That was the Lemonheads with If I Could Talk I Tell You.
Doobie, doobie very careful with your five a day.
Make up later, make over later on.
Make up and over later on.
Hi.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
Welcome to the show listeners.
It's quite early on, quite miserable Saturday morning down here in London.
How did you cope with the clocks going back last weekend?
Did you remember?
I did.
I got up an hour early the next morning.
Right.
It was a bit traumatizing, but it was good.
It was fine.
I was in a shop on the Saturday evening and I had no clue that the clocks were going back, but I overheard a guy at the counter saying, clocks going back tonight, extra hour in bed tomorrow morning.
So I thought, yeah, good one.
But then I was thinking, hmm, I think he's got that wrong.
I think the clocks go forward in the winter time, don't they?
And you get an hour less in bed, because isn't the point to make, to shift the daylight hours later into the evening?
I was thinking,
I mean, my mind was all scrambled.
Obviously, that's not the point, and I'm a moron.
And so the next morning, I put all the clocks forward, and I forced everyone out of bed an hour early.
Because I'm so confused.
It is tricky, it's weird, how even after many years on the planet Earth, it's still of confusing things, isn't it?
I was trying to imagine the daylight in my head as an area of black and white with the white daylight hours in the middle and that white band shifting forward.
What?
This is what was going on.
It was a mess in my mind.
You're like Russell Crowe in a beautiful mind.
Totally.
Or the guy in the soloist.
If there was a film, lots of stuff would appear on the screen around your head.
That's right.
Good little with Philip Glass music playing.
Except I've not got any discernible talent like the people in those films.
Except it would just be a woman's bottom and the sauces roll.
Circling slowly.
Where would the sausage roll end up?
It doesn't matter.
And the thing is that I'm just totally out of sync with the universe at the moment, you know what I mean?
I feel like every morning I wake up in the universe just because, oh god, it's that jerk.
It's that little jerk.
I think you're flattering yourself that the universe cares about either of us.
It does.
It listens to the podcast.
Does it?
Yeah.
Is it Black Squadron?
No, the universe doesn't listen live.
It's too busy.
But it downloads the podcast on a Monday evening.
Cool.
And listens to that.
Should we stand Black Squadron to attention?
We certainly should.
Black Squadron are the elite listening force that listen live to this programme between 9am and 9.30.
They're a carefully trained crack squadron of people.
They're carefully trained squadron of ducks.
And they live in a pond.
Anyway, we're going to give them a command in a second.
And it's a photo command.
We have a kind of a race to see who can get us the best photo fastest.
You have to text it into our text number, 64046.
Correct.
Calls are charged at a standard rate.
Any photo sent may appear on the Adam and Jo blog.
You are warned.
But we're going to give you a command.
We're going to try a kind of experimental command.
Are we?
Let's talk about it.
We're gonna talk about it during this record.
Oh, really?
Yeah, then we'll do the command.
I think so.
We're gonna play some Biffy Clyro while we talk about it.
I'm not sure about the name Biffy Clyro for a band.
What's going on with it?
Well, is it a cartoon character or something?
Is she from a graphic novel?
All I remember is that on one of their early albums or EPs, they had a cartoon of a lady having fun with herself, and I always thought it was a little bit too much.
Well, they're currently on tour in the UK, so you better be careful what you say.
I mean, they seem roughty-toughty.
You would think with a name like Biffy Cliero, they would be a little bit pansy.
There's a picture of them here.
Look, the lead singer looks quite roughty-toughty.
They do look roughty.
The two other men look quite jaunty-taunty.
Don't you think?
Let's see what they sound like.
Is that what they're called, jaunty and taunty?
Is the lead singer called roughty?
He is.
Roughty-toughty.
It's only roughty-toughty.
And this is The Captain by Biffy Cliero.
It's Biffy Clyro with the captain, this is Adam and John BBC Six Music.
Adam was just showing me a little video there, weren't you?
Yeah, we went to Centre Parks this week for the half term, me and my family, and on the first day it was a little bit rainy, so we mainly gravitated indoors, did the swimming bit, which was fantastic, all the lubes and tubes and lubes.
So are they called?
Don't think so.
You have a lube to go in the tube, right?
Otherwise you get stuck.
Do you?
I'm not sure you do, but anyway, it's fine.
That's how it works.
They grease you down, shoot you down the tube.
That's not true.
But we went into the arcade and they had one of those machines there where you go in and it's like a photo booth and you take three shots of yourself and whoever you're with.
And then they create a little video for you by just inserting your face over some... Do they lube your face first?
Obviously your face is lubed first, otherwise it'd be irresponsible.
So you pay three quid and you get the most absolutely useless DVD that doesn't play on any conventional computer known to man.
I was able to extract the movie file for you.
£3 is quite cheap.
You reckon?
They could have pushed that to tenner.
I mean, in the olden days, when we went to the arcade, right, you could go with a bag of tenpenny pieces and have fun for a whole afternoon.
Do you remember that, though?
I mean, a game of Space Invaders was tenpenny, right?
Yeah, I guess so.
I mean, when things started, like, when Dragon Slayer came out, and that cost 50p, I remember that was like, whoa!
50p!
You're joking, but it was all computer animation and stuff.
So you dealt with it, but it was still quite a smack in the teeth.
Now... Hey, I've got to correct you, though.
It's traditional cell animation.
This is Don Bluth, Dragon Slayer.
But it played off a laser disc.
That was the exciting thing.
Right, right, right.
Yeah.
Good correction.
Thanks, man.
We've got to do it when we can.
Yeah, exactly.
We've got to get the facts right when we can.
So I'll tell you some more about Centre Parks later on, possibly.
But listen, Black Squadron Command... Yeah, Black Squadron... Black Squadron would be doing very well over the last few weeks.
We peaked at like 171 photos we got about two weeks ago.
But last week's command was very challenging.
It was very testing, wasn't it?
In pants, in street.
Yeah.
So you sort of had to put your pants on and go out into the street.
And we got about 70 photos.
Which is still pretty good, I think.
Yeah.
It's like 100 less, isn't it?
They've effectively halved the amount of people that aren't willing to take part.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that a good thing?
Well... I mean, we're really testing them now, don't you think?
Yes.
So we tested you physically last week, Black Squadron, with your ability to stand outdoors in your pants.
We're gonna test you mentally now.
We're gonna give you quite a confusing abstract command that doesn't necessarily have a simple interpretation.
No.
And we're gonna see what you come up with.
And immediately after Joe issues the command, Admiral Cornballs will issue the command and we'll bang in with like the first free play this week.
Now Joe, you didn't have any free plays with you.
You ran out of time, I guess, before you left the house.
So I've selected a few for you.
Thank you.
And we'll be playing them throughout the show.
But this is one of mine.
All my free plays are themed.
Can you guess what the theme is?
Um, bottoms and sausage rolls.
Exactly right.
no it's not it's it's uh halloween because today's halloween listeners i don't know if you knew and this is a radio show it's like the evil christmas yeah yeah yeah exactly christmas evil christmas like jack skellington yeah yeah what's this what's this i hate that song come on that's one of the best songs ever
I won't be playing that song, however.
Initially, I will be playing all kind of ghost or Halloween-related material that I hope you may enjoy, listeners, and I'll be playing Frank Black and the Catholics with all my ghosts as soon as Joe issues the Black Squadron command for this morning.
The number to send your photo to is 64046.
Stand by for your command, Black Squadron.
This week's command is... Problem Biscuits!
Love it.
Frank Black and the Catholics there with All My Ghosts.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
I was talking a little bit earlier about the fact that I got confused with the clocks going back last weekend.
Thought maybe they went forward.
And some people have helpfully emailed and texted in some mnemonics, which the main one being, spring back, fall forward.
Right?
Is that how you remember?
It's a little distracting in here, listeners, because they're doing a fire alarm test.
Two quite, uh, authoritative men came in, didn't they?
Yeah.
So don't worry, we're gonna do it with fire alarms, the lights will flash, you won't hear anything.
It'll last for a few minutes.
So there's all sorts of lights flashing and stuff?
But we can hear something.
What's that?
It's the fire alarm, right?
That's quite scary.
I thought it was a baby crying.
Or Lucy, our assistant crying.
It's like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre sound.
It sounds like someone's telling someone off.
Do you remember that sound in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre?
Sort of weird metal creek.
Anyway, sorry, it's quite hard to concentrate this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So anyway, mnemonics, right?
Yeah.
What's the mnemonic for... Spring forward, fall back.
That's what people are suggesting.
Spring forward, fall back, but fall back.
Count buccullis can't deal with that mnemonic.
Well, I point it at you.
You're instantly dismissive of it.
Now, you can quite easily say spring back, fall forward.
I mean, both of those are sort of phrases as well, aren't they?
Yeah, you think it doesn't purchase in your brain?
No, no.
And also the other one that I get similarly confused with is, feed a cold starve of fever, you know?
Never heard that one before.
It's what you're supposed to do when, like, if you're feeling feverish, is it a good thing to eat, or are you better off if you just abstain from food for a while?
So, like, do you feed, you feed a cold, like, if you've got a cold, it's a good thing.
Or do you starve the... fever?
Or do you feed the fever and starve the cold?
It works either way.
No wonder you're so confused.
You're being over analytical.
The universe hates me.
Don't you think?
It loves you.
It downloads the podcast.
Yeah, the universe doesn't like that.
So that's not a good enough mnemonic listeners for Count Buckley's Spring Forward Fall Back.
I like the way you say mnemonic, like Gary mnemonic.
It won't fit in his head.
We've got to think of a better one.
How are we doing with Black Squadron's photo command?
I'm going to look in a second.
Let's look during the next record, maybe.
If the clocks put the clocks in the box in the winter, tick tocks.
Yeah.
They go forwards.
No, that's no good.
This alarm is freaking my mind.
Let's play a record band.
No, we're going to play a trail right now.
This is a freak zone trail.
Check out some Stuart McConnie action right now.
That is the Cardagons with I need some fine wine and you, you need to be nicer.
Oh, all right.
It's quite a bossy title for a track there.
Yeah, Black Squadron Command this morning, listeners, was problem biscuits.
It was an abstract command designed to provoke you into some kind of creative interpretation.
To get the class station.
Yeah, exactly.
And we've had some very good photos.
A lot of them are anonymous.
There's a man with a beard and brown eyes and rather a nice pillow with a blue flowery cover who is being attacked by biscuits.
He's drawn faces on some... They look like... They look like some sort of herbal rivita biscuit.
Oh, I know those.
They're ritz.
Yeah, they're nice healthy ritz.
Anyway, that's a very good one.
But he's anonymous.
We can't name check him.
There's an amazing one.
