Welcome to the big British castle It's time for Adam and Joe to broadcast on the radio There'll be some music and some random talking in between And then eventually the whole thing will just end Black Squadron!
Always catch the beginning of the show Black Squadron don't wanna miss a thing That's not the one Black Squadron wrote
Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the Squadron's power The Black Squadron!
Yes, good morning, welcome to Black Squadron You are the elite listeners that catch this show live on a Saturday morning Yeah, the show's not called Black Squadron No You made it sound a bit like it was Did I?
Hello and welcome to Black Squadron
Oh, yeah, that's fair enough, isn't it?
No, I meant just to the people listening who are known as Black Squadron.
Yes.
You're very welcome.
My name's Adam.
Hey, my name's Joe Cornish, and stand by for your command, Black Squadron.
We're not sure what it is.
The intelligence hasn't come in yet to formulate the command.
Well, I was thinking maybe they could help me compose, because I'm going to quit Twitter, right?
Right.
I'm a Twitter quitter, because it's ludicrous.
I haven't posted anything on Twitter for the last four weeks or something like that.
And I was wondering if they could maybe compose for me a message of apology and resignation from Twitter that you can post on Twitter.
That I can post on Twitter later today.
So it needs to be 40 characters or less.
They're used to doing more physical things, Black Squadron.
Right.
I mean, they're a physical force.
Are they?
Yeah.
But we can use their mental powers, can't we?
Yeah, we can.
I guess we can, yeah.
I guess we can.
Are you not very confident in Black Squadron's mental powers?
Well, they like to do things around the house.
Black Squadron.
So they prefer commands like eat chips.
Well, shuffle your feet, chips, because they couldn't get access to chips.
They love commands like bread and pockets.
I can't make access to chips.
Well, they locked away.
Well, they might not have chips.
We often give them things to do that are doable, you know.
Well, listen, you give them a command then.
I'm going to think about getting the intelligence, the surveillance information from spy satellites to find out what's going to be useful.
Right.
But we could do the Twitter thing if you want.
Well, I just, you said before we came on air, you think of the Black Squadron command this morning.
I thought of one.
Immediately it's rebuffed.
Wasn't rebuffed?
It was just being discussed?
Well, discussed in a very rebuffity way.
We're going to confuse Black Squadron.
I think Black Squadron should do my Twitter thing.
Okay, let's do that.
I need a message of resignation that expresses my deep regret, perhaps in poetry form.
Right?
40 characters or less by 9.30 from Black Squadron.
Alright?
Okay, that's the command.
That's the command.
See if you can rise to the occasion.
And if it goes badly, excuse me, Black Squadron, I've got some...
I've got some throat issues.
If it goes badly, we'll never do a mental command again.
It'll always be physical hereafter, all right?
It's a beautiful morning, listeners.
Absolutely glorious.
I mean, it's the kind of morning that makes you feel very smug about being alive, don't you think?
Yeah, very smug.
Oh, it's going to be a lovely weekend, apparently, they say.
Yeah, bang holiday weekend.
It's going to be sunny all the way through.
Sweet.
That's gonna be nice.
Absolutely sweet.
I was waiting for you to talk about the weather.
Why?
Because I've got an exciting weather-related free play for you.
What have you got?
It's by Cassette Boy.
I played some Cassette Boy the other week.
What do they like?
Your new boyfriend now?
Yes.
What do they like?
Some amazing new band that you've discovered so you have to play them all the time now?
Yes.
This is a track by them called Brackish Water.
You'll like this.
It's all about the weather.
Man, they sent that CD to both of us and it's wonderful stuff, so I'm excited to hear it.
Here it is.
What if this rainbow doesn't exist?
Believe the rainbow.
Taste the rainbow.
Yeah, it's good stuff man.
That's from a cassette boys album carry-on breathing I think it's called bit of weather fun very enjoyable stuff indeed welcome to the program listeners once again This is Adam and Joe here on BBC six music Sorry, I got some swine flu
Hey, listen, Black Squadron, we've requested that you send in a suggestion for Adam's Twitter quitting message.
And of course you do that via email and text.
The text number is... 64046.
Yeah, and the email is... Adamandjo.bbc... No, damn it!
Adamandjo.at.
It's like a sort of reading lesson.
You should have a little flashcard.
Well done.
So that's how to get your quit twit
uh message in via Adam Black Squadron and you've got another 15 17 minutes because of course Black Squadron is uh what's the word uh what dispersed debriefed what what stood down oh stood down right right right half past decommissioned yeah they just vanish into the ether exactly like a puff of well they go off and do other things they're busy
They've got all kinds of missions over the weekend.
People to kill, bodies to hide, that kind of thing.
And people, again, if you're listening again during the week, you're not part of Black Squadron, you're part of Digiforce.
Is that fair enough?
Also, some people are confused.
If they're listening around the world in different time zones, they're worried that they're listening live, but just in a different time.
They're Globe Squadron.
They're Globe Squadron, but they are part of Black Squadron as well.
Are they?
Yeah, of course they are.
Because if they're listening live, they're listening live, right?
It's complicated.
Wherever in the world.
I thought we weren't going to talk about Black Squadron right the way through the show again.
There's a lot of different uniforms.
Exactly.
Are you worried about Swine Flu?
Erm... Not yet, I wouldn't say.
I've been touching things with my knuckle.
Does that make a difference?
When I'm pressing buttons in public spaces, I go for the knuckle, not the fingertip.
Since swine flu came out.
Yeah, that's the step I've taken.
What's the logic?
That's corny's advice.
Why?
Because you wouldn't stick your knuckle in your mouth.
Yeah.
But you would stick the tip of your finger in your mouth.
Oh yes.
Not only in the mouth.
The tip of the finger goes everywhere.
It's hard to keep it out of any kind of opening.
Oi!
Do you think that's enough action to take?
Just using your knuckle.
Yeah, for instance, on the Pelican crossings, press the button with the knuckle.
What's wrong with you?
Money out of the auto bank?
Knuckle action.
See, I'm using my tongue still.
You'll be fine.
For all of these things.
Have you thought of any funny swine flu jokes?
Not yet.
I'll start working on it.
What have you got?
Well, there's a pork ellipse, obviously.
That's nice.
A pork ellipse.
That's not mine.
I heard that on Radio 4.
On the Today Programme.
Really?
Yeah.
Made me chuckle.
You know, if you get swine flu, you can treat it with a special oinkment.
Nice.
I'm getting the drift here.
Yeah.
The CDC have been tracking the progress of the virus with grafts that show all the pigs and troughs.
Of swine flu.
I mean, it's a serious, hey, it's a serious illness.
I'm trying to force laughter out.
Yeah, well, don't.
It's a serious thing.
You're right.
Should take it very seriously.
Yeah, the pigs and the troughs.
You know, I was thinking that we should have some more made up jokes later on in the show as well, speaking of which.
It's a good idea.
I've got some in my pockets.
Oh, I've got some amazing ones in my pockets.
I collaborated on one with a listener.
Wow.
It's extraordinary.
That's coming up later in the program.
But here's more music for you right now.
Are you familiar with Grizzly Bear, Joe?
No.
They're from America.
I think they're about to release their third album and I got their second one.
It's good.
It's a kind of, the second one was a sort of psychedelic mind-blowing adventure armour thing.
Haven't heard anything from the third one yet so I'm excited to hear this track which is called Two Weeks.
Beautiful stuff.
Blur with the universal.
Smooth.
Oh no.
You don't have to take your headphones off.
I do.
Why?
Because you're... It freaks me out.
Because it's too sexy.
I just don't know what to say to it.
So I just let it carry on without my involvement.
I step away.
Yeah, that was good.
That was blur with the Universal.
I mean, they are one of the all time great live bands, apart from anything else.
So the prospect of them reforming while they still have their faculties intact is quite exciting.
They're fackels in tackles.
Yeah.
I mean, have you ever seen them live?
No.
Man, you would like them, I'm telling you.
Really?
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Do they have a big stage show?
Well, they're very energetic and Damon... Magic?
Can they fly?
It's a little bit of magic.
Like Michael Jackson does.
Sure they do, yeah.
Balloons?
People in animal suits?
They make a DC-10 disappear.
Do they?
Yeah.
That's what I want from a rock show is some stage magic.
Well, that's exactly what they have.
They all fly around.
Alex James, he's got little wings, he flies over the audience, and he does little poops on the audience, right?
But the poops are cakes, free cakes, and you get why.
Why is that bad?
You've looked at me.
He what?
Well, he's pooping cakes onto the audience.
Let's rock and roll.
Oh.
Is it?
Yes.
I'm fixing them out.
Okay.
Come on, that is the great tradition of rock and roll.
That's good.
Little poop cakes and the audience, they get to take them home and you can have them whenever you like.
What else happens?
Don't have a big stage set.
Dave Rountree flies around in a real UFO that he's made.
And they have a massive stage set.
What they do is they hire the whole of Sweden, the country, and they bring it with them wherever they go.
So you can sit wherever you like in Sweden.
And it's beautiful there.
And they bring it with them everywhere.
Wow, they must have a very loud PA.
It's the loudest.
Exactly.
It's way loud.
Don't neighbouring countries complain?
some of them do you know they've almost gone to war a couple of times yeah because of the noise all right but they don't care they're brilliant it's when gorillas play live do they dress as the characters or do gorillas not play live uh gorillas do you honestly not know the would it be like seeing that yeah i honestly don't know would it be like seeing the banana splits no
No, no, no, not the banana.
All the wambles, you're thinking.
That would be good.
No, they don't dress up in costumes.
That's what I want.
No, no, it's all projections.
Oh, that's right.
I saw them at some awards ceremony or something doing that.
That was really good.
It's supposed to be.
I've not seen it put myself, but I've read about it.
It sounds awesome.
Oh, that does sound awesome.
That's what I want from a gig.
Yeah.
Bit of cartoons.
Yeah, cartoons.
I should go and see, you know, In the Night Garden live.
