Hello and welcome to the Big British Castle.
It's time for Adam and Joe to broadcast on the radio.
There'll be some music and some random talking in between, and then...
That's very good.
Well done, Animal Collective there with my girls.
That comes from their album, Merryweather Post Pavilion.
Their eighth album, which was out in January.
Out in January?
I mean, you know, these things are just flying past and I'm not taking any notice of them.
It's ridiculous.
You're ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.
How dare you not take more notice?
Well, you know, I've got the album.
It's very good.
But I just didn't realize that I didn't realize it was the eighth one.
I didn't realize it was out in January.
I didn't realize any of this.
Dear me, thank goodness for this show.
This is Adam Buxton here.
Hello, listeners.
This is Joe Cornish here.
Welcome to our Saturday morning show here on BBC Six Music.
Thanks very much for joining us.
Thanks to Yarae.
Yeah, that cameo track sounded really good, didn't it?
It sounded amazing.
Yeah, it sounded like contemporary music, even though it's 20 years old.
You know, it could have been a new outcast single.
You started something here.
Do you know where I'm pointing to when I say that?
To your Groinal Zonal.
No!
Now where?
No, I'm just pointing to over there.
Yeah.
All right.
Sorry.
You're disgusting.
I am a filthy, filthy man.
Hey, it's very nice to have you along, listeners, you know.
And we're going to be here with you until 12 o'clock today for the live show.
We've got an exciting one coming up for you.
A huge amount of things to get through and music to play.
Right, Joe?
Yeah, usually when I say that, it's going to be exciting.
You get out your scorn, Satchel.
And sprinkle some on me.
I never sprinkle scorn on that statement.
For using the word special or you expect me to qualify it?
Yeah, a little qualification.
Well now I expect you to qualify it.
What is going to happen that's special?
Alright then, here's what's going to happen.
We're going to resolve our 80s song wars.
Ah, that's special.
That is very special.
Ties into all kinds of different things that we can talk about because there's been an avalanche of correspondence about the 80s song wars.
We are going to launch Text-A-Nation even though we haven't thought of what it's going to be yet.
Good, good, good.
We might have to delay that for a bit.
A little bit.
People can suggest ideas.
Text-A-Nation is our regular feature where we ask people to text in about a subject that we normally supply you with.
This week we haven't quite got one yet.
We've got some ideas.
We've got some brilliant ideas.
We just have to choose which is the very best out of an amazing array of ideas.
We've got a bit of juvenilea.
I mean, we are firing on all cylinders as far as features go.
We've got some great clips of a demented four-year-old, which we're going to play you in our juvenilea section.
We're going to do pop psychology, is that right?
We might do pop psychology, yeah.
That's four features.
That's so special, I'm really sorry.
I mean, that's too many features.
Almost.
You know, that's like a man with five noses.
Too many features.
Five-nose Frankie.
I know that guy.
I drink in the same boozer.
You don't want to cross him.
Over there, there's five-nose Frankie.
He's a nasty piece of business.
He uses his different noses to smell different things.
I can smell somebody filthy.
I can smell somebody dirty.
I can smell a slag.
And with my left nose, I can smell the trouble.
What else can you smell, Frankie?
I can smell some flowers.
Ooh, that's nice.
I can smell some Febreze.
I don't like flowers.
I hate flowers.
Frankie, five noses hates flowers.
I love Febreze.
for a love for a breeze.
I spray it on my dirty socks to stop them making a smell.
Other nice fragrances are available, says Frankie Five-nose, in the name of balance.
What about some Amy Winehouse?
I love Amy Winehouse.
What are you going to supply me with?
What kind of winehouse?
Stronger than me.
Oh, is that a new winehouse?
Yeah, here's a delicious, fresh note.
No, this is an old winehouse.
This is from 2003?
Yeah, in a colloquial manner.
Yeah, I'm just being positive.
Yeah.
Uh, here's a delicious bottle of Winehouse.
Oh dear, Amy Winehouse... She looked delicious, this Winehouse.
She made that... noise with her bottom, did she?
Well, that's understandable.
She's been eating some very bad food.
But this Winehouse is absolutely delicious.
Where did you get it?
I bought it from Waitrose.
Did you really?
I mean, was it in a special rack?
It was.
You're really roaming with that one, aren't you?
Well, am I?
I was thinking of a special rack.
And a bottle of wine in its... Winehouse's special rack.
Yeah, a bottle of wine tucked into Winehouse's rack.
Is that her bony rack?
Yeah, is it bony?
Yeah, usually.
Yeah, is it?
It used to be, like, nice and curvaceous, but recently it's got a bit bony.
She's sort of been replaced, hasn't she?
By Duffy.
Really?
Isn't that what happened?
Winehouse was ready to take the 60s soul mantle.
And then she ran into some trouble.
She did.
She displayed an inability to not behave wonkily.
And so they lined up Duffy and popped her in her place.
Is that what's happening?
You could say that when Winehouse started to get a little, shall we say, vampiric, then Duffy, the vampire slayer, came along.
Yes.
And that was quite... That's a good idea for a film.
Is it?
Yeah, James Corden and Matthew Horn could star in it.
That's a very... Well, that's just a good idea for any film.
Yeah, or for anything.
Or for anything.
I'm surprised they're not doing this show.
For a new show on BBC3, they can do some kind of thing with a live audience, I was thinking.
Yeah.
and maybe one of them could remove their shirt.
Did you watch that?
Yeah, it was, it was good.
Yeah.
Okay, so what are we gonna do now?
Uh, a radio show on BBC Six Music.
You were gonna say something.
I think it started 15 minutes ago.
Oh yeah, I was just gonna tell listeners that last week I got very angry with the beautiful and clever Charlotte.
Oh.
just seeing if she responds she's our assistant she's actually she sits through a double pane of soundproof glass i think mostly playing solitaire or checking her facebook for three hours no that's not true she works very hard but i gave her a hard time last week about not uh
rooting the printer correctly.
I kept printing out emails and they kept turning out of the printer upstairs, not the one out here.
So I said Charlotte, sort it out, and anyway she has.
Did you say it in that voice, in that accent though as well?
No.
Charlotte, sort it out.
Sort it out.
She respects that kind of voice.
Yeah.
Anyway, it's exciting news.
I believe she's sorted it out and she said without prompting with a cheeky, slightly sarcastic look on her face just now, oh, I've sorted out the printer.
It's a little bit of disrespect.
What is it?
A tiny bit of disrespect.
Well, good.
Well, I'm going to let that slide for the moment.
You carry on, Charlotte.
So all emails that we received this morning will be read out with no incumbents.
Is that the right word?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Incumbents is exactly the right word.
Now we're going to play some more music.
This is a free choice for you listeners.
And we got an email.
We're going to resolve song wars within the next hour.
It's our 80s song wars.
And one of the lyrics I used in my 80s song wars song was, Ad Rock broke my Rubik's Cube and Mike D punched Rick Astley.
MCA watched MTV.
The whole thing was quiet ghastly or just ghastly.
Someone writes in who is this Ricardo Lewis from Cardiff says hi chaps loving the show as always but I feel the need to take task with Adams 80 song wars effort this week because of those lyrics I can't believe you did this rhyming Astley with ghastly that honor memorably belongs to Nick Lowe
and his classic 1990s song, All Men are Liars, which contains the opening lines.
Do you remember Rick Astley?
He had a big fat hit.
That was ghastly.
I'm frankly gobsmacked by this gap in your otherwise wonderful knowledge of popular culture, so any chance of playing some Nick Lowe on the show?
He actually wanted me to play the track All Men are Liars, but we haven't got it in the Big British Castle locker, shamefully.
So instead, Ricardo, I'm going to play this one, which is always good to hear.
This is So It Goes.
That was Skeleton Boy by Friendly Fires.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
It's a Saturday morning and it's a joy to be with you.
Joy to be alive, you know?
Just to be functioning within fairly normal parameters.
Isn't it?
What do you think?
I think I agree.
I've got some jokes for you, Joe.
Oh, brilliant.
Do you want to hear them?
Yeah.
I made these up.
Like I've been making, I've been thinking, like, do you ever think of jokes?
What, like old school traditional jokes?
No, no, no.
Ones that you've made up.
But I mean, what form would the jokes take?
Just, uh, you mean proper, like, cracker joke book jokes?
No, no, no.
Just funny things.
Funny things, yeah.
Uh, no, I never think of those.
Do you not?
Ah, well done.
Um, my one, so I've been saving these up, right?
And today I had the third one.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Like, I had one, I thought of one at Christmas, then I thought of one a couple of weeks ago.
I had one at Christmas.
Did you?
Do you want to tell me yours?
Yeah, it wasn't necessarily a joke, it was just a clever thing to say.
There you go, that's all I'm talking about.
My girlfriend said, oh, I've got indigestion.
And I said to her, well, why don't you get out of digestion?
See?
And it was just like that.
It didn't take me a second.
Brilliant.
I was straight back with that.
Bang.
Digestion.
Nice.
Does that count?
Yeah, definitely.
Compared to mine, it counts.
Compared to mine, it's amazing.
Here's the first of mine, right?
Sorry, I've got a little frog in my throat.
That's not part of the joke.
This is real.
This is actual real.
It's actual real.
It's so real.
Yeah, it's actual reality, that was.
Okay, here's the first of my jokes.
Here's a name for a TV show about a couple of Welsh people whose romantic conversations are listened into by the Secret Service.
Right.
Gavin and Stasi.
Nice.
Now I know the sort of joke you mean.
Right.
Where you think of a funny little word pen and you sort of think backwards to justify it.
What do you mean?
You're right.
I was analyzing it too.
Yeah, I'm way too much on now.
Keep going second one.
Keep cracking.
Okay A name for a band made up of wrapping babies the no solids crew Hey
That's good.
Well, a bit more of a reaction would be nice there.
No, that's good.
Well, it's intellectual.
I'm finding it hard to actually laugh, because its strength is it's clever.
The no solids, because they don't eat solid food yet, because they're babies.
