Hello and welcome to the Big British Castle.
It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio.
There'll be some music and some random talking in between, and then eventually the whole thing will just end.
Very good.
It's nice to start our show with a song about tramps.
Yes, that's the tone.
Exactly.
The trampy tone.
Otis Reading there, and Carla.
What's her name, Carla?
Something.
Carla.
It's not Carla Lane, is it?
Carla Thomas.
Thank you very much for 1967.
Hey, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC six music.
It's not a bad morning.
I mean, you know, it's not too cold.
It's not like brutally cold.
It's unusually mild.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
It's fun talking about the weather.
I love it.
And it's a nice, it's a bit overcast.
Do you think it's going to brighten up later?
Uh, there's no telling.
I mean, who can tell?
Yeah, but they speculate.
Bookmakers are going crazy.
Are they?
Yeah, will it brighten up later?
Is it gonna brighten up?
Who's gonna win?
I'm a celebrity.
Oof.
Well, that's a whole different topic that we need to talk about later on.
I think it is gonna brighten up.
I think the whole of Britain's gonna brighten up.
Really, Bryce Britton?
Yeah, I think the process is gonna end.
Sun's gonna come out, it's gonna be the hottest Christmas on record.
Scorching temperatures, people in their bikinis, economy's gonna boom.
Britain's gonna become the most powerful country in the world.
That's it.
That's excellent.
Very positive.
Instead of Santa, he's gonna be called Suntan.
Nice.
Thank you.
So, folks, wow.
What a show we've got coming up.
We were a little sleepy last week.
Yeah.
Right?
I've got to admit that I'm still a little sleepy.
What?
What time did you go to bed last night?
Two.
Two?
That's irresponsible.
Why did you go to bed so late?
I was watching Summer Heights High.
And I couldn't stop watching it.
Have you seen that?
Have you got it on DVD then?
Yeah.
And you rattled right through the whole series.
Three episodes.
Better than The Office, they say.
Do they?
Yeah.
It is good.
It's very good.
Right.
Do you get that?
I thought I'd just watch one episode before I went to sleep.
Sure.
But I ended up watching three in a row.
Rattle through.
Now you're a little groggy.
I'm antipodean comedy crazy.
Right.
Yeah.
Rhys Darby.
Yeah.
I've watched some Kath and Kim.
And Summer Heights High.
Wow.
As you know, I love the accent.
It makes everything even funnier.
If anyone's from that part of the world, perhaps they could identify
What Joe's accent is, yeah.
Where does it come closest to?
South Africa.
Let's play some music now and we'll tell you a bit more about today's exciting show after Hot Chip with Over and Over.
Yummy hot chips for breakfast.
Delicious.
They'll be playing that in 500 years time, don't you think?
A party?
Yeah.
It's a classic.
It's a perennial classic.
Yeah.
I mean, do you think you could play that on an acoustic guitar?
Yes.
Do you like it when people do smooth jazz versions of rock songs?
Yeah.
Always yeah, it's it's an it's an ever-winning formula like when someone like who's name an old crooner Who's the guy the old guy Tony Bennett, right?
Like if Tony did Tony Bennett do a cover of Thanks.
Yeah, and it's a good idea Did he do a cover of or smells like Teen Spirit by Nirvana someone did probably
Paul Anchor, right.
The onomatopoeically named Paul Anchor did a cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit.
And it's a funny thing, isn't it, to hear like a really raucous song covered in that laid-back way.
Who would have expected it?
Who?
I'm asking you.
Me and you and everybody else.
Everybody.
Everyone expects it.
That's right.
That's true.
Have you seen the Pierce Brosnan ads for Skin Cream?
Yeah.
He says... He's the L'Oreal man.
That's right.
Is Andy still the woman?
Andy McDowell?
Or have they put her out to pasture yet?
Because there's only a certain amount of time that you can stretch your skin for, isn't there, until it all boings back.
Well, no, Jane Fonda's been stretching it for many years and that's true.
She's gone beyond creams.
Right.
She's on butterfly clips in the back of her head.
Well, no, Andy McDowell's got a long while before they get the butterfly clips out.
Yeah, before they get the crayons out.
Yeah, but she doesn't use cream anymore.
She uses the latest beauty treatment, Photoshop.
by adobe uh bronholm doesn't know no he doesn't need to because uh he wears wrinkles in a very sexy way they shine a light over every part of his face today at the end of the ad so that you can see that the appearance of wrinkles has been reduced to quote the ad his catchphrase in the ad is the future of your skin is in your hands
What sort of a voice is that?
That's what he sounds like, and he sounds more like Bowie than Bowie does.
It's amazing.
He sounds exactly like Bowie.
The future of your skin is in your hands.
That's what he sounds like.
Oh, I'm going to have to listen again.
It's amazing.
I've got to record it.
I didn't have my Skyplus.
He rides a horse down the beach, doesn't he?
Just in life.
In that ad verse?
Oh, in the ad verse.
Maybe there's a new one, but the one I remember, he's playing pool at the end.
That's right.
And he's riding a horse.
And he looks very attractive.
He is an attractive man.
He's got very piercing eyes.
That's why he's called Pierce.
Really?
I think so.
Really?
Yeah.
You're a font of a church.
You're a church font.
I'm like a church font, aren't I?
Folks, we've got the resolution of Song Wars coming up this week.
I've got my £20 in my wallet.
Have you?
Now we should remind listeners that we made a bet last week we did Song Wars theme tunes about
TV.
I'm repeating myself.
TV theme tunes.
Write new theme tunes for TV shows.
I did a theme tune for the news.
I did the Antiques Roadshow.
And Adam bet me that there was no way that anybody whose name appeared on the closing credits of Antiques Roadshow would ever hear or be aware, let alone be interested in or like my song.
Listen, I did qualify it later on.
Originally, I did say... You did stand very unmanly.
I know.
That was backpedaling.
Later on, I said it had to be Fiona Bruce.
That was backpedaling.
I agree.
Earlier on, though, I did say director, presenter, or producer.
Right, director.
So we've got a £20 bet.
Right.
So you owe me 20, if anyone, from the closing credits.
No, director, presenter, producer.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
All right.
And email, or like what if it was more than an email?
More than an email, I would be more impressed, but you'd still only get 20.
Have you got the 20?
Yeah, I do.
Show me the colour of your money.
It's in my wallet.
I'll show it to you during the next track.
Get it out during this free play.
This is an optimistic track for, you know, weather forecasters.
Adam, you might like this.
This is Roy Ayres with Everybody Loves the Sunshine.
You can do both.
What, be human and be a dancer?
Yeah.
I'm not sure you can.
Really?
Yeah, we talked about this before.
Did we?
Joe said, what is this?
Like a disgusting... Well, what was it?
It sounded like the mid-80s again.
Not that I dislike the mid-80s.
He sounded like my dad.
They just sing about such stupid things so seriously.
That's what it's all about, to create a classic song.
It is, isn't it?
Yeah, it really is.
It's key, isn't it?
No, they do it with absolute conviction.
How could you keep a straight face through that one, though?
Well, you should have seen them on the MTV Europe Awards there.
They played that song.
Really?
Did they?
Did the drummer have his tongue in his bottom lip?
I'm behind the lead singer.
The lead singer's all super serious and the drummer's just... No, they didn't.
They were playing it in what looked like a giant noughts and crosses board.
And they were all in their own individual cube.
This was the MTV Europe Awards.
Yes, exactly.
And they had very few close-ups of the band.
There was one close-up, I think, of Brandon Flowers, the lead singer, and that was it for close-ups.
Apart from that, you were just left to admire the spectacle of... And it was pretty impressive when they came up with this giant Noughts & Crosses award, with all these projections going on around them.
I missed it.
Was that the theme for the whole show, Noughts & Crosses?
No, I think it was just for that particular track.
I don't know why.
Good.
For that track or not.
There was no real theme.
The theme was, I suppose, Katy Perry.
Right.
She was the host of the awards.
Yep.
So, family-friendly bendiness.
Exactly.
Would be the theme.
Friendly bendiness.
And she was... I mean, there's no question that she is in any way bendy herself, though.
Is there?
Uh, I don't think so, no.
She's just cashing in on that kind of thing.
Exactly.
She's a lipstick, uh, bendy person.
And she sang, obviously... Did she have more than one hit about, uh, kissing girls?
No, that was just the one.
I mean, she's had more than one hit, I think.
Her album's done well, though, right?
I think.
Very well.
And, um, so she was the host.
I mean, that smacks of someone dropping out at the last minute.
Or maybe just there being absolutely no one around.
Or you being out of touch.
Really?
I don't know.
It's a possibility.
Maybe she's the hottest thing on the block right now.
Absolutely.
She's the hottest thing on the block.
Well, it certainly did make me feel quite ancient watching the program because... Tell me this.
Are 30 Seconds from Mars fronted by Jared Leto the hottest thing on the block?
Yes.
Good.
Because they were hosting too.
Were they?
Yes, they were co-hosting with Katy Perry.
