And now, it's Adam and Jo.
Hello and welcome to the Big British Castle.
It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio.
There'll be some music and some random talking in between.
And then, eventually, the whole thing will just end.
What's up, what's up, what's up?
Hello, my name is David.
I'm David Bowie.
I live in space, and occasionally I come to Earth.
I've gone fairies in my garden.
I live inside the garden.
I'm talking to the fairies right now.
No, I'm not.
I'm from the future.
Oh dear, I've come back in time to destroy your world.
And when's, when's, when's.
Could stop me.
Well, I'm never ever going to stop you.
I want it to go on forever.
You know, it could go on forever.
It could, couldn't it?
Good morning, listeners.
My name's Joe Cornish.
Hi, I'm Adam Buxton.
And welcome to our Saturday morning show here at the Big British Castle.
We hope you've all had a lovely Halloween evening last night.
Adam and I drove through Camden together, as we like to do on a Friday night.
Holding hands at midnight.
Singing to each other.
It was a crazy bacchanalia, wasn't it?
It was a wild, crazy scene.
There was people all made up like skeletons.
People have gone costume crazy.
I think it's the biggest Halloween ever in the UK on record.
On record, exactly.
Statistics.
Record began.
Since Halloween, records began.
What scale of measure do they use?
Terror, fear, national heart rate.
You know, effort that people put into the costumes.
Right, the effort scale.
Well, people have gone costume crazy.
The whole American thing has completely crossed over fully now, hasn't it?
Adults are dressing up.
The kiddies are dressing up.
The teens, them kids sure know how to party.
Cool, they certainly do.
These days.
You know, they're crazy about it.
They love to drink and talk and do the other things.
Don't they?
And they were all doing it in Camden last night.
There was a bit of a jam through the main Camden lock area.
Traffic was shunting quite slowly, giving drunken costumed revellers the opportunity to try and terrify the occupants of cars with various gurning, leaping and hood smashing activities.
That's right, there was a party, guys.
around, wasn't he?
And he ran up to the windscreen of a car, and he made a face in the car window.
Which is wrong.
It is wrong, because that could cause an accident.
There should be a greater police presence.
They should make costumes illegal.
Well, they should get rid of Halloween.
They should get rid of Halloween because it's evil.
And imagine the confusion and the number of robberies that could be caused by people in costumes.
I'm surprised, given the proper health and safety procedures that are now in place in many areas of life.
The Halloween is allowed to continue.
It should be stopped.
Let's start that campaign here.
Let's start it here.
Because we can get the Daily Mail involved.
It's a health and safety nightmare.
Let's get that ball rolling.
Certainly.
Lots of Triffic stuff coming up, I think.
I mean when I say that I don't actually know that there's anything Triffic coming up.
Also you said Triffic.
Well, people love the word Triffic.
Yeah.
Let's play some more music and then we can talk a little bit more about it.
Is it Triffic music?
Halloween.
Funnily enough, it is.
It's MGMT with kids.
Ah, Triff.
Fun, sounds, pop sounds.
That's MGMT with kids.
Did anyone ever make you think of Hail and Pace?
MGMT?
Yeah.
In what way?
The management.
Isn't that what MGMT stands for?
Management.
Isn't that what it stands for?
Well, I guess it could do certainly.
They should do a duet with Hale and Pace.
That's a good idea.
It's very fashionable at the moment to do a duet with someone very unfashionable.
What do you mean Hale and Pace are unfashionable?
No, Hale and Pace aren't unfashionable.
Oh, MGMT are unfashionable.
Got you, sorry.
For instance, Roots Maneuver has announced he's doing a duet with James Blunt.
Well, yeah, have you heard that?
No, that's a good idea though, isn't it?
Yeah, I think especially with hip-hoppers who don't like any sense of prejudice or bias in music.
They think it should be a kind of a level playing field.
To do a duet with someone really unexpected is good.
Right, that is a good idea.
Who else could they have gone for, do you think?
Who, management?
No, like if you're a cool artist.
Well, who's that?
cool artist first of all.
Well I would go for S Club 7.
As a cool artist?
As a cool artist.
Yeah, now ask me another question.
And they would duet with who?
Scootch.
They would no, because Scootch are cool as well.
That's true.
You need an uncool act.
So they would duet with, I don't know, who's the coolest act?
MGMT, they're the coolest act on the block.
Aren't they?
No, Vampire Weekend.
Vampire, that's a good example of that.
S Club 7.
S Club Juniors.
and vampire weekend that would blow people's heads apart if it was really good as well don't you think that's that's the big important sentence there though isn't it if it was really good yeah that's the bit that you can't fulfill
Kathy Dennis or Nick Kershaw.
Exactly.
Or Gary Barlow.
Right.
One of the nation's best-loved songwriters.
One of the invisible secret wizards of Oz.
The hit hobbits.
The what?
The hit hobbits.
Why are they hobbits?
Because they live in a little, you know, pop hole.
Do they?
Yeah, and they pen hits.
It's exciting news.
For other people.
Pretty soon listeners will be giving you the result of last week's spooky song wars.
Is it going to be a tight one this week?
I don't think it is.
You reckon?
Eh, I don't know.
There's no telling, says Joe, having looked through most of the emails and calculated the results in his head.
But I'm not going to give the listeners a hint of what the answer could be.
It's a level playing field.
It's anybody's game.
Joe did a song about ghosts.
Joe did.
Miss Joe did a song.
He did a song.
Why is he allowed to do a song?
I'm not.
I want to do a song too, miss.
You did do a song.
It was very good.
I did a song about a nutty room.
Yeah, those results coming up pretty soon.
What about some music now?
Just to keep everybody perky.
I've got a little free play for you.
It's a nice mellow one now.
That's good for the first hour.
And I've been, you know, I've been moving house for the last couple of months.
It's taking ages.
It's happening very gradually.
One object at a time.
More or less.
Yeah.
And I'm still sort of reorganizing things and it's a nice opportunity to listen to music.
It's a nice opportunity to listen to you talking about moving house.
Yeah.
But don't you find, like, when you're organizing things and putting things on shelves and sorting your stuff out, it's nice to listen to a bit of music.
What's your favorite album, too?
Have you got an album that you always fall back on for when you're working on other things?
At the moment, I'm listening to that Raphael Sadiq album a lot.
Right.
Well, Scott Walker, Scott Four, you know, it's a classic album.
Everyone likes that one.
I've just been playing it over and over again and you never get bored of it.
It's amazing.
Or one never gets bored of it, may I say.
And this is a lovely track from there.
It's called Rhymes of Goodbye.
That's Jarvis Cocker with Fat Children.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
Jarvis of course sat in for Stephen Merchant on last Sunday, Merchant still being away, and he did an amazing show that you can listen to via the BBC iPlayer or you can download a podcast of it on the 6 Music website.
It was all Jarvis mood music, right?
So it was all sort of quite downbeat music.
But cumulatively, apparently, it became amazingly uplifting in a profound way.
I'm looking forward to that.
Jarvis, of course, sporting quite a hairy beard.
Quite a long one?
It's just a... It's the sort of... It's a beard of a man that shouldn't really have a beard.
And I don't mean that he shouldn't have the beard, but it's not... It doesn't really... It's kind of crazy.
It looks like a fake beard.
It looks like cat weasel or something.
Yes.
Yeah.
You've lost your beard, Adam Buxton.
Currently lost it.
It's important for listeners to know that so they can picture you.
The beard comes and goes.
Yeah.
There's a men's magazine on the stalls at the moment.
Wow.
Yeah, that's the end.
That's finally, finally there's a magazine for men.
What kind of stuff's it got in it?
It's got a man on the cover who looks a bit like you if you were a bit taller.
And it says something like, The Great British Male.
And he's not a famous man, I don't think, I think he's just a man, maybe he's a sportsman, I don't know anything about sports, so he could be sporting and I don't recognise him.
But he's the archetypal current British man.
He is what you have to look like to be completely on the money.
as a bloke and he's wearing a black suit and a black tie and a white shirt and he's got a sort of very black hair and a beard, a big black beard and sort of slicked back hair and he looks a bit like he could be your more handsome older brother.
I've got a more handsome younger brother but he doesn't have a beard.
He's not trying to be silly, you're very handsome.
Thank you very much, I should grow back, I always lose the beard at the wrong points, I should grow it back.
But, well, there you go.
I'm on the right track, though, right?
Yeah, well done.
Thank you very much.
Keep moving forward.
Hooray!
Okay, now, here's a bit more music for you listeners.
This is Susie and the band She's with Happy House.
That's not Happy House.
That's just old 1980s style sort of goth indie music.
Did you describe it as Happy House?
Well, it's called Happy House.
Oh, it's called Happy House.
It was very misleading, I think, and it should- Pressient, though.
yeah she got the phrase right yeah which is good but she didn't get the sound of the music right no i suppose halfway there i suppose could do a good happy house remix of that though yeah that's a yeah it's a good idea that's a very good idea that's a very good idea really well done are you going to get onto it this afternoon yeah yeah yeah i'll do it now i've done it wasn't very good i've thrown it away it's a shame
Things move pretty fast.
In the 24 hour a day news blogosphere.
Certainly do.
Hey, man, I turned up this morning to work.
I know you did.
And here I am.
What do you think?
I think that's one of the best stories I've ever heard.
Now, I turned up this morning to Western House here in central London, where we do the show.
And I was all excited because I thought maybe there was going to be camera people out all week on the news.
I don't know what's been happening.
But they've been like news people outside talking to DJs.
I thought maybe they'd be outside this morning.
So I put on some smarter clothes than I would normally have worn.
Did you?
Are you serious?
A little bit.
You're not dressed smart.
Well, did you do your hair?
Did you take a moment extra to preen yourself?
Well, you know, we went out last night to this Halloween party and I wore a skeleton makeup.
I painted my face all black.
You look good, man.
Thanks a lot.
Took me ages.
And I buy, I put loads of like black lipstick and everything all over myself.
We should make it clear that you were doing yourself like a skull.
Yes, exactly.
Like a guy from Live and Let Die.
That's right.
A voodoo kind of priest.
So all around my eyes I had the big black sockets, you know.
So I was trying to wash out scrubbing and scrubbing and I woke up this morning and it looked as if I had eyeliner on.
