That's The Strokes and 1251 kicking off another fantastic show for Adam and Joe here on XFM.
London's 104.9.
I'm gonna be big this week, Joe.
Big.
Really?
Yeah, huge.
In what sense?
Just personality-wise.
I'm gonna sit all over this, Joe.
You'll be poached by Capitol during the show if you carry on talking like that.
That's what I'm hoping.
You're out foxing foxy.
I'm gonna do a capital link for you right now.
Turn down your foxiness, eh?
I can't.
I will turn it down just after this capital link, okay?
Here's a capital link for you.
Well, it's Saturday afternoon, and what an afternoon it is.
People are outside.
Here's Enya.
Is that a real Capitol link?
No, it's wrong in a couple of respects.
The content was correct, but I don't think they'd be playing Enya.
They're a bit more groovy than that these days.
But on our show, coming up, we've got lazy reviews, we've got a celebrity regression, we've got Dizzies in the Dock.
Yeah.
Quite an easy celebrity regression this week.
Is it?
People have been complaining that it's too hard.
Right.
And yeah, Ditty's in the Dark.
You know what I feel like, Adam?
What do you feel like?
I feel like being reminded of my favourite BBC One trails.
Really?
For forthcoming shows.
I feel like being reminded of Pop Idol, the last series.
You know what I need?
What?
I need to hear a warning sign by Coldplay to remind me of all those things.
Brilliant.
Can you help me with that?
Yeah, yeah, here we go.
Oh, that's better.
Coldplay and Warning Sign, you're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
Joe, there's a good chance we might actually see and touch and molest Chris Martin from Coldplay tomorrow evening.
Really?
Have you not met Chris?
Chrissy Chris Chris, Chrissy Poo Poo Martin?
I have, but I met him before he was kind of astronomically famous, which I would say he is now.
Would you quibble with astronomically famous?
Yeah, he's astronomically famous.
Yeah, he is, isn't he?
And I met him at a party, and I think it was Edgar Wright's party.
Edgar Wright, of course, the director of Shaun of the Dead, which we are going to the premiere of tomorrow evening.
And yeah, I met Chris Martin at his party there.
And I think I said, despite not being a massive Coldplay fan, I did that thing of just basically licking his bottom, because he's famous.
And I said something like,
Oh, you know, I've been obsessed by the first track on Parachutes.
Which is kind of true, because it is a brilliant track.
What is the first track on Parachutes?
It's called Don't Panic, and it is an amazing song.
Is that... Yeah, that's the one.
That's a good version.
Well, thank you.
I mean, it's brilliant to even come through when I sing it like that.
He should do it like that.
Well, that's really good.
You know, records like that would sell more copies because they'd sell to babies.
Yeah, and they'd sell to adults and they'd sell to slightly retarded adults like me.
And it would be quicker because you wouldn't have to make up any lyrics.
It would just be... That's the Sean Penn, I am Sam version of Don't Panic.
Anyway, sorry.
So yeah, well you could suggest that to Chris if you see him tomorrow night.
However, would you now go up to someone like Chris Martin?
Yeah, you know what?
Chris Martin comes up to me.
No he doesn't.
Yeah he does.
Does he really?
He's a very nice fella and he's not all famous famous.
He's very nice.
But what they're really trying to get is Gwyneth to the premiere tomorrow.
Right.
You see, Chris exists in the real world, sort of.
You know, the top of his head might be in...
Cloud Cuckoo Land, I call it.
Is she a space car, then?
She's really very, very famous, isn't she?
Well, she's A-list, man.
She's an Oscar winner.
She's above A-list.
Yeah.
What's above A-list?
I don't know A-list.
Or A-list.
A-list.
Yeah, exactly.
Anyway, where are we going with all of this?
I don't know.
I'm just excited about the premiere.
The Shaun of the Dead premiere.
And Shaun of the Dead is very good.
It's been getting rid of it.
It's got a very positive review in Variety.
Has it?
The American Film Bible, which suggests it might be a US hit as well.
And once again, it's been described as the saviour of the British film industry.
The British film industry's been dying pretty much since I became aware there was a British film industry, when I was aged about six.
Yeah.
It's just dead.
And then every now and then, the corpse sort of twitches with a film like, you know, Room with a View, or Chariots of Fire, or Shaun of the Dead.
Yeah, it's a very appropriate analogy, of course, as well.
The zombie corpse of the British film industry.
So, at the premiere tonight, are you gonna try and schmooze people, Adam?
Tomorrow night.
Schmooze.
Hmm.
I don't know what you mean to get ahead.
Because you've got a record of stumbling up to celebrities, wanting to make friends with them, and then making an arse of yourself.
Who have I done that with?
I don't know, I can't remember the specifics, but many is a time when you've told me long stories about how you've embarrassed yourself in front of a celebrity.
Once or twice I've done that.
You just did one just now, about Chris Martin.
Yep.
I didn't embarrass myself, though.
He was nice, you know, and it was fine.
I tell you, the last person I did that with was Frank Black, AKA Black Francis, lead singer of the Pixies.
And I went up to him at a gig after a gig of his.
And, you know, I've met him a couple of times before, so I know him to say hello to.
But I was really nervous for some reason, and I was a bit wasted.
And I had a hat in my bag, like a baseball cap, and I'd sewn the word.
