Good morning!
My name is Björk.
Oh, that's your Bjork impression?
Yes!
I am confused!
What kind of Bjork impression is that?
I don't know.
It's an early morning one.
She's more like a kind of a pixi-citor.
Like that.
That was yours was with him as a man.
Hello, my name is Björk.
She's like a little pixie robot from Iceland.
That's like Björg.
That's very insulting to all the people of Iceland who have their own distinctive accent.
You can't really do accents per se these days, can you?
They are of a peace racist.
You reckon?
Yeah.
It's all racist.
That's why when they remake Wallander, the famous European detective show with Kenneth Branagh, what country is he from?
What are you talking about?
Holland?
Wallander?
Come on, it's the new sensation.
Wallander from Holland?
Yeah, I don't think he's from Holland.
He's from... ...Swissland or something.
Swaziland?
No, uh, somewhere in Europe.
He's the new Dr. Morse, Inspector Morse.
And he does a good accent, does he?
No, the whole series is set abroad in somewhere like Switzerland or Holland, but they all talk in English.
Right, exactly.
Yeah.
And he's playing a Swiss man.
Yeah, with Swiss friends.
He's not Swiss, I think I'm wrong about Swiss, but somewhere around that general area, I didn't watch at all.
Good facts, we got mad.
Thanks, thanks, thanks.
We're off to a good start.
We're straight in there armed with all the facts.
But they just talk English.
Right.
Uh, which seems weird.
That's the way to go sometimes with accents.
Do you think?
I think so, yeah.
You just locate it, you know, I mean, Tom Cruise, he's not going German in, uh, Valkyrie, is he?
Isn't he?
No.
Not even a little accent.
Not even a little.
You see, that's gonna confuse me.
I want Germans to speak like this.
Well, so do I. I agree with you.
Absolutely.
You know, funnily enough, I've got some clips to play you a little bit later on, which pertains exactly to this.
Really?
They can't just come in and go, hello, mate.
I'm German.
I know.
But the German accent like this, that is considered quite racist.
Well, this is my initial point at the beginning of this very rambly link.
Well, you're right about the rambly link and also about the racism of the accent.
Accents are now racist.
They cannot be done anymore.
Now you are racist now.
You are racist.
You are more racist than me?
Look at you in your tight trousers.
Let's dance.
Ooh, we shall dance while this next song plays.
The Stone Roses.
Waterfall.
She's a waterfall.
Yes, she is a waterfall.
That's inconvenient though, isn't it?
Don't go chasing her.
I mean, she's just gonna leave a trail of dampness and destruction everywhere she goes, isn't she?
Yes.
That's very bad.
Sorry.
I wouldn't invite her round.
Hey listen, we've forgotten the basics so far in our links to say good morning listeners.
Where Adam and Joe?
I'm Joe.
I'm Adam.
And welcome to BBC Six Music on a Saturday morning if you've just tuned in.
Quite a miserable Saturday morning.
It could be the end of the world.
Certainly in southern England there are flood warnings all over the place.
You're advised if you're in bed at the moment just stay there.
Absolutely stay there.
I wish I could have stayed there.
Credit crunch Christmas, you don't need to buy any presents.
We've established that.
Not even to support the economy.
Find other ways of supporting the economy.
Get yourself a hot toddy or a hot dobby.
If you've got a dobby to hand.
Bad dobby, not a dobby.
Move over there, dobby.
My thighs are cold.
And baton down the hatches.
Baton.
You see, that's another possible egg corn for me.
Oh really, batter down the hatches you said?
Yeah, pour batter down the hatches.
I thought it was a medieval war method.
Right.
Pour some batter down them hatches.
I've got batter on over me!
Oh my god!
That's a joke for the under sevens.
That's a good joke.
Thanks mate.
I'm under seven, mentally.
So, yeah, we're very happy to be here, folks.
Hope you stick with us until 12 o'clock.
We have the resolution of Song Wars coming up in the next hour.
We did songs last week about national treasures, figures of absolute love.
I did Stephen Fry.
I did Joanne Alumni.
And we got sent an email during the week saying that there is a website about national treasures where they list these people.
Oh, yeah.
Fry is very much on there, Lumley apparently isn't on there, hasn't been nominated, not a lot of interest in Fry.
Disgrace.
I'm not sure she's a disgrace.
No, no, it's a disgrace that.
It is a disgrace.
I dare you call her a disgrace.
I'm on Wade in there calling her a disgrace.
What's your problem?
She's lovely, I agree with you.
Maybe people think, you know, they're confusing her with her part in Absolutely Fabulous.
Right.
And think she's a sort of disgrace.
Your song about her was unironically, you know, affectionate.
Yeah, I decided to just be fairly straightforward about it.
And I think a lot of our listeners, though, thought that you were taking out of all the Michael out of it.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, that's a good get-out clause, isn't it?
Right, right.
Maybe I would.
For life.
Exactly.
Yeah.
But you said... Just before I die, my final words will be, only joking, that was just ironic.
You said last week though, after we played our songs, you said, oh Adam, it looks as if you're doing quite well initially, but then Ben sent through some emails during the week, our producer Ben, that did not indicate that I was doing well at all though, as people saying, Joe's song was brilliant, Adam's was really annoying.
That was quite absurd.
Really?
Annoying.
I didn't see that one.
I would have liked to read that one.
It was more than one.
You could have given me a midweek pick me up.
It was more than one.
No, I mean, annoying is the worst thing to be, though, isn't it?
Well, listen, we should say to the listeners that we are getting, because we're getting quite a lot of emails.
And our emails are beautifully written, generally, wouldn't you say?
The people who write into us.
Yeah, they're articulate.
They're properly structured letters.
They've got full stops.
Maybe we should encourage handwritten letters in ink pen.
Don't you think?
That would be even more elegant.
And then we could certainly guarantee to read those ones as long as they weren't obscene or even boring.
But as a result, we do read all the every single email we get.
That's why we're getting them in during the week sent to our homes because we don't have time to read them during the show.
And now I forgot what I was talking about.
So I'm just going to have a little bit of a nap.
That's fair enough.
Yeah, but the only problem with the whole situation is that I get to read how annoying my song is.
Anyway, you'll find out for yourself later on when we announce who the winner of Song Wars is going to be.
It should be quite a tight race this week, I would think.
And of course, later on we have Text to Nation and some more great music to play.
Is it my free choice now, Ben?
This is a little bit of an M.O.R.
smash for you right now.
I heard this song first when I was about nine years old and I was on an aeroplane and I was flicking through the stations on the aeroplane there.
The Muppets?
And it's not the Muppets, no.
And this is back in the day when on aeroplanes you had those headphones that were just tubes of plastic.
Like a stethoscope.
Yeah.
And you would plug in your tube of plastic and the music was coming out of the actual armrest.
And if you didn't, if you couldn't afford the tubes of plastic, you could just lean down and listen through the holes in the armrest.
I mean, that sounds anti-deluvian, doesn't it?
But it's real!
It happened!
And this was one of the songs that really stuck out when I was flicking around the channels on British Airways back in the day.
Bee Gees!
And How Deep Is Your Love?
Couple of little skips in there.
That's my old copy of the Saturday Night Fever CD there.
It's a little bit scratched up, so apologies for that.
Do you enjoy the take that cover of that song?
No.
Even though it's pretty much identical.
Yeah, no, not having it.
Why not?
Because it's created in the spirit of something yucky and post.
You know what I'm saying?
What?
It's a sort of unnecessary cash-in.
Yeah, I mean it matters to me what the spirit of the original recording was, and with the Bee Gees, that was proper.
But anything that take that are doing is somehow revolting.
Hey, really?
Yeah, yeah.
I would say they are close to becoming national treasures.
I know, it's gotta stop.
I don't think so, I like them.
Do you like them?
Yeah, I like them.
Did you buy me Gary Barlow's biography for Christmas or are you giving something away?
We are.
That's a little teaser for next week's pre-record.
A Christmas show Adam gave me.
We give each other presents on the Christmas show and how many in the show altogether?
Six.
Yeah, three each we get.
So I've given one of them away, but I read it.
Did you?
Yeah, and it made me really like him.
right because they have a proper comeback story now i mean he really did hit proper lows and he's a good songwriter barlow whether you like what he writes or not he's a talented individual yeah i find him very sympathetic right and the book really sold him to me you know he was locked in his house smoking jazz cigarettes non-stop very depressed for a year or so tortured by images of williams and
Yeah, of Robbie Williams being horrible to him.
And it's somehow comforting for everybody in the world who might feel, you know, they're on a bit of a downward curve that things can turn around.
And you might get some kind of TV special.
Exactly.
An amazing sort of promotional TV special.
And be in a super duper advert.
Yeah.
And just be sort of cuddly and a national treasure.
And if you're Mark Owen, get to sing one of your really quite bad songs almost solo.
Really, did he?
I didn't see that TV special.
Did you not?
Did he see the Green Man?
No, I don't know if it was one of his solo ones.
I'm not sufficiently familiar with the... That was my Mark Owen impression.
That's very good.
That's a bit cruel, isn't it?
No, you know, I mean, I don't mean to be unnecessarily horrible about Take That, but I mean, it's hard to get excited about the music though, isn't it?
Yeah, but it's quite easy to get excited about there.
About the personalities.
The chummy grins.
Well, that's OK.
Fair enough.
I wish them well.
And it is nice.
It certainly is nice to see them bounce back and have a bit of success.
And to see Williams with his tail between his legs coming back and, you know, wanting to be in the band again.
Does he want to be in the band again?
Does he really?
Well, that is an amazing turn up for the books, isn't it?
Yeah, there's hope for everybody.
After the arrogant years.
Yeah.
Well, there you go.
Okay, it's time for an exciting Christmas trail now, listeners.
Check this out.
Darlene Love with Marshmello World.
Again, a revolting and impractical way of looking at the world.
It would just be appalling and sticky.
You could toast it over a hot fire, though.
That would be nice.
You could toast it.
Yeah, you could toast.
You could just take a flamethrower to the couch.
Maybe the world is being toasted over a flame, though.
Thanks, Elgore.
Global warming.
Thanks very much.
Nice point, Joe.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
You know, there's a little thing.
What's it called?
The text scroll.
Yeah.
If you're listening to this show on a digital radio or on a radio with a kind of readout thing, they scroll information about the show in letters like a ticker tape panel across your radio.
