That's the new sound.
It's called nerd rock.
I don't understand it.
A, it scares me.
B, I can't make sense of it musically in my head.
It's made me feel old and out of touch.
And I'm worried for the kids.
Well, get with it, Granddad, because that's the kind of thing they're listening to.
Yeah, because that's nerd rock.
They might be giants they're called.
It's the new thing.
And it's a new kind of nerdy sound.
You have to wear a bow tie.
But get this.
The bow ties have razors.
on the side of the bowties, and they twirl around like comedy bowties, but they can kill people.
The person wearing it.
Exactly.
What's the point of that?
What is the point of that?
But that's nerd rock.
It's not really nerd rock.
That was from, when was that?
1989?
1990.
1990, there you go.
They might be giants.
Hello, this is Adam and Jo on BBC 6 Music.
It's a newest radio station all about music.
hmm and and the number six yeah and we've got a great three hours of stuff coming up for you we're gonna have song wars oh yeah a bit later the theme this week is festivals so we're gonna be fighting our homemade songs a little bit later in the show we're going to have text the nation even though we haven't really decided what it's gonna be yet
We like to throw it open sometimes, we like to be free and easy with it.
Maybe it could be something about festivals even.
Although, perhaps that's jumping the gun a bit, but seeing as we've done festival song wars, you know?
It's confusing, I'm confused.
Plus, of course, we've got terrific music coming up, including in this first hour alone, such exciting bands as Frank Black.
Is he a band?
He's not coming up in this first hour, I don't think.
Oh, isn't he?
Yeah.
According to this list, he is.
Julian Cope, Delos Sol, Funboy 3.
You're just reading things off the... That's good.
...listeners love reading.
And yeah, so lots of stuff to get excited about.
Absolutely.
What kind of free plays have you brought in with you this week?
Well, I've got some Ben Folds 5.
Yeah.
Who's played a lot on 6 Music.
He's kind of one of the artists who represents what 6 Music means.
Right, sort of cerebral, but very musical.
Cool, but business-like.
Yeah.
Good on a piano.
Nerd rock.
Exactly.
He wears a bow tie with razors on the end.
Plus I've got a bit of something else.
Oh yeah, a bit of Jungle Brothers.
Yeah.
Then I've got one I'm not sure about.
I've got one I'm really not sure about.
Really?
And I can't believe it didn't get weeded out, because we have to send our free plays in towards the beginning of the week.
Maybe that's a new feature.
Yeah.
They're not sure about its slot.
And it's quite a long one as well.
Is it?
Yeah.
Now I'm not sure about it either.
So that's all coming up.
It's exciting, isn't it, listeners?
Now... No.
No, it's not.
It's the sound of one of our listeners.
What's your name, listener?
My name's Trevor.
Trevor, what?
Shut up and play some music.
Oh, gosh.
Trevor, he's upstairs.
Stop gassing on and play some music.
Sorry, Trevor.
Do you like James?
Six music, not six chads.
Do you like James?
Shut up and play some music.
Well, here's James.
What on earth is going on in that song?
What is it?
I think it's about, you know, white boy men.
But his mum seems to be saying that to him.
Right.
And he's saying that she's so pristine in her own body bag.
Mm-hmm.
Is he describing the clothes she's wearing as being like a body bag?
Yeah, it's the same kind of philosophy as people who drive in cars.
They're just more or less driving around in metal coffins.
Right.
And she's saying to him, uh, you wanna talk to me, white boy man?
Mm.
You'd think the mother would know, uh, what colour her son was.
Well, she's a red Indian, his mother.
Is she?
I think so, yeah.
And is he not?
No, he's, uh, he's just a white boy man.
How does that work?
Well, maybe he's adopted.
Adopted.
I don't know if that's true.
Right.
No, this is becoming clearer now that you're explaining it.
Because, uh, there's stuff about TV dinners in there microwavable.
He looks like Yule Brenner?
He looks like Yule Brenner, too.
It's all making sense now.
Was he too young to play Lear, too old to play Hamlet, or something?
Something like that.
Yeah.
That makes perfect sense now, thanks.
You know, James, have they got together and they've split up and got together just once or more than once?
I don't know.
They were away for a long time.
Our listeners will probably tell us.
And they're back together again.
But do you remember a few weeks ago, if you're a regular listener, you might remember that, I was talking about an advert that I saw in the back of a music mag for an exciting gig by all three members of Aha!
They were going to play a gig at the Royal Albert Hall.
I don't know if it's happened already.
No, May 24th.
There you go.
And they are not playing as A-ha together.
They're doing three individual sets to showcase their individual solo talents.
And as a sort of ignorant person, someone ignorant of the genius of A-ha,
I made the casual comment that, you know, it seemed a little bit of a desperate move that you would capitalise on the fame of your band in order to showcase your solo talents.
How wrong you were.
How wrong I was.
How stupid you were.
That was a tidal wave of...
Fury.
We dealt with this in some detail on the show in question.
Well, there was a few angry emails that came in.
We established that they are very famous in their own right, in their home country.
Well, you leapt to their defence, calling them the Norwegian Beatles.
They're not Norwegian, are they?
I don't know.
No, they're Scandinavian, but that's more than one place.
Yeah.
So that'll do.
You immediately knew you instinctively were aware of their beetle-like status.
Well, I like them.
You do like... I do like a heart.
I don't have any of their records.
Right.
But I don't get angry when I hear them.
I like it.
No, but nothing happens to me when I hear them.
Really?
I'm just amazed that they... You flat-line.
Yeah.
Yeah, well I disagree.
I think there's a lot of talent there.
Of course there is.
Anyway, a lot of people agree with you, and we had an essay sent to us this week from an Aha fan.
Obviously I can't read the whole thing, but I'll paraphrase.
This is from Claudia from the Netherlands.
She's certainly going to that concert.
They've never played solo concerts over here either, and I doubt they ever will.
So she's very excited about the fact that they're doing so in
in the Royal Albert Hall, but she says that a friend of hers described our comments to her, so she never actually heard what we were talking about.
But that was enough to get her absolutely incensed, she said.
My fellow Aha fan, Amanda, who had to hear you, she had to sit there hearing you, mocking her favourite band, gave me more than enough of an idea of what you were saying.
First of all, they do not in any way trick people into thinking this is an a-ha gig.
They don't say it's a-ha, do they?
They don't bill it as a-ha, do they?
Fair point.
She then restates, I never said they did.
You were saying that it gave the misleading impression that you might be seeing an a-ha concert.
No, I never said anything of the sort.
I did, though, just then.
No, I didn't.
It doesn't give the impression that they will be doing an Aha gig at all.
What was your point then, when you was it?
I just made my point before, if you were listening.
Well, I wasn't.
No, of course you never do.
But the point was, it's a little bit desperate, is it not, to convene the three members of a group under the banner of their... Not have them play together.
Exactly, and not have them play in the Aha brand.
But no, obviously, these people don't agree.
It just seemed like, you know, can't they just find individual kids?
No, I think we're toying with fire.
Yeah, I know.
Our fans are dangerous, they're prepared to do whatever it takes to defend the integrity of their... bands, you know?
I know.
You've crossed the wrong fan... Rubicon, you've crossed the Rubicon.
She says later on, For some reason you also seem to have completely missed the fact that Aha had a top ten single hit in your country with analog brackets, all I want.
A mere two years ago, with an album and a tour to accompany it.
In your country.
Were you a big fan of analog, the single, the top ten single?
You know what, I missed that one.
Did you?
Yeah.
I thought you loved them.
Not only your favourite band, you're right.
You love them.
Hey, listen, here's a free play while those Aha fans get texting again.
If it was sunny today, this would be a really good choice, but it isn't, so at least down here in Londinium it isn't.
So it's a bad choice.
Here's the Jungle Brothers with Sunshine.
A spiz energy there with... Where's Captain Kirk?
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
It's kind of a miserable Saturday morning here in London town, but we hope it's a bit more sunny where you are.
And if it's not, well, let us bring some sunshine into your lives.
How are we gonna do that?
I was really hoping that you might know.
We could try and put together a cloud bursting machine.
Yeah, or just some... they probably sell cans of sunshine in places like Jamaica, don't they?
Yeah, we could bring some sun-kissed into your life.
Yeah, yeah.
Billy said something else.
Someone's gonna be having fun editing that.
It's weak.
That's all right, that's accidental.
We can't get checked out of the big British castle for that.
Now, listen, Joe Cornish, you love to follow the news, you love to read the newspapers, right?
Did you know what the 10p tax rate was all about?
You know Gordon Brown is getting in loads of trouble for.
I'll answer that honestly, no, not really.
Neither did I, right?
And it's just everyone's talking about the 10p tax rate.
Gordon Brown, he's in hot water because he's getting rid of the 10p tax rate.
Claire, our producer who's standing in for Jude this week, do you know what the 10p tax rate is all about?
I do know one thing, though.
It's hitting the poor very hard.
Well, exactly.
We know that much.
We know it's not a good thing if you're a low earner, right?
But everybody talks about it as if everyone knows exactly what it is, the 10p tax rate.
Maybe everybody does.
I don't know if they do.
I just think people are lying.
Well, listen, my natural assumption is that I'm stupid, right?
And I just don't happen to know because I don't read enough newspapers.
But then I asked a few people throughout the week if they knew what it was and if they could explain it to me.