I'd got it at a shop.
This is already sounding mental.
Yeah, and it had the word boring on it, right?
And it's too long a story to tell why it had the word boring on the front.
Well, probably because you want it to be interesting.
Yeah, it was for a thing we were going to do in Japan, and I got it in Japan.
Anyway, I had it in my bag, and I was just so wasted.
I just wanted to give him something, and I gave him the boring hat, and I said, look, this is for you.
You can wear it when you're doing interviews.
Well, he probably took that the wrong way, didn't he, and thought that you thought that he was boring?
Well, exactly, but I kind of meant it to be like, you know, interviews.
Aren't they rubbish there?
You hate doing them.
Here's a hat to make you kind of... Oh, dear, I didn't think it through at all.
I think you shouldn't go to the premiere.
Maybe I shouldn't.
Stay away from Shaun of the Dead.
Just watch it on video.
Fair enough, then.
Yeah?
Okay.
Let's have some Foo Fighters.
That was the Foo Fighters with Learn to Fly.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM all the way through till three.
I say all the way, it's only about an hour and a half now.
So, you know, there's all sorts of good stuff coming up in the show.
We've got Celebrity Regression coming up soon, haven't we, Ad?
Yeah, that's right.
Later this hour, I will be regressed live on air by Joe, who is unqualified to perform regressions.
And it will be up to you, the listening public, to phone in and guess who the celebrity was.
have been regressed into a hypnotic regression and we want we want you to guess what the films are as well because i will be regressed and i will actually be living out the characters that i have portrayed in these films so not only do you have to guess which actor i am yeah you have to guess what those films are and what is it a tough one adam this week i would say that it's quite an easy one but quite tough
Quite tough.
I'm getting contradictory signals from you, Adam.
It's tough, but yeah, it's easy.
I would say, in that case, yes, it's easy.
It's teasy.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm starting to speak micro now.
Speaking of adverts... Yes?
This post office one.
For the post office.
They're delivering cardboard words to each other, right?
Is that with the Travis track on it?
Possibly.
Is it Travis?
I didn't know that.
Love Will Come Through.
Have you spoken to Travis about that?
Haven't.
No.
Do you think they've approved that?
Yes.
Yeah.
They support the post office.
It's a sort of old British institution, isn't it, that should be supported.
It's under threat by the technology of email and Blueberry and all that sort of thing.
Blueberry's a handheld email device, Adam.
revealing yourself to be living in the past there.
But Blueberry, yeah, it's a handheld email device.
It's threatening the monopoly of the post office.
So anyway, they've got this new campaign which shows very cuddly-looking postmen, right, in difficult weather situations delivering actual words to people.
And do you remember what sort of words they're delivering?
It's stuff like happiness and, you know, gift.
Right.
And... It's not froth.
It's not words like froth.
It's not words like letter bomb.
Yeah.
They've avoided letter bombs.
Or anthrax.
They've avoided anthrax.
They've avoided just the word hate.
Yeah.
Hate mail.
Oh, that's not very nice.
Or junk.
Uh huh.
You know.
Or yeah, bills.
I just thought it would be a more, this is my point, I think it would be a better, a more realistic advert for the post office if they had some words that represented the rubbish that you do actually get through your door.
Which isn't necessarily letter bombs, anthrax and hate mail.
Unless, you know, you're a neo-nazi.
However, it is pizza pizza.
Well, they don't tend to post though.
Well, they post them, but the Royal Mail don't post them today.
Not I'm not saying actual pizzas, but you know, like leaflets for pizza delivery companies like sample of Tilda Rizzazz.
Hey, did you get some of that?
Yeah.
Why didn't they have why did they carry a big the word sample of Tilda Rizzazz?
How come you got some of that?
I thought it was just me because I'm part of the... Because we shop at Sainsbury's and we've got Nectar cards.
Right, so listen, if you don't have a Nectar card and you don't shop at Sainsbury's, let us explain.
We got, like, a package.
It was so exciting, it was in a jiffy bag and everything.
Yeah, yeah.
And, you know, I don't often get... A free sample of Tilda Rizzazz.
And it was really heavy and I thought, what's this?
Someone sent me an exciting thing, I can't believe it.
And it was, yeah, it was like a bag of rice, basically, from Sainsbury's, Tilda Rizzazz.
Sounds like someone's name, doesn't it?
And it was quite a lot.
It was about four portions worth.
I think she is on reception at my dentist.
Tilda Rizaz?
Yeah.
Is she nice?
She's spicy.
Oh.
Anyway, I ate it.
Did you eat yours?
I didn't eat mine, no.
Did you chuck it away?
No, it's been thrown around.
I try and give it to everybody who comes around.
And it went in the bin.
You should eat it, man.
It's delicious.
You can't waste rice.
I wonder if there's an advert for Tilda Rizaz in this ad break.
Hey, yeah, let's find out.
Snow Patrol there with Run.
Are you a fan of Snow Patrol, Adam?
Yeah, they're pretty inoffensive, aren't they?
They're nice, I think.
It's got a terrible album cover.
What's the cover?
It's like two people, sort of a man and a woman.
Sounds good so far.
Dressed up in kind of snow gear.
But it's just very lazy Photoshop job, anyway.
It's very nondescript and you think, wow, this is a big band with a big album, you know.
