at the end, have to fly into the fourth dimension in a special quantum spaceship which has a big net or something.
Maybe the spaceship emulates bee flight.
The details for this obviously have to be thought through more clearly.
If you read this out on the radio, can you tell my three-year-old daughter to stop being a bit naughty?
Man, job done.
But he's got obsessed with the bees there.
He has, but you know, I know that didn't make much sense, but here's a man who's really tried to think about this from a scientific level.
I like the fact that he says I read somewhere that bees really shouldn't fly according to the laws of physics.
I'm pretty sure that he found that out from Bee Movie, where they make a big deal out of that fact.
And I'm sorry if that's not the case, sir.
No disrespect to you, JPH.
Finally, here's a good one from Dave Funky Pancake, right?
Uh-huh.
Uh, he says in the final scene, a giant queen bee arrives wearing a beard of live humans.
Yeah.
Come on.
That's pretty good, isn't it?
That's good, I'd pay you to see that.
Thank you very much indeed for all your texts and emails and messages for Text the Nation this week.
I have to apologise for not actually being able to read clearly.
I don't think you do have to apologise.
I kept stumbling.
Come on, doesn't matter.
Very jet lagged.
I'm pretty sure people don't listen to this show for... It's not... Do you think I'm... For slickness.
What?
Jude is mocking me for just mentioning being jetlagged as if I'm showing off.
Oh, I see.
Because I've been on a plane.
It is quite affordable for most people.
Yeah.
Killing the planet?
Killing the planet is affordable for most people.
Thanks for killing the planet.
Joe doesn't care if he kills the planet as long as he can drop a few names afterwards.
Yeah.
Do you think M. Night's Shy Malamalan is no longer flying in planes?
No.
You know, making a film about the environment and nature's revenge?
He just teleports everywhere.
Look at his greased mind.
He does, doesn't he, with his sparkly eyes?
Yeah.
Do you think people really hassle Al Gore whenever they see him on a plane?
He doesn't.
He cycles across the Atlantic, isn't he?
Yeah, he's got paddles on his BMX.
If you look out the window at the plane, sometimes you can see him.
There.
Him and Jon Snow.
It's time for some more music.
This is Vampire Weekend with A-Punk.
Very good.
Who was that then?
Vampire Weekend.
Ah, they're the Hot New Thing.
Hot New Thing.
Yeah, they're a mixture of kind of punky rock and some world music influences, right?
Yeah.
That's why it says in all the mags.
Who are other bands a little bit like?
like that.
Um, I'm trying to think.
Cam- Campervan Beethoven.
Campervan Beethoven.
They were very much like that.
They used to do kind of Polish, uh, inflected punk.
And, uh, who else am I thinking of?
Um, uh, uh, Blister in the Sun.
Who did that?
Violent Femmes.
They were a little bit like that as well, weren't they?
Anyway, so man, this week I feel quite liberated and I feel sort of unfettered because I cancelled all my social networking accounts.
I say all of them.
There were only two.
You know, I heard about that.
Some people on my MySpace page were talking about that.
Yeah, a lot of high-powered chat goes on on my Myspace page.
All the most important global issues have been dissected.
Adam Buxton's cancelled his Myspace page!
Yeah, so I cancelled it.
I just thought, what is the point?
I tried to cancel my Myspace page about six months ago, and I had to go through so many flipping stages that I just lost patience and gave up.
And I actually thought I had cancelled it and then I stumbled across it again and there it was still.
So I really killed the heck out of it this time and it's gone.
And also Facebook I got rid of finally.
No, you're obsessed with Facebook though.
I got rid of it.
I'm not obsessed by it.
No, I was curious about it.
You were obsessed by it.
You went on and there was a couple of weeks where you just couldn't stop talking about it.
I tell you why, because I felt like I couldn't get my head round it.
I thought, I'm missing something here.
Everyone's going on about it.
And all these articles being written in weekend papers about it and stuff like that.
And I just didn't get it.
So I stuck with it for as long as I possibly could.
And every time I had something to say about it, I really relished saying it, because I thought, I fit in now.
I fit in with everyone else talking about Facebook.
But it never happened for me, and all that Facebook ever meant to me was getting emails saying Timmy Small Pants has requested you as a friend.
Has he?
Yeah, yeah.
He's a great guy.
His pants are tiny.
Oh, man.
I mean, that's the main thing with Timmy.
I ignored Timmy Small Pants.
I can't believe it.
Because he's big, he's a big guy.
Right, the pants are tiny.
The overall effect is startling.
Oh, I don't believe it.
You have to start a new account just to get with Timmy's small pants.
She'll be his brother Bobby.
Medium hat.
Bobby medium hat.
And Timmy Tiny Pants.
No, Timmy Tiny Pants is his cousin.
Really?
Anyway, you've still got Myspace obviously.
I've still got Myspace, but I have the same problem.
I tell you the problem with Myspace is it kind of turns you into a self-advertising idiot.
It makes you assume by definition that your life is interesting enough for other people to kind of hear about while you're out of the room.
Do you know what I mean?
Right.
It's not as if you're actually telling them face-to-face.
