That's Coldplay.
Gotta put a smile upon your face.
Not on your face.
Upon your face.
Upon.
Yeah.
This is Adam and Joe, upon your face.
He knows how to talk proper, that Chris Martin, don't he?
Yes, he does, upon.
Yes, he does.
And we'll be here for the next one hour, fifty minutes.
Thanks very much for joining us.
We'll be playing nothing but dancehall, ragga, and lover's rock for the next two hours.
Absolutely.
What is lover's rock?
Lover's rock is, it's like soft reggae, very soft reggae.
Is it?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Erm, like, what's he called?
No, that's fine.
Night Nurse.
Who was that?
Gregory Isaacs.
There we go.
There you go.
Er, how are you feeling, Joe Cornish?
I'm feeling very well, thank you.
Are you really?
Yeah, well I drove to, we went to a party last night and I drove, you see, so I didn't really drink.
Yeah, I feel a little bit rough.
I've, I've felt rough three weeks in a row and I've, it's not something I would normally do, is go out drinking on a Friday before work.
This is our usual name-dropping celebrity party segment of the show.
We didn't do too much name-dropping last week, but man, we're gonna drop a lot of names today.
We went to Matt Lucas's 30th birthday party last night.
Matt Lucas of Little Britain fame.
He had his 30th birthday party on the Mall in the ICA.
The Nash rooms.
Beautiful location.
It was a fancy dress party and the theme was British icons.
Or just Britain, wasn't it?
Oh, those British icons, Alan Buxton.
Was it really?
Yeah, but that could be broadened to just Britain.
And everyone had made a real effort.
I've never seen such a high standard of costumes at a fancy dress party before.
I think there were only about four or five people that I saw there who hadn't bothered.
Boyd Hilton, Heat magazine, hadn't bothered.
Boyd Hilton was wearing a pin badge with a Union Jack on it.
That is the level of contempt.
He was supposed to be a yob, actually.
But there were some amazing costumes.
The Elephant Man was there.
I didn't see the Elephant Man.
Was he called Stephen Merrick?
Or Alan Merrick?
John Merrick.
Or Ian Merrick.
John Merrick.
Yeah, he was there.
And, um, what was your favorite?
My favourite costume.
What I really like, Peter Serafinovitz, who some people might know from, you know, that popular ITV sitcom Hardware, Voice of Darth Maul, etc, etc.
He was dressed, at first I thought he was Alan Davies.
Because he just had a sort of brown afro and a holy jumper.
Then I thought maybe he was Fred West.
But he turned out to be from The Good Life.
Richard Briers.
He and his girlfriend Sarah Alexander from coupling.
They, they... Where's our name drop sound effect gone?
Well, it was rubbish.
Come on, we don't need the name drop sound effect.
Maybe I could do, like, something improvised with this can.
Well, the answer is you can't.
OK.
I won't bother.
But yeah, Tom and Barbara, they came as from the good life.
I thought that was good.
My favourite was Paul Putner.
Paul Putner is someone who turns up in Little Britain a lot.
He's kind of the other guy in Little Britain.
He's a very funny guy.
And he came as just a map of the UK.
That's a good idea, wasn't it?
And it was a brilliantly cut out, big sort of green polystyrene kind of thing.
So his body was in sort of tight black stockings, like a mime, and then he just had this cut out of Britain, cut out of green foam.
That's right.
The size of his body...
A two dimensional though and his head was just poking through somewhere in mid Scotland.
Yeah and then on his right hand he had Ireland.
Right.
And his face was all, he'd painted it.
All green.
Green and it couldn't have been comfortable.
Wow.
It was one of those costumes you get there.
And you know that he would have been regretting it within four minutes, because he's stuck there as Britain for the rest of the night.
And you came as...?
Well, me and my girlfriend came as one man and his dog, so my girlfriend was a farmer and I was a dog.
Except the only dogs you could find were Dalmatians.
Well, I was dressed in a giant Dalmatian suit.
Everyone thought you were a cow.
Yeah.
That's alright.
