Whoa, blimey.
That was Supergrass with Bad Blood.
That's from the new album Diamond Hoo-ha, which is out on Monday, and they were in the Hub on the other day with George Lamb.
I don't know what they were doing with Lamb.
What a hoo-ha about diamonds.
What a hoo-ha.
Maybe they're talking about the film Blood Diamond.
Blood Diamond Who Are.
That's a who are about diamonds.
Well, they could have tied it in somehow.
The Annada DiCaprio Whoing.
If they'd got their timing line.
Yeah.
Anyway, you can watch the video of what happened with them and George Lamb.
Maybe they beat him up.
Who knows?
Or just tickled him.
And you can watch the video online if you go to bbc.co.uk forward slash six music.
Hey, this is Adam.
Hey, this is Joe.
Joe's back.
He's back in the hot seat, in the warm seat.
And I'd like to thank Garth Jennings very much for sitting in so very well.
One or two people said he sounded a bit like me.
Same sort of intonation, but less posh apparently.
Oh really?
Yeah.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
It's good for me, bad for Garth.
It's good to be posh.
It's lovely to be posh.
Nice to be classy.
Yeah.
Well, listen, man, are you gonna be in a position to tell us some fun things about your trip?
One or two, maybe, yes.
Yeah, fantastic.
A bit later on.
Of course, we have to resolve song wars, because even in your absence we had song wars last week.
Me and Garth battled it out, and we'll find out who won in this next half hour, I think.
And of course, we've got great music and text the nation, that kind of thing, coming up later on.
But right now, here's Moby with Run On.
Little Mobly.
Oh, there he goes, Little Mobly.
Mobly, do you enjoy those ads?
Oh, Little Mobly.
Do you like it when Ed Burns says Mobly?
Yes, I like it.
Is that an Irish accent?
Yes, it is.
Little Mobly, slightly Irish.
That's not Mobly, it's Moby.
He's the bald, snooker-kew-headed singer who our producer, Jude, is in love with.
She loves him.
I can't see how that's possible.
Give me a Moby.
He's not a man, he's a hairy baby.
Un-hairy baby.
He's stubbly.
He's a stubbly baby.
Yeah.
He's a, uh, stubby... What's that?
Jude?
It's got hair out!
He's here!
That's... He's here!
That's... Ha-hairy-ham.
Do you know any Moby facts?
I don't know any Moby facts.
I know that he likes to sell his tunes to car companies.
Not anymore.
That's a Moby cliché.
He hasn't done it for ages.
Hasn't he?
Everybody sold their tunes to car companies at one stage or another.
That's true.
You know?
It's true.
I don't know any other Moby facts, no.
If we got, if someone approached us to sell our, one of our stupid songs to a car company from Song Wars.
Oh, like a shot.
Like an absolute shot.
Like a shot, wouldn't hesitate.
What about for a nuclear bomb to advertise a nuclear bomb?
Yes, yes, yes.
Yeah.
To play out of speakers on the nuclear bomb.
Right.
Just to make it extra miserable.
As it fell.
Which one, which song would be good for that one?
Any of them.
Yeah.
So did you listen to last week's show?
I did, yes.
On Listen Again?
So you heard the song wars choices.
That's right.
Just in case any listeners didn't listen, I was away and Adam was co-presenting with Garth Jennings, the video directing genius man.
And you had your own song wars.
You had a song by Bad Dad.
That's right.
A sort of a rap.
Long overdue.
Yeah, I know.
It's surprising that, you know, you've been working creatively with your father for 10 years.
Well, we both have.
That's right.
And, and he's never done the rap.
I know, I couldn't, I mean, I don't think it's the rap, do you know what I mean?
The one that we did, I think we could do a better one and a simpler one.
Garth had his granny.
Garth had his granny singing.
He lives in Chlenethley.
That's right.
And smokes Golden Virginia.
Wonderful description there of her.
It's all you need to know, really, to paint a mental picture.
She loves smoking.
And she was singing Elton John's I'm Still Standing, which meant that we couldn't include it in the podcast, of course, because it's copyright material.
Giving your song an unfair advantage.
Giving it a little bit of a nudge up there, yeah.
So we'll find out what happened, I think maybe after this next song.
Don't you think we'll resolve some wars?
Yes.
And now, did you choose this one, Joe?
Did I?
From Mads?
I did, yeah.
This is a late entry in the Madness canon.
Is it not from their album, Mad Not Mad?
Ooh, really?
Their sort of bleak album.
Yeah.
With like a black and white cover with them silhouetted on Primrose Hill.
Yeah.
It's when they weren't sort of scoring at the top of the charts so regularly.
It stopped being nutty.
Yeah, the nuttiness had gone off a bit.
It was like their mature adult album.
Mmm.
But it's a cover of the Scritty Politi track, The Sweetest Girl.
Well there you go, I can't remember that track.
Yes, yes.
And it's one of those rare covers that's better than the original, possibly.
How are you feeling about Suggs managing to get our house back in another commercial?
Has he?
Yeah.
You know, anything that keeps Suggs in beer and fags is alright as far as I'm concerned.
Exactly.
This is Madness with Sweetest Girl.
Is he saying, I'm loving it there?
Yeah, he was auditioning for the McDonald's advert when he wrote that track originally.
You can't say that phrase anymore, though, of course.
That's copyright infringement now.
He's saying the maddest group in all the world, how could they do this?
How could they do that to us or something?
Uh-huh.
He's complaining about madnesses full from popularity.
Right.
You know, they've taken the nuttiness away from the nutty boys.
They've removed all the nuts.
They've removed their nuts.
Oh, no.
It's nuts.
Now it's time to resolve.
It's time for song wars, the war of the songs
And we've got a special guest on the phone lines, the creator, author of one of the songs.
Garth Jennings is on the line, I think.
Are you there, Garth?
Good morning.
Hey, nice to hear you.
How's it going?
Apparently we sound very similar.
We've got the similar intonation.
Well, I think I accidentally slipped into your slightly breathy voice.
It's a sexy voice to slip into.
You are, aren't you?
You're sort of the Earth.
You run a pet video barrow in East London.
I got quirky ideas, quirky ideas.
Mad little three minute ideas.
Garth, thank you very much for coming and filling in last week.
It was brilliant.
I had the best time.
Well, don't... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't flatter yourself.
It was brilliant.
Oh, yeah.
You're calling yourself brilliant.
He's saying he had a brilliant time.
Oh, okay.
That's right.
I was brilliant, though, too, apparently.
You were brilliant.
My grandma thought so.
It's true.
Your grandma was extraordinary with her singing.
Would you just quickly like to remind the listeners of the song that your granny sang?
Are we allowed to play a bit of it?
No, we don't do that, do we?
We only play the winner.
Okay.
That's the way it is.
It's brutal on songs.
I do think, though, if I had to vote, if I was a guy on the street...
uh i would i'd vote bad dad even though i love grandma what would my grandma did well it's not really fair is it because bad dad was was it on that even though many people may have forgotten he was on the telly no but it's a cracking song i think even if you've never met or seen bad dad before you'd think that was the winner yeah that's very nice of you do you really think that i do i do
Just trying to get some conflict.
He gets a week away, he gets a week off in La La Land.
He comes back, he tries to stir it all.
I'm just trying to stir.
He can't come between us, Ed.
Drama is conflict.
We're solid, baby.
Thanks, man.
Okay, I have the envelope.
Do you want to announce these?
I'd better announce it, otherwise there might be some gibberish folkery.
Here we go.
Cornish has the envelope.
He's opening it.
Oh, look at that.
It's not good for you, I'm afraid, Garth Jennings.
Oh, dear.
That's OK.
You've got a big feature film opening.
Adam's got nothing.
Apart from this Garth you get 10% Adam gets 90% for bad dad.
That's a resounding victory.
Thanks very much Thank you listeners and thank you Garth and let me tell you Garth that that is by no means a humiliating defeat in the canon of song wars
You know people say it's for taking part that counts.
Yeah.
Normally they're lying, right?
Yes, true.
I actually think that the fact that I got my grandma on the radio singing Elton John is a solid gold triumph.
Well, exactly.
Yeah.
And thank you so much once again for helping us out.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Don't forget, listen to that Garth's film Son of Rambo is opening in two weeks now, isn't it?
It's on April the 4th and you have to go and see it or I'll come round your ass when we copy, mate.
With your little ideas in your barrel.
Throw quirky arthes at you.
Cheers Garth, take care.
Bye bye Garth.
And here's our winning song, this is the Bad Dad Rap.
B-triple-A-D-D-A-D, I'm the head of the mother-loving Buxton family.
Children got a problem, they bring it to me.
I don't solve it, but I'm fairly sympathetic.
I've worked many years with the Sunday Telegraph.
They called me travel editor.
It really was a loss.
I travelled the world, from the source to the start, and it paid for my children's education.
Now my children are fully grown I live on the down in a house on my own I drink mid wine like coke you roll And I listen to a little bit of vodka
tidy up the room and fool, get your hair cut.
When are you going to get a decent job?
For goodness sakes, past the court was here.
Yo yo yo yo, who yo yo is this?
I watch TV from time to time, but most of what I see is a mother-loving crime.
Nigel Lawson, that woman is fine, but Ewan McGregor is appalling.
Russell Brown, he's a loathsome creep.
Sabina McCoy, she makes me weep.
Simon Shama, stick him on the heap and don't get me started on complete skin.
Don't push me cos I'm close to the hedge and I'm carrying quite a lot.
There you go, that's the Bad Dad with his rap and that's the Song Wars winner from last week.
That's two in a row, I've won.
That's good, isn't it?
Well done.
You must be feeling pleased as punch.
Yeah, I'm quite... Yeah.
Like little Polly Parrot on her perch.
Yeah, I am actually.
Her feathers all combed.
A big bowl of nuts and some fresh water.
Yeah, I am.
A little Polly Parrot.
That's exactly what I'm like.
Soon you'll be knocked off your perch.
Oh, right.
By the Fist of Cornish.
We've got to figure out what song we're going to do for next week.
It's already been decided.
We decided a couple of weeks ago we were going to do a Kate Nash song.
Kate Nash, did we?
Yeah, do you remember?
We were moaning about playing Kate Nash, and we agreed that we were going to do a Kate Nash song.
We've now said it officially.
It's been recorded in one of the stone tablets.
Sounds like the desperate words of a man who's already done a Kate Nash song.
Sadly, not true.
But I think here in the big British castle, we can't go back on our word.
No, otherwise we'll be fired.
