Hello and welcome to the Big British Castle!
It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio!
Dexi's Midnight Runners.
That's Dance Stance.
This is Adam here.
Hey, this is Joe.
We were just discussing the Black Squadron command this morning, and you know I've been feeling listeners that maybe, uh, Count Buckhilly's feels a little estranged from Black Squadron as a force.
No.
So I think maybe this week it might be good if you thought of the command and announced it.
I'm not putting it on you.
I'm giving you the incredible opportunity.
to command Black Squadron, Britain's elite listening force, to issue the command.
Are you up for that?
I mean, it's not going to happen for a few minutes, but we could discuss it a little more and then you could issue the command.
It gives you a real sense of responsibility and power.
No, you don't want to abuse that responsibility.
Well, you can a little.
You don't want to send one of the most powerful forces into the world into some kind of pathetic, ludicrous and slightly pornographic skirmish.
No, you have to be very careful about the command issue, as we've been every week.
Yeah.
So that's exciting, Black Squadron.
There might be a different voice issuing your command.
It'll give a new atmosphere to the task, and that's something to get very excited about this Saturday morning.
I'm nervous.
Are we going to do it at the end of this link even?
We could do it into Cousins by Vampire Weekend.
It's up to you.
You're the squadron commander.
And remember, if you do a wonky command, you could lose the trust and faith of your squadron.
It's a huge amount of... I mean, these are cutting edge brains as well out there.
He's really building it up, listeners, because he knows I'm going to issue like a pathetic command.
Well, can it be more pathetic than some of the previous commands?
Well, you've got a peculiar genius for inspiring the troops.
Do you think?
With your slightly pathetic commands.
God bless you.
And my, you know where my brain is.
Hey, let's not load it ahead of time.
Let's wait and see what happens and then judge it.
What a beautiful morning, Listers.
I mean, this is the kind of morning where you just give thanks for being alive.
Ooga-booga.
And you just skip and hop along and sing to yourself.
That's what Bob Puffs yourself say.
Exactly.
That's just thrown out of yet another nightclub by a gorilla.
Exactly.
And we very much appreciate the fact that you've decided to join us on this lovely morning.
We've got exciting things coming up for you later in the show, retro textination.
We had a wonderful overwhelming response to last week's textination subject and we'll be filling you in on some of the replies we got.
We'll be filling you in on what happened.
I'm trying to tease but then my brain starts shutting down when I do like what's coming up in the show.
Was it really an overwhelming response?
It was really good.
In what sense?
Quantity or emotion?
Quality.
Yeah, we got some really good messages from others.
We split the email reading this week, listeners.
I did Saturday, Sunday, Monday.
Adam did Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
And Friday, I think.
Did you do Friday?
Yeah.
I must say, I wasn't overwhelmed by the response.
Were you?
You got the bad days.
On Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.
I was overwhelmed by other things.
Yeah.
I think the thing that happens is sometimes our podcast listeners listen during the week and then they tend to respond in the latter half of the week.
Can you be whelmed?
Yes, certainly.
You can be under whelmed.
You can just be whelmed.
Can you be whelmed?
You don't hear people being whelmed very often.
Oh, I'm often whelmed.
What does that mean?
That just means sort of average, sort of savagely satisfied.
That's pretty good, yeah.
That's pretty well-me.
People should use that more.
Definitely.
Listen, should we issue the command for the squadron?
Well, that's up to you, isn't it?
Yeah, I think we should.
I think we should.
So listen, if you're a recent tune-in to this programme, Black Squadron are the elite listening force that listen live right now on Saturday morning between 9 and 9.30.
And of course next week this show is starting at 10am.
We're moving forward an hour.
We're not sure how this is going to affect the squadron, but it certainly gives an atmosphere of particular import to the following command.
Remember, your task is to take a photograph based on the command that Count Buckley's is about to issue, then text it to us, the number is 64046, or you can email adamandjo.6music at bbc.co.uk.
Remember, text will be charged at your standard message rate, and any photo you send us may well turn up on our blog.
That's important to remember for this command, because Black Squadron, your command this week
is Fun Bath at Vampire Weekend with Cousins, the first single from their second album, Contra, which I think is going to be released in the new year.
You can see an amazing video for that online right now, which is directed by a friend of the show, Garth Jennings.
So he's done a wonderful job, went out to New York and did a budget on, he had a budget of like very few
Pounds.
He did a budget.
I know, it came out right.
Right out to New York.
He did a budget of very few pounds.
That's music video lingo.
Listen, forget all this waffle.
Fun bath.
Yeah.
Was that the command?
Fun bath.
What's wrong with that?
No, it's good.
It's just... Oh, wait.
You, your filthy mind, are thinking filthy thoughts about... Well, people usually bathe in the nutty.
Do you?
Is that what you're asking for?
What are you asking for with a fun bath?
Well, it's up to the... What are you expecting?
I mean, people could just get in the bath fully clothed.
Is that what you're after?
If that's fun.
And have fun.
Sure.
It's not a prurient command if that's what you're suggesting.
Yeah.
No.
Well, that's your dirty mind that you've got to sort out.
Is it?
There's lots of ways of having family fun in the bath.
Oh, hello.
We've got some.
It's for... I thought... That aren't problematic.
Oh, that is a fun bath.
There you go!
That is a fun bath.
Come on.
That's from the Crammond Black Squadron.
Claire and Andrew.
You know, they send in a photo every week.
Yeah.
And they're in the bath and they are eating sticky buns.
There you go!
Brilliant.
Perfect.
Fun bath.
Bun in the bath.
Bun fun.
Explain that, Adam.
What?
Explain what?
Explain why they're eating buns.
It has a special significance, doesn't it?
How do you mean?
Well, when Black Squadron has stood down, they have a nice warm bath and a bun, don't they?
There you go!
It's your own jingle.
There's a little chat.
He is having a fun bath.
Look at that.
Look at that guy.
He's very small.
He's in the bath.
He is called Tommy and he's got all his little bath toys lined up along the edge.
I used to do the very same thing.
Sure.
Did you have one of those racks that stretches across the middle of the bath?
Never had a rack.
I always coveted the rack.
But I used to have a tub of toys in the little chest next to the bath.
Sure, we've got the same thing.
And I had very extravagant games.
I could be in the bath for up to an hour and a half playing with them toys.
Each corner would be a different room or area.
Did you used to complain about getting in the bath, but once you were in, you couldn't be got out?
Often, and I used to do the flannel as if it was the Loch Ness Monster.
How'd you do that?
Well, you just hold it, you pinch a corner and then you whisk it through the water like a kind of serpent, and then it would loom up and attack people on the edge of the bath.
It was very exciting.
Did you used to slide around causing tidal waves and tsunamis?
Most death.
Yeah.
And then sometimes they were so violent they would... It'd slop over the edge.
Slop over your parents to get absolutely furious.
A big bucket of water slopping over the edge.
Yeah, you'd have to mop it all up with the bath mat.
Are you having baths with your brother there?
What?
In the past?
What do you mean?
Oh, there in the past?
Yeah.
When we were very small, yeah.
And fights and friction there?
There'd be no fights in the bath.
That's very dangerous.
You have to be very careful in the bath.
There's always fights in the bath, because you battle about who gets the tap end, first of all.
Do you think?
Of course.
I mean, that's not pole position by the taps there.
Do you not think?
Unless you want to control the... Exactly.
You can control the flow of the Vassar.
Yeah.
Anyway, so keep those photographs coming in.
A lot of fun baths.
Keep them clean, obviously.
There's another fun one.
Karen and Ben.
Ben, age 3, from Southsea.
That is a very fun bath.
I've never seen anyone have so much fun in the bath, and that guy, he's wearing a mink.
coat and a baseball hat in the bath.
That is fun.
He looks like he's in a coffin, that guy.
Oh, someone's done a happy shaving foam face on the side of the bath.
I mean, this could be a record-breaking Black Squad.
Quantity-wise, what are you aiming for?
I mean, usually we get about, what is it, between 120 and 140?
Are you hoping to smash the 150 barrier?
Very much hoping that Black Squadron can help us smash the 150 barrier for fun bath photos today.
That would be extraordinary.
This is from Simon and Jancy in Hitchin.
She's in the bath, she's playing Countdown.
And look at that, she's got the Countdown board game.
She's spelled out fun bath.
Well, not really.
She's spelled out fart bun.
But it's early in the game.
Farts belt F-A-H-T.
Hard.
Thanks for those.
I've got a free play right now, listeners.
And this is a bit of classic Roxy music.
I heard this the other day, and it sounded amazingly ahead of its time.
What is this?
Mid-70s, I think?
From their album, Siren.
I'm not sure about that.
I should have checked, I suppose.
But this is Both Ends Burning.
Um, yeah.
A Norwegian wood.
Norwegian wood, ya could ya.
Who was the girl that presented that show?
Wasn't it Kerry Katona?
No.
Did it have done that show?
Woodja Kudja.
That was presented by a worryingly thin girl, I seem to remember.
Kerry Katona.
That was, of course, The Beatals with Norwegian Wood.
Paul McCartney, Sir Paul, will be the first guest of Lauren Laverne on her new six music show.
Yes.
From 10am on Monday morning, she'll be starting.
I mean, that is a pretty good first guest.
Yeah.
How did she bag Sir Paul Macca?
That's unbelievable, is she gone?
Yeah, she's got tentacles... She does have tentacles, doesn't she?
She's got a serious tentacle problem.
She stuffed them in her shoes.
I mean, I can't believe you mentioned her tentacles on air.
Well, I'm sorry, but the world had to know at some point.
You're friends with her.
She's not going to be pleased about it.
But her tentacles have extended... They've extended, don't make it worse.
Hear me out.
Her tentacles have extended from the holes in her shoes all through the media sphere and up the trouser legs of many famous people.
including Sir Paul McCartney.
One of her tentacles went up his trouser leg and wrapped round his little old thigh top.
What happened then?
It's like alien.