It looked as if I was some old fat member of The Cure.
with eyeliner.
I thought, oh no, I can't turn up at work for the camera people.
They might ask me my opinion about things and film me.
So I scrubbed it off.
I was scrubbing, scrubbing.
I thought, oh no, no, there's still a little bit on there.
I've got to get it off, otherwise I'll be on the news.
My mum will see me and she'll think I've joined the cure.
That'll never do, I've turned into Alan Carr.
So yeah, it was all, it didn't, there was no one there.
I think you should carry on doing the Alan Carr voice.
We might get some telework.
So that's a good idea, isn't it?
Okay, well it's time for the news now.
What'll happen in the news so I don't know is Nicky Cardwell to tell you.
Bit of kinks there, Waterloo sunset.
He would have been pleased with that when he'd finished it, I would imagine.
Ray Davis.
Pat on the back from Ray.
Gave himself one.
Yeah, definitely.
Do you ever do that?
Give myself a pat on the back.
Yeah.
No, I tend to do a little cheer like that.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yes.
Do you say yes?
Sometimes.
Or just silent.
Silently waving hands.
I'm from the Tom Cruise generation.
You know, and that's what Tom would do.
Oh, right.
Punch the air.
Yeah, 80s.
Yeah.
Evan, do you have a jump?
He might jump in the air and click his little heels there.
I don't think he'd do that.
Yes, he would.
That's more of a vaudevillian thing.
Oh, I think he would.
Do you think he would?
Definitely.
Uh... He would click his little, uh, heels.
His little leprechaun-style heels.
Oh!
Hoofs.
Uh, his hoofs.
Um, that's another story.
Yeah.
Uh, yes, no, what?
Yeah.
Listen, let's have a... I give myself, I just, just to conclude that, I give myself a pat on the back.
Well done, you deserve a pat on the back.
I reach round, pat myself on the back.
Do you?
Yeah.
Does that feel good?
It does.
Glad that's over with.
I didn't deserve it, just that.
Didn't you?
I was just demonstrating.
Well, you've ruined the whole thing now, so... I've done nothing to deserve a pat on the back this week at all.
No.
Song Wars?
Yes, please.
Grab the jingle.
It's time for Song Wars.
The war of the songs.
A couple of tunes by a couple of prongs.
Which will you vote for?
Which one is the best?
We're putting our songs to the listener test.
So check it out.
Joe's just run out of the room.
He just went, oh, Phil.
He's going to get some things.
Who's back?
Just printed out some, um,
So, song wars, just to recap listeners, was spooky last week.
Our challenge was to write scary songs, and Joe wrote one about a ghost, what it was like being a ghost, a kind of conversation with a ghost.
And mine was called Nutty Room, and it was a jazzy number about a kind of serial killer's lair.
Yeah, and we've had various email responses.
Thank you to everyone who emails the show.
I read every single email.
That's true.
I really do.
And if any are pertaining to Adam, I pass them on to him.
So your missives, you know, don't go unread.
No, certainly.
Every single one gets absorbed into the mind sponge.
And here's one that came in from Andy Clark.
That's a bit much though, isn't it?
I mean, I'm pleased that he likes mine.
But deeply ashamed?
They often do that, don't they?
They say, a bit weak this week.
I suppose if I'm going to be forced to choose one, I'll go for Joe's or Adam's, blah blah blah.
Well, it just shows that there's no accounting for taste, you know.
You can't hire a taste accountant.
You can't hire a taste accountant?
No.
Well, that's a shame.
And Steven Tappin says, difficult one this week.
Adam's is very funny.
Oh, you know what?
I've printed out all the ones that are pro me.
Because I thought there were going to be so few, I thought I could just literally thank personally the three or four people who voted for me.
But actually, there's slightly too many to make that interesting.
So anyway, here's the results.
And this week, I'm very excited because they're in an actual official BBC envelope.
This is part of the corporation as a whole, pulling its socks up, I assume.
Quite right.
Let's open the envelope.
Long overdue.
I think it's a full-on conclusion.
86% plays 14%.
To whom?
To you.
Now this is looking pretty bad for me, isn't it?
I mean, I've had a pretty extensive... You've only been back on a job, Song Wars-wise, two weeks though, haven't you?
Like, no, even one.
When was the last time you did a Song Wars thing before?
Not for a while.
Do you think I should blame it on Garth Jennings?
No, you've got to keep your hand in, is the answer with Song Wars.
What do you mean?
Oh, you just keep doing it every week.
Yeah.
I have been working very hard during the week.
I'm not blaming you.
You could know if I could tell you what I've been doing during the week.
I've been working hard too, you know.
And I managed to do the songs much harder than you and on much more important things.
But do Garth's, sir, please, Mr. Producer, do Garth's songs, his victory is mine.
What are you talking about?
Well, when he won while I was away, does that go on my scorecard?
Sir, can you just shut Cornish up and play my song, which has won this week?
Sir, Sir Cornish... Sir, this is a travesty and I'm going to complain about this.
It's a human skin to make it to a big cocoon It's cool for the cops and I'm pulling out the stops Because I am a complicated loon Look at the jars, look at the jars, look at the things inside the jars I put some fingers, there's some hair and several wickies Look at the walls, look at the walls, totally covered in graces
And from time to time I act like a couple of stinkers I love the smell and the gloom of my crazy empty moon Come on over, fall some devils and some drinkers It's so wonderful to meet you in your column Welcome to my nutty lair Careful of the pit, mind a pile of s*** Have a seat on the bed of human hair I hope you like injections, it's about to fly collections And the work of the performing yourself
Crazy, have you ever seen a person who was so completely nuts?
Lazy, oh yeah, no one's always working, making, coming out of other people's guts.
Patrick Swayze!
90!
I am a 90 man, I'm sitting in my 90 room And I've got tea So it's a cure my skin to make it to a big cocoon It's a groove for the cops and I'm fooling other stops Because I have a cop who came to lose
Very good.
Adam's winning song wars, song nutty room.
Yeah, you really knocked me for six there.
Well, you know, in my book it was close.
I liked your song.
I love my song.
And you know what?
Sometimes music, really good music takes a while to get your head round, you know?
Albums that you put in and you play and you think, oh, this is a smash.
You'll be bored in the following week.
Something really good music.
Shall I carry on?
No, shall I stop?
So we were thinking listeners.
The other thing is, my song had ultrasonic bass that many less, you know, smaller radios wouldn't have been able to pick up.
It was dub reggae and the dub wouldn't have come through on it.
Oh, radios.
I should have won.
Okay, so we were thinking next time for song Wars listeners We might do like theme tunes for TV like new theme tunes for TV shows, right?
If there's a TV show out there that you think needs a new Theme tune.
Yeah needs its theme tune needs refreshing then email your suggestion to us Adam and Joe dot six music at BBC dot co dot UK and
And we'll have a go.
Will we choose a different one each?
Well, not necessarily.
I mean, we could just sort of... Nobody knows.
We're gonna play it by ear.
We'll see what suggestions we get.
Exactly.
For TV shows that need new themes.
Off the top of your head, which would you go for?
Well, I might try a new Blue Peter theme.
Because I understand they're in a bit of a pickle.
I am a bit obsessed with Big Peter.
I understand.
I might be wrong, but I read somewhere that they're in a bit of a pickle with the theme tune.
They've used the wrong hornpipe or something.
No one likes the wrong hornpipe.
No, so I might.
And, you know, I might make it even more up to date and modern than it already is.
I want to do a new theme for Richard and Judy.
Right.
For their show.
What is there?
Because they've got a new show on Sky Telly or whatever.
What would you call that?
Non-terrestrial.
Yeah, is it cool?
It's called watch.
Yeah.
What's what's the theme tune like now?
You know, I couldn't tell you it's it's sort of jazzy and sexy.
That's why they need a new world exactly I memorable one one with lyrics cuz how many theme tunes have lyrics not really very many do not enough these days I mean, I can't think of any can the classic theme tunes always had lyrics, you know dad's army.
Yeah only fools and horses
Everybody loves a little song.
Grange Hill, of course.
Butterflies.
Gura Angel.
Welcome to the school the kids are playing a fool.
Do you remember that one?
Yeah, it was great.
Gura Angel.
That would be another one we could do just to put lyrics.
That would be even lazier.
That would be.
To put lyrics to theme music that didn't already have lyrics.
Oh, that's quite tempting, isn't it?
That would be easy peasy.
We wouldn't have to, but we could add extra noises.
We wouldn't be able to play them on the podcast though.
Wouldn't we?
Nah.
What if they were BBC shows?
Big British close.
Hello.
That's an advantage of the castle, isn't it?
All right.
So try and think of BBC shows a little bit, maybe listeners.
Maybe.
Well, I think we should keep it as the original thing.
Email in suggestions for shows that you think need an entirely new theme tune or closing credit tune.
That's what we're going to go for.
Okay, here's some real music.
This is Last Shadow Puppets with My Mistakes Were Made For You.
Very good.
That's Funboy 3 with Tunnel of Love.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
That was a BBC session.
Was it?
Yeah, from 1983.
I remember my brother buying that single.
In 83 it would have been and...
I found it very disturbing and depressing as a record, lyrically.
Because your parents were going to break up and stuff like that.
No, my parents are still very happily married.
I know, but the threat of divorce... It introduced the whole notion of divorce and the idea that love could be a journey into doom.
For a child, that's a profound and unsettling thought.
Yeah, exactly.
I thought love was lovely.
Didn't you have lots of friends who were, their parents were getting divorced?
Yes, I did actually.
It was all kicking off like when we were in the early 80s.
It was, that was the thing.
Divorce was the fashion.
Everyone was getting divorced.
You know what?
I used to envy people with divorced parents.
Right, why?
Because I used to envy the fact that both parents doted over them.
And they always seemed to get more crisps and sweets.
Double presents.
Have more freedom.
Yeah.
Yeah, there was something kind of glamorous.
about the, you know, the sadness to me, really.
Right.
It's weird and it's obviously wrong, but it's true.
Yeah, yeah.
There you go.
You're insane.
I'm mad.
You're mental.
No, I know what you mean.
So we were talking about something different earlier on this morning, listeners, by way of a clumsy segue, procrastination routine.