Kate Nash.
Oh lordy, I've got to live for a week in the mind of Kate Nash now.
We have, however, been sent st- are they called stylophones?
Yeah, we've been sent stylophones.
Rolf Harris's, uh, electronic pen-based musical instrument.
Did Rolf actually send them to us?
I doubt it.
Yeah.
Because of our history with Rolf.
Yeah.
But, um, no, we've been sent them so they could come into play.
What about Kate Nash with some stylophone?
Will that work?
Or do you think we should hold us off on the stylophone?
No, I think, I think that could work.
I think Kate is just the kind of madcap creative genius who might use a stylophone on one of her tracks.
You know?
Yes, I do.
Anyway, um, now here's a track that we were actually talking about a couple of weeks ago.
Do you remember we were saying, uh, you don't get many sort of early hip-hop, who, yeah, we were talking about the fact that De La Soul were one of the first people to sample, uh, white groups, and then we thought, oh, actually, you know, Africa Bambata, he, he, he did it a little bit, and he sampled Kraftwerk in this track, of course.
This is Planet Rock.
Africa Bambata and, uh, do you say Bambata?
Bumbata.
Bum.
He likes to barter bums.
That's right.
That's what we established, isn't it?
And the Soul Sonic Force with Planet Rock.
That's the single edit, of course.
Of course!
The album edit goes on for two days.
Tell me something I don't already know.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
For news fans, we've got some news coming up shortly, but first, here's a track from the tubes.
This is Don't Touch Me There!
Here it is, coming up now.
The tubes with Don't Touch Me There.
This is Adam and Joel on BBC6 Music.
Happy Saturday morning, even though you may be aware that the world is ending this weekend.
It's Easter, the time when Christ is due to return, but this year he won't because we've all been naughty.
And as you can see from the weather, it may all be over.
What are you talking about?
Well, it's apocalyptical, isn't it?
The weather was hail yesterday.
Oh, right.
Then sun.
Then it went pitch dark.
It's Al Gore's fault.
It's all Al Gore's fault.
Thanks very much.
But now it's time for the news read by Nicky Cardwell.
That's the Black Keys there with Strange Times.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
It's a Saturday morning.
It's not a very nice day here in London.
I don't know what it's like where you are.
I hope it's nicer, listeners, than it is where we are.
Because it's yucky I cycled in this morning.
You know, I like to cycle whenever I can.
It was one of the most unpleasant cycle journeys I've had for quite a long time.
It was like riding up a vertical
disgusting mountain with water, cold water being blown in my face.
It was grim.
And then last night, I saw some program with Andrew Gilligan, you know, the weapons of mass destruction, whistle blowing dossier man, doing a thing all about how basically, if you cycle in London, you're just gonna get killed at some stage by a lorry, a large lorry, because there's so many more cyclists on the street.
It's gone up 80%.
Mmm, it's a subject I covered in my public transport song some weeks ago.
Is it?
Lyrically, yeah.
I don't know if you remember.
No, I don't.
The song ended with a pion.
Is that a correct word?
A pion.
P-A-E-A-N.
Pion.
To do, you know, about should I buy a bike, but I'll just get squashed by a lorry.
Right, yeah.
That's true.
There you go.
You should have done it, yes.
I know, it was a little bit of a stupid program.
Because the upshot of it was you've got to cycle carefully, which, you know...
Any responsible cyclist could tell you.
Apart from David Cameron, the leader of the Conservative Party spotted running red lights this week.
Bit of a gaff, bit of a boo boo.
No, was he?
Yeah, on his bike.
Turned right when he should have gone left or something like that.
Every cyclist knows that the lights are a guideline.
It's not.
Guidelines.
Guidelines, exactly.
That's what they are.
The sort of concealed logic is that because they're being good for the environment, they should be allowed a little bit of latitude.
That's right.
It's not concealed at all.
Everyone wears that with pride.
Has their little logic jacket, yeah.
No, I agree with you.
Yeah, you feel a little bit indignant.
That's not my opinion.
I'm just saying that seems to be the received idea on the roads.
Yeah.
I think cyclists should obey the law.
I think the law is the law, is it?
Mm-hmm.
I didn't realize the law was the law.
It's not a suggestion.
No, I think it is.
I think that's what I'm saying.
For guidelines, for cyclists, it is more of a guideline than an actual law.
Good news.
Yeah, that is good, isn't it?
You're fired.
Good, good.
Leave the big British castle.
Alright then, I will.
Now, how do you feel about Aer?
I like Aer.
You know they've just released their seminal album Moon Safari.
Again, again, what's ten years ago that it came out?
They came out in the country and it's a classic album and now they put it out again and they popped it out and it's got extra things on there.
L'eusextra.
L'eusextra, and you can listen to them, and there's a one-hour documentary about them, about the two boys, the two men in the band, and I'm sure it's quite boring.
Well, let's imagine it while we listen to them.
This is Sexy Boy.
There you go.
That's air with Sexy Boy.
Holds up very well there, doesn't it?
Even though it's 10 years old, which is very, very old indeed.
Past it, over the hill.
These days when you're 10,
It's over.
It's over the hill.
Best years are behind you.
Give up.
Do something else.
Give up.
Exactly.
And if you haven't made it by the time you're 10, you're not a Hollywood superstar, then forget it.
Forget about it.
Get a job.
You'll never make it into Heat magazine.
Exactly.
And then your life's just worthless, like a worthless, worthless worm wrapper.
This is Adam and Joe on BBC six music and my name's Joe Cornish and I'd like to launch an official complaint What's your problem?
I don't think I'm alone with this complaint In fact, I turned on the telly this morning and is he called Phil Vickery the chef from daytime telly?
Oh yeah.
Someone, either him or someone of his ilk, was on breakfast TV complaining about the same thing.
Just the general standard of Easter eggs.
Oh, right.
It's Easter weekend.
Yeah.
Easter eggs.
If you go into a major supermarket, there are literally entire aisles, like walls of a fortress built of Easter eggs.
Mostly Cadbury and Nestle.
They're the two chief egg manufacturers, although other eggs are available.
But they seem to have pretty much cornered the market.
uh in eggs and what a delicious market it is too what a tasty tasty overpriced over packaged market it is what the thing that really annoys me about easter eggs and adam and i've talked about this before is since when is it satisfactory to mount the sweets beside the egg right when we were children when i was young
Easter eggs would have stuff inside them yes in a little packet sure but it was that it was the end that's what eggs are about exactly when God made eggs he made them as containers for something he did not mount the yolk beside the shell in a plastic vacuum park yeah no he didn't know but now the big corporations
are messing with our eggs.
They're messing with nature.
They're not content to pass a stem cell embryo, Bill.
They're messing with chocolate eggs as well.
Yeah.
On top of the human ones.
Yeah.
By mounting the sweets on the outside.
Chocolate stem cells would be nice, come to think of them.
Imagine.
Delicious.
For instance, Smarties Easter egg.
A hollow egg, two tubes of Smarties mounted beside it.
Yes, it is great.
Has there been recent legislation about this?
Because, I mean, certainly, in my recent memory, the buttons egg had, like, a little sachet of buttons inside it.
Is that no longer the case?
I can't be specific about eggs, but maybe some listeners can tell us, as far as I know, the vast majority of eggs now have the contents mounted beside them.
I bet it's anti-terror legislation.
Well, let's think what it could be.
Anti-terror legislation, in case the terrorists are trying to put bombs in the eggs.
Because they would do that.
They would stop at nothing.
That's exactly the thing they do.
An enterprising terrorist?
That's devious.
The easter egg would be top of his list.
Infiltrate cabri- Hey guys!
I've had a good idea!
You know easter eggs.
What nationality's that terrorist?
He's from all over there.
He travels around.
I've had a good idea!
You know easter eggs?
We could put bombs in there!
He's German.
He's from all over the area.
It doesn't take much to get into cabries.
No.
Just a white coat, white hat, one of those white face masks.
Egg inspector.
That's what you say.
As you go, and inspecting your eggs.
And you're in.
Pop a bomb in.
Bish bash bosh.
That's it.
Easter Sunday as well.
You know, sensitive day.
That is a sensitive day.
You wouldn't want a bomb to go off on Easter Sunday.
Bad, bad, bad business.
Another reason could be that children these days don't understand the meaning of concealing things.
You know, if they can't see the sweets, they don't believe they're there.
They have to be mounted beside in a presentational manner.
It sort of goes against the idea of faith in itself, really, doesn't it?
Absolutely, yeah.
Jesus would have wanted the sweets inside.
Exactly.
A faith in the egg.
And then sometimes he wouldn't have even put sweets inside.
And when people complained, he would have said, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Sent them to hell.
And sent them directly to hell.
Do not pass go.
Exactly.
Now he would have said, listen, you've got to have a little bit of faith.
Maybe the next egg might have some buttons in there.
Yeah.
Or some smarties.
And since when are you allowed to package eggs in plastic vacuum packs?
They used to be in cardboard, didn't they?
They used to be a lovely folded bit of cardboard with an egg-shaped hole that would sit diagonally in the box.
And within it, the Easter egg would sit, and it would be fun to have a bit of your egg, then reconstruct it, see if you could make it whole again,
wrap it in the tinfoil again and sort of puff the tinfoil out so it said it was the illusion of having a whole egg.
Put it back in the cardboard thing, put it in the correct position in the box, it's as if you've got a whole new Easter egg again.
Right.
Can't really do that anymore.
So my plea to anybody who's associated with Easter egg manufacturing is just pull your fingers out, rewind, put the sweets inside the egg
make the whole package cardboard.
And maybe even try some new ideas, because I haven't seen any innovations recently in the supermarket shelves.
I'm thinking, you know, Easter egg innovations.
You could have so many movie tie-ins.
Well, I mean, the Mr. Trick, when they released all the Alien films a few years back, they could have big chocolate Easter eggs there with- There could have been a Passion of the Christ Easter egg.
Chocolate Aliens in there.
Just full of jam.
What strawberry jam?
That's a really nice story.
That's a great film.
You know, Mel, I'm sure would have been on that.
He would have been on that.
He was probably stopped, luckily.
He would have had it full of liqueurs at the last minute.
Okay, here's a track that I've picked for you listeners, and this is a classic by Talking Heads, which I, you know, I loved this for years and years before I got into the crazy world of TV, Joe.
Right.
And this is all about making a TV show, you know what I mean?
Like a couple who argue over watching TV and then they say, well, why don't we do like a TV show all about us and about our lives?
