There'll be some music and some random talking in between And then eventually the whole thing will just end Black Squadron!
Always catch the beginning of the show Black Squadron don't want to miss a thing That's not the way Black Squadron runs
Went to bed at a reasonable hour.
Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning.
That's the secret of the Squadron's power.
Good morning Squadron, stand to attention.
You're being addressed by Camp Commander Doctor Buckles.
And Commander Cornballs.
I just added the... Camp Commander.
Camp Commander.
Yeah, I'm like a kind of effeminate commander.
We're going in at the deep end, straight in with Black Squadron at the top of the show.
Yeah, I think it's good, you know, keep them on their toes.
Go hardcore.
Exactly.
They know what to do, right, Black Squadron?
Yes, Squadron, you have to listen to Commander Cornball's command for you, and then take a photograph of yourself enacting that command, and then send it in to the following email address.
adamandjoe.6musicatpbc.co.uk
And what do people do if they don't want to take part in the command and have opted out of black squadrons since they don't believe in squadrons?
There's no volition here.
Like pacifists, people who are maybe part of a ponstron.
It's like conscription, you have to do it.
Do you?
Yeah.
Flipping hectic.
What would happen if you refused to be conscripted when conscription was around the place?
You'd be arrested, would you?
You'd be arrested and thrown in prize on?
Really?
Into prize on, yes.
Unless you had a jolly good reason for not wanting to be conscripted.
What would be a jolly good reason?
Well, in them days, if you were a homosexualist.
Really?
Or if you were mentally unstable.
Right.
Which is, which is, er, fairly, both things are fairly common.
Well, exactly.
Exactly.
I mean, both of those I would have gone for immediately in them days.
Yes.
Yeah, let's not get into that.
Anyway, yeah, the email address adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.
Here's the command, and we're being ruthless here.
I rested the command on my electronic keyboard.
Joe's going to be freestyling right the way through the show this week.
Do a little freestyle jingle, fingers cornish.
There you go.
That's a taste of things to come.
A frightening taste of things to come.
Here is the Black Squadron command.
Stand by.
This week's command is fake facial hair.
It's beer.
With Venus as a boy.
That's featured in the film Leon, right?
Leon the pig farmer.
Yeah, Leon the pig farmer.
Big West End stage production now of that.
That's a confusing link.
It is, isn't it?
Even I was confused by it.
What are you talking about?
Leon's sequiturs.
Leon the film about the assassin man, you mean?
Yes, starring Natalie Portable Man.
And then you segued into Leon the pig farmer of the 80s?
British Brit film comedy?
yeah there we go yeah which is now on stage is it really yeah so there we go oh no no a private function i'm thinking about another pig-based thing big bass it's a triple segue hey listen this is adam and joe here on bbc6 music uh happy saturday morning thanks for listening and thank you especially to the black squadron members who we pushed in at the deep end this morning straight in there with a powerful commander disguise based command it's very important as a squadron member
that you're able to protect your identity very quickly.
For instance, if you've done a killing and you need to blend into the crowd, then you need to get some facial hair going quickly.
Like the assassin man, Carlos the Jackal.
Exactly.
And you need to be able to do it very quickly from whatever condiments or accoutrements you find within arm's reach.
So, you know, we hope you've reacted quickly to this command back to Boston, and many of you have.
You're, um, right.
Do you think any of Black Squadron have done a killing?
Well, their future orders might involve... Killing people?
Not necessarily people.
Is that a fun Saturday morning thing?
I can't believe you said that.
They're a squadron.
What do squadrons do?
Why do they always kill people?
I'm not saying it's morally right, but sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do.
But they're a squadron for a radio program.
Yeah, but it's... It's not a game.
Is it?
No?
I mean, listen, we established last week in the podcast that they are not a ponstron.
I don't think the Black Squadron would be interested in being in Black Squadron if it wasn't a pretty hardcore arrangement.
So you think it's like being in the army?
Like, you can go in the army and you can learn all kinds of important skills.
It's harder than being in the army.
It's tougher.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you have to be prepared to kill.
Yes!
Yes What do you think's going on in the world?
Yeah, I don't know.
I didn't realize anyway Thank you for all your entries black squadron some brilliant responses.
We'll be being specific about that in a moment Mm-hmm
Play another jingle on your guitar.
On your guitar?
It's not a guitar.
What is it then?
I can't really play anything on my... Listen, I'll work on something for later in the show, some live jingles.
And talking of fake facial hair, we had the most wonderful photo in from a chap called Phil Graham, who has put this incredible hat on his child.
Can you describe that, Adam?
It is a woolen beanie hat that also has a beard attachment.
So the top of the beanie, you know, the hat part is white and cream coloured, but then there's a little woolen beardy part that comes down.
A knitted beard?
Yeah.
and it fits beautifully over the child's face.
It's like a sort of giant chin strap that goes all the way up the chin and all the way across the top lip, but it transforms the child into Count Buckley almost instantaneously.
Yeah, he looks like Captain Birdseye.
Fantastic thing.
I wonder whether that's homemade or whether it's commercially available.
Is that on our blog, James?
We're going to put it on our blog.
We might not be able to tell you precisely what the provenance of the hat is for BBC reasons.
We'll put an image of it.
Anyway, thank you very much, Phil Graham.
That was wonderful.
We got a nice message this week.
It said, I was so excited when I heard that you guys were returning to our precious radio.
This is the only radio show that I actually have a genuine interest in.
It's hard to find one that's interesting but uncheesy at the same time.
Never leave us again.
Love, Amber, 12, in Amell Hempstead.
Got very good taste.
Yeah, that's excellent.
For a 12-year-old, I thought that was very mature, intelligently written email.
and there's a smiley at the end.
Oh dear.
Oh.
Well the smiley's more the sort of thing a 12 year old would write.
Well it's nice but incidentally you know thanks for all your messages that come in to us during the week and what's the automatic reply that they get?
It's something like you know we get a huge volume of emails.
Well that's new isn't it?
We can't reply to everyone.
I was thinking that during the week because when I was a kid and I wrote into Blue Peter.
Yeah.
I got a similar letter and I remember
how heartbroken I was.
Yes, it's a bit impersonal, isn't it?
That the Blue Peter presenters weren't reading the letters personally.
And it was the first thing in the world that told me that, you know, it wasn't necessarily a one to one direct relationship with the Blue Peter team.
But that's an automated reply that is fired out.
We want to assure you that both Joe and myself do read every single message that we get and appreciate every single one of them.
That's true, isn't it?
Yeah, it is true.
I mean, it really is.
We spend more... Exactly.
We just plow through them.
Right, now I've got a free play for you, listeners.
And me and Joe are allowed to bring in three songs a week that we're gonna force on you.
we don't have to okay them with a big British castle as long as they're not really racist and full of swearing then it's absolutely fine.
So I'm going to play I would say quite a weird song right now by the band Deer Hoof and this features the vocal stylings of Satomi Matsuzaki.
Now have you played Deer Hoof before on the show?
Yeah, a couple of years back.
And I really like Dear Hoof.
I mean, they're a ridiculous sounding band.
I've tried to hoist them on a few friends of mine without that much luck.
Says on Wikipedia about Satomi, the vocalist, although she had no musical experience, Dear Hoof founder members Rob Fisk and Greg Saunier agreed that Satomi's impressive, sorry, inexpressive singing style added an element of humor and playfulness that had been lacking in Dear Hoof's sound.
Anyway, see what you think.
This is called Green Cosmos from 2005.
Yeah, I mean it's no, uh, just can't get enough though, is it?
That's Depeche Mode with John the Revelator.
You can't really say things like that to Depeche Mode fans because they get very very touching.
Very defensive.
Yeah, they are the most loyal group of fans in the world.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.
Do you think if you had a big ruck, like instead of the Olympics, you had some sort of competition in which fans of bands were pitched against each other in physical and sporting challenges?
I wouldn't like to go up against the moders.
Really?
Yeah.
You think they'd be kings of the... They do call themselves something.
Is it moders or they call themselves something special?
If you're a moder or a modulist or a... The moderators.
The moderators.
They dress up in... Let us know what you're called.
Yeah, in uniforms and moderate things.
And they all talk like this.
Actually, that's the pneumonoids.
No, the pneumonoids talk like that.
I don't know.
The pneumonoids, I wouldn't be frightened of the pneumonoids.
I'd be frightened of the modulers.
They're getting on a bit, the pneumonoids.
The AHA fans are quite militant.
You've experienced their militancy.
I very, very foolishly chose to take issue with AHA
the three members of AHA touring independently, but together under the same bill.
If this event did happen, this big fight between all of the fans to see who was the best, probably one of the younger bands with teeny bop fans would win, like Justin Bieber.
Yes.
Because the sheer weight of numbers and just the insanity of teenagers, young teenagers of that age, they would be like insane ants crawling all over you, you know?
They'd easily overpower the moderators.
They're a very frightening force for little teenage girls.
Aren't they?
Sure.
I mean, they're flighty.
They might not be present six months later.
They evaporate and dissipate.
They'll move on to the next sexy little man.
But when they're present, they're terrifying.
Move on to the next sexy little man.
The next one that comes along.
They're gonna have to wait a while before they find another sexy little man like Bieber though, aren't they?
Well, yeah, he's one in the millions.
He's one of the sexiest little men around.
So listen, Black Squadron, well done.
Have we stood them down yet?
Not yet.
Stand by to be stood down.
They've got a few more minutes, I think, to get their photos in.
An extraordinary response.
Let's describe some of the fake facial hair photos you have there, Dr. Cornish.
Well... Marla Cornish, sorry, I'm Dr. Barnes.
Please.
There's a chap called Edward Iles.
The printer doesn't distinguish between an L and an I. It's just a vertical line.
And he's done the most brilliant thing, which is he's put some sort of a shoelace around the top of his head.
And then he's hooked onto the shoelace a coat hanger.
A big black plastic coat hanger.
So that it hangs immediately beneath his nose.
One of those big wide ones that you're supposed to use on nice jackets.
Thus giving him an enormous Thompson Twins style moustache.
