Oh, that's wonderful!
I got so bored with the last hour again!
Wait, is he running for governor, mayor or president?
He's got to make up his mind, isn't he?
It's hard to tell.
We've got photos of the artists we play here on our sheet that our producer James has given us.
And the photo of James Brown looks like one of his arrest photos.
Yeah, that's one of his arrest photos.
He doesn't look in very good shape, does he?
He looks haggard and tired.
His manifesto is a little confused though.
Fair enough, you've got to get over before you go under.
That's absolutely fine.
That's a good platform to stand on.
But you've got to save your money like the mob.
Is that a good thing to be telling the voters?
Well, you know, the government, they're just a legitimate mob, aren't they?
Right.
So it's the same thing, really.
He's just being upfront about it.
Yeah.
Being honest.
Would you vote for him?
Yes.
Especially with that picture as well?
Yes.
Definitely with the picture.
Hey, good morning, listeners.
We're Adam and Jo.
I'm Jo.
I'm Adam.
And welcome to Britain's top political phone-in show.
For the next three hours, your chance to let off steam over the issues of the day.
Gordon Brown, can we still trust him?
Why can't he be straight with the country?
Alistair Darling, couldn't Britain really spend its way out of recession?
Alex Sammond.
Thanks for sending us down the river!
Swine flu, mass pandemic or mass panic?
Absolutely.
All the issues of the day for the next three hours.
Plus the millennium dome.
What are we doing with this white elephant?
White elephant?
Oh, elephant!
Or actual elephant.
So get in, let off some steam, get angry.
It's not a political phone-in show.
I thought it was.
I thought you were saying it was.
I thought that was the whole point of what you were saying was that part of our rebrand... Gordon Brown.
Yeah.
That's all.
Go on.
Gordon Brown.
That's all.
You just have to say it like that.
You just have to phone in and say... Gordon Brown.
Gordon Brown.
Yeah, that's what it's gonna be like.
Three hours of that.
No music, just phoning.
Every now and again.
We don't even have adverts as well.
It's just gonna be angry people on the phone.
Hardcore ranting.
Remember, remember, the 5th of September, now it's no longer so hot.
Because I thought, you know, they've got one for the 5th of November.
Yes, and it's cooling down.
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
That's good man, well done.
I've got some other ones for like the other fifths of the months as well.
Fifth of June, do you want to hear it?
Yes.
Remember Baboon, it's the fifth of June soon, probably, it will be quite hot.
Yeah, the thing you're missing is that... What?
I think the November the 5th one was because it was... Gunpowder, treason and plot.
Yeah, fireworks night.
Yeah, so I've got the rhyme.
Yeah, but there was an event for the rhyme to commemorate.
It probably, it will be hot.
Was there something baboon related on the 5th of June?
That was mainly for the rhyme.
Right.
But it's aimed at baboons.
All right, how about this?
5th of March.
Remember the larch on the 5th day of March.
The tree has been growing a lot.
Now that's touching, that's very sweet.
Well it's poetic, isn't it?
Yes it is poetic, isn't it?
Remember the larch.
Because people tend to forget about the Larch in March.
You know, they're still excited about... They're getting over Christmas in the New Year festivities and stuff, and they're still adjusting to the New Year.
Do one for December.
What rhymes with December?
Remember, remember the 5th of December.
Soon there'll be presents and... cake.
Tot.
Like a tot of whiskey.
Here's some Florence and the Machine, this is Drumming Song.
There you go, that's Florence and the Machine with Drumming Song.
She's been nominated for a Mercury Prize, is that right?
And her machine.
Yeah.
She's a Camberwell girl, local to me, staff, London girl.
Yeah.
Do you ever see her walking around with a machine?
A lot of the time, a lot of the time.
Do you prefer her or the machine?
I don't know, you know, I saw her on a phone, I heard her on a phone in the other day, it was on Radio One.
And the DJ, I think it was Joe Wiley, had questions from other Radio One DJs to ask her.
And she had a question from Chris Miles and the question was, what is the machine?
And Florence just went, well is that it?
Is that his question?
It's not very original, is it?
She speaks like a bloke.
So that's a very roundabout way of dissing me.
And Moils, yeah.
And lumping you in the same bag as Moils, which is a good bag.
It's a very popular bag.
It's a successful bag.
Millions of listeners.
Yeah.
But it's also stained.
It's a little cramped in the bag.
Yeah.
But I don't mind.
It's got some holes in it.
I like it there.
Yeah.
All right.
I think that's a funny question.
No, I don't think she knows what the machine is.
Yeah.
People have got some issues with some of my questions for Tom York that were on the blog.
Yes.
I noticed a couple of comments there saying, Adam Buxton, I mean, it was a sort of a backhanded compliment.
Adam Buxton gets a lot out of a lot of lame material, said someone, like the comedy scientists on the blog.
Well, look at the material.
I've run the material through the computer.
You can't start feeling vulnerable about blog comments.
I'm not vulnerable about it.
I just thought, is my material being judged now?
I mean, that's a little bit vulnerable.
Well... My material's brilliant!
What are you talking about?
You don't know who posted that.
It could be a two-year-old.
It's like taking advice from graffiti on walls.
Yeah.
Well, graffiti on walls is usually right there.
I was just surprised.
It just seemed like if they were going to start thinking about the material after they listened to our show... I think the point they made... It was a flattering point.
It was saying that, you know, you do lame material, but then you make it really charming by being vulnerable.
Just the idea that it's actual material.
Yeah.
is amusing to me but anyone thinks that you or I come up with and I'm lumping you in with this as well because let me tell you my material makes your material look like tissue I'm dressed in material that's how much material I've got my clothes are made out of it yeah but look at my sleep
under material just looking at my material right now my green jacket it's totally frayed it's got a huge hole in it in every respect my material is coming apart so listen we're neglecting black squadron a little bit aren't we we are a bit to be perfectly honest black squadron your commanders are confused after their winter break summer break see they don't even know what season it is
You had an idea, though.
I like the... Why don't you just go for the simple one?
Go for the simple command?
Yes, sure.
All right.
Well, we need to play a record after the command.
They're a simple squadron.
All right.
Let me tell you about the record we're going to play.
It's a free play of mine.
It's Spoon.
It's one of the first Spoon tracks that I ever heard, and I love it.
It's called That's the Way We Get By.
But first, here is the command for Black Squadron.
Do we need to boot them up?
Stand them to attention with the intro jingle.
Here it is.
Black Squadron!
Always catch the beginning of the show Flack squadron don't wanna miss a thing That's not the way black squadron roll Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the squad
Yeah, Black Squadron, stand by for your command.
If you're alone, this might not work.
But if you're with somebody else, then the moment I say this word, you have to do it to the person you're with.
Ready?
Ready.
Tickle!
That's Orange Juice, and that we think is a session version because we've both got that album, haven't we, Adam?
Poor old soul, yeah.
The version that I'm familiar with is more laid back and it's got more of a groove on it, but that's a good one as well.
Lovely bit of Orange Juice.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.
I wonder if Black Squadron are tickling each other.
Do you think it's like a kids' show?
It's basically like a toddler's program.
Oh, it's Saturday morning, but tickling isn't necessarily a childish thing.
It can be dangerous.
That's right.
I mean, if you were driving in a car there and someone started tickling you on the command of this show.
That was absolutely lethal.
It could have been fatal.
So what are you saying?
So I'm saying that's not for kids, is it, death?
Oh, I see.
They can't handle it.
You're saying that if a commando was to do it, it's a very different
Exactly, tickling is something that real squadies are trained to do.
You can disarm a terrorist with a carefully placed tickle.
Absolutely you can.
Tickle them in the right place and they're forced to drop the gun in total with joy.
I wouldn't be surprised on a serious note if they used tickling in places like Guantanamo.
As a torture.
Yeah, tickle... Well, that's different.
That's dark.
I'm saying this is a serious... A tickling one show, isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
You're right.
When you're a child and someone tickles you and then doesn't stop.
Yeah.
You can nearly suffocate.
It's awful.
It's horrible.
But I'd like to see in a Bond film, James Bond work his way through a room of baddies just with carefully placed tickling.
A nice bit of tickling.
Don't you think?
You know, where's the best place to tickle someone?
Because the obvious thing is to go for under the armpits there.
The ribs.
It's the ribs, I think.
You reckon.
You launch your hands suddenly towards the ribs.
Yeah.
And that's guaranteed to get any party started.
Have you never tried doing the thigh tickle?
The thigh pinch is effective.
The inner thigh.
Go in for the inner thigh and really root around in the inner thigh there.
Well, you have to do that with someone you're intimate with.
Yeah.
Do you?
Who are you doing that to?
I don't know, anyone really.
Did you do that to Tom York?
Yeah, big reaction.
You know, I haven't done it to Tom York.
I did, but I should tickle celebrities.
Well, that could be our new thing.
I did tickle Johnny Greenwood from Radio.
I tickled him on his buttocks.
Did you?
I reached around and I grabbed his... He's probably working on a song about that.
I grabbed his buttocks and I did a little tickle and he looked appalled.
I mean, I really regretted doing it.
Did you?
Yeah.
Why did you do it?
Because I was overexcited.
Really?
Yeah.
Was he in a happy mood or was he?
He was, he seemed to be in a happy mood, which is why I thought maybe it would be a good thing to do.
I think the misconception is that tickling someone can make an unhappy person happy.
That is true.
It doesn't work that way.
It makes them angry.
But listen, under normal circumstances, tickling the buttocks is very, gets good results.
If you come anywhere near my buttocks, I will be so happy.
Well, you're a good example of a person I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it with.
Really?
It wouldn't occur to me.
There's a lot to tickle here.
There's a whole lot of tickling.
That's what confuses people, they don't know where to start.
Right.
Yeah.
Where would you like to be?
There's miles of me.
