And before that you heard Muse with Hysteria.
This is Adam Buxton.
This is Joe Cornish.
Coming up in the next two hours, music from Atomic Kitten, Will Young, Blue, Busted, McFly, Jimmy the Hoover, Hazy Fantazy.
Slight playlist.
Wouldn't that be brilliant?
Yes.
Some of those are good.
I wouldn't mind hearing them.
You quite like McFly.
I quite like McFly.
Do you like McFly?
They're a bit ugly.
Yeah, we're not looking at them.
We're listening to them.
Well, they're supposed to be looked at, you know.
They, do you think they're more or less attractive than Busted?
Uh, well, less attractive.
In fact, I was watching The Saturday Show this morning, or whichever one of those kids shows Busted were on.
The Saturday Madhouse?
Yeah, there's Ministry of Mayhem and there's The Saturday Show.
And Busted were on one of them, and these two little girls, competition winners, they were both at about 11 or 10, they were tiny looking, had won the chance to have a date with Busted, and it was all slightly inappropriate because they were using the language of dating, and Busted are like, what, late 19, 20, 21 or something?
About 30. 35.
and the girls were 11 and so eventually they got through the patter and and the hostess went okay now uh but their boyfriend's gonna be very jealous because now busted are gonna give the girls a kiss and uh the little ginger girl charlie charlie from busted lent over to kiss the little ginger girl and she went for his mouth
Really?
And he went to the right, she went to the right, he went to the left, she went to the left.
And basically he had to take her head and move it to the one side and kiss her on the cheek.
But the little ginger 11 year old was gonna pop her tongue in his gob.
Really?
I don't know.
Are you sure it wasn't just a little awkward moment?
No.
She was lunging for the... She's going for the lips.
The busted gob.
Charlie gob.
The Charlie gob.
Anyway.
Coming up later in the show, we've got an excellent selection of music.
Unfortunately, no Jimmy the Hoover, but we do have music from Air, Franz Ferdinand, Travis Coldplay, The Bees, The Stills, a new one from Morrissey, all sorts of things.
As well, of course, as the chance to win exciting prizes.
Look, see, that's what it's done to Joe, and what has done that is Kill Bill tickets.
We've got tickets so you can go and see Kill Bill volume one and volume two at a special preview screening next week, next Thursday.
It's one of those previews that's the night before it actually comes out.
Still, that's pretty good.
Yeah, it's one of those brilliant previews.
Yeah.
Have you seen Kill Bill 2?
Yes, I have.
Is it good?
Uh, yes it is.
I haven't even seen one yet.
Uh, I'll talk more about it later.
Ooh.
My screening.
That's something to look forward to, eh?
Teasing.
Tease more, tease more.
Uh, you naughty... puns.
That's it.
That's nice.
We've also got some regression therapy, celebrity regression therapy.
Quite an easy one this week, I think.
So if you want to get those Kill Bill tickets, then stay tuned for that.
As well, of course, as some lazy reviews.
Ditty's in the Docks.
Yeah, you can email us Adam and Joe at xfm.co.uk.
That's the word and, not an ampersand.
Or you can text us on 83936 if you've got any comments or complaints or contributions to the show.
Actually not complaints, because we just don't read them, we just delete them.
Yeah, what, you tailed off?
I tailed off.
You tailed off?
I tailed off.
Yeah.
I did, yeah.
I thought you was going somewhere and then you stopped.
No, no.
You was, it was, yes.
Let's play some music.
All right then.
Oh, I feel quite ill.
You're hungover, eh?
Yeah, we went to... Aparté.
Aparté.
We'll talk more about that after this one.
What's happened there, Brian?
Oh, you didn't tell me they all had things on them now.
It's all gone technical.
As, uh, Snow Patrol with a song called Chocolate.
Do you know, I'm so pathetic that just the word chocolate makes me slightly giggle.
Does it?
Yeah.
Well, that's good.
Well done.
I think that's good.
You should, uh, you know, take any opportunity to be happy.
Well, that's true, isn't it?
I noticed that we've got a song from Aqualung coming up very shortly.
I think the guy from Aqualung was at the party last night.
Partay?
Wasn't he?
I don't know.
I didn't notice that.
I think it was, yeah.
The guy from 80s Matchbox B-Line Disaster was there.
Yeah, a couple of them.
Hey, they were very nice.
They were really wasted.
I tell you what, they're the perfect rock and roll unit, as far as I'm concerned.
We should explain this party, though, to our good listeners.
There's gonna be a lot of name dropping, inevitably.
We should have a sound effect, really, shouldn't we, for name dropping?
Yeah.
Maybe Brian's got one.
He's moving around.
What's he doing?
But we went to a party last night, and it was the birthday party of Edgar Wright, who's the director of Shaun of the Dead.
Hooray!
The number one British zombie comedy movie.
Saved the British film industry.
Yeah.
And, aptly enough,
The party started at 7.30, it was a fashionable central London location, and it finished what?
Well, I don't know, I left about half past 12.
Finished about 2.
By 11pm, the host of the party, Edgar Wright, was more drunk than I've ever seen anybody in my entire life.
Aptly enough, he was shuffling around like a zombie, with these amazing dilated pupils, as if he'd just drunk a whole bucket load of acid.
stumbling around, unable to speak.
In fact, he'd have fallen over if the party wasn't so packed that it was physically impossible to fall over.
Yeah.
And I feel like falling over now, actually.
You know what, I didn't drink.
Did you not?
Nope.
No, because you were driving.
I stayed stone cold sober and I feel excellent.
I feel worse than I've felt for about ten years, I think.
Oh well, let's drop some more names.
Well, I still don't know how to say this.
Walliams.
That's Brian.
That's a doorbell.
Doesn't sound like a name dropping.
Don't do that sound anymore, Brian.
No.
Thanks for doing it, man.
Thanks for making the effort.
Cheers, it's a good effort.
Well, I will do it one more time.
Okay, who else was there?
Uh, who else was there?
Oh, no, no, come on.
Martin Freeman from the office.