Well he looks like a kind of crazy Freddie Mercury there, doesn't he?
He's got the...
But that's very practical.
I mean, he did that fast.
Very nice.
And it's very effective.
Well done.
Another one we like a lot came in from Claire, Ben, Mark, Tash and Joe.
Do you want to describe that?
Well, they look like an indie band.
They're all sat there expressionless with their hands on their knees.
Let's see, Claire has tied some, what is it, pasta to her chin?
Like strands of pasta and Tash has tied her long hair round her face, round the bottom of her face there.
One of the other ladies, I'm not sure who is who, Joe, has got a waffle.
What's the general mood of the photo?
It's an interesting mood.
Yeah, it's absolutely serious.
And there's five of them in a row, shoulder to shoulder, all with their hands on a table or their laps.
On their knees.
Yeah.
One of the chaps has got a ball of wool hung off his face.
Yeah, I mean, it could be the cover of a brilliant indie album, or it could just be five members of an elite fighting force getting ready to go out.
And as we've established, you're already in the zoo.
That's my new way of speaking.
I like it.
They are getting ready to go out and kill.
With waffles tied to their chins.
What are they going to do?
Like smother you with a waffle and then stab you with the pasta?
They might just be killing invasive insects.
Right.
Household pests.
Well that's still killing.
Don't get too excited about the killing.
You've got to differentiate.
You didn't say that before did you?
I mean you're angry about it but you're also excited by it.
Obviously, everyone.
Dan from London was in the bath at the moment when the Black Squadron command was issued, so he's gone for a classic foamy beard.
Very nice foamy beard.
And he's got a very noble face, don't you think?
Yeah.
I mean, he's a leader of men.
He looks like a Roman centurion legion commander.
When the bubbles in that beard pop, don't try leading nothing, because it's going to be over.
But while the beard's on, that's amazing.
Amazingly commanding.
He looks like a young Santa.
He does.
A beautiful young Santa in his early 20s.
Before he developed that gut.
What a time that was.
When there were only a few presents in his sack.
Finally, Matthew and Kirsten.
I think only Matthew is in the photo.
He's already got facial hair.
He's already got a beard.
So what do you do in a situation like that?
Hang things on it.
Absolutely.
Clothes pegs.
Multiple clothes pegs.
attached to the beard dangling off Matthew's face that he's a leader of men as well like if he stood up in a crowd you'd do what that guy said wouldn't you look with those pegs yeah hanging off that beard he looks a little unsure also there's what's he done on his fridge there he's got a giant smiley face made out of magnets on his fridge there it's not about the fridge i'm just looking for the details
So congratulations Black Squadron and don't forget all those photos will be up on our blog and the nice thing about the command this week is we can see all your faces.
It's nice to see the faces of the listeners.
Yeah, very good looking group of Squadron members as well.
It's a sexy show with sexy listeners.
Yeah, of all different kinds, multiracial, multiethnic, that's the same thing, what?
What am I talking about?
I don't know.
You're obsessed with racism and killing.
Exactly.
I'm going to revamp my brain after the news, but first we have to stand down the squadron.
Here's the jingle.
It's 10.30, time for the news here on BBC6 Music.
Oh, dear.
That's embarrassing.
I mean, you would have thought they edited that bit out, didn't you?
You would have thought they edited that bit out.
That's a peculiar tense you said that sentence in.
You would have thought that they would have edited that bit out of it.
Yeah, that was sloppy.
Very sloppy.
That's quite an old record as well, so they've had plenty of time to fix it.
You know, if you have a big piano accident at the end of your recording session... Like, root one...
You know, basic editing.
Who are they anyway?
You cut it out, right?
That was the small faces with their tiny, ridiculous faces.
And here comes the nice.
Have you got my sandwich clips there, James?
No?
Oh, we'll have to do that later.
Well, have you given James some sandwich clips?
Yeah.
To keep his sandwiches fresh?
Yeah.
That's a good idea.
Some sandwich clips.
That's what you need.
No, we haven't.
We'll have to do them later.
It's Adam and Joel on BBC6 music.
That's what I'm saying for the moment, just to fill in.
You know, later on we're going to have some made-up jokes, because we got loads this week.
I mean, I've got now... It's getting out of hand, is what it is.
Do you think so?
A little bit, because the thing is that the quality... People still don't really understand the idea that they have to be properly made up.
So we're getting a lot of very basic puns coming in and it just increases the volume of the mail.
This is the thing, people think they've made up those basic puns.
Yeah, but listen, what's the one that pops up most often?
Mascarpone comes up a lot.
Cheese-based joke.
A lot of cheese-based puns.
A lot of Harry Potter puns.
Quidditch, you know, that kind of thing.
JK Rowling only gives her children a quidditch.
I mean this has snowballed from a kind of protoplasmic idea into a huge thing in terms of quantity of stuff we're receiving and we should really get professor Brian Cox or somebody
Can't we get Tim to help us Tim find to help us collate the joke.
Yeah.
And then we could issue some sort of national, uh, national joke status warning to basically have a moratorium on certain areas of humor.
So the nation knows that particular puns are taken care of.
They don't need to be repeated.
Yeah, exactly.
Like in denial.
Yes.
The whole, all the puns that come in about a river in Africa.
Yeah.
You can't do that anymore.
We could just nix a whole level of puns that are too common.
They're too widespread.
All right, Richard Nixon.
Hey, I'll tell you what.
Shall we have the jingle even?
Made up jokes jingle and then tease the whole feature with a couple of little jokes and then we can come back to it later on?
Wow.
A little joke tease?
Yes.
A little joke tease, mate.
All right, mate.
That'd be nice.
Here's the jingle.
I'm a funny person.
I often make up jokes.
My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party
I like that jingle because it's got an atmosphere of despondency to it.
Yeah, it's despondency in the face of hilarity.
Yeah.
Or the other way around.
Mm-hmm.
Here's a joke that I made up.
Actually it was a joint effort with Garth Jennings.
Really?
He came up with it.
Because I was thinking the jokes that I, my made up jokes that I said in the first show after we came back, I thought maybe they were so bad that I'd set the bar very low.
Trade mama from the throw.
And released some sort of, yeah, released some sort of sediment from the bottom of the tank.
Some joke stink.
Yeah.
I think that the made up jokes we've had so far in the last couple of weeks.
Or maybe there were some listeners that were like, oh, I can do better than that.
Oh, if it's like that, I could do that.
I didn't realise.
I thought it was funny jokes, but it's not.
I think that's what I did.
I lowered the bar so low that the bottom's fallen out of the barrel.
Okay, well, you might think that that's... Are you gonna raise it lower?
What?
Lower it higher?
What?
I might do a little lower raise.
Here's one that Garth and myself came up with.
Garth conceived this.
I did a tweak on it.
Wow.
Did you get together just to do this?
Yeah, we had a meeting.
Have you heard, in LA we had it, have you heard that Jonathan Ross's uncle was an East End villain who was notorious for pulling people's pants up to their ears?
He was called Wedgie Quay.
Wow.
It was very expensive to get out to LA for that meeting as well.
The problem- oh, his uncle.
His uncle.
Yeah, but so his surname isn't Ross.
But you've unified the whole thing just by doing the wee cars on the- Exactly.
On both sides.
That was my idea.
That's very good.
That was the extra layer that I added.
That was the extra layer?
What was it like without that layer?
Originally, it was just about an East End villain who pulled people's pants up to their ears.
He was called Wedgie Cray.
And then I said, hey, hey, hey, hey, we are missing a whole layer here.
I think you've ruined it.
I think it's better without the lair.
I mean it's very lazy to talk about Jonathan Ross's speech impediment, which is anyway not that pronounced.
Everyone does it.
But I thought, I'll do that too.
That's good.
Is that it?
Yes.
That's very good.
And so what was your plan for this link?
We were going to tease it with that joke and then do it properly.
Have you got one?
Not that I've made up.
There's one from a listener.
This is really good though.
And I did the Google test on this.
And it passed the Google test.
It's from Henry St Ledger, an illustrator and animator.
So already I like him.
Here's his joke.
Me and my friend John came up with this one.
Patient.
Vet, vet, my parrots are stuck together.
Vet.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
It's toucan fusing.
Toucan fusing.
It's toucan fusing.
Toucans are fusing.
That's quite good, isn't it?
Heh heh heh!
And that's, I thought, well surely that's been done before.
Yeah.
But I googled it and no.
That's brilliant.
I googled toucan fusing.
You get a heh heh heh!
Wow, that's the greatest accolade of all.
Rather than a...
Which I think Wedgie Quay got.
Alright, we'll have some more made up jokes later on in the video.
Will, we have only got one more.
You can have some of mine.
I have got them coming out of every orifice.
What's your quality control like?
They're good, they're all good!
Wedgie Quay is the worst of them.
Are you sure?
Yes, promise you.
Villagers right now, and this is that day.
I like songs that end like that.
It's a powerful out.
Where all the instrumentation drops out and it's just the guy.
Yeah.
When he plays that live it stops like that and the audience don't applaud they just think.
That's right.
For up to five minutes some of them take out pads or laptops and work on their novels for a bit.
No meaning.
And he could extend the last line for ages.
There's no meaning.
longer longer did you ever do that uh that game where you try and make sustain a noise for as long as possible i think we just did it yeah hey listen here's the thing i was watching a film during the week uh called the ghost the ghost writer you know with uh ewan mcgregor playing the guy that ghost writes the prime minister a thinly veiled tony blair rohman polanski yeah directed by polanski starring um brosnan
Chris Bromholm.
In a magnificent performance.
As Tony Blur.
But there was a weird thing about the film, they kept mentioning sandwiches.
Did they?
Yeah, did we play the first clip?
I don't, you know, I'm not sure this means anything.
And I don't, I'm just getting it off my chest really.
But it just seemed odd to me that they would mention sandwiches all the time.
Here's the first clip of sandwiches.
You have six hours before Adam gets in from New York.
Can you finish by then?
I'll try.
Our last step to bring you up a sandwich for lunch.
Thanks.
Probably innocent to spring you up a sandwich for lunch.
Fine.
Everyone likes sandwiches.
