Welcome to the Big British Castle It's time for Adam and Joe to broadcast on the radio There'll be some music and some random talking in between And then eventually the whole thing will just end Black Squadron!
Always catch the beginning of the show Black Squadron don't wanna miss a thing That's not the one Black Squadron wrote
Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the squirt room's power
Good morning, listeners to this live Adam and Jo BBC Six music radio programme.
That's what they should call it, BBC Sick.
This is so BBC Sick.
Sick music.
That would be more popular with the kids.
Exactly.
That's the kind of thing that Black Squadron like.
Welcome to BBC Sick.
You know, congratulations, you didn't go to bed too late last night, as the jingle pointed out.
You took care of yourself.
You didn't have that extra drink or whatever it was.
You left the pub at 9 p.m.
sharp and you were tucked up in bed.
You didn't watch the late night telly, all the kind of quiz channels and all that sort of stuff because you wanted to be up at nine o'clock to catch the beginning of the live show.
Well done.
Yeah, and you're going to be receiving your order in a second Black Squadron.
But what have we got coming up in the show today?
I mean, we don't usually do a sort of a menu at the top, but most professional shows have a kind of a menu.
They tease things that are coming up because most professional shows have things coming up.
That's right.
Well, later in the show, Joe, we've got our makeover.
Fantastic.
We're going to be making over our producer James.
We've got diet tips.
The Blazin' Squad will be here, the Reformed Blazin' Squad.
We will be clearing all the music out of the show for a one hour in-depth interview with the Blazin' Squad.
Then later on we've got more diet tips and we've got our exercise with Joe.
I'll be exercising.
And I'll be teaching you how to make a raspberry flan.
That's right.
Also summer fashion.
I'm going to be talking about that for half an hour solid.
And during that half hour, we won't actually play any music.
It'll just be me talking about some of fashion.
So hang on, we've got no music during the Blaze and Squad Hour.
No music during the diet tips.
So wow, we've only got an hour and a half to play music in.
Pretty much the next song we play will be the only bit of music we play.
So what's the command for Black Squadron this morning?
OK, standby Black Squadron.
This is a very simple command.
I don't know how people will photograph or record this command, as you'll realise when you hear it.
are we asking people to record it in any way like last week it's always fun isn't it just tell us the stories let me just say that as soon as uh commander cornish issues the command we will be playing florence and the machine's rabbit heart but right now black squadron here is your command standby black squadron hide
Thanks very much for the gift that was Florence and the machine with rabbit heart brackets raise it up and It's released on June the 22nd.
It comes from her debut album lungs.
There's a picture of her here She is another she looks you know who she reminds me of Toya
Yeah, she looks a little like Kate Bush as well in that picture.
Two beautiful women for the price of one.
She's got the sort of glitter on her, the palms of her hands.
Hasn't she?
Or maybe she's got black flies.
She's been infected by black flies.
She needs to be sprayed down with some organic black fly killer.
The picture that we've got, it certainly looks as if she's just done a bit of puke on a couple of her hands.
And then splayed her hands out and said, look at what I've done on my hands.
And then some flies have landed on her hands.
While you weren't looking, I would stick on my hands.
Look at it.
If you look for Florence of the Machine on the internet, click images on Google, you'll probably find that very picture and you'll see what we're talking about.
Hey, it's a lovely day.
It's a beautiful morning, listeners.
I'd warrant that almost nobody's listening.
You reckon?
Yeah, because everyone's out frolicking.
And you can't take DAB radios outside, can you?
Well, you can.
Some of them, but not many people have them.
So I think that if we're lucky, there might be some Listen Again action on this show.
But if you are listening live, I'd say you're the crème de la crème.
The absolute crème de la crème.
The crème de la crème egg.
Yeah.
And the thought is horrific that someone might actually take their radio outside and be blasting this.
Do you know what I mean?
Oh, in a sort of obnoxious manner.
Hmm.
I think that's quite a cool thought is it?
Yeah, really really really loud really really loud.
Yeah sort of volume that you would Call the noise patrol and complain about mm-hmm call the council.
What would you say?
What would you I mean?
You've got an opportunity to yell to say it's not the volume that annoys me.
It's the men
and the things they're saying, the glibness, the conceitedness, the flippancy.
I was going to call the noise patrol last night.
There's this guy who comes because I'm staying in London.
I'm doing some work in London at the moment.
And so I've been staying here.
I'm not used to life in London.
It's very noisy at night.
Right.
And there's this guy who's been rolling around and parking opposite the house I'm staying in and just leaving his engine running.
That's very annoying.
What is that about?
Is he waiting for someone to come out?
I don't know.
That is very annoying.
Does it rumble the house?
Sure it does.
He's got like a sports car with a big rumbly engine.
People will do that.
They will sit in idle outside one's house.
I timed how long he was doing it for.
Did you?
25 minutes.
No.
What's that?
Did he have his stereo on?
No, no stereo.
I went down there because I thought, it's time for me to go out.
I had to put my shorts back on and stuff and go out into the street and stand there.
And you stared at him.
I did some staring.
Good for you.
I was thinking about going up and tapping on his window and saying, any chance you could turn your engine off?
But then I thought, I'm frightened, so I won't do that.
because maybe he's involved in something nefarious and he might pull a gat out and blat, blat, blat.
That would be the end of Bucky Lee's.
Almost definitely would have happened.
Because that's what happens to people in sports.
But I was thinking, what's he doing?
Running his engine?
What's that?
All I could think was that he was doing it
to pay someone back like it was deliberate payback for someone.
He was trying to freak some guy out in the flat opposite.
I don't... Who runs their engine for 25 minutes?
Get involved, man.
Get involved.
Don't be afraid.
Vigilante action.
Because I guarantee it'll happen next week.
So maybe I should go out there with my tape recorder and I'll play... Get in there, definitely.
Play the confrontation on next week's show.
Yeah, we can make this an investigative program investigating two very specific individuals.
But can you imagine the tragedy, though?
I think that might be against the castle rules.
Really?
Yeah.
What's the... Targeting random individuals.
I'm not targeting him!
He's targeting me with his loud, annoying engine rumbling.
With his idling.
His engine idling.
He's killing the planet, apart from anything else.
He is, isn't he?
He's wasting... He's a planet killer.
Yeah.
He's keeping bucketings awake.
No, I couldn't agree more strongly.
I couldn't agree more strongly.
I usually get the engine and the stereo.
The... While you're watching Telly in the background.
I mean, I was thinking... What do you do?
I was thinking...
photograph the number plate, call the cops.
What would the cops do?
Nothing, really?
Probably nothing.
It's not a crime, isn't it?
That's what's wrong.
Sitting in your car while the engine is idling is not a crime, isn't it?
And it should be!
It should be!
Make it a crime!
Well, it's a lovely sunny day, as we said, and I've got some summary music.
All my free plays, someone emailed us this week and said, what is a free play?
Free play is just, you know, because most of our music is chosen by our producer James.
Brilliantly chosen.
Brilliantly chosen along strict BBC and six music guidelines, as well as, you know, employing James' own taste.
But every, you know, Joan and myself are allowed to pick our own songs completely irrespective of any guidelines, and that is a free play.
So here's one that actually, you know, this is a pretty typical six music song anyway, I would say, but it's The Velvet Underground and this track is called Who Loves The Sun.
Joe Cornish, you're a white boy.
Yes.
If someone came up to you, Wild Cherry, for example, and demanded that you play some funky music.
I'd be incapable because I'm a white boy, unless you know white people can't play funky music.
They can't jump.
No, they can't jump.
That's very true.
That film was originally called White Men Can't Dance.
Was it?
Yeah.
Then they changed it to jump.
Have you seen that film recently?
It's a bit more reductive.
No, I remember it being alright at the time.
That was Harrelson just at the peak, just beginning to pop off the other side into the lavatory.
Yeah.
There you go.
Before Woody started wilting.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Last week I was complaining about the fact that I lost one of my saddlebags while I was cycling and no one in London in this great city alerted me to the fact or jumped in a cab and chased after me with the saddlebag.
Disgusting.
It's a total disgrace.
Someone else emailed us this week with a slightly different type of story, but similar.
This is it from Andrew Bird.
He said, I have sympathy for your saddlebag flying off your bike.
I also had a similar experience.
Not a single person on the street alerted me to the fact that my cat Brian was balanced on the roof of my car for over a kilometer.
It wasn't until I stopped at traffic lights that Brian slid in through the sunroof.
They sent a photo, didn't they?
Yeah, after clinging onto the roof rack.
They sent, yes, attached as a picture of Brian in his favourite position for long journeys.
Brian looks very elegant.
sitting in the middle of the back seat, but free of any sort of cat box or basket.
He's just loose in the car.
That's the problem.
We used to do that as a family when I was a kid, when we'd go on holiday to Devon, we'd release the cat in the car.
And it still haunts me in my dreams and nightmares, the idea of the cat escaping.
Because that used to be the thing when you'd stop to go to the loo or go to the services, you had to be very careful or the cat would get out.
Right.
And cats aren't very good in alien territory, you know, it freaks them out.
Sure.
And I used to be really worried about it as a kid, so much so that I still dream about it as a kind of Freudian neuroses losing a cat.
That's one of your basic anxiety tropes.
Yeah, it is.
Cat loss.
So when I saw that picture, I was slightly unsettled at the idea of Brian loose in the car and maybe, you know, maybe he might squeeze through a window.
That's horrific, though, that he was driving along with a cat on the roof.
No, but they're not saying the cat was loose on that.
They don't just put the cat on the roof rack.
Presumably, is that what they're saying?
He was hanging onto the roof rack.
No, they set the cat not in a box or anything, just on the roof and then drove off.
I think they accidentally forgot to take... Is that what they're saying?
James, voice of reason.
Yeah, yeah.
But is the cat in a cat box or basket?
Or is it just sitting wild?
He's just hanging on.
Really?
Yeah, he's wild on the roof.
Oh my gosh.
He's partying on the roof rack.
Really?
Yeah.