Yes.
Right.
Joe was talking about the fact that he went off to Amsterdam this week to try and do a little bit of writing.
What was your thinking there?
Just, you know, get a different place.
Maybe I'll do some work.
Yeah.
I wanted to get away from all distractions.
Right.
A hole up in a little apartment.
Garrett.
A Garrett somewhere with eateries close by.
So I got a little garret in the Jordan, the 9th Street's very nice area, but I got almost nothing done.
I procrastinated incredibly.
I just couldn't concentrate at all.
What's your favourite bit of procrastination technique?
Cleaning.
I can only work when the entire house is spotless.
Really?
From floor to ceiling, yeah.
What, get the hoover out and everything?
A bit of window lean as well?
No, I wouldn't go as far as the windows.
Usually, it's just my office.
I have to have the office absolutely in perfect order, my little writing area, before I can do any work.
Yeah, that's a good one.
I do some cleaning sometimes.
Very, very soft.
Obviously, the invention of computers has bought a whole lot of new, which the computers have been invented.
It happened about 20 years ago.
Right.
Mmm, and that bought a whole lot of what I mean is the the internet having that on your desktop.
That's terrible for procrastination Isn't it?
Well, exactly.
Yeah, I mean you've got that the routine is you start off you check your email Yeah, and then you go online to check various things that affect you online whether they're social networking sites or whatever Check your progress on your social networking site YouTube, etc, etc.
Maybe you've got messages on YouTube Maybe you got messages on your Facebook or your mouth base and
Check your emails again.
Check every single bookmark in your bookmark.
Absolutely.
For the latest news.
See if anyone's, you know, all the blog roll stuff.
And this is now eaten away, what, 45 minutes maybe?
At least.
Yeah, you decided you were going to start work at 6.
It's now 6.45.
It's time for a snack.
Well, and a couple more emails will have come in as well.
Absolutely.
Boom!
That need to be replied to.
Time for a snack.
That's a very good idea.
Oh, I'm so hungry.
After all that.
And then you get thirsty after the snack.
Of course you need to go back upstairs.
Back upstairs for a little bit.
Bit of thinking.
Back downstairs for a bit of drinking.
Exactly.
Get a nice, tall glass of water.
Oh, that's lamb.
That's delicious.
Oh, I need to go to the loo now.
Go to the loo.
Ooh, nice magazine.
I'll read the magazine on the loo for a little bit.
OK, right, back to work.
Check the emails first.
You're right about going to the loo.
I go to the loo a lot.
Absolutely, you've got to be.
Maybe it's tied in with the drinking.
Yeah, because you think, nice glass of water, it's good to drink lots of water, you know, you've got to drink 28 pints a day, otherwise you'll die, so I'll have a bit more water, that's good.
This is good for working, good for working.
Back to Lou goes to Lou read a bit more of the magazine.
That's an interesting article.
I didn't know that that's amazing Okay back to work now check the emails as anything come in times check the emails I'll just check the social networking sites one more time cause someone might have sent me a beer bottle I like to ego surf as well.
You know how much I like to ego.
Yeah, you love it I can I can take an hour and a half with ego surfing Adam said what six music into Google return Joe sellouts
No, that's not true.
I refuse to believe it.
Ooh, Adam and Joe are geniuses.
That's true.
I like to check our position on the podcast charts.
Yeah.
I like to check for any new reviews on the podcast site, on iTunes.
Right.
By which time your desk is a bit messy.
So you've got to reorganise.
Yeah, reorganize the desk.
And of course, there's the cat.
My cat.
Feed the cat.
She needs to be fed constant harassment, being let out.
And while you're reorganizing, you think, you know what?
This is not the best system.
I've not got the best system here.
I should create a new kind of filing system.
This stuff should go over here.
While I'm at it, why are these CDs not alphabetized?
It's insane.
I've got them organized by genre.
Alphabetically, it would be much better.
That's only going to take me an hour.
I'll do that, and then back to work.
And after that, I'll just check my emails and then back to work.
I tell you what, I've got no emails, but I need to do a little bit of research before I get back to work.
That's a good idea, research.
Wikipedia or something.
Yeah, exactly.
And then just get really interested in it and follow a different line of inquiry.
At which point, time for another snap.
Of which time is the end of the day?
Probably.
Of which time it's 4.30 and it's time for some booze.
It's tea time.
It's the day with the genius.
Exactly.
Does anybody in the world not do that?
Of course.
I mean, well, presumably the people actually get things done.
Well, people who have jobs that don't require, you know, that are just systematic, that are, like, organisational or something, like, you could just do that kind of on autopilot, don't you think?
Well, you've got it, yes, you've got a task.
It's when you have to think.
Mm-hmm.
Conjure from nowhere.
That's the problem.
It's really difficult.
Um, here's a bit of a free play for you listeners.
This is Joe Chose.
Is it?
Nice mellow track from Van Morrison.
Oh yeah, this is Van Morrison.
He's a grumpy Irish soulster.
This is called Crazy Love.
Gloria Jones there, with her cover of the soft-cell classic Tainted Love.
This is Adam and Joe on BBC 6 Music.
You know, one of the nicest things about it getting very cold is its hottie-bottie weather.
Hottie.
Hottie-botty.
Oh, hot water bottle.
Yes.
Do you not call them hottie-botties?
What else is there to call them?
Hot-bot.
Yeah.
Hottie-botty.
How do you refer to them?
Um... Toasty... A boiling liquid sack.
Toasty rubber sack.
No, seriously, how do you say it?
Do you use them?
Do you... A hottie.
A hottie sack.
Is what my mum used to call them.
I think everybody calls them hottie-botties.
I've never heard hottie-bottie.
Come on.
No, because it's misleading.
You might be thinking of bottoms.
That's what I was thinking of when you said that.
Nice thing about winter is your hot bottom.
What?
Hot body?
Hotty body?
What?
Anyway.
Have you had one yet this year?
No, you know, I haven't had one for ages.
I'm talking about a hot bottom.
Yeah, sure.
I've got one right now.
But no, hot water bottle.
I'm not a big fan.
Aren't you?
No.
I don't like the heat.
I prefer the cold.
I rejoice when the winter comes round.
I know what you mean, actually.
They can get too hot, hottie-botties.
You know, I'm the kind of person that likes to kick the duvet or the sheets if I'm in a hotel or whatever.
Untuck them.
Untuck them, certainly, and have my feet sticking out in the end.
I don't want a big, hot thing.
You're right about hottie-botties.
They're too hot at first.
Why do they say on them, do not use boiling water?
Well, because then it would make it outrageously too hot.
Also, if it burst... Who doesn't fill a hot water bottle with boiling water?
Well, then for legal reasons they're covered.
You boil a kettle.
Yeah, of course.
And you pop it in.
Pop it in there.
You've got to be very careful filling them.
Do you try and fill it right to the top?
Well, not only do I fill it right to the top, I don't fill it up so it's bursting.
Yeah.
I fill it with maybe a third of a kettle.
And then my dad, when I was a child, taught me to be very careful to squeeze the rest of the air out.
So the hot water rises to the lip of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of the... of
Or maybe nude.
You've just gone down to the kitchen in the nude and you're making a hottie-potty.
Your hottie-
Your whole body is vulnerable.
Yeah.
That's very dangerous.
And then the other question is where does the hearty potty go in the bed?
Do you have it next to your breasticular area?
Do you squeeze it between your feet?
Between your thighs.
Is that where you put it?
Between your thighs.
Generally, yeah.
It's too hot though.
Burn your thighs.
Yeah, but I'm not... This is one thing I was going to ask you.
You're not just using the naked rubber bottle, are you?
No, no.
You have to have a cover.
Have you got a bespoke cover or do you just wrap a towel?
We have a lovely floral cover, so hottie-bottie number one.
And number two is a big pig.
We were given it at Christmas.
I think my mum gave it to us.
It's a big pig with a bow tie.
That's nice.
Is it furry?
Is it fluffy fur?
Oh, sure it's fluffy.
I like that.
He's a very smart pig.
That's a good idea.
But you know what?
I find hot water bottles.
They're just too hot.
I have to have it about two feet away from me.
Yeah.
And then heating up a sort of foot square area of the bed, getting it molten, melting the mattress.
And then I roll onto that spot and move the hot water bottle to where I was.
Do you know what I mean?
So it's like a sort of a hot spot.
It's as if...
Dobby the house elf, with a very hot bottom, has been crouched on the bed, warming it up.
Well that's revolting.
Why?
There's nothing revolting about Dobby.
The idea of Dobby being there in your bed.
Forget Dobby, I shouldn't have introduced Dobby.
I mean maybe that's what Harry Potter does, he just doesn't need hot bots anymore because he's got doubles.
That would be quite disturbing, wouldn't it?
Between his thighs.
It's really calm that he clamps in between his little magical thighs.
Come on, Dobby.
I'm ruddy freezing in this bed, Dobby.
Voldemort's left the window open.
Voldemort, is he the head of Hogwarts?
He will be by the end of the next film.
Voldemort's left the window open.
My thighs are ruddy freezing.
He doesn't say ruddy.
He might do.
He's feeling particularly edgy.
Dobby crawls between his thighs.
Clamps in between his thighs.
Oh, thank you very much, master!
Oh, Dobby!
Dobby, bad Dobby, bad Dobby!
You're bad Dobby!
On the way round, Dobby.
Your head towards the bottom of the bed, Dobby.
Ah!
Here's some music for you.
Naughty Dobby.
This is Coldplay with Jay-Z featuring... Let's have a listen.
I haven't heard this.
This is Lost.
It's the mighty Coldplay with Lost.
featuring Jay-Z sounding very, uh, hymnal.
Hymn-hymn-himmick.
What's the word for something that is like a hymnal?
Hymnal is good.
Hymnal.
That was nice.
That was enjoyable.
What's Jay-Z going on about?
I think you observed correctly that he was rhyming a lot of C's, wasn't he?
Well, did he not talk about CBBC at one point?
Something like that.
The children's branch of the BBC.
I don't know.
Maybe we'll try and find... I don't think he said CBBC.
He did say CB... He was talking about CB... C. Lizzo on CBBC?
Yeah, exactly.
He's a fan of Lizzo.