They rap, so it's all... That's very good.
...in there.
Do you know where you're going to use these jokes yet?
You shouldn't use them on the show.
Yeah, maybe the Royal Variety performance.
Right.
Good idea.
Good target.
When I get invited.
Good goal.
You know, because it's only a matter of time, surely.
It is.
Before I get invited there.
Here's the last joke now the last joke I made up this morning.
It's not as good as the other ones Mmm, it's not good as no solids crew and Gavin and Starzy.
Yeah, but I'm gonna give it to you anyway Do you think this is less?
This is more amorphous this joke.
Do you think?
If a guy called Bob goes and gets a job at cafe Nero, he's called Robert De Niro Oh
Alright, well I told you that one wasn't as good as the No Solids crew and Gavin and Stasi, but I just thought I'd pop it in there to make it the three.
You know?
I'm still thinking about the last one.
Alright, we'll play The Damned while you think a little bit more.
This is Love Song.
Yeah, that's good, isn't it?
That's The Damned with Love Song, Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
Yeah, in a second, listeners, we're going to get into revealing the results of the exciting Ultimate 80s song wars.
We played you two homemade songs last week, and you've been voting all week.
Hundreds of you.
Yeah, literally in your hundreds.
Was there over a hundred votes, do you think?
There were over a hundred votes.
Easily.
Was there over 200 votes?
Now, why do you have to push it like that?
No.
Well, because I need to be grammatically correct.
This is the BBC.
I can't use hundred plural.
Hundreds, if there weren't over 200 votes.
Right.
That would be a lie.
It would be, you would not be safeguarding trust.
That would be disgusting.
There were 190 votes.
You would be betraying trust.
Yes, the bond of trust.
You would be like going, it would be like going up to a little trusting girl or boy aged, maybe six.
Yeah, and shoving them in the face.
Shoving them over into some mud.
And maybe making sure that they go face down into that mud.
That's exactly what you would be doing.
Well, I'm not doing that.
We don't do that here at The Beast.
So stand by for those results coming right after the news.
Did he say that was dedicated to Joe?
Yes, he did.
And he said I should grab my what?
Bones-er.
My bones-er?
I think so.
I don't think he said that, did he?
Yeah.
What else would he say?
What is that?
What are you worried he said something filthy?
What's my bones-er?
Your bones.
Oh, grab my bones.
Yeah, grab your bones.
How do you grab your bones?
I don't know, you just pop one out and then grab it.
Really?
Yeah.
I'd have to penetrate my skin.
Yeah, you'd have to have an accident.
Is that what he really wants?
That's what he wants.
Really?
That's what they're like.
I suppose if I jump around enough, the bones might penetrate the skin.
Yeah, that's the thing.
I mean, that was House of Pain, of course, and that's a guaranteed floor-filling smash.
It is a smash.
To this day.
Quite raucous at this time in the morning on a Saturday.
Wow.
It's music, you know.
I mean, it's supposed to be a young people's station.
You and I know that very few young people actually listen.
That's not true.
Of course that's not true.
I'm joking.
It's just a joke.
Calm down.
You're not another joke.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gavin and Stasi.
Right?
Out of digestion.
The No Solids crew.
It's good.
So listen, listeners, it's time to reveal the winner of this week's Song Wars.
And that means it's time to play the exciting song wars jingle.
It's time for Song Wars.
The War of the Songs.
A couple of tunes by a couple.
On a tangent, uh, you know what I think you just did Adam?
No.
I think you stumbled upon a subject for text the nation.
Jokes you made up.
Oh yeah?
Yeah?
That you're convinced you've made up.
Right.
Because everyone does that, you know, you have a slip of the tongue and say something stupidly and then
Recontextualize it as a hilarious joke.
I'm not saying that's what you did yours were obviously scientifically crafted in in a in a humor a laughter lab a joke lab Yeah, joke lab because they're very very funny.
Thank powerful.
They work But you know listeners, maybe you think you've made some sort of a formulated some kind of a joke that no one else has ever formulated
That's true.
You know, I did a gig last night, and one of the chaps that came along to the gig did a gag that I must say I thought that either I'd thought of, or maybe I'd read somewhere else.
Well, comedy's full of comedians complaining that other people have stolen their material.
And in very seldom happens.
What does happen is that you just think you thought of it yourself, you know?
I don't know anyone who actually goes out and hears somebody else's joke and goes, hmm, I think I'll use that.
I mean, they say that those people do exist, but I think the other reason is probably more common, you know?
Anyway, that's a tangent.
Like, the joke I heard was the one about... No, I was finishing.
I was closing.
You were closing the tangent?
Yeah, I was closing that off.
I shut that door.
I just, there's a little slip road.
You just walked right into it.
There is a little slip road.
The door's closed now.
We were moving on.
Just driving off on the slip road.
Go on then.
It was just going to explain the joke that I thought maybe... Which joke?
The Obama one.
He was making a joke about Obama saying, I don't really think, you know, his speeches weren't that great, you know, saying, yes, we can all the time.
I mean, who's his speechwriter, Bob the Builder?
That's the one.
And I thought, I thought, I think I've heard that one somewhere else.
I wasn't sure.
Yeah.
Finished?
Yeah, thanks.
That's alright, man.
I let you say it.
Yeah, but I mean, you really barred the slip road there.
Well, it's a matter of time.
You know, we've got to move on.
That's true.
Song Wars last week, listeners, was all about 80s music.
We were trying to compose the ultimate 80s song.
I did a kind of ABC tribute.
And Adam did a, what was it?
A Philoke tribute?
Well, it was a mixture of there was bits of Philoke, bits of Pet Shop Boys, that kind of thing.
I've got to say, as you know, listeners, we get all the emails and stuff sent to us during the week and quite a lot of the votes were sent through.
Yes, that's not normal.
It's not normal.
It's good.
Well, I've bullied the production staff to try and send us everything So we've got a new producer this week listeners Jeff because Ben's gone away on a on a motorbike holiday in Vietnam with Ewan McGregor.
Yeah and Jeff Brilliantly sent through all the but you did send through like almost all of them So I know that it's it's looking quite bad for my APC songs
I couldn't help noticing that.
Yeah, it wasn't looking good.
I think I... Well, we'll see.
I might be wrong.
There might have been a last minute rally.
But Jeff has also been saying to Adam in the last half hour, Adam, your song is the 80s song, right?
And then just now he said, Adam, let me just make 100% sure this is your song.
And then he played a clip of it.
So that's given me one or two hints as well.
Yeah.
But imagine if it went the other way now.
Well, that would be exciting.
You know, that would really get the production team off the hook.
Yeah.
Because it would mean that all of Jeff's appalling signals that have blatantly given away who's won would actually be a brilliantly clever manipulation.
Yeah.
That would be good, wouldn't it?
But I don't think that's what happened, is it?
So here are the results in the sealed envelope.
190 votes.
Yeah.
That's good.
Yeah.
Good voting.
Before I say the results.
I'm going to read an email, right?
This is from somebody called, oh no, no, it's called, it's from Jerry.
I thought I'd left the name off, but it's from Jerry O'Donohoe.
Is that a lady or a man if it's spelled G-E-R-I?
I would say a woman.
Okay, a lady woman.
She says, hi Adam and Joe, I've observed a recurring trend in your song wars songs, which I thought I should bring to your attention.
Adam's songs are very factual and straightforward, often recounting the history of something or telling us the listeners what Adam feels about that weak subject.
The production of Adam's songs echoes the realist nature of his lyrics, never relying on unnecessary donks or effects, choosing rather to allow his lyrics and performance to tell the song.
Eh, what do you reckon on that?
Not entirely accurate.
Joe's songs have a tendency to veer into the surreal, often featuring fiction situations which Joe plays out singing from the main character's perspective rather than voicing his own thoughts.
Also, Joe's production is much more elaborate, displaying a vision which matches the creativity of his lyrics and his understanding of the importance of multi-layering music and backing vocal tracks.
Also, Joe seems to have a brightness and intelligence that Adams lacks.
Wait a second.
His hair is bouncy and light and fresh.
His complexion is beautiful and translucent.
And he's got lovely knees.
And he's got beautiful knees.
I made up the end of that.
But before a certain point, up until the words vocal tracks, that was all Jerry's actual email.
What a brilliant analysis.
Yeah, that's great.
That's flattering to me.
That's very nice, Jerry.
Thank you very much for that.
But let's see who's won, shall we?
Shall we?
Okay.
Let's see if that carries us.
The winner, unless, uh, in case you haven't guessed, is Adam has won with 57%.
Oh, that was close.
Joe 43%.
Wow.
Oh, I could have handled a bit more of a romping win, but still, I don't deserve it because yours was very good.
Uh, if you, if I don't, if you don't deserve it, then that means mine was better.
No, no, no.
I don't deserve a romping win.
Okay.
You just, but you do deserve the win.
I would say so.
How complacent.
That's a little bit complacent, isn't it?
Let's hear the winning song.
This is Adam's 80s song.
One thing that I really hate is how we are no longer in the 80s.
I wish dark brown from back to the future could take me back there now in his glory and calm.
Going back to the 80s, a decade of fun You could make lots of cash in gender bending the sun You could dress like a commerce or a pirate from space And draw wavy lines on your face
Margaret Thatcher, shoulder pads, new kids on the block, fresh, bloody popping, funny Eddie Murphy, metal Mickey, a day glow sock, New York girls who dressed all slutty, boys from Camden who were nutty, the king of pop when he was black, um, shack attack.
I live in the exits, my life is fantastic I've got a giant flat made of money and plastic I play space invaders, I drive a C5 What a great time to be alive This is a sample of James Brown Scratch, scratch, scratching, scratching I'm a sexy woman
We had the Beastie Boys for tea, their behaviour was disgraceful They vomited on Adam Ant and boy George got a face full Adrock broke my Rubik's Cube and Mike Dee punched Rick Astley MCA watched MTV, the whole thing was just ghastly The 80s were destroyed by the Beastie Boys
They were so rude and made a terrible noise Why did they have to shout at the end of every line?