I would enjoy that.
Well, the Teletubbies live.
Definitely.
That's my kind of music.
Yeah, it's not.
Well, you know, the Teletubbies wanted to cover common people by pulp I read the other day.
Yeah.
Back when that was a big hit.
Weren't they allowed?
They weren't allowed.
Jarvis Cocker said no, issued a Teletubby embargo.
He said no, Popo.
No, Lala.
No Tinky Winky.
Who's Bobo?
The police telly-tubby.
Exactly.
He's the uh... He's the police telly-tubby.
What was he called that one?
Poe.
Yeah.
Here comes the po-po.
Oh no, it's po-po.
Lala's lost his bag.
We've got to call the po-po.
So listen, we should get to some of these Twitter commands or Twitter resignation things that your Black Squadron members have come up with.
Yeah, because we're running out of time.
Do you want to hear some?
If you've just tuned in, I announced that I'm going to quit Twitter.
It's no good.
It doesn't work with my lifestyle.
I'm sorry about that.
I've really tried.
and Black Squadron have been composing some letters of resignation for me.
Okay, I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna read them out, and I'm only gonna read the names of the people who've sent them if you think they're good.
Roger.
That's the punishment for not being good enough.
You don't get your name read out.
I came, I saw, I twitted, I quitted.
Quite good.
Who's that?
Shell and Alex in Cricklewood.
Like it?
This is a haiku.
Social craze, attract old man, scary and pointless, bye.
Oh, that's a bit harsh, though.
Is he getting his name read out?
Yeah.
That's Chris in Portsmouth.
A bit harsh Chris in Portsmouth.
Oh, stick it up your bum.
Says Dylan.
That's his idea.
That I should post or is he just talking to us?
No, that you should post.
That's your farewell word.
to be aggressive because I feel bad.
I like the idea of Twitter.
It's not that aggressive.
It's euphemistic.
I don't think, you know, they're not really going to stick things up their butt.
They might.
Yeah.
People are quite stupid.
They might try and actually pop their PC or Blackberry up there.
Somebody anonymous says that is it.
I've quit twit because it's
I can guess the last word.
Well, you see, I don't want to be down on Twitter.
I've got no problem with Twitter itself.
It just doesn't suit my lifestyle.
I want to say thank you to the people because I've got 10,000 followers on there who thought that I was going to be an interesting member of Twitter and I've let them down.
So I want to apologize and say goodbye.
Well, those are your choices.
That's all we've got.
Pretty much.
Listen, I'll think about it.
Let's play some Rolling Stones and then go into the news.
So here's Paint It Black.
Rolling Stones and Paint It Black.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Thank you Black Squadron for trying to compose resignation messages for me.
I think my favourite so far, which I may or may not use, is I came, I saw, I tweeted, I quitted.
Was it from Caroline?
It's dropped off the bottom of my text screen, the sender's name.
I think it was Caroline.
Well, thank you very much, Caroline.
And I think it was with someone else as well.
Yeah.
Apologies if we've got someone else.
But thank you very much, Black Squadron.
You may relax and stand down.
Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bargain mark
That was Santa Gold with Say Aha!
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.
It's a beautiful Saturday morning here in London Town and it's a great pleasure to have you along.
Thank you very much for tuning in on your DAB.
I'm just sort of carrying on talking rubbish until you stop me.
You're doing a good job.
I'm trying to make you go on for as long as possible so you use up more airtime.
Yeah.
Thank you very much for tuning in on your DAB.
Great to have you along on Six Music.
The nation's favorite digital station all music and chat all the time Good to have you here.
I could carry on No, you can't because it's text the nation time right now.
Listen, we've got we got some new jingles which are gonna play you throughout the show listeners continue to send us their interpretations of some of our jingles here on the program one thing I liked I
was or the one thing I like in listener made jingles is people who've made them sound actually pretty close to the originals yeah people who've tried to copy ours as closely as possible but then have made one thing go wonky uh-huh because that's got more effect hasn't it than a completely wonky brand new jingle
Yes, well someone sent in a Geordie version of Text the Nation.
I don't know.
Maybe we'll play that later.
Should we play that one later?
Yeah.
And right now we're going to play a kind of air style text the nation version.
Yes.
Like air, the French band, you know them?
So this was a listener called Matthew Leech who sent in just the music, right?
He sent in a sort of ambient electronic version.
A sophisticated French dance.
That's right.
It reminded me of air, the band.
They are from France.
That's the sound they make.
And so I did a kind of air version of the text donation jingle.
Here it is.
It's nothing like Air, is it?
No, it's like Air.
The music's like Air.
The music's like Air, but not my shouting.
Is that correct French you've got there?
Yeah well I checked it on Babel.
Did you?
Babel fish or whatever it's called.
Is it called Babel fish?
It's called something like that.
That's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy isn't it?
The Babel fish.
The Babel fish, that's right.
But it's known to be often quite inaccurate.
Babel things.
Well, it does very literal translations that turn out a little wonk a lot.
If anyone can speak French, you could let us know whether that's correct French or not.
But thank you so much, Matthew Leach, for that wonderful backing track.
And, you know, if you would like to compose other backing tracks for jingles on this show, we like that a lot.
lot.
It's very enjoyable.
Cuts out 50% of the work for us, right?
Correct.
Just have to do the vocals.
So what have we got for Text the Nation this week?
Well, Text the Nation this week, listeners.
The idea is things that you can't afford, so you've tried to make.
Right.
We're not really talking about clothes because we've done quite a lot of stuff on like weird customized clothes.
We're talking about
you know, ambitious machinery or furniture or sort of practical objects that you can't afford or get hold of so you try and make.
Now obviously kids do this a lot.
I remember I could not afford the toy Lotus Esprit from the Spy Who Loved Me what went underwater.
Do you remember that one?
I really wanted one of those.
I couldn't afford it so I made one.
How'd you make that?
Out of cereal boxes.
And it was really, really good.
No, it wasn't.
Yeah, no, it was.
Because it was to scale with my play people.
And the one you bought in the shop wasn't.
I remember being really, really pleased with it.
How did you make it?
I just cut the shapes out.
You know, looked at pictures, cut the shapes out, stuck them together.
Right.
It had little fins and everything.
What were you using to stick them together there?
Celotate.
That is the bonding agent of choice for the under five, isn't it?
For the under ten even.
I was a bit older than that.
Another thing I tried to make, because I couldn't afford it, was a video game.
Really?
I thought all my friends have got video games, computer battleships.
You know, it was around that era when microchips were just starting to creep into toys.
Sure, so you learned some basic programming?
No.
I got some cardboard and sticky tape.
I thought I really want like a games console.
I didn't get very far with it.
Do you remember that old video game before
It's hard to explain, but it used to be a racing car, and it was sort of on a piece of plastic.
It was a backlit screen.
Sure.
And the technology was actually physical.
It wasn't inside a telly.
It was like Night Driver, but a physical version.
Exactly.
And it was kind of scrolling wheels with bits of road painted on them.
And you had to guide the car.
It was actually mechanical, do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
So I tried to make one of those using Meccano.
Wow.
I thought if I combine Meccano and cardboard,
I can make one of those video games.
I spent the whole afternoon.
I got really frustrated.
I didn't get very far at all.
I couldn't figure out how to even start, but I spent the whole day trying to start.
It didn't work at all.
That was a failure.
Right.
I thought you were going to say that you just constructed like a console from cardboard.
Because that seems to be like putting the cart before the horse in a way.
The other thing I did is, after I saw War Games, the Matthew Broderick film, I was very impressed by the computer he had in his drawer.
Do you remember?
He'd go to his bedroom and he'd pull out a drawer and it had a sort of console in there.
He'd flick on his telly, he'd put his telephone on the modem.
That's right.
I thought, man, that is good.
I want that.
I want a desk like that.
So I filled my top drawer of my desk with cereal boxes.
This is just childish behaviour.
It doesn't really count, does it?
But I tried to make a sort of homemade computer console.
Yeah, that counts.
That didn't work.
I mean, we got an email, didn't we, from someone who... Yeah, here's the email that inspired this.
Good thinking.
This is from Sarah in Bristol.
She says, Dear Adam and Jo, when I was 11, I really wanted a Walkman.
But my parents wouldn't let me have one, so I made one.
I got a small flat box, big enough for a tape, and attached a headband with some large material earpieces to it with some string.
Obviously I drew buttons and volume controls onto the box.
Luckily at the last minute I decided to leave it in my mum's car rather than take it to school, or I may not be here to tell the tale.
Sarah's suggesting that her colleagues at school would have been so provoked into fury by a home-made non-functioning Walkman that they would have beaten her to death.
Child beatin' to death while having cardboard Walkman.
It's not a story.
It's feasible.
But that's the kind of thing we're after, this.
Broken Britain.
That's feasible.
Yes.
Blairs Britain.
Blairs Broken Britain.
Thanks very much, Tony B. Lear.
Thanks a lot.
Why don't you let someone else be Prime Minister for a change?
Yeah, give someone else a go.
What about Gordon Brown?
Yeah, he'll be good.
You know, he's got a cheeky face.
Yeah.
So thank you Sarah and Bristol for that email.
And that's the subject of Text the Nation this week.
The text number is... 64046.
The email number... Don't shoot me the paper!
I can remember it.
Adamandjo.6music at bbc.uk.
No, .co.uk.
Dammit!
We're not really supposed to email, it's text the nation, right?
It's true.
So please go ahead and get in your ideas for things that you can't afford, so have attempted to make.
Although we should say as an addendum to that, that if you are listening during the week on this... You can email.
You can email, yeah.
And it might get used in retro attention.
In fact, don't text if you're listening during the week, right?
It's complicated.
It's very complicated.
Shall we play some music?
Here is Dave and Ansel Collins with their monkey spanner.
Ram Jam, Roadblock, Gribbit.
Good stuff.
Dave and Ansel Collins there with Monkey Spanner.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC.