None of them could.
And these were all fairly well-educated people, you know?
And so I had to go and research it myself and look it up.
Still found it quite hard to understand a little bit.
But 10p tax rate is something the Labour Party introduced around about 1999.
It was one of their big, you know, it was one of the big incentives to vote for them at that point for the general election.
They were going to
it was the lowest it was a new low rate of tax this is getting slightly political so here at the big british castle i have to balance anything politically biased that Adam says i'm just warning listeners that no i'm not talking about political bias this is a statement of fact right so it's a 10 you pay 10p on every round uh if you're earning between around 5 000 and
7,000 pounds.
It's the lowest bracket of tax, basically.
And so he's getting rid of that, and you now have to pay 20p on the pound, and so that's hitting certain income brackets harder than others.
It's helping them.
Well, it is helping some people.
It's hitting some.
You could see it that it's helping some.
That's true, yes.
Just being balanced.
Oh, you're being balanced, yeah.
But you know like on the news everyone was talking about it last night, and they never really explained like I thought the news I Watched some idiot news as well You know some are on the idiot channels and not even they really properly explained it you think they have a little sidebar Maybe explaining what the heck the 10p tax rate was but no
They just expect you to know.
I'm scandalised.
I'm speechless.
I'm scandalised.
I'm still trying to say sunkissed.
Yeah.
In my head.
Sunkissed.
That's what threw you off.
Don't mess those syllables up.
Not on the BBC.
What were you talking about?
Sunkissed.
I was making a brave admission of ignorance there.
But you're... I'm more ignorant than you, so I can't help you.
You're talking to the wrong person, mate.
Alright then, fair enough.
Now we've got some more music coming up for you and news very shortly and after the news and some more music we're gonna be unveiling our new song wars songs on the subject of festivals and That's gonna be exciting.
Are you happy with yours?
Yeah, I'm quite happy.
You never know though.
What the other person's come up with.
Mine's quite boisterous.
Is it?
Yeah, it's gotta be for a festival isn't it?
Yeah, does it?
Yeah
Okay, anyway, here's Ida Maria before that.
This is Queen of the World.
That was the Choral Within the Morning.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.
It's time for the news read by Catherine Kratnall.
Yes, it's Song Wars time.
Before that, you heard Ryan Adams with So Alive.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.
If you're a new listener, Song Wars is the part of the show where Adam and I make homemade songs on a theme and then we play them both and they kind of fight each other through the medium of listener votes.
It's the closest you can get to a competition on the BBC Air these days.
Competitions have been
because they're evil and but it's this is a sort of thousands of lives were lost last year thanks to BBC competitions that's true and it's a tragedy that's never going to be repeated again yeah certainly not in the big British castle no it's a warning from history but it's okay for the presenters themselves because we're trained to scrap it out to have a little competitive scrap
Me and Jo- But there's no prize.
No, there's no prize.
Or it's the greatest prize of all.
What is it?
Respect.
Pride.
Respect.
Yeah.
You know, in Stockwell, outside the tube there, they've got that, um, in- in Bricks, they've spelt out the word respect.
Right.
Over by the, uh, Monolith.
Yeah.
That's good.
That's an important monolith.
Exactly.
I like walking across that bit of respect.
Violet Sharbo, Zabo.
She was a war hero.
Yeah.
And she deserves your respect.
She's got it.
It didn't sound like it to me, so be perfectly honest.
Oh, wow.
She's got loads of it.
Anyway, yeah, respect.
This is all about respect.
And so do you think you're going to be winning the listeners' respect today?
I don't know.
But I do know this, that the overall score for Song Wars is nearly neck and neck, isn't it?
Isn't it even neck and neck?
For a while, I had a commanding lead and was resting on my laurels.
But not anymore.
Yeah, it was like Laurel and Hardy.
It was.
In what way?
Well, a sort of tall bloke and a slightly chunkier bloke.
Right.
And one of them was resting on his laurels.
What does that mean?
Laurel and Hardy!
Yeah, no, that's good.
So this week's theme has been festivals.
Uh, because it's the start of the festival season, so we've both written songs about festivals.
Uh, and we're gonna play them now.
And when you've decided which one you think is the best, text 64046, who's gonna go first?
I'm getting the coin out.
And we're gonna toss a coin!
So you never told the listeners, though, who- what the actual tally is, do we know?
Uh, I'm not sure.
It's gotta be quite big, because we've done enough of these things now.
Well, the thing is, the confusing thing is that it's been a bit erratic the last few weeks, you know?
Some weeks we do it, some weeks we don't.
Well, we started doing it every week and then it became every other week.
Yeah, exactly.
It's easier doing it every week.
We'll find out while we play the first one.
So the coin is being tossed.
Okay.
We're calling it, I'm gonna go for Tails.
Tails, you go first?
Yeah.
Okay.
Sonic and Tails.
It's heads.
It's heads, so you get to choose.
No, I... Or whatever.
Oh, you go first.
Yeah, I go first, yeah.
Okay, so, um, my festival tra- I'm not gonna- I'm not gonna talk too much about it before, okay?
Well, we'll go into it afterwards.
This is a very- very straightforward, uh, speaks for itself.
It's called Festival Song by Adam Buxton.
Here it is.
Please leave a message after the tone.
Gaz Man, it's the Julienator.
Just to let you know, I bought the tickets for Sludge Fest, as well as Chillax, Wicker World, the Inoffensive Electronic Festival, Wet Weekend, and Pins in the Park with Timbukh 3 Headlining.
Drops a text if you think I've missed any.
Cheers ears.
Load up the four by four, it's festival time We're stuffing the chill bag with nibbles and wine We're going to sleep inside a collapsible yard We've got a nurse in case anybody gets hurt
Festivals used to be awful, just crusties and weirdo groups.
There was nowhere to charge your mobile, and nowhere nice for doing poops.
Now they're often in stately homes with global cuisine as ace.
And you can leave the kids in a really nice crash while you get off your face.
In hip hooray, it's time for festival fun.
We've got our hats and our sun cream.
In case there's some sun But when it rains We've got our green welly boots And if we feel the love We've got our birthday suits Look kids, that's Keith Allen That's Lily Allen's dad He's been coming since the fifties And apparently he's really mad And over there, that's Katie Moss That's right, that crazy drug is X Let's ask her if she'll join us for a boogie and some sex
Move on
We've got some chill pills, some wizwahs and a gram of some stuff But I'm a little bit wary, there won't be enough So would you call Jemima and ask her to bring a bit of rice Some jelly and a big ball of string And don't forget the Baroque and the yoga mats too Because there's going to be healing and yoga to do And there's a bloke from Tibet who can teach us to breathe and laugh
After that, we'll see Moby then we'll probably leave.
Load up the 4x4, it's festival time, we're stuffing the
It's a fade-out.
Yeah, I don't think we've ever had a fade-out on Song Wars before, have we?
Yeah, yeah, I've had a couple of fade-outs.
Really?
I like a fade-out.
That's good.
That's Adam's Song Wars song there.
If you... Well, you shouldn't vote yet because you haven't heard the other one yet, but the text number is 64046.
What?
Can't vote for text for Song Wars.
Really they can text during the show But after the show you can't text you have to email So what was that one called the Glastonbury song?
No, that's just a festival.
So that was good That was quite a classy festival you were singing about.
Yeah, really quite a posh one certainly
Yeah, did you have any particular festival in mind?
Just all of them.
I mean, you know, it sounded quite like an exclusive country house one, maybe.
I haven't, yeah, because I went to a country house one year.
For a slightly older crowd?
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
For slightly ravey, you know, ex-ravers.
Yeah.
Who are now looking for a comfortable festival, nothing too crazy.
Yeah.
They certainly don't want to get burglarized.
No.
But they would like to do a little bit of ravey dancing.
Yeah.
And maybe have some fizz-wizz.
Somewhere safe for the kids.
Exactly.
While they do that.
Yeah.
That's right.
Some fizz-wizz.
Yeah.
Some chompers.
Chompers.
That's right.
And so thematically, were you on the same kind of
Sort of.
Mine's specifically about Glastonbury and it's a kind of song from the point of view of a couple of boisterous lads who are preparing to go down to Glastonbury.
But I would point out that there are a couple of similarities between our songs.
The spoken word intro.
Yeah.
And a mention of pooing.
Of course.
Well, I mean, that is one of the central things, isn't it?
Yeah.
Pivots of the festival experience.
So here's my one.
I'm not really sure what it's called.
I think it's just called the Glastonbury song.
But here's song number two in Song Wars.
Right, yeah, register, download the correctly formatted passport, photo, get a hundred and sixty-four pounds out, you'll be looking for your postage, burn a coat, five and ten, and now, me and my mate Terry, we're gonna glist on very, we're gonna have a very good time.
Don't care if it's all muddy, we'll just dive in in the muddy, and dance and drink and try and snuck, girls.
I'll try to get on telly but hello mum on my belly Eat full of apples then full of birds then be sick Add if someone licks or ten I'll get angry and violent Punch a hippie, smoke a cigarette
Last time I was here I ate a space case And it made me feel a little geekly And like I was in love with everybody in the whole world I tried to help them live up their bases Turned into demons I lost out in the madness These are tick monkeys don't do drugs So what we do this year
It's just drink a lot of beer, buy a Jester's hat, and throw things at Jay-Z.