I didn't think cats had that much sort of self-control or, you know... He's a genius cat, obviously, Andrew Bird's cat.
I mean, we should stress that don't, under any circumstances, test the genius of your cat.
No, this could become some sort of a craze, you know?
By putting it on the roof.
Like in New York when kids train surfed and other really fatal things like that.
Cat surfing.
We don't want to encourage that.
No way, Jose.
That's awful.
That's terrible.
But cats are territorial.
They rely on knowing exactly where they are and where everything is.
It would freak a cat out to put it on the top of a car and drive off.
It's like people who have their cats on leads and take them shopping and stuff.
Well, it could have been a kind of Johnny Knoxville stunt cat.
He might have relished the challenge.
No such thing.
Is there?
You can't get cats to do anything.
You can't train them.
But they are so agile and nimble.
You know, a roof wrecker would just be thinking, I can deal with that.
It's not a problem.
That's true.
Not a problem.
Do you think anyone's accidentally done that with a baby?
Yes.
I mean, someone at some stage.
Definitely.
Because the thing is, mums at that stage, when their babies are very small, they're so tired and overwhelmed with exhaustion sometimes.
Pop the baby on the roof of the car like you would a cup of coffee.
Like your keys?
Yeah, while you open that, you get your keys out and open the door.
Drive off for a little while.
stop too fast you know what the key is to both of those situations is make sure your cat and your baby are wearing a cape because then when the car's in motion it looks much cooler that's right isn't it yeah it's a good tip for exhausted young mums everywhere
Thanks for that, uh, email though, Andrew.
Here's some music right now.
This is Ini Mer Sing-er-Vital Thing.
What?
Vital A Singer by Sigur Ross.
That's exact- I pronounced it exactly right, by the way.
That's how you pronounce it.
I bet you the video to this has naked people in it.
Do you reckon so?
Most of their videos have naked people, don't they?
Gambling around fields.
A little bit like the idiots.
Yeah.
Lars von Trier?
No.
I don't think so.
It's who is it?
It's someone else, Thomas Vinterberg.
I can't remember.
It's one of those other dogs.
Svelte von Tautimax.
But anyway, that's something to imagine while you listen to this record.
Beautiful, naked Nordic people running around fields.
I love Swishdish.
Whatever language that is.
Swishdish.
Okay, this is Adam and Joe here on 6 Music.
It's time to stand down Black Squadron just before the news.
So Black Squadron, you can stop hiding and stand down.
Black Squadron!
Stand down, your work is done.
You've earned yourself a nice warm bath and maybe a nice little bun.
Black Squadron!
Ooh.
Mm.
That was winter sleep there, very nice, with weighty ghost.
This is Adam and Jo on Six Music.
It's a beautiful Saturday morning.
We're very pleased that you've decided to join us.
Thanks to everybody, all the Black Squadron members who've now, of course, been stood down, who sent in photos of themselves obeying this morning's task.
particularly privates Nick and Ruch, who just sent us a photo of blackness, complete darkness, which is the evidence we're looking for, really.
That's ultimate hiding, isn't it?
Yeah, there's quite a lot of photos that have come through from under duvets.
Rob has sent one in from Birmingham of himself under the sack.
Someone suggested in the week that we issue commands to Black Squadron that were a little more socially important, shall we say.
Yes.
Like, for example, we've got elections this week, so we should encourage people to vote and use their vote.
Exercise their democratic right.
Yeah, but that's something you wouldn't want to just limit to Black Squadron members, would you?
I feel, you know, the Black Squadron are an elite SAS-style force, so we do need to test them in particular ways.
You know, that would be a command.
The command to exercise your democratic right would be a universal command, not a command specific to the squadron.
The squadron, you know, they're a little bit subversive and we're training them.
We've so far trained them to hide.
Yeah, to put eggs in their mouth.
To put bread in their pockets and to write the name of their own squadron on their forehead.
You might think these commands are just randomly plucked out of the air.
They all come from the SAS handbook.
And they're all leading up to something very specific.
A major, what would you call it?
Scrambleage.
Is that a military term?
Scrimmage.
Cribbage.
A major game of cribbage.
They're going to lead to a major action in which all of these skills will play a part.
A major action.
If you believe that, it will.
Who would believe that?
Who's sitting at home going, really?
Well, what would be hard to believe is that we've carefully chosen all those activities to fit into some kind of preconceived, like, and you think at home, you think, no, they're just making that up to make it sound as if they've thought about it.
Wrong.
You wait till the campaign starts.
Yeah.
You wait till you hear what the major action is to be taken over the summer.
Then you'll be scrambling for your egg.
Right?
Yeah.
But you won't be able to find any.
Because Black Squadron will have nicked them all and stuffed them in their mouths.
Is that euphemistic?
This is just nonsense.
Listen, I think we should launch Texternation, don't you?
Good idea.
Shall we have a record first, then?
Because the audience might be burdened by information and talking.
That's true.
Yeah, let's have a little record.
And then after this, we've got a new Texternation jingle as well from a listener that's been sent in.
We'll unveil that after your choice here, Joe.
This is your first free play.
Yes, what is this?
What have I got lined up?
Al Green?
Oh, yeah, this is really nice.
This is... Oh, dear.
It's What More Do You Want From Me?
It's from Al Green's new album, the one that came out a couple of years ago.
Let it begin.
That's Al Green, what more do you want from me?
I think the album's called Lay It Down, isn't it?
Here's one that he came out with a couple of years ago.
That sounded like classic rev.
Yeah, he went back to his old-school demeanor.
He got the same, I mean, it sounded like almost exactly the same kind of production and instrumentation.
Yeah, same drum sound, same sort of muted horn sound.
I like it.
It's nice.
I think everyone should do that.
Yeah, just take it back to the roots.
Do you know what I mean?
You know, as an art project, you could even justify it as an art project.
If Bowie tried to make an album that sounded as similar as possible to Hunky Dory, I would be delighted.
That's very true.
And he could say, if people said, you just run out of ideas, no, no, incorrect.
I'm doing it as an art project.
I've never heard anything quite as wrong as that.
Me and Eno have gone back into the studio to try and reconstruct as closely as possible.
Hunky Jory, even though Eno was not involved originally with Hunky Jory, but that's part of the superlattative nature of the project.
And we're very pleased with the results.
Oh, there he is in the garden.
He's not around enough saying stupid things to Bowie anymore, is he?
No.
It's a long time since I've seen him on the telly using a word like theatricality.
With theatricality.
Or superlattattattativeness.
Too much is never enough.
and wuzzer wuzzer wuzzer wuzzer wuzzer wuzzer wuzzer wuzzer wuzzer wuzzer.
Jingle.
He says to us, it is with blind optimism that I send you this Texanation Jingle.
I have taken inspiration from my youth and composed it in the style of the old Commodore 64 computer that I and thousands of others loved dearly.
I hope you like it.
I hope you consider it as worthy as the other fantastic compositions that you have received from listeners and play it.
So here we go, Paul.
This is brilliant.
One of my favourite things about it is the fact that it gets pretty incomprehensible when it tries to do the little bit of sort of call and response towards the end of the single.
Let's check it out.
That's beautifully produced.
That's the sound of a computer having a massive nervous breakdown.
Very nice indeed.
Paul McDonald, thank you very, very, very much.
That's a dad joke.
Isn't it?
That's the joke of a man who's got young children, nursery ride based.
I'm not saying it's bad.
Kids out there will love it.
McDonald with porn instead.
He's begging for it.
Okay, so text the nation this week.
This is inspired by the fact that I brought in my video camera a few weeks ago just to film myself and Joe doing this show.
I don't know why I did.
I just thought, you know, I like to, I'm an archivist.
I like to tape things, film things, take photographs.
That's the kind of person I am.
And I was just checking that the tape had recorded okay afterwards.
And I just was appalled by the things I was doing while we were off air, while the music was playing.
All the disgusting little bits and pieces that I was doing there while I was sat in my chair.
I still had my beard then.
I've just shaved because I'm doing a TV show that requires me to shave.
But I had my beard and I had the fork from a fruit salad
And I was just sort of combing it through my beard like a little kind of beard comb.
So this is kind of disgusting habits you have.
Disgusting habits other people have and things that you just enjoy doing sort of picking or preening at your body maybe or it needn't even be that it can be broader than that.
But sort of revolting things you do without realising it or you see other people
And this is something, my wife is actually away at the moment, so I open season.
I think I can talk if she's in France, so I can talk with her.
We should have just done a special.
Ragging on my wife.
But she does this thing when we're watching TV, she's all curled up like a big cat on the sofa.
And she, for a long time, I didn't know what the heck she was doing.
She's like, it looks as if she's teasing a single hair on her head, right?
So she'll start at the root of the hair, and then she will
don't tell me she's pulling some sort of a skin lump or flake out bongo she's teasing it through the hair yeah she's located what comes out at the other end she's located a little scalpy scab pops it off there
Oh man, I would get badly busted if she ever knew I was really talking about this.
Ask people she knows to listen to this, don't they?
Please don't tell her.
Seriously, if anybody knows her, please don't tell her, because my life wouldn't be worth living.
But I told someone else about this, and they said, yeah, I do that.
I do that.
You know, fondle around on the scalp, because it's quite fun sometimes.
You fondle around and you think, oh, there's a little lumpy there.
I'll have a little girl.
It should be said, your wife's got particularly fulsome hair, very sort of curly.
Marge Simpson hair.
Yeah, quite a lot of hairs.
There's a lot going on in there.
And there are areas of mystery.
Certainly there could be all kinds of little sandwiches in there.
But she's, I think, I said, what are you doing when you tease your hair like that?
And she said, I said, you're not like getting little scabs and things out.
Yeah.
She said, what does she do with them once they're out?
That's the most troubling thing.
I think she feeds them to the children.
Touchy!
Yeah, that's what mothers do, isn't it?
Ah, makes put some in an omelette.
Like birds, you know, that's the kind of disgusting thing that birds do.
They eat vomit worms into their children's mouths.
That's a nice image, isn't it?
Yeah.
For a Saturday morning.