Hey listen, listen.
Six music.
About the text of the nation.
An important thing to stress is we're not just going for things that children make.
No.
We're quite interested in stuff that adults might make in order to be cost efficient.
Sure.
It's quite a topical text of the nation, you know, because there's a recession.
Is it?
And Kirsty's homemade house is on telly, have you seen that?
No.
Oh, that's an annoying program.
Is it?
You should check that out.
Yeah.
What's wrong with it?
I'll tell you maybe later.
There's a lot wrong with it.
So yeah, we're just looking for ways you try and cut cost corners with a bit of DIY, you know, try and actually make over-ambitious things yourself.
And if it's gone wrong, so much the better.
Speaking of cutting corners and being thrifty in these tough times, and also looking after the planet, which is something that I personally enjoy doing, how are you with reusable bags at the Supermarch?
I usually take them, yeah.
We've got a little store of bags and I usually try and take them, but sometimes I forget.
One forgets.
One does forget.
And what happens then?
When you go to the supermarket and you've forgotten your reusable bags, will you just use the plastic dolphin killers?
Or will you buy some more reusable bags?
Do you have to?
Oh, you mean like big ones like bags for life.
Yes, I do mean bags for life.
No, I will.
Well, that's kind of counterintuitive, isn't it?
Yeah.
Well, then you end up with a huge stack of bags for life.
Exactly.
Bags for life are even more dangerous than normal bags because they're tougher and the little ones can't wriggle out of them.
Which little ones?
The little fishes.
Dolphins.
That's right.
They're like maximum security prisons.
They're reusable bags.
So the thing to do is, this is what you do.
You glue bags onto your body.
Right.
And during the week when you're not shopping, you just crumple them up and hide them under your clothes.
You write this down.
Glue bags.
You glue them up your arms and onto your knees.
Thought you were going to say something else.
And then during the week, what did you think I was going to say?
Carry on.
And then during the week they're concealed under your clothes, like maybe a hanky would be concealed up your sleeve.
And then when you get to the supermarket, they pop out and you can use them.
You know, if you were a person with unusually stretchy skin, you could just make little pockets.
Well, like kangaroo pouches, humans should evolve those.
That's something nature could do to help itself.
You know, nature, enough of humans trying to help you out.
Why don't you do something to help yourself?
You've got evolution, right?
Well, why don't you evolve yourself out of this mess?
That's true.
Humans should evolve pockets, then the bag problem would be solved.
Humans should evolve reusable bags.
Stop humans farting.
And cows.
They're the number one producers of bad gases.
Harmful CO2 gas, right?
harmful emissions.
Well, you know, that nature is interesting stuff, isn't it?
Sort your act out.
Sort your life out.
If Darwin had been around a little longer, he might have been, what are you mumbling about?
He might have been saying Mother Nature's a complacent woman.
She certainly is, isn't she?
Look at her, sat there moaning about everything and then failing, wanting everything done for herself.
Failing?
Come on.
Sort out some kind of reusable bag situation on the human race that can be a permanent
addition to the biological makeup because what's happened in our house is that basically we've had to, you know, throw the children out of their bedroom and just use that room to store the bags.
Well, the most horrible thing about plastic bags is you can scrunch them up very small, but then when you let them go, they start growing again, don't they?
I'm not talking about the plastic ones, I'm talking about the reusable, the bags for life.
You know, I've got such a mountain of bags for life that I pretty much can't get out of the house.
Yet, do I remember to take them to the supermarket?
No, I don't.
And then every time I go to the supermarket, I just think I can't buy a plastic one.
I've got to get another bag for life.
Another fiver on top of the shopping for the most fancy Hessian bag that I can lay my hands on.
It's insane!
Here's some music now.
This is one of my free choices, and it's very mellow.
Hope you enjoyed this.
This is from the soundtrack to The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Did you enjoy that film stroke soundtrack?
I did, yeah, I want to see it again, actually.
I liked the bits where the house collapsed and they were in the sea.
I wanted to see it again as well.
Yeah.
Because it's one of those films that people absolutely raved about, and for some people it's their favorite film.
Well, it's got Carrie in it, hasn't it?
I like Carrie.
Do you?
I like him when he's being goofy, though, not necessarily serious.
Me too.
I like his early work.
The number 23 caused problems for my carry affections, as did Bruce.
No, that was quite good, actually.
Forget that.
Bruce Almighty.
It's got some funny bits.
Anyway, the music I really enjoyed from Eternal Sunshine and it's by a guy called John Bryan.
He was in a band, wasn't he?
And I can't remember.
Listen, you can help me out with this.
He's in some big West Coast band, I think.
And the music is lovely.
Here is a track called Themes.
Those were not real horns on that record.
Were they not?
No, they were synthesised.
They sounded alright though.
Little synthesised horn stabs.
Very snobby of you to bring it up.
I'm not saying they were bad.
They just sounded... Why bring it up then?
Because they sounded a bit bad.
Yeah, you're very haughty about synthy horns.
I like synthy horns.
I thought they sounded a bit bad on that record.
That's very rude.
That's the comment I was making.
How wooed.
How very wooed.
How wooed.
You like Jar Jar Binks.
Jar Jar.
That was the women with now.
The Sundays.
With Summertime.
Harriet Wheeler.
Sorry, that was very rude.
1997.
Yeah, that was very snobbish and rude.
It was.
How wooed.
I just classified her as a woman.
A woman.
That was our Bond sting there.
So you were talking about Moonraker the other day.
Yeah.
With Bond bumping into Dr Goodhead.
A woman.
Let's have it one more time.
Well done.
It's gone.
He's back.
A woman.
That's good, it's good, but let's not overuse it.
I was thinking we could overuse it.
I think we could really hammer it home.
Did you see what I'm saying?
Overuse that one.
We were talking the other day about songs that you kind of customise so that you can sing them as part of your everyday routine.
This all started with someone saying that they sung, lock the taskbar, lock the taskbar.
Only somebody emailed us in annoyed that we said it in a kind of posh voice and elongated the A. Oh yeah.
Because of course it could be taskbar.
Yeah, lock the taskbar.
If you're from a different area of Britain.
Well that's how quite angry in a class orientated way.
Really?
By email, yeah.
People do that, don't they?
Said we were too posh to execute that joke properly.
Class war.
Tough luck, Buster.
Yeah, socialist worker.
Yeah.
Well, we've got a couple more here.
Some good ones have come in.
Actually, this one is from Steve, aka Stephen, exclamation mark, Curran, the man at the very epicenter of the Stephen phenomenon.
He's one of the founding stones of the show.
He is the Rosetta Stone of this program.
Steve Curran says, when my flatmate and I are drinking red wine, we sometimes open the bottle a little beforehand to let it breathe.
It improves the taste, of course.
When we do this, we like to sing
Let it breathe, let it breathe, let it breathe, let it breathe.
To the tune of Let It Be by The Beat.
That's good.
Yeah, that's a posh one as well.
I like that one.
Let it breathe.
They can hold hands and sing that one as well.
Yeah, everyone could sing in unison.
Well, that is so bourgeois, isn't it?
While they're waiting for their wine to breathe a little bit.
I love that.
Here's one from Graham.
He says I used to have a pair of blue boxers with pictures of wolves on them given to me by my mum.
Mum gives the best pants, don't they?
I love his mum.
I mean, they always give good pants.
Mums have just got a really good sense of pants.
They're born with it.
Yeah, it's true, isn't it?
Yeah.
Mums and p- they know their pants.
A woman?
Which I became very attached to, my wolf pants, says Graham.
When donning them over morning, I used to sing to the tune of Mr. Sandman.
Mr. Wolf Pants?
Show me your pants.
Bong, bong, bong, bong.
Make them a nice pair of blue shiny scants.
Yeah, not sure what to say.
Nothing.
Mr. Wolfpens.
Show me your pants.
Bong, bong, bong, bong.
Mr. Wolf Pants.
That's good, Graham.
He says it used to amuse me no end and may actually have led to the early demise of some of my relationships.
Worth it, though, I think, and I miss them dearly.
Is sad when a favourite pair of pants is no longer usable.
Do you think he sung that when he was with a lady and maybe they were reaching an intimate moment in their relationship?
And he was dropping his drawbridges and the wolf pants.
Do you think he would sing that at that moment?
A Mr. Wolf Pants?
Would that get a lady going?
Would things continue as planned?
You don't see that in many films, do you?
Imagine though.
Show me your pants.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Make them a nice pair of blue shiny scans.
Bum, bum, bum.
Please turn on your magic beam.
Oh, hello.
Please turn on your magic beam.
I just finished that bit for him.
Um, I think that's, that would be a sexy scene in a film.
Can you imagine though, if you met a girl and without prompting, she sang to you that song, you know?
So you drop your trousers and she sees your wolf pants for the first time and she just starts spontaneously singing.
Mr. Wolf pants.
A slightly sexy, breathy voice.
She's really excited.
That's far fetched, man.
That's really far fetched.
Yeah, but you would know that you found the one.
Yeah, if that happened, you should just live on a desert island on your own, the two of you, forever.
Your wolf pats would just explode off you with excitement at that point.
Yeah.
Anyway, thanks a lot, Graham, for that.
And we'd love to hear more of those kind of customized songs, if you have any.
I'm trying to think of a good name for that.
People Pop.
That's no good, is it?
Uh, people pop.
That's no good.
I wish we could swear on this programme.
When you said, I wish I could think of a good name for that, I was just going to say a swear word.
What was it?
It would have been a dismissive swear word.
I'll tell you during the next record, maybe.
Have we talked over the top of the hour?
A little bit.
Let's have the top of the hour jingle nevertheless and go into super grass thereafter.
This is the voice of the big British castle.
You are listening to Adam and Jo on six music.
We're on top of the hour, you'll be glad to know.
But we're not on top of anything else at all.
Let's go to the ball.
crazy sounds that was TV on the radio with Crying from their fourth album Dear Science.