And we've been quite taken aback by the bit of text that someone at the BBC has chosen to use to describe this show that apparently rolls across people's radio screens.
It says what?
What does it say?
It says something like music and idiotic chat.
idiotic chat like what's the deal with that maybe the person that wrote it was being affectionate right and and thought oh well you know I mean we admit ourselves that there are I don't there's nothing idiotic about my chat yeah but sometimes we admit though we have shortcomings as DJ's every now and again but you know to have someone else say that is a different thing
And then to put it on the text scroll.
To have the company you work for.
Describe it as that.
It's a little bit insulting.
We thought our chat was quite good sometimes.
Sometimes.
You know what I mean?
They just hired us unknowingly because we're idiots.
That's all they think of us.
They may as well just put, it's monkey time with two monkeys that we hide from the zoo.
Two moronic monkeys that we've chosen to, we've taught them to speak.
They can't speak that well, but they do it for about three hours with music in between.
So we've changed it.
This is what we're gonna have instead.
What are we gonna have?
Uh, is that, well, our producer Ben has just said that we can, we can change it.
We're capable of changing it.
Really?
Who, did you change that?
Well, apparently it says Dr. Buckles and Dr. Sexy sort you out on a Saturday morning.
That just sounds revolting.
Yeah, that does sound dirty.
Doesn't it?
That's the other extreme.
So that's actually what's up there now, so they have changed it.
So do they change it every week then?
Who changes it?
Who's responsible for this?
Well, listen, we're gonna change it.
We could even get suggestions from people as to what it should read.
Our idea is to change it to fascinating and informed pop cultural overview from attractive geniuses.
What do you think about that, listeners?
I think that's more accurate.
How many words do you think it needs to be, Ben?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Sort of ten words.
That's on the long side, certainly.
If you could, if you listeners could think up the pithiest, you know, if you could think of a three-word description of the show that would just really knock people's socks off.
That is asking for trouble, isn't it?
Can't be rude.
No, obviously it can't be rude or insulting.
That's the whole thing we're trying to avoid.
Now, here's some music to take us up to the news.
This is a bit of Bon Iver with restacks.
Bon Iver.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music on a Saturday morning.
It's 9.30.
It's time for the news.
It's time for song wars, the war of the songs A couple of tunes by a couple of prongs Which will you vote for?
Which one is the best?
We're putting our songs to the listener test So check it out
Yes, listeners, it's Song Wars time here on The Adam and Jo Show on BBC Six Music.
Last week, we recorded and wrote, if you can describe it as writing.
Well, my song was actually based on a Gary Newman tune.
Right.
Two songs we wrote based on national treasures, people, personalities who the nation should take to their hearts forever.
Yes, exactly.
I did a song about Stephen Fry in the style of early Numenoid.
And I did a style, a what?
A song about Joanna Lumley in the style of a kind of really weedy man.
You can take convenience styles.
Yeah, I'm worried that my song stepped over some kind of invisible weediness line.
Right.
Do you know what I mean?
You should never be afraid to step over the weedy line.
Really?
No.
Okay, and so apparently Ben our producer says that it's the closest song wars ever ever two votes in it or something Which means that like if any if anything's come through recently that wouldn't have been counted Well four votes have come through right since the show began two for you and two for me Keeping it level pegging How many votes then are there in the in the between the winner and the loser without giving away who has lost or won?
Yes
Literally.
Just a couple, literally two.
Wow.
We could find out who those people are and publish their names on police websites so that vigilantes could get them.
Yeah.
It's the kind of thing people like to do these days, right?
Yes.
Hanging Chads.
Honestly, it's all, that's what it's come down to in song wars.
Wow.
We've got it in a BBC window envelope.
That's impressive.
That's a new thing.
And it's all printed song through the window.
Open up, Joe's opening the envelope.
Sound effects.
The winner, of course, will get their song played on national digital radio.
Oh, well there's a surprise.
Cornballs takes it!
Cornballs takes it by... By 2%!
51% to 49.
Well, there's gonna be a lot of angry listeners.
And listen, I even got a response, though, from Fry.
Wow.
Did you get any Lumley action?
I'm not sure.
Should we get into that after we've heard the song?
Maybe.
Let's hear the song and then get into any kind of response we've got.
This is La La La Lumley.
For 55 years of my life, I've dreamt about seeing the Northern Lights.
She was born in Kashmir in 1946.
Her father was a major in the Gurkha Rifles.
When she was a little girl, she had a picture book.
With a drawing of the Northern Lights, she wished she'd one day see that sight.
She applied for Rada, but she did not get in.
They said she'd never be a model too ugly and nothing.
But she ignored the scorn they poured, confounded her detractors Five years later, she was Britain's most intimate model and actress La la la la la, la la la la la la la This is the journey I've always been trapped in making As a party in the new Avengers, she'd kill you with her heel An alien with psychic powers and sapphire and steel
But in her mind she did still find her unspoken ambition To see the northern lights before she died was still her mission
My only dread is that we won't get to see her.
Something's happening.
Thank you.
I think I can die happy now.
That's La La La Lumbly.
And in case you weren't listening last week, that is a sort of description of the documentary she made when she went to see the Northern Lights, which was a childhood dream of hers.
So no Lumbly response that you got there?
As far as I know, no Lumbly response, right?
She's probably off filming.
She's filming.
She is off filming, right.
Have you attempted to approach her agent?
You've been trying to find her.
You've got physically out and about on a little sort of... Scooter.
Scooty tooty.
Tooting and scooty.
Well done.
But that's... Thank you for the two people.
JWANA!
Has anyone seen JWANA Lovely?
That's what Ben's been doing this week on his scooter.
On Stephen Fry's Twitter site, Twitter is another social networking site, right?
It's more like an RSS feed.
What's that?
It's sort of just... Like a blog?
Yeah, even more minimal than a blog, it kind of sends you... It's a bit like the status update on Facebook, where you type in how you're feeling at that particular moment.
But I think, as far as I know, you sort of have it open in a window on your desktop and all during the day little messages are coming through from everyone on your network.
What a nightmare.
I know.
Why would Stephen Fry, a man who you would assume would be incredibly busy,
Wanna get involved with that?
Because it gives him a sense of connection.
Okay.
Sense of fellowship.
Anyway, here he is on Twitter saying, I have now heard the Adam and Jo song.
Thanks to all of you who gleefully pointed me to it.
Very charming, silly and sweet.
Just like Adam and Jo.
Hey!
How exciting to get a written message from Stephen Fry, but wouldn't it be more exciting if we had a spoken one?
Yes, of course what happened was that I forgot to press star and then hash.
This isn't the normal answer phone you seem to have in your office.
It's a particular one and I left a long message and for all I know it's disappeared and not been saved because I haven't left star and hash.
So just to reiterate, this is Stephen Fry thanking you very much for your wonderful song which touched me more deeply than I can possibly communicate to you and I'm really, I'm not going to be the same person again.
Thank you.
You expended luscious and extraordinary talent on me, and I don't feel at least a bit worthy.
Joanna Lumley, on the other hand, was very, very worthy.
But on the other hand, she didn't have the extraordinary extra compliment of being played by a garrisoning human impersonator, so that was really something.
I'm very, very touched.
Thank you, and I'm sorry if the line isn't very good.
I'm in New York City, and we're a long way away.
All the very best and happy Christmas to you and everybody.
Now, I'm going to not put the phone down.
Let's start and hash and see what happens.
One will happen.
And she will lose.
That's like a little bit from his podcast.
Wow.
That's amazing.
Thank you very much, Stephen Fry.
I didn't know that.
When did that come through?
When did that come through, Ben?
Last night.
Good one!
That's pretty good, isn't it?
It's nice to be described as a Gareth Newman impersonator.
Gareth Newman, I know!
I think Stephen thinks that's what you do professionally.
Yeah.
You're a professional Gareth Newman impersonator who's been bought in to write that song.
You know, that's fair enough.
It is fair enough.
Thank you very much, Stephen, and thanks to everyone who voted for Song Wars this week.
We are on a bit of a Song Wars sabbatical over the Christmas period.
Yeah, but we'll be back in the new year with Song Wars, early in the new year, and I think we need to do something really stupid.
You reckon?
Yeah, just stupid.
Well, just stupid.
Okay.
Really silly and idiotic and stupid in terms of choosing a theme.
So please help us.
If you can think of an idea for a theme for Song Wars, email us Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
Every single suggestion will be read and carefully considered.
Yes.
So what should we sing about for the first Song Wars of 2009?
If you can provide us with a musical style and also, ideally, you would give us a kind of raison d'etre for the lyrics, beyond the theme, wouldn't you say?
It's always helpful.
The more rules, the better.
The easier it can be, the better.
Exactly.
Let's have some music now, some real music, and this is De La Soul, and... Is it?
Or is it my free play?
No, I think it's De La... Oh, sorry, sorry, was it gonna be Joe's?
It's exciting, isn't it?
We're so disorganized.
It's the Pixies, not even!
And this is Debasa.
Oh, that doesn't get any, any worse, that song.
It's amazing.
Just gets better.
The Pixies with Debasa.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
I'm still fluttering with pleasure from hearing Stephen Fry talk all fruity about us.
It was wonderful from New York.
Anyway, now Joe, did you see the comedy awards last weekend by any chance?
You know what?
I missed most of them, but I saw the very end.
I saw a slightly cack-handed tribute to Geoffrey... Perkins.
Perkins, yeah, where they misintroduced his son.
And there was a bit of a tonal clash considering how sad and brilliant that guy was.
It was a slightly uncomfortable shift in the sort of sixth form common room food fight atmosphere of that show.
And what should have been is that slightly more serious tribute, I thought.
Yeah, uh apart from that I I didn't I didn't watch it.
He's had more serious tributes paid to him elsewhere Yeah, yeah, but but I find the I mean we've been to it a couple of times as Jonathan Ross's guest We've never been there invited or anywhere near a nomination as as you'll know, uh, if you listen to our podcast We ranted about it a bit complaining but um, it's a weird atmosphere in there.
It's not dissimilar to the NME Awards it's a sort of award ceremony where it's perceived as so uncool to
sort of be nominated for it or care about it.
It'd be so uncool for the award to actually mean anything that the whole thing, at its centre, has a sort of atmosphere of cynicism and carelessness that sort of negates the event, weirdly.