Where's it gone?
Of a family who are all making biscuits.
And one of the children is holding an electric drill in a threatening manner.
Look at this, Adam.
He's got flour all over his face.
He's holding an electric drill.
In what way would you use an electric drill to make biscuits?
Uh, you would use it to do the holes for the, uh, digestives.
Yes.
That's what you would use it for.
I mean, you'd need a very small drill bit.
I mean, that looks like a very problematic biscuit making session that family are having.
He's got his face all whited up there, so it's a Halloween thing as well.
Someone called Greg.
Maybe they're making Halloween cookies.
It's a very nice job.
Matthew Taylor has sent... Have you seen this one?
He's put like a bourbon biscuit in the middle of the line-up for the usual suspects, right?
It's another one.
Where the Kaiser Sols say it would be.
As you know, it's just another one.
Somebody sent quite a good picture of a big stack of biscuits on the very, very edge of a mantelpiece.
And they're at an angle a bit like the Leaning Tower of Biscuits.
Yeah.
So that's a suspenseful image of biscuits.
Dangerous biscuits.
Yes.
So these pictures are very good, and they're going to make a fine gallery, I think, because there's going to be all sorts of variety of interpretation.
Do you know what I mean?
I do.
And that's going to be fun.
Some of them would make great album covers.
You know, if we ever did an album of this show, it'd be good to have some of these pictures on the cover.
Do you think?
Yeah.
That was one of those boring things I said in my life.
Why would we make an album of the show?
Well, there was so many things from it.
We could have hits from it, like an elbow track, some cardigans.
It's nice of you to entertain... Like a drive time garage forecourt CD.
Yeah, it's nice of you.
But there were so many things wrong with the idea, the sentence, everything about it was just tedious.
And I'm really sorry about that, listeners.
So I'm going to play you some music right now to make up for it.
This is Vitalik with Poison Lips.
That is Vitalik with Poison Lips from his latest album Flash Mob, which was released last month.
We're going to stand down Black Squadron right now.
Here's the jingle.
You can put your cameras down, Black Squadron.
Thank you very much for responding to the command this week, but right now it's just gone 9.30 and it's time for the news.
That's the squeeze with Up the Junction.
Hey, it's Adam and Joe here on quite a disappointing morning weather-wise, I would say.
Do you cycle in in this weather, Adam?
Sure, I am not a fair weather cyclist.
Me too, I cycled in in this rain.
It's quite invigorating, actually, I find.
You reckon?
Yeah, but my shorties are a bit damp, so I've hung them up over the emergency lights.
Is that safe?
Yeah, well it's nice, it stops us noticing if there's a fire.
If there's a fire, yeah, just blissful ignorance.
You know, if there was a fire, your shorts would dry that much quicker.
Exactly.
So everyone wins.
Yeah.
Which is nice.
But no, I don't like cycling in the rain particularly much.
Don't you?
No.
I find it invigorating.
Do you?
Schwaa!
This is getting a spritz.
Nature spritz.
I like to shake my head and all the water flies off.
Do you sing and stuff while you're cycling?
I open my mouth and drink in the rain.
Unbutton a few.
I do sing while I'm cycling, yeah.
Unbutton your shirt a little bit and let the rain go down.
I just enjoy getting all wet.
Chest and right.
I'm getting a little bit turned on.
So folks, last weekend I was listening with my family in the car to Weekend Woman's Hour, which is something I enjoy doing very much.
My favourite presenter was doing it, Jane Garvey.
I prefer Jane Garvey to the other lady that does Woman's Hour.
Marcus Garvey.
Yeah, that's right.
I like Jane better.
She's got a really nice voice.
She seems like someone I might get on with.
You're not supposed to listen to Woman's Hour.
Why not?
Because it's for womans.
I'm interested in womans.
I want to get inside their minds before I get inside their dresses.
I was hoping you'd stop me before I said that.
I'm glad you said dresses.
Keep talking, though.
Anyway, they were talking about they had a little segment on the amount of television that children watch, right?
And whether it's a good thing or a bad thing.
What a hot potato.
It's a hot one.
Top topic.
And they got a couple of experts on, a lady from the BFI educational department, she was pro-watching, or rather she was poo-pooing the notion that watching a great deal of Tetley and playing on computers is necessarily bad for the mind.
And then they had a lady who said, you've got to watch it because it's going to rot those little minds.
She was even saying that children between up until the age of three should not be allowed to watch TV at all.
And she said that in France and Australia and stuff, they're trying to get legislation passed to stop, although I don't know how it worked, to stop children, you know, to make it illegal for children under the age of three to watch TV.
Can that be right?
Or did I misunderstand in the way that I often do?
But they had some very endearing clips of children from South Yorkshire talking about the amount of TV they watch.
And this one clip, I've got a couple, there's a couple of little bits here.
One is from a chap called Ross who's aged eight and I think a girl called Bethany or Isabelle, not sure which.
Um, who's also aged eight, and Ross's comments about the amount of TV he watches became like a catchphrase in our house for the rest of the week.
Here he is talking about it.
So all of you, how much time do you all spend watching television, for example?
I spend ages, where whenever I finish my breakfast I go and watch telly, whenever I get home from school I watch telly, whenever I'm not doing the computer I watch telly.
And my Nana lets me watch telly all the time, because she's got to call.
She's got to call.
Telly, I watch Telly.
I watch Telly when I wake up, I watch Telly when I get out of bed, I watch Telly when I have my bath, I watch Telly when I'm having my breakfast, I watch Telly when I come home from school, I watch Telly.
When I'm asleep, I watch Telly.
While I watch Telly.
While I watch Telly, I'm watching Telly a moment.
If I'm on the computer, I have a little Telly next to the computer that I watch, and then I watch Telly while I'm doing that.
When I go to the cinema, I watch Telly.
I've got some glasses and they've got small Telly's in the inside.
When I'm asleep, I watch Telly.
I watch Telly when I'm asleep.
When I'm swimming underwater.
In my dreams, I watch Telly.
He watches a lot of telly.
Watches loads of TV.
I mean that's good news for telly because I was under the impression it was slowly dying.
Oh really?
Apart from the X Factor and major live events nobody really watches anything anymore.
The children love it.
The children love it don't they because they're not allowed on the computer though but as soon as they get on the computer.
Yeah, don't you think?
It's what happens.
They're more interested.
Oh, I see, yeah.
Yes, exactly.
But it's for telly.
Telly should aim itself at the under five.
Children's TV is doing very well at the moment.
I mean, entertainment in general for children is probably as good as it's ever been, I think.
Do you think so?
Yeah, I mean, you've got the Pixar movies.
We're living through the golden age of... People are angry about massive cutbacks in CITV and CBBC, right?
They were a year ago or so.
But they're still doing funny shows and stuff, and the cartoons are- Yeah, it's true.
You got all the Spongebob stuff.
Yeah.
Sorry, I've got no head.
That one.
Right.
That's funny.
That's a sketch show for kids.
Yeah, that's very good, that one.
Yeah.
There's horrible histories and stuff.
The one where they fall through the floor?
Uh-huh.
Do you know with the funny, weird, weird old gargly man?
Yeah.
What's that one called?
You're trapped or something.
You're trapped and you have to sabotage the games.
Yes.
And you have an earpiece.
That one's good.
My children love that one.
Do they love that one?
It's the S.A.V.E.N.
Sarah Jane Adventures.
I've never watched that.
Do you ever watch S.A.V.E.N.?
What's S.A.V.E.N.?
S.A.V.E.N.?
S.A.V.E.N's CBBC or CITV, I can't remember, but it's this sort of medieval game show that presents itself as if children are going through incredibly dangerous sort of trials.
But they're always wrapped up in incredible health and safety.
outfits, which rather takes the edge off the presenter's patter.
The following test has destroyed the careers of various warriors.
I don't know, he's got all this terminology kind of thing, but it's undercut by the helmets and the shoulder pads and the cables.
Were you allowed to watch Tell A Willy Nilly when you were little?
Willy Nilly?
Um, will they nail their telly?
Or were their curbs put on your... No, I had a telly.
Yeah, I had a telly.
You had a telly in your room.
From when I was seven, yeah.
Seven?
Well, I had viral meningitis.
I was in hospital for a week having a lumbar puncture.
You're lucky.
A spinal lumbar puncture.
Yeah, but you're lucky.
So my lovely granny gave me a telly.
A week of spinal meningitis and you get a telly hour.
Come on.
I would have done that.
It did feel like a good deal.
If that was an option, I would have had the spine out.
replaced with a broom as long as I got that telly listen I'm joking obviously I'm not wishing spinal meningitis on anyone or considering it a good option for anything but still you're lucky you can't tell ya I was a wicked telly so you can watch telly in the morning and in the evening and when you watch deliverance on it in black and white when you ate like a big
Here's a live session right now.
This was recorded way, way, way back in February of this year for The Simon Mayo Show.
Was it this year?
Well, you see, I haven't got a date on there, Ben.
And it's confusing, because the Pixies, who we're playing the session from, could well have recorded a session this year on account of they've reformed, haven't they?
But we're assuming that it's not from this year.
I think this is a vintage session for The Simon Mayo Show.
And this is, uh, Here Comes Your Man.
Was that really 21 years ago that was recorded?
Oh my gosh, I feel ancient.
That was the Pixies with Here Comes Your Man, recorded for Simon Mayo's program way back in February 1988.
Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
I think we should get into Retro Text the Nation.
Here's the jingle.
And now my mail might be read out instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about.
That's the original Funky version, back again, using the word trash.
I love that version.
Shorter stir-ups.
That's controversy.
Old school, man.
I love it.
Trash, the Funky version.
It's great.
It's like a breath of fresh hair.
Thanks.
So Text the Nation last week was about stuff what you've nicked from the street, right?
Civil sharing civil sharing.
Yeah things that you'd appropriated because you assumed they were being thrown out because they were sitting on the pavement I've seen such place this struck a chord most particularly with men because I believe that it is a primal urge for the man to Find things in skips and things like that and then bring it home and keep it in the house Just in case because it may come in useful
You love gender-based assumptions.
You're listening to Women's Hour, which is a program for women's.
We both like loose women's.
And what you just said there was a generalization about men.
It's good culturally.
It's good culturally for men and women to be separated, isn't it?
And have different likes and interests.
There are fundamental differences between the man and the woman.
And it's insane to deny physical differences.
Not just physical.
Mental differences.
Physiological as well as mental differences.
And to ignore them is madness.
I'm not saying that people should be prejudiced or there should be discrimination.
Or people should be sexist.
Yeah, but... Or are you saying that?
Well, no, no, no.
Are you saying people should be sexist?
No, no.