I'm sorry about that.
That's nature.
What are you going to do?
This is going to be a slightly grotesque explanation.
So if you want to use made up words or creative language to describe revolting things in a slightly more palatable way, feel free.
The one thing I think I do a lot, I'm slightly obsessed with pulling out nose hairs.
Are you?
So I do like to try and grab a nose hair.
Rather than trim them.
You'd never use trims.
Well, no, I might trim them if I'm in the bathroom doing my, you know, grooming routine.
Yeah.
But when out and about, for instance, or while a record's playing on this program.
Have a little fondle.
I might want to go for a nose head.
Have a little rummage.
And there's nothing more satisfying than putting both, you know, the both fingertips up the nostril.
Like big tweezers.
Yeah.
Oh, I nearly got one just then.
I did as well.
And then you get it and you tug it and it came out.
Look at that.
Wizard.
With a little white bit at the end.
It doesn't have a white bit at the end, but yeah, it does.
No, you're right.
It does.
And I love it.
I love the little moment of agony when it pops out, but then the satisfaction as the agony recedes and the inspection of the hair.
And anyway, it's the kind of thing you can get really carried away with.
You know the absolute most painful ones are the ones just on the tip, on the bridge.
They're the ones to go, sort of under the rim, as the toilet duck advert would say.
Under the rim of the tip of the nose, yeah.
It's true.
So is that a disgusting habit?
It's slightly disgusting.
It means you come away with a bit of yourself in your hand.
That's always the problematic.
Especially when you're talking about the white bit.
I would say that certainly qualifies for today's Texanation.
I think that it should be a new thing in the world, that there are little bowls around the place.
like ashtrays used to be in the old days and everyone just puts their... bits of their body in the bowl and at the end of the day they either get put in the bin or fed to the kids
That's a little sort of snacking bowl.
That's a nice idea.
I mean, we recycle so much else.
Yeah.
The text number is 64046.
Tell us about your sort of disgusting, almost subconscious habits.
And you do.
And part of this text donation, the challenge of the feature is for you to couch your disgusting habits in kind of terms that aren't too disgusting.
People aren't going to use rude words though, are they?
It's just, it's just grocery.
Yeah.
That's all right.
We just want to stop people being so revolted they actually switch off the radio.
Yeah, careful if you're going into toilet areas.
Yeah, exactly.
That's a good rule of thumb anyway.
Yeah.
You know what I did before, ladies and gentlemen?
I incorrectly attributed a song to Winter Sleep when actually we were playing Lights Out by Santa Gold when we came out of the news after 9.30.
I'm very, very sorry.
I publicly apologize to all the members of both Winter Sleep and Santa Gold.
Ofcom.
I'm disgusting.
I'm a disgrace.
I stink.
I don't deserve to be on the radio, and I'm deeply, deeply ashamed.
Right now, here is Winter Sleep with Weighty Ghost.
And that's it.
Can't get in anywhere else other than digital.
Sick music.
This is Adam and Jo.
Thank you very much for joining us.
Have you heard the new single by the Noisettes, Jo?
I don't know if I have.
Have we played it on this show?
It's not really a sick music playlist.
This is the only show I listen to.
Is it?
This is the number one, my number one show.
Don't listen to Moils.
I never miss it.
There's a good article in Word Magazine about how, you know, Moils is actually more enjoyable than one might think.
Really?
Yeah.
Which is true.
You should listen to Moils.
Should I?
Yeah.
Try it this week.
Okay.
Give him a go.
Not going to.
No, come on.
Give him a go.
Okay.
Hey?
Yeah, okay.
Come on.
Come on!
Give him a go!
I'm not going to.
Give him a go!
No, I don't.
I'm not going to bow to intimidation.
Are you not?
Nah.
I'm not doing it.
He's not bowing.
The only thing I think is that because I'm a BBC employee I should support other programs.
But I'm not going to.
I'm not going to listen to Myles.
Well, you're missing out.
Anyway, the Noisette's new single is called Never Forget You and it's very nice but I don't know if we've played it on this show before.
Here's a little clippage though.
Have a listen to this.
Right.
Nice little sound there.
You are always wearing what?
You were mischievous.
Yes.
It's the bit I've got a problem with.
Mischievous!
Well, I mean, that's not how you pronounce it.
Mischievous.
Mischief.
I'd say it's flexible, depending on where you come from.
No, no, no.
Mischievous.
Not flexible.
Mischievous is the word.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mischievous is one of those words that people, a lot of people say.
Well, it's a fun thing.
It's a fun thing.
A fun thing.
Yeah, it's like news readers do it with the planet Uranus and stuff like that.
Yeah, or the names of difficult African leaders that you can show a bit of personality and flair by pronouncing a word in an unusual way, right?
It's a mode of self-expression.
But that's just mischievous.
But that's just plain wrong.
A lot of people get it wrong, you know, and then to immortalise the wrongness of it in a song.
Yeah, but songs as well, you've got special dispensation because you're trying to... I think so.
I mean, the history of pop and rock is full of mangled words just to make them fit a rhyme.
It's full of nonsensical... Sorry, am I letting the air out of your thing?
It's good, man.
Good.
It's balanced, isn't it?
What would you suggest that she'd sung there?
Mischievous.
We were both mischievous.
Yeah.
Mischievous.
you know because she's getting an extra vowel out of it isn't she yeah yeah or whatever we were mischievous you should go through all pop and rock lyrics with a red marker i have like a sort of a primary school teacher you should circle things yeah cross them put see me at the bottom i wonder who the worst offender would be who would be uh
I mean, there's bad grammar.
Maybe people out there could suggest some infractions that spring to mind.
The bad grammar that sprung to mind for me, famously, is live and let die in this ever-changing world.
Have you got a picture?
In which we live in.
Yeah.
We've talked about this before.
I don't know if he's saying in which we're living, which would be okay.
In this ever changing world in which we're living, we are living.
That's fine.
We want to get Lynne Truss on here is what we want for a sort of pedagogic pop.
There's a title there somewhere to collide those two words.
She could just do a very dry and sort of disdainful little lecture on a pop song.
Not that she's dry and disdainful, but that's the... What are you saying?
We'd encourage her to behave that way.
Hello, it's Lyn Tras, the pop-a-gog here.
I don't know how she speaks.
Like that?
Does she?
in this ever-changing world in which we're living is not grammatically correct under any circumstances.
And he has just simply mangled the grammar there to make it fit in with the media.
We've got a lot of teachers who listen.
I think we know that for a fact, a lot of people in the field of education listening.
I mean, what would teachers say?
Because, you know,
you hear the word mischievous in a song you think yeah well that's how they pronounce it on the because most children look to the noisettes for their pronunciation it's absolutely right i was slightly disgusted by Kanye West this week announcing that he hates books proudly saying that he's never read a book before and using the argument that life experience is more valuable than anything you could ever read in a book yeah no i think this was to do with the publicity for his own book
to add hypocrisy onto hypocrisy Wow but that was a bit depressing you know when people are proud about not reading have been be serious Kenny I think he is gosh that's a bit depressing when people you know actually try and make you make people look stupid for reading yeah are you with your book knowledge was that gonna get you
Book square.
Yeah.
Word ponce.
Bad Kanye.
That is terrible.
And rappers in general are very literate people because they've got to have the words and the rhymes and stuff.
Yeah, they love words.
It's a weird collision of literacy and sort of illiteracy.
More honesty.
Yeah.
Like, for example, I was thinking in the same way that the noise that's pronounced mischievous, what would you, you know, how would you feel if the Beatles sang something in the way she knows?
Right, so they tell more records.
I'm not thought you reckon?
And what about Morrissey?
Arks me, arks me, arks me!
You better axe somebody!
Yeah.
Well they do that in hip hop a lot as well.
They ask his axe.
Yeah.
Inexcusable.
It's disgusting, isn't it?
That's outrageous.
Get out of the class.
Maybe we should all music, we should only play grammatically correct music and if we play any other records
that are grammatically incorrect will punish James.
Well, maybe that's why the Noisettes is not on the playlist.
Because of the grammar infraction.
Quite right.
Pronunciation.
The castle literally... There used to be a department in the BBC, didn't there?
Pronunciation department.
Proper English.
Didn't there?
Does that exist anymore, James?
Does it not?
No.
They've shut it down.
We'd better dust it off.
What are they doing there?
They're using it to store... The bodies of executed presenters.
That's right.
Speaking of which, here's the killers with all these things that I've done.
Text-a-nation!
Text, text, text!
Text-a-nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text-a-nation!
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
Yes, listeners, text the nation this week is all, how would we describe it?
Sort of disgusting personal habits.
Not disgusting is the wrong word because it's going to encourage people to be revolting, but it's sort of things you find yourself doing, little sort of twitches, habits.
Little rituals, personal grooming to do with your own body.
Yeah, that might be perhaps... Revolting to an onlooker.
Unawares.
I think if you do these things entirely in private, then we don't want to know about them.
It's stuff you might find yourself doing in company, but regret.
Yeah.
Things that you're not aware of.
There are some examples.
You'll get the idea.
And we apologize for how revolting these may be.
We should stress that we're reining them in and we are vetting them.
So these are the less revolting ones that I'm about to read out.
This is from Simon in Bath.
Hi Adam and Jo.
My girlfriend takes out her earring and uses the end of it to pick lumps of food from her teeth.
She also absentmindedly uses it to remove the gunk from under her nails, which is of course adorable.
Ooh.
Now, I've got to confess to having a habit of cleaning my nails with paperback books.
Oh, yeah.
I think that's what they're best for.
Sure.
With the covers.
No, with the pages.
Because if you take a bunch of, say, 15 to 20 pages, it can be perfect for getting under a nail.
You can adjust the number of pages you use.
The corners are very pointy, but you can only use a book once.
Sure.
Most of my F. Scott Fitzgeralds have now been used, fully used.
If you go to my bookcase, you know, the corners of the books, you can usually see that most of them have been used for nail cleaning.
Cornball gunk!
All stuck on the edges there, all brown and... It's kind of revolting, isn't it?