Yeah, that's why he's in on Monday morning.
Oh, I see.
It's dragging him through London at the moment.
So if you look out your window and see Paul McCartney.
Hey, I've got a tentacle.
What's going on?
He drags past your window by one of Lauren Laverne's tentacles.
That's what's happening.
What a response to the Black Squadron command, particularly Dono in the bath on his bike.
He's a young man who's actually, I repeat, in the bath on his bicycle.
That is a fun bath.
Camilla and Rihanna from Wantage have filled a bath with an amazing array of toys.
And there's a photo from a couple of people called JB and Chapman Scoop that I believe is probably one they took earlier, a kind of a special photo project.
because it's a beautifully laid out entanglement of nude limbs in a bath of kind of... Foliage and stuff.
Foliage.
Yes, it looks a bit like, you know, the lady in the lake, or... But it looks... Adam was thinking maybe they had actually thrown it together in response to the Black Squadron command, but I... You're suspicious because it looks too sophisticated.
Suspicious would be the wrong word, but it looks like it's something they've spent a while arranging.
Well, it's very impressive.
We'd like to know if you just took that, or if it was indeed created beforehand.
Anyway, thanks for all those.
Keep them coming in.
You've got a few minutes left, Black Squadron.
So Paul McCartney-wise though, you may remember if you were listening last week that we were talking about having been... Was it last week or the week before even?
The week before even.
We were invited to switch on the lights at Stella McCartney's shop and we didn't do it in the end.
Joe decided that he wasn't able to do it because it was...
Too scary, right?
Yeah, I've just got brain problems.
You know what it was actually?
I don't think I really focused on it properly.
All I could think of was I get quite nervous at public events and that I couldn't deal with it.
Exactly.
Well, The Mighty Bush were invited to do the honours in the end.
And they did a fabulous job.
You may have seen pictures of them in the papers this week.
But we got a message from Dave Brown, who Mighty Boosh fans will know plays Bolo and is part of the Mighty Boosh band and also the designer of a lot of their artworks.
Isn't he someone's brother?
Is he Noel's brother?
No, no, no, that's Naboo.
Oh, yeah.
Dave Brown is a very talented guy, musical guy, and a designer guy, and also a polo guy, and he sent this message, Hi Adam and Joe just wanted to say a huge thank you to Joe for turning down Stella McCartney's invite to turn on her Christmas lights.
If you had agreed, we wouldn't have been asked to do it, and we would have missed out on a night we will all remember for the rest of our lives.
I'm so crammed full of anecdotes now I can barely breathe.
Macca sends hugs to Adam obviously and not Joe.
When I first mentioned your names, he screamed, no one turns down a McCartney and threw a mince pie at Joe Wood.
I think just because he was so angry at that name.
While we were getting ready to turn on Stella's lights, we overheard Sir Paul in the next room playing a song he'd obviously prepared for you two.
We secretly recorded it shortly after he began weeping and smashing things up.
Oh dear, Hope Corn on the cobbles is happy with himself.
And here's the bit of music that he's sent in.
So Paul's gone for Ben?
Not trash.
Oh my god.
That's pretty amazing, isn't it?
That's incredible.
Sir Paul McCartney singing the retro text the nation theme.
Yeah.
Sorry, but my dreaming.
No, you're not.
That's absolutely phenomenal.
So that's him in the next-door room while they were waiting to go on.
Yeah, yeah.
And he was very upset because we hadn't turned up.
He was angry with you, but he decided to cheer himself up by singing his favourite jingle-jungle, which happens to be your retro-textination jingle.
Thanks very much, Dave Brown, for sending out your... Oh, my God.
He says, take care, lots of love from Dave, brackets, Bolo, and the rest of the Boosh Boys.
That's incredible.
So you missed out, man.
You missed out on that.
Missed out on dressing up like a woman and standing in a shop window.
Hey!
For Louise Redknapp.
And her husband.
And sexy Claudia Schiffer woman.
And a lot of other people that I would have been very happy to dress like a woman for.
I can get you to meet Claudia Schiffer, that's easy.
Really?
Yeah.
Can you arrange it very quickly?
Yeah.
Alright then.
Here's REM with stand.
Double modulations there at the end.
That's R.E.M.
with Stand.
And it's now time to stand down.
Black Squadron.
Black Squadron!
Stand down.
Your work is done.
You've earned yourself a nice warm bath.
And maybe a nice little bargain.
Black Squadron!
Wonder what the steps are gonna be like for this black squadron.
I mean looks like a high number of responses Yeah, but is it over 150?
Maybe not we'll find out after the news.
It's 930.
That's the cure jumping someone else's train This is Adam and Joe here on BBC six music.
Thanks for joining us this Saturday morning Tiger Woods.
Luckily.
He's okay after his little fender bender out there and
Which last night, producer James was saying it was on the news like it was some imminent death style crash for Tiger.
But it turns out it was just that he hit a fire hydrant just outside his house.
And then his wife smashed the window with the golf club.
apparently trying to free him, but it sounds as if they were just having the mother of all barneys.
And maybe she was arguing with him.
He hit the fire hydrant.
She gets out, smashes the window in fury with his nine iron.
That's a little... The mother of all barneys.
Yeah.
the all barneys have the same mother uh she's must be very lovely and huge yeah she's very maternal with the big enormous enormous skirts big purple dinosaur yeah uh and she's the mother of all barneys
I'm absolutely furious with you guys.
Come on Barney, and you Barney, and you Barney, come on you, oh Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney.
I was more interested by the mother of all parties.
I know.
I was trying to get things topical on the show, right?
Little news item.
What about the news item?
So Joe just goes... Oh, that's why I'm here.
That's exactly why I'm here.
Torpedo, your topical tedium.
I've got a special new type of warhead.
It's a topical tedium warhead.
It's a big purple warhead.
I just sit at home launching it at Matthew Wright and the loose women.
That's what I've practiced it on.
Now that I've honed it, I've launched several into your... Pottom.
My Pottom?
Pottom, yeah, with a P. You could have talked about anything.
It didn't have to be.
It was a fun, very broad, topical... Well, but not broad enough to include Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney!
Alright then.
Listen, we're gonna have Retro Text the Nation in just a second.
We'll be unveiling the nation's favourite jingle.
Sir Paul McCartney's favourite jingle, no less.
Wow.
And sudden new accolades.
Two new accolades.
The nation's favourite jingle and Sir Paul McCartney's favourite jingle.
That's incredible.
Yeah.
I'm fine, I'm fine with it.
Absolutely fine with it.
Comes to terms with it.
Here's the Arctic Monkeys with Cornerstone.
That was the Arctic Monkeys with Cornerstone.
Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
Let's play the jingle!
I like to listen to Adam and John But I listen to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel a cute frustration Because I couldn't join in with Tex the nation
But now my troubles have disappeared Because red's road takes big nations here And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the bin and forgotten about
And Retro Text the Nation listeners last week was all about being overly honest, saying things that are very truthful and very blunt that you think will, you know, do good, clear the air, something you think you should say out loud, but that turns out to be a terrible misstep.
Yeah, all times where you just feel like, you've got to say what's on your mind, you know?
Is that Kim again?
Yeah.
No, Kim's more like, I've got to say what's on my mind, lovey.
I've got to do it, dearie.
I'm sorry, that's just the way I am.
Who was that then before?
I've got to say what's on my mind.
That's the lady in the queue at Pleasurewood Hills.
That sounds like the League of Gentlemen lady.
Yes, that's exactly right.
So we got a good response to this during the week.
I'll kick off things if that's okay with you, Joe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here is one from... I love it when you use footballalisms.
kick things off.
Yeah.
I mean, that is not specifically a football, isn't it?
In my mind it is.
Is it?
Yeah, everything gravitates to footy in my mind.
You love the foot and the ball.
I love the football.
Here's one from anonymous Andrew.
Adam and Joe, this summer I was at Glastonbury and met a lovely young lady.
We got along just great and lost ourselves in a whirlwind of festival romance and irresponsibility.
However, when we got back to London, I soon realised it wasn't meant to be.
So it was broken off.
Towards the end of our six-week long relationship, we were eating dinner in a pub, and she asked me, do you think I'm boring?
I hesitated.
Instantly, she knew that part of me did think this.
I wasn't being mean or brutal, I'm just a useless liar.
The thing is, she's not boring.
I just tend to zone out whenever she talks to me.
The amazing thing was that she wasn't at all upset.
I'd be really put out, but she just carried on talking.
Much like I'm doing now, he says.
Peace and love, Anonymous Andrew.
Wow.
Two kisses and two hugs.
Do you think that means she was boring?
Yeah.
Do you think?
Surely.
How rude.
But I mean, she must have been very sexy.
Do you think if you ask someone a question and they leave a pause to think, that means yes or no?
Oh, it usually means what you don't want to hear.
It means they've got doubts, doesn't it?
Otherwise they wouldn't be thinking.
They're trying to think of the best way of telling you.
But in that context, it was if you ask someone, do you think I'm boring?
And they pause.
It means the other thing.
It means you are, because they're thinking about it.
Yeah.
Well, it's a tough question to ask.
I mean, it's a dark question.
They're just thinking, how boring are you?
Are you above normal boring?
That's what he's thinking, isn't it?
Probably what he was thinking is, of course you're boring, please.
You are so sexy.
And by just carrying on talking, does that mean she is boring?
Because she doesn't mind that she's been accused of being boring.
She's taking it in her stride.
Yeah, because she probably thinks, well, at least I'm sexy.
But she's hot.
Yeah.
Bound to be.
I mean, that's why they lasted as long as they did in six weeks, probably because he was just, he'd shut most of his primary brain functions down and just get the saucy ones going.
You know, you make me think about football again.
Primary brain.
Do you want me to read another one?
Yeah, I've got some though.
Okay.
Here is one from somebody called Jess Bags.
Jess Bags.
As a teenager at school, I was very sensitive about my appearance, especially the slight dimple in the end of my nose, which my parents always assured me was cute.
are not that noticeable.