They followed and everything was fine Oh, take me back today, it's horrible here There's crappy 80's music, unemployment and fear Oh wait, they had those then of course I nearly forgot In fact, things haven't changed a lot
There we go, the winning Song Wars song there, Adam's 80s song.
Only 57% of the vote, so that means a significant proportion of the listeners are going to be quite angry about that.
Well I'd like to thank every single listener who voted for my song.
Sometimes I think that people who like my work are too sophisticated and intellectual to dirty their lovely porcelain hands with such a smutty thing as well.
voting when you say sometimes radio i imagine you think that quite a lot but listen here's the thing that takes the edge off my victory right yeah bring it on i was watching the new series of flight of the concourse online this week and it's going out in the states at the moment it's very good and um the latest episode featured uh germane and brett
turning themselves into a... They were trying to be cool, basically, and one of the ways that they were trying to be cool was doing a retro 80s synth act, which a lot of bands are doing, of course, as we have noted many times on this program.
So they come up with the ultimate 80s song.
And it sounds very, very similar thematically to mine, like they have touched on a number of very similar styles.
So we have a listen.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Jeff, I never told you what track it was.
It's track four on the CD there, and this is a little clip of the concords.
Gazzercise Lip gloss You think you know fashion Well, fashion's a stranger You think fashion's your friend My friend, fashion is danger
Posing at the bar.
Posing sitting down.
Posing in the distance.
Posing with my arm.
Posing with my leg.
Posing like a swan.
Posing for a portrait.
Posing your threads.
So there you go, that is like the concords there with a clip from their new series and that's their ultimate 80s song.
It's very similar, isn't it?
Except much, much better.
Did you notice that?
I wouldn't necessarily say that.
They've probably got more expensive fangly production techniques now.
And actual musical skills.
They had very good synth sounds there, didn't they?
Yeah, yeah, they did.
Synths sounds are quite hard to come by.
But that was similar.
In fact, I can remember being chastised several shows ago.
I'm not sure which song was it was.
It was the French one.
It's just a question of knowing when to use the list
that's the end of song wars oh my gosh it was an epic wasn't it sorry to ramble and meander like that but thank you very much indeed for all your votes now it's time for some real music this is Paul Weller with all I want to do that's well uh Paul Weller with all I want to do is be with you that's new weller isn't it
Yeah, yeah, that new album is supposed to be amazing.
I've not heard it properly yet, though.
I've got to apply myself.
This weekend, that's what I'm going to do this weekend.
I'm going to get home.
Catch up with fashionable new music.
Catch up with the Weller, yeah, or listen to the Animal Collective record again, check all my music facts.
Things are going to be different.
Is there going to be a fashion makeover?
Yeah, skinny jeans.
I'm gonna go on an Afghan scarf.
Radical diet as well.
This time next week I'm gonna be a very different proposition.
Yeah, I'm excited by this announcement.
Yeah, it's gonna be crazy.
It's about time you got with it.
I'm gonna get a stylist as well.
Are you?
I think you should move out of your house and just sleep on friends' couches.
That's the cool thing to do.
What about my family?
That's all right.
They won't mind.
They'll appreciate you can pop around every now and then a bit drunk and oh And just like kip on the sofa.
Yeah for a bit.
That's how kids live these days, right?
You know if you watch skins and stuff or listen to the music of Pete dirty Yeah, then that's how you don't need to have a house anymore.
Be like a rock dad exactly rock dad.
Yeah.
Yeah
Yeah.
Come around all messed up and I'm more screwed up than the kids are.
Yeah.
That's the deal.
Yeah.
So when they're teenagers, they're giving me advice.
Yeah.
What a reversal.
What a switcheroo.
Yeah.
I mean, that's what it's like living these days.
It's crazy.
I'm telling you it's upside down.
So listen, what about this text the nation?
I did.
I think this is a go of you.
You're made up jokes.
Let's try it.
We're going to try it.
That is going to be the official text the nation nation subject this week listeners.
What's the worst that could happen?
Lots of really, really bad jokes.
That's not what's the absolute worst that could happen.
An earthquake.
That's too extreme.
That's not connected to text the nation either, is it?
No.
I'm thinking about something directly connected to the very worst that could happen.
Someone sends us in a very racist joke.
We don't quite realize it's racist.
We read it out by accident.
We get fired.
No, the Daily Mail finds out they launch a campaign, another campaign against the BBC.
This one is the one that, the straw that broke the camel's back, the whole corporation crumbles, thousands of people are laid off.
It's all our fault for this text the nation idea.
Let's do it.
Okay, so the idea- Should we make it official by having the jingle?
Yeah.
We've had some complaints, listeners, that we've been using the short text the nation jingle.
So, Geoff, are you gonna be able to play the long one?
Let's have to do it.
Text the nation!
Text, text, text!
Text the nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation!
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
Was that the longer one?
That's as long as it is.
Good.
There we go.
So that's it.
It's official now.
Text the nation.
This week is jokes you're convinced you've made up.
This is as distinct from, for instance, dad jokes, like bad jokes your parents make.
Or would that qualify?
Because parents often make bad jokes, and dads especially like to make bad jokes over and over again.
Different genre, but still that would be a joke a dad had made up.
That's why you say them, because you're convinced you thought of them.
And you're waiting to get the laugh you think they deserve.
So you just don't let go, you pummel people with them.
out of digestion.
Gavin and Stasi.
You see?
Yeah.
So maybe that does blur a bit.
But jokes you're convinced you've made up.
We've already had a few sent through that I've heard before.
So we're going to be putting some people out of their misery.
Okay.
Out of their authorship delusion.
Really?
Oh, that's the authorship delusion.
That's my new book!
I've just done a deal with Pam McMillan, literally just then.
The Authorship Delusion by Joe Cornish.
No idea what it's about, but it's selling like hot toddies.
We could do the audiobook as well.
I just got that, you know, the God Delusion.
Still haven't read it.
What's that about?
Oh, it's Dawkins.
Got it on audiobook.
Because I like the way Dawkins sounds very nice and he's got a lovely voice.
So he's soothing when you're listening to him.
Justin Dawkins.
Propaganda.
Listen, here's a free play.
This is the band Stereo Lab and this is called French Disco.
That was Too Fake by Hockey.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.
It's time for textination.
Do you remember the first joke you ever made up?
Oh gosh.
I do.
I was at a friend's birthday party and we used to sing Kumbaya a lot at school.
Kumbaya my lord.
Suddenly occurred to me.
Cucumber my lord.
And I vividly remember spitting my entire drink out over the table and all my friends.
Age to earn hold yeah, I spit I spitted is that the right word spot must have been about seven I spitted my drink all over my best friend Matthew slot over who now edits freeze magazine That's right.
I spat it I sprayed him because I thought that was so funny.
It is very funny funny cucumber So text the nation this week listeners is all about Jokes you think you've made up.
Yeah, and if they're really quite crap
That's quite good.
Yes.
But the nice thing is if you think they're amazing, you know, because there's something about a joke that you've made up, even if it's sort of mutated, slightly, you know, unable to survive, you still love it.
Yes.
And you want it to be loved.
You feel a sense of pride.
And that's the thing, like, you maybe you keep that joke in an attic, like a strange child.
Yeah.
And then this is an opportunity for you to bring that strange child out of the attic and introduce it to the world.
Here's a very good one from Lee and Brighton.
It's very important you send us your names, because if any of these jokes reoccur maybe in someone's stand-up set, then we can sue them.
Exactly.
And give the money to charity.
To comic relief.
Yeah.
What a generous thing of us to say.
Completely fictional, speculative, charitable gesture that in no way will ever enter the sphere of reality.
How big of us?
Yeah, but we want to.
That's good, isn't it?
Yeah, it's the thought of the cat.
It's true.
That's part of us.
I mean, I know comic relief is based on more than thoughts.
It's based on actual charitable contributions.
Mind you, a lot of it is pledges.
Right.
Isn't it?
For the next several months they have to go around actually getting the money off people.
Isn't that right?
So our pledge is based on the possibility of suing a comedian.
Yeah, for using one of these appalling jokes.
It's good, it's good.
It's gonna make a lot of money for people in need.
Here is an email from Liam Brighton.
He says, Good morrow, Adam and Joe.
It's sort of medieval greeting.
Here's a joke that I did make up and did make.
What?
Here's a joke that I did make up and did make when decorating the living room the other day.
Ah, right.
Did you hear about the Dalek decorator?
They can only do external paint, external paint, external paint, brackets said in a Dalek voice.
That's very good.
What's his name?
Lee.
Wow.
Yup.
I wonder if that's Lee the decorator who decorated our house.
Maybe it is.
You reckon?
Could he be living in Brighton?
You make it sound as if we live in the same house.
Ex-dano paint.
Like Dick and Dom.
We do.
In Dabungalow we live.
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about Lee who came round and decorated Dabungalow?
Bungals.
Bungle building.
That's our address, Adam and Jo.
Dab bungalow.
I wish we were Dick and Dom.
That's one of the best programmes ever on television.
Because they moved out of Dab Bungalow.
In television.
Television history.
Right.
I sincerely believe that.
Yeah, you always love it.
Because they were repeating it.
It's amazing.
Yeah.
And now they've been taken off.
No, they've got a new show.
They've got a medieval show.
Yeah, it's not the same now.
Oh, my children love it.
It's very good.
Do they love it?
Yeah.
Good.
They're brilliant.
It's a funny story.
Do you want another one?
Yes, please.
Hi, chaps.
I'm a dad, and I like making up silly jokes to upset my children's senses.
Here's my latest effort.
What do you call a president that keeps having accidents?
Oh, this is terrible.
Why didn't I read this through first?
Bad luck, Obama.
That is awful.
And then after that he writes, ta-da!
Get it?
Oh, I'm off to my shed then.
All the best, Bill.
Bad luck, Obama.
Wow, his children must be upset.
Just the bee and the cane.
Shut up, Dad!
Shut up!
