Hello and welcome to the big British castle.
It's time for...
How was my granddad, Uncle Raymond?
Even though he's my granddad, we call him Uncle Raymond.
And that was some of his friends as well.
Uncle Raymond's friends, Barry... He's not planning to release that, is he, Uncle Raymond?
No, no, it's just a lark about.
No, it's just for fun, because it's very dated sounding.
It sounds like it's from the olden dates.
Yeah, it's from the olden dates.
They get together in the shed.
How old is he, your granddad?
He's over 78.
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
Yeah, they're all 78s.
How nice of you to play it on the air.
And they hang together.
I told him I would because he loves the show.
Yeah, yeah.
He listens to the show and he thinks it's a lot of fun and he said, you know, me and some of the chaps have done a new song.
Maybe you could play that on your programme.
He sounds more like the Icelandic goblin.
Yes, he's from the other week.
He has come from Iceland sometimes, he goes to Iceland sometimes.
Really?
Along with Mum, yes.
And he's back.
You're lying that this whole thing's a lie.
That was Bono.
And U2 would get your boots on.
The first single from U2's new album, No Line on the Horizon.
Oh my goodness, you're right.
It does sound exactly like my Uncle Raymond's stuff though, which is very good.
I don't know who should be more ashamed.
Hey, good morning listeners.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music, back after... How long have we been away for?
Two weeks?
Two weeks.
Yeah, two weeks.
Very happy to be back.
Thank you very much for listening, especially if you're listening live to this very early part of the show, which is, I always feel a very special little nook.
It's the VIP zone.
Exactly.
For early adopters.
Right.
You know, people who are still half asleep?
Yeah.
Radio mavens.
Exactly.
It's kind of a surreal flange of an area.
And what a lot has happened.
just as soon as we went away.
I mean we were talking about this in the pre-record that we did that was broadcast not last week but the week before.
What about the world changing massively?
Yes, speculating about what might happen while we were away and all the things that we would not be able to talk about.
But now we can and we can cover them all in lurid detail.
Obama being sworn in.
I mean, some of these we won't talk about, obviously.
Jonathan Ross returning.
Did you watch his show when he came back?
No, I was in America.
Of course you were.
The Ice Age has begun.
Missed that as well.
In England, we're still going on.
Yeah, melting by the time I got back.
There's still lots of snow lying around everywhere, and it's gonna be bad this week as well.
Is it?
I hope so.
Yeah, I feel like I've missed out.
I want a rerun.
You're gonna get some, uh, Thatcher, Carol Thatcher, racist tirade, uh, Jeremy Clarkson, insane comments about our glorious PM, and of course Christian Bale.
We'll cover some of those topics a bit later on, won't we?
Yes.
And we have great music for you.
We have a special guest in the studio this week that we'll tell you about later on.
We're going to resolve Danny Wallace's song wars.
What was Danny's sidekick called?
Very nice chat.
Gromit.
Wallace and Gromit.
What was his name?
The fella...
Rich Glover.
Did you hear them at all?
No, I haven't heard them.
They were very good.
Oh.
I only listened to the beginning, just to keep up with things.
But his sidekick, Rich, was posher than both of us combined.
He effects a certain extra poshness when he's on the radio, I think.
What, the sidekick?
Yeah, Richard.
Do you think?
Yeah, I know Richard.
I've acted and... He sounds posher than you and I, swapped in a matter transference pod with the Queen.
Well, he does a very good impression of, what's his name?
More.
Kenneth More.
Right.
That's one of the things he does when he's doing stand-up.
And it's very funny indeed.
Yes, he kind of talks like this, doesn't he?
He's almost like Prince Charles sometimes.
Too posh to move.
Yeah.
As if he's so classy, he's bedridden.
He's a very nice guy.
And it was a pleasure to be stood in by him.
I'm not saying he's not nice.
Well, what are you saying then?
I'm saying he's posher than us.
Well, he's jealous.
Which is exciting.
No, I'm pleased.
There's someone posher than us.
Yeah.
Well, we're going to hear.
They did songs about who was better, Adam or Joe.
I heard the songs.
I'm telling their listeners.
Yeah.
If they didn't know.
And we're going to hear them later on.
I'm excited to hear that.
We'll be doing that within the next hour, I think.
But now let's play some music.
This is LaRue with Quicksand.
Yes, that's LaRue with Quicksand.
I was hoping that might be Lady Gaga.
Have you heard about Lady Gaga?
Everybody's heard about Lady Gaga.
Have you heard Lady Gaga?
Yeah, I only heard her this morning.
What's she like?
Well, I thought you'd heard her.
Yeah, but just talking just in the street.
Right.
Not actually singing.
She's vocoded quite heavily, which I was a bit disappointed by.
She's supposed to be sort of taking Madonna's crown, right?
She's risen up through the New York clubs, she's done her time properly, you know, she's kind of a performance artist type.
I thought she'd be able to sing, or at least give it a try, but she's heavily vocoded.
Are you excited about her?
Well, I'm very old, it's hard to get excited about anything now except comfy chairs.
Lady Gutt, a good name though, isn't it?
Ga-ga-goo-goo.
Yeah.
You know, pitching it quite simple for the toddlers at the baby market.
Lady Ga-ga.
What would be a simpler name for that?
Mr. Poopoo?
Toddlers would like him.
That's going to be my stage name.
Mr. Poopoo?
Yeah.
Well, I think you'll do very well.
Thank you.
There's a quote from Lady Gaga from the Guardian in Privatize Suits Corner this week.
You know Suits Corner in Privatie?
Right.
Quote, Lady Gaga says, I went to a lovely school and I got an incredible education.
And I actually think that my education is what sets me apart because I'm very smart.
She taps her head.
Smart.
Quote, I don't know that my schooling was conducive to wild ideas and creativity, but it gave me discipline, drive.
They taught me how to think.
I really know how to think.
She searches for an example.
If I decide to make a coat red in the show, it's not just red, she explains.
I think.
Is it communist red?
Is it cherry cordial?
Is it ruby red?
Is it apple red?
Or the big balloon red?
I mean, there's so many different kinds of red.
And so you have to say, well, what are we trying to say in this scene?
Is it a happy red?
A sad red?
A lace red?
A leather red?
A wool red?
It's like there's so many components to making a show and making art and my school taught me how to think that way.
That's a good school.
Where did she go to school, I wonder?
What's big balloon red?
Oh, it's very red.
You know, it's like the balloons they used to have for Milton Keynes.
Was it Milton Keynes?
Does she mean big top red?
No.
No, big red balloons.
Big balloon red.
Yeah, big balloon.
Do you not familiar with big balloon red?
Well, I haven't been educated to the level of Lady Gaga.
I don't know what that means.
I mean, I think it's fair enough to cite big balloon red.
It's like fire engine red.
You know, it's a vivid... Fire engine red, yes.
Big balloon red.
Same sort of thing, yeah.
What about clown nose red?
That would have been acceptable as well.
Yeah.
Just not big balloon red.
Spanked bottom red.
I wish I was as clever as Lady Gaga.
I like people who say, you know, the thing about me is that I'm really intelligent.
I love it when people call attention to how intelligent they are.
It's like when Sylvester Stallone started wearing glasses and doing oil paints.
Yeah.
That kind of thing.
at least intelligence as a career move kind of thing he never actually came out and said I suddenly discovered that I'm very intelligent you pretty much did more or less but it's it's acceptable if you start changing your image I mean it's barely acceptable fair enough but when people actually say you know I have a very high IQ my IQ is unusually high you just think well it's not quite high enough
You realise that's an idiotic thing to say.
Yeah, exactly.
It's fun.
Shall we have some more music?
Yeah, will it be Lady Gaga?
No, unfortunately not.
This is probably Lady Gaga's... What radio station is this?
Great, great granddad.
I know, this is slightly old.
And it's more Van Morrison.
I played some Van Morrison the other day.
But this is not Ringworm or any kind of contractual obligation, Van Morrison.
But it's a lovely slice of early Morrison called Spanish Rose.
I've got a mouthful of carrot, Joe.
Can you fill for a little bit?
Yeah, that was Van Morrison.
What was that one called?
Spanish Rose.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was very nice.
That was Adam's free play.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Now we were away for the last two weeks and last Saturday, Danny Wallace filled in and did a very, very good job and did, they did their own song wars, didn't they?
That's right.
Now I got quite upset about that.
I was working in America and I woke up in the middle of the night
And someone sent me an email saying, oh, Danny Wallace and his friend are going to do song wars.
And I suddenly felt that they were stealing our segment.
I felt slighted.
So I fired off quite an angry email, didn't I, Ben?
And it said, I CC'd you as well.
It said, look, I'm quite annoyed.
Does anyone else feel that Wallace is stealing our segment?
There was something else I was annoyed about that was really stupid as well.
What was it, Ben?
Surely you've been scarred by it.
Oh yeah, no, it was the fact that it was not possible for people to vote about our previous improvised song wars.
Yeah, we did improvised song wars the other week and they hadn't been put up on the website and we'd mentioned in the podcast that we were going or in the show we were going to do.
Anyway, these were very silly trivial things, but I got quite angry about them and fired off some furious emails.
I would say that it was justified for you to be slightly miffed about the improvised song wars thing, because yours was so good, but that, in a way, I was pleased about it, because I didn't want people to vote for that, because mine was just barely coherent.
Yeah.
When I improvised my song, you came out with something really quite inspired.
Yeah, I just wanted to get that off my chest anyway.
Yeah.
Just to make it clear that I don't really feel angry about those things.
You can't go down there.
But you know what, now that I've heard Danny and Rich's song wars, I'm angry again.
The glove box.
Why are you angry?
Because they're so good.
Yeah.
And I'm threatened.
Now these songs are about us.
Do we know who picked which... Yeah, Danny went for you and Rich went for me.
and we can't obviously play the full songs again but they did they play them live in the studio they had a guitar and they played them live did they they I hope they did they sang live they sang live over backing tracks and did they you were in the studio at the time were you Ben yes did they have the lyrics written down yes they actually wrote them down
I haven't heard these.
Joe is talking about the fact that they're very, very freeform.
They've, you know, I don't want to sound pompous or anything, but they don't seem to know anything.
They didn't even know anything about us.
Yeah.
If I was writing a song about someone, I would have done a search on Wikipedia.
But you see, very few people with proper jobs and lives are willing to spend three days writing a song for a radio show.
Well, clearly.
Because your song, Danny Wallace's song about you just went along the lines of Adam, Adam, he's brilliant.
It's true.
Adam, he's brilliant.
That's true.
It may have said you had a beard, he's got a beard.
That's also true.
Yeah, and that was pretty much it.
That's factually accurate.