Every now and again, they would cut to a kind of party zone where the band, 30 Seconds From Mars, you know them, you can sing their songs.
We all.
30 seconds from Mars.
Nearly there.
Tick tock, tick tock.
20 seconds left.
Two Mars, that's one of them.
Yeah, they get the timing wrong by three minutes and that's how the song lasts that long.
Yeah, so they were there in their little party zone and they would cut them every time again.
Oh, my watch is slow, there's another two minutes.
Two minutes.
Two Mars.
And Jared Leto was just rambling in a sort of ludicrous way.
Unscripted way, I think that was the idea.
Katy Perry was scripted, but then for a random loose feel, kids hate things being organised.
Yeah.
Hence, they're messy bedrooms.
That's right.
So, that band, whose name I've forgotten already... 30 seconds from Mars.
Had... were in a kind of little playground area, weren't they?
With no rules, no script.
There was none rules.
Off the wall.
No.
And they would cut them in.
They would, like, at one stage, they had an interview with the Ting Tings.
Oh, brilliant.
Okay.
And the whole show was coming live from Liverpool.
Not live, but it was from Liverpool.
And so they had a crazy interview with the Ting Tings.
The two other band members from Thirty Seconds from Mars were standing there looking confused.
Do you know what they should do?
You know how you always have people like Dizzy Rascal on News Night?
Always, yeah.
You do.
He was famously on News Night.
They always try and get some popster, if they possibly should, to try and make young people watch.
They should put people like Paxo on the MTV Awards.
They should have a little area with news readers.
and important journalists.
That's right.
And they should throw to that.
Humiliate them and make them look daft.
Yeah.
Well, they could just criticise the programme.
That is a very good idea.
You should be producing these shows.
But anyway, Ting Ting's interview, check this out for excitingness, they were making a cocktail.
They were just mixing up a cocktail right there in the middle of the show.
Thousands of people stood around in this giant studio where they were.
Were they saying anything while they did it?
They had the microphones and Yarrod Letter was going, what are you doing there?
And the ting ting said, mixing a cocktail.
Oh, it looks weird.
I don't know if I would drink it.
OK, Katie, back to you.
That sounds sizzling.
It was good, man.
It was really good.
Wow, a cocktail.
And it looked as if a member of the audience was going to try it at one stage.
Are you going to try the cocktail?
How could I have missed this?
I don't know.
What was it called?
The MTV?
Yeah.
They'll have them again.
I want to talk more about them later on because so much happened in them.
It's exciting.
It's too much for one link.
But we should do another record and then maybe deal with the results of Song Wars after the bottom of the hour.
Does an hour have
bottom.
Certainly.
Well, here it is.
Coming up, here's the horse first by Alessi's Ark.
Sorry, I just tuned into that.
Jo's started laughing.
I'm not laughing at this song.
I'm just laughing at something I remembered.
I was laughing at this song.
She's pronouncing it in a funny way.
Is she under 10?
I think she is.
Oh, that's lovely.
I wonder if she's a fairy.
She's a fairy.
Wow, that's an exclusive then.
Music from and for fairies.
It was nice though, Alessi's Ark.
Yeah, it was really nice.
Good stuff.
With the horse.
Also nice for being one minute 48 seconds.
That's the perfect length for a song, I think.
For that song.
Come on.
It was good.
I swear to you, I wasn't, you know, fans of Alessi's Ark.
I was not mocking the song.
I was just set off by Joe.
He was giggling.
And then I started giggling.
Okay, hey folks, it's coming up to the bottom of the hour here on BBC 6 Music.
You're listening to Adam and Jo.
Thank you very much for doing so.
It's time now for the news.
Yes, it's Song Wars Time listeners.
The regular competition where we pick a theme, go off and record a song each and then battle them by means of your votes.
That's nicely explained, thanks mate.
You never know, it might be some new listeners.
I went a bit hustle there.
Excuse me, my friend.
Excuse me.
Oh, come on.
God be ever so grateful.
If you could give me... If you could do me a song, could you do us a song?
Yes.
Thank you very much.
It was TV theme tunes, right?
TV theme tunes.
New theme tunes for existing TV shows.
Adam did the news and I did Antiques Roadshow.
Yours was a good one, man.
You pulled a good one out of the Cornish stalker there.
That's very kind of you.
Yours was good as well.
Well, it wasn't that good.
What are you expecting the results to be?
I would say I would confidently predict that you have won.
It's a question of how much you have won by.
I would say that I'd be lucky to get 10% of the vote.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
I would be lucky.
Okay, let's see what it is.
Cornish is opening the envelope.
Adam, seven percent.
Seven?
I'm ninety-three.
Well, I've had a very bad, you know, you've won the last five or six in a row.
No, more even.
Listen, I'm not complaining.
I think justice has been done.
I'm not going to get all Kanye West on your ass there.
Thank God.
So don't you worry about it.
Seven plays 93, that's 7% to 93%.
Don't go on about it.
Sorry.
Thanks.
And here's the winning song, a new Antiques Roadshow theme.
You're bored, it's Sunday, 6.15.
There's nothing else on the TV.
Check it out now, it's the Antiques Roadshow, looking at old stuff, seeing if it's worth the move.
Which comes this week from Stoke-o-Trent.
Check, check, check, check it out now, it's the Anti-Stroke Show looking at old stuff seen at this window.
Where did you find this delightful clock?
What a prophecy unusual Julie Bocks!
What a stunning lithograph of the Albert Stocks!
What a beautiful painting of Hollywood!
I just adore this chest of drawers of yours.
It's from the Civil War.
Check it out now, it's the Antiques Roadshow.
Looking at old stuff, seeing if it's worth it.
The sun is bright, the crowd's polite.
I'm loosely white, but that's alright.
Check it out now, it's the Antiques Roadshow.
With a soup farmer born from Ghana, with a stuffed plumber, those cufflinks in the expert's hands cost $10,000 worth of ecran.
Bring your stuff to the BBC, we'll evaluate your empties for free.
You might even get to be on TV.
There we go, the winning song or song.
Well done.
This week, thanks.
And of course there was a bet that nobody from the Antiques Roadshow would be aware of that song, but then Adam, you scaled back the bet to say that you bet me £20 that no producer, presenter or director.
At the time I said producer, you said someone on the credit roll, we can check our podcast, but I said producer, presenter, director would be ideal.
Well, have a listen to this.
Hi, I'm Fiona Bruce, presenter of the news and the Antiques Roadshow and I heard your songs and I thought they were brilliant, especially the reference to Holy Hawks in the Antiques Roadshow one.
Who knows?
Could have a new Christmas hit, an unexpected Christmas hit on our hands.
I think they're great.
Well done.
Fiona Bruce Fiona presenter of the news.
She heard our songs.
Oh, she liked them She liked them.
Imagine her face while she was listening to them.
That was amazing.
That was like She's so maternal.
Oh, isn't she is and she treat like a toddler.
Are we all this?
Congratulate.
We won't be older than Fiona.
I'm sure we are Yeah, I feel like she's just congratulated us on making some sort of plastic finger painting
Figurine, yeah.
We just got chocolate all over our faces.
Well done, Adam and Jo, you've done very well.
Well done, that's good.
Ooh, look, you've done a whole song.
That's brilliant.
Anyway, £20.
£20?
Am I seriously going to have to give you this?
Well, that's up to you.
I mean, there's quite a few people listening.
But for a radio programme, can I not just make the sound of the...
There's the 20 quays.
Look at that.
It's a new one as well with the big tin foil strip.
You've got much more money in the bank than I do.
How do you know?
I have no money in the bank.
This might be the beginning of the comeback for me.
I've got three children.
What have you got?
You've got a PlayStation.
Well, let me just hold it for a bit.
There you go.
I've got a PlayStation.
I tell you what, will you buy me something with it?
No!
It's a bet and I want it!
I can't believe... The point of bets is you honour them if you enter into them otherwise you're not a gentleman.
I only made the bet as like a funny show-off he came to do for the radio program.
Is it only £20?
Give it back?
No!
If you don't give it back then at least buy me something is what I'm saying.
You can't make demands like this, it's unmanly.
asking you.
I'm not demanding.
Look, let me hold it.
I'll think about it.
Oh, thanks.
Well, that was amazing.
And, of course, you may have seen this in the paper this morning, folks, about the Antiques Roadshow, that the experts there on have valued their first million pound item on the programme.
It says, BBC One viewers will see the incredible valuation tomorrow night on the show
from the sage in Gateshead.
The program makers see about 15,000 items every episode and Philip Mould was the lucky expert who struck gold.
But it doesn't say what the item was, obviously you'll have to find out what that was.
Can we guess what it was?
I mean, what kind of thing?
I would say a bag of a million pound coins.
Yeah.
Million pounds in pound coins.
Yeah.
No, ancient ones.
My dad would be speculating.
He loves the idea of pots of gold in whatever form.
Right.
And he's always fantasising about finding them.
Roman, like an urn full of Roman coins or something like that.
Right.
But I mean, why would you take that on the Antiques Roadshow?
It's got to be a pot or a dish or it's always the ceramics, isn't it?