Martin Freeman.
Simon Pegg.
It just sounds like they're at the door.
Martin Freeman's here.
Who else?
Simon Pegg, various people from the League of Gentlemen.
In fact, one stage I went down to the toilet on the next floor down.
Yeah, because the one upstairs was so round.
They were unisex toilets, aren't they, there?
I think, I don't know.
Or was it just chaos?
It was just a free-for-all, yeah.
And there was a guy in the lobby on his mobile phone, and he was talking to his mate while he was having a whiz, and I come in and he goes, oh no, I've got to stop talking now, celebrity alert!
You must have been so happy.
I was so happy.
And then I said, you don't know who I am.
And he kept on going on about it, as if he was trying to flatter me, which he was.
And he's saying, oh, you'll never guess who's in here with me.
I can't talk.
I've got to go out.
I'll tell you all about it.
I was like, what?
Come on, you don't know who I am.
Sure enough, I finish my whiz and I go out and he's on the phone and he's going, oh, here he is again.
Here he is.
Hang on, hang on.
Sorry, who are you?
and uh he said which which one are you
It was just an anti-climax.
On a similar note, because before this partay, listeners, we had dinner with our friend from off of the telly, Louis Theroux.
The geek, the sexy geek.
Britain's sexiest geek, Louis Theroux.
And we both get quite upset because he gets recognized all the time by adults.
Adam and I occasionally get recognized by children or teenagers.
Louis gets recognized by grown-ups who actually think he's intelligent.
for some reason.
And so I was just walking down the street and I was thinking, this is going to be awful, any minute now someone's going to come up and hassle Louis.
But no!
Someone shouted, Adam!
Of me!
Joe!
That was all right!
That's half a result!
Exactly!
And Louis got completely ignored.
Yeah.
This is how pathetic you become when you've been on television for like a couple of weeks late at night.
This guy in the lobby said,
on the phone he was saying to his mate, oh, you should go, I've been upstairs at this place, you should see it, it's a celebrity turkey shoot.
Oh, good film.
Yeah, I thought, brilliant, I'm at a celebrity turkey shoot, it was excellent.
80s matchbox beeline disaster, I was saying, I just thought were brilliantly behaved, cos they were clearly out of their minds.
But really nice, it's like the more wasted they got, the nicer they got.
Yeah.
But being nice in quite a frightening way.
Yeah.
You know, like, just sort of really shaking hands quite firmly with you and really staring at you, like, going, All right, man, yeah.
You're brilliant.
Yeah, it's good to see you, man, yeah.
And he kept on, like, hanging off the side of this stairwell, in quite a frightening, like, he's gonna die any second, because he's on acid or something way, even though I'm sure he wasn't on acid.
But it looked as if there was gonna be a genuine AT Smashbox stairwell disaster any second.
Oh, what a night.
Right in the beginning.
What's this?
It's a song, isn't it?
There we go.
Aqua Lung.
Strange and beautiful.
You're listening to Adam and Joe.
Is that the name of the song, or is that your critique?
Both.
Oh, we're supposed to play ads now, isn't it, Brian?
You're not worried?
Tell you what, coming up in a second, folks, we've got some adverts.
Wicked!
Speaking of which... Oh, man, it's going pretty well.
My Segway joke.
Stop whispering, it's creepy.
OK, sorry.
Speaking of adverts, quite a lot of important ads at the moment on television that are playing with my brain in a very clever way.
Like what?
McDonald's.
Have you seen the McDonald's adverts?
What?
What's that?
I'm loving you.
Oh, okay.
Are they still doing the I'm loving it thing?
Yes, they paid Justin Timberlake a million pounds to just sing those I'm loving it.
Is that him singing it?
Yeah.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Seriously, you could get fired or food or something if you're wrong.
Yeah, it's Timbal Cake.
Definitely.
Anyway, you know there's a new campaign for McDonald's because they've introduced salads.
McDonald's is changing at them.
It's away with the old, you know, 80s, 90s image of McDonald's as a place that only does burgers and unhealthy food.
No, McDonald's is a contemporary restaurant serving salad.
That's right.
Well, presumably, I mean, they're not going to strike burgers from the menu, are they?
They're still going to be burgers.
No.
But what they're trying to do, I guess, is lure a new kind of customer that previously would never have set foot in McDonald's because, let's face it, a lot of the food there has no discernible nutritional value.
But, so you've got these new ads, and to make absolutely certain that the people they're targeting are paying attention, we are introduced in the adverts, not only to the new salads, but to three women who embody the new health-conscious McDonald's customer.
And so they say these are the salads, and then they say, and these girls are new to McDonald's as well.
Impatient Sophie, sensible Charlotte, and Joanna, who's always late.
So you think, you know, at this point, women all over the UK are sort of sitting up and saying,
Oh my gosh, Susannah's going there.
Yeah, I'm impatient, just like Sophie.
And I know someone a little bit like Joanna, who's always late.
And my best friend Sarah's quite, you know, sensible, like Charlotte.
And so immediately they think, well, I've got to go to McDonald's for a salad.
yes and when they get there it stinks and there's tramps and there's wee on the floor and they go oh why is suzannah coming here it stinks and there's wee and there's tramps and the food's like old dog turds in a bun what no yeah that's your opinion it's not a fact obviously
um well but then the whole notion is bizarre trying to tempt these people in it's a bit like um it's a bit like basically kind of a sex shop introducing a range of the women are available at mcdonald's well no i wasn't thinking of that aspect i was thinking that mcdonald's trying to lure people in with salads is like a sex shop stocking a range of disney films to try and get families in do you know what i mean it's like it's what's the point
Well, McDonald's are about to be stymied by this film.
I forget what its name is, but there's a documentary where a guy lived off McDonald's food for three months or something.
He ate nothing but McDonald's.
And the other thing was, every time they offered to supersize his meal, or offered him something extra, he had to take it.
Why are you saying supersize?
What's that?
Supersize is you say, I'd like some fries.
They go, well, supersize it, sir.
Or they go, well, you know what?