That's a nice noise.
I like that keyboard noise they had there.
Very evocative of science programming on the BBC in the 70s.
Sure, if you produced it badly it would be too piercing but they've just done it lovely.
Lovely.
They've done it lovely.
That's from their fourth album, Dear Science.
I just said that!
Yeah, I'm saying it again in case somebody blacked out when you said it, which does happen a lot.
People do black out, so don't be a bigot.
Did you know that was from their fourth album?
Let me just check the name of it.
Yeah, but what number album is that?
DS Science.
What number is that?
What number, if you count it from the first one, which album is it?
It would be four.
Right.
Okay, good.
So listen, we're going to go back to Texanation now, and here's another listener.
produced Jingle.
This is Steve Cody and he also has taken issue with the posh aspect of this programme.
He is fed up with our fruity, fruity voices.
Our overprivileged vocals.
Yeah, our arrogant, haughty vocals.
So he has gone into GarageBand, found the relevant samples for the Text the Nation Jingle.
Here's his email.
I've got it in my hand.
I think your Text the Nation Jingle is great but a bit posh.
I did this so as not to detract from the brand.
So he stuck to the template, but kind of made it a bit less posh.
Doesn't want to offend Joe Brand.
So here's his version.
This is Steve Cody's version of our textination jingle.
Textination!
Text!
Textination!
What if I didn't want to like textination?
But I'm using email and that doesn't have a problem.
It doesn't matter.
Textman!
That's strong stuff.
Really strong, isn't it?
And we like that very much because it doesn't throw the baby out with the bathwater, it keeps the essential elements, the recognisable things about the jingles.
He's remained very faithful to the jingle and even panned the voice in the correct way.
Very, very well executed, but yet he's added a certain something that makes it completely different.
What is that?
It's the same but different.
Geordism.
Geordiosity.
Yeah.
Thank you very much, Steve, for that.
And let's get into some of your texts and emails now on the subject of things that you have had to make yourself for various reasons.
Yeah, because you can't afford them, so you're ambitiously trying to home-make them.
Sometimes it's just because you're too lazy or you just don't know where to get hold of those things, you know?
Right, is it?
Well, in my case, what are you thinking of?
I'm thinking of when I put up shelves.
And you make what?
You just use random bits of wood?
Yeah, what I did when I was at university, when I was at art school in Cheltenham right now, I was renting this horrible, damp flat.
And I wanted to put up some shelves, so I got some bits of wood out of a skip.
and hacked them into more or less the right shape to fit in this kind of alcove.
And then I got myself a masonry drill bit for the first time ever.
I didn't really know what I was doing.
I started drilling a load of holes because I'd learned to use roll plugs that week at art school.
That's an exciting day when you learn to use them.
Yeah.
So I just drilled the heck out of this wall.
You can pop them in anywhere.
I mean the whole thing was peppered with holes and a lot of the time because the walls were so damp a lot of the masonry would just kind of fall out in a little cascade from the hole and the holes would become much too large very quickly you know what I mean?
So the raw plug would just waddle about.
Yeah the holes got
to be slightly smaller than the raw plug.
I hadn't figured that bit out yet.
So it would be a whole system of like I'd shove the raw plug in, it would be way too loose.
So I'd have to start shaving bits of wood and jam them in the side of the raw plug to get them to stick in there.
And then to keep my slats
for the shelves up.
Instead, I thought the best way to do it would be just to hack big bits of wood and mount them on the side of the alcove walls.
And then the bits of wood from the skip would rest on top of those.
The whole thing was on our wonk.
It was disgraceful.
I thought, well, it looks appalling.
So what I'll do to make it look nice, right?
And this is a good tip for all DIYers.
is buy a large pot of gloss white paint and then just pour it over the shelves in a cascade so all the paint just dribbles down on top of them.
What is a sort of a style thing?
Yeah, is it art or is it shelves?
Neither.
Hey, is that an ethically correct corner to cut?
No one is going to be upset about saying that those red noses are very painful.
What about an impoverished child somewhere who might have benefited from the pound or whatever you pay?
You know, I think it's a wonderful thing to buy red noses.
And don't make me look like I'm some kind of impoverished child hater, because I'm not.
But I'm just saying that they could go a little further in designing those noses so that they didn't slice into the side of your nose flesh when you wore them.
Oh, I'm sure they don't anymore.
That was the first year of comic relief.
They haven't got the nose technology.
That's brilliant.
Thank you, Rich.
Here's another one from Socrates in Manchester.
Hello.
Oh, no.
Yeah, OK, I'll read that one out.
Myself and my brother would, in the months leading up to a holiday, create our very own holiday guidebooks, complete with restaurant reviews, ideas for fun days out, and also a countdown to the date of departure.
They were incredibly inaccurate, useless pieces of rubbish.
We loved them.
Wow.
I mean, that's going a long way.
That's hard work, but that's a good way to keep the kids occupied until the big day.
Get them to write a guidebook.
Yeah, a guidebook of made-up rubbish, imaginary rubbish.
My children aren't going to go for that.
Well, they're very young.
They will soon.
That would be a fun video game though, wouldn't it?
Writing a guidebook.
Yeah, Wii guidebook.
Yeah.
Fun.
Just type.
Had to use the nunchuck for that one.
Here's one from Claire in Wanstead.
In year seven, I really wanted a pager.
They were new and exciting at the time.
So I used to go to school with my mum's digital kitchen timer hooked onto my belt.
It looked like a pager if you didn't know what a pager looked like.
That doesn't really count because she didn't make it, but it's kind of vaguely appropriate.
Well, she appropriated it.
Here's a proper making one.
No insult there, Claire.
I'm just being, you know, pedantic with my criteria.
I'm really sorry, Claire.
Marie in Cardiff says when I was eight I wanted perfume but was told I was too young so I stole my sister's collection of impulse body sprays and sprayed continuously into an empty coke bottle, making my very own fragrance.
It probably smelt like cat wee and hairspray.
Homemade perfume?
Homemade perfume.
That, I mean, you could go all kinds of dangerous areas with that, couldn't you?
What would you use?
I mean, you'd start with water as your base.
Yes.
And then you would add, what?
A little bit of chocolate.
Mmm.
Some lemon squeezings.
Chocolate, that's nice, yes.
Maybe some part, something from the garden, some minty leaves.
It would be like some lavender.
A few weeks ago.
Well, couldn't it?
When they were making their beauty products.
Here's an anonymous one, what's come in.
Dear Adam and Jo, when I was young, I always wanted a chopper bicycle but could not afford one.
So I replaced my front bicycle wheel with one from a pram.
That is madness.
That's good, though.
Imagine.
Yeah, I'm imagining.
He seems dangerous.
So the bike, he would be leaning forward.
Yeah.
Like artificially, weirdly.
Yeah, sloping forward.
That's not really the idea, is it?
I mean, if anything, you lean back, don't you?
The handles are really high and you lead back like a biker.
Like a kind of easy rider.
Not sort of forward.
Still, that's quite an image there.
Maybe that's it for the moment.
Keep sending in ideas or stories about things that you can't afford, so you've had to try and make.
The text number is 64046.
Yep.
And the email is adamandjo.6music at bbc.co.uk.
Thank you very much, Joe Cornish.
Here's your free play right now.
Yeah, this is from main sources.
Classic album, Breaking Atoms.
What's it called?
I've forgotten what it's called.
He got so much soul.
Yeah, he don't need no music.
Here it is.
That's Calvin Harris with Acceptable in the 80s.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
Do you know that programme The Secret Millionaire?
Yes, I do, yeah.
I watch that every now and then.
And a couple of thoughts sometimes pop into my head that may be inappropriate.
and I wondered if I could talk them through with you.
Certainly, I'd be happy to hear them.
The first is it's quite an established format that everybody knows about, but if you and I say worked in a youth centre, did some charitable work or something... Just for people who haven't seen it, the synopsis of the programme is...
Well, they purport, they basically make a documentary and they have, you know, they go to some needy place in the country that's doing very, very good things but haven't got a lot of resources and support.
And the Channel 4 crew tell these people that they're making a documentary about, say, a man from the north who's somehow, his family were involved in whatever that cause is, and he just makes what appears to be a normal documentary about their work.
But then at the end the person will reveal that they're a millionaire and will start writing amazing checks for all the hard-working people that they've met over the previous 45 minutes.
It's a one-hour show and 45 minutes of it is sort of seeing the hard work these people do and the suffering they're working to alleviate.
The lives they're helping to improve and then the last 15 minutes is this amazingly emotional catharsis and the orgasmic reveal that the person is a millionaire.
Invariably followed by a great deal of crying.
Now the two things that arise in my head when I watch this is if I was working in a charitable organisation and a film crew arrived making a documentary that was nothing to do with a secret millionaire
I would really hope that it was Secret Millionaire.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, for instance, there's a guy that's come into our studio here today who purports to be from the BBC website, who's going to help design our blogs.
Fingers crossed.
He's going to write some checks.
He's going to go, Cornish, you are sad and I pity you.
Have 20 grand.
Why just you?
Am I not getting it?
No, you're getting a bigger check.
Really?
You're a disaster.
You're getting 40k off of your show and the depressing and strange stories of your home life.
And I think that you need a massive cash injection to turn your life around.
Do you think there's not a side effect of secret millionaire that people around the country are secretly hoping that someone who's come into their life
Companyed by a camera crew.
Right.
It's a millionaire.
And then what if you were a charitable organization and someone was just conducting a legitimate document about you?
Yes.
And at the end of it, you're like, OK, so is there anything else that you wanted to say?
No, thanks very much.
I think it'll be a great documentary.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Yeah, and anything else?
One more thing?
But what do you really do?
Yeah, but what do you really do?
No, that's it.
We'll send you a rough cut and see what you think of that and it should be on sometime in March.
The other thing that I'd like to admit to is
Finding the first 45 minutes quite boring.
Sure.
Well, that's like TV in general.
They had to wade through that.