Who's Lizzo?
He's the CBBC's top reporter.
OK, sorry.
Come on!
I know Poi Fan Li.
Yeah, well, she's CBB's.
Is not CBBC the same thing?
No!
CBB's is for babies.
CBBC is for children.
Sorry.
Yeah, who can, like, talk and understand ideas.
Yeah.
Whereas CBB's is just, like, variously different men in costumes running around.
I'm more of a CBB's person.
People who can... It's more soothing.
...think and understand ideas.
That's a tough one.
Hey, listen, you know we were just talking about Dobby the house elf.
Yeah.
I want to make a film starring all the worst CGI characters.
I've only got two so far, Dobby and Jar Jar Binks.
Yeah.
But you'd get all the really disastrous CGI characters and they'd all be living on an island together.
It would be called CG Island.
Nice.
And I don't know what would happen, but it would be really good and it'd be really moving because they're so reviled.
I'm trying to think of other ones.
There must be some more, some really bad ones.
But you mean CG characters in live-action films?
You can't have Shrek on there.
You could have Shrek, but he's too successful.
He's unaccountably successful.
I'm not a Shrek fan myself.
I know it's a controversial thing to say.
The Shrek films look as if they've been painted out of vomit.
Don't they?
That's the palette though, isn't it?
It's the lurid, you know, sort of fantasy palette that they're going for.
But Jar Jar Binks, he was a disaster.
They introduced him with a big fanfare, then quickly went back on themselves.
This is very controversial stuff.
Dobby the house self, he was going to be one of the key characters in Harry Potter, but they got rid of him as quickly as they could.
Did they?
Yeah.
Doubles.
With this funny long nose.
I think it would be inexpensive to buy the options to those characters.
Right.
Already got a large public awareness, and we make a series about it.
And it's really moving.
That's a nice idea.
We would ask you for your thoughts via text, but we're having some problems with our texts at the moment, listeners, which is why we haven't read any of them out so far.
uh for that why we're delaying text the nation we're gonna delay text the nation a little bit more actually work otherwise it's pointless otherwise it's totally meaningless also it's a betrayal of trust and we can't do that we don't advocate any kind of trust betrayal now let's have another record and then when we come back we're going to have a bit of steven-based activity
Here's a free play for you listeners.
This is an artist called Johnny Polonsky and It was from about 10 years ago I think this track was produced by Frank Black even and it's a cover of the Nirvana track in bloom.
Hope you enjoy in bloom Johnny Polonsky there Adam and Joe here on BBC six music now ever since we were sent a comic Called Steven
which was created by a young man called Stephen when he was a young boy and he made a comic starring himself.
It was kind of an action war comic, just called Stephen exclamation mark.
Yeah, we thought that was a very powerful idea for a hero in the Bourne and Bond mould.
We like the idea of people crying out his name when they're in peril.
Last week we played you a clip from a film that included someone shouting, Stephen!
very dramatically and excitingly and we're very pleased that a listener to the show Rowan Dawes from Hernhill in London has actually sent us another clip of a mystery movie where someone satisfyingly, dramatically, impactfully shouts, Stephen!
Do you know which movie this is?
I do.
You don't, though, do you, Adam?
So this is a kind of a non-competitive, uh, fun audience participation thing.
See if you know what movie this comes from.
That's good to see you, Stephen!
There's a sort of extra syllable, a desperate extra syllable in there.
That's tough.
I mean, that sounded old.
Did it?
There's a lot going on.
Have a listen again and see if you can tell what's happening in all those sound effects.
Oh, there's quite a clue in there.
There's quite a clue in there.
It's not your conventional sort of a train, but it is a train-like movement going on.
Is it money train with Wesley Snipes?
Good guess, but no.
We'll tell you maybe after the next record, we'll reveal what that is from, but that's very good.
Thank you very much, Rowan.
That's a really dramatic rendering of the name Stephen.
That's a good Stephen.
We've had a couple of other suggestions of Stephen.
Someone's saying there's a Morrissey record.
Uh, where's that email gun that mentions Stephen?
I've lost the email.
Will you marry me?
Yeah, I'm responding to your appeal for existing Stephen-related stuff.
Towards the end of the Morrissey track, We'll Never Marry, there are some great samples of people shouting out the word Stephen.
That's pretty good.
We've got to dig that track up and try and play it maybe next week.
Yes, yes, exactly.
A good idea.
OK, well, listen, we still haven't fixed our texts, right?
No.
That's a bit of a shame, isn't it?
Well, here's some more music.
It's exciting.
We've got an amazing cliffhanger non-competitive quiz.
We're going to have a record, then we're going to reveal the answers.
It's like a proper radio show.
Yeah, it's really exciting.
First of all, are we doing the trail first, though?
Yeah.
Let's have a little bit of Sean Keaveny trail action.
Young MC.
How young would he have been though when he'd done that?
He was pretty young.
I think he was either still at college or just out of college.
Right.
Okay.
Alright, fair enough.
That was know-how.
Before that track, we played you a little Stephen clip.
Yeah, we're gonna hear it again and have you got any have you been thinking Adam?
Have you got any guests?
I wonder we got any emails I've got one guest, but I'm pretty sure it's wrong.
We were chit-chatting there I didn't look at the emails.
I was trying to think of train based excitement movies All I could think of was Mission Impossible, but there's no Stephen involved with that Mission Impossible one other trains Well, let's hear that clip once more and then we'll give it give it give the answer
Too much hope for Steven.
I think he's a Connor.
He's of course he's not on a train train.
He's on a roller coaster.
Oh What's the big movie with a with a man called Steven getting in?
Terrible jeopardy on a roller coaster you would final destination three three exactly, right?
I even watched that one.
Yeah, it's classic roller coaster action.
Yes a good beginning final destination three.
Yeah
If you know a film in which somebody says the word Stephen in a particularly dramatic or exciting way, do let us know.
If you send us an MP3 just like Rowan did, then that's even better.
Yes, we don't have to make any effort at all.
Massive points to Rowan.
Rowan, you're fantastic.
You know, Rowan also runs Adam and Jo's music MySpace site.
Oh, does he?
You know that site.
I certainly know it.
So, well done, Rowan.
Thank you very much.
Thanks, man.
God bless you.
You're amazing.
Now, I think our texts are working now.
They are coming through in Dribbs and Drabs, but you can always email us, so why not?
Let's get down to Text-o-Nation, the nation's favorite feature.
Text-o-Nation!
Text!
Text-o-Nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text-o-Nation!
What if I'm using email?
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
This week on Text to Nation, we are asking for your ideas for kind of punning film titles that haven't been used already.
Yeah.
From which we can construct the idea for a movie, is that right?
Yes.
I was watching While I Was Away on Telly, the film made in Manhattan.
Why were you doing that?
Because I like it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, there's something about that film I really like.
No, are you serious?
Yeah, I don't know why.
With Jellog?
Yeah, it's just odd.
She is a disaster.
I enjoy it.
Who is the man in that film?
Ray Fiennes.
It's Ray Fiennes.
It's really kind of peculiar casting and he looks like he's going to kill her and eat her at all points in the film.
And it's so ridiculous that she's a maid.
She hasn't cleaned anything in her entire life, J.Lo.
Maybe that's wrong, actually, because she's from the block.
That's true.
And there's a lot of self-cleaning in the film.
She would have cleaned her rocks.
Yeah, exactly.
But it's so ridiculous that you I can't but love it.
But what a title made in Manhattan ma ID Yes, you know and this this arose because a friend of mine is at film school and he was he's trying to get a short film You know commissioned so to speak by the lecturers at his film school He's not having a lot of luck and he was saying come on think of a really killer short film idea and
And I was avoiding the subject just by suggesting that he starts with the title.
Good idea.
And when you look at contemporary movies, a lot of them, you get the suspicion that many of them started at the title.
Especially romantic comedies, it seems.
Yeah, because romantic comedies are usually about some kind of a lie or deception, right?
Or some kind of double truth.
And so a double meaning in the title captures that perfectly.
Well, the other one, of course, another made one was made of honor.
Yes.
You are constructed from honor.
Yes.
As well as being a made of honor at a wedding.
Which is rubbish.
I mean, that is... Oh, it's good.
It's good.
Is it?
I think it's good.
Made in Manhattan is fantastic.
Made in Manhattan is good.
Made... Do I have to explain it?
That's good.
That's a good one.
I'm admitting as bad as that film is with Jellogg.
You come up with those three words and the film writes itself.
That's what we're getting at.
So we're asking you, can you conjure any kind of phrase, expression or title that sort of is an instant movie title?
And it doesn't even have to be a good pun.
If you give us a title, we will develop a film out of it.
Just before the news.
Let's do a quick one.
How about this?
Can I put you on the spot?
Yes.
All right, then.
Third party insurance.
OK, it's a guy.
He's at college.
He's got a reputation for having amazing parties.
Yeah.
He's about to have his third one.
He's having a party war with someone else.
That guy, Donny, I've got to do a better party than him this year.
Otherwise my rep on campus is going to be in the mud.
That's a phrase they use in the mud.
And so it's his third party, and of course he's very worried he's having in his parents' house, and he has to get insurance.
I've got to think of a double meaning for insurance.
Oh god.
But how's that for a start?
That's good, man.
That's a very good start.
Oh, and his dad's an insurance.
Nice.
He's studying insurance.
It's a little bit like Risky Business.
That's good.
So that's the idea.
We want your, they can be punny or they can just be phrases that you think might make a good movie title.
And we'll come up with a, we'll try and come up with a movie pitch for you.
That's Text the Nation this week.
It's just gone 10.30 here on BBC 6 Music.
Time for the news.
Peter Bjorn and John with Young Folks.
We're in the midst of Text the Nation and we're asking you to suggest kind of punny
phrases.
It's a hard one to express this, isn't it, to describe.
But if we give you some more examples, people might get the idea.
We're asking you to suggest titles for films, and we will make up the story of the film from the title you suggest.
That's the simplest way to put it, I think.
Inspired by Made in Manhattan and Made of Honour.