And you go, because you know, there's only like a 6p difference between an enormous bucket of fries and a thimble of fries.
Yeah.
Thereby tempting you to buy the bucket.
Got you.
So this guy lives off McDonald's for three months.
I wish I knew it was cool.
I'll find out during the next song.
And he basically almost dies.
And apparently this is a brilliant documentary and it's doing really well.
It's going to be distributed all over the world, therefore causing serious basically for any intelligent person.
Didn't we talk about this before?
I mean, that guy's...
Well, that's just silly, though.
I mean, that's like living off... If you live off only one thing, one type of food for three months, obviously you're gonna feel ill.
Whether it's McDonald's or anything, you know.
Shush.
My argument to that.
I hadn't thought of that.
Blink 182, I miss you.
Is Adam and Joe on XFM?
We're here till three.
You can text us.
83936 or email us, Adam and Joe on XFM.
So, can I just say, we'd prefer you emailed.
You know, we'd prefer you put in the thought.
I'm worried that texting is just too easy.
It's too easy, you know, and it tends to encourage people to abuse us.
Well, we've had some very nice texts, people pointing out that the film we were just talking about, about the guy that eats lots of McDonald's is called Super Size Me.
Right.
And the man that does it is called Morgan Spurlock or something.
But yeah, I think we have talked about that before, so let's not repeat ourselves.
Okay then.
We're talking about adverts though.
Another advert I've been enjoying is the Robinsons advert for their juice, you know.
Right.
What are you saying?
The ones where you put the juice in and it starts dancing.
Yes.
Now I can't be the only person who believes that these look like viscous wee.
It just looks like an advert for really orangey wee.
And it just looks like they've got a fish tank against a white wall and someone's had a wee in it.
and they've had an unhealthy meal the previous night and the wee is so full of active ingredients that it begins to dance.
So I'm sitting there with various friends and just going, ah, just dancing wee.
And it's also, someone else said it looks a bit like smoke, but the last thing it looks like is a tasty drink.
And so I think, well, that's clearly wee.
What happens in the next break?
But they do the blackcurrant one.
And that just looks like he's got some sort of urinary tract infection.
or a kidney, some sort of kidney failure in his weeing blood.
And it's dancing.
The hemoglobin is so active that the bloody wee is dancing.
So Robinson's, I just think that's a really highly misconceived advert.
Because it just makes it look like, I wish I could use the P word, but it makes it look like wee wee.
What's wrong with pee pee?
It just sounds like a sort of, it's a bit babyish.
Well... Wee-wee is a bit slightly more adult.
Anyway, let's not get... go off on this tangent.
Which B-word were you thinking of using, then?
You know, it sounds like hiss.
Oh!
It has got more edge to it.
But anyway, yeah, it's just an... I don't think it's a very well-thought-through advert to have dark dancing bloody urine.
Can I take the other side for a second and tell you that I... it hadn't crossed my mind that it was wee-wee.
Really?
Yeah.
I thought it was... Really?
I thought it was just dancing cordial.
Really?
And it was cheering me up, and Lisa Tarbuck, I think, does the voiceover.
Does she?
And she does a little giggle.
Ah.
Pour in some barley, bow orange barley, I can't speak.
But she does a giggle.
Well, I think it looks like we.
Listeners, who saw you on in this debate?
It's important debate.
Someone else thinks it looks like really thick smoke, you know, off of a really nasty rolly that maybe you picked up off the floor and you breathe it up in the air and it's all thick and nicotine-y and it seems to come to life.
Of course, the irony is that it's nothing real at all.
It's computer-generated, because if you did pour in the barley water for real...
It wouldn't do that.
It would sink to the bottom of the glass and- Wouldn't form the shape of a lady on a swing?
Or a couple in light summer dresses dancing?
Or a little doggy.
A little doggy?
I'm pretty sure it wouldn't.
Might momentarily.
Yeah, yeah.
Possibly.
Listen, coming up later in the show, we have a new rap for you.
We've been encouraging people to fill the gap with rap in their favourite rock songs, in the instrumental break we want them to rap over, and we've got quite a brilliant one.
We've had a sneaky preview of this week's.
It's extraordinary.
And I can tell you that it is both educational and entertaining, and I think we can play that maybe next, Brian.
What do you think?
Well, let's talk about it.
He's so cool.
It's an important decision.
He's not into the whole zoo radio thing.
He just keeps totally quiet, Brian, and just makes hand gestures.
It's brilliant.
Right now, his treat for you, it's the Ramones.
Ramones and beat on the brats.
Now it's time for this week's celebrity regression.
I'm going to regress Adam back into a previous life where he was a famous celebrity.
And you listeners can win a pair of tickets to a Kill Double Bill of volumes one and two of Kill Bill, happening I think this Thursday night at the Prince Charles.
If you can identify which celebrity Adam's life is being regressed into.
Adam, are you ready?
And what films?
He's recalling.
Yes, I'm ready.
Deep breath.
Okay.
Everybody listening as well, just take a deep breath, relax.
And I want you to drift back, drift back.
You're ten years old.
You're five years old, you're two years old, you're one year old.
You are a fetus.
And now I'm going to take you back, back, back, back, back into a previous life.
And you are in a... previous life.
Adam, open your eyes.
Adam, what can you see?
I can see pipes.
I'm in some kind of shit.
I'm angry my wife's turned up to take care of some business here at work, and she's already strutting around like she owns the place.
Now I can remember why we decided to separate.
She's so headstrong and opinionated and abrasive it makes me sick, but it also turns me on.
When she starts barking orders and making me look stupid in front of my crew and sticking her sexy pointy nose into everything, I just want to grab her frizzy hair and get down to some serious angry roughty.
But I can't, because I'm too angry and she's so annoying.
We should never have got married, what were we thinking?
Sorry, is this a film?
Yes.
Oh, okay.
Not personal.
No, no.
Okay, go on.
I'm aggressed.
Okay.
Oh, I'm gonna throw my ring down the toilet.
My wedding ring, that is.
Oh, what have I done?