That's nice.
This is one from Tam in Cardiff.
Rather than taking time to book an appointment with the dental hygienist, my husband uses one of the pointy attachments on his Leatherman multi-tool to scrape the scroth off his teeth.
He is proud of how this saves us money on appointments and products.
just the thought is setting my teeth on edge on his leather man flipping heck he's like a jungle guy oh my gosh to scrape the scroth that just means what the general sort of white build up of of gunky tartar and stuff like that
plaque.
Is it plaque?
I don't know.
Yeah, fuzz.
Sounds as if that actually might damage the teeth because there's certain layers of stuff you've got to keep on there.
You do want to be careful.
You've got to damage the enamel.
That is for the hygienist to do, mainly.
Yeah.
It's the worst part of the process, isn't it?
It's great.
Yeah.
Tam, I think you should have words with your husband, maybe now that that's been exposed to the nation or a tiny, tiny percentage of the nation.
You'll think again.
Now here's a particularly good one from Chris in Worcestershire.
Worcestershire says, Hi guys, I had a terrible habit when I was younger.
I used to get really hard skin on the underside of my big toes.
One day I picked and picked at it, but it wouldn't come away, so I sliced it off with a craft knife.
Then a curiosity came over me to see what it tasted like.
But I went one step further and stuck it on the end of a pin and cooked it over a candle flame.
It was delicious, a bit like crispy bacon.
It's the young Hannibal Lecter.
Crispy bacon.
How could it possibly be?
What's going through his head while he roasted it?
He must have seen that film alive and thought, oh, I wish I could have been on that.
I'd love to see a picture of Chris's face.
I just want to know what he looks like.
Taffan's the nipples, doesn't it?
Let's do one more.
Jack in Liverpool, one of my housemates does a ridiculously weird thing sometimes when watching the TV.
He will place his elbow in his other hand and breathe out deeply, appearing to say the word foal.
When questioned, he denies it and doesn't realise what he's doing.
He places his elbow in his other hand... I don't quite understand that.
What, and breathes into the elbow?
Foal.
That's a good detail.
It's hard to work out where it fits into the...
Well, the way Adam just demonstrated it by putting... Yeah.
And, you know, that's not too disgusting, but it's got to be... He's got to be breathing into the hand or sniffing the elbow.
I think there's something missing there, isn't there?
There's a whole world of sniffing that maybe we'll come to in the next... Do you remember that guy at our school that used to push his... We should deal with that because sniffing is a whole division in itself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's deal with that in the next section.
Keep them coming in, the text number 64046, if you can out-disgust.
Well, that's the wrong thing to say, isn't it?
But if you've got more eccentric or peculiar personal twitchy habits... Grooming habits.
Gotta find a good way to describe this.
Pithy way.
Well, just... I think disgusting is when it comes to... Disgusting.
We'll figure it out during the next record.
Bizarre, bizarre personal rituals.
It's run DMC with, it's like that and it's the way it is.
Don't know why, but it's like that And that's the way it is
And as the way
happen to you
That's the way
Like a ball eating out of garbage cans You know it's one time he was your man It's like that And that's the way it is You should have ruled your school You could have learned to train But you ran in the bed Where the bumps had made Now all the time you're crying That you're under pain It's like that
So listen up, oh boy, is this a thought?
The next time someone's teaching, why don't you get taught?
It's like that.
And that's the way it is.
If you really think about it, times aren't that bad.
The one that lies with successes will make you glad.
Stop playing, start praying.
You won't be sad.
It's like that.
And that's the way it is.
Sometimes it hurts.
For a million in life is why you search.
Take the bus or be trained.
Drop the school or the church.
It's like that.
And that's the way it is.
Here's another point in life you should not miss.
Do not be a fool who's prejudice.
Because we're all written down on the same list.
It's like that.
What?
And that's the way it is.
That's Run DMC.
It's like that.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
From time to time, we've discussed the excellent TV show The Wire on this programme.
Is it the second series that's running at the moment?
Yeah, I think they're in the midst of the second series.
The Dockers.
Yeah.
Best series for my money.
Really?
Yeah, I mean some people say on first viewing they didn't like the second series so much when I went back and revisited the series recently.
The whole five serieses.
I thought the second series was the best.
Frank Zabotka, The Dockers, Ziggy, tragic.
Wonderful stuff.
Anyway, it occurred to me that there might well be a new generation of police in Baltimore after the success of The Wire, mainly made up of kind of middle class wire fans who've children have grown up and they don't, you know, have anything else particularly to do, no reason to stay in their boring jobs.
They need a thrill injection, right?
So they think to themselves, I'm going to go to Baltimore and I'm going to join the police department and help clean up Baltimore.
Right.
You know?
So I think if you went out there,
You would definitely find a few people mixed in McNulty types sort of saying this mope.
That mope is going for a re-up from the top stash over there.
Is these wire gags?
This is what you say if you're part of the Baltimore police.
Right.
This is street talk, Joe.
Right.
That mope's going for a re-up from the top stash.
What's a mope?
Moped?
No, no, no.
A mope is like a... Someone moping around.
I think it's a sort of a criminal.
A criminal.
A mope.
He's going for a re-up.
Do you know what that is?
No.
He's resupplying from the top stash.
Oh, so he's getting... He's resupplying from the dirty drug stash at the top of one of the buildings.
Right, okay.
A mope's going for a re-up from the top stash.
He's good police.
He's really good police.
I mean, that speaks for itself, right?
But that's how we talk about it.
He's a good policeman.
Right.
But if you're in the police force, you don't say that, because that's too civilian.
No.
So if you're a drug dealer and you're saying someone's good police, what does that mean, that he's corrupt?
No, no.
He's a good man.
He's a fair man.
He's been fairly treating the mopes.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Dickinson.
He's really good police.
Yeah.
Oh, Tristram.
Yeah.
He's very good police indeed.
Absolutely.
Rollo.
Very good police.
Benji is not very good.
It all seems to have been populated by public school boys from the Kensington area.
Yeah.
I'm not saying that everyone who watches The Wire is a public school boy from the Kensington area.
I'm just saying some of them might have got through there.
Right.
Because the message is spreading amongst the middle and upper classes about The Wire.
He might lose his job behind that shiz, but it's all in the game, you all.
Yeah.
That's the kind of thing they would be saying.
Yeah.
Out there in Baltimore.
I guarantee you, if you went out to Baltimore today and hung around on the corners,
That's the kind of thing you'd be getting.
Well, because you're sort of hoping that because it's become very famous and watched a lot.
I'm just trying to make sense of this.
Because the show is popular, they might have stopped behaving like they do in the show.
Is that what you're saying?
No.
I don't understand.
This just feels like a very in-depth joke for viewers of The Wire.
I've only seen it in passing.
I like the fact that this is a kind of reverse of Torpedo Commander Cornish ruining my... I like the fact that you're trying to support it.
I'm doing my best.
I'm trying to find a way in.
It's nice.
No, no, it was... Shall I deconstruct it for you?
Yeah.
Make it really obvious.
Okay, I'll leave it really obvious.
The joke, such as it was.
We should have this on the digital readout.
You can just explain it.
The jokes such as it was was that a lot of middle class people
Watch the wire.
What if they were in it?
What if they were seduced by the jargon and the lingo and the excitement?
Yes, the street.
What if those people went out to join the Baltimore police?
Yes, and that would be quite a juxtaposition.
Wouldn't that be weird?
Yeah.
Imagine the things they would say.
Yeah.
Now I'm getting it.
It's hitting me like waves.
I'm thinking back to the things you said and... Mo's going for a rear from the top staff.
Thanks a lot man.
Thanks for the support.
I really tried.
You know I don't watch The Wire.
I know, I know.
I knew I was going to be in trouble.
I don't know why I'd buy that.
But thanks though.
I sincerely appreciate the support there.
That was bizarre.
Here's a free play for you now.
This is not something we would normally play on 6 Music, but if you don't like this song, there's something badly, badly wrong with you.
This is Will Smith with Getting Jiggy With It.
When I used to DJ at parties and stuff, that was the most devastating weapon in my arsenal.
Yeah, that is a killer jam.
I mean, it's very hard to stop yourself... It's a dangerous jam.
...dancing to that thing.
That's Will Smith, of course, with getting cheeky with it.
What's he sampling there?
What are the samples in it?
Oh, I wish you'd given me some time to look it up on the internet, then I would have sounded like I knew.
But that's amazing, though, isn't it?
And that's about as guaranteed to fill a floor as Don't Stop Till You Get Enough by Michael Jackson.
I'd say his track Summertime as well is a pretty indispensable floor filler.
Yeah, it's a little more down-tempo though, isn't it?
Harder to dance to.
That's true, that's true, not quite so jiggy.
Yeah.
Listen, we got an email a few weeks ago from a listener called Tom aged 15 in New Zealand and this is a little more podcast related because we've got a lot of
little jingly stings in the podcast that we don't use in the live show.
And the podcast, if you don't know about it, listeners, is usually available on the Monday evening after the live show.
But Tommy New Zealand said, Dear Adam and Jo, as an avid listener to your podcast, I especially enjoy your self-created jingles, so much so that I did a school assignment on them for music.
The assignment was to study and analyze a set of songs from the same composers.
So naturally, I thought of my collection of jingles and song wars is that I'd saved up from your podcast.
Naturally.
My teacher was much impressed with not only my ingenuity, but also your musical prowess.
So much so that I got an E.
Which means excellence and is obviously very good.
Cheers, Tom from New Zealand.
Now I'd like to know, is he being sarcastic there?
Does he really mean excellence in New Zealand?
No.
James, you don't know, you went to Australia, not to New Zealand.
They don't have a separate rating system just because they're Kiwis.
They might do.
He is just above a fail.
And I would like to, well, I'd like to hear the truth from Tom.
I'd also like to see that essay.
So would I. Send it in.
Please, Tom, send us that essay.
And if anybody else ever dares to use this programme or the contents of this programme in any kind of educational context, we'd like to hear about it.
