Looking where there's just a touch on the face of spirit.
In my backpack, I got my act right She should act quite difficult And your result, we end With anger and discontent Slowing, singing in search of my keyboard I'm a peace-loving decoy ready for retaliation I change the whole occasion to a pine box six under
Why you feel the bruiser?
Chill with your old lady at the gym I got a 90-day station and I feel with you From Queens, Tennessee You want it from a bottom line, from a gang team Tonight I hear the shots swing, so I'm a light sleeper Cost of life seems to get cheaper Out in the desert with my sweet sweeper The war is over, soul sets beat up With the rice soup on, fancy hair, I'm just a pawn So we can advance, remember when they eat the beans
Christmas, my friend!
Christmas!
Since I bought this house between Simon Callow and Brian Blessed, it's caused me problems around the festive season listeners, because when I hear that sound, listen.
I simply don't know whether it's Santa or Blessed or Callo.
Oh, it's Blessed.
He said Simon.
Do you know what that sound is, listeners?
My house is directly between Callo and Blessed.
That's the sound of Blessed talking to Callo through the walls of my house.
There's Callo.
Can you hear that as clearly as I can hear that listener?
I paid £750,000 for this house.
I'm mortgaged up to my... Ball eyes.
Blimey, they're being very loud this evening.
Oh, hey, man.
They are being very loud.
I wish they could just go round or speak on the phone, but shouting to each other through my house is really anti-social.
Can you imagine them texting each other?
It would all be capitals, wouldn't it?
If they weren't such extraordinary actors.
They're good actors, I'll tell you that much.
I would complain.
I'll give you that much for free.
So, folks, it's Christmas Eve.
Oh, boy.
I mean, that's almost my favourite part of Christmas, right?
My cockles have never been warmer.
Yeah.
They're absolutely boiling.
Do you have a little Christmas Eve ritual at all?
I mean, in the olden days, when we lived near to each other, we would go round to each other's houses.
You guys, a little bit of phlegm there, it's Christmas phlegm.
Festive phlegm.
We would all converge at my parents' house in Clapham.
My dad would get a little bit tooty on champagne and regale us with stories of the old days, and Joe and Louis would sit by the fire and sort of chuckle at him.
I would join in.
It was good times, man.
Good times.
They're gone now.
Are they?
But no, we've got some good times for you right here, listeners.
This is a compilation of some of our favourite moments from the programme throughout the year.
We really hope you enjoy it.
It's two hours long, isn't that correct?
And it's full of chitchat highlights from a full year of Adam and Jo radio shows here on BBC Six Music.
And some of the exciting topics that we're going to cover include our trip to Glastonbury,
MP's expenses, mate.
That was a hot button topic this year.
Ah, hot topic?
All over it.
The BBC's points of view programme, The Archers.
Bla boobie de baya.
And lots of contributions that you, the listeners, made to various techs the nation, so you never know.
You could be featured in this programme.
Mmm, that's exciting for you, isn't it?
Because let's not forget that you, listeners, are the backbone of the show, and without you it would be a formless pile of dog poo.
Yep.
That's going a bit too far, isn't it?
That's not very Christmasy, isn't it?
It's not a Christmasy image, is it?
No, it's a formless pile of dog poop.
So listen, here's some Jamie Bowie.
He's one of our favourite artists on the programme.
And this is a very special song for me.
This is the first song I ever learned how to play on the guitar.
And I sang this to my beautiful wife at our wedding in front of my friends and family.
And I'm still a little bit embarrassed about it.
No, you're not.
I have to tell you, yeah, I really am.
Sometimes I wake up at night sweating thinking, oh, maybe that wasn't the best idea.
But here's David doing the proper version of Coops.
Will you stay in our lover's story?
If you stay, you won't be sorry, cause we believe in you.
Soon you'll grow, so take a chance With a couple of kooks, hung up on romancing Will you stay in our lover's story?
If you stay, you won't be sorry Cause we'll believe in you Soon you'll grow, so take a chance With a couple of kooks, hung up on romancing
We bought a lot of things to keep you warm and dry And a funny old crib on which the paint won't dry I bought you a pair of shoes, a trumpet you can blow And a book of rules of what to say to people when they pick on you Cause if you stay with us, you're gonna be pretty cooking too Will you stay in our lover's storage?
If you stay
He believed in you Soon you'll grow So take a chance With a couple of kooks Come up alone
Remember how they messed up, you're so fool Don't pick fights with the bullies or the cats Cause I'm not much cop, adventuring other people's dads And if the homework brings you down Then we'll throw it on the fire and take the car downs out Will you stay in my lover's story?
If you stay, you won't be sorry Cause we believe in you
What a funny face.
Beautiful eyes.
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear.
A bear was Fuzzy Wuzzy.
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.
I don't know the rest of that poem.
It was, it was, it was, it was.
Iman, is that the phone ringing?
It was, it was.
Just Adam and Jo at Glastonbury 2009 live for BBC 6 Music and don't forget there's full coverage of the festival for the rest of the day here on 6 Music and you can find all sorts of exciting fees from all the stages at bbc.co.uk slash Glastonbury.
You know if you're at home some may say you're in a better position to enjoy the festival than if you're here.
I mean, they'd be slightly foolish.
Yeah, because it's been an absolutely beautiful festival.
We've been very lucky with the weather thus far.
Anyway, listen, folks, we're going to fill you in now on how we got on yesterday when we went to the cabaret tent and did a stint of live performing for the crowds and for Black Squadron, who turned up in their hundreds to see us read out some classic made-up jokes.
Yeah, if you've contributed a joke to this show, listen carefully, because you never know, your material might have been read out in front of a Glastonbury crowd.
Check it out.
BBC six music live from Glastonbury 2009 with Adam and Joe Hey listeners, we're outside the cabaret tent Kevin Eldon is on inside It's a very very packed audience in there.
It is quite a few people have turned up to see us, which is very heartening We're just doing this little link outside the tent and would you say 15 people with cameras have gathered around us?
Yeah
Black Squadron are here, basically.
It's the Black Squadron paparazzi division.
It's amazing.
They're popping us.
And this is the 10th Stevenage we're getting as well.
Never has there been so much Stevenage.
There's waving and excitement.
Check this out.
If I shout Steven right now, I'm going to get a good response.
Do you think?
Yeah.
Let's try it.
One, two, three.
Steven!
Go Steven!
That was pretty good.
Look at that.
Pretty good.
You know, they've had a tough weekend, so they're not as tight as they might be.
We didn't even arrange high quality, so it's very good indeed.
So here we go.
Stephen!
This is amazing.
This is maximum Stephenish.
If you don't know who the hell we are, all we're talking about, we're Adam and John, Adam.
Hello, I'm Joe.
We do a radio show on BBC 6 music.
We used to be on television a long time ago before 9-11.
9-11 changed all that.
We've been banned from TV now.