Why did I do that?
That wasn't very sensible.
It was an expensive ring.
I'm going to try and get it out.
Oh, I hope whoever used this thing last flushed it properly.
Oh, they didn't.
Okay, just breathe.
Breathe, Adam.
Relax.
I'm going to take you further back, even further back, into a previous incarnation.
And open your eyes.
What can you see?
I'm in a big dark room.
I've got loads of computers and expensive bits of pointless equipment and ludicrously large TV screens all around.
But what am I doing here?
Well, I'm wearing a pathetic, floppy beret, so I assume I'm a director of some kind.
Because all directors wear berets, don't they?
I mean, should I have a megaphone as well?
No, no, okay, then.
I'll just have to make do with this microphone and these butons.
I wonder what these butons do.
Hey, look, they make it rain on the telly, and ooh, now they're making it all windy.
I feel powerful.
Maybe this is what God feels like.
Hang on, maybe that's the point of this film.
Oh wow, that's blowing my mind a little bit.
Okay, stop blowing my mind now.
Yeah, now I'm just quite bored.
Maybe I'll do some shouting.
I feel happier when I'm angry.
Haha, angry.
Okay, just relax.
I'm gonna take you out of that life.
That's a bit... maybe a bit too easy, that life.
I'm gonna take you back, back even further, into your final stage of deep, deep regression.
Open your eyes, what can you see?
Excuse me, I'm drunk.
I'm drunk and I'm angry.
I love being angry.
I think I do it really, really well.
I think I feel like painting.
Painting and shouting, shouting and painting.
Yes, they're my two favourite things.
And drinking.
Drinking, shouting, pointing and painting.
I'm gonna do a big mad painting, and I'm gonna get really drunk while I'm doing it.
Wow!
This painting looks like the color- color color?
I'm drunk, sorry.
The cover of a Stone Roses album.
I'm a genius!
Oh, right, I think it's finished now.
I'm gonna go and get- I'm gonna get really drunk, extra drunk, and I'm gonna do some more shouting, and perhaps some shoving and punching, and then I'm gonna fall over, and then I'm gonna have a drink.
I can't believe they're not going to give me an Oscar for all this.
Look at me!
I'm shouting and drinking and painting and pointing.
What more do you want?
OK, stay calm.
Stay calm, Adam.
Shouting?
Listeners, if you can identify the actor whose life Adam was being regressed into in the films he was being regressed into, call 08700-800-1234.
08700-800-1234.
A pair of tickets to a preview, a kill double bill, this Thursday for the winner.
08700-800-1234.
Adam and Joe on XFM.
London's 104.9.
We just regressed Adam back into a celebrity persona.
He is still deeply regressed.
And we have a caller on the line.
I think this regression might have been a bit too easy.
We've got a caller on the line.
Mike.
Mike, you there?
I am certainly here.
I'm floating Lisa with Joe.
Well done.
It's actually Adam.
Sorry, I knew it was the other one.
That's okay.
Often happens.
So, Mike, who do you think Adam was being regressed into?
I think it was Ed Harris.
Yes, it was!
He's woken out of his reverie.
That means you're right.
On what were the films, Mike?
Was it The Abyss?
Yes.
Correct.
When Ed Harris throws his ring in the lave because Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio is being annoying and he comes out with a blue hand because he wants to go back after the ring.
That's the one.
The second one's The Truman Show.
That's right, where he plays a ludicrous director with a beret.
That was the one that gave it away for me, I mean.
The final one's Pollock.
Pollock, which I haven't even seen, but I just assume there's a lot of shouting and drinking in it.
It's a corker, though.
It's a corker, is it?
It is, certainly, yeah.
Wow.
Have you seen it, Mike?
Yeah, I have actually, yeah, and it is really good.
Yeah.
Well, Mike, and it does have shouting and drinking.
A little bit, but yeah, it's fun anyway.
Okay, good.
And Mike, you're available to see the Kill Double Bill on Thursday evening at the Prince Charles?
I should move all plans, so yes.
Yeah, so have you seen Volume 1?
Yeah, I did actually, I did enjoy it, yes.
Good, because lots of people hate it.
I know, I know, I kinda liked it though, I kinda liked it.
I liked it too, and it's really good seeing them both together, I did it last week, you'll have a terrific, terrific time.
Thank you.
Thanks for calling, Mike.
That's alright.
Bye-bye.
See ya, bye.
Ah, I like the sound of Mike.
I'm glad he won.
Yeah, he's seen all three films.
Yeah.
He's our kind of guy.
Yeah.
That was too easy, though, wasn't it?
It was too easy, Adam Buxton.
I tell you, it was The Truman Show.
It was The Truman Show.
That gave it away.
I mean, that's a big movie.
queered the patch with The Truman Show.
Did you queer the patch?
You're always queering patches.
I know, I can't help it.
I'm a patch queerer, what can I tell you?
Have you seen The Truman Show recently?
No, I struggled to watch it the first time and I stay away from it.
It's torture.
It's rubbish.
Well, is it rubbish?
I tell you what, it's the sort of film that should have been made with no money in Europe.
That's Weir, isn't it?
It is Peter Weir.
He's a brilliant director.
Master and Commander, very good.
Gallipoli, very good.
Hanging Rock is Peter Weir, isn't it?
That's amazingly good, but The Truman Show is an example of a good idea made really boring and bland and unsubtle by Hollywood.
Brilliant screenplay, apparently.
For years it was one of Hollywood's best unmade screenplays.
Then they made it and screwed it up.
And yeah, I saw it.
I remember seeing it and coming out and thinking, that was brilliant.
But then, about ten minutes later, I thought, that was rubbish.
You know what it's disturbingly similar to?
What?
The Robin Williams film, Toys.
Right.
In its set design and stuff.
Hey, have you seen- you know that- OK, I'm gonna be really- and Big Fish.
That's not- they're all of a much of a muchness.
Right.
Uh, like, you know, uh- It's a magic realism.
Like, art films made with too much money.
You wanna make an art film, don't spend any money.