The more generic the phrase, the more likely it is to have multiple meanings that we can then extrapolate from.
okay how about this one joe okay um calculated risks calculated risks that's more of an action one uh is it you want that to be in the action genre could be calculated risks well there's obviously one meaning for that
uh i can't think of a double meaning though i was thinking of a guy and he's got like a machine right oh yes he's a statistician yeah he's a really boring nerdy statistician who has a really boring life and he gets sucked into some kind of high grade internet espionage
game and he gets out of various situations by using his amazing this is good his math skills right is that I mean that reminds me of eagle eye what is that what's the Shia LaBeouf thing that's more like war games right okay yeah but I like the idea of a guy who's amazingly good with maths
And you, the audience wouldn't have to be good at maths.
They'd just marvel at his ability to use, you know, he could measure things by sight.
He would know probabilities.
Maybe you'd team him up with a very thick man who didn't know nothing about none and was proud of it, you know?
Kind of like a sort of Deep South lunatic.
Joe the plumber.
Yeah, Joe the plumber, exactly.
Joe Lataxi.
And yeah, so it's double act and they don't like each other, you know, it's a frictional buddy thing.
But the statistician eventually gets them out of situations by using his maths power.
I like it.
It's good.
Calculated risks.
Yeah.
Okay, how about this one?
Candy from a baby.
That's just right that is difficult Because while you're thinking about that.
Yes, may I say that the other example that we had before the news third party insurance We were thinking actually we're missing a trick by just not calling it third party.
Yeah, third party would be better.
That would be much better Yeah, it would be insurance thing and then third party could just be about yeah, it's the son of of an insurance man Who's having some kind of a party based feud?
Yeah.
Yeah third party candy from a baby.
Yes a bit too
Well, it's a bit tricky because it would have to be about a baby that basically excretes sweets.
Which is a nice idea.
The kids would love that.
Can you imagine?
The baby's mum would be called Candy.
So you already got a double meaning there.
But not only does it excrete sweets, it excretes wonderful new sweets.
Yes.
That no one's ever invented before.
Lolliplops.
Didn't we have them last week?
We had the lolliplops.
And then it would be an ethical minefield.
It would be a sort of Aaron Brockovich style courtroom drama.
Yeah.
because candy would be exploiting the baby, feeding it all kinds of food to try and keep up production of the lollipops.
Kevin Spacey would play a lawyer who's hired to defend candy and loves the sweets.
He loves the sweets.
It's a complicated one.
Oscar bait though.
But then when they're...
That one's being hotly tipped for an Oscar already.
But then, in the climactic courtroom scene, right, they get the baby, they get candy.
Is the baby called candy as well?
No, the mum's called candy.
The mum's called candy, they get the baby, and the baby has to produce some lollipops for the jury.
But at that point, the baby's gift deserts it.
And the jury are confronted with actual blood.
All of which they have to try right Wow because the because this is the other eyes getting complicated now, but that's good You see this is the kind of thing we want from you listen It's just just a phrase like candy from a baby and and you know that there's an Oscar winning
courtroom drama there already.
So do text us.
The number is 64046.
The texts are working now.
Or you can email adamandjo.6musicapvbc.co.uk.
Here's a free play, Joe.
Is this yours, bit of an Aztec camera?
Nah, this is on the playlist.
Oh, you went for Abigail Silk.
Oh, I've given it away.
The excitement of... Okay.
So what exactly are we doing?
Sorry, mate.
I confused things by jumping the gun there.
Yeah, this is an Aztec camera with oblivious.
Doing some gun jumping.
as tech camera with oblivious from 1983 this is Adam and Joe on BBC six music broadcasting from what was described in the press this week from the digital hinterland of six music hinterland it's a sort of in between yeah it's when there's land very far off neutral zone
Can you see any land?
Oh, a hint.
It's a little hinterland.
Yeah.
But it's a nice place to be.
I prefer to be in a hinterland, don't you?
Oh, it's nicer on the margins.
Yeah, exactly.
Stick to the margins.
Stay out of trouble.
Instead of getting the mainstream, you'll get drowned.
Stay underground.
Now, Joe, I was having a chat with some friends about national treasures the other day, because I was watching Strictly Come Dancing for the first time, never seen it before, and I sat up and my young son Frank, he was about six and a half, he couldn't get to sleep, so he came down and he watched some telly with the grown-ups.
Oh, it was exciting.
Yeah, it was really exciting and he was having such a good time and we watched Strictly Come Dancing and actually it was the perfect show to watch because everyone was, we had some friends around and everyone was kind of... That show's not on very late, is it?
Well, no, but you know, he's supposed to be in bed and all tucked up by about 7.30.
Right.
It was about 8.30 or 9, I think, Strictly, on a Sunday night, maybe.
It's got some sauce in it as well, hasn't it?
Has it?
No.
Has it?
No sauce.
It was completely family friendly.
It was very family friendly.
It was great.
It was perfect.
Perfect show.
and obviously hosted by the giantifical Bruce Forsythe, obviously.
I mean he is like 150 now or what is he?
He's in his 80s though, isn't he?
And he is an extraordinary figure of a man.
Yeah, he's to television what Clint Eastwood is to films.
He is undoubtedly, though, wouldn't you say, a national treasure, as far as the Brits are concerned.
British national treasure.
Who else, if you had to compile a list of the top ten national treasures, who would you definitely put in there?
No question.
I would say, maybe at number one even, Stephen Fry.
I mean, that's a no-brainer, right?
And I was thinking, like, to qualify as a national treasure, you have to be a fairly uncontroversial figure.
I mean, that's not to say that there have been elements of Stephen Fry's life and career that have taken him into controversial areas, but on the whole, he is much loved by a huge swathe of the public for good reason.
So he would be in there, maybe number one.
I would put Wogan on there.
Yeah.
Wouldn't you think?
Yeah.
Terry Wiggin.
What about Joanna Lumley?
Ooh, good idea.
Did you see her program where she saw the Northern Lights?
No, I didn't actually.
That was very moving.
Was it?
Yeah.
Treasure status.
Instant treasure status.
That's a good idea, because I was going to ask about female members of the national treasure community.
They're harder to come up with.
I was thinking of Judi Stench.
Well, the Royal Family have the job of selecting national treasures, don't they?
Because they award them medallions and trinkets.
So all we'd have to do is look at the New Year's honours list.
Has Frye got some honours there?
He hasn't got enough.
It's about time, isn't it?
He's got to give him some honours.
Maybe he's turned them down.
I mean, you would think that he would be laden with honours, wouldn't you?
He should be.
He absolutely should be.
Alan, Dave, you
you give some to Alan Davies?
Alan Davies?
No, he's a very talented man.
He's not mature enough.
I'm not suggesting that Davies should be.
Okay, how about this?
Ant and Dec?
Too young.
Too young?
Why?
Because it could go wrong for them.
You reckon?
Yeah.
No, it will never
No, you have to be old enough that you're really not going to make any mistakes.
Listen, Ant and Dec have skirted the shores of controversy but not by their own hands.
The thing about Forsyth is if he came anywhere near any controversy, he would keel over.
You have to be, I think, so mature that you take life from the world very gently and that makes you a risk-free zone.
I think Ant and Dec do that.
Do you?
I don't believe that they would ever knowingly court controversy.
Oh, really?
What does that mean?
Well, it means think back a year or so.
That wasn't their fault.
Wasn't it?
No, that was underlings in their company and they paid the price.
Still, I'm not sure they could go for national treasure status here because of that.
You're talking about the phone fixing scandal.
How about this one?
Richard Briars.
Briars.
Yes, yeah, I would say ten Maybe I mean cuz he means more to our generation.
Perhaps.
Yeah, what's he done recently?
That's the other thing is you've got to keep you got to keep visiting in the ice Yeah, working exactly keep our eyes and he hasn't really kept his end up.
Come on Briars pull your finger out How about this one?
No question, I would say.
Top 10.
Uh, Attenborough.
Oh, absolutely.
The, um... Not Dickey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because Dickey's more of a controversial figure, but, um... Really?
Yeah.
I'd give him to all the Attenboroughs.
Really?
All Attenboroughs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, what's the other guy's name that's gone out of my head?
What, Richard Attenborough?
Richard Attenborough.
Richard is the director.
Yeah.
David's the naturalist.
David, David, David.
Yeah.
Ooh, speaking of David's, Jason.
David, absolutely.
Jay Hall.
Yeah.
Well, Only Fools and Horses is a national treasure.
It should be projected directly into the eyeballs of all newborn babies.
Is that ten if I got ten?
In this country.
What about Trevor McDonald?
Oh, that's a good one.
He's a national treasure, isn't he?
A donut.
Did you see him on the National Television Awards?
No.
He was doing... I wouldn't watch that if you held a gun to my hand.
You missed out.
You missed the news that Tennant's stepping down as Doctor Who then.
Don't care.
Oh my lord.
You're out of control.
You're a loose cannon.
You're going to stay in the margin with an attitude like that.
Loose cannon, that's a good name for a film.
Very good.
We should get back to Text the Nation.
Right, I'm going to check that I've got ten national treasures back.
Maybe we could have some kind of Adam and Jo award that we would give to people.
It would be nice to hear an acceptance speech from Bruce if we gave him
an award.
I mean, that's what awards are, really, aren't they?
Yeah.
It's a way to make people come to you.
Do you know what I mean?
Because you can't refuse an award, whatever it is.
You have to respond.
Yeah.
Otherwise, you seem ungrateful.
If we just invented one, it could be brilliant promotion for our show.
That's a good idea.
We could award it just to amazingly famous people.
But who would accept an award from us, though, on this list?
Stephen Fry?
They'd have to.
They'd have to respond somehow.
Do you think Fry would?
If we sent them an object, they'd have to get some sort of response.
I don't know.
Okay, now Joe, this is your free choice.
What have you got?
Yeah, this is a bit of hippity hoppity.
This is ugly duckling with Abigail silk What if I don't want to but amusing email is that a problem
Yes, it's Text the Nation time here on The Adam and Jo Show on BBC Six Music.
Before that you heard James with a track called Laid.
Can we play a track like that in this current climate?
Yes we can, we just did.
That was from the 4th of May 2007 and you join us during Text the Nation where our challenge for you is to suggest possible movie titles to us and Adam and I are going to attempt to extrapolate a film plot from them.
It's a bit hard to describe this.
Well, we're using the formula of well-known phrases, I suppose, aren't we?