It's sort of pre-imagining, if that's the word, sort of prescient about the whole world of reality TV.
And this was from about, when would this have been?
1978 or 79 maybe? 78?
This is from the Talking Heads album, more songs about buildings and food, and it's called Found a Job.
That's CSS.
What does CSS stand for again?
Can say deserve sexy.
What, mate?
Can say deserve sexy.
Yeah, that's what it stands for.
What she said.
Can say.
Tired.
Deser of being sexy.
Oh.
They're Brazilian, aren't they?
They're from Brazil.
Well, I would think that a band like that, I just don't believe that they're that talented.
What are you saying, that it's all sequenced?
Yeah.
really like those buskers that just have it all recorded and then play that I think they sang live over you know they just plugged in that's what I would do Gideon wouldn't stand for that I'm not putting them down I'm just saying Gideon can tell that kind of thing you know there's a certain amount of skill I'm sure that went into constructing all those loops and samples and playing over them and sequencing them and everything but then once you've done that it's probably written by Chesney Hawkes he writes most of the pop songs these days because he sells them to other groups Chesney and Howard Jones they write all the songs
It's true.
Is it?
It is.
Did you find everything you're looking for today?
That's what they say in HMV, isn't it?
That's what they say everywhere now.
Do they?
Yeah, they say it in Xavi now as well.
Do they?
Do you find everything you're looking for today?
Yeah, have you ever said, would you like a copy of Garden State for £4?
Yeah.
Here's the other thing they said.
You spent over £20, so anything in front of you is £4.
Karl Pilkington's Little Book of Worries?
For £2?
Have you ever said, because every time they say, did you find everything you're looking for, the answer was always no.
No, my answer is yes.
The true...
You who?
Yes, you.
You spotty man.
Take off your... Take off your promotional t-shirt, you spotty man.
I want to see your pale pink nipples.
Let me rub your lung fluff.
Glittering flesh stars in the constellation of your hairy chest.
I want to touch your sallow skin.
Pull down your stinky jeans.
Reveal your strange pale blue boxer shorts with a picture of Mickey Mouse on the bum.
have you ever said to them that no I didn't find what I was looking for can you please help me because then presumably they would just go you know what would they do then they go I didn't mean I was just saying exactly so what couldn't you find I couldn't find an album by the Walker brothers that I want to listen to
Have you tried looking in the Walker Brothers section?
That's what it would, that's what would happen.
Nothing more spectacular than that.
You know what I mean?
Like, they, they, they ask you the question as if some kind of robot is gonna come and, uh, okay, well, we'll, we'll find Findox, uh, we'll call up Findox.
He's gonna come on.
You have activated Findox, because you said you could not find something that you were looking for.
I will help you find it.
And I'll Findox.
Looks at the Walker Brothers section.
No, we haven't got it.
Is there anything else I can help you with?
I like the sound of Findox, you know?
But I don't believe they do have Findox.
I just don't think they've got anything.
Did you know that since they started asking customers, have you found everything you're looking for?
Their profits have gone up by 24.6%.
Have they?
Across the board.
That's great.
That's a good statistic.
Isn't that amazing?
Yeah.
I mean, I made that up, but it could be true.
Yeah.
I mean, it probably is true.
It must be true.
Because a lot of people can't find what they're looking for in record stores.
What do you think they would say if Bono came up?
Uh... Yeah.
Record then?
Come on!
Get another five minutes out of that.
Uh, here is the muse!
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
Yes, it's Text the Nation time, the nation's favourite feature as voted for by readers of Chit Chat magazine, a non-existent magazine that didn't do a poll, but we're trying to simulate an atmosphere of excitement and importance around this thing.
Yeah, exactly.
And it's won an award as well, I think this feature.
It has won an Oscar.
It's won an Oscar.
It won the Oscar for Best Special Effects.
It's not Oscar, it's not like an Academy Award, it's spelt slightly differently.
Yeah, with a K and an A-A-A-H at the end.
But it's won one of those Oscars.
And this week on text donation We are talking about cop shows.
Yeah.
Now.
This is a fun thing to do.
I'm sure you guys do it prove it You know listeners because one fun thing to do For example, everyone knows is to make up names of bands that don't exist like make up new band names That's a fun thing to do
Another thing I think is, which is fun, is to make up new cop show ideas, right?
And that's what we're gonna be doing today on Text the Nation, because Lord alone knows there's no shortage of ridiculous, stupid new cop shows on TV with ludicrous titles.
And just when you think there couldn't be anything more stupid, a new, stupider cop show will come along.
And specifically, I'm thinking about a show that's being trailed at the moment, which is called... I think it's called Moonlight?
And it's about a vampire cop.
And just, you know, I was thinking, a vampire cop, are you serious?
And this is hot on the heels of Dexter, who's the serial killer cop.
Have you seen that one?
Yeah, he kills others.
He only kills serial killers, though.
He kills, that's right, yeah.
What does that do with your moral compass?
Oh, sends it spinning.
Spinning.
All the way to the sofa for an appointment to view.
Anyway, that's Dexter, uh, Moonlight, and I was thinking, vampire cop, that is ridiculous!
A little quick search on the internet reveals that that is only, it's about the third vampire cop TV show.
I'm sure.
There's been Blood Ties, Forever Night, uh, Angel, as well.
Um, all, more or less, uh, vampire or supernatural cops.
And, of course, other cop shows in the genre, there's the OCD Cop.
Who's that?
Oh, Monk.
Monk, of course.
The OCD cop, the robot cop, apart from robot cop.
We're talking TV cops here, right?
So we're not going into movie cops, apart from, obviously, Robocop.
There was a Robocop TV show as well, I think, wasn't there?
Sure there was.
But other robot cops, can you remember any others?
Oh, 619, that robot cop.
He's a real one.
That's a great show.
Holmes and Yo-Yo.
homes and yo-yo not making this up remember homes and yo-yo uh that would have been early 80s late 70s don't remember that one i don't think it lasted very long uh homes and yo-yo one of them was a robot cop and the and his partner didn't realize he was a robot for quite some time it was yo-yo
Uh, I think it was... Because it was probably an acronym.
Yeah.
YO, YO.
I think you might be right there.
For what?
I... I can't imagine.
Um... People could suggest... What that would be.
There's only one word in the alphabet that begins with Y. But, uh, Yo-Yo was very uptight.
Yogurt.
Um, and, uh, Yo-Yo was very uptight as a cop, you know what I mean?
And it turned out that the reason was because he was a robot.
Anyway, other, other, um, let's see.
Of course, there's the gardening detectives.
Uh, Rosemary and Thaim.
Rosemary and Thaim, yeah.
Um, so we want you guys out there, you folks, our friends, our listener friends, to suggest new ideas for cop shows.
Crazy new ways.
There's a lot of money in it.
If you can work out the correct cop show formula, and you send it to the big British castle,
If it's good, and it only needs to be one line, it could fit in the text.
If it's good, you'll be commissioned instantly.
Yeah.
Within weeks, it'll be on air.
That's a guarantee.
And if it's not the Big British Castle... This is not a guarantee.
Then ITV1 or two or three or four will take it.
Or more four.
Well, a lot of these cop shows... Or five.
A lot of these cop shows are showing on all kinds of strange little digital channels, you know what I mean?
So there's all sorts of places you could get your new ridiculous cop show.
So we want a one-sentence synopsis of the cop show plus a pithy title.
Have you got any ideas there, Jack?
I've got lots, but what I'd like to do is pitch them to you.
Right.
As if you're a commissioning editor.
Yeah.
But maybe we should have a bit of music first.
Okay.
Just to even the load.
Is this my free play now?
Oh, it's not fair, is it?
Oh, this is We Are Scientists, with After Hours back with more textination after this.
Oh, it's a little bit abrupt.
It's quite rude the way that just ended there.
Just left in the middle of things.
Just, you know, I was showing off, jumping around, getting into it there, singing along, and then just an arrogant song.
very arrogant conceited you know I saw we are scientists do you remember one time they were on the Brits or something and they did a little video message because they couldn't be there to collect some award or right maybe it wasn't the Brits who was some award ceremony they seemed very arrogant just like that song very arrogant bunch I'm sure they're lovely and that's very good that's called after hours by we are scientists dude do you love them
That's a new one tomorrow on the six music chart you can listen to on this very station from from 2 p.m.
Very rude 40 like Polly parrot sitting in her cage I don't know I'm ill Okay cop shows it's text the nation.
We're asking you for your high concept TV detective shows Did someone say that to you this week or something?
No
Joe Cornish, you're like Polly Panett sitting in a cage.
You know what the truth is?
I didn't sleep last night at all.
Oh, cos you're all jet lagged.
I'm all jet lagged.
I slept for 12 hours on Thursday night.
He's a jet slag.
When's the last time you slept for 12 solid hours?
Never.
I haven't done that for years.
I was amazing.
What kind of dreams did you have?
I dreamt about the new issues of Edge Magazine and Empire Magazine.
Genuinely.
And the next morning, my dream came true.
I went out and bought them.
Oh, to have dreams.
Oh, to have dreams that can come true so simply.
True story.
And yeah, but then last night, didn't sleep at all.
Right.
Not a wink.
I dreamt, I had a dream like a, it was sort of like Sweeney Todd.
And I was Sweeney Todd, right?
And I was going around collecting.
Was it a dream?
I was collecting chavs and I was getting them drunk and then I was murdering them and making them into sushi.
What does that mean?
It means you're awful.
It means I'm awful, doesn't it?
You're someone who would be hunted by the type of TV cop we're about to discuss, says Joe, bringing it all the way round again.
Was it human sushi?
Chav sushi.
Chav's is very, very snobbish.
Polyparrot.
Isn't it though?
On your perch.
So here are some ideas I'm going to pitch now to Adam for new high concept cop shows.
Are you ready?
I am.
Okay, I'm going to get through them quite quickly.
Skycops!
Two skydiving cops patrol the sky for baddies who are attempting to escape from planes by skydiving.
Whenever they get near the ground, they just arc their bodies and zoom upwards again in search of more crime.
That's good.
Can skydivers do that?
They always do that on telly.
They can do it if they're still in the air.
They can't go back up again.
Can't they?
Because they do that.
In James Bond films, skydivers on telly and films seem to be able to go up and down willy-nilly.
They don't actually go up.
What they do is they stop dropping quite so fast, so it appears that they're going up.
I'm not sure about that.
I'm pretty sure.
In my show they can go up.
No, there's gravity.
Okay, well, so you don't want that one.