Could they not have pulled out the stops a bit more on the album cover?
Disappointing album cover design, but hey, let's not judge an album by the cover, Adam.
Well, exactly, because it's great stuff as you just heard.
Yeah.
Okay.
Now, we've both been watching the same film recently, haven't we?
Adam and I both have problems.
We've both got multi-region DVD players and a small amount of disposable income.
So like many of you out there, you know, we get American films on DVD and watch them.
And sometimes we find ourselves wasting money on movies that we really shouldn't be buying.
Really bad movies.
And to add insult to injury.
You didn't buy that, did you?
Let's talk about that later.
To add insult to injury, we often find ourselves both paying about 30 quid for the same rubbish film, even though we live two streets away from each other.
Could perfectly easily just swap one copy.
So the latest manifestation of this is Ron Howard's film The Missing.
Now this has got some very positive reviews.
In the Sunday Times supplement they say it's a classic modern western.
So I got quite excited about them missing.
It cost me just under £30.
I projected it in its correct aspect ratio on my wall.
I sat down, you know, snacks, everything, curtains all closed.
Perfect.
I thought this is going to be a classic modern western.
Fantastic.
And once I've finished watching the film, which is a good 137 minutes long, I'll be able to put in Disc 2 and find out
all about the making of it and see the short films of Ron Howard, which was also on the disc.
I've never been so bored in my entire life.
I thought it was, it's one of those films that is so bad it almost doesn't exist.
From the first frame you just think about something else and an hour later you realise you've just thought about everything in your life, your relationships, how you might rearrange your room, what you're doing for the next couple of weeks, what you're going to have for dinner.
They might as well have not bothered actually exposing any film.
I thought it was a complete and utter waste of time.
Did you watch to the end?
Yes.
Did you really?
Yes.
Hey, come on, that's not a waste of time.
Then you made it to the end.
So you watched it as well, did you?
Yeah, well listen, I made it to the end too.
So that means that it's better than almost 80% of some of the other DVDs I've read.
It's like a meditation aid.
Yeah.
It's like one of those DVDs of a roaring fire or a fish tank.
Well, it's like a TV movie.
Basically, the plot of this thing is a net... No, it's Cate Blanket, isn't it?
Cate Blanket and Tom Jones.
Blanket and Tom Jones.
They're living out there... Not unusual.
In the blasted waste.
To have his daughter kidnapped by engines.
Yeah, there you go.
So, Cate Blanket's daughter gets kidnapped by engines.
Her long-lost dad, Tommy Lee Jones.
Well, the first thing they do wrong is there's two daughters.
One is the cutest little blonde moppet you've ever seen.
And I immediately thought, kidnap her?
Yeah.
The other's a stroppy teenager.
They kidnapped the stroppy teenager.
Who cares?
Well, it's like boot camp thing.
Brat camp.
Oh, that's another conversation.
Yeah, but you know, you want to kidnap the teenager because she's stroppy.
Do you know what this is leading to?
What?
They should put... Brat camp's better than the missing.
Brat camp is Channel 4's teenage... Posh teenage kids go to a boot camp in America.
I want... After an hour, I want more brat camp.
I could do with a feature-length brat camp.
Because the problem with contemporary television is they keep reminding you about last week and next week,
and there's only a tiny percentage of actual new material in each episode.
So if they just turned Brat Camp into a feature and turned Missing into a TV film, everything would be right in the world.
Yeah.
Did you not enjoy anything about Missing whatsoever?
Nope.
Nothing?
Nope.
It was quite sedate, I'll give you that much.
It was so boring.
And it was very over-long.
But as a TV movie, I didn't think it was so bad.
It was like the world's most boring episode of Little House on the Prairie.
Hey, well, do you know what the Missing is very much like?
What?
And was received in a similar way too, if that makes sense.
Open range.
Have you seen that?
I've got that boy.
Went out and...
That's had very good reviews.
Classic Modern Western.
A masterpiece.
Four stars across the board.
So, is it not?
No, it's not.
Is it worse than The Missing?
I would say it's the same.
The same as The Missing?
It passes, you know, two hours, two and a half hours, much too long, basically.
And it's pretty good.
I love Robert Duval.
Anything that Robert Duval does, he's a bit like... Well, I'm confused now.
You're saying it's good.
It's the same as The Missing.
I didn't mind The Missing.
Oh dear.
I didn't mind it.
You've got to ask more from life, Adam.
Well, there's times when you just want to be happily bored.
Yeah.
And I was happily bored in The Missing and pretty happily bored in... You know what I think we should do?
What?
I think next week we should both bring in our copies of The Missing.
Yeah.
And we should give them away to somebody who can think of the best thing to do with two copies of The Missing.
Not just one, but two.
Right, and if you can take a picture of yourself doing what you've done, obviously we want something dirty to be done with them, really.
Not necessarily dirty, but email us, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
We'll check up on these next week if you can think of something brilliant to do with two copies of The Missing.
I prefer something dirty.
You know, that would really make me freak out!
This is Adam and Joe on XFM here until three o'clock and now it's time for celebrity regression.
This is our competition segment of the show where I, as a trained hypnotherapist, am going to regress Adam back to a previous life in which he was a major film star.
Is that correct, Adam?
Yeah, can I just say you're not trained, are you?