I hate those quarter-loos, so for three days I won't poo, then I'll do one by the road on the way home.
We'll go to see hot chick, then have some nice hot chips, meet a sexy girl, and get on really well.
She'll take me to her teepee And hopefully sleep with me We'll text for two weeks They'll never see each other again Oh, Glastonbury's gonna be wicked
There we go, so it's the Glastonbury song versus, what was your one?
Just the festival song.
The festival song, couple of inspired titles there.
Vote for your favourite by text during the live show on 64046, or by email only if you're not listening to the live show here on Saturday morning.
And if you're confused, or maybe slightly hungover, what you are now listening to is live.
Well that's not going to do them any good though if they're listening again.
But if you're not listening to it live,
This is not live.
The best way to judge it is... How can you tell?
How can you tell?
Well, you look at a newspaper, or think about what day it is, or look at the clock, right?
And if it's not between 9 and 12 on Saturday morning, it's probably not live.
It's gonna be confusing for some people.
So get voting.
But we'll have a reminder of those songs, of course, before the end of the show today.
But now it's back to some real music.
This is young chap.
He's called Sam Sparrow, and this is black and gold.
No it isn't.
Oh yes it is.
Here it is.
Who was that then?
How was Julian Coke?
Oh I like him.
He's good isn't he?
You see the one that writes the books about the stones?
Yes.
Yeah.
We've got one of those books.
He's one of the most intelligent men in rock.
It's wicked, the book about the big stones.
He's done all kinds of amazing things Julian Coke, you know.
He's one of these people whose knowledge and enthusiasm is even, you know, it's even greater than his talent.
I'm one of those people.
No, you're not.
Really?
No, no.
What kind of books have you written?
I've written a series of detective novels.
Yeah.
I wrote them when I was seven.
Well, I'm sure you could relaunch the... Because more or less Julian Cope is credited with kind of re-establishing Scott Walker as a credible musical presence.
After years and years of sort of relative obscurity, he brought out a compilation in the 80s
of all Scott Walker's best kind of tracks and in the process kind of completely helped people to reassess the canon, the Walker canon.
And now Scott Walker has a huge influence on many of the young bands what are in the charts.
Yeah, I mean I'm not saying obviously that people wouldn't have discovered Scott Walker without Julian Cope, but Julian Cope certainly helped.
And of course he wrote a book called Crap Rock Sampler, all about amazing German music from the southern... The myth thing.
The myth thing.
And of course the book about stones that you're talking about.
How come you've got it?
Have you read it then?
Uh, we've had a good flick through it when we go on journeys into, uh, into Britain's hinterlands.
We often look at the book to see whether there's any kind of, uh, you know, neolithic thing that we can go and see.
Yeah.
Get out on the coat book.
Yeah.
Plus he's got, uh, good things to say about parenting.
Does he?
Yeah.
He's generally a genius.
Uh, yeah.
He's a good guy, but, um, you know, unhinged, obviously went through a long period of being completely nuts.
I like.
me like you so the votes are coming in thick and fast for song wars uh i'd say it's quite divided this week with a slight bias towards uh adam's songs so far that's the early running uh we've had such text as this one from ross saying love them both especially adam's line about the creche but joe's just won it for me this week with the awesome space cake interlude that was a very good interlude
Nicely produced.
You're just padding it out.
You're very, very kind.
But here's another one.
Hang on, where's the one... Yes, Joe is a white Stevie Wonder.
In his golden period he was untouchable, but now he's a shadow of his former self.
Today he reached a musical nadir.
Says Tommy Danger.
Danger?
What are you on about?
So I'd say Buxton's just about pipping it at the moment.
So get your vote in via email.
I take all that stuff back about the texts I've been told off.
Because apparently it's wrong to encourage people to text, so you've got to send your votes via email.
Adam and Jo will one word with an A-N-D, not an ampersand, dot, six music, uh, what?
At bbc.co.uk.
Yeah, don't text for song wars.
You can text for other things though, right?
The problem with texting for song wars is that because we encourage people to vote for song wars right throughout the week, because we don't reveal the winner until next week's show, the texts can't be counted during the week, so we don't want you to waste your text money on a vote that won't be counted, you know?
We're looking out for you, listeners, at the end of the day.
Well said.
Right.
Excuse me, I've got a little bit of a frog happening in my throat area.
But Song Wars, the last thing I'll say on Song Wars is that I felt as if I was not scraping the bottom of the barrel, but certainly some of my techniques were getting a bit samey, and certainly the structure of my song was very samey, and I think I even used the same drum and bass pattern that I'd used before.
And that's a disgrace, isn't it?
We need new life.
We either need a new idea for a kind of segment,
Or we need some new instruments, or some new garage band loops.
Well, let me ask you this.
Is it acceptable to recruit other musicians?
To get session musicians in of some kind?
I'd say no.
What?
Well, let's talk about it more later in the show, maybe.
That's an interesting premise.
Let's have a bit of De La Soul.
Someone emailed in very angry that I'd pronounced them De La Soul.
Of course, it's De La Soul.
And this is me, myself and I.
That's After Hours by We Are Scientists.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
So let's have this discussion about song wars then.
Your suggestion is to bring in other musicians.
I'm saying that we should throw open the doors to all kinds of musical influences and techniques in order to broaden the palette.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just worried that it shouldn't be a competition for who has the most time during the week.
Do you know what I mean?
Sometimes if you're very busy during the week or I am, then it's not song wars, it's availability wars.
Well, that's something that you just got to live with though, isn't it?
That's what was happening before.
We've both got to struggle with that occasionally, don't we?
Sometimes we have a busy week and then... Well, you're right, because on the other hand, one wouldn't want any sort of competitive feeling to in any way stifle creativity.
You wouldn't want one person not to do a thing just because the other person fears losing.
Well, exactly.
That's no way.
You know, we're striving for musical excellence here, aren't we?
But at the same time... Joe fears losing.
I might fear losing if you bring in... You've got more rockstar friends than I have.
Than I have.
Well... You have.
I don't know anybody, really.
Of course you do.
No, not as well as you do.
You know Travis.
You've got blue tones in your locker.
That's it.
Martin Morris is probably the only musician... Charlotte Hasley.
Mmm, true.
Um... That's it.
Who do you know?
I know them all, all the greats.
Exactly.
Yeah, but, um, who do I- I can get, uh, yeah, I can get Tim Bucks 3.
You could get the Travis, you could get, uh, you could probably get the Spoon Man if you haven't scared him off.
Maybe?
Listen, I'm not proposing, I'm sure these people are busy.
They've got their own things to do, they've got their own careers to worry about.
I am proposing, you know, if you've got a mate who can play guitar, you get him in.
Right.
Do a bit of session guitar.
Session guitar.
Take you to a different level, right?
So you don't have to lean on GarageBand the whole time.
Yeah.
Johnny Maracas, he comes round, he's the king of Maracas.
Well, let's throw this open to the listeners.
Listeners, what do you think?
Do you think we should do that?
Give us a give us an email Can they text about that?
Yeah, because it's non-competitive you can text 64046 in a second.
We're gonna have Some text the nation fun, but right now here's a little bit more music.
This is one I've chosen for you listeners This is Frank black and it's from an album that came out a couple of years called
Chris Mass.
A couple of years ago.
Did I not say a go?
No.
I'm very sorry.
He's popping it in for you.
How embarrassing.
Thank you very much for popping in there.
That's alright.
A go there.
Yeah, Chris Mass is the album, and this is a great track on here.
And as far as I can recall, it doesn't actually have drums in it, but it's so... though his playing is so percussive, it really drives along.
I hope you enjoy it.
It's almost like a sort of mantra of this song, and it's called, Do What You Want, Guinashua by Frank Black.
Frank Black with Do What You Want, Garnishois.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music, and I think it's time to launch Text-o-Nation.
Text-o-Nation.
Text, text, text, Text-o-Nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text-o-Nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
This week it's a confessional text the nation.
We're going to do a text the nation about terrible things you've done to teachers.
Yeah, because people complain obviously a lot about their teachers, you know, and there are terrible teachers out there who inflict a lot of pain and suffering on their students, as well as obviously many great
Well that's how it used to be in the old days.
These days it's more about feeling pity for the teachers.
Well exactly.
And the awful things that pupils do to the teachers.
We're talking about, or I'm thinking about that particular period in your mid-adolescence when something chemically inside you forces you to push the boundaries of the world.
Do you know what I mean?
When you say you.
Are you mainly talking about yourself?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah, sure.
Me, you.
Yes, of course.
But I think every teenager goes through a phase where they kind of have to experiment with the limits of human endurance.
And humour endurance as well.
I can't actually talk this morning.
No, because a lot of the time, you know, the teasing, once you find a teacher who's a little bit vulnerable, and one person starts going at that teacher and teasing and niggling a little bit,
that teacher is doomed if they don't immediately squash the humor front.
So we're looking for your shameful stories, and we're not trying to sort of aggrandize this kind of behavior.
No, this is... We want confessional stuff.
We want people who are sorry for taking advantage of their teachers in a terrible way.
And this is an opportunity to apologize.
And we might add that it might be a good idea to maybe create pseudonyms for some of these teachers, because we don't want to humiliate real people.
We don't want actual names.
Call them Mr. or Mrs. X. Yeah.
