Black Squadron!
Always catch the beginning of the show Black Squadron don't wanna miss a thing That's not the one Black Squadron roll
Went to bed at a reasonable hour, Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning, That's the secret of the squirt brings back
Good morning Black Squadron, you are the elite listening force that tune into the Adam and Jo programme live every Saturday morning from 9am until 9.30pm when you're allowed to relax and stand down.
Yeah, we've got a command for you this morning so stand by for that.
The command we're going to issue you, you just have to obey for the duration of the following record.
Someone told me this week, we got an email, in fact, that said, Richard Bacon, the famous DJ and voiceover artist for Most Annoying Programs on BBC3, I'm not saying like Annoying Programs, I'm just saying the series of programs called Most Annoying Pop Stars, blah, blah, blah.
He was complaining that we ripped this off the idea of Black Squadron.
We ripped it off his show because he's got a secret half hour or something in his program.
I read that as well, but I wasn't going to mention it.
I wasn't going to rise to it.
Were you not?
Yeah, because I think that's a sign of success when other DJs start saying stuff like that.
Yeah.
You know, it's like people accusing Dan Brown of ripping off the Tevinci Code.
He wrote the BBC code.
Yeah, but ripping it off someone else's book.
Oh, I see, I see.
Anything that goes well, someone else is going to claim they thought of it.
Yeah, that's right.
Mr Bacon, sir, I would warrant that that idea was thought of in 1804 by two... Now you're fronting.
Well, how do you mean?
No, I'm just saying that it's been thought of lots of times before.
But that's fronting.
And the way you said that, the bacon sir.
Yeah, well in that case I am fronting.
You squared right up to him.
I'm being, what's the word?
I'm being subservient by saying Mr. Bacon.
I'm tugging my forelock.
Yeah, but you puffed at your chest and you fronted right up to him.
It was like a very, very provocative Mr. Bacon sir.
A throw down.
I'll put it to you Mr. Bacon sir.
I think Bacon can probably make breakfast with us, so to speak.
Yeah.
Don't you think?
Certainly he can.
I mean, I'm flattered that he's aware of Black Squadron.
That's true, you see.
Because they're an elite fighting and listening force.
Maybe the big Black Squadron operation will take place around Mr. Bacon's show to bring it down.
Really?
Yeah, to bring him off air.
Wow, that seems like you're going a lot too far there.
You're right.
I started out trying to just placate the thing and now I've...
I've exacerbated it.
Yeah, that's right.
Anyway, you know, no disrespect, Mr Bacon, but I wasn't aware of your secret half-hour in there, so sorry, there's no crossover.
Everyone can have a secret half-hour, right?
The thing about ours is that we've got a special name for it, and that name is Black Squadron, and they have a special command, I bet he doesn't have special commands on his secret half-hour.
So what's the command for our special secret squadron?
Stand by Black Squadron, your command this morning is...
Freeze!
That would have been tough as well, because you would have wanted to have been grooving.
Was that correct, Grammar?
It's a big challenge.
You would have wanted to have been grooving throughout the length of Bat for Lashes there, grooving around to her Kate Bush style fun fest there.
Yeah.
And don't forget that skill of staying very still is added into your kit bag, the Black Squadron Kit Bag, together with the ability to carry an egg in your mouth without smashing it, having an easily accessible slice of bread, the ability to conceal yourself, suddenly camouflage yourself.
Sure, the talent for writing Black Squadron across your face.
All those highly honed skills go into your kit bag ready for the big operation.
Yeah.
Now, we should also say we still get messages from people saying they're confused as to which one is Adam and which one is Joe.
Do we get panned on the live show as well?
Adam is on the left, right?
It's the same way that we appear on photographs.
It's the same way we vote.
Adam's on the left.
Joe's on the far right.
Kyle, Joe!
So that's how you recognize us.
Okay.
Now we have a feature in our podcast, which is called retro text donation, which is a place where people can send in their messages throughout the week on the previous week's text donation subject.
Right?
Yeah.
So later on this show, we're going to have text donation.
We haven't, we won't unveil the subject just yet.
We haven't decided on it is what I was going to say.
Nothing under the veil.
We'll put something under the veil later.
We'll find something to stuff under the veil for later's text the nation subject.
Later's text the nation subject.
That's how kids speak, that's good man.
People understand you now.
But in our podcast we've got retro text the nation and last week it was about disgusting personal habits and there was an avalanche of communications.
So many that we won't be able to, you know, we'll only be able to fit a fraction into the podcast.
So I was going to by way of a tease
for a feature and for the podcast itself, which you should really download if you've never done so.
It's free, it comes out on a Monday evening.
Here's a couple of messages we got.
A little sneeze, that was exciting.
Ah, that was really good.
Was that enjoyable?
Yeah, that's given me some pep.
You really contained that one as well.
Well, I thought I was going to do a big build-up, but then it happened prematurely, a premature sneezulation.
It's just wonderful, isn't it?
Sneezed all over the shop.
No one expected it.
And you didn't, nothing came out as well, which was nice.
Yeah, that was good.
That's respectful.
He'll want to spread the swine flu any more than it already is.
Here's a message from Darren Hawley.
He said, and this is a cautionary tale for anyone who plays around in their ears, because we got a lot of messages from people doing disgusting things in their ear area, in their earia.
Hi chaps, I heard you talk about people cleaning their ears with car keys.
Well, throughout Asia there's a common practice of ear wax excavation using specially designed wooden implements.
Many have cute anime characters on the blunt end.
Mine, supplied to me by my Japanese wife, has a penguin.
A few years ago I was getting a bit carried away with the dig and was horrified to find blood dripping from my ear.
At the hospital, A&E, I showed the doctor the waxy penguin that I'd done it with.
He took one look at the tool, shook his head and muttered, horrific.
Anyway, I never fully recovered from this incident and I developed benign positional vertigo, which is still with me five years later.
Initially, I was permanently giddy.
Nowadays, it's better.
just limited to me getting rollercoaster dizzy when I tilt my head forwards for more than a few minutes.
A problem when taking long train journeys as I always fall asleep and nearly fall off the seat.
The lesson is, no matter how tempting, don't stick anything larger than your elbow in your ear!
Your mother always told you that's from Darren Hawley I mean that's very important because in the past I used to have a good dig around with a little cotton bud there hmm It's fun.
You know you shouldn't do you should be really I mean this is a serious point well It is very serious as we've seen from you really shouldn't stuff things in the old years Definitely not nothing in there no matter how tempting it seems because sometimes you can it's very tempting I personally have got a bit of a wax blockage and go.
What do you do about it?
Then you get it?
Well my lady has identified it yeah
by shining a torch down there and I'm gonna have to put some of that stuff in it that those drops in it you just have to be patient be patient put the drops in regularly soften it liquidize it let it let it come out of its own accord no way should you forage for it no
By the way, you read that very well.
Thanks very much.
I think James and I were both a little nervous when you started reading it.
Because often when you read... A long message.
Text the nations in the record after the live broadcast, you have some slippy do's.
Don't you?
Some slippy whoopsies.
And James has to do the katiwatties.
piece it together.
So both James and I were shooting little looks at each other as you launched into that.
What's he doing?
But you did very well.
Thanks.
You got all the way through dyslexia boy.
That was one of the most patronising and offensive speeches I've ever heard.
Thanks a lot.
I'm going to sell the film of you reading that to working titles as I sort of can do my left foot style.
My guest on Oprah today is a plucky young man who managed to read
So what an achievement.
That's exciting, isn't it?
Yeah.
Here's a free play for you listeners.
This is some late period Bowie.
And this is, I mean, I thought it was all over for Bowie until the album Reality came out a few years back and there was this lovely song contained therein.
It's got some fairly cheesy production on it.
What?
I don't want to be offensive to anyone involved by saying that, but the fact remains it is a little bit on the cheesy side, some of the plonky synth sounds.
But what a lovely song.
This is David Bowie with Days.
There's a little bit of empire of the sun for you there, listeners, with We Are The People.
They're Australian, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, there you go.
So hence the brilliant accent.
Yeah, that was very good.
Listen, we were talking before that about Mr Bowie, and I think we were talking last week about how excited we'd be to interview him or speak to him.
It's been a sort of goal of ours since we started our sort of half-baked media career.
It's a lifelong mission.
Now, when I was 14 and holidaying in Austria or Switzerland, I can't remember exactly where he lives, isn't it?
Right, a little village called Veve or something, near Lake Geneva.
So where would that be?
Yeah, that is around there, that's around that area, around that part of the world.
Anyway, me and my sister went to try and find him because he used to have the house next to Charlie Chaplin's widow, Una.
Yeah.
Is she called Una, Chaplin?
I don't know.
Stop asking me for facts.
There's Bowie facts.
Anyway, we, you know, we did the whole fan thing.
We were trying, we were like trying to search around and hang around his house and maybe get a glimpse of the man.
He wasn't even there, I don't think.
I'm not even sure if he still has that house.
But we were certainly very stalkerish.
What have you written on that piece of paper?
Find out where Lake Geneva is.
Oh, to make us look better.
Yeah.
So you thought you were going to step in there and go, oh, I just remembered it was... I didn't think.
I knew.
That was your plan.
That was my plan.
Anyway, so the fact is, listeners, that we are Bowie obsessives, you know.
I mean, pretty high level Bowie obsessives, I would say.
It means a great deal to us.
And... Switzerland.
Switzerland.
See, I was right the first time.
So was I. Austria.
We've just got some self-doubt, which is what makes us so human.
We know these things, but we just have that, you know, doubt.
Only an absolute idiot-hole-stroke-fun-face would think it was in Switzerland.
Anyway, so we got an email, though, an exciting email the other day from a Bowie insider.
Yeah, we think it could be Kogel.
Kogel from Labyrinth.
It says, it's because James, our producer, got in touch with Kogel to see whether we could get access to Mr Bowie.
And Kogel sent the following email, David Bowie is definitely a fan of the pair of them.
In fact, they might not know this, but they came within a whisker of interviewing the man himself at Glastonbury in 2000, where we did the coverage for BBC.
3 or was it still called BBC Choice?
BBC Choice as it was then yeah and Bowie was headlining that year of course Long story short David decided he wanted to do an interview right at the last minute before going on stage he was given the choice of Adam and Joe or Joe Wiley and he chose Adam and Joe but then he decided not to do the interview at all Shame
Anyway, Kogel says, I would love to get David to discuss the various merits of Stephen.
But sad to say he hasn't done any interviews for the past five years, so it's unlikely.