Then Rich's song about me, it missed the brilliant, the stuff about me being brilliant.
I'm sorry.
It just went Joe Cornish, Joe Cornish, he's really, really tall.
That's true.
It referred to me as a sidekick, which I found demeaning, and then it said he's tall, Cornish, I don't know much about him, he's tall, and then it sort of tapered off.
So this explains your obvious latent fury about him earlier in the show.
It's not latent, I told you, they've made me angry again.
Yeah.
And, uh, I just think that not only have they stolen our segment, but they've covertly insulted me.
He called him a sidekick.
That's pretty harsh.
And they withheld the brilliant as well.
Well, let's find out who won now and we're gonna hear the winning song all over again.
Well, I think it's screamingly obvious who's won.
Because, you know, Rich's won only just constituted a song.
Didn't really have a melody.
Richard gets 43%, but Danny wins with 56%.
So quite close.
And Danny and Rich, I don't mean to be, just in case you're listening, I doubt is, but if you are listening, I don't mean to insult you at all.
It's terrific of you to fill in for us and do those songs.
Triff.
It was really triff.
It's just that... Just don't ever look at me and talk to me again.
Yeah, exactly.
You know, if you're gonna sing a song about me, you're gonna make it really flattering.
There was an awful lot of other impressive stuff they could have said about you as well.
I know.
And they just went for Tall and Withheld the Brills.
Anyway, let's hear Danny Wallace's song about me.
We have to.
This is a story about two men.
One is called Adam and is brilliant.
The other is called Joe and he knows Adam.
But really this song is about Adam, the brilliant one I said about.
Joe's goodness almost, like he's quite tall, but being quite tall is not the same as being the same size as Adam.
OK?
I know a man named Adam and he knows another little man named Joe And together they got together and pulled out a digital radio show But enough about Joe, that's all anyone knows, cause the whole world rolls around Adam He's Adam, he's Adam, rhymes include sadam and madam Scradam
Because Adam, oh Adam Buxton, more compact than his sidekick, but only 5% less bucks.
Some his work with the oboe really knows how to reach ya.
He played friendly teacher and son of Rambo, which was spelt wrong, but that's fine.
He wasn't teaching spelling, that would have been a boring film and it was brilliant, but only cause of Adam, little Adam Buxton.
Oh madam, he's a madman, it is Adam.
Scr-scr-scr-Adam.
You see- Yeah, yeah, no, I understand that.
The idea there would be that Richard would have come back with an equally over-the-top flattering song about me, you know?
Well, that wasn't that flattering.
I'm more compact than you was the upshot of that one.
Well, you know, we're both quite sensitive souls.
You're in trouble anyway with the basic premise.
But, I don't know, I feel nothing but bruised and- I don't think they- you know what, I think-
I think they were misusing the word sidekick.
I don't think they were using it to mean, like, the less important of a pair.
I think they were just meaning, like, the other half.
You know, I'm happy to be described as a sidekick, but it's just my other talent.
Also, maybe they meant psychic.
Maybe they meant I was telekinetic psychic.
Yeah, maybe they did.
Because you do have special mind powers.
So that's not going to go on the overall thermometer score chart.
Fundraiser, Blue Peter thermometer, is it?
The overall Song Wars score chart.
No.
no they're not representing us now that's in the past yeah that's that's a freak it's an anomaly can we erase those from the castle vaults but a sincere thank you though to richard lover and to danny wallace for filling in for us yeah uh lots of people came up to me in the week and said how good they were and i had to have the conversation several times about like they weren't they weren't like better than us were they and they were like
Well, they were quite good, was what I heard.
Well, that's a good thing, isn't it?
Because we could maybe take more time off.
That's right.
And they could fill in and that would be all all right.
Get the Yes Man in the glove box in.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Right, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Here's a bit of M Ward right now.
Ben, our producer, has made... We've got little information sheets that tell us what we're playing and all that kind of thing.
And this week he's gone to town, he's got the colour photocopies, inserted little colour pictures in there and stuff.
There's a picture of M Ward here.
He looks like quite a sort of grumpy man, which doesn't surprise me having heard some of his music.
He's from Portland, Oregon and he's chosen to work under the name M Ward, as this was his nickname when he was younger, it says on Ben's colourful fact sheet.
He says it's more to the point and more formal.
It's a fun fact.
Thanks, Ben.
Good job, man.
And here's M Ward with Never Had a Nobody Like You.
Very good stuff.
M Ward with Never Had a Nobody Like You.
This is Adam and Jo on 6 Music from the BBC, the big British castle.
And it's almost 9.30, almost time for the news.
I want to be absolutely on the, like, dot of 9.30 when I introduce the news.
So I'm going to carry on talking as if I was on just a minute.
for another 10 seconds on the subject of apples.
I love apples.
My favourite kind of apple is the Fuji apple, which I believe comes from a part of Japan.
It's delicious.
It's 9.30.
Time for the news.
Sir Bob Dylan with like a rolling stone.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC 6 Music.
What?
That isn't Bob Dylan.
Do you really think that's Bob Dylan?
It says Bob Dylan like a rolling stone.
That's the Rolling Stones with Tumbling Dice.
It's the new pages you've got to turn over.
That was the Rolling Stones with Tumbling Dice.
Come on Grandad.
Oh dear.
Now listen, a couple of weeks ago listeners, or in fact I think it was three weeks ago, we had an email from a gentleman called Ollie Blake.
who wrote the following can I come on your show please don't want to say anything just want to be there and feel the magic swirling around the studio whoosh thanks Ollie Blake
Um, so we arranged for him to come into the studio, didn't we?
But then that week he was ill.
He claimed that he was ill.
So we had him on the phone and he was only allowed to communicate by scratching the receiver.
Yeah.
And you're being very strict about this, so if it was up to me, I would sort of just let the guy speak and stuff.
But you've been fairly hard line about the fact that he shouldn't make any noise.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, the email said, can I come on your show, please?
I don't want to say anything.
But why then do you think it's a good idea to get that person on a radio program?
because it's exciting and more interesting.
And, you know, some of the best radio is the theatre of the mind, right?
Is it?
Yeah.
You know?
Like what?
Which kind of programme?
When I did my training for Radio 4 for the film show, they told me that it was actually quite good to describe visual stuff, like a painting or a scene in a film, because radio is very good at painting pictures in people's heads.
It's like, you know, reading a book and imagining the characters.
And it's apparently, I was told in my training, something that people sometimes avoid, that they shouldn't.
And it's actually quite good.
So I'm thinking that Ollie, if we treat him as a visual work rather than an aural work, it might be exciting for the listeners.
Because this week, the point of this whole thing is this week he is here in the studio.
He's come
all the way from the place where he lives somewhere near Stansted.
We could ask him where he lives, but of course, if he said anything, we would have to eject him immediately from the studio.
Looking at him, I would say that he comes from near Stansted Hairport.
If you want to look at Ollie, you can go on the Six Music website and look on the webcam.
He's not facing the webcam at the moment, so you'll get who he is now.
Stand up and face the webcam, Ollie.
Please, Ollie.
And don't move.
And we explained to Ollie, you have to stand there for a while because it uploads, it refreshes every few, like 20 seconds or whatever.
We explained to Ollie that we may well sort of treat him in a slightly demeaning or humiliating fashion just because of the nature of
this interview that we're conducting.
Can we call it an interview?
It might turn into an interview, yeah.
And he's fine with that.
He signed a waiver and a disclaimer.
There's no way he's going to turn around in three weeks and suddenly claim that the evil BBC has ruined his life.
As possible.
Uh, I would describe him as tall.
Is he as tall as you, Joe?
No.
No, not quite.
No one's as tall as me.
No one's as tall as Joe Cornish.
He's pretty tall.
He looks as if he's from a... The kings of Leon, maybe.
Right.
Maybe... Is that bad?
He's looking a bit... He's looking a bit miffed.
Well, he looks a bit more Devendra Bernhardt than kings of Leon, I would say.
He looks as if he doesn't know who that is.
He nearly spoke.
Careful, Ollie.
Uh, he's more a kind of folk, a beardy, folky pixie man.
I asked him to bring in some stuff which he could communicate with, make some noises with, so he's bought in a wooden spoon and a frying pan.
So, Ollie, when we spoke to you on the phone, we had a one knock for yes, two knocks for no thing going, didn't we?
So, welcome to the studio, Ollie.
Yes.
There he is.
Are you enjoying your time here so far?
Yes, he is.
What else can we ask him?
Is this exactly as you expected?
Yes, as you expected.
Yes, it is.
It's exactly as you expected.
And you said you wanted to be here and feel the magic swirling around the studio.
Can you feel any magic?
Take a bit of thinking about he's thinking about the second one there, but he's sticking with yes.
That's good.
That's the correct answer That's the best way to go if you don't want to antagonize us necessarily unnecessarily ollie It's very exciting to have you here.
We're going to be speaking at you further in along in the program Well done and remember if you want to look at ollie, then you can do so on the webcam How old would you say ollie is?
Me, I'd say he was about 24, 25.
Are you 25, Ollie?
21.
You're 21.
He's 21.
That's a good beard for 21.
Yeah.
He's got a beard.
21.
He's half our age.
Is he?
Pretty much.
Not really.
Wow.
Those couple of years count.
That's good.
Well done, Ollie.
If you're hoping to hear Ollie, then you're out of luck.
He's making a giggling noise.
You're not going to hear any Ollie throughout the show.
And Ollie, did you hear me referring to you as Ollie the Wally a few weeks back?
Were you upset about that?
No.
He doesn't look like he means that, though.
He was putting a face as if maybe he was a little bit hurt.
We'll be back with Ollie later on in the programme.
We're going to play some more music right now, though.
This is Empire of the Sun, which actually could get us into a bit of Christian Bale news, couldn't it, after this?
I say news.
It's not exactly news, but we have things to say about it, or at least I do.
I'd like to hear your opinions about the whole thing.
But this is the band Empire of the Sun, who I believe used to be the Sleepy Jackson.
It's the guy from Sleepy Jackson, isn't it?
And he's rebranded himself as a kind of more ridiculous version of the Sleepy Jackson, and they're all painted up, and they look like Aztec ponces.
They look like a combination of MGMT and the Mighty Boosh, and something even more ludicrous looking than that.
I haven't heard any of it yet, though.
I'm interested to hear what walking on a dream sounds like.
Here it is.
There you go, that's Bob Dylan, again.
Like a Rolling Stone.
Like a Rolling Stone, brilliant.
All the big Dylan tracks here on BBC Six Music.
Empire of the Sun, that was with Walking on a Dream, the new weedy sound of the 80s, back again for your listening pleasure.
I enjoyed that though.
Yeah, I like that as well.