Yes.
Going on the premise that, for a good movie, all you need is the title.
Yeah.
And we're not, you know, a lot of people have texted in actual puns with, you know, titles with very obvious puns in them.
Like Bite Me, B-Y-T-E.
Yeah, which is good, but you don't really have to make that much effort.
We're looking for... Yeah, that's too good.
for phrases that don't have an obvious double meaning to them.
We can create one.
You know, the key here is the film made in Manhattan.
What a brilliant title that is.
So someone said parking meter.
That was James, our producer, I think.
And then we were thinking... That's a good title, parking meter.
But what about Marking Peter?
Marking Peter exactly is what the film's called.
And he's a traffic one.
He's a traffic one, exactly.
How about we got loads of texts here all of them are good So I'll just go through them quickly James in Bristol says take me to the bridge That is very good.
Take me to the bridge that could be about a soul singer like the journey of a soul singer who is what's the word he's Conscripted to fight in the army, right?
So it's like a bridge too far with a kind of soul guy as a soldier
And while the bridge is blowing up, or it's going wrong, he's singing these amazing songs.
And at the end, there's a scene where they're all being executed by the Nazis.
And he starts singing a soul song.
And the Nazis start crying.
We cannot shoot him!
The song is too good!
The song is too soulful!
That's the song, it's actually... Anyway, that's quite good isn't it?
That's very good.
That's from James in Bristol, thanks James.
A lot of these texts don't have names on them, so do include your name if you'd like a little shout out.
Hey chaps, this is from Dave actually in Paisley.
Just tuned in with our wicked hangover.
How about this?
Jumping the gun, which I just heard you say.
um jumping the gun jumping the gun well that is a fashionable movie for kids it's a bit like step up to the streets it's about skipping rope competitions can't have that for kids with guns in it uh wait i haven't said it's got it's got guns in it but it has because when i say kids i mean teams
It's like Step Up To The Streets or what's that one called?
You've Been Served.
So it's their inner city jump rope teams and one of them is a gang who have guns and everything gets quite nasty and there's a big skip rope payoff in which somebody tries to shoot somebody else but the lead skipper actually jumps over the gun.
and avoids the bullet.
Brilliant.
Jumping the gun.
Very good.
How about this one, a little filmy one.
Aspect ratio.
I like that.
That's a sci-fi movie.
Yeah.
Aspect ratio.
And I was thinking they go through like a black hole or a wormhole on the other side of the hole.
Things are stretched.
Everything's stretched.
Everything's a little bit stretched.
Everything's 2.35 to 1.
And then they go to another wormhole and it's 16 by 9.
Yeah.
Well that would be good, it would be like that film Brainstorm where they actually adjust the aspect ratio while you watch it.
So some of the movie would be in 4 by 3, some of it would be in 16 by 9.
I love saying these numbers.
Some of it would be 2.35 to 1.
Favourite aspect ratio, Justin?
Oh, definitely 2.35 to 1.
Yeah, just checking.
How about this?
This is anonymous.
About time.
That's very good.
It sounds a bit like about Schmidt.
About time.
Well, the hero would definitely be called Johnny Time.
Yeah, or use the old Parsley and Time thing.
Right.
T-H-Y-M-E.
Or maybe Kevin Tick.
Kevin Tick.
That's more lateral.
Johnny Tock.
Kevin Tic and Johnny Tock.
They're time cops.
Or Jimmy Stitch.
Or Stitch in Time.
Or we go completely the other way.
It's about a very old watchmaker.
And he's never fallen in love.
He's devoted his whole life to repairing watches.
And it's about time we fell in love.
and it ends.
Here's one from Michael Leonard.
He says, here's a phrase that's bound to be in a rubbish Hollywood thriller at some point.
Call waiting.
That's good.
That's very good.
Call waiting.
I can't believe no one's used that one yet.
Well, that reminds me of Girl 6, the Spike Lee film, like a telephonist in the Spike Lee film.
She's a dirty telephonist.
It wouldn't be the case in this film.
Clean, clean one.
And it would be a romance.
Yeah, I mean, this is a good one for, um... How about this?
It's the lady who was in almost famous Hudson.
Right.
Kate Hudson.
Yeah.
I can imagine her and McConaughey.
Yes.
In cool waiting.
The cast of Fool's Gold.
Absolutely.
Together again.
Wow.
And how to lose a guy on 10 days.
Box on 10 days.
Yeah.
And what would that be about?
They'd be telephonists in different countries, maybe.
Maybe she works for Barclays in India.
Right.
She works in a call centre.
McConnell, he maybe, plays an Indian character.
She works for the demon helpline in Bombay.
Right.
And she plays an Indian character with a very thick accent.
Right.
That would be good.
She'd get an Oscar for it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they fall in love while resetting his preferences.
But he can't commit.
Yeah.
Right?
And the call waiting refers to his inability to commit to the relationship.
And that's the thing.
Maybe she works for a company called Waiting.
And then, you know, you got to call Waiting.
That's another meaning.
His name is Mark Call.
And her name's Jackie Waiting.
And finally, for the moment, from Michael Leonard also, may contain nuts.
That's very good.
Now, the obvious way to go would be a sort of Dudley Moore-style comedy.
Well, Seth Rogen, surely.
Seth Rogen, yes.
Moore's yesterday's news, isn't he?
Rogen... Well, he's passed away obviously.
He's no longer with us.
That's a block.
So Seth Rogen, what's it called again?
May contain nuts.
He works in a chocolate factory that make chocolate bars.
He's the crazy son of a Willy Wonka style chocolate manufacturer and he's having a mental breakdown.
So it does skirt over quite serious issues.
So he's in a hospital when you say skirt over, but he's that this is the thing He has these brilliant ideas for chocolate bars, but he's uncontrollable.
He's unhandleable So yeah, yeah, I like it.
Yeah, they're all good ideas amazing board meeting scenes where he goes wild This is the tip of the iceberg.
We've got loads to get through so keep them coming in ladies and gentlemen But now I think it's time for the we're a bit late for the top of our jingle, but let's have it anyway It's just you know about six minutes past 11, so it's the top of our
This is the voice of the big, great, dear castle.
It is the top of the hour.
Ooh, that's wonderful.
I got support with the last hour and had it scored.
Who's that band then?
A Bruce Springsteen band.
Don't know then.
No, that was the Rolling Stones band and that was Let's Spend the Night Together sounding good.
Well done Rolling Stones.
Are they national treasures?
Is Mick Jagger's a national treasure?
He's a national disgrace.
He exactly.
He's on a separate list.
Right, he's imprisoned.
Yeah, we'll come back to the National Treasures in a bit.
We've got so much to get through.
We've got a lot of texts coming in.
A lot of texts.
Thank you so much.
They're all good as well.
It's a pleasure, man.
It's my free playtime right now.
My free playtime right now.
But what I'm going to do, right?
I haven't actually picked anything.
So I'm going to get you, Joe Cornish, to help me select one by just whittling some criteria.
Do you ever do this?
Like when you get bored, if you use iTunes or a similar kind of program here in the studio and you've got your iTunes... And you can select the music on your computer by various... You've got your music library there.
Yeah, by various, you know, in various categories.
The length of the song, the artist, the album, the date you added it or whatever, or the date it was created, whatever.
And so sometimes, like, you might have an afternoon of listening to just songs that begin with the letter F.
Fantastic afternoon, that would be.
What fun.
So maybe that'll be one of the criteria we use, but for the time being, I want you to give me a length of time between one and two minutes.
Okay, I want to... In minutes and seconds.
Between one and two minutes.
Yeah, I'd like a one minute 37 second song all right one minute point three seven I'm gonna find a perfect length for a song and this is from obviously listeners.
This is from my MP3 player Just what I happen to have loaded on it, but it's a you know It's like 60 gigs worth of stuff one minute that how much did you say one point three seven?
One point three seven as close as you can get to it.
Okay, we've got about 25 on whatever whatever song fits this criteria you're going to play Yeah, whatever it is
No, not if it's wary of us.
Okay.
Yeah swearing aside if it's if it's fit for broadcast Whatever it is, you will play it.
I think so.
You're not gonna put a shame filter on you have to be honest It's not a very good selection.
We got loads of firm.
I've got my Harry Potter
That's good, I like the sound of this.
So what's the track that comes closest to 1 minute 37?
Well there are, I've got loads of 1 minute 37 tracks.
Well we need another criteria so we can settle it down.
Okay, another criteria.
Oh no, I haven't thought this through.
Okay, right, here we go.
I'm loading the tracks, all the 1 minute 37 tracks onto a separate playlist.
Good, yes.
So now you have to give me a letter of the alphabet.
Okay, we're gonna go for...
If I went for H, it would definitely be Harry Potter.
No, not necessarily.
No, that's true because it might be Dobby's theme.
I'm going to go for the letter P.
P. Okay.
Uh, element O. Element O. We don't have a P. Okay, go for Q. Closest to P. Closest to P, O or R?
Uh, let's go for R. R. I think R is a letter with which lots of song titles start.
I don't have any R either.
This isn't working.
Uh, closest we've got to R is T.
Really?
All right.
What tea?
Tea's good.
I like tea.
It's, um, it's spoken word.
It's Jerry Seinfeld.
Um, taboo topics.
He's having it.
It's not very good, is it?
It's not going to have any swearing in it because it's Seinfeld.
You never know.
Oh, this isn't working.
Well, listen, why don't we have a think about it and play the next record on the on the playlist thing?
yeah yeah it's a good idea i think a lot of listeners out there are thinking well that segment didn't really work but it was a good idea and we like Adam so one minute 37 was a stupid time i shouldn't have had well between one and two minutes really does whittle it down to two short songs i mean most songs
are around three minutes.
Do another time quickly, quickly, quickly.
Okay, let's say three minute twelve.
Three minutes and twelve, three minutes and twelve.
Okay, fast now because people are getting bored at home.
They're thinking of tuning over to Who's On Radio 2, Richard Allinson.
Three minute twelve.
Come on, come on, come on.
We could have new listeners who've been bumped here.
Alright, keep on interested.
Okay, three minute twelve, that's good, that's good, that's good.
Now you're gonna have to drag them all into a playlist.
This is very laborious.