Or just invent a name for the teacher.
And yourself, if necessary.
The whole thing can be done anonymously.
Yes, and we certainly don't want to be humiliating teachers who are, you know, teaching that's a hard enough job as it is, right?
So this is an opportunity for you to say sorry and to make amends, but we also want to hear the stories of what you actually did.
For instance, when I was at school, I picked on a particular teacher who I'd identified as maybe somebody who couldn't fight back.
And I burst into her history class.
I wasn't in the class.
I had a kind of free study period, but I wasn't studying.
I burst into her class, sort of dressed as a ghost buster.
First of all, I pushed a friend into her class.
He was covered in a sheet.
He was a ghost.
I pushed him in first, waited a couple of minutes for him to have done a bit of haunting.
then got a fire extinguisher and I don't know how else maybe a satchel on my back and burst in claiming I was a ghostbuster I didn't set off the fire extinguisher but I chased him round the classroom I think I was in that class possibly as a as a
a ghost buster and then chased him out again.
Of course it grew ha ha.
The teacher got very very angry.
Of course.
So about ten minutes later I took a, you know, one of those horrible paintings you have on the wall of a school, Constable's The Hayway, and a nasty print with bits of bubble gum all over it.
Yeah.
I took it off the wall.
I walked into the classroom.
This is the most awful bit that makes me feel really genuinely ashamed.
and I started an apology I said miss I'm really really sorry that's such an awful thing to do I'm sorry I disrupted your class she believed me at this point I was being very sincere and I said so as a gesture of apology we'd like to present you with this
copy of Constable's The Hayway.
Right, and what did she do then?
She cried, I think.
She got really upset.
Yeah.
It was really horrible.
She wasn't crying because she was so touched, though, was she?
No.
She was crying because she was completely humiliated.
It wasn't, you know, a genuine version of The Hayway, and it was just a print
So do you ever wake up sweating and sort of thinking, what the hell was I thinking about?
I do.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
And this is an official opportunity for you, Joe Cornish, to say, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Did you do anything similar, Adam?
I never went to those extremes.
I mean, you were really pushing the boat out there.
Are you sure you didn't?
No, not really, because I was fairly timid and I was too frightened of authority.
I didn't want to get busted, you know, I would sit around, I was one of these weeds, even worse maybe than the bully boys who just sat around and giggled when there was another bully boy doing their stuff, you know, pathetic.
We were in the same history class and we did a thing where, well, the history teacher made a bit of a mistake when we were misbehaving, he said, look, I'm going to leave the class and stand outside the door until someone comes out here and apologises.
This was in the first few minutes of the class.
40 minutes later,
Still there.
We all just filed out of the classroom.
Bye-bye, sir.
Bye, sir.
Sorry, sir.
But the thing is that there was a sort of... The problem is that there's always an atmosphere of bullying at a lot of schools anyway, and part of it is the fault of some of the bully boy teachers.
So you've got other teachers at the same time as maybe the weaker ones,
You've got other real ruffians who perhaps shouldn't be teaching who are behaving disgracefully.
Encouraging the kids.
Exactly.
So maybe the kids, they find a slightly weaker teacher, more easygoing teacher, and they vent all their frustration and fury on that one.
I'm thinking about another teacher that we had who would routinely humiliate people by making them sit in the bin.
Right?
Did you have that?
Sit in the bin!
Oi!
Sit in the bin!
And so you'd have to go and sit in the bin, and he'd always pick on, like, the fat bloke as well, you know, or, uh, there was a Chinese guy in there, he'd go, oi, chinky, sit in the bin.
I mean, it was totally outrageous stuff that you could never get away with, you know what I mean?
Like, now you would immediately get fired, you would get, uh, disciplined, the school would be shut down quite rightly, but, you know, he was coming out with some outrageous stuff.
That's outrageous.
So listen, text your stories of awful things you've done to a teacher to 64046.
We want shame, we want contrition, we want apologies.
Yeah.
Okay.
And sincere ones.
And use made up names, otherwise we'll all be in trouble.
Now here's Chromio with Fancy Footwork.
Fancy Footwork there by Chromio.
That sounded a little bit like... What was that song?
You're the one for me.
Open up from the ground and shout out loud.
You're the one for me.
Who was that by?
I don't know.
We'll find out.
Okay.
But that was good, wasn't it?
This is Adam and Joel on BBC Six Music on a Saturday morning.
Coming to the midway point in the show, we've already launched Song Wars.
We'll be playing those songs again towards the end of the show.
And we're in the midst of Text the Nation.
And we're asking you about shameful things you've done to sort of pick on a teacher.
And we're not aggrandising this kind of behaviour.
No, we look down on it.
Yeah, no, definitely.
We don't want to hear just horrible stories about bullying that you've been doing to teachers.
No, we want to hear
kind of sort of St.
Trinian's, Billy Bunter style, you know, Beano style activity.
We don't want stabbing and text bullying and all these nasty, naughty behaviours, do we?
No, exactly.
We want to go kind of period with this.
Japes.
Japes is the word.
Yeah.
Lovely japes.
Not things that actually ruined people's lives.
Which maybe my Ghostbusters thing did.
Well, exactly.
Do you think that was really horrible, my Ghostbusters story?
It was totally undermining her credibility, isn't it?
There's a certain amount of either in there, though.
No, I mean, it's how vicious can Ghostbusters get as a premise?
It's not, it's not like totally malicious.
You're not like pinning up against a wall and threatening her with a knife or something.
That was a ghost in there.
That's what they do at Grange Hill nowadays, you know?
Is this?
It's all knives and pinning people up against walls and stuff like that.
I think it's guns these days.
It's guns.
Rocket launchers.
Exactly.
But that kind of mental cruelty and humiliation and ribbery, right, that you're indulging in there, that can be just as damaging sometimes.
I didn't know I was very young.
Yeah.
Didn't understand.
I was being bullied.
You were being bullied?
I wanted to bully someone else.
The hard lads, you see, all, everybody hands it on to each other, don't they?
Yeah, let's not make this about me though.
Oh, I think we should.
Please don't.
Okay then, have you got any of that have come in there?
We have, but I'm gonna sort through them because, you know, these have to be looked at with a precise psychological eye.
We have to bring in various big British Castle rule books to filter them through and experts.
It's a controversial show this morning.
It seems strangely controversial.
There's an air of edginess in the air.
Yeah, so we've got a bit tread very carefully.
Yeah, okay, then.
What about this trail?
What's going to happen in the trail?
Something's going to go wrong.
Someone's going to say something bad.
It's going to be an edgy trail.
Who's it for?
Saturday, so I presume it's Saturday.
Edgy day, difficult day.
It could have been about George Lamb.
That would have been potentially more tricky.
Yeah.
But no, Saturday's a day of joy and fun.
Let's find out what you've got to look forward to, listeners.
Sweet Jane there by Velvet Underground.
What's that keyboard noise there?
That's a really nice noise, isn't it?
That is a keyboard, isn't it, I assume?
I wonder what sort of a keyboard that is.
Now that we do Song Wars, I envy noises like that.
You know, noises I can't access.
You're a noise queen now.
Yeah, you get quite obsessed with keyboard noises and stuff.
And that's a nice one.
I want to get hold of that.
That sounds analog-y though.
You can get lots of vintage keyboard noises, you know, that you can plug into.
Can you?
That's what we need, new loops.
Yeah.
This is Adam and Joel on BBC Six Music.
We've been talking about weird commercials over the last few weeks.
Adam, you had a bit of a problem with the clearest old advert with the mum and the boyfriend and the daughter on the sofa.
Yes, thanks to everybody who explained that to me, by the way.
You were having some problems with Andy McDowell's hair advert.
Yes, she's got storylines instead of just wrinkles.
Yeah, someone was suggesting, I can't remember who it was, someone sent in an email suggesting that if you had a double chin you could call it your subplot.
Haha, that's very good.
I'll try and find that person's name to give them credit.
But I've spotted an advert that's weirding me out for a new breakfast cereal called Optivita.
Oh yes.
And it's from Kellogg's.
There are many other companies that make cereals and many other cereals available.
And I'm not talking really about the product here.
I must be careful to stress.
Just the advert for the product.
It starts off with a chef called Aldo Zilli.
He's Italian.
And he has this sort of silly Italian accent, you know.
He probably just talks like this when he's off camera.
But when he's on, Camry talks like this.
I know, Zilly.
He's walking through a market full of fresh produce.
Ooh, it's so fresh and good for you.
Yeah.
And he's talking about cholesterol.
And how if you've got high cholesterol, you have to watch what you eat, right?
You have to watch everything.
You're living on a knife edge.
People are always saying, don't eat that, mate.
It's not good for your cholesterol.
No, it's not good for my cholesterol.
Right?
It's like the Dolmio.
This is a terrible stereotype.
It's like the Dolmio family, you know?
Right, yeah.
I'm not reflecting the way real Italians speak.
No.
I have to be so careful here on the big British castle.
It's a minefield.
Anyway, he's walking through this market.
He starts banging on about this new cereal, Optivita.
And he says, it's a specifically designed to combat a cholesterol.
Literally like that.
Now, this is my point.
He says, specifically designed.
And he makes a great play of the word, specifically.
And that's why they've got him.
Because he's Italian, and he doesn't say specifically.
He says, specifically.
Right.