Something surprising.
It better be something surprising.
Maybe listeners to this programme could speculate.
What would be the address for them to email in?
It's Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk or the text number is 64046.
Yeah, look at that.
It's only taken me a year and a half.
Very nice.
Nicely remembered there.
No bits of paper or anything.
20 pounds.
So if you've got any ideas what maybe...
What if I tear it up?
You could do.
That would be grotesque.
It would be grotesque.
It would teach you a lesson though.
Well, it would make great radio.
What lesson would it teach me?
It would teach me the lesson of not trying to entertain our listeners by making fun bets.
That wasn't the pattern.
wasn't the 20 quid.
Anyway, listen, folks, while we digest all that, here's some Amy Winehouse.
She'd be able to spend the £20 in an interesting and fun way.
Vodas, here's Back to Black.
That was Jenny Lewis there.
Rise with Fists recorded as a hub session for Six Music way back in 2006.
Very nice it was, too.
Although she failed to rhyme the word ankle with Chaz Jankle, which I was upset about.
That's a shame, isn't it?
Well, she's gonna start singing about Chaz Jankle in a second.
Hooray, finally!
And she didn't.
But anyway, that was Jenny Lewis.
Well done, Jenny.
Now, I would like to return you to the world of the MTV European Music Awards, just for a second, if you will.
It was a while ago now.
I mean, it was on the 6th of November.
But I only just saw it last night, in fact, it was on the television.
Have you seen the television?
It's amazing.
Yeah, I have.
I've seen one or two things on it.
It's like a window, right?
Yeah.
You see all these amazing things.
Also, you can use it as a light.
Really?
Yeah, lights up the room.
A disco light.
Exactly, a disco, it depends on what you're watching.
If you're watching a boring, slow-moving program, you can just use it as a regular reading light.
I tend to turn the sound down, turn the brightness up, put some music on and turn the lights off and just dance.
It's a nice idea.
Some coloured lights.
Exactly.
That's a fun... Naked.
That's a...
Yeah, I mean, that's going too far.
But, um, Bono was on the program.
Right.
You know, it's always nice to have Bono.
He looked a tiny bit jaded, I thought.
What, do you mean old?
Well, I mean, he is getting on a little bit now.
I didn't know you could look jaded.
Mmm, sure.
I thought you could have a jaded attitude.
Yes.
But I didn't think it was a physical characteristic.
No, that's all I mean, is the look on his face.
Worn.
A little worn.
I mean, he was physical.
Perhaps he was physically.
I saw him in the flesh two weeks ago.
Did you?
Yeah.
Where was that?
At a big event to celebrate, to give an award to a guy who's the head of Universal Music.
What was his name?
Lucian Grange.
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
And Bono was there.
That's right.
They played, in fact, at this event.
Yeah, well, he would have been more in his element there.
He seemed strangely out of place at the MTV Awards.
He seemed like a bit of a granddad.
And he was there to introduce, um, Sir Paul McCartney.
Right.
Because they were giving a kind of, uh, Lifetime Achievement Award, Legend Award, whatever you want to call it.
And because the whole show was coming from Liverpool, presumably that was one of the reasons that they had secured the services of Sir Macca, right?
But Bono went overboard.
I mean, he usually, you know, he lives overboard anyway, but he found a new place beyond overboard where he went to introduce Macca in, like, the most hyperbolic way I've ever heard in my life.
And you would think that it would be embarrassing, right?
So he's talking about, and this is like a five or six, seven minute introduction about how he's like a godlike genius.
Paul McCartney's a genius.
You know, all of us here in this room, he said, 300 years from now when this hall is gone and none of us exist any longer, none of us will be remembered.
That's something we all fear, he said.
And I could tell people like Kanye West were probably thinking,
Well, speak for yourself, Bonio.
They're all going to be humming my Kanye West tunes in 300 years.
Anyway, Bono decided to say that everyone in that room was going to be forgotten.
Safe bet with Katy Perry, I would think.
Hey.
She kissed a girl.
She liked her.
30 minutes from Mars.
But anyway, that was his assertion.
But he said, Macca, you know, they would still be singing Beatles tunes in 300 years.
Probably fair enough, isn't it?
And then he said to the audience that he'd been riding around that day on his way to the awards with Macca in a car around Liverpool.
And he said, you know, I was driving around tonight with Paul.
He was pointing out where he went to school and the places that inspired his songs.
He said, it was like riding around with the Pope in the Pope Mobile.
silence from the crowd.
Did he expect a laugh?
I don't know what he expected.
People just agreed.
Yes, it was like that.
Well, who, but more important.
Yeah, but who, who, watching the MTV Awards, youngsters and stuff, I mean, it meant very little to me, that statement, but I imagine it would mean even less to your average.
Maybe he means…
crowds that people rushed over to the car and that there were crowds lining the street or something?
Well, I think he meant, like, for a person like Bono, he's a person of faith and for a certain type of person, yes, riding around with the Pope in the Popemobile would be as extraordinary as things get.
Yeah.
But I was thinking, like, for... It's not a speed-based thrill.
No.
That's right, it's not extreme.
No.
It's not like an extreme physical.
And it's got a very big, it hasn't it got a big sort of square viewing gallery at the top, the Pope Mobile?
It used to in the 80s.
Famously?
No, it still does.
Does it?
Yeah, because someone popped a crack in the Pope, like years and years ago, didn't they?
Popped a crack in?
What was that?
You just laid a street slack.
You're making up your own... Come on, Grandad.
Buster Cap.
on something like that.
Pop the crack in.
They popped a bit of crack in my mouth.
They popped a crack in the pope.
They popped a little crack in his mouth.
Someone's trying to pop a crack in the pope.
Yeah look the pope's asleep.
Pop that bit of crack in his mouth.
See what happens.
That's horrible.
That's terrible.
You shouldn't do that.
Don't do that.
I wasn't even thinking about the substance.
I was trying to think of some little guy going up with a little hammer, just tapping him on the little ropes there, exactly, trying to put a crack in him there.
Anyway, that's Bano News for you.
He's a strange man.
And then finally, just before Macca came on, just to conclude, he said, you call him sir, I call him Lord Saint Paul McCartney.
Saint?
Wow.
What's the opposite of scraping the bottom of the barrel?
He's touched the lid of hyperbole.
Yeah, that's right.
He's cracked the roof of the hyper bowl.
Wow.
That's dangerous.
No-one can go any further.
I know, and Macca came out obviously quite embarrassed, I would say.
I mean, I imagine they'd been joking about it in the Pokemobile earlier on.
Right.
Maybe like two legends sort of saying, oh, you know, isn't it awful when people call you saint or whatever.
Then Macca came out and he sort of said, oh, I don't really know what to say.
Thanks for that introduction.
Thanks to John, Paul George.
It's like a Christmas present war between them, because in a couple of weeks, Macca will have to introduce Spano, and he's going to have to rank it up somehow.
So you think it's kind of like a feud.
Yeah.
Now I'd like to introduce someone who's not only a legend, but a real saint, and he's partly holy.
He has magical powers, and it's been proved that he comes from an alien planet where the beings are far more advanced.
Bono!
Exactly.
That kind of thing.
That's what we can look forward to.
Excellent.
Here's some music for you listeners.
This is Toots and the Matiles with Time Tuff.
Hello, the name's Moore.
Roger Moore.
And you are listening to Adam and Joe.
Paul, Joe and Adam.
That's The Cars.
With my best friend's girl.
That was a free play I had for you listeners there.
From an amazing classic album.
Is it just called The Cars, that album?
I don't know.
Anyway, it's good.
And that's a great song.
And I would imagine that that song would feature on the soundtrack to the film of the same name.
Yes.
Which is being advertised everywhere this week.
On telephone boxes.
Right.
And buses and hoardings and sidings and people.
And it's another of those very bad posters for a comedy teen romp.
Yeah, they've started to photoshop any detail out of any face on any film poster.
So people have completely features floating in a white space now.
It was done with Simon Pegg on how to lose friends and alienate people.
He literally looks like a newborn baby in a suit.
Yeah, he's very young looking in real life, but it's taken, they do it to an absurd degree.
And you're right.
Biggs as well, he's just hair, eyes, two nostrils and some lips.
That's what he is to me anyway though, yeah.
Right.
You don't know anything about that film, do you?
You haven't seen it by any chance?
No, I do know one thing, because I'll never see it.
Right.
Never?
No, never.
I hereby swear I will never see it.
Have you not seen the American Pie films?
Naked Mile.
I saw the first one and that was enough.
Yeah.
He's taking her up the aisle.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Really?
Does that mean we're getting old and foggiest?
Perhaps.
Is that old news?
No.
I mean, you know, the country a couple of weeks ago... I'd have said naughty film.
Paroxysms of foggishness, weren't they?
Yeah, that's true.
That's true.
We're part of that bandwagon, the new right-wing crackdown.
Well, you can have your cake and eat it.
There's places.
That's the thing.
It's like I object to swearing in public, right?
Yep.
But I love to swear in private.