I've got some doubts about that one.
Lots of these.
Speak faster.
You can try another one.
The Siamese detective.
Siamese twins, good cop, bad cop.
Disguises.
I like it.
Yeah?
The S you can have that one.
That's commissioned.
Is that commissioned?
Roller cops next week.
Roller cops.
In the 70s, roller skates.
Seems a little bit self-consciously hit, yeah.
I really like that one.
I really like it.
Is that a commission?
How about this one?
Body swapped with a worm.
Very slow investigation of garden-based murders.
Communicates by forming letters and numbers with his body, a bit like in the diving bell and the butterfly.
Series two, he gets cut in half, the other half becomes a psychic.
That's nice.
Sergeant Wiggle.
I think that would be good for children as well, Sergeant Wiggle.
Possibly for children.
What sort of crimes, though?
Just leaving things out.
Yes, exactly.
Pesticides, that kind of thing.
Bumper car cops.
So is Sergeant Wiggle a goer?
Yes, that's been commissioned.
Bumper car cops.
They patrol funfares and enforce bumper car rules.
Many car chase sequences which always last exactly four minutes.
I don't think you need to call it bumper car cops.
I think just bumper cops.
Bumper cops.
I like it.
That's why you're in the job you're in.
Yeah.
That's an interesting editor.
I get paid a lot of money.
Okay, another one?
Yes, I've commissioned that one as well.
I'm doing well, I've got four.
I'm gonna put bumper cops on Wednesday nights.
It'll be very well there.
Actually, I'm gonna put it on Thursdays instead of Mitchell and Webb.
Really?
Yeah, even though I like Mitchell and Webb, but I'm gonna put bumper cops on first.
Crops.
It's an acronym.
CROPS.
Farm, please.
Nice.
Central, rural, operational, police service.
Combine harvester chase, fistfight in pigsty, etc.
very good crops crops and you can have a bit like witness you can have a lot of denouement in silos silos lots of being drained by grain grain silos one more grain is crops a goer i'm commissioning crops one more night sticks this is tea what this is teenage uh cops it's like skins but with the police night sticks aka on the beat
Okay, because they're dancing.
Teenage cop trainees sleep with each other and take drugs a lot like skins.
Night sticks.
I like it.
And they can have those glow sticks, you know?
Yeah, they could.
It's mainly, you know, relating to their willies.
Oh, okay.
Night sticks.
Yes.
Who calls their willy their night stick?
Young policeman.
Okay, is that a commission?
Yes, I've commissioned that one as well.
I've got about five commissions there.
You've got a heavy raft of commissions.
There's more.
Congratulations.
Well, let's hear some more, because I've got a few as well that I'd like to pitch to you.
Let's hear some more after this track, which you've chosen for us.
Yeah, this is one I've played before.
One of our favourite musicians in the world, Adam and I, is a man whose language we don't understand and whose name we can't pronounce without constantly getting complaints every time we pronounce it.
It's spelled E-U-R-O-S, childs.
I pronounce it A-R-O-S.
A-R-O-S.
U-R-O-S.
I don't think even he knows how to say it.
I would put an A capital A and then R-O-S.
A-R-O-S.
If you're listening in Wales, please tell us how to pronounce his name correctly, and please also tell us what the title and lyrics of this song mean.
It's called...
It says Joe Cashley.
Our a-hole.
Sounds a bit rude.
A-U-R.
I'm sure it isn't.
And then Hall.
By Eros Childs.
This is a beautiful song, anyway.
Here it is.
Yeah, Eros Childs.
Skipping a little bit there at the beginning, but just imagine that was a hot chip remix of Our a-hole by Oros Childs.
And forgive us for mispronouncing his name and the name of the song.
And if you're Welsh, you can please enlighten us via email.
Which album is that from?
That's from, uh, um... Oh, no, um... Chops?
No, the one after it.
Uh, Bor... What's it called?
Um... Come on, come on, come on.
Borah.
We'll look it up.
Yeah.
We'll figure it out.
Yeah.
Don't you worry, dear.
Now, we're in the middle of text donation, ladies and gentlemen.
We're gonna be reading out some of your texts in the next half hour, but now it's my turn to pitch a few of my, uh, new cop show ideas to Joe.
I haven't got that many.
It's called Borah, isn't it?
Boredah, yeah, there you go, I think that's right.
So I was thinking about, I was thinking about a tramp cop, yeah?
Yes.
And he's called Sergeant Vagrant.
Nice.
Right?
Yeah.
And he just goes around, he's got an alternative lifestyle, you know, and throughout the series you would find out little bits and pieces of information about how he came to be on the streets, you know.
So it's got like quite a serious little undertow to the whole thing.
Right.
But he's, you know, working within the homeless community and stuff and solving murders and stuff.
It's quite a serious show, but it's got a fun title.
Sergeant Vagrant.
Yes.
Does he have a catchphrase?
A hook.
It'd be good to have a hook, wouldn't it?
You know, Kojak's got his lolly.
Could you lend us Ted B for a cup of tea?
That's his catchphrase, yes.
I mean, he's struggling with alcoholism and all kinds of problems, because he's a real vagrant, you know, he's not, uh, undercover.
That's the thing.
You would think that maybe he was undercover, but he's not.
He's actually, uh, homeless.
So that's Sergeant Vagrant.
What are you... Will you commission it?
Uh, no, I won't.
Oh.
Because it's too depressing.
Is it?
I tell you what I will do, though.
No, but it would be not depressing.
You know, he would, it would be inspiring.
And it wouldn't be a realistic portrayal of what it's like to be homeless.
Don't worry about that.
It wouldn't be depressing in that way.
It would be very upbeat, and it would make out like all homeless people are inspirational.
You're babbling.
And they're out there by their own choice.
Why don't you speak to Jane McTurnbull?
She's, uh, head of the community.
I spoke to Jane McTurnbull.
She said it was a grotesque idea.
Kick me out.
She's head of the communities and charities division, programming department.
Alright then.
Speak to her.
That's not a mainstream idea.
How about this one?
Ghost Cop.
And it's called Haunter.
and he's called Haunter and Mike Haunter.
Mike Haunter?
Yes, he was shot in a raid.
He was shot in a raid.
And now he's come back to solve the crime.
And then after he solved that, he's gonna solve other crimes.
Haunter.
Mike Haunter.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
That's his catchphrase.
Feels a bit pate.
What?
Got any worm based ideas?
I commissioned.
Oh, Mr Wiggles I commissioned.
off you.
Yeah, Sergeant Wiggles, Detective Wiggles, whatever it was.
Sergeant Wiggle.
And you're not a commissioning haunter.
You've been fired from your commissioning job.
Now the boot's on the other foot and you're not doing very well.
Alright then, what about this?
Um, a bit like Charlie's Angels, this would be, right?
Model Cops.
And it's called Pretty Please.
Yep, keep talking.
That's it.
That's all I've got.
I like it.
Pretty please.
I like it.
Can Amanda Holden be in it?
Yes, she can.
It's on.
You've got yourself a commission.
She can be the hard-bitten, um, you know, Detective Inspector.
Chief Inspector.
Amanda Holden.
They've got to report to Amanda Holden at the end of each episode.
Chief Inspector.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Chief Inspector.
I like that.
Write that down.
So that's all I had for you.
That's all you got.
Sergeant Vagrant.
No.
Haunter?
You're not commissioning Haunter.
Haunter's too derivative.
No.
Derivative of what?
Of other shows about ghost cops.
There's none.
I'm sure there are.
I don't believe there are any.
I've done my research.
Yeah, apart from Randall and Hopkirk this season, all the other ones, there's none.
Keep your ideas coming in, listeners.
We've got loads of really good ones already.
Text 64046 or email adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk with your high-concept cop show ideas.
If they're even slightly good, they're bound to be on the BBC before you can say...
I don't know, poo pants.
Yeah.
Now, for fans of news, it's time for the news.
That's Great DJ by Ting Tings.
Uh, I just assumed Ting Tings were both about 12, but they're not actually.
Like, there's a bloke and a blonde lady.
That's what Ting Tings are, right?
They're both grown adults.
The bloke is definitely grown adults.
The lady is in her early or mid-twenties, I believe.
And that's not young enough, I don't think.
You know, to be in the charts, that's ludicrous.
That's ludicrous.
They're way over age.
Now we're going to return to Text-o-Nation in just a short while and we'll be reading out some of your texts and emails on the subject of new cop shows.
Can I just tell the listeners that the Oros Childs album that that track was off of is Borda.
Borda.
Yeah.
And yeah, very good album.
And he's got an even more recent one as well, hasn't he?
Has he?
There was one afterboard, Darr.
He's very prolific.
Oh, that's right, with all the sort of... Was that the one with the flowers on it?
Yeah.
It's hard to keep up with.
And they're all good.
All worth getting.
So while I was in Los Angeles, I went to see a film that's out here in the UK.
It's called Ten Thousand B.C.
Oh, now this is the guy that did Day After Tomorrow and Independence Day and Stargate and all that sort of business, Roland Emmerich.
He's made some of the worst films of all time.
Well, you might say that, or you might say he's made some of the best films of all time, depending on whether
that he likes his films on.
That would be another way of looking at it.
He famously made the most expensive student film ever.
Oh right.
I forget what it was called, as usual on this show.
We tend to forget what everything's called.
But it was a massively expensive science fiction epic.
Yeah.
He made almost feature length, I think, while he was at film school.
And then he was catapulted to stardom with his exciting film Stargate.
And he's got a new one now.
And it's all about cavemen.
Is it a remake of the other film?
No, no, no.
It stars cavemen and ladies, and it's always difficult to name them, isn't it?
If you're writing a script.
Well, do they, first question, they're not speaking English, presumably?
Yes, they are speaking English.
It's a kind of big mishmash.
It's so stupid that it's misguided to try and hold it up to any kind of historical reality.
Because I think the other 10,000, there was another 10,000 BC, wasn't there, with Barbara Bach, wasn't it?
Uh, was there?
Oh, I can't remember.
There was something like that.
There was a film very similar, and they didn't even... I mean, it was rubbish, but they didn't... Maybe I'm thinking of Quest for Fire with Naomi Campbell.
But they didn't speak English in that, I don't think.
Quest for Fire, you're right.
They invented a kind... They spoke a kind of invented language.
Yeah, that's correct.
But there are lots of other... Yeah, there are lots of other caveman films, but this is quite the stupidest of all time.
What would your caveman name be?
Do you think if you were a caveman?