That's true, isn't it?
He's been out of the spotlight.
He's based in New York.
He's an elusive hobgoblin.
He really is.
But he must do interviews when he puts an album out, mustn't he?
He must do promotion.
If anyone in the world doesn't need to, I would say it was Bowie.
Plus he lives on the internet, he loves the internet.
What would we, I mean it would be an easy interview for him because we'd both just pass out and be sick.
There wouldn't be any actual questions, would there?
It would be an awful interview.
Can you imagine how awful it would be for him to be interviewed by us?
How humiliating and tedious.
I mean how many questions about labyrinth can one man answer in the 10 minutes we'd be given him with him?
It would be dreadful if he's got any sense at all he's going to keep us at arm's length.
When you threw the baby in the air where you frightened you would not catch it properly or you fall down?
Did you artificially stuff your packet to make it look larger or is that your real packet in the tights?
Those are the questions you see.
Those are the two tentpole questions.
Why do you not sing Dance Baby Dance at your concert so much?
Turn baby turn.
I've got blank.
You see that's what would happen.
I've frozen up.
Three questions that would be it.
Cornish goes blank.
Three questions about lab.
Buxton tries to steal something.
and punch him to get away.
So he'd sneak out of his apartment trying to kiss him on.
Security!
Waz, waz, waz.
Get the guards up here immediately.
I don't know how these two girls go.
Wap, wap, wap.
No, it's confusing.
They all make the same noise.
Do they?
He gets appliances.
They all go waz up.
was, oh, I think the dinner's ready.
Now that's the doorbell, sir.
Oh, was, is that the phone?
Was, is that security?
Never gonna happen now.
Was, was, is that the bathtub now?
Oh, I don't know what's going on in here.
Kogel's probably listening and now he's struck us off the list.
Bacon's gonna get there before we do.
Oh, the humiliation.
Absolute abject humiliation.
You know what we've done now?
What?
We've rambled so much that we've not got time to play a whole song before the news.
There's a minute and a half.
Oh, God.
What a 30.
Let's just push the news back.
Can't we push the news back?
Let's have some grizzly bear.
This is two weeks.
Stand down.
Your work is done.
You've earned yourself a nice warm bath.
And maybe a nice little bun.
She's like someone's filthy auntie, isn't she?
Sexy auntie?
Yeah, but sexy stroke filthy.
Yeah.
She is, is she?
I'm not saying dirty.
I'm not saying she hasn't washed.
I'm sure she's very hygienic.
Yeah.
But I should stop talking about it, shouldn't I?
I think you should carry on, but maybe later.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Sorry about the weather.
I mean, we really tried.
Very hard to do something about it.
It's going to be okay though.
It's a cosy weekend.
No, it's not a cosy weekend.
It's a weekend.
What I mean is it's a weekend for wrapping up warm inside.
Staying in.
Yeah, playing board games.
All those things you've saved for a rainy day.
Yeah.
You can do those this weekend.
It's going to be lovely.
Listen, it's Text the Nation time in a second, listeners, but I'd like to read you an email we got from a gentleman called Barney Bristow concerning last week's Text the Nation.
Barney Bristow!
Dear Adam and Jo, I absolutely love your show and podcast.
I look forward to listening to them every week.
I've never felt the urge to write until now.
Suffice to say that the disgusting habit text the nation subject this week is really scraping the bottom of the barrel.
He means last week, of course, big time.
Not funny, generally pretty disgusting, and just juvenile.
Sorry, but that's what I think.
If you're struggling for ideas, why not go back to asking listeners for subjects?
Do I have any?
No, don't ask me.
What I do know, brackets, why not have a break from the whole featured for a few weeks?
Well, some new ideas are gathered.
Just a thought.
Just a minor criticism of an otherwise great show that brackets generally never fails to make me laugh.
Thanks and best wishes, Barney Bristow.
So he's being very, he's sort of stroking with the left hand and then slapping with the right one.
I thought he was pretty much punching with both.
Really?
I like the way that every time he does a compliment such as just a minor criticism of an otherwise great show that brackets generally, you know, he's being very conditional about his praise.
People get very critical at strange moments.
Personally, I enjoyed last week's Texanation very much, although I got in terrible trouble because I talked about my wife in it.
You don't mention what I was saying.
And did she hear?
It got back to her.
You know what, I felt so bad that I told her because I didn't want her to hear from someone else.
So I said, listen, I talked about you in the show this week just to... I sort of raised it in a very matter of fact way, hoping she wouldn't really listen or hear what I was saying.
She got upset.
You craved exposure.
The guilt was too much.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was too much.
I didn't want to get busted.
But but then also it would have been fine, you know, but then during the week, like a couple of her mutual friends said, well, I heard Adam talking about you on the show.
That was pretty disgusting.
And so that wasn't good.
Thanks a lot, disloyal friends.
Can you really blame anybody but yourself?
I did say, please, I did beg people not to talk to her about it.
Right.
Right?
So it's their fault.
So it's their fault for disobeying the bag.
That's right.
That's correct.
Good.
Well, Barney, yeah, there we go.
We're sorry that it disgusted you and you think that it was juvenile and you think that we're scraping the bottom of the barrel, but it's kind of true.
It was disgusting, but in a fun way.
I don't agree with scraping the bottom of the barrel.
I thought it was absolutely nudging the top of a golden barrel.
How's the best text the nation ever?
We got a very good response from people on that one.
Well, here's a new one that hopefully might be an improvement for you, Barney.
Are we going to have a jingle to kick it off?
Are we going to have the traditional jingle or some kind of exciting... Text the nation classic jingle.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
So this week's Text the Nation listeners is all about personal superstitions.
This is little games you play in your head, fatalistic games.
kind of decrees you'll make as to how you'll fare that day.
I'll explain it by reading a couple of emails we got a few weeks ago.
This one from a listener called Jo Falcon.
She says, I listen to your podcast on my way to work.
I always end up humming whichever was the last jingle I hear for the rest of the day.
I have my own little superstition regarding your, but which one is the best jingle?
Do you know that jingle?
That's the jingle we use on the podcast.
We have a jingle that goes
Adam is really brilliant.
Joe is really, really brilliant.
But which one is the best?
And then sometimes it goes, it's Adam.
Other times it goes, it's Joe.
So Joe Falcon listens to that and depending on what the ending is, she will kind of rate her expectations for the day.
If it's Joe who's the best, then it'll be a good day, as that's my name too.
If it's Adam, then I'm destined to have a terrible day.
That doesn't reflect very well on you, but it's just random.
Okay, and this is the kind of thing we're talking about.
Little random things that happen in your day and you will ascribe a sort of hugely important meaning to them.
Like reading the runes, you know what I mean?
Or reading your horoscope.
Exactly.
Here's another one from Josh Pappenheim.
You say that in a dismissive way because you think it's completely meaningless.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Good.
I just wanted to make sure I got that correct for the following two hours and 20 minutes.
Here's one from Joe Pappenheim.
While crossing the road, I realised that I never step on double yellow lines.
I'll even go to the trouble to step very carefully in between the lines, even if it means stumbling and looking quite stupid.
Maybe you could see, through the marvellous medium of Texanation, what other strange and awkward compulsions people have in their lives.
So that's the same kind of thing.
Yeah.
It's reading enormous significance into some random little event in your day.
It's a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Do you think?
No, I'm joking.
I personally do it a lot.
If I'm in the kitchen and I'm grooving to some music and I flip a spatula really fast into the air, a thought will pass through my head that'll go, right, if I catch this by the handle,
I'm my life's gonna be a success if I catch it by the by the spatula end I Should give up your whole life.
Okay, sometimes sometimes it might be the day Sometimes I don't have the time to to think through the premise that quickly So when I tend to go for the whole life when things go wrong then in your life like years later if you fight blame it on the spatula By the handle and not the other end the spatula end spatula
You know, that is exactly what I think.
If only I should never have stepped on those pavement cracks back then in July.
Otherwise, things would have gone right for me now.
Yes.
Is that what these people are thinking?
Yes.
No, it's not.
But I understand it, though.
It's nice to... What is the compulsion there?
What are they trying to do?
Are they trying to make their lives more exciting or are they trying to... It's just admitting that there is a certain randomness to the world, right?
Right.
And it's sort of like the, what's that theory called about, you know, a butterfly lands on a plant and the sun blows up?
A butterfly effect.
That's it.
It's like that wicked movie.
It was invented by Ashton Kutcher.
There you go.
It's that kind of thinking.
Which admittedly, it's not brilliantly disciplined, rational or scientific thinking.
It's not rational.
But some of us, slightly less rational than Dr. Buckalloid.
If such a thing can be imagined.
I am one of the most rational people on this planet.
You are.
Yeah.
Emotionally centered and rational man.
Some of us play with that kind of thing, you know?
What are you implying?
You get angry sometimes.
Yeah, but in a very rational way.
Yeah, it's true.
Anyway, if you have the same kind of thing going on in your head, text us, 64046.
And don't forget, texts will be charged at your standard message rate.
It's nice to read that kind of thing.
Makes me feel like Ant and Dec.
Exactly.
The kings, the controversial kings of sick TV.
Here's Chuck Berry with You Never Can Tell.
Quentin Tarantino there, with You Never Can Tell.
You know, I was mad when that, obviously that was Chuck Berry, not Quentin Tarantino, but Tarantino famously used it in pulp fiction, and I was sort of angry when he did so, you know, because it was a song that I felt that I owned before then.
I thought, I'm a Chuck Berry fan and not many people know about this song.
Obviously loads of people know Chuck Berry and know his work, but
It wasn't as well known as it is now, thanks to that movie.
And I was very angry when it came out, and he stole my special song.
And everyone thought, oh, this is an ironical oldie song that I know about now.
And I thought, no, that's my ironical oldie song.
That's often the way, isn't it?
It's like when a song you like gets used in an advert.
That can be very annoying.
Mmm, or you know sometimes that snobbishness happens on the level of like if you recommended me a really good album I might not be interested because you've put your ears all over it.
Do you know what I mean?
You've rubbed your ears all over it
Wait, snobbishness?
Yeah.
Not snobbishness.
Isn't that what it is?
Well, that's what I'm talking about.
Sophistication.
Yeah, righteousness.
Possessiveness.
Righteous, sophisticated.
Not possessed.
Righteous.
He's the very majority of words.
Yeah.
It's theft.
Tarantino theft.
He stole your record.
He stole my Chuck Berry record.
He's a culture vulture.