Yes, that's a it's a fun thing to do, but I don't like yeah I don't like having it You know being exposed to it like on the tube or whatever There's some guy effing and blinding next to me on the tube Then I am always tempted to turn around and say something I never would because I've got no spine right, but I'm tempted
Right.
Would you ever say something?
Would you ever say something like that to a person?
Swearing right in your face there?
No, not to a stranger.
I would say something if my son was with me.
Yeah, right.
I definitely would.
But on my own, it seems a little prudish, maybe.
But there are standards to be maintained.
Yes.
And I agree with you about Zack and Mirri make a porno.
Is it set in the 70s, that film?
No, no, it's Contempo.
Is it?
Yeah.
But it looks all weird in the 70s, like he's got mad 70s afro.
That's just him.
Yeah, it's just his hair.
He's a nut bucket.
But let's get back to the Biggs movie.
The Biggs movie, what I was thinking is that maybe it was inspired by that track that we just played, by the cars track, My Best Friend's Girl.
I don't know anything about the film, so I might be way off beam.
But I was thinking, I bet you it is inspired by that film, by that song, and I bet that song is on the soundtrack.
And I was thinking about like what other songs could inspire a whole movie.
Song titles, they're a, they're a Trevor Trove for a movie titling, aren't they?
Yeah.
I mean, you would think, wouldn't you?
Just, just like they've got inbuilt brand recognition.
Right.
I'm taking a random look.
at my iTunes library here.
That's a fun thing to do.
We tried it a few weeks ago.
It was fun a few weeks ago.
Why shouldn't it be fun again?
It was disastrous.
But then I was proposing to just play the actual track.
Now I'm just looking at titles.
Again, it's not working out that well, because I'm looking at... Wouldn't you be better off looking at titles of famous songs?
Track 1-8.
Pick one from our playlist.
Okay, how about Elvis Costello?
Well, how about this one?
Crippled Inside by John Lennon.
Not such a good one to pick there.
I'm going to pick another one.
that would be good it can have julia roberts at the bedside sex laws dying young sex laws would be a good one that's good sex laws is good that's already a great movie yeah a guy that uh goes around enforcing sex laws that would be fun imagine the scenes in the bedrooms that he bursts into
Exactly.
Sex part.
Oh my god, you can't do that!
You're under arrest.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Before I arrest you, just carry on for a couple of seconds.
Step away from those thighs.
How about this one?
Oh dear, I'm not doing very well.
Okay, Open Your Heart.
That's a good surgical movie.
Human League.
Yeah, a baton.
A heart search.
Men, you could make a movie out of every single track on the album Dare by the Human League.
Things that dreams are made of.
Open your heart, the sound of the crowd.
Yes.
I mean, they're like movie titles.
This is a bit similar to the Text-a-Nation we did a couple of weeks ago, but this could be a good Text-a-Nation.
Well, I was wondering if listeners out there had better ideas than the ones I'm randomly selecting from iTunes about what song titles would inspire an interesting movie.
If you do have any ideas, then do email us at AdamandJoe.bbc.6music at bbc.co.uk.
Rise.
Adam and Jo.6musicatbbc.com.
Well done.
Thank you.
So yeah, email in if you've got any ideas for song titles that would inspire good movies and tell us what would happen in those movies.
Okay, otherwise you're gonna make a mockery of the whole thing.
People might not register that as a proper texting thing unless we play the Text the Nation jingle.
Well, are we committing to that as Text the Nation?
Well, let's see how it goes.
Let's see what response we get.
Alright then.
Let's play a song and see if we get any response whatsoever.
A couple of songs maybe it'll take.
And then go from there, make up our minds.
Yeah, we're just playing fast and loose.
We just like to wing it here.
Here's Björk with human behaviour.
Very good.
She's adorable.
That's Björk.
Uh, sounds a little reductive and sexist, doesn't it?
Just to- Yeah.
Just cos she's a lady.
Yeah, yeah, but still.
She's also very talented.
She's also very talented and she's a musical genius.
She's adorable though.
She's a terrific cook.
Well done.
Well done, Björk.
Human behaviour.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.
YouTube news.
Yes.
Now, I put a sort of video to my Quantum of Solace song from the Song Wars a few months back on YouTube, and I've been excitedly charting its hit rate.
Set the world on fire.
It's got, it hit the million, no half million, the night before last.
Very exciting.
Did you get featured on YouTube's main page there?
I don't think so.
Where are you getting all your action from then?
I don't know, just word of mouth.
I got mentioned on Ain't It Cool News and quite a lot of Bond fan websites and stuff.
Both our songs did, our Quantum of Solace songs.
But you didn't make no video for yours.
I've got to do it.
I've got to do it because I can't let you just go out there and get half a million hits.
I think I've missed the boat now though.
Yeah, you should do it with another one because it really lifts a song to have something to look at, doesn't it?
Quite a lot of the other Song Wars songs are on there, but just with a weird picture of us.
Yeah.
The six music picture of us.
Yes, those are the ones uploaded by the BBC.
Oh really?
Onto YouTube.
A lot of the time.
Oh really?
Yeah.
I thought it was a fan doing it.
Sometimes it's a fan.
But anyway, what kind of responses are you getting from me?
Well, one of the most fascinating things about having a video on YouTube is the comments you get.
And I know you do this at your bug thing that you do at the BFI, right?
That's right.
If you have a director and you sometimes read him some of the crazier or her some of the crazier comments.
I'll be doing it with Steve Barron a bit later on.
I'll be doing a Q&A with him this afternoon.
because it is fascinating and it's an interesting kind of slice of a snapshot of people out there you know and what they think about things and how their minds are working so obviously under the Quantum of Solace song there's a lot of really gratifying praise
Quite a few Americans who don't understand the term jug ears, trying to figure that out.
Lots of heated discussion over the new direction the franchise has taken and who the best bond is and people getting very angry with each other and swearing and insulting each other.
Certainly.
Then you get quite a lot of just barefaced insults.
Right.
People who have watched it and feel vilified by it, you know, really shocked.
For instance, 28 Hamsters Later says, this is an SH1T theme.
It's like a 70s toilet-duck advert.
Hmm.
They're authorities slightly undercut by the name, don't you think, in a case like that?
28 hamsters later?
Yeah.
And then Travisk08 says, are you sure this is the theme?
Because it sounds a wee bit corny.
You've put the title of your clip is proposed, Bonfy.
Yeah, I've made it look as if it's, I'm a genuine person who's genuinely proposing this song.
Right.
And you know, if you're really thick, you might think,
You know, I was saying that for real.
Yeah, there are a couple of really thick people there.
There are, aren't there?
It's interesting.
Somebody called Clues says, do you ever wake up and think, I've just wasted a week of my life?
No?
Well, you should.
I love those ones.
Hover0909 says, this isn't that good, man.
Sorry.
When I hear this, I see two hairy dudes making out.
To which Mishaboo replies, well it's not hard for you to see that since it happens to you every night.
Nice.
Bit of support from Mishaboo.
Imagine how hover0909 felt about that.
Yeah, in your face.
In your face by Mishaboo.
F4Freddy says, and I don't understand this one, simply great smelling cheese.
I understand you when you came here.
Thanks for us and try won't be long surely.
Ha ha.
That's a special middle of the night one.
Foreign maybe?
Because the internet obviously has this unifying feel to it.
You don't know how old anybody is or where they're from.
But yet you kind of deal with every comment on the same level, or I do.
More insults.
Kai Friedpecker says, this guy's an idiot.
Chika Cheng says, this is BS, writes the whole word.
You know it is BS, though.
Well, it is.
They're right.
Ali W 99 says, really not funny.
If you made this, you wasted your effing time.
Oh, dear.
I know.
But still, he's got time, though, to get online and leave you a little comment.
Well, exactly.
Someone with a name so rude, I can't read it out, says, this wouldn't work for the opening credits.
But it might work off to the closing song when it's about halfway through the closing credits.
Because if it came sooner, that would be too cheesy.
Or it could be used for a television series spinoff.
He stored it all through.
Wow.
A male singer does not suit this movie.
Also, it says Mantitz at the start.
What the hell's that all about?
That's right.
He's got a point.
It would be totally inappropriate for the actual film.
RuneScapeFaceFan says, they've already got a theme.
It's called Another Way to Die and it's sung in a duet by Alicia Keys and Jack White, you ar-tard.
Spelling mistake.
Yeah.
uh someone says i can't stop listening to this fifth time today seriously mate you need to send this into a radio show before i do it's unreal like yeah slightly missing the point as well but my favorite one is uh oh no here's another one caravan in the woods that's a good name isn't it caravan in the woods you've got to expect something nutty to come from someone certainly with that name
Good effort, but really not a serious contender.
You have too much time on your hands if you're putting this type of stuff together.
Try less mocking and concentrate on more constructive work.
That is a very... That's true.
That's something to think about.
That's absolutely true.
Thank you very much, Caravan, in the woods.
And then my favourite one is... Oh, there's a good one.
Bruce Walker 67, Fake.
I've seen the movie and that's not the real song.