And I don't know, it's a strain.
I haven't blogged on there for a while.
Are you not?
No, I don't.
Maybe I'll close mine down as well.
man i'm really i'm thinking i've got to do a revamp i've either got to go bigger with my blog because i've still got my blog yeah that's true you've got your blog you see i've got to go bigger with the blog or just get rid of the thing altogether no you can't get rid of that Buxton blog Buxton blog people love the Buxton blog it's the only thing it's got me into an awful lot of trouble over the years though yeah but that's well that's you you'll get in that trouble one way or another
with or without the blog, you'll manage it.
It's probably true, that's true.
Now here's a track that you've chosen for us, Joe Cornish.
Yes, now I chose this rather at the last minute before I left.
I didn't really think it through, but it's got some amazing elements to it.
It sounds very beautiful.
It's got a problem though.
It's by a kind of soul singer called Bill Al.
It's got a kind of Earth Mother ramble bit in it, where she talks about, you know, God and nature and stuff like that.
And you hate God and nature, don't you?
Both things I really can't warrant.
Can't be living with.
Um, no, but you'll see what I mean, but the general sample of stuff is really good.
This is Bilal with love poems.
I find myself searching for leg warmers, did you say?
For love poems.
Oh.
That's nice.
It is nice, but then she marches in and makes a mess all over the shop.
Do you know who that reminds me of?
Who?
Galliana.
Well, hmm, Galliana.
They were kind of what?
Mid, mid, early 90s, late 80s, kind of jazz funksters.
Hmm.
They were good for a while.
They were good for a while, but they had a similar kind of problem, didn't they?
Lyrically.
They were connected to the earth in rather a nauseating way.
Yeah, slightly overly sincere.
Yeah, way.
There we go, that's Bill Owl.
With Love Poems, this is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.
We've only got six minutes left of the show.
Excuse me.
That's alright.
Yeah, yeah.
Why did you do that?
Just so relaxed that I just... Right, cleared my throat there and then... There we go.
And then thought, well, a little bit disrespectful to the listeners, so then hence the excuse me thereafter.
Now we have to figure out exactly what our song wars are.
Yeah, exciting news for fans of, you know, episodes of this show where it's more than just non-stop rambling.
Fans of features next week's song wars is coming back.
uh and we're going to battle the songs again and we've decided they're going to be sung in foreign languages, mine's going to be in french, Adam's is going to be in spanish but we've yet to select a kind of theme that the songs can be we were just discussing it we thought maybe they could be sort of instructional language songs kind of lingua phone type types of stuff to teach people phrases that they could use on their summer holes
Yeah.
Or they could maybe be about an exotic lady, a kind of love song to a French or Spanish lady.
Yeah.
What do you think?
Yeah, no, I think that's a good idea.
What about an exotic love song to an actress of that nationality?
A leg.
So I could do mine about, say, Penelope Cruz.
She's the obvious Latin lovely.
Yeah.
I could do mine.
About... Well, it's... Beatrice Dalle.
Beatrice Dalle.
Dalle.
Ooh.
She's sexy.
She's nice.
She's sexy.
I make bazoons.
She doesn't... Yes.
...for songs.
They're enormous.
They're nice.
She's crazy.
Have you seen the film?
She's in... What?
That film.
She's crazy in it.
She's crazy.
She's crazy, that girl.
Yeah.
Is that what we're going to do then?
Yeah, that's what we're going to do.
That's a good idea.
All right.
I'm going to write a love song to Beatrice Dalle in French.
And I'm going to write... It's going to stink.
I'm going to write one to Penelope Cruz, who I don't even love, to be honest with you.
Hey, what if it's so powerful that you end up having Un Romance have a car?
Well, you know, Martin Freeman snogged her, hasn't he?
Really?
In that film he's snogged her, is anybody's game?
If Freeman can have a snog with Cruz, surely I'm allowed one.
Now, that's pretty much it for the show, listeners.
Thank you so much for listening.
It's really nice to be back with you.
Thanks again to Jimmy Carr.
Jimmy Carr?
No, one of the cars.
Man, thanks to Jimmy Carr for all the laughs over the years and for that face.
Yeah.
And for filling the hole that Bob Monkhouse left when he turdly departed.
That's true.
No, thanks to Alan Carr for filling in for us.
We appreciate that.
Thank you, Alan.
And don't forget as well that there's a podcast available of this show, folks.
It's a condensed version of all of all our rambles.
And of course, none of the music is in there.
but it's a nice way of catching up and of course you have the option of listening to the whole thing again for the week after it's transmitted on Listen Again.
Liz Kershaw is coming up next.
Yeah, thanks to everyone who's texted and emailed.
Yeah, and I'm gonna leave you with another choice of mine.
This is another, someone emailed in earlier on and said, the Scott Walker track I played, it is him playing bass on The Old Man Is Back Again.
The Old Man Is Back Again from Scott Fore, so thanks for that.
And here's another track that features a great bit of bass playing.
This is Robbie Krieger playing bass on a track by The Doors, of course, and it's strange days.
We'll see you next week.
Cheers, bye!