That was very good.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Now, unless you've been living under a rock for the last week or so, which actually a lot of people seem to have been.
I was in the large gathering of people last night.
I don't know if you've ever met any people, Joe.
They're amazing.
They're all different shapes, sizes, colours, that kind of thing.
They have different opinions and clothes.
Right.
And a surprising number of them were not aware of the fact that the actor Christian Bale
had a tirade recorded last July.
What was this large group of people?
It was the second time you mentioned it this morning.
It was the first time on air.
Well, they were just people.
You know, party people.
A party, a dinner party.
It was like a party.
There wasn't a dinner party, it was like a birthday party.
A birthday party.
And I would say that certainly there was no one younger than me there.
Right.
So it was a fairly middle-aged gathering.
Right.
But they weren't, you know, and I would imagine that most of our listeners here would have heard the Christian Bale tape that has been circulated on the internet.
If you haven't heard it, and you're listening to this program, let me tell you that this was something that was recorded when Christian Bale was filming a film called Terminator 4.
What is it?
Salvation.
Terminator 4 Salvation, directed by Mcgee, who directed Charlie's Angels, among other wonderful things.
And he was filming last July when this incident occurred, and it was a stressful time for Bale anyway, wasn't it, I think.
Was it?
Apparently so.
He was having lots of personal problems.
Right.
And one day his anger and his passion and intensity, which served him so well as an actor in his many roles, spilled over and was directed at a lighting guy.
No, the DOP, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Who had stepped into the, like, and Christian Bale's eye line, so the camera was on Bale, but Bale, who was looking at the actor Bryce Dallas Howard, could also see the DOP walking behind her, and it kind of put him off his swing.
Apparently, it was one of the most intense scenes of the film, which required, you know, Bale to be in a pitch of feverish excitement, and it totally threw him off.
So he went nuts at the DOP, who was called Shane Hurlbut.
And the exchange was captured on sound tape.
Is that what they use in the movie?
Yes.
Sound tape.
Well described.
And the tape has just recently been circulated.
It's a bit weird that suddenly it's just come to light like in the last week or so.
Why would that be?
Is someone trying to stitch him up, I wonder?
Has there been speculation about that?
There hasn't actually.
That's a good question.
Anyway, you told me that he apologized recently, because he really goes mad at this guy, and refuses to accept the DOP's apology, and just keeps on going on and on about what a useless amateur this guy is.
And in fact, I was thinking that maybe, because we can't play any clips, someone was saying they played a clip accidentally on the BBC, on BBC One yesterday morning on the Breakfast Show or whatever, and they forgot to edit out all the profanity, of which there is a great deal.
but we're not going to take that chance.
What we're going to do for you listeners is a special re-staged version of the Christian Bale tirade, but this is how it would be if I was involved with it, I would think, you know?
I can imagine I'm on the set of Hot Fuzz.
Let's face it, you've had your fair share of tirades on this programme.
Yeah, exactly.
And I can completely relate to Bale as an actor, as a fellow actor, and as another actor who is very intense in many of his roles, like I am.
I completely related to Bale going nuts on Shane Hurlbut's butt.
And we're going to recreate this moment for you right now.
Joe, you're going to play the part of Shane Hurlbut.
How do you want me to do it?
The DOP.
I don't know, man.
You just feel your way through it.
I mean, you've heard the tape, right?
Yes, I have.
He's fairly deferential in the tape.
Yep, yep, yep.
He's quite intimidated.
And then you're also going to be playing Bruce Franklin.
Who's he, the producer?
I don't know who he is.
Well, he's Bruce Franklin pops up every now and again and also much G. You're gonna be playing the director He is yeah, he's genius.
Is he called Mcgee because he's a Mcgenius.
Yes.
Yes, correct.
Okay.
Are you ready?
Yes, I'm ready Okay, so we the tirade begins right in the middle
KICK YOUR FLIPPIN' BUM!
Christian?
No, I want you off the flippin' set, you pranit!
Christian, I'm sorry.
No, no, don't just be sorry.
Think for one flippin' second.
What the flip are you doing?
Are you professional or not?
Yes, I am.
No, no, don't- wha- what?
Do I flippin' walk around and- Christian, Christian- No, no, no, shut the flip up, Bruce.
No, no, don't shut me up!
I'm not shutting you up.
Well, don't!
Yeah, am I gonna walk around then and rip your flippin' lights down in the middle of a scene?
Then why the flip are you walking right through... Like this in the background.
I mean, what the flip is it with you?
Why, what don't you flippin' understand if you've got any flippin' idea about, hey, it's flippin' distracting, having someone walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the flippin' scene, giving me a flippin', you know, give me a flippin' answer!
What don't you get about it?
I was looking at the light.
Oh good for you good for and how was it was it?
Was it I hope it was flippin good because it's useless now, isn't it?
Flip say man.
I mean you're an amateur, but gee, but gee Have you got any have you got flippin something to say about this planetarium?
Somebody should be flippin watching and keeping an eye on him
Well, you know, it's the second time, and he doesn't give a flip about what's going on in front of the camera.
I'm trying to be flipping, doing a scene here, and I'm going, why the flip is Shane walking around there?
What's he doing?
You know, do you understand?
My mind is not in the scene if you're doing that!
Look, I absolutely apologise.
I'm sorry, I did not mean anything right.
Well, stay off the flipping set, man, for flip's sake!
Right, let's go again.
Let's just take a minute.
No, let's not!
Take a flippin' minute!
Let's go again!
You're unbelievable!
You are un-flippin' believable!
Number of times, you're strolling around and flipping around in the background.
I have never had a DOP behave like this.
I mean, you don't flippin' understand what it's like working with actors.
That's what it is.
That is what it is, man.
I'm telling you.
I'm not asking.
I'm telling you.
You would not have done that otherwise.
No, look, what it is, I'm just looking at the light and making sure that you're not
Right!
This is when he kicks off.
Is that real?
Yeah, I accidentally fell off my chair there.
Kick off.
Right!
I'm gonna kick off.
I am going to flippin' kick your flippin' bottom if you don't shut up for a second, alright?
Do it one more flippin' time.
I'm walking off this set if you're still hired.
I am flippin' serious.
You're a nice guy.
You're a nice guy, but don't flippin' cut it when you're bullpooping and flippin' around like this on the set.
I ain't the one walkin', all right?
Let's get Tom and put this thing back on and let's go again.
Seriously, man, you and me, we're flippin' done professionally, you flippin' bottom.
That was like Justin Lee Collins having some kind of a fit.
Yeah, it's a little bit as if JLC was in his first movie role, which will happen at some point.
And that was recreated.
I just fell off my chair and hurt my hand.
That was so dramatic.
I got really into it.
I got so overexcited.
Because I can totally sympathise, you know.
But you know, Christian Bale is from Bournemouth.
Wasn't he born in Bournemouth?
Is he Welsh?
No, he was born in Bournemouth and then brought up, I think, his parents divorced.
So he was brought up half in southern England and half in California.
Yeah.
So one of the funniest things about the actual recording is the way his accent goes all over the shop.
Well, when did his accent become so Americanised?
I think it was always Americanised when he was a kid.
No, it wasn't.
Yeah, it was, because his parents were divorced and he was half-bought up in America.
But in Empire of the Sun he's very English.
Because he's acting.
He's acting!
He's playing an actual British child.
So he changes his voice to adopt the part of the British person.
Yes.
That's how it works.
That's how actors work.
Um, there we go.
Well, that was extremely powerful.
Adam performed that with such energy that he actually came off his chair and injured himself.
My chair and hurt my hand.
I think we should have a little bit of music.
This is a free choice from me.
This is Dudley Perkins with testing me.
Very well done.
This little session there from the Ravenettes, they were playing in the hub for Gideon Ko on the 15th of July 2005, and that track was called Love in a Trash Can.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music, and we are joined in the studio by our silent guest, Ollie, aka Ollie the Wally.
Ollie, now you witnessed that extraordinary piece of theatre that happened there with Adam doing the... restaging the Christian Bale outburst.
I was saying that I pitched it too high.
I wanted to... the whole point of doing it was... We're not doing it again.
...was that it was supposed to be a bit more pathetic than that, but I went in too hard.
Right.
And I think I've broken my hand.
Let's let Ollie be the judge of that.
Ollie, do you think that was a successful piece of radio?
I mean, hang on, it's a long question.
It's going to be quite a complicated question that's going to require a yes or no answer.
Do you think that was a successful piece of radio?
And do you think when Adam fell off the chair, how did you feel?
You can tap out the rhythm if you want.
Oh, that's interesting.
So that's, it's confused.
It's a sort of yes and no, which meant that you were confused by the whole thing, which is, I think, a fair representation of probably the majority of the audience.
None of my grand plans ever will work out.
No, a lot of them do.
You can't win them all.
I thought it was good.
I went in too hard.
It was good.
If there's any nurses listening that can treat a sprained or broken hand, I would really appreciate your assistance.
Let me further describe Ollie for our listeners, just to shift the emphasis onto him for a second.
You know who he reminds me of?
And I was trying to pin it down as soon as I met him, and I just suddenly remembered.
He is like Naboo from the Mighty Boosh.
Is he now?
He's taller than Naboo.
Yeah, he's taller.
But he's definitely got something of the Naboo about him.
Imagine Naboo with a beard and a bit more hair and a cool leather jacket and no turban.
I would say that is a fair description of Ollie.
Do you know what, when I look at someone like Ollie, who is a good looking man, very well turned out, very well dressed, I wonder what you were like before you settled on that look.
Do you know what I mean?
I'm sure you're a man who hasn't always looked as well groomed and sort of as well presented.
Because you could have stepped off the cover of the NME, or out of a thrusting new indie band, right?
If you scowled a bit.
These are all compliments.
Because Ollie's quite a smiley person, although we've been talking about our favourite films, and he revealed to me that he doesn't like feel-good films.
In fact, his favourite film is 28 Days Later, which is by no means a feel-good film.
So at the moment, Ollie's going through quite a dark phase, I think.
We're catching him in his sort of evil face.
He's got his evil beard.
There's something of the cult leader about him, you know?
A little bit of the Manson.
Yeah.
He had a little swastika on his forehead.
That would be a bad idea.
Now you're just being rude.
Have you ever felt like forming a sort of murderous sex cult, Ollie?
Come on.
Yeah, that's the correct answer.
That was two yeses.
Let's play some more music right now.
Here's Franz Ferdinand.
They're so hot right now!
Do you enjoy the new sound of Franz Ferdinand, Ollie?
Oh, come on.
This is what she came for.
Franz Ferdinand, what she came for.
You know, I'm not so sure about that one.
I was more of a fan of Ulysses than that one.
Right.
Ulysses.