You know, I regard it as a success if I don't get chucked out.
Yeah.
No, man, you look good, and Annabelle looked fantastic with nice moustache.
Yeah, it was nice to kiss a woman with a moustache.
God, and big sidey.
It was strangely sexy.
And big sidey.
Maybe I should just go out with a big biker man.
Yeah.
And, um, I came as a TV detector man.
Yeah, that was good, man.
I thought that was very good.
I don't know if it's British or not, but it's all I could do at short notice.
Hey, we should mention the big celebrity names that were there.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, who was the biggest?
Well, probably Robbie Williams.
Yeah.
Yeah, he was there.
And did you chat with Williams?
No.
What would you have said to Williams if you'd... I don't know, I don't really like your public persona, I don't really enjoy your music, but I wanted to shake your hand so I could tell people I had.
That's very candid.
That would have been my best gambit to Williams.
Poor Williams, living in a world where that's what people are thinking.
And who was top celebrity number two, would you say?
I'd say Pet Shop Boys would come in at number two.
I didn't even know they were there!
Yes, they were there.
Silly sausage, I've been a silly sausage.
It's a new Pet Shop Boys song I'm working on.
Silly sausage, silly sausage, I've been a silly sausage.
I wish we could play that now.
Such a silly sausage.
That could be a Pet Shop Boys album, couldn't it?
Silly sausage!
I wish I'd gone up to Neil Tennant and just said, Silly Sausage!
I wish he'd phoned in, I wish he- he doesn't listen to this shit.
I interviewed him, well I told you this, when we did Glastonbury, and I interviewed him with Thieksten, and he just looked straight through me at Thieksten.
We're not famous enough to even appear on his radar.
Well especially if you went up to him and sang Silly Sausage.
I haven't done that yet.
I know, but he can tell.
Silly Sausage!
I've been a silly sausage.
Franz Ferdinand, they're so hot right now.
Franz Ferdinand, they're so hot.
The Christian O'Connell Breakfast Show wants to make the best football song ever, and he needs your help.
Okay, so as you may well already know, The Breakfast Show is making a song for Europe, the ultimate footy song.
They're down to the final five.
There was an extraordinary judging session from Sound in Leicester Square, I hear, that was superior to the programme Pop Idol, which is an extraordinary achievement.
Now they're down to the final five.
And you guys have to go onto the web and listen to the final five football songs, www.xfm.co.uk.
The winner's going to be announced on Tuesday morning.
It's very exciting, but it's imperative that all listeners to our show listen to those five songs and vote for their favorite.
Isn't that right, Adam?
Yes, there's been an incredible response.
Did you say this already?
16 million.
No, less than 16 million.
More than five less than 16 million people have entered this competition.
150 entries, Adam.
Would you say the general standard is high, Brian?
Our producer?
Yeah, but you know what?
It's probably higher than our rock and rap.
Apparently this whole thing's putting our show to shame.
Yeah, Christina O'Connell, he's got a slightly higher standard of entry from his listeners.
We will be putting our rock and rap section to bed this week.
Let's stay on message.
OK, sorry, is there more to say football-wise?
No, apart from go and listen to them and vote for your favourite.
Yeah, and don't forget you can of course find our rock and raps as well on the website.
Not anymore, you're taking them off!
Just, you know, fade out this music bed, cos frankly it's frightening me.
Yeah.
Reminds me of sport.
Balls.
And sport and kicking and goals.
I don't like them.
OK, listen, man, we've got... Brian's looking depressed.
He's looking all depressed.
We did it alright, didn't we?
We talked about the balls and the sport.
I thought we did a very good job of promoting XFM's...
come on it's song for europe it's brilliant yeah uh hey more excitingly though we we're going to be dropping some more names uh in just a second also joe read out that email from the sports illustrated girls oh yes uh phil adam oh phil it's a bloke no no no phil the dead space wallet
I thought you meant Phil was the girl from Sports Illustrated.
OK, you did it.
Well done, well done.
You did it.
We've got this email, OK?