Yeah, we'd like to see what you've done.
Because it seems peculiar and strange and stupid.
Right, it's just gone.
10.30 here on BBC Six Music.
It's time for the news.
Yeah, that's REM, with it's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.
This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music, isn't it, Adam?
Yeah, absolutely.
I was thinking that you were gonna steamroll into something that you had planned there.
I just wanted to remind myself that you were there.
Oh yeah, sorry about that.
Hey, incidentally, while I'm here, I should say that it looks as if I might be wrong about poo-pooing the ratings system for Kiwi exams.
Yeah, well, let me find that text there.
Apparently E does mean excellent.
Matt in West Harrow says it's the EGSU rating system.
Excellent, good, satisfactory, unsatisfactory.
It was used for stuff before GCSE levels.
Exactly true.
Well, you can never tell what's true anymore.
No.
I mean, we're partly to blame by being stupid.
Yeah, we'll believe anything that anyone texts us will take at face value.
Oh, yes.
Apparently we were wrong.
Apparently we were right.
But apparently, yes.
So maybe in future, if you text us facts, you can give us some kind of qualification.
Right.
What exam results you got.
And you can't check it on Wikipedia because you're having computer problems.
Maybe some computer problems.
But listen, let's
Let's move on.
That's certainly promising though.
That means that maybe that guy's essay is brilliant.
We're going to find out anyway.
Certainly.
So listen, if you listen to the podcast, you might have heard that I spent last weekend, the bank holiday weekend, catching up on movies.
Oh yes.
I got a big stack of wicked Blu-rays.
Australia, Rise of the Lycans.
Rise of the Lycans.
That's the one I'd like to focus on.
Underworld, Rise of the Lycans.
I got a whole lot of movies.
Defiance I got.
That didn't last very long in the play.
You got the Vinnie Jones one, didn't you?
I got Midnight Meat Train.
That lasted about 20... Most of them lasted about 20 minutes.
Why did you rent Midnight Meat Train?
It was fun.
It was just a lot of fun.
I liked the director to cash in.
Of course, of course.
It wasn't very good, though.
Most of them got ejected.
The one that I watched all the way through that really held my attention, though, was Underworld Rise of the Life.
The third film in the Underworld trilogy, an exciting sort of Shakespearean melodrama about vampires versus werewolves.
Have you seen the other two films?
No.
Why the heck would you go for number three?
Because it was the origin story.
It's a prequel.
I don't know why.
The prequels are always good, aren't they?
A little bit of werewolf action.
Anyway, it was an extraordinary spectacle.
It starred Tony Blair that was very exciting to see the ex-Prime Minister in his first lead movie role.
You mean David Frost?
I do, sorry, I made a mistake there.
I mean Kenny D'Agliche.
Whatever he was called.
What was he called out of the Damned United?
Ray Parker Jr.
That football man.
Barry Clough.
Brian Clough.
Jenny Clough.
Yeah, so anyway, great to see Tony Blair acting.
And also Bill Nye's cheek muscles.
You know that's what he does, Bill Nye, isn't it?
He clenches his jaw and his jaw muscles twinge and he bulges his eyes and talks in that way that he talks.
He was doing that again.
I like it.
Oh, it was massively effective.
And who's the lovely lady?
Beckinsale.
No, it's a lady who isn't Kate Beckinsale because I believe she was married even to the director
of the first couple of films but then they're not married anymore.
She was consumed by werewolves, something like that.
Anyway, one of the most remarkable things about Underworld Rise of the Lycans, and in a way it was excusable because it's a film about people who are werewolves sometimes, was the level of grunting.
And you know, sometimes when you watch quite a poor film, you have to take pleasure in, you know, unusual places.
I just started to watch it purely for the grunting.
You're a big fan of grunting anyway.
I mean, you like it.
I love grunting.
Well, my dad used to love grunting during Wimbledon.
Right.
When we watched the tennis on telly, he'd come in and just love the grunting.
Yeah.
And he particularly followed tennis players who grunted well.
Sure.
And so I've always been a bit obsessed with it.
But there's a similar...
Well, listen, I've got Jimmy Connors.
Because you're an actor, Adam Buxton.
I am, yes.
Aren't you?
You've appeared in such films as Hot Fuzz, Stardust, and what else?
Son of Rambo.
So you're a professional actor.
Sure.
So I was going to test your grunting skills.
Oh.
Because it's an important weapon in the arsenal of any actor.
Of course, it's one of my big ones.
So let me just set this up by playing some of the best grunting from Underworld, Rise of the Lycans.
I won't go into what the plot was, but suffice to say, Prime Minister Tony Blair has been captured by the vampires.
And he's tied up and tortured and kept imprisoned a lot.
And he's brutally flagellated and insulted.
And his response mainly is to grunt.
All sorts of different grunts he does.
Here's a bit of really, really good grunting when he has some big metal darts pulled out of his arm during a battle.
Isn't this grunting?
That's a good bit of grunting.
That's exactly what I'd sound like when I get stuff pulled up in my arm.
I mean, that sounds real.
I mean, that's good acting, isn't it?
Because I bet you that is done.
The sound of the stars coming out is amazing as well.
All squishy.
And here's a sort of the most extended, a sort of a grunting opus from earlier in the film when Tony Blair is being flagellated a little similar to the way Jesus was in The Passion of the Christ with sort of a razor tipped whip or something.
In the Gibbons version.
Yeah, but this is from Underworld again.
So this is Tony Blair being flagellated and some extraordinary grunting going on from the flagellator and the
God!
I mean, that's more screaming to an extent, but it's still guttural animalistic noises.
Yeah.
So I was going to test your grunting there.
Do you think that was good grunting as an actor?
Yeah, man.
He's very good.
He's very good at grunting.
What's his real name?
Michael Sheen.
Yeah.
So can I hear you grunting, Adam, as if you're lifting a heavy metal grate?
OK, sure.
So this is a grunt of strain.
Yeah, grunting 101.
But you're being chased.
You're about to die.
You've got to escape.
I'm being chased.
Yeah.
It's dramatic.
All movies are very dramatic.
It's got to be dramatic.
You've got to heave up this massive metal grate to escape.
Go.
That's good, man.
That was very good.
Okay, how about you've been tied up and the villain is punching you in the face.
There's nothing you can do to get back at him.
He's insulting you and punching you.
You're frustrated.
Let's hear that grunt.
Hang on, that's very similar to the previous grunt.
We need a new one.
Come on, you're an actor.
Let's have a different sort of grunt.
You've been punched.
I don't know.
That sounds quite low level, that grunting.
It just sounds irritated.
You asked me to take it down.
Sorry, you're right.
I should be supportive as your director.
Yeah.
OK, how about this?
There's a scene in Underworld Rise of the Lycans where the pouty lady who isn't Kate Beckinsdale and Tony Blair.
Beckinsdale.
Is that what she's called?
Yeah, there's no D in there, I don't think.
Isn't there?
I've always put one in.
I've done it for 20 years.
I'm not changing that.
They're making love.
They're doing adult hugs alongside business, lie down tickling on the edge of a cliff.
And he's basically half over the cliff.
Literally his bottom is on the edge of the cliff and his entire back and head are in thin air.
Right.
And she's sitting on top of him on the edge of the cliff.
On his head?
No, no.
She's sitting where you would sit if you were making love.
Okay.
Do you get the picture?
Kind of.
They're on the edge of a cliff.
You've got to see the film now.
It's the more magazine position of the week.
Several couples in the Midlands have died trying to copy it.
But it's an extraordinary sex scene and they fade out the grunting and just have romantic music and close-ups of the edge of breasts and things.
But anyway, why am I even talking about this?
I've completely lost my... What kind of grunting do you want from me now?
That grunting.
Making love on the edge of a cliff is your new grunting command.
OK, go.
That's good, because that can be that sexy and yet perilous.
Exactly.
That's very good.
And finally, oh no, a couple more.
You're attempting to read a book?
That's good.
I thought there might be more strain.
No, that's the Lavi grunt.
That's the Brosnan.
That was my final grunt audition command, as if in trouble on the lav.
Oh, right.
This is not good radio, is it?
I mean, we deserve to have our silvers removed.
I think it's very good radio.
It just ends up with a brilliant Pierce Brosnan impression.
Oh, yeah.
That's him in volcano.
I do recommend underworld rise of the lichens though.
Yeah you do.
Only so that people you know waste their time to the same degree that I have and I feel a bit of safety in numbers.
Very good well done.
Week well spent.
Thanks mate.
Here's some music now.
This is the Rolling Stones and if you've heard of them they're old and this is a song called Let's Spend the Night Together.
That's the Rolling Stones with Let's Spend the Night Together from 1967.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.
I prefer Bowie's version of that one from Aladdin.
Do you prefer Bowie's version of pretty much anything?
I would say that's true.
I think I'd agree.
I wish I could meet and hang out and get friendly with David Bowie.
Well, you know, we've only ever had one guest on this program, which was Lord Roger Moore and caused us some problems.
It caused me some problems.
But I think if Bowie were to agree to come on this program, we would make our second exception to the no guest rule.
Don't you think?
Yeah.
And sometimes we have listeners like the Saltman or Ollie or Amber Gambler, you know, the DJ guy.
Yeah.
But in terms of famous people,
If Bowie wanted to come on this show, it would be a massive privilege for him.
He'd be very excited, wouldn't he?
He'd be so excited.
I mean, when his people hear this, it's going to be like electricity buzzing through Bowie Corp.
Mr. Bowie?
That's his alarm.
What was it?
We've just had word from the Adam and Jo radio show on BBC Six Music that they're prepared to have you on as a guest.
They haven't had a guest since Lord Roger Moore.
Lord Sir Roger Moore went on the Adam and Jo show on BBC Six Music.
He did.
It was a disaster.
But still, for Lord Moore, it was an extraordinary privilege.
Oh, hang on a second.
I think I heard about this.
Was this when Jo Cornish was unable to actually speak?
Yes.
To Lord Sir Roger because he was so overwhelmed.
It was brilliant.
It was very charming and human.