Yeah, it strips away all the pretensions of comedians, basically, who would like to think that they don't care about things like awards and regularly take the mic out of that kind of thing.
And then suddenly they'd be nominated and they're like,
Hooray!
But then simultaneously being cynical.
And I'm sure which gear to be in.
They want their award cake and eat it, you know.
And it brings out, it's interesting because it sometimes shows you the kind of real unvarnished character of some comedians.
Well the whole heckling.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, the whole atmosphere was completely undermined by one person last week, and I was watching the show, and it was very hard to tell where these shouts were coming from.
This is Kevin Bishop, wasn't it?
Yes, exactly.
The Guy in Star Stories.
Was over on a table in the corner, and he'd be nominated, I think, for his own program, The Kevin Bishop Show on Channel 4.
and the atmosphere was already queasy because of Angus Deaton, right?
He was taking over from Jonathan who was unable to do the show this year and Angus was clearly very nervous as you would be.
It's a big gig for him and he's only just emerging from the
you know, scars of a scandal.
Yeah, from scandal jail.
And so he was out there and, I mean, why would you want to do that, Kate?
That is horrible.
Hosting that show.
Unless you're someone like Alan Carr, who probably would do it with aplomb, you know, and just mince his way through it and laugh it off.
He wouldn't mind.
But Deaton clearly had a little bit too much invested in doing a good job.
And he does do a good job.
He's a good autocue reader.
Yeah, yeah, he's good.
He's good all round, but I don't mean that as an insult.
He's genuinely a really good auto-cucumber.
Absolutely.
That's a skill.
And he, uh, he looked really like he was about to cry a couple of times.
I mean, maybe that's not right.
Maybe he was absolutely cool as a cucumber, but to me, perhaps I was projecting my fear watching him
and it made for uncomfortable viewing.
And then, gradually throughout the show, you began to hear these shouts and heckles that reached a crescendo when they played Ricky Gervais' acceptance message.
Right.
Because Gervais won.
Did they win for the extra Christmas special or something?
And he got heckled.
And they kept the audio from the studio playing underneath while they played the clip.
So you could hear this one person that turned out to be Kevin Bishop just screaming abuse at Ricky Gervais and saying boring and other things that I can't repeat on a Saturday morning.
Uh, so it really made for a strange atmosphere, and you couldn't tell, like, it took a while before you got a shot of Kevin Bishop, who by the end of the program, if you switched over to ITV2 for the extra bits, was lobbing things at the stage.
I did see that, yeah, and Ian Morris, a good producer who's a friend of ours, very nice guy, had to, nearly got hit on the head by some sort of bottle of... Ian won an award for a show called The Inbetweeners, which is a good show.
But he caught it, didn't he?
He brilliantly caught the bottle that was lobbed at his head.
A full bottle of fizzy pop, I think, that Bishop lobbed over at him.
And he did a brilliant catch and it was the best moment of the whole night.
I think, you know, the ITV2 versions of those awards ceremonies are much the better shows, aren't they?
because they correctly reflect the chaos and sort of madness of what's going on and it's much more unscripted and looser and people misbehave.
Yes.
And it's usually brilliant car crash telly.
Well Sarah Cox and Rufus Hound were presenting their coverage and they were very good actually.
They had just the right... Oh that's a shame.
Well, no, but they did a good job of making it all seem sort of exciting Rufus hounds like a up-and-coming.
He's very professional But I don't think that's the business ITV2 should be in they should get some chaotic hopeless presenters to do it like the early Russell Brand type thing.
Yeah, we'd screw it all up for them
I think, though, they should stop showing award ceremonies, full stop.
You reckon?
On main channels, yeah.
Stick them all on the ITV2 and make them... Can I rip the backbone out of the whole TV industry?
Does anyone watch them?
Of course, everyone watches award ceremonies.
Do they?
I don't know if they do anymore.
Well, X Factor is kind of like a big extended award ceremony in a way.
That's different.
Is it?
Yes, it is.
Are you voting for the Ewok tonight?
Little Jimmy sweet boy.
No, I don't know.
I don't know what I'm gonna do tonight.
I'm gonna send him back to Endor if there's anything I can do about it.
It's your free choice now, Joe.
Yeah, this is Beck, and it's a kind of re-recording of... Is it called Strange Invitation?
Yeah, from... What album's that from then?
It's a lyric in Jackass, isn't it?
In Mutations, yeah.
Yeah, is it Mutations or is it Odele?
Oh, I can't remember.
I think it might be Odele, but this is a sort of orchestral, mellow version of that song.
And the strings are by his dad.
Do you know about Beck's dad?
Mr. Hanson.
Yeah, do you know about him?
Al Hansen.
Yeah, kind of.
Is that Beck's dad, Al Hansen?
I'm not sure it is.
But he's an orchestral arranger and composer, I think, and he's provided these strings for this version of Strange Invitation.
And it's very nice.
Very nice.
That's Beck with Strange Invitation.
And just to correct our factoidal mistakes, Beck's grandfather is Al Hansen, and his father's a Canadian musician called David Campbell.
There you go.
Very interesting.
This is Adam and Jo.
I didn't mean to giggle there.
I just sort of said very interesting in a matter of fact way and didn't really mean it.
I mean, it is sort of interesting, but I'd say very interesting.
It's interesting in so much as now people won't be misinformed.
Well, exactly.
It's nice.
What I meant to say is nice.
Anyway, I move on like that, but I said very interesting and then I thought I can't get away with very interesting.
I mean, that's pushing it.
It's quite interesting.
Now you've just made a mess of the whole thing.
Now I've ruined it by concentrating on it.
It's time for the top of our sweeper, but it's not the top of the hour yet, Ben.
I mean, we've got another one minute and 40 seconds to go.
We've got nothing prepared.
We can't fill for a minute and 40 seconds.
You can't suddenly show us that.
I mean, it's not as if we're professional or anything.
Should we play the top of the hour sweeper early?
Is that what you're saying?
I think we'd better.
OK, here we go.
This is the voice of the big, pretty castle.
It is the top of the hour.
Ooh, that's wonderful.
I got so bored with the last hour and day.
I mean that holds up well, doesn't it?
Yes.
Is it just because this is music from our era and we're determined to think that it does hold up?
I don't think so.
I'm still convinced that the Human League are a historically important band and I remember seeing them on one of those clip shows where they were treated as a sort of weird one-hit-wonder phenomena.
Right.
And I think that's disrespectful.
I think they're- Phenomenon.
Phenomenon.
Is that what?
Did I say it wrong?
They are a single phenomenon.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
Not many phenomena.
Although there were three phenomena within the band.
The ladies.
I wish I'd never said it now.
And so do I. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have corrected you.
I'm so sorry.
I say about the correction, I'm so sorry.
I'm getting a flash forward to the Buxton Christmas in about 2028 when you're 60.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
When you're a problem, I'm down.
Do you know we were on the radio first for three years?
Do we have to have Grandpa?
Look, I've got all the podcasts.
Come on.
Let's play them.
This is the one where Joan myself and to write a song.
I wrote one about Stephen Fry.
Can you imagine that?
Oh no, Grandpa Adam's made us smell again.
Sorry, sorry for the smell, for the stinking.
Where's my sherry?
That's probably just a glimpse into a week's time.
Exactly.
Current Buxton Christmas.
That's my dad.
So listen, it's troubling accent time and this week our troubling accent, I'm saying is if we do it every week, we pretty much do almost.
But as you know, we enjoy finding really awful attempts at foreign accents by actors in films and this was suggested by a listener whose email I've promptly lost so I don't know what they're called.
Nice job, Joel.
Let's call them John X. Johnny X. Johnny X. They emailed in suggesting Josh Hartnett's performance in a film called Blow Dry.
Sounds fruity.
I haven't seen Blow Dry.
It's not fruity, it's about competitive hairdressing, and it was a big flopperoonie, rightly so, because it's confused.
That's not the one with Craig, what's his name in it?
No, that's a different one, I think.
This one has got Alan Rickman and Josh Hernett.
Right.
And hairnet has been in the news of course this week because he successfully sued a British tabloid for lying about some sex romps he had in a hotel.
He's made 20 knicker off of it.
And the newspaper's defence was, yeah sorry we made it up.
They just completely made it up.
Um, so he's a little bit richer, but I'm gonna make him a little bit poorer by playing this attempt at a Yorkshire accent.
And of course he's from America.
Middle America somewhere, Josh Hartner.
You know who Josh Hartner is.
He was in Pearl Harbor.
He's so handsome he can only just open his eyes.
Yeah.
Uh, he's blinded by his own reflection.
He's like a kind of mid-80s male model type person.
Yeah, but quite a good actor, I think.
Is he?
What's his best role?
I don't know.
I put you on the spot with Hartnett there.
The faculty he's in, isn't he?
What else is he in?
That's good enough, man.
I'll take the faculty.
I think he's quite good in Halloween H2O, weirdly.
I quite like that film.
It's an underrated film.
Yeah, I don't know about that.
But it's fun.
And he's supposed to be quite good in Rain Man.
He's on stage in London in Rain Man at the moment.
I think it might have come off.
But anyway, in this film, he's pretending to be from Yorkshire.
And this is his Yorkshire accent.
Here's the first clip.
Well at least in that one it's possible to understand what he's saying, right?
Barely.
Have a go at this one.
All new world now mate.
More like sculpture as modern style.
Tell you, if Henry Moore were born now, he wouldn't piss around with marble and statues and stuff.
He'd be an addresser.
Oh my goodness.
That's actually quite comprehensible as well, I think.
Or maybe it's just because I've listened to it a lot.
Henry Moore?
That's the only bit I understood from not one minute.
I mean, how?
And presumably he doesn't get that much better.
Is he the main character in the film?
One of them.
Why would you cast?
A man from the... Because that's how you get your money to make your film.
Is it?
Probably would have been no film without Hernet.
A glimpse into the film industry there.
Yeah, there are enough people in the world who will just rent something or have a look at it on Hernet's name alone.
Stand up, my wife.
Exactly.
Yeah.
That's one of the, you know, that's one of the main reasons why films are rubbish.
That's true, isn't it?
Because of finance-led casting.
That's a shame.
I mean, the director must have been standing there digging pencils into his thighs while he was...
doing that scene.
Well, I guess they hope that the majority of Americans, where most of their box office earnings would come from, can't tell.
Right.