Well, the obvious ones are, you know, Ugg and Grunty.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
Mine would be... Well, the lead in 10,000 BC, his name is...
Spelt D apostrophe, L-E-H, bleh, which is almost meh, meh, or duh, brain.
Well, someone, if there's someone called bleh, then there will be someone called neh.
They don't turn up in the film.
His girlfriend is called Evolie.
Oh... It's beautiful name.
Your name is beautiful.
Beautiful name.
I have not heard that one before.
Put sausage in pocket.
They don't say that.
Another character is called Tick Tick.
Tick, tick, is he fun?
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,
And the baddie's just called Warlord.
Yes, no he's not.
He is Warlord.
They're very clean cavemen in 10,000 BC.
And do they talk a bit like this in the film?
Yes, they say things like, we are tired, we sleep here.
Yeah, and the four-legged monsters are approaching.
Yeah?
Yeah.
It's not very good dialogue, is it?
No.
And you will always be in my heart.
Oh, so they've worked out hard.
They speak like they're on the OC.
Yeah.
It's very all over the place.
They've got very white teeth.
They've all got hair like Lenny Kravitz.
They worship the girl with the blue eyes.
Right.
It's a bit racially suspicious, this film.
Is it?
It is, yeah.
All blind people and old people in the film have powers of prophetic visions.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, that's very Roland Emmerich thing as well All right, but the point of this whole thing is is to warn people not to see it Just don't see it because my wife was very excited by the prospect.
She loves the loincloth.
She loves loincloth She likes prime.
She fights primeval civilization.
That's why she married you exactly right to live in a time that seems like the dawn of man
She likes a kind of basic form of human.
Such a gin pocket.
Hairy man.
That is why she likes me.
Now, I think she was excited about it because I think she thought she was going to get a bit of a mix of romance, but not much.
You wouldn't have to think very hard.
True.
There'd be some action and some beautiful vistas.
It would be cinematic and spectacular.
Are those things not true?
Yeah.
Well, it's certainly spectacular.
Has he not got any good bits?
Because all his films have got good bits.
No, there's one new thing he's got, which is mammoths.
Mammoths stampede.
Mammoths helping you build the pyramids.
It all going tits up on the pyramids and the mammoths stampeding.
That's it.
It's awful.
Mammoths.
Don't watch it.
No, I wasn't hired on my list.
Don't help them.
No.
You know?
Exactly.
How much did it cost?
10,000 BC.
10,000 BC?
That's the unit of currency in the end of times.
And in modern money.
That's a lot, isn't it?
That's a lot.
Yeah.
Yeah, but don't worry, it's all cartoons.
Oh, none of the mammoths are real.
It's the stupidest film I've ever seen.
Oh wow, and you've seen a lot of stupid films.
Yeah, I couldn't even bring myself to make sarcastic comments to my friend.
That's how insulting it was.
You sat right the way through it.
Yeah.
Man, what are you doing going to see 10,000?
Relaxing.
You must have been so bored.
Uh, did you have, what kind of snacks did you have?
Goobers.
Yeah.
I always have the goobers.
What are goobers?
Chocolate-covered peanuts.
Ohhh, goobers.
Can't get them in the UK.
I go for those nice minty ones.
You know, with the soft mint centre and the chocolate round the outside.
I forget what they're called in America.
Mints.
I'll remember.
Now, here's Adam and the Ants.
This is an old one, isn't it?
Car trouble!
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
Do you know what?
No.
I think our listeners have just got used to us getting everything wrong.
Right.
We've got four things completely wrong so far.
What have we got wrong?
Unable to come up with the names of albums.
Yeah.
Just facts.
Well that's not getting it wrong so much it's just not knowing.
Usually we get one or two gnarkey texts.
Haven't got any.
Well, that's okay.
I'd say it's a good thing.
I think the listeners have got used to a certain level of ill-informed-d-d-d-d-d-tiveness.
Well, you know, the other thing might be that there's just no one listening because it's Easter weekend.
It takes the pressure off, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Now it's text the nation time and we asked you if you recall just talking to me Yeah, I am thanks to send us in ideas for new cop shows We want the more ridiculous the better, you know, and we need a description of the cop show and the title I suggested sergeant vagrant and a bucket of cold scorn was porn or poured all over it porn It was porn actually that was thinking there's got to be some kind of porn cop as well, you know Yeah, but it wouldn't be suitable for this program would it not really as they morning you have fun with all the titles though
You could.
But that's for another show, apparently.
Here's one that's come in from Akira in Grimsby.
Okay, this is just a very punny one to kick us off.
Yes.
My idea for a cop show is a Spanish cop who is also a Hollywood director.
He arrests very bad men and then makes millions from his own movie adaptations of their crimes.
We all know you can make an extra 50% profit by sticking a Based on Real Events line on a poster.
The show is called Francis Ford Cop Hola.
Yeah?
Yeah, you don't pronounce the H of course.
Coppola.
That's all you need.
That's true.
Coppola.
So it works perfectly.
Yeah, this is from Cheryl and Clive.
That's a good one, Akira.
A cop show idea.
A postman and a fireman who are undercover cops that sort through mail looking for bombs.
It would be called Post Fire.
Post fire.
Post man.
Fire man.
Bombs in letters.
Post fire.
What does post fire mean though?
It's just an exciting amalgam of words.
Right.
Post fire.
Come on.
No.
That's pretty good.
Pete in Edinburgh.
Bin men cops.
The show is called Taking the Trash Out.
Mmm, it's just taking out the trash.
Okay, ready for another one?
Oh, that was it.
That's just a hard, fast, you know, it's a quick pitch.
I like that one though, that's good.
You could go through all the rubbish for clues and stuff.
There's all sorts of things.
And they look nice, you know, bin men.
Martin Intimpoli has a copper who solves crimes whilst constantly fiddling with his music player, I Plod.
pretty good.
That's good.
Here's an anonymous one.
Keep Off the Grass is the name of the show.
It's a show about a cop who is not only a grass, but also a gardener and an illicit drug smoker.
Well, wasn't Andrew Collins' cop show a little bit like that grass, you know?
Was that a cop show?
I think it had elements.
Possibly.
Here's one of my favorites.
It's anonymous again.
But it's brilliant, a one-eyed private eye, bringing justice to the mean streets of mythical Greece.
Private one-eye?
Clops.
Clops?
Yeah.
It could even be PSI clops.
I think that would be good.
Psychic cyclops.
Cyclops.
I like that one.
That's very good, isn't it?
Can you get Ray Harryhausen?
Is he still alive?
Yes, he is.
He just moves a little gently.
Yeah, takes ages.
Um, to get him moving.
But, um, that's good.
That's good, isn't it?
That's brilliant.
And someone else suggested, actually, when I was talking about, uh, Sergeant Vagrant, of course, a better name for the, uh, Homeless Cop Show would be Hobo Cop.
That's true, that would be a better name, you know?
What about, uh, this from Chef John Twitcher?
A bird-watching detective who spots crimes through his binoculars in areas of outstanding natural beauty and aviaries.
That's perfect for the BBC.
Twitcher.
Yeah, you could have Odie in a sort of minor supporting role as the Chief, maybe.
Yeah.
Uh, it could be sponsored by the National Trust.
And it's all undercover, he goes around and is like... One minute at beautiful rare chaffinch.
Uh-huh.
The next minute at violent stabbing.
Exactly.
Bang.
No, that is a good idea.
That is a good idea.
Twitcher.
I mean, if you've got Rosemary and Thyme, sure.
Sure.
Why is it called Twitcher?
Because that's a euphemism for birdwatching.
Is it?
They're called Twitchers, yeah.
Didn't realise that.
Yeah, you know, if they commissioned Rosemary and Thyme, they'll commission Twitcher, surely.
bird-watching, because that would be nice.
That would be nice, because there's two types of show.
There's a sort of evening cop show that's a little bit violent and dark.
Maybe the vampire, the Dexter type thing would be, would fit into that evening.
And they're sort of family murders.
Exactly.
And then there's afternoon shows like the one with Dick Van Dyke, where he's a little bit like Quincy, you know, and he's a pathologist or something like that.
Interfering old ladies.
sort of thing.
That's right.
And it's a good place for actors to get some work as well, you know?
Everyone does those shows every now and again.
It keeps actors alive.
Dave G suggests a show called Little Wonder.
A cop gets shot and is somehow sent back in time to 1997, where they have to deal with a foul-mouthed commander whilst being followed by a David Bowie lookalike, trying to fob a drum and bass project, all to a classic Britpop soundtrack.
Well, that's practically life on Mars, isn't it?
But with Bowie in it.
Good to actually get... Because life on Mars, of course, and Ashes to Ashes are inspired by Bowie tracks.
I like this idea of actually getting Bowie to play a cop, though.
Marking Wiggins got a similar idea.
Retired pop superstar sings the hits and catches the bad guys Bowie's Law.
Well, Bowie did an album called Outside, which was about an art cop.
It had a- did it have a crazy video game tied into it?
Was that the same thing?
Yeah, and what was the name of the cop?
We gotta find out these facts, cause the facts were ludicrous, even when the album came out, I remember chuckling about them.
And, uh, so we'll dig out the facts of what Bowie's Cop was called.
Um, and, and find, uh, and read some more of your texts out after this next track.
Now we're gonna play- are we playing this trail?
Um, and then after the trail is, uh, uh, one of my free plays for you listeners, and it's gonna be a track called Tomi Tomi, uh, by, or maybe Tomi Tomi, by Kanui and Lula.
It's a kind of Hawaiian thing, and it comes from a brilliant compilation that I imagine every ad man worth his salt.
owns, which is called Gimme Dat Heart Boy, the roots of Captain Beefheart, so it's lots of music that either influenced or or seem to inspire Captain Beefheart and it's amazing, it's got an incredible mix of stuff, I really recommend it and the track that you're going to hear after the trail is one of those, Tomitomi by Kanui and Lula.
Now here's the trail!
Tommy Tommy by Kanooie and Lula.
And as I said, that's on a compilation called Gimme Dat Heart Boy, the roots of the captain, I think it's called.
And I'm sure, as I said, you know, that's the kind of thing you could find any number of tracks on there that a dirty advertising man would stick on one of his dirty adverts.
To great effect, I would think.
Uh, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music playing music and talking in between.
What are you doing there, Joe?
Just sorting through some texts and, uh, printing them out.
Oh, damn it.
What's happened now?
Click the wrong thing and now they've all been highlighted.
It's just not my day, I'm gonna have to slip them on again, God.