You can email us, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk, or you can text us on 83936.
But we've already had an email.
We've already had many emails.
But this is from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Girls.
They say, morning, Adam and Joe.
There will be a special delivery for you arriving shortly from the girls at Sports Illustrated.
Hope you like!
Let us know when you receive it.
We're working hard on Saturday, organising the party for the launch of the swimsuit issue next week.
Oh, that's depressing, isn't it?
We thought this was that they were going to turn up.
Yeah.
And it says, love from Becky, Emma and Naomi, aka the Sports Illustrated girls.
P.S.
you rock!
So that sounds like a sort of come on.
We assumed chicks in bikinis were going to turn up, but now Brian, our producers, just dumped a plastic bag.
What's in it, man?
I don't know.
It says Nokia on the front and I've got it.
So if there's a mobile phone, it's mine.
Oh, this is exciting.
Play a record while we open the package.
OK, we'll tell you what's in our Sports Illustrated package after this.
Oh, this is amazing.
That's nice, man.
You're making it sound better.
There you go.
I don't like it when DJs do that kind of thing actually.
seeing overstudded in an annoying way.
Especially if you're a fan of music.
It's the kind of thing that Jono would do with his friends.
Have you seen their advert on telly?
Jono and Harriet on a rival radio station, Heart FM, have got an advert on TV listener that sets out to portray them as wacky
And what is it?
What's the final catch line?
Well, it's all sort of jokey like, oh, he's the funniest guy in the world because of his crazy jokes and their rubbish jokes.
They put themselves in a tricky position because when you say that and then it stays on them and he has to demonstrate it, right?
Yeah.
Oh, I think John is the funniest guy I've ever met.
And then... And it's ironic.
Yeah, but you see, that's a bit of a get-up.
Well, at that stage it's ironic, but the bit that isn't ironic is at the end when they go, we just love music.
And stuff.
And weather.
That's what it says.
Jono and Harriet.
They love weather.
Music, crazy chat, weather and stuff.
Well, yeah.
That's what they've got.
We need weather.
Why can't we have an advert?
We should just make up weather.
So if you're waiting to find out what the contents of the Sports Illustrated promotional bag are, and I bet a lot of you are.
I should say, before you say that, that was Muse, incidentally, feeling good.
I believe we've fallen hook, line and sinker for Sports Illustrated's plug-in scheme.
They sent us the email, we've read it out, thereby promoting them.
We expected topless women.
We've got a magazine.
a DVD... Can I see the mags?
No, you can't see the mag, I'm keeping it.
No!
Please, I just want to see, I've never seen Sports Illustrated.
Amazing women in it.
Do they actually have their conkers out?
Or are they covered?
What's the point of Sports Illustrated?
I don't understand it.
I don't know, it's just an illustration of sport.
You're driving me mental!
Show me ladies!
Are they covered or what?
Yeah, they've got very skimpy bikinis on.
They're terribly nice looking.
It just looks like a magazine full of adverts.
And I, I stressed I have also got the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit DVD.
It's a shame that there's only one copy and I hope I don't get to keep it.
And then in a slightly patronising way, there's a swizzler's variety bag of lollies.
That's because we're Adam and Joe and we're like stupid children.
Isn't there some sort of comparison to be drawn between women that you'll never touch and sweets?
You know what I mean?
Just indulgences that, I don't know, is there something going on there?
Well basically they're saying we're children, infants, and here's pictures of women and some sweets and go away.
Are you going to go to the party?
We've also got tickets to the Sports Illustrated party.
It says, come and party with supermodel Marissa Miller.
Who is she?
Now, in America, the word party...
means, has a different connotation, doesn't it?
You mean like, sort of, when Justin Timberlake says, I want to rock you?
Yeah, exactly.
I want to party with you.
Or if you say, last night I partied with supermodel Marissa Miller.
Right.
Is that what it means?
Yeah, yeah.
More than that, Adam.
Fondled.
You did many things, so many things, that it was just like a party.
There was mess everywhere, people were unconscious by the end, but there was only two of you.