I believed them, as no one had ever commented on it.
One day, after a PE lesson, a girl in my class came up to me and said, all right, bum nose.
I slapped her in the face and skived the rest of the day.
P.S., I'm not proud of my reaction to her honesty.
I'm still very sensitive about my nose.
I think your nose sounds absolutely beautiful.
Yeah, exactly.
It's nice to have the little cleft at the end of the nose there.
She slapped her, though.
Yeah, you deserve a slap for that.
A sudden physical response from a violent response.
Have you ever slapped anybody?
No, man, don't slap people.
You've never done it, ever.
No, no, no, no, no.
Really?
No, there's no slapping people.
You're not in a fit of peak.
No, I don't resort to physical violence in a fit of... Yeah, you do.
No, I don't, man.
The worst physical... fluffies, flurries, scurvish... Scurvish.
was probably you and I when we argued about the snowball throwing incident when we were about 15.
Do you remember that?
You slapped me so hard.
I didn't slap you.
I pushed you.
That was just convenient for my argument.
No, no, you pushed me.
I never did.
You got really angry about it.
Oh, it's going to happen again.
He pushed me.
From the past.
No, no slapping.
I don't like slapping.
And women that slap, I don't appreciate that either.
I've been slapped.
a couple of times.
Well then you're dissing Jess Bags there because she'd done a slap.
So do you think that's a justified slap?
No, that's from Jess Bags.
Yeah, a justifiable slap.
Bum nose, you get a little slap.
Yeah.
All right.
So if anyone calls me bum nose, that's what's coming to you.
Here's a message right now from... I love that guy.
Yeah.
This is how you pronounce his name.
He's a little robot guy.
Uh, sorry about this.
Can you fill, Joe?
Fill.
Uh, hey, this is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.
Here we go.
Well done.
Nicely filled.
Thanks.
This is from de de de de de, Martin Scofield.
Hi, Adam and Joe.
While enjoying a romantic meal with my girlfriend to celebrate nine years together, she started to tell me how compatible we were.
I agreed.
And having had a few drinks, I said, yeah, because you're about a six out of 10 on the good looking scale.
And I'm about a six out of 10 as well.
Her face dropped.
What do you mean?
I thought that I was a 10.
Oh, I do, I quickly replied.
What I mean is that other people would probably think you're about a 6, but of course I don't.
I think you're a 10.
The meal was completely ruined.
Secretly, I thought that we were both about a 7, but I didn't want to appear big headed.
Martin Scofield.
Wow, that's confusing, isn't it?
He's got- He's scrambled my brains.
You're thinking too little of yourself, Martin.
That's a little bit like that show that Jimmy Carr used to host where people would sort of rate the attractiveness of couples and whether they should be together or not.
But yeah.
I mean, the general thing we're learning here is honesty is a bad policy.
I think so.
In masses of looks or things that are important to a relationship.
It's a tough thing, though, isn't it?
Because I can totally see that when you're out with your girlfriend, you're celebrating nine years together, you feel your relationship is strong and it's fun to be honest with each other as well.
You know, it's nice to feel you're on a equal mental footing with your partner.
So you want to say everything to them sometimes, but often they don't want to hear absolutely everything.
Now, what's that guy's name again?
Martin Scofield.
What was the thing before his name, though?
Oh, yeah.
So does he go around with sort of some trumpeters?
Yeah, he does.
And every time he comes into a room, they play a little fanfare.
Or does he have like a car horn attached to his coat and he activates it every time he walks into a room?
What's his name again?
Martin Scofield.
No, he says it himself.
Even when he's signing checks and stuff, he has to do it.
It's embarrassing.
Is it?
He's at the bank.
Martin Scoville.
Is it written on his name?
No, no, he just makes the noise.
Just the noise, yeah.
Listen, I was thinking, because we've got a few more good messages, right, but let's do another retro text the nation later on in the show.
But right now, we've got a free play from Joe and I can't help noticing
Yeah, last week you were reading out, we both read out an email from a gentleman who'd produced a Thompson Twins album, telling us a wonderful anecdote.
Adam Buxton, you were disparaging about the work of the twins.
I said it was impossible to pick out a song from the Thompsons that bears up.
Ah, well then listen to this.
That you would play on the radio.
This is from Quick Step and Sidekick.
When was that album released?
About 1983, would you say?
82, 83.
It was actually 83.
This is called Love on Your Side.
Rap boy, rap.
Mm-hmm.
You love that bit, don't you?
I just do like that bit.
You can't get angry with people from the past for being dated.
I think I've never seen you more furious.
You're out of control.
You love the Thompson twins.
We used to love them.
They're what bonded us together when we first met, and now you're dismissing them.
It's very disloyal, I must say, what I'm saying.
It is very disloyal.
But I still got a very soft spot for them.
Especially when their producer listens to our program.
Yeah, I know.
But he's produced other things.
He's not Mr. Thompson Twins.
Yeah, but what else could possibly compare to that?
Look, I'm sure he still feels as fondly about them as I do.
I'm just saying that it's hard to pick out a set of Thompson Twins songs that you want to play on a radio show.
No, you're doing it again.
I was going to pick three.
Next week I'm going to have to do three Thompson Twins tracks.
Oh my goodness.
Here's a trial.
Very nice.
That's Wilco from their new album, which is also called Wilco.
You never know, it's the track.
And I went to see them live the other day.
Wow.
They are really good because there's about seven or eight of them in that band and they make an extraordinary noise.
The more the merrier.
Yeah.
What?
They are extraordinary.
If you ever get the chance to see them, I would grab it with both hands.
So this week, Adam Buxton, I went to the royal premiere, the royal film performance of The Lovely Bones.
Oh, who did you?
Yes, I did indeed.
I got all dressed up in a lovely new suit.
And I wore trainers.
Did you?
I had a bit of a confrontation with my lady partner about whether I should wear trainers to a royal event.
They were very nice trainers.
She didn't think I should.
I thought I should.
Polished black shoes, I think.
Nah, went for some pair of vans with turquoise laces.
They were black, but they looked cool.
And anyway, nobody cared.
You've been hanging out with too many hipsters, young man.
No one was looking, really.
No one could see them from a distance.
Anyway, it was a very exciting event.
It was in the company of Prince Charles and Lady Camilla, the royal couple, as they're known.
And they turned up at the cinema.
It was at the Odeon Leicester Square.
It was a very lavishly appointed occasion.
But I must say, I felt very strong
anarchist feelings.
Did you?
Within me.
So I tell you why.
Why?
Well, when you go to premieres like that, you sit in the cinema and they project film of everyone arriving on the big screen.
That's right.
Because the preamble is very long.
You know, all the all the celebrity famous people arrive and then the cast of the film arrive and they have to talk to the press along the red carpet and stuff.
Then Joe Cornish arrives.
So Cornish arrives and everyone goes, dad, dad, dad, dad.
Was that what it was?
Yeah.
Mike Scofield.
Yeah, no one cared about me, which is good.
Joe Cornish arriving in his vans.
Mike Scofield on the red carpet set.
It's a long preamble, and so you end up sitting there for about an hour, probably, before the film actually starts, listening to Edith Bowman talking you through... Good times.
celebrities arriving and then of course when it's royal it takes even longer because lady lady Camilla and Prince Charles have to talk to all the people who've made the film yeah and they show you that they can't actually show you what they're saying because it's private they can't show you the front of Prince Charles's face in case you lip read what he says so you have to so it's just silent footage of Prince Charles meeting various dignitaries yes exactly and Edith Bowman saying and yes
Sir Tommy Tarnips, the Chairman of the Screen Benevolent Fund, or something, which is, that was my scotch accent, that was good, wasn't it?
You dropped the accent after all.
I did, I did, I panicked.
And here's the Chairman of the Royal Society for the Prince Charlie of Scotland, and there he is, talking to Susan Sarndell.
Anyway, so there's about an hour of preamble and then the film starts and one feels a bit silly anyway, all dressed up to the nines in row C of the circle of the Odeon Leicester Square, you know.
Do you know what I mean?
There's something a bit weird about dressing up to go to the cinema.
Yeah, I suppose.
No, it's not like the theatre role.
It's a bit different.
Anyway, so the film was amazing.
It was about two hours and 20 minutes long, very absorbing and exciting and suspenseful.
But then at the end, we weren't allowed to leave because you can't leave until the royal couple leave.
so you have to sit there and watch all the credits and it's a big involved film so there were lots of credits that went on for a long time then Prince Charles and Camilla stand up and very quite slowly they start making their way out yeah and they start talking to everyone on the way out as well like talking to David Putnam yeah
And you're sitting there, oh, come on, I need to go to the loo.
Like, everyone really needed to go to the loo.
Two hours.
You're not even allowed to nip out to the lavi before, J. No, no.
People tried to get out to the lavi.
The Odeon security guards were holding them back.
What?
It was like kettling.
It was like the G20 all over again.
Nah, mate.
Not until Charles and Lady Gaga have gone.
Charles and Lady Gaga took so long to leave the cinema that literally there was an atmosphere of an anarchistic rebellion.
They let the entire stalls leave, because there were no royals in the stalls.
But the upper circle were all being held back for about 20 minutes after the end of the film.
And I very nearly caused a stink.
Did you do a little fart?
I just, inside me, I had a kind of a Guy Fawkes-style urge to run forward and just shout and scream and push past Prince Charles and just barge out.
I wish you had.
You would have been wrestled to the ground so quickly.
Do you think I would have made the papers, wouldn't I?
It wasn't just me.
There was a real sense of, look, this has gone too far.
You know that you can't keep people hemmed in like this.
Of course, now in retrospect, I realize it's very important to stand on royal protocol.
I have huge respect for the royal family and it would have been terrible, but I couldn't help but feeling as if I wanted to shout fire in a crowded room.
Do you know what I mean?
What's that saying?