But we're here tonight to do a very, very fast set, a four minute set of pure comedy uranium.
These are made up jokes that our listeners have sent in to us.
Yeah, we have to stress, these are all authored by real people.
You know, they're not made by jokes, scientists.
These are organic, fair trade jokes.
You know, for the new millennia.
And to maximise the efficiency of this set, we're going to ask you not to make any noise at all.
If you think the jokes are terrible, please stay silent.
If you think they're amazing, please stay completely silent.
We're going to try and get three minutes of pure silence, and at the very end...
You can let it all out.
You can respond in any way you please.
We'll give you the cue and then you can let it all out.
But until then, absolute silence for these extraordinary made up jokes.
I'm going to begin by setting the scene with a joke I made up myself that got the ball rolling on our radio show.
I'm very pleased with it.
What do you call a group of rapping babies?
The no solids crew.
No noise!
There was some noise.
Here's one I made up when my girlfriend said to me, oh Joe, I've got really bad indigestion.
Quick as a flash.
I came back with, well, why don't you get out of digestion?
No noise.
This is a joke from Gareth in Letwick Major.
What do you call an Italian who could talk to the dead?
Luigi board.
Another one from Gareth.
My cat Minton ate a shuttlecock.
Bad Minton.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for Fresh Prince.
Just take a tiny second to take that in and let's move on.
It's important for me to tell you that this next joke is written by a four-year-old, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, you've got the year-old?
Yeah.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
The Pooh Monster.
These are from Merrick Cartwright, incidentally, aged four.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He was being chased by the Pooh Monster.
When old Schwarzenegger was upset last Easter, because he didn't get any eggs, his secretary said to him, does this mean you hate Easter now, Mr. Governor?
And he said, nah, I still love Easter, baby.
That's it, made up dance.
Well, Adam and John, thank you very much to any listeners who've come to see us.
Thanks to all the animals.
Stephen!
Have a great first of all.
We have just come off stage at the cabaret tent.
We just completed our made up joke set.
And how did you feel it went Joe?
I was excited, I think it went really well.
I made a couple of pronounced C-A-T-R-E boo-boos, but I feel that's part of my shtick.
It was brilliant.
We turned it round.
I, you know, I rigged you a little bit about it and you took the ribbing really well.
I thought you might get angry because, you know, you're the stand-up and I was doing really well and probably level with you, you know, and I just thought you might be getting a bit angry and jealous.
I thought I might be threatened by it.
Yeah, threatened by my kind of untutored stand-up skills.
I thought I'd be annoyed by the fact that you haven't got any formal training skills.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, there I am.
Like Michael Caine versus Al Pacino, you know.
Yeah, exactly.
But what a great crowd.
They came out in droves for us.
If anyone's listening to this who was in that crowd, thank you, thank you for coming and for giving us such a welcome.
You made two very happy men, very, very old.
A shallow piece of dignity I wish I had a bottle Right here in my dead place
So that this is the end
We don't talk about love We only wanna dance
Inside for life
This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.
One of the biggest challenges of coming to the Glastonbury Festival, uh, aside from surviving the festival itself, is the journey.
Oh yes.
It's getting down here.
Like one year you and I drove, didn't we Adam?
Yeah.
Back in the days when we were doing tele coverage for BBC Choice, we drove down.
How long did we sit in a jam for?
Uh, seven hours.
Seven hours.
It was infuriating.
It was.
Nothing worse than being stuck in a jam.
Especially... A special Douglas can attest.
Exactly.
You know, in this big metal box sitting in the middle of God knows where, Lord knows where, unable to move.
I ran out of music to play.
I had my mini disc player, and I thought I'd done pretty well stocking up for the music.
I was down to the really rotten stuff.
They might have improved it over the years, but the roads around Glastonbury become notoriously congested leading up to the festival.
Various local villages have to be sort of circled off by security men and stuff.
It's a big hoo-ha.
It's an absolute dime of hoo-ha.
It's one of the largest of all the hoo-has.
So this year we decided to come by train.
And we got our agents to pressure the BBC into sending us down in minor style, write a cheap weekend first class upgrade, because the carriages were very full.
So I was sitting in first class and some other people had had the same idea.
They bought the cheap first class upgrade.
And there are a couple of lads sitting opposite me.
I say lads, they were in their mid-to-late 30s, obviously childhood friends.
They sat down and they'd obviously sort of got off a week's work early and they were going to relive their youth by going down to Glasto together like they did maybe 15 years ago.
They went to the buffet as soon as it opened.
How many tins of beer do you think they got each?
Each.
Well, if it was me, I'd go for a couple.
Eight.
Eight each.
Two-hour journey, eight each.
What's the maths on that?
That's unbelievable.
What for them?
15 minutes.
That's extraordinary.
That was extraordinary.
They started off with quite intelligent conversation but then and they were sitting right near me I was trying to read my paper but I couldn't help but listen to every single word they were saying.
Yeah.
They started to have a burping competition.
Did they?
Yeah and then that the burping competition it devolved into a farting competition.
In executive class this is?
This was in premier class.
They started blowing off really loud classic raspberry farts.
What the hell?
And I thought, this can't go on, so I broke the fourth wall again.
No!
Like I did at the King Creosote gig.
Oh, you intervened.
And I turned to them and said, how old did you say you are?
37.
That was your opening gambit.
With a smile.
It was a nice, light-hearted thing to say.
And they looked at me and laughed, but they were mortified.
Nice and light-hearted.
Cornish managed to do his mortifying act again.
Were you shaking while he said it?
No, no, I was, I was, I'm used to this kind of thing.
I'm a professional, you know, professional party pooper.
Yeah.
And then we had a little chitchat that was fine, but they were obviously so freaked out at being caught at being juvenile.
Yeah.
They tried to then turn their conversation into something more intellectual.
I wrote down some of the stuff they said immediately after the farting incident.
People you don't ever want to be stuck in a confined space with.
Me.
Number one.
Choking.
There was some giggling after the fighting had been exposed and they sort of didn't know what to do next.
Their style was cramped by me.
What a weird.
So they started to talk about films and one of them said, you know what the best film is ever made?
Citizen Kane.
Do you know why?
Two words.
Greg Toland.
Depth of field.
75% of all communication is non-verbal.
It's about seeing the ceiling.
He started to go super intellectual about Citizen Kane.
To try and convince me, the Cornballs, that they weren't just Fartmeisters.
And they completely stopped guffing.
It wasn't like... The guffing stopped.
But he was really making a conscious effort to try and turn his reputation around.
Yeah.
I don't know what their names were.
I won't embarrass them.
But they were having a good time.
And you know what the sweetest thing was?
When the train pulled up at Castle Kerry and the Tannoy announced where we were, they both high-fived each other.
Like a couple of excited 15-year-olds.
It was very sweet.
And they fell out of the train on their faces and fell asleep on the platform.
As far as I know, they're still there.