And they're so pleased with the way he says, specifically, that they've put it on the box in huge letters.
Specifically designed to a slower cholesterol.
Now, why...
Does it matter that it's specifically designed?
You know, would it matter if something was accidentally designed to lower cholesterol?
We have two cereals!
This one accidentally lower cholesterol, this one specifically lower cholesterol, or choose the specifically lower cholesterol.
Does that make sense to you?
Yeah, because, you know, you know, it's gonna do a really amazing job.
Because it's- but what if- what if something does a better job, and isn't specifically developed?
That's not as good, because, you know, scientists weren't involved.
Well, now it's time to hear from Catherine Cracknell, and she was specifically designed to read the news!
Ooh, ow, ow!
Ooh, no, let's not play Master and Servant any more that hurts.
That's filthy.
That's gonna leave a scar.
Stop it.
Absolute filth.
Pure pornography there from Depeche Mode with Master and Servant.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.
We're in the midst of, uh, textination.
We should have set ourselves a little bit of a tricky one this week.
I don't think so.
I just think there's a sort of inappropriate and unnecessary post-9-11 atmosphere of paranoia in the studio today.
Yeah.
I think we're going to be fine with this.
The thing about this is when you sort of, um, bully's the wrong word, torture's the wrong word, are naughty towards teachers.
It's the sort of thing your parents always tell you off about.
They go, oh, how could you?
That's so cruel.
You're so horrible.
Then there's a pause.
Then they go, I remember when I was at school.
And then they tell you some hideous thing they've done.
Yeah, it's a kind of cyclical rites of passage that will be stopped today.
It's a psychic proving ground, the relationship between teacher and student.
Maybe that's why we played Master and Servant there by depression mode.
You know what though, we'd really like to hear from some teachers as well.
Either there's some teachers who've endured Jaipuri, or some teachers who've got some ideas for how to deal with it.
Well, let's not forget the actual Jaipuri.
Let's have a look at some of these texts that have come in.
Here's someone called RME, they're gonna remain anonymous.
Apart from that, in primary school, inspired by a Grange Hill story involving humming during classes, an angry teacher was targeted.
and the mental destruction began over a long period.
During the final term, he was continually hummed at.
Humming would pass like a torch from one person to another.
It was cruel, as he would have to chase the hum around the classroom.
I won't go into what happened to him.
No, but he was fine.
But humming is a big thing, isn't it?
Yeah, that's very destructive, and that's really... But that's classic.
That's an age-old thing.
That's a good way to wonder mine.
If the teacher, yeah, if it's an unpopular teacher, because you can't tell who's doing it.
Or the other thing to do is, whenever the teacher says um or are, you just say um, are.
A little bit like, do you remember that bit in the day-to-day?
I think there was a great sketch with Steve Coogan in there, and they were all, and Patrick Marber.
And it was some kind of team building thing, and they were all, every time he said um or ah, the rest of the team had to say um, ah, um, um, to make him totally nervous, and he can do that with a teacher.
Don't do that.
Don't do any of these things, listeners.
Don't do this.
Once, when I was 15, we had a supply teacher for English.
Due to a leak in our classroom, we were moved to the home economics room, which had a large cupboard at the back, hidden by a giant poster.
When the supply teacher came in, we all stood up.
She went to get some paper from the English room, and the whole class
piled into the cupboard and hid.
She came back and couldn't work out where we were.
She came back with the head, and we all fell out of the cupboard.
She cried, don't do that.
That's an example of something not to do.
Here's another example of something never to do.
In an attempt to wind up the IT staff, I put a series of password protected bespoke screensavers on the library computers.
They featured Richard Nixon saying hello on an endless loop.
Unfortunately, this ended up annoying only the librarian who was a lovely woman and a friend of my mother's.
There you go.
Typical.
Shouldn't have done it.
Here's another one.
At college, we used to wind up the principal by implying that he was an alcoholic and placing adverts on the notice board for his car and other possessions that needed to be sold due to urgent debts.
With his direct telephone number, it was funny.
Cheers, James.
Don't do that.
No, very few of these people are actually trying to make amends or apologize for the things they've done.
Here's another one.
At the start of our very first physics lesson at my new school, the teacher announced, you can give me any nickname you like as long as you don't call me Biggles.
Guess what we called him for the next five years.
Sorry, Biggles, from Stewart in Liverpool.
There you go.
So, there must be, as part of teacher's training, a section of the course that teaches you how to deal with at least the classic sort of teacher trickery.
Yeah, Pranks 101, surely.
Humming is so old.
I mean, that's been going on for hundreds of years.
There must be an agreed technique to dealing with humming.
Maybe it's just attention.
Yeah.
Maybe it's just an iron fist.
How would you deal with it, teacher Buckles?
You've got to earn their trust, don't you?
You've got to... I would do some rapping.
I would make up a rap about how it's bad to hum, and then I would do the rap to the class.
Because the kids love rap.
They love to rap.
So I'd say, OK, hey, hey, class, calm down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Listen, can I just say to you this?
I'd say it like that as well.
What would you rhyme with humming?
Hey there, kids.
Stop your humming.
Hey there, kids.
You got trouble coming.
If you're not careful, you're gonna be slumming in a world where humming ain't acceptable in that way.
Hey, just stop that.
Otherwise, I'm gonna have to give you a smack, you prat.
At that point, your head is struck by 50 textbooks.
No it isn't, they got... they got asked though, were you kissing me?
We used to think Mr Buckles was a jerk, but then he started rapping and he really want me over.
He really want me over.
I'm not gonna misbehave in Dr Buckles class anymore.
Keep your tame, we stress tame.
We don't want any actual, like, long-lasting psychological damage done to teachers.
And remember, this is all in an instructional context, where warning kids not what not to do.
Yeah?
264046, this is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
Is it music's time?
Yeah.
So, are we gonna play this David Byrne track?
Do you wanna play it later?
Well, there's no sense in playing it later.
We either play it or we don't.
The only reason I was... Listen, I was hovering, because I do love this track, right?
This is from a great album by David Byrne called Music from the Knee Plays.
Was it a bit weird?
It is a bit weird.
And he did it for this production of a stage thing, Robert Wilson's Knee Plays, and Byrne wrote some music for it, and it's a little bit like...
Let's give it a go.
If it doesn't agree with us, we can come out of it early.
But I like it for a number of reasons.
A, it's very self-consciously sort of pretentiously arty, right?
But the thing that he's doing throughout, it's called In the Future, the track.
He's making predictions, kind of nomic predictions for what will happen in the future.
And so this came out in the early 80s, and a lot of his predictions, even though they're fairly vague, are sort of on the money.
Listen to what he's got to say, and we can come in, because this is a long one.
We'll come in, we won't play the whole thing.
We played the whole thing in the end that was good.
I like that good.
That was great.
I want to live in that future Well, it's the kind of music you either love or loathe, but I love that kind of thing That's David Byrne from the knee plays that was called in the future And that was probably one of the last times that he did that kind of thing You know, he's got such a wonderful voice for declaiming in that very monotone way What's he doing at the moment David Byrne?
What's his latest release?
You know?
Burn.
I always buy his records when they come out.
Well, he does the music for a show called Big Love, all about, well, there was a news story all about the oligomists.
And it's a good show, actually.
And he does it for that.
It's a show about Mormons.
It's about a polygamist family, yes.
Are they Mormons?
They are Mormons.
I think they are Mormons.
Mormons?
Mormons.
He does loads of things, David Byrne.
There's a good interview between David Byrne and Tom York, which is in Wired magazine, and that's online.
It's well worth checking out if you're a fan of either of those two people.
But he's a genius.
Now, I should say thank you to everyone who's been texting in for Text the Nation.
Some of you should really look deep into your souls, though, and have a think about what you've done in the past.
There are some terrible, terrible, terrible confessions coming in.
Well, there's loads that we just can't read out, because they're so grim.
Quite a lot that we can't read out, because, yeah, they're just not very nice.
But there are some light-hearted, funny, and enjoyable ones.
Or ones that are kind of nasty in an amusing way that, you know, compel themselves to be read out.
Do you want to hear some more?
Yeah, go on, give us a couple more before we play some PJ Harvey.
Well, why don't we play some Harvey, then come back and have a proper go at them?
Alright, that's a good idea.
Here's A Perfect Day Elise by PJ Harvey.
Polygene Harvey with A Perfect Day Elise.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
That was from her 1998 album, Is This Desire?
I would say yes, that is.
Glad we cleared that up.
We're in the middle of Text the Nation.
It's the exciting part of the show where we ask you to text things into us and we read them out to you.
It's the nation's favourite feature.
Yeah.
And this week's subject is... We haven't found the correct way to word this without using any inflammatory words like bully.
or torture, or make life hell.
What would be a nice soft way?
Tricks.
Classroom tricks.
Pranks.
Pranks to play on teachers.
Pranks.
Japery.
Pranks not to play on teachers.
Ribbing.
Yeah, exactly.
These are all things that you should never do.
Well, it started off as well as a confessional, didn't it?
Exactly.
It's an opportunity to say sorry for things that you've done at school.
Right.
To teachers.
So here are some what have come in.
This is from someone called Rill in Peckham.
He or she says I'm from Oz, so you don't need to worry about names.
In year seven, my classmates dared me to ask if our teacher was a virgin.