That's it shot fire in a crowd right there you go something like that something like that Wow, I'm glad that you didn't in a way because I wouldn't want you to go to jail and stuff Would you think you'd go to jail for that you would wouldn't you you'd go to the cells?
Yeah, if you especially if what were you proposing rushing him?
No, I would have just pushed Bruce Lee past You'd get more than a slap on the wrist for that
Yeah.
woman like.
Get out!
What are you doing?
You drooled all the way down my face there, Regina.
Goodness sake.
Now this week I went to Amsterdam.
You've been to Amsterdam, right?
Sure I've been to Amsterdam.
You love it in Amsterdam.
I like the area that they call the spwee.
Oh, I don't even know what the spree is.
It's very nice.
Yeah, I was only there like a day and a half.
I had a gig out there and me and my wife went out and... Good one.
...wanted around for dinner.
You don't want to take the wife to the dam.
No.
That's very canned to intuitive, mate.
Well, I thought I should, mate.
A place for men to go alone.
I thought I should take the wife.
otherwise.
No, it's a very romantic place.
Who knows?
I've been with my lady partner many times.
It's very romantic.
If you choose the right areas, if you choose the wrong areas, it can be extremely unromantic.
Well, we strolled through all the wrong areas as well as the right areas.
Did you?
Just have a look.
You know, you've got to do that.
I've got you a gift.
Oh, look at that.
It's a kind of a sandwich.
Well, it says on the top.
Strouperkin-ken.
Strouperkochen.
That's a good name for a biscuit, though, isn't it?
Are they cheesy?
Strouperkochen.
No, I think they're like caramel biscuits.
Let's have one.
They look absolutely delicious.
Come on.
I saw them in the airport and I thought, ooh, I'll have those.
But anyway, on the way out, right, we flew from Norwich Airport, which is our local airport, because it's Norwich International Airport.
There's a lot of fun destinations you can get to.
That's cool.
So it was really nice.
You know, it was only 15 minutes away from our house.
We drove there.
We're all excited about it.
We get to the airport and the airport's practically empty.
There's only about five people wandering around this small airport, right?
So it's a totally... It almost felt like we were flying on a private jet or something.
How's the stroop coke?
Mmm.
Quite nice?
It's strooping my coke and... My coke and it's never been so sorry.
It's strooped.
It looks delicious.
So we get there and we check in, super simple check in.
You know, we're about an hour and a half early and the whole thing was over and done with our bags.
We're on the conveyor belt and we had an hour and a half to kill before our plane was due to take off.
So we go and we sit down in the calf and read a mag and have a hot chocolate or whatever.
There's a group of lads sitting next to us that look as if they are definitely bound for Amsterdam, a bit of male football type fun in Amsterdam.
They're all sat there.
So, you know, yeah, we just sit there and you know while the time away and then and then We're thinking like where's the plane and then we see the plane coming in outside.
They're unloading the bags Oh, that's probably our plane there and then it's like are we supposed to be boarding around now?
It's taking a lot.
You have to you have to do it yourself at small airports.
Don't you?
I wish you'd been there to tell me that they don't they don't sort of lead spoon feed you at the smaller airports
at the smaller airport.
Well, this was a thing.
So we'd been lulled into a false sense of security, not only by the fact that there was this gang of lads who were there, who we assumed would be on the same flight.
On the same flight, yeah.
So they weren't doing anything.
So we weren't doing anything.
Also, they were making other announcements over the Tanoi.
Yeah, helicopter flight TG-1 is now ready for embarking.
That's my job, that's my job of flight.
So they were doing helicopter announcements, but they didn't do a boarding announcement for our Amsterdam plane.
Suddenly, over the Tannoy, we hear, would passengers, Buxton, please go to the departure gate immediately.
Your flight is ready to take off, and we are about to remove your bags.
How humiliating.
So we're like, what?
Jump up immediately.
Immediately I'm in shaking defensive mode.
Because, you know, no one's made an announcement.
We weren't told about this.
So we run over to the security gate, and then suddenly you realise how many things you have to do before you actually get to the gate.
Gotta go through security, all that.
Not only that, but now... The whole plane's waiting.
Every single person in Norwich Airport looks furious with us personally.
Quite right.
Come on, they say, literally.
Come on, hurry up!
This old woman is shouting at us.
Where's your security ticket?
What?
Security ticket?
I've never heard of this before.
You have to put your boarding pass into a machine.
Yes.
Pay a fiver each to go through security.
What?
Have you ever heard of that?
No.
You have to do that at Norwich Airport.
So we do that, we're literally dropping coins, trying to stuff them into the machine.
People say, hurry up!
I'm trying to hurry up!
No one told me the plane was boarding!
I said at one point to one of the angry women, you know, in most airports, you get like a boarding announcement over the Tanoi!
You don't do that here!
I was trying to get to, I was trying to make her feel bad about the airport, you know?
Trying to bring down the airport as if that would teach her a lesson.
Didn't do the job.
Come on, hurry up!
Your boarding pass, your time of boarding was circled by the lady at check-in.
Hey, I know it was circled, but so what?
Where's the turn on your nose?
Running onto the plane.
Hurry up, they're saying, every single person, like it was a joke, saying, hurry up, but just about to take you, yes, I know you're just about to take the bags off the plane.
So then we get on the plane, everyone's looking at us.
We have to like shuffle down the aisle.
It's all businessmen, right?
There's no people having family fun or anything that every single businessman set of eyes was on us.
Yeah.
They all looked pretty angry.
You're losing the money.
Time is money.
What's this?
We have to be announced to damn.
I've got a sexy show later on.
What are you doing?
You're holding me up.
So we sit down in our seats.
The stewardess lady comes over.
She wants to have a little bit of us
as well.
She looked absolutely furious.
Listen, the ping pong show starts at precisely 6.30.
Everyone's going to be late for the ping pong.
Well, exactly.
And she didn't miss any opportunity to get a little dig in before the flight took off.
We were sitting in an exit aisle.
Now, you can't put your bag there.
You have to store your bag.
I'll store it for you.
You can't have any loose items.
So she comes back at one point just before we take off.
No, you've got loose items there.
She says to my wife, who is holding her scarf on her lap.
Very dangerous.
No, you can't have loose items.
You're in the exit aisle.
Give me that loose item.
I'm going to put it in the stowaway bag, shop bag.
So this is the last time you used Norwich Airport.
Well, now I know how it works in every other way.
It's a lovely airport, lovely tranquil airport with wonderful, helpful staff.
But not on this occasion.
The first time is a baptism of fire.
That's how you learn things.
That is how I learn.
An atmosphere of fury and rejection and humiliation.
Here's something to calm me down.
This is A Lovely Song by Neil Young.
This is Birds.
That was Jamie T. with The Man's Machine.
Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
I think it's time for a few more retro-text-the-nation messages.
You're pausing like there should be some sort of a jingle.
Oh, sorry, James.
Is there going to be a jingle?
Yeah, let's have the jingle.
Hehehehe.
But now my troubles have disappeared Because reds rotates the nations here And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the bin and forgotten about
So I might be suffering from overplay, that jingle, I mean twice during a show.
Yeah, but people come and they go, they don't necessarily listen to the whole show.
Speaking of Michelangelo.
And they would hate to miss out on the jingle.
No, I don't remember that poem.
Proofrock.
Proofrock, was it?
Isn't that what it is?
I don't remember.
Is that the love song of J Alfred, Proofrock?
Yeah.
Nice.
Anyway, text the nation last week was all about times that you've been too honest and regretted it.
Or maybe someone's been too honest with you and you've regretted it.
Here's a message from Chris Hatt in Brisbane, originally from Southampton.
He says, Hi, right honourable bucculees and Sir Cornballs.
Well, it's about time too that somebody got our names exactly right.
Well, it's nice to have a bit of respect sometimes.
He says I live in Australia, so I'm unable to listen to the live show, but he listens on podcast.
When I was around seven or eight, I fell off a climbing frame and broke my arm.
Whilst in the car with my mum, who was driving me to the local hospital, I asked her in a terrified state, am I going to die?
She laughed and came back with, of course not, dear, and I was placated.
My dad left work early before I went in for a general anesthetic operation to straighten my arm, as it was broken in two places, and I asked him the same question, to which he replied, well, if they get the amount of anesthetic wrong, you might slip into a coma, but I doubt you'll die.
I was absolutely terrified.
It's still a sore spot between me and my dad, lots of love Chris had.
It is terrifying.
I fear general anaesthetic enormously.
I don't think I've had one ever.
Have you not?
Not for years and years and years.
I had a memory.
Yeah, I had a general anaesthetic when I had my wisdom teeth taken out.
Right.
Because I was too much of a part.
Really?
Yeah.
I thought they would just knock their head out.
No, I really, I was advised to have a general by someone who'd had the procedure before.
So I did it, but I was terrified about it.
So what I did was I took my video camera in and I set it up on a tripod and I asked if I could video the operation.
And they said, yes, I said I was, I was at art school at the time.
I said, oh, I'm an art student, it's like part of a project.
But what it was, was in my mind, if I film it, for some reason that will somehow reduce the chances of anything disastrous happening.
Or maybe they'll be on their best behaviour and make sure they do a really good anesthetic job or something like that.
So I've got a video of myself having my wisdom teeth removed.
I'm pretty sure any doctor or dentist nowadays, worth his salt, would refuse if you asked them to let you video the operation.
But I was shocked by how violent it was that
The guy had his knee up on my shoulder and was wrenching around.
It seemed so... Do you know what?
He called me as well, didn't he?
Yeah, I gave him my mobile number.
He called me and I came in and did one or two things.
I've never seen that part of the video.
Have you got a message there or shall I give you another one?
I've got some messages, sure.
This is one from somebody called Hazel of London.
Hazel of London.
says, My brother's always brutally honest with me.
It's one of the things I like best about him.
On my last visit to Leeds to visit him, I walked in the room, and he said of my outfit, Is that fashionable in London?