Are you going to tell anyone else in the festival off today?
I'm going to tell a lot of people off in the festival.
After the show's finished, we should go out there and record you just telling some people off.
They were farting.
Would you have just tolerated the farting?
It was stinky as well.
You can't do stinky guffs in first class, can you?
No, I admire your interventionary skills.
That's very impressive.
How old did you say you were?
But don't paint me as some kind of headmaster type character.
No, why would I?
It was Jovil.
It was friendly.
We're good pals.
That's cool.
I promise I'm so much.
I am a relic.
I am just a petrified cry.
Well, I want to hear a sign of time, sovereignly.
It's time to start my songs.
Electric desert, dearera Scream to us all, to us all Electric desert, dearera Scream to us all, to us all
To my son, dear Herrera Scream to my son, to my son Left his death son, dear Herrera Scream to my son, to my son I saw my medal, it paid a bill And sales of markets lost forever
to the side
Adam and Joe's on 6 Music.
People, people, we got to get over before we go under.
Down, oh.
People, people, we got to get over before we go under.
Hey country, you didn't say what you meant, you just changed.
Brand new funky, president down.
Start market going up, jobs going down.
Let's get together and raise some Let's get together, get some land Raise our food like the man
Put up a backflip on the job.
Whoo!
Come on, let me out.
Hello, Godfather.
Hello!
Whoo!
Turn on your funk motor.
Get down and bring his load.
Get sexy, sexy, get funky and dainty.
Love me, baby.
Love me nice.
Don't make it one, but can you make it twice?
I like it.
Peep-a-peep-a, we gotta get over before we go under.
Peep-a-peep-a, well, well, well, before we go under.
Turn on your funk motor, I know it's tough.
Turn on your funk motor, until you get enough, yeah.
Hey, give this a chance to come through.
I can do what you can do.
Hey, this is the band.
Rap Godfather.
Hey there.
Code Red.
Beep-a-beep-a.
Hey.
Beep-a-beep-a.
Hey.
Beep-a-beep-a.
Don't you see what he's doing?
Beep-a-beep-a.
Change it, yeah Got to get together and get some land Raise our food just like the man Hey, hey, hey, hey I got to say it again We got to get together and find some land Raise our food just like the man
up your factory and own the job.
I got to get over before we go under.
Time ain't a jaunt.
Lord, could you do you know just what I meant?
Well, there's change.
I got a brand new funky business.
I need to be the mayor.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
I've just got a bit of advice for some people in the BBC, some of our fellow big British castle dwellers.
It was the last episode of Points of View this week.
Oh really?
Do you ever watch Points of View?
No, who's
hosting it these days.
But isn't it important for there to be a forum within a channel where viewers can have their say and get a sense of feedback?
They've got to have their right to reply.
Especially for the BBC in this day and age, there's been a lot of scrutiny of the BBC and its values and all that kind of business.
So in a way, Points of View is a very important programme because it should seriously reflect that listener's points of view are being taken seriously.
Yeah.
And you would have thought that would be reflected in the theme music, wouldn't you?
Yeah, I've no idea what the theme music is.
Well, this is the theme music that the BBC have decided to use for points of view, and they have kind of improved the rest of the show.
In the old days, the host used, the letters used to be read out by sort of comedy voices, do you remember?
Yeah.
And it was just a tiny bit dismissive.
and making light of people's complaints.
And I think they changed that.
It's now presented by Jeremy Vine.
And in the old days, it was in a sort of front room, a cozy sort of front room with some flowers.
Now it's in a sort of, he's leaning on a control desk.
It's as if it's more serious and like the news and as if your complaints are really getting to a place that matters.
But they made all those improvements.
The control desk.
but they're still using a theme tune that maybe doesn't reflect the necessary respect for their listeners.
Because I would imagine it would be something like the news, you know?
Yes, serious and important.
Like a current affairs gig.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, no, this is the theme tune they use.
You made that up.
No, that's the real theme music.
I had to edit it a bit there because the iPlayer kept stalling.
Ah, it does that.
Is that really the theme music?
That's the theme music.
Let's have it again.
The BBC has been in some quite serious trouble in the last year or so.
That's just a tip to my colleagues in the castle.
You might want to change that music.
Who made that?
Whoever done that is a jingle genius for a start.
Yeah, it's good music, but maybe on the wrong show.
On the wrong show.
See, that would be good theme music for our show.
It would.
Well, maybe we should sing over it or do an extended mix of it.
We should do a jingle for... We should do a new piece of theme music for their show.
We should sing them the Black Squadron music or something.
Right.
I'll try and think of some new music for their show, right?
They can have that, and we can use... We can use Bla Boobadee Baya.
We need to find out who composed that.
Who composed Bla Boobadee Baya?
I'd love to go to a live concert by then.
Wouldn't you?
I don't know what the album's like.
For their encore they'd come out and they'd do that four more times.
Anyway, message to Vine there and... Play Bla Boobity Blya!
Let's keep an eye on the next series of points of view and see whether they stick with that music.
I'm sick of playing Bla Boobity Blya, it's all anyone asks for.
They're reforming the band!
Oh no, we're gonna have to play Bla Boobity Blya again.
Staring up
Rough that blood out of the sky
The future's all it feels to see
All you need is a kiss
The largest amount of pots, pans and kitchen implements ever used at once on a pop record.
Did you know that?
That was Kiss of Life by Friendly Fires.
You invented that fact though, didn't you?
Yes.
That was an invented fact.
We should have an invented fact jingle on this thing.
We'd be playing it round the clock.
That was an invented fact.
That was based on spurious guesswork.
Could be the other jingle.
Yeah.
Kiss of Life by Friendly Fires is the song we just play.
Friendly Fires are presenting a show on Six Music this Sunday as part of our month of Mercurys.
And they didn't win anything at the Mercurys, I'm afraid to say, but that hasn't stopped them, you know, putting their chin up, jutting their chin out and saying, never mind, there's always next year, there's always the chance we might get a Mercury nom next year.
Who won the Mercury nom last year?
Well, the big Mercury winners were Elbow, weren't they?
Ah, were they?
And this year it was speech to Bell.
I mean Elbow was sort of well established before they won the Mercury, so there's no question of them fading from view the way some people who have won the Mercury Prize in the past have done.
Have they really?
Do some people consider it as a bit of a kiss of death?
Well, it's a poisoned chalice for some people, isn't it?
Who was the guy Ronnie Sighs and his represent?
Right, you don't really want a probation from above, do you, if you're a rebellious pop type?
No, exactly.
You don't want to be formed prefect on the head boy.
You don't want to be stroked by the head boy.
You want to be at the back of the bus flicking V's.
Well done, speech to Belle.
Well done.
All the chaps think you've done a brilliant job on your album.
You're gobbing in the street as the best gobbing in the school.
Well done with your Flemmy bits.
You're a naughty chap, and we think that's great.
Top marks!