And tuning in for the last 15 minutes.
Right.
Oh, look, it's the last 10 minutes of Secret Millionaire.
Fast forward to the old Gazmatron.
So I end up watching it, and I don't know what they've done to deserve the money.
I have no idea, but I still cry.
Oh, 20,000 pounds.
Oh, thanks very much.
You can't believe why this is... I still cry.
Is that wrong?
That's just kind of the way Hitler used to watch television, isn't it?
Yeah, just dispassionate.
Eva, could you just set the skybox for the last 15 minutes?
I'm only interested in the weeping.
Is that wrong?
You have to find out about what the charity is.
I don't care about what charity it is, ever.
I only want to see the weeping at the end.
That's what I do.
If I tune in at the beginning of it, I flick over the channels till the last 45 minutes.
Yeah, you're evil.
Does that mean I'm evil?
I don't know.
I'd like to hear from anyone else who might have the same mental problems.
I know it's wrong.
That's what I'd like to emphasize.
Absolutely evil.
It's just gone 10.30 here on 6 Music.
It's time for the news.
I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party
Timers are made up jokes here on the Adam and Jo Six Music Program listeners.
Thank you very much for continuing to send these in.
They have to be made up, right?
You have to believe genuinely that you have constructed these jokes yourself.
And we're not necessarily presenting these as purely funny, you know, as pure like fun injections.
You're more supposed to admire the convoluted craft of them and the kind of thinking that's gone into them.
And the fact that other people out there do think they're really funny, but they might be funny.
Because, you know, people make up jokes all the time and it's not just the preserve of the Rob Brydens and the Jimmy Carr's out there.
Of great authors.
You know who writes most of the jokes?
Jimmy Carr.
No, Salman Rushdie.
Does he?
Yeah, the government have a topical joke department and they get great authors to make up top, like all those swine flu ones that are going round.
They're all Rushdies?
They're all Rushdie, yeah.
Are they?
You know, Richard Dawkins tries to do jokes in the God Delusion.
Does he?
Yeah, they're not very good.
Can you remember any?
He does a whole passage that is framed like a Bob Newhart routine.
Right.
Bob Newhart, of course, did a very famous routine about a driving instructor.
There's a difference between a joke and a routine, isn't there?
The word routine sounds like hard work to me.
It is torture.
Anyway, shall we go with some of these listeners ones?
Yeah.
You're going to start?
OK, yeah, this is a collaboration, right, between me and Nick Morgan.
Nick Morgan sent in the punch line and he said he needed a bit of help working backwards.
Right.
What was the punch line?
Well, you'll find out in a second.
OK, so check this out.
A member of the Borg, right?
You love the Borg.
They're from Star Trek.
Yeah.
A member of the Borg Collective was having difficulty in the supermarket assimilating some melons.
So he called out assistance in Fruit Isle.
That's quite good because futile, right?
Like resistance is futile.
Yeah.
You could have filled in that very long pause there.
That was a pause for laughter at home.
Was it?
Yeah.
That was funny.
That's good, man.
I like that.
I don't really have anything that can match up to that.
Assistance in fertile.
Thanks, Nick Morgan.
Good collaboration.
I thought it went quite badly, Nick.
I thought it went well.
That wasn't a dispiriting silence.
All right, what have you got?
I'm going off them now.
I've got a couple more.
Do you want to hear another one?
Yeah.
Here's one from Jason Thompson, who lives in somewhere called New Begin by the Sea.
That's a nice name for a place, isn't it?
That is nice.
That's where you go to have a new beginning, presumably.
Anyway, he says, hi, Adam and Jo.
The scientific rule that describes the behavior of shredded vegetables in mayonnaise is called Cole's Law.
There we are, there's another one.
That was another one.
That's good, you begin by the C Jason Thompson.
That's good.
I like that one.
This is from Ali Phillos, F-I-L-O-S-E.
Dear Adam and Jo, recently my sister told this joke to my mother and me.
Now this is a real joke.
What happened when the red ship hit the blue ship?
To which the answer is of course, they all got marooned.
Okay, wait for it.
Apparently inspired by this, my mother proceeded to contribute the following.
What happened when the red ship hit the yellow ship?
They all said, Orange, you gonna help us?
I like the idea of leaving the longest possible pause.
Like, what do you think the longest pause... Chris Moyles, right?
He loves pauses.
Orange, you're gonna help us.
What do you think the longest Chris Moyles pause has been?
Supposed to sound like aunt.
Yeah, it was a good joke.
It wasn't supposed to be good.
It's supposed to reflect the mother's sort of character.
Do you think we could leave a 20-second pause after one of these jokes?
If it's weird enough, yeah.
How about this one?
This is from Ed Miller in Birmingham.
Which kitchen item never grows up?
Peter Pan.
He says I understand if you don't read this out.
Keep up the good work and take care.
Have you got any more?
Yeah.
Come on, let's have one more before we go into the yeah-yeah-yes.
Oh, what?
Did you hear about the Japanese animator who murdered his boss?
Oh, this is a good one.
He had manga management issues.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's there with soft shock.
They were, of course, the toast of the Camden Crawl last weekend.
As were we.
I just made that up.
I don't think we were.
We were given some toast.
We met some lovely listeners from this show.
We did, yeah.
Thank you very much to every member of Elite Squadron, as they're now called, who came down to the Camden Crawl this time last week.
You could see pictures from the event, not only from our radio show, but from the rest of the event and the musicians playing there.
on the 6 Music website, that's still up there, some good pics of us looking like prats.
They're not very flattering pics.
No, but you know... I wish they'd let us vet them.
James, producer, our producer here, James, can we be sent photos of us?
Because I'd like to do heavy photoshop work on mine before they... It's going to end up spinning all week.
But that would be good, wouldn't it?
Photoshopping pictures of ourselves.
If 90% of the photos were naturalistic, but then the areas of our faces were heavily, heavily photoshopped.
Like that Matthew McConaughey poster at the moment.
Yes, I mean really heavily.
Oh my gosh.
That's the most photoshopping I've seen on a poster.
On Ghosts of Gullfriend's past.
Yeah, yeah.
It's extraordinary.
He looks like a shiny mannequin man.
Which he is, I suppose.
Now listen, Joe, I'm pleased because I've had a good week financially.
I've had an amazing piece of luck, right?
Check this out.
This came through in the emails this week.
This idiot, right?
This moron has accidentally sent me through the details of a business transaction he's involved with.
What?
And he thinks that I am some ex-business partner of his.
No.
And he wants to hand me over like a load of money.
Check this out.
He says, dear friend, this is to inform you about my success in getting the money moved under the cooperation of a new partner from London.
Presently, I'm in Saudi Arabia for the purpose of investing my own share of the money.
Meanwhile, I didn't forget your past efforts and attempts in assisting me to move the fund, even though we were not successful.
Now, all you have to do is contact my account officer in CBN on the underlisted contact immediately.
TomSiana at Hotmail.com.
Ask him to send you a check for the sum of, and check this out, $1,500,000.
Yes!
Which I kept for you as compensation for all your past efforts in attempting to assist me in this matter.
You moron, you've said it to the wrong guy!
I appreciate your efforts at this time so much.
While contacting Mr. Tom Cianna, please include and give him instructions.
Please include your bank details and give him instructions where to send the money.
Best regards, Dave Godwin!
You idiot, Dave Godwin!
And I'm in the money!
£1,500,000!
So I sent him off my details.
I haven't heard back yet.
Well, I'm very excited.
What details have you sent him?
I sent him my bank account details and my PIN number for my cash card.
Is that what he wanted?
Did he ask for that specifically?
He wanted a load of details.
Lots of details.
Yeah, I sent him everything.
Send him absolutely everything.
So he can transfer the money across.
£1,500,000.
That's amazing.
Wow.
That's a chance in a million.
I mean, it really is.
Don't you think he's going to be angry when he realises that he's transferred that money to the wrong person?
Here's the thing.
He was obviously, from really the email, involved in some kind of shady dealing.
So once he realises that the money's gone out of his account to me, Buckles Busted, there's going to be nothing he can do about it.
Well, what if it's dodgy money?
It's his look out, but it can't be traced back to me.
His look out?
What does that even mean?
Yeah, this is not my look out.
Well, it is.
It's Dave Godwin's look out.
Right.
The money can't be traced back to me.
That's good.
Perfect.
You have, though, in the past been taken in by that kind of thing.
What do you mean?
Well, one radio show you came in very excited about a scratch card you'd found in a Sunday magazine.
That's true, isn't it?
And you called them up, didn't you, wanting to win the holiday to France?
It turned out to be a week in a porter cabin where a killings recently happened.
And you pay for your own flights.
Yeah, and the call cost me about 15 quid as well.
That's true.
I did do that that one time.
But that taught me not to be so easily suckered, which is why I'm so excited about this opportunity.
Well, it's exciting, man.
Things are going to change.
What are you going to do with the money?
I know.
I guess I won't be able to do this show anymore.
No.
I was thinking of going and building a gold house somewhere in Greece.
Good idea.
Maybe doing a radio show or a podcast from there.
Yeah.
Inside the gold house.
Joe just flopped on me.
I just spat at you and just stayed there.
Are you quite a regular flubber when you're laughing?
No, I was just laughing and it was a bit it's bitty.
What do you do when you when you laugh and you flub on someone?
Do you tell them about it or do you just reach over and just rub it in?
What about if it's in the face?
I lick it off.
Here's a free play for you now.
This is a summary sound.
You can fire this one up because it's a slow intro, Ben.
This is David Byrne with Loco De Amor.
And this first turned up, the first time I heard this was on the soundtrack of Something Wild.
Oh, good film.
The Jonathan Demi film.
And I was so excited because I hadn't heard this track before.
A new David Byrne track and he was my favourite at times, still is in many ways.
And I loved it because it was this new Latin direction.
This track turns up on his album Ray Momo and it's very enjoyable.
I hope you like it.
Charming stuff.