Ten minutes later, this happens.
How's it going?
Pretty well.
He keeps calling me man.
He always does that when he can't remember someone's name.
There are sandwiches in the kitchen.
And that stuck out to me.
This is weird.
What's the deal with sandwiches?
I mean, it's not as if it's set in like an airport departure lounge where there are lots of sandwiches in the immediate environment.
It's a metaphorical motif.
Is it though?
And then later in the film, you get this.
Something to eat?
What have you got?
Club sandwich time chowder.
Chad will be fine.
So he doesn't go for the sandwich but it's the third mention of sandwiches in the film.
Well I think it is deliberate.
So I was looking through the screenplay as you do and then and weirdly the first mention of sandwiches is on page 17, the second is on page 27, the third is on page 47 of the screenplay and then later in the screenplay there's a whole scene where the stage directions talk about sandwiches even though they're not actually mentioned.
This is your sandwich conspiracy theory.
You know what, this wasn't just the week, this was last year and I made a note of this and then I've come back to it and I've recorded all the mentions of sandwiches and now I'm playing them to the nation because I think this is the beginning of an amazing conspiracy theory.
Do you?
Part of the plot of the film is that hidden in the Prime Minister's memoirs is a secret code, right, that gives away some, that's the plot of the film, right, that gives away some misdeed he did.
in his highly fictional illegal war.
And I think maybe there's a similar code hidden within the film based on sandwiches.
Was there a code?
I forgot about that part of the film.
Yeah, I think so.
I was focused on Ewan McGregor's, um, accents getting around all over the place.
Yeah, there's lots of fun in that film.
Lots of fun to be... inadvertent fun to be had.
Yeah.
But what do you think about that?
My sandwich conspiracy theory?
I mean, it's literally jaw dropping.
But don't you think that maybe there's a chance that it is a metaphor?
For what?
Well, in the film, he is sandwiched between the two powerful and opposing forces of Tony Blur or the Tony Blur character and the Cherie Blur character.
Yes.
And their independent agendas.
Or it's set in a house in New England, isn't it, on the coast of... Maybe it's in Sandwich.
Right.
That's a place on the coast of America, isn't it?
I don't know.
Yeah, it is.
Anyway, I'm just throwing that out there.
That's interesting.
I wonder if people have got their own theories about conspiracy theories in other films that they've noticed, you know.
It's unusual though.
Yeah.
I mean, words are... you don't use just any old word whenever you want in a film.
If you're gonna use a word three times, it's gotta mean something.
Sure.
Like sandwich.
Yes.
Then it begins to stick out, certainly.
Listen, let's leave that there.
Ooh.
And just like that song we just played.
Yes.
With a bit of meaningful silence.
There's no meaning!
And here's a free play.
This is Talking Heads with Pulled Up.
with additional synth riffing from Fingers Cornish.
That one's easy.
does that all the way through.
Do you think metronomy would have been pleased that around about a minute in the new single was played over by Fingers Cornish on the synth?
I think they'd be very excited and happy.
Sure.
They're sure to re-release it with that in it.
On a B-side, sure, why not?
What?
That was good, I loved that song.
Patronising.
A B-side?
Yeah, alright.
Condescending.
Sorry.
Turning it off, never doing that ever again.
That's 12 inch then.
Sorry.
Yeah, I really like that first heard that last week, and I like it like way more 200% more this Wow Imagine what it's gonna be like next week.
It's gonna be off the hook.
I might be over it by then I think it's time for retro text the nation.
Let's play the jingle
I like to listen to Adam and Joan But I listen to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel acute frustration Because I couldn't join in with Text-A-Nation
But now my troubles have disappeared Because retro-texplanations here And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the bin and forgotten about
That's the anglicized version of that jingle with bin.
Mm-hmm I think the original said trash didn't it and then we got complaints that it was Americanized Yes, so we switched it to bin But then people who prefer trash got furious and in the end we made one with both in Yes, right.
Yeah, it was a big war
There was a major war.
It's full of conflict, the programme, this morning.
It's a bin trash war.
But thank you to James Richards, the pianist who played the backing track for that, did it very beautifully.
Thanks a lot, James.
Yeah, good one.
We might be sending you a little parcel soon.
Mmm.
Special signed Adam and Joe album.
Worth a lot of money.
He's waited a long time for it.
So last week on Text the Nation we were talking about birthday flip-outs and here are some of the messages that we've had during the week on the subject.
Here's one from Anouk and she says, Hello Adam and Joe.
I don't have many birthday memories as I never really celebrated them but there's one I still remember.
It was my eighth birthday and only two months before we'd moved from a big city to a tiny village.
I didn't know anyone at my new school, so my father let me invite a bunch of kids over to the cinema and McD's.
What's this voice you're doing?
This is Anouk's voice.
Okay.
Do you think Anouk is a man or a lady?
Lady man.
So this is how Anouk sounds.
I think she's a serious person.
First of all, the film I wanted to see was sold out, so we ended up seeing Richie Rich with Macaulay Culkin, who I thought was rather annoying.
Then my school friends, in inverted commas, kept talking through all of the film and threw popcorn at each other and angered the other people in the room who did want to see the film.
I felt embarrassed and left out, so I just tried to ignore them.
Then we went to Mickey D's for Happy Meals and it was the same, loud shouting, throwing food and running around.
I just ended up sitting at another table, alone, with my father, looking at these kids I clearly didn't understand and had to spend at least another four years with at school.
My dad just gave me a sympathetic look and said, oh well, we tried, we failed.
Just stay at home next year then?
I've never had a birthday party since, but that's fine with me.
Sounds like Lench Pufar.
Anouk.
Anouk might be Lench's long lost daughter.
I can sympathise with you.
What a moving story.
Yeah, it is moving though, isn't it?
She can't relate to the other kids.
Anouk's probably like a... I'd be interested to know what you do for a living, Anouk.
I bet you're some kind of nuclear physicist.
Yes, something very sophisticated.
A geneticist.
to remove from everybody else.
Or you know, just way ahead in whatever field she's currently operating in.
You know, even if she's... She's probably paid by a major conglomerate just to stay out of things.
By the government, just to keep out of things.
Because the cutting edge is too cutting.
Yeah, because she can't, she's too bright.
Right, if she works at Tesco's or whatever on the checkout,
She'd get fired because her checkouts stylings are way in advance of anything that they can handle currently.
She can do two full trolleys in under 20 seconds.
Exactly and she's scanning things with her eyes and she can feel the barcodes just with her fingertips and things like that.
Here's one from Jesse.
On my 12th birthday I had to accompany my elder sister to a sexual health clinic.
The woman at reception asked who wanted to be seen.
I said I'm 12.
My sister went in to be seen.
I didn't realise that she had told a rather loud nurse that it was my birthday and made the entire sexual health clinic waiting room sing me happy birthday and try to hug me.
Everyone thought I was a patient and looked sorry for me as I was alone.
My sister turned out to be fine, but I'm still angry.
Is that a nice way to celebrate your birthday, to have everyone in the waiting room of a sexual health clinic sing you happy birthday and try and hug you?
Yeah.
Thinking that you're a patient aged 12.
A diseased happy birthday.
Another quick one from Liz in Derby.
On my sixth birthday, my parents had built me a throne by covering a large chair in tin foil so I could sit at the head of the table amongst my friends.
But they made a fatal error of starting the happy birthday song when the lights were on.
I tried to stop them but everyone was singing by now so the only thing I could do was rip up the throne to shreds like a demon.
That's dangerous as well, isn't it?
Ripping up thrones.
No, making a big foil throne like that.
Why is that dangerous?
Because you can be struck by lightning.
Indoors?
Yes, the lightning will go through and be conducted through the throne.
But imagine ripping up your throne in a tantrum.
That's the worst tantrum of all, isn't it?
Yeah, especially after they spent all that time like constructing the game.
Yeah, well done.
It is dangerous, it's like it conducts.
I heard of someone, there was a band or something who covered themselves with tinfoil on stage and one of them nearly got fatally electrocuted.
Yeah, outdoors?
No, in a venue.
Really?
Yeah.
By a cable lying around.
Well it conducts electricity.
Exactly, that's my point.
Bad tin foil.
Here's one from Pete in Hersham in Surrey.
Hi Adam and Joe.
I went to Chessington World of Adventures on my 11th birthday with a group of friends.
We got to the front of the queue of my favourite ride, the Magic Carpet, and they had raised the minimum height threshold.
Being the shortest of my group, I had to wait by the side with my mum.
The tables have turned now though, because I can still buy children's clothes without the VAT.
I'm 25.
Nice one.
I wonder what happened for them to raise the minimum height requirement.
They saw him coming.
Quick, it's Pete!
Oh, no, you have to be a couple of inches taller, mate.
Sorry about that.
Yeah, why?
Do you think like someone nearly flew out of the thing?
Yeah.
Oh, that's no good, is it?
So he's got to think himself lucky he wasn't the last guy on before they raised the height requirement.
Oh, it's terrifying.
We went on some roller coasters recently, me and my family, and my son Frank wanted to go on, but he's only just tall enough to get on these things.
And I was so frightened he was just going to fly out.
It really wasn't that much fun at all.
It can be very scary.
Yes.
Here's one from a household that sounds insane.
Sam Wistonoff.
This came from, when I was around five or six, my parents, who disapproved of things like ice cream and jelly due to being hippies, decided that all the food at my party should be healthy, natural and brown.
So they called it the brown party.
My friends were disappointed and the party wasn't going very well.
So to liven things up, I stood on a chair and took my clothes off.
I was carried away crying.
The brown party.
That's a good party though, isn't it?
The brown party and then you've got a little nude girl being carried away crying.
Could be a boy, we don't know.
Sam Winter... You could, listeners, please give us your gender.
Yeah.
There's too many gender ambiguous names going around.
And do you want to hear a quite horrific one?
Sure!
That involves shocking animal injury.
Oh yeah, love it.
Yeah?
This is quite shocking.
Is it?
Yeah.
Well, spin it to make it sound fun.
Because it's so fun and awful.
Well, listen, maybe I'd better let James read it first.