Being sexist is not the same as appreciating the differences between men and women.
No, you're absolutely right.
I was being silly.
Yeah, you're taunting.
You're prodding me with your stick.
But I'm refusing to rise.
Anyway, but that's a fair point.
Why is it?
Men like hoarding things, right?
Right.
Generally, they're the hunter-gatherers.
They like to go out and hunt and gather.
And they like to get the signs and bring them back in case the signs come in useful.
Also, the signs might jazz up the cave.
Annabel likes going to the supermarket.
Is that not hunting and gathering?
I mean, she really likes it.
She hunts around for food, gathers it in a trolley.
Not the same.
No, because she's just getting the scrapples for the cakes.
Scrapples?
Yeah.
I don't know.
What are scrapples?
A new product.
The men are hunting and gathering things for the cave to jazz up the cave.
Right.
Jazz cave.
Like an illuminated sign.
Let's read out some of the messages we got.
After all that, I'm going to start by reading out a message from some women who did a bit of civil sharing.
It goes like this.
Hi Adam and Joe.
On our walk home from a night out, me and my housemates came across a two-story high Harry Potter on a broomstick.
I mean, that's very tall.
Two stories.
Which had fallen off a massive 3D film placard on the main road.
We decided, as it had fallen off, it was now public property.
So three small women dragged this monster, MDF Harry, back to our tiny backyard.
The broom riding Harry covered our entire living room and first floor bedroom window and fast became the local attraction for our student friends.
One day, a knock on the door introduced us to our local police force.
Apparently, they'd been looking for the missing potter and had been tipped off of its whereabouts.
by some eagle-eyed passers-by who saw a giant distory Harry Potter at someone's house.
There were threats of charges which were finally dropped after they realised it wasn't a crime of vandalism and that three small women did not have the capacity to dislodge the flying Potter by themselves.
They sadly removed Harry from our property.
That's an interesting one, isn't it?
She signs it off in quite a challenging way.
She says, Love, Bonnie, kill boggins.
I mean, there are... When you go onto the motorway out of London, there are often amazing adverts, aren't there?
With all sorts of things.
Like, years ago there was a sort of Perspex box with a person in it.
Do you remember there was an office?
Sure.
They kind of mounted an actual working office to a billboard.
Was that even for office space?
The film?
No.
I don't know.
I can't remember.
There was a car mounted up there.
Yeah.
And things like that, it's very tempting to nick them, isn't it?
Of course it's... Because often they're only just out of reach.
What, you mean go into the Perspex box and steal the person?
Steal the person.
Yeah, go in there with them.
Yeah, but do you think that's right that the police force should waste taxpayers money by trying to get back a giant Harry Potter?
Do you think that's it's got I mean, I think now you're asking the big questions.
I think you know, it's advertising it's already kind of intruding into our psyche and public space.
Yeah with their silly adverts.
Well, shouldn't we be allowed to just take them home?
If they were guilty of criminal damage by vandalising the poster in the first place, that's a different matter.
That is fair enough for the cops to be dealing with.
But if it had fallen off and the ladies had rehoused it, well, yeah, the coppers obviously took a kindly attitude, didn't they?
They didn't press charges.
Kindly coppers.
Hello, hello, hello.
Just this once.
We're going to let you go.
Kindly coppers.
Here's another one from... Oh, which one am I going to read?
Yeah, here we go.
This is from Paul Morgan.
About 15 years ago, a load of us were staying in a cottage in France for New Year.
Some of the gang went for a walk and found an abandoned house with the door open.
They proceeded to grab as much stuff as they could carry and bring it back to the cottage.
Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Standard lamps, chairs, cushions, pots, pans, etc.
Needless to say, they were spotted by the French equivalent of Neighbourhood Watch, and the gendarme soon turned up.
I've got some great photos of them sheepishly walking back with the booty, Peaceman looking on in an amused, bemused fashion.
Yeah, that's got a little Paul Morgan.
That's got a floor in it, hasn't it, that one?
It's the phrase, abandoned hats.
abandoned fully furnished town temporarily abandoned while the owner went to the shop i mean that's a good application of that word for this whole text the nation isn't it because what's the definition of abandoned how can you tell if something's abandoned this is the thing this is what happens i've been through it myself i've spoken about it on this show an abandoned house
You know, you find something and you sort of convince yourself that it's abandoned and you re-appropriate it and you snaffle it.
And then you start feeling guilt about like, maybe your definition of abandoned is a little bit too flexible.
How can you ransack a house in a spirit of fun and opportunism?
That seems to me to be going too far.
Here's something a little bit similar, but didn't seem to be a problem ultimately.
This is from Sally in Shepherd's Bush.
After me talking about all these men doing it, it's all the women in here.
Dear Adam and Jo, when I first moved to London, I moved to a pokey one-bedroom place in Hammersmith, not big enough for normal, misappropriated street furniture.
But one evening on my way home, I spotted a neighbour had left about 12 bottles of wine outside their house.
On closer inspection, I noticed these were all full, unopened wine bottles.
Seals untampered and everything.
I walked on by, but noticed they were still there the following morning.
That evening, when they were still there, I decided to pop one in my bag.
Surely no sane person would leave wine outside their house and not expect it to be taken.
The next evening, I took two more bottles.
But by the following evening, it was clear that someone else was onto it, so I picked up the whole box and took it home.
Amazing!
Free wine that must have cost at least a five or a bottle.
Still the mark of class in my eyes.
Love you, Sally Shepherd's Bush.
So she's just, I mean, what's the deal there?
Someone's left, but then I would be worried that it was tainted in some way.
Why would someone leave free wine in a box there unless there was something wrong?
That's quite an enigmatic email you've read out there.
It lacks contextualising information.
So she saw the wine, she took it, then she took it all.
The end.
She's snaffling a little bit, bit at a time.
She's testing the waters.
Seeing if there's any problem with snaffling one bottle.
And going back for the whole box.
It's not just like shoplifting.
What's else?
It's a band on!
And on to, in that case!
It's wine time!
Here is another one from a person called Adam McQueen.
When I was at university I went round to see my friend Viv.
She shared a house and her housemates said she was out, but on her way back.
So we sat in the kitchen and waited for her.
After about 15 minutes Viv arrived, with a big beaming smile on her face and an even bigger bunch of flowers in her arms.
Oh, we all said, who's been giving you flowers, Viv?
Viv said, I just found them in the street, still beaming.
Where, we asked, baffled.
Oh, they were just propped up against a lamppost.
She said cheerily.
Her smile gradually faded away and was replaced by a look of horror to match our own.
I'd like to apologize to everyone in the world for this story.
No, surely that's apocryphal.
Do you think?
Yeah, surely.
I think that's made up.
I just can't believe anyone would do that.
Maybe if it was the first bunch there.
I mean, if for any reason you don't know what we're talking about, sometimes when there's been a tragic accident, like a fatal accident in the street, people will leave floral tributes at the scene of the accident.
And I guess maybe if you don't know about that, if you're young or maybe come from another country or something... I don't know, you would think... They didn't make the connection.
I'm going to read an upbeat one quickly, just to clear the air.
Do you know what I mean?
Here's one from Lucy Loftus.
When I was at university in Sheffield, my mate Dougal pinched one of those hospital signs that point you to the correct department with an arrow.
He fixed it to the wall outside his bedroom pointing to the door.
The sign read, Breast Examination Centre.
Do we like Google for doing that?
That's more like it.
I don't know.
It's just a classic.
It's a classic.
It's the total you think.
Totally irresponsible classic.
Here's a free play for you now.
Do you think he fooled anybody?
Oh, you reckon he got some traffic?
I mean, people respond to those municipal hospital signs without really thinking.
Do they?
Yes, they do.
Especially the... Hello.
Are you really a doctor?
Yes.
Yes, I am.
It's Dr. Sexy.
Is that how Dr. Sexy got started?
Yes, it is.
By stealing hospital signs and then just mounting them.
Setting up a little ad-hoc clinic.
Free plays, right?
I'm selecting Joe's free plays for him this week because he didn't bring any in.
I'm lazy.
Because it was an oversight on his part.
And so I've chosen Halloween themed songs.
I hope you like this one.
Have you got Scott Walker's album, Scott Four yet?
No, what do you mean yet?
Well, because like it's new out.
Well, no, no, no.
I mean, it's just one of the albums that everyone should own, you know, right?
No, I don't.
It's really amazing.
Yeah.
And you would love it.
And people bore on about how fantastic it is, but it is great.
And even if you listen to it the first few times and think, well, this is a bit middle of the road, maybe a bit croony.
It's not.
I tell you what, Adam, give it a play, give it a spin.
I'll see what I think.
Well, you know, I thought you would like this one as well because it's called The Seventh Seal.
Oh, and that's a film by Ingmar Bergman.
That's right.
And it's death playing chess with... And I like films.
And you love films.
And you know, it also features in one of our favourite films.
What?
Uh, which is, um... Escape to which mountain?
No, no, no.
Starring.
Which one am I thinking of?
Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey?
Oh, yes.
You know.
What this song features?
I don't think of the Ingmar Bergman classic so much as Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey when I hear this song by Scott Walker.
This is the seventh seal.
This is the voice of the big, windy castle.
It is the top of the hour.
Ooh, that's wonderful.
I got support with the last hour.
That's The Clash with Spanish Bombs.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
It's nice to be with you listeners.
Thanks for joining us.
This rather dreary Saturday morning.
Now, an area in which I, one of the many areas in which I underperform in this programme is the jingle writing.
I've got a couple of jingles that are all right.
There was a jingle of yours in the podcast last week, wasn't there?
It was sort of like an electronic noise with you just going,
No, I didn't hear that.
It's a weird thing.
It slipped in the podcast somehow.
I was like, what the heck is that?
I assumed it was yours.
I don't know.
Weird anomalous sound.
But I was trying to redress my lack of jingle writing about two or three weeks ago.
I was under pressure of time.
I thought I'd quickly try and do a jingle.
So I did.
I'd done a jingle at it plopped.
And I bought it into the studio and gave it to James Sterling.
This was about three weeks ago.
Well, no, I emailed it, actually, and he emailed back saying, oh, good jingle, you know, that'll be good for the top of the show.
We've never played it.
We've played it once, didn't we?
I don't think we did, did we?
I'm sure we did.
Did we?
Should we play it right now?
I don't think we've ever played it.
But my suspicion is it's because it's awful and he didn't want to tell me.
Well, it's a commercial track, though.
It's not even a garage band track, right?
That's true, yeah.
But it's a BBC track, isn't it?
No, no, no.
It's by Booker T and the MG's.
Is it?
Yeah.
Oh, you think that's why he's not playing it?
I think possibly.
Really?
I don't know.