I mean no one likes, no one really likes being tickled, do they?
And my daughter I've noticed, my young daughter absolutely loves it.
My little babies love being tickled though.
Not my daughter.
She's fed up with it, yeah.
She looks at me with a look of utter destruction.
Get off!
What are you doing?
Ah!
Get off!
That's the only word she can say.
In that very low voice as well.
Oi, get off!
Like that.
Hey listen, I just said hey listen.
As if I had something to say.
We're gonna play some hockey right now.
What's hockey James?
I haven't read our sheets.
Is it?
Okay, he's going to tell us about it.
This is Song Away.
That's Hocky.
They're from Portland, Oregon in the United States.
Portland is the hot new town, right?
It used to be Austin, Texas for a while, and Austin may still be hot, but Portland is now absolutely where it's at.
Have you ever been there?
No, never been.
Ever been to Austin, Texas?
No, we'd love to go.
We'd love to.
Oh, you've been there.
Have you?
What's it like?
Yes, it was very nice.
Yeah.
Yeah, the Alamo Drafthouse.
Cinema's there, that's all I cared about.
Full of cowboys.
Cinema for cowboys.
Yeah, did you wear your cowboy boots then?
Yes.
Have a pistol fight?
Do you think they're good then, hockey?
Did you enjoy that?
I asked you if you had a pistol fight!
No, it's a cinema!
I had some food and watched a film.
You were a little grumpy about hockey, I thought.
Well, I think it's mysterious how new bands appear on stations like this, you know?
Who chooses these new bands?
Who chooses which one to push?
I don't know, the guy who listens to all the music comes in.
They sounded a tiny bit undistinguished, I thought.
Really?
Yeah, I mean, that's a controversial thing to have an opinion, I know.
Bit workman-like.
Yeah, tiny bit.
I mean, maybe I need to listen to them more.
Well, they were very much in the thrall of... But why them?
I mean, there must be millions of exciting new bands.
Why hockey?
I mean, they look cool.
We got a picture of them.
They're young and good-looking, stripey shirts.
You've answered your own question then, haven't you?
Young and good-looking with stripey shirts.
Yeah, that's all you need.
And they sound nice.
I thought that was nice.
It was nice.
You're right to be positive about it.
Yeah, I thought that was nice.
Oh, come on.
I thought it was nice.
It was really nice.
You know what?
I was doing a bit of name dropping there before and about tickling Jonny Greenwood's Buttes.
Yes.
Because I was at Reading last weekend.
Right.
I saw Radiohead in full swing.
I mean, that was I think that's going to go down in the annals of history as being one of the all time great shows at Reading or any other festival.
But I met lots of groovy young bands, bumped into Vampire Weekend.
Very nice, boys.
So you're worried you might bump into hockey, and they might have heard this.
Well, this is what I'm building up to, yeah.
Yeah.
Because when I do, I'm gonna be able to say, listen, that wasn't me, that was Tall Joe Cornballs.
Yeah.
So don't punch me in the face, hockey.
Yeah.
Because I also bumped into Gold and Silver's Drummer.
We've played them on the show.
Yeah, we like them, though.
They're fantastic.
We've been very positive about them.
So, you know, if and when I bump into hockey, I don't want any aggravation.
I don't want a hockey puck right in my, upside my head.
is what I'm saying, OK?
I'm looking forward to having a fight with hockey.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, there's only one guy that looks a bit tasty in hockey.
Which one's that, second from the right?
No, the guy on the end with the little moustachio.
He looks overly tasty.
He looks heavily flavoured.
The rest of hockey aren't going to give you much trouble, I don't know.
Second from the right looks like it's trouble.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
It's 9.30.
Time for the news.
Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bargain
Very nice.
That's Radiohead, of course, with no surprises.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music, and we won't go on about Radiohead anymore.
Suffice to say that it was a wonderful show at Reading last weekend.
Thanks also to everyone who came along to my show that I did there.
Many Black Squadron members came along, and there was a very loud bit of Stevenage before I went on, which mystified the MC.
He'd never heard of Steven or our show.
and when various members of the crowd started shouting, Steven!
He said, he was confused, he didn't know what the hell was going on.
He said, what's Steven?
What happens if I shout Steven?
And they said, go on, shout Steven.
So the MC finally shouted Steven and there was a very loud just coming.
And if you don't know what that means, listeners, then let me explain.
That's just something that you can shout if you want to identify other people that listen to this show.
If you shout Steven in a crowded place and someone shouts just coming back at you, then you know that they are also listeners to this program.
I got a couple of shouts in the street during the week.
Oh yeah?
On Oxford Street, did you respond?
Well, I was walking down a very crowded Oxford Street, and from somewhere in the crowd came Stephen!
And it was a bit like a sort of a 50s horror film.
I didn't know where it had come from or who'd said it.
When I looked round, all I could see were blank faces.
So I was too confused.
I missed the moment.
You see, you shouldn't look around even.
It should just immediately come out.
Just come in!
And another one I got in, I was walking through Soho and a young man walked past me and went,
like that and I was again so surprised I think I went hey or hi possibly at best but I'm no good at it you are not I can't respond to it listen I was in an airport toilet really and there was a Steven from inside the cubicle really next to mine from inside the urinal no in a cubicle I couldn't even see where it had come from I just heard from within the cubicle I was washing my hands I hear Steven
So I gave him a just coming, you know, but it was pretty weird for me and everyone else in the lavatory at the time.
They just thought, wow, this is a special new type of cottaging that's going on in the airport.
I'll be back later.
Anyway, practice.
We've got to figure out some way that I can get up to speed, you know, sharpen up my Stephen responses.
You really do.
Sort of a training camp.
Stephen!
Look, you see you can't even do it on air!
Try again, try again, try again.
You know, just coming.
Coming is fine.
If you're embarrassed about the just coming, you just keep coming.
Something like that.
Can't do it.
Last bit of Radiohead related nonsense.
Don't forget that there is a so-called interview with myself and Tom York available to see, exclusive to our BBC Six music blog.
You can check that out right now.
The blog can be found at bbc.co.uk slash blogs slash Adam and Joe.
And don't forget you can just email us about general bits and bobs.
The blog tends to be targeted comments, doesn't it?
arranged under themes.
You know, but if you've just got general wiffle waffle that you want to send our way, then the email address is adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
You know, we love your emails.
Made up jokes and stuff.
We might have a few made up jokes that we've accumulated over the summer later in the show.
And you can text us, of course, at any point on 64046 and text will be charged at your standard message rate.
You know, Zane Lowe says all that stuff incredibly fast when he's on his show.
He's a good DJ.
But I wonder if he might get a knuckle rap because he says it so fast, you know what I mean?
No, that's allowed, isn't it?
Because they say that stuff very fast at the end of mortgage adverts on the radio, don't they?
If you go too fast, though, it becomes incomprehensible.
Yeah.
I mean, he does it, like, as a thing.
He does it amazingly well.
He's an information machine, though, isn't he?
Yeah.
He's a walking encyclopedia of useless rock trifs.
Yeah.
And contemporary rock trifs.
And useful rock trifs.
Yeah.
And very useful rock trifs.
Mmm.
He was wandering around at Reading as well.
He's a nice guy.
He's a very nice guy.
Anyway, here's Friendly Fires with Kiss of Life.
That was Friendly Fires there with Kiss of Life.
Now they're one of four bands presenting shows for six music on Sunday afternoons in the run up to the Mercury Music Prize, right?
That's the big event in the music calendar around this time of year amongst all the other big events in the music calendar, right?
Wouldn't you say, Joe?
Yeah, yeah, I would say that.
The horrors are actually presenting the first of the shows tomorrow afternoon from 3.30.
What's that going to be like?
Yeah?
I mean, can they speak?
They're like vampire people, though.
They stay up for four or five days on the trot.
And I wouldn't think that they would be in any way articulate.
They're quite posh, the horrors.
Are they?
Yeah, they are.
Like posh vampires.
Yeah, they're very, very posh vampires.
So I think they're very well spoken.
Probably.
I like the horrors.
I'm going to drink your blood.
I like the one with the extended pudding bowl haircut.
You know what I mean?
It's brave to have a pudding bowl, but then to let the fringe actually descend beneath the nose.
That's really going out on a limb.
I like it.
Yeah.
Well, tune in tomorrow at 3.30 and you'll be able to hear how they get on here at Six Music.
Now, I took one of the other people that was lurking around at Reading, right, was Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grind.
Harry Pooter and his buddy Ron Johns.
Ron Weasley.
Yeah.
They were wandering around there and they were sort of disguised.
They had crazy hats and stuff on and goggles and things like that.
Stop them from being mobbed by muggles.
Yeah, but they, I mean, it didn't really because the muggles were absolutely swamping them and taking pictures.
They were really nice though.
They seemed, you know, they were very smiley enough for having their pictures taken and stuff like that.
I like them both.
I've especially got a soft spot for Grinty.
Yeah, do you?
Yeah, I think he's Malcolm McDowell for the noughties.
Yeah.
Do you think he's got a, do you think he's got the longevity there?
Is he going to last?
Well, it depends on his career choices.
He could either be Malcolm McDowell or he could be the guy from Confessions of a Window Cleaner.
He could go either way.
Yeah.
His choice is so far Thunderpants.
That was very young though.
He was very young and he did a driving school one.
It's early days for both of them.
Very early days.
They're very young.
Let's not judge them.
There was a very snippy interview with him in, in some men's back.
Yeah.
In FHM or something like that.
Really?
where they were basically the whole thrust of the thing was like, you're washed up.
You're never going to have a career.
And they were really giving him a hard time about it.
I thought he dealt with it very manfully in the article.
I wish him all the best.
Anyway, we went to see Harry Pooter and the half-blued plants.
Oh, did you?
Yeah, I haven't seen it yet.
Me and my boys, they were absolutely desperate to see it, even though they're pretty young.