Right.
And then you'll make something good.
What's the Robin Williams film where he- is it Kill, uh, Cokie or something?
Uh, Death to Smoochie?
Death to Smoochie.
I was, um- Or Kill Cokie.
I was talking to someone the other day, having a good chat about films, and then he suddenly said, um, have you seen Death to Smoochie?
Now that is a brilliant film, which nobody saw.
Well I haven't seen it and some people do say it's really good.
Yeah.
Maybe the listeners can help us, is it any good?
All his opinions were pretty much on the money, I thought, and he said, because that went straight to DVD, didn't it?
It might have got a little theatrical, but yeah, pretty much straight to it.
Death to Smoochie.
Death to Play DeVito?
Yeah.
He hasn't got a very good track record.
Throw Momma From The Train.
Misery.
I mean, the film was Misery.
What else did he do, DeVito?
I can't remember.
He did something about being a nasty landlord, didn't he?
Oh, I don't know.
He's got a fairly missable calendar, DeVito.
What?
What's Brian written to you on that piece of paper?
He said, first person to email a review wins Kill Bill.
to email a review of Death to Smoochie.
There you go, because we've got to give these tickets away.
Tell us if Death to Smoochie's any good, and we'll give you a pair of tickets for the... That's rather reflects badly on poor old Mike's achievement.
Why?
Well, Mike used logic and cunning to work out a quiz, and now all you have to do is type in...
Well, no, we're not gonna read out its rubbish, are we?
We want a good review.
I mean, an interesting review.
Coming up in the next hour, apart from the usual fantastic music from the likes of Morrissey, Kings of Leon and the Bees, we have Ditties and the Dog.
Joe and I will be battling it out for our one free play of the week.
We'll be discussing adverts in more ludicrous depth.
We'll be unveiling an extraordinary piece of educational wrapping which one of our listeners has sent in.
I might be talking about the butterfly effect in some depth.
Oh, I'd like that.
I went to see that.
I also went to see Kill Bill, so I'm going to chat about Kill Bill, Gabby Roslin's new film.
Brilliant.
Why are you saying?
Because she looks like Thurman.
She just looks like Gabby Roslin, yeah.
There was a time when Gabby Roslin was quite a frumpy person, but she's transformed now into a kind of lithe, boring butterfly.
Anyway, that's all to look forward to here on XFM.
Yeah, that's Elton John.
No, this is Sisters, isn't it?
With Take Your Mama.
You're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
Now, we were just talking about the great, unseen film Death to Smoochie, directed by Danny DeVito, starring Robin Williams.
Robbing.
And I was wondering what it was like, really.
And then the phone rang, and who was it?
But Lauren Laverne.
From XFM's drive-time week-night show.
Four to seven.
is.
Lauren?
Hello.
Where is she?
Can you hear her?
Yeah, I can hear her.
Lauren, you were at the party last night, weren't you?
I was, yes, I was DJing actually.
Can I say, well I said to your face, but you looked amazing last night.
You're so beautiful and you're clever.
What's going on?
I just, I don't know.
Anyway, um, stop it.
Um, so you've seen Death to Smoochie.
I have, yeah, it's really good.
You should- you should watch it, you'd really like it actually.
Are you sure?
I don't like Edward Naughty Norton.
So Edward Norton.
Why do you like Edward Norton?
Is it because you're jealous of him?
I don't like his Channel 4 show.
What?
No, I ju- I ju- No, I ju- I ju- Can we talk about Edward Norton?
Yeah, go on then.
So explain what it is.
It's basically really, really good.
He's a children's entertainer and Robin Williams plays a corrupt children's entertainer who's got the top sort of kids type, Barney type show.
He gets caught out for being corrupt and getting kids' parents to pay them to come on air and do birthdays and things.
So they they're all like really in trouble so Edward Norton takes over and smoochie is his character and Robin Williams goes mental and tries to kill him, but it's basically kind of quite a quite an intelligent commentary on sort of anti corporates.
I hate corporates.
I hate McDonald's.
I think that's why you'd like it.
So it's kind of I mean it I think it probably didn't go out onto DVD.
It's a bit like Joseph and the Pussycats.
Is that good?
You know I've had an idea, you know like Oprah Winfrey has her book club and Richard and Judy have their book club, we can have a bad old film club.
So each week...
Well, exactly, but each week we could nominate a neglected old film like Josie and the Pussycats.
Josie and the Pussycats is the closest thing to a documentary about what it's like to be in a girl band I've ever seen in my life.
Hey, and you'd know, eh?
Yeah, it's, you know, it's ace, but that's just really, really good, very funny, and quite clever.
Well, that's a good recommendation, thanks for that, Lauren.
Thanks, Lauren.
So, what have you got coming up on your show next week?
Well, actually, guys, I've got a Supergrass on my show.
Have you?
In my record week, yes.
In person, or just playing their record?
Erm, I think in for chat for me.
Are they good at chatting or are they a bit morose?
I don't know.
I've only spoken to them in life.
It's always difficult to tell, isn't it?
I've never interviewed them.
Sometimes people go a bit weird, don't they?
But they're nice in real life.
Yeah, no, they're great, yeah.
So, erm, yes, I've got them and, you know, Kill Bill tickets and lots of other fun things, basically.
Fantastic.
We'll be listening.
Thanks very much indeed for voting in, Lauren.
Thanks, Lauren.
Alright, lads.
See you.
Bye.
Love you, bye.
Love you.
And our free, our Kill Double Bill ticket is going to go to Ben Rogers, who emailed us, who's reviewing Death to Smoochie, even though he hasn't seen it, which brilliantly, you know, kowtows to our special segment.
So, Ben Rogers, you get the tickets.
What does Ben say about it?
He says he hasn't seen it, but he says it's one of those great unseen films that should be seen Suspenseful yet predictable Robin Williams is extraordinary, etc Quite simply must be I love people use etc.
Yeah in important, you know things.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, enjoy kill bill Thanks very much for getting in touch and thanks a lot Lauren coming up after this.