But it's not a problem for the live show.
Let's hear it.
It's not a problem.
Let's hear it.
It's a cricket jingle.
Don't get out of bed.
Eat your breakfast in bed instead Don't move or switch over or go too early Cause it's time for Adam and Jo and BBC Radio
Oh no, I've dropped the pans.
Because there's percussion.
Well, I had to put extra pans in to make the joke work.
It's a nice little bit of production.
It was just a quick jingle, but I was getting paranoid there because I thought it was awful.
And then when I came in this morning, it appeared that it had been deleted off the system.
They found it again, though.
They did.
But it's two layers of appropriation, you see.
That track, I believe, was recorded by Booker T and the MJ's in the late 60s.
It's called Time is Tight, or maybe the early 70s.
And then it was used by the Click-It people.
Then it was used by the Crickles.
So we can't use it in the podcast, that's my mistake.
Can't use it in the podcast because it's commercial.
But it's great.
Let's play it every 10 minutes.
Let's play it a couple of times this show as well.
Yes.
Play it later on.
Let you let!
I like it.
Well, you've done a new one as well, right?
You don't have to worry though, because you've written The Greatest Jingle of All Time, which is a retro-text translation joke.
Yeah, but what if that was a bizarre anomaly?
I mean, I'm not agreeing that the way you described it is the case, but what if it was just a freak anomaly?
Yeah, well, when you want to hit that big.
It's hard.
I churn them out, you see.
I'm like a Tim Pan Alley guy.
Here's my jingle for a segment.
We decided that we were going to turn this into a segment, right?
Famous name repurposing in everyday life.
Yes, yes.
Right?
So here's the jingle I came up with.
Famous name repurposing, I do it care and nightly It's really Molesome Wells, if you do it Matthew, rightly If your life's not Boris, good enough You're Michael McIntyre, do some famous name repurposing And maybe things would feel so Danny Dyer
Hey, that's good.
You see, you've done it all in the jingle.
Yeah, I've explained it, right?
Yeah.
I mean, that makes it clear what this little segment's about.
You've even got Danny Dyer's book there.
Did you go and spend money on that?
No, I just, uh, upstairs in the office upstairs, I saw it lying around.
It's an unauthorized biography of Britain's toughest star, Danny Dyer.
Wow.
I was just reading little bits out of it.
And the cover is, it looks like splattered blood with his photograph.
Doesn't just look like splattered blood.
It is splattered blood that Danny's by himself lamp-daffing someone's face.
He's a very sensitive, dimensional individual.
Read a random sentence from the book that doesn't contain foul language.
There aren't any.
Danny needn't have worried about being liked, or whether audiences would get it.
Yeah, that's all we need to know.
I like it.
Good book.
What's it called?
It's called The Real Deal.
So famous name repurposing, right?
I mean, I think the jingle more or less explained it.
This was something we had as a text donation a few weeks back, but we still keep getting them through.
They keep dribbling through on the message system, right?
Don't forget if you want to email us the... It's quite a horrible image.
Dribbling through.
Dribbling through on the message system.
So I want to just get a little flannel and just, you know, wipe the spout.
The email address if you would like to send us a message.
I'm just ignoring.
They're calcifying down the wall.
The messages.
Yeah.
Because of the tripling.
The email address is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.
This would never happen if James Sterling was producing.
You'd have it printed out properly.
So you can send us messages any time you like about anything you like.
Actually, I'll take this opportunity right now to say, can you please try and keep your messages... Can you please... Concise.
Yes.
Right?
Oh, this is the Thing listeners.
We're getting quite a lot of emails and it's wonderful they're so long and involved and we both wish we had the time to read them all, but we couldn't get through them all this week in time.
So the shorter you can make them, the more equitable it is for everybody who writes.
I mean, it's cheeky because we ourselves ramble a great deal and we are anything but concise, but we ask you, we pray for some concision from you.
pray for concision.
Yeah.
No wonder she goes.
Also, he says, also, I'm looking for employment, so I spend a lot of time on the internet looking for openings.
Everyone does that.
When the said girlfriend asks, what are you up to?
I reply, I'm looking for Steve Jobs.
I don't think she likes it.
Sometimes I just say it in my head.
I prefer still only.
Kiss kiss, big hug, small hug, big hug, small hug, big hug, small hug, big kiss, big kiss, small kiss from Vic.
Yeah, I'm ever still only.
That's good.
Still only.
Ever still low, low, low, low, low.
That's good.
That's almost as good as what was the Travolta one?
Oh, he's still travoting.
No, it was a different one.
It was more cleverer.
Oh, we'll have to try and remember it.
Here's another one from Blair from Inverness.
When questioned about something which I am sure of, I often reply by shortening definitely to a deafo.
Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly sassy, I like to reiterate the point by saying William Defoe.
That's good.
I'm going to use that.
He says, Defo.
William Defo.
Yes.
I like that.
Who's done that?
What's that person's name?
That's Blair.
Blair's a dude.
Also, as a classroom assistant in primary school, I have to put jackets on the little ones fairly frequently.
Whenever I say something like, can you put your arm in?
I always want to say, put your arm in Van Helden.
I hope you like them and please, for the love of gosh, don't bin boggins.
He says.
We'll talk a little more about boggins later.
Has anyone seen Boggins this morning?
I haven't seen him at all this morning.
He would have trotted him with those security men earlier.
Well you can always smell him when he's around.
I haven't smelled him so far this morning.
Finally, for repurposed famous names this week, Johnny Law has sent this one in.
For some time now I've described a pleasurable or enjoyable experience as being Donald
or Donald Pleasant.
Yes.
Derived, of course, from the actor Donald Pleasants.
Please note, he says, the spelling of Pleasants.
It's not with an A, as most people seem to think at the end.
It's with an E. I'd like to imagine Adam reading this in his shouty voice.
I know I am.
He's really furious about this, so I'll read the last bit.
And don't get me started on Jimmy Saville, spelt with a double L, or Dan Aykroyd, spelt A C K instead of A Y K.
Aykroyd?
What's he angry about?
You spell Dan Aykroyd, Aykroyd.
And most people spell it A-C-K-R-O-Y-D.
He's furious, absolutely livid about it.
What's his name, Johnny Law?
That'd be a good name for a policeman in a film.
John Q. Law.
Yeah.
Thanks for those messages, and if you would like to contribute to Famous Name Repurposing, do get in touch.
It's an official segment now, right?
It's got a jingle and everything.
It's not going to be every week.
It's like a birth.
But, you know, when we feel like it.
Here's some music right now.
This is Them Crooked Vultures.
I've never heard this one, have you, Joe?
No.
This is New Fang.
Hmm.
That's a super group.
I didn't realise that.
You know what that made me... Who's in that super group?
Dave Grohl, Josh Homme, and John Paul Jones.
Now, do you think that they should be investigated by the Monopolies and Mergers Commission?
Why?
Because they're unfairly powerful.
You know, that's like Tesco and Asda and Sainsbury's merging together.
That wouldn't be allowed, because it's not fair for other supermarkets.
Behemoths of rock.
Yeah, so should there not be a similar body to the Monopolies and Mergers Commission that stops bands like, you know, talented people like that working together because it's unfair, it unbalances the market.
Not really, because as soon as anyone starts quibbling about that kind of thing, you can just point to the travelling Wilburys.
And why would you point to them?
Because sometimes a collision of massive talents cancels everything out, and you're left with a void.
I'm not suggesting the Wilburys were a total void.
They had their moments, but on the whole they weren't like one of the best bands in the world.
Just imagining a weird black vortex travelling around Britain.
You know, young bands at the time of the Wilburys were not going,
Oh, it's so unfair.
We're not getting any breaks because all the attention's on the Wilburys.
If you turned up at a travelling Wilburys gig, would you look at the stage and there'd just be a sort of weird black patch, a sort of, like a galaxy, a sort of black hole and a... Sound.
It would be now because many of the Wilburys are no longer with us.
Oh, God.
Sorry.
Speaking of which, actually, have you got those clips up there, those Christmas clips, Ben?
You know, Christmas is coming, Joe.
Right.
The goose is getting fat.
Yes.
Could you put a penny in the old man's hat?
No.
He haven't got a penny a hapenny would do.
I don't like to go near him anyway.
He haven't got a hapenny, then.
God bless you.
He's surrounded by his own urine.
That's Jim Carrey you're talking about.
Oh.
What?
He's the guy in the Christmas carol, right?
Yes, Robert Zemeckis, Christmas carol.
That's very exciting.
3D fun coming up.
Absolutely.
But one of the most exciting things about Christmas is Christmas albums.
When people do special Christmas albums, right?
This is something that happens in America a lot more than it does in the UK, I think.
For American artists, it's all part of the folder role of the Christmas season.
Bring out a Christmas album.
You know, they've all done it.
And this year, Bob Dylan has got a Christmas album out.
And I actually first heard about this through a friend of mine who's in a band, my friend Dougie from Travis, right?
He was approached earlier in the year to write a song for Bob Dylan for his Christmas album.
amongst many other artists who'd been approached apparently.
So I was thinking maybe this Christmas album's going to be like new Christmas songs with just Dylan doing his Dylan thing over them.
That's not how it's turned out at all.
What he's done is just covered like standards, Christmas standards.
I've got a few clips of some of them to play you right now.
Very short clips because if I played you long clips, you would start weeping and crying and you would want to lose, you'd lose the will to live.
This is inspired by a message we got from Robert Ralph who said, Hi, Rob here.
Long time listener.
First email contribution.
Thought you might be looking for some Christmas tune fodder for the coming festive season.
If so, I found this new album of Christmas hits by Adam Buxton.
I mean Bob Dylan.
His voice on this album is the most weird ever.
I'm worried he might not even reach Christmas.
Well worth a listen.
Cheers fellas.
Well thanks Robert for alerting us to this and here's a couple of clips right now.
uh what's the first one on there james i'm really sorry ben winter wonderland fire this one off check see what you make of this
So you get the idea, right?
Like, to call it saccharin is a massive understatement.
Sounds like John Colshaw, or it sounds like an impressionist doing an album.
Yes, exactly.
And that's Dylan's new voice, right?
Which we've talked about on this show before, which is why Robert Ralph was saying it's Christmas Hits by Adam Buxton, I mean Bob Dylan.
because it's an enjoyable thing to do, a new Bob Dylan voice.
He's had about three different voices in his career, maybe more than that, I would say.
There's early Bob Dylan with the classic sort of nasal sound.
Then after he had his motorcycle accident, something weird happened and that kind of slide squeaked into his voice, which he's got on Nashville Skyline and some of those albums.
And now, late period Bob Dylan, he just sounds like a muppet.
Right?