Latee Gray with Hot Topic.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC6 Music.
We're going to get back into some text the nation in a second, but first here is an email from Charlie in Worcester Park aged 33.
He says in brackets, whenever I hear your text the nation, Jingle, for some reason it always reminds me of Survivor's Eye of the Tiger.
So I've decided to add some guitar and drums to your original work and create this mashup.
Here it is.
I was wanting it to kick in there.
Yeah, that's good, isn't it?
That's good, because it makes sense.
It is good, right?
Because it makes a lot of sense out of the beginning of Survivors Eye of the Tiger, which is not a song that usually I like to listen to.
Seriously, the beginning of Eye of the Tiger, don't you find there's like a weird time signature thing going on?
Like there's not the correct amount of... There's like an extra one in there.
Do you know what I mean?
Can we hear it?
So, here we come.
All right, all fine.
What's that?
Well...
I think that's to keep it interesting if you're into house music do you never find yourself at a club dancing along and you're waiting you're waiting for the beat to come back in right it's stripped down you're waiting for the big beat to come back in and they always fool you they always try and trick you many is the time when i've gone
You know, done a big thing.
And it just didn't, and it doesn't come in.
So you're just standing on the dance floor going, boo!
Sorry, I mistimed it.
Is that what you do?
Boo-dee-doo!
Yeah.
Just looking for a sound that will like orally communicate my physical movement here.
You know, you do a big thing and you've got the timing wrong.
I think that's what they're doing.
I don't like it.
They're messing with you.
I hate it.
Unsettles me.
Yeah, freaks me in my mind.
You're kind of obsessive compulsive, rhythmically.
Four-four time.
Be on the beat.
Do not divert from beat.
Please stay in four-four time.
Do not understand rhythm.
I don't like it.
Anyway, some text the nations maybe?
Yeah.
Hey, thanks Charlie from Worcester Park for that jingle incidentally.
Brills.
Text the nation is all about things that you've made because you can't afford them.
It's getting into some quite peculiar territory here.
Thanks to Claire in Wokingham, when I was 10 years old I decided that I wanted to have asthma.
This was largely due to the fact that the Goonies had just come out at the cinema.
I developed a huge crush on the lead boy who also had asthma.
The asthma made him all the cuter.
You know I can relate I was very envious of the gizmos that people there asthmatics used.
Well listen to this.
The Asper made them all the cuter for the added vulnerability.
However, I wasn't asthmatic and so didn't have an asthma inhaler.
So, I emptied the rubber out of one of those plastic rubber holders that looked like a lipstick and used the empty plastic casing as an inhaler.
It let the air through really well and even made a convincing noise.
I never did this in public, but I certainly did it a lot in private.
In private, even.
It's kind of weird.
I totally relate.
Do you want to have asthma?
Not so much the condition as the inhaler equipment.
Yeah.
Well, when you're at school, the more bits of kit you can have in your pocket, the better.
I just couldn't believe that the asthmatics really needed it.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, obviously they did.
And obviously they'd be in trouble without them.
But to me, it seemed they were 100% normal.
Do you think they had some sort of sherbet fruity mist?
And that's what I thought.
I do remember begging someone to give me a go with them.
Really?
Very dangerous.
I shouldn't do it.
Apparently not, I think.
Martin says, I tried making an outdoor air conditioner, like the ones I saw at SeaWorld and at Disney in Florida, which spray freezing cold mist into the air to cool everyone down.
Oh yeah.
My attempt involved attaching a hosepipe to the top of an electrical fan with some careful cable ties to stop the hosepipe from hitting the fan blades.
The cable ties weren't quite as successful at stopping the water dripping into the fan motor.
I did find out that my RCD trip switch works well though, so it was a dual voyage of discovery.
He shorted the whole place out there.
That's insane.
You know you're on holiday.
You know the summer started when those coolly fans come out there, don't you, on the street?
We don't really have them in England, though, do they?
No, they have them in Europe a lot on the... Today?
They can't be very environmentally sound, can they?
Bound not to be, surely.
I think they're bad.
Thanks, Al Gore.
Here's one from Cammy in Glasgow.
Dear Adam and Jo, my brother aged 17 couldn't afford to buy me a Christmas present, so he decided to construct a foot switch for me to use with my guitar amp.
All he used was a block of wood, some old leads, a stapler, and some basic tools.
Remarkably it worked, but every time I wanted to switch on or off the overdrive channel, you would hear an embarrassing clunk clunk as I pressed the stapler switch.
That's kind of cool, isn't it, to use a stapler as an electrical contact.
Yeah, very cool.
He is now working as an engineer for Rolls-Royce.
PS, I'm having a competition with my flatmate to see who you read out a message from first.
Please pick me!
Cammy, you won it.
In your face to your flatmate.
Yeah, take that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mark Owen.
More?
Yes, please.
Okey-dokey, at boarding school around Christmas time my friends and I received chocolate advent calendars from our parents.
Naomi didn't get one, so instead she made her own picture advent calendar.
It was a sad and stupid thing to see.
How surprised could she possibly be?
Well, who is surprised by an advent calendar?
It's just chocolate.
Yeah, but there's the element of mystery there you never know for certain.
What might be printed on the chocolate?
Will it be a bell?
Will it be Santa?
Yeah, but no, there's always a chance they might have put something else in apart from chocolate, is what I'm saying.
Like what?
I don't know, a cash reward.
A cash, a little pound.
Like a little bundle of money, like 10 quid folded up really small.
They should do that.
That would increase their sales.
That would be fun, I think, because I like making crackers sometimes.
I haven't done it for a while, but certainly I went through a phase.
I think you even came to one of my dinner parties where I'd made some crackers.
Well, in the brilliant Adam and Jo book, it has a whole page of cracker jokes that you can use.
I do love crackers and I'm constantly disappointed, like many people, by the contents.
And it's my dream to just create the ultimate brand of crackers with genuinely brilliant, like little homemade gifts and stuff.
Well, if it was Christmas, we could do Adam and Joe crackers with listener jokes inside them.
Yes.
That would be sensational.
Absolutely brilliant.
Let's store that one up in the pouch for Christmas time.
Write that one down, James.
I called James our producer, Ben, a while back.
He was very insulted.
I'm having some transition issues.
Trans issues.
Sorry about that, James.
Well, appropriately enough, this is from Ben in Mouldsy.
He says, dear Adam and Jo, as a child, I tried to make an aqua lung from two lemonade bottles, some tubing and some blue tack to seal the gaps.
I think I might have done that, yeah.
I tried it out in my paddling pool.
There were two problems.
One, you couldn't sink unless you sucked all the air out.
Number two, it only held one breath.
Back to the drawing board.
It is mysterious, that, isn't it?
Getting your head around how... Because you don't understand the concept of compressed air.
And how can they compress air?
Surely air is just air, you know?
I still don't understand it.
I don't understand it.
It's a mystery to me.
We'll keep those coming in.
We'll revisit Text the Nation a bit later in the show.
The number is 64046, isn't it?
Yeah.
Are you ready to get closer?
Getting ready!
Manic Street Preachers!
Why are you singing it like that?
Well, I'd sing it like that to jazz up the intro a little bit.
Nice.
Two blades shave you!
Shave you, preachers!
Let's step into the Manic Street, preachers!
That's not, I haven't thought it through.
But listen, this is the Jackie Collins existential question time single from the Manics.
Hello, the name's Moore, Roger Moore, and you are listening to Adam and Joe, or Joe and Adam.
That is four lads from Liverpool.
They've got a cheeky sense of humour and unusual haircuts.
They call themselves the Beatles.
And they're apparently the next big thing.
Yes.
Listen, listeners, it's time to talk about song wars because we haven't done song wars for a while on this programme and we're thinking of maybe doing one for next week but we can't think of a subject.
So maybe you can help us.
The things that make it easier for us are if we have a really good subject so the lyrics kind of flow.
You can think of things to write lyrically easily.
That's the main thing, isn't it?
Yeah, and it shouldn't be... It's very difficult when too many demands are made on our actual compositional music skills.
You know, like it shouldn't be a parody of something.
I found the 80s one very difficult.
I enjoyed it.
Yeah.
But you enjoyed it because you just used Kim Wilde's flipping song.
So that was the previous one.
That was Australia, mate.
Oh, yeah.
My ABC one was beautifully crafted and it was spun by the idiotic listeners who don't know Amazing Genius when it's shoved in their face.
Is that a mature way to respond to a loss?
No, that's really impressive.
Thanks.
Well, you were talking about The Apprentice.
Yeah, I've been enjoying The Apprentice enormously.
How many weeks have we got to go on this series?
A million.
There were about 90 contestants left.
At the end of every episode, they go, you know, they tell you how many contestants are left.
I can't believe it took them so long to get rid of the neuralyzer.
I know.
Poor old neuralyzer.
Did you see him on The Apprentice?
You're fired afterwards.
OK, here's a thing.
I didn't know, but here's a thing that's wrong with The Apprentice.
The person who's fired is always the weakest one, the one who basically is undramatic, has contributed the least to the excitement of the previous episode.
But as a result, they're always featured the least in the episode.
Yeah.
So I think I can always work out who's going to be fired.
Of course you can.
Can you?
Yes.
Of course, the whole thing is a dramatic construct anyway, isn't it?
Yeah.
But it's sort of unsatisfying because we didn't see enough of Norrell doing nothing in the episode.
Got some funny shots of him doing his neuralizer face though.
Well, during the interviews he was very good.
And then he went pretty nuts at the end when he was under pressure.
Yeah.
When he was defending himself.
Well, his way to stick up for himself was just to launch into amazingly babyish attacks on the other guy.
He was in trouble.
If you'd seen him on The Apprentice, you're fired.
It was a shame, man, because they really laid into him.
Did they?
Yeah, they gave him quite a hard time.
Often the contestants seem completely different on that programme.
They behave as if their character on the programme is a weird construct and you're now seeing the kind of real person.