Obama because it sounds a bit like Barack.
That's the thinking behind it.
Yeah, well done Obama.
Oh, I'm not I think I'm gonna have to read through some of these because they're making my head hurt We've only had to I know but they're so powerful They're too strong the no solids crew
Yeah, nothing's as strong as that.
Right?
Rapping babies.
Or why don't you get out of digestion?
Mine's not so good, is it?
He works in Cafe Nero, and he's called Robert De Niro.
More jokes you think you've made up are coming very soon.
I'm gonna filter them a bit more thoroughly, though, because, um... Yeah, because of what you just heard.
You're frightened of the joke power.
Yeah, you've got to be careful.
Fair enough.
You've got to ration them.
Easy man.
Here's Jimmy Cliff with The Harder They Come.
Jim Alt, The Cliff Man with The Harder They Come.
Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
Now Joe, what's your current position on littering, public littering?
I really, really despise public littering.
Yeah, I mean, they've got a new campaign at the moment with people who have had their noses changed into pig noses.
Really?
To make it clear that people who do litter are pigs, pig people.
Right.
Do you think that's a good way of going?
Well, that might be a little bit strong.
No, I don't think it's strong enough.
You know, my thought is that if you treat the world like a dustbin, then the world will treat you like a dustbin.
Like a dustbin.
that's what I think when I see people littering I just think well that's sad because if you care that little about things then you know what goes around comes around maybe that's gonna that that one little action is gonna resonate through your life right and you'll just have might have a bad life the comic dustbin you've got to look after the details exactly you know
Put things in binny bins definitely in the binny.
Maybe these are people who have been spiritually binned themselves, right?
They've come from tough tough backgrounds and they are now taking it out on the rest of the world and environment in the world dropping Chris pack
But it's no excuse.
I mean, that is one area of your life that you really can manage fairly well.
I'd pick it up.
I'd pick up the litter in the street outside my house.
So do I. Yeah.
Yesterday I got a face mask, you know, like a builder's breathable mask, a pair of bud headphones, and a very, very, very, very long bit of blue bog roll.
I don't think it had been used, but I picked it up and it was a bit disgusting and being used in a bog type of way.
Oh, these are things you picked up.
I thought you were going out wearing like a mask.
No, no, no, no.
These are things I picked up.
Right.
Did you have gloves on?
It's a Trevor trove.
It's an absolute Trevor trove.
Yeah.
Were you wearing any kind of protection?
No, no.
Just use my hands and wash them.
Exciting stuff.
I put on gloves because I live in the countryside now, right?
And we've got a country lane.
Surely there's no litter.
There is litter everywhere in the country.
I know it's a disgrace, it's a saddening disgrace.
What people do, obviously, is especially young people, I'm assuming, young people in their souped-up boogie mobiles.
They drive along the country lanes and they wind down their windows, they lob cans out.
of there's this one stretch of lane right near where we live and it's just uh... litter street and they just lob empty cans of drink alcoholic drink cans they go out there and they just lob them out on the side but they will lob anything out there this one guy right who clearly folds up his crisp empty crisp packet into a long strip and then he ties it in a knot
Then he lobs it out the window.
Because I went on a big tidying mission last weekend.
Good for you, good for you.
And with a big bin bag and stuff.
And I found these little bows, crisp packet bows, all along.
This guy just... He's a repeater fender.
You see, this has crossed my mind as well.
I fantasised about getting a garden chair and sitting in the street with a digital camera.
And maybe one of those fluorescent jackets that makes you appear to work for the council.
Yeah, and just photographing litter bugs.
Definitely.
You know?
What would you do though?
Nothing.
But just the fact that this man with the fluorescent thing was there taking their photo.
And you could look at the pictures of them at night and just go, oh, I could publish some sort of a newsletter.
Right, that would be the thing to do.
Vigilante type.
Name and shame.
Yeah, name and shame.
Exactly.
For litter labs.
Here's the item of litter that got me most angry and upset on every level.
It was a discarded tin of paint.
with a plastic bag around it because clearly what had happened is this paint had leaked in somebody's car or whatever.
They got annoyed and they just lobbed it out of the window on the side of the road.
That's a common symptom.
I get little plastic bags of people's rubbish like little mini bin bags but they've tied them up all neatly but then just left that in the street, in the gutter.
But a can of paint
You know, they care enough about their own domestic environment that they would go out and buy some paint to make that look nice.
But then when it leaks a little bit, I'm going to throw it in the road in a country lane.
You know, because I don't care about anyone else in the world.
I mean, what are we going to do about it?
What are we going to do about it?
Maybe the same police force that enforces the gig manifesto.
The pigeon detectives.
We're going to talk about later.
Maybe they could police the litter.
Well, it's stretching them very thin.
I think the solution is tough penalties.
You reckon?
Life.
Litter.
Life for littering.
Yeah.
That litterates as well, so it must be good.
The litter lifers.
And they would get brutalized in the showers.
Oh, yes.
This is the greatest crime of all.
It's the worst.
The uh, the screws would turn a blind eye.
That's right.
Coming into the litter.
He's in for litter.
It's gonna be a long night for him.
Can of paint.
Don't fancy his chance.
He's gonna get shivved.
He deserves it as well.
You know what?
He deserves it.
We should go into politics.
We really should.
Some kind of extreme right wing party for anti-litter on the anti-litter vote.
Anyway, here's some music for you now, listeners.
This is the Boomtown Rats.
Have you heard of the Boomtown Rats, Joe?
No.
There's a hairy man in charge.
Right.
And he's out to change the world.
Is he a charitable activist?
Yeah, that kind of thing.
He's a genius.
And he's written a song here called I Never Loved Eva Braun.
Hey, why doesn't he give all his money to charity?
I think he's done that.
Has he?
Yeah.
Oh, he's a multi-millionaire.
He lives in a box now.
Does he?
In a shoe box.
I hope so.
Otherwise, wouldn't it be a tiny bit hypocritical?
It'd be cynical.
Yeah.
I mean, what if he ran a hugely lucrative media company?
Oh, come on.
He's doing his bit for the world.
You're right.
He's doing more than I'm doing.
Exactly.
What are you doing?
You're pledging imaginary... That was you.
Imaginary winnings from... I'm helping sort out the litter problem.
This is the boomtown rats from their second album I believe it was called a tonic for the troops and this is a track called I never loved Eva Braun enjoy the boomtown rats with I never loved Eva Braun this is Adam and Joe here on BBC six music we're gonna return to text the nation right now and We don't do we need to play the jingle here?
Let's not let's go straight into the we can't go straight into it without the jingle all right fair enough
Do you think that jingle's gonna be overplayed?
Well, do you think it was overplayed and it's come back round again?
I'm a little bit worried about it, yeah.
Are you?
Let's get in, let's have some jokes.
Okay.
I'm excited.
Here are some good jokes.
So here's one very good joke that's coming from Dermot.
And what I like about this joke is the sort of effort that it takes to set it up.
when compared to the payoff.
Text the Nation this week if you've just tuned in is it's all about jokes you've made up yourself.
It has to be genuine, they have to be sort of stupid bits of wordplay that occur to you and you construct some sort of insane logical scheme to turn them into a joke.
You work backwards, yeah?
Yeah, the more rubbish the better.
Here we go.
What?
What did one sheep farmer from Market Harbor say to the other after a hard day's work?
I don't know.
That's less to shear.
Quite good.
Well, I like the fact that you have to get Market Harbor in, which is in less to shear.
And you have to get sheep farmers, obviously.
That's quite good, isn't it?
Yeah.
But it's labored and that's what I like about it.
It's very labored.
I mean it's a good joke though, there must be some... It would never appear in a stand-up routine, would it?
I don't know.
But yet still the guy that thought of it, and this guy who's heard of it, they can't get it out of their heads.
It's got some intrinsic worth.
It's hard to find an application for it.
Well, there's a good, I mean, there's a home for all jokes, you know, it's just a question of finding that home.
Yeah, it's here on this program.
Hi Adam and Jo, here's a joke I made up and have used in social circles several times.
What do you call an Italian who can talk to the dead?
Oh, I don't know.
You should be able to guess this one.
No, I can't.
Luigi board.
That's very good.
Thanks Gareth in Lantwit Major.
Yeah, that's not going to the retirement home.
That's brilliant.
Oh, here's another one.
My brother also claims he made this one up.
What time?
Sorry, mate.
I'm just laughing at the Ouija board.
Okay, my brother claims he made this one up.
What time is Sean Connery going to Wimbledon?
Tennis.
That's good.
That's amazing.
That's good.
Did he really make that up?
I'm impressed.
Yeah, his brother, his brother.
The brother isn't named Gareth's brother.
That's very good.
That's a funny family.
Ten-ish.
Here's a really confusing one.
Oh, no, I get it now.
I get it now.
I made up a joke the other day, says Captain Luton.
What do you call a posh TV presenter dancing to reggae in a peat bog?
That's got three different conditioning things.
Fen Bogle.
It's like Ben Fogle backwards.
Was that good?
No, it took too much thought.
Absolutely wrong.
It didn't really boing.
Whose is that one?
That was from Captain Luton.
That's a disgrace, Captain Luton.
Emma in Witness in Cheshire says, Hi, Adam and Joe, this is a bespoke gem from my boyfriend, Nick.
What do you call a cannibalistic public speaker?
We don't know.
Hannibal Lectern.
Nice.
That's good.
I mean, I feel that that must have been made before.
Do you think?
Yeah.
These are very good.
I mean, we could put some kind of joke.
You know, these are better than cracker jokes at the very least.
They're much better than cracker jokes.
Keep them coming in.
What's the text number there?
I keep forgetting it.
64046.
Nice one.
Here's a bit more music.
Who's this?
This is Dan Black with Alone.
Just ignore it.
Then it'll leave you alone.
That's Dan Black.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.
It's just gone.
10.30.
It's time for the news.
That was a soul to soul with get a life.
Get a life.
And this is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
Oh, back pain.
Oh, have you got a little bit of quenching there?
You've got back pain.