I'm gonna let James read it first.
It is amazing, though.
Here's a very short, sad one.
Finally, Sophie Baker says, On my eighth birthday we played hide and seek and I hid behind the washing machine.
I hid so well that no one could find me and everyone went home.
That's a good story.
Wow.
I like these listeners that just sort of remove themselves from everything.
Yeah.
Hey, Retro Text the Nation will be back next week, listeners.
It's the way that you can join in with Text the Nation if you're listening to the show via the podcast or via Listen again.
So send in your entries during the week to our email address, adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.
And we'll have a delicious, fresh Text the Nation for you very soon.
A giant, fresh lump of Text the Nation coming your way.
Squeeze now, this is Take Me I'm Yours.
Squeeze.
Take me, I'm yours.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music, and we're just going to pop back to retro-textination for a little moment.
It's been cleared.
Joe cleared his horrific... Animal injury story has been cleared by producer James.
Here we go.
And this was an email from... Uh-oh.
I don't think I've put the name down.
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
We'll have to come back to this another time and say the name, but here's the email.
My brother was having his fifth birthday party at our house.
My mum had recently totally redecorated.
10 very excited boys were herring around and our Labrador Jimmy was really enjoying himself and joining in.
Little did you got to imagine Jimmy, the fun, the screaming, the excited cries of children having fun.
To cut down on the mayhem my mum put Jimmy in the garden but he howled so much she let him in again.
As he came in the back door swung shut and clipped the tip of his tail clean off.
Completely oblivious and happy to be back at the party, Jimmy ran round and round the house, wagging his tail vigorously, spraying blood all over the newly painted walls and party food, while the kids moved to the next level of hysteria.
I'm 23 now, but the story of my 15th birthday has become a legend in my family and still makes me cringe.
It's just revolting.
That's horrific.
Stumpy Jimmy.
And he was okay though.
Jimmy's fine.
Everybody involved in the story is fine.
Desplight it's... Despite it's Grand Guignol trappings.
Despite... Despite... What is it when it's saying Despite?
You can't say Despite this morning.
Hard!
You started... Yeah!
Despite.
I managed to say Grand Guignol though.
Is that how you say that?
Yeah, that sounds good to me.
Guignol.
Anyway, we'll find out who sent that in and give you a name check.
And by the way, the Sam whose story I read out earlier is a man, Sam.
Man, Sam.
Thank you for letting us know that, Sam.
You're all man.
Man, I was in the railway station earlier this week, right?
You spent most of your time in the railway station or on trains.
I absolutely love it.
Have you ever been to a railway station?
Couple of times in the past, yeah.
Yeah, they're brills.
And it was big in the railway station.
That's it.
I was standing there waiting for my train and I saw a guy on the concourse drop a two-penny piece on the floor, right?
Just fell out of his pocket.
So I looked at it and I thought, that's two-penny.
A two-penny piece?
Yeah.
They're quite rare these days, aren't they?
Are they?
Two-penny pieces?
Yeah, you don't get them around so much.
Take it from Cornballs.
He's trying to have them phased out.
Too many p's?
I'm trying to ban these!
It already sounds archaic and medieval.
A tuppeny pith.
A tuppeny bit fell from his pocket onto the concourse.
Anyway, so I saw the 2p fall on the, is that more groovy?
Yeah.
2p.
So I saw 2p fall out of his pocket on the concourse and I thought, I'm not going to tell him.
I'm not going to bother to say.
Excuse me.
You dropped your 2p because I thought he's going to look at me like, what?
Oh yeah, all right, thanks.
Because it's just 2p.
But then as I was thinking that, I was thinking, that's not the right attitude.
We're in a financial crisis.
You know, 2p, all the 2p's count up.
It's all about 2p's at the end of the day, right?
Yeah.
So I thought, yeah, I mean, what kind of attitude is that?
Just to leave the... What kind of attitude is that?
What kind of attitude is that?
Just to leave the topay on the concourse.
That's not right.
So I thought, I'm going to pick it up.
Because by that time, the guy had gone.
But then I thought, I can't pick it up, because someone might have seen me watching him drop it, and then if I pick it up, it's gonna look like I was just waiting for him to go away so I could pick up the 2P.
And steal it off him, thinking, yes, he's dropped 2P and he hasn't realised, now it will be my 2P in my pocket for sweets or whatever.
a show with a tramp.
If you were a vagrant and you came in every Saturday and told me the stories of your week, they'd be like this, coveting a tuppenny piece.
That's how I saw it on the crown.
I was thinking, well, he doesn't want it.
I'll have it.
You could equally tell the same story about a third-eaten burger in a bin.
A real vagrant wouldn't worry about what people were thinking.
You would make a good vagrant, that's the thing.
That's the thing I am.
You've got the beard.
I feel as if I have the soul of a vagrant, but then also I have superficially, you know, a superficial level of respectability and, you know, I'm integrated into society in a superficially regular way.
Like I have a family and stuff like that.
Hey, we're all vagrants in a way.
Well, exactly.
You know, nothing against the vagrant community.
No.
But what yeah, it took me.
So what happened in the end?
Did you get the tuppence piece?
I picked it up.
You picked it up.
You still got it or have you spent it?
But I had to go through a little bit of theater when I picked it up.
Like looking around for the guy.
Oh, he's gone.
Oh, sir, your tuppence bit.
I have it.
If anyone's, I tell you what, I'll go and announce it.
Ladies and gentlemen, a tuppenny bit has been found on the concourse by a short vagrant.
If you've lost it, please come and collect it.
I think it reflects well on you though.
It doesn't matter to you that it was just tuppence.
It was still the man's property and you were still guilty about thieving it.
Yeah, that reflects well on you.
Well done.
Thanks very much.
You're a tramp with a heart of gold.
Maybe if a woman kissed you, you'd turn into a log.
Not a frog, a log.
Here's Erland and the Carnival.
I've been really enjoying this album by this band.
I saw them supporting Wild Beasts.
And you know, that's sometimes the way you go along and see a band that you're really excited about and the support comes on and they're really good as well.
That happened to me when I saw Willow Smith support Justin Bieber.
Did you?
No.
Oh.
I was excited about that.
This is trouble in mind.
I like it.
That's Erland and the carnival with trouble in mind.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 music.
Last week I had the pleasure of watching a new documentary, music documentary, all about the Oxford music scene which of course in the 90s spawned bands like Radiohead and Ride, Supergrass, Tallulah Gosh, Swerve Driver.
You used to love Swerve Driver Joe didn't you?
Not as much as I love Tallulah Gosh.
Yeah.
And the documentary is called Anyone Can Play Guitar by a chap called John Spira.
And he has completed this documentary but not cleared the music yet, right?
So it's not widely available.
It's not gonna be on TV until he does that or in theaters until he does that.
And if you want, you can go and invest in this documentary at Indiegogo.com.
It's a funding site.
You know those things where you can go and invest in other people's projects?
Anyway, if you type in anyone can play guitar into Indiegogo, you can contribute to the fund for the music clearances for this excellent documentary.
But anyway, in the doc, right, you get to find out about all these bands who were in Oxford.
It was a real scene happening there.
And it was weird that, you know, you've got Radiohead coming out of there and then you've suddenly got Supergrass all within a few years.
As well as Ride, you know, and Swerve Drive were a big band as well, Tallulacosh, an immensely influential band.
But the story that really sticks out and is more or less the backbone of the whole documentary is the tragic story of the Candy Skins.
There was this band called the Candy Skins who came out of Oxford and were
you know, really quite popular and tremendous live and did fairly well.
Actually, you know, it's not totally tragic because they did pretty well compared to most bands, they did way better than your average band.
But they also had some spectacular little bits of misfortune.
Check out this litany of ups and downs of the Candy Skins.
First of all, they had to rename their band.
They were originally called Badlands, but there was another band in the US called Badlands, so they got dropped from their original deal as Badlands and renamed themselves the Candy Skins.
A legendary A&R man, Tom Zutout, he signed Guns N' Roses and Motley Crue Joe.
He dropped into one of the Candy Skins gigs and three songs in, he asks their manager how much money he wants for them.
Signs them on the spot to Geffen for a three-album deal.
good one right amazing so geffen fly them out to the usa give them the full limo treatment uh out there they're label mates and they play shows with nirvana and sonic youth big deal right at the time uh the us charts are um full of a lot of british bands like jesus jones and emf were in their kind of fun british poppy nonsense no disrespect
to EMF or Jesus Jones.
So the first album, The Space I'm In by The Candy Skins is released out there, but it was released on the same day as Nevermind by Nirvana, which kind of changed the face of the US music industry, and you know, music across the world I suppose, pretty much overnight.
Suddenly no one really wanted to hear Upbeat Fun, Britpop, and it was all about grunge, right?
Anyway, they've recorded their second album, Fun, the Candy Skins, in the US.
Geffen decides not to release it in the UK because they're sort of thinking, oh, it's all about grunge now.
Not sure about this fun pop band.
So Candy Skins are sent back to the UK to write their third album.
Geffen then ignores them, won't take their calls.
Candy Skins, bound by their contract, unable to record or perform live for about a year.
Then they get dropped by their label.
So it's all going wrong for them.
Their roadie is called Ed Candy Skins and he's got a band too.
He's in a band called Radiohead.
No!
Yeah, and they're doing really quite well.
So the Candy Skins have just been dropped from their deal by Geffen, have to go and watch their roadie Ed conquer the world with Radiohead, whose song Creep is doing very well at the time.
At this point, Candy Skin signed to a small UK label, Ultimate.
They've got an album's worth of new material, release a bunch of singles, they start to chart, the momentum is building.
They play Monday Monday on TFI Friday, their single, which has gone top 40, the single.
And it's the episode of TFI Friday after Chris Evans had just quit Radio 1, so the ratings were off the scale.
massive viewing figures so it's all going well you remember the song monday monday right of course monday monday i got egg on my face look at my face it's a total disgrace tuesday morning i got beans on my jeans is that not how it goes but um so it's all looking good for them right it's all looking good they're on the up again i mean they had a tricky time
The label dropped them but now they're bouncing back.