Here's a prize and a cheque to go with.
We've given up, trying to get everybody to speak proper.
From now on, the whole school gonna speak not proper.
And you're going to be the leader of them.
Wicked, well done.
Grim, grim, grim it.
Listen, I'm not going to dress the same way as you just say, you know, or behave like you.
Or actually listen to the records you're buying, making.
But good job.
There's the check.
I want people to think I'm cool like you.
Stand next to you.
Give you a prize.
Look at me disco dancing.
Speech to Belle come round for dinner with me.
That's what the head of the Mercury is, a little song he sung just backstage after he'd given her the prize.
You know the people that decide the Mercury Prize, the nominees and the winners, are nothing like that.
Freddie Mercury.
It's nothing to do with Freddie Mercury.
They're all young, intelligent, groovy people, nothing like the way we've just characterized them.
It's another made up fact.
You see, we just have to have that as a music bed, basically, not a jingle.
Now, can you hear that I've got a cold?
Yeah, listeners, Adam came in today looking very under the weather with a with a terrible cold.
Yeah.
I've got you're doing very well.
I'm coming in.
Got some medications.
Well, I wasn't sure if I should come in because, you know, a few months back, it was a big deal on the news.
It was like, well, if you've got a cold, should you go into work?
And the consensus was no, you shouldn't, because it's putting your coworkers at risk of the pandemic.
But then I thought the pandemic's over a little you just flinched well I said that very loud, and I suddenly had a sort of Medical flash you I should have covered my mouth with I could see the disease molecules flying through the air towards me covering my mouth with a medicated tissue I had a macro flash
Is that better?
Yeah, that's better.
Keep talking.
It's very ghastly because of the beard.
I can't do that.
That's ridiculous.
But no, I did wonder if I should come in.
But then on the other hand, the good thing about having a cold is that it does give a special quality to your voice, right?
A special kind of a tambourine.
Yeah, no, it's good.
It's sounding good.
I sound a bit like the lady.
Who's the lady that does the sort of trails before our show starts?
Can you play that thing?
The sexy, bored one.
The sexy one.
She says everything the same way.
I'm so bored.
She is sexy.
Six music.
Today from two.
John Holmes.
Yeah.
From midday.
Liz Kershaw.
What?
And now, it's Adam and Joe.
Who cares?
She just talks like that.
Stuff him down the toilet.
All the time.
Who cares?
Listen darling, I'm going to the shops.
Do you want anything?
Actually hang on.
Tonight?
What?
Half price.
Fish fingers.
Yeah.
Do you want fish fingers for tea?
Okay, that's what we'll have.
Do you want potatoes?
Or broccoli?
It's 7.15.
Or both?
The Bill!
I don't know why she extended it there.
I think she got stuck.
I just can't convince myself I couldn't live with no one else And I can only play that part And sit and nurse my broken heart so lonely
They're always free
I feel all alone
So Joe, MPs, expenses.
Oh, I'm glad you bought this up because there hasn't been enough talk about this subject in the media.
I know you like hot button topics.
I love hot button topics.
I saw Dervle Cohen.
Do you know the actress Dervle Cohen?
She was in Ballykiss Angel and she's a well-known TV actress.
And she was on The One Show.
Is it still called The One Show?
Yes.
With Adrian Childs and The Lady.
And they were talking about MP's expenses and they just asked Dervle Cohen.
And I thought maybe she'd come out with some kind of wishy-washy.
Yeah, you know.
Well, that's shocking.
That's what I would come out with if I was asked about the TV show.
She was absolutely adamant.
She said, it's a disgrace.
It's an absolute disgrace.
We've been let down.
I spent my whole life being honest.
I never fiddled a single thing in my life.
And I think it's shocking.
And even Adrian Charles was like, well, you never fiddle anything.
Not a single thing you've been dishonest.
No.
Came the answer from, she said it nicer than that.
She didn't shout.
But more, but her attitude was saying.
Well, now I'm worried about you and Adrian Charles.
Why?
Because you clearly fiddled things.
Have you not fiddled nothing?
Never.
You're like Dervle Cohen.
I've never fiddled anything.
I don't believe you.
I do believe Dervle Cohen.
I don't believe you.
You are the fiddler.
You're Johnny Fiddler.
What thing to accuse me of?
What's your evidence?
You're the Yehudi Menuhin of life.
Oh, I fiddled.
You loved to fiddle.
What?
Where's your evidence?
I don't know.
I'm projecting.
I fiddled lots of things.
Clearly.
You've never taken, like, toilet paper from work?
Uh, no.
Bit of computer printing paper.
Pens.
Sometimes I steal pens.
You're the Fiddler.
Biro, is this that bad?
Yes.
Could an MP be thrown out of court for nicking up Biro?
Definitely, definitely.
What about a lighter?
Sometimes I go home with other people's lighters in the past, I've done that.
Public Apology.
I hereby apologise unreservedly to listeners of the BBC Four in 1985 taking Chris Barnes' Bic lighter accidentally from his house.
Now you've busted barns for being a filthy smoker.
So I'm going to thank you for that.
This was in the 80s.
Yeah, well.
Everyone smoked in the 80s.
That's true.
It was healthy back then.
It was acceptable in the 80s.
That's the only thing you've ever fiddled, is it?
Pretty much.
Never tried to.
You are such a liar.
I know I'm not a big fiddler.
I'm not a big fiddler, but I'm you can't even look at me Well, I'm not looking at cuz I remember I'm starting to remember some of your fiddles What about the photographs that we've got of your fiddles all the good times that we used to have oh, okay?
That was stealing
That wasn't as subtle as fiddling.
Fiddling's a nice word.
That was just theft.
I may have done some shoplifting in the 80s, but that's something that lots of kids go through.
That's not true, and we're not encouraging it by any means.
No, it's a terrible thing, but that's a bit different.
That's a kind of rite of passage when you're discovering the nature of property and theft.
You weren't shoplifting, though.
Come on.
That was.
Kind of.
Wasn't technically shocking.
As a member of the big British car, you could even get thrown out retrospectively for admitting something like that.
Something I did in 1986.
Definitely, definitely.
Come on.
If they're putting people in prison with DNA evidence, you know, I mean that's murder obviously, it's slightly different.
Yeah, they could retrospectively caution you, hang you out, because they don't... I can't believe that this link has ended up with me being forced into a criminal confession about petty shoplifting I did in the mid-80s.
when it started out with MPs tax-fiddling, and now I'm on the ropes.
See, this is a good example of me not... I didn't want you to confess to any grand larceny.
I was interested in, like, pens... I've been skillfully manipulated.
I've been skillfully manipulated by Sherlock... Buxton... into making a confession.
We better play some more music before we're all fired.