Oh, man.
How about a kneel?
Ow.
We're getting old.
Is this the first time I've ever had back pain?
It's awful, man.
Get ready, you know, get used to it.
This is what happens.
Is it?
No one talks about these things.
Oh, I'm gonna, you're gonna have to handle this one.
Mate.
Well, I was, you know, I was thinking.
I'm going, I'm going.
Are you really in trouble there?
Goodbye, goodbye.
You need some bone cracking.
Joe's actually kneeling on the floor of the studio now.
She's actually kneeling on the floor of the studio!
Well, it looks eccentric.
Uh, you know, I was looking at the, um, caramel digestives that Yare left earlier on there.
Did he?
Uh, right here, look at them.
Oh, look at them.
And I've already snaffled one of them.
Really?
I'd like to snaffle loads more, but, you know, the thing that's putting me off at the moment, apart from the fact that, obviously,
There's just all kinds of encroaching fatness problems.
Is that advert on the telly for the warning about strokes?
Have you seen that one, the NHS one?
Yeah, the man in his face melts.
There's a one where a man at a football match in his face is melting.
Joe is now lying on the floor of the studio, listening.
That's the sound of him moving his microphone.
It's just better for the back.
He's now lying.
It's like a Howard Stern program or something.
Keep talking.
Well, your back's suddenly twinged and now you have to lie on the floor.
Yeah, keep going though.
But you know the ads I mean, right?
Yes.
I mean, are they not the most horrific thing you have ever seen on TV in your life?
Like the scale of horror that I have not seen on tellies since the 80s when they used to have stuff about nuclear war and things like that, you know what I mean?
Yes.
Are you getting up now?
Yes.
That's better now.
It's better now.
The thing I think about those adverts is they usually use a technique that you've seen in a feature film.
They had one for road traffic accidents that used the horror effects from Japanese horror films.
where a sort of a body whose bones are all broken gets up and starts to walk.
A bit like the famous spider walking sequence that was cut out of the film The Exorcist.
Well, it was a girl had been knocked over and she was lying by a tree and then the film starts going backwards.
Yeah, but often you've seen the technique they use in a horror film a couple of years before and the stroke one is very reminiscent of Steven Spielberg's AI.
Yes.
When Hailey Joel Osmert's robot boy eats some real food instead of sympathy food.
And his face goes wonkaloid.
It's awful.
I mean, that's a horrific moment in that film.
But in reality, when they're actually talking to you about something that really happens to people, it happens to an alarming amount of people, you know.
Stroke also known as a brain attack of course.
Well, I don't know.
I was hoping you might provide one.
I mean, the good thing... I'm finding it hard to, you know, see an opening for anything upbeat.
There's got to be a fun spin on strokes and brain attacks, isn't there?
No.
Well, the thing... I guess the upbeat thing would be awareness, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
And talk... talking about it.
Yeah, well done.
Because that's the... that's the upbeat thing that people try and find in these very frightening situations is awareness and spreading knowledge.
Fast.
Fast is the acronym you have to remember with strokes, isn't it?
What is that?
I can't remember.
F is for face.
Is your face going wonky?
A is arms.
Can you raise your arms?
S is stroke.
T is trouble.
That's what we're going to get into.
Yeah.
If we carry on talking about this.
Basically, it's all about recognizing the signs for stroke and phoning the emergency services as quickly as possible because the faster you act, the more or the less damage that might be done to the brain is the thing.
Have you thought of an upbeat ending yet?
No!
I tell you, the upbeat ending is to play Daniel by Bat for Lashes.
Alright, here it is.
Lovely, lovely Natasha Khan with Daniel.
Uh, Bat for Lashes, of course.
This is Adam and Joe here on Six Music.
Now, do we have a juvenile jingle by any chance?
I sprung that one on you there, Geoff.
Sorry about that.
Geoff is filling in for our regular producer, Ben, here on Six Music.
This is quite a challenge for Geoff.
Yeah, he's got us scrambling.
So a few weeks ago we were playing clips that we'd unearthed of ourselves as children pretending to be DJs on fictional radio stations and we asked you the listeners to send us any old tapes you had of yourselves pretending to be on the radio and doing juvenile DJing
And this is another example of the form is is it yes?
This is well.
It's not so much DJ as just rambling right, but I think it's maybe the youngest Person that we've had sending in their stuff.
I put I put that very badly no you put it well I mean I mean generally several people have sent in mp3's of themselves as little children, and it's yeah It's something that it has to be really particularly insane and
Yes.
To really be playable, because children kind of are insane to a degree at that age aren't they?
They are.
It's to be expected.
Exactly.
But some of them do punch through, you know, once... The insanity bubble.
Yeah, yeah.
I would say this is a good example of that.
This is from Ruth, she's from Leeds, and she writes in, hey guys, the attached clip
is taken from one of the tapes I used to play with when I was little, roughly 1982 or 1983.
I would have been about four years old.
As you'll gather from the clips, I was most definitely unhinged as a child.
And the tape recorder was the only way my parents could get me to direct my incessant gibberish, most of it about Paul McCartney, bizarrely, in a direction other than theirs.
The clips, fairly typical of my rantings at the time, cover topics from marriage to support, magic, murder and cannibalism, also to do with Paul McCartney.
She also talks about how she then vomits Paul McCartney out and later goes to bed with him, but not really.
This is all I should remind you from the point of view of a four year old girl from Leeds.
She's four.
Yeah.
And she says, and it's very, when you hear it, it's quite a sophisticated world of insanity that she conjures.
She then says, now it's sort of a family joke that anyone, oh yeah, basically the first clip that we're going to play.
Walking along the road.
And I felt like I was a rotten potato.
And I can make pomegranate into a model.
So I squeezed plastic into him.
And he peered into a dolly.
Which is into a dolly.
You're a dolly!
Of course I am.
I see.
Serana.
Now I married Paul McCartney.
See if that works.
Yeah, that's her test.
Have a go with that and see if that works.
That's the standard test for any bit of audio equipment.
I was walking along the road and I felt like I was a rotten potato and I can make Paul McCartney into a model.
So there's the first clip of Ruth there.
Now she continues and she just is freestyling this stuff all about Macca.
And it goes a little bit weird and dark.
She basically puts Paul McCartney into a cauldron, puts the lid on, switches it on, locks the lid.
Hey, don't give it away.
Okay.
Isn't it... is it clear when she says it?
Yeah, semi, but I'm just orientating you, getting you ready.
If there's anyone who's upset by cannibalising a beetle, maybe look the other way now.
Here's the second clip for you.
One day, I walked along in the street and I happened to say what I was disappearing.
Ochus pochus, tilly ochus.
Me at home, I can't, they disappeared.
And I put a spill on him.
And then, I put him in a cold one, put the lid on it, switched it on, and I locked the lid.
And then he tried to get out, but I was cooking him.
And it disappeared.
And I turned it off, and I locked the lid, and I pulled it off,
Paul McCartney was just full, so I ate him.
I ate me all.
Oh he's still alive.
Paul McCartney.
So she feels sorry for him.
He was just food.
Yeah.
So I ate him.
Oh, Paul, my car.
Now, I think we got Ruth on the line here.
Ruth, are you there?
I'm here.
Hello.
So this is Ruth in present day.
Now, how old are you, incidentally, Ruth?
I'm 30 now.
You don't ask that to a lady.
I know it's rude to ask it to a lady.
Joe finds that very offensive.
That was offensive.
In conjunction with Juvenilia, it's just interesting.
So that was over 25 years ago there, Ruth.
And how have things turned out for you since?
I think I managed to keep my own sanity to a kind of hidden level.
I mean it was at a fairly high level.
Were you quite a precocious child?
Yeah, I think my parents would say that, yes.
It was literally the only way they could get me to kind of, well not shut up, but kind of go away and run into something else.
Why the Paul McCartney obsession, Ruth?
I really don't know.
I think we only had a few cassettes.
And one of them that we had was the Blue Album.
Seven to seventy hits.
And I just kind of went from there, really.
And do you still feel anger towards McCartney or sort of hunger cravings?
I still love The Beatles.
I'm actually trying to work out whether
I'll be considered more or less crazy than Heather Mills.
Well, you know, the thing is that if you analyzed it from a psychological point of view, it's a fairly accurate analysis of what goes into being a super fan.
You know what I mean?
That feeling of wanting to own the person to the extent that you make them into a model.
I mean, I'm over-analyzing this, Ruth, obviously.
For a four-year-old, yeah.
But, you know, you want to make them into model, you want to cook them and eat them literally.
Those are feelings that many superfans can relate to, I would say.
You want to cook them and eat them?
Yeah.
Don't you think?
I don't, I'm not sure.
If you really analysed it.
If you really, really love a particular artist.
Kylie.
You would like to cook and eat Kylie.
Cook and eat them.
Surely.
I don't know, I'd say that was a little bit unhinged, because at the end, Ruth, you start talking about the idea of just going to bed with Paul McCartney.
Let's play that little clip there.
It was so tiny.
It was big up first, but you ate me.
Oh, sorry.
But it fell in love with me, and we both went to bed and cuddled each other.
Oh, that's what you do when you love someone.
Cuddle them and sing music.
Go to bed.
Oh, that's lovely.
And have you, I mean, are you still a bit of a Paul McCartney fan?
If you had a choice between cooking him or going to bed and cuddling him now, which one would you choose?
The cooking and the eating or the cuddling and the singing?
It's a tough choice.
I don't know, I'd go with the cuddling.
Yeah, because you're not going to get much meat off him.
You were getting terrific trouble for cooking him.
Definitely.
I mean, you'd be arrested.
The music press would go wild.
The press itself would go wild, not just the music papers.
That would make the headlines, certainly.
It would be a national scandal.
Need be delicious which part of him would be most delicious.
How would you flavor him carrots couple of onions?
There's got to be some very funny Beatles based Seasoning jokes here surely I'm confident there are Ruth.
Thank you so much for talking to us and for sending in your clip And what's it what's your job incidentally before you go I'm always curious to I'm an IT consultant trying to help the NHS
Good for you.