So I stuck up my hand and said, Miss, have you ever been mated?
She went bright red.
Mated.
I like that.
Here's another one from Sophie.
Not me but my brother used to do classroom surfing.
The game was to stand on one's desk while teacher Mrs. H's back was turned.
Particularly difficult as the classroom was very small.
Six desks only in it.
Poor woman.
Desk surfing.
So you had to actually get up on your desk and then I suppose down again before you were seen?
That's good.
I like that.
That's a very good game.
These are just games.
They're innocent games.
They could do that in the House of Commons.
They should do that.
This sort of thing goes on in the House of Commons.
It's part of the national character.
Exactly.
Brownie definitely does that.
Here's another one for someone called... No, this is an anonymous text, but the trickery was aimed at someone called Mrs. Moose.
Not a good name to start with.
Maybe it's a pseudonym.
We used to rewind the harrowing film Escape from Sobibor every time our hum teacher, humanities, what would hum be?
Yeah.
Every time our teacher left the room.
So this is a classroom where they were being shown a movie, right?
Sometimes if you're lucky towards the end of the term, they'll show you a movie vaguely connected to something you're studying.
Right.
It's just an excuse for the teacher to remember Escape from Sobibor.
But this class rewound it every time, so they started from the beginning and watched the same bit for about a year.
So they made a, like, 90-minute feature.
Last a year.
We also used to sing Happy Birthday to her at the beginning of every lesson.
That's nice and abstract because it's so joyful you can't interrupt a round of happy birthday.
It's not my... Here's another one from Jill.
My uncle used to get sent out of class and stand in the quad by the classroom window.
Okay.
When the teacher then handed books out, the class passed them along and out the window to him and he hid them all.
I like the idea of passing books around a classroom and then them just going out the window.
Yeah.
None of them arrive at their destination.
Another one from Jimin Hackney.
When Mr Jackson left our chemistry class in a rage of fury at someone setting fire to a textbook, we put cellotape across the door so he became entangled like a big fly when he burst back in.
That's quite good, isn't it?
That sounds a bit out of hand though, you're burning the books in there.
I know, the fire... Let's forget the fire thing and just go with the innocent japery of the sellotape.
The fun sellotape, Jake.
Yeah, okay, one last one.
And this is kind of like a French art movie sort of thing.
Hi, Adam and Jo.
In my old school, there was a supply teacher who was known for being a real pushover.
You could do almost anything in her classes without fear of punishment.
This reached its zenith when a particularly naughty kid stripped down to his wife fronts and began smoking one of his dead cigars.
That's the sort of thing Gerard Depardieu did as a boy in school, don't you think?
I mean, that's way out of control.
It's difficult for the supply teachers as well because they often, you know, they don't have the relationship there with the children.
It's way out of control and way into cool troll.
Well, that's the kind of thing that Tom Cruise might have done.
Exactly.
It's wrong, but yeah, right, but wrong.
Yeah.
No, bad.
Good.
Bad.
Nakedness is a- is a good one.
Oh, it's a problematic area though, isn't it?
It is, these days, yeah.
But Wyffronts, there's nothing sexual about Wyffronts.
I don't know, Wyffronts.
It's been tested.
No.
If your teacher got down to his Wyffronts, so that would be a problem, wouldn't it?
No, there's nothing sexual about Wyffronts.
They were designed by the British in the, uh, to stop people becoming aroused in the military.
You are happy with the teacher in Wyffronts?
Anyone in Wyffronts.
There's nothing sexual, it's- they're revolting.
Okay, this is official then.
Joe Cornish BBC says there's no problem with teachers just wearing Wi-Fi.
Or kids, anyone can wear Wi-Fi.
They're designed to cancel out any kind of sexual feelings.
It's totally appropriate for any situation.
Moving on.
We'll come back to some more texts quite soon.
Do keep them coming in.
The text number is 64046.
The email is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
Is this a top of hour sweeper?
Well, it says it on the thing.
I think we should do what we're told.
Okay.
Here's the sweeper.
High fidelity by Elvis Costello and the attractions.
You're an Elvis fan.
Where's that from, roundabout?
It's from 1980, Adam.
Oh.
Yeah, you'd have the answer.
Thanks a lot, mate.
Which album is that from?
Uh, I don't know.
Um, so, uh, I went to the theatre this week.
Oh.
Yeah, the theatre.
Do you remember the theatre?
Yeah, I do.
I try and avoid the theatre.
What did you go to the theatre for?
My lady friend bought tickets, so I went along.
Does she love the theatre?
We like to see things, you know.
Well, she's got shorter legs than you do.
She does.
This is a play that's going on in London in The Old Vic, which is run by the great Hollywood actor Kevin Spacey.
Oh, Speed the Plow.
Speed the Plow.
I've been thinking about going to see Speed the Plow.
Really?
I was going to break my no theatre rule to go and see that.
Well, I'd done it.
How was it?
It was pretty good.
Oh, come on.
No, it was pretty good.
I tell you who else is in it.
Goldblum.
Jeff Goldblum.
He's amazing.
I love Jeff Goldblum.
He is amazing.
And you know what?
The thing about Jeff Goldblum is that he is obviously physically extraordinary.
Yeah, he's got the best hand gestures in the business.
Absolutely.
But in the movies, you seldom get a full body shot of Jeff Goldblum, so you don't get a chance to watch his hands moving in consort with his feet and head and other bits and areas.
He's hugely tall, isn't he?
He's hugely tall.
He might even be taller than me.
Maybe, I don't know.
I'm pretty hugely tall.
Yep.
But man, he looks amazing.
How tall are you?
45 feet.
45 feet?
That's hugely tall.
I mean, that's too tall.
It's impractical.
You're about six.
No, I'm six foot two.
Six foot two.
And a bit.
That's right.
Yeah.
So, but he's a big chap and he's got huge hands and a tiny head, which is very exciting to look at.
What's going on?
You feel like you're at the foot of a mountain, or maybe on drugs, because nothing's the right proportions.
He looks a little bit like the action figure that came out for his Jurassic Park character.
Right.
Well, no surprises there.
Or maybe that is a surprise, because action figures don't usually get the lightness right.
Well, do you remember the... It had a big chunky body and a tiny little... Tiny head, that's true.
...plastic head.
That's true.
Anyway, watching him move around in full body was extraordinary.
And Spacey does a good job.
He tries very hard as well.
And it's generally not such a good play for the beginning.
I was thinking, this isn't very good.
This is a bit obvious.
These are Hollywood cliches.
But then in the third act, it suddenly all starts to make sense.
And it suddenly starts to be really good.
What's it about, Brief Synopsis?
It's about a head of production at a studio and a producer, and they're fighting, and they've got a big pitch to make in the morning, and they're deciding whether to do a crappy movie.
or whether to do an adaptation of an amazingly profound sort of philosophical novel.
And it's by David Mamet.
Yeah, and there's a sexy girl who I think in the first production was played by Madonna, she's like the intern, and she's passionate about the novel.
And who's it played by here, Kat Dealey?
You know what?
I don't know the name of the actress.
I didn't look at the program.
Kat Dealey?
It was Kat Dealey, which is brilliant.
It was Natasha Kaplinsky.
She's brilliant.
Kaplinsky Dazzles.
Yeah, that's very bad of me not to know the name of the actress, but she was radiant and marvellous.
Was it Honeysuckle Weeks?
Yes.
Who's that?
Don't you know who Honeysuckle Weeks is?
No, she's in Foil's War.
Really?
Yes.
She's attractive.
Anyway, carry on.
I don't think it is, honey.
Anyway, the last point was, my final point is, there is an atmosphere of terror at the Old Vic.
Do you know why?
Why?
Because it's run with a rod of iron by Spacey, and he shouts at people if their phones go off.
Does he?
Do you remember that story?
Yes, I do.
If your phone goes off during the production of Speed the Plow, the play will stop, Spacey will come out of character, and like a teacher, he will turn to you and shout at you.
So I think this was at the forefront of everyone's...
minds in the auditorium it was a bit like a class of children sitting down for a talk yeah given by big hollywood men and uh someone's alarm did go it was on buzz what did kpax do well it came at a point when there was a dramatic pause yeah so it was a very dramatic pause he didn't know whether he was gonna but no he he got over it he ignored it but i could have been embarrassed in the theater yeah of course because it's a bit of an artificial situation isn't it
Well, it certainly strips away all the levels of craziness, and yeah, you're confronted by the ludicrousness of acting, aren't you?
Yeah, it's odd, it's odd.
Especially when dramatic things happen, and there's lots of moments in this play where someone will shout and then go really quiet for a long time, do you know what I mean?
And that's why I can't stand you!
like that and the man that my brain is just going so wanting me to make a noise or throw something at another point spacey pushes over an aluminium ladder in fury there's a very long silence after that he really milks that everyone's going
Panting on stage that's the next production milk the silence really that would be good under milk silence over milk silence even Anyway, I do recommend it if you live in London, maybe it'll tour it's short.
That's the main thing is it how long?
90 minutes.
Oh, that's no interval.
Ideal.
But Goldblum, what a genius.
His hands.
I love him, man.
They were doing amazing things.
I'm up for pretty much anything that he's been in, Goldblum.
Would you sleep with Goldblum?
Definitely.
Really?
Definitely.
In a bar?
Somewhere near the Old Vic?