Upon other compliments for my slightly outrageous dress sense, my dear brother has declared,
Can everyone else see the same top I'm seeing?
So that's the special sort of permission you get from a family member or a relative to be a little more brutally honest.
And Hazel obviously dresses slightly flamboyant.
Flamboyant?
Is that right?
Is there too many L's?
No.
Flambloylant.
She dresses flambloylantly.
And the brother's calling her up on it by...
What kind of sign-off is that?
Just I'm getting out quickly.
And then he threw the piece of paper across the desk.
Bye.
Does your mum give you a hard time about the way you dress?
Not anymore.
Mine still does.
Does she?
Every now and again.
She let the parents very seldom miss an opportunity to pull you up on your own appearance.
My mum gives me a hard time about the way you dress.
Does she?
Yeah.
Why hasn't said eyes on you for years?
No.
I mean, I'm not a snappy dresser.
Why is he still dressing like an old trampy hobo man?
My mum still complains about my beard whenever she gets the opportunity.
Here's a final one from Heather right now.
This is the wording, Hello lovely Adam and Jo.
In my early 20s I shared a house with a group of people, one of whom was a man who smelt like a carrion and fishbone milkshake.
Mmm.
God.
So he ended up having a secret emergency flat meeting and decided to draw straws to pick someone in the flat who would tell him in the nicest possible way that he stank.
I picked the short straw.
So I approached him the next day and I said, I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a very strange smell coming from your room.
He said, no.
I pressed on and I said, and from this room, right at the moment too, he looked at me blankly.
I realized a more direct approach would be needed.
You know, some people have noticed that you smell bad sometimes.
A horrible wounded look came across his face.
But I'm sure it's not your fault.
Maybe it's just a matter of having a few more showers.
Tears started to well in his eyes.
Panic starts to set in.
I've got no idea what to say, so I just go with... Anyway, I'll be off then before pegging it out of the room.
He never spoke to me again and spent years spraying himself constantly with foot sprays, deodorants, breath fresheners and looking at me.
Like, I was something he'd pulled off the bottom of his shoe, I still feel awful about it.
That's a tough one though, isn't it?
Have you ever told someone about their personal smell problems?
Nope.
He says and loves a piece of paper across the room.
Okay, we're gonna play back right now, and then after this, go to the news.
Beck with girl.
It's just gone 10.30 here on 6 Music.
Time for the news.
That's Mark Ronson there with Valerie.
And that was Winehouse singing, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Sure it was.
She's absolutely fine now.
She's back on top.
Is she?
Completely recovered.
Totally healthy.
Able to sing and perform just like normal.
She's Emmy Winehouse.
She's got enormous hair.
And I do not really care about what she does.
That's a nice song, man.
Thanks.
I just made it up.
It's not true.
I do care about what she does.
You should do.
I should do.
She's important.
I miss seeing her drunk face.
No, I don't.
I'm really glad she's doing better.
Hey, tell everyone what you just told me.
Oh, really?
Okay.
Yeah.
Well, last week Adam was banging on about, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.
Banging.
In a highly entertaining way.
No respect.
Yeah, it was BrillSkills.
Yeah.
But he was talking about, I was saying, oh, you should go on the ITV2 show.
You know, because they have people I don't personally recognise on there banging on about it.
I think you were, one of us referred to them as desperate losers.
But anyway, during the week,
I got the call.
Wednesday, was it Tuesday even?
I get a message from my agent saying, ITV2, saying would you go on their show, flying out to Australia, would you be able to fly out to Australia tomorrow?
Business cars, flatbed.
Yep, and luxury accommodation, once you get there we give you a day to recover from the jet lag, do the show, fly back the next day.
I couldn't go because I had this gig in Amsterdam on the Wednesday.
So it was off the cards, but I would have gone like that.
Well, what if they ask you next week?
They're not going to.
I think someone had dropped out.
Yeah, but someone's going to drop out again.
The series runs until Christmas, doesn't it?
Oh, no, it's quite short, isn't it?
No, it's short.
It's only three weeks.
It's going to be all over by next week.
I'm sure there'll be another buckle opportunity.
Next year, maybe.
I mean, they asked if we could go on the show, the, you know, and record something in London.
But to be brutally honest, it's not the same as flying business class to Australia.
I mean, I don't think we have time to do it anyway, but still, you know, it was the, it was the Australia and meeting Antony.
It's not the time I don't have.
It's the, it's the information.
Yeah.
And the watches.
I don't watch it.
Oh, yes.
Personally, no disrespect.
I've watched it in the past, but I've moved on to other things.
Like, uh, yeah.
Just staring at the wall.
It's a bit of a weird series, this one.
You know, you heard Katie Price left.
Sure, I heard that, yeah.
You must have been upset about that.
Well, ratings plummeted by two million, I heard.
Did they?
Yeah.
I'm not surprised.
I mean, what kind of... Let's just start talking about it again, though.
What?
I mean, look, we're starting talking about it again.
But you could just engage, like, with another human being if they start talking about something.
Yes, that's true.
That's true.
I'm just thinking of all the other human beings who are listening.
They might be interested in what we have to say about it.
Shoot.
Well now you've built not too much.
I was going to say some amazing stuff I'm not even going to bother.
You know what I've been, I've just changed tack completely for a moment.
I've got a fun fact for you that maybe you don't know.
On this trip to Amsterdam that I took instead of flying to Australia.
We went to the Reichmuseum there, and that's Amsterdam's lovely, famous museum.
And is that how you say its name?
R-E-G-K-S.
I can't remember how it's spelled.
R-E-G-K-S.
Yeah, I think it is.
Yeah, the Reichmuseum.
Anyway, it's not like the Third Reichmuseum.
It's different.
That's how you pronounce it.
I think that's how you pronounce it.
If someone would like to correct me, I'd be more than happy to be corrected.
But, so we were looking at the very famous picture by Rembrandt, the Night Watch.
Do you know that picture?
Sure I do.
That's a good pic.
But I was amazed to find out that Rembrandt is not his surname.
That's his first name.
Right.
Do you know that?
Fun fact.
What is his first name?
Mr History of Art.
His first name is Rembrandt.
His whole name is Rembrandt
Oh, I've got it written down.
Here we go.
Rembrandt, Harmanson, Van Rijn.
Or Van Rijn.
Rembrandt, Harmanson, Van Rijn.
Didn't know that.
Fun fact.
But you know, I guess he's like Prince as well.
He's Prince Rogers Nelson, isn't he?
And Sting, of course, is Sting Gordon Von Stung.
Madonna is, did you know that her real name is Madrian Onalump?
Madrian Onalump.
I did not know that.
Yeah, that's how she gets her name Madonna.
Madrian is her real name.
That's her christened given name.
So fun fact, how's your search gone?
Are you searching for the pronunciation of the Rice Museum?
Yeah, I haven't got it yet.
I ain't got it yet.
Come on, let's just rely on the listeners.
They're clever than either of us.
That's true.
They'll tell us.
Here's some music.
This is Ian Brown with Just Like You.
It's the monkey man.
Ian Brown, Just Like You.
Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
Yeah, now it's time for a part of the programme we call Text the Nation.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
Yeah, and text the nation this week, listeners.
I was just a little distracted there because people are getting on my totties for mispronouncing spwee, the area of Amsterdam.
It's pronounced spow.
Spow.
It's spelt spwee.
So, you know, to know that it's pronounced spow and then go to Amsterdam is kind of useless because you'll never find it.
So you need to remember the phonetic pronunciation, spwee, and then the correctic pronunciation, spow.
Correct, cool.
Yeah.
Sometimes, if you're in trouble over pronunciation, the best policy is not to guess, but just to absolutely say it the way it's written down.
Yeah.
That's what you would do.
Yeah.
Well, that's the way to navigate around Amsterdam, which is a complicated horseshoe-shaped city.
Very easy to get lost in.
A horseshoe, right.
Yeah.
Um, and how about the pronunciation on the museum?
Uh, you were good.
People were saying you'd got that, you'd got that right.
More or less right.
Yeah, but listen, text the nation this week, listeners.
We'd like to focus on parties because it's coming up to Christmas, scrinkle-mus time.
Apparently there's only five minutes of shopping time left now.
Is that true?
Because this year all the shops are closing in five minutes.
So get a move on, listeners.
But it's coming up to crinkleness, and that means lots of parties are going to be occurring.
And Adam and I would like to focus on how to really genuinely improve and make a party super amazing, right?
Yeah.
Now, you can do various things.
You can do fancy dress.
Yes.
For instance, you can maybe spend a lot of money on having amazing accoutrements, like people dressed in costume serving themed
uh crudites is that the right word uh-huh like men sprayed silver yes uh standing very still we were talking between us about the most extravagant parties we've ever been to or parties when people have made a real effort to really make this a memorable party you might have inflatables
It might be some kind of a pool party, it could be a toga party.
A bucking bronco and a roulette dress.
So our question is, what's the most amazing party you've ever been to?
And we're not just talking about financial extravagance, we're talking about the most imaginative idea for really making a party memorable and different.
What did we used to do?
We used to spend a lot of time, we used to enjoy the build up to parties more than that.
We were very... Oh, it's always the way though, isn't it?
Yeah.
You've said this before, the build-up and the aftermath are always the fun bits.
Yeah.
But we used to go to great lengths, buying loads of fairy lights and hanging them from the ceiling.
They were big party queens.
We had, Adam, you had big sort of drapes that we used to use on our own old TV show with Mara Stewart and Jeremy Paxman drawn on them that we would hang up.
Yeah, exactly.
And we used to project things, big projections.
One time we had a Hawaiian party at our friend Mark's house and we spent ages, like a whole group of us went over beforehand to get ready for the thing.
And we were like dressing the whole place up to look like a kind of Hawaiian veranda thing.
And we wrapped different colored crepe paper around the scaffolding that he'd set up to be a veranda.
And at one point, and it took ages to wrap all this crepe paper round, but once we'd done it, I decided that it didn't look very good because I was the artistic director of the project.