He is, yeah.
Listen, it's exciting for Michael Jackson fans because he's playing some big gigs at the O2 Arena.
Have you heard about them?
Big gigs.
It's his big comeback tour.
Yeah, have you heard about it?
Well, he's... is he still going ahead with them?
I thought he was... Yes, he is.
What he's done is he's delayed the first two weeks of concerts because he's not ready yet.
Because the spectacle is going to be so extraordinary he needs more time to practice with his Prancer dancers.
I thought he was ill, poor chap.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
He's extremely physically fit.
Doctor say he's unusually fit for a man of his age.
He's in peak physical condition, depending on who you listen to.
Some say he's in peak physical condition.
Others say he's very close to death.
So not so.
It's true.
I'm giving both sides of the story.
It's hard to know who to believe.
It depends what tabloid you read.
Right.
So there's a lot of speculation about these big gigs.
I feel the same sense of excitement that I did when those two men announced that they'd captured and killed Bigfoot.
It just seems too improbable to believe that he will actually make it on stage and deliver an extraordinary concert.
Do you know what I mean?
It seems almost sort of weirdly impossible and fantastic that he would do such a thing.
Yes, plus he's, I mean he's a living legend.
But at the same time, at the same time the promises the promoters are making are getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger.
What sort of things?
That he's gonna sing.
and dance you know that's insane there's ridiculous promises and he's gonna do two shows on a sunday he's gonna do a three o'clock and a seven o'clock and a seven o'clock is he really he's gonna do a matter yeah like a kind of vegas like a proper vegas residency wow and he's his shows happen what every other day for a year or something non-stop
Again, I'm not fully informed, but it's something like that.
And they're selling tickets, very expensive tickets, hand over fist.
But now anybody, any of his, you know, diehard Jacko fans who bought tickets for the first two weeks, their tickets have been bumped almost six months or something into like early next spring, next year, March next year.
And now they've released tickets to new purchasers that are actually for dates before that date.
That's confusing.
It is confusing and maddening for people who've bought tickets because suddenly they're thinking, nah, I shouldn't have bought the tickets for the early shows.
I should have bought ones now and then I would have gone before.
Do you know what I mean?
But if you can mess with any fans... It's the Jacko Faz.
It's the Jacko Faz.
They'll take nearly anything from their hero, won't they?
If you were Jacko...
And you were a little bit tired, and you were really keen on getting the money, but not quite so keen on doing the gigs.
Yeah.
How would you do it?
Like, I think he's quite likely to have a lookalike up there.
Oh, yes.
With the hat pulled down, there are lots of brilliant Jacko lookalikes.
And people who could do the moves.
Yeah, I would pop a double in there.
I'd have one on standby, wouldn't you?
The Doble.
Of course, that's a brilliant idea.
Well, he's got to do that.
I would mime.
Yeah.
I wouldn't be doing no singing.
Certainly not.
I'd be doing the miming.
I'd maybe do the opening song and the closing song and let the double take care of it.
Well, the thing is, when you've got big gigs as massive as M. Jaco, people aren't going to be close enough to the stage to see what's going on.
Exactly.
Or they'll be looking at the video screens.
You shoot a video with the performance with the real Jaco in close-up, then you sync it with the live show and you have the doobly.
on the live show.
Ka-ching!
Money hand over fist.
Jacko's sitting smoking a fag.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
In his house.
And the other thing you can do is the gorilla style.
You can have some cartoon holograms and stuff like that.
People love that sort of thing.
I haven't got tickets.
I'm not going to go and see it.
No.
Because I think the whole thing is sort of has the fragrance of one of those secondhand perfume stores on Oxford Street.
You know, where they pop everything in a bin back and then run away.
But I'm really excited to find out what happens.
I mean, the first one's pretty soon, isn't it?
The first gig.
What's going to go down?
I don't know.
Can he possibly sustain it?
Hey, you know who will Bigfoot appear?
You know who might be able to get close to Jacko and just hang out with him and find out more.
Who?
Thomas Dolby.
Why?
Did you know that he went round to Jaco's house once?
No.
Did he tell us this when we met him?
No, I read it.
Andrew Collins wrote about it in Word magazine.
Wow.
And they, what was it?
He was out in LA doing some production work or something.
And he got, oh yeah, it was Steve Barron with whom he did the Thriller video.
Right.
Was work, did a video for Thomas Dolby.
Steve Barron didn't do Thriller, did he?
He did one of the other ones, I think.
Billy Jean, I think.
Right.
Anyway, and Steve Barron also did a video for Thomas Dolby, and somehow he got his telephone number.
And one day, and so when Thomas Dolby got to LA, he just phoned up Jacko and said, hello, Steve Barron gave me your number.
Can I come round?
Jacko said, yes, sure.
Come round, Thomas.
I loved, she blinded me with science.
She blinded me with science.
Come round, Thomas.
We're playing in the Jacuzzi.
It was something like that.
So Thomas Dolby went round and he said Jacko was sat on a big throne in the middle of a massive room and it was all very above board and entertaining.
Anyway, listen, well that's good.
I'd like to read that.
Is that in this month's work?
I think last month.
So, Jackson's obviously one of the greatest pop singers in history, as is Paul McCartney, right?
Imagine if they teamed up.
You get the greatest pop record ever recorded.
She blinded me with science.
That's what it was that way.
You get this.
This is The Girl Is Mine by McCartney and Jackson.
You know, when I said to James I was going to play The Girl Is Mine by McCartney and Jackson, he sent me back an email going, what?
You can't play this.
Because it's like an anathema to six music to play this kind of thing, is it?
It's like punching six music in the face repeatedly.
Well, take this, six music.
That's got one of the best chatty bits of all time.
Certainly has a chatty bit, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Certainly does have one.
Yeah.
So is that an ironical free play there?
Nope.
I love it.
I love that song.
It's such fun to sing along to.
And if you are with your partner or, you know, someone you love or feel kind of ambivalent towards, you can sing the two different parts.
And which one of those giants of music actually got to have the song on their album?
It's on Thriller, isn't it?
Is it?
Yeah, I do believe it was the first single released from Thriller before anyone had heard any of Thriller and it got very bad reviews.
The girl is mine and everybody thought that Thriller was going to be a sort of anodyne, middle of the road, lovey-dovey sellout record because of that single.
And then imagine how they responded when they got the actual album.
The greatest album of all time.
Paul McCartney did a similar thing with a Frog Chorus, didn't he?
Well, you know my problems with McCartney.
The only McCartney album I own is Pipes of Peace.
I don't have any Beatles.
Seriously, I don't have any Beatles records.
All I've got is Pipes of Peace.
And I love it.
Yeah, OK.
Well, here's another band you like.
And this is the Fleet Foxes with Your Protector.
That's Fleet Fox's there with Your Protector.
Are they talking about... What kind of protector are they talking about?
Just like for your iPhone or something?
I don't know.
We were chit-chatting during that record, so I didn't pay attention to the lyrics.
They're at Glastonbury, of course, and if you're not going to Glastonbury, you'll be able to hear them on Six Music's coverage.
Six Music is basically king of coverage this year at Glastonbury.
So that's the place where you should hear.
Oh dear.
The sentence isn't going very well.
Oh it was brilliant.
Do you think?
Oh I loved it.
So that's the place where you should hear the bad the fleet foxes.
Oh I thought it was turning into a song as well.
Yeah well no it was a disaster.
So listen, it's Text-the-Nation Time listeners.
Here's a jingle made up by one of you.
I can't talk, man.
Help me.
What's the guy's name?
Here we go, look.
He's called Oliver.
People have been sending us lots of Text-the-Nation jingles, variations on the Text-the-Nation theme.
Text-the-Nation.
And here's one, an 80s sounding one, from Oliver.
He says, after listening to the podcast this morning, I thought instead of sitting in the sun or talking to people,
I would make a new text-to-nation jingle.
Good decision, Oliver.
Here it is.
You see, this is good stuff.
This is very eighties, isn't it?
It sounds like Visage.
What was his name?
The lead singer of Visage?
Vince Steeves Strange.
I can see a video for this where Vince Lipstick is surprised by his own reflection in mirrors.
You know?
That's the sort of thing that happened in the eighties.
It was that man in the mirror!
He sounds depressed.
There's a lizard crawling on my face.
What is the lizard doing crawling on my face?
It's a bit less enthusiastic than that, isn't it?
It's as if he's been forced to sing, you know, in some sort of music, fascist music camp.
I've dropped my sprouts.
Look at them there.
covered in bits of hair.
That's good though.
Well done.
Is his name Oliver?
Oliver.
Thanks a lot Oliver.
You really knocked that out of the park.
Here are some text donations.
The subject this week is magical thinking.
Someone has said that's what it is.
It's magical thinking.
Is it?
It's how you describe it.
Yeah, it's as if.
Superstition.
Yeah, it's as if the world is imbued with strange magical codes.
It's a nice way of describing it.
Here's one from Chris Glue in Wandsworth.
If I get an easy run to work, e.g.
the bus arrives on time and I get a seat, I get worried then that some bad juju is on its way.
Kind of like reverse luck payback.
So that's interesting, isn't it?
So if he has a good journey, the day's going to be bad.
He's flipped it round there.
yes here's one from james in bath i think it's called obsessive superstition and not walking over three drains is what he does otherwise that'll bring terrible bad luck so every third drain he has to step on the drain does that make sense to you yeah i mean these are all nuts though aren't they he says keep up the average work
That's very insulting.
Claire and Crews says, I pass an old chap on the way to work each day.
That could mean... It's an interesting use of the phrase old chap.
If he says hello and comments on the weather, then it'll be a good day.
If not, I'm in for a crippler.
But what's that I don't I still I'm still trying to get your head around this I'm trying to get my head around What people are subconscious there's usually a reason for human beings to do these like trying to explain this to Spock I'm usually the Spock of the duo It's funny to see you not understanding like random emotion driven hmm logic here's another one doctor Yeah, hi Adam and Joe if in the morning I see eight dot oh eight on my alarm clock I know my day will be good as it reminds me of the band 808 state right and
And I'm expecting really good things to happen, Antony, and Cheltenham.
So that's a positive one.
I would like, you know, I'd like to hear from a psychologist.
If there's a psychologist listening, explain to me what human beings are doing.
Are they trying to add order to their lives?
Are they... Okay, get this one.
This is from Matthew Adam Barry.
I have always said the word toast after walking over three joined drain covers on a path.
I've always done it since I was seven and I still do.
What the heck is that about?