I mean, five and seven, you know, and it's a 12.
So it was up to me as the parent to make the call.
And I was a little bit worried it would be too scary.
Actually, it wasn't too scary.
What it was was too boring.
It's long, isn't it?
How long is it?
It's two and a quarter hours.
It's two and a half years.
It's two and a half hours.
Two and a half hours.
I mean, I would be bored in any film that lasted that long.
You know what I mean?
And the thing is that they've, it's David Yates, is it the director?
Yes.
He's got a lot of character work going on in there.
And they are really, I mean, hooray, there's some great character development, but that's a little bit lost on the under 10s.
And my own fault for taking them, you know, it is a 12A, certainly, perhaps the 12 year old.
What was happening?
What were your kids doing?
How did they just, you know, show their boredom?
It started off very early on with
with one of them getting some popcorn lodged in his throat, which happens quite a lot.
I forgot that it happened last time.
I've just got to stop buying the popcorn.
But about 10 minutes in, right, there was a tap on my shoulder.
I got popcorn in my throat.
So I was like, OK, have some here, drink a little bit of fizzy pop.
No, because it was just, you know, do you ever get that?
It's a little shard of popcorn.
And you can feel it stuck there.
I don't really like popcorn.
Don't have it.
Right.
Well, that's a good reason not to, because very often you can get a little shard lodged there.
And you can feel it.
I much prefer to eat shards.
Do you?
Big bag of shards.
Delicious chocolate covered shards.
Yeah.
Wow.
No, he just goes for the popcorn and the shards come off and then... So right the way through the film, he was just making like loads of noise as well in the quiet bits.
All you could hear was...
He wasn't joking.
He was just trying to dislodge the shard.
So I felt bad.
I kept on saying, shh, try and do it a little bit more quietly.
And I had to buy him a hot dog to see if that would dislodge it and stuff.
Was he disturbing other viewers?
I would say so.
You should have taken him outside.
Well, what was I going to do though?
There was two of them.
I didn't want to just totally disrupt the whole thing.
I couldn't leave the other guy on his own there, the other guy, my son.
That little guy that follows me around.
The weird short guy.
Meanwhile, the other guy is bored out of his mind.
because he can't figure out what's going on.
The only time he's perking up is when they do the broomstick battles.
What's the sport game called?
Quidditch.
Quidditch, right?
So he perks up a little bit when the quidditch starts and when there's some extreme wand action going on.
But apart from that, during all the plot unfolding moments of which there are many, he was absolutely bored out of his mind.
And he turned round and he was facing the wrong way in his seat and he was bashing his head against the back of the seat.
No.
I used to do that.
as a demonstration of boredom.
He was teenagers.
He was doing it in Switzerland.
Wow, that's advanced.
I was saying, man, do you want to leave?
Because we can leave.
If it's too boring, we can leave.
And he's like, no, no, no, I like it.
I really like it.
Let's stay.
So at two and a half hours of this, we must have been driving the people behind us mental.
Was it quite full in there?
It was relatively full, yeah.
And in Norwich as well, it's a very respectful audience you get.
There's no mobile phone calls and talking and stuff.
People are really nice and well behaved.
And we were the worst behaved people there, spilling popcorn, coughing and spluttering, bashing heads against the back of the seats.
It was pretty bad.
But we were thinking maybe we might talk about cinema etiquette a little bit later on in the show.
Yeah, we might do a text the nation listeners, do a cinema manifesto like we did for gigs.
We only say might though.
We might do it.
Might not do it.
We don't know.
It's like that.
We make decisions on the spur.
Here's a free choice.
This is yours, Joe, right?
Yeah, this is another one from Now.
Most Def's album.
Ah, well done.
I played a track from this last week.
The album's called The Ecstatic.
This is another of my favourite tracks.
Listen to this one, listeners.
Listen to where this one goes and where his rapping goes and what happens to the backing track.
It's phenomenal.
This is called Kaza Bae.
That's Empire of the Sun, mate.
Is it, mate?
Yeah, that's Walking on a Dream, right?
If you listen to that song, right?
Yeah.
There's only about, like, three chords and it just goes over and over again.
There's no real chorus.
Yeah, but that's a good thing, you know, a lot of bands overuse chords.
Listen, mate, I'm not saying
it's a bad thing.
Why are you getting up in my grill about it, mate?
What's the matter with you today, mate?
I'm just saying that they only use a minimal number of chords in the song and it just goes over round and round and round.
He's done a lot with a little, that's all I'm saying, and you're getting all up in my grill about it.
Mate, you're really steamed up today.
I'm really steamed up about the way you're behaving towards me.
Yeah.
You've got some issues I'd like to talk and discuss with you about.
By the way, mate, where are you from?
Oh.
Where were you?
What country are you from?
Is your accent a little bit funny?
America.
It's like an Australian version of Inglourious.
We can't say the name of that film, can we?
Can't we?
Not even if we say Sturds.
No.
It's like an Australian version of that Quentin Tarantino film.
Where are they from in that film?
Well, there's a brilliant scene where they all try and suss each other's fake accents.
Oh, right.
They're all pretending to be, uh, Charmaine.
Yeah.
Is that an enjoyable film?
Yeah.
Yeah, well done.
So listen, ladies and gentlemen, I think that it's time we launched the nation's favourite feature, don't you?
I definitely doodles.
Here's the jingle.
Text the nation.
Text, text, text, text the nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text.
So one of my favourite little blogs that I like to visit is called Ultra Culture, run by a young man called Charlie Line.
It's a very good opinionated movie blog and he's done on it this week, Manifesto for Cinema Going.
And he makes some quite good points about what gets annoying about cinemas.
One of his points is the following.
Screens in cinema should always be 70% as wide as the auditorium.
Yeah, he's quite specific with his commands on the blog Ultra Culture, but there he's complaining about, you know, you pay money for a cinema and then you get into a room that's smaller than your front room with a screen that's only just larger than your telly.
Has that ever happened?
Yes, you get filtered off down the sides.
It's like you go to a cinema complex and you think, wow, they've got 20 screens here.
And you realize that about
10 of them are, yes.
All of them sometimes, like they used to be a giant screen and then little ones, but the giant screens have become uneconomical.
So they've sliced and diced them up and often they're all really kind of tiny.
Plus you get a sound bleeding across from some of the other screens in those things as well.
So anyway, we were going to, with your help listeners, put together a sort of a 10-point cinema manifesto, and we're going to take this manifesto and we're going to distribute it to all major cinema chains.
And if they don't obey the laws, then everyone who listens to this show will boycott those chains.
Yeah, it's going to be, it's less of a case of Odeon and more of a case of Odeom.
Nice.
EAT OUR MANIFESTO!
Nice!
Was his name Oscar Deutsch?
Yeah, Oscar Deutsch entertains our nation, I think that's what Odian stood for.
Take this, Oscar Deutsch!
Maybe that's going too far, maybe that's against the big British castle rules.
We can't encourage listeners to boycott any kind of company, but we can mobilise Black Squadron.
That's right.
I mean, Black Squadron are beneath the radar.
They're above the law.
What are Black Squadron going to do exactly?
Something involving toast and eggs in their mouths.
I don't know, they're gonna go loaded with all their various bits of black squadron equipment.
They're gonna do some hideous subterfuge on cinemas.
Anyway, so text us on 64046 with things that you'd like fixed about the cinema.
Here's one of the things I'd like fixed.
I think they should bring back boxes.
In the old days, boxes in theatres were for very posh people, right?
You'd have your own little sort of balcony, private area.
I think they should be sound-proofed.
and glass and they should put idiots in them.
Do you know what I mean?
But then the idiots would have to pay extra, wouldn't they?
Yeah, but maybe the idiot boxes, which is what they'd be called, would be cheaper.
That's an interesting angle though.
You're putting the idiots in the exclusive area.
Yeah, so that they're soundproof, so they can misbehave and text and chat and stuff and moon or puke on the inside of the glass as much as they want.
They'd be behind the civilized people.
Have you seen much mooning in the cinema recently?
Well, I'm just thinking if you put someone in a glass box they tend to moon.
Either that or press the boobs up against it.
Yeah.
It's a natural human response.
That's a nice thing though, they should have a separate box for that.
Well, you could turn the other way in your seat, like your son.
Yes, exactly.
Hey, speaking of which, Joe is just checking the ratings regulations.
Yeah, someone sent us in a little text pertaining to Adam's story about his kids in the cinema.
It's from Chris in Sterling.
Dear Adam and Joe, sorry to say that the minimum age for a 12A film is 8.
Parental discretion only applies to kids aged 8 to 12.
I didn't know.
The authorities have been informed, we'll be in touch in due course.
Flipping heck.
So, Count Buckley's is gonna be clanked up.
I'm a law-breaker, taking my kids to sea, films they shouldn't see, like Harry Potter and the blue prams.
It's a child abuse, man.
Isn't it?
Is it?
Yeah, NSPCC.
Wow, you really took it to an extreme... Well, you've abused your children's imagination by showing them dragons.
Scary dragons at too young an age.
Yeah.
They didn't have any nightmares though, they just slept very soundly.
My most treasured cinematic memories are films that hideously traumatised me at a young age.
It wasn't hideously traumatic in any way.
You know, they were more hideously traumatised by Coraline than they were by the...
Half-Blood Prance.
I tell you what else I'd get rid of in cinema, going, uh, pick and mix.
What?
What's the problem with that?
Well, those pick and mix bags.
Right.
They're so noisy.
They're so big.
They're like sleeves.
You have to plunge most of your arm into them to get to the sweets.
What are you... I think... And they're very crinkly.
Right.
Cloth bags.
Silky or cloth bags.
Hessian sacks.
Yeah.
That don't make any noise when you go for a sweet.
No wrap sweets.
Mm-hmm.
No, no cellophane.