We were talking about Bowie there just before the track, and his album Outside was a concept album which came out in 96, 95, and it was all about this art cop.
In the future, there's a new bureau that's been created to investigate art crime, right?
And Bowie's character in the album, Nathan Adler,
is going around deciding what is art, what's legitimate art, and what is crime.
Okay, because I think these- he's not sort of saying, that's disgusting, I don't look at the colours on that, no, that's a crime, we're gonna have to- He's not making aesthetic judgments.
No, it's- people are being murdered, you know, and Bowie's notion was like, well, I mean, you've got Damien Hirst cutting up cows, where's it all gonna end?
You know, I mean, if someone wants to create a work of art from a corpse, from a series of murders, who's to say that's not art?
Well, Nathan Adler, he's the one that's to say he's not art or he is art.
He's gonna go around investigating the murders.
And that was the whole concept behind the album.
It was a very dark album.
Do you remember we listened to it right the way through as an experiment?
Did we?
Yeah, when we were doing the pilot for our TV show years and years ago.
Oh, yes.
Okay.
And it was not an enjoyable experience, really, listening to it.
But, oh.
Because it was really dark, you know?
You'd think that something about art crime might be a little light-hearted.
But no, that was not the case.
I think Bowie should definitely start in a cop drama.
Yeah.
Bowie's lore, I think, is the way to go.
Suggested by a listener.
It's very simple.
Yeah.
You know, him front and centre.
Who would be a rating smash?
Well, he was in The Hunger, the TV version of The Hunger.
He was in the Linguine incident.
But I mean, I don't mean the film The Hunger, the... Oh, I see.
So he's been on the TV before.
He was on the TV version of The Hunger as well.
But keep those ideas coming in for cop shows.
The text number is 64046.
The email is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
If we could give a prize away for the best one, we would, but we're not allowed to, because those are the castle rules.
When will we be allowed to give prizes away again?
Never.
It's not going to happen in the foreseeable future.
It's ludicrous.
Now, has this ever happened to you?
No.
Okay, music then?
No, I was on the plane, coming back.
And did you ever just take, like, random dislikes to people for no apparent reason at all?
Just sort of fixate on a complete stranger and decide that you loathe them.
What kind of person would do that?
He was a man on the plane, and he had a cold.
Yeah.
And he was coughing, and he wasn't covering his mouth.
Well, if you're in a confined... Really loudly.
Yeah, those kind of irrational dislikes really take hold when you're in a confined space.
Absolutely.
Not only was he coughing, but then he was sniffing.
Literally like that.
Every 35 to 40 seconds.
Like that.
Oh dear.
Okay, so that was the beginning.
All the germs.
I don't like that man.
Circulating around the cabin.
Then I noticed his socks.
They were black with pink flowers on them.
And one of them was inside out.
This was a man in his mid 40s.
Yeah.
Black socks, pink flowers, one of them the wrong way around.
Poor bloke.
fun loving black pink sock wearing man such a disliking to him i was in a bad mood anyway cold i thought i'm gonna stand up i'm gonna tell you to cover your mouth i'm gonna just say something like didn't your mother teach you to cover your mouth when you cough you can get arrested for that on planes nowadays
So I started staring at him.
He saw me looking at him.
And I think he thought I liked him.
Right.
Because he started staring back and he smiled.
So I smiled.
Because what can you do?
He smiled.
I smiled.
And now you're married.
I think he fancied me.
Yeah.
I think he fancied me and he thought I was playing ice.
Little did he know that it was that I loathed him.
Yeah.
It was completely the other way round.
It's the daggers not love hearts, you ludicrous fruit man.
I stuffed my earplugs as deep as they'd go into my ears.
Yeah.
Tried to fall asleep.
I pretty much worked.
Then I overheard him talking to the hostess.
He had a slightly kind of, um, Ronnie Corbett and sorry sort of a voice.
Like he still lived with his mum.
Like he was slightly pathetic.
Right, kind of talking a little bit like... Slightly needy, yes, exactly.
That's absolutely terrific, but do you have any more peanuts at all?
Could I have another little bit of peanuts, would that be possible?
That sort of voice.
I started hating him so much.
I had to breathe very deeply and control my anger.
But you know what?
By the end of the flight... You loved him.
I loved him.
Good.
Well that was a nice happy ending.
Did his condition improve towards the end of the flight there at all?
No.
Sniffing?
No.
He was still coughing.
12 hours worth of coughing.
Nobody else was complaining though.
There were people sitting right beside him.
They weren't having a- He really wasn't coughing into a, uh, handkerchief or anything?
No.
That's no good, is it?
Disgusting.
That is disgusting.
The air in those planes just goes round and round and round.
I mean, they- That's a myth, by the way.
That's a myth.
Um, but they used to make public information films about that very thing.
Did they cover your mouth?
Yes!
Cover your mouth when you sneeze or you cough, for goodness sake.
That's basic etiquette.
And people have forgotten that kind of thing.
I make it against the law.
On the spot finds.
You should.
Spitting and coughing.
It's difficult, isn't it, without making it a big confrontational deal.
Excuse me, would you mind covering your mouth?
There's no good way of saying that without it becoming a thing, is there?
It's like the whole litter thing, when you see people littering.
You know, every bone in your body wants to go over and say, hey, come on, pick that up.
But there's no way of saying that without being a prat man.
But of course that's not the right thing.
You just have to go ahead and dare to be a prat for the sake of everybody's health and everybody's well-being.
Right?
Just the socks that really got me though.
The socks were the big problem.
They were pathetic.
Oh dear.
Now this is a band called The Who.
Is this the actual Who?
No, it's not.
We're going to play Idlewild.
Oh, Idlewild.
Okay, this is Idlewild then.
Love steals us from loneliness even.
Hello.
Oops.
That's good, man.
That's brilliant.
That's All Right by Jim Noire.
His album Welcome, Commander Jameson, is out shortly.
You know we were talking the other week about the Chaosolator?
Yeah.
The new machine, what I got.
For people who don't listen regularly, it's a special sort of touch-controlled effects generator.
It's everything from the old Korg synthesizers all put into one handy little thing.
It's all the rage.
And I've been noticing its use in some pop tracks.
There's a single by Estelle featuring Kanye West, called American Boy, that's currently riding high in the charts.
It's got the chaos-inator all over it.
And it's quite nice to hear a song that's kind of ruling the world using a little bit of kit that doesn't cost very much that anybody can use.
Is it?
Well, they might be using a more upmarket version.
I don't think they are.
Because there was a chaos pad that's been around for a long time.
Mm-hmm.
No, I think I'm pretty sure it's the chaos later they're using you can kind of tell because It's the thing that makes it good is also the thing that makes it tricky is that it's got this touchpad to play on Well, that's like the chaos.
You can never I think it's exactly the same model.
It's in the same series as the chaos pattern
And you can't really tell what noise it's going to make, because you can't figure out, you know, where the key is, where you're touching it.
Must be quite annoying as well, though, isn't it?
So you have... you tend to just do rhythmic presses of one note.
Yeah.
That's exactly what they're doing on the Estelle single.
It's not the sort of song that would probably be on the 6th Music Playlist.
It's too mainstream.
And it's a bit too... Well, we'd play Duffy and stuff like that, don't we?
Maybe it'll pop on.
It's very good.
It's really good.
It's very funky.
And it's the... So the Chaos... Chaosolator.
Chaosolator.
Object, right?
It's not a piece of software.
No, it's an object.
Oh, handy.
I repeat, if you put Chaosolator into YouTube, you'll see all sorts of cool films of people using their Chaosolators.
And it's chaos with a K. Yeah, with a K. Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a different kind of chaos.
Yeah.
And the one with the C. Groovy chaos.
Yeah, cool chaos.
Sexy chaos.
Modern chaos.
Ooh.
Now, speaking of which, I think we should more or less start wrapping up, text that in.
Really?
Yeah.
But there's so many.
Have we got loads?
I've hardly got through them all.
Well, let's hear a few then.
Come on.
Okay, here we go.
Carrigan and Bungle.
Renegade, Irish-American cop tackles youth crime with a gay bear.
Carrigan and Bungle.
That's a good title.
It really rolls off the tongue.
It scans.
It's poetically legitimate.
That sounds like one of your made up name titles.
Carrigan and Bungle.
Renegade Irish-American Cop.
Youth Crime.
Gay Bear.
I like it.
Yes or no, Commissioner.
Uh, yes.
Yes.
Caragon and Bungle Kids, maybe CBBC?
Simon Amstel to produce.
Great.
Okay, here's another one from that, that previous one was anonymous.
This is one from James from Surberton.
My idea is boy crab.
A boy solves petty crime with help from his crime-solving pet crab, which he carries around in a bucket.
I thought you said boy crab.
I was thinking, what the heck kind of show would that be?
What did you think I said?
Boy crab.
Oh, crap with a P. Yeah.
Boy crab is nicer though.
That's different.
Um, that's good.
I like the idea of the, the boy carrying around the crab in the bucket.
That's a very, you know, nostalgic image.
It's never been used for a crime series before, which surprises me.
Not to my knowledge, anyway.
You know, good cop, bad cop, the boy's all soft pedaling, the crab, dang, dang, nip, nip, nip.
Coming in with the clackers.
And the crab can speak, then?
uh who maybe he just uses his nippers James from the voices listen don't make me put the crab on you maybe you know maybe nip nip nip it's like sort of waterboarding yeah isn't it put the bucket over someone's head the crabs in there I'd say it's worse than what it's worse than waterboarding you know they wouldn't let crabs in Guantanamo no cuz it see that's going too far hmm that's too far Patrick in stratum offers elephant and castle
Brackets deceased the ghosts of Roy Castle and an elephant solve crimes in South London.
Well, that's insane.
I'm not that's good He's good.
There's something good about it.
I'm not gonna deny that you're flicking through the channels You saw the ghost of Roy Castle and an elephant it'll happen making their way through South London Give it 10 years and I will commission it all right in tooting offers the following text helicopters enough said yeah, that's a good one Chris and
Okay, Matt suggests COPS.
C-O-P-S-E.
COPS.
Based at a police station in a big wood sample episode.
Log jam.
Moss thieves.
Woodpecker blues.
He's got it all worked out.
He's got it all figured out, Matt.
You commissioning that?
COPS.
Yes, I am.
Again, that's a good afternoon show.
It's wall-to-wall COPS shows on Buxton's BBC.
It's all right.
How much work can it get?
Pete in Cambridge, Judge Fudge.