Yeah.
And so that's what you're getting on the Christmas album.
Here's a clip from a little town of Bethlehem.
the cookies cookies cookies i love cookies yum yum yum gobble them all up christmas cookie time cookie time cookie time gobble gobble gobble all the cookies right now ah cookie brother what about that for a song that would be nice he does sound like uh uh a muppet like you said yeah exactly
Well, I've done a little go at one of them.
Oh, you've done a little go?
I mean, it's going to be Christmas soon, and my plan... Not that soon, if I get... Sure it is!
The lights are up!
The posters for Christmas Carol.
It's all in Oxford Street.
It is, isn't it?
Yeah.
It's coming, whether you like it or not.
And I'm going to try and do my own Bob Dylan Christmas album.
And I've had a little stab here.
I've started off with old Lang Syne.
Should all the acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?
Should all the acquaintance be forgot for the sake of holding tight?
Could you lend us 10p for a cup of tea for the day?
Come on, legs up!
Lovely Caribbean sort of feel to that one.
It's put an extra layer on it.
Yeah, yeah.
It's amazing, isn't it?
Is it that easy?
Do you think a lot of people would buy an album like the one what Bob Dylan has done?
Yeah.
Definitely.
Do you think so?
Yeah.
I mean, it seems very formulaic is the only thing.
It's just the thing about Christmas, it doesn't seem very, you know, interesting.
No.
It's so weird.
It's very formulaic.
I can't get my head around it because he's such an intelligent, interesting, creative guy.
This is the problem with Christmas as a whole, isn't it?
Right.
I mean, that's a very good example of what it is.
It's so, you know, it can kill the interest in even Bob Dylan, right?
Yeah, yeah.
You take that same tedious trope and then spread it over, what, three months?
Uh-huh.
Really thinly.
Yeah.
It's got to be changed.
My favourite time of year.
I love the day itself, don't get me wrong.
When the three big Christmas days come, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day.
Three wise men.
I love it.
But it's the flipping builder that makes me want to just basically, oh yeah, I can't say.
No, no, no.
I love it.
Do you love the builder?
Absolutely love it.
Do you?
Love everything about it.
You're lucky.
Here's a free play for you right now, listeners.
This is another Halloween choice for you.
And it's a spooky weird one.
Is this from the Ghost Rider soundtrack?
I don't know if this was used on the Ghost Rider soundtrack.
I doubt it, because it's too good to go anywhere near.
Hey, the Ghost Rider soundtrack.
How rude.
This is by Suicide, and it's called Ghost Rider.
Little fun track for you there for Halloween.
That's Ghost Rider by Suicide.
Someone sent in a message.
By Suicide?
Yeah, I know.
What kind of a radio station is this?
Edgy okay, they're a couple of crazy chaps from the New York punk scene there So if they want to call themselves that then you deal with it.
All right, you can stick it in your ear.
Hey I'm sorry about that, but you can you can stick it right in your ear
someone pointing out that the Bob Dylan album is for charity.
Why does that make a difference?
That's not an excuse.
It's the last refuge of scoundrels.
Well, exactly.
I mean, we all love charity.
We all love helping out the underprivileged and the disadvantaged.
Does it excuse any kind of behaviour?
I mean, this is a too big a debate for just coming up into the news.
That's a massive great can of worms.
Delicious.
Can I have some?
Here's the news right now.
It's 10.30.
extra noises extra production on there from um cornballs top to sexy cooperators that was muse with undisclosed desires they've got a tv ad for that album do you have any undisclosed desires adam
Yes, I am, yes.
Couple.
Yeah, couple.
Yeah, I'd like to watch you while you're on your bike in the rain.
Singing and shaking the rain off your face and I'd like to dry you when you get back home.
Oh, you've disclosed them now.
Oh.
You'd like to dry me.
Tell you off.
Tell me off.
After you ride in the rain.
Taxation time, listeners.
Here's the jingle.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
Yeah, you're expecting me to go, text the nation this week's listeners.
Yes, I am.
Yeah, I ain't got it.
Now, what are you going to do?
You're a contrarian.
Yes.
All right, I'll set the scene for the listeners in that case.
I was on a break, a half-term break this week, listeners, and we went to Centre Parks, me and my family.
Had a jolly good time, although there was a little bit of bad weather.
And because my family are at a certain age, like I've got young children, right?
Yeah.
They were a bit too young to do a lot of the really fun, exciting things at Centre Park, the zip wires and the more roughty-toughty activities.
So there were times when we were more or less housebound, we were in our little lodge, right, which was very nice.
But we went a bit stir crazy and it seemed a bit nuts that we elected to spend four days in like a much smaller space than the one we normally occupy.
You know, with all the attendant problems of having a baby and two young boys, it was magnified.
It seemed madness.
Anyway, we played a bit of Monopoly, right?
We had a junior version of Monopoly, which we'd brought with us, and we thought it would be a good idea to sit down and have a little bit of Monopoly fun.
And the rules are very straightforward.
They're even simpler than for the regular Monopoly.
But within about 10 minutes, there was stropping and flouncing off, and the whole thing degenerated.
I mean, we tried to play for about 20 minutes.
After, by the end of 20 minutes, I was sat there on my own.
And every single person, my wife, well, my wife had to go and feed the baby, but the two boys had flounced off at various points, and then they came back.
What made them flounce?
That's the trigger.
Well, it's hard to recall exactly.
This is the weird thing, because everyone was technically playing by the rules.
One of the triggers was how long it took.
It's a long game.
Yeah.
And someone was faffing around.
Frank was faffing around a little bit with his money and paying over.
Like, he couldn't decide if he wanted to buy one of the properties, or was he going to pass on it?
Is it the same properties in Junior Monopoly?
No, it's different ones.
What are they?
They're childish ones.
What are they?
I can't remember exactly.
What streets do kids prefer?
Do you know what I mean?
They're just colour coded.
Oh, right.
So it's just a grey street.
Maybe they're like fictional imaginary streets.
Yeah.
Fun streets.
I think they're even just grey.
They just say grey or yellow or red.
Okay.
Right.
I might be wrong about that.
But so there was a huge amount of stopping like almost immediately.
Oh, you're taking too long.
Hurry up.
And then there's like arguments about how much money you've got.
People started getting annoyed when their luck was running out.
You know what I mean?
Like, oh, this is not fair.
I always get I always land in jail.
I'm getting fined again.
It's frustrating.
Yeah.
I sometimes feel like that during Scrabble, when I draw a really bad hand.
It feels like the work fate is against you.
You don't strop off.
Sometimes I do.
I mean, I'm too mature to physically strop off, but in my head I'm dropping myself right off.
I mean, Scrabble!
Scrabble!
is famously a contentious game, but not Monopoly, wouldn't you say?
It's like life.
It's that blend of luck and skill.
And even if you've got all the skill in the world, you can still be thwarted by fortune, bad fortune.
That's annoying.
Monopoly, essentially, is a kind of a microcosm of capitalist society.
And so to that degree, you do feel as if it says something about you as a person.
And if you're doing badly, which I always do, I always feel like this isn't, this is exactly like my life.
The universe hates me.
And now it's happening again in this Monopoly game.
And I'm terrible with money.
Why is all the money just going away?
Why have I got no money?
I should have bought that property when I landed on Park Lame.
I'm insane!
What am I doing?
It's leaking out of me.
So what's the Text the Nation premise?
It's about the biggest arguments you've had whilst playing games.
Good one.
Whether it's a card game or Scrabble... Do you know what infuriates me?
I like to play a bit of Jenga.
Right.
And what infuriates me is somebody using two hands.
I mean, you pull the Jenga... What are they called?
Just a block.
You pull the Jenga block out with finger and thumb, right?
You can't use the other hand to push it from the other side.
Really?
No.
Why not?
And you can't touch the table either.
I'd be in trouble if I was playing jungle.
I know, that's part of the skill.
If you're it's me.
If people do that, sometimes people do that unconsciously.
It doesn't say on the box you can only use one hand, does it?
Well, I haven't got the box with me, but I believe that's true.
I would say it does.
We need some confirmation on that, listeners.
Another thing that really annoys me when I'm playing Connect 4, I'm good at Connect 4.
Sure you are.
I can take on all commas.
You and I used to play Speed Connect 4.
I've got a system.
Have you?
But what really annoys me, and this is nobody's fault, but a game of Connect 4 is reaching its gut-wrenching climax, and then suddenly the kind of swing bridge that holds all the coins in, you tap it and it swings open and they all fall out.
That can be...
Well, back to Monopoly, the thing that really winds me up is sloppy dice throwing.
Sloppy dice throwing.
And when people just take too long shaking the thing first of all and blowing on it.
Yes.
Come on, lady luck, lady luck, lady luck, come on.
Sick, sick, sick, sick, both hands, sick, both hands, sick of one hand, sick of one hand, sick of behind the head, sick of behind the back.
Frank does.
This kind of thing, right?
And then lobbing the dice so that it scatters all the houses and all the hotels and all the little boots and top hats and everything on the board.
It all gets scattered and stuff.
All the money goes flying and the title deeds and everything.
Thanks very much, Frank!
You've totally destroyed the game now!
That's what happens around our house.
So we want to hear your incredible arguments that have sort of spun out of nowhere when playing some kind of a game.
It doesn't necessarily need to be a board game, it could be any sort of game really, but the kind of activity where a group is supposed to, you know, have a harmonious time, there's never arguments on the boxes.
are there.
There's always photos of perfect looking families gathered round the board looking really happy.
Never like screaming at each other, grinding the plastic bits into each other's faces.
I'm trying to think of a game that hasn't provoked resentment and acrimony.
Buckaroo, maybe?
That's quite tense.
I mean, that is a tense game.
64046 is the text number if you want to send us your messages or you can email us.
And if you're listening during the week, i.e.
not live on Listen Again or whatever, or the iPlayer, emails only, please.
Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
Here's Dick Dale right now with Mizzalou.
Uh, forever associated with pop fiction, I suppose, for many people.
That track, Dick Dale, with, uh, Mizzalou there.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
I just remembered I made a mistake earlier on.
Did people point out that I said the wrong name of the Booker T in the MG's track?
Yeah, people pointed that out.
People didn't like you saying William Dafoe instead of Willem Dafoe.
Didn't really say that.
I know that he's called Willem Dafoe.
It's tough.
It's Saturday morning.
It's early.
We're stupid.
Yeah.
You know, everything's against us.
I got the, uh, Jenga thing right, though.
Did you?
It's rule number five.
You've got to use one hand.
Well done.
It is in the rules.
I mean, that's kind of a red letter day for us, that we've got something right.
Yeah.
Don't you think?
What is the book it's in the M.J.