But, you know, that was all good, clean fun from the mighty Franz Ferdinand there.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Now, Joe, the other day I was on the train coming to London from Norwich and I went to sleep.
because I was very tired, had quite a sleepless night with the baby the night before and I nodded off and when I woke up there was a little piece of newspaper, scrap of newspaper.
Thank God for that, I thought you were going to say something else.
There was a little scrap of newspaper on the table next to me on the train.
And someone had written Adam on it, with a little smiley face underneath.
And inside I opened it up and it said, Stephen!
Or is it Stephen?
So the person had spelt it both ways, P-H and E-V-E-N.
Strange that, because we've had a text message that reads as follows, Dear Adam and Joe, I was in the queue at a shop in Norwich station yesterday buying my journey sandwich when who should walk past me but Adam Buxton in the flesh as opposed to a hologram or an actor playing you.
I was quite excited and then more so when I realised that we were in the same carriage
I really wanted to say something, but didn't want to disturb Adam or draw attention by doing a Steven.
So, in spy-like ninja fashion, I wrote it on a little piece of paper and made my move.
It was perfect as you were sleeping, Adam, when I walked past and I dropped it on your table.
But did you get it?
When you walked past me to get off the train, I wanted to say hello, or at least smile, but suddenly became very shy and worried that you might have felt a bit stalked.
And then I wanted to give you a wave.
and when you walk past the window but you must have gone the other way as I never saw you again and my elation quickly turned to deflation I should have told you how much Jason my fiance and I love the show Jason how much it makes us laugh in our little hut in chroma but I didn't and I'm so and then the message ends it must continue on a different message
We need to find that other message.
We don't know the name of the person, even.
Do you know what that sounds like to me as a trained psychologist?
Yeah, Dr. Villag.
Dr. Villag.
This anonymous texter is in love with you.
Right.
And would rather marry you than Jason.
Jason.
And wanted to say that to you.
Yeah.
But was so consumed by love and affection and passion and confusion and fury and all the things that one feels when one's around you.
Adam.
that she was unable to contain herself.
You know what, I'm almost certain I know who the person is.
What, you recall looking at them or you actually know them socially?
No, I recall looking at this lady who was sat a few seats in front of me and she sort of held my gaze for a while in a way that I thought maybe was a, you know, it was a recognizing one.
But I didn't obviously acknowledge it because you don't what was she like?
She was really quite attractive.
Really?
Yeah, any other distinguishing factors that could she look like a Less mousy Jodie Foster, right?
she was very beautiful and That's annoying that she's got a fiance there.
Mind you.
I am married with three children.
So
Yeah, and you've already got the Icelandic model lined up.
Just trying to keep my options open.
Your unfaithful list is getting longer by the week.
So what I did, though, was I responded on the little scrap of paper.
You responded it?
Yes, I responded it.
Yes.
With a green pen, I circled the correct spelling of Stephen, which is, of course, S-T-E-P-H-U.
Green.
The colour of passion.
That's right.
I think it's envy, isn't it?
And then I, you know, sign my name underneath.
And what did you do with it?
Well, I just left it there.
I didn't know exactly.
You just left it on the table.
Deliver it to, yeah.
So she must have walked off without it.
So it's still there probably.
Do we know her name yet?
Fair enough.
Do you think it would be fun to build up a long list of married women that want to sleep with you and you want to sleep with them on the understanding that you would never do it?
Yeah.
But it might be psychologically comforting just to know.
I could use it in arguments with my wife.
You could use it in arguments.
If you had just had a trying day with the family, you could think, oh, alternatively, you know, in reference to that life, alternatively, I could sleep with any one of these people.
That's what it must be like for Gary Barlow or someone like that.
Gary Bala's doing the speaking clock at the moment.
Is he?
Yeah, it's very exciting.
Take it over from Tinkerbell.
It's a comic relief thing.
I just thought I'd drop that in.
Thank you.
But you think that's what it's like for Gary Bala?
Yeah.
Why?
Because he's married but yet lusted after.
And Robbie Williamson, people like that, he must have just sackfuls of males.
Women find married men more attractive than single men because they're less threatening, you know, you don't have to do anything about it.
And also it's more exciting and transgressive if you end up having a dalliance.
That's interesting.
So why not, if you are interested in having a relationship with Adam, but at the same time would be comforted in the knowledge that it would never actually happen, do let us know.
The email is adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.
You could maybe describe what you would do, how the liaison would work, where you'd go.
You could even become erotic in some of your descriptions, even though remember this is a Saturday morning show, so be circumspect, you know, use analogy and metaphor as much as possible.
Yeah, we'd be happy to receive those texts, and I'm sure they'd help Adam's marriage immensely.
We're going to launch Text the Nation very shortly, listeners, so stay tuned for that.
But right now, here is Ian McNabb with Mersey Beat.
That's Ian McNabb with Mersey Beast.
Not Mersey Beat, okay?
He's changed it.
He's done a little flip on it, Mersey Beast.
It's time now to launch Text the Nation.
Here's the jingle.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
Now, text The Nation this week, listeners.
This is the part of the show, incidentally, if you're a first-time listener, where we talk about a thing, a subject, and then we ask you, our listeners, to text or email your thoughts thereon.
That's it, really.
It doesn't really need more explanation than that.
In the past, we've proffered more explanation, but there's no time anymore for more.
We're running out of time.
There's only an hour and 40 minutes left.
Yeah, exactly.
So we've got to keep the whole thing moving.
Now, this week we are talking about sources of domestic irritation, domestic disturbances, let's call them, okay?
And these are things that tend to annoy you about cohabiting, whether you're cohabiting with a married wife person that you are married to or a husband.
a husband, or like other people, if you're students and you're living together, any kind of domestic disturbances that arise from cohabiting, irritations.
Here are some examples for you.
I've got a big problem with dishwashers, right?
Right.
I can see Joe's heart sinking.
You don't like talking about this problem.
No, no, I'm excited.
I've got a big dishwasher battle going on in our house, right?
I don't like to use the dishwasher.
I would rather clean up by hand and do a good job and polish those glasses and make sure they go back into the cupboard, sparkling in case we have guests so that I can just get them out and impress the guests with the cleanliness of the glass.
What's the problem?
The problem is that other people in the house
think that it's a better idea to load them all into the dishwasher so they come out streaked with a kind of brown crust.
So your problem is that your wife uses the dishwasher?
Yes!
And you like to wash up by hand?
Connect!
And she refuses... Is this a bad idea for Texas Nation?
She refuses to do it the way I want to because all that happens is the glasses come out covered in the crust
And then I have to rewash them and polish them and put them back in the cupboard.
How is that a labour saving device?
I'm asking you.
How is it a labour saving device if you have to wash them?
Not once, but twice in the second time.
That sounds like you should just get a better dishwasher.
Maybe that's the answer.
But it's not one that quits them properly.
Or just wash them by hand.
Domestic disturbance.
So hang on, how does that flare up?
Has that flared up into an argument?
Many, many times.
Really?
Yeah.
And I keep trying to think of the way to say it without sounding like chippy or passive-aggressive, but it's got to a stage right now where it's clearly an issue.
So I say, hey, um...
I think, maybe with the glasses, let's not put them in the dishwasher, let's just do them by hand.
Or if you want, I'll do them.
I don't mind doing them.
I would call this pathetic domestic arguments.
Fair enough.
I think the addition of the word pathetic.
But like, the more pathetic, but yet the greater they flare up.
I would have thought you would have been on the side of right, because you're going to the greater effort.
You're actually physically hand washing the dishes, right?
How can your wife complain about that?
How can she complain about you taking extra care?
Unless you dilly-dally and leave it all in great piles on the side, bide your time until you're going to wash them, and they're a hideous eyesore that your wife just wants to clear away by putting them in the dishwasher.
Is that what happens?
Yes, it is.
Maybe sometimes.
And you actually don't really get round to doing the hand washing very often.
I don't want to get into it with you as well.
Here's another one.
We've got a toaster.
This is not anyone's... You've got a toaster?
Yeah.
Wow.
It's one of the toasters where you've got a handle to lower the bread into the toaster, right?
Right.
And then you set a dial for how long you want it to be.
Like one of a cafe.
You make toasted sandwiches in it, can you?
Yeah.
Could do.
Well... No.
No, I'm thinking of a different sort.
You're thinking of a different sort.
You know what I mean, don't you, Ollie?
Yeah, Ollie knows that.
That's it, yes.
So, we should explain, incidentally, that Ollie is a guest.
Don't explain.
Don't explain about Ollie.
He can't speak.
Anyway, we've got one of these toasters where you lower the bread in, you set the timer for how long you want it to toast for, right?
So I often...
get my bread ready and lower it in there and start toasting and thinking, I'll give it about three on the dial there.
It's exciting, isn't it?
And then I'm all excited about my toast.
I'm going to put some jam on there and the dial stops and I raise the bread up.
It's completely cold still because the toaster was not plugged in, but I thought it was working because the timer is clicking away there.
And someone in the house has unplugged the toaster and put the kettle in and I don't
Care about the kettle!
I don't have tea!
I want toast, not tea!
Okay, do you want another one?
So hang on, what's that one?
They keep unplugging the toaster and I'm not aware of it.
When you say they, the only people in your house, are your wife and children under six.
Yeah.
Seven.
To narrow it down, it's my wife.
It's your wife.
It's funny how everything on this show these days comes back to you all.
Well, what do you expect?
We should have her in one week.
I live with her.
She's the only person I see.
She has to put up with me.
I'd be interested to see whether there was a sort of change in your general manner and approach to subjects.
There would be, yeah, there would be.
If she was here.
It would be as if my parents were here, I would suddenly shut down.
There would be a tonal shift.
I'm very deferential, yes.
Okay, so your wife insists on plugging in the kettle.
You don't drink tea, do you?
No.
No, neither do I. Neither of us drink tea.
Don't like hot drinks.
She's a keen drinker.
Loves tea.
I don't like hot drinks either.
That's one thing we have in common.
Yeah.
So she would be putting the, that's understandable, she'd be putting the kettle in the whole time.
Have you heard of sort of double plugs?
Yeah.
You know, you get two in one.
The double plug is, I know you're right.
Then you could have them both plugged in, but it's double sockets.
I always, I keep forgetting to buy them.
We've got loads in the house, but they're all occupied.
Anyway, here's another one.
Here's another domestic irritation, right?
This happens a pathetic domestic irritation.
A lot of these occur in the bathroom, right?
That's a common place for flare-ups.
Yeah, for dishwashing and toasting.
No, but you know what I mean.
Right.
There's a lot of problem areas in the bathroom, the most obvious being raising or not raising the seat on the lavvy.
That causes a lot of problems with married couples and any cohabitors of different sexes.