They don't have the ear to tell.
Got you.
But how about this one?
I think this is clip number three.
If this is the right one, I think this is my favorite.
Right.
Better get your shift on, eh?
Gotta get him back to rights before morning.
Give him some hand, eh?
Fix him up and then we'll do Ocaba.
What's going on there?
Fix him up and then we'll do Ocaba.
Do it again.
One more?
Right.
Better get your shift on, eh?
Gotta get him back to riots before morning.
Give us an idea.
Fix him up and then we'll do a hoke a bah.
Hey man, after the show, do you wanna go do a hoke a bah?
Yeah, I'd love to.
First of all, can I go do a hoke a bah?
I haven't done a hoke a bah.
That is good.
Hey listen, if anyone out there's got more suggestions for wonky accents that we can play on the show, we can make it into a feature.
We used to do it on the other radio station that we worked for, but we could do a little jingle here, and it could be a thing, right?
It could indeed be a thing, and I apologise to the person who suggested that, that I lost their email.
Johnny X. Johnny X, that I've forgotten.
Here's all her name.
Not a disrespect, Mr. X. Nah, man.
But, uh, we'd appreciate other suggestions, uh, about wonky accents.
And, uh, what are you pointing out there, Ben?
Is it a bit of Jasmine Sullivan right now?
Ooh.
Bust your windows.
Text the nation.
Text, text, text.
Text the nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation.
It doesn't matter.
Text.
That's the short-textination jingle there.
It's good to have variety, though, isn't it?
Yeah, certainly.
You never can tell how long the hell of the jingle's gonna last.
It's good to have variety, like Live at the Apollo.
Right, that's got a new accent over a couple of minutes.
That's not really variety, though, is it?
Is that Live at the British Apollo?
I don't know, the Live at the Apollo's just comedians.
But there's another variety show that they've got now.
There's an American Live at the Apollo, isn't there?
Anyway, this is going off message, sorry about that, listeners.
I liked it.
Yeah.
I had a whole convo there.
Is there?
We'll talk about it later.
Let's never talk about it ever again.
Fair enough.
It's textination time here on the Adam and Jo radio show on BBC 6 Music.
The text number is 64046.
All you've got to do is listen to the following conversation and text in about it.
There you go.
It's a good feature, eh?
What do you reckon?
I like it.
So this week on Texanation, we are talking about phone disasters, right?
And by that, I don't mean times that you have tripped over the cord of your old-fashioned phone and it's fallen on top of your head.
Disaster!
That would be a disaster.
No, I'm talking about times when you have become involved with conversations or left accidental messages, that kind of thing, that have gotten you into all kinds of hot water.
Trubs in pubs.
So, here's an example.
This was told to me by a friend of mine.
A couple of friends, they were on holiday, right, with one, with another couple.
Brilliant.
Is that it?
So, yeah.
What do you reckon?
It's a good story though, isn't it?
Yeah.
So these two couples, they're on holiday.
This is true.
And at one point, they were going to another part of the island, right?
And they were driving in separate cars.
And so this bloke phones up the other guy, and he sort of says, Tom, where are we meeting later on?
Is that the real name, Tom?
No, it's not the real name.
Accents and names have been changed.
His real accent was like, his real name.
Yo, Ricky.
Yeah, we got me out.
Yeah.
Yeah, Ricky.
What's up, my boy?
No, I'm I'm disguising hello Tom because that sounds completely like that was his name.
And that is how he spoke.
Hello, Tom Bowler.
No, it's not.
I thought it was not.
Otherwise, I'd get in trouble.
Tommy Knockers.
Hello, Stephen King.
This is Tommy Knockers.
Tom Bola.
It's Julian Rifflesworth and we're supposed to be meeting later on.
No, and so he leaves a message, right?
And then after he leaves the message, he starts having a little bitching session with his wife about the wife of the other guy.
Just saying like, what's Marge doing?
I mean, gosh, she's being annoyed today, isn't she?
Yeah, why doesn't she shut up?
Why can't we just make a decision and stick to it, honestly?
Marge?
Marge, just make that one up.
She puts it out of thin air.
Tom and Marge.
I love them all.
Tom and Marge.
This is true.
You're undermining the trueness of the story.
So obviously, listeners, you know where this is going.
He hadn't hung up properly after leaving the message and the rest of his bitching session was recorded on the answering machine of the other guy.
So they arrive at their destination and Tom realised as soon as he'd done it, right, he sort of looked at his phone a couple of minutes later, realised that it was still recording, it hadn't hung up and he's like, are you joking?
So he hangs up mortified, dreading the moment that he arrives at the destination where they're all going to be reunited.
So he arrives there and gingerly does a little bit of questioning, he realises that the guy hasn't listened to his message yet.
So he's seriously considering just saying to the guy,
Could you just not listen to the message that I just left?
He's considering saying that or saying it.
Well, he's considering saying it when the guy picks up his phone and starts collecting his messages, starts listening to his messages.
So the bloke is watching him listen to the message preceded by the bitching session about his wife.
Luckily, they were sufficiently good friends in this case for it not to be a cataclysmic falling out.
And the other guy had to admit that his wife actually was being quite annoying.
But it was pretty awkward and embarrassing.
One of those things that happens on holiday, they were sufficiently good friends that they got over it, and it wasn't the end of the holiday.
But it made me think like, I mean, that was lucky in that case.
But I'm interested in people who've had more disastrous, similar incidents with phones, answering machines, that kind of thing.
Who've got themselves into terrible trouble.
I nearly got myself into terrible trouble once.
Really, this was a long time ago, and it involves a little bit of low-quality name-dropping.
I may have told you this story before.
But do you remember when we met Gail Porter, I think, way back at the South Park party?
That was in the South Park movie.
This was years ago, like 10 years ago.
And it was around the time when Gail had just had her bare bottom projected on the side of Big Ben, if you remember that, for FHM magazine, I think.
Anyway, she was a charming young woman and we met her at this party and we got on very well, actually.
She's really nice, Gail.
Haven't seen her for ages.
Anyway, basically, we were having quite a flirty time, I don't mind telling you, right?
And I went home and I told my wife all about it, because I was actually my, she was my then girlfriend, now my wife.
Am I making this confusing enough?
And so I said, I met Gail Porter at this party, she's really nice.
And my wife got quite jealous, my girlfriend as she was then, got quite jealous, which I enjoyed, yeah?
And then a few weeks later, I got a phone call and I hear,
Hi Adam, it's Gail here, how are you doing?
I'm like, oh hi Gail, how are you?
And I was really thrilled, right?
So to be called by Gail, you know, we'd exchanged numbers.
And I was like, yeah, yeah, oh great to see you, how have you been?
And I was really overexcited clearly on the phone.
It was my girlfriend doing a Gail Porter impression.
No.
And she was only joking.
No.
But I fell for it because it was quite a good impression.
Wow.
She was like teasing me that I would be phoned by Gail at home.
But I completely fell for it.
And I was so mortified when I realised that I'd been so badly busted, and there was no way that I could excuse how enthusiastic and excited I was, that I just hung up.
Did you live with her at the time?
No.
No, we weren't living together at that point.
Things took a little bit of a... That's a good tactic.
Hang up.
I just immediately hung up.
I couldn't think of anything to say.
Can this text donation be broadened to all communication problems, you know, like if you send a really ill-advised email?
Well, we could do that, yeah.
I mean, we could save that one for another day and really make that a different segment.
Now, let's broaden it.
People's stories might be a little long for a text.
Sure, okay.
So feel free to email as well.
Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
If you've got any stories of dropping yourself in it on the phone or having phone embarrassments or disasters and the text number, if you feel you can be pithy enough, is 64046.
Right now, here's a bit of music.
The welcome return of Travis.
This is Song to Self.
This isn't Travis at all.
We're going to play that a bit later.
This is Talking Heads.
And this is my free play.
A lovely song from More Songs About Buildings and Food.
This is The Good Thing.
Talking Heads with The Good Thing.
That is a wicked song.
That was my little free play there.
I hope you enjoyed that, listeners.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music on a Saturday morning.
Yeah, we were talking last week, listeners, I don't know if any of you remember, about egg corns.
Oh yeah.
Now describe what an egg corn is, Adam.
Well, a good example of an egg corn... Well, an egg corn is so-called because the word acorn is sometimes misheard.
You know what?
I'm going to do it.
Your answer's too long.
Egg corn.
It's a misheard phrase.
There you go.
Yeah, something you've misheard and missay.
So some people have emailed in with some quite good ones.
Earlier I was saying batter down the hatches was one of mine.
But it's batten down the hatches.
Baton, yes.
So you put a baton through some hoops in order to secure your hatch.
Yeah, you find like a majorette, you nick her baton, and you use it to secure the hatches.
Stick it in your hoops.
Yeah.
Sounds filthy.
There you go.
So here's a couple of emails we've had.
This is from Phil Watson.
He says, a few years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer.
But I'm totally okay now.
One of the many tests was a scan.
Before the scan, I had to drink a barium meal.
That evening, I overheard my wife on the phone telling people how I was getting on, and that I'd had to have a Bavarian meal.
I let her continue the mistake for ages before correcting her.
It really cheered me up, and it's still the only thing I'm allowed to ridicule my wife with in public.
The barium meal is so they can trace the progress around your bloodstream, isn't it?
Exactly.
Here's another one from Nick Sydney, who says, I wanted to share my new favorite, Eggcorn with you.
Recently on a phone into Gary Crowley, a listener told Gary that a guitar solo on a Small Faces song was, oh, that's an icon classic.
That's icon classic.
That's a good one.
It's absolutely icon classic.
That is good.
And then here's another one.
from Emma Goodrum and blah blah blah I also have an egg corn for you until my honeymoon three months ago I thought that quote the whole kit and caboodle was actually the whole kitten caboodle I used to think that as well yeah it would be nicer if it was a kitten caboodle
I mean, you know, because you can imagine how comfy a kitten caboodle would be.
Yeah, I used to imagine a kitten, says Emma, tangled in a ball of wool.
That's right.
For some reason, caboodle became wool in my head.
I exactly know what you're talking about.
Yeah, I think that's absolutely right.
A kitten caboodle would be a lovely thing.
I'd just like to see it on a card.
We'd very much like to hear any other acorns you've got.
Do send them in to us on the email please.
And what's the text number as well for people?
64046, is it?
That's from memory after a year and a half.