I wanna be rich and I want lots of money I don't care about clever, I don't care about funny I want loads of clothes and I want loads of diamonds I heard people die while they're trying to find them And I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless Cause everyone knows that's how you get famous I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
It's all about fast cars and crossing each other But it doesn't matter cause I'm packing plastic And that's what makes my life so fantastic And I am away from a massive consumption And it's not my fault, it's how I'm programmed to function I look at the sun and I look in the mirror I'm on the right track, yeah we're on to a winner I don't know what's right and what's new
You say you can go without a feeling
I forget about guns, I forget ammunition Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission Now I'm not a saint, but I'm not a sinner Now everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner
Oh.
We'll be here with the people care
world the time has come to push the button world the time has come to push the button world the time has come to push the button world my finger is on the button my finger is on the button
My finger is on the button Push the button
We're on top of the hour, you'll be glad to know.
But we're not on top of anything else at all.
Let's go to the ball.
Sometimes you better off dead There's a gun in your hand that's pointing at your head You think you're mad, too unstable Kicking in chairs and knocking down tables in a restaurant In a West End town, call the police There's a mad man around, running down underground To a dive bar in a West End town In a West End town, a dead end world For the East End boys and West End girls In a West End town, a dead end world
The eastern boys and western girls, western girls Too many shadows whispering voices, faces on persons, too many choices if, when, why, what
The Eastern Boys and Western Boys
Built to last in every city and every nation From Lake Geneva to the Finland Station Our western town, the dead end world Our western town, the dead end world Our western town, the dead end world Our western town, the dead end world
A couple of weeks ago, was it a couple of weeks ago we did a little grunting masterclass?
Yes, a couple of weeks, yeah.
Yeah, I was harnessing Adam's skills as a screen actor to just take you listeners through some of the grunting skills that are required for performances in action films.
That's good man, what was that?
uh... that was lifting a manhole cover with a body lying across it yes very good very good important part of any actors repertoire to be able to grant for big screen movies but i'm i've always been fascinated by uh... the archers the radio four drama series are you a listener uh... i listen every now and then i'm more often i'm in a room when other people are listening or i catch the beginning and switch it off uh... but i do love the archers
And it's occurred to me that there's a special skill required for acting in The Archers, similar to the skill of grunting for action films.
In The Archers, it seems to me, moaning and sighing is very important.
That's good.
It seems to me when I listen to the archers on Radio 4 that they're constantly coming into a Roman sighing, making tea, and then sighing again, and then that's the end of the scene.
That's the default tone of the archers.
I think so.
It's sort of ennui.
It's something that permeates Radio 4 drama as a whole, is sort of abject sighing.
It's a good way of emoting on the radio.
Yeah, well it's important, you know, it's obviously you can't, there's nothing to look at, no face to express, so you've got to use the voice as a, I mean you know this Adam already as an experienced actor, you've got to use the voice as a tool in radio very particularly, but I don't know, maybe sometimes it gets a little bit much on the archers.
There's a little bit too much sign.
I wondered what would happen.
For instance, if I took an episode of The Archers and removed everything but the sign, I wondered what that would sound like.
So I'd done it.
You've done it.
Let's have a listen.
Yeah, this is what it sounds like.
Thanks.
Anyway.
Tom!
I'm dead.
Ready?
Now you see it's not bad, is it?
No, it sounds good, man.
Because you've got ups and downs, peaks and troughs in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, it starts off quite fruity there.
Well, it sounds like quite a dirty evening in Cambridge, doesn't it?
Cambridge, what's it called?
Cambridge, right?
Yeah.
Cambridge.
It's like Cambridge.
Yeah, Cambridge.
Yeah, no, that was nice.
It starts off very, very saucy and then gets a little bit tiring and then
Yeah, and then, ah, Tom.
Annoying.
Yeah, and then it sort of kicks off again.
Yeah.
But are you good at sighing there?
Could you do that sort of sighing?
What if just come in the door and say, you've come home from a busy day's work and you're just calling into the house to see if anyone else is there?
Go.
Hello!
That's good you see.
What about if the inspector has come to inspect the drainage systems on the farm and he's laid down a lot of new EU rules on how you're going to have to put the drainage down and you're telling your husband about all the new EU rules?
Well there's a lot of new EU rules about the drainage.
That's good.
You really, you really did that one.
I mean, I exhaled as much as I could.
What about just, you've had a hard day and you've just had a sip of tea and you've put the tea cup down and this is a side that just expresses all the ennui in your life, you know.
Okay, putting that, I'm gonna sip the tea first, right?
Just to warn you, there'll be a sound effect for that.
No, no, that was terrible.
Too much.
Yeah, that sounded like a horse doing a poo.
You said everything, you said put everything in there.
Yeah, but it came out as an incontinent foal, horse, stallion.
I don't think anyone in Aimbridge would sip tea like that.
Well, I'm doing it.
I'm exaggerating.
You're not a very good supportive director, I must say.
Man, I can see you in one of the underworld films, yes.
But not in the archers.
You're too big.
Too big?
I think we need an actor or an actress from the archers.
I can do subtle.
I can teach you about sign.
That's good, you see.
That's better, isn't it?
I mean, the drinking was still too much, but... Yeah.
Anyway, there we go.
That was a little glimpse into the secret world of the archers for you listeners.
Music time?
What about some joy division?
This is Love Will Tear Us Apart.
You'll never turn apart again Why is it that you're so broke?
Turn away at night
Oh
One more time again One more time again One more time again
We were talking the other day about songs that you kind of customise so that you can sing them as part of your everyday routine.
This all started with someone saying that they sung, lock the taskbar, lock the taskbar.
Only somebody emailed us in annoyed that we said it in a kind of posh voice and elongated the A.
Oh, yeah.
Because of course, it could be taskbar.
Yeah, lock the taskbar.
If you're from a different area of Britain.
Well, that's how I'm quite angry in a in a class orientated way.
Really?
By email.
Yeah.
People do that, don't they?
Said we were too posh to execute that joke properly.
Tough luck, buster.
Yeah.
Socialist worker.
Yeah.
Well, we've got a couple more here.
Some good ones have come in.
Actually, this one is from Steve, aka Stephen, exclamation Mark Curran, the man at the very epicentre of the Stephen phenomenon.
He's one of the founding stones of the show.
He is the Rosetta Stone of this programme.
Steve Curran says, when my flatmate and I are drinking red wine, we sometimes open the bottle a little beforehand to let it breathe.
It improves the taste, of course.
When we do this, we like to sing,
Let it breathe, let it breathe, let it breathe, let it breathe.
To the tune of Let It Be by The Beakers.
That's good.
Yeah?
That's a posh one as well, I like that one.
Let it breathe.
They can hold hands and sing that one as well.
Yeah, everyone could sing in unison.
Well, that is so bourgeois, isn't it?
While they're waiting for their wine to breathe a little bit, I love that.
Here's one from Graham.
He says I used to have a pair of blue boxes with pictures of wolves on them given to me by my mum.
Mum gives the best pants, don't they?