I'm not trained, no, but it's just creating an illusion.
Yeah, but that's just a lie.
Man, hypnotherapy isn't a proper, you can't, you know, it's not, people don't get lied to, any old idiot can do it.
Have you seen This Morning with Phil and Fern?
Fair enough.
So I am a fully trained hypnotherapist.
And I'm going to regress, Adam, back to previous life.
All you have to do is guess what film star Adam is and what life stroke film he's experiencing all around him.
When you hear it happen, it's amazingly vivid and real.
So stand by your phones.
The numbers 08700, 800, 1234.
You could win an XFM goody bag, a mystery goody bag.
Who knows what'll be in it, but it'll be amazing.
OK, let's have the time to treat music.
And just take a deep breath all the way in and let it out slowly.
Listen as you can do this too.
Breathe in through your mouth.
No, no.
Breathe in through your nose.
I'm confused.
And breathe out through your mouth.
Mouth.
It's not your mouth, is it Adam?
A long slow breath.
I'm moving.
Even further back.
Did you say don't back?
Let's move on.
No, even further back.
Back to a previous life.
A previous life.
And wake up, Adam.
You are now in a previous life, tell me.
What can you see?
I can see a grey room.
It's my quarters.
here where I work.
Oh, I'm stressed out.
Tired and stressed out, but that's what it's like when you're the chief of security and you've got a dead body on your hands.
Not literally on your hands, obviously that would be repulsive, just a dead body to deal with.
The weird thing is that the closer I get to finding out who's responsible for the murder, the more hassle I get from the guy that runs this place.
It's almost as if he doesn't want me to solve this case at all for some reason.
But why?
Why, for God's sake, tell me why!
Okay, just relax, Helen.
Just relax.
It's important here that the subject doesn't feel too emotionally involved in the previous life.
Just breathe, Adam.
I want you to go back even further.
Drift back.
Back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back.
Into a previous life.
And what can you see?
A court.
A courtroom or a lecture theatre?
Oh, it's a lecture theatre.
Yes, I'm a Harvard Law Professor.
I was giving a lecture here yesterday about capital punishment, and then an old black lady approached me and begged me to take up the case of her son, who was on death row for murdering a white woman.
Because it happened down south, I suspected racism, and despite not having practiced law for 25 years, I agreed to take up the case.
Discovering the truth has been proving very difficult.
because a Bible-spouting inmate and a brutal police officer who convicted the condemned man have been leading me down blind alleys and treacherous waters.
Okay, just stay calm, Adam.
These previous lives are extraordinarily dramatic.
Just stay calm, breathe deeply.
Breathe in, through your nose out, through your mouth in, see the lungs.
Sorry.
Okay, and I'm going to take you back one final stage.
Listen very closely, listeners.
087008001234 is the number if you can guess whose life which star Adam is being regressed into.
And back, back, back, Adam, back, far back into the dim and distant past.
Wake up, what do you see?
Excuse me, I'm a shadowy figure.
a legendary cop from a special liaison unit here in Los Angeles.
I've been called in on this case because I'm an expert in Japanese culture, although I clearly know bugger all about Japanese culture.
Still, that doesn't stop me banging on about it in a slightly racist way about the mysterious thought processes of the Japanese mind.
And I'm going to be doing a lot of that because there's been a murder involving Japanese people.
That's why they've called me in, because I'm a Japanese people expert.
For example, we got a lead today, and my partner was all excited about it, but as I told him, with the Japanese, when something looks too good to be true, it's not true.
Oh, that's very true.
Everything we've been told might be true, but the question is, why are we being told it?
It's rubbish, of course, but if you say it seriously enough, even with my ludicrous accent, people seem to believe it.
Just relax, Adam, okay?
I think to take Adam back any further would be dangerous.
It's time for you guys to pick up the phone, 08700-800-1234.
If you can guess whose life Adam was being repressed into, you could win the most extraordinary goodie pack.
We'll be coming to the lines right after this.
No!
Hello, Jason.
Now just keep your voice nice and soft.
We are in a hypnotic trance state in the studio.
OK.
Yeah, just stay calm, Jason.
OK?
Just chill your voice, because it could damage Adam's fragile psychology if you frighten him in any way.
I'd just like you now to say the name of the actor who you think Adam is.
If you're correct, Adam will wake up out of his trance.
If you're not correct, he will stay on there.
Jason, say the name now.
Sean Connery.
How did you get that you jammer?
You got that first time, that's unprecedented.
That's never happened before in the history of celebrity- So what were the films then Jason if you're so clever?
Well, um, I think one of them was that one about the cop that goes to Japan, Rising Sun?
Correct.
Yes, that's right.
And did you get any of the other ones?
I didn't know the other one was, no.
You mentioned he had a funny voice and stuff, and there aren't any actors that, uh, he's got a very funny voice of Sean, hasn't he?
Yes, that's correct.
I can tell you're a film buff, Jason.
Well, I've seen him.
Yeah, you've seen a film.
You've seen those films.
I've seen those films.
Jason, thank you very much for calling.
You're going to win a fantastic XFM goodie bag.
That was a terrific regression.
Adam, well done.
Thanks very much.
Well, can I just say that even though Jason didn't get them, the other films, of course, were Outland.
Of course.
That's a brilliant film, incidentally, if you haven't seen it.