It's all bouncing back.
They're going to re-release one more single from the album and then the album's going to come out Sunday Morning Fever, third album.
It's all going well, right?
Meanwhile, Geffen, they noticed that the band are doing quite well.
So they think, hmm, I tell you what, this will be a good time to release that album, Fun, that we never released in the UK.
And Stymie, the release of their third album.
So all that momentum is kind of dissipated and looks all a bit confused.
Geffen released the album saying that it's the new Candy Skins album, when in fact it was the previous one.
And so at this point they prepare to release their new single, which is called Car Crash.
We're going to play it shortly.
Unfortunately, about a week later, Princess Diana was killed in the car crash in Paris.
So the radio stations weren't keen on playing the new single, understandably.
The momentum at this point is now completely blown.
So, meanwhile, their label Ultimate, they're having financial problems.
Candy Skins go into the studio and produce themselves some tracks for their next album.
One song called Feed It surfaces as a very strong single contender.
At this point, Walter Yetnikov, like legendary man from the 80s who ran Sony, he'd been responsible for Michael Jackson and Bruce Springsteen.
He signs them instantly on the strength of just this one single.
and the band go back to the US, they're touring, they're promoting the single, it's featured on the soundtrack of the Waterboy, the Adam Stone of the film, doesn't get better than that.
At which point Walter Yetnakoff gets cancer and he closes the record company.
Oh no!
So that's not good for Yetnakoff, his family and also the Candy Skins.
Meanwhile the head of their label in the UK Ultimate gets throat cancer, the label goes bust and shortly after that the Candy Skins split.
But I mean, that's that's a litany of woe, isn't it?
And it's told like very movingly by the guys in the band in the documentary who are just the nicest guys you can imagine.
And you sort of hope that maybe things will come together for them because they're still pretty young.
They could reform and maybe there'd be another chapter in the scan in the candy skins, you know, story that would be a bit more upbeat.
That's what a story.
That is a massive fact.
And it shows you that however talented or brilliant you are in terms of your output, there's all sorts of stuff you just can't predict or control in the world.
I once had a big argument with somebody over, do you think that the most famous and successful artists in the world are the best?
Right.
Is it kind of a meritocracy?
Do you know what I mean?
Do the best artists always rise to the top?
Or could there actually be better artists than the super famous ones who were just ignored?
I was saying there probably are.
It's not necessarily the absolute best artists become super famous.
No, because you need luck.
You do need luck.
There's all sorts of stuff going on that's out of your control.
So there you go, the documentary's called Anyone Can Play Guitar, directed by John Spira, all about the Oxford music scene, and you can go and help him complete it by seeking it out and investing online.
Right now, here are the candy skins, and this is that single that they weren't allowed to play at the time, Car Crash.
That's the Candy Skins with Car Crash.
Now Adam Sy Andrews has just emailed in asking you to repeat the name of the documentary.
It was called Anyone Can Play Guitar directed by John Spira and you can invest on it online by going to indiegogo.com as in indie music and then gogo.com.
Okay it is 11.30 and it's time for the news.
It's pretty stunning.
That's a cowbell sound.
Is that a cowbell?
Whereas this is a synth.
Yeah, and this is an oboe.
Oh, that's not bad.
And this is the sound of someone losing their mind!
That's a clarinet.
Synthesizers have come on since the days of the Harvard stereo is what I'm playing.
Joe just found that in the hub.
Has that been played by any big bands?
Probably.
Would the XX have used that?
I think Metronomy did their whole album on it, didn't they?
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.
That was, of course, PJ Harvey with Good Fortune.
And I think it's time we launched this week's Text the Nation.
Let's have a jingle.
This was constructed by Jez Price.
Let's hear it.
That is good, that's very good.
That's robotic, futuristic, I like it.
Yeah, do you think Jez's real name is Jeremy?
And he gets his friend to call him Jez.
Because it makes him a little bit cooler.
Jeremiah?
Because my name's Joe.
Could I be the Jossa?
The J-man Jossa?
You wouldn't want to be the Jossa though, would you?
Why not?
Who wants to be the Jossa?
It's just more exciting.
You put zeds onto something, it's immediately more exciting.
You used to be called Ads.
Ads?
Ads with a zed.
Ads is cool.
Ads Bads.
What about Joss?
Joss is not cool.
Joss sounds rubbish.
Sorry, man.
But you've got loads of good names!
That's true, I've got too many names already.
Jaycorn!
Jezza.
Well done, Jez Price, that was amazing.
Jaws.
I don't ever want to call you Jaws.
You've been made angry by that.
I'm not angry, I just don't want to call you Jaws.
You're not a Jaws.
So listen, what's the textination?
Jaws stick.
Tell Jaws what the textination is.
Well, I want to talk this week, ladies and gentlemen, and I want you to interact with us about arguments that you've witnessed between couples, maybe?
Between friends?
But you're in the room and you see the argument kicking off.
Tricky situation.
You're with a couple of friends and they start argumentalizing.
You know, it happens obviously with married couples.
Couples that are together in a relationship after a few years, they get comfortable with each other and they start getting to that phase where they can freely argue.
Become overly conversationally relaxed.
Yeah, and once you've got friends who've been married for a few years, the incidence of these little disagreements increases.
Part of the fun.
It's part of the fun, and usually it's, you know, I'm not talking about
horrible, horrible violent arguments and stuff.
I'm talking about fun arguments, just little disagreements.
Hopefully it's not the early stages of the couple actually splitting up.
Yeah, but sometimes it is.
And what do you do in those situations?
Like, what do you do, Joe, if someone starts arguing in front of you?
Because both you and I, I would say, are not that good with confrontation, right?
um we both tend to get quite physically violent quite fast we take it onto a physical level but no you have a good thing that you used to do when we were with groups of friends and there'd be an argument and you used to just pipe up oh mum dad stop arguing
As if you were a child and the two arguing people were your parents.
That's right.
Mummy, Daddy, please don't fight!
That's a good line and it immediately introduces a bit of fun into the equation.
Yes.
A guy I used to work with, Johnny, used to say that when he was a boy.
But you know what?
That was when we were younglings.
Yeah.
Er, now we, you know, you are a mummy and a daddy.
Right, now I'm dealing with real mummies and daddies.
So, so what are you going to do about that?
What do you do now?
Just tell us your story.
You encountered an argument?
Well, there was a mummy and daddy staying with us the other day round at our place and we were all having a nice afternoon, sat round the table after lunch, a couple of glasses of wine.
And dangerous territory already.
I'll call this couple Tommy and Tina.
Yes.
And Tina suddenly piped up.
We were talking about things like watching box sets.
I was complaining about the fact that I'd run out of good.
Terrific convo.
It's a great convo.
Great convo.
Some of the Sunday mags do columns on that.
You could make reference to one of those.
I knew you would pour a little scorn bucket on my box set convo.
Great convo.
Cornish gets out of scorn bucket, fills the scorn bucket.
to the bridge.
There is a column in a paper that goes, it's called My Favorite New Box Set or something.
Is there?
Yeah.
I don't read that column.
I'll cut it out for you.
I just have the conversation for real.
So we're having the box set convo and it's going fine.
You know, we've had the Lady Gaga convo and, um,
And then we, we do the box set combo and then Tina pipes up, Hey, you know, a great show that I've just got into that I was really quite surprised by, but it's brilliant, really well made, brilliantly acted and really surprising.
Great stories every week.
Watchdog.
No, Jonathan Creek.
Right.
So she goes, Jonathan Creek.
And what was the other guy's name?
I said, Tommy and Tina.
Right.
So Tommy goes,
What?
Jonathan Creek?
Are you joking?
Oh, bad start, Tommy.
Too much, too strong.
Yeah, and he's genuinely outraged, but he's also embarrassed because he thinks that Tina's, you know, perfectly understandable love of a program that many people enjoy.
She's lowered their cultural stock.
Yeah, he is embarrassed that she likes Jonathan Creek.
Right.
Totally unfair, and I've never seen the Creek, but I imagine it's brilliant and it's very popular.
And she's announced it in front of Buckles and Lady Buckley.
He thinks we're going to draw some kind of conclusion about her because she loves Alan Davis.
You've known Tommy and Tina for years, though.
Yeah.
And I could see I knew that Tommy was really embarrassed about the fact he had his head in his hands and he was going, oh, Jonathan Creek.
What?
When do you watch it?
You don't really like it.
She's like, yes, it's really good.
It's great.
You're a snob.
Not a snob, it's just, oh, you're, oh, jot of the creek.
Oh.
So it sounds like this accelerated very quickly, very sudden.
Yeah.
And then everyone went quiet because it was clear that he was genuinely distressed.
Were the children around the table?
No, they were all, um, They'd gone off to play.
hurting each other outside.
Yeah.
And everyone got a little uncomfortable because clearly he was genuinely embarrassed and angry with her for revealing this.
She was like, what?
What's the problem?
She's quite nice about it.
She didn't get too chippy.
But after a while she did.
She started sort of saying, oh, why don't you just leave me alone and stuff like that.
So, um, I think I tried the Mummy Daddy Please Don't Fight.
It didn't work?
It didn't really work.
It was still a little uncomfortable.
So how were you feeling during all of this?
Well, I was chuckling a little bit.
I was having a bit of a chuckle.
But then I also, you know, you also- What was your beautiful wife doing?
Maybe clearing the table, busying herself, pretending to ignore it?
Yeah, I think so.
Dealing with the dishes.
Fussing.
Fussing in the kitchen.
She was reading Grazia, right.
So wow, so the text on the nation subject is how do you handle stories about arguments that you've found yourself in the middle of?
Right, I'm interested in the arguments, I'm also interested in the techniques for dealing with them, maybe like...
you know yeah conflict resolution perhaps the text number is 64046 the email is adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk and you know sunday afternoons after lunch with a bit of wine that's perfect argument territory a lot of listeners you can look forward to maybe having an argument tomorrow afternoon i mean we had as i mentioned maybe plan it maybe plan the very provocative and it should be about something very trivial jonathan creek's perfect
Yeah.
Because it's totally innocuous.