That's not bad, is it?
That's not bad.
Four and five numbers.
I still can't remember either the text number or the email.
The email's easy because the dot comes where you think the at would be.
So when you want to say at, just say dot.
Adam.
No, that's not an at, that's an and.
Come on, try it.
No, you see how you said at?
When you feel yourself wanting to say at, go dot.
Right, and now you feel a little sense of excitement that you've said the dot.
That's your cue to say the at next.
No.
I'm forgotten now, what is it?
Adamandjo.6music, it's the station.
Right.
So nearly swore then.
Because I'm so passionate.
I so nearly said a bad word.
What did it start with?
It started with an F. The F one.
It was the fire truck one.
The F bomb.
Wow, that would have been amazing.
Very nearly.
That would have been curtains for us.
Try it again.
Adamandjo.6music at bbc.co.uk.
Yes!
It's 10.30, time for the news.
Hold steady there with stay positive.
Who are they?
Do you know anything about them?
Bellowing.
Yeah, man.
They were big news last year.
Really?
Yeah.
Are they good?
They are good.
They want integrity.
I think they do have integrity.
They're sort of old blokes, you know?
They're kind of old age, yeah.
And they, for years, had sort of straight jobs and then they decided that they were just going to be in a band.
They were big musos, loved Bruce Springsteen, all that kind of thing.
So they just got a kind of band together and they rock seriously hard.
Good.
Well, that's good info.
Apparently, that single's been rescheduled for a December release.
That's this month.
Yeah.
Due to the lead guitarist, Ted Kubler, being hospitalised with pancreatitis.
Oh, dear.
That doesn't sound good.
I mean, they're quite hard-living, hard-drinking boys.
Really?
Yeah.
So they should take care of themselves, maybe.
They're a little bit old, but a lot of their songs are about excessive behaviour in one way or another.
They sound like they're having a good time.
Their gigs are apparently legendarily incendiary.
So, there you go.
Now, I've been enjoying a lot of audiobooks recently.
Yeah, well, we know you can't read.
Yeah, that's true.
So that follows.
That is true.
You know, I can read to myself, I just like to say.
Can you?
I don't mean that.
Even though, when you read to yourself... Can I make it clear?
Sometimes I say things and they're not, you know, completely.
You shouldn't take them at... Yeah, I know what you mean.
You mean I can't read properly.
Can you?
Not really.
Now, you know, do you read aloud in your head?
Like, when you're reading a book, can you hear the words in your head?
Oh, yeah, kind of.
I guess so.
That's the sign of a bad reader.
Is this?
I've never really thought about it.
You're not supposed to.
I did a speed reading course years ago at school, and it was teaching you how to, like, scan the words of a page.
It didn't teach me nothing.
But one thing that did stick with me was the guy saying, if you say the words aloud in your head while you're reading, then you are reading much too slow.
I don't.
You don't.
No.
And one of the things about speed reading is that you don't say them aloud.
You just scan them with your eyes and you kind of absorb key words here and there and you miss out.
Who would want to speed read?
Well, exactly.
Stupid thing to say.
I like to make books come alive in my head, giving the different accents to the different voices, that kind of thing.
But this is why you listen to audiobooks.
Well... They're brilliant for listening to in the carbles, aren't they?
They're great, yeah.
I mean, the great thing about audiobooks... When I say carble, I mean car.
Not the actual place.
No, but it's a fun juxtaposition.
That wouldn't be so fun, would it?
but if you know the great thing about an audiobook is that imaginative element is still very much intact you know and they're lovely when they're read by the author yeah i noticed i was recommending to you the steve martin autobiography born standing up it's a brilliant little book
And I notice you've got it there on audiobook.
Yeah, you recommended that to me, and that's one of the best audiobooks that I have purchased.
It's really great.
I mean, he's obviously a talented actor, Steve Martin, so he does his book, which is very well written as well.
He's a good comedian as well.
Total justice.
And it's amazingly good.
It's such a brilliant dissection of the comedian's art.
And it's very touching and it's interesting as well, whether you're a Steve Martin fan or not.
I've got Alex James's book, Bit of a Blur, which is enjoyable.
He's not such a good reader.
Isn't he?
Does he lose interest?
Well, he's got that sort of slightly drunk way of talking and sometimes he doesn't do his own stuff justice.
It's a feat of concentration and breathing's quite difficult when you read for a long period.
You can get yourself slightly dizzy and sort of mildly hyperventilate.
Yeah, and you can hear as well where the sessions have stopped and started.
Really?
And the sound of the mic is slightly different.
Really?
And he doesn't go very long.
without having to have a new mic position there.
But it's good, man.
I recommend that one.
And he plunges into the whole business of doing accents for different people.
So when he's reporting dialogue from other characters in his life in the book, he'll just do an accent for them.
Well, this is an interesting area, isn't it?
Because it's taken as read if you're reading a story to a child.
You'll bring it to life by doing all the voices.
And the accents.
Yeah, that's half the fun.
Yeah, exactly.
Sometimes it gets confusing remembering which accents you've assigned to which character.
It's one of the skills of the reader.
But as you get older and the subjects of the books you read become more mature, do you still do the voices?
Yeah, surely.
Do you think so?
Is that the case in most of the audiobooks?
Are people still doing funny voices?
Michael Palin, in his diaries, which I would also recommend, they're fascinating the Python years, in the audiobook there, he doesn't he doesn't do any accents as far as I'm aware.
It's a shame.
It's a shame, but you don't miss it, because, I mean, he's such a good reader anyway.
He makes the whole thing come to life without needing to do the accents.
And you don't mind, because it's more sort of journalistically right or correct in some way.
Do you know what I mean?
Not to do the accent.
for some reason.
Well, this is like what we were saying about Wallander, isn't it?
Yeah.
But with Alex James, for example, the tone is quite silly and over-the-top and frivolous anyway, so a daft, Mancounian accent that he will do for someone doesn't seem that out of place.
Can I just say Wallander the Swedish detective?
Swedish, not Swiss.
Swedish.
It's easy to get Switzerland and Sweden mixed up because of the SW there.
But I was also listening to John Sessions reading Armageddon by Max Hastings, which is all about the battle for Germany 1944 to 1945.
And that's obviously a more serious book in a lot of ways, historical novel and historical, not a novel, but a
a historical account of that period in Germany's history and, you know, serious stuff.
But John Sessions throws himself wholeheartedly from quite an early stage into doing impressions of many of the key players, right?
And he's obviously a very gifted impressionist, John Sessions.
So, it's not a stretch for him.
But it's quite a shock when you first start hearing him do it, because you don't expect it.
Here's an example.
This is an American accent that he does for, I think it's one of the people that's not famous.
It's a trooper, what's he called?
Trooper John Thorpe.
This is just, you know, a bit of reported speech, and here's Sessions doing the accent.
Trooper John Thorpe wrote in his diary.
And Jerry gives himself up to us in a cabbage field.
The water is running out of his clothes.
He's covered in mud and shaking with cold and fright.
So yeah, he's gone.
Is he South African there?
No, no, he's from New York.
He is he now?
I think he is, yeah.
So Sessions, that's like one of the sort of anonymous accents.
Trooper John Thorpe is not a famous person per se, so he's just going for a generic American accent there.
But then other characters are more well known, and he does not shy away from ascribing the correct accent.
For example, his Churchill.
Churchill dissented.
He wrote to the Joint Intelligence Committee, it is at least as likely that Hitler will be fighting on the 1st of January as it is that he will collapse before then.
It turns him into a bit of a caricature, doesn't it?
A little bit, yeah.
Is this a serious book, the tone of this?
It is very serious.
Yeah, I mean, it was a bad war, wasn't it?
It was.
Apparently it was one of the worst.
Died and everything.
But yeah, that's interesting.
And and you know, I mean that's a good church an impression you can't take away from it It's not very difficult.
It's not hard to do a fragile Impression and it's not something that would necessarily do in the middle of a serious book.
No, who's that?
That was
Johnny Churchill, Churchill's friend.
So here's another one right now, and this is for Bill Deeds, in fact, the journalist who was also fighting in the Second World War.
This is still Sessions doing an impression of Deeds.
This is Sessions doing Deeds, yeah.
In those days, we use only about the Russians.
Said Major William Deeds of 12th King's Royal Rifle Corps.
I mean, Bill- You were much more interested in dishing into Vera Lynn on the radio.
Bill Deeds was known for- for his kind of, uh, slurry speech, apparently.
So he's- those are- these are informed impressions.
Yes.
I mean, Sessions knows how these people speak, and he's doing a kind of informed-
Yes, he does, Deesh.
But again, if it's like a person who isn't so well known, whose accent is not as well known as say Churchill or Bill Deeds or whatever, he still has a go at the accent.
It is not the distinction that if you want your programme to be taken seriously, like Wallander, you dispense with all accents, even though it's a massive suspension of disbelief.
If you want your programme or your fiction to be taken seriously, not seriously, like say the comedy series Alo Alo, everybody speaks like this!
That's right.
Yeah, so that's what Sessions has ignored.
That's the mistake he's made, isn't it?
He's somewhere in between, though, because his accents are good.
But I'm saying accents are per se stupid.
You can't do an accent and not be slightly stupid.
Well, he sort of agrees with you, because when it comes to the Germans, he doesn't do an accent.
So what's all that?
So like he does accents for the British and the Americans and... Why does he not do German accents?
Why not the Germans?
So here he is talking about Sergeant Helmut Gunter, not a well-known person, but just a member of the German army there.
Sergeant Helmut Gunter said, we were amazed that it took the Allies so long to engage us.
We were utterly exhausted.
Yeah, we were given the chance to catch our breath and regroup at Metz.
Not even bothering with that one, are there any?
And here's another one.
Frau Koikl, he talks about, just a German lady.
Frau Koikl, yeah.
Frau Koikl wrote to her husband, it is dreadful to realize that Tommy is coming near her every hour.
Here people are full of fears.
She's softer because she's a lady.
Exactly.
Yes.
And she is worried.
She's full of fears.
So he doesn't... He's not even going there with the accent.
That's a shame, don't you think?
I was excited about the German accents.
It is a bit of a shame, but it does back up my point, don't you think?
I don't know.
I think there's a way of doing it.
I had a stab and I think I did a very tasteful job of it.
Really?
Here's Helmut Gunter, my way.