That's right, I remember that.
You took it all down and insisted on redoing it yourself.
Yeah, I took it all down because I didn't like the colour scheme.
And everyone who'd been helping wrap it up was quite angry about it.
Yeah, it was an idiotic thing to do.
It looked better afterwards.
15 years later, did it?
It did.
Or did we just have to tell you that to stop you from getting into a terrible strop?
The party I always wanted to have that we never had, I wanted to have a Vietnam party.
Oh, that's right.
My idea was turn the heating up really high to make it oppressively hot like Vietnam.
Have a lot of medical, you know, army camp beds.
uh there would be the sound of cicadas and the platoon soundtrack playing yeah everybody would have to come in military outfits looking really sweaty and tired with dog tags you could have an injury or a wound if you wanted and there would be all the other things that happen in vietnam
uh payable ladies and naughty substances right you know it would all be very very themed and it would have been a brilliant party and i was also going to put like vines and jungle vines you can have little napalm dips and stuff like that very tasteful that's nice isn't it well it was around the time that there were a lot of vietnam movies coming out right wasn't it we never had that party though
But listeners, what are your failsafe ideas for really making a party special and memorable?
The more imaginative and weird, the better.
It can be things you want to do or parties you've actually experienced where people have really thought of something cool.
And again, it shouldn't be about how much money you can spend, it should be about.
how inventive and resourceful you are.
The text number's 64046, the email is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
And remember, you've got all week to respond to this, really, because your answer might turn up in retro-text the nation on next week's live show.
But if you are listening during the week, don't text, just email, okay?
Yeah, but right now, if you want to respond to that, 64046.
We're going to play some music right now.
Yeah, this is a free play, mate.
This is my one, and it's another bit from a soundtrack.
I played some Alan Silvestri from Predator last week.
Got a lot of very happy Alan Silvestri fans.
Lots of Predator fans enjoyed the jungle trek.
I'm going a little bit arty this week.
I'm going to play you a bit of Jean Constantin.
Thank God.
He is a French composer and songwriter from the 50s and 60s, and he did the music for one of the most famous arty French films ever made, The 400 Blows.
You've seen that ever?
I tried to watch it.
Directed by Frankie Truffles?
Yeah.
You didn't, did you?
I did, yeah.
And it bored you?
I had a little bit of a boredom problem with it.
You didn't.
It's a masterpiece.
Maybe I'll go back to it.
It's on the BFI list of the 14 film... No, for 50 films you have to see before.
It was 14.
Sorry, it wasn't that.
It was eight and a half.
Oh yeah, eight and a half is a bit sophisticated for you.
Now I can see you getting confused at that one.
But The Four Hundred Blows, just a very straightforward film about a little naughty boy bunking off school in Paris.
His parents are divorcing and this is the music from that film, this is the theme to The Four Hundred Blows and it always makes me feel like a naughty little Parisian man, bunking off school, running around, going to my friend's apartment, smoking cheeky-siggies next to his big stuffed horse called Balthazar.
Does that mean anything?
anything to you sure that's what I'm doing later today yeah this is the 400 blows is it radiohead that's weird fishes slash arpeggi from the album in rainbows which was released in 2007 two years ago flipping heck Tucker I mean time moves and decently fast now doesn't it is it getting faster I mean I know it seems faster for me because I'm getting older but it's is he getting faster for everyone else I was wondering
Well, no, I think is the thing.
Obviously.
So this week, because I was in Amsterdam wandering around, my routine was broken.
It was just me and my wife.
The first time we'd been away for quite a long time without the children.
It was wonderful to spend time with each other again and rediscover our relationship in that way.
But also, I noticed a lot of things about myself that I hadn't noticed for a while.
I'm making a lot of noises to myself now.
Like, I've got a whole arsenal of sort of old man noises that I've started making.
And I don't know how long I've been doing this exactly, but I would guess that around...
A year, two years?
That's funny, I was thinking this very same thing yesterday when I bent down to unplug something, I went... Exactly.
Billy Connolly does a whole routine about this kind of thing, I think.
But I've got a whole load of them every time I bend down for stuff.
And every time I get up out of a chair as well... Well, yeah, you usually make a little bottom noise.
as well don't you yeah that kind of thing but no always like to bend down well it is fun it makes life more fun is that why we do it you think sometimes but i i try to stop myself doing it and i find very difficult i don't know what that what is the reason for it just you're getting old
Yeah, I suppose.
But then I've also got like little noises for when I come to rest, when I'm in repose.
Do you know what I mean?
So for example, we went to the airport on the way back, standing at the check-in and that whole sort of phase of getting out of the taxi, finding your check-in desk and all that stuff is over.
So I stood there and I'm like...
But that's a nice satisfied noise.
I make that satisfied noise a lot.
When I get on the train back to Norfolk today.
When else do you make it?
What are you asking?
After I've made Sweet Sweet Love?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
How about you, darling?
That's if you make Sweet Sweet Love to Tim Allen.
It's all about the noises now.
I mean, I've got, I can't think of them off hand.
So I've got my getting up noise.
I've got my satisfied noise.
Well, you know, I like to go a little bit stereotypical Chinese when I stretch.
I enjoy that.
Exactly.
That's fun when you stretch.
Sure.
But you're talking about involuntary noises that you start making, are you?
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, old man noises.
Old man noises.
And then sometimes... Now looky here, it's old man noises.
I love that guy.
I'm gonna try and record some during the week.
You didn't get anywhere with trying to record your tummy rumbles, did you?
I didn't, no.
It's impossible to predict.
Of course it is.
It's impossible to predict.
You'd have to wire yourself like some kind of undercover agent and walk around with a recording device constantly on you.
I tried to search for tummy rumbles on the internet on YouTube and stuff.
No joy.
Really?
That's interesting, isn't it?
Yeah.
I mean, you think you've got every single thing... Well, the internet's sometimes quite disappointing in that respect, isn't it?
You think someone somewhere in the world has catalogued everything, but actually it's not the case.
I was looking for creature noises.
I was looking for an archive of monster noises.
Couldn't find it.
Really?
Doesn't exist.
Well, the thing is sometimes they monetize these things, right?
That's true.
So you've got to pay for everything, don't you?
Well, you don't have to pay for my old man noises, listeners.
Hmm.
There you go.
That's free.
Hard to believe that could be free.
Here's Spearhead with people in their middle.
There's the voice of Michael Franti there.
Doing some very daring scat singing.
I thought that was illegal these days scat singing.
Usually you can just be actually electrocuted on the spot.
Have you ever met a lady that does scat singing like on a friendly basis?
What?
Like unprovoked in the middle of a conversation?
Uh, no, no, no.
Like, found out.
Or professional lady scat singer.
I used to have a friend and it turned out that she did a bit of scat singing.
No, she wasn't a scat singer.
And then it found, I thought she was Scatman Crothers.
Yeah.
She was the scat man.
It turned out that she was a, she did a bit of scat singing on the side.
And I found it very hard to continue being friends with her.
Why, because you were terrified she might start doing it.
No, because I went to see her.
She said, oh, I sing.
And so I said, that's fantastic.
So I went to this little club and she got up and she started scatting.
And I found it very hard to be complimentary after
Are you suggesting that it's not really a proper skill?
Yeah.
That anyone can do it?
Yeah.
That's what I'm suggesting.
That it's sort of half singing because you don't have to actually pronounce the lyrics.
You just have to hit the notes.
What's the skill there?
Like, I mean, the king of scat singing for me is Shoeby Taylor.
Right.
If you don't know who Shooby Taylor is, give him a Google S-H-O-O-B-Y, Taylor.
Yeah.
The human horn.
That's a very provocative thing to say, and I'm sure some of our professional scat singing listeners will be very angry with you.
I don't believe any professional scat singers listen to this programme.
I look forward to reading their irate missives.
They all listen to Chris Moyles.
Do they?
Yeah, all the scat singers.
Think we repel scat singers?
Definitely.
Yeah, we've got some kind of anti-scat spray.
I would love to hear.
I would love to hear a scat jingle.
If there are real scat singers listening to this programme.
Can you keep scat singers out of your garden?
I think you put hedgehog urine, don't you, around the edge.
Do you?
Yeah, that keeps them at.
Yeah, listen darling.
That's just the sound of them being lightly repelled from a neighbour's garden.
What about sort of people who dabble with scat singing like J.K.
from... J.K.
Rowling.
No, J.K.
Jamiroquai Rowling.
J.K.
Rowling from Jamiroquai, yeah.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Scabadoodood.
It doesn't go too far, isn't it?
Blame.
But is he allowed in the circle?
Would he get past the repellent?
Well, there are all sorts of difficult areas of JK, aren't there?
He's a marvellous little ball of goodness and badness.
All wrapped together.
Hey listen, we haven't done this feature for a while on the show, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's have the famous name repurposing jingle.
Famous name repurposing, I do it here at Nike It's really more some Wells if you do it Matthew, rightly If your life's not Boris Gooden off your Michael McIntyre Do some famous name repurposing And maybe things won't feel so Danny Dyer Famous name repurposing, of course, is where, well, I'll just give you some examples and you'll pick it up Claire Leak sent this one in, she says, Bonsoir, Adam Don Joe
Don?
In.
Yeah, let's not go there again.
I guess it's Adam Injo, isn't it Adam?
Anyway, yeah.
She says, this is surprisingly common lingo in university circles.
A lower second class degree is a 2-2.
A Desmond 2-2.
For example, I got me a Desmond.
Nice, no, says Claire Lee.
Yeah, very nice.
Yeah, Desmond Tutu.
Got a nice little Desmond Tutu.
I've met him.
Have you?
Yeah, he walks up and down the street where my parents live.
Does he?
What's he doing there?
He's got some sort of relatives that live in Stockwell.
Archbishop D.T.
Certainly, many years ago, he was to be found walking through Stockwell in South London.
Good one.
Yeah.
He's a dude.
He's a mega-dude.