What does it matter?
So it's the perfect subject to have a huge, destructive Barney about.
Yeah, because we, as I said, we'd already exhausted Lady Gaga.
Right.
And it was all about like, the merit of Lady Gaga.
I was defending Gaga.
But that got very heated.
Let's not get into Gaga.
All right.
Here is Death Cab for Cutie.
This is you are a tourist.
I'd like a Death Cab, please for the Cutie.
You're a tourist, that song was called.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC6 music.
Don't forget listeners that this amazing radio show will have all the flab removed from it and be reduced to a two minute long podcast available tomorrow.
No, it won't be two minutes.
It'll be, they're usually around about an hour.
And we have extra little nuggets in there for you as well.
Lots of podcast exclusive content.
So check it out.
And that'll be available tomorrow evening.
Probably tonight.
Wow.
It gets faster and faster.
Whoa.
You know, available from the usual podcast outlets.
Also, we have a blog.
Tell them about the blog, Joe.
The blog's extraordinary.
It's going to have all your Black Squadron photos on.
It's currently got all of last week's Black Squadron photos, so if you want to see what listeners to this, other listeners to this show look like, what kind of things they get up to, and especially what kind of stuff they have in their houses.
There's also a video on there, I think, that we've uploaded of someone actually having a birthday flip-out, aged six, when he was doing a bit of musical chairs.
You get to see him dancing around the chairs there, there's Ghostbusters playing in the background, it's all very authentic.
Someone beats him to the chair and he goes completely mental.
Lots of stuff to check out at bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash adam and joe uh it's free play time now someone one or two people have asked what a free play is people keep asking us that should we keep telling them well the the music that you hear on this show is put together it's a combination of stuff that our producer james chooses some of it is play listed by the station some of it's uh ordered by the state
Some of it is government sanctioned.
That's right.
David Cameron pops in and he says, I think you should play a lot more Death Cab for Cutie because they're so, so good.
And lots of, lots of Scar.
Play a load of Scar because I think Scar's absolutely great and really fun.
Ah, his sleeves rolled up.
when he says this?
Yeah, yeah.
Because he means business.
Sure he does.
That's a sign of meaning business.
His tie is rakishly askew.
I have more confidence in a politician who has their sleeves rolled up, don't you?
Yeah, because they're ready to get their hands dirty.
Yeah, they could deliver a calf at the drop of a hat.
So here's a bit more Raphael Sadiq.
I played a track from his new album Stone Rolling a couple of weeks ago.
This is the last one I'm going to play, but this is great.
This is kind of a tribute to Leon Ware.
Do you know who Leon Ware is?
No?
Oh, he's the chap.
He's a kind of soul singer and artist and composer.
And he wrote all the songs that became I Want You, the Marvin Gaye album.
So he's like a classic 70s soul guy.
He's still recording, I think, Leon Ware.
This is Raphael Sadiq's tribute to him.
This is called Moving Down the Line.
The fish member of Power Plant.
We go crazy with it now.
That is too crazy, pull it back.
The rest of the guys in the band have noticed you have too much funky in your fingers.
So you're out of the Power Plant.
That was craft work there with computer love.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6music.
Now here's a clip from last week's show of me talking about a video I'd seen online of the Kings of Leon.
We played one of their tracks and this is what I said afterwards.
There's a weird video of them on YouTube playing at Reading a few years back, where apparently they just hacked off, they're having a bad gig, and they just play like an incredibly bad version of one of their songs deliberately.
And just sort of playing weird notes all over the place and singing out of tune.
That's cool.
At first I watched it and I couldn't figure out if someone had dubbed over it to make it sound deliberately bad or if it was them just being weird themselves.
It's quite perplexing.
So I never actually said last week whether I had decided.
All I said was that I was a little bit confused.
I think you were suckered hook, line and sinker.
I was.
By Les Mitchell's son.
That's right.
Well, there was an avalanche of communication saying...
Buxton, you idiot hole!
It's a shred video!
And of course, I've seen shredding videos before.
The first time I was aware of them was a few years back when there was a chap called Santeri Ochala, also calling himself Saint Sanders, who did some amazing videos of people like Stevie Vi and, like, guitar virtuosos, and he would deliberately, you know, he would dub deliberately... Now you're just showing off your knowledge of shred videos to try and get a little bit of stuff in the bank?
Yes, of course!
I had seen them before.
I'm trying to set up the fact that I was... So how come you fell for this one?
Because it's amazingly well done.
But anyway, to explain the shredding thing, it's people dubbing deliberately bad versions, musical versions of songs that are being played live in a video, right?
And so this Kings of Leon one I saw, but I was confused because the sound, the guy's voice is exactly like the lead singer.
Here's a clip of the shredded version of this Kings of Leon performance playing Sex on Fire.
But you realise that that probably is him singing?
No, it's not him singing.
This is all constructed.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Are you sure?
Listen.
No, but it could be they played the shredded stuff in a different key.
You never know.
Are you 100% sure?
Yes.
Now I am.
I hope I'm not putting my foot in it again.
That is not the lead singer of the Kings of Leon.
If he'd knocked all the accompaniment out of key, it would make all his singing that previously sounded in key out of key.
It's just a theory, I think it could be a real stem of the real singer, but he's knocked all the backing stuff out of key.
No, I don't think so.
I think it's completely constructed from scratch, the guy can tell me.
Anyway, his dad, Les Mitchell, as you said,
uh he was one of the people that emailed he said hi adam and joe i was listening to your program on saturday had to laugh when you spoke about kings of leon being hacked off at the redding festival and playing badly the playing was all done by my son tom mitchell 24 he's a creative sound engineer from perth scotland he does shred videos where he dubs over funny versions of live performances of various bands check them out he's done coldplay cigarettes radiohead there's a very funny radiohead one
Fallout Boy, Mars Volta.
I can assure you my son does all the instruments and records it on his Mac computer.
Check out his site on YouTube.
He calls himself AllureGoNoise on YouTube and they're amazing and I think he does the singing as well.
I might be wrong but Les or Tom you could get in touch and let us know if you do the vocals but that's the thing that fooled me on the Kings of Leon one was the vocal I just thought well that is just the guy from Kings of Leon and then I went online and I searched for a review of that reading gig and I found out that the reviews were all quite mixed as well they were sort of saying they played a weird show and they left the stage early and they were obviously having a bad time and they got a bit angry with the crowd for not being enthusiastic enough
So it all kind of made sense.
I thought, wow, this is a real performance of them throwing this gig.
But it wasn't.
I was suckered in by a brilliant bit of shredding there.
What's his name, Tom?
Tom Mitchell.
Tom, you fool Camp Buckley's.
Enough respect.
Which is very, very, very difficult to do.
Very difficult.
I've so seldom been fooled by anything.
And usually all my facts are absolutely on the money about almost everything I talk about.
I'm one of the most well-informed men on the radio.
Anyway, check out Tom Mitchell.
His stuff is... We could have a new sort of segment, like Full Count Bucky Lees.
Yeah.
I sent, incidentally, name drop for you, Tom.
I sent your Radiohead shredding video to the members of the band, and they thought it was very funny indeed.
Wow.
Anyway, here is Desmond Decker right now.
This is Israelites.
I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party
Yes, it's time for a few more made-up jokes here on the programme.
Just to remind you, these have been specially authored by hahaha architects who have sent them in and they believe them to be their own work exclusively.
You can't just nick someone else's joke and pass it off as your own.
And also you can't do like a really obvious one that obviously other people would have made.
We gave some examples earlier in the show.
Anything to do with denial and various Harry Potter-based jokes.
Mask a pony.
I'm worried about made-up jokes.
I think they're taking over.
I think they're like one of those vines or trees that people complain about.
It's like the tin vine.
It's growing all over the house and we can't see out the windows anymore.
It's running rampant.
It's coming indoors!
I love made up jokes.
It's my favourite.
We should just rename this show Made Up Jokes.
Made Up Jokes with Adam and Joe.
Here's one from Joe.
Hey Jim Morrison, I've got a fine selection of cheeses here.
Which ones would you like?
Camembert Brie White Chair Shire I thought we weren't going to do cheese ones!
That's the only one.
Why?
I didn't even understand that.
Come on, bear, bre, white, cheshire.
Because that's an unusually creative cheese one.
I don't understand it at all.
Come on, bear, bre, white, cheshire.
Oh, I see, I see, I see, okay.
The types of cheeses.
No, that's pretty good.
And Jim Morrison is singing.
Because that's pretty edgy.
Come on, baby, light my fire.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wouldn't listen.
Come on, bear, bre, white, cheshire.
No, that's good.
I take it all back.
That's good.
That's very convoluted.
Thank you, Joe.
It's all right.
No, I'm talking about the author.
Have you got one there?
I do.
Now, this is one you've given to me.
You're having to fuel my made-up joke higher.
And it's not very clearly laid out.
I'm not sure how to deliver this.
It's from Stuart in Bristol.
The punchline is the heading.
Dear Adam and Joe, did you know that it's Rick Astley's wife's birthday tomorrow?
I wonder if she's gonna get him that Pixar DVD he keeps asking for.
No, I wonder if she's gonna get that Pixar DVD she keeps asking for.
I'm making a right pig's ear of this, aren't I?
And at the end he says, I would say not.
Somehow, I doubt it.
And the joke is headed, never gonna give you up.
That's my heading that I put for my own.
Oh you read it properly then.
She wants the Pixar, she wants Up.
You get it, we've given you the ingredients.
He's saying, I'm never gonna give you Up, I'm never gonna give you Cars, I'm never gonna give you Finding Nemo either.
There you go, there you go.
You thought about it, I just got handed it to me.
That's good, that's good, that's good.
Here's one from Steve Moore.
I walked past a hairy-footed little man yesterday who was going to throw bread at me.
I said, don't throw dough.
Yes.
Don't throw dough.
That's good.
Don't throw dough.
You've given me the really bad ones.
Yeah I did.
Graham and Tariq, you've put these big headings at the top.
Well don't read the headings to remind me.
Well you've got to tell me that.
This morning the strangest thing happened.
I got out of bed.