Sergeant Helmut Gunter said...
We were amazed that it took the Allies so long to engage us.
We were utterly exhausted, yet we were given the chance to regroup and catch our breath.
At Met!
Why is he so excited about Met?
Because he's a bit of a baddie.
Is he?
You know more than session stars about this guy.
I do.
I did a bit of research, he was a bit of a baddie and he was very excited about METS!
Zanzaveh hit Tom!
And this is how I would do Frau Koichel.
Frau Koichel wrote to her husband.
It is dreadful to realise that Tommy is coming here every hour.
People are full of fears.
That's quite moving though, isn't it?
Well, she sounds less feminine than Sessions.
She sounds like maybe a... She was a very manly woman.
What?
She was Anne Hairy Woman.
She was Anne Freuchel was famous for being Anne Hairy.
You know, I think it's a shame though, because... Ah, this might be disrespectful, but it would make the war more exciting if...
If the two sides that are fighting each other both spoke like this, it would make it less exciting, don't you think?
It's better if one side speaks like this and the other side speaks like this!
Like baddies, you mean?
Yes, exactly.
But they think that we're the baddies at the time, right?
Of course, yeah.
You've got to have a distinction between the accents in order to make the fight more exciting.
It's like wrestling.
It's nothing like wrestling.
That's a terrible thing to say.
I know, I agree with you.
I think there should be more of a... He could have done a dignified German accent.
What would have been wrong with that?
He doesn't have to go completely cartouche.
What about when they're writing the book?
What about writing the words phonetically?
So instead of German, if a German person said the word German, it would be spelt chairman.
Yeah.
C-H-A-I-R-M-A-N.
And instead of saying the, they say zuh.
Yes.
I am the chairman.
I am from Germany!
Would that be good?
That would be good.
Good.
Anyway, that's good man though.
I do recommend whether you enjoy accents or not.
Max Hastings is Armageddon.
It's a smash.
So that's audiobook news here on the Adam and Jo radio program.
Time now for some more music.
And here is Travis, which we promised you earlier on.
This is Song to Self.
The Travels with Song to Self.
Is that from their new album?
That's right.
I think their album is called Ode to Jay Smith or something like that.
Very nice to hear them again.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.
Ode to Jenny Smith.
Ode to Jenny Smith, is it?
I think it's just Jay Smith.
I'm pretty sure, Ben.
I don't want to pull rank on you there.
But I've seen the poster in the tubes, and I think it's just Jay.
Alright?
Sorry.
Welcome to Be Corrected, if I'm wrong.
So here's a free play chosen by me, and this is somebody called MC Duke.
Do you remember MC Duke, Adam?
Just say no.
No.
Just say no.
No, no thanks.
uh he was a rapper is a rapper uh he was around in 1987 i've never heard of emcee juke i don't think many people have he was quite big in mid 80s hip-hop when hip-hop was young westward was a big fan he used to love emcee juke believe maxing the black plastic just dressing the vital vinyl
But MC Duke was the UK high-tech breaking and bobby popping, bobby, bobby popping?
Hello, my name's Bobby Popping.
The UK high-tech breaking and body popping champion, and he was kind of movie obsessed, is the good thing about him.
He was keen on using samples from films.
He's not a brilliant rapper by today's standards.
When you hear him rap, you might think it's crap.
Yeah.
But you'd be forgiven.
Remember, this was 1987, over 20 years ago, when British rap especially was nascent and kind of cringe-worthy and slightly awkward.
Yes.
But he is vindicated by his use of movie samples.
He released an album called Return of the Jedi, which had exactly the poster for Return of the Jedi on the front.
He had another album called Organised Rime, which was a brilliant bit of wordplay for 87.
But this is a single called The Final Conflict and listen out for samples from Omen 3 The Final Conflict starring Sam Neill, the least strung of the Omen trilogy in my opinion, and a candidate to be remade.
I would like to remake Omen 3.
Do you think that would play?
I don't remember what the story was even.
Oh, he's in the White House, was he?
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
That's got a brilliant self-shotgun execution.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
One of my favourites.
It's even, what's-her-face?
Ruby Wax in it.
Isn't Ruby Wax playing the secretary who opens the door and triggers the gun?
Oh.
I think very possibly, I might be remembering that wrongly.
That might just be a dream.
So it includes a sample from Omen 3, also Peter Gabriel's Games Without Frontiers, and Robocop, and it ends with a brilliant Highlander sample.
So think of those samples to pull you through the difficult bits of rapping.
This is MC Duke with the final conflict.
He blew the whole place up!
Ed 209 at the end there, was it?
Very possibly, shooting the guy over the model of... From Robert Kopp.
Yeah.
That's good though, don't you think?
That is good.
Well, it's not good, but it's entertaining.
And for 87, that was some seriously good rapping.
He was like the MC live, what do you call it, when you battle, like the battling champion.
Battlin' man.
Yeah.
At the end.
You know I found my books of CD singles during the week.
I used to buy quite a lot of CD singles and we put them in.
Do you do that at all organizationally?
How do you do your CDs?
They're on shelves in alphabetical order, are they?
They're not, they're there by genre.
By genre?
Yeah.
And not alphabetically ordered within the genre?
No.
Do you find it easy to find things that way?
Yeah.
How many have you got?
About 10,000?
Right.
I don't have so many, but the CD singles are in those weird books, zip-up, filey books.
Yeah.
And man, it was a real, uh, Trevor Trove.
Absolutely Trevor Trove.
Of stuff that I haven't listened to for ages.
And luckily, I found a whole lot of hip-hop that is in radio edits.
Uh-huh.
Clean versions.
Because as a hip-hop fan, I find it difficult to select stuff to play because of all the swearing.
Swearing, bad language.
Yes, bad language.
And very nasty about ladies.
No, the way I do it organizationally is I've got them on shelves and the ones I like most I've got at head height.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow, sort of like a news agent.
Exactly.
Are the filthier ones on the top shelf?
Yeah, the absolute filth is on the top shelf.
Generally like the dance music that I felt compelled to buy in the past and just never listened to.
I've got that like all the Goa trance compilations.
What's at foot level?
Foot level is compilations that friends have made for me.
You don't like your friends very much?
No, I do.
I just like crawling.
Ah, you like to crawl to your friends to appreciate yourself.
When I fall over, I just think, oh look, there's that compilation.
Also, I've got soundtracks down there.
Film soundtracks.
That's not very respectful.
Sound effects, CDs.
Listen, I use these a lot, but... My soundtracks are at the top.
Are they?
Yeah, they tend to gravitate upwards, the classical music and the soundtracks.
Right.
Because they're haughty.
They're high art.
Yeah.
My bottom shelf would be CD singles and video games.
No, CD singles I've got on the very top shelf along with the Goa trance.
Really?
Yeah.
Shidi shingles.
Shidi shingles on the top shelf.
My shidi shingles are on the top shelf.
Listen, are we going to do any textination stuff?
That wasn't a racist accent, by the way.
It was just... Where would it be from?
You've got to be careful.
Where?
From my place forever, by top of that.
Shidi shingles.
Excuse me, I heard you're shoddy, I was very racist to people from a country.
Where is your country?
I don't know, it's called Serbia.
Serbia now, is it?
No, Serbia.
Oh, Serbia.
You're not snowing, you're Serbia.
Serbia.
Is that what you were getting at?
We should do some text the nations.
Let's do some after this next track.
Ben, our producer, you didn't find that music at all.
You're just looking worried and bored during that.
It's time for some Massive Attack now, I think, isn't it?
Massive Attack.
with safe from harm.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
We're in the midst of Text the Nation.
Shall we have the jingle, Ben?
Text the Nation!
Text!
Text the Nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text the Nation!
It doesn't matter!
Text!
Yes, Text the Nation this week listeners is all about terrible disasters you've had when trying to communicate with people on the telling phone.
That's right.
When you've been rude or forgotten to hang up or that kind of thing, correct?
Yeah, have you ever had any butt call problems?
Do you mean, what are they called?
Gash calls, slash calls.
I call them butt calls because if you, like, if a person has their phone in their back pocket and they accidentally sit down on it and it dials somebody's number and then you've got, like, a direct line through to that person as they just wander around.
Yeah, my mum does that a lot.
Right, and because I'm a... I quite like it, it's life from inside her handbag.
It's nice, isn't it?
And sometimes you get little snippets of, um...
Have you got that in blue?
Yes.
My son, he's on BBC Six Music, he's a disgrace.
I'm so ashamed of him.
Thank you very much.
Bye.
You think that's what my mummy would say?
Yeah.
How rude.
How very rude.
How rude.
I've never heard anything salacious on a butt call though, and I often listen.
I sit there and listen for minutes and minutes before hanging up, just hoping that something... Really?
Sexy will happen.
One time, the most fruity thing I ever heard was someone having an argument with their girlfriend while they were looking for a house.
Well, listen, you might be preempting stuff that people have sent in.
Okay, let's have a listen.
In fact, that story might be better than what's been sent in, but it's not, because there's some great stuff being sent in.
Brilliant, man, you got out of that really well.
Okay, here's one from Clarky in Liverpool.
I phoned my mutually childish friend whilst on my lunch, and without giving him a chance to say hello, I did an impersonation of Ben Kingsley from Sexy Beast, quoting that particularly offensive line.
Which a particularly offensive line.
They're all offensive.
This was followed by a pregnant pause on the end of the line.
He said he would phone me back.
He later told me that he was in his car with his wife's parents and my phone call diverted through his speakers for all to hear.
Oh, bad one.
Bad one, Clarky.
That happens.
You know, a thing that often happens is when a person obviously assumes they're going to be speaking to someone if you phone their mobile and someone else picks it up.
I mean, that happens a fair bit, doesn't it?
My dad sometimes, when I phone his mobile, at a certain time, like he expects calls from us only at a certain point in the day, and sometimes he thinks it's other people, and he'll do a funny voice?
No.
What'll he do?
Um, he'll just suddenly go out completely out of character.
You know, because you reserve like sometimes for your family members, you would never do a family, you never do a funny voice.
Well, that's the way it works in my family.
Right.
I don't know about yours, but with my family, I'm very formal and I'm very straight.
Okay.
Like, but with a friend, obviously I'd be crazy and goofy and do funny voices.
And so sometimes the boundaries slip a little.
And if you get busted by a member of your family doing a funny voice, like I'll phone up my dad, he'll think it's one of his mates or whatever.