Idji's track called?
Oh, I'd have to scroll down all the text.
But then again, I wasn't the one who claimed to know what it was called.
Soul Limbo is what it's called.
There you go.
You've got to get used to that, listeners.
This isn't a fact-based show.
If it was in a bookshop, it would be filed under fiction, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
Or confused.
It would just be on the floor between two sets of shelves.
It would be halfway under or some sort of soft chair.
It would be in the confused section.
Here's a free play for you right now, Joe.
I've picked this one out for you.
Oh, thanks.
It's a little bit of an experimental instrumental track.
I hate it!
Because I know you enjoy instrumentals, right?
And this is beautiful.
I mean, this isn't specific.
This is this is beautiful.
It's beautiful.
I was going to say it's absolutely beautiful, but it's not specifically Halloween themed.
It's by Squarepusher and it's called Quadrature from his last album.
Oh, fact alert.
Fact alert.
information quandary it was called just a souvenir yes and um but it's lovely are you sure it was called that i'm positive yeah yeah i'm not sure it was his last album though right okay i'm pretty sure but i love this it's so relaxing i hope you agree and it's very sort of subtle and nuanced and unusual do you know when you played um you know when you played your guitar thing last yeah yeah and i like laughed through it that got a lot of people very angry did it
Well, not very angry, but a lot of people wrote in to say, look, we love that guitar piece.
Joe's an idiot hole for gurgling through it.
And, you know, I repeat, I wasn't gurgling at the guitar music.
I was gurgling at your face and the air of self-importance that descended when you played it.
It was nice, though.
It was good.
People were asking for more of that kind of stuff.
Well, here you go.
Here's more of that kind of stuff.
And this is atypical, I would say, of SquarePusher's output, in that it's very relaxed and mellow.
But, you know, it's as good as... I'm gonna have a little snooze join in.
Check this out.
This is quadrature.
Shishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishish
Well, you see, it's ironic you assume that that's the tone of the thing, because nothing could be further from the truth.
I know.
Of course Billy Bragg is an extremely sensitive, intelligent man with a very profound understanding of issues.
That's from his 1980s social issues.
1988 album workers play town.
That was a hard time.
Fire, fire, fire.
Shut it.
Lamp.
Football.
Pub.
Fire, fire, fire.
Not what he's like at all.
No.
He's urbane to the max.
Shall we get back into textination this week?
If you want to look for his records in HMV, would you look under the urbane section?
Just move on, move on, move on.
What?
Quickly.
Move on.
Come on.
What?
Textination.
Text, text, text.
Textination.
What if I don't want to?
Textination.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text.
A little crunchy sound there.
What's that little carrot?
Oh, what's the mic up for that?
A k-rot.
Yeah, does that mean a little k-rot?
Is that how kids say carrot nowadays?
K-rot.
Yeah.
K-rot.
Oh, I guess one of them rots.
Yeah.
Rotters.
Yeah.
Guess you're a rotter.
Oi!
Look at the size of my rattle.
So Text the Nation's all about terrible arguments you've had during family game playing, like board games or could be charades or, you know, any sort of any sort of game that's supposed to bring everyone together.
We've mentioned this before.
It ends up schisming them.
But my favourite is always my friend Mark's story about his dad playing.
The Scrabble story.
Yeah.
And, yeah.
he came up with two words one of which was quit jut well the word quit and jut like together and he wanted the points for both those words i mean the risky area is is um that you are you are i mean a family has a heart
A family has a hierarchy, doesn't it?
That was Adam, not Boggins.
Boggins hasn't showed up today.
But a family has a hierarchy and it's important to the functioning of the family that everyone knows where they are in the pecking order.
Suddenly when you play a game, everyone's level pegging and it's almost like, okay, let's redraw this hierarchy.
And dads get their pride challenged.
Kids see an opportunity to gain some authority over mum and dad.
Yeah.
And that's where things start, start going bonio.
Dad's got to set an example.
And in that case, Mark's dad went absolutely mental and started jumping, hopping about.
He played a non-existent word.
Quick jump.
And then he also wanted to play B.I.P.
B.I.P.
A bit might be a word.
I think it was in the 40s.
Yeah.
Todl-bip.
Todl-pip, maybe.
No, Todl-bip.
Todl-bip.
Here's an email from Hetty in Totnes.
My ex-husband managed to create an argument playing a cooperative game called Sky Travellers.
The goal was for us to help each other to get back to our spaceship after finding the parts.
Sounds like Pikmin, doesn't it?
The rest of us died, but he said he won because he survived.
He made up some elaborate story about where he had ended up and about how great it was.
I mean, that's quite abstract because we don't really understand the game, but in there there's a little kernel of somebody in such denial that they had lost that they have to sort of invent some elaborate narrative or attitude that makes them seem like a winner.
And then crowing over the others as well to rub their faces in their non-existent victory.
I mean, these are quite protoplasmic emails.
No insult to the people who've emailed, but maybe the broth will thicken us.
No insult.
You're calling them protoplasm.
Call them amoebas, why not?
Single cell organisms.
That's not what I'm trying to say.
You know what I mean.
This idea is snowballing and the snowball is quite small.
Maxine in Bexhill.
I once came across a monopoly set at my boyfriend's house and we decided to have a friendly game.
He won.
I demanded four rematches and lost each game.
At this point, I burst into tears and my bemused boyfriend now refuses to play with me ever again.
Now, this is another good thing.
It happens with Connect 4 a lot.
Rematch.
Best of three, best of five, best of ten, best of twenty.
Do you know what I mean?
Just not letting go.
I will win this one.
It's terrible.
I mean, it's shocking.
If you're a person with a gambling problem and you're betting money on these kind of things, that's how you end up like a massive loser.
Yes.
Yeah, that's bad.
I mean, that's entering into a different and dangerous area, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
My Uncle David once tossed a whole chessboard and pieces into the fire because he was losing against my dad.
Uncle Dave!
Dad forgave him, even though it was his chess set telling me his behaviour was typical of his brother because he was highly strung due to him being an actor.
Caroline from Cambridge.
What would happen if you were playing chess with with Blessed and Callo?
I've beaten you again, my friend!
I'm going to put the chess set in the fire!
No!
Stop it!
That's my favorite chess set!
It's burning!
Can you see it burning?
That's what would happen.
Oh, my ears are in pain.
Wow, I'm so glad I didn't buy that house between Blessed and Callow.
Yeah.
That would have been a disaster.
So keep those emails and texts coming in.
The text number is 64046, the email adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk, arguments, horrible arguments you've had over supposedly fun domestic games.
Here's the polyphonic spree right now with their high watermark.
In my humble opinion, this is soldier girl.
Oh no!
Who left the door open?
I'm really sorry listeners, I know some of you really object to this.
He's very vocal today.
Hello bogins!
Don't come too close, don't come too close.
Hello, Boggins.
I'm gonna just jump on your leg.
Ben, can I borrow your glove?
I'm gonna jump on your leg for a little bit.
Just give me that plastic bag and I'll rub it round my hand.
Give it a little rub if that's okay, I love you.
That's not a plastic bag, that's a piece of paper.
Alright, no, don't bend, don't worry, don't worry.
I rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub.
I'm just giving him a little pat on the headlessness, but I've put plastic round my hand.
Oh, jeepers.
What is that?
That's like fish.
There's a, oh, and a bit of pee.
That's got so many notes in it.
It's like really elaborate.
I love you.
Reculsive perfume.
I'm just gonna, listen bruv, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna drag myself across the carpet.
Boggins is a dog.
To itch my glands if that's okay.
I love you.
He's doing that thing now.
He's very noisy.
He's intrusive.
Oh, that's just a little bit repulsive.
Poor Boggins.
Listen, so Boggins is this dog that wanders around here in the BBC.
Boggins, do it again!
Get him out!
What's he doing?
Get out!
He's getting rid of Boggins!
There's a chimney in here!
Boggins!
Why is he here?
I don't know.
He got let in.
I think it was... Well, you went out to the toilet and then... Went to get some water and then I came through.
And then there was boggins.
I mean, we've had quite a bit of correspondence about boggins.
Has he been dragging himself?
There is a bit of a sort of a trail across the carpet, but he's ill, man.
Be nice.
Kieran from Southfields, me and my housemate were distraught to hear about possibly putting down boggins on last week's podcast.
So much so, we've founded the S.O.B.
group, Save Our Boggins.
What you both fail to realise is he's not just your dog, he is the nation's dog.
The nation's favourite dog.
This message from Glenn Simpson is not quite so positive.
Although I'm a dog person, not a half man half dog you understand, but someone who likes dogs,
I plead with you to put boggins down, as hearing a grown man pretend to be a dog and eat his own poo while licking another grown man's face is just wrong and makes me feel uncomfortable week in week out.
He says something about... Hearing a... Hearing a grown man pretend to be a dog.
What's that about?
I have no idea what he means by that.
Why are you reading that one out?
Well, I just thought it was interesting.
He finishes up by saying, it ranks up there with George Galloway pretending to be a cat.
Stop the madness in capitals.
Kill the dog.
Ta ta for now.
Glenn Simpson.
Well...
Yeah, I mean, as you know, listeners, we've been thinking about humanely killing, executing boggins.
I mean, we think it would be good for ratings, because we would do it on the show.
The public execution.
That's the way broken Britain's headed anyway, right?
Well, it's the big British castle.
It's a medieval, atavistic, atavistic organization.
It's the kind of thing they're good at.
We could dust off the stocks or the guillotine.
But then we've had a lot of people who love Boggins.
For instance, Ian says Boggins reminds him a lot of his old dog Bertie.
Bertie was adopted when he was about 100 years old.
He was blind and deaf, clambered about with a strange toothless grin, often wandering into a room and doing a massive wee while grinning gormlessly at you.
That's like you, Adam.
His breath smelled like death, his poos were horrific and he was clumsy and simple, but he was literally the best dog ever.
Whenever I hear boggins coming to the studio, I get a mental image of a gigantic Bertie.
I would say he's not as nice as Bertie.
Please don't ever kill boggins.
No, that's a nice message.
I mean, it's a very, very difficult situation.
Have you seen Up, the film Up?
Yeah, sure I have.
You know there's a dog in there who reminded me a lot of boggins.
Who talks, yeah, they have little sandboxes.
He says, I love you.
Yes.
Are you like squirrels?
Right, yeah.
He says, point squirrel!
Yeah.
That is a good one.
Well, some people have suggested that Boggins could have a media career.
Yeah.
I mean, at the moment, he's just an intrusion and on a basic phonic level.
He also sounds like a comedian called Brian Gittens.
Does he?
Yeah, you should check out Brian Gittens.