But my big problem is with the electric toothbrush.
I insist on the toothbrush being correctly rinsed after use and replaced... Well now hang on, you have one between the two of you and then a head each.
No, we're married, we... You use the same brush.
Yeah, yeah.
You brush your both mouths with the same brush.
Yeah.
Now, is that common?
Listeners, I don't know.
I mean, I'm on my own here, but to me that sounds... We've got three children.
We've shared fluids on many occasions.
It's not a big problem for us to brush our teeth.
I don't know.
Listen, I'd be interested to know listeners, but Ollie, does that sound normal to you?
Ollie does!
He's 21!
What does he know about?
Yeah, but look at his teeth, man.
And he cohabits.
I think I've never heard of that before.
Really?
Yeah.
Do you reckon most married couples would have two electric toothbrushes?
Yes.
I didn't.
Because you're married doesn't mean that you're symbiotic.
Biologically.
Well, no, what if you had a cold and she didn't want to get it?
Or you had any kind of disease that was contained in your body?
We all get everything.
That's what it's like.
Well, clearly.
Well, you may have found the reason.
Right.
Anyway, keep going.
Anyway, share the toothbrush.
We share the toothbrush.
She fails to rinse the toothbrush properly.
Right.
And large deposits of toothpaste start building up around... For one, she overloads the brush grotesquely, right?
That's true, you only need a pea-sized bit of toothpaste, it can be very bad for you actually.
That's right.
She overloads it.
So not only is there oozing, crusty deposits of toothpaste on the brush.
We've only just got over your ball roller or whatever it was the other week.
The deodorant.
But also, there's drips that come down onto the sink, right?
And they harden on the side of the sink.
What are we talking about now?
toothpaste okay and there's blobs of toothpaste that go onto the side of the sink that drip down once she's overloaded the brush right and they get all hardened I have to knock them off there and scrape them off it's a living nightmare
I don't, the thing about this textination is, it just feels like you airing marital problems.
Well let's see, well I might be wrong, maybe no one will take part in textination this week.
Maybe textination should be just, what is eroding your relationship if you're married?
No, come on.
I believe that other people have these kind of domestic irritations if they're cohabiting, right?
Let's find out.
If absolutely no one texts in, then we can... No, I'm sure they will.
I'm sure they will.
Then we can narrow it down.
The text number is, listeners.
Ooh, it's 64046.
That's 64046.
The email is adamandjo.6music at bbc.co.uk.
And that's an ampersand, not the word and, between the Adam and the Jo.
Okay, now just before the news, we have a short free play for you.
This is from the band of Montreal, and it's from their new album, Skeletal Lamping, which is a kind of a long concept album.
All the tracks merge into one another, so it has a very abrupt ending.
Uh, so don't be upset when that happens, listeners.
This is called, And I've Been a Bloody Shadow.
stop.
You see, that's quite a weird one, isn't it?
But I really enjoy that album.
That's of Montreal from their album, Skeletal Lamping.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.
It's just gone 10.30 time for the news.
That's very good, isn't it?
Well done, Susie and the Banshees from 1981.
That was Spellbound.
This is Adam and Jo here at the Big British Castle on 6 Music.
Yeah, now we've been away for the last couple of weeks and it's my fault because I had to go to America to work.
It was a terrible chore.
It wasn't, it was brilliant.
While I was out there, I watched some telly and one of my favorite programs was on on American television, Monster Quest.
Wow.
Have you heard of Monster Quest?
No.
Here is a little audio description of Monster Quest.
Witnesses around the world reporting monsters.
Are they real or imaginary?
Science searches for answers.
Yeah, monster quest.
Monster quest.
That's not a monster.
One of the sounds in there was just a plane.
That's not so much a monster.
There was a plane that was the scientist searching for the monsters.
There was the sound of a gun, a gun clicking.
Right.
A gun being cocked.
I thought maybe there was someone saying, I seen a monster!
It's like a big flying bird, a metal one!
No, it's just a plane.
Yeah.
And then there was also the sound of a lot of fluid being released towards the end of that.
You know, that's someone who's seen a terrifying monster.
Monster Quest is a serious documentary series on the History Channel about mythical beasts, cryptozoological.
Yeah.
and scientists searching to try and find out the truth.
And we know from previous song wars and having chatted to you, Joe Cornish, that you love the cryptozoology and in particular you are in love with Bigfoot.
I am passionately in love with Bigfoot.
Yeah, so I was very excited to see this new series of Monster Quest, and I was a fan of Series 1.
My favourite show on Series 1 was an episode called Sasquatch Attack, in which a team of scientists went to an isolated cabin next to a lake in Canada, a cabin that had been vandalised.
I don't know why you're laughing.
A cabin that had been vandalized by a Bigfoot.
The fridge had been ripped out, etc, etc.
And so in series two of Monster Quest, they decided to go back to this cabin with even more scientists and more equipment and once and for all prove.
The existence of Bigfoot.
You're laughing because of the fear, right?
I think so.
Because you're just gibbering with fear.
So this is the second clip.
This is a synopsis of basically what happened in this episode of Monster Quest Series 2, and this particular episode was called Sasquatch Attack 2.
Okay, here's the synopsis.
At a remote fishing camp, something has unleashed its wrath.
When Monster Quest first investigated, a legendary creature may have turned up its aggression.
Now, Monster Quest returns with a new search, a new plan, and a new opportunity to analyze some of the most startling evidence collected.
So the first time a mysterious invisible creature laid siege to the fishing hut, whatever it was, it pelted stones at the hut.
So the owner put down, the scientist put down a big board with screws in it to try and get this creature to step on it and leave some kind of a residue or a sample.
It did, huh?
And they took that piece of tissue, you know, Bigfoot tissue, by all accounts, to a lab and had it analysed.
They also found a hair and had it analysed.
So in this second programme, not only are they returning to this hut to see if they can capture this creature on film, but they're also going to announce the results
of the DNA allysis of the tissue and the hair.
They've had a whole year to get top scientists to analyze this extraordinary Sasquatch evidence.
It's pretty exciting, isn't it?
It is exciting.
And let's not forget what this is all about.
Let's just remind ourselves of the monster that they're questing to prove.
Is this sentence working?
To prove its existence of?
Questing to prove its existence of.
This is the monster.
The creature, described by some to be hair-covered, six to ten feet tall.
It has 17-inch feet, long arms, and is capable of shaking a fishing cabin to its foundation.
It fits the historical description of a Sasporch.
It could be Ollie, it could be you!
It could be me.
It could be either of you.
So how exciting.
Yeah.
You know, I was settling down for an amazing evening's television, the follow-up to one of my favourite documentaries.
And they don't address the possibility that it could be, say, teenagers or... No, because this fishing village is, this fishing hut is very isolated.
They repeat over and over again that it's only accessible by flying plane.
Okay.
So no, that's completely out of the quest.
It could be Alex James.
that's yeah well they yeah they don't consider that actually so first of all they bring a huge amount of equipment and they have some special techniques to try and lure the Sasquatch out of the forest so let's have a little hear the description of what equipment they bring
The team plans to use a three-pronged approach.
Infrared cameras mounted on the cabin, camera traps hidden around the perimeter of the forest, and audio and video recorders that will be running continuously.
The team will deploy another attractant in an effort to lure the creature in.
Gorilla urine collected during the menstrual cycle.
Oh, well, I know I always find that very attractive.
So, you know, they've got night vision cameras all around the camp, they've got them strapped to trees, they're activated by movement, and they've got menstrual gorilla urine.
Yeah.
As a bait.
Delicious.
How can that fail?
Yeah, you would think.
So they also construct a hide, they monitor everything very carefully for seven nights.
Desperate to catch any evidence of the creature.
And what do you think happened?
I would say nothing.
Well let's hear what happened.
No, nothing happened.
Yeah, nothing.
Okay, but forget about that.
What happened to the analysis of that?
Well, exactly.
Forget about the fact that seven nights went by and nothing happened.
There's the analysis of the tissue on the nail board.
And the hair?
Yeah, let's be reminded about the tissue first.
The owner of the cabin had laid out a bed of screws, and it worked.
A 17-inch bloody footprint was left behind, along with tissue.
Yeah?
With a bloody tissue.
Not no, tissue.
Right, right.
Okay, so they get top scientists to analyse the tissue and guess what the results are?
A member of the cast of skins.
No, let's hear.
The DNA that came from the material belongs to fungi, so we did not find any animal DNA.
What, he's like a swamp creature?
It's just fungus.
Unfortunately, it was just fungus, so it's not actually animal DNA.
But don't worry, because there's the hair, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Sasquatch hair.
Let's just get reminded about that.
The hair on the rod case from 2007 may still hold the answer.
Could this hair belong to the creature that terrorized the cabin?
So...
Bear in mind I've been watching this show for 40 minutes.
So I'm clinging on to the hair, you know, no results with the hide.
Nothing with the tissue that's turned out to be fungi.
What about the hair?
My only hope is the hair.
Can you guess what the results of the hair analysis were?
It was a dog or a wolf creature.
Wolf creature would have been good.
This is the results of the hair analysis.
This hair has been artificially bleached, and it is a human head hair, most likely of a Caucasian.
No, so it is a member of the cast of Skins.
Yes.
So after 45 minutes of Sasquatch documentary, this is a synopsis of the results.
Morning comes without incident.
We did not find any animal DNA.
And it is a human head hair.
The past seven days have not yielded much.
But TV is just full of these kinds of documentaries.
It was the History Channel.
Right.
They made such a big fuss.
They really made me think they had evidence.
What on earth did you think was gonna happen?
Do you think it was going to be, would you, you would have read about it in the papers if it was the program that finally revealed the existence of Sasquatch?
You know, our friend Louis Theroux, a telejournalist, asked me, we were talking about this a few months ago, and he asked me, he said, Joe, what percentage of a chance do you think there is that Bigfoot actually exists, realistically?
And I said, five, six percent.
and he looked at me just like he would look at an idiot in one of his documentaries with a really withering look and there was a short bit of silence and then he changed the subject it's nice that you still believe though man it's one of the things i like about you i was so excited about that documentary i'm really sorry wasted my time i'm so sorry here's some music this is the kings of leon text the nation text text text text the nation what if i don't want to text the nation it doesn't matter text
Yes, it's Text the Nation time here on The Adam and Jo Show on BBC6 Music.
Adam, can you describe the subject this week?
Well, we decided it was pathetic, domestic gripes.
Yeah, things that cause big flare-ups between you and your cohabitees that are actually pretty petty.
And here are some texts that we have had in.
Just before you read those out, I'll give you one more from my locker.
I get very upset about the fact that when I come down for breakfast sometimes, the children have already been down and had their breakfast and they've left the milk out of the fridge and it's no longer chilly like I like it.