And he'll be like,
No, no.
Who's that calling?
No!
Right.
Oh, hi, Daddy.
It's me.
It's Adam.
And he'll be all embarrassed.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, Adam.
Oh.
That's a bit sad.
Why does he feel he can't be relaxed and convivial?
And his fault is his fault.
He established the parameters.
It's not his fault.
It's the time that he was raised.
Maybe.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, okay, here's another one from Matthew Davy.
Hi Adam and Joe, while having lunch in the canteen where I used to work, my friend and I spent a good 15 minutes assassinating the character of another guy who worked there.
As we were getting particularly personal, I noticed he was sat directly behind my friend about 30 centimetres away with a group of his friends.
My friend was still ranting and I had to try and shut him up using the throat slashing cut gesture.
Bravely, we address the situation by leaving immediately without saying anything.
That's not telephone based.
No.
That's just talking in the world.
They probably owned telephone.
OK, and that makes it legitimate.
That's good.
Thank you, Matt in Bristol.
Here is one from Bertil Hogan in Kingston.
Brackets 10 points to the one who can pronounce my name correctly.
Do you want to have a go?
Let's have a look here.
Bertul Härgen.
That's right.
Bertel Haugen.
Let us know who gets the ten points.
Hello Adam and Jo.
My mum has a tendency to accidentally phone people from her mobile.
She was once in the car with my dad and they were talking about how irresponsible my younger brother is.
They were being quite forthright and maybe a little mean.
Unbeknownst to her, she'd accidentally phoned the brother and he was listening to the whole conversation on his mobile.
So I'm glad that really happens in real life because you see it in films sometimes and it doesn't necessarily ring true.
That's alarming.
The idea of one's parents discussing one, even when one... Am I saying one too much?
No, you're like the Queen.
Even when one is an adult is disturbing.
I mean, I remember as a kid in my bedroom, my parents had the bedroom beneath me being able to hear them going...
And I would be like, oh god, what are you saying?
What do I, I don't know, what do they think of me?
Do you remember that at all?
Yeah man, through the floorboard conversations.
So that's the sort of modern telephone equivalent.
But, with the... Hmm, this doesn't look terrible.
I don't think it looks terrible, really, it's fun.
Can I take a toothbrush?
I don't think I have a toothbrush.
Can I take a toothbrush?
Why are you laughing at that?
You're laughing at something.
No one understands what you're saying.
I don't know.
I can't even... I'm laughing because I can't even do the floorboard thing because I'm laughing so much.
No, okay, just kidding.
I'll make you that.
It is a conversation they had about my hair.
Well, it's so bad.
He's like, it's how I'm going to do things.
He's put, he's put like sand in it.
It's a stick of peroxide.
Oh, you don't have to play some music, I'm a bit helpless.
Okay, here's some music then.
What is it then?
Oh, this is a free play.
Yeah, man.
This is to relax you a little bit.
Eight-line poem from Hunky Dory.
This is one of the most relaxing bits of music ever recorded, I think.
A bit of David Bowie for you listeners.
That was his intention.
He just intended it as a chill-out tune to be played in Massage parlours and flotation tank.
Well, he did a good job then.
Enjoy.
That's the Mighty Coldplay with lovers in Japan.
Hey, this is Adam and Joe here on 6 Music.
I'm Adam.
My name's Joe.
Do you think 6 Music should be playing Coldplay?
Yeah, why not?
Because they're so big.
They're so huge.
They don't need 6 Music to play them.
You think we should be more in the margin?
Yes, I do.
Wow.
It's just my opinion.
Horses for courses.
Yeah, but horses for courses.
Oh, that's true.
I hadn't thought of that.
Yeah.
Well, that's put a different spin on it now, isn't it?
I feel like an idiot.
You are a bit of an idiot.
Horses for courses.
Hey, how about some more egg corns?
Yeah, come on then.
We've had some sent in.
What is an egg corn, Joe?
It's a misheard word or phrase.
Why is that funny?
Okay, more acorns.
Er, I was once playing, this is from Ray.
Ray Wake.
I was once playing a word game with my now husband Chris on a coach to Switzerland.
It involved thinking of words beginning with the letter W within the category of items of clothing.
I was completely confused when Chris came up with the item wire fronts, until I realised that for 19 years of his life he had thought the aforementioned item were actually wire fronts.
So-called, he presumed, because of the pieces of wire that held their shape.
There isn't any wire in wire fronts, though.
Maybe very thin wire, wire fronts.
Maybe he's got, like, special wire pants.
Maybe.
Chastity wire fronts.
That's good, though.
John Rankin, can we say, Ben the producer, the word that would be used to describe a female dog that begins with B without getting fired?
Please don't.
Really?
I said it earlier on, though.
What if I say it in the hip-hop phraseology?
Biarch.
You can say that.
You just said that.
Well, we've done it now.
Biarch.
Go on then.
OK, this is from John Rankin.
My wife has a friend called Lindsay who thought that the Prodigy's Smack My Biatch Up was called Smack My Big Chop.
Well, it should have been.
It should have been.
She's right, because the way it was before was a disgrace.
Alright, so those are the ones I've pre-read before reading out.
I'm now going off- You're going into uncharted territory.
I'm just going to the ones now that our beautiful assistant, Charlotte, has just labeled egg corn.
Okay, here we go.
Guy Bradshaw.
Dear Adam and Jo, Not sure if this work's written down, that's not promising, but my friend is always making great gaffs when he's at his most serious.
He was once making a serious point in a debate and referred to a phone-no-nominen.
A phone-nominen.
A phone-no-nominen.
A phone-nominen.
That's a fascinating phone-no-nominen.
He was later reading an article out and pronounced Peninsula as
No, I can't say that.
But you can guess that it has the word penis in it.
There you go.
Cheers to you Bradshaw.
Thanks.
Just a bit part of the male anatomy.
It's not a big problem.
Well, you can't be ashamed of something that God has given you.
Well, exactly.
Especially.
Or whoever.
Other deities are available.
Oh, I thought you meant someone else had given you.
What's the Santa?
I don't know, I don't know about your private life.
Hi guys, this is from John Cox.
A friend and I thought for years that Paul McCartney was singing Zippy's Having a Wonderful Christmas Time.
Well that's a different area of egg corns, isn't it?
Misheard song lyrics.
Is there a word for those?
There must be.
I don't know, music like corn.
Yeah, that is a bottomless pit, isn't it?
Oh, here's a good one.
This is from an anonymous texter.
Can we, if we have an anonymous texter, can we read the phone number out and then listeners who want to know their name can call them?
Is that good?
No.
No, all right.
It's been vetoed.
A former colleague of mine, feeling somewhat persecuted at work that day, turned to me for support, pronouncing, I'm being made a space goat.
an evocative image, I think you'll agree, a space goat.
That's very good.
Well, don't forget that we've got text donation as well, still open if you've got any phone disasters that you've been involved with.
We've got three more here.
I'm afraid we're not really being inundated.
No.
Some Texan nations work better than others, you know.
Apparently.
But this is one of the good ones.
Positive, nice little positive spin.
Yeah, thanks mate.
Put on the end there.
What now?
Is it free play time?
Oh, I thought you were holding them up in a tempting way, but no, let's have a little free... No, we've done my free play.
We've got Aztec camera for you right now, listeners.
Enjoy this to take us up to news time.
This is oblivious.
Roddy Frame and Aztec camera with oblivious from the past.
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very good.
The Salmon and John BBC 6 music, by the way.
I'm just filling with a quick identity stab.
No, that's nice, man.
Nicely done.
Thanks.
I'm just polishing off my sandwich here.
I've got an egg mayonnaise and bacon sandwich from the, uh, from the calf this morning.
It's a calf that I've frequented a couple of times, and each time I've got stuff from this particular calf, I have not enjoyed it.
Was it freshly made?
It was freshly made right in front of my eyes.
Really?
Which calf was it?
I can't tell you, obviously.
On Regent Street?
Not gonna tell you, but it was a calf and I'm not gonna go there anymore, obviously, but I've got this whole sandwich that I've got here.
I'm really not enjoying it.
I mean, it's not the worst sandwich in the world, but it's not that nice, but I'm really hungry.
So what do I do?
Am I going to throw it away?
How would you commit yourself to the whole sandwich?
Would you just eat it anyway or throw it away and then go for something later on?
That's the thing.
You're saying it's completely on that line where you don't know whether to eat it or not.
I could eat the rest of it, but I'm not going to enjoy it that much.
Is only half an hour of the show left I wouldn't eat it get a bit hungrier and then buy something nice from somewhere nice on the way I think really enjoy it.
Yeah, and send it to children in need.
That's a good idea, man Yeah, pudsy pudsy loves horrible egg mayonnaise sandwiches gonna send it's gonna stamp On it.
I'm just gonna know yeah, that's a good idea
It'll fit through the left box.
Fuzzy love stamped on egg mayonnaise.
You're already stamping on it.
You're doing it with your fist.
Anyway, listen, as if there's anything more important than that, here is the news.
That's a young band from the Midlands.
They're called Johnny Shuffle and the Shuffly Men.
And they're very exciting.
They're hotly tipped for 2009.
I think they're stupid and bad.
I don't ever get anywhere.
Johnny Shuffle is only four foot tall and he's very wide.
He's wider than he is tall.
Really?
That's why they call him the shuffling man.
And the rest of the shuffling men, uh, until recently worked in the porn industry.
And this is the first album that they've made with their clothes on.
And it's very exciting.
That was called, uh, Brown Sugar from the new album, Here Come The Shuffly Men, which is out next January.
No, no, that's true.
That's not true.
That was Rolling Stones with Brown Sugar.
The title was correct, though.
Brown Sugar.
Yeah.
So, listen, an interesting thing has happened with Text the Nation.
What, nothing?
Kind of.
But there were sort of two prongs to our interactivity this morning.
Well, it went kind of egg corn.
Exactly.
And to be honest, the egg corn thing has overtaken the whole call's gone wrong.
Fair enough.
It happens.
But here we go.
Here are a couple of calls gone wrong that are fit for reading.
This is from Dee in Preston.
I work in a social services call centre and I had someone on the phone and then she just disappeared.
I shouted out to everyone in the office to see if they were having problems with their phones and they weren't.
I was told I must have pressed a button on my phone and I said like, you know, I haven't read this before, it could just be like a non-story.