That's one of Sean's best.
The space station people are being murdered.
You know what?
makes Outland really good, or what made it really good at the time?
Well, it was a double A, so you could get in if you were 15 and it had people's heads exploding.
It was sort of like a junior scanner.
Stephen Berkoff's in it, what more could you ask for?
And the other film was of course Just Cause.
Sean Connery plays a Harvard Law professor, hasn't worked for 25 years, and he goes in to try the case of Blair Underwood from L.A.
Law, who plays this guy, and I think there's a boring twist, and it's a dreadful film.
Well, why did you... Well, you've seen Just Cause, haven't you?
I certainly have.
You see, that, to me, is beyond the line I draw in the sand.
Really?
Yeah.
I like stuff like that, you see.
I like drama.
Yeah, two of my least favourite words in movies.
Draw and mar.
No, just or cause.
Oh.
Gotta be bad.
Just married.
The Santa Claus.
Yeah, I love it.
Anyway, let's get on.
We've got a whole other hour of excitement here on XFM.
You're listening to Adam and Joe.
That was Franz Ferdinand and Take Me Out.
Very good album, very nice boys.
Adam, I hear you've got some local crime news for the listeners.
This is crime news from the west coast of America sent to me on my email hotline by my auntie who lives out in Santa Barbara.
and she sent me this news about the latest techniques in carjacking.
Now is this a mad lady?
Does she correspond with you regularly?
She sends me a lot of like funny signs, road signs.
OK, so you're on her joke email list?
Yeah.
Do you know what, though?
Every time I get one, my heart slightly sinks, because I think, oh, well, I'll have tea.
But then every time I look at them, they are pretty funny.
OK.
Anyway.
Well, let's hit us with the car.
These are tips on how not to get carjacked.
Well, this is not funny, though.
This is the first one I've got from her that is just serious.
OK, let's hear.
Because apparently, this is what they're doing out in California right now.
It's a new technique the carjackers are using.
So here you are.
Put yourself in this situation.
You walk across the parking lot.
That's what we call a car park in America.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Of course.
Oh, the crafty bugger.
Ooh!
I didn't even switch the agent off.
Having written something on the piece of paper, so you're left holding the piece of paper.
Probably something like... Says, you've been carjacked, sucker.
Yeah, sucka.
Spell it.
A-H.
S-U-K-K-K-A-H.
S-U-K-K-K-A-H?
Yeah, it's the deep south.
There's no messing with these guys.
So that's what's happening, and basically she was circulating the email just to... You know what, the other thing is that everyone has a technique.
If someone sticks a pamphlet under your windscreen wiper, you obviously, if it's the front window, you don't bother with it.
You drive forward, you undo your passenger window, you turn on the windscreen wipers, then every time they go to the right,
You reach out and try and grab it while driving.
Isn't that what you do?
It's dangerous, but it gets the job done and it means you don't get carjacked.
Similarly, if you've got a pamphlet under your rear windscreen wiper, you just do the same.
What do you mean do the same?
You squirt some water, you press the button, squirt the water to clean the back windscreen, turn the windscreen wiper on, pretty soon it dissolves into mush, and you clean it off the back window.
Bish, bash, bosh, you've avoided being carjacked.
You haven't avoided being carjacked.
Your auntie is a thickie.
She's a thickie.
This is like, it's more like a piece of plywood than paper.
Really?
And you're not gonna dissolve it with a couple of squirts in the rear.
I'm so wrong.
You are so wrong.
I'm so wrong.
Try and get into the mind of a carjacker for two seconds.
I'm trying to get into the mind of your paranoid auntie living in her gated community in Fresno or wherever it is.
Anyway, she got anything else?
She doesn't live in a gated community.
Yeah she does.
Come on, next.
She doesn't!
Sorry, I'm late!
She lives in Santa Barbara, she's really nice and she just tried to warn you about carjacking and now you're being all snooty about it.
Let's have the next bit of advice.
There's no more advice.
Is that it?
That's the latest thing.
She's telling you about the scenario so you can avoid it.
I'd tell you a better way to carjack someone.
What?
Right.
Well, don't bother with the pamphlet.
Basically just get a gun and threaten them.
Yeah, that's really funny, Joe.
Yeah, that's really funny.
You know what?
I hope you get carjacked.
You know what?
I was.
Good.
When?
About two years ago.
When was that?
You know perfectly well, I told you.
Oh yeah!
And they didn't even have to put paper under your window.
No, they just said, excuse me, can I have your car?
I said yes, you certainly can.
I'm off, bye!
Insurance will take care of it.
Please don't hurt me!
Well, there you go.
I was gonna say I'm never gonna give you advice on carjacking again, but I don't have to.
No, you know what?
I bet this saves somebody's life.
I bet next week someone will say, I went to my car, there's a bit of plywood under the rear windscreen wiper, I immediately knew it was Adam's granny's carjack thing, and thank God I'm alive!
If I've saved one life, then I'm happy.
It'll be worth it.
It's true, isn't it?
I'm just sorry I couldn't get to your car in time, man.
you
You're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9.
We're with you until three and I'd just like to talk about a commercial I saw on TV this week.
You know the sound was down because I tend to turn the sound off during the commercials so I can think about the program I've just watched.
I believe that actually.
But it is true.
I know.