I love his mum.
I mean, they always give good pants.
Mums have just got a really good sense of pants.
They really do.
They're born with it.
Yeah, it's true, isn't it?
Yeah.
Mums and p- they know their pants.
A woman?
Which I became very attached to, my wolf pants, says Graham.
When donning them over the morning, I used to sing to the tune of Mr. Sandman.
Mr. Wolf Pants?
Show me your pants.
Bong, bong, bong, bong.
Make them a nice pair of blue shiny scants.
Yeah, not sure what to say.
Nothing.
Mr. Wolfpens.
Oh, show me your pants.
Bong, bong, bong, bong.
Mr Wolf Pants.
That's good Graham.
He says it used to amuse me no end and may actually have led to the early demise of some of my relationships.
Worth it though I think and I miss them dearly.
Is sad when a favourite pair of pants is no longer usable.
Do you think he sung that when he was with a lady and maybe they were reaching an intimate moment in their relationship and he was dropping his drawbridges and the wolf pants?
Do you think he would sing that at that moment?
A Mr. Wolf Pants?
Would that get a lady going?
Would things continue as planned?
You don't see that in many films, do you?
Imagine though.
Show me your pants.
Make them a nice pair of blue shiny scans.
Please turn on your magic beam.
I just finished that bit for him.
Um, I think that's, that would be a sexy scene in a film.
Can you imagine though, if you met a girl and without prompting, she sang to you that song, you know?
So you drop your trousers and she sees your wolf pants for the first time.
And she just starts spontaneously singing.
Mr. Wolf pants.
A slightly sexy, breathy voice.
She's really excited.
That's far fetched, man.
That's really far fetched.
Yeah, but you would know that you found the one.
Yeah, if that happened, you should just live on a desert island on your own, the two of you, forever.
Your wolf pats would just explode off you with excitement at that point.
Yeah.
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back She hid around corners and she hid under
And from it she fled With every bubble she sank with a drink And washed it away down the kitchen sink The dog days are over The dog days are done The horses are coming so you better
I'm so sorry.
and f-
Here's the bells for the jingles Who need the jingle bells I am Michael Caine He's walking there I'm afraid I don't know I see the thousand jumping from the windows This panic and I hear somebody
I'm trying very hard to keep my fingers clean I can't remember tell me what's his name My name is Michael Caine
And all I wanted was a word Of all to grant to keep And all I wanted was a word Of all to grant to keep This sound is laughing, it's another broken morning I see your shadow and call out to try and warn him He didn't seem to hear, just turn away
Quiet, no fellow follows, points his finger straight at you.
You have to say everybody sits right, yes, throw it all away.
And all I wanted was a word Of all to grant to keep And all I wanted was a word Of all to grant to keep His face I remember him once, round and round and so There is no place we can't ever call his own This seems to jump at the sound of the phone
Staring at the window, there's nothing we can ever do All he wanted was to remember You said you could remember his own name My name is Michael King And all I wanted was a word A phone to grab to hear And all I wanted was a word A phone to grab to hear
And all I wanted was a word I fought to grab And all I wanted was a word I fought to grab to keep And all I wanted was a word I fought to grab
Now, we had a few messages from people who had heard my voice on the Philippe Stark sort of, what would you call it?
It's not really a documentary, is it?
No, I don't think it is a documentary.
It's one of those kind of eliminations, reality series.
It's like a reality elimination thing, a little bit like the apprentice.
It's a design apprentice, the apprentice for contemporary design.
And it's on BBC, is it on Tuesday evenings?
I don't know.
Sometime around.
It's a prime time proposition, though.
It's like a nine o'clock thing.
And he's a ridiculous over-the-top French design figure.
He's also quite brilliant in the industry.
You reckon he's brilliant, do you?
Well, he's very, yeah, he is, because he's completely distinct and you can tell a Philip Stark thing.
Can you?
What's his most famous design?
The Philip Stark golf ball, of course.
Is that true?
Yes, it is the triangle.
Well, someone suggested the other day that I replace or fool around with the VO, because I do the voice-over, right?
You do the voice-over, yeah, and it is disconcerting for... I mean, I sat down and watched it the first week it was on, and I realized it had your voice in it.
I tried to do a serious one as well.
Yeah, but it's hard not for it to be a bit funny, even when you try and do your serious voice.
I was directed to be serious.
Yeah, directed.
But it's odd, and especially when we know that you do quite an outrageously peculiar French accent yourself, it does not sound dissimilar to Starks' outrageously peculiar French accent.
Well, with that in mind, I've slightly retooled the first minute or so of the programme.
Good one.
World-renowned designer Philippe Starck has set out to find Britain's best young creative talent.
Great design is all about the unexpected idea, like a bed made out of glass or a glass made out of glass and a bed.
From hundreds of online applicants, he chose 12 to join his school of design in Paris.
Bonjour, les ugly, pouvou la la.
Now he's putting them through their paces to find the best of the best.
I use the best of the best.
Yes.
OK, you stay.
Thank you.
One up-and-coming designer who's worthy of a place at his own agency.
I am crazy.
OK, I say what I think, because I'm a genius.
Look at my nipples.
Woo-hoo.
So far, he has challenged them to rethink everything they know.
OK, you know, mugs?
Mugs?
OK, for drinking the coffee, the tea?
Rethink instead used a smashed hat of a tramp.
He has praised their high moments, and slammed their low ones.
And when students fail to meet his exacting standards,
A return journey through the channel tunnel beckons.
I want you to go out through the channel tunnel now like a big fart because that's what you are to me, a massive great fart of a person.
Go, go away, get out of my sight, out of it now and take your lonely chair with you.
That's a better program.
Yeah, come on.
It's a much better program.
You know what I'd also like to hear is, is the voiceover done in that voice as well?
One of the whole things.
Waterfalls.
Just insane.
Frenchorama.
And have instead of British students insane French students as well.
Yeah.
That was excellent.
Thanks.
Thanks for doing that.
We need some music to recover now.
I tried to, now I'm running out of lives It's the clear view when all your eyes get paid
All the contradictions get me everything I want I'll let you know but I think it's gonna take a while It's a clear view, no one's waiting at the door A million letters, they couldn't make me change my mind
Falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling Now you want it to be sitting by the waterfront I should be drifting far enough to reach the shore
I know that I could live without it I think I'd better run, run, run, run
You just gotta play the game, you gotta do it I think you better run, run Outside there's a box car waiting Outside the fan, let's do it
I know the dirt it hangs Out by the box caught with him Take me way to nowhere to lay
Big shake on the box coming Big shake to the land that's falling down It's a wind makes a pond stop blowing A big, big shake
Wait
Adam and Joe on 6 Music.
Nothing for me Looking for the right trace You know you're wasting your time
You're no friend of mine You plan your conversation To press the college bar Just talking about your mother And that is jack you all When you're political teacher And sacred college scum You spent on the world situation But just for a long time
You know you're wasting your time
Are you wasting your time?