We'll be chatting about adverts This is Adam and Joe on xfm
As the delays with the nearer than heaven
So it's time for rock and rap.
We've been asking you to submit your raps over the instrumental breaks in rock songs.
We've had some quite difficult and challenging entries in the past.
Some kind of funny ones, some moving ones, some disturbing ones.
I'll give you a quick example of the kind of thing I'm talking about.
This is our in-house artiste Scallywag rapping over Fountains of Wayne.
What is your malfunction, man?
I see Spacey's mom for that woman, isn't it?
Oh, she looks like a cross between Lyle Eterna and one of the Mentals on Trisha or Joe's.
It's fact, and I don't mean D-H-A-T.
If you've got the intention of banging a picture, then that's disgusting, man.
Stay away from it.
Fantastic.
There you go.
That's Skelly Wag rapping over Stacey's mum.
This week, our rap from a listener is supplied by Jack Dingleberry, possibly not his real name.
He comes from Northern Ireland, and he sent in a rap over Thin Lizzy's Whiskey in a Jar, which is a good song.
We should warn listeners that this is slightly technically challenged, isn't it?
Or is it intentionally weird sounding?
I can't figure it out, like a few weeks ago we had a rap sent in that was, the mic was really popping, you know, so it was totally distorted.
I don't know what the guy had recorded it on.
But it sounded a bit weird and this Jack Dingleberry's gone for the same production effect.
Either intentionally or by accident.
So you have to kind of bear with it a little bit.
Anyway, check it out.
It's about quite a serious rap dressed up in a humorous way.
What's it about?
It's about testicular cancer.
Oh good.
And the importance of giving yourself a regular checkup.
Terrific.
Anyway, here it goes.
I'm talking about testing your cancer because today I owe the announcer.
You don't want to be in any deal.
So you better take time to check them out.
It's a regular threat, undivisible.
You have an undescended testicle.
So give yourself an examination.
Don't give me procrastination.
Your balls are the next generation.
They're the future of our population.
You're looking for a loan for information.
No, there's no need for hesitation.
So take a quick investigation.
You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Wowza.
Some of those lyrics were a bit hard to make out.
I'm talking about testicular cancer because today I'm... You don't want to be in any doubt, so you'd better take time to check them out.
It's a bigger threat to your vestibule if you have an undescended testicule.
So give yourself an examination, don't give me procrastination.
Your balls are the next generation, they're the future of the population.
You're looking for a lump or an inflammation.
There's no need for hesitation.
So take a quick investigation.
You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
But, you know, that was a very interesting sound he'd managed to get there.
Lots of popping.
I think quite a cheap condenser mic, because whenever he went up above a certain volume, he sort of sucked all the background music into his own voice, and wow, is all I can say.
What would be fun, I think, is to get some of these people into a studio.
Would that be fun?
Yeah.
hahaha
Would you be in the studio at the same time?
You bet, because these people have got talent.
Send your raps, ladies and gentlemen, we want more, you know, you get the picture now, right?
We want sort of quite high quality raps, as you heard from Jack Dingleberry there.
If you can get it a bit more technically suss than that, we'd appreciate it, but don't worry too much.
Send them to adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk if you want to send like a WAV or an MPEG or whatever the hell.
What is it?
MP3, there you go.
Or you can go to xfm.co.uk, the XFM website, where you'll find all the details.
Are you sure they're there?
Because I went to the website, and I couldn't find any examples of RAPs.
I could find them, but you know what?
They wouldn't download.
Would they not?
No.
But maybe it's just because of our computers at home.
They're probably, if you've got a good computer, they're probably there.
Don't worry, man.
We'll sort them out.
They'll all be fine.
Everything's gonna be fine.
We've got another 45 minutes left this Saturday afternoon here on XFM.
And here's some music right now, courtesy of Travis.
Mmm, that's Morrissey with Irish blood, English heart.
Before that you heard Travis with Turn.
If Fran Healy is listening, then I hope you feel better.
He's had to cancel loads of Japanese tour dates because he's had a mystery virus.
Now, was it Mark Dingleberry?
Jack Dingleberry.
Well, I think his real name's Mark, if this is the same person.
He says, thanks for playing my rap.
And the reason it was so technically poor was because apparently he used his headphones as a microphone.
I used to do that.
We all used to do that.
Well, Adam and I used to do that when we thought I was quite endearing.
Basically, if you stick pretty much any pair of headphones into a microphone jack,
You can actually use them as a mic.
It goes both ways.
Wow.
It doesn't sound very good.
You get the popping effect you heard on Jack's rap.
Now, Ad, you're a big fan of Anna Friel, aren't you?
Oh, obviously.
I love Anna Friel.
She's the poor man's Kelly MacDonald.
She was at U.L.Lutter in Brookie.
Wasn't she in Brookie?
She was a lesbian, lavatory, lust lady in Brookie.
And all them other things she's done since then.
None of which I can remember, except now, of course.
She is the star of a brilliant series of adverts for three mobile, I think it is.
The one with the big glowing three.
And so the first one, I think, was Anna in...
a pond or a lake or something, sploshing around, talking about being an actress.
Don't know what it had to do with mobiles.
And the latest one features Anna in a restaurant, in a kind of posh restaurant.
She's wearing a posh red frock.
and she is going from table to table in this restaurant like a kind of a person, discussing the advantages of 3 Mobile with the baffled customers in the restaurant.
She says things like, say for example, this is a bread stick, and this glass of wine wants to talk to the bread stick.
Bread stick, bread stick, bread stick glass of wine, and then she gets quite angry, and starts going, what, you know, what don't you understand?
Bread stick, bread stick, no that, you know, and she starts confusing herself.
So inevitably we empathise with the customers in this advert because Friel's point is impossible to decipher.
And, you know, she herself seems to be in the process of giving up trying to actually explain what she's on about.
And the whole thing is so perplexing.
It just kind of brings my whole life to a stop every time it's on TV.
Do you think the people that made it knew what they were getting at?
They must have done, man, because they spend a lot of money.