But he's now so bound into that sort of superstition that he thinks if he doesn't say the word toast after stepping on three drains, then he's going to be in trouble.
But that's borderline OCD though.
Do you think?
Yeah.
Well, maybe that's what, we've got a lot of borderline OCD listeners in that case.
I guess OCD is when impulses like that get out of control.
Yeah, I think OCD is a bit more sort of, that's a serious thing.
Yes, exactly.
But those, everyone has those little
Miniature superstitions, I suppose don't they but some people just have good luck is the other thing and then so you do believe in luck Well, no, I'm talking about lucky people I'm talking about I mean, it's just statistically that some things will go right a lot of the time if you believe in the
existence of luck, then we've got you.
No, but luck is how you describe just the way that things happen randomly, you know what I mean?
Right, right.
Statistically speaking, some people will have a lot of things go right for them a lot more than some other people who, unfortunately, you know... You're talking about Ricky Gervais, aren't you?
That's exactly right, yeah.
I think Ricky Gervais never steps on three drains, and he always says, putati.
Putati.
That's why his career's gone so well.
I'm gonna try that for you.
You gotta try it.
Maybe I might get some tips from this text.
Keep those coming in.
The more elaborate and weird, the better.
And I'd like to hear from a psychologist, alright?
The text number is 64046.
Text will be charged at your standard message rate.
And of course you can email us for Text the Nation, and if you are listening to this on the iPlayer throughout the week and you want to get in touch for Retro Text the Nation, then please don't text, just email.
The email address is adamandjo.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.
Yeah, if you're a psychologist and you want to send a longer explanation of what's going on here, maybe that email address would be the address for you.
Here's a little bit of music for you right now.
This is Cassabian with fire, who?
Sabian with fire.
Ooh, sexy, scary, sexy.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Yeah, hello.
Hello.
Last week we were talking about bad grammar in pop music.
Well, it was the Noisettes have a very enjoyable single out at the moment that does feature a little bit of dodgy grammar.
She pronounces the word mischievous as mischievous.
I was still mischievous.
She's putting an extra syllable in there and it got you quite angry, didn't it, Adam?
Absolutely livid.
We are grammatical pedants.
We like the works of Lyn Truss.
And we decided to, you know, maybe apply that same level of grammatical analysis to some other songs.
Or you guys did, the listeners.
And we got sent in some brilliant examples of bad grammar in pop that really winds you up.
Here is an email we got from... Oh, no!
I don't think I've put this person's name on.
Doctor emails?
Oh god.
What an idiot hole.
What an absolute idiot hole.
Anyway, this emailer says, the two songs that drive me most insane with rage to the point where I have to shout over the offending bit with the correct version when they come on the radio are, number one, Space, with this little clip.
Now check the bad grammar in here.
Now our correspondent is there annoyed that he's saying the female of the species is more deadlier than the male.
He doesn't say deadlier.
Well he puts an extra little syllable there.
Adam's contention is that he's just extending the word to make it fit the melody so it has an extra syllable which would then be the same
Uh, the same mistake or error that the mischievous people did.
Incorrect.
The word is mischievous.
She sings mischievous.
Right.
There's no way she's stretching out.
I was so mischievous.
That would be the way you would stretch it out to fit the meter or whatever the word is, right?
So your contention is that he is singing the female of the species is more deadlier.
No, no, no, no.
There's no deadlier.
He's singing the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
Let's do it again
Well, that's probably his intention, I'd give you that as his attention, but I also completely sympathise with our e-mailer there.
It could certainly be heard by impressionable young people as a mispronunciation of the word, therefore I think should be withdrawn and re-recorded.
I'm throwing that out of the court of Dr Buckles.
Now his next one is The Chemical Brothers on Let Forever Be, and this is a grammatical error by Noel Gallagher.
Check this one out.
So there you go.
How does it feel like to wake up in the sun?
And I submit that no, in no way is that grammatically correct.
It makes absolutely no sense.
And he's mangling the language to suit his style of arrogant cockshaw rock.
I said cockshaw rock.
Yeah.
But I would say that's on the edge there because that's so flagrant that that's an artistic choice.
Well, Your Honour, in that case, nothing, everything will be thrown out of court.
Are we being pedantic or not?
It's different to saying mischievous, because it's like, it's not sort of saying, it's not just creating a new, the fact is that a lot of people mispronounce the word mischievous as mischievous, and it's being perpetrated by the United States.
Your Honour, that how does it feel like is in no way a correct English sentence, and that's going to encourage young people to speak poorly.
And if you can't use language properly, you can't actually articulate ideas correctly, therefore it actually stunts civilisation.
Certainly has stunted me from times.
And the progress of the world, of the human race, you know?
Yeah.
Correct language is essential.
But how does it feel like in that one, that's in the context of a crazy psychedelic ramble fest, you know what I mean?
How does it feel like?
I think that's just going too far.
It's got all the flanging on there.
Here's another one.
This is from Liz in Norwich and I do apologise that previous email for, I copy pasted it and left the name out, damn it.
The song which has upset myself and several of my friends is If There's Any Justice by Lamar.
Now this is more nebulous so play this clip James.
Right, okay, so now that sounds alright to me, doesn't it to you?
He's got a few of his tenses muddled up there.
Well he's used, and this is what Liz says, he has used both the present tense, if there is any justice, and the conditional, I would be your man in the same sentence, a schoolboy error, says Liz.
I agree with you, Liz.
That's definitely good pedantry there from Liz.
The marks should be spanked on the heels.
Well, that song can be withdrawn and re-recorded.
Certainly.
I think we're asking for no less.
And finally, here's one from Ian Cummings.
I agree that songs featuring terrible grammar should be kept off the radio.
There was a song by Tinchy Strider called Take Me Back, which was played on Radio 1 a lot recently.
I usually heard it while I was in the car.
It features the following lyric.
Again, let's just play this and see if you can spot the mistake.
That kind of sticks out like a sore thumb.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I misleaded you, pretty lady.
You know, they've got auto-tuned, Sust.
All they need is a bit of autogramma.
Ian Cumming says, on hearing that song, I would regularly scream something like, it's F at dollar sign, pound sign, ing misled, you F at dollar sign, pound sign, ing moron.
Then switch off the radio in disgust.
Yeah.
So there you go.
I'm sorry I misleaded you.
That is just running up to you and smacking you in the face with it.
There must be examples of this kind of thing done really well.
Because you're right.
There's no law against sort of creative mangling of language that expresses something better than the correct grammar could.
And maybe that Chemical Brothers one is a case in point.
It's poetic license.
We're making, we're differentiating between fun with language and just flagrant bad grammar.
Yeah.
Right?
So maybe there are examples of great records that do it brilliantly.
Oh, there's loads of examples.
I've got some more examples of some bad ones that I'll read out to you listeners later on in the show.
But right now, here's some music.
This is the White Stripes with the Denial Twist.
You know, we maybe shouldn't have opened the grammar pedantry floodgates there.
Why?
Well, because it turns out that we make lots of grammatical errors during the program and now we're getting texts for every single one.
Mostly made by me in that last link.
We make loads of the highest order.
We make loads of grammatical errors.
That's not what we're talking about.
We're talking about things that are recorded.
If we were doing a record, right, if we were recording something legendarily that was going to be there for all time, this is just a disposable radio show.
One, two, three, four.
I'm counting the number of texts we've got saying that I should have pronounced mispronunciation, mispronunciation, not mispronounce.
Should we go about eight or nine?
Fair enough.
OK, but.
The point is, if you're going to do a record, right, that's going to be there forever and ever, then you would sort those things out.
Just a bit of fun.
It's just a little bit of fun.
It's just supposed to be a bit of fun.
Stop hitting me.
Why would you hit me with those sticks?
Here's a free play for you now, listeners.
Actually, before the free play, let me say that we're going to be at Glastonbury this year.
That's exciting, isn't it?
Yes.
And we'll be there with the 6th Music Team.
I think we're doing... Are we doing some sort of a show every day?
Yeah, we're doing maybe not a three-hour, but maybe a two-hour show every day and on one of the days we're doing two two-hour shows.
Something like that.
We're very excited.
Can't wait.
Neil Young is going to be there, of course.
The Springster?
The Springmeister.
Who else is the other big guy?
Blue.
Oh, blue.
Brilliant.
Drive by.
Blue.
All the hits.
Eiffel 65 are going to be there.
Yeah.
All the big bands.
Can you flip?
Jimmy the Hoover.
We've got a fuzz box and we're going to use it.
They're on the main stage.
That's going to be reforming.
Anyway, the big news, listeners, is that we are giving away Glastonbury tickets later.
And you can find out how to win those Glastonbury tickets later on in this program.
All right.
So keep listening.
And that's a big prize because, you know, they are very expensive, aren't they?
It's expensive and impossible to get hold of now.
Exactly.
Yeah.
So keep listening if you want to find out how to win Glastonbury tickets.
Here's a free play for you right now.
This is one for my mummy.
If you're listening, mummy.
Again, your mummy gets a lot of free plays.
Nothing bad about that.
It's good.
She's getting one every week these days.
More or less.
I think it's respectful.
Right.
What about your daddy?
He doesn't listen.
Doesn't he?
Nah.
He thinks we're idiots.
Does he now?
I don't think he thinks that.
No, he doesn't think we're idiots.
He likes us both.
But he thinks what we do is idiotic.
Does he?
Yeah.
So he doesn't like it.
Maybe he's got a point.
He might have a point.
If he was listening to the thing about grammar, he wouldn't stop texting in.
Really?
Yeah, he'd be furious.
We should get him as our grammar correspondent.
Yeah, possibly.
Here's Louis Armstrong with a kiss to build a dream on.
The ultimate boardroom battle is drawing to a close.
The apprentice final week.
This time, everything's at stake.
Who is going to be my apprentice?
On Sunday, it's Kate versus Yasmina.
The job is incised, so there's a lot more pressure on.
Coming second or coming 20th, it's all the same thing.
Winning is what it's about because I really want that job.
The Apprentice, the final.
One of you will get hired.
Tomorrow night from 9 on BBC One.
Oh, that's exciting, isn't it?
That's my Sunday night sorted.
Do you know what the task is?
No, I keep missing them.
I'm going to watch last week's show on the iPlayer tonight.
It was a good one last week.
It was terrifying.
When I watch it, I get terrified for my own employment prospects.
I sit there thinking I'm never going to get anywhere in the world.
I have to remind myself that I've got a job.
Right.