Well done.
That's a job that needs doing.
All strength to your arm.
Absolutely.
Cheers, Ruth.
Have a good weekend.
And listeners, if you've got a demented audio of yourself, you know, ideally DJing or something, or maybe this that maybe the remit's got too broad now.
I'm interested in anything that's just amusing.
I mean, that's good because it relates to a musician.
Yeah, isn't it?
I like it.
Juvenile recordings are fun to listen to.
They're fun, they're fun.
If you've got something good, send it in anyway.
Yeah, the email address is Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk Right, now is this your free play, Joe, we've got?
Is it?
I don't know, is it?
What is it?
It's your free play.
Oh yeah, this is a lovely bit of reggae.
Is that how you pronounce it?
Reggy.
Reggy for you.
This is Johnny Osborne.
That's the House Martins with Happy Hour.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
Sorry about that fella.
Inability to do the talking.
Was that even a session track recorded for John Peel?
Sounded very good.
Sounded brilliant.
Yeah.
Norman Cook's finest hour.
Been downhill ever since.
Hey, that's not very nice.
He's going through trubs in pubs or trubs getting out of pubs at the moment.
Mr Cook, we should support him.
Absolutely.
Of course we should support Cook.
Terrible situation to be in.
And his struggle.
When your creativity is tied to some kind of substance abuse,
I thought you were going to walk away from that.
No, I genuinely think it's a terrible problem.
Obviously.
Yeah, because he thinks if he stops the booze, he won't have the creative talent.
Oh, is that what he said?
Yeah, lots of artists get into that bind, you know.
When you're young and you link your creativity to drinking or something like that, then it's very difficult.
Then you get successful or you earn your living by it, then suddenly you can't kick the ding dong because you lose the bing bong.
You think that's part of your mojo, right?
Yeah.
That's not true, though, kids.
It's not true, no.
It'll go in a different direction.
Exactly.
But there's many clean and sober artists who have made their best work.
Yeah.
When they've struggled their way out of the bottle.
Well done.
And into the retirement home.
No, I don't.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
Listen, we're gonna... Yeah.
Text the nation time.
Time.
Jingle, please.
Oh, no, not the jingle.
Not the jingle.
I mean... How dare you try and play the jingle?
That's over jingle.
That's ridiculous.
You know, because we've had the jingle, what, six times already today?
I mean, that is way over jingle.
Maybe we need a new jingle.
I do miss the punctuation.
Yeah, I mean, that's the point of the jingle, but it's too long to speak.
That's why we have the contracted jingle, so that you can... Text the nation.
Text, text the nation.
I do have a very short jingle, but then people complain that we haven't played the... Oh, let's just play the long one.
Text the nation.
Text, text, text.
Text the nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text!
I've had an idea.
What about we get listeners to send in jingles?
Good idea.
Because it's not as challenging as asking people to send in full songs.
But listeners, if you've got GarageBand or another sort of music making software program, there are others out there.
Or just God-given skills.
Yeah, exactly.
It could be acapella.
You could do it with crisp packets and cereal boxes and pots and pans.
If you think you can come up with a good jingle for our show, for use anywhere in the show, then please create it and send it to us.
It doesn't have to be for an existing feature.
It could just be, like, for, you know, Adam and Joe are gonna do some talking.
Yeah, if there's a recurring thing, maybe you've observed that happens in the show that we're unaware of.
You know, we can't see the wood for the trees.
Try not to make it too offensive.
Well, it can be a little bit offensive.
No swearing.
No.
But if you sent those to us, we would definitely play them.
yeah don't you think if they were any good if they were wow what if even if they were a bit shoddy if we could laugh at them or they were any good then we'd play them anyway text the nation uh this week is all about jokes you think you've made up right yes you have a funny thought or you're watching telly and or reading something and a bit of word play pops into your head you start building a brilliant joke around it gavin and starzy
Yeah, I'm not going to say mine again.
Go on.
Why don't you get out of digestion?
Brilliant.
Anyway, so they've been coming in hand over fist and here are some good ones.
This is from Newton Crosby in Birmingham.
What's a cannibal's favourite pop group?
Think about it.
Cannibal's favourite pop group?
No, that's quite good.
It's a bit obvious.
No, there's no wordplay there.
The answer is people.
It's like M people.
That's quite a good one, isn't it?
Quite good.
That's a bit of silence in the studio for that one, I'm afraid.
Newton, Crosby and Birmingham.
Plus the name.
It sounds like he's got two place names.
It looks better written down.
Okay.
Newton Crosby sounds like a town.
Here's one from Liam Tucker in Hackney.
He says, my dad is a ludicrous man.
Here's a joke.
Here's his best joke.
What do you call a Scottish cow sitting down?
Annie Lennox.
Now, and then it says in brackets, a-ne-lin-ox.
How would you possibly say that so that that joke came across?
You could only write it.
Annie Lennox.
What do you call a Scottish cow sitting down?
And hee-lee-nots!
Your dad is a ludicrous man.
He's wicked.
I'd like to meet him.
And hee-lee-nots.
Now that's exactly what we're looking for.
It takes the nation here.
Really exhausting.
I'm never going to be able to think of her the same way again now.
Anilinox.
Here's one from Paul in Cheltenham.
Greetings.
My joke is that pigeons are planning to take over the world because I heard them organizing a coup.
It's just too good, you see.
It's good, but it's too good.
That's crack-a-joke territory, that one.
Yeah, that is.
You see, if that... Yeah.
And some of them rely on wordplay.
You see, the thing about anilinox, that would never occur to anybody.
apart from Liam's father.
We got others like, why do people study marine mammals for a sense of porpoise?
That's good.
No, but porpoise is too many jokes around the word porpoise.
See, annealing ox would never get into a joke book or a cracker or anywhere like that.
It really wouldn't.
You see, me and Devon, this is too good as well.
invented by him and and we got to reiterate these are jokes authored by the people who've sent them in as far as they believe as far as they believe great joke invented by me what do you call a moderate muslim leader mulla light that's got to have been used before surely that's a good one what do you get if you cross fergal sharky with bernard manning racist undertones says jina
That's too slick, isn't it?
They're too slick.
That's a good one, though.
I'm gonna try, I'm gonna look through them and try and find more, like, annealing ox.
Oh, this is quite good.
From Chris in Finsbury Park.
What do you call a bungalow during a full moon?
Don't know.
A warehouse.
It's like a werewolf.
Right.
They're too good.
That's good.
I mean, that's not that good.
It's not that good.
I'm going to look for some more really excruciating ones and we'll come back.
Okay, are we going to play the stones, the rolling stones?
It always makes me chuckle that we play the rolling stones.
For some reason, they just seem like we never play the Beatles.
Are we not allowed to play the Beatles?
We play the Rolling Stones a lot, but we never get any Beatles.
Are they covered by some PRS deal that excludes them from national airplay?
Well, I think it should change.
I like the Beatles better than the Stones.
That's my prerogative.
Do you think the listeners would be interested if we got the person who compiled the playlist in and chatted to them about their choices?
Yeah, can we do that?
It's quite mysterious how radio stations like this draw up their playlists, isn't it?
Yeah.
Or is that crossing some Rubicon?
You're not really supposed to talk about that kind of thing, are you?
But to explain to listeners, we sometimes get asked this question.
You know, we pick our free plays.
We get three each for the show.
All the rest of the music you hear is chosen by a mysterious hooded man.
The hooded man.
We don't even know his name, but he's a very nice and he's a music expert here at Six Music.
But yeah, he's got a problem with the Beatles and he favours the Stones.
Anyway, I'm not complaining.
This is a good song.
This is Let's Spend the Night Together.
So yes, the Rolling Stones with Let's Spend the Night Together.
You're listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
It's a digital station.
You need a DAB radio to listen to.
You can also listen to it through your TV.
You can listen to this show again on Listen Again.
There's something weird about listening to the radio through the telly though, isn't there?
Yeah.
Because even if there's nothing on the screen, one gets the urge to look at it.
Yeah, absolutely.
Don't you think that's the case?
The blue thing on the skybox.
It's all a bit weird.
It's a little bit weird.
We're going to catch up with a bit of communication that we've had with people throughout the week.
Just before you read your bit of Stevenage out, Joe, I did a gig last night.
Thank you very much if you came along to that.
It was nice to see you.
I did come along to that.
Thank you very much.
The first time you've ever come to one of my gigs, not the BFI.
The BFI, that's true.
And the only reason you came was because of... Sif.
Sif, who was there.
And very lovely she was too.
But I also met some other very nice people there, one of whom begged me to say hello to someone.
Not something I'd normally do, but she was very nice.
What sort of begging did she do?
Well... We need to make this exception.
She popped her top off and started... That's not true.
That's absolutely not true.
She said, can you say hello to Rosie Jones because she's been doing some Morris dancing in Wells Cathedral.
Now, of course, Wells Cathedral is where we filmed my scenes for Hot Fuzz, the wonderful Edgar Wright film.
That's where I met my end.
It's all about you, this, isn't it?
Well, not really.
I'm reading out a shout-out for Rosie Jones.
It's all about Rosie Jones.
It's true.
So it's not all about me.
Well, kind of.
It's good though.
Keep going.
Is that done?
That's done.
That's exciting.
Yeah.
Listen, we've got all sorts of Steven-ish stuff has come in.
Does the Steven thing need to be explained?
Not really, maybe not.
Quick explanation.
Let's say, we won't explain where it started, but we can just say that Stephen, shouting out Stephen in public is a way of communicating or trying to identify other fans of this radio program.
If you say, Stephen, and someone says, just coming, then you know that they also listen to this.
Yeah, now we didn't really start this, but certainly people that listen to the show have run with it.
And I don't know, it feels as if
Uh, you like that book, The Tipping Point, Adam, don't you?
Yeah, Malcolm Gladwell.
You're keen on that one.
Yeah.
Feels as if it might have reached that point.
And what happens when you sort of, it tips over and starts all going a bit off?