I know, you see a three-dimensional human being.
And so he went on there all three-dimensional, quite smiley, like a nice little reasonable chap, basically.
And they had that chap with the bow tie who gives out advice in a quite camp way.
What's his name?
Cedric, as he called, or something like that.
Oh, you're spending too much.
You should invest.
Oh, yeah, the financial experts.
You should invest in an ISAR.
Yeah, something like that.
He's not called Frederick, I don't think.
Cedric.
I know the guy you mean, anyway.
And they had an auctioneer lady, a haughty auctioneer, and then they had Al Murray on there.
And they all were quite serious about their criticism of poor neural.
And just saying, you know, how did you ever think you were going to, you're the worst businessman I've ever seen, not only that, but you're quite a pathetic human being, you know.
And really, poor old Norrell.
He's not going to get a job.
They said at the end of the episode, Alan Sugar said, we want to be his next boss or something.
He said, if I'm, I think the next person that employs him should keep the receipt.
That's correct.
We should employ Norrell.
I would love to employ Norrell.
Can we bring him in?
Get him to sort through the text.
Then neuraliza.
Santi, would you like to work with his neural?
Santi's looking through the text.
She's giving us a thumbs up.
He could just sit there doing nothing but every now and again you'd look over and he'd be staring at you.
Neuraliza.
He could neuralize some stuff.
If you wanted people just to forget about stuff, like in Men in Black, just give them a look at the neuralizer.
Pop a hood on him, right?
If you want to wipe someone's mind, you just pop the hood off and stare into his eyes.
Neuralize.
That's a good idea.
So how about that, then, listeners?
We do a song about The Apprentice next week, feuding songs about The Apprentice.
Would that be good?
Yeah.
It's very, you know, it's a very wide open remit.
People would like it.
They know what we were talking about.
It's very obvious.
Yeah.
Very in-house, you know, another BBC programme.
I mean, we could make the aim.
I mean, we would never penetrate The Apprentice universe, though, would we, in the way that you kind of penetrated the Antiques Roadshow one.
of what, get them to use it.
Oh, they might play it on You're Fired.
Possibly.
They've invited us on that in the past.
In the past, yeah.
I would suffer on that.
In the past.
Yeah, we'd both be terrible.
Even though I like Chiles.
Oh, it's brilliant, but the audience would scare us.
Stuart Lee was laying into Adrian Chiles the other day, and I thought that was unfair.
I liked Stuart Lee, but I also like Adrian Chiles.
Toby Chiles, full of... Yeah.
Warren, he referred to him as, didn't he?
I thought that was a bit harsh.
It was a bit harsh.
I think he's an engaging personality.
Anyway, tell us what you think of that idea, listeners.
We're only going to do it if you approve.
Here's a free play.
This is a band called Sweet Sable.
They're a female hip hop dance act from the mid to late 90s who only ever had one album.
But this is their song called Old Time's Sake.
And it's got some suggestions for stuff you might do on this sunny weekend that you should in no way follow.
Here it is.
Yeah, don't do any of those things this weekend that they're talking about.
They've got special dispensation because they are from America and the past.
That's right.
That's absolutely true.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
Has the sun gone in?
Or has it just been obscured by the giant BBC building that is being built opposite the window here?
I think the latter.
Now, listen, Joe, how is your broadband working?
It's working pretty well.
It's still not as fast as one would hope in this day and age.
Right, right.
But it's all right.
What's your dream?
How long does it take you to download a film, for example?
Oh, I wouldn't download a film.
You mean legally?
No, once you've paid for the film and everything like that.
I don't know.
I've never done that, actually.
Not legally.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it takes a long time.
It does, right.
Yeah.
Because the thing that I heard on the radio the other day, I think they've got some pilot scheme with fiber optics going in Milton Keynes or somewhere like this.
Yes, yes.
And it takes them like less than an hour to download a whole movie or something like that.
Well, apparently the technology is all there.
The companies just aren't implementing it.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what you want, isn't it?
You want web pages to come up instantaneously, literally like turning a page in a book.
Exactly.
And it's about time that happened.
And what happens in Japan, other countries, you can do that.
Britain for some reason is very slow because they like to milk as much money out of the public as possible.
That's right.
Before they do anything.
It's like the drug companies.
I call it rip off Britain.
Do you?
Yes.
That's a good name for it.
Yes.
And I'm going to make a television show about it with me and Nicky Campbell.
I call it Broken Britain.
Do you?
Oh no!
That's more terminal, isn't it?
It's sadder.
Is it mendable?
No.
Broken, polite, low-con Britain.
But this is the thing, with my broadband, it's 100% unreliable.
Right.
Right?
Now you can't say who you're with, can you?
No.
No, because that would be bad.
James is shaking his head.
That's the terrible kind of thing.
But it's not necessarily the provider.
I think it's a combination of my physical location, like on the map.
and the router I'm using or something.
But basically, I can never tell if this Devil's Box is going to be doing its job for me or not, right?
So every time, like usually I don't really mind, I just think, oh, can't get my emails today, never mind, I'll survive.
You know what I mean?
It's totally annoying.
What's the Devil's Box?
People don't have, what, the computer itself?
The router.
People don't have, you don't have routers anymore.
Well, for wireless.
OK, fair enough, I suppose you do.
So you've got the little box with the antenna on it if you're roaming around, right?
And it doesn't help, incidentally, if I use the LAN cable, if I plug directly in.
Still no difference.
So it's completely unreliable.
And then occasionally, it becomes a real problem.
If I've got some kind of deadline, I need to send some stuff or I need to download an important message.
I do get them occasionally.
Then it's really... Well, that message would be... Your dinner's ready.
then I get absolutely furious and I get apoplectic.
And I go through this kind of machine juju routine, right?
I can't imagine you angry.
No, it's weird, isn't it?
Normally I'm very calm.
But sometimes the router makes me furious!
And I go through this ludicrous kind of dance of superstition of going through these little routines hoping that maybe it will jog the router into working again, or jog the signal into coming through.
Because what you want, right, if you're looking at the front of the router, is that whole little row of green lights.
And you want one of those lights to be winking at you very... you basically want them all to be winking at you very fast.
You know, you described yourself doing a ludicrous dance.
That would be an amazing dance at Saddler's Wells, one about a broken router.
A faulty router?
Yeah, that would be award-winning.
Would be beautiful, wouldn't it?
Some choreographer, sophisticated choreographer could actually do that.
Get Michael Clark back.
That timeout would love that.
Yeah.
The router juju dance.
This ludicrous dance about a broken router.
It's one of the most powerful works in contemporary ballet I've ever seen.
Honestly, Buxton's physicality is spellbinding.
The moment when the signal started coming through and the green light started winking finally at the end of the piece was one of the most ecstatic moments of pure joy I've ever experienced.
That's me talking, not the review of the piece.
You do it naked as well.
Certainly I'll do it naked.
I'll do anything if it means that there's a chance that the lights will start winking and the data will start flowing.
Right.
All I do is I stare at these lights.
I wanted to swear so much there.
I stare at these lights and they just stare blankly back at me, not moving, right?
All I want them to do is to start winking and the data to start coming through.
I go through this routine.
Disconnect the airport, first shut down the airport on the laptop.
Shut down an airport?
Yeah, shut down the whole of the airport.
Oh my God.
And boot it back up again.
No, nothing coming, you know, because I want the bars on the top to be lighting up.
I go through this whole thing of straightening all the cables.
Oh, because that's important.
That's really important.
The cables have got to be straight.
What, you think the data might get stuck on a corner?
Well, an IT guy once told me that if you've got a twisted cable that might make a difference.
I tell you the thing to do actually is take the plug off one end and blow down the cable, then you clear the blockages.
done all that.
You'll find things drop out the other end.
I get a little brush, I dust all the connectors and everything like that.
I unplug the router from the wall, having switched it off just on the back there.
In case static's built up.
Unplug it, leave it for 30 seconds.
Count 30 seconds before I plug it back in.
That's how much time static takes to leave.
Exactly, for it to reset.
I unscrew the antenna.
I wave it around and then screw it back in there.
Wow, this is such an amazing dance.
I move the position of the router itself much, much closer to my computer so it's almost like sitting on top of the computer and then sometimes I'll move it, you know, because I don't want any furniture to be blocking the thing because otherwise the wireless stuff couldn't get around the furniture possibly.
Sometimes I
I go out of the room and come back in again and smile at the router.
I'll chat to the router.
I'll beg the router to work.
I'll cook the dinner.
I'll tell you what it feels like.
It feels like you're approaching it from every possible angle apart from the proper one.
Well, what's that one?
Well, you could like... I don't know.
You could call somebody.
I've done that.
Have you?
You think I haven't done that?
How did that go?
Badly!
They come round and they go, it works fine.
Yeah, it works fine for five minutes while they're there.
And then they go away.
I tell you what, I bet you someone from this program could help you out.
I bet you there's a listener who lives in the Norfolk area who could help you out.
I don't believe that's the case.
I bet there is.
We're right, because we're right on the periphery of the signal thing, right?
Really?
And there's no cable around where we live.
Satellite?
Is that how you're getting it from the sky?
I can't get satellite.
I can't afford satellite.
I'd pretty much have to launch my own satellite as far as the IT guys in Norfolk are concerned.
It's ludicrous and it's driving me insane!
You can use the phone though, can't you?
The telephone.
You know what?
Can you make telephone calls from your house?
You.
You can't?
Well, no, not where I'm working.
I can't.
I'm working somewhere separate.
Oh, well, then you do have a problem.
It's ludicrous.
Anyway, machine juju news there.
It's just gone 11.30 and it's time for the real news.
Text, text, text, text, text the nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text.
Yes, indeed.
Text the nation time before that.
You heard 15 Minutes by Kirsty McColl.
This is Adam and Jo, of course, here on 6 Music and Text the Nation this week.
It's about things you couldn't afford or couldn't get hold of for whatever reason, so you made them yourself.
Yes.