And sometimes I get so upset about the fact that the milk is warm, which does not suit me for my cereal needs,
that I get a cocktail shaker out and put ice in it and I shake the milk over the ice and then strain it through the cocktail shaker onto my corn flakes.
Wow.
Because then you get chilled milk, which is the way I want it!
Not left out to get warm on the table!
Terrifying.
Is that too much to ask?
No, certainly not.
Here are some texts that have come in from listeners.
Stu in Hull says, I nearly had a kung fu fight with my housemate as he keeps turning the heating up to 30 because he's got a phobia of damp laundry.
That's a very good one.
I have a lot of grapples over the thermostat in my house.
People keep going up to maybe 25.
You like things cool, I know that, from our childhood.
Yeah, I like it.
You like windows open and chilliness.
Yes, please.
Like your milk.
Other people like warmth.
What kind of people are these?
Who wins in that argument?
Battle.
Well, me because I sneak down and turn the thermostat down.
Really?
Yeah.
Here's one from Memme.
The people I live with refuse to buy new vacuum bags, as no one wants to feel short-changed by buying some.
So instead, we're reusing the same tired old bag by sort of poking dirt out of it.
That is grotesque.
I really sympathise.
That's a horrible one, and it's probably very unsanitary.
We did have an email from a doctor, a teeth doctor, I believe they're called dentists, and he pointed out that sharing a toothbrush is really a very bad thing to do, even if you were married.
Yeah, you did.
I'll get to it and then I'll come back to it, yeah.
That's kind of a revelation after 10 years of marriage for me.
So I've got to go out and invest in a new toothbrush now.
Here are some more.
Joe and Adam, my girlfriend has no regard for matching socks and is quite comfortable in wearing odd socks that aren't even the same colour.
This has irritated me to the point of despair and has resulted in me hiding her socks from her and issuing her with a matching pair each morning.
I like the use of the word issuing, as if you're in some kind of awful camp or hospital and she's being given her pills.
That's from Pete in Colchester.
Totally sympathised, Pete.
Really?
That would make me very... You know, I'm less... She's trying to be quirky.
No, I'm less fascistic about items of clothing.
I think that's a personal decision.
But I can relate to how those things flare up and become an issue.
You know what I mean?
The problem I have is when socks get stolen from my drawer and misused, I have some socks that I really look forward to wearing.
The thick brown pair, they're so comfy.
And when they turn up in somebody else's drawer...
That is a cause of concern for me that, you know, threatens to flare up into an argument.
Here's one from Una.
I do all the clothes washing, drying and sorting, but I'm not allowed to put away my boyfriend's clothes because, in his words, quote, I don't fold them right.
Close quotes.
In particular, the socks.
So I set his things to one side on top of the drawers where they pile up and get mixed up with his dirty clothes.
He then complains he can't find anything to wear.
Anything to say about that one?
Yeah, totally relate to that.
Whose side are you on there?
Una or the boyfriend?
Well, it's difficult.
It's difficult.
I think Una's nice to be doing all the washing and stuff because that's a massive chore.
Who gets to do the washing in your house?
Do you just do your own washing?
Erm... No, my girlfriend.
Yeah, I mean, you really have to appreciate someone that's going to take on that task.
It's true, it's true.
Olly, anything to contribute?
No, fair enough.
We should explain to people who Ollie is though, shouldn't we?
No, I don't think so.
It's fine, it's a mystery.
No, I appreciate that, but the thing is that that's one of the areas that my wife has really enriched my life in, one of the many areas I should say.
Clean clothes.
And not only clean clothes and a regular change of clothes, but she has shown me how to fold shirts.
It's one of the things that I write most about her.
It's lovely.
Here's another one from Jason.
My wife Lorna, Jason's naming names, always insists on using my razors to do her legs.
That's a common one, isn't it?
Then she puts it back, then, unbeknown to me, I have a shave with a ruddy blunt blade.
Argh!
It's, I mean, that's almost a cliché of domestic problems.
You see that in lots of sitcoms and stuff like that, but it's true.
It's one of the massive ones.
It's like leaving the toilet seat up.
And it's deadly.
Deadly.
You know, you can rip your whole face off like that just for the sake of a woman's smooth legs.
Listen, I think what we should do is have a record and I'm going to sort through, because we have been inundated in these domestic problems with the domestic problems.
And I'm going to have to sort through them to find some really good ones.
Not that those weren't good.
And we should say the lady who emailed us in earlier, her boyfriend was called Jason, her fiancé.
Oh yes.
In fact, no, she was the person who saw you on the train, right?
This is the lady who wrote a little note to me on the train while I was sleeping.
She would like to make it clear that she is very, very much in love with you, Jason.
And in no way is she interested in any sort of relationship with Adam.
And it's just an idle, pathetic, frippery.
And she loves you and is really... How insecure is Jason, though?
Well, he must have been quite worrying for him.
It's like that girl on Big Brother from Liberty X, who was all worried that her boyfriend was going to be upset because he was flirting with Ben.
Well, she texted in to ask us whether we'd make that clear to Jason, that in no way was that in any way real.
Don't worry, Jason.
I'm a sexy man.
I occasionally share a train with your fiancé.
He's not sexy.
But I'm not going to make a move.
It's all fine.
Here's a free play, this is Valerie Carter with Ooh Child.
Hmm, that is like a refreshing bath or shower.
How would you characterize the refreshing quality of that song?
Oh, it's like a lovely hot toddy.
It's like a delicious hot toddy.
Are you having some brandy in the toddy there?
No, it's European hot chocolate made from real chocolate flakes.
Ah, that's the only hot chocolate worth drinking.
Delicious that was David Bowie with kooks and before that you heard Valerie Carter with her cover of the five stair steps ooh child Don't look at me for that one.
They wouldn't know yeah, so it was it was wicked one of my favorites It's from the film over the edge starring Matt Dillon my favorite film of all time that film there you go Olly you were asking about our favorite films.
How you doing there Olly?
He's yes, he is doing he's there have you seen over the edge Olly?
No.
I haven't seen that one.
It's out on DVD in the UK now.
Out on DVD in the UK, yeah.
It's only been out for about eight months.
Listeners, if you're confused about the references to Wally, this is a chap that emailed us a few weeks ago and asked if he could come into the programme and said that he would sit in silence
He said he didn't want to say anything.
So we've taken him at his word.
He's in the studio, but he's not allowed to speak.
Instead, he's brought in a frying pan and a wooden spoon in order to communicate.
One tap means yes, two means no.
But at the very end of the show, at about three or four minutes to noon, we are going to have Ollie speak.
So that's something worth tuning in for.
And if you want to see Ollie's face, or at least the back of his head, you should be able to on the webcam there.
Ollie, in fact, if you'd like to spin your chair around... Did we establish which webcam it was, Ben?
Is it that one or...?
Okay, there's that one.
And maybe Ollie, if you wouldn't mind, just get comfortable and just look into the camera for the next three or four minutes.
Just keep your mind.
Stand up, Ollie.
And just keep looking at the camera.
Don't look round.
Just keep looking at the camera as if you've been back.
You have to stay there for a while because it refreshes every minute or something.
Don't look round!
You've got to stay there for a couple of minutes.
Keep standing there as if, don't move.
He's moving.
Ollie, stand very still, otherwise it won't work.
because it's a still image that it takes, it's not like constant moving.
Thank you, Ollie, well done.
We're in the midst of Tex the Nation and this week's subject is things, pathetic domestic disputes you have with your cohabitees.
The more petty, but yet divisive, the better.
And we've been absolutely swamped with these things.
We could do a book about this.
We should do a book about this.
Someone got in touch with us a while back to say, would we like to do a book of egg corns?
And I just thought, we're not really qualified.
There's a big website called Egg Quads, I think.
Ollie sat down.
Ollie.
Was that a minute?
No one told you you could sit down.
What's the young people not have any strength in their legs anymore?
If you're doing too many horse tranquilizers, is it?
Stand.
Stand up and look in the webcam.
And look in the webcam.
Please.
Until you are told otherwise, young man.
Thank you.
So much attitude.
So what I was saying is yes, they invited us to do a book of egg corns and I thought it would be fraudulent to do so really because I don't feel that we, you know, we didn't invent egg corns or anything.
I feel sorry for Ollie.
Ollie, you just stand there and look at the camera.
Is that so hard?
You wanted to come in and feel the magic.
Here's the magic!
Look at the camera.
I want to look at the camera and see his face.
We can't see his face now because his back's to us.
Just stay there for a minute and then you can sit down, alright?
So anyway, I don't know about the egg corns thing, you know, there's a brilliant website full of egg corns.
tangential.
I'm going off the thing.
But yes, we could do a book about domestic irritation.
Right, so here's one of them.
Don't forget to put your name if you text.
You don't have to if you want to remain anonymous, which would be understandable in this context.
Okay, here's one from an anonymous texter.
Our domestic bliss is being ruined by my fiancee Magda's failure to grasp the concept that bathroom cupboard doors
Natural resting state is closed.
Ever since I fitted new push catches, she keeps leaving them slightly ajar, rendering the spring mechanism of said catches.
I now find myself sneaking into the bathroom after her every visit like some store cupboard starzy to ensure she shut the doors correctly.
This is really bugging me and we've not ever reached the marriage stage yet.
So she's leaving them open, and he's having to creep in and close them.
You know what, it's dangerous as well.
He's saying, we're due to get married in May, do you think it would be a good idea to get a prenup drawn up to address this issue?
Definitely.
I think Ollie, you can sit down now.
Sit down now, Ollie.
Well done.
I think if people haven't seen you by now, they're too late.
He's looking very pleased with himself.
Yeah, no, that's an important one.
The worst one is in the kitchen as well, when cupboards get left open, and you're bending down, you're doing a little bit of... Slap your head.
...toast work, and you... Very dangerous.
Rear up, and you can get the corner of the door right in the forehead there.
That's dangerous.
That's tantamount to your partner trying to kill you.
Yeah.
And that's something that does happen.
Call the police.
Yeah.
Magda is going to be arrested.
Come on, Mag.
Here's one from Neil in Nottingham.
My girlfriend has no concept of towel etiquette.
Rather than having a couple of towels in rotation, which can be used a couple of times before being replaced by a clean one from the airing cupboard, she uses at least three towels every morning, which she leaves in a damp trail around the bedroom.
And then who has to pick them up?
Easy.
And put them in the washing?
Easy, Adam.
This isn't you.
Rather than using these towels again the next day, she'll head to the airing cupboard and pluck three fresh ones out with complete disregard for the rotation system.
This results in our house being constantly scattered with damp towels, and we've no idea how long each towel has been in rotation and whether it's due for a wash.