Don't be fooled, people!
Right, thanks a lot, Bruce Walker 67.
Fake is a fun thing to put under any clip.
I like going just on random clips and putting so obviously fake.
Under anything, like one with babies or whatever.
So obviously fake.
And my favourite one is from 232none, who says, LOL laugh out loud, this song's poking fun at James Bond.
I like it.
Nice.
That person understands it.
Just before we conclude this discussion, it should be said that you Joe Cornish have gone through removing many of the comments.
Well, just because I'm fogish, I don't like extreme swear words or extreme filth or death threats.
I tend to remove.
As the man in charge of my account, I do.
And now that I've said this, I'll get...
Millions.
Oh, well, let's give you something to do, though.
Well, when I say millions.
That's part of the glorious, multi-coloured world of YouTube.
It is, isn't it?
And a lot of them are under five, you know?
A lot of them are having a very difficult time.
That's the way the kids speak these days.
Exactly.
They love the death threats.
That's how it goes.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Here is Neon Neon.
Gruffrice there with his Neon Neon project that is called Dream Cars.
Here's a message that I got from someone on my YouTube account.
And this is from John Bleasdale, Joe, for both of us, I think.
Although he says, Dear Adam, I live in Italy, brackets, I work in Venice, and I listen to the Adam and Joe podcast every week and I giggle and hoot.
It's nice, isn't it?
It helps a great deal as the Italians don't have a sense of humour.
Oh, steady on.
I'm sure they do.
What about That Man From Life Is Beautiful?
Exactly, Bernini.
I only recently found out that English humour, inverted commas, is a phrase in Italian which actually means not funny.
No.
Whereas I'd previously thought it was just plain descriptive.
I'd heard it a lot over the years and I nodded when I probably should have laid it on.
Laid it on.
Laid on.
Fortunately, I'm going to be very famous soon, on account of my big fat novel, soon to be published soon, uh, which is apparently about the Peterloo massacre.
He's written like a thriller about the, uh, like a historical thriller.
Um, about the- What's the Peterloo massacre?
Come on, get your history sorted, I don't know anything about that.
here it was oh well let's talk about it later it was like there was an uprising when was it I can't remember it was around the time of corn laws and things like that yeah yeah sliding scales there won't be listeners out there who were involved in it I don't think so no wasn't recent wasn't like last week good it was before last week
And he says, in return for all the laughter you guys have given me over the years or so, I'm going to promote you in my second big novel, where all the characters are going to constantly refer to your show and comment on things you've said.
Excellent idea.
Key scenes will involve characters saying, can you turn the radio down?
We really need to talk.
But this is Adam and Jo, comes the reply.
And then violence.
Excellent.
Anyway, just keep things up, really.
I'd like to hear an extract from that.
I mean, he's going to need our permission for that, so I think we should have a sample paragraph section.
I'd like to know that the violence is really strong.
Well, John, do send us, you know, the Peterloo Massacre book and send us some extracts from the second novel featuring references to our show.
We'd really appreciate it and we'll read them out.
Just before the news, here is a bit of music.
This is Beck with the Delightful Sex Laws.
This is Beck with Sex Laws You're Hearing.
Fading out, this is Adam and Joe on BBC6 Music.
It's time for the news and the music news read by Caroline and Victoria.
Text-a-nation.
Text, text, text, text, text-a-nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text-a-nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
It's text the nation time.
Oh no!
My computer just went mental.
The exact moment I said text the nation, it just completely shut down.
Before that, you heard Jurassic 5 with Concrete Schoolyard, but we are deciding that we're going to go with the idea of song titles that could be turned into films for text the nation today, even though it is remarkably similar to a text the nation we did a couple of weeks ago.
It's okay.
People have short memories.
It's fine.
All the partying they've done, the brain cell death.
Exactly.
Or we could just decide that this is what it's going to be like every week.
It's going to be things that you could... Just film title items.
Yeah, exactly.
Thank you.
There we go.
Look, my computer's being brought back to life.
Well, while you're having, while you're regrouping your texts and emails there, Joe, here's a few titles that I picked out, which I thought maybe could be turned into good films.
Yeah.
Uh, here's one from a Huskadoo album.
Broken Home, Broken Heart.
Right.
I mean, that's just generally dis- Soapy.
It sounds soapy, maybe, uh, Julianne Moore in that.
Yeah.
Uh, yeah, it just sounds like a kind of Midwest, you know, uh... Alright then.
Dust Bowl Drama.
He just lay off me.
Well, you're asking for it.
By the way, you sent that pearl of your lip as you said Midwest Dust Bowl.
Typical Buxton, you tiny hairy freak.
Was the implication right?
Yes.
Oh, I've gone too far, haven't I?
How about this gentlemen take Polaroids by Japan.
Oh, that's a good name for a saucy Yeah, that's a kind of sexy European for exactly not much happens in it But there's women in stilettos rainy cobbled streets Japanese men and they tell in all that kind of thing.
It's sexy.
It's slightly disappointing
That's right.
Yeah, nipples, but nothing else.
A little bit like the unbearable lightness of peeing.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, it looked like it was gonna be filthy, but it was just quite French and boring.
Did you ever see the unbearable lightness of peeing?
Of course I did.
My favorite memory of that film was someone standing up in the auditorium and just saying, Unbearable!
and walking out.
Brilliant.
Well, they had a point.
How about this?
I'm a Wonderful Thing Baby by Kid Kirl.
Yes, I love that song.
Well, that would just be about a very overconfident man who thinks he's the business.
And you know what the twist is?
He is.
Could be a good Will Ferrell film.
Yeah, and he's got a kind of, uh, brother or friend who's just a loser and can't stand it.
Right.
I'm a wonderful thing, baby.
Then it ends.
It's a good song.
How about this, uh, song by Lambchop?
The distance from her to there.
Oh, dear me, uh... Nice little pun.
Is it?
from her to there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but well it works in terms of here to there, but what does it mean her to there?
Well, exactly.
From her to there.
I'm glad you picked up on that.
I tell you what, you know those people you see in the street who are measuring for new buildings?
What you call them?
Someone out there will know.
They've got those things on tripods.
Martians.
No, you know architects and they're measuring up.
They've got those weird architects.
Do you know the architects?
Oh, they've got the thing on the tripod.
They've got anybody like Aaron Goof, please.
They've seen screen.
School beef!
Um, architects.
Yeah, architects.
Do you know architect, Adam?
Yeah, I know architects.
Oh, I tell you about architects.
This is becoming a terrible, stereotypical accident.
You know what I mean?
Sure.
Do you?
Yes.
It's about them.
Move on.
Yeah, the guys with their hard hats.
Yeah.
Have you got any from our listeners?
Course I have.
Here are some good ones.
All right, this comes from Natty in Kentish Town.
Is he an architect?
Chicken Payback by the Bees.
Have you heard of that song?
Yeah, that's a good one.
that could inspire a gangster vendetta film sequel to Chicken Run starring Mel Gibson.
Peck Frenzy.
Very nice.
That's good, isn't it?
That's kind of completely signed and sealed.
And you know what, he's got one over on me because some of the songs I suggested wouldn't necessarily make very rockin' theme tunes.
Right.
But Chicken Payback certainly would.
I mean, that's been used a lot on telly anyway, that track.
But very good idea, yeah.
Here's one from Brian Ego from East Kill Bride.
He says, hey Adam and Joe, I think pretty much any heavy metal song title could be made into a horror movie.
For example, take the new Metallica album, Death Magnetic.
That could be about a guy that discreetly inserts magnets in his victims.
I don't know how you discreetly insert a magnet into a victim.
There's got to be a way.
Just distract them.
Yeah.
Then he takes them to the cutlery section in Debenhams, where all the knives fly into them.
That is a very good idea.
Yeah, like the end of the burning.
No, uh, no.
Oh, what's it called?
The one with the smashed up mirror.
Isn't that Carrie?
Doesn't she do some knife throwing?
Yeah, Carrie makes the knives fly around.
Oh, what's the one called weather?
Oh, the mirror smashes up and the shards of it kill everybody.
Oh, it's wicked.
In the belly of an architect.
How about some other ones there?
Okay, yes, here's one from an anonymous texter.
Oh no, it's Karl from Manchester.
His film idea, Human Behaviour.
A woman scientist who studies human behaviour falls in love with an ape on a trip to the zoo after noticing it behaves like a human and tries to liberate said animal.
Bit of a scaled-down King Kong.
I like it.
I mean, that's broadly similar to human nature.
Let me show you.
I think there's a better idea in there.
Sorry to bulldoze you there, but like Godzilla or King Kong, but much smaller and it invades a city, but it's just very small.
Yeah.
Smaller than maybe a man.
They deal with it fairly quickly.
Yeah, exactly.
And then something else happened in the film.
Small Zilla.
Yeah.
Well, Godzookie, wasn't it?
They was the little one?
Well, he was always partnered with Godzilla, wasn't he?
He was a dreadful little person, wasn't he, Godzookie?
He was almost as bad as Scrappy Doo.