I'm not laughing at the joke.
I got out of bed and started walking around the flat making small talk with various pieces of furniture Turns out on my alarm.
I pressed the schmooze button schmoozing the furniture
He pressed the schmooze button.
It's good, it's good, it's good.
He's making small talk.
Kiss hug, kiss hug from Graham and Tariq.
Thanks guys.
Tariq.
Here's one from Matt Hodson.
What does Popeye have for breakfast?
Egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg.
James liked that one.
Of course he did.
Because it's very good.
Do you think that's made up?
Egg egg egg egg egg egg egg.
Do you think that's made up?
Sure it is.
Have you tested it?
Egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg.
Put in egg egg egg egg egg egg on the computer then if you want.
It won't work.
Have you got one more?
No.
Now you do.
Oh god.
There's my emergency page.
Which one?
Any one you want, they're all good.
I do like your headings.
That's to remind me what they are.
It's very effective.
Okay, did you hear that the Japanese government has decided to recall... Oh, I'm sorry, I picked this one.
Did you hear that the Japanese government has decided to recall all its foreign troops and replace them with cardboard cutouts?
No, I didn't know that.
They're calling it the origami.
Bye-bye cheesecake Bobby kiss kiss kiss kiss the Auric army.
That's good.
It's good This is an extra layer now to made up jokes because they're going through Joe's joke filter as well because he's reading out ones that I've picked Nice.
Oh, you mean they're not going through my filter.
Well, no, I mean you are adding a layer of filtrosity filterism You know critical.
Oh, right.
Yes Here's one more from me
Written by you or chosen?
Chosen by me.
From the stinky bag.
This is from Matt Horner in Auckland in New Zealand.
So I should, actually you should read it out in your New Zealand accent.
Mate, I do a very good New Zealand accent.
Oh mate.
And the thing about it is it's totally distinct from my Australian accent.
Because it's more sibilant.
No, I've worked out exactly what the difference is.
And there's a little bit at the top there where he's just explaining about the creation of the joke.
And then the bit in italics is the joke.
Do you understand the system?
Yes.
Right.
Dear Adam and Joe, I have a joke which I made up during dinner with some friends some seven years ago.
Hobbits?
Hobbits.
As you can imagine, my joke was widely well received.
So I spent the next seven years refining the joke to a point I was truly happy with it.
Enjoy.
Hobbits.
Colon.
Hobbits.
Pop in your hobbit house.
Customer, waiter, waiter, could I have some more of these small sweet tasting onions?
Waiter, sorry sir.
That's shallot.
I mean we've had that before.
Have we?
I mean that's one of the classics.
Not with that brilliant setup though.
I felt like I was in the restaurant.
I'm going to get some small sweet tasting onions.
No sister waiter, that's jollof.
Thank you, Matt Horner, Auckland, New Zealand.
Alright then.
I thought they were good.
Thank you to everyone.
No, that was good.
They were very good.
Thank you to everyone who sent us made-up jokes.
Remember, the more tortured they are, the better.
Yeah, I guess.
Because then that makes them more authored.
I know, I lean too heavily on the puns.
Alright, here's a free play for you now, listeners.
This is one of my favourite ever bands, and this is from their album that was released in 2001, Girls Can Tell.
This is Spoon with the fitted shirt.
Well, that's very good.
Danger Mouse, Danielle Luppy or Loopy?
How would you say it, Jay?
Loopy.
And Jack White, of course.
But do they not have a name collectively or are they just called Jack White, Danger Mouse and Danielle Loopy?
It's not a very good name for a band, though, is it?
He's got a lot of names already, though, hasn't he, Jack White?
Yeah.
A lot of different outfits going on.
He's got loads.
I mean, he doesn't want to overburden people.
So he's just going by the... He's doing the utilitarian thing.
Right.
And I guess, I mean, they're all big names, aren't they?
I mean, I haven't heard of Daniel Lupe before, to be honest, but maybe they all want to stand out as individuals?
Maybe.
But then there's a fourth guy on the picture.
What's he playing at?
His name doesn't get mentioned.
Who's he?
It's very confusing.
That'll never be a success.
Tommy Knockers.
That's from their forthcoming album, Rome, which is out.
If it's Tommy Knockers, maybe it will be a success.
On the 16th of May.
I'm not sure it's Tommy.
It's one of the Tommy Knockers.
It looks like Tommy Knockers.
Yeah.
I watched the Tommy Knockers the other day.
It was on TV.
The Stephen King film.
Yeah.
Is that the one in the plane?
No.
No, that is the Langoliers.
What happens in the Tommy Knockers?
They're alien men and they come and they take over the minds of people in the village.
Okay.
It's not about a man called Tommy who grows knockers.
I wish it was.
Let's have the text the nation jingle.
Textination!
Text!
Textination!
What if I don't want to?
Textination!
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter!
Text!
So Text the Nation this week, listeners, it's all about arguments you've found yourself in the midst of, like if you're at a social engagement or out in the world and suddenly you find the people you're with or people close to you having a huge Barney.
How do you deal with it?
Here's one from Dan Baker in Walthamstow.
He says, whenever I'm at a dinner party or social situation, if it gets a bit heated after an argument or discussion,
which happens a lot as we're all film nerds.
I wait for a beat of awkward silence then I play the opening to Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On.
This diffuses any situation and results in either hilarious laughter or confused looks and either results in stopping the argument or a return to normal civility.
Hmm.
You wait till you're married it won't work then.
Well he shares this method with his fiance Sarah and his friend Dave Simpson.
His fiance?
It might work on your fiance once you've been married for 10 years then you try singing Let's Get It On during an argument.
He doesn't sing it, he puts it on just to completely alter the mood.
He sticks it on.
Is that a good tactic?
I mean what what record could you have put on during Tommy and Tina's altercation?
Maybe the theme from Jonathan Creek.
Yeah.
What is this theme from Jonathan Creek?
It's based on a farm, I think.
Jonathan Creek.
Here's one from Amy, who's a girl.
Amy girl.
And she's in the pacifist black squadron.
Oh yes.
No killings.
Good.
Yeah.
My parents are starting to go deaf.
So sometimes when they argue these days, they have to ask me what the other person said.
I use this opportunity to rephrase their insults in a friendly way and it seems to work.
That's pretty good, isn't it?
She's the Kofi Annan.
There's hope for the future.
Eventually the arguing individuals will start going deaf.
What?
What did you say?
But then what if you get a rotten mediator?
Right, who wants to stoke the fires?
Mmm.
That'd be bad.
What was her name again?
Amy.
Amy Girl.
Amy Girl?
Yeah.
Well, Amy Girl, I wish you'd come round to our house.
I've got the same sort of problem with my parents.
Um, and here's another one.
This is from Somebody Anonymous.
Once
When I was about eight or nine, my parents were arguing in the lounge.
So I took the keys to my dad's Ford Granada, got in and started the engine.
My parents came running out, stopped arguing with each other and yelled at me instead, successful conflict resolution.
Nice.
So that's a way if, I mean, you wouldn't want to encourage that for children.
You don't want to go starting cars.
Obviously that would be very bad thing for the castle to encourage.
But in this one isolated incident in the past where no one can be harmed, that was wicked, a very good tactic.
don't you think yeah that's excellent here's another one finally for this little segment larry from didcot who is a male this is very good people telling us their gender larry man we like to know where we stand yeah uh it should be like they they do in iceland you know you're either um stevenson right or goodman's daughter right you know so
That's fun.
Well, why don't we do it with that?
Good man, son.
This may not be... What do you mean, why don't we do it with that?
What's his name?
His name is Larry from Didcot, brackets male.
So you call him Larryson?
Larryson.
And if it's a girl, you call Tina Dotter?
I like that, I prefer the dottir.
This may not be a completely relevant example as I did not know the couple in question.
In a popular supermarket I witnessed a couple attempting to choose a loaf of bread on the appropriate aisle.
The woman was dithering, overcome possibly by the large number of brands on offer.
This led to the brilliant comment from the man, oh come on love it's not rocket surgery!
That's a that's a bit of a what do we call them malapropism as well?
Yeah, you know, what did we used to do those on this show?
Do you remember in the past?
Mmm, you've got things confused Oh egg corns.
Yeah, that's a bit of an egg corn as well a bit.
There we go So let us know about your argument handling tactics Don't forget to tell us if you're a brutal or adult here six four zero four six is the text number the email is Adam and Joe dot six music at BBC co dot UK and
Now here is Karen Anne Dottir and this is called My Name is Trouble.
That's not true though because we've established her name is Karen Anne.
So I don't know what she's talking about.
This is the opening track from her latest album, 101, out on the 4th of April back then.
Oh, good times.
Tour dates will be announced soon.
I've finished reading out all the things on my fact sheet now.
Well done.
What's New Order with Blue Monday?
I don't need to tell you that though, right?
Yeah, come on guys, cool.
So earlier this week I was in a public lavatory where I spend a lot of my time and I was just finishing a number one when I fumbled my smartphone which I was sort of holding in my teeth.
I think I was gripping it between my teeth, ill-advised.
splash In it goes at the end of the number two execution number one execution that makes a big difference in the story Because I plunged my hand in immediately and rescued the popular brand of smartphone from the wee-wee pool and An urinal yeah, no wasn't it urinal it was splosh right in the bowl there, right?
And it was fine
That's a relief.
Yeah.
But man, I just thought, oh, this is, this is not good.
You know, and there was a split second where I thought, hmm.
I mean, it's probably dead now, isn't it?
In the wee-wee pond.
Probably just leave it there.
But then I thought, no, I'm gonna save you!
I'm gonna save you, popular brand of smartphone!
and I plunged my hand in there and ripped it out and shook it vigorously.
Spraying... Spraying weed everywhere.
And that must have felt like quite an adventure.
It was, man.
It was like a sort of... It's like the modern equivalent of one of those, um, night's tales.
I mean, I know this is reinforcing now the image of me as a kind of... Foraging through toilet bowls.
Picking up coppers on station platforms.
I'm like a tramp with a life.
It's good.
I'm a successful man.
It's good.