YOU COW!
Driving me mad.
I thought you were going to say something else there.
It would have been a very brave way to end art.
tenure here at the BBC.
That would have got the front page of the Daily Mail.
Quite a good way to go.
Yes, well, honestly, Neil, we can only sympathise.
That's appalling.
You probably... Do you have separate towels, Adam?
What, with your toothbrush sharing stuff?
Or do you happily rub your bits and bobs with whatever comes to hand?
No answer required.
We use toilet paper.
Here's another one which is very well presented and written.
It's anonymous.
It says simply this, and there are capitals and lowercase in this text, so I'm going to illustrate the capitals by shouting.
He hides my hairdryer in the toy box.
He makes me use a plate if I eat a banana.
He puts chocolate in the fridge.
Is this a woman complaining about a man?
Nobody knows.
It could be a gay couple.
It could be a heterosexual couple.
Makes me use a plate if I eat a banana.
Now that seems pedantic.
bananas come with, like, a serving suggestion.
Chocolate in the fridge.
I think chocolate in the fridge is okay.
It adds a little special something to it.
They used to promote that, didn't they?
Yeah.
Cadbury's or whatever.
They used to promote chocolate as a summer snack.
That's right.
That you'd store in the fridge.
Snickers in the chiller.
They got any Snickers in the chiller?
That's what I used to be like in the old days.
This is from Paul.
My girlfriend Cassie insists on having the toilet roll dispensing sheets over as opposed to next to the wall.
However, she rarely replaces the roll onto the holder, choosing instead to balance it on top of the cardboard remains of the old one.
She refutes this and insists she does.
You know, that drives me mad as well.
It doesn't take a second just to reload the roll.
Yeah, but then to put the used roll in the recycling.
That's a bit of a journey, isn't it?
Or make something out of it, a robot.
In most houses, it's usually quite a distance between the loo and wherever the recycling bag is, right?
Well, you have a little receptacle there, a temporary recycling receptacle in the bathroom.
In the bathroom?
Where your loo roll things go.
Yes.
Is that what you have?
Er, no, I generally make the trip to the recycling bin.
It's not so very far.
It's a fun trip.
Really?
You would make a whole trip just for that one little two.
You know what?
So would I, Ollie.
Ollie would do.
Yes, he'd do too.
We all do that.
Very good.
There you go.
Paul, your girlfriend is wrong.
Are there things that get put in your fridge, incidentally, talking about the chocolate in the fridge, that you get outraged by?
Someone in our house puts the ketchup in the fridge.
Oh, well, my girlfriend likes that a lot.
She loves the ketchup.
I don't like cold ketchup, because then you're going to... It's a weird clash.
You've got your fish fingers there, and suddenly the ketchup comes out and chills out the fish fingers.
That's no good.
This doesn't annoy me, but my girlfriend does chill squash.
Uh-huh.
Which seems to me a bit stupid, because you're gonna dilute it anyway.
Oh, what, the actual concentration chills?
That's madness.
That's a bit silly, but I don't get angry about it.
No, no, you should.
Should I?
Okay, I'm gonna fill up a head of steam over that one.
We'll be back with more texts very soon.
Now here's a trail.
You were doing your disgruntled granddad look there.
I just didn't think this, that was Radiohead.
That's sort of funny.
And that leads to their noisy tracks.
That's from the bends, I think, isn't it?
My eye and lung.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music and we are in the midst of Text-o-nation.
Yeah.
What about a bit of jingleage, Ben, to orientate us?
Text-o-nation.
Text, text, text.
Text-o-nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text-o-nation.
It doesn't matter.
Text.
And this week we're asking you for pathetic things that your cohabity does around the house that make you go mad with Fury.
Mmm.
You know, um, do you want a, uh, name drop?
Not really.
No, I thought better of it, actually.
Really?
Just as I, as soon as I opened my mouth and I thought about it, I thought there's no point whatsoever in dropping this name.
It's ridiculous.
Well, you should do it now.
Well, it's so we should okay.
Let's not do it.
Let's not do the no name drop Was it to do with the text the nation subject kind of kind of but only tangentially?
Yeah, I mean it was so tenuous then you know I've been finding it difficult to think of things that wind me up In a bit of a squeaky clean way, you know about my paradise it is it is paradise But something someone sent in has reminded me of something that really annoys me Yeah about my beautiful lovely cohabiting lady friend.
This is an email from Steven in Norwich
He says, hello Adam and Jo.
My new housemate yawns like a trapped bear, often waking me up in the middle of the night or interfering with my enjoyment of the telly.
He says it's because he lived on his own for too long.
Shall I ask him to be more discreet by placing a hand over his mouth?
Oh sure.
Or the best Stephen.
Now that's something that my lovely lady partner does.
She goes,
A lot.
Well, it's very contagious, is the other thing.
A lot.
And after a while, it feels like she finds life as a whole boring.
A bit boring.
It feels like she's just tired of life, of existence.
She needs more oxygen in her mixture.
Maybe she does.
Makes me feel insecure.
I think I'm not being exciting enough.
Right.
You know?
She's weary.
She's w-exactly.
It makes her sound world-weary.
She's not at all.
And it annoys me.
Well, she works very hard, though, and maybe she gets up early.
She does do that.
Yeah.
Uh, that's true, though, Stephen.
That's annoying.
What do you think Stephen should do?
I think what Stephen should do is do what my dad used to do with our cat every time it yawned, which is pop something in the mouth.
When it's wide open, my dad would just pop his finger in the cat's mouth and then enjoy the look on its face when it's Jaws clothes.
So that's a good thing to do.
When your friend yawns, just pop something in.
Nothing they'll choke on.
No.
Listeners, we don't want to encourage that kind of thing.
No little marbles.
Maybe a pen laterally in the mouth, like so.
Well, you could do something nice.
You could pop a little more teaser in there or something.
I think I'd say something else for a moment.
But yawning is a good one, though, isn't it?
And it's very contagious.
Even people hearing you doing that yawn there will start yawning themselves.
Well, but fake yawns aren't contagious.
They are.
Are they?
I always thought you had to do an authentic yawn.
I can feel a yawn coming on just talking about it.
Really?
Yeah.
Here's another one from Simon.
He says, Morning, Adam and Joe, I used to go spare when my ex-housemate used to come down from the shower and sit on the sofa for a few minutes in his wet towel, always leaving a moist, R-shaped patch for a good couple of days.
That's a disgrace.
That is a disgrace.
Ugh, how, what are these people doing?
That's nice, though.
I can feel, I've got a sense memory of a wet towel on my bottom right now.
No.
Why is that good?
That's horrid.
It's nice.
And you should not go wandering around other parts of the house before you're properly dry!
you
Yes.
Go on, give me some more.
I love these.
More, more, more.
OK, here is one from Louisa.
She says, I have these lovely pastel enamel pans that were a wedding present.
My husband never uses the silicone spatula for stirring things in these, but uses forks, which scratch the enamel.
Perversely, he then uses the special spatula to stir things in the frying pan, which melts it.
Oh, dear.
You know, I would probably be guilty of abusive pans in my house.
Sometimes I got a lovely Teflon pan, a beautiful nonstick surface there.
But, uh, I want to get it so clean that I sometimes just use a scour on it, like a, um, wire wall.
Yeah, that's wrong.
You damage it.
That's really bad.
You damage it.
I'm scraping off the Teflon surface there.
Here's a text from Matt, who says, my wife always leaves the upstairs cupboard door open, so I took it off and burnt it.
Ahhh!
Well done Matt.
That's very good.
At which point I think we should play some music and come back to Texanation a little bit later on.
Okay.
Here's a free play for you now listeners.
This is The Only Ones, and I'd always been aware of The Only Ones, right?
They were a great band from the 70s, late 70s.
They were sort of around in the punk world, but they sounded very different.
They're a little bit like Joe Jackson, maybe more
I don't know, it's hard to describe.
They sound like Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel.
I'm going to play you some, obviously, right now.
But they reissued their seminal three albums recently, and this one is a track from Even Serpent's Shine.
They're a revelation though.
These albums are amazingly good.
This track is called You've Got to Pay.
That's nice, isn't it?
That's very good, isn't it?
Peter Parrott there with the only ones.
And you've got to pay!
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Do you want to hear about my earthquake experience?
Do you have an earthquake experience?
Yeah, I was in an earthquake.
In Los Angeles?
Los Angeles, yeah.
Me and Simon Pegg, the popular actor, went to the cinema.
Nice name drop.
Thanks, mate.
It's not really a name drop, it's just a statement of fact.
Right?
I'm like your ones that are lies.
We went to the cinema!
the film.
a remake of Last House on the Left, something called The Uninvited, the remake of Friday the 13th, they were all the same and they were all terrifying.
They were just montages of teenagers screaming and being hacked to pieces, terrifying words floating around on a misty screen, you know, weird elliptical lines of dialogue and shouts and screams and noises and fangs.
That was all those big trails in Grind House.
It was a little like that, but not as good, and also the surround sound was so powerful that it felt as if it was an earthquake anyway.
And at the climax of these three interchangeable, increasingly troubling trailers, suddenly there was an enormous boom.
It felt like they were showing the loudest action film ever made in the next-door cinema.
But it was so visceral.
And we experienced one in Tokyo, didn't we?
Did you remember that earthquake?
But that was not accompanied by a noise, it was just a... No, it was an increasing vibration.
This one was like an explosion, it was as if a plane had gone down or a bomb had gone off.
Wow, how frightening.
And everyone's seat jolted and everyone was really unsettled and suddenly everyone in the cinema turned and looked at each other in a way that wouldn't happen under any other circumstances, I don't think.
Suddenly everybody wanted to make human contact, eye contact.
Yeah, hold hands.
And there was a long pause, a long silence.
And then someone said... And somebody said, earthquake going down!
Oh, right.
That's it.
But it was very exciting, and the film really didn't live up to it.
I didn't know that earthquakes were accompanied by booms and... Yeah, I think we were very near the epicentre.
It was very exciting.
Wow.
Yeah, and that'll probably be the headline in the news.
Yes.
Let's find out.
Here is the news.
That is Mykonos by FleetFoxes.
Is that their current single then?
No, is it?
Well, that was one of their first singles.
It was the EP they released when they first of all came out, right?
And it's now been re-released.
And they've actually, I picked up a CD of theirs in Amoeba Records in LA.
I haven't played yet.
But they're so popular, they're kind of releasing everything they've ever recorded.
Yeah.
And they've discovered another four tracks.
Well, they were quite good from the get-go, weren't they?
They arrived fully formed, musically speaking.
So you can't really go wrong with some of those.
Yeah, well I'll check them out and listen to them and if they're good I'll play one next week.
It's time to wrap up Text the Nation.