Yeah, I've got some celebrities named reappropriation.
Here's one from Amy Mannion.
When I go into the bathroom to clean my teeth, I say, I'm off to Queen Latifah.
Nice.
Yeah.
I mean, that's pretty good because it's, you know, it's the way you say it that makes it really work.
I'm off to Queen Latifah.
Yeah.
You say, clean or Queen Latifah?
Queen Latifah.
She says the proper name.
I'm off to Queen Latifah.
Ah.
That's quite good isn't it?
Very good.
Sam Clark says, instead of saying I'm off when I leave a gathering of people, I say I'm Tchaikovsky.
Nice.
Someone else... That must be a very old one.
I can see them doing that in Tchaikovsky's time.
Exactly.
All dressed up in olden days clothing.
That's right.
Do you like my historical detail?
I'm Tchaikovsky, I've just... But then it would be confusing, because people might think you were Tchaikovsky.
Wait, you're Tchaikovsky?
I've just heard your new symphonata.
It's absolutely the tip-tops.
Your new Vienna.
No, no, no, I'm not actually Tchaikovsky.
I just meant that I'm off.
I'm offsky, like Tchaikovsky.
Wait, are you or are you not Tchaikovsky?
That kind of thing.
Is there such a thing as a Vianeta?
Yeah, it's like a... I mean, I know it's an ice cream cake, but is it an appropriate word to use when trying to sound as a... Is it a musical term?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I think that's where Vianeta got its name from.
Yeah.
Here's one from Jodie Finlayson Burden.
My dear boyfriend Dave asked me to pass him the laptop Vince the other day.
As I'm nowhere near as smart or as politically tuned in as him, I looked vacant, to which he responded, the laptop Vince cable.
Oh, how we laughed.
Vince Cable, he's a politician.
Yeah.
Pass me the laptop, Vince.
So he calls all cables Vince?
Yeah.
Right.
I would have been confused by that as well.
Well, you and Jodie, Finn, Lace and Burden should maybe get together.
Laptop.
Here's one that a few people sent in in various forms.
This is from Johnny.
He says, Hi, Adam and Joe.
When I'm in bed with my girlfriend with a cup of tea and feeling incredibly happy and middle class, I turn to her and say, it's Nicholas Sarkozy in here.
Good one.
Keep it frosty, says Johnny.
A few people had variations on Nicolas Sarkozy.
That's annoying.
Oh, it's lovely in Nicolas Sarkozy.
Sarkozy.
What was that noise?
Eighty.
Absolutely eighty.
The French ate Sarkozy.
Oh, it's the ate Sarkozy.
Fascist.
Why?
Because... It's not my opinion or the castle's opinion.
But you're quoting a French person that just likes it.
I write French hat seller.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The pompative centre.
But he's got a nice girlfriend.
Oh, she's so nice.
Look at the first lady.
She's playing bad songs.
Yeah.
Do you want one more?
Yeah, go on then.
This is from Steven Nottingham.
When something's a bit worn out and tatty, it's all jack tatty.
As in, we need new wallpaper, it's a bit jack tatty.
I mean, that's another sophisticated French art film reference.
Yeah, love it.
Love it, mate.
Love it.
Love that one.
Here's one from Jennifer Herron.
Hello, Buckles and Cornballs.
Since I started watching Design for Life, that was that programme I was on a few weeks back.
Yeah, what you did the voiceover for, right?
I did the voiceover for.
Oh, I'm just reading out another Sarkozy.
I'm a jerk balloon.
Well, maybe that's enough.
Maybe we should wrap it up.
She says that she's got a nice PS here.
She says, I listen to your podcast when I'm out walking my son in his pram.
And often people can't see my headphones, which means I do quite often look like a baby poo and vomit covered woman pushing a baby laughing maniacally.
It's only a matter of time before social services are called.
Thank you very much for that, Jennifer.
Here's some music right now.
We met this band, Joe, and we were doing the Camden Crawl.
Did we?
Yeah.
They came up to us when we were just about to introduce madness and this attractive lady walked by and she said, oh, we listened to your show.
And we're like, oh, thanks.
And she said, yeah, we're in a band.
We're called Chulips.
And they're a real band.
Chip-choe through the tulips.
It turns out.
And they're really good.
Here's Slick.
Terrific stuff there.
That's tulips with Slick.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
Yeah, and we're very lucky to have some very creative and inventive listeners who pay great attention to the show and then sometimes lift little random bits out and musicalise them.
And we've received a few versions of some sort of random idiotic throwaway singing we did, months and months ago.
You know, in no way planned, just free form singing that wonderful listeners have kind of lifted out of the podcast and put to music and reproduced, right?
Yeah, they've done a very nice job.
I think it was, we played Radio Radio by Elvis Costello at the beginning of one show and we were speculating as to
other kind of great songs that you might be able to play at the beginning of a radio program.
Yeah, the idea being that if you record a song about the radio, people on the radio are more likely to play it.
Yes, that's right.
It's just a guaranteed way to get airplay, to sing a song in praise of radio.
But that resulted in some idiotic free-form singing.
But Anthony McKay
has sent us the following version did he do a bit of my singing and a bit of your singing uh yeah he did he did um one for each yeah yeah so let's hear his his one he did for my singing
Oh, the DJ that's playin' the song is cool And the station he works for is the best in the world The show he presents is number one in the city Radio is great, please play me, I'm pretty I mean, that's good production, isn't it?
Very nice And he did a bit of yours as well Long is playin' on the radio
come on let's go listen to the song on the radio this is a song that is playing right now that was more of a challenge but he really rose to it he's kind of characterized you as a sort of slick rock guy and characterized me as some kind of farm bumpkin right sat in a tub of cow uh excellent uh anthony mackie i think i maybe said your name probably before m-a-c-k-e-y
Could be either, couldn't it?
Well, let's just call him Anthony.
Tony Tone.
Tony, Tony, Tony.
Thank you so much for that.
That's fantastic.
And then we got two more.
And unfortunately, we've lost the name of the person who did these.
So if you did these, quickly text or email and we will give you the credit you deserve.
But have a listen to these as well.
Oh, the DJ that's playing the song is cool.
And the station he works for is the best in the world.
He's kept in the kind of missing the beat at the end.
He's done it amazingly there.
That is good, that could be, I mean they'd play that on Capitol.
Sure, he's got the auto tune there and everything.
I mean that's, who were the guys that did, was it Eiffel65 who did... Right.
And blue... And has she done one for you as well?
Yeah, I think so.
This song is playing on the radio.
Hey-oh, come on, let's go.
Listen to the song on the radio.
This is the song that is playing right now.
What kind of music is that?
That's from the future.
It's fun party music for kids.
That's the kind of music they'll listen to in 2015.
That's good though.
But that guy's amazing.
Get in touch.
Or girl.
Because I mean, we should surely do a single with that guy.
We should surely do it.
This is a thing that, this is, I mean, I'm just, I'm not committing us to anything.
Joe's already looking worried.
He's crossed his arms, he's looking at me with a, don't say things like that face.
But I think it would be great to do a single at some point.
And that guy sounds like he could really fix us up.
He feels like he's got his finger on the pulse of what the kids listen to.
Yeah, I love that first one.
He's got everything.
And the Venga Bus it reminds me of as well.
Yes, everyone loves the Venga Bus.
You don't hear enough of that kind of music.
You don't.
Bring it back.
Bring back early 90s club rubbish.
Speaking of early 90s rubbish, was this early 90s or late 80s?
That was late 80s, wasn't it?
Oh, this is a great song.
This is David Bowie from his rubbish period.
And it was the first truly rotten album, I think, that Bowie put out tonight.
Are you gonna sit there and defend for me?
You're being very unmediated in your criticism of 80s classics.
I absolutely- First of all, you're drubbing the twins.
We know how much we love Bowie, right?
Yeah, but where's the love gone?
Well, I can't- He squandered the love when he put out this fetid piece of- This was the album that introduced me to Bowie.
Tonight was?
Well, maybe not.
It never was, come on.
I had the 12-inch gatefold of this.
Well, the song that I'm going to play is great.
Let's fire it off, James.
Loving The Alien.
I mean, this is the album version.
I don't intend to play the full seven minute version.
Why not?
It's one of my mum's favourite songs.
It is actually a brilliant song and he does a great bit of singing on it, but it is so...
repulsively produced.
And it's, I think he said himself that he wishes he could go back and have another crack at it.
What's from this?
What's repulsively produced?
Well, I do love it.
That's what I'm playing.
But that's true, isn't it?
Let's hear it.
This is Loving the Alien.
This is David Bowie.
I hope you're enjoying this song about religious persecution and intolerance.
But some things are even more important than aliens and loving them.
That's why now it's time for the news.
And that's the Franz Ferdinand with Know You Girls.
Adam and Jo here on PBC6 Music.
Don't forget listeners that if you're a music fan, the leader of the very first music band in the world, Sir Paul Macca Stroke McCartney, will be appearing on Lauren Laverne's new morning show on Monday at 10am the show starts.
So check it out, right?
I can't believe she's bagged Sir Macca.
What's she gonna say to him?
What kind of cheeky stuff will she say?
She'll say cheeky things.
He won't know what to say.
It'll be embarrassing.
She'll be fired.
That'll be that.
No, that's us.
It's a little bit bleak.
That's us.
That's what would happen if we interviewed you.
That was us.
No, she'll say incredibly clever things.
Can you imagine if we interviewed you as a maker?
What an absolute car smash it would be.
But listen, listeners.
Right now it's time for this.
Text-a-nation.
Text, text, text, text-a-nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text-a-nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text!
Text the Nation this week is all about the wickedest party what you've ever been to.
The mouse wickedest party, right?
Or like the cleverest idea anyone's had for making a party really memorable.
They've got a fucking Bronco in there.
I cannot believe that.
I can't believe that.
It's like a whole Bronco couldn't stay on for more than like five seconds.
Here's a pretty cool one from Tom in Southampton.