All sweets served in cloth bags.
It's the kind of thing I'm looking for.
So presumably you've got a big popcorn problem then, haven't you?
With people crunching popcorn.
A little bit, I suppose, but it's traditional popcorn.
What about slurping of drinks?
Doesn't bother me, really.
When you get down to the bottom of the cup, you mean, you bring up the dregs.
And people slooshing around their ice.
I like slooshing.
I mean, it's not a big problem.
What are you eating when you go?
Do you take a snack in there?
I like minstrels.
Yeah.
Uh, and some water.
Nice bit of water.
That's nice.
I like, what are the other ones?
But hang on, this is just what you like.
It's got to be, you've got to give me attitude, opinion.
Oh, right.
I'll tell you what I don't like.
Yes.
Oh, God, I don't know.
Phones, mobile phones.
Yes, good.
Now, I'll tell you what I would get rid of, right?
The orange ads.
I mean, that's a very old... Well, they've got a new one up there now, the Juliette Lewis one.
Have you seen that one?
No.
Ah, it's very dense.
It's a treatment store.
They've tried to pack a lot of jokes in.
Flipping heck.
It makes me want to kill people.
None of those Orange Ads is exciting.
It was a point very well made in Peepshow, I think, by David Mitchell's character.
You can tell the people who haven't been to the cinema for two years because they're the ones laughing at the Orange Ads.
Yes.
I watched that film State of Play the other day.
Oh yeah, how was that?
It's got the man from the Orange Ads in it.
Has it?
Yeah.
really popped me out of the story when he walked in.
That guy's a bit in trouble, really.
Anyway, we'd like to hear your ideas, listeners, for what you would have on your cinema manifesto, what things you would ban, and we can also have like what things you would enforce as well.
Yeah, any kind of rules.
I mean, remember our gig manifesto we did and how effective that's been.
It's totally changed the gig experience.
Yeah, for people.
Here's a bit of Joe Strummer for you right now.
This is Coma Girl.
That's Sir Joe Strummer with Comer Girl.
This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music on a Saturday morning.
Welcome along listeners if you've just joined us.
We're very happy to have you listening.
You know, what would it be like if no one was listening at all?
I mean then we'd seem pretty stupid.
Nah, it would be the same, wouldn't it?
You're right.
Exactly the same.
We'd just be sat here.
I'd swear more.
Would you?
Yeah.
Do you miss swearing?
I do a bit.
You like to swear, don't you?
I find it useful in expressing myself.
I swear less now that I've been doing this show, I think.
Do you?
Yeah, because I'm more... It's a good discipline, isn't it?
Yeah.
Good discipline.
We shouldn't even talk about it, though, because the dirty words will pop into our heads and then they'll accidentally come out and then there'll be a scandal and then we'll get fired.
Then we'll get Saturdays off.
That's what you're aiming for, isn't it?
Extra half a day off, mate.
It's a beautiful day out there, mate.
It's lovely.
You going surfing later?
Of course I'm going surfing.
Have you waxed your tinny board?
Yeah, my tinny board's all completely hairless.
Yeah, beautiful.
Lovely.
What kind of a wave are you hoping for?
One of the wavy curly ones.
Oh, they're my favourite.
What I like to do is I like to surf right out and wait for a big one to come along.
And then what I do is I stand up on my surfboard and I surf down the middle of the wave.
I call it a tube, it resembles a tube.
I call it that too.
I surf down the middle.
And then what tends to happen is photographers take photos of me and cameramen take camera pictures of me and they put me in documentaries about sexy surfers.
Now what I've got is a little cameraman on the tip of my board.
Have you mate?
Do you put the footage on YouTube?
Yeah I do.
Brilliant.
And it's super fast.
It takes like about a thousand frames a minute.
One time I was surfing and I fell off my board.
Wow.
Wild.
What happened?
Nothing else?
Did you get back on?
I did, I got... Oh mate!
No, actually I paddled back into the shore.
You paddled?
Were you on a bike?
Had a bit of a sit down.
It's gone, Sam, definitely could.
Had a sit down on the beach, mate.
Did you, and you pedaled in, you were on a bike.
Did you use a bike?
No, I was on a surfboard, mate.
You said you pedaled.
Where are you from?
I don't know.
Listen, let's focus.
You were going to tell us something about... I feel the moments passed.
Do you?
I might save it.
Do another record.
You're going to do a free play right now.
My friend Danny made me a compilation this summer and I haven't had a compilation made for me for a very long time.
And Danny really puts the work in.
He's one of these people that does the cover art and he lays it out.
What was the cover art on this one?
It was to do quite serious cover art.
Yeah, he said of a joke.
He no no He's it's pretty serious like he'd sourced pictures of all the featured artists right and made a little compilation right like and now that's what I call music kind of thing Yeah population and it was beautifully laid out lovely track listing and everything and he'd really put some label on the CD Sure, really printed label into play because that can let a compilation down you do a beautiful sleeve then you open it and it's just duh and
Sharpie on the CD.
Direct printing onto the CD surface itself.
I mean, it was just exemplary.
He's from a family of printers.
He is, yeah.
That's true.
So, you know, he's got a little head start, but it was wonderful.
And it was one of those tracks.
We played the compilation one evening when we were on holiday and we played it from start to finish.
And it was just a very coherent, enjoyable musical journey.
A few things that I already knew, but they were nice because I was sort of rediscovering them.
Hadn't heard them for a long time.
It was nice to hear them again.
And then a couple of nuggets that I'd never heard before, which were wonderful.
Sat very well.
It was sounding a bit like Zane though there.
Yeah.
When you said comprehensive musical journey, a little bit of your Australian accent was still in there.
Oh yeah.
Spatchcock.
Anyway, this was a track that I hadn't heard before by Kevin Ayres that popped up on Danny's compilation, and it's quite odd, but it's enjoyable.
I hope you like it, listeners.
This is Town Feeling.
just sounded comically dufferish yeah thanks so listen do you Adam Buxton do you watch a lot of BBC three you know what I don't anymore what I feel as if it's no longer my target because they rejected your pilot no that's not the reason
Well, they have some problems with their comedy outputs, BBC 3 maybe, some people might say, you know, problems the wrong word, controversy, Horne and Cordon, stuff like that, you know.
It does very well there.
It does very well, but some people are angry about it, but I tell you what they do very well is
youth documentaries.
They do really good youth documentaries that go on for hours, like there was one something called Man or Chicken or something testing the prowess of young men that went on, that seemed to go on in sort of two-hour segments, but because there's no commercial breaks
they can do really satisfying sort of teen documentaries.
And they seem to have a thing going.
I think they might be working in consort with the government.
They seem to be making a documentary about every single teenager in Britain, one by one, going through the entire populace and kind of trying to fix them.
They're starting with the most idiotic ones.
I think Channel 4 might have started this actually, and BBC 3 have now taken over the kind of task.
Well, the classic in the genre was the Chris Needham one years ago.
Yes.
What was that one?
In Bed With Madonna?
No?
No, that's Bob Mills.
What was it about?
You know the one I'm talking about, though?
In Bed With... The guy... The Madonna fan.
Or was that years and years ago?
I think I keep talking.
Anyway, the Chris Needham one was the Heavy Metal guy.
Right.
Do you remember that one?
Yeah, it was called something... The title was a riff on In Bed With Madonna.
they did that was a follow-up one in bed with Chris Needham right but the original one anyway I love that kind of thing I love a documentary about a really endearingly thick teenager who kind of has to come face to face with their problems there was another one on BBC three called
Oh God, I can't remember any of the names, but people who were like addicted to junk food and they were taken to see the junk food manufactured, who were like addicted to label clothing and they were taken to Indonesia to see the sweatshops where the clothing was made, stuff like that.
Anyway, there was one on the other day called Young Dumb and Living Off Mum.
And they took a group of teenagers who were particularly dumb and dependent on their parents, stuck them in a big house and gave them tasks.
And the winner was going to be the one that was the most adult who'd grown up the most by the end.
And how long were they in there for?
Weeks and weeks and weeks.
Yeah.
But every episode was about an hour and a half and it was very satisfying.
No commercial breaks.
You could get really absorbed in their trials.
So it's like a condensed big brother.
Yeah, it was extraordinary.
And they came across an amazing girl, aged about 18, called Danielle, who looked like sort of the ghost of a young Vanessa Feltz.
She'd done her face up to look really weirdly pale.
Yeah.
And she had huge blonde hair and she was very, very ditzy, but in a really entertaining and kind of charming way.
One of the tasks she was given was to go into a primary school, teach the kids a history lesson and then perform a play based on that history lesson at the end of the day to the students and pupils.
So the subject Danielle chose to do the play on was the tragic death of Princess Diana.
Nice subject.
Now, she was 18, so she must have been about five or six when that actually happened, the terrible tragedy.
So she can be excused for not knowing too many of the details of what happened, right?
Yeah.
But she did some online research to back up her facts.
But despite her online research, she still got some of the hard, cold truths of Diana's accident a bit wrong.
Here's a clip of a little bit of one of her lessons.
Listen to this.
Right.
How did Princess Diana tragically die?
Yeah.
She crashed into the Eiffel Tower.
Her car crashed into the Eiffel Tower.
Yeah, that is correct.
Well done.
It would have been better, don't you think, if she'd crashed right into the Eiffel Tower?
And the top had just toppled down.
I mean, not better in any other way, but obviously, yeah.
It would be more... less... oh, dear.
So she gets a bit embarrassed about that, a teacher intercedes and tries to correct the facts.
Yeah.
And listen to Danielle kind of trying to come to terms emotionally with the impact that the crash must have had on Diana's family.
Listen to this bit.
That must have hit her son bad, mustn't it?
Whoa.
I mean, that is, if you're taking the temperature of the nation's youth, that's a pretty savage indictment.
Can we just hear that one more time?