I wonder how much she gets paid for a thing like that, because, you know, she's a pretty successful actress.
That's a difficult move for any actresses to appear in a high-profile series of ads.
Well, we as actresses, we found it difficult to appear in those surf ads, didn't we?
Well, we were lucky because...
Every ad that we appear in seems to vanish after about three days, so it's kind of the best of both worlds for us.
But we don't make the big bucks that some of the other people who appear in these high profile ads presumably do make.
I mean, I hope that Anna Friel got paid about half a million quid for those ads.
That's what it would take, wouldn't it, for that scale of a loss of integrity.
And do you know what?
The other people I hope are really well paid are the blokes that dress up as women for those, you know, the Bounty kitchen roll.
Yeah, the Bounty kitchen roll, yeah.
Why?
Because, well, I think they do a good job, eh?
You know what?
If I was a kid and I went to the theatre and I, whenever I went to the theatre when I was a kid, I'd look through the programme and I'd check out what all the actors had been in on telly.
I didn't care about anything else, about what they'd been on telly.
If one of the blokes from the Bounty has, I would be excited.
Yeah, I think they're fantastic.
And if I was in a position to offer them some serious acting work, then I would.
I think they do a good job, but it must be tough because I don't think they're well known in other roles, but they certainly are pretty well known now as the men that dress as ladies.
And boy, there's a lot of those ads.
I really hope they're getting a shed load of money for those.
And I'd be very interested to know what Freel is making for her baffling three mobile ads.
So if anyone knows, do give us a shout.
Or what they mean.
Yeah, exactly.
More to the point.
That's Molly's Chambers by the Kings of Leon.
So would it be very obvious to point out that you know this film 51st Dates?
This is very obvious?
Sounds very like 51st State.
How many people has that confused?
Like Edgar, the director of Shaun of the Dead, said to me, oh, Shaun of the Dead's doing really well at the box office.
It's beating 51st Dates.
Well, that's not very impressive.
Beating 51st State?
Well, I didn't say it enough like dates, did I?
Like state.
Has that confused you at all?
It's called 51 dates, though, isn't it?
No, the film's called... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The... The...
Yes.
Well, to be honest, no, Joe, that didn't confuse me, but then, you know, the orange barley water didn't confuse me either.
It's just, for people like you, I think those things are confusing.
Certainly.
Something else confusing that happened to me was I went to see the Kill Bill at the ICA Cinema in the mall, a fantastic little repertory cinema, and they did a double bill preview of Kill Bill.
And we saw the first volume of Kill Bill, which was pretty good,
and then went to the bar and there was half an hour in the bar and then came back into the cinema to watch the second half and I was sitting right at the back and my mind tends to wander a bit during films and of course everyone, about 20 minutes in, everyone started to need to go to the toilet because everyone had been in the bar and the ICA, it's only got one aisle
So you're basically, if you're in the seats away from the aisle, you've got to push past about 15 people to get out.
And it's often torture, that kind of situation.
That is my idea of hell.
So if you're stuck right against the wall on the left, you're screwed, basically, if you want to go to the lave.
But lots of men, basically about every four minutes, a guy would stand up and push past 15 people and go to the loo.
But it was only men.
No woman stood up and went to the loo at all.
And it was quite... So I'm thinking tenner lady.
Shut up.
Why is it?
What is it?
Superior bladder control?
For women?
What would tenner lady... You think they just went?
That was just a little tangential aside, I'm not serious about that.
Like a maxi-tenne lady.
Maybe, or incontinence nappies.
That's a good idea.
Or are they just slightly more cowardly?
Would a woman have more problems pushing past fifteen people?
Making them stand up, making their heads block the image on the screen.
I think women's bladders are more robust because they have to be very powerful to deal with pregnancy.
You know, because when you're carrying a baby, that baby's pushing down on your bladder a great deal during the nine month period.
And that can be very painful.
It can make you feel like you want to go to the lave almost all the time.
So you get used to it.
So you get used to it and I think their bladders are just made of sterner stuff.
So that's your biological answer.
Brian's written the words, Men drink beer, it's volume.
Which is the opposite approach.
Alright, what a fascinating debate.
Do you know what though?
I thought you were going to say that the men started whizzing in their Kill Bill cups.
What?
I'm just talking rubbish now.
But I've thought about doing that before in the cinema.
Well that's a different conversation.
Alright then, maybe we shouldn't, uh, dwell on it.
Go there.
What was that one then, Adam?
Well, Joe, that was by a group called The Bees, and the name of the song was Wash The Rain, and that comes from their new album, which is called Free The Bees, and that's it.
Free The Bees!
June the 29th is the date of the release of Free The Bees, which I will be buying, because I think that sounds quite good.
So, we just got a butt call.
You know what a butt call is, right?
A call from inside someone's bag.
Yeah, or like someone, you know, you've got your mobile in your pocket and you accidentally press dial.
Was it a good one?
Could you hear anything, Brian?
No.
I get them all the time because my name begins with an A, so I am top of the list for a lot of people's speed dial.
So I have a great time just listening to people walking and chatting and driving and things like that.
I've never had an interesting butt call.
And I always listen to them for like about ten minutes before I hang up.
Well what would constitute, you could basically never hear anyone talk, can you?
No, sometimes you can.
Really?
I get butt calls from, I haven't got the name drop noise, but I get butt calls from Jonathan Ross quite a lot.
And I always think, brilliant, butt call from a celebrity.
Wow, he's gonna be like talking, bitching about other celebs.
Talking to Julian Clary.
with Julian Clary, ringing up Jack Dee, making big deals, maybe interviewing Quentin Tarantino.
But no, he's invariably in the car with the kids, and just sort of saying, Harvey, put that down, and things like that.
Probably Harvey Weinstein.
Yeah, but it sounds nice, it sounds like he's being a nice guy.
I guess I hope that I'm gonna get some Skrull is what I want, you know.
What's that?
Oh, what?
I want Skrull.
Scurrilous talk.
Yeah, exactly.