So basically, the sound's off, and I'm watching telly, and there's a shower, a normal household shower, and dancing around the shower is Satan.
A little animated Satan.
Satan, the devil, Beelzebub, jumping around the shower, from the shower head to the shower fitting on the floor.
Satan pops up in a lot of ads.
Well, it rather took me by surprise, I thought.
Walkers, crisps, heartburn.
Satan is true, Satan.
Anyway, so Satan's hopping around the shower, and this woman leans in, and, oh look, Satan's in my shower.
My shower is possessed by Satan.
So she gets out this bottle of stuff that is called, I think it's called Limelight.
Cleverly referencing lime, the fruit, and Limelight, the thing that famous people stand in.
Yes, that's right.
Clamorous, yet fruity, and cleansing for your housewife, who aspires to be a star.
Never will be.
Yeah, that's the only limelight you're going to stand in, that kind of thing.
Yeah, you dried up old prune.
Drying up prune wife woman.
Drying up.
So she squirts a couple of squirts of limelight and lo and behold it gets rid of Satan.
So I thought this is a really good product, it basically gets rid of Satan.
and it's some sort of exorcism.
I don't think it gets rid of all evil, though, does it?
Well, the sound was down, so I don't know the full deal, but it appeared to me that if Satan is in your house, dancing around your shower, then you can get rid of him with a couple of squirts of limelight.
Are you sure it was Satan and not a demon?
Because that's a very different thing.
If it's a demon, then... How do you tell the difference between Satan and a demon?
Well, I would say Satan generally would be much bigger, someone like Tim Curry in legend.
Yeah, this was a cartoon.
That's a demon.
It was an animated Satan.
Well, that's a demon.
How do you know?
Because it's tiny, it's animated, that wouldn't be Satan.
But it had horns and a tail and legs and a calf.
They all do, the demons do too.
OK, but it's just as bad to have your shower possessed by Satan as a demon, isn't it?
No, it's not, because if it was Satan, it would take more than limelight to get rid of it.
You know what I'd like to see?
I'd like to see, like, a remake of The Exorcist, and what's-her-face, the girl, Linda Barker, or whatever she's called, gets possessed.
And this woman just leans in with the limelight, couple of squirts in the face, bish, bash, bosh, film's over.
Yeah, well I'm just thinking about Linda Barker being possessed now, her head's spinning round.
I think Linda Barker is possessed.
And she's got those scissors.
She's dangerous.
So you were saying that Satan appears in a lot of ads?
Yeah, he pops up in the Heartburn ad.
Because obviously he's the Lord of Heat.
That's the thing is that Satan does so many bad things that... He's responsible for all evil.
And do you think it's right that, you know, Satan, the Lord of Darkness, the most evil incarnate, should be, you know, such a popular figure in advertising?
Especially as we approach the Easter weekend.
Well, yeah, but he's the personification of evil.
And there are many products that seek to banish evil in one way or another, so advertisers... Yeah, but a scummy build-up in the shower isn't evil.
Hi, I'm glad you think so.
You know?
Fair enough.
I'm glad you think so.
Fair enough.
That's all I have to say.
That is the personification of evil.
Hey, you know what?
They say God is in the details.
The devil is in the... details.
I think you'll find devil... People don't say God is in the details.
Yeah, they do.
They say the devil is in the details.
Do they?
Not lunatic.
No, the phrase is God is in the details.
Joe Cornish, you are so mad.
Listeners, would you like to phone in and set him straight?
The devil is in the details.
Don't bother phoning in.
I'll tell him right now.
Joe, the devil is in the details.
Yeah, yeah, fantastic.
Classic music here on XFN.
This is Adam and Joe.
We're not actually gonna say anything of any real value right now.
It's more of a generic link, isn't it, Joe?
It is a generic link, so no content at all, just these adverts.
That's the White Stripes.
There's no home for you here.
You're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
It's time now for our lazy reviews.
Yeah, this week I didn't bother going to see Mona Lisa's smile.
It's been out for a few weeks and I've been thinking, man, you really shouldn't go and see that.
It's about time you didn't go and see that, because it won't be showing in a while.
So, true to my word, I didn't go and see it.
And I found it really very derivative and disappointing.
It was beautifully photographed.
But it was just a female version of dead poet society.
You know, Julia Roberts wearing tweed, smiling a lot, cycling through beautiful campuses.
And I thought that, you know, it was really very, very predictable indeed.
A gaggle of young girls, shy one, promiscuous one, brainiac, all learning to be themselves.
You know, typical sort of stuff.
Corrupt Headmaster probably, not sure, didn't see it.
But there's probably a Corrupt Headmaster who got exposed by the girls.
And then, I guess, they all jumped up and down on their beds while 50's music was playing at the end or something.
I didn't see it, I thought it was rubbish.
And I'd recommend you didn't see it as well.
Very disappointing.
Mike Newell, you know, director of four weddings and a funeral.
Really gone downhill.
Mona Lisa smiled, didn't see it, didn't like it.
Don't go see it.
Hmm.
I thought it was Mike Nickels.
I don't know.
Could be Mike Newell, could be Mike Nickels.
Who knows?
I don't because I didn't see it either.
But that sounds great and I won't be going along to see that one.
This week I finally got round to not seeing football as wives.
Now people have been talking about this show for ages.
Everybody's talking about it.