Has there ever been a good cartoon progeny of that kind?
I don't think so.
No.
Scrappy Doo.
I hate you, Scrappy Doo.
That's what I would say if I ever saw him wandering around.
I hate you.
Do you have any strong feelings about Scrappy Doo like me?
No, I leave you to wallow in your own bile for a moment, flapping around like a hateful fish.
Oh no, not Scrappy Doo, I hate you!
Here's pulp with babies.
Sounds good, man.
I'll be able to listen to that.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Well, please do.
When did you do that?
Took me ages.
Just now, just during the last record.
And you did all the voices yourself?
Yeah, they're all me.
It's all made up.
That's literally rubbish.
That's actually rubbish.
But it's convincing.
That's my favourite kind of program.
That would be a good new digital channel, don't you think?
Factually rubbish.
Made up facts channel.
Like nothing on there would be... Yeah, it could be super serious and really in-depth.
And we could be the main presenters on that channel.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just talking complete rubbish.
And that would be presumably a good kind of a panel show as well for Dave or one of those channels.
Yeah.
Factually rubbish.
Factually rubbish!
It could have Ruth or Sam on it.
Have you watched that show that Rufus Hound, what's it called, something mental?
No.
But I get jealous when I see big poster campaigns for TV shows.
Because we did four series of The Adam and Jo Show.
We never got so much as a, you know, a tiny little advert in a corner of a newspaper.
We've never been on a poster.
No.
But yet, argumental on Dave gets massive posters everywhere.
It's a big show.
Rufus Hound.
They're putting their mic behind it.
Johnny Vegas.
Brig Stock.
I haven't watched it.
On purpose.
I watched it the other day with John Sargent on a wonderful show.
It's probably very good.
I know, we've never made it on to poster.
On to poster.
Well I made it, my face got onto a Japanese film poster for Stardust.
For Stardust, that's true.
Ah, not the, nowhere near the British one obviously.
But that's the only poster I've ever been on.
It's never gonna happen though, is it?
It's not gonna happen.
It's never gonna happen.
Here's a free choice for you listeners.
This is a track.
This is an instrumental track, right?
How do you feel about instrumentals, Joe?
I like it.
I'm tired of singing it.
Sometimes.
Sometimes you don't want to hear any more words, right?
And this is an eventful and unusual and enjoyable track by the Monochrome set, which is called Puerta Rican Fence Climber.
Wow, that's Adam's free choice.
What a sophisticated choice.
That sounded great.
That's good, man.
Tell me a bit about that band.
The Monochrome set.
You know, I don't know enough about them.
British, as far as I know, they were from the indie scene in the early 80s when indie really was indie.
Sounds quite orange-juicy.
Yeah.
Postcardi.
That's right.
But I don't know that much about those.
Postcardi.
Mm-hmm the label you me.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm as it but not after cardigans after cardigans, right?
Their other big hit was the monochrome set by the monochrome, right?
The monochrome set monochrome set monochrome set Little bit sounds awful.
It's good man.
I've made a sophisticated choice for a free play as well This is a band a British Jamaican reggae band that formed in Duddleston Manor School in Birmingham.
Yeah
The Black Ahura?
No, no, no.
One of the singer's fathers, Frederick Waite, was formerly a member of the Jamaican pop group The Techniques.
Steel Pulse?
No, no, no, no.
Another great reggae band.
They were produced by one of the greatest aristopharian producers, Peter Waterman, in the 80s.
Clint Eastwood and General Saint?
No, no.
It's Musical Youth.
And this is their song, Pass the Touchie.
This is the morning song of the big red tickle.
It is the top of the hour.
That's wonderful.
I got so bored with the last hour and glad it's gone.
Now here's the new one.
It's exciting and it's new.
How do you do?
Sexy.
That's the Kings of Leon with you somebody.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.
And we are right in the middle of text donation.
We're going to be catching up with some of your texts and emails.
A bit later.
Why not do that right now?
No, no, no, we're not.
I was filling while you... Well done, well done, well done.
So last week we were talking to people about... Shouting out Stephen, trying to come up with a sort of verbal Masonic handshake for listeners of the show.
I don't know how many listeners this show gets.
What is it that the station gets half a million listeners generally about?
But there's no knowing whether there's half a million people listening now.
That'd be quite frightening.
Not right now, maybe.
I think we catch up with Listen Again and things like that.
Right.
The podcast, how many people download the podcast?
Well, about 200,000.
No.
Oh, the podcast.
The podcast.
Wow.
So there are, you know, now, how many people are there in the country?
60 million people in Britain is that roundabout, right?
So what percentage of the population is that?
Anyone good at maths out there?
I mean, it's less, much less than 1%, isn't it?
No, it's just over one percent, isn't it?
Is it?
Or someone out there working out works.
Oh no, it's not, of course.
We're no good at maths.
I think it would be a tiny fraction.
It's near one percent.
Yeah.
That's a good word to use, near.
Anyway, so we were wondering if you were a fan of the show and you shouted out Stephen in a crowded social space whether anybody else might reply
yes yeah uh just coming yeah as it was in the famous uh action film franchise steven exclamation mark and we've had one or two uh emails that have come in from people who've attempted to do this uh here's sophie not piglet it's just called sophie i think i don't know why she's put that she says i've got a new she's a teacher i've got a new student in my class called steven he's quite disruptive i'm constantly having to call his name to get him to pay attention every time i shout steven
I can't help but laugh because it sounds just like a clip from your show.
He doesn't get it, which makes it even funnier.
The youngsters.
I mean, what are you doing, youngsters?
You should be listening to that programme.
Joseph Miller, a.k.a.
Joey, has emailed and he says, while at the cinema during the week, I saw your advert come up.
Oh yeah, it's playing before Bond, you know.
Yeah, it's an audio-only advert that comes up before the Bond film and other films, I think, depending on what cinema chain it's in, yeah.
Whilst at the cinema during the week I saw your advert come up, I immediately shouted, Stephen!
In an attempt to suss out fellow Adam and Joe fans.
Imagine my horror when a man two rows back from me replied, yes?
Your plan to unite all your fans may have a slight loophole.
Yeah, people actually called Steve That's not a loophole.
That's that's a like a pinch of spice Exactly an added element because you never know what kind of person so then you have to go up to them I go Oh, did you listen to the Adam and Joshua is your name?
Just Stephen?
We sort of pulls the rug out from under the whole thing a little bit which is fine by me
Well observed there, Joey.
Here's one from Scott Fellows who just says, I tried shouting Steven to no avail.
I love you.
Says Scott Fellows.
Thank you, Scott.
And here's one from Alex Collier.
Hi, Adam and Joe.
I've got a friend called Steven who is now known to me and my girlfriend as Steven.
He's in my mobile phone address book as Steven.
And this is what he gets called every time he calls me or I call him.
He doesn't call me very often.
It's got to the stage now when I was chatting about him to my lecturer at university and absentmindedly referred to him as Stephen in the middle of the conversation with no explanation.
Unfortunately, the lecturer did not reply, coming!
Lots of love, Alex.
So do tell us if you attempt the Stephen thing.
It's got to catch on eventually.
Who wrote that book, The Tipping Point, you know?
Yes.
Which has got to be a tipping point.
Malcolm Gladwell.
Some way off, hasn't there?
No, not with Stephen.
I think it's very unlikely.
Here's the temptations.
That's the temptations.
Why are we playing all these really short songs this week?
Short songs are good.
I'm not getting time to do the texts though.
Ah, right.
Text the nation.
We're gonna have to talk about something else.
Yeah, we are playing a lot of short songs, but they are good though.
I mean, you know, everyone likes a short song.
Can I return you to the world of the MTV Europe Music Awards?
Definitely.
Because, did you hear about the Kanye West thing, right?
No, but I know he's in the country.
He's been doing his, what's it called, glow-in-the-dark tour.
Something like that.
Well, he won, not one, but two awards, I think.
Maybe he just won the one, I'm not sure.
But anyway, he then had a little minor tirade about the fact that he considered the awards to be fixed afterwards, right?
So at the press conference for his show, which is at the O2 Arena on Tuesday, I think, maybe it was last Tuesday, I'm not sure.
He said, he started going on about how he thought the awards were a sham, right?
Because Jared Leto and 30 Seconds to Mars, they won two awards.
What?
They won the award for Best Rock Act, I think, and also the Best Video Award, the Video Star Award, they call it.
And they were up against some videos that were quite a lot better.
than their one.
And they even made the comment to be fair to them.
They even said, wow, this is ridiculous that we won this award compared to the other people there.
Also Katy Perry, she won an award in a category where there were people who you would think might have won over her.
Are you suggesting that they gave the awards to whoever bothered to turn up?
Well, this was what Kanye was saying.
He said, and I quote, although I've changed some of his profanity, I mean Frunglin Jared Leto.
He's my boy, but he should never have won over some of those other artists.
I won nothing last year, and I bought out stronger.
Then this year, just because I was there, I won Best Urban Act, and this was Lil Wayne's year.
Right?
Do you agree with that?
I agree.