That must have hit her son bad, mustn't it?
Bad one.
Must have hit her son bad.
Yeah, had a terrible impact on her children, is what she's saying.
Must have hit her son bad.
But that's okay, you know, she's emotionally engaging with it then.
Maybe she was rendered inarticulate by the emotion.
Exactly.
So she corrals the kids together, they start rehearsing their play about the death of Diana.
And there's still a couple of factual inaccuracies.
This is the kids going through the cast list.
This is them describing who's in the car when the crash happens.
Welcome to the Princess Diana show.
Princess Diana died in a tragic car accident by a murderer.
This is the car driver for Princess Diana.
This is?
Diana's husband.
This is the murderer.
So Prince Charles is in the car and also the murderer is in the car.
I mean, this is a good idea for a series in itself, though, isn't it?
Just getting children to do half remembered versions of the history.
Well, I always thought the news would be better staged by kids, just generally.
But that's, you know, little kids, they've got a really positive attitude to murder.
Yeah, the murder.
Well, it's exciting.
They love all that stuff.
They love war and the army and all that kind of miserable stuff.
So you would have thought someone might have interceded there and explained to Danielle that, you know, the whole murder thing is a pretty unsubstantiated conspiracy theory that's probably not true.
And even if it was true, it's doubtful the murderer would actually be sitting in the car and also that Charles wasn't in the car, etc.
And they didn't crash into the Eiffel Tower.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But so here's the final performance of the Diana show.
This is the finished play.
I think BBC Three might have cut around this a little for taste and decency purposes.
But when all the kids giggle, what's happening on screen is they're performing the crash.
OK, that's just a little note.
But here's the finished production of Danielle's Diana show.
Wow.
Welcome to the Princess Diana shine.
Princess Diana gets into the car.
Mommy, I'm going to be lying.
Princess Diana is dead.
The end.
I mean, that's how I remember it.
It's sort of amazing, though, isn't it, that just over 10 years later, that kind of thing is being screamed.
Well, it's a terrifying sort of warning of how factual inaccuracy can very quickly become dangerous historical revisionism.
That's true.
That's exactly what it is.
This is why facts are important, because very quickly the fact inaccuracies pass down the generations.
Yeah.
But that's quite moving, isn't it?
That is a sobering little piece of documentary there.
Thank you very much for bringing it to our attention.
Pleasure.
Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.
It's just exactly 10.30 and it's time for the news.
That's MGMT with kids.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
Have you seen the video for that?
They just finished a video.
It's taken them about nine months.
The scary ones.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I saw that a little while ago, actually.
The baby being traumatised by the monster.
It's a pretty unsettling video.
Yeah, it's very odd.
And most of the comments underneath it on YouTube were, how could the mother of that child expose her kid to such hideous... Because basically it's these freaky, cartoony monsters, but they're done with weird, rubbery, freaky masks.
And they're sort of tormenting a little baby in a cradle.
And the baby appears to be bursting into tears.
And then the mum picks up the baby and walks down the street.
A mum played by Joanna Newsom.
And all the people they pass in the street are all hideous, mutated, freaky monsters.
And the kid's still bawling.
It's kind of odd.
We showed it at Bug the other day.
What kind of a response did it get?
Well, the audience was laughing.
And they sort of found it funny, but it was an uncomfortable laughter.
And a lot of people came up to me afterwards and said they found it irresponsible.
No, sort of an unpleasant view.
I mean, the director, Ray Tintore, insists that the child was not traumatised.
I'm sure they took great care, yeah.
But still, it's worth a look anyway, see what you think.
Listen, let's get in on the debate and then contact us here at the show and let off some steam.
That's what it's all about.
Okay, let's get into textination right now.
Here's the jingle.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
Text the Nation listeners this week is all about cinema rules.
You know we're putting together a cinema manifesto that we're going to issue to all major cinemas in the British Isles and if they don't obey it then Black Squadron are going to perform a top secret operation to bring them down.
I thought you were going to say perform a topless ballet.
Well they might do that as well.
That would be nice.
That's just for us though.
So what kind of stuff have we got coming in?
We've got some very good ideas coming in from the listeners, Adam.
I'll read some out to you right now.
Why don't you do that, John?
Go, now, go.
Here's one from Paul Gledhill in Maidenhead.
He says, all popcorn should be pre-crushed or chewed so as not to be so loud.
That is not practical, Paul.
Come on, it's good.
So you'd order popcorn and then the guy behind the counter, yeah, £2.50 please, and then he'd eat it.
He'd chew it up and feed it to you like a bird.
And then regurgitate it back into a paper tarp.
Like a bird feeding its little chicks.
I mean, it would take time and it would be physically revolting and it would render the popcorn inedible.
it would reduce the crunching noise in the auditorium.
It seems like a fairly extreme thing to do just to... Well, it's being considered for the manifesto.
Here's the thing.
Here's the problem I foresee, right?
And this, tell me if this is being too niggly.
I don't think most people would like to have popcorn, to eat popcorn that's already been eaten and regurgitated by a guy.
Well, they're disease free.
It's okay.
They'd be checked for disease.
Oh, would they?
before.
Yeah, they'd be medically clean.
So it's fine.
That's fine.
That's a good idea.
Good idea.
Here's another one from Matt in Lancaster.
Cinemas should not show adverts that are also on TV.
This is a good, that's a good idea.
Don't you think?
Yes.
This is for the single reason that people still laugh at the inanity
consequently ruining the experience for everyone.
I think it diminishes the cinema-going experience anyway because somewhere in the back of your head it reduces the grand, wonderful dream portal that is the cinema screen into the same... drags it down to the same level as the tele.
Yes, exactly.
No, it's nice to have a unique cinema going experienced, to see ads there that you wouldn't see anywhere else.
So that's a good rule.
That's definitely a good candidate for the manifesto.
Here's another very good one from Gary Chamberlain.
Cinemas should have headphone sockets in the seats like they have on airlines.
I can never understand why they've never done this.
It can't be that expensive.
It beats listening to some cretinous 15 year old on his phone or someone behind you guzzling nachos at deafening volume.
It probably is that expensive though, wouldn't you think?
Just a couple of little wires.
Yeah, but that would be expensive.
I'll do it.
Really?
You go around and fit them all.
I mean, it's a brilliant idea.
It's a good idea.
You have the little quarter inch jack socket there.
Is it quarter inch?
I'm not sure.
Anyway, and so you can plug, you can just bring in your own headphones.
Surround sound headphones as well.
Higher headphones or buy them or anything like that.
You can just plug them in.
Because if 3D takes off, everyone, you know, people might have their own glasses.
They're talking about doing that.
You'll buy your, you know, some Ray-Ban 3D specs.
Right.
So why not go the whole hog and have the headphones as well?
You could have them built into the glasses, right?
Yeah.
Could you go quarter hog?
Yeah.
Okay, all right.
Here's one.
I'm trying to find a really good one.
A-bom-bom-bom-bom.
That's Joe Filling, isn't it?
A-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom.
I should have failed for him, but I just wanted to listen now and then.
This is from Tom in Loughborough.
A-bom-bom-bom.
That's just a bit for free.
Hide Dr. Buckles and Mr. Cornballs.
When the film is on, the cinema should be engulfed in utter darkness.
The only light in the room should be from the projector.
A lot of multiplexes leave the lights on these days and I don't like having my film experience ruined when I accidentally look down and catch a glimpse of my stupid legs and knees.
That's true.
And you know, that's one thing that's very different when you go abroad and when you're on the continent and in the States, they plunge you into total darkness.
They've got much hairier knees as well, so they're less light reflective.
Exactly.
And you can get up to all sorts of different things in the cinema.
It's true.
It's health and safety mad Britain.
Absolutely.
Darkness is illegal, right?
It's illegal for it to be dark.
It's nice, I like it to be so dark that you stumble around, you break a few people's feet and stuff like that, press your hands into their faces.
And definitely, and sometimes if you're unlucky enough to get sat right underneath one of the very bright lights there, or an exit sign, emergency exit sign, sometimes they give out more light than the sun!
Disgusting.
One more last one.
This is from Dave and Mike.
This has taken two brains to concoct.
Hi Adam and Jo.
Seats should be magnetised to stop people going to the toilet more than once and to stop people leaving five minutes from the end.
Well, each... I haven't finished yet.
Each seat should have a noise sensor and if someone makes too much noise an electric shock is delivered.
We like your thinking, Dave and Mike.
It's the kind of thing we like, I like.
It's a little bit woolly, though, isn't it?
Well, flesh isn't magnetic.
Well, that's the thing.
So how would you actually... Unless you insert metal plates in people's butok in.
As they head to the cinema.
Yeah, make them eat like a lead snack.
That would be doable, wouldn't it?
Oh no, I think insert them into the butots.
An iron snack.
There's no nerve endings there, are there?
Just an incision at the top of each buttock.
Wouldn't it be better to avoid slipping plates into people's bottom area?
Stitch it up.
Wouldn't it be better just to have little wee wee bags on the seats?
Um, no, it wouldn't be.
Come on.
I mean, you, you know, bladder capacity is related to height.
Is it?
I read that the other day.
No, you.
Yes.
So shorter people have smaller bladders.
Is that true?
Yeah, certainly applies to me.
Yeah.
So maybe smaller people should go towards the back.
A little wee bag.
What's wrong with a wee bag?
Well, what do you do with it after?
People in the cinema, because it's dark, people think they have carte blanche to drop things on the floor.
I mean, it would be bad if you got it confused with your Pepsi.
Yeah, they dropped it on the floor, then the other bloke gets up to go to the loo and steps on it and it bursts.
Well, you somehow build it into the seat.
Right, well why not go the whole Bunwellian hog and just have lavvy seats?
Why is it with you and hogs?
I'm crazy about hogs.
Why don't they go all the way over all these hogs?
My favourite film is Wild Hogs.