I was told I must have pressed a button on my phone and I said I couldn't have done because I was scratching my bum at the time.
At this point the woman...
Hey, that was exciting!
What happened?
Why did I get given this one?
What happened to the woman?
At this point, the woman reappeared as if by magic.
Fortunately, she had a good sense of humour and sometimes scratches her own bottom.
Come on, that's good!
What's scratching the bottom?
Let me go back through that.
Don't go back through it.
Well, I don't understand it.
What happened?
just move on all right d that was great uh this is one from tara hi adam and joe when i was a student studying architecture i had a summer job at a local architecture practice architecture i still can't say it i had a summer job at a local architectural practice i had to phone up an engineer called hammy anderson
Hammy Anderson.
Unfortunately, I couldn't get the name Hammy Hamster out of my head, and trutiform phoned up, gave my name and said, can I speak to Hammy Hamster, please?
With the whole of the open plan office listening.
I never lived it down and still teased about it, even though it was a good 15 years ago.
It's not good behaviour for Aquatec.
No, bad for architect.
I like the fact that 15 years later, that would be a good textination one day, like things that you're teased about and they're centuries old.
Right, right, right.
What would yours be though?
Have you still been architect?
Architect.
When you're 60, you'll still be getting people.
And here's another one.
This is starting to mutate into an egg corn one.
But you know what?
I haven't read it.
I thought of another egg corn.
No holes barred.
Yes.
Right.
Yeah.
Going around barring the holes where of course it's no holes.
No holes like in a fruit machine.
Exactly.
yeah here's here's another good one well someone's pointed out that batten down the hatches is actually baten the hatches were covered with canvas which was fastened in place by strips of wood ie battens says keith dewitt he's corrected us on stuff before keith dewitt well i'm sure he has i recognize his name maybe he should be our official facts man
That would be nice.
Here's a very good one on the subject of egg corns from Lynn Loudon.
She says, I thought I'd let you know about my wee mum, who is one of the funniest people I know, but she has no idea why.
She sometimes or often gets her words mixed up.
EG, she'd been on holiday and was telling me about the hotel room on her return.
Please adopt a slightly higher pitched, almost but not quite camp, Glaswegian accent.
Oh here it was lovely!
It had a swimming pool, a sauna and a kazoozie!
she genuinely thinks Alzheimer's disease is called old timers disease nothing is ever specific it's Pacific yeah that's a normal one with kids these days and lastly she called my lovely man on his 30th birthday and wished him happy Christmas
That's just slightly addled.
One more quick eggcorn.
Pacific is a very common one, isn't it?
I know.
Is that an eggcorn?
Not so much.
It's just idiocy.
Bad speaking.
Dear Adam and Joe, this is from Nancy Burns.
A couple of years ago, I went... This is a good one.
I went to get some photos developed while on holiday in Slovenia.
When the man asked for my name, I said Nancy, because that's my name.
When I went back the next day to pick up the photos, I found he had written Nazi on the front of the pack.
I didn't know enough Salivian to explain, so I just said thank you and left.
I'm still a bit embarrassed.
Nazi!
That brings everything rather beautifully full circle.
Here's the music now.
This is the Noisettes with Wild Young Hearts.
It took us a while to learn, the less is more room, didn't it?
That's weird, isn't it?
It's a bit weird to come out of a trail of us.
I'm not complaining, Ben.
I think it's... I'm not being passable, but it's weird.
No, it's just a weird phenomenon.
Yeah, to come out of a trail of us giggling like a couple of idiots.
We've got a little reverb on the end of the giggle there as well.
It's sort of super cool giggling.
Christmas giggles.
That's what you've got to look forward to.
It's a kind of meta effect, isn't it, Reverb?
It pushes you out of the moment and makes you look at it.
We should have that function during the show.
Well, Moyles has got that kind of thing, doesn't he?
Like if we say something that we're particularly pleased with.
Can we add effects on the desk here, Ben?
We'll give it a go.
I'm not serious.
I'm serious.
I'm not.
Come on, Moils has got to number one doing that kind of thing.
I think it's a fun thing to do, you know?
And Mark and Larg used to do that as well.
I mean, that's a DJ staple, is to have fun effects on the mixing desk there.
And I think we should do that.
2009, that's what you got to look forward to.
New effects.
You think more sort of widgets and bing-bongs on the show.
Yeah.
Funny effects like that.
What sort of George Lamb style features and yeah.
That's a good idea.
That'll be popular.
I think it will.
Yeah.
Come on.
What now?
It's your free play now.
Is it?
Is it really?
So this is the far side and I was talking earlier about finding all my little CDs, CD singles and finding some clean versions of hip-hop songs.
The far side are very difficult to play.
And I often, when I'm choosing my free plays, I listen to a song and think, oh, this is going to sound brilliant.
And then about a minute in, they say a dirty toilet word.
And I think, oh, you idiots, you ruined your chances.
You've let yourself down.
But this, you know, things are very sensitive at the castle at the moment.
There must be no dirty, naughty words at all.
And in hip hop, there are many words said and often very quickly and sometimes incomprehensibly.
So one has to listen to the tracks very thoroughly.
last night went in a slightly tired and tooty state and makes sure there's no, so I'm pretty sure, I'd say I'm 99.9999% sure, I'm 100% sure there are no rude words, that he may describe something that's naughty.
They're giving you insults for your mama.
So this could be our last show then.
Could be the last show.
It does sound as if he's talking about the other person's mama having nipples so long that they drag on the ground.
But luckily, you just said that, so if he says it, it's not like... Exactly, and plus he says knuckles.
Knuckles.
Yeah, and someone having long nipples would be absurd.
And sexy.
Would they be sexy, like really stringy long ones?
National Geographic-like ones, yeah.
Can we have the song?
This is the first time your mama is clean
That was all right, wasn't it?
That's all right, man.
That's the Far Side.
From Bazaar Ride to the Far Side, I do believe with Yo Mama.
It's good stuff, man.
Well, that's old now, isn't it?
Yeah, but they're brilliant to Far Side, those first two albums.
What's the Lab Cab in California?
Yeah, amazing.
And then, of course, the Fat Lip Solo stuff.
So amazing.
They did a couple of albums without Fat Lip, and I'm not sure they were so good.
No, once Fat Lip was out, the crew was on fire.
But they were playing in London, actually, the other week with Fat Lip.
I think the original lineup.
wicked.
I didn't go and see them.
No, God, you really missed out.
Yeah.
When Fat Lip got back with them, it was so wicked.
Roddy Hedge.
Roddy Hedge, absolutely.
I got a Christmas card, my first Christmas card this week.
Wowza.
Exciting.
Have you got any yet?
I think I've got a couple of corporate ones.
And it said on it, Happy Season.
Right, because it might be insulting to someone of a non-Jesus-worshipping situation.
Someone's secular.
You know, if someone is passionately secular and they get a card that says, Happy Christmas, just seeing the word, the name Christ, don't put that in my face with a robin underneath!
How dare you!
You ruined my season with just reminding me about that whole thing in the barn!
How dare you!
I'm going to phone them up later on and claim.
Right, I'm taking this card, I'm taking it to the person who sent it to me, and I'm going to shove it down their throat!
I'm going to shove it, I'm going to tear up the pieces of your Christmas card, I'm going to make you eat them!
To teach you a lesson that I don't want to be reminded about him all the time!
I hate you!
Scrappy-doo!
You've offended me!
HATE you!
So luckily that didn't happen because they just put happy season.
Man, that was quite cathartic, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was.
And also, the other ones you get are happy holidays.
Right.
What's your favourite secular greeting?
Enjoyable time, I would put on.
And what would be on the card?
Enjoyable time.
Close up of some tinsel.
No, that's too specific.
Right.
Just maybe blank.
Blank.
Yes.
A watch.
enjoyable time.
Focus the attention on time itself rather than why it could be that you're celebrating that time.
Yes.
Take it away from that.
That's a good idea.
Or be happy brackets on your own terms when you like closed brackets.
What about going completely the other way and being very specific?
Right.
Have a good time.
Jesus died for your sins.
Yes.
Why are you worshipping Christmas if you do not believe in Jesus?
I hope you burn in hell.
Yeah, that would be good.
And what would be on that card?
Somebody burning in hell.
Satan.
Very graphic.
Yeah, yeah.
Satan with a little robin red breast on his shoulder.
But that's not so good, is it?
It's not so cheery.
It's way provocative.
Yeah.
But it's not as bad as happy
Christmas Christmas.
Thanks very much.
Happy season.
No one's going to get offended by happy season either.
Season of Goodwill.
You're quite right.
Why would you be offended by that?
Do you send the Christmas cards?
Yeah, I've missed out last year, but I will do this year.
Yeah, you can look forward to quite an insipid one from the Buxton House.
Really?
You usually do nice ones of your kids in funny costumes.
Yeah, some people don't like kiddie Christmas cards, but it's fun.
I like them.
Dear funny, I don't send them.
Do you not know?
And we hardly receive them.
When did you stop sending them?
I didn't even start.
Did you never?
No, not at Christmas.
I feel like I've got a cornball Christmas card somewhere.
It's a waste of paper.
Your mum and dad are so good about sending us cards.
They're very good.
Well, you know, they're old school.
And they get thousands.
Yeah.
can hardly move in their house for cards.
Absolutely.
Ben's holding up a piece of paper saying, say goodbye, which cruelly interrupts that brilliant... Well, that's fair enough.
Fair enough.
Now listen, listeners, we do have to say goodbye.
We also have to remind you that our next couple of shows are pre-recorded, but they're Christmas crackers.
Next week is our special present giving show.
We get drunk during it.
but I hasten to add that I got slightly drunk because I don't really drink and I had some champagne and it all went wrong but I hasten to add we pre-recorded it in an afternoon even though it'll sound like evil though I said evil though that was my true nature slipping out even though I am evil
It was recorded during the afternoon, so it's not as terrible as it might sound.
Check it out.
It's good.
And don't forget, of course, to download the podcast.
It'll be available sometime on Monday right now.
And don't forget to stay tuned for Liz Kirchill.
That's the last thing you don't have to forget.
And now it's time for a bit of Velvet Underground, I think, before we conclude.
Have a wonderful week.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks to everybody who texted and emailed.
We will see you live again in a couple of weeks.
Take care.
Love you.
Bye.