What, sleep with him in the bar?
Can I not go home to bed with him?
No, I hadn't finished.
What if his huge hands settled on your tiny knee?
It's sounding a bit awful, isn't it?
No, I like it.
His beady eyes and his tiny head.
Nothing you're saying is putting me off.
He's very thin.
He obviously works out.
His suits are beautiful.
The best thing about the production was Goldblum's suits.
Yeah.
Oh, he looks great in a suit.
I fancy him.
He's the opposite of me.
Really?
Yeah.
It's true, isn't it?
I love him.
It's like Captain Caveman and Crazy Legs Crane making love.
Here's some Portishead for you.
Is this new Portishead?
Yes.
Magic Doors, they were amazing on Jules Holland.
You didn't happen to catch Jules Holland.
I didn't, but I hear their live sets are extraordinary.
They're the best.
They're playing at the moment, aren't they?
Best.
They're back with a bang.
Jules Holland thing I've seen for ages.
Tumane Diabate, have you ever seen him?
Playing, what's the instrument that guy plays?
The harmonica.
It's not the harmonica, but he was extraordinary.
I've never seen him in action before.
Lost Shadow Puppets they were on.
They were amazing.
And Portishead were fantastic.
It was the best Jules Holland I've ever seen.
Anyway, here's Magic Doors by Portishead.
That is Portishead and Magic Doors.
That is not the track they played on Jules Holland.
Didn't you like that one as much as the one they played on shows?
No, I didn't, no.
Is that their single?
No, it's not.
That's just a track from the new album, which is called Third, and apparently it's good.
I don't know, it's one of those albums that's been getting between three and four stars, you know?
Do you know what's funny about the timing of Portishead's comeback?
No.
Well, I'll tell you what it is, is that things have gone depressing again.
When all those Bristol bands became big, it was during the recession, wasn't it, of the mid-90s?
Uh-huh.
Uh, and things seem to be going that way again.
At least all the papers are very keen for it to go that way again.
Financial crunch, that's when people just had come out of the shadows.
Exactly!
They've timed it.
They just keep their eye on the stock market.
Whenever shares plunge, bang!
Album.
Don't you think that's true?
Possibly.
Yes, I do.
Well, Beth Gibbons came out with an album with Rustin Man, that's the pseudonym of one of the other members of Jeff Barrow, is it, from Portishead?
And that was a lovely album, and that was back in 2003, thereabouts, and it was very similar to the track they were playing last night on Jules.
So I'm hoping that maybe, I haven't listened to the whole of the Portishead album yet,
But I'm hoping it's more of the same.
You know, I'd be happy if it was like that Rustin man thing.
It was the wicked man.
Well, give it a listen then.
I will give it a listen.
You've got no one to blame but yourself.
Well, listen, I don't want to buy it, right?
I want to steal it from someone's desk.
That's six music.
There's a warning to everybody.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
Pretty soon we're going to be playing the Song Wars songs again.
We're also going to be wrapping up Text the Nation, which is going to be tricky to do because we've been inundated with amazing stories.
Have we got any responses from teachers?
Yeah, we do.
So we'll be coming back to that in a second.
But first, if there was an award for Best Track
on most incongruous cd then i think the following would get it this is from the Godzilla soundtrack Roland Emmerich's disastrous blockbuster remake of Godzilla which i've got a soft spot for well you know uh you love that film don't you we do like Roland Emmerich's Godzilla yeah you are a weirdo yeah another good album with uh incongruous album with excellent stuff on it is which we talked about a few weeks back is the a
original soundtrack for Cool World.
Right, which has what on it?
It's got a couple of Ino tracks, Brian Ino tracks.
Really?
That at that point had not been released in their beautiful tracks.
Well, similar thing here at this point, or at the point of which... I'm going to start that sentence again.
At the point when the Godzilla soundtrack was released, the following Ben Folds 5 track wasn't available anywhere else.
It's now available on the reissue of their first album, I think.
But this may be my favourite Ben Foll's track.
And it was written for Godzilla.
Wow.
And apparently he wasn't that happy with it.
He felt it was kind of unfinished.
Yeah, plus he was writing it for Godzilla.
Well, it doesn't necessarily reflect on the song itself, which is pretty incredible.
This is called Air.
That's the Funboy 3 with Bananarama.
with it ain't what you do it's the way that you do it are they a new band they're brand new uh it's very exciting that's going to be a big hit i think uh that's out on monday it's not it's not out on monday it's they're old all right it came out in the 80s that was a bit of a joke here little one the little tiny joke for you there but that's good that song man i mean that hasn't dated badly at all that still sounds amazing and when terry hall comes in there that's a thrilling moment that's uh tingles down the back of the spine
And, of course, the connection with that David Byrne track that we played earlier is, not that you need one, but David Byrne, of course, produced one of the Funboy 3 albums.
Do you remember that?
You were a big Funboy 3 fan, right?
Uh, yeah, kind of.
I had a lot of their seven inches.
I think maybe the album that Byrne produced is deleted now?
I might be wrong about that.
I like to get things wrong.
Let's have it deleted.
In fact, I got something wrong very recently.
I said that Beth Gibbons and Rustin Man was Beth Gibbons with Jeff Barrow from Porter's Head.
Oh, dear.
Ahhh, you idiot!
I hate you!
It's Paul Webb from Talk Talk.
I was just joking.
It was a joke.
It was one of my jokes.
It's a new type of humour.
Just called wrongness.
Just saying the wrong thing.
It's a joke.
It's a funny joke.
I could go, like, do a whole tour, you know?
And, um... Jingle!
Uh, Jingle Jingle Jongles?
No, it's time for the news very soon.
Is it?
Oh, okay, I do apologize.
Why did you just say Jingle like that?
Because I thought we were gonna do some text the nation.
I was all excited.
Oh, I see.
I completely forgot it was news time.
Hey, you gotta make way for the news, yo.
Make way for the news.
We've only got half an hour left of this show.
Oh no, we're overloaded with stuff.
Absolutely.
So after the news, we're going to resolve Texanation.
Plus, of course, we have to remind the listeners of our festival songs from Song Wars.
We do.
Lots to be done in the last half hour.
Absolutely.
Don't say it in that final way like that.
You still got a little while before the news.
It's exciting.
Yeah.
What were you going to do?
I'll say it in a different way.
You're holding up the sheet of paper as if you're going to say some things.
I am.
Keep your teacher stories coming in.
If you've done slightly unpleasant things to teachers in a confused adolescent state, tell us about them on 64046 or email adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
And we've also got a few responses coming in from teachers now, some of which we're going to read out after the news.
Favourite news story at the moment, Joe, apart from the 10p tax rate?
My favourite news story is probably, uh, just the weather.
I mean, it's a slow news day on the cover of, what is it, the cover of The Sun.
You've got a picture of Anne Robinson and the headline is, what is it?
The Weakest Freak?
Yes, she's just stuck her top lip out slightly.
Freakest Link, sorry.
Freakest Link.
And they've just got a picture of her where she's pouting a little bit.
And it's a big story on the cover of The Sun, all about the fact that she's got a trout pout.
Not exactly news, isn't it?
I don't know, see if that makes the bullet in.
Let's see if it gets covered.
Here's the news.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
I was epilae by Reuxop that you heard just before the Text the Nation jingle there.
Hard to tell one from the other, really.
It is, isn't it?
Both masterpieces of contemporary music.
Electronica.
I'm going to speed through some of these texts now about bad things you've done to teach us to make their lives misery.
We got so many of these in, and there are so many good ones.
I do apologise if I don't get to read yours out, but here...
is the pick of the cropping in the time we've had.
This is from Marian Lincoln.
When I was about 14 we had a maths teacher who we called Kipper.
One day before he came into the lesson I drew a Kipper on the blackboard.
It was wearing little glasses and a moustache like his.
When he came in and saw it he was apoplectic with rage, went purple in the face and was shaking.
The whole class held out though and didn't let on who had done it.
It was only so funny because he was so angry.
I'm 51 now but can still remember what a laugh it was.
So no remorse there.
The other thing I like about that is the teacher shouldn't have got angry at that.
The teacher handled it very badly.
Very badly?
Sometimes it's the teacher's fault.
Exactly.
Here's another one from Rob.
I rolled up a bundle of my cat's surplus fur and glued it into my exercise book before handing it in to my cat-hating maths teacher.
Sadly, he turned out to hate cats because he was very allergic to them and ended up in A&E.
I was so guilt-ridden, I worked ultra hard at maths and somehow ended up doing a PhD in maths.
So the joke's on me now.
That's a good story.
That's an extraordinary rollercoaster of consequences there.
Yeah.
This is from Rich P in Gloucester aged 33.
I turned my exercise book upside down and gave myself a new name on the back cover to fool a substitute teacher.
Richie P, my man.
The name he gave himself was Barry de Radish.
Barry, Barry de Radish, what do you think about that?
You said Barry de Radish.
Matt in Canterbury says two friends and I had won the confidence of our newly qualified history teacher.
She told us that she had her driving test one evening after school, so we tailgated her around in her test car.
with our car covered in good luck messages.
Does that make sense?
To her credit, she still passed and later became my boss at another school.
That's not really a prank, that's just over-enthusiastic niceness.
Yeah, that's sort of stalkerish waste of tea.
Yeah, too nice.