We're going to come back and hear some more of your suggestions.
Keep them coming in.
64046 is the text number.
Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk is the email.
Here's a Mercury Prize-nominated artist right now.
This is Speech to Bell with Spinnin'.
speech to Belle with her single Spinnin'.
And full coverage of the Mercury Prize Awards starts at 7pm on Tuesday night here on BBC 6 Music with Guy Garvey and Elbow talking about winning the prize last year.
When we won the prize, I was so pleased.
I did not expect the prize.
Then I got it, I got it and I ate it.
It was nice.
Now will I get another one?
And Steve LaMax live at the presentation talking to the nominees and bringing you the announcement of the winner live.
Oh, I don't know what that's going to sound like.
He'll actually be hanging from the roof of the venue, and he will be drinking the blood of Melanie of the nominees that night.
The audience will be covered in lamak droppings.
What are they called?
What are lamak droppings called?
Guano.
That's right, guano.
What are lamak droppings called?
Guano bats, no.
Oh, I don't know.
Oh, dear.
Now, listen, folks, you're listening to Adam and Jo here on BBC.
I've got a thing to talk to you about.
I know I was handing you over.
I was doing a lot.
Do it, do it, do it.
Here's Jo.
Nice.
So what do you find, Adam Buxton, any adverts?
Do you find the music on any adverts on telly so annoying that you have to switch them off?
There used to be one ages ago, a few years back, for some kind of flu remedy that had screaming in the middle.
Yes, we talked about that on this show, I think.
It was really weird.
It was just someone going... Halfway through the song.
Here's my two least favourite bits of advert music.
The first one is... Can we play that one, Eliza's Dream?
Do you recognise this music?
Oh yeah.
Doesn't this drive you nuts?
It does.
Would you want this woman doing your banking?
No, everything about it makes me want to hurt the woman.
And then it's accompanied by sort of really teeth edgy kind of animation.
Somehow they've made the animation as sort of creepy as the music.
Well, they're going for the quirk factor, aren't they?
But they've got they've they've done over quirk and it's very annoying.
I've overquoked it.
OK, what about what about this?
Who is that by?
Do you know who that's by?
It's by some sort of proper composer.
It's a proper song that probably is quite meaningful and nice.
That's now been ruined.
Mm-hmm by the dirty admin by the dirty bank man, but here's another amazing song that's been ruined by the dirty admin Do you like it when this song starts?
Don't play the whole flipping thing.
I've cut it out before the sell.
Oh my goodness.
I've got me crunch.
Is that still for the same product, the yogurt corner thing?
Yeah, the fruity yogurt tray.
I mean, it's a nightmare, isn't it?
The original Nina Simone track is all I'm going to play in a second.
Are you?
Yeah, I hadn't really heard the original Nina Simone track.
Are you playing the one where she talks about her boobies?
No, it's a live version and it's actually only it's it's I think two songs from the musical hair stuck together her song but it's a proper moving emotional song about civil rights and about racial repression and when it bursts into that sort of joyful chorus at the end it's only after a lot of quite you know dark and meaningful stuff yes and I think it's being you know marginally trivialized
Yeah, but there's a great tradition of that happening.
I heard the other day on... What was it?
On Moyles' show, in fact.
They were playing Perfect Day.
So here's Perfect Day by Lou Reed.
But it wasn't the original version.
It was that monstrous version they had a few years back with everyone taking one line.
What was that in aid of?
I can't remember.
It was just a BBC promotion.
It was just an ad for the BBC one.
Yeah, and they played the whole track.
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Remember that Leslie Garrett there?
And who's it?
Six Musics very own fun loving criminal Huey's on there as well.
I felt like someone else, someone good.
Yeah, that's disgraceful.
All that stuff.
And that was, I mean, at the time it was bizarre that the BBC was using that song, which is about being a heroin addict, as a promotion for the whole big British castle.
It seemed bizarre.
Do you know Nina Simone's coming back?
Big comeback.
You see, coming from the grave.
Yeah, because Al Pacino has resurrected her digitally and she's going to be called Nina Simone.
Nice.
That's a very obscure joke.
Anyway, look, I thought I'd play that record so you could hear what it's like properly.
And the same happens when you listen to this.
It's brilliant up until the fruity yogurt snack moment when you can't help but envisage middle-aged housewives doing cartwheels in fields.
But here it is.
This is from 1968.
This is Nina Simone with I Got Life.
Ian Brown with Stellify.
I didn't listen properly to that track, but what is to Stellify?
I don't.
It's to make something stellar.
You know what?
I was reading Texanations as well.
I wasn't really paying attention either.
Both of us were not properly paying attention.
At least we're honest about it.
To the Ian Brown track there.
Sorry about that.
Can we just move on?
Do we have to define Stellify?
What if we just listen?
This is just a suggestion that we just ignore it and just carry on.
I see what you mean.
OK, fair enough.
I'm going to run with that.
Actually, I was thinking of rolling with it, but then I thought I'd run with it.
Instead, here's a track that I tried to play last week as a free play, right, listeners?
But the CD got stuck, and it's from an album by Wild Beasts.
They hail from Kendall, I believe, and their album Two Dancers, which has just come out, is really, really good.
Do you remember I described it as a widescreen sound?
Actually got that phrase from the PR notes.
that came with the album.
But actually it was one of the few times when those notes, which are usually pretty ludicrous, was actually right on the money.
It's a great album and I hope you enjoy this track, which is a weird combination of sounds.
His voice is very obviously like Billy McKenzie from The Associates, but then they've also got that kind of... Stellified.
Very bright, stellified guitar sound that you would associate with U2 or something.
I don't know.
It's a good mix though.
Hope you like this.
This is We Still Got The Taste Dancing On Our Tongues by Wildbeast.
That's good stuff, man.
Is that by the Lloydsback Lady?
Could be, couldn't it?
It's good, I liked it.
That was Wild Beasts with We Still Got the Taste dancing on our tongues from their album Two Dancers.
This is Adam and Jo here at BBC Six Music.
A great pleasure to be here with you this Saturday afternoon.
It's just a little time check for you.
It's just gone.
It's coming up to six minutes past 11 here in London town.
Beautiful sunny day outside.
Don't know what you got planned.
You might like to give us a call.
Let us know what you got planned for the weekend.
Gordon Brown, can we still trust him?
Why can't he be straight with the country?
Alistair Darling, can Britain really spend its way out of recession?
And the Millennium Dome, is it a big white elephant?
Or not.
Give us a call.
Let us know what you think.
That's pathetic.
OK, made up jokes time, right?
Made up jokes?
Yeah, let's have the jingle.
I'm a funny person.
I often make up jokes.
My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks.
When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree.
Come on, you're all invited to a made up joke party.
Yeah, Made Up Jokes listeners is the part of the show where we ask you to send us your Made Up Jokes.
It couldn't be simpler really, but they do have to be made up.
They have to be things you've invented.
They can't be jokes you heard a long time ago and now think you made up.
They've got to be really creative and created.
And we have got a bank of experts here at the Big British Castle that vet all of these jokes, apply various stringent algorithms to them, and only the Made Up ones get through.
I've always wanted to say that.
Here's one from Robin in Manchester.
He says, My wife Wendy has made up this terrible, terrible joke.
So he's palming it off immediately on Wendy there.
Wendy.
Worst of all, she seems really pleased with herself.
This tends to happen if you make up a joke.
Generally, it's a good feeling.
Whenever someone says their wife's called Wendy, I just always picture their husband like lolloping around the house with an axe.
Wendy!
You're gonna say like Wendy looking really timid and frightened in a corner I thought you're gonna say you hear that she's called Wendy and you picture the husband flying around in green tights Yes, like Peter Pan.
No, I don't That's what I picture.
Anyway, here's Wendy's joke This is about she basically says it's not even in the form of like a joke.
Good.
Good
A promiscuous bird keeps singing Frank Sinatra songs.
Oh dear.
Igrets, I've had a few.
Look, so our beautiful assistant, Anthony, is putting her head in her hat.
She is chuckling.
Good job, Wendy.
Have you got one there, Joe?
Yeah, I've got one here from Jim in Chesterfield.
The other week, a Native American friend of mine ran out of coffee filters and was forced to use his shoe to brew up.
Upon hearing this, the local beverage-loving priest described it as a mocha sin.
I like the fact that he has to wangle in the fact that he's the beverage-loving priest.
Yeah, that's good.
The more unbalanced they are, the better.
That's good, Jim.
You know, nobody laughed.
No, it's not that good.
Well, no, it is good because we were happy.
It made us happy.
It didn't make us happy.
And sometimes happiness is about more than mere.
Just laughing.
Laughter.
Here's one from... Who's this from?
This is Anonymous.
Well, you'll understand why when you hear it.
My made-up joke goes like this.
So I hear Amy... I like the conversational ones.
Yes.
So, I hear Amy Winehouse has cancelled her tour of Saudi Arabia.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
They tried to make her go to Riyadh, but she said, no, no, no.
Oh, that's from Joe, it says at the end.
Not you, Joe.
They tried to make her go to re-add.
That's good, that's good, isn't it?
Because it sounds a bit like re-add.
A little bit like it.
A tiny bit like it.
Here's one from Adam in Saffron Walden.
What do you call a heavy metal band that has to really meticulously set up their instruments and make sure everything is neat and tidy on stage?
OCDC.
That's good.
Is that made up?
That's too good, maybe.
That's too good.
OCDC.
Have you got more?
I've got one more.
Check this out.
This is from Sean Curtis.
A group of chess players were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
But why?
They asked as they moved off.
Because, said the manager, I can't stand chestnuts boasting in an open foyer.
That's good.
That is very good.
That is good, Sean Curtis.
We should have saved that one for crinklemas.
I mean, that's amazing.
Brilliant.
We can haul that one out at Christmas again.