If they heard you saying mispronunciation, I'd be fired.
You'd be out the door immediately.
You're a nice chap, but you got no grasp of grammar.
That was a bad impression.
Can you do an Alan Sugar?
Well, no, because he says a lot of bad words that we can't say on this programme.
You think they're central to a good impression.
Yeah.
Listen, you know we were speculating on whether our Apprentice songs that we did for Song Wars a few weeks ago might get used in the Apprentice spin-off show You're Fired.
Well, I was convinced that your song about Margaret Mountford would be ideal for the show You're Fired.
You're saying that because you think it's been used.
Yeah, I was just thinking that at some point they should have used it and as they haven't so far, maybe it'll get used in the final.
Well, I think the final was either the final of the actual show or the final you're fired was filmed on Friday.
They very kindly invited us, but we couldn't make it yesterday.
Yeah.
Um, it's due to go out on Sunday evening as that trail told you, but here's an email from someone who was in the audience.
Doug Wallace, dear Adam and Joe, I was at the apprentice final last night and they played your tune about Margaret!
Hey!
But I guess you know that, as someone in the castle will have told you.
Well, they didn't, Doug.
They said there was a chance they might, didn't they?
Well...
Duck goes on to say, I felt sorry for Joe as they didn't play his tune, which was equally good.
He means Adam.
Right.
But then he says, I wanted to Stephen when they said Joe, but I thought I'd get chucked out of the recording.
He's getting our names a little confused there.
He thinks we're both called Joe.
Yeah, that's fair enough.
But then you know, I think there's it's still questionable whether it'll make the final edit Mm-hmm because they record those shows over long Don't they right and then they cut they run over and then they cut them down and shape them So it's no way guaranteed and in the past what the other examples of us getting so near but yet so far on this I got a call to go on the I'm a celebrity after show you go sister show and
And what was the one I got?
I got... For my Biff Baff Boff song.
What was the one?
Oh yeah, what was it?
No, Antics Roadshow.
They were going to use my Antics Roadshow song and they made these overtures about getting hold of it, but then it never turned up in the show.
Teasing Tickling.
So this is closer than ever.
Absolutely.
It's actually got into the record of the show.
Will it make it into the final broadcast edit?
That's more exciting than finding out who's won the overall competition.
Don't you think?
Definitely.
Millions of people are going to be watching.
It's going to boost their ratings enormously.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I can't believe it.
That's very magnanimous of me to be excited about your song as well, isn't it?
Is it?
Yeah.
In a way that you never would be if it was mine.
Do you think?
Yeah, definitely not.
That is very good of you.
Thanks, man.
It's OK.
So there's something to look forward to.
Is it time for the news now?
It's just gone 10.30.
You're listening to 6 Music.
It's time for the news.
The prons, isn't it, Adam?
It's the absolute purple ponce.
It's him sounding as if he's covering Get It On by T-Rex.
A little bit.
That's cream.
And that record is in no way suitable to be broadcast in the morning on a family radio station.
because it's hard to digest.
Cream is... Yeah, you just don't want to be tempting people with cakes at this time in the morning.
It's not good for the cholesterol.
Yeah, absolutely.
That's what you're saying.
Yeah.
It's responsible.
Now, we like to encourage people to send us in the jokes, their jokes that they have made up, right?
Yes, it's important to realise for this segment of the programme, listeners, that these are listener-authored jokes, or sometimes people are deluded into thinking that they've made up a joke when actually it's been in wide circulation.
It's doing the rounds.
Shall we have the jingle anyway?
I'm a funny person I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing Than those of other folks When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on you're all invited to a made up joke party
Yeah, some joke sound effects in there.
So these are jokes we've gathered over the last few weeks since we last did this segment.
Can I kick off by giving you an example of a joke that's too good?
Because we get a lot of jokes that are too good.
Right.
Here's one from Tom in Oxford.
How did Dracula find his way home?
Bat-nav.
Too good.
Is that too good or is it too bad?
Well, it's somewhere there, but either way... I'd say it's got both feet firmly in the too bad cap.
It's straddling the camps.
I mean, that's just that sort of puffing joke, but cracker cracker time, isn't it?
That's right.
If you'd given me a couple of seconds, I could have thought of that one.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
Here's one that's genuinely good.
Okay.
This is from Ben Wyborn.
Thanks though, Tom.
Who says, how do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Oh, I had that one.
It's amazing.
Look for the Fresh Prince.
Very good.
Now, that's good.
Come on.
Or I would say... But that's so good, you see.
I think, well, maybe that's not made up by Ben.
Maybe that's made up by a joke professional.
Maybe.
There are in China and India massive joke factories where people just sit reading the newspapers, batting around ideas, formulating jokes.
They do that in America though, don't they?
That's how they write their sitcoms.
And then they send one man into a pub in Shropshire and he says it to a man there.
But by the end of the day, it's all around London.
They test them.
And Britain.
You see, I wouldn't have put the... I wouldn't have used the word the, though.
I would have said, look for fresh prints.
I had to read it out exactly as Ben sent it in, otherwise it would have been lying.
Really?
And abusing his trust.
Do you never edit any of the emails that are sent to you?
You do sometimes.
No.
Yes, of course I do.
Here's one from Mike in Deptford.
Do you know about... I like the ones that start like that, conversationally.
Yes.
Do you know about the Antipodean prophet who absorbed the Ten Commandments?
Oh God.
You see, this is what we like, the really laboured setup.
Now hang on, read that again.
Oh yeah, I know what you mean.
Do you know the one about it?
Yeah, of course I do.
Of course I know about the Antipodean prophet who absorbed the Ten Commandments.
His name was Osmosis.
Oh no.
Osmosis.
Terrible.
BANG!
We need a sound effect.
Next week I'll have a sound effect, or next time we do made up chips.
I like the fact that it would be a bang, or the sound of someone being shot.
KABOSH!
Or killed.
Let's get something out of the beginning of Saving Private Ryan or a Stork and Slash film.
That would be really inappropriate, wouldn't it, for the anniversary of D-Day.
For Mike in Deptford though, that would be the sound of a nuclear bomb going off for Oz Moses.
That would be amazing, Mike in Deptford.
He says, love the show, although I'm unable to join Black Squadron officially, I'm an avid DigiForce member, sometimes I listen to the full three hour show twice a week.
What?
Is this insane?
Yes.
Yes it is, Mike.
Thanks for the joke.
Here's another one from Armida Taylor who says, this week I'm emailing you in with a joke all the way from Edinburgh, which this morning had my English boss in tears of hysteria at our staff meeting.
It uniformly raises a chuckle, perhaps at the expense of the people of Scotland, and it requires a Scottish accent for the punchline.
You're good at them.
What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your garden?
I don't know.
Come on!
That's good.
I need a tailor.
That sounds too good to be true.
Again, it sounds like it's formulated by the puffin books or something.
That is good.
That's genius because it's a fun thing to say as well.
If you've got a punchline that is enjoyable to say, Oz Moses.
You got another one?
Yeah, I've got loads boy Why did this is from Luke at Northwest London?
Why did the man in the office who told everyone to be really nasty to the secretary named Rachel?
Oh, this is good get sent to prison Well, I know the answer.
This is very good though.
He was inciting Rachel hatred.
I like it
He says, I hope you can read this one out just to prove to my girlfriend that she really should laugh and appreciate my efforts.
All the best, Luke.
Well, I think you're right, Luke.
She should definitely appreciate your efforts.
That's amazing.
Here's one from Alex Petrie.
My colleague, Dom Jordan, came into work this morning claiming he'd made up a joke on his way in.
He is not a listener to your show, the fool.
However, I offered to send it on his behalf.
Dom is adamant he made this one up, I'm not so sure.
If you read this out, I'm fairly sure he'll start listening to you, here it is.
I heard that John McEnroe recently attended an interview for the new Harry Potter film.
Upon completing the audition, he asked for some feedback, to which he was told, you cannot be serious.
that's good but that's too good i mean i you know what i read that no i can see i can think that someone would make that up because you know you'd come out of the film so that villain serious was good serious he was a very serious performance and you know it would go from there brilliant um but i googled that just to see if it existed
It doesn't exist in joke form, but there are many sites called You Cannot Be Serious With That Spelling.
Right, right, right.
But I couldn't find any references to it as a proper joke.
So, Alex, that sounds good to me.
What motivated you to do that?
Because I thought it was so good, I was curious to find out, like, if it existed.
Why is that insane behaviour?
It's not, it's fine.
Here's a good one from Dan in Norwich.
What do you call a Newcastle-based Ian Curtis tribute band?
I don't know.
Geordie vision.
That's good.
That's got to have been around though surely.
Smash Hits must have done that one back in the day.
You reckon?
Not to take anything away from the author.
They've got dibs on Geordies.
That's a very good one down in Norwich.
Mine are not getting quite bad.
Do you want another very complicated one?
Check this out.
This is from James.
He says this joke requires some background knowledge of British pop music from the early 90s as well as a very basic understanding of Hebrew.
Oh, I love this one.
No, you can't read this out.
This goes on forever.
No, no.
So far, I haven't found many people I can tell this joke to.
Bill Drummond's pet dog started an Israeli pop group.
They're called Kalev.
Brackets, he explains, Bill Drummond was in the KLF.
And the Hebrew word for dog is Kalev.
Thanks, Jamie.
That's good.
I like the ones that take really long explanations.
Is that enough?
One more.
OK, here's the last one.
This is from Tony Bradbury.
Hello, Adam and Joe.
About eight years ago, I came up with what I'm still convinced is a great joke, which I insist on saying every time someone approaches needing to light their cigarette.
They ask, have you got a lighter?
To which I reply in a jovial Italian accent whilst clutching my belly.
Well, I have a been watching what I have a been eating.
Because he's got a lighter.
He's got a little bit of light.
After chuckling to myself from delivering the line, the lighter requester normally stands looking confused and just repeats the question and I have to respond with, no, sorry, I don't smoke.
Hope you like it.
Toby Bradbury.
Did I say Tony before?
Toby Bradbury.
Thank you very much for all those made up jokes.
Keep those coming in.
You must think that you've authored them yourself.
You must have made them up to qualify.
We don't endorse joke theft.
No, stuff that you've heard or read.
Not interested.
Absolutely not interested.
Here's golden silvers with arrows of the air.
We've latched onto a very specific part of the 80s there, gold and silvers.
I mean it's fashionable to go all 80s on people's arses, but that seems unnecessarily strange.
They were joint winners of the Glastonbury Festival new talent competition in 2008.