By his bondosity.
Yes, it was very sweet.
Not unprofessional at all.
Not pathetic, is what I heard.
No, not pathetically incapable, but very charming and human and sweet.
But they've said you can go on, Lord Bowie.
Well, I've got a very busy week coming up.
I'm doing a couple of installations and also recording a new album with Bubba Mile.
But I'd love to come in.
I'll clear my decks and bring in some jungle music.
Is that OK?
Yes, we'll call the studio, the producer James, and arrange it now.
Thank you a lot, Bowie.
It was.
It was, it was.
There we are.
That's what's going to happen.
Exactly what's going to happen.
So look forward to that, David Bowie, on the programme next week.
That's a lie.
That's not true.
It's a pathetic dream and it'll never happen in a million years.
It's a brilliant dream, but it wouldn't come on this show, would it?
If he was going on the BBC, he'd go on Jonathan or a proper programme.
Ricky Gervais.
No, he's got his one... But Gervais doesn't have a program on the BBC.
I know, but... I just said his name.
I just said his name.
But I think that's... With a despondent tone.
No, but he's got his comedy friend now.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, that's his ally.
Doesn't need to impress anyone else.
It's true.
Exactly.
It's true.
You know, once you've got Gervais in your locker, that's it.
Listen, coming up after this next record, some more of your revolting text donations, but this is a free play from 82.
This is Simple Minds with Promise You A Mirror.
A Simple Minds from 1982, and listen, I've got to correct some little mistakes I made.
Simon Martin has kindly mailed in to point out that Takashi Mika didn't, no one's going to care about this apart from me and Simon, but Takashi Mika didn't direct Midnight Meat Train.
It was Ruhei Kitamura who directed Versus.
It's a completely different kettle of fish.
I would say a lot of people would care about it.
No, but for Asian cinema fans, that's a terrible sleepy Saturday morning mistake.
For any kind of cinema fan.
And I think I even said it last week as well, on the podcast one.
Oh!
Idiot hole.
How am I going to hold my head up at nerd conventions?
I didn't say anything in the week, but my mum immediately was on the phone.
Was she?
Joe, did I hear right?
Did Joe just say that Takashi Miike directed Meat Train?
Ugh, what an idiot hole!
It's depressing, I'm sorry, I apologise to your mum.
Yeah.
Anyway, listen, it's time for some more Texanations.
Here's another extraordinary listener made Jingle, right?
Yes, this is from someone called Zav.
I don't know if it's not Zavi, is it?
Otherwise he'd be going out of business.
Shut up.
This is Zav's Jingle and it's a kind of a Stephen Hawking type Texanation effort.
What if I don't want to?
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Wow, it's frightening, isn't it?
It's both of those jingles we've used this morning, sort of portender future of kind of very crappy robots taking over.
Radiohead style technological alienation.
Wouldn't that be disappointing if instead of a sort of sexy Terminator style apocalyptic future, there was a sort of Steve Jobs, PC World sort of laptop style takeover and they all spoke like those automatic voices.
I think it would be exciting and fun.
It would be more dealable, wouldn't it?
Less frightening.
Well, at least you would know who was who.
The scary thing is when you can't tell who's human and who's a robot.
Well, that's not going to happen for a bit, is it?
Because the voices are still very synthesized.
Yeah.
Anyway, Text the Nation this week is about sort of disgusting personal habits that you have that you do almost subconsciously in company.
We were talking a little bit about we were just getting to the whole area of smelling things before.
Are you someone that smells your socks?
No.
One of the nice bits in A Fish Call Wonder is when John Cleese's character Archie Leach is sat on his bed and they're sort of illustrating the passionless marriage that he has.
And he sort of very robotically sits down on his bed, removes his socks and just gives them a little sniff before climbing into bed.
And it's something that I've done.
Have you never done that?
To see whether they need washing or not.
Is that the theory?
I might do that, yeah.
Or sniff the underarm of a used shirt to see whether you can get another day.
Get another day out of it.
Well, I always assume that it's going to need washing.
Sometimes I just like to have a little sniff out of curiosity.
Here's some stuff we've had from listeners.
Mimi says, I have a habit.
I have an habit.
Now that's the correct English, isn't it?
Because habit begins with H. I have an habit.
And discovered that we are a lot to do it.
I smell the sweat created by my watch on my wrist.
It's addictive when you start to smell it, it's difficult to get away from it.
This is something people used to do at school, didn't they?
Especially with leather watch straps, they can build up quite a stinky little sweater.
And I've never done that.
It's a nice stink, is it?
No, it's not.
It's unpleasant.
But you see, this is the thing.
You keep coming back for it.
It's like smelling your own airborne toxic events.
There's something fascinating about it.
Yeah, here's one from Erica.
I like, like, really truly enjoy when I'm alone trying not to swallow my spit and seeing how much I can keep in my mouth before I drool on myself.
Wow, I do remember that from when I was little.
Do you?
Yeah.
Erica, are you sure Erica isn't in some sort of an institution?
Like a big lake of spittle.
I do remember that.
The other one, of course, is after you've drunk some kind of chemically fizzy pop, your spit gets a certain consistency that enables you to do very long drools, which you can then retract into your mouth.
That's a slightly different thing.
Lovely.
Joe on her way to Cornwall, I think it's a her because it's a JO, says my husband, and she's got a husband, well, anyway, let's do it.
My husband was once given a keyring with his friend's long toenail on it, which he'd grown especially for it.
So he'd grown his toenail extra long and turned it into a keyring.
Toenail as well, that's grim.
Jim from Wrexham, I pick out the open inverted commas iGold.
close inverted commas and subconsciously mid conversation and eat it.
Oh, I've never heard of anyone actually eating.
No, that's peculiar.
I'd like to know what it tastes like.
Eye gold.
He's talking about sleep, some people call it, don't they?
Yeah, that builds up and you're right.
Eye gunk.
Here's an extraordinary one.
Eye gold.
This is anonymous, I think, for reasons that'll become obvious.
When he's watching TV, my step-dad likes to regurgitate bits of dinner into his mouth, not so subtly disguised as coughing.
He then chews on whatever treasures he's found and swallows it back down.
He thinks no-one's watching, but me and my sister know exactly what's going on.
He's probably pleased when we have to leave the room in disgust so he can carry on with more gusto.
That's pretty revolting.
That is a good one.
That was one amazing one.
Have you never done that?
Oh, everyone's done that, I think.
And you pick your teeth.
I mean, you're not going to spit it out, are you?
You just give it a little munch.
And you do pretend.
The thing is that you get busted every now and again, right?
Because everyone knows you finished your meal a while ago.
Suddenly, why is he chewing still?
Well, it's the idea of this guy coughing.
And then the little dramatic pause you'd leave.
Don't do it straight away, because that's too obvious.
You'd leave a little pause, and then
Then to the truth!
Sometimes it's quite welcome.
What, for the people around you?
No, for the person who is second to Bill.
Of course.
Second course.
It's tasty, yeah.
But listen, here's the most revolting one from John in Hounslow.
I used to have a disgusting habit, which I ceased upon quitting eating watsits.
While eating the delicious salty puffs, I would chew plenty at once, then grab a fresh watsit and spit out the chewed up mass of mash.
cheesy puff gunk into a sort of ball on the end, so it resembled a savoury lollipop.
Oh, sorry.
My computer just restarted in absolute revulsion.
Then I placed it back into the packet and let it solidify over a few minutes.
Then I would eat it again.
It had a different texture and tasted like a glorious treat I made up myself.
Sweet baby Christmas practice.
Observers were known to throw up.
That's amazing that's like a whole new manufacturing process I mean that is that's that's that's sort of going into animal kingdom behavior.
It really that's going on That's becoming subhuman mother nature has not gotten anything like that, and it's amazing locker It's coming in the text number is 6 4 0 4 6 will revisit that in in you know 15 or 20 minutes or so and the email is Adam and Joe as if that's an attractive proposition don't excited about
Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
Right now here's the Animal Collective with Summertime Clothes.
It's very offensive.
Yeah how rude.
How very rude.
How rude.
I'm beginning to look a bit like Morrissey.
Do you think?
That's not a particularly self-effacing thing to say, is it?
He's quite a handsome man.
No, he is handsome.
I know that self-aggrandizing in a way.
People are obsessed with him.
I'd be lucky if I looked as good as Maurice.
But in that stage he's got to now where he's widening in a nice way.
He looks good wider.
Yeah, everyone looks good wider.
Yeah, you reckon?
Right?
Okay, it's time for another kind of a feature.
We've turned this into a sort of a feature.
We started out as a text donation.
I can't remember how it started out, but anyway, it's turned into a sort of feature because people keep sending in their ideas for songs, pop songs they customize in order to fit in with various things they might be doing.
We call this pop-propriation.
Yeah, sort of to soundtrack mundane tasks, you customise a popular lyric.
I've done a little jingle for it, even.
Uh-oh.
This might be one of these jingles that gets played once and never again, because it's a little bit weird.
Do you want to hear it?
Yes, I do.
Here it is.
I like to change the lyrics of songs from time to time.
Lock the taskbar to make them refer to things I do.
I call it population and as far as I'm aware it isn't a crime I wonder if it's something you do too
It's a little groove I put together.
Now, have you got a new jam back there?
I did that from scratch.
Did you?
I created the whole thing.
I created the beat.
Where's that synth sound coming from?
I plugged it in.
What do you mean?
I plugged in a keyboard.
Oh, that's actually from a keyboard.
That's a nice sound.
I've got to get my hands on some of those squidgy synth sounds.
That's in your basic garage band.
Is it?
I think so.
found it surely it's an interesting conversation though isn't it people ask us people email us from time to time and say I saw one of your jingles that the music from one of your jingles being used on another program they've nicked it off you that's because they're all copyright free widely available loops that all lazy broadcasters
From time to time, like for that jingle that we just played, they're constructed from scratch but that's fairly rare.
Usually we just get loops and stuff that are freely available to everyone in GarageBand and sing over them.
That's good though man, that sounds good.
Thanks man.