It's an important thing that the awards system and it's important that it stays true and uncorrupted.
I love the fact that he's so outraged by the idea that an award ceremony could be somehow not reflective of what actual quality is.
I mean, it's a disgrace.
The standards of the world are totally crumbling when the MTV Awards don't truly reflect who the best artist in any one category might be.
Kanye has a point.
I agree.
He was absolutely furious about it.
But, you know, he still won one of the awards.
What does he want?
And then he was on the news talking about how lonely it is being kind of the voice of a generation.
is that a problem that you have
I don't
brain there.
Well he's got kind of Jennings style imagery hasn't he with the teddy bears and all that kind of business.
Yes that's true.
Soft toy he should be on to us.
I know.
We're in charge of the soft toys.
Kanye, give us a call if you're listening Kanye.
We'll catch up with your texts and emails for text the nation in a second but right now here's Florence in the Machine.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
Text the Nation Time listeners, we've been asking you to suggest... How can we put this?
Films that could come out of the... that could be titled with song titles.
Does that make sense?
Boy, you're really making a meal out of that.
I'm running out of steam.
Just pick song titles that would make good films and then describe to... What would be in the film?
Inspired by... I'm overly relaxed.
Inspired by the film My Best Friend's Girl, which I assumed was inspired by the Cars song of the same name, which we played earlier on in the show.
Right.
So what kind of things are people suggesting?
Ryan Insultford is saying, coming to a theatre near you, how soon is now?
Right, the Smith's track.
A time-travelling teen comedy about a shy teenager who uses time manipulation to try and get a date.
That's nice!
That's very good, it's a straight, it's a sensible idea.
Yeah.
That's actually feasible.
You know, it could have the same kind of feel as a Donnie Darko or something, you know.
Right.
Because I can imagine that track is very atmospheric.
It could be labelled on the DVD box, the new Donnie Darko.
Yeah, this year's Donnie Darko.
And if you could get Ricky Gervais to say that, you've got a double whammy quote for your box there.
The new Donnie Darko, Ricky Gervais.
Wham, wham, double whammy.
Tom in Lancaster suggests Supergrass is Richard III, which is an interesting sort of self-defeating suggestion.
But at the same time, I think he's hoping that younger members of the audience, when they hear Richard III, think Supergrass before they think Shakespeare.
Yeah.
So if you put Danny and Gaz in it and on the poster, you might get some more kids paying attention to Shakespeare.
Plus, it is one of the best songs ever written.
Actually, I failed to read Tom's text, which says a postmodern adaptation of the Shakespeare play in which the king descends into madness after continually suffering derision from his family regarding the cockney rhyming slang take on his name.
Bracket's turd.
Says Tom in Lancaster.
Tom?
That's a good idea, Tom.
Well done.
Emily in Streatham Hill says, how about a film called Man in the Mirror?
Right, the Michael Jackson song with the protagonist being preached at by an insufferable self-righteous version of himself every time he passes a reflective surface, being at a toaster or pond.
The thing is, our hero is actually an okay guy.
Is she talking about Jaco here or the hero of this film?
I think it could be either.
Jaco could be in it.
He's available quite, you know, cheaply at the moment.
Yet to sell Neverland.
I know it's terrible.
How is that?
That's not right.
Last time, last ride on the rollercoaster.
Shaped like my face, everyone.
Is it shaped like his face?
I'm imagining that it must be.
That's a shame.
That's a good idea.
Good idea, though.
Think?
Yeah.
Well done, Emily.
Here's another one.
Love to Burn by Neil Young.
A hard-hitting Mike Lee film about a young fireman that keeps jeopardizing his job through his seemingly uncontrollable pyromania.
He's eventually cured when he meets a young woman who seems to love more than fire.
or does he?
There's a film, one of the worst films ever made, it's called Pyromaniacs, a love story with Kevin Bacon and it's spectacularly bad.
And Kyra Sedgwick.
Amazingly misjudged.
And they start fires, don't they?
And its suit takes itself really seriously and it's trying to be edgy and crazy and the cutting's all crazy and it's trying to be stylistically adventurous.
It's a disaster.
What's up with late night television now and again?
Yeah, whenever it comes on, I just can't believe what I'm watching.
What is this?
It's incredible.
It's weird, isn't it?
Because they're both very talented actors.
Yeah, I'm sure one day we'll make a film like that.
I can't wait.
It's supposed to be good, but it's a completely misguided disaster.
It's actually a disgrace.
Overreach is grotesquely.
So there we go, keep those coming in, we'll maybe visit Texanation once more before the end of the show.
Now here's a track, this is a free play for you listeners, one of Frank Zappa's drummers, the original drummer from the Mothers of Invention, Jimmy Carl Black, died earlier this week.
So this is a little tribute to Jimmy Carl, and it's a track called Status Back Baby.
North American scum by LCD sound system, young Americans the world over are quite excited about the prospect of no longer being figures of hate and, you know, being refiled by the rest of the world, now that they've got Barrack in charge of the whole shooting match, as it were.
Uh, Katy Perry was wearing her Obama shirt, uh, dress, rather, at the MTV Awards.
An Obama dress?
Yeah.
It was big.
What does that look like?
It was, uh, yellow, it had sequins, and it employed sequins to describe the face of the new leader.
On the front?
On the front, yep, yep, yep.
On the tummy area?
Uh, right over her breast hole and tummy zone.
Right.
And on the back, there was some writing I couldn't, uh, make out what it said.
Right.
And 30 seconds from Mars, we're wearing Obama t-shirts as well.
Right.
So, and they, I think she said at one point, it's so great that you guys voted for Obama, or that we voted for Obama.
Now people won't hate us anymore.
And I was thinking, don't get ahead of yourself, Kate.
Well, you're not ready to stop the hate.
You're holding your hate in reserve.
Well, I'm going to keep hating you for parts of it and you change your behavior.
Scrappy-doo!
You're insane, I hate you!
Last time we threw to the news I got one of the news readers' names wrong and I do apologise, I said Caroline and Victoria.
You idiot.
Awful.
Uh, so this time I'm gonna do it right.
And I tell you what, I'm gonna jab myself in the thigh as a punishment with this baro.
With this baro.
Ow.
Ooh, look at that, he's doing it.
That did actually hurt.
Yeah, I bet.
I liked it.
Uh, here's Claire and Victoria reading the news.
That's, uh, the Pet Shop Boys with... What's that called?
West End Girls.
Yeah, I've forgotten it so long ago.
Um, here, let's listen to that Fiona Bruce clip again.
Can we please?
Hi, I'm Fiona Bruce, and I'm a presenter of the news and the Antiques Rocha, and I heard your songs.
And I thought they were brilliant, especially the reference to Holly Hawks in the Antiques Roadshow one.
Who knows?
could have a new Christmas hit.
An unexpected Christmas hit on her hands.
I think they're great.
Well done.
The way she laughs when she says hit makes it so clear she knows there isn't a Snowballs chance in hell of us ever having a hit.
Obviously.
She liked the Hollyhocks though.
She liked the Hollyhocks reference.
She just liked the Flowers Hollyhocks, do you think?
Well, I think maybe... is it... where did you get the idea for...?
Because it rhymed with Albert Docks.
Right.
Whatever the next lame rhyme was.
It does seem to be a kind of a, um, typically antiques roadshow type type of a flower.
Yes.
She's older than us, Bruce, you know.
Mmm.
She was 64.
It's very, uh, vulgar to talk about a woman's age.
A lady's age.
I know, but I'm amazed is the thing, because she's so attractive and well-preserved and sexy.
She is very sexy and intelligent.
She's a sexy woman.
When she, at the beginning of Antiques Roadshow, they now do a little sort of VT package about the location where they're in.
Like they were in Leeds Castle the other week.
And she sort of wonders, she drifts through the halls like a beautiful leaf being blown by the wind.
She certainly is.
And she leans against various polished tables.
Lucky tables.
and tells you about the history.
I don't know why I'm telling you this.
Well, to turn me on.
I'm just thinking about it.
Oh, does she actually still read the news on the TV?
Sure she does.
She outrages my dad every time she does so.
Why?
Because according to my dad, she puts too much emotion into it.
Too much emotion?
He likes the news to be cold and emotionless.
Exactly, yeah.
Right, like if it was read by a robot Nazi, that's what he was like.
Now you're making a little leap there.
Just a little one.
Little hop.
To the left.
To the right.
You know Adam, I think the news would be a lot better.
If it was read by some kind of mechanical Nazi, that would really cheer me up.
Why can't the BBC spend some money?
And your argument is?
He doesn't listen.
Listen.
It's not like your father's not a Nazi.
No, he doesn't even like robot Nazis.
He doesn't even like the Nazis.
Listen, what about this £20 note?
Shall I give it... But what do you think, listeners?
Shall I give Adam Back his £20?
We found out, though, that there was not exactly cajoling from our producer.
Well, you... Right, carry on.
But a member of the Antiques Roadshow team was aware of the songs, right?
But it took a little cajoling to get Fiona Bruce to record that.