Is that really true?
That's a rapid rise to fame.
And of course, there is exciting Glastonbury news coming up in the show later.
We'll tell you how you could get your hands on free tickets for the event.
Now, I went to see King Creosote in London on Monday.
It was a terrific gig and he was supported by Pictish Trail, who is of course Johnny from King Creosote.
with his own little setup.
But a funny thing happened, it was in the 100 Club which is quite a small venue.
It wasn't packed out which was a terrific thing.
They played quite a lot, King Kriasote, so you always get those beautifully balanced gigs where it's not too crowded and you can hear properly and see.
Everyone was sort of huddled around the stage and the band and there was a bit of space behind the huddle.
and occupying the space behind the huddle were two ladies who had got chairs and sat literally a foot behind the furthest back person in the crowd and decided to chat about everything that had happened that week, all their problems, their families, you know, Sue being key,
Madge, all their friends, what they were up to and annoyingly the music was, you know, drowning them out a bit so they raised their voices so they could be heard by each other over the music.
They had husbands, they'd obviously been bought by their husbands but didn't really care about the band.
The husbands kept coming over, backing out of the crowd, coming over and checking in on them, patting them on their shoulders, giving them beer, going, you're getting on all right, you're having a nice time, and then go, yeah, jolly good, right, bye, going off back to watch the gig.
And they would proceed to go...
It was driving me mental.
I was thinking how much longer can they do these women have no idea where they are?
Yeah, and but there were people other people at the gig standing quite close to them who didn't seem to mind well, maybe I was thinking well, I was thinking maybe I'm just a pedant and Everyone's much more relaxed than me and come on Cornish Chill your socks on Jimmy grumpers a slice of chill cake and you know little live and let live
live and let die was more what I was thinking.
I wanted to go and give them what for.
I waited until the very last song when Kenny Kin Kriasote said, all right, this is our last track.
We've got to go.
And then I thought they were still talking really loudly.
So I thought, right, you know, they need to learn.
They need to know.
Well, would you have gone over to them?
I certainly would have... Fumigated.
My technique is always to... Is that the right word?
Fumigated.
No, what do I mean?
Fumigated.
Fumigated is wrong.
With smoke.
What do I mean?
I was bubbling with rage.
Oh, you were fulminating.
Fulminating, that's the word.
So I crossed over to them during the penultimate song and I sort of knelt down and I really wanted to be polite.
I thought, right, I'm going to do this, but I'm going to do it really politely.
But I was still angry, so I think the politeness might have come out as passive aggressiveness.
So I spilt a little bit of aggression.
That's what happens, isn't it?
When you're really trying to be polite, but yet you're furious, so it just comes out as awful anal passive aggressiveness.
So I put my hand on her shoulder.
Whoa!
And I said, excuse me, would you mind awfully not talking really loudly?
just for the last song and she sort of went as if a sort of some sort of zombie was attacking her she freaked out and she turned around and she said oh my god i'm dreadfully sorry and i went no no no you're all right just be quiet just for the last song
I said, and then I turned my back and I went back to my little cluster of friends with my back to them.
So I didn't see what the immediate response was, but I got back to my friends and said, what are they doing?
What are they doing?
What's their response?
And my friend said, oh, they looked really shocked.
They just stood up and left because they were so sort of violated by me coming up to them.
And putting your hand on the shoulder.
Did I do the right thing?
Like a policeman.
Well, it was loud.
They wouldn't have heard me if I'd just spoken.
And she was deep in another very drunk, tedious, loud story anyway.
Did I do the right thing?
I came away thinking I didn't do the right thing.
That if I put up with it for the whole gig, I should have just left it.
The thing is, what happens is that I think people can sense it when your rage has been pent up for so long.
Do you know what I mean?
And it spills out suddenly.
Like it's better just to nip those things in the bud as soon as they start I should have gone over immediately And just don't worry about just being a little bit cursed and saying oh shut up, but it was quite effective I mean, I've really freaked them out I don't think they'll do it again Anyway, this is words fail me now.
This is from the pictish trails album secret sounds This is the voice of the big bittish castle You are listening to animatrix music
That is good, innit?
Funboy 3 with the lunatics have taken over the asylum.
I think that might even be produced by David Byrne, you know.
Do you think that?
I think he produced that album.
I might be wrong about that.
I know he produced one of their albums.
Anyway, it's wonderful stuff.
Funboy 3 there.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
Now, here's some info for you, Glastonbury info for you listeners.
If you would like to join us at Glastonbury this year for Nish,
Free tickets, then listen up, right?
When you say join us, you mean be at Glastonbury rather than help present the show?
That's true, I do mean that.
I mean, be in the Glastonbury environs where we will also be.
But don't touch us.
No, you won't be allowed anywhere.
We'll be in a carefully fenced off high security BBC compound.
Compound, exactly.
So when we say join us, we mean you can sort of claw at the fence.
You can look at the... Whilst being poked with an electric BBC cattle product.
Exactly.
Every now and again we'll come up to the... Get away!
Back off!
We'll come up to the gun emplacement and we'll turn the hoses on you.
If you're lucky we might hose you.
That's about it.
We'll throw you some buns.
Anyway, it's going to be great this year.
I'm having my buns.
Okay, it's going to be extraordinary.
Lauren Laverne's buns.
It doesn't what?
And we'll be on air, I'm talking about six music, we'll be on air from Friday the 26th until midnight on Sunday the 28th of June.
It starts on, our coverage starts at midday on Friday the 26th, incidentally, and we'll be presenting some shows along with Stephen Mac.
He's going to be there, Kerris Matthews, Gideon Coe, Lauren Laverne, but here's the important thing.
For a chance to be our guest
and win a pair of tickets, go to the Six Music website now!
That's bbc.co.uk forward slash Six Music.
All the details you need for applying for these tickets will be there.
Don't forget the headliners are Neil Young.
He's playing on the Saturday, I think.
Keep talking.
Bruce Springsteen is playing on the Friday night.
That's correct.
Blur our headlining the Sunday night.
It's an amazing line.
I forgot the line up in front of me.
And everyone you've ever heard of is pretty much playing live.
Let me read out some of the less well-known bands.
The Wave Machines are playing.
Excellent.
Jose James is playing.
Kate Walsh will be on the acoustic stage.
She's very good.
The Chorus synth band will also be on the acoustic page.
What about some of the medium-sized bands that we would have heard of?
The Wombats.
The Wombles.
Tommy Sparks.
Rumble Strips.
Is Tommy Sparks a real person?
Special Guests are playing.
I love Special Guests.
Brilliant.
That would be a good name for a band though, wouldn't it?
I don't know, it could be a band.
It's just Special Guests.
Mr. Nice, Aqua Sky.
I'm reading out all the lesser-known acts because they deserve a shout.
There's a Salsa class.
You remember when I said, can you read out some of the slightly more well-known ones?
No, I don't.
I have no memory of you.
OK, how about this?
Could you read out some of the slightly more well-known ones?
All right.
Calvin Harris DJ set.
Japanese pop stars.
Bap Kennedy.
This is a taste of what you're going to get.
Glastonbury, all right.
The Big Pink.
We'd love to see you there, and we're going to figure out some way that we can identify listeners of this show, you know, whether it means... Tony Christie there, you've heard of him.
Yeah, thanks a lot, man.
Brilliant job.
Tom Jones.
Oh, God.
All the latest back.
Whether it means that we ask listeners to this show to carry like a pink balloon or something, or I don't know, some way of identifying yourselves, we're going to figure out between now and then.
But go to the BBC 6 Music website right now and find out how you can get those Glastonbury tickets.
Now here are the Sunday Night Headliners, Blur with Girls and Boys.
I imagine they'll be playing that one on Sunday night.
Yeah, that's exciting, isn't it?
I'm really looking forward to that.
Unless they do, you know, unless they unveil a whole bunch of new stuff and do a sort of Jazz Odyssey set.
That would be exciting as well.
Do you think we can, will our BBC passes let us wander, for instance, onto the side of the stage for the Blur performance?
No.
No, by no means.
I'm gonna try it anyway.
Well, we saw Alex James at the Sony Awards a few weeks back because he was nominated for his classical music show that he does.
And he was in high spirits about the Blur reunion.
And he was saying it's all the rehearsals have been going really well.
Everyone's like slotted back in.
I mean, everyone always says that, don't they, when they reform.
unless they're getting on really badly.
But no, he seems genuinely enthused.
And I've read interviews with... What's his name?
Graham Coxson, where he's... Yeah, that's his name.
Talking about feeling really happy about it as well.
Exciting stuff.
I can't wait.
So don't forget, go to the website bbc.co.uk forward slash six music right now, where you can find out about how you can win a pair of tickets to go to Glastonbury.
this year.
Wiggle stickles.
Wiggle stickles is the correct expression to use in that situation.
That's why I used it.
Earlier on we were talking about bad grammar.
Have you got any more emails chastising us about our own bad grammar?
Have I?
Yeah, yeah, lots.
But, you know, we've moved on from that.
This isn't about us.
No.
We're talking about bad grammar in music, like in pop music.
And here's an email from Owen Summerscales that came in in the week.
Dear Adam and Jo, just a quick email to further your musings on the grammar infractions of pop musicians.
I'm sorry that this email won't get to you during the show as I'm listening in Vancouver, Canada.
There is, of course, a fine line between simple poor grammar and plain idiocy.
And so, therefore, I thought I'd provide you with a few examples that demonstrate elements of both.
He talks about a song called If by David Gates, just to kick us off.
Are you familiar with If by David Gates?
No.
Well, anyway, I don't think it matters, but he says, it contains the line, If a man could be two places at one time, I'd be with you tomorrow and today.
which, says Owen, of course is actually one place at two different times.
I mean, that's not difficult to do to be with someone tomorrow and today.
No, no, that's entirely possible.
So, if by David Gates is... Sounds like a sort of a point.
The poor David Gates.
He hasn't really got himself on the international music radar, but he's yet already being stamped on.
He might be very famous for all we know.
Before he's even got his foot through the door.
Anyway, here's a few more from songs that are more well known, at least to us.
The Joker by Steve Miller, okay?
Yes.
You know that song.
Contains the lines, and I'd sort of forgotten about this.
I'd screened it out of my... Because sometimes songs are so good that you don't worry about the bad grammar.
Some people call me Maurice because I speak of the pompetous of love.
That's just a made-up word, isn't it?
Is it?
Yeah.
It's sort of nice, it's phonetic and poetic.