And it introduces the premise brilliantly so everyone will understand where we're at.
Do you want to kick off with one then?
Yes, so let's see.
Here is one that came in from... I was feeling there.
It's good, man.
This is from Grant.
I love that song.
Dear Adam and Jo, just thought I'd drop you a note to let you know of another example of songs mutated into mundane activities in the same way as locking the taskbar, which a lot of people emailed us about.
Lock the taskbar.
Every month I have to endure the mindless tedium of completing my expenses claim, part of which is the need to supply my lovely colleagues in finance, with all types of fuel receipts detailing whether or not my company can claim back on the VAT.
The tediousness of this chore is lightened considerably by the singing of, to the tune of This is Not America by David Bowie, This is not of that receipt.
No!
This is not.
La, la, la, la, la, la.
Little piece of receipt.
Little piece of bill has gone.
Oh, I love that song.
I'll try that next week.
He says, knowing your love of David Bowie, I thought this might amuse.
Thanks for the show, he says.
Thanks, Grant.
Thanks for listening, Grant.
This is one from Marc Loege.
L-O-G-U-E.
Loege.
Logue.
Here's one from Marc Logue.
A director friend of mine used to sit in with me while editing videos, singing, All you ever do is digitize.
To the tune of All You Ever Do is criticized by Alexander O'Neill.
That's a good one.
That is a good one.
All you ever... Matt Botty.
Matt Botty.
That's a good name, isn't it?
Yeah, not shiny Botty.
No, Matt.
He's got a special spray to take the shine off.
Matt Botty.
How's Botty?
Botty?
Bot it's spelled.
Botty.
B-O-T-T-Y.
It's the proper Botty.
Matt Botty says, hi Adam, hi Joe.
I've just realised I have a tasty song that I sing when eating hummus.
Poor Matt Botty.
Sorry to put you through that.
He must have been gone through that all his whole life.
Well, of course.
Here's another couple of idiots doing it.
Come on bottoms, body face, body man.
Obviously he's going to get that, otherwise he'd change his name.
He's happy to be a body.
Do you think?
I hope so.
Anyway, hummus.
Hummus, right?
When he's eating hummus, he sings, hummus, hummus, moonlight sleeping on the midnight lake.
What's that?
David, whose email address refers to him as The Rock 2606, says, dear Adam and Jo, when putting my socks on, I often find myself singing, put your socks on, put your socks on, baby.
Yeah.
To the tune of Rocks by Primal Scream.
That's a useful one.
And people do that with their crocs as well.
I've had a lot of parents.
That's true.
We may have even read that out in the past.
Yeah.
When parents are helping the children on with their crocs, especially in the summertime.
Get your crocs on, get your crocs on, honey.
Here's an insanely obscure one, right?
This just made me chuckle because it was like there's no way in the world anyone could relate to this.
This is from Gerard in Worcestershire.
He says, I'm currently reading the book Liberty and Tyranny by Mark R. Levin.
And whenever I pick it up, I sing, Liberty always remained a priority, lest we forget about tyranny.
I'm just making that tune up because he says it's the tune of Homesick by Floridian popish punk band Inspection 12.
As if anyone would know, except for the members of Inspection 12 and Gerard himself, what the tune was of that.
That's good though, it's good to get that kind of thing out there.
Liberty always remained a priority, lest we forget about tyranny!
We're providing an important service to that listener, what's his name?
Gerard.
Yeah, and a sort of a disservice to everybody else.
So there you go.
Have you got any more there?
Not really.
There's another one here, but I think these are at their best when they appropriate popular rock songs, not Disney songs.
Oh, come on.
Let's have it.
This is from Richard Phippen.
When in a good mood and really chuffed to be at home after a long commute.
And I mean that.
I don't sing this unless I'm in a great mood.
I like to sing to the tune of Snow White's Hi Ho.
I'm home.
I'm changing into comfy clothes.
I'm home.
I'm home, I'm home, I'm home.
I'm home.
That's very nice.
That's nice.
I can do that myself now.
When I get home today, I'm gonna sing that.
He works for Beast Guy B.
Oh yeah, do they even exist still?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh yeah, good.
They do.
What a relief.
Thanks very much for those, and you know, we'd love more if you have them.
Keep them coming in.
It's going to be a sort of bi-weekly regular feature.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kind of thing, so do send more if you'd like to.
The email address is adamandjoe.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk, and that's the number six, not the word six.
Ugh, why would you think it was the word six?
It's a little bit of Jamie T, right?
This is Sticks on Stogs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that was Jamie T with a record that he'd done.
Sticks and Stones, that was called.
Well done.
Jumping in there, that's out June the 29th and his debut album Panic Prevention was shortlisted as one of the 12 nominees for the Mercury Music Prize in 2007.
I just got a text from the comedian Tony Law.
Did you?
And he says, to the tune of the Soviet anthem, when changing nappies, I sing to my son, changing your diaper, changing your diaper.
How does the Soviet anthem... I've no idea.
I know we were too ignorant to know that, Tony, and on and on.
Tony from Islington, thanks for that.
So listen, some of you might know that we have a podcast of this show that kind of highlights highlights.
Is that the right way to describe them?
The sort of moments that sustain to any reasonable degree, and they're all stitched together and available on iTunes and via the BBC website and all sorts of different sources on a Monday evening at about five.
And we have a thing we do at the beginning of the podcast where we sing a famous song using our names as the lyrics.
It gets crazy and brilliant.
And, you know, it sort of came out of the fact that we were just stuck for ways to say hello and things got stupider and stupid.
We started making stupid noises and shouting and then it turned into singing and now people suggest different songs that we can customize.
It's awful and we're embarrassed about it, but it happens.
And somebody sent in, have you got the details of the chap, fellow?
Oh, have I got them?
Oh, yeah, here we go.
A fellow called Tom Walker sent us in his own version of this sort of song sung with our names in it.
This is going to sound very self-indulgent out of the context of the podcast.
Well, we should give them an example, like if you've never heard the podcast before, we did to the tune of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
Ugly?
Ugly.
That kind of thing.
This guy that listens to the podcast, Tom Walker, has sent in his own version of it and why don't we not tell listeners what tune he's singing and see if anyone can actually tell.
Do you think he's singing a famous tune, or in his world it's famous,
And in mine as well, I have to say.
Do you reckon anyone could actually guess this one?
Well, that's what I'm saying.
That we shouldn't tell them what tune he's singing.
See if anyone can guess it.
His name is Tom Walker.
And yeah, so he's replaced the... In fact, this is a piece of music without lyrics.
So he's just singing the tune and using the words Adam and Joe to, you know, as kind of fill-in words.
But here it is.
Do you know what tune he's singing here, listeners?
Adam Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo
Adam Jo Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo Adam Jo
Are we going to tell people what it is?
No, I don't think you should.
I think you should wait to see if anyone gets it.
OK, let's play a record.
And this is not a competition because they're evil and illegal in the castle.
And there's no prizes available.
This is just for fun.
Just have a fun guess.
And what fun it is.
I think a lot of people are going to know what that is immediately.
But you were quite baffled by it, weren't you, Buckles?
I knew what it was.
I mean, you know, he told me what the tune was before I started listening to it.
But you couldn't detect that tune in those noises.
Made no sense to me.
Well, here's a bit of music to tide us over.
This is a free choice and this is a band called the Apples in Stereo with a summary tune called Stream Running Over.
Enjoy!
That's the apples in stereo with stream running over.
Thanks to everybody who's texted us in response to the non guessing game competition quiz type thing we just did.
It was of course the theme to Super Mario.
We got about 25 texts with the correct answer.
Only one wrong answer from Stefan Wolverhampton who says it's play days.
It's the play bus theme.
OK, it's just gone 11 30.
It's time now for the news.
Nice to hear the smiley, hairy voice of Damon Gough there.
Badly drawn boy with you were right.
A friend of mine has a good inverted name for Susan Boyle that maybe everyone's thought of but just reversing the first letter so she's called Boozen Soil.
Aww.
She sort of does look a bit like she's made of booze and soil.
Yeah.
Is that rude?
Well, it technically is rude.
It is technically rude, isn't it?
It wouldn't take it to her face, would you?
No, I wouldn't.
That's the definition of rude.
That is the definition of rude.
Maybe I would set her face.
There's been a sort of a... Sorry.
Well, I was going to say I've missed out on all the BGT action this week because I've been rehearsing for this show I'm doing and my TV doesn't work in the house I'm staying in.
So I haven't been able to see anything.
There's been a sort of a war in the cornballs household because I hate sport.
I don't hate it, but I dislike it.
Yeah, you're bored by it.
Yeah.
And my girlfriend loves it.
She loves the footy.
It's weird.
It's a weird sort of gender reversal that would confuse advertisers.
And so I've been very much supporting Britain's Got Talent and you know the sport of stupid showbiz.
Yeah.
And of course there were big finals last weekend.
There was the big football final.
Get emotional just thinking about it.
The footy cup, the king of the ball.
What was it?
Barcelona versus Manu for the King of Coventry.
What was it?
Madrid, Real.
European Cup.
There you go.
You don't know either, do you, Adam?
It's not just me.
Germany versus Switzerland.
Anyway, but that was and that was on Wednesday, right?
They had to stop the Britain's Got Talent Live finals to let this football match happen.
So it was a real war of showbiz versus footy biz.
The final countdown.
Football lost.
It was tunal.
It was a hugely disappointing game, right?
No, it wasn't.
It was hugely disappointing.
My girlfriend was asleep after about 20 minutes.
Did she actually say the words?
It was an anticlimax.
This is hugely disappointing.
Man, you played really badly.
Messi did some good work.
Did he score the goals?
Well, he scored one of the goals.
Look, I'm talking about football.
Very impressive, Joe.
Well, I sat there and watched some of it with her to get up to speed.
I was, you know, because I forced her to watch Britain's Got Talent.
Yeah.
Anyway, I felt that that BGT won.
because it was a spectacular week.
It could be said that there's too much Britain's Got Talent, that they're spreading it very thinly.
It's been on every night.