Alright, I'll do that during the next song.
What's the next song?
The next song is Howling Bells.
We're gonna just get under the hood of this idea and tweak it a bit.
We'll be back in a second.
Here's Howling Bells with
Into the Chaos.
Howling Bells with Into the Chaos, that is released on November the 17th and they're currently working on their second album which will be released in 2009.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
Okay, I've put all the songs from my iPod that are three minutes and 12 seconds long into a separate playlist.
Now, this is fun, isn't it?
Now, A Letter of the Alphabet.
I'm gonna go for B. B. Okay, we have got three.
We've got... Hang on, you're just gonna tell me what they are?
No, no, no, of course I'm not.
Of course you're not.
Why would I do that?
Okay then, number from one to three.
Nice question.
Two.
Okay.
It's Jackie Metoo with Black Organ.
What's that?
It's a bit of reggae.
I think it's an interesting film title.
I think it's instrumental.
Well, we better check it because we can't take any risks.
Hang on, I'm just gonna... It's instrumental.
Yeah?
I'll burn it off.
This is exciting.
I mean, could we win it?
This is not the right Saturday to do a fly by the seat of the pants.
Can we get some kind of award for this idea?
Yeah.
This segment, this is the worst idea I've ever had.
All right.
It's a good idea.
Okay.
I'm going to let it lie now.
Listen, can we have the textination jingle?
and get over the thing.
I mean, I've got Jackie Mitu burned off.
Listen, but before the jingle, can I just say that I want Terrence Stamp to be cast in the big screen adaptation of the stage musical Stomp?
Well, you know, we had another... And then the trailers will go Stomp.
Stomp.
Yeah.
Just something I'd like to happen with.
We did have an idea, a stamp-based idea.
Let's do the jingle there before we get into that.
Okay, yeah, jingle.
Text the nation!
Text, text, text!
Text the nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation!
But I'm using email, is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
Yes, Text the Nation this week is to do with you suggesting titles that could possibly be, or phrases that could possibly be film titles and we will make up the story of the film for you.
They have to have, they don't have to have anything really, it's just a string of words that could be a...
a film title.
I'm getting exhausted trying to explain it, so we'll just assume.
Bob from Hammersmith, he suggests First Class Stamp.
Terence Stamp is accidentally wrapped in a box and mailed to a convention.
Disgusting.
convention which is discussing the welfare state and Stamp manages to convince the committee to let pensioners send packages by post for free.
I'd say that's a BBC 4 drama.
The film ends with the bill being passed and stamped reading the end.
What?
Thank you very much, Bob from Hammersmith.
That was very nice.
How about this one?
Dear Diary.
Dear spelled D-E-E-R.
Fantastic.
Dear Diary.
Well, that is possibly just a title for a natural history documentary.
Like a Bill Oddie style thing of following the life of a deer.
But it could also be about a woman that falls in love with a deer.
Uh, Anne writes about it in her diary.
It's like Bridget Jones' diary.
If you wanted to take it high concept, you could call it Dear Diary Hunter.
What?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Um, like Dear Hunter.
Oh, nice.
I like it.
Thank you.
How about this from Sue in King's Cross.
He's got his father's eyes.
Well, that reminds me of Jeepers Creepers.
Uh, where he steals the people's eyes.
That horror film.
Yeah.
He's got his father's eyes.
Oh, wow.
That would be a good horror.
I mean, that's a bit too descriptive.
Right.
Yeah.
Too horrific.
That's so literal.
I mean, you don't, I don't need to say anything.
Okay.
For this, Oromcom.
This is ideal from Samuel in Manchester.
A game of two suaves.
Right.
Uh, well, hmm, that would be a bit like, uh, Trading Places.
Yeah.
And it would be about two very rich men who have some kind of a bet.
It would be a remake of Trading Places.
Or Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.
Yeah, it would be a kind of, what you call it, like My Fair Lady style makeover thing.
A kind of a transformation swap-o-thon.
But again, you see, it's already too punny.
I want the most challenging possible title that suggests nothing that has no resonance at all.
parking meter was good parking meter is good isn't it that's good uh okay how about this off the record right off the record that's from rust in south hampton well that's obviously about a uh a record company isn't it it's about maybe a record company in the 60s at like a swinging 60s Soho based
record company and it's just a sort of confessions of a window cleaner style sex romp about a young lad who works as the tea boy in a Joe Meeks style record label in the 60s.
I like it.
And he just has chirpy adventures.
Bye!
He's off for the record.
You're off for the record, mate.
John and Cheshire suggests these are good.
These are good, John.
Please do not bend.
Well, that I don't need to go into that.
I think our audience are capable of seeing that film in their heads.
OK, how about this one?
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
That's very good.
Now, that's a sequel to Cheaper by the Dozen.
Yeah.
And that's about a family who have 12 children, they divorce, they have to take six of the children each.
Terrific.
And then the man with six of the children falls in love with another woman.
There was one with Dennis Quaid in there that was a little bit like that as well.
I can't remember the name of that one.
But that was very simple.
Or it could be about robots.
Six of one could be the name of a robot.
Right, like seven of nine.
Yeah, exactly.
He's got another suggestion.
Carbon footprint.
I like that.
I like that a lot.
There must be something in production called Carbon Footprint already.
That's very good though, John, from Cheshire.
Thank you very much.
Well, can we have to think of a storyline for Carbon Footprint?
Yeah.
Can you think of one?
I'm just thinking of Bigfoot.
Well, there's a... Well, you've got to have an eco-tie in.
It's like a serial killer movie, right?
With an eco-warrior.
It's an action film, I think.
Isn't it?
Because action films sometimes have really dry titles like that.
Isn't the villain in Quantum of Solace an eco-warrior?
Supposedly, something to do with water.
Right.
Water supplies.
I think that's the... It's gonna be the new thing is to cast eco-warriors as villains, you know what I mean?
Just to get their own back.
Thanks a lot, Algo.
Okay, the guy's name is Carbon.
Yeah.
Johnny Carbon.
Jimmy Carbon.
Yeah, and he has a footprint of death.
Do you know what I mean?
When you call in Johnny Carbon, he's an enforcer.
He enforces ecological rules with violence.
He is licensed to kill people that don't recycle correctly.
So he goes around checking the weight of people's bins, kicks their doors in.
If he finds you've got any plastic packaging that is non-recyclable in the recycling bin, he kills you.
He stomps on you.
Right.
Exactly.
And the poster is him with his foot on a housewife's face.
Because she's put a yogurt pot in there.
Stupid woman.
Carbon footprint.
That's excellent.
Thank you very much John from Cheshire.
Okay, we got we got yet more of these to get through But let's have some more music now before we so we're not gonna play Jackie me too, then I'm guessing black organ You know what?
I was such an idiot because if I only I'd lied about it The one next to black organ was blue gene by David Bowie, but I thought safeguarding trust I can't lie to play two Bowie tracks in a show either.
Right?
That would be too much too much blue gene.
I just met a girl name is a good track
But I couldn't do it because I couldn't lie.
Listen, it was a heroic failure.
We really appreciated the intention.
Yeah.
That it was a disaster, was a shame, but we'll live.
So here's the choral instead.
That's the choral with dreaming of you.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
We were talking earlier about hot, hotty bodies.
Hot water bottles.
It's even better said in a really bad Australian stroke, New Zealand accent.
Hotty body.
Ah, it's nice to say.
A couple of people have suggested that we're missing a trick with hottiebottie.
You've got to use the word water as well.
Alan Vickers says the definitive name is Walter Hottlebottle.
That's what he calls it, right?
Walter Hottlebottle.
He says the definitive name is Walter Hottlebottle, please conform.
Alan Suffolk.
So that's more like an edict.
Please confirm.
No, he says conform.
Oh, I see.
We have to use Walter Hottlebottle.
I like that.
I like turning an object into a person is always good, isn't it?
Sure, absolutely.
It's including the water element there as well.
One more.
Yes, John in Edinburgh says you're missing a trick there.
It's not a hottie-bottie.
That's just foolish and ignores the vital component.
It's a hottie-wottie-bottie.
That's very good.
I wasn't aware of any of these.
To me, it was all... The whole new world has opened up for you.
A new fantastic point of view.
Unbelievable smells.
Indescribable smells.
It's just gone 11.30.
It's time for the news here on 6 Music.
Good effort, that's Santo Gold with Say Aha.
And when I say good effort, I mean that was really enjoyable.
Well done, Santo Gold.
Why hasn't the drinks company Fanta invented a Santa?
The Fanta Santa.
Well... And he's like Santa.
Yeah.
But he's orange, like Fanta, and he's bubbly.
That's good.
I mean, Fanta's owned by Coca-Cola, I think, isn't it?
Well, that's a myth.
The whole Santa Coke thing.
Is it?
Yeah, they kind of, I think they kind of invented the costume, but the idea that they, um... No, obviously they didn't invent Saint Nick.
Well, no, that's what you're implying.
They invented the colour scheme, didn't they?
Wrote the Bible.
No, the red and the white.
I think so.
That might even be a myth as well.
I'm sure I've read something about that being a myth.
But anyways, that's Santa Fanta.
I like it.
It's Christmas time.
Here comes.
And then he smacks you in the face really hard.
That's the tango.
Ah, no, I couldn't do that.
The Santa Fanta, he just pours fizzy drink down the chimney.
Fanta Santa, yeah.
So you wake up in the morning and your front room is soaked with an inch of sticky fizzy drink.
Fizzy goop.
Or you could just stick your head in the chimney and open your mouth.
I mean, you'd get a lot of soot on you and stuff.
Yes, that would be the second campaign.
The first campaign, he'd come down and it'd be Christmas morning and the whole front room is soaked with Fanta.
We had a chimney fire the other day because we lit a fire.
without getting your chimneys cleaned.
You've got to get it cleaned annually.
Oh man.
And we forgot about the whole... Can be very dangerous.
Suddenly there was flaming debris coming down the thing and like piling into the room.
It was really scary.
That's a good public service announcement.
And my wife wanted to call the fire brigade and stuff, and I spritzed it and calmed it all down and fixed the problem.
But I think there was a bird's nest up there or something.
It was no good.
And no birds in it, I'm glad to say.
So I hope not.