It sounds like a sort of pompous clown kind of a person.
Exactly.
Well, Owen says, Steve Miller successfully manages to invent a new and particularly silly sounding word, pompatus.
I've no idea what it means, nor do I understand why someone should be called Maurice, just because they speak of it, and perhaps maybe it's French.
You know?
So, I know it's a thing I find when we're doing our song wars songs.
I think, wow, it would be so lovely to write a song and not have to be, and some of you may say that I do this anyway, but not have to be funny or not have to rhyme.
Do you know what I mean?
To be completely free form.
Yeah.
It makes it, it makes it feel really easy.
Sure.
Just to write a sort of poetic, crazy, Bowie style cut up song.
A bit of prose.
Yeah, exactly.
Sure.
That's a good one though, pompatus.
I mean, we might find out that it's a real word, but as far as I'm aware, it's not.
He talks about a song, Owen, called Jailbreak by Thin Lizzie.
Do you know that one?
Yeah, it's famous.
Tonight there's going to be a jailbreak somewhere in this town, says Owen.
I, along with most others, would have to guess that the jailbreak would happen at the jail.
rather than somewhere else in the town.
What's the lyric again?
Tonight there's going to be a jailbreak somewhere in this town, probably the jail.
They might have tunnelled out.
You reckon?
And the tunnel might pop out anywhere.
But the jailbreak would start at the jail.
You know what I mean?
That's generally where jailbreaks happen.
Maybe there's more than one jail in the town.
Somewhere in this town there's going to be a jailbreak.
Right.
I see multiple jails.
Several jails.
It's a big town.
That's possible.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's possible.
Owen points out that Killer Queen by Queen contains the line gunpowder, gelatine, dynamite with a laser beam.
He says shouldn't that be gunpowder, gelignite unless you want to make some pudding?
That's a good point.
Gelatine.
Gunpowder and gelatine.
You don't want to get those two mixed up otherwise yeah you'll plant jelly under the Houses of Parliament and blow up your kids.
Yeah you get poison pudding.
Gunpowder, gelatine.
He talks about Eddie Van Halen's Why Can't This Be Love.
He's all from the same person.
Yeah, this is Owen.
Owen Summerscale is on the case.
Why Can't This Be Love by Eddie Van Halen.
Only time will tell if we stand the test of time.
That's just good.
He says I guess it makes sense but I don't think a school teacher would be too happy.
Slightly stating the obvious.
Yeah.
Oh, in summer scales, thank you very much indeed for pointing those out to us.
You know, do you think it would be harder work to find a song that is grammatically correct from beginning to end?
Right, that uses extremely exemplary grammar.
Amazingly pedantic grammar.
I mean, that would almost be more of a challenge, wouldn't it?
Yeah, with loads of subordinate clauses and stuff.
Who is the most articulate and brilliant and educated lyric writer?
Whose lyrics could you pass under the chin of or nose of the most pedantic teacher in the world and it wouldn't get a single red mark?
Morrissey's got some pretty good grammar in some of his songs.
Has he?
And the Divine Comedy.
Neil Hannon's pretty good with his lyrics.
And who else?
Oh, the guy Alex Turner.
He's an amazing lyricist from the Arctic Monkeys.
Yes.
But he's not averse to his colloquialisms.
No, of course.
Anyway, we'd like to hear more examples if you can think of any listeners.
Thank you very much, Owen Summerscales, for those.
Here's a free play for you now.
This is just about my favourite band, I would say.
This is Spoon with monkey feelings.
Little Boots with New in Town.
Do you know where she got her name from, Adam?
Just a tiny branch of boots, the chemist, that she frequents.
Yeah.
Tiny boots.
Yeah.
No, it's Caligula, isn't it?
The Emperor Caligula was known as Little Boots.
Do you remember that?
No.
That's a good film.
Yeah.
Well, when I say good.
Fun film for a bank holiday weekend.
It's watchable.
Yeah.
It is.
You can buy that one, that's no longer banned in every single country, isn't it?
No, certainly not.
Pretty much anything goes nowadays, doesn't it?
Yeah, any old, any old tawdry old filth that I've leashed on the public.
Filthy pornographic torture fun.
It's time to return to Text the Nation listeners.
Are we going to have the classic jingle?
Do we not have any kind of demented listener jingle?
Let's have Text the Nation classic jingle.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
Just before we carry on with text donation there, I should say that a few people pointed out that, of course, in the Steve Miller song, The Joker, he's saying, I speak of the properties of love, right?
Not the pompatus of love.
There's no such word as pompatus.
Why would he make up a word?
Oh, in summer scales, you've let me and the castle down with your insane made up word.
But again, we actually don't know the truth.
We just accept at face value everything anyone sends us.
So we send us that.
We believe that.
Someone else sent us a text saying that it wasn't that, so we believe that.
You could tell us that the moon was made of Liz Kershaw's buttocks, and we believe it.
Parts of it are, come on.
The best parts.
That's true.
So, text donation this week is about... That's not superstition.
Right, right.
Yeah, verging on OCD.
That you're calling magic thinking.
Yeah, well, I think that's what it's known as.
I'm not calling it.
Someone again has emailed in and I'm taking it at face value and believing that that's the true description of it.
That's a nice way of displaying it.
Yeah, but here is an email we got explaining it from a gentleman called Matt Turner.
Dear Adam and Jo, I'm not a psychologist, but the root of superstition is fairly widely discussed and reasonably simple to explain, so I thought I'd give it a crack.
The human mind is built for figuring out logic puzzles.
For example, when I touch fire, fire is hot, therefore I won't touch fire.
That's my favourite logic puzzle.
When we transfer this into a scenario where there's no linking logic, for instance, if a black cat crossed my path, I then went on to fall down the stairs, I would link them in my head using faux logic of superstition, when in fact there would be no real logic to the link.
So in essence, superstition is a misfiring of the very human response to find patterns in the world around us.
Now, we did get a lot of actually males from genuine psychologists, but I chose the one that wasn't from a psychologist.
to read out.
I don't know.
It's folk logic.
See what I mean?
It's more human.
It's more real.
Yeah, down home.
It's the kind of show this is.
So I must also confess that I haven't really had time to read these through properly.
Just fire in there.
It'll be fun.
Here we go.
OK, here's one from Jane.
Dear Adam and Joe, we as a family each grab someone else's cheeks and shout, squidge, squidge, when driving over cattle grids.
Wow, that's very specific.
It is, isn't it?
Squidge, Squidge, what's the logic there?
That's just a sort of habit, I suppose.
She's not saying that anything bad is going to happen.
Is that one of the ones you read beforehand?
No, no, no, no.
But you know, she feels compelled to do that, so it's suggesting that something, she fears something might go wrong if she doesn't do it.
She fears consequences if she doesn't do it.
Sure, yeah.
So that fits the brief, right?
Here's one from Chris from Loughborough.
Squidge.
If I'm walking along the street and scuff my foot on the ground, I must then scuff my other foot as soon as I can to maintain the balance of the universe.
I've done this for as long as I can remember I shudder to think what might happen if I didn't do it.
Yes, I know, I must have some of these, because everyone does these kind of things, but I can't recall any right now.
That was an interesting thing for me to say though, wasn't it?
It was, well done.
Here's another one from David J. Whenever I go back home during the school holidays, our family always go to the same restaurant.
I always have to have my ribs from left to right, and if someone takes something off my plate, e.g.
a chip, it's going to be a bad month.
Bad month.
Also, before going into any exam, I have to recite the last lines of Black Hatter Goes Forth.
Yeah.
When they're in the trenches before the off.
Oh yes, yes.
So that's a sort of a personal superstition, isn't it?
I mean, have you ever been someone that reads horoscopes?
Only ever for fun.
Yeah.
But there is a little part of my brain that thinks they might.
you know, that can't help but consider that they could be truthful.
Well, there are people who take them absolutely seriously.
Russell Grant.
Well, Russell, Rusty Grant.
Astrologers.
Astronomers.
With his magic sweaters.
Astrologers.
Astrologers, yeah.
I mean, the thing is that I used to know someone, I used to even go out with someone whose day would be totally destroyed if her horoscope was bad.
And she would just will the thing to come true, though.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, she would wreck her day.
If her horoscope said, later on, your day's going to be wrecked, she would go, right.
I'm going to start wrecking it right now by being depressed about the fact that my day's going to be wrecked.
Usually they go out of their way not to say anything explicitly negative though, don't they?
Everything's so sort of broad that it could go either way.
But she would read all kinds of stuff into it.
Oh my goodness.
Okay, here's one from Neil and Kent.
uh referencing your text that ref your text the nation topic yeah i used to share my strange ritual regarding trouser belts so i need to share it i used to hold my breath when moving belts between garments it never made sense i try not to do it anymore but for a long time it was a strange but very necessary ceremony
Belt moving.
Yeah.
Wow.
Hold your breath.
You see, that's the kind of thing that gets read out when you don't filter them.
I mean, I did a thing where I would sometimes I like to hold my breath.
This is a good one.
You know, if I'm going down a corridor or something and imagine you're underwater or something.
Exactly.
Yeah.
If I'm in the Poseidon adventure or something.
That's more like the previous textination on things to do to make life more exciting.
Yeah, it's not a superstition though, is it?
Dear Adam and Jo, I have a strange friend who was once standing on the up escalator at Angel tube station.
As is sometimes the case, the handrail was moving slightly faster than the steps, edging his hand further ahead of his body.
He decided that if he could keep his hand on the rail and not move his feet until the top, he should carry on going out with the girl he was seeing.
He ended up almost horizontal, with his hand way past the poor person standing two stairs up.
But his unknowing girlfriend survived another day, says Richard Cricklewood.
That's pretty perfect.
That's really magic thinking.
Yeah.
It's tragic thinking.
We will wrap this up in the next half hour.
Thank you very much for all your texts and emails thus far.
It's 11.30.
Time for the news.
That's Guy Garvey's wonderful combo elbow.
Don't forget that Guy Garvey is here on 6 Music tomorrow night from 10pm with his own show.
Well worth checking out if you've never heard it before.
Now, Joe, did you hear that Microsoft are launching their own version of Google called Bing, a big search engine?
They've had a big week for launches.
They launched a new sort of controller-free console.
I didn't actually launch it, but they kind of introduced it at E3.
Uh-huh.
And a strange sort of talking computer boy.
Who's he?
He's called Milo.
Hello, Milo.
Hello.
Oh, you look sad.
What's the matter?
Milo is recognising your face.