What time does it go out?
Every night, it's non-stop.
It starts at 8.30 and doesn't finish till 10.
And then there's the after show from 10 till 11.
So 8.30, 9.30, 10.30, that's two and a half hours.
Two and a half hours of solid BGT every night.
Every single night.
Oh, wow.
Delicious.
Anyway, some spectacular things happened last night.
You've heard about this emotional breakdown that happened.
All I heard was that Susan Boyle lost her rag earlier in the week.
That was off-camera.
That wasn't on the actual show.
The first thing I thought was that I bet they're goading her, you know what I mean?
Just to get a story out of her.
It seems the programme's got so big.
It's getting, what, 15 million viewers?
I mean, it's getting an enormous... It's uniting the country in a way that no TV show has for a while.
Well, but in a way that's overwhelming the performers.
Right.
The performers can't handle it.
You know, it started out as a little sort of local audition, and suddenly within a month or two, they're in front of 15 million people.
Can't believe Stavros Flatley's still on there.
I mean, it's pretty much... Oh, they're brilliant.
I'm not saying they're rubbish, but the best of all the people they saw.
Yes, they are.
What I like about that programme is it could be the turn of the century, or it could even be 200 years ago.
It could be Dickensian.
You know, what's her name?
The Lady in the Middle?
Gloria Honeyford?
Amanda Holden.
Oh, Holden, right.
She's like the most popular brassy street lady.
Do you know what I mean?
Fanny Crockett.
I've tried to put that politely.
But she's like, ooh, Fanny Crockett.
Grinevere Tuppence.
Exactly.
Grinevere Tuppence.
Simon Cowell is like sort of Judge, you know, Judge Fustles or something, or some Dickensian judge character.
And then what's his name?
Piers Morgan is like the sort of the big businessman.
He's like Mr. Bumble from the workhouse.
Mr. Bumble, exactly.
And then, because you could easily spot Samuel Peeps in the audience of Britain's Got Talent and the Quill Pen.
Waving his wig.
Taking notes.
I think exact, in music halls up and down the country 200 years ago, there were big fat Greek men doing line dancing.
Whinevere is the wrong name for Holden.
Sally Tuppence.
Come along, Sally Tappans.
Will you judge the little orphans in there?
Oh, my skirts are all in a tither.
Exactly.
It's so Victorian, and it has a timeless quality that I think unites the country.
The end, goodbye.
But it's all the... As far as I can tell, it's all the acts from the very first show have made it through to the final.
Yeah, you think.
It's top-heavy.
All the talent was at the top.
Yeah, all the talent was right there at the desk.
There's some hopeless cases have got through, to be honest.
Some really, the singing lady and the flowers.
What about the sexy man and the saxophone?
Did he make it through?
Sexy saxophone.
He did make it through.
He's so humble.
That's his key thing.
Humility.
That's the way we're going to win next year.
Because we're going to enter next year.
It's going to be a big thing.
We're going to talk about it on the program.
We're going to audition.
What's your talent?
my talent groaning is it grunting grunting and groaning grunting to order groaning i'm thinking of doing uh singing and magic are you combined i've got some magic skills you're good at both i could do some singing and some magic i've got a single and maybe get my cat in there performing somehow the heck would i do
I think if you combine an animal act with singing and magic, I mean that'll blow their socks off.
I could regurgitate some steak.
You could be like the regurgitates.
Chew it very subtly.
There's lots of things you could do.
You could act.
I could do a little act.
You could do a scene from a film.
I could do Jack Nicholson's speech from... A Few Good Men.
A Few Good Men, yes.
that's sure to win yeah anyway i'm very much looking forward to the big final tonight you're going to be watching oh definitely absolutely yeah back home with the family to your kids and wife watch they don't get back from france until late tonight so i'm gonna don't i'm gonna tape it and we'll watch it tomorrow oh that's brilliant yeah well it's gonna be very exciting absolutely can't wait who do you want to win though
Oh, do I want to win?
I would like the Dance Act to win the Flawless.
No, the Flawless.
Not the Flannies.
Yeah, represent in South London.
Yeah, the Dance Act are pretty good.
You can't argue with that kind of talent, can you?
Anyway, best of luck to all the performers.
Here's some music now.
It's turned us just into dribbling an ironic sort of commercial radio goons.
Best of luck to everyone taking part.
in the big final tonight.
That's my fault, I'm sorry.
Thumbs up from Six Music.
I just unironically really love it.
It's a good show, come on.
I cry.
Do you really?
That's too much.
Oh my God.
What made you cry?
The saxophone man, they took him to visit to meet Kenny G on ITV2.
Literally I was so embarrassed.
I was crying because a man had met Kenny G.
It was the lowest point, I think, of my life so far.
You know, close personal friends pass away and it's nothing but the sax man.
Meet Kenny G. You're in a puddle.
He gave him a signed saxophone.
Come on.
That is amazing.
That sounds amazing.
Listen, this is your free choice.
Oh God, what is it?
Gruffrice.
Yeah, this is from Candy Lion, his album from just about this time last year.
This is Cycle of Violence.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
Candy Lion came out a year ago.
What a load of rubbish.
8th January 2007.
What a load of rubbish.
I mean, this show's just been a tissue of inaccuracies on my part.
We like to get things wrong on this programme.
I've just got thing after thing wrong.
Do you even pronounce his name Griff, I think, as well?
Probably.
Not Gruss, just rubbish.
Just rubbish.
Awful.
Anyway, onto something that's brilliant.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
This is text the nation.
It's all about revolting personal habits that you have that you're sort of unashamed to do in public or do unconsciously in public.
Yeah, you're unaware of doing them.
For instance, Michael in West Dulwich says, hello, Adam and Joe.
I would catch my dad every so often, clearing his ear out with his car key.
He would then smell it.
He thinks this behavior is fine.
It's a funny thing, isn't it?
The whole smelling thing.
Why humans feel the need to smell themselves and parts of their body and stuff like that.
I suppose what you're regulating yourself, you're just checking the animal kingdom
smells are very important, pheromones and there's lots of messages and information, important life or death information is communicated via smells.
It's probably some sort of residual, you know, that kind of thing.
Ear smells can be quite fascinating sometimes.
If you've been swimming and your ear canal gets a bit damp, it can smell very much like a dog for days afterwards.
How are you smelling it there though?
That's popping my finger.
Popping the finger and then sniffing the finger.
Very little sniffle.
Here's one from David Nottingham.
At work I use a propelling pencil to clean the gunk from my nails.
It's left on my desk and often used by people who are disgusted when, rather than lead, nail gunk is propelled out the pencil when they try and write.
I also use a scalpel blade to neaten up my cuticles.
Scalpel blades can be fun and I've gone too far with scalpel blades before, sometimes taking the hard skin off the bottom of your foot and stuff like that.
Oh, I thought you were going to talk about the killings.
Here's one from Tom Lonsdale.
My wife has a fascination for peeling skin after sunburn.
Her own will do if nothing better is available, but her preference is for another person, usually me or one of the kids.
She will not rest until every last piece of loose skin is peeled off and held up to the light to study the texture.
It's transparent and all the little pores show up as the light shines through.
The bigger the piece, the better.
Really big sheets, prompting gasps of pleasure.
Thanks for the show introduced to us by the kids.
That sounds like Hannibal Lecter-ish behaviour, doesn't it?
Well, not only is it Hannibal Lecter-ish, but you're staying too long in the sun there and you're not applying enough... Exactly, that's breaking free.
rules.
Because that's one from the 70s.
I used to get too much sun in the 70s and you would have fun when you got back after holidays peeling things off, but you don't do that now.
But that's old school behaviour.
No, that's dangerous.
That's dangerous, man.
You've got to put all the skin cream on and do not get yourself so burned that you peel.
Wow.
You lunatic.
Another one from Tim Cole.
Hmm, I haven't actually read this one through.
That's dangerous with this subject.
It's too dangerous, yes.
So let's just leave it there.
Oh no, here's a good one.
Good morning, Adam and Jo.
I must admit to the nasty habit of using my business cards as toothpicks.
They're just the right width to slide between my teeth and dislodge any post-lunch gunk.
I have knowingly given used cards with unsightly stains on a corner to people that have given me a hard time over various work-related issues, as it gives me a vague feeling of empowerment and superiority from Clive Jordan that comes.
So keep those coming in.
There's a section of our podcast, an irregular section called Retro Text the Nation, where we read out texts that have been sent in after the live show on the subject of Text the Nation.
The email address is adamandjo.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.
And it has to be email, not text during the week, obviously.
We won't be able to read the texts, but we would be delighted to read more of your revolting emails.
Here's Basement Jacks with Raindrops.
basement jacks riding the autotune wave there to great effect that's raindrops this is pretty much the end of the end of the show for this week listeners thanks to everyone who's listened particularly if you've listened from the very beginning that will be an extraordinary three hour undertaking and we are very grateful and don't forget there's a highlights podcast available on monday evening or you can listen again at any time via the bbc website
And we should apologize to anybody who was expecting a one-hour interview with Blaze and Squad or Fashion Tips or a makeover as promised at the beginning of the show.
They didn't turn up.
The fashion expert didn't turn up.
The makeover guy didn't turn up.
Blaze and Squad didn't turn up.
So we just had to improvise.
Sorry about that.
It's not really safeguarding trust, is it?
No.
And apologies as well if you are one of the people that emailed us and didn't have your email read out.
You know, we agonize about the fact that we can't read all your emails out, but we really do appreciate all the texts and messages that we receive throughout the show and we read every single one of them.
So do keep them coming in throughout the week as well, because you never know, we might be able to respond to them in the following week's podcast and all that.
Yeah, does that make sense?
Yes.
What kind of weekend have you got coming up, Cornwall?
Awesome, awesome weekend, lots of activities, parties, barbecues, a lot of people fighting to come round and visit me, lots of invitations, a lot going on.
Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.
Stay tuned for Liz Gershore, we'll be back with you at the same time next week.
I'm doing nothing too.
Here's Divine Comedy with National Express.
Bye!