Yeah, I can't believe it's
taken me so long to actually watch it but this week at long last I didn't.
Now if like me you've never seen a single episode then let me just tell you quickly that it's a totally kind of over-the-top gloriously trashy kind of soap in the in the style of Dynasty or Falcon Crest except that it revolves around the lives of the women married to or simply performing oral favors on Premier League footballers.
Now don't be put off
if you know nothing about football or wives or balls or feet or feet balls because this is just priceless stuff.
I mean, absolutely great.
Brimming with bitching, bad taste and botox.
Wow.
Gosh.
I mean, you've inspired me not to watch it as well.
I can't wait to not see it.
Cos as you say everyone's been talking about it and I've frankly been in a pickle cos I've got no opinion on it but now I won't see it and I'll be able to join in.
You've really sold Footballers Wives, at last I can feel part of the crowd by having an opinion.
This week I also didn't go and see The Station Agent so I thought I'd let you know what it was like.
Oh, I haven't seen that either.
Really?
When did you not see it?
I didn't see it last week.
Really?
Which screening?
I didn't see the 545 at the ODMS square.
Didn't you?
I didn't see exactly the same screening.
Oh, really?
We might have not seen each other there.
No, I didn't see you there.
Wow.
Anyway, so I didn't see it and I thought it was fantastic.
So did I. I thought it was amazing.
I mean, I really didn't expect it to be any good.
I thought, how can a film about trains and a dwarf be any good?
But then I didn't see it and I thought it was fantastic.
What a surprise.
What a charmer.
Yeah, I didn't even know there was a dwarf in it because I hadn't seen it.
What a surprise hit.
Yeah.
Oh, I knew there was a dwarf in it because, well, he's sitting down on the poster, but, you know, you can tell by the length of his legs that his feet are on a box.
It's triumphant.
It's a triumphant new comedy.
Everyone's talking about it.
Hilarious touching.
Genuinely affecting.
I didn't see it.
I've just read this off the poster.
It was beautifully made.
Comic drama.
Charming humorous.
Uplifting.
Refreshingly unsentimental.
Funny and poignant.
And having, you know, it's just terrific.
I haven't seen it.
Brilliant.
Love it.
Oh, I agree wholeheartedly.
The performances were terrific.
It's a real heart warmer.
I'd give it 9 out of 10 if I'd seen it.
You know what I like the most about The Station Agent, having not seen it?
What?
is that it's got those green plastic garden chairs on the poster.
Like lawn dogs.
There's nowhere in the world you can go without finding a green plastic garden chair of exactly the design that's on the station agent.
Oh, the dark green ones?
Yeah.
Yeah, that you get at weddings and stuff.
Yeah.
They're all over the world.
They're the most successful garden chair design in the world.
They're nice to sit on because they bend and flex as you lean back on them.
I just think it's great that finally they've made it into the movies.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9.
Now for the last few weeks we've been asking you to send in your rock raps.
It was Adam and my observation that the majority of rock music should basically have a rap in it in the instrumental break.
and Adam's been supplying some rock raps, haven't you, to inspire the listeners?
That's right, in the style of Dizzy Rascal, my alter-ego Scallywag has been doing some rapping and I have another short rap for you this week as well.
Scallywag has a rap?
Scallywag does, yes.
and Scallywag this week has been rapping over Fountains of Wain's Stacey's Wrong.
He's very prolific, Scallywag.
He loves his rock music and his rapping.
Yeah.
And yes, he is.
Where does he live, Scallywag?
On the streets.
On the streets?
Actually, on the streets.
In a kind of estate.
On an estate?
Yeah.
On near an estate.
Yeah.
Okay, well let's hear Scallywag's offering this week over Stacey's Mom by Fountains of Wain.
What is your malfunction, man?
I see Stacey Mark and that woman is a man.
She looks like a cross between Larry Turner and one of the mentors on Trisha or Jerry Springer.
That woman is fat!
And I don't mean P-H-A-T.
If you've got the intention of banging a pensioner, that's disgusting, man!
Stay away from her!
I'm sorry.
Wow!
Scallywag's going from strength to strength, I feel, every week.
I wasn't sure about that when Scallywag presented it to me, actually.
I thought maybe it was a little sexist.
So every week you have a sort of liaison with Scallywag?
Maybe what, in sort of like a drug dealer, like in a flat, burnt out flat on this estate, and you get the latest hot white label off Scallywag?
Exactly, yeah.
Scallywag gives me Dagood's and I run away before Scallywag hits me.
So, you know, send us your rap-raps and you will be amply rewarded, cos frankly there's not a lot of entries.
So if you're halfway decent you will get on the radio, you'll probably get into the studio for the live 8 Mile style rap-off.
Wow!
If you actually want to send us a finished CD or tape or whatever as well, the address to send your raps to is xfm30lestersquarewc2h7la and that's the address for all correspondence that can't be put through electronic.
Or you can type your lyrics into an email, send it to us adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
Yeah, so there we go.
It's all there for you.
All you have to do is reach out and take it, listener.
xfm
It's the A, the J. Everything's OK.
We're broadcasting live here on a Saturday.
It's the XFM.
I'm talking about them.
Wow, Adam.
That's amazing.
Did you write that?
Prepare that for the show?
No, I started freestyling when the song finished.