That kind of thing.
It is creepy.
It's definitely creepy.
With that stuff you think, what's the point?
This is just an invitation for people to destroy the world in a Terminator-style apocalypse.
And then everyone just... I mean, is that why they're developing virtual realities?
So that we can destroy the world and it won't matter.
Yeah, exactly.
Time travel, then, you know, they'll get to time travel eventually, and then we're going to go back and punch mine in the face.
But what's Bing?
Bing's a bad name, isn't it?
Well, he reminds me of friends.
This is the thing.
It's all about the name.
I mean, they are launching this new search engine with a hundred million, either dollar or pound, either, you know, it's a lot of money, campaign, advertising campaign, to popularize it because they are absolutely livid.
Livid!
about how popular Google is, right?
And the fact this is the thing that really sticks in Microsoft's craw is that the word Google is now in the dictionary.
It's become a word in its own right to describe searching for something on the internet, right?
And that's the holy grail for people who make products.
It's like Wii, isn't it?
Do you remember we discussed Wii?
Uh-huh.
I was listening to that show for some reason the other day when we were first getting our heads around the idea of a console called Wii.
Oh yes, and we were mocking it.
Well, you were poo-pooing it.
I still poo-poo the Wii-Wii.
It's the most successful of all the consoles.
It's a ridiculous name, though.
People were laughing at it at first, and now it's in everyone's head.
Yeah, it's extraordinary.
Forever.
So maybe Bing will do the same thing.
Maybe.
That's where it's at.
Silly words.
Maybe we'll be laughing on the other side of our stupid faces this time in a year.
I don't think so, though.
I think it's a stupid thing.
But does it do anything that Google doesn't do?
Well, it's got different kind of search criteria.
It reckons that it comes up with... Better results.
More accurate results.
Really.
More extensive range of little associated videos and interesting things.
Bing.
That's like Bingo.
Because do Americans have the word bingo?
They don't have the game, do they?
Not so much.
So they do have bingo.
They say bingo is an expression of triumph.
The only person I've ever known to say the word bing is Ned Ryerson in Groundhog Day.
Do you remember that character?
He comes round.
Hey, it's Ned Ryerson, you remember?
Yeah, he's just after, before or after the puddle?
Just after the puddle.
Or maybe it's when he's trying to get away from Ned Ryerson, he steps in the puddle.
Ned Ryerson from college, you remember?
Bing!
And then of course there's Bing Crosby.
I think it must be the American for bingo, you reckon?
Yeah.
Maybe you're right.
No, I'm definitely not right.
I still think it.
It's Chandler Bing from Friends.
Anyway, they want the word bing to be in the dictionary, meaning something you search for.
Like, I binged you.
Oh, I binged you the other day.
There's going to be one called Bong.
Stoners are going to make one called Bong in some American university, are they?
They've done it already.
Do you think Bing is going to happen, though?
I don't know.
The thing about Google isn't the name Google.
The thing about that was the simplicity.
It was the fact that it was just the name and the window.
And before then, you got all sorts of... It was like looking at the contents page of an encyclopedia, those engines, wasn't it?
And Google were the first people to wipe away all the nonsense and just make it strictly utilitarian.
Yeah.
Can you Bing that for me?
Utilitarian.
Yeah, just bing everything you just said.
I'd love it if you could just bing the facts on that for me.
It's not going to happen.
I don't think it's going to happen.
Because Google feels like, you know, you might go to prison for Googling somebody.
I know.
Do you know what I mean?
It sounds like you're interfering with them.
Oh, not my Googles.
And that's what you want to do with facts.
You want to interfere with them.
Get in there.
You know, rifle around.
You don't want to bing them.
Bing is just one little flick.
It sounds too singular, doesn't it?
It's a contemptuous flick.
Bing!
You see, we're going to listen to this in a year and we'll sound like idiots.
Idiots, absolute morons.
We'll be the king of the castle.
Because the other brands that have become verbs are things like Hoover, of course.
Of course.
You Hoover things, right?
Cellotape.
Of course.
Tippex.
Yes.
Like no one uses... What's it called?
White Out.
Correcting fluid.
You know?
You use the brand name for those things.
But I was trying to think of other brands that haven't become associated intimately with what they do.
You've done a lot of thinking.
I've been thinking all week, too much thinking.
Like, could you make me a slice of Morphe Richards, please?
Right, toast, toaster, toaster.
It would be more like, can you pop this bread in the Morphe Richards?
Is that what you're getting at?
No, I was trying to make it into a verb, or a noun, to describe the thing it does.
That's all I can think of.
I got lost.
You tangentialised too many times.
A slice of Morphy Richards.
You flip-flopped.
I've lost the through line.
I've got confused.
Bing!
Let's play the next track.
Bing!
This is Rabbit Heart with... No, this is Florence and the Machine with Rabbit Heart.
Oh Florence.
She's very sexy sounding isn't she Florence?
She certainly is.
That song exhausted her.
Rabbit Heart, Raise It Up.
That's called.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.
Weather check.
How's it going?
Is it actually raining outside?
It's drizzly here in London.
Yeah.
But that's fine.
Have a cosy time.
Cozy Tom on my on my bike mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama mama
Waffles and... Grumbles.
Oh, be quiet, grumbles.
Don't touch that, grumbles.
Oh, no.
Crispy cake.
He looks like a rice crispy cake, doesn't he?
They don't really give him enough screen time, but I think he's... Yeah, anyway.
He'd be a good keychain, that chap.
Listen, we got an email from Steven Beckon and my girlfriend, Adam and Joe, often hums some random tune when she's pottering about.
It goes a bit like this.
La, la, la, la, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
My mum does it too and I've noticed middle aged women do it a lot, although my girlfriend's only 28.
When I ask what tune they're humming, they never know, I call it the mum hum.
Now this isn't just exclusive to mums, I mean dads do it a lot and men do the lot whistling.
And I do it a lot.
If I'm just feeling happy, I will launch into... I don't know what it is, that tune.
Oh, that's a very good song.
But everybody just... You'd must do it as well.
Yeah, of course.
It's a human habit just to launch in to a sort of instantly on the hoof composed freestyle jazz
Odyssey, but it's not even jazz.
Sometimes it can sound like a sort of marching song, but it's a human habit, isn't it, to sporadically launch into a compositional mode.
The thing that I do sometimes as well is I start singing a song that I wouldn't be seen dead, you know, listening to.
duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh and then in my brain I oh my god I've started singing agadoo so I'll go duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh
What are you doing?
Because it's not Agadoo anymore.
Ah.
It's a different song.
Take it into a different direction.
Yeah, that just sounds a bit like Agadoo at the beginning.
Do you ever do that?
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-
What's your little song?
If you're feeling happy, you might walk into a room and go.
That's a good song!
I wonder whether actual composers do that.
Do you know, like Damon from Blur?
Oh, you've got to fill this album.
No, talented people get tunes visited into their brains.
Yeah, I know, because I do as well.
I do.
I might wake up.
Ah, that's amazing.
What an amazing song about that.
Wow, I've written Agadoo.
You think talented people just, you think the quality of instantaneous composition.
If you walk into, ah, I can't.
You hear famous and talented people talking again and again, musicians, this is.
about the fact that they feel as if they're channeling music that arrives fully-formed.
Of course, but this isn't when you're sitting at your piano or at your word processor.
This is when you're literally just mopping the floor.
No, but that's what I mean.
They get these tunes fully-formed, suddenly they just arrive in there.
Why are you saying they?
As if we're not included in this.
I don't understand your angle on this.
I've written a brilliant song!
If I just change the words... No, that's not what I was saying at all.
I think in future people should walk around with tech recorders and record those random little compositions just in case.
Just in case, because you never know.
You might be a compositional genius or your mum or your dad might be a songwriting genius just around the house and just not know it.
You know, they're leaving pearls of musical genius.
Sometimes I...
They're usually kids cartoon themes.
They're mostly umpah based, aren't they?
Songs like that.
Anyway.
I recorded a few of mine.
Have you?
Yeah, because I have thought, like when you're walking sometimes, if you go on a walk that's more than about 20 minutes.
You mistook yourself for one of them.
Exactly.
Hang on a second, I'm a bit like Brian Wilson.
I should really carry around a memo thing, so maybe I'll bring them in.
And you listen back to them in a few, you know, in a couple of months.
And you've recorded it like... I think next time you hear someone doing that, you should just rush up to them and go, oh my God.
No, what was that?
What was that tune you were singing?
That was amazing.
Quick, sing it again.
Have you got a deal?
Are you signed?
Do you work for a record label?
Then you get punched in the chest, legitimately.
Just another day for me.
this is your free play joe what is it dj format yeah okay this is dj format uh this is from his album wait for it wait wait a little bit longer uh music for the mature b-boy from 2003 this is called english lessons part one yeah that's
That's a little bit of music there for you, music fans, from DJ Format.
DJ Format and that was called English Lessons Part 1.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Lots of American people have texted us to say of course bingo and the word bingo does exist in America.
That's it.
Just sorting that out.
And people as well saying that Microsoft has chosen bing as the word because it stands for.
Bing is not Google.
I can't believe that's true.
I can't believe it's not true.
Just a bit of fact mopping there.
A little bit of fact mopping, and here's some info for you.
If you are a person who likes to go and see live events, exciting live events, at the moment I'm working on a sitcom for BBC2, and it's a studio sitcom, which means that every Thursday evening we record
live in front of a studio audience in the studios at Teddington.
Lovely studios, you know, they were built by Benny Hill and... Actually built by Benny Hill.
And his Hill's Angels.
He did them very fast.
That's right.
Another little moment.
Anyway, you can come along and see the show being taped.
The show is called The Scum Also Rises and it's all about an advertising agency and I am in it, along with many other talented comedians and actors.
Ian Lee is in it.
Daisy Haggard from Man Stroke Woman is in it.
Jared Christmas, very funny, Kiwi stand-up comedian is in it.
Anyway, do come along if you'd like to see it being taped, we'd love to see you there.
You can go and find tickets on the website, which is called, it's www.sroaudiences.com, www.sroaudiences, all one word, dot com.
So we'd love to see you there at Teddington, but be warned, you know, these things take like
couple of hours or more to tape so that's it for this week though thank you very much for everybody who's texted an email please keep your emails on the text the nation subject coming in in case they make it into retro text the nation a podcast of the best bits of this show will be available at about five o'clock on monday morning and we'll be back here same time next week nine till noon on six music stay tuned for Liz Kershaw have a good week bye