I was thinking of sweet, sweet love.
That's a little disgusting joke for you.
That's disgusting.
Absolutely disgusting.
Here's one from Max who says, I wanted a PS1 so I made one.
I did the controllers, console, and even discs.
I made up games like Super Pillow and Pillow Fighter.
I had pillows on the brain, Max.
The weird thing is, when people sort of forget the point of the thing they're making, do you know what I mean?
Well that's good it's a console and and it's proper games proper games even.
I understand because I made a TV when I was younger.
Right and that was obviously just a box with a hole cut in it and I just put stuck some knobs on.
Yeah.
But you can stick your head in one of those.
Stick someone else's head in there.
If you've got an interesting friend, imagine if you were friends with someone who's actually... Imagine if you were friends with Justin Lee Collins, job done.
Stick a cardboard box on his head and you've got... You're obsessed with Justin Lee Collins today.
I like him.
You watched his chat show, didn't you?
That's what's happened.
Yeah, I was talking about him off air.
I haven't talked about him on air.
That's true.
Confusingly.
I like his show that he does.
He voices over.
It's like a clip show thing.
He's a fun guy.
I like that show.
He's got all the hair.
Here is one from Mickey Melville in Leeds.
Hi Adam and Jo.
I had a novel do-it-yourself empire as a child.
I developed many enemies as a youth and decided to get revenge with homemade stink bombs.
I put dog poo in jam jars that I launched from a safe distance.
I used to collect the poo on a stick.
What's a safe distance for dog poo filled jam jars?
You picked up
dog poo with a stick, put it in little jam jars.
Why are you reading that one out?
Then threw it at people.
That's from a total psychopath.
That's why I'm reading it out.
I'm a sociopath.
Either that or Danny Wallace.
But in a way, he's got the... He's got the basic functionality of a stink bomb.
I mean, it's a stinky bit of liquid in a little glass pellet, isn't it?
Yeah.
So he's doing the right thing.
He's got a stinky substance and a glass thing.
He's investing time in a very unpleasant area, though.
Shouldn't do that, though, should you?
I mean, that could be really awful.
I mean, it could give you diseases and slice your body up.
A combination of broken glass and dog pop.
Okay, Stacey says, for some reason as an adolescent I thought having perfectly straight teeth made me an outsider.
Why couldn't I have a brace like all the cool kids?
So I fashioned one out of paperclips.
Strangely the idea caught on, and soon lots of the kids in year 8 were making fake braces and the school had to issue a warning about the danger of paperclip braces.
That's nuts, I must say.
That is nuts.
And what if you had fillings?
I mean, that would interfere very agonisingly.
It could be useful because you could use them as soldering points to solder the braces on.
Can you?
Just a tiny drop of solder.
I mean, it's dangerous to solder anything in your mouth.
The idea of soldering a thing to your things.
You know, like, oh, that just, that sends chills down my spine.
You got teeth anxieties.
Well, it's bad enough when you just accidentally bite on some foil with a, with a filling.
Actually soldering.
Here's one from Tessa in Ascot.
When I was younger, this is along similar lines, I thought a gangster grill on motifs was the ultimate accessory.
So considering I couldn't afford a diamond encrusted ghetto smile, I dried out my mouth for a good 10 minutes, applied superglue to my braces, and proceeded to delicately stick several crystal flower earrings provided by Claire's accessories onto my brace brackets.
Voila!
My grill lasted a good two weeks.
I think people began to look past my thick glasses and chubby little body and realise how gangster I really was.
Must have sliced up her lips though, the inside of her lips.
Yeah, could she even close her mouth?
No, she would have looked goofy.
That's absolutely insane behaviour.
Um, and that's pretty much it, I think.
You know, what about the thing is that it's fun when you make these things for yourself, but then occasionally your parents would make them for you.
Did you ever get that?
Like my dad, when we complained about not having a pool one hot summer, he just dug a hole in the garden and shoved a bin liner in there and filled it up with our hoes.
That sounds quite fun.
Well, it was sort of fun for a little bit, but then it just instantly got muddy and gross and horrible.
I said the word gross.
That's all right.
Just if I'm from America.
Thanks for everyone who sent in Text the Nation stories there.
You might find that some of the really good ones we missed will turn up in Retro Text the Nation in next week's podcast.
That's right.
And don't forget to download the podcast in today.
There still exists a schism between people that listen to the show live and people that listen to it in podcast form.
And sometimes, you know, one is not aware of the other in a way.
Yeah.
And our producer James brilliantly now gets that podcast up there at five o'clock on every Monday regularly.
Yes.
Well done, James.
Round of applause for James.
Yay!
Music time now.
This is LaRue.
She's the 80s lady, isn't she?
Yes.
She's got the big quiff hair thing.
Yeah.
She's bringing back the 80s single-handedly.
This is quicksand.
Would you get her out of the quicksand?
Yeah, I'd probably pull her out by the quiff.
Yeah, because that would be I'd wait until she was all the way under and then grab the very tip of the quiff.
I think she could probably take quite a lot of weight on that quiff.
You know, the what's the word?
Talk.
It's not talk.
I was going to say talk.
I know what you mean, like the resistance.
But you're right.
That's probably why she has the quiff.
So she's extra tall.
So if she gets in a quicksand situation, there's more chance of her being rescued because more of her sticks up above it for longer.
Sure.
she's absolutely terrified of quicksand and that's there all makes perfect sense all makes total sense so listen we're almost at the end of our show it's whizzed by as usual i've got a little free play for you now how's the can we have a weather check because it said sunny with cloudy spells this weekend it's going to be sunny
Yeah, it's going to be a very sunny weekend.
You're checking on your phone there.
I'm checking on my telling phone.
But the thing about that phone weather thing, I've got the same thing.
Update failed.
Yeah, sometimes the update fails.
The other thing is that it just tells you what the weather is at that point.
You know what I mean?
Like if the sun suddenly comes out, it'll say, oh, it's sunny.
And then almost invariably, the next five days, it's going to be sunny.
Oh, yeah, it's going to be sunny.
And then the next morning, the whole week's forecast will have changed.
Oh, no, it's going to be very rainy.
It's very rainy this week.
It's like a baby, it doesn't understand that things change.
It thinks that what's happening now is going to carry on forever.
That's why babies and children get upset.
Can you use that?
Use that with your kids, it'll help you.
Thank you.
What are you doing on bank holiday?
I don't know, I've got very few plans.
I've bought the Star Trek movie, all of the first six Star Trek movies on Blu-ray.
What a strange thing for a non-Star Trek fan to do.
Well, I really want to watch Star Trek The Motion Picture.
Oh, on Blu-ray.
Yeah, the first ever one, the Robert Wise one, the hugely over-the-top one.
Vigour, I work for Vigour.
And then it turns out it's Voyager.
That's one of the lamest things in the film ever.
Is that from Star Trek The Movie?
Yeah, yeah, the motion picture.
Yeah.
VJ, I haven't got to that bit yet.
Don't ruin it.
I don't worry, you're not missing anything.
Oh, it's amazing.
With the board.
I've watched half of it.
It's incredible.
Because they really went to town with the special effects.
Special effects like a paint pot being thrown at the screen, didn't they?
Yeah, it's like 2001.
2001.
It's sort of epic and it's all analogue effects, so it's amazing.
It was sort of trippy, wasn't it?
It was at the very early 80s, wasn't it?
I don't know, I'd say very late 70s.
Okay, right, okay.
Anyway, that's what I've got lined up.
Is that nerdy enough for you?
Yes, thank you.
That absolutely ticks all the nerdy boxes.
Roth of Khan digitally restored?
Yeah, wonderful stuff.
That's supposed to be good.
I haven't seen that for years.
And you haven't seen all of them.
You haven't seen the sixth one or whatever it was.
No, no.
Some of them are unwatchable, surely.
Well, the first six are the best, aren't they?
The first few are the best, the oldies.
The oldies were the first six, the first three maybe.
Four, five and six, I can't remember.
Anyway, here is a free play for you right now, listeners, and this is from an album that never gets boring.
You just keep coming back to this one.
Lovely for a sunny morning.
So I've chosen it.
This was introduced to me by... Let me guess.
Wham.
Fantastic.
Wham's fantastic album.
That never gets boring.
It's Wham's fantastic album.
I've plundered it.
No, this is actually from Scott Four, and this was an album that was introduced to me by a journalist called Tom Cox.
Do you remember Tom Cox?
He interviewed us.
Tommy Cox, of course.
He's written many entertaining books about cats and golf and things like that.
He always writes very entertainingly and interestingly about music.
And he got me into this album, and for that I'm forever grateful.
And this is a track called The World's Strongest Man.
That was Bjerg with Hyper Ballad and this is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.
That's pretty much the end of our show.
Thanks for listening and thanks to everybody who texted an email for Text the Nation.
We'll be back live here on BBC 6 Music at the same time next week from 9am till noon.
Plus you can listen again if you want to via the BBC iPlay.
I can't listen again.
No, you can't do anything.
Because of my router problems.
Thanks very much for the router suggestions.
Some guys saying, oh, you know, 30 seconds, if you switch it off and on again, that's not enough to let the circuit discharge.
Try 60 seconds.
Life's too short for me to sit around extending my machine juju routine for 60 seconds, flipping heck, Tucker.
Yes.
I mean, for goodness sake.
I agree.
I'm scared.
Yeah, exactly.
I'm just going to go back to cable straightening.
Don't forget that we do read every single email.
We do our best to anyway.
So if you've got some router advice for Dr. Buckles, it will get through to him.
And the podcast will be available to download at five o'clock on Monday with extra bits.
Even better, if you live in the Norfolk area and you wish to come and just help me construct some kind of makeshift router that will work.
Honestly, I'm thinking of just running a six-mile LAN cable to someone's house that actually has decent broadband.
That's it.
We're going to leave you with music from the Maccabees.
We'd love you better.
We'll see you next week.
Bye-bye.
Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.