Has he got a phrase for that?
Uh, the topping point.
The topping point.
When it starts getting annoying, you mean?
The crapping point.
Right.
I don't know.
It feels as if some of the Stevens shouting might be getting slightly out of hand.
Let's have some examples.
Here's an email from Mark.
He says, I witnessed some monstrous Stevenage on Monday night at Richard Herring's gig in Taunton.
It was towards the end of the show, a quiet reflective stage in which Richard was meditating on the passage of time and lost love.
He paused to allow us to consider the weight of these matters when suddenly there was a loud, clearly prearranged shout of Stephen followed immediately by a just coming.
Richard looked sad.
I'll read that again, better.
Richard looked sad.
And he said, that's someone else's catchphrase.
Don't do that at my show.
Where will it end?
Is no one safe from the Stephen Vandals?
Now I don't have the email to hand but another listener was at the Blue Tones gig or a Blue Tones gig last week and he shouted Stephen and apparently Mark Morris the lead singer who's a friend of ours he replied with a slightly belligerent and and sort of grumpy
just coming as well.
So it was lovely that he said it, but he didn't, apparently he didn't look that happy about it.
Yeah, you never know.
I mean, he's cool, he's a rock star.
He's so, right, so he's unlikely to sort of sound enthusiastic per se.
Jack from Belfast said, I just experienced a most bizarre Steven while sitting in my bedroom tuning into a concert on Radio Ulster.
In the silence before the Divine Comedy played, I heard an exploding Steven come from the crowd.
I was shocked, but before I could do anything, my brain went into auto and I just said,
Just coming, as I was sat in my room, it was the loneliest just coming ever.
You've unleashed madness in one poor listener's life.
But I don't think there was a just coming reciprocated from the audience in the Divine Comedy Show there, so... Do you think it's getting out of hand?
Well, I think it certainly could be annoying for people if they're performers and stuff, you know what I mean?
Because... Do you think we would have the power to stop it, or do you think it's out of our control?
I mean, we didn't start it, how can we stop it?
Yeah.
Well, maybe suggest to people that they... I don't know.
What do you think?
I don't know.
You see, I'm half excited by it.
Other Stephen news that's come in is, Stephen Street in London's West End.
Somebody stuck an exclamation mark on the... I mean, that's vandalism.
And we can't encourage that.
But at the same time, it is cool.
Someone has stuck an exclamation mark on the end of Stephen on Stephen Street, right?
The other thing that happened was DJ Magazine, which is a magazine funnily enough for DJs.
And they have a title.
Yeah, they have a spine message.
And Stephen Justcoming was their spine message.
No.
The London paper, which is a free paper that you get in London, yeah?
Yeah.
Has a cartoon strip called M and that included a Stephen Justcoming slipped into the dialogue of the cartoon strip.
That could have been an accidental one.
No.
So on the one hand, it's exciting, isn't it?
It's proliferating.
But on the other hand, in some circumstances, it's getting out of hand and causing anger.
But here's the thing.
Excuse me for interrupting.
It's only causing anger with other jealous artists whose sets are being interrupted by Stevenage.
Yeah, but they have every right to be irritated by it.
You're right.
I'd like to hear, I don't know, I mean, because the Fleet Foxes took it, well, I would like to hear specifically from an artist who is annoyed by it.
Like, if Richard Herring was really upset, I mean, that sounds like a bad one that he got.
If he was really upset by that, which I could understand, then I would like to hear his story.
The rule, I think, is please don't, please don't interrupt people's enjoyment with it.
No, exactly.
Choose your moment.
Respectful Stevenage, please.
Respect the Steven!
Okay, here's, now this is one of those bands, the exciting bands that we were told were going to be big this year and I'm not sure if it's actually happened yet for LaRue.
Would you say LaRue are big?
Oh, it's definitely happened.
Yeah.
Yes, good, sorry.
Look, her hair's happened.
Yeah.
Have you seen her hair?
I have.
It's huge.
It sticks all the way out.
Well done.
Well, this is LaRue's track, In for the Kill.
Who was Lamo talking to there in the studio?
They don't.
Dave Garn.
Wow.
Wow, there you go.
Yes, Lamo, he's the king.
There's someone who's, am I right in saying his creativity was linked to substance abuse?
I think, well, he certainly had a big substance abuse problem, didn't he?
But he's remained creative thereafter.
Yeah, now he's come through the other side.
Now he's all cleaned up and stuff.
Yeah, there's loads of them, man.
It's always the best way to go.
Extend your life as well what the giving up.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, rather than the linkage rather than to carry on thinking that it's linked exactly.
Yes We had a very nice Apologetic email.
Shall I just read that out quickly?
Yeah, go on.
Oh, we were just talking about a possibly mistimed Steven at a gig in Taunton Richard Richard Herring's gig.
Yeah and Simon Lee
believe I'm pronouncing his second name correctly, writes, Hi Adam and Joe, I did the Steven at Taunton.
Could you phone me so I could apologize to the world about my very poor Stevenage?
I'm so embarrassed.
You don't need to be publicly reprimanded, I don't think Simon, that's terrific that you would email in and you know how nice that he takes responsibility.
Well it's fun to apologize, isn't it?
Yeah.
And some people love an apology.
They do.
And that's all that's all we ask for.
That's all anyone asked for these days.
I mean, there's a whole apology fever going on.
There is.
Why?
Because Gordon Brown hasn't apologized for ending the world.
Yeah.
And then James Cameron.
You can pretty much do anything.
James Cameron.
David Cameron.
You can pretty much do anything.
And then as long as you issue a public apology, a few days later, it's all forgotten about.
Oh, no, he apologized.
That's all right.
That's fine.
And what was I going to say?
I've forgotten.
Well, thank you very much for your apology, Simon.
Someone else texted in and quite rightly said that we did start the Steven thing.
We shouldn't try and disassociate ourselves from it.
We didn't tell people to go out and shout it in public, did we?
I think we did, yep.
Did we?
I think we did.
I've got to go through the back catalogs and check out the specifics.
Yeah, for legal reasons.
We should do that.
What now?
Did we really go out and tell them to go and start shouting?
I think we did.
We definitely encouraged it.
If we didn't want them to do it, we would never have mentioned it in the first place.
I suppose so.
Don't you think that's the truth, the case?
I do.
That's the truth case?
That is the truth case.
Stuff full of truth, that case.
Yeah, that case is chock full of truth.
Now, it's time for a free play, listeners.
This is a lovely track, bit of doo-wop, and it's sort of space-aged sounding doo-wop from the Flamingos, and I only have eyes for you.
This is for my mum, who I think might be listening today.
Hello, mum.
Hey, mum.
Hey, mummy.
I think she likes this track, and it's a lovely one.
Enjoy.
Always sounds strangely sinister to me, that song.
Yeah, spooky, and it's like a David Lynch type thing.
It is.
It makes one think of some sort of hideous razor blade killer or something.
Well, I was thinking more of like a moon.
I only say razor blade because it's fifties.
Do you know what I mean?
Right.
What's it called?
The straight razor kind of thing.
Yeah.
That was the flamingos with I only have eyes for you.
Now, later on today, I'm going to be taking the train back to the country, lovely Norfolk, and I am going to be having to deal with people making phone calls.
right through the train journey, as usual.
And it's kind of a cliche, isn't it?
To be annoyed by people making phone calls on a train is so cliche.
What a cliche.
It's almost redundant.
Like, why would you even say something like that?
Why would you even say that?
Because I can't believe that it still happens!
Do you know what I mean?
Well, because it's fulfilling a basic human need for communication.
You're never gonna stop it.
Why can't you stop it?
Why can't it be stopped?
Because it's not a controllable environment.
Like, for instance, a gig.
They've got a quiet carriage.
Fair enough.
One quiet carriage.
But why can't the majority of people find it embarrassing and annoying
that, you know, so that they just don't do it.
Why is it necessary?
Because they are never, I mean, all this, it's embarrassing talking about it, because all this has been said so many times.
But you would have thought that Dom Joly's character that he used to do on Trigger Happy would have kind of made people think twice about it, maybe.
And I guess people have forgotten now because it just is back with a vengeance and literally every two minutes someone is picking up the phone and there's a lot of Works on the line at the moment, right?
So there's delays.
There's been delays every few weeks Joe's doing this I'm bored with your story
And just let me get this off my chest.
And so all you get is people making calls like, yeah, trains delayed.
Yeah.
25 minutes.
That's good.
I'm sat on the train now still.
Yeah, that's a good story.
I should be.
What?
It's a good story.
I was just going to say that someone texted in.
I saw James Cameron from Blackpool said, Joe's poo bread story was brilliant.
Oh, you're referring to a story I told last week.
Rubbish.
He said my story was brilliant about the pooey bread.
I don't think anyone's gonna think that you're, uh, the bit that you just did about mobile phones is brilliant.
Well, it was hardly- I hardly got to do it!
I hardly got to do it!
About how brilliant that bit is!
Because there was no support!
There was NONE support!
As usual!
Well, something's don't deserve to be supported!
They should die a natural death!
Yeah, I wanna try and it's delayed.
Eh, about 25 minutes.
SHUT UP!
It's time for the news.
OMD there, with electricity.
Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Now, last week we were talking in Text the Nation about gig etiquette and we were promising to compile a manifesto of new sort of rules that would come into effect to make gig going and more pleasurable experience.
And we stuck to our promise, Sizz.
Just the one, we wouldn't make a promise and then not stick to it, would we?
That would not be safeguarding trust.
That would be filthy.
Sickening.
So we've done it, and this is made up from your suggestions, listeners, and some of our ones as well.
A delicious, sexy combination of us and the listeners, all writhing together in a big logic pile.
Love sandwich, yeah.
So here's the manifesto.
These are the new rules that are going to be enforced at all live gigs across the country from the moment this segment ends.
By the pigeon detectives.
Or electric sticks carrying electric sticks.
Exactly.
Rule number one for behavior at gigs.
There will be a small exam on the subject of the band you're seeing, which will be held at the door to qualify for entry.