Really?
That just came out naturally?
Yeah, yeah.
That's amazing.
Could you not mention me in it?
I was going to.
Just take the J out.
That's amazing.
Just don't mention me.
You actually don't want to be mentioned.
Just don't do it on this show.
It's really good.
Don't do it on this show ever again.
Sorry.
OK?
Sorry.
That's right, it's Ditty's in the Dock time.
Ditty's in the Dock is the segment in the show where me and Adam battle to get one of our own chosen songs played on XFM, which is tightly, brilliantly and beautifully playlisted to ensure you get the music you want all the time.
But we're only allowed to play one song of our choice.
Adam, what are you voting for this week?
Okay, so this week...
I am going with some Randy Newman.
Who?
Randy Newman is known to viewers of animated films for his saccharine hits like You Got A Friend In Me and Toy Story and things like that.
And he basically supplies all those We're Friends songs for his animated Disney films.
But of course he had a brilliant career in his own right, still does, as a composer of very bittersweet songs that seem to be coming on all sweetness and light, but actually have a very dark underbelly.
And this is a good case in point.
It's called I Love L.A.
and it was on a lot of
films and in the 80s i remember pouring scorn on it when it used to turn up in films because it did turn up in a lot and it was used quite stupidly for just a kind of dopey celebratory la montage but it's really sarky but it's very sarky all about how la of course is in many ways quite a rotten place
But it's a great tune nevertheless, and you can kind of, even though it's sort of grumpy, it's very uplifting.
Anyway, I'm going for I Love LA by Randy Newman.
Okay, good choice Adam, good choice, but I think you can resign yourself to a defeat when I announce that this week I've chosen David Bowie with the song from the soundtrack of the film.
What was it?
Don't tell me it's Labyrinth.
Labyrinth, that's correct.
And the song is called Underground.
It's a terrific song all about little puppet creatures that live underground.
Similar to Fraggle Rock, but more adult and dark.
Bowie plays the Goblin King.
Is this your special remix of it that you did?
No, I did do a remix of this when I was at school using my tape recorder.
It wasn't very good.
Just repeated the first bit over and over again.
That sort of thing.
But no, this is the actual Bowie's actual recording of Underground.
It's a terrific track.
It's sort of, what is it?
Is it gospel-y or salsary?
Come on, you know this as well as I do.
It's got a gospel feel, hasn't it, to the chorus?
And then the verse is classic Bowie, you know, meaningful lyrics, sung like an important businessman on the way to an important meeting, produced by, I don't know, some guy.
Trust me.
Come on underground by David Bowie from the soundtrack to labyrinth great film great track got a win cool Oh, oh eight seven hundred eight hundred one two three four is the number to call oh eight seven hundred eight hundred one two three four We're gonna have to five right yes best of five all we want to hear from you is Bowie or Randy Newman Bowie or Randy
Bowie or Randy, just one word.
Those are the words that you have to remember.
And we will find out who's gonna win after this.
You're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
We're reaching the closing moments of our show, and that means the final of Ditty's in the Dock.
Adam and I get one free play each week.
There's two of us, so we have to decide which of our choices to play.
In fact, you decide.
We've got five callers on the line.
They're going to vote for either David Bowie with Underground from the soundtrack of Labyrinth,
basically it's gonna win or Adams track that's probably gonna lose Randy Newman with I love LA so five callers on the line lined up we're not gonna chat to you we're just gonna ask you to say either Bowie or Newman best of five let's start with Scott hello Scott what are you voting for
Thank you, Scott.
That's one for Bowie.
Well-voted, intelligent man.
Now let's go to Lisa.
Lisa, who's your vote?
Bowie or Newman?
Newman.
Yes, thank you very much, Lisa.
1-0.
Tense stuff.
Let's go to Andrew.
Andrew, is it going to be Bowie or Newman?
It's got to be Bowie.
Andrew, well done.
So that is Bowie with Underground in the lead.
Newman being crushed into the dirt.
One more for Bowie and Newman gets it in the next.
Come on, you people, what are you thinking about?
Randy Newman, classic songwriter versus Bowie, also classic songwriter with terrible song.
OK, caller number four, Ella, is it Bowie or Newman?
Newman.
Oh, it's neck and neck.
Extraordinary stuff.
Two for Newman, two for Bowie.
So the deciding vote, ladies and gentlemen, it's very tense.
Catherine, do you vote for Bowie or Newman?
Bowie or Newman?
No!
Catherine!
Catherine, what are you doing?
You've robbed London of the sounds of the underground.
Oh, the Muppets have been taken away from the Muppets.
the kiddies next week I will I will get underground by burying somewhere we have to leave you now thanks very much for listening we hope you've enjoyed the show this week we're gonna play you out with your choice right yeah this is Randy Newman I love LA and you better not fade it out before the end you freak Brian we'll see you next week
Roll down the weather, put down the top, crank up the beach for a minute Don't let the music stop you, we're gonna ride it till we just can't ride it no more
I love L.A.
Look at that mountain.
Look at those trees.
Look at that bum over there, man.
He's down on his knees.
Look at these women.
Ain't nothin' like them nowhere.
Century Boulevard.
We love it!
Century Boulevard.
We love it!
Santa Monica Boulevard.
We love it!
This street!
We love it!
Keep going!
Thanks FM.