But yeah, don't, you know, be careful with those chimneys.
Fanta Santa.
Smack!
No, that's the tango one.
Okay, here's some suggestions for Song Wars next week.
We asked you to think of...
shows, TV shows, that we could do a new theme tune for, right?
We've got loads of ideas that have come in.
I'll just rattle through a few of them now.
Hello, Adam and Jo.
This is from Sarah in London.
Could you create a new theme tune for Spooks?
Do you watch Spooks?
Never watched Spooks.
I don't watch Spooks either, so maybe that's not such a good idea.
That could be good, though.
She says, I watched it last night.
It's a great show, but the theme tune sounds like casualty.
It doesn't quite fit.
Tom says, please do a new title track for Friends.
It's on at least 5,000 times a day on channels like ITV3.
I've done that already.
Yeah, you did.
I did a Friends thing for the Adam and Jo show if you go on YouTube, you can find it.
I did a hilarious... FurRends, it was called.
OK, David in Exeter says, good morning, Adam and Joe.
I believe that the Antiques Roadshow theme is long overdue for some lyrics.
That's about the time I had something to sing along to on a Sunday evening.
So he's talking about keeping the original music.
We've got to look into that, see whether it's usable in the podcast.
But we should just go ahead and do it willy-nilly, because people will be able to listen
Nilly Willy.
Yeah, Willy Nilly.
That's a good name for a film as well.
Don't do that, Willy Nilly.
Free Willy Nilly.
Thanks David and Exeter for that one.
That's the prequel to Free Willy.
Alton.
No, Alton.
Jane from Alton in Hampshire.
She says, surely the EastEnders theme tune is seriously in need of updating.
I feel that might be, that turf might have been covered by other people in the past.
Oh really?
Yeah.
Something more uplifting, more cheeky chappy.
I am going to smurf your face.
Oh my gosh I've had a terrible accident.
Too easy.
Good morning Adam and Joe.
This is from Paul who lives in Amsterdam and he doesn't get any work done either he says.
I should have hooked up with him while I was over there.
He says, please do QI.
That's a good idea.
He says it's got a dreadful middle-aged BBC employed white guy making cod reggae theme tune, which lets down an otherwise fantastically entertaining show.
Very true.
Think of the fun you could have with the lyrics, he says.
Good idea.
This is from Liam now.
Hi there, Adam and Joe.
You should maybe think of composing a theme tune to a show that has no theme, like Lost or Heroes.
Does Lost not have a theme?
No, it just goes...
Oh, that's a theme, though.
Not really.
I mean, that's a disgrace if you ask me.
Well, they don't have time for themes in America.
You might lose interest.
Get on with the story.
But that's a good idea.
I like the idea of doing a lost theme, maybe.
It could be... It's a good one for you.
You watch that program.
Yeah, I like it.
I'm looking forward to the new series.
What's that?
That was back in the nutty room suddenly.
That was my I'm excited about lost thing.
We've got so many ideas here.
Okay, here's the idea.
Is that his lost JJ Abrahams?
Yes.
Here's an idea that a few people have thought about.
He likes Mike, quantum of solid sun.
Oh no.
He does.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, Fran says... Very true.
Well, it doesn't usually have a lyrical component, does it?
Well, I suppose it could be operatic or, um, choral or something.
Well, I'm leaning heavily towards QI, because I agree completely with those sentiments.
I think it's a... I mean, there's something attractive about that theme tune, about the middle-aged kind of hopelessness of it.
It's comforting.
Yeah.
It's just like a little old man having a bit of a skank.
Yeah.
Having a mild, non-hip-threatening skank.
That's right.
That's what the show is like.
And finally, from Frankie, how about a new theme tune for Skins?
The E4 drama about teenagers.
The current theme tune is all a bit too light and fluffy and doesn't really reflect all the bad behaviour that goes on.
Yeah, that's true.
The titles are terrible for Skins.
yeah yeah that's very true so thank you very much for all those suggestions those are excellent well we'll have a think during the week and yeah so that'll be next week's song wars we should wrap up text the nation after this as well we've got so many things to respond to is it my free choice yeah no is it
Oh no, it's not.
It's a bit of... It's Siguros.
It's Siguros.
Is this the video where they're all running around naked in the forest?
Possibly.
I think I saw their new video and it's full of beautiful people just naked in a forest.
Where did you see it?
I saw it on a DVD that came through with a magazine.
Oh, yeah.
I wouldn't be allowed to see it on YouTube because there's no nudeness.
Um, Siguros with Vid Spillum and the Laust.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
We've had a wonderfully overwhelming response to Texternation today, asking you for phrases that could be turned into the titles of films very easily, and we're kind of pitching you ideas.
I'm putting Joe on the spot by throwing some of the phrases you've suggested at him and seeing what he comes up with.
And we've got a few great movies that I'm looking forward to seeing in the movie houses, all lined up.
And here's two or three more just to finish off the feature today.
How about this one?
This is an anonymous one.
buy one get one free but I was thinking buy Juan get Juan yes it's exactly it's a Hispanic gentleman that arrives in New York and he puts himself on the game and he brings his trim brother over as well as a gentleman lover doubles his money
They're both called Juan.
Yes.
You buy Juan, you get Juan free.
That's stereotypical accent and I'm sorry.
Exactly.
Okay, how about this?
Jane in Muswell Hill suggests Rabbi in the headlights.
Again, that writes itself, doesn't it?
It's a rabbi, he's in the headlights.
It's hard to think beyond the title for that one.
Yeah, beyond that.
It's not broad enough.
Radiohead video.
Yes, exactly.
I mean, it's a strong image.
The headlights.
The rabbi.
He's stark.
I mean, it's a brilliant opening.
Why?
Why is the rabbi running?
Who's chasing him?
Yeah.
Well, see, now it's unfolding.
It is unfolding, but I can't answer any of those questions.
I think only Jane knows.
Okay.
What the rabbi's running from.
I'm worried about insulting rabbis.
Sense and sensibility.
Sense.
C-E-N-T-S.
Wow, these have inbuilt puns.
We want really stark.
you know, solid, punless ones.
How about this?
This is good.
How about, this is from Matt in Lancaster.
How about Plane Jane, a film about an average looking air hostess who has to save passengers by flying an out of control plane, thus getting together with a fella at the end or something.
I like the idea that she might land the plane and maybe she's in love with the guy that brings them in, you know, that waves the paddles.
Yeah.
And she brings it in and the nose would stop just before it taps.
Jim.
And then she'd climb out of the window and they'd have a kiss.
And also she has a makeover in mid-air.
Right, so by the end of the film she's not so plain.
Very good.
That's a goer.
Thanks Matt, that was fantastic.
He's written the whole thing for us.
Excellent.
Okay, how about this one?
Dear Adam and Jo, Tim in Wellington's... Wellingborough says... Tim in Wellington's... He says, Tim, I've got some Wellingdon's on.
Now, I've just finished an assignment on ecology.
Please could you come up with a film called The Phosphorus Cycle?
You see, that is brilliant.
The Phosphorus Cycle.
That's a bit like the parallax view.
It's a conspiracy thriller.
The Phosphorus Cycle.
I don't know what it... But it involves things glowing very brightly in the dark.
uh man um i can't think of anything else maybe he's a cyclist because that's a play on the word cycle isn't it and he's called dan phosphorus dan phosphorus and he's an olympic cyclist and he uh he just cycles it's a sports movie
It's less exciting than it started out.
Yeah, it's a sports move.
And finally, finally, how about this?
Inkjet printer.
That's good.
Inkjet printer.
Inkjet is a new type of stealth plane.
The Inkjet printer.
You said it.
It's good before.
before and then fail to come up with something good no it's good because it's so tough inkjet printer that's from uh that was from michael and brighten but how about this one more final one wait no we can't it's a difficult one oh you want to crack that one do you yeah okay i'm not sure i'm going to another one last one dave duster says
Chest of drawers.
Chest of drawers is very good, but again, that's an adult film.
Thank you very much indeed for all your suggestions, your texts and emails for Text the Nation.
We really appreciate them.
It's time for Joe's Free Choice now.
Yeah, this is by a guy called Sweet Charles.
I don't know much about Sweet Charles, do you Adam?
He's very sweet.
We've liked this song for many years.
We don't know anything about it really.
It appeared on a compilation that we both had.
This is the urban one.
Yeah.
Oh yeah, it's a smash.
This is called Yes It's You.
Sweet Charles with Yes It's You.
If you know anything about Sweet Charles, do let us know.
But we're coming up to the end of the show now.
Thank you very much to everybody who's texted or emailed or even just listened.
We hope you've enjoyed it.
Yeah, we really appreciate it.
Maybe you've never listened to the show before.
In which case, let me tell you, if you thought it was a bit raggedy, it was unusually raggedy this week.
That's the deal.
But if you thought it was super slick,
It was unusually slick this week.
Normally it's a little bit more raggedy.
I'm off to the shops to buy Dead Space.
What's Dead Space?
It's a video game.
Ooh, what happens?
Uh, you're a space man and it's scary.
Do you have to be 18?
Probably.
And I might go and see the Quantum of Solace.
Ooh!
Exciting.
Yeah, it's going to be a good weekend.
Record opening, Everest.
That's right.
Highest box office opening average.
5 million.
In the UK.
Wiping the floor with the previous record holder, Harry Potter.
Harry Potter.
Both British productions.
Well done, Britain.
You see?
And one day, that could be Rabbi in the headlights.
It will be Rabbi in the headlights.
The lowest opening weekend ever.
With that massive opening.
No, seriously, thank you very much indeed for all your texts and sorry if we didn't read out a thing that you sent in and you think, oh, they'll definitely read this out.
We really appreciate all of them and we just couldn't read all of them out.
And we'll be back next week, don't forget you can listen again to the show via the BBC website, or there'll be an edited highlights podcast available online from about 5pm today.
Yeah, that's right, we're just going to sneak off right now and record some brand new links for it, so that'll be exciting.
Get all kinds of extra stuff on the podcast.
Now we're going to leave you with a classic radio head session, stay tuned for Liz Kershaw, and have a fantastic week, and be careful on bonfire night, won't you, listeners?
Take care, and we'll be with you again on Saturday.
Bye!
Love you, bye!