Let's have the jingle one more time, Ben.
Text the Nation!
Text!
Text the Nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text the Nation!
It doesn't matter.
Text!
Text the Nation this week, listeners, is about domestic friction caused by very petty things, household things.
I think very petty is putting it too strongly.
Some of these are very valid complaints.
And these are all springing from a terrifying, yet another terrifying glimpse inside the domestic arrangements of Mr. Buxton.
It does sound horrible, the picture I paint of my life, doesn't it?
No, it's mitigated by your honesty.
The fact that you're so candid about them shows that your
Nature is so no so open that all these problems aren't really a problem So, you know, I do love my wife and my family very much and I wouldn't like anyone to think otherwise But I wish she would just pay attention to some of my valid points about the dishwasher What you want to do is start wearing uniforms around the house.
That's a good idea uniform for you a uniform for her little uniforms for the kids
And a proper hierarchy.
Metals.
Yeah.
And stripes.
What kind of uniforms?
I'm thinking orange boiler suits.
Well, that's a bit space age, isn't it?
I was thinking more Nazi type thing.
Well, I don't think that's a good way to go.
That's not suitable, is it?
That gets you into trouble.
That sort of talk these days.
But you know what I mean?
I was saying in jest, but I would be more officious about it than maybe you would be.
Hey, it's more Prince Harry.
Okay, here is one that has come in from an anonymous person.
And this is one I sympathise with a lot.
When going to bed, my girlfriend manages to slip out of all her clothes in one smooth movement.
Like it.
This results in little piles of clothes dotted on the bedroom floor with her bra inside her t-shirt, both inside her jumper, on top of her jeans.
Very similar to her being vaporised by a ray gun in her 70s sci-fi series.
With her clothes as the only thing that remain hanging in the air before falling to the ground.
My girlfriend does exactly the same.
Why would that be irritating?
Because you have to pick them up and you have to sort of pull them out of each other.
And it is, there is something weird, that's a very good description that she's been vaporised.
Yeah.
It would just be nice to think that somebody before they went to bed took the articles of clothing off one by one and then folded them up neatly and put them away.
Well you know what my wife sometimes does is pull off her clothes and so they end up inside out and then puts them in the washing bin and that's in that state.
All tangled up.
So when I do the wash and I get them out of the machine, it's up to me to
Put them all the right way around again, and I have to reach inside a damp tube sleeve You know what I'm saying and and pull it the right way out.
It makes me furious I think what that anonymous texture is skirting around is the idea of taking off the trousers or stroke skirt and the pants stroke knickknocks simultaneously and the and and if you imagine what sort of a sort of puddle of clothing that leaves on the floor sexy one
And what you're... Yeah, kind of.
Yeah.
Oh, it's not an area you want to go into on a Saturday morning show, really.
No.
But you can imagine.
Oh, I see.
Okay, carry on.
Yeah.
Here's one from Liz that's coming via text.
My partner Pete will not let me share his pillows.
If I pile them up high under my head and he's already got up, he comes up and pulls the extra pillows away and puts them back on his side with East Enders-ish criminal intensity.
This inflames me.
My partner needs pillows.
Then I insist on having the pillows back.
Well, oh, my computer just shut off.
He even bought me more pillows, but it's no good.
It's his pillows I want.
Why won't he let me share them?
Says Liz.
I don't want anyone to... I have a particular pillow that I very much favour, and if anyone's gonna start moving it to their side of the bed.
They can expect to fight.
What do you favor about the pillow?
It's very squishy, it's not too large.
You know, I like my head to be fairly close to the mattress, so it's one that is sufficiently squidgy that I can hollow it out and it makes a nice little hole for my head that I can fit in there.
And, you know, the other pillows on the bed, they're much too fulsome.
I don't like them.
Here's one from Andy in Hartlepool.
I organized the shoe cupboard, giving myself a little area.
To my horror, the girlfriend invaded my space.
I asked her not to invade my space, and we ended up not talking for two days.
Andy in Hartlepool.
You read it in that voice though.
Andy's probably a very reasonable guy.
No.
And he doesn't talk like a Nazi robot.
When you start a sentence, I organised the shoe cupboard.
Don't belittle the legitimate gripes of Andy in the shoe cupboard.
Yeah.
You know what?
I think that's all I've actually prepared.
I could read some random ones out that I haven't known.
Ben's winding the whole thing up.
We've only got a quarter of an hour and we still have to talk to Ollie the Wally before the end of the show.
Hey.
I'm not allowed to call him Ollie the Wally, am I?
Poor, he's taking it very well.
Ollie ain't no Wally.
I've never seen anybody less Wally-ish.
No, he's cool.
For you to call him a Wally is very much pop kettle black, if you ask me.
It's time for trail.
I never heard all the little things going on in the background there.
that was the fun young cannibals with what's that actually called that single uh johnny come home there you go adam and joe here on bbc6 music now as we explained earlier we've been joined in the studio by a guest it's a very rare occurrence for us here on this program we don't normally have guests we've had chris salt the salt man the winner of the video wars competition we've had lord roger more yeah
Uh, is that it?
Lord Sir Roger, yeah.
God Jennings has sat in for me when I've been away.
So you are officially the fourth guest we have ever had, Wally.
Please don't speak yet.
We had the guy that did the remixing of the song.
Ah, that's absolutely right, Amber Gambler.
Yeah.
Um, so you're the fifth.
But you know, in many ways, you're the most skilled of all the guests with your frying pan tapping.
Ollie emailed us three or four or five weeks ago saying he'd like to come into the studio and feel the magic, but he didn't want to say anything.
So we took him at his word.
He was on the phone and he wasn't allowed to speak.
He had to scratch the receiver.
Now he is live in the studio, but he hasn't been allowed to speak at all.
He's been viewable on the webcam and he's been communicating by tapping a frying pan with a wooden spoon.
But now, are we going to let him speak?
I think we should.
So, ladies and gentlemen, here is Ollie.
Ollie, please say hello to the listeners.
Hello.
There we go.
He sounds like Naboo.
Now, Ollie, you wanted to experience the magic rushing round the studio.
Let me ask you, before you came into the studio, did you have preconceptions of what it might be like?
Had you painted a mental picture with the emphasis on the word mental?
Had you painted a picture in your head?
Or hadn't you thought about it?
No, you just didn't.
I took it as it came.
And now that you're here, is it as magical as you had hoped it would be?
Yes, more magical.
Describe some exciting things that you think listeners might want to know about the magic of this programme.
Um, yeah, it's really magical and uh... He's Naboo.
Just imagine Naboo.
Anything surprising, you know, anything surprising for people who might, you know, want to see through your eyes about the way Adam and I behave or the show is laid out or anything like that?
No, it's all very organised and lovely.
Now Ollie, what do you do for a living?
I'm a computer technician.
Ah, you love computers?
Yes.
Do you love them more than people?
Ah, yes.
What's your favourite type of computer?
Are you a Macintosh or a Windows person?
Windows.
Right.
A weirdo.
And what's your favourite band?
Just doing a quick interview with Ollie.
Yes, nice man.
What's your favourite band?
Probably Fleetwood Mac.
Is that a serious answer?
Yeah.
You love early Mac or late Mac?
Mmm, old bit really.
Bernie Mac, did you like his work?
Bernie Mac.
Big Macs?
Yes.
Seriously, do you love Fleetwood Mac?
Yes.
I was talking to someone else the other day who was going on about early.
What's the best album to get of theirs then?
Greatest Hits.
greatest hit seriously.
Yeah, because it's great.
It's got hits on.
Fair enough.
That's the only one I have.
Favorite film we know is 28 Days Later.
Favorite TV show?
Comedy show?
Not comedy, but 24 probably.
You like 24?
Good news series, eh?
Quite exciting.
How about Lost?
This is riveting.
You should take over from Jonathan Ross.
Honestly, I could do it easily.
You'd be good.
I would be excited.
Why don't they ask major movie stars questions like that?
What's your favorite band?
Matt Corpezing.
What'd you do for a living?
I think it would be more interesting.
It would.
General, that's all.
Well, that's pretty much it.
But Ollie, thank you so much for coming in.
We really appreciate it.
And we hope you don't feel as if you were mistreated or humiliated in any way, do you?
No, not in any way at all.
We didn't mistreat or humiliate him enough.
We shouted at him to stand at the webcam.
You did.
Yeah, it's been a great time.
Thank you for having me.
Good, no, not at all.
You're very welcome indeed.
You're never allowed to come back.
Keep away.
And if I ever see you in the street or anything like that, I will call the police.
Yeah, and don't tell anyone any of the things we told you between when the records were playing.
Or don't tell anyone what we did together.
While the records were playing, please.
Okay.
Cheers then, Ollie.
We're gonna play a little bit more music before we say goodbye to you now, ladies and gentlemen.
And which one are we going to go for, Ben?
Which one?
PJ Harvey.
Yeah, this is PJ Harvey with Sheila Naggeek.
PJ Harvey there.
That's pretty much it for our show this week, ladies and gentlemen.
A couple of weeks ago, on the pre-record, we were talking about pop psychology, the notion that we might have a new feature, because we're giving song wars a little bit of a rest for a few weeks, and we need something else to fill the show with.
And we were thinking that if people in bands would tell us their niggles, particularly people that aren't lead singers, right, if you're a bassist or a drummer or a keyboard player in a band, and you don't necessarily have to be like a massive well-known band, but we would really like to hear your problems within the structure of the band and some of the, you know, niggles that you have about that.
And Joe, our residential pop psychologist,
We'll give you some advice.
I mean, we both will, right?
I'm a trained psychologist.
Joe's a trained psychologist.
That's why I work with Adam.
Nobody else would be capable of enduring it.
That's right.
So we would really like to encourage you, if you're in a band, to get in touch.
You can be anonymous.
If you're in a famous band, you don't have to say which one it is, necessarily.
Although you can tell us, but we won't read it out.
We're talking about petty jealousies, things that annoy you about other band members' behaviours.
If people are trying to hoggle the limelight, push to the front during photo sessions, trying to drown you out by telling their amplifier up higher, anything that is threatening to come between you if you're in a band.
The more anecdotal the better we'd like, you know, little stories about what it's like.
The email address is adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
You can email us at any point.
Every single email is read by either me or Adam.
And that's it really.
Thanks a lot for listening and thanks to everybody who texted for Text the Nation and who emailed in during the week.
Yeah, we got loads of really enjoyable and interesting emails.
Thanks a lot for those.
Thanks to Ollie for coming in once again.
Thanks Ollie.
Let's have a little frying pan goodbye from you.
Oh, he's put it in his bag.
Forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it.
There you go.
Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.
We'll see you next week.
Next week, yeah.
Take care.
Bye.