A West Country barrister who rides around Somerset on a penny-farthing solving confectionary-based crimes whilst chewing on fudge and toffee, he always carries a toffee hammer which doubles as his gavel when sentencing the sweetie thieves at the end of each heifer's food.
There's lots of Judge Fudge that you can have.
Judge Fudge.
Judgmental would be another one about an unstable judge.
Prefer Judge Fudge.
Well that's a... That's a tie in fudge.
Uh, you could have the Happy Mondays song as the theme music.
Steve in Longman.
No, Steve Longman suggests Inspector Moose investigates corruption in the world of high-class hairdressing.
Okay, okay, I was thinking maybe dessert, something dessert-based, and you could, uh... Second series?
Every week he could work in a new recipe, like a different type of moose.
Commission for that one?
No, I'm not gonna commission.
Oh!
Inspector Moose.
Oh.
I'm commissioning cops.
I'm drawing the line at Inspector Moose.
Shall we have some more after... Let's have some more music just to clear the air.
I think we should have a... Can we... We're going to have this trail, Jude.
I love this trail.
Or is the trail gone now?
We can do it.
I'd love to hear it, because I love trails.
Because they're short, they're pithy, you know.
Is this one... What's in this one, do you know?
It's
Inventions then after, um, after Gabriel left, you know, they became this very mainstream.
Genesis are a very important band that mean a huge amount to a lot of people.
I mean, people are passionate about Genesis.
They really are.
And you've just peed them all off.
I know, I'm frightened now.
And one fell swoop.
Actually, I'm not that frightened because they're all so old.
They wouldn't be able to hurt me.
All the fans.
I'm joking.
Now, here's a track by the lovely Teenage Fan Club, and it's called It's All In My Mind.
This is from their most recent album, I think.
And I don't know how big a hit the album was, but it certainly deserved to be a big one, and this is the first track on there.
It's really enjoyable and mellow.
Hey, just a mellow.
Yeah, yeah, just chill.
Just chill for a little bit.
It's All In My Mind by Teenage Fan Club.
That's lovely, the fannies, uh, from the album Man Made.
I think that was their last album.
Oh, a frightful thing to say.
It's a nice thing to say.
That was called It's All In My Mind.
You're listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music, and right now... Text-a-nation!
Text, text, text!
Text-a-nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text-a-nation!
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
I always forget how the, you know, the words of the jingle.
So I say, right now, thinking that it's gonna say, it's time for song, you know what I mean?
But then I get it wrong.
So I say, right now, text the nation.
I think people are used to forgetting things wrongness.
No, they think this show is slick, man.
Do they?
They think it's very slick.
Then they're living in a world of constant upset and disappointment.
That's true, isn't it?
Thanks to everybody who's sent in their ideas for cop shows, together we're gonna change the face of BBC One, the nation's channel.
We've commissioned.
The channel that unifies the country.
Yeah.
The channel that covers major sporting events.
Because the BBC, I was watching a thing with Michael Palin in the Himalayas, and he had a little audience with the Dalai Lama.
The Dalai Lama BBC all over the world.
Dalai Lama was saying to Michael Palin, I recognize your face from the BBC.
I watch the BBC every day.
But let's not forget that the Dalai Lama is evil.
Is he?
What's he done wrong now?
Yeah, there's everybody thinking that he's the most wonderful, peaceful man in the world.
Yeah.
But no.
The Chinese government have revealed him to be the shod that he is.
A dirty.
A nasty terrorist man.
That's according to the Chinese government.
Now, of course, we are here at the big picture castle, so we must offer both sides of the coin.
Dalai Lama, naughty or nice?
You decide.
We offer you the choice.
It's that of our hat.
And take the Chinese government's side or the same side.
Who goes?
If you have to save one, is it going to be Palin or the Dalai Lama?
If it was up to the BBC, I think it would be Palin.
We were talking about the power of the BBC anyway and the fact that we're gonna help them become even more powerful with a tranche.
Is that a word?
A tranche?
Well a tranche is just a slice.
Right, well that's what this is, a slice.
A smorgasbord.
A smorgasbord?
Yeah.
A lot?
A hoopla?
No.
A what?
A brick bat?
No.
A plate.
A plate of shows.
A raft.
A raft of new cop shows.
It's going to be wall-to-wall cop shows on the new BBC One.
We've ring-fenced a cop show zone.
It's going to be an appointment to view.
Yeah.
And here are some more ideas.
Here's one from Chris in Durham.
How about rock cops?
Geology, detectives solving prehistoric... What?
Geology detectives solving prehistoric crimes using fossilized evidence.
Those evil...
trilobites trilobites trilobites trilobites trilobites trilobites trilobites trilobites
A monkey gathers the evidence and converts it to plant food.
The sunflower feeds on it, solves the crime, points its face in the direction of the evil perpetrator of the crime.
Come on, you have to think about that.
Simeon and the sunflower.
Monkey gathers evidence, converts it to plant food.
Is this from the same guy?
Yes.
Sunflower grows out of the plant food, slowly points its face.
Healy and the direction of the trilobites.
Um, I think calling it rock cops is misleading though, because people would be expecting pop stars.
They're two different- Oh, I see what you mean.
This is about the first idea, the geology detectives.
Yeah, yeah.
I think rock cops is good, maybe, as schools and colleges.
Right.
More instructional than detectives.
Yes, yeah, but Simeon and the Sunflower I think is really strong well surely there's got to be something with let's start it off on BBC 3 Tony anything on there No, they're young and friends.
Oh, they will your show.
Yeah anything and put my show on.
Yeah, you see
That's good.
What's the guy called from Time Team Tony Baldrick?
Tony Time Team Baldrick.
He should be a cop.
Tony Jenkins.
Tony Jenkins and he should have a cop show though, because I mean that's essentially what Time Team is.
Tony Turner.
Investigative thing, isn't it?
It's Tony Turner.
It's not Tony Turner.
Can no one remember his name?
He's famous for goodness sake.
No one knows his name.
They don't need to be reminded of it.
Tony Hawkshore Henkerson.
That's the name.
Here's another one from Ollie and Canterbury.
His idea for a cop show.
My new idea for a cop show.
What?
If no one has come up with it already, it's called Long Arms of the Law.
The lead character is Frank Law, a man with slightly longer than usual arms, which aids his police work.
For example, allowing him to reach evidence that is on high shelves and catch criminals at a slightly greater distance than is usually possible.
His catchphrase is, that's the long arms of the law, which is used frequently but is always found hilarious by everyone on the show.
That seems very familiar, that idea.
That's a good idea.
Maybe it's familiar because it's one of those ideas that should be on TV right now.
Commissioning that one?
I am commissioning that one.
How many have we got commissioned so far?
20?
25.
How long are they on average?
An hour.
We usually run an hour.
They're at least an hour.
That's 20 hours of cup shows.
That's great.
We can repeat all these as well.
All of them.
Ad infinitum.
On a loop.
Ad nauseam.
A cup show channel.
Tony Cops.
Tony Robinson.
Although I think you should consider Tony Corks your hedge master.
That's the name.
John Greenfield has this idea.
In a nightmarish future dystopia where humans have been trapped in slavery by the New World Order, only an ostrich can save the world.
That's just silly, isn't it?
What's that called?
It doesn't have a name.
It doesn't even have a name!
You read out his little screen of nonsense.
I thought it was very evocative.
How come that one didn't get filtered out?
It was evocative.
Let's see.
Nightmareish dystopia.
What the heck are you doing?
Come on.
Thanks, John Greenfield.
You lack imagination, Adam Buxton.
He hasn't even given it- It's like, it's not even related to, uh, Text the Nation.
He's just emailed this in.
Of course it is.
It's an ostrich solving crime.
Oh no, it says subject, ostrich cop.
Yeah.
There you go.
It's probably what it's called, ostrich cop.
It's called ostrich cop, 2078AD.
There you go.
That is- I'm not commissioning that.
Well, I'm putting that on the Corns channel.
Are you?
And I'm reeking in the routings.
Okay, last one before the news.
Raking in the ratings.
That's what I meant to say.
Uh, Peter Fletcher.
He has an idea, let me just have a look at this, for a frequent flier who's a detective.
He always seems to be on long haul flights when someone's murdered.
But before the seatbelt sign has been turned off, he solved the case, exposed the contorted motives of the murderer.
Uh, usually some trivial thing triggers the crime like an inside-out sock.
Right.
He's riffing on my story there.
He's got some titles.
Murder at 30,000 feet.
Not bad.
The Flying Detective.
I like it better.
Death Has Wings.
Sky Sleuth.
Ready.
Jet Set.
Die!
And then I'm not sure whether it's a title or a request the final words of his email are kill me I Like ready jet-set die I'm commissioning that one listening that one.
It's time for the news here on digital radio and online BBC 6 music Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
That's the killers.
What was that one called Adam?
Mr. Brightside.
Yeah
I missed a bright side, dreaming, dreaming of me, of you.
Isn't it?
That's still what that song sounds like.
Blondie.
Anyway, the killers, yeah, they're not actual killers.
They've never killed anyone.
Why are we playing them at the castle?
It's a lie.
Well, exactly.
That's what I wanted.
Get them off the playlist.
Until they've actually committed a murder and spent time, you know, in prison for it,
Probably life.
Then I'm not interested in what they have to say because I just feel ripped off.
You know what I'd like?
No.
I'd like a moratorium on titles of bands and films beginning with the word the.
Two word titles, one of the words is the.
Yeah.
The mist, the killers, the vines, the hives, the bees.
It's just endless.
Yeah, but then you've got all the bands who self-consciously leave off the the like editors.
That's better.
And then it becomes just an annoyance because the natural thing is just to say the editors, it's a lot easier.
What words are there that cannot be turned into the name of a film or a band by putting the in front of it?
Left.
Are there any left?
The whisk.
Is that a Stephen King horror film?
Well, that's a noun.
It's easy with nouns, but actually, no, it works with the it.
You know, like, what about prepositions and things like that?
There's not many words left.
The under.
The magazines.
I mean, there's some that would be ungainly, you know.
I mean, there's a band called Magazine already, obviously.
But, yeah, not many.
Not many.
That's the thing.
What have you got against it, though?
It's fun.
It's just very samey.
Yeah.
It just makes them all sound the same, feel the same, you know?
I think we should push for more adventurousness in band naming.
But that's what they do, though, is that they define themselves, not by the actual name.
The strokes started it, didn't they?
Didn't the strokes start it?