Our producer, James, went to Fiona Bruce, and she was very happy to record that, but she was asked to record it.
Yeah.
So I think you should have your 20 back.
No, listen.
Go on.
Buy something for the kids.
Okay, thanks.
Give it to Pudsey.
No, no.
You know what?
I am going to give it to Pudsey.
Give it to Pudsey.
Let's both give it to Pudsey.
Take that, how much did they give?
A quarter of a million.
How much did we give?
£20.
That's a quarter of our personal fortunes combined.
Exactly.
We did get an email from a gentleman called Rob Sandon.
He says, first off, well done on Song Wars last week.
I'm emailing you to let you know that Adam was wrong.
about no one connected with the Antiques Roadshow listening to your show.
My dad is one of the ceramics and glass experts on the Roadshow and he loved Joe's song last week.
He also enjoyed some of the previous song wars that I've played to him.
I often have your show on in the morning whilst making breakfast and I think it's safe to say that he enjoys what he hears of it.
Well there you have it.
And of course that would be Henry Sandin who's the ceramics expert on Antiques Roadshow.
Good one.
So I give it back.
Pudsy, you're not having the 20, I want it back.
Are you seriously taking that?
No, Pudsy can have it.
As long as it does go to Pudsy.
Your children are in need though, aren't they?
Yes.
Of new toys.
No, let's give it to Pudsy.
I'm handing it over to our producer James.
Will you make sure it gets to Pudsy?
If you don't, I mean, you'll get more than fired.
You will get burned at the stake in the big British castle.
We'll do some more Texanations in a moment, after some music.
Here is, oh yes, now this is one of the tracks that Richard Ioware, they did a very good video for.
Cape Cod Kwasa Kwasa, he did kind of a John Hughes tribute video.
Do you know what I mean?
Like an 80s style video for Vampire Weekend.
That's a little Antiques Roadshow type hops, a chord action there.
It was at the end of Cape Cod Quasiquasa by Vampire Weekend.
Joe, do you have any strong feelings, one way or the other, about the horrible advert?
You're prejudicing my feelings slightly.
I'm spinning the question a little bit, aren't I?
The horrible advert with the chocolate man.
wandering around.
Oh, that hasn't been on for a while though, has it?
That's for a deodorant or something peculiar.
It's like if you put the deodorant on, you're as delicious as chocolate.
Irresistible as chocolate, yes.
Now you've got a general problem with sort of sludgy fluids in adverts.
Right, people getting messy.
Oh, that's true.
Yeah, like the woman who eats cornflakes out of the man's hood.
No, I don't like that one.
And the one with the lady sat in the car and she's so ravenous for the flakes that she just pours the milk and everything.
There was a spate of them last year or a couple of years ago.
Gah, horrible.
The worst one was, there was one I think for some instant soup drink where they were making cocktails out of the instant soup.
Right, I remember.
Oh, no, they were giving it to runners, weren't they, in a marathon?
That was another one.
And the runners were just splashing super over.
Splashing all over their... Ugh, horrible.
But this one's a bit like that, isn't it?
Well, it's similarly revolting, but it goes a step further by creating this man entirely from chocolate, and he's got an insane fixed grin on his face, you know.
Like every other part of his body is mobile and he can use it normally but his face for some reason is just fixed in this horrible rictus, you know, grinning rictus.
And he wanders around and at one point he breaks off his nose and he sprinkles the chocolaty nose over the ice creams of two women who then eat it.
They like it.
Someone runs past, they bust his arm off, they pull his whole limb off and, you know, he wobbles around a little bit, he doesn't mind about it.
And then later when he's on the bus, a lady bites a chunk of his buttocks off and she's then pictured looking sheepish with chocolate all over her face.
I mean, it's got to be one of the most offensive ads.
Why is it offensive?
Well, because, you know, it's offensive to see a person dismembered and then eaten.
And the thing is that they've asked me, and you might say that I'm taking this too seriously, right?
But I'm not.
I was lucky I didn't say that.
Exactly.
Because what they're asking us to do in the ad is to invest in the notion that this is a real person made of chocolate, right?
And they've convincingly put across that notion, right, to the extent that I do believe it.
And then to see that person dismembered, not only that, but ripping parts of his own body off and feeding them to people,
There's a there's there's a hollowness and shallowness to everyone involved because the man's hollow.
Is he?
He's not.
Solid chocolate.
Is he?
Yeah.
That's the other thing.
You'd expect a person like that to be hollow.
Yeah.
Well, they usually are, aren't they?
Chocolate Santas.
They're hollow.
Certainly.
Because when you break the nose off, the bits go inside and rattle around.
Otherwise it's not economically viable.
Yeah, you can have a solid chocolate or something like that.
This guy is solid chocolate and he's being dismembered and eaten for our pleasure.
It's patronising to women as well.
Very patronising.
Like they go crazy for chocolate because they like chocolates.
Right.
More than men.
Can that really work?
I actually use that brand of deodorant but different flavours.
Really?
What brand is it?
Don't say it.
It's the one named after the... We name lots of brands.
Go on then.
Links.
Links is for teenagers.
Not the roll-on.
Stinks, they call it.
It's wicked.
It's for jazz.
It's wiggle-waggles.
I like it.
Personally, there are many other deodorants available, but one of the Lynx brands smells like chocolate, apparently, because women are so enamored by chocolate.
Right.
Then, as you said, they would find you irresistible like a big chocolate man.
Maybe it works.
But if you were wearing it, why wouldn't you just get a Mars bar and use that as a roll-on?
Well, exactly.
Get one of those big, chunky, family-sized Mars bars.
And then a woman would be within her rights to lick it off you.
Exactly.
Like a bit of fun food fun.
You know, that's fine, but why would they be attractive?
So if you were wearing the deodorant and it was really doing its job, would you expect women to come up and, like, bite your nails off and just eat your bogeys and things?
That's what I'm going to do tonight.
I'm going to rub chocolate in my armpits and sprinkle some cocoa powder, dust myself with it instead of aftershave, have a smarty necklace.
And the women are going to be all over me.
Sounds like filthy slang, doesn't it?
Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest.
Thank you very much for sharing.
Here's some more music now, listeners.
This is Feist with my moon man.
Who was that then?
Feist, a lady from the iPod ad.
Okay, we're going to do some tax donations very quickly as well, nearly at the end of the show.
You were to explain it again, because I can't do it.
We were asking you for song titles that would make good films, and we were asking you what those films might be like.
Dan Roberts suggests Orinoco Flow, a gang of Wombles are forced to learn how to street dance in order to save their set.
Very nice.
Yeah.
Uh, Jenny Penny.
Uh, Franz Ferdinand with Well That Was Easy.
The world is in peril with global warming, war, famine and disease.
The three children set out to solve the problems.
They find a button in the woods.
They press it.
Everything is solved.
That's a short film, though.
Yeah, it's good, though.
Yeah.
Anthony Brown, everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey by the Beatles.
Good idea.
A movie about an openly gay monkey and its gay owner both battling the prejudices of living in a frosty daily male-reading neighbourhood, monkey perhaps flamboyantly gay and big and into waistcoats, later available as plush toy, think of the cash, begins to star as keeper or monkey, haven't decided yet.
Who's that from?
That's brilliant.
Anthony Brown.
Some of these are really good.
Oh, he's kind of running out of time on it.
Tom and Julie in Amsterdam suggest the more you ignore me the closer I get by Morrissey creepy film big mouth strikes again follow up to the film big mouth starring Sara Bernhardt where the unlikely Bernhardt where the unlikely female comedian gets into a number of scrapes catching things in her gigantic mouth with humorous consequences says
This Smith's titles are good for this.
A friendly blob is a good idea.
Anything by Sufjan Stevens would work.
How about, quote, they are night zombies, they are neighbours, they've come back from the dead, R, which is the title of one of his tracks.
It could be about the cast of an Australian soap, returning from the dead, wreaking havoc on the cast of their rival Aussie soaps, Home and Away, Heartbreak High and Shortland Street.
Dear God the Humanity, Sarah, drinking tea.
Very good.
Thank you very much to everyone who would like to email us about that.
There were lots more.
Sorry we didn't have time to read them out.
We fudged it.
Sometimes text-to-nation gets away from you a little bit, you know?
It's just one of those things.
But thanks to everyone who's emailed and texted today, if you're listening to this show again and nothing for you to interact with, actually.
Interwac.
Are you awkward, actually?
Yes.
Here we go home and go to sleep.
Hey folks, do stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.
If you're coming along to the BFI Southbank later on for the screening of Steve Barron's film Choke.
Steve!
That's a good idea.
Someone could shout out Steven for Steve Barron.
I'll let you know if that happens.
Screening starts at 3.50 if you want to come along.
Don't forget you can listen to this show again via the iPlayer or listen again on the website and there'll be a podcast of the highlights available from about 5pm tonight.
We'll be back same time next week.
Until then, here's Soft Cell and goodbye.
No, no, no.
It's Double Barrel by Dave and Ansel Collins because Soft Cell was too long.
We'll play that another time.
Have a good week.
Bye.