Working for the matrix You know that I'm mine Just working at your leisure To learn the things you don't need The promises you make tomorrow
You know you
That was the specials with Rat Race.
Very nice to hear that.
Don't know if you saw the specials playing on Jules Holland the other day, Joe.
I did, yes.
I mean, they performed very well.
They're still sounding fantastic.
But Terry Hall didn't look as if he wanted to be there in the sly test.
Or do you think that that's just his shtick?
I think he's always, you know, he's never been a sort of enthusiastic performer.
That's part of his skill and his mood, isn't it?
Right, he's got a kind of lugubrious demeanor.
Yeah, that was always the sort of duality, if I may be so pretentious of their music, wasn't it?
It's getting me hot.
You know, they sung about slightly depressing things.
But in a sort of cheerful, scar-y way.
Upbeat way, yeah.
But then with sort of gloomy, moody bass lines and stuff.
I wanted to reach in and give him a little tickle and a hug.
How would he have responded?
I slack me away.
I don't know.
It's hard to tell.
I think he would have liked it.
I've met him once and he was very nice indeed.
Well, there's no question that he's a nice fella.
But as far as your performing persona goes, you know what I mean?
But it's good.
There's room for all kinds of moods, shades, colours.
Who is there?
You know, yeah.
On the spectrum.
On the pop spectrum.
Yeah, absolutely true.
Anyway, I was very happy to see them back again.
They sounded great.
And I tell you what I worry about on later... What do you worry about?
...is Jules' presentational style.
It's for characters.
Oh, I'm about to say...
It's becoming incomprehensible.
It's a brilliant band.
It's a fantastic noise.
That's all right.
All the key facts are there, the salient points.
Brilliant band, exciting Jack Pinatae.
He just seemed a bit drunk on that one.
He gets a little bit drunk.
No, he's too professional.
He's just, that's his thing, man.
He's not drunk.
Yeah, definitely.
He's definitely not drunk.
He might have a little flute of champagne at the Hootenanny.
Yeah.
But the rest of the time, definitely.
I think every day's a Hootenanny.
For Jules.
Wake up.
It's a rare 24-7 Hootenanny.
Bit of boogie woogie.
Hootenanny.
Again, alright.
Ladies and gentlemen,
We're gonna have some breakfast, this is the British Wonderful Baking Eggs.
This is the cookie, over here's the cooker.
It's brilliant, it's over here, you also have the toaster.
As you know, it is based on the garden, these wonderful flowers from the garden.
That's him in his kitchen.
Yeah.
I want to be there.
This is my wife.
My children's getting in the car.
I'm bringing the car round my blossom car.
I love it in Jules's world.
It's brilliant.
That's how he conducts his daily life.
Every week.
We should get him to do some links for the show, shouldn't we?
Yeah, he's definitely going to now, isn't he?
Definitely.
He's on his way, right now.
In his little Fiat Punto.
You know what?
I think we should do the top of our and then get into Texanation after a bit more music from New Order.
How about that?
I miss the school lights and the kids
On this occasion it's not true Look at me, I love you I would like a place I could call my phone Have a conversation on the telephone
all the time
Just wait until tomorrow I guess that's what they wanna say Just be free
I went on holiday to Spain and me and my lady partner, we booked a couple of nights in a very posh spa hotel.
We thought we'd go posh at the beginning and then go a bit cheaper for the main body of the holiday.
That's strange.
I would do it the other way around.
Well, we ended up spending the whole holiday in the spa.
Yeah, because we didn't like the other place.
Anyway, so when we first got there, we decided to book ourselves some treatment.
Have you ever had that kind of thing?
Yes, I have.
Have you been to a spa and had a treatment?
Yes, on my honeymoon.
Have you had a massage?
Yeah, and it really takes it out of thing.
Have you had an elaborate massage?
Certainly I have.
Like, you know, exotic orange aromas of the Himalayas.
Have the whole thing.
I mean, it was everything but sensual.
you know what I'm saying?
avoidable sexy free song.
Was your lady partner having the massage at the same time in the same room?
She had hers before, but in a different room, right?
In the same room.
In the same room, but you weren't there.
There was only one massage.
It's very boutique, this place, Adam.
It's one massage room.
It was cleaned between massages.
Anyway, I thought after this massage, I'm going to be so relaxed, I'll be unable to walk.
But weirdly, the massage made me very tense for the following reasons.
Reason one was the erotic nature of the massage, and I knew I was going to expose my naked body to this woman.
Oh, totally naked.
Well, it wasn't naked, but so I go into this little room, and the following sort of music is playing in the background.
This isn't the real music, but I've attempted to recreate the sort of music in the massage room.
Nice and new-agey.
Thank you.
Can you hear the Amazonian... Sure the birds.
Oh, this chanting.
Yeah, that was what was going on.
Was that you chanting there?
Well, that's me, but I'm just trying to capture the act like this.
I love music.
I genuinely do.
So I go into this room.
This music's playing this very lovely woman with black curly hair, all wearing sort of floppy black clothing.
She's got limited English.
She says, hello, sit.
Please take off clothes.
I go, okay, so I take off my clothes modestly, and she exits for that.
Not all clothes!
But she leaves me a tiny, tiny plastic bag.
Very small, what one might call a dime bag.
Right.
With some sort of article of clothing in it.
So she leaves the room, I unwrap the article of clothing, and it's the smallest little paper thong you've ever set your eyes upon.
A thong!
so I slip on this tiny thong completely naked now with a little piece of string going between my butox and a tiny little bag for my bits and bobbins at the front and I put this thing on and I feel very exposed I think I can't the woman can't come back into the room and see me like this
So I wrap a towel around myself.
She comes back in.
She says, take off the towel.
I take off the towel.
Reveal my tiny little man packet.
That's not in a state of interest.
You might have to loop the massage music chains.
So I'm feeling a bit compromised because of that.
She starts giggling.
She's repressed to smile.
And I lay on the bed and my massage involved being covered in oils and then rubbed with salt.
And then, yeah, it was like a chicken being prepared.
Wow.
And then she put some sort of herbal sauce on me.
Coriander.
And she was being very invasive.
Well, not that, she'd been very un-invasive with the thumbs, but they did get very, very close to certain areas.
To special places.
And it was oily.
So if she'd slipped, that thumb would have gone right up.
Yeah.
I mean, it was within seconds of happening.
Well, she's a professional, so she's not gonna let that happen.
Does that sort of thing happen to you?
Not on a regular basis.
It's never, no.
But it did, I mean, I know what you mean, the massage I had.
I mean, it was extreme.
It's an injury away from danger, at all points.
But listen, how did you feel afterwards?
Well, let me just get to a moment in the middle.
I was lying on this bed, I was lying on a sheet of plastic covered in oil and salt and herbs.
And then she wraps me up in this plastic because that's part of the, you know, treatment.