Quite right.
If you don't know the answers to the questions asked to you about the band, you will not be allowed to see the band.
There is also a deodorant check at that stage.
You're checked for levels of body odor.
If you don't know enough about the band, or you smell bad, you're not coming in.
Rule number two, the audience are stood in height order in pre-booked painted circles with lectins and drink holders.
So instead of just a free-for-all on the floor where you can stand wherever you want and push people, there are painted circles on the floor that you book.
and you're not allowed out of them.
And they have a lectern and a drink holder.
Very good.
Yeah.
And if you leave your painted circle to go to the loo, whoa, but I'd only one step into it.
Electric sticks.
Yeah, you have to show your number, your ticket.
Rule number three, there are separate enclosures within the auditorium for short people to stand.
They're supplied with straw.
There's a moshing enclosure and also an enclosure for stoic posh poshies.
Stoic poshies?
Yeah, people that are just aloof or, you know, like to be removed from the thing.
The posh pit.
The posh pit, yeah.
Mosh pit, posh pit and stumpy pit.
Stump pit.
Number four.
Beer or beer is served with lids and beer is available chilled from the beginning to the end of the gig.
Nice.
So you don't get any spillage.
Number five.
No ironic roadie applause when they come on stage.
It's to be banned.
Actually there's 11 so we have to knock one of these off.
11?
Yeah.
Number six.
This is going to go on for several hours.
Number six, bands are rated by decibel.
Talking stroke singing is only allowed for loud bands, right?
You're not disagreeing with any of these so far.
I'm not sure about the roadies, but we'll talk about that after a while.
Number seven, no topless men, no backpacks, no big handbags, no hats, no ponytails, no phone usage during gig.
This is a lot in one, isn't it?
This is actually like 15 more, but they're all just called number seven.
Did you get all those?
Backpack and communication.
Yeah, no topless men, no backpacks, no big handbags, no hats, no ponytails, no phone usage during gig.
Hairnets are issued at the door for those with long hair.
That is a lot of points in one point.
Well, they're just little ones, so they're all collected.
Number eight, the band must start and finish performing at exactly the advertised time.
What's the point of that one?
Because you missed the bus on the way home.
And another thing that annoys me, you go to a gig.
On time, the band, you know, the cooler they are, the later they are, right?
Yeah.
Who made that up.
And while you're waiting for them to come on, they play really loud music, usually by the band you're about to see.
If it's a bad DJ.
So by the time they come on, you're just exhausted from noises.
Alright, fair enough.
Anyway, lots of listeners sent that one in.
Who are you to complain?
Number 9.
No throwing beer glasses full of wee.
Apparently this is something that people do a lot.
You don't want to lose your place in the crowd.
So you do a wee into your beer glass and then you just chuck it.
Now that's the most appalling thing I've ever heard of in my life.
Well we had lots of emails from people saying that had happened to them.
It's unbelievable.
That might be punishable by execution.
I would say so.
Number 10.
No shouting the name of the track you want the band to play all the way through the gig.
Yeah.
And number 11, out of 10, is no crowdsurfing by people over a certain weight.
Oh, really?
Now, these are just listeners' suggestions that were all collated, and those are the most popular ones.
So that is the Adam and Jo gig behavior manifesto.
It's quite sizest.
It's also fairly fascistic.
It's unrealistic and non-implementable.
But it is good apart from that is apart from that.
It's good anything you want to discuss My only thing would be the roadies.
I just think it would be a shame not to clap for them not to clap for the road That's just a bit of innocent fun.
It's not doing anybody anyone any harm.
All right Well, we can knock that one off and that brings us down to ten.
Yeah, and those are actually gonna canoe that gonna become law later today and kneeling Oh
So that's exciting, isn't it?
We've really achieved something on this show.
Anyone who accuses us of just talking complete rubbish is an idiot.
It's an idiot.
Absolutely really achieved something.
We've worked together and now gigs are going to be much more enjoyable.
Yeah.
Thank you very much to everyone who contributed to that manifesto.
That manifesto will be published in the bin.
And don't forget we've got a few more of your, uh, gig manifesto suggestions that we might read out in retro textination in our podcast.
Yes.
So listen out for that.
Here's some music now.
This is Doves and Kingdom of Rust.
That's nice, isn't it?
Very good.
That was Doves.
Nice to hear that again.
That's an old one, right?
Old Doves?
Or is that new Doves?
It will stay on the sheet.
I just put my sheet in the recycling bin.
Oh no!
This is coming up to the end of the show.
And I don't- I get frightened when Liz Kershaw turns up.
I don't like to hang around too long because I don't wanna- She has authority.
Yeah, because she's a professional danger.
Yeah, you wanna get out of the way of the professionals.
Uh, that, uh, it doesn't say when that was from.
New!
Good one.
Well done, doves.
Right, on the money.
Yeah, the new album is supposed to be very good, I've read.
Anyway, there you go.
It's time to wrap up Text-o-Nation.
Yes, it is.
Let's have it all one more time.
God.
Here we go with the jingle jingle.
Text-o-Nation.
Text, text, text.
Text-o-Nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text-o-Nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text!
And this week, what's going on there?
Just a little plastic fork.
Throwing some forks, throwing it around.
Yeah, we've been asking you to send in your made up jokes, specifically jokes that you've created, formulated yourself, even though they're maybe not very good or quite laboured.
Especially if they're not really.
Especially if they're really tortured.
What is it about there?
You know, sometimes you just can't get your mind off a bit of rubbish wordplay.
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, it's a fun thing to do.
It is fun, isn't it?
So this will take the fun out of it.
Here are some that have been sent in.
Daniel Solomon's from Kentish Town.
This one, my brother Jason made up, but I helped develop it.
Not that there's any pride in that.
He's to blame, not me.
Here goes.
Question.
Why did David Beckham's fragrance sell badly on Merseyside?
Because Liverpool fans never walk alone.
That's good, you see.
Here's one from Roy Geraghty.
It says, whilst I can't pretend to claim authorship of the following lame joke, my boss did upon telling me it to him.
Oh, he claimed authorship, right.
Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy.
Oh, it was published in FHM apparently.
Oh wow.
Says Rory.
Getting secondhand jokes there.
I should have read that bit.
Here's another one from Sophie from London.
What is Bob Dylan's favourite pasta?
I don't know.
G-knocky on heaven's door.
That is awful.
Come on.
I mean, that's a disgrace.
Who's that from?
Sophie, Sophie.
Sophie, you are an absolute disgrace.
Knocky on heaven.
Here's one that Andrew in Newport made up.
A cow said, I wasn't going to go to the tannery, but all the other cows said it.
That's already so torture.
Because it's a talking cow and the situation of our going to the... It's an everyday situation.
It doesn't come across that in the street.
A cow said, I wasn't going to the tannery.
It's like a blankety-blank thing, isn't it?
That's right.
I wasn't going to the tannery, but all the other cows said it was good and I'm easily swayed.
oh my god come on that was one of the good ones easily swayed i've vetted these i've got the really tortured ones especially no i can't read that one what uh simi why did the monkey get lost in the jungle because the jungle is massive
I've heard that one before, so... Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a good one, though.
More?
Let's do one more.
Really?
I'm not sure I've got one.
What about the one you skipped?
Was that filthy?
Well, there are some that just make no sense.
I think that's it, you know.
I think that might be it.
And nothing's beating the Annie Lennox one, is it?
Annie-ling-op.
Brilliant.
If we'd come up with that at the beginning, then people would have had a better idea for the levels of rubbishness we were looking for.
We did, more or less, though, didn't we?
Yeah, maybe we did.
A kneeling ox.
That was a good one, man.
Thank you very much, indeed, listeners, for all your texts and emails.
And don't forget, if you're listening to this show,
throughout the week on Listen Again or on the iPlayer.
It's not too late to send in your suggestions, your rubbish jokes.
They might be read out on next week's podcast in Retro Text the Nation.
Yeah, that's a special segment that's only in the podcast where people who... Oh, I'm losing interest in my explanation.
It's a chance for people who don't listen to the live show to interact with the podcast.
Well done.
All right.
Now, here's a little bit more music before we say goodbye to you.
It's a free play, right?
Yeah.
This is my new favorite band.
This is Hatchim Social.
And you like a bit of poetry, don't you, Adam?
Love poetry.
Do you like a bit of maniac cackling?
Yeah, I'm an I call cackling, I love it.
Yeah, do you like a guitar?
Certainly.
Well here's all three of them.
Together.
This is Jabberwocky.
Blimey.
That's the kind of thing that bands used to do a lot more.
Well they're doing it again.
And they haven't done it for a while.
Don't they get the lyrics, er, not the lyrics, the words to that poem wrong?
Isn't it O Fraptious Day, Kalukale?
I've no idea.
He says something else there.
Bit of a artistic license that was hatch from social and he's going for the full moi ha ha as well Yeah, he's not doing it by halves and the cackling Well, that's it for our show.
Thanks very much to everyone who has texted and emailed.
Hey, we gotta listen We got a text from Richard Herring incidentally who we were talking about earlier because there was a bit of irresponsible Steven edge at one of his gigs and
Yeah, he says, Richard Herring here.
I'm told you're discussing the Steven at my gig.
While I think it's probably a good rule of thumb never to Steven during a performance, just before curtain up might be a good time.
Luckily, the Steven did not disrupt things too much and the Steven was contrite afterwards.
Use your Stevens wisely, my friends.
There you go.
Wise words from Richard Herring there.
Thanks, Richard.
And thank you very much indeed for listening.
We hope you have a wonderful week.
Don't forget to listen to the podcast.
it'll be available to download probably on Tuesday sometime, once it's been through all the mechanisms of checking and stuff, make sure that it's not, you know, disrespecting anyone or not safeguarding trust in any way like that, because otherwise that would be bad.
Yeah, we'll be back with you live here on BBC 6 Music next Saturday, between 9am and 12 noon, and coming up next is Liz Kershaw, so stay tuned, have a good week, we love you, bye!