He's very funny, but he sounds a lot like Boggins.
Does he?
I don't know what to do about Boggins.
I think just keep him out of the studio and the problem will go away, even if the stink doesn't.
I mean, the stink is overpowering.
That's the main problem with it.
Some people have suggested washing him.
I don't want to touch him.
Well, we'll bring some protective clothing in and maybe give bogins a bath next week.
Here's Superfurry Animals with something for the weekend.
Superfurry Animals there with something for the weekend.
You're tuned to BBC Six Music.
It's a digital station.
You've got a DAB radio.
Well done.
You're one of the trendsetters.
You're going out there and you're an early adopter.
You could be listening on the internet.
Many people do.
Now you've made me look ridiculous.
Have you ever played with an internet radio?
Er... A radio with like a Wi-Fi connection.
They're amazing.
Are they?
Why are they better than normal ones?
Because you can get any radio station in the entire world.
Oh, in the world!
And you can get any podcast in the entire world.
Woah.
And there's a radio station for every tiny niche of music.
Oh my gosh.
That you're interested in.
And a lot of them don't have any talking.
So can you organise it by genre and stuff like that?
Yeah.
That's the only thing is that selection is so infinite that they haven't really sussed the interface to make it easy, that easy to find what you want.
Certainly not on my one.
Over William, over Willem... What?
Over Wilhelmet.
Over Helmed Willem.
By the Wilhem.
Smokey Robinson.
Yes, the Smokestar.
The Smokestack.
The Robber.
He was part of the BBC's Electric Proms, uh, Shabash, and he performed their... Baking Shabash?
Yeah.
Excuse me.
He performed...
He performed last Saturday, or at least the concert that he'd done, went out on Radio 2 last Saturday around 8.30pm.
We were alerted to this fact by Ed Althwaite.
Thank you very much, Ed.
He sent in a message basically saying that Smokey Robinson had done a little joke there.
We're going to have some made up jokes later on in this programme.
Smokey had attempted to say a joke to the crowd.
Yeah.
Let's have a listen right now.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
We have out a new CD and a new album.
Vinyl is back, you guys.
So we have a sebum or an LD.
No.
What was the guy shouting?
we have a sebum or an Aldi so he's swapping the the beginning the first consonant an album and a CD so he's a sebum a sebum i mean sebum's not a very attractive word no i can remember using the word sebum and you hearing it for the first time ever yeah and you reacted as if i'd dropped some kind of brain bomb it was amazing you couldn't get over sebum well you'll see
I said oily sebum.
Oily sebum.
Sebum is an oily substance which is secreted by the sebaceous glands in mammalian skin.
Sure it is, sure it is.
Main purpose, to make the skin and hair waterproof and to protect them from drying out.
Oily sebum.
If you go on YouTube, there's videos of people squeezing out oily sebum.
No, you don't even say that.
How many did you watch?
Quite a few.
You love that kind of thing.
Any kind of snake bite or... Oh, dear.
I don't feel like a person that does love those things, but when I start watching them, I can't stop.
Why?
You're like David Cronenberg.
Fascinated by the breakdown of the human body.
Sebum.
And the other one he mentioned was Aldi.
I mean, it's a peculiar collision of words.
Aldi is a shop, is it?
Yeah, is that just peculiar to Britain?
Not sure about that.
There may be Aldi's in all kinds of countries.
C. Bummon Aldi.
It's so weird to hear Smokey Robinson saying those words on the stage.
He didn't get a huge response, did he?
He got a niche response.
It's confusing.
From the crowd.
C. Bummon Aldi.
We have out.
And the other thing is his grandma was so sort of arcane.
We have out a new CD.
and a new album.
So we have a Seabum or an Aldi.
Who sent that in?
Ed Althwaite.
Thank you, Ed.
Well spotted.
And as I said, we've got some made up jokes coming up in the last half hour of the programme.
But right now, here is another free choice for you.
It's another Halloween themed one.
And it's Johnny Cash with Ghost Riders in the Sky.
Johnny Cash there with Ghost Riders in the Sky, and Adam and Joel on BBC6 Music.
I'd just like to say something that's a bit boring, really.
But I've been at the London Film Festival a lot in the last few weeks, and it's just been amazing.
It's not within my ken, is that a phrase?
Right.
Is it a phrase?
Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Within my ken.
Within our ken, usually.
Yeah.
To like just randomly plug things.
But I had such an amazing time.
Yeah.
Have you ever been to a film festival?
No, the whole of Leicester Square London's Leicester Square was sort of taken over by it.
I saw fantastic.
Mr. Fox.
Oh, yes I saw Mick Maxx the new Janae film.
You know the guy that did delicatessen.
Yeah, how was that?
It was it was good Yeah, I saw no where boy.
I saw the new harmony Corinne trash humpers.
You love him.
Don't you?
I do like a bit of harmony Corinne trash humpers good.
That sounds like a
parody of a Harmony Corinne.
Can you guess what it's about?
I mean, for younger listeners, Harmony Corinne is a kind of enfant terribler, kind of outsider artist type guy.
Not so much of the enfant anymore, though, is he?
No, no.
Yeah, he's married now and got a little kid.
But he was when he first burst on the scene.
He wrote the script to Larry Clark's film Kids when he was about.
17 or something.
And he specializes in doing the weirdest of the weird.
Trash hampers.
Can you guess what it's about?
It's about vagrants who go around shagging other vagrants.
No.
The clue's in trash hampers.
They shag bins.
Oh, I was thinking, like, surely they don't just shank the bins.
Yeah, they do.
And they make chicken noises.
And that's pretty much it for an hour.
And he introduced the film at the National Film Theatre, or the BFI South Bank, as we have to call it now, and he said...
This is quite a weird film.
If you're the kind of person who walks out of things, then you should just walk out now.
There's no point in walking out during the film, you'll spoil it.
So if you're a walker out, just please do it now.
Did people walk out?
No, nobody walked out at that point, but then the trash humping started.
and quite a few people walked out but it was quite cool because it's like a test can you endure this can you endure these images and you were sat there whooping I was loving it waving flags I loved it but it was such fun and I don't know it was just lots of people I knew were there
And it was so enjoyable.
And it just seems to me to be going from strength to strength.
And if you like films, it's such an amazing place to see them.
Is it still continuing?
No, it finished last week.
But there are film festivals all over Britain, aren't there?
Nottingham, Bristol, Edinburgh, amazing.
And if you've never been to one and you like films, you should really check it out.
And do you love those Q&A?
Do you see weird stuff that I like a good Q&A?
I like a good really awkward question from an audience.
Because I would say about half the time, directors seem ill-equipped to actually do public speaking.
Do you think, I think most of the time, the public are ill-equipped to ask questions?
Well, it's a bit of both, isn't it?
There's usually one person in an audience for a Q&A.
that thinks they know more about the personal stage than anyone else in the world, and thinks they deserve to be sort of taken under that artist's wing.
So they'll ask a really complicated question that's designed more to state how much they know than it is to actually ask the question, and it can be quite excruciating.
You're right.
Yeah, that happens quite often.
People using quotes and stuff like that to really show off their knowledge.
And then a lot of the time, the director just gets confused and doesn't really understand the question.
Yeah, or if it's a cheeky director, he'll sort of throw it back in his face and humiliate the person.
And then you'll see their brain trying to deal with their hero kind of rebuffing their big, you know, their big gambit.
And then there's the person who feels the best way to deal with a big famous director is to be quite aggressive and rude.
Provocative, yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
And then there's the Q&A's when just no one asks anything.
Yeah.
When they turn.
And now it's time, that's enough of me.
Here's a chance for you guys to ask questions.
Who's got a question?
Anyone got a question for?
Nothing.
Anyone at all?
Okay, well let's talk a little bit more about the costumes.
But man, the London Film Festival was amazing and I had such a good time and I do recommend if you should check out if you like films, your local film festival if there is one, because it is probably going to be wicked.
It's absolutely wicked.
Viva Film.
Is that the message?
That's basically the message.
Here's CSS with Let's Make Love and Listen to Death from Above.
Ooh, freaky, unpleasant noise.
There you go, that CSS with let's make love and listen to death.
It was a bit though, wasn't it?
At the end there.
This is BBC 6 music, it's just gone 11.30, it's time for the news.
We had a little audio messaging from a couple of listeners, James Shepherd and his brother, Rory, they sent us a little clip, it's quite nice, they're from Australia, you just play it in Ben.
And just so you know, we are from Australia, and we just want to say... Do you want to say anything more?
We like Adam and Jo, and we're kids.
Yes.
Retro Technicians here!
Bye-bye!
Love you too.
Love you Joe at the end there sings your jingle and then says love you Joe Thanks very much for reaching out across the ocean to smack me in the face I don't care if they're 12 and 11 and they're cool.
I know
I don't care that a smack in the face is still a smack in the face.
Are you going to get on an economy flight?
Whether it's from an 11-year-old Australian or a burly bouncer from South End.
Are you angry enough to go straight to the airport after the program and fly to Harvey in Australia and go and have it out with them?
Yeah, I've got some money saved.
I could be in Australia by tomorrow afternoon and I would lamp that guy right back for the insult that he'd done on me.
I was knocking the door.
Yeah.
Hi.
What's his name?
Harvey and... No, James and Rory.
They live in Harvey.
Yeah.
Good day, mate!
Which one is James and which one is Rory?
Yeah, suppose you think it was funny reaching across the ocean with your audio message to smack me in the face on national radio by saying, he's singing Joe's Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle and then saying I love you Joe at the end.
Well, how about this?
Smack lamp.
And I'd get it in there before the cops came.
And then they'd love you.
Oh, yes, I'm losing sight of the point of the trip, isn't it?
The point is not to punish them, it's to convince them that I'm more lovable than you are.
Yeah, but you didn't think about that on the flight over, you just watched all the films.
I just thought I got absorbed in the films and the free food.
Anyway, thanks James and Rory for sending that in.
I loved it.
Now I loved it too James and Rory.
I'm only joking with you.
That's very sweet.
I would encourage the practice of messages being sent in from whoever.
Hey, what are we going to do now?
Are we going to do some more text the nation at some point?
Or have we got some random waffle or what?
We've got a lot to get to.
We've got less than 20 minutes of the show.
We've still got made up jokes, yo.
Well, let's do that right now.
Why not?
All right.
Have you got the made up jokes jingle, Ben?
This is testing Ben on the hoof powers to the absolute maximum.
James, coffee styling is away this week.
And Ben, apple yard.
That's an easy name to remember.
I mean, that's the image right there already for you.
He's fighting his bottom lip like some sort of, I don't know, slightly... Bernapple yards.
Our favourite stand-in producer is here with us and he has queued up the made-up jokes jingle and here it is.