People would have forgotten.
If you've got a made up joke and you have to have thought of it yourself, and the way to make that clear is for the joke to be really pretty awful and tortured, but for there to be some structural thing happening in it.
Because I can't stand chestnuts boasting in an open foyer.
It's not in most joke books that you can open.
Then send your joke to adamandjo.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk and every single joke we read out will win nothing.
It will win absolutely nothing Bernie, it will save the life of the fairy.
Here's the Zutons with Valerie.
We've got some good made up jokes coming in already on the text but a lot of people are complaining there that the chest one is not a made up joke, it's an oldie and we do rely on our listeners to out liars.
What?
I don't believe that's an oldie.
Three or four people have texted in and said one person says it's been on TV before.
It's a fairly famous one that's even been on TV.
Chestnuts?
Boasting in an open foyer.
Yes.
Sean Curtis, get in touch for goodness sake to defend your good name.
I mean, maybe if we did find, you know, if we prove that someone had deliberately lied, then we could get them into the studio and get some Black Squadron members in and have a live punishment.
Tickle.
A tickle.
I mean, tickling can be dangerous.
We'll have to check the castle rules.
We've already established that if Black Squadron tickled you, it could be deadly.
Well, they're above the law.
Exactly.
They can tickle you on the NFI, on the Butox.
But what if there were some people from the cinema we were talking about earlier that had steel plates in their Butox?
Then they wouldn't be sensitive to the tickling.
They would be immune from the tickling.
Anyway, we can deal with this later on.
But yeah, keep your jokes coming in, especially through the week.
You know, if you're listening to the podcast as well and you want to keep some coming in there, then make sure you do so.
Now, I've been reading a book by Roald Dahl to my children recently, and you know, Roald Dahl continues to be a favorite author for children all over the world.
Well done, Roald.
Did you like Roald as I used to call him?
Yeah, I used to love Roald.
Did you ever read Danny Champion of the World?
That's one I never read, no.
Well, it was one that was always talked about by my contemporaries at school.
And I never read it myself when I was growing up.
But I remembered our friend Mark particularly saying how much he loved it.
And I thought, oh, yeah, I should read that.
I should get that for the boys.
And it's sort of oddly dated because it's about a father and son who are involved with poaching pheasants, right, one way or another.
And they kind of gang up against this nasty local landowner and teach him a lesson by doing some poaching shenanigans.
But the backbone of the story is the relationship between the father... I'm seeing Mel Smith.
as the local landowner.
Yeah.
Well, there was a film adaptation of it.
With an actor and his son, was it?
I think Jeremy Irons was in one film adaptation.
Yeah, and his real son played Danny, didn't he?
Possibly.
Anyway, I haven't seen the film, but in the book, the relationship between the father and the son is absolutely key.
And it's a sort of utopian depiction of what that relationship might be.
So as a father reading this to your sons, you're forced to feel a little bit like you're coming up short as a father when you're reading it, right?
But why?
What kind of things is rolled saying?
Well, just the extent to which the son idolises his father, because the book is told from the point of view of Danny, the son, right?
And he just talks non-stop about how perfect his father is the whole time.
The mother is dead in the book, so it's just him and his dad living in the caravan.
So she's off the hook.
She's off the hook, no problem.
It's all on the dad.
And they just live in this caravan.
They don't have a TV or anything.
No sort of serious mod cons.
They just live this life totally disconnected from DS's and tellies and all those other things.
Well, it was written probably in the 70s, wasn't it?
It was, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But so they just make up their own entertainment and every day is a wonderful rollercoaster ride of wonder and fantastical things thanks to Danny's dad.
And as I was reading it, like I was sort of embarrassed reading it to my son because I fell so far short of this ideal that had been set up by Roald Dahl.
So what I've done is I've I'm going to read you like a paragraph from the book, a real paragraph from Danny Champion of the World.
And then you have to see where I've slightly added the reality of my own fatherhood onto the end, okay?
So here's a bit from Danny Champion of the World by Roald Dahl.
I really loved those morning walks to school with my father.
We talked practically the whole time.
Mostly, it was just he who talked and I who listened, and just about everything he said was fascinating.
He was a true countryman.
The fields, the streams, the woods, and all the creatures who lived in these places were a part of his life.
Although he was a mechanic by trade and a very fine one, I believe he could have become a great naturalist if only he had had good schooling.
Long ago he had taught me the names of all the trees and the wildflowers and all the grasses that grow in the fields, all the birds too I could name, not only by citing them but by listening to their calls and their songs.
Then one day, my father was arrested for poaching, and was placed in the care of a short— I was placed in the care of a short stocky man with a beard, who insisted I call him either Buck-ulies or Dr. Buckles, although he was not really a doctor.
He said that he didn't have time to walk me to school, because he was working on important jingles, and from now on he would drive me instead.
I tried to ask him the names of the trees and plants we passed as we drove, but he couldn't tell me what a single one was called.
Often he was unsure which were actually trees.
I asked him what kind of engine his car had and he said he thought the car took diesel and that it was silver, but that was it.
I asked him about politics and he started mumbling about everything being Al Gore's fault.
After a few days the conversation ran out altogether and we sat in silence on the trips to school.
Then one morning he emerged from the house brandishing a shiny disc which he thrust into the car's CD player.
He turned to me and said, I've made us a simply marvellous compilation to listen to in the car, Danny.
There's some B-sides by Dirty Shirty and the buggernauts.
And there's a few life tracks by Jimmy Big Nuts, Pointy Pinger, and Jihadaway.
I think this is going to be the most wonderful trip to school you've ever taken.
I opened the car door and ran and ran, and I didn't stop running until I was far, far away.
Could you tell where the real story changed and where I came in there?
No, no.
The transition was so smooth.
You wait till you're a father and you read Danny Champion of the World.
You will feel a little bit on the guilty side, I can guarantee.
It's dramatic opposites though, isn't it?
Because he's a poacher, he's a criminal.
But he's a brilliant, lovely criminal.
He's a noble criminal.
So that works well dramatically.
But whereas you are a lazy father who doesn't care as much about his... No, I have to word this carefully.
Yeah, you do.
But you present yourself as a lazy father who's more interested in his own concerns.
Perhaps in those of the children.
The thing that worried me most was the fact that the names of the trees and the birds and stuff like that, you know?
So what would work for you is if you didn't have kids and then you were shouldered with some relatives' kids, you know?
That would then be a good thing and you were forced to learn about parenthood.
Yeah, but why can't the children be interested in Einster's and Annoy Barton and stuff like that?
I could tell them all sorts of things about that.
That's what kids are for.
to destroy you, to kill you.
Yeah, there you go.
Here's some music right now.
This is M.I.A.
with Paper Plane.
That's the Beatles, which she said, she said.
And there's a big week of all Beatles stuff on telly, isn't there, coming up?
Yeah, because they are re-releasing, probably not for the last time.
Every time they re-release the Beatles back catalogue, you think, surely that's it.
But now they always find some new way of re-releasing the whole lot and getting excited about it.
And I'm excited about it, because they always do find new little nuggets.
I mean, it won't be the same when all four of the Beatles are finally no longer with us, you know?
That sad day will come.
When they crash into the Eiffel Tower.
When they crash into the Eiffel Tower, or they get in a car with a murderer, something like that.
But, you know, it's still interesting reading the interviews with Paul McCartney and stuff that are around, and he's talking about
you know, John Lennon not actually being so grumpy as he's made out to be and so acerbic.
Some people are sort of saying, well, John Lennon, you used to really slag off Paul McCartney.
And Paul says, no, no, no, we got on very well.
It was just the way he was.
He would be fast and loose and say crazy old Gallagher style things or Liam Gallagher style things.
And actually, he was a lot
Lennon's overrated anyway.
He couldn't record an album like Pipes of Peace if he tried.
That's right, and he'd be lost with a frog chorus.
He wouldn't know what to do with him.
He'd be absolutely lost.
It's Adam and Jo here on BPC6 Music.
Coming up to our last half hour here this Saturday morning, it's 11.30 and it's time for the news.
mystery jets uh now that's not called two doors down is it yeah yeah yeah really think i'm in love with a girl who lives two doors down that's what they were singing there you go well then it is it is called two doors down this is adam and joan bbc6 music now we were asking for made up jokes and we were sent one
to do with a chess convention.
Sean Curtis sent this in.
Group of chess players standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After an hour, the manager comes out of the office and asks them to disperse.
Why, they ask.
Because, he says, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
I was very, very impressed.
And Chris, his name's Chris Wright.
Sean Curtis.
Sean, his name's Chris Wright.
Sean told us that he'd made that up.
Well, I don't know.
James has clipped the joke out of his email, so we don't have the rest of the email.
But still, that's a terrible lie.
And the rules are very strict here.
He might not have lied, though.
He might have just sent it in.
He said it was made up.
Adam's trying to defend him there.
We've got a flurry of texts and emails presenting evidence that the joke is in fact very old, including this one from Freddie, fraud for exclamation marks.
7,650 Google hits, four chestnuts boasting in an open foyer.
Bring the cheat in for a black squadron tickling.
So this week we are going to try and get in touch with Sean.
We're going to arrange for him to be brought to the station in chains.
And then if all goes according to plan, we will select a Black Squadron member to come into the studio as well.
And then either next week or the week after, depending on how long it takes to arrange, or possibly never, depending on the rules, there will be a sort of a public flogging in the studio, or tickling, not flogging.
And does he have to come and change, or can he come in brushes too?
Change.
yeah now he has to come in chains on the chain couple of chains to come on the chain so there we go um because we don't put up with that kind of thing here at the adam and joe show i can't believe you'd let me down like that boy what are you thinking we got that joke over the summer
So we weren't able to properly... He might not be listening.
He might well have left the country because of... He might have other joke fraud charges currently pending.
He might be doing some international Nigerian joke fraud.