With the trappings of success, but I'm actually a tramp.
Um, but it worked, man.
Yeah.
It was amazing.
What an amazing feeling.
And it reminded me of a time when I was, when I was little and I got, my parents had given me a colour TV for my birthday.
I must have been 12 or something.
And it was amazing.
It was a little Sony Trinitron.
And it was just extraordinary.
I sat there one Friday night and I was watching our feed is a pet followed by Magnum Pi and I had a box of French fancies and I was digging in there stuffing them in my what a French fancies you don't know the little square cakes pink and the yellow and the brown ones and they've got a they got a dollop of fun.
Little stripes on them.
Icing and, yeah, delicious.
Yeah.
So I'm... Yeah, delicious.
That was innervous.
So I'm playing through the French fancy.
But I've got a glass of water on the top of the telly.
Reach for the glass of water, knock it over, falls down the back of the trinitron, and there's an actual fizz and a puff of smoke, and the screen goes dark.
And that's it for the trinitron.
And I can't begin to explain to you the feeling of pure heartbreak and loss.
I mean, because when you're that, when you're 12 and you're completely materialistically minded, it's like losing, you know, a loved one to see something like that happen.
Your beautiful, amazing present that you never, ever thought you were going to get off your parents.
You know, the last thing in the world I thought they were going to buy me was a telly after all the times they'd come in and say, you watching telly, turn that off, do something proper, read a book.
Do you remember when I borrowed your video camera and I tried in a speedboat in Greece and I wanted to do a Superman flying just over the tips of the waves shot.
So I held it very close to the surface of the sea water while the speedboat was speeding along.
And it got splooshed, didn't it?
It did get splooshed.
And the seawater got in it, didn't it?
And it stopped working.
Because water, if you spill water on something, you're fine.
Like on a keyboard, because usually you just dry it out.
And as I've found... And it evaporates.
You're fine.
And urine, urine.
But not sea water, no no no, that has a salty sediment once it evaporates.
And that gets into the circuits.
The circuits, yeah.
But my trinitron survived.
No.
Yeah, I came... Well that's what I mean, if it's just water, the advice is just to obviously unplug, very dangerous, but then just let it dry out naturally and it'll usually be okay.
Coca-Cola, I spilt a whole glass of coke over a keyboard at work once.
Oh.
Broken.
Didn't like it.
No, too sugary for crows.
Too sugary for crows and keyboards.
It's just for you and your dog.
Yeah.
So this is handy, isn't it?
This advice.
Yeah, this is good advice.
You're fine with wee-wee, you're fine with water.
Yes.
But avoid seawater and sugary drink pop.
Yeah, when it comes to dunking electronic devices into liquid.
And pop.
An actual pop as well.
Great, good.
That's informative.
Good, good, good.
But the feeling when the trinitron came back, because I sort of forlornly switched it on the next day, going up to the corpse of my beloved best friend who had departed the day before.
Did you clean the phone?
Oh, with the phone.
I mean, you might have wanted to wash it with fresh water.
No, I wiped it.
You know, I shook it off.
I mean, I have to.
Is it still a little bit stinky?
The phone.
It reeks.
That must be fun to make and receive calls on.
And the guy speaks with the phone that reeks.
Here's the Beastie Boys with Make Some Noise.
I was make some noise by the Beastie Boys which rhymes it's from their forthcoming album hot sauce committee part two out on the 2nd of May and that track is out digitally this week and physically oh that's a relief on the 16th of May and apparently it's got a great new video with lots of famous people in are you saying Joe
something like that it's all over the internet i haven't looked at it yet but it's got famous people like reconstruct yeah justine collins better than you sure um alan carr larry turner yeah larry turner they couldn't get turner they couldn't get turner no she's too busy too busy
Um, listen, it's time for a final visit to the land of, uh, text the nation.
Let's have a jingle, James.
Text the nation!
Text!
Text the nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation!
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter!
Text!
And Text the Nation this week is all about being in the middle of arguments that are nothing to do with you but yet you're kind of trapped in there and tactics for defusing them.
Here is one from Tom Garrison.
Arguments colon.
I'm a big proponent of the whoa man guys technique like whoa guys it's only a muffin.
or whatever trivial thing the couple happen to be arguing about.
This isn't muffin specific.
The problems are if they don't think it's so trivial and argue with your patronizing ways or the whole argument made you feel uncomfortable or awkward so your attempt at perspective makes it sound like you fear the end of the world if they don't stop.
That said, it usually works showing them how silly it all is.
Hey, hey guys, guys, guys.
Hey guys, come on, chill out.
That doesn't work on Dr. Buckles.
Doesn't it?
No, because when I hear people doing that voice, I think, what?
Why are you doing the calm down voice?
I'm calm!
Why are you doing the calm down voice?
What would that have done if you'd done that during Tommy and Tina's big argument?
Hey, hey, guys.
Yeah, because then you make it into... I think it fans the flames.
It's like blowing gently on a fire.
It's like saying, whoa, there's a conflict.
You're embarrassing yourselves.
Hey, whoa, calm down.
What?
Jonathan Creek!
You're exacerbating me.
You're insane!
Hey Cornbot and Buckzilla, a good technique when you are at a couple's house and they argue is to call the house phone from your mobile and mute the call.
Do this a few times and the couple unite over bloody prank callers.
Works most times.
That's crafty from Shane Greville.
What?
Mandangle oh yeah, he's a man not reading that Shane Greville son.
Yeah, Shane.
He's a man He's a man's man, but that's a good technique to call Mandang the house phone During the argument to distract them is it yeah, well then you feel you're being stalked by a terrifying phone freak
Yeah, but it distracts them.
So it's alright.
It's better than them hurting each other.
I suppose.
Finally.
Is this finally?
No, semi-finally.
My couply group of friends once squeezed down the front of a daft punk gig.
Everyone was packed in and hot and personal space was restricted to between your ears.
A very good friend of mine was and continues to be in a volatile relationship.
I like friends who continue to be in volatile relationships.
They found it the ideal opportunity to have a stand up row, finger pointing and screaming the works.
It felt rather surreal as I couldn't hear a word over the music.
And as I danced to robot rock, I watched the crowd managed to create a six foot clear no go zone around them.
And despite the lack of room, I got them a turbo shandy each to distract them.
And they're still together.
Oh, good job.
That's a good place, like if you choose your location properly you can argue as much as you want.
A daft punk gig is perfect.
Also couples who are able to vocalise in that way.
For some couples it's the hallmark of their relationship.
But it's a healthy thing sometimes.
There's a great Jonathan Richman song called Couples Must Fight.
It's a way of blowing off steam and it keeps the relationship lively.
The bad thing is to have simmering resentment and contempt.
Don't want simmering resentment, really?
No, you don't want it to simmer.
How long can something simmer before it comes to the boil or boils away?
Well, this is the thing.
I mean, it could be a few months.
I've had some stuff simmering for 20 or 30 years.
It's not good.
You've got to let that stuff out.
Oh, it'll be done soon.
It'll be delicious.
Here finally is one from Rob who is a male of Norwich Robson hello Joe and hello Adam.
Hello.
I saw a tramp in Tesco Arguing with the self-service checkout lady voice.
He then fell over and clunked his head on the screen argument solved he lost I Wonder if that was me could have been you I've got a lot to say about those self-checkout machines.
They're a
yeah do you like them well we should save it for another day really because we're running out of time but there's a lot to be said about those things that's text the nation for this week listeners thank you to everyone who contributed don't forget you can still contribute if you're listening to this via listen again or via the podcast send your contribution to adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk and who knows it could appear in retro text the nation next week what an incredible reward that would be that would be amazing imagine imagine imagine giving that gift to a little child oh
I did, it was beautiful.
That's what the child would say.
It's amazing.
Here is, this is your pre-play, right Joe?
Is it?
The Human League.
Yeah, this is a bit of Human League, and this is such a... You say the Human League, I say the Human League.
The Human League?
Yeah.
Yeah, and this is just, this is like a chewy sweet, this record.
You know, if it was a, if it was a sweet, it would be a chewy or a fruitelle.
Not a mojo.
It's just complete sugar and riffage and squidginess.
It's Fascination by the Human League.
The Human League with Fascination.
That's it for this week.
You've been listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.
Thank you for listening and thanks to everyone who's texted or emailed during the show.
Please keep your missives coming in during the week.
Don't forget to download the podcast this evening.
It'll be ready for you to download.
Oh my goodness.
And we have a Twitter account now as well.
At BBC Adam and Joe.
Are the capitals important there?
Yeah, at BBC Adam, a nd Joe.
And when people tweet on this account, it'll be clear if it's James, our producer, or maybe Lucy, our broadcast assistant.
And then I suppose occasionally, it might be myself or Joe, although we're not going to what about Twitch squadron?
I mean, the show already has an army of Twitter followers who Twitter one another during the program.
They call themselves TwitSquadron.
What about them?
Have you thought of them?
Yeah, but they can join in with this one, can't they?
Can they, though?
Yeah, well, they can read them.
Yes, they can!
And Joe and I were just talking about the fact that, you know, anything that we can think of that's tweetable, we usually save for the actual show.
So we're not going to pretend that we're going to be on there the whole time, but I'm really going to do my best to try and think of a few tweets that I can plop out there during the week.
That sounds exciting.
Tweet plops.
The way you've described it.
Liz Kershaw's coming up in a few minutes and we'll be back next week at the same time live here on 6Music from 10am to 1pm next Saturday.
Hope your week goes really well.
I'm going to Centre Park's this week with the family.
Oh no way.
Back to Centre Park's mate.
Exciting.
I'm very excited.
My body's looking great.
I can't wait to get into the Bio Dome swimming pool and show off my physique.
Are you there all week?
Get in there pretty much, yeah.
Really?
lucky.
Wow.
I'm a lucky guy.
Um, so I can't wait for that and I'll fill you in.
It's gonna be fun stories next week.
Yeah, sure.
Who knows what you'll find in the bins?
Who knows?
All kinds of stuff.
And in the pool as well.
Good times.
Uh, thanks for listening.
Take care.
I love you.
Bye!