I'm a funny person I often make up jokes
My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks.
When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree.
Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party.
I love Adam's made-up jokes, Jingle.
Made-up joke party.
Why couldn't he have done that?
Hey, if you're aged 12 and you like Adam,
then record a little message for him because he's getting really bruised.
It's made up joke time listeners.
These are supposed to be jokes that you've genuinely authored and they're supposed to be some way decent.
They're not supposed to deliberately send us bad jokes.
Um, we're getting a lot, as well.
I mean, it's... I'm not sure that the ones I've picked out are absolutely the top humdingers, cos there were hundreds.
Can I give you an example of something that... Someone who's got it slightly wrong, in my opinion.
This is Flav Collins, or Flare of Collins, has said the same.
She's not gonna be sending you a little audio.
I think it might be a guy.
I mean, anyway, I'm pretty confident, he says, this is one of the worst made up jokes ever, right up there with Annie Lennox.
Hey.
So, already there's problems there.
Yeah, that's not a bad joke.
It's a brilliant joke, Annie Lennox, and you're not supposed to deliberately do bad ones.
His joke is, why did the nanny get fired from working in the China shop?
I don't know.
Too many drop-ins.
And then he puts in brackets, Mary Poppins.
Mmm, so that's just, that's just kind of no disrespect to the individual, but that's just poor, right?
And he says, I made that up out of my own imagination.
So, Flav, no disrespect, as Joe says.
Thanks very much for sending it in, Flav.
But I think you've got the wrong end of the stick there.
It's not supposed to be deliberately absolutely Barney Rubbles, which is what you've done.
Give us a properly good one, Joe.
How, well, that's quite a thing to ask me to do, isn't it?
I'll give you one of the ones that I pulled out and stuck in.
How does Timothy Claypole keep in touch with the rest of Rent-A-Ghost?
Oh, good retro reference.
Best one for dads.
Yeah, I don't know.
They use Facebook.
Facebook.
Fa-spook.
Timothy Claypole was a fa-spook.
He was a little fa-spook.
Fa-spook.
And that's good because it fuses the retrograde with the contemporaneous.
And it's also a very retrograneous, as Smokey Robinson might say.
Yeah.
It's a very nice assessment of the character of Mr. Claypole.
As well.
Yeah.
It's a nice way of putting it.
Yeah.
You could be less complimentary about what Mr. Claypole was like.
Yes.
If you were like, you know, if you were an unpleasant person.
Here's a message from Yasha, a joke rather, and she says, Dear Dr. Buckles and Professor Cornballs, how did the brat pack unscrew a smutty roasted nut that had a cross on top?
Now that's a good setup.
Unscrew a whaty?
A smutty roasted nut.
With a cross on top.
Oh man, if you gave me a few minutes, I bet you I'd be able to deduce that.
Do you reckon?
Yeah.
They used a lewd Armand Phillips head screwdriver.
What?
The lewd diamond Phillips head screwdriver.
Oh, I wouldn't have got that.
I mean, so the only connection to the Bratpeck is lewd diamond Phillips.
Yeah.
That's pretty tenuous.
Yeah, but the rest of it fits.
The smutty roasted nut allude on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's good, it's good.
I mean, that's becoming quite a typical thing for people to do when they send in these jokes, is to kind of work backwards.
I guess that's the precedent that Anilinox set.
Work backwards?
Yeah, from some bizarre phrase.
Yeah.
Here's one from Ben in Liverpool.
I don't know.
Press that in.
There's Shoulder Blade.
Press it in from Ben in Liverpool.
I'm hoping that writing the jokes in green helps them to get read out as it seems to have worked for other people.
How does he know what colour other people live in?
Because I mentioned when I read that other one out, I Love You, Lee.
I Love You, Lee.
Still one of my favourites.
We didn't do the right accent.
I made it amazing.
I love you, Lee.
I love you.
I love you, Lee.
I still one of my favourite.
I'd say that's my number two after it.
Because it was the Norwich accent even.
It was, but I think by not doing the Norwich accent, I made it a bit more awkward and added a bit more.
But it's better because it's perfect for the Norwich accent because it goes, I love you, Lee.
Yeah, I love your line.
Anyway, here's one right now.
And we've had variations on this one from several other listeners.
I won't name them all.
It's impossible, but please calm down.
Don't write in in an angry way.
If this is a variational one, you've already sent in.
Dear Adam and Jo, this is from Georgie.
My boyfriend James has made up a joke that I've been meaning to share for months.
Here it is.
How do you turn red wine into a rabbi?
Reduce it on a hob until it becomes a dew.
or a Jew.
Well, Adam Buxton, that's quite an interesting joke to read.
Georgie says, I think it's a goodie and he's proud of it.
My only worry is that it could possibly be slightly offensive.
Hopefully the big British castle will deem it readoutable.
We didn't actually run it past anyone.
Adam the big British Adam Buxton deemed it readoutable.
Because, you know, it's just a play on the word Jew.
Yeah, I think we should move on.
How is that offensive, just the word?
I don't know, it's just making me feel nervous, the whole thing.
It's created an unnervous... Someone get boggins in.
Boggins?
Here boy, come on, boggins.
Oh, boggins, thank God for that.
I'm gonna give you a hot boggins.
I love you, bruv.
So, a turn to enter a rabbi.
Oh no.
It almost sounds as if boggins is telling that joke.
Let's get boggins out.
Out.
Come on, boggins.
Go on, go out.
Go, go, go.
Go away.
Go on, close the door.
Why did Boggins... I just went out to get some water because I was a bit nervous about that rabbi joke and then Boggins just scampered past him.
He came in to save the day.
You got another one there?
Super Boggins.
You know, I do but it's not very good.
I mean, well it's good but I think it's probably an old one.
Oh, come on.
Because it's a, it goes like this, which hip hop rap star only eats Mexican food?
Hmm.
Chili corn, Kanye West.
Oh, that's, it's old, isn't it?
But it's good.
Yeah, is it?
Chloe.
Em, Em, Emilia Barter.
Here's one from Paul O'Connor.
My manga-obsessed friend is now stalking a particularly wooden actress.
Oh, is he?
This is in the form of a conversation.
Yeah, my manga obsessed friend is now stalking a particularly wooden actress.
Oh, is he?
Yes.
He started watching Akira Knightley.
That's good.
That's very good.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
I was just thinking there it would be fun to get really famous actors to perform these jokes, but in a conversational style.
Yeah.
Because can you imagine De Niro and Wolkan?
Like on a street corner in New York, turning to each other and just casually delivering those lines?
Can you imagine Buxton doing it?
Mmm, only if he got squashed by something afterwards.
Or something in his eye.
We should try and get some other brilliant actors, as well, apart from A. Buckles.
A. Buckles.
You know, because it's a little bit insulting for you to just suddenly mention De Niro and walk.
And then you're in the room.
They're okay.
So basically I kind of ran out of time to harvest made-up jokes, and I think I've got some quite average ones.
Here's one final one before we move on, because we've still got a wrap-up text the nation in the name of Flip.
This is from Nick Deer.
How much does it cost Cockneys to wash their hair?
I don't know.
Nice!
Here's LL Cool J, this is Rock the Bells.
Well, we're nearly running out of time, listeners, so we thought we should just do one more little packet of text-a-nation.
So have you got the jingle there, Ben, quickly?
Text-a-nation!
Text, text, text!
Text-a-nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text-a-nation!
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
And Text the Nation is all about furious arguments and confrontations that have arisen out of fun family games.
Yeah.
Board games, cards, that kind of thing.
Here's an anonymous one.
My dad once stormed out of the room and declared that a game of Cranium didn't count because my two little sisters had won.
His reason was that it wasn't fair because they were twins.
And they've got the same cranium.
Some kind of psychic ability.
They've got similar braniums.
That's not impressive for Dad.
Come on Dad, that is bad on a number of levels.
Tom and Cardiff.
Once when I was younger we were engaged in a family game of Scrabble.
We were pretty deep into the game and the board was filling up with toiled words.
It was my turn, but I couldn't deploy the word I wanted.
My family kept nagging me to make my turn.
It was stressing me out.
So I picked up the whole board and threw it onto the kitchen floor, thus ruining the game for everyone.
I've never played Scrabble since.
Tom and Cardiff, is that a good tactic if you're losing?
To throw the whole thing on the floor.
I mean, it's conclusive, isn't it?
But people do tend to think of you as an idiot hole thereafter.
That's the risk, isn't it?
Freddie Elsom says, whenever I play my girlfriend at chess, I always win.
I gain great satisfaction by making fight noises and explosions when I take her king, ultimately resulting in the destruction of the chessboard as my victorious piece kicks and headbutts all her pieces.
When I tire of this, I demand, loser cleans up!
and leave the room now what about that like over-the-top celebratory behavior yeah when you're pulling ahead to just taunt your opponents that causes problems immediately that can be the kind of spark that lights the fuse that ends in the argument and we got time for one more the fuse that broke the camels
When the family was bonding over a jigsaw, I would secrete a piece somewhere about my person so I could always have the joyous satisfaction of inserting the last bit.
Woah!
Geordie Alex from Holloway.
You are a super-ponce, Geordie Alex.
That's crafty.
I think he's a mega-dude.
I thought you were going to say secrete an oily sebum.
Oily sebum.
And finally, Anne Tebs.
Adam and Jo, my ex-boyfriend and family invited their Uncle Brian round for Christmas dinner.
They decided to have an after dinner game of Jenga.
After a few glasses of wine, Uncle Brian started insisting that they play Jenga for money.
The family objected since it was Christmas Day, and knowing that their uncle is a little highly strung.
Eventually, they conceded to keep Uncle Brian happy.
Unfortunately, Uncle Brian lost numerous games.
He kicked the game across the living room floor, shouting hysterically, quote, I'll kill you and your family.
Close quotes.
Merry Christmas, Anne.
I'll kill you!
Let's play for money!
Come on, you paddy!
Let's play social money!
I'll kill you and your family!
Uncle Brian?
Uncle Brian, yeah.
Uncle Brian round again.
So listeners, we're going to be away next week.
We got business to attend to.
Sorry about that.
But there's a big treat waiting for you because Richard Herring and Andrew Collins will be filling in for us.
They do an extremely good podcast and they're going to be doing their business here at the Big British Castle, which is exciting for us and for you.
So yes, that's something to look forward to.
However, we will have a little place holding podcast, which we're just about to record now.
So not only will you be able to download a podcast of this week's show on Monday, but the Monday thereafter, there'll be a little special nugget there for you as well.
Take care, listeners.
Stay tuned for this.
Sure.
Have a wonderful week.
I love you.
Bye.