They started a whole nother wave of the bands.
It goes in and out of fashion.
There's been a lot of the bands...
Absolutely, but I'm saying that they started a new sort of cycle.
Oh, right Yes, well because in the in the 90s, there were a lot of just one word blends.
Yeah, right It's a sort of utilitarian impulse, isn't it amongst composers, you know, just to just to make themselves kind of functional.
Mm-hmm Well, Matt Johnson should have had the last word with the there should shouldn't he but I mean there there was always a horrible name for a band though.
Come on Great band
Horrible name.
Listen, man, I was watching the television last night.
Have you ever seen that?
Why?
Have you ever seen it?
It's rubbish.
It's really rubbish.
But it's very bright.
And dazzling and sort of hypnotizing.
Exactly.
And I found that if I had the television on, I was able to do all sorts of things because there was light coming out of it and I could see it in the room, right?
So I was able to find things that I'd been looking for for ages.
It was great.
And then while it was on also, I started watching what was actually on there.
silly idea.
And you know, we're fans of the Brat Pack, right?
The Brat Pack.
Here's a fact that I didn't know.
I mean, there was no new facts.
I didn't realise they were quite so bratty as they were.
Had no clue, because you and I went to see The Breakfast Club when it came out.
And it was like the Holy Bible had just been unveiled to us or something.
We thought it was very, very good.
We were quite young.
We were young.
We were absolutely the right age to completely have our minds blown by this film.
I didn't realise that Antony Michael Hall was quite such a car crash of a person.
They were revealing in this documentary.
Because he was one of the brat packers who I always had a very big soft spot for.
I thought he was very funny.
He was a brilliant actor.
He's amazing in Sixteen Candles.
Amazing.
And he went off the rails in quite a big way, loved to drink booze and was very haughty and arrogant.
And after making quite a few bad film choices and having his career go on the skids a little bit after his initial flush of success, he was cast as Sergeant Joker, the main part in Full Metal Jacket.
I didn't realize this, have you ever heard this before?
No.
He got the part and started rehearsing, started shooting even with Kubrick.
No.
But argued with Kubrick about what Kubrick should be doing and had so many clashes with Kubrick about how he was directing the film that Kubrick fired his arse.
Wow.
And got Matthew Modine instead.
And, uh, poor old Anthony Michael Hall's career never recovered, really.
He's in something on telly at the moment, isn't he?
Yeah, I mean, he's- I think, in fact, he's in some sort of terrible cop show, isn't he?
Uh-huh, possibly.
Something like that.
But can you imagine, that is the kind of, uh, kick in the nuts that you never really get over, is it?
What a fool!
What a lovely- Who would argue with Kubrick?
Kubrick, exactly!
What are you playing at?
And, you know, that wasn't- fair enough, if it was Eyes Wide Shut, you might have been having a couple of arguments, but...
Uh, Full Metal Jacket was- He plays the lead in the Dead Zone, the TV series of Dead Zone.
That's right, that's right.
And apparently he's in the new Batman film.
And I'm sure he's, uh, you know, I'm sure he's learnt his lesson now, you know, and I'm sure he's like a delight to work with.
Yeah.
But for a long time no one would touch him with a barge pole.
And then, after that long time, he harkies with Kubrick and gets fired.
What a nutbag.
But he was amazing in Sixteen Candles.
Brilliant in weird science.
Very good in weird science.
Come up in the Breakfast Club.
Very, very good in National Lampoon's vacation.
That's right.
And National Lampoon's European vacation.
I know.
He's an excellent foil for Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase.
Oh, Chevy Chase.
Chevy Swash.
Now here is, so watch more Biography Channel, that's the message there.
No I will not.
Stop trying to boss me around.
Alright then.
Here's... You're not the boss of me.
I am actually.
I didn't want to make it specific, make it explicit.
I am rubber, you are glue.
But the words that you say bounce off me and stick to you.
What's that?
Dunno.
Um, okay, here's the last of the shadow puppets now.
Do you know about them, Joe?
No.
They, this is Alex Turner from the Arctic Monkeys.
I've had enough.
This is Side Project with the guy from Simeon Mobile.
The Rascals.
The Rascals, not Simeon Mobile Disco.
Why am I thinking them?
He produced it.
Oh, okay, there you go.
Um, and this is The Age of Understanding, so this is good stuff.
Check it out.
So there you go, that's the last of the Shadow Puppets.
So if you're a Shadow Puppets fan, that's it, that's the last hurrah of the Big Goodbye.
That's the Age of Understatement.
When's that album out then?
Uh, Mayesh.
Mayesh?
Age is away!
It's exciting though, we can all get really excited about that.
How long is Turner?
You know, because no one stays perfect forever.
How long has Alex Turner gotten in?
I think he's going to be a stayer.
I think he's going to be around for a long, long time.
I mean, I agree with you because he's clearly prodigiously talented.
As are the rest of the band.
Let's not put the lead singer on a pedestal just because he's the lead singer.
Well, and he writes all the songs.
And he writes all the songs.
Let's not put him on a pedestal because of that.
No.
Let's pay a bit of attention to the drummer.
Well, you know what?
The drummer is extraordinary.
When I saw them... What was I saying?
Last year, he is a little powerhouse man.
He's incredible.
They are a fantastic band.
I'm talking about the Monkees there, but last the Shadow Puppets sound pretty amazing too.
I had another couple of cop shows that I never pitched to you.
Oh, go on then.
Is this wrong, Jude?
Oh, go for it.
Uh, blenders.
Blenders?
With an L. Yeah.
Blenders.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, you know the advert for tax credit where the man has painted his body in such a way that he blends into the background?
Yes.
Okay, there are a bunch of cops that do that.
Blender.
But this is the twist, right, commissioning editor?
Right.
At the beginning of the scene, they're not in the space which they're gonna blend into.
So it's just a bunch of people chatting, one of them, half of their body's painted red, with half a letterbox on it.
Mm-hmm.
The other half is painted like bricks.
you're waiting for them to enter an environment in which they will blend into which.
Right.
That keeps you watching for the first few minutes and then there's a middle of a chase, suddenly... It's the sound effect, they blend into the background.
Do the sound effect again?
Oh.
We could work on that.
Yeah.
There's one that's, for instance, painted like the side of a lorry.
For instance.
That's his name.
For instance.
Joshua, for instance.
He's running down the motorway.
Yes.
They're really fast.
And look at that.
He's blending into the side of the lorry.
So he can run as fast as a lorry as well.
No, he's glued to the side.
Did you whomp glued to the side?
Yeah.
Yeah, and it's called blenders.
Blenders.
I'm not commissioning blenders.
Why not?
No, it doesn't appeal to me on any level.
Your station is rotten.
I'm not commissioning.
I tell you what, BBC Four, you can do it for.
Okay.
All right.
Here's another good one.
Yeah.
This is just a way of recycling old cop shows.
That's a good idea.
I get an old cop show, say Miami Vice.
Right.
Play it at double the speed.
Call it the new Keystone Cops.
Yes.
It's like old silent movies, you know, speed it up cops.
It's a good idea.
But now it's in colour.
With Don Johnson and the other black.
And you could have, instead of sort of... How are with Altamire?
Yeah?
Yeah, I like that.
That's good.
It's cheap.
I'm not commissioning it though.
Why not?
I just don't like it.
You know what I said?
I liked it.
Yeah.
I wasn't telling you the truth.
The TV's so tough these days.
I'm sorry about that.
Um, but I'm not comi- Listen, I've commissioned 25 other programmes off you.
It's not enough.
Alright?
Just because I'm not commissioning blenders.
And what was the title of the other one?
The Keystone?
I want to be like Princess Productions, who make every single programme on Channel 4.
Really?
I haven't met them.
They make them all.
I don't watch Channel 4 anymore.
I only watch BBC Four because I'm of a certain age and also I've got a very big brain.
That's true, isn't it?
Yeah, so I only watch things like that and I watch Dave as well.
Do you?
Well, there goes the brain thing.
So I can watch QI.
Now, here's a track I've selected for you listeners.
This is from the Richard D. James album by Aphex Twin and it sort of speaks for itself.
Can I just point out, my free play CD broke.
Did it?
Otherwise, I'd be playing you so much.
better tracks than this.
Oh, you can't get better than this one, though.
We've had to, uh, hold off until next week.
I mean, I don't, I don't think there's a human being in the world, old or young, who could, uh, dislike this.
This is Fingerbib.
Ah, it's lovely.
That's great.
Affex Twin.
Yeah, Fingerbib from the Richard D. James album.
Uh, it's got a grotesque cover of him.
scowling at you weirdly.
Um, I saw a film the other day.
What's the film with, uh, Viggo Mortensen, directed by David Cronenberg?
Uh, Eastern Promises.
Uh, Eastern Promises, yeah.
Very enjoyable.
Have you seen that?
Yeah.
Boy, it's brutally violent though, isn't it?
It is brutally violent.
Because you forget that Cronenberg's background is in horror when he applies himself to a different genre, you know, and then the horror training pops out at unexpected moments.
When, which is, wait, which is his gentle moment?
History of violence was pretty, pretty violent.
Yeah, but, um, it's couched in sort of fairly, um, dramatic, you know, normal, regular... He's always about the body.
Yeah.
Uh, the body is a sort of parasite.
But there's good, there's good, there's some wicked, there's some wicked violence in there.
It's a very good knife fight.
Yeah.
Oh, a brilliant knife fight, nude knife fight with Viggo's, um, julies flopping around everywhere.
It's fantastic.
Yeah.
But there's a moment in that film, if you've seen it, where, um, it's a scene in a, in a kind of private club with all these Russian gangsters, and a bloke, um, comes and starts sort of playing the violin.
He's like a folky musician, man.
Typical Russian gangster behavior.
Exactly.
But he looks exactly like, uh, Richard James, A.F.X.
Twin.
He's got really long hair and a creepy little beard, and he's sort of slightly ginger.
You should check it out if you haven't seen that film.
It's time for us to go.
We're going to play one more track and Liz Kershaw will be with you shortly.
Thank you very much indeed for texting and emailing us today.
Yeah, we've got loads of texts and every one of them was a winner.
Sorry if we didn't get to read yours out, but thank you very much for all the emails as well.
We'll be back with you this time next week, 9am till noon on Saturday.
Don't forget the podcast, which will be available tomorrow evening, Sunday evening, and of course you can listen again to this show in its entirety with music and everything at any point during this week.
So take care, have a wonderful week, and a happy Easter.
Yeah, bye-bye.