He's the Ronnie Biggs of the joke world.
He's gone off to live in luxury and...
We're going to track him down and we're going to bring him to justice for your benefit listeners.
All right.
Now, here's a free play for you, folks.
This is The New Pornographers.
And I like this song because it's I like this song because I like that.
The reason I like this song is because I like it because it is about archaeologists.
Time's up.
There are not many songs about archaeologists.
And it makes me think of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
This is called The Bones of an Idol by The New Pornographers.
Love that song.
That's The Bones of an Idol by The New Pornographers.
Now, we promised last week that we were going to canvas suggestions for a Song Wars subject from you, the listeners.
They poured into our blog and we have made our decision.
But should we tell people what kind of things were suggested?
Yeah, we had lots of fantastic suggestions on the blog.
Here is, for instance, one that Gary Socrates sent in.
He wanted us to do a song about our favourite animal in the zoo in the style of a 70s prog rock band.
This could then be developed into a concept album along the lines of pictures of an exhibition, except about monkeys, for instance.
That is an idea that we rejected.
He thought it was no good.
It's insanely complicated.
It's good, no, but we didn't think it was no good.
We thought it was brilliant, but it was too much for us.
Here was one from Mike Murr.
He says, I think a sea shanty would be great.
I've got no specific themes in mind.
I'd just love to hear you do a sea shanty, little accordion, perhaps some seagull noises to complete the scene.
Well, I've got a melodica and that would be good for a sea shanty, I think.
I like that suggestion.
There were some very good suggestions.
Here was one of my favourite ones, even though this didn't make it.
Derek Boland wanted a fantasy face-off.
He wanted one of us to play the role of Hoggle from Labyrinth, and another to play the role of Dobby from Harry Potter, Dobby the Howself.
And then they would both throw songs insulting their masters.
To quote, he says, they would throw insults back and forth about whose master is the bigger Ponce.
Jareth, the goblin king from Labyrinth, or Harry Potter from Harry Potter.
Is he really called Jareth?
Jareth.
That would make sense.
What a terrible name.
Like he makes between Jared and Gareth.
And he wanted that sung in a light opera Gilbert and Sullivan style.
I mean, that's a good idea.
We might store that one up in the memory box.
And is he definitely hoggle, not coggle?
No, you were saying Kogel.
What were we saying?
We got it right.
I can't remember.
It's blended in my mind.
We got wrapped on the knuckles before for confusing Kogel and Kogel.
But listen, here is the one we have chosen.
And this was sent in by Rufus Blacklock.
And he wrote, please, Adam and Jo, I need some bath time songs for when I'm in the bath.
Perhaps reggae like Under the Sea in The Little Mermaid?
Please make them bubbly, splooshy, and all watery.
Thanks, says Rufus."
So that had a simplicity that appeals to Adam and I, even though, do you think we're going to come up with quite similar songs?
Probably, yeah.
There's a limited set of experiences in the bath.
The talent for bath time songs.
Yeah.
We should play next week, as well as our songs, we should play a track called Bathtime in Clarkingwell by The Real Tuesday World, which is very good.
It's just instrumental, though.
I think we should try and push ourselves away from the more obvious bath references.
Or maybe not.
Maybe just let it happen.
Why don't you push yourself away from the obvious?
Yeah, you're right.
I was thinking, because the big decision is who you are in the bath.
Are you going to be just yourself?
Or you could be anyone in the bath.
You could be a special person.
No one's your wife.
David's having a bath.
Running the bath and it's bubbling over my bits.
Hey, come on.
We don't play them until next week.
You know, that would do.
As far as I'm concerned.
So that's what we're going to go with.
Sometime between now and next week, we are going to write songs about bath.
And yeah, we'll be playing those next week.
If all goes according to plan.
Thank you very much, Rufus.
And thanks to everyone who put suggestions on our blog.
If you want to visit our blog, it's at bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash Adam and Joe.
And it's a reciprocal for all of your relevant waffle.
A reciprocal.
Yeah.
Receptical.
Oh, God.
You're going all jarrath.
You're going all jarrath on the listeners' arses.
And don't forget, as well, there is a podcast available of this show, which comes out on a Monday evening.
I think it was, yeah, it came out Monday last week, didn't it?
Even though it was bank holiday, James.
That's the kind of producer we got here.
It was out on Sunday last week.
Was it?
There was a lot of excitement on another non-castle-sponsored blog, madamandjo.com, which is another very good fan blog.
They were very excited that it popped up
on Sunday.
Top producing, James.
He puts our podcast together from highlights, so-called highlights from this program.
And it's a very enjoyable listen if I do say so myself.
So check it out.
Yeah, sorry, mate.
We're going to play another record.
Then we'll be back to wrap up Text the Nation.
Yeah.
Here's the kinks with Waterloo Sunset.
At the kinks there with Waterloo Sunset, this is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music in the last 10 minutes of our show.
We're going to wrap up Texternation.
Are we going to have a bit of a jingle?
A bit of a jingle-jungle.
You haven't got any listener jingles there, have you, James, by any chance?
Sometimes what we do is we get some of our listeners to send in their own versions of some of the jingles we use here on the programme, and feel free to do that any time you wish.
James, have you got one there?
Yeah, here's one that a listener sent in of our Texternation jingle.
Oh, hello.
Now, we were sort of getting people to try and copy the jingle as accurately as possible, right?
Yeah, do their own insane versions thereof.
Yeah, remixes.
That kind of thing.
Like this, for example.
Oh, there we go.
It's because of his regional accent.
He's a Geordie.
I like it generally when words are sung funny to make them fit a tune.
Do you know what I mean?
Slightly mispronounced to make them fit a tune.
I did a jingle for this show the other day that I never bought in because I ended up to fit it into the beat.
I ended up singing Adam and Jo on the BBC.
Because I said BBC.
I just thought I can't have a jiggle.
I've got some new jingles for the podcast this week.
They're a tiny bit on the embarrassing side.
Are they?
Yeah.
You have to listen to the podcast to find out.
That was very good.
Who was that by there?
That was unusually sincere.
And that was not a reworking of our existing jingle, but an entirely new take on the whole textination.
Who's the chatbot down there?
Alex.
Adam, there you go.
Anyway, so Text the Nation this week is all about a cinema manifesto we're putting together.
We want your new rules for behaviour and etiquette at cinemas that we're going to impose on all cinemas in the British Isles, otherwise they'll be subverted in a way we haven't thought of yet by Black Squadron.
So here are some good suggestions.
Who's the pirate?
The pirate and then the Phil in quick succession.
Wow, what a great moment.
It's pirate Phil.
Michelin Ian in their conservatory in Rainey Bolton.
They say the following, people used to clap or cheer when the British board of film classification information came on the screen as it signalled the start of the film.
I remember this fondly and still give a quiet little cheer even now.
Please make this mandatory in your manifesto.
I agree.
The whole audience must go...
Because I still, I still, when that logo comes up on the screen, I still reach across and grab the arm of whoever I'm with and give them a little thumbs up.
A free song of excitement.
Here we go!
Hell Potter!
Hold tight.
Strap yourselves down for two and a half hours of bone.
Pointless noise.
Here is another one that comes from Amanda and Liam.
They say, cinema passport.
You get a unique stamp for every film scene.
So you have a record.
It's a way to show off plus screen potential friends and outliers.
Quite a good idea, you have a passport, when you see a film they stamp it on the way in.
So you'd end up with a book.
Here's one from Eggman from East Kill Bride.
Adam and Jo, my input to the manifesto is regarding armrests on seats.
Cinemas should provide armrests for each seat rather than some kind of communal one between each seat.
This causes unacceptable levels of elbow jostling and awkwardness if you've got a stranger on one side of you.
If this is unworkable then people should only be allowed to rest their elbow on the armrest to their right where the drink holder is.
Failure to comply should be punished with amputation.
I'd have a similar thing.
I was in the cinema the other day and a man came and sat next to me and he put his arm on the same rest as mine and the little hairs on his arm were like daintily touching my arm hairs.
Your bare arm?
Yeah.
And it was once sexy and utterly revolting.
And did he just leave it there?
Yeah, well, it was kind of like a challenge.
It was like a little fairy light challenge along my hairy arm.
As soon as I get any stranger flesh contact, I would draw immediately.
Well, that's what he wanted me to do, but I thought, oh, yeah, that's the game you're playing, are you?
Yeah.
So the way to go is to sort of caress better.
So the hair on your arm stood up and started intermingling with his.
I just plunged my hand into his inner thigh and started tickling.
and then reached round to the Butox that found they were encased in metal.
Yes, have we got any more?
Let's have a look.
Yes, Tim in Chelsea says, using a seat for coats is all right, but it must be paid for!
That's just from the cinema manager.
Good old Leicester Square.
That used to happen in the Scarlett, do you remember that?
Give that a rat's in the cinema, it's good.
Well, they used to have a cat in the Scarlett in London's King's Cross that would eat all the rats.
And finally, from Ross Smith, there should be a remote control to let you watch another film if the whole audience agrees.
Just like in Britain's Got Talent, everyone presses a button when they're bored.
There's a big cheer when it's the majority.
Wow.
If that was up to corn balls, you'd be fast-forwarding to the good bits.
Yeah.
What?
That's your technique.
When we sit down to watch DVDs, sometimes you're like, oh, this is a boring bit.
And you skip to the good parts.
Well you used to.
Maybe you've matured since maybe.
Hey listen, keep your suggestions for our film manifesto coming in on our blog and we'll put the top 10 up.
That's it from us this week.
Thank you so much for listening.
Liz Kershaw's coming up.
Right now here's one final free play.
This is yours, Joe.
Yeah, this is Michael Jackson, the pop singer that died recently from his recent album, Invincible.
This is a remix of a track called Butterflies.
We'll see you next week.
Take care, listeners.
Bye!