Hey A&J, when I was at uni I went to a destruction house party.
The house was being knocked down during the summer, so our last party of that year we set about to help.
Broken windows, ripping kitchen cupboards off walls, my friend and I spent a good half hour trying to break through a wall to no avail.
Now that sounds pretty good, don't you think?
Well, he says clearly that the house was due to be demolished.
Yeah, it's fine.
I'm not worried about that.
I'm worried about personal injury.
Because that kind of thing, you can very easily... I'm sure they were dressed in health and safety gear.
You can hurt yourself.
But it sounds like fun.
It does sound absolutely smashing.
Quite literally.
What's the film where they do that?
This is England, isn't it?
They go, little Thomas Turgus and his pals, his racist pals all go into a derelict house and smash it up.
I'm sure that's the heck out of it.
I'm sure someone will tell me if I'm wrong.
Here's another one from Somebody Anonymous.
Once we had an anti-landlord party.
So this person's obviously staying in a rented house.
We had a UV strip light in the corner and handed out loads of UV security pens and wrote in four foot high letters what we thought of our landlord and got everyone to sign their names underneath.
This was great, till the party got out of hand and all three emergency services turned up.
Someone called the AA to complete the set.
This is from Ben in Oman.
P.S.
don't use a smoke machine in a house because everyone wants to go and you can't see anything or anyone in your home, including the police or your friends or people stealing your stuff and a confused A.A.
man.
That would be terrifying, wouldn't it, if like just out of the smoke suddenly a policeman loses?
Oi, stop it!
Stop it!
Look what you've written about your landlord in UV pen, you pout!
Here's another.
UV seems to be the flavour of the area.
Here's one from LV, Star and LV in Brighton, and it simply says, UV ping pong party.
Fun times with a bat and a ball.
That sounds good, man.
A UV-painted ping pong ball and UV-painted bats.
Yeah, I mean, that does sound good, doesn't it?
It's like a couple of ghosts playing ping pong in it.
You know, it reminds me of that bit in The Game, with Michael Douglas, where he gets back and the guy's gone UV crazy all over his mansion.
Yeah, well, John Shoemaker loves a bit of UV, as some in Batman begins as well, isn't he?
That's Fincher!
The Game.
Oh, you're absolutely right, but Shoemaker... Oh, you're right, you're absolutely right.
Yeah, UV's always fun, though, in a movie, eh?
It is.
You should have some of that.
I can't believe I got that wrong.
Oh, and how do I think?
What are you thinking?
Shoemaker.
I was going to gloss over it.
Here's another one.
It's from somebody from a person.
I would like to hold a nuclear fallout party.
Within five minutes of everyone arriving, everything carried or worn by each guest would be burnt in a barrel in the middle of the room.
to replicate the loss of material possessions in a quick and hot way, perhaps to the sound of a particularly dreary Morrissey song.
Then, once the anger and fury and sadness had abated, in what I'm sure would be a very heated period of time, we would form small groups in various parts of the house to see how we'd manage.
It would be a good way to carve up the group to ensure I get to hang with the people I want to hang with.
Ultimately, to them, I'd be making a provocative statement about war, but to me, it would be my way of not having to provide any food or drink or music or gimmicks.
They'd have to party using their wits.
Whoa, that is a cerebral party, that person's hardcore, don't you think?
It's anonymous.
Anonymous?
I think.
Hey man, do you remember those crazy... Hey man!
Hey man!
Do you remember those crazy parties that we used to go to in the 80s?
I actually had a point there, apart from singing Hey Jude, which was, like, do you remember there was a whole bunch of... I was singing Suffragette City.
But he probably doesn't say hey man in that, does he?
Hey man!
Oh, leave me alone, you know.
Yeah, he does, there you go.
Um, there was, we did a report on that guy Justin Etsin.
He used to organise all those sexy parties for like... Toph parties.
Toph balls.
Team Toph Balls.
Yeah.
And there was a whole vogue for those kind of things.
I'm sure they still happen.
A big sort of mad, hedonistic, destructive, but it can't just be posh kids, surely, or is it just a posh kid?
Oh, they got the money, haven't they?
They got the money, haven't they?
Here's another one from Les.
I want a party in a room of flies.
People would go crazy.
There would be interesting pursuits and a fat man would be forced to do the hoovering.
What?
I don't know, but that's quite tangential, don't you think?
That is very tangential.
In a room of flies.
I mean, that could be an element to my Vietnam War party.
Yeah.
Damien Hirst style party.
Yeah.
This is from Dan, aged 26, in the Cotswolds.
For my dad's 40th, they carpeted the back garden and turfed the living room.
Not sure why, maybe they were drunk.
The water board had to come out because they thought there was a leak.
But it turns out it was the fake clouds using a lot of water.
What?
Is that a joke?
Or did they really have a little weather, an indoor weather system?
Have you, did you read this one out and think, yeah, I'm gonna... Yes, I did.
I'm gonna read this out because this is almost... Well, the first bit was good, wasn't it?
Carpeted the back garden and turfed the living room.
And then he's got fake clouds.
That's the kind of thing they do in China for the Olympics, but not for like some guy's party.
Dan, age 26 in the Cotswolds.
Hello, do you do weather systems?
Yes, I was wondering if I could just hire a microclimate for the weekend.
Listen, Count Bucky loses his pouring scorn upon your party.
Give us some more detail.
Tell us whether it's true or not.
I am one of the stupidest people in the world, but you know, when I see something even stupider than that, I like to pour a little scorn bucket over it.
You've got micro-climates.
Here's the CBs.
This is Misdemina.
That's the CBs there, with their cover of Foster Silver's Misdemina.
And they're a new act.
And that's a very, very faithful, I mean, cover of the thing.
It's almost identical.
We would point you towards the 1973 original, because presumably that's a female lead singer singing it there on that cover.
Yeah.
And the original is a kind of a kid singing, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Michael Jackson style.
Which gives it an extra little layer of, you know, interest.
Yeah, but that was nice.
Very nice.
The CBs there.
Now, Joe, how do you feel about like when you read the names that famous people give their children?
Do you have any interest in that?
Do you sometimes chortle or do you not bother?
I don't mind, really.
No, I mean, you know, I'm pro people giving their children crazy names.
I don't mind it.
Like, I never joined in when people used to ridicule the names of Bob Geldof and his wife's children.
Paul Yates.
Right.
And Jonathan Ross's children and stuff like that.
I don't mind the Fifi tricks of bells and the honeys and the pixies and all that kind of stuff.
I think that's fine.
But there's a weird sort of middle ground when celebrities have obviously thought about what name to give their children and they're making some kind of a statement there.
For example, Tandy Newton's children, I found out, are called Nico and Ripley.
Well, Ripley's good because that's Sigourney Weaver in Alien.
Yeah, but to name your daughter Ripley?
Ripples.
I think that's all right.
That's a lot to live up to.
She might be called Nipples.
But I thought it was sort of pretentious to go after Ripley.
Well, it's quite old now, Alien.
Yeah, I don't think it's you know, I don't think that's like a default response.
You'll get in this in the playground any now plus It's an 18.
Yeah.
Yeah, so the younger children might have seen it.
What's the generation?
Niko, that's quite old-school.
It's fine.
I mean, it's it's it's a fairly common name.
Yeah It's not just the preserve of Niko, but Ripley I mean Ripley is just Sigourney Weaver from alien, right?
I think there's never been anyone else ever called Ripley.
I
I don't know, I mean they must have named, Ripley's more of a surname, isn't it?
And it was good in the, like in the film is Ripley her first name?
Ripley's, believe it or not?
In the film she's Ellen Ripley, right?
So, to give a child like a surname as their first name is always a strange thing, I feel.
How about, like, if you had daughters, would you give them crazy names or just go traditional?
I don't know.
I wouldn't mind a crazy name if I thought of one.
Tank Girl?
Tunkles?
Armistad?
Armistad.
That would be a nice name for a little girl.
That would be a good one.
Yes, you're absolutely right.
Erin Brockovich?
Like, just as one name.
Erin Brockovich.
Erin Brockovich Cornish.
Yeah, that would be nice.
Because she's a, you know, generously chested campaign lady.
Azkaban is announced.
Called my son Azkaban.
Yeah.
That might be good.
Pongo.
Well, Pongo is good.
If I had two boys, if I had another two boys... I'm thinking of Cape Fear McNamee.
That's the full name.
That's one name.
Yeah, Cape Fear is the Christian name, McNamee is the surname.
Cape Fear McNamee Corny.
McNamee, it sounds almost Scottish.
Because of the Mac.
I'd go for Pongo Euclid Buxton.
Pongo Euclid.
Yeah.
Because it's fun.
I'd go for... That's something a bit more cerebral.
I'd go for Feston, Dogville, Antichrist.
Feston, Dogville, Antichrist, come on!
Tease ready, Antichrist!
Stop bullying Feston!
And you could have a little, uh, list of, you know, your manifesto for how to run the family.
They'd only ever be allowed to play a natural light.
And they wouldn't be allowed to have any non, uh, what's it called?
Digetic music playing.
They'd have to obey the rules of dogma.
And who's the naughtiest one?
I bet it's Feston.
It's Feston.
Yeah, well, I don't know how Antichrist gets obsessed with all this stuff with those rusty scissors.
Here's some music.
This is your free choice, Joe.
Is it now?
Here's some Stereo Lab.
They're a group, a band.
This is called Cellulose Sunshine.
Well, that's, uh, hello, listeners.
That's it for this week.
It's time for us to leave you in the capable hands of Liz Kershaw.
Thank you very much to everyone who's texted and emailed, and thanks for listening.
I poo-pooed the weather system earlier and it turned out they were like cotton clouds, you know?
Yeah, Dan, your reputation is clear, the clouds were real.
Don't forget next week our show starts at 10am until 1pm.
Today's show's available on Listen Again and it'll be out in podcast form on Monday.
We love you, bye!
Bye-bye.