She props you in the oven and she says, I leave for 10 minutes.
You lie, relax.
So I left, she left the room and I was lying there wrapped in plastic covered in all these things, listening to the massage music.
Who's paid up the massage music for a bit to try and recreate that moment?
And for about a minute I felt really relaxed.
Yeah.
But then I started to feel like an idiot.
Like this was the stupidest thing to be doing.
Lying wrapped in plastic in a tiny little room completely on my own listening to like insane... Good music, I like music.
Good music.
It's a good Amazonian chanting.
Sure it is.
That's the end of the story.
She came back in, I unpeeled my plastic, I had a shower, washed it all off, and I sort of felt weirder and more tense than I did when I went in.
Yeah, did you, did you, because the thing that can happen with a massage, like a really amazing massage, is that afterwards you feel totally drained, and it brings like a lot of toxins out of you, I don't know what exactly it does to you, but you feel much worse than you did before you went in, like for a day.
Tell you the other things she did.
She massaged my face, and I didn't know what
expression to have on my face.
Do you know what I mean?
Because my eyes are closed and hers are open.
I wanted her to think I was really relaxed.
So I tried to look as relaxed as possible.
Then she starts massaging my face in such a way that it opens my mouth.
Like that!
So I'm making silly little noises.
What?
He's massaging my face!
Anyway, this whole very serious ritual, to me, was just like a comic assault course.
That's the other thing that can happen, is you can get the giggles after Garth was telling me about when he got a massage.
He just started laughing hysterically, and he couldn't stop.
Like, every single touch he was just howling with laughter.
and they weren't able to administer the proper massage in the end because he was incapacitated by chuckles.
I got hurt.
It hurt me quite badly as well.
Yeah.
Her thumbs were really causing me pain.
I didn't want to say anything because I thought it would be unmanly.
It was unmanly for you to go and get the massage in the first place.
In the first place, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was.
It was expensive as well.
I bet.
That was nice, I was relaxing just hearing the story and hearing the music.
Thanks.
Yeah, we might put my massage music up on the blog as well, and then if you want to do an erotic massage with your partner, you will have some inauthentic Amazonian rainforest trance.
Send us the video.
Do you mind if I just do a little massage on you during this next song?
Not at all.
Passion pit.
Can you do the balls?
Of your feet.
Yes, certainly.
I wish for the same of things That turned me inside out
I'm prying from my scars Nowhere to see I wish for you Feels the way I told you I'd always be with you Never have I ever been Clutching at your hand To cure you absent still But that's the kind of state I'm in
Swimming in a pool of garbage
I cried, I cried, you did me in the dark I felt a heart, I heard it from a cry, you got my spot And that's why I didn't want to be so princely, I wish we all could be used away
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email, is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
These are some responses to Text the Nation which is all about interviews or auditions and awful experiences you've had therein.
This is from Simon in Wimbledon.
I had an interview for an engineering firm last year.
Partway through my phone rang but luckily it was on silent and only vibrating.
I tried shifting my leg to move the phone deeper into my pocket to reduce the sound of the buzzing but in doing so answered the phone.
It was my mother, and I also put it on speakerphone accidentally.
What a loony!
All so, all with my dexterous right thigh.
Hello!
Simon, are you there?
It's Mummy!
said the voice.
Needless to say, the rejection letter I received three days later was very polite.
Well, you don't want to work for a firm that's going to reject you on the basis of a mummy corp.
I know.
You would be hired instantly by the Adam and Jo Corp.
Absolutely.
Just for you still using the word mummy.
You'd be right in there.
Yeah, you'd be made MD.
Like, that's one of our application criteria.
Exactly.
Do you call your parents mum and dad or mummy and daddy?
And they'll get all confused and they'll think, oh, I don't know.
That's the right answer.
Mum and dad probably is the coolest thing.
Mum and dad.
Thank you very much for coming in.
Get out!
Here's another one from Mariel.
She says, at the end of an interview which I thought had gone well, the interviewer got up to say goodbye.
He stood uncomfortably close to me.
So I thought, oh, he's going to kiss me.
What?
OK, just go with it.
Don't be uptight.
It's all very media.
So I kissed him.
Only to look down to see his outstretched hand waiting to shake mine.
Do I kiss that too?
It still makes me cringe three years on.
Well done, Mario.
Again, you would have got the job at the big British castle instantly.
We've got more than you bargained for, probably.
At that very interview.
Hello.
Hey, you're our kind of girl.
Now, you're not the kind of person who causes trouble, are you?
That's our rigorous interview procedure.
Here's one from an anonymous texter.
I'm a casting director and have had many difficult audition times.
One particularly awkward audition I recall was when I was working with a very well-known director who asked an actor the typical question, so what have you done recently?
To which the actor replied, no, you first.
Needless to say, he didn't get the job.
That's great.
You might as well, if you kind of sense you're not going to get the job, you might as well... Because then you get a reputation.
Because the reason these casting directors are so eccentric and difficult is they're not many of them and they're enormously powerful.
There's four or five really famous casting directors in London who American studios hire to see actors, and they're megalomaniacs.
I mean, I'm never going to beget an acting job now that I've said that.
They've got maybe a distorted sense of power, possibly,
Yeah.
I'm sure some of them are very nice and lovely.
Some of them are lovely.
They are.
They're brilliant.
They're brilliant people.
Well, the guy I had yesterday was amazing.
He was amazing.
He was nice.
But no, sometimes they're brutal.
I mean, you hear all sorts of stories.
There's an actor friend I had the other day who was... That came out wrong.
There's an actor friend I know.
I didn't have them.
And they were telling a story about doing an audition where the casting director was just flicking through like a copy of Heat.
Really?
Yeah.
and that's a cattle call you know that's no good here's another one from Kate who says an interviewer asked me when you were a child what did you want to be when you grew up i truthfully answered a fairy she looked appalled so i hastily corrected well queen of the fairies she looked so shocked that i started giggling and couldn't stop i didn't get the job an executive fairy
in charge of a large department of a fairy task force.
Here's one from Tamzin.
Aggregating fairy power.
I had a fit of giggles in my first job interview many years ago, when the interviewer asked me if I saw myself having a quote, big job in the future.
Oh dear.
Lindsay Norwich, who supplies her age, 31.
When I was 18, I went to an interview for the role of campsite person.
I was asked what my worst characteristic was, to which I replied, sometimes I get a bit angry.
I've never worked on a campsite.
These are very good.
It's the understatement that really sells that, isn't it?
The snow's coming down I'm watching it fall
Baby, please come home With church bells in town There'll rain a song But a happy sound Baby, please come home They're singing deck the halls But it's not like Christmas at all
Pretty lights on the tree I'm watching them shine You should be here with me here Baby, please come home
But it's not like Christmas at all I remember when you were here And all the fun we had last year When there was a ride I'd hold back these tears
babies.