Here's another one.
Hello, I'm Luke.
And once I was the editor of my school magazine, I filled it with some rebellious satire.
There was something about the food, we rewrote the sports reports as if I were eight, and we said the headmaster was a racist.
The teacher meant to be in charge almost lost his job.
Of course!
How can you get away with that in the school mag?
Another one Katie says during our German classes when the teacher was writing on the board we used to stand up and shout cabbages.
By the time the teacher turned round we'd be sitting in our seats.
He just looked totally bemused and never once said anything.
That's a good tactic.
Yeah.
Just freeze the kids out.
Yes, psych them out.
Just act as if it's totally normal.
Cabbages.
It's good.
Yeah, it's good.
I think the teacher's got the right way to go around it.
And here's another classic one from Phil Gallagher.
He says, every time a particular one of our teachers look down in one lesson, we all shuffled our tables forward a tiny bit and ended up encircling him in a corner.
Hey, we did that one.
That's a classic one.
That's a good one.
If you do it incrementally, the teacher doesn't notice.
Yeah.
That's brilliant.
That's a loud, isn't it?
Yeah.
That's like classic stuff.
That's actually permitted.
I think it's illegal for a school to punish you for that.
If they turn round as well and go to the blackboard, you sort of creep forward.
That is a good one.
I've forgotten about that.
Yeah, that is a good one.
Any from teachers at all?
Yeah.
Do you want the teacher one?
No, here's the teacher one.
It's from Mark Johnson.
Hi, I feel the need to let you know about teacher's tricks too.
When invigilating exams, teachers play a few different games as the little lovelies are bent over their tests.
Game number one, walk around the desks in the shape of letters, usually spelling out swear words.
No, they don't do that.
Number two, standing by the ugliest child.
Spelling out swear words.
I can't believe it.
We're standing by the ugliest child.
Yeah, this one I've heard before that like if there's two teachers invigilating an exam, one will just go,
ugliest okay and then they wander around and stand by the ugliest one that's a good game uh and then number three is wandering around but when you come to the front add a line to a limerick usually an offensive one about the kids are the sweet taste of revenge another teacher texted in and and said just you know you mustn't forget that uh teachers go into the common room at the end of every lesson and exchange very cruel stories about the children yeah their hopeless uh complexions of course their future
teachers, their appalling sex lives, their home lives, their stench that follows them around, the status of their brain.
That's right.
You know, all of these things have probably featured in the hit TV show, Teachers, at one point or another, wouldn't you say?
That's probably true, yeah, and to link on.
Do you want a couple more?
Yeah, go on.
The beauty of this story is that one of the other boys had the same surname and hair as me, and he was bigger and of a less punishable disposition.
He got blamed.
I gained credit for this great piece of wit for a day or so before I got back to being bullied.
I'm happy now, says Bruce in Stressham.
Well done, Bruce.
Skills.
There you go, another one from Steven Hinchley Wood.
At my school we had a very kindly bearded physics teacher who was close to retirement.
He was a victim of humming and other japes, but the funniest one was when he was asked by one of the kids, sir, do you have any photos of your wife naked?
He of course replied in an outraged tone, no!
To which the kid replied immediately, would you want to buy some?
Nice, and I think that is where we should probably leave it.
Thank you very much indeed for all your texts and emails.
We don't encourage or condone that kind of behaviour.
You should be nice and respectful to teachers, and teachers should be nice and respectful to children.
Absolutely.
More love in the classroom, please.
Not that kind of love!
Now it's time for my last free play and I've been sticking a couple of little pretentious ones in here.
Can I just say I dropped a free play in this week's show?
I was gonna play Jazzy Jeff with the theme tune to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
Why did you lose confidence on that one?
Because I listened to it.
Oh, right.
And I decided it would be best to not inflict that on people.
Well, this is another slightly sort of, um, utré, toe tapper.
But I thought, if there's anywhere where you can play this kind of music, surely it's got to be six music.
Yeah, where people are open-minded enough to enjoy it.
Anyway, a lot of you guys will probably have this album already by Silver Apples.
They were a duo from New York City, making music from around about 1967 to 69.
And they've sort of re-emerged in the mid-90s.
One of them sadly died a few years ago, but the remaining member is now touring, still under the name Silver Apples.
I think they're playing some festivals this year.
But it's amazing psychedelic electronic noise, and very much ahead of its time.
If you consider this would have been 67, 68, this one is called Program by Silver Apples.
You got to love music that has scanning through radio waves on there.
It's getting a bit of interference in that studio.
That's at Silver Apples with Program.
You had an email from someone correcting me about the David Byrne track that we played earlier on.
The knee place wasn't the actual play.
This is turning into the Adam Buxton correction show.
Only two things I did, done.
Um, and it is, uh, it says on the CD available, like, because it's just been re-released on CD, you see.
Time's running out.
David Byrne and Robert Wilson's 1984 collaboration from the theatrical epic The Civil Wars, alright?
Yeah.
Okay, now it's time to play you the two Song Wars songs.
We're gonna hear Adam's first and mine's second.
Don't forget you can vote via email, Adamandjo.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.
Here's track number one.
This is called The Glastonbury Song by Adam Buxton.
Please leave a message after the tone.
Gaz Man, it's the Julienator.
Just to let you know, I bought the tickets for Sludgefest, as well as Chillax, Wicker World, the Inoffensive Electronic Festival, Wet Weekend, and Pims in the Park with Timbukh 3 Headlining.
Drop us a text if you think I've missed any.
Cheers ears.
Load up the 4x4, it's festival time We're stuffing the chill bag with nibbles and wine We're going to sleep inside a collapsible yard We've got a nurse in case anybody gets hurt
Festivals used to be awful, just crusties and weirdo groups.
There was nowhere to charge your mobile and nowhere nice for doing poops.
Now they're often in stately homes with global cuisine as ace.
And you can leave the kids in a really nice crash while you get off your face.
Look kids, that's Keith Allen.
That's Lily Allen's dad.
He's been coming since the 50s, and apparently he's really mad.
And over there, that's Katie Moss.
That's right, that crazy drug is X. Let's ask her if she'll join us for a boogie and some sex.
Everybody over to the output stage.
Mo is on, oh yes.
Then it's Groove Armada with the theme from M&S.
We've got some shield pills, some wizwahs and a gram of some stuff But I'm a little bit worried, that won't be enough So could you call Jemima and ask her to bring a bit of rice Some jelly and a big ball of string And don't forget the Baroque and the yoga mats too Because there's going to be healing and yoga to do And there's a bloke from Tibet who can teach us to do
We've learned of the four by four, it's festival time.
That's the festival song, not the Glastonbury song.
I was trying to trick them into voting for mine.
Well let's hear, that was Adam's one there.
Let's hear Joe's now.
This is the Glastonbury song.
Right, you've registered, download the correctly formatted passport photo, and you'll see some form of how to actually put your feet on the page.
And now, me and my mate Terry, we're gonna blast on very, we're gonna have a very good time.
Don't care if it's all muddy, we'll just dive in in the muddy, and dance and drink and try and snog girls.
I'll try to get on telly, right, hello mum, on my belly.
Eat full apples, then fall over, then be sick.
Addix up one licks our tent, I'll get angry and violent.
Punch a hippie, smoke a ciggy, then be sick again.
Last time I was here I ate a space case and it made me feel geeky and like I was in love with everybody in the whole world.
I tried to help them live up their bases, turned into gee-munks.
I passed out in the mud and missed these antique monkeys drug to drugs.
So what we do this year is just drink
Drink a lot of beer, buy a Jester's hat, and throw things at Jay Z. I hate those four to lose, so for three days I won't move.
Then I'll do one by the road on the way home.
We'll go to see hot chips, then have some nice hot chips, meet a sexy girl, and get on really well.
She'll take me to her TV And hopefully sleep with me We'll text for two weeks They'll never see each other again Glastonbury's gonna be wicked There you go, that's this week's Song Wars, so send your vote by email to Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk Either for the first song, which was Adam's song, the festival song, or for the second song, which was Jo's song, which was called a Glastonbury's song.
Simple as that, yeah.
Almost to the end of our show, listeners.
We've got a Liz Kershaw coming up very shortly, so stick around for that.
But here's the pigeon detectives for you right now, just to play some proper music for you, otherwise your brains might melt after our film and stuff.
Here's This Is An Emergency.
What's the nature of the emergency there?
It's just in an emergency because they're running out of money and they need you to buy their record.
Fair enough.
That's the Pigeon Detectives and that's pretty much it for our show this weekend, listeners.
Thank you very much indeed for being with us.
Thank you so much for your texts and emails.
As usual, you know, you're helping us out and we really appreciate it.
Seems a shame that we can't reward you in some way, but that's not what it's about, yeah?
Right?
That's absolutely correct, that's not what it's about.
And don't forget you can listen to a podcast version of this show that's uploaded onto iTunes and the 6 Music website at about 6 o'clock on a Sunday evening, or you can listen to the whole show via Listen Again via the 6 Music website.
That's probably the best way to do it.
But don't forget that both those things are only around for the week following the show, yeah?
They're not sort of archived somewhere, so you've got to subscribe to the podcast if you want to keep receiving it.
Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.
We'll be back with you live next Saturday from 9 till 12 here on BBC 6 Music.
Have a good week.
Thanks for listening.
Bye.