I hope that I'm going to eavesdrop on someone either dissing me or, you know, maybe saying they love me or something like that.
Something interesting about me or just something that, you know, is a real insight into the other person.
What are you doing, Brian?
Okay, have we got a live but call?
This is cool.
This is a live but call, ladies and gentlemen.
Someone has accidentally called our number.
And this is what's happening live.
It's boring, isn't it?
Well, you cut it off, it could have been Bin Laden.
Bin Laden butt call.
Who knows?
That would have been amazing.
Wow.
Okay.
Well, we're almost... Actually, you know, we've got 20 minutes left in the show.
We've got digital doc coming up very promising, is it?
Oh, we've almost finished.
Oh, no, we've got 20 minutes.
Well, it goes so fast, that's all I mean.
Anyway, stick with us.
It's Adam and Joe on XFM.
The stills with changes are no good.
It's time for Ditties in the Dock.
As you know, the music on our radio show is carefully processed at XFM, but we have one opportunity to play a record of our choice.
But there's two of us, thereby we created Ditties in the Dock.
Thereby?
I don't know.
That's fine.
So we're now going to pitch our songs, and you get to call 08700-800-1234 and vote for the one you would like to hear.
08700-800-1234.
Stand by your phones.
Adam, what's your Dizzy this week?
OK, so this week I'm pretty confident I'm going to win, and I've had quite a good run of wins.
You have, yeah.
Dizzy's in the dock.
I think I've run like three weeks in a row or something.
And I think this week I'm going to win again.
I've got Madness, and I've got Nightboat to Cairo.
It's not one of Madness's more often played songs, but it is an absolute guaranteed floor-filling smash from the Nutty Boys.
And it's one of the first songs I ever learned the entire lyrics to.
It's a kind of rap about, you know, being on a boat in Cairo.
And it's a smash, what more can I say?
If you've never heard it then, you've been living in a sort of pathetic, dopey dream world, and it's time you got with- Only to insult people.
Sorry, man.
I was trying to put my case and I went too far.
Oh, you're excited.
It's a good... It's a sort of a fail-safe, isn't it?
Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry about all the pathetic... You reckon you're guaranteed to win.
I'm guaranteed to win with Nightboat Hikaru.
You're supremely confident.
Yeah.
And you don't know what I'm about to pitch.
I have no idea what you've got this week, genuinely.
Well, you know, I mean... I've checked that confidence because this week I was looking through my old vinyl again.
I got out the 12 inch of the theme from Ghostbusters.
I played it, and it's fantastic!
The theme from Ghostbusters, Ray Parker Jr.
Are you sure you haven't brought that in before?
Nope.
It's fantastic, but I thought, can I get any better than that?
And I could, because I found a mix of Michael Jackson's bad mixed with the theme from Ghostbusters, an 80s double whammy.
Madness.
Did you make it yourself?
Nope.
Where did you get that?
It's professionally made, I can't tell you.
Yeah, go on.
I can't tell you.
Why not?
Because it's secret.
It's a mystery.
So, ring 087008001234.
Say either madness or Ghostbusters.
But it's not just Ghostbusters.
It's Ghostbusters mixed with Michael Jackson's bad.
Why can't you tell?
Look, I've faded out in music now because I'm confused.
You're serious about this one?
Why can't you tell where it came from?
If it wins, I'll say.
So it's 087008001234 either Madness or Ghostbusters vs. Michael Jackson.
Get calling!
Is that a little modulation there at the end?
Yeah, that's keen.
My mum's in the studio today and she likes that song, don't you?
So do I, Joe's mum.
Hello, Spee, Joe's mum.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah, she loves it.
There you go.
Yeah, I think it's good.
I like it the more I hear it.
OK, let's get this over and done with.
It's Ditty's in the Dock.
This is going to be our last hurrah this Saturday.
Now just to remind you, uh, we are facing off this week, Joe and I, with two pretty fantastic, uh, disses.
I've got Madness, Nightboat to Cairo, and I've got a mix of the theme from Ghostbusters with Michael Jackson's Ba- He's double whammy.
We were just queuing them up in the studio, we genuinely don't know which one is gonna win, and- So exciting.
They both sound pretty fantastic.
You can't really go wrong this week.
So let's take the first five callers and the best of five will be played.
So Tony, I think we've got Tony on the line.
How are you doing, Tony?
Yeah, not bad.
Is it going to be madness or Ghostbusters?
It's got to be madness.
Oh, it's one for Madness, straight off the block.
Thanks, Tony.
Lee, are you there?
Hello, mate.
How you doing?
Is it going to be Madness or Ghostbusters?
Madness, please.
What?
Thank you.
What's happening?
Come on, listeners.
OK, I've got a feeling it's going to go the other way now.
Robin, are you there?
Hello, mate.
How you doing?
Madness or Ghostbusters?
I was tempted to go with Madness.
It sounds strong, but I can't miss the opportunity to be here.
Ghostbusters and Michael Jackson.
Good man.
Oh, Robin.
Okay.
That's 2-1.
Madness still in the lead.
Come on, let's have it.
If it's Madness now, it's Nightboat Sekiro.
Kevin, are you there?
Yeah, I'm here.
Kevin, is it going to be Ghostbusters?
Ghostbusters and Michael Jackson, please.
Well done, yeah.
Kevin, correctly pointing out that it's not just Ghostbusters, it's Ghostbusters and Michael Jackson's bad.
Let's not undersell it.
It's 2-4, Kevin.
This is the decider.
Mike, it's all down to you.
Mike, are you there?
Please.
Oh, please, Mike, please.
Mike.
What?
Mike?
Can you hear me, Mike?
Yeah, man, blatantly ghostbusters all the way.
Yes!
Oh, no.
Mike, I love you.
I love you, Mike.
I love you.
Thanks a lot, Mike.
Thanks for listening, everybody, and have a fantastic week.
We'll be with you again next Saturday.
See ya!
Don't you think you're right?
Let's show your ease
I'm telling you to watch your mouth and pour your cream on your body.
Who's bad?
Won't you?