Yeah.
So that's what Take That and Party was all about.
Yeah.
But I'm not sure it's going to be that kind of party.
It's liable to be 600 middle-aged journalists and one woman surrounded by security guards.
And some depressed, confused 18-year-olds wearing Sports Illustrated t-shirts.
And us.
Looking not out of place.
Yeah.
So I'm not sure we'll be going.
Unless the Sports Illustrated women contact us and tell us that we can have special access to Conquer Viewing.
Let's not pull any punches.
Coming up in the show, we have a celebrity regression for you.
Joe Cornish is going to regress me, Adam Buxton, into a former state as an actor living out some of the roles that I portrayed in the movies.
If you can guess which actor I will be regressed into and the movies, then you will win a big prize.
Man, it's the Roswell DVD box set.
And if you don't like that, then there's something wrong with your head and we'll find you something else.
But that's coming up very shortly.
Also, I think we should do some more name dropping.
I don't feel we've dropped enough names.
There's more to serve out the party.
So stick with us on XFM.
That's a cover of Lay Lady Lay by Magnet featuring Gemma Hayes.
Is that correct?
Yeah, thanks for letting us know that.
Yeah, I'm on top of it.
So we're talking about the party we went to last night.
In an unashamedly name-dropping manner, we went to Matt Lucas' 30th birthday party.
It was a costume party.
The theme was British icons.
And I left about 1am.
And as I left, I passed Adam on the stairs.
dressed as a TV detector man, that was his costume, and he was talking to a lady dressed as a wren.
Yes, like- Right, a female flight officer.
That's right, from- During the war.
During the war.
And I- this lady turned to me and said something like, hello, I'm chatting up your friend.
I said, oh, that's nice, yeah, he could do with a bit of chatting up.
And, uh, bye.
I just thought it was a random woman.
Who did it turn out to be, but-
Sporty it was spice aka Melanie see Melanie see and I didn't recognize her at all You know what?
I didn't recognize her instantly either because She'd done quite a good costume job and it really suited her being around.
Yeah.
Yeah, so quite saucy.
Yeah, and She came up to me.
She's very diminutive Even smaller than I am I think now surely not.
Yeah, she's like a freak.
You're extraordinary
He's short.
I know.
So, uh, you know, she came up and she said, uh, she said, hello.
And she said, I always fancied you.
Ooh.
And, uh, and then proceeded to be nice about, um, the Adam and Joe show and stuff like that.
And I wasn't sure who she was.
So, you know, I was just sort of smiling in a patronizing way and saying, thanks very much.
Uh, and I said, what, what's your name?
And she looked at me like, no.
And she went, what's your name?
Yeah.
One of the most famous women in the world.
And she goes, and she goes, right, it's Melanie C. But then, to her credit, she said afterwards, sorry, I said that in a really horrible way, didn't I?
I mean, you don't automatically have to know who I am.
But of course, I did know who she was once she said that.
All the bits fell into place.
And then I sort of started thinking, wow, you were in the Spice Girls.
They were very famous, weren't they?
And that's what I said.
She just said that.
She was really impressed by that.
No, I didn't say that.
I played it fairly cool.
But I had a very, very nice conversation with her.
She turned out to be really exceptionally nice and well adjusted and not kind of the nut bucket that I expected she might be from seeing pictures of her in heat, like being, I don't know, just, they always get horrible pictures of her.
So how did you end it?
How did I end it?
Well, I tell you what, it was ended by just a load of people coming up and grabbing her, do you know what I mean?
I didn't have very long, just some random guy sort of steamed in and went, oh yeah, how you doing, yeah, I just went to side, this and that.
To you?
No, to her.
And then I was sidelined.
I was out of the picture.
But then she came and she said goodbye briefly at the end, so it was all very nice.
I hope I bump into Melanie C again.
Wow.
Have you got any of her records?
Well, I've got obviously her Spice Girls records.
Actually, do I?
Haven't got any of her solo work.
No, do you know what?
I don't have any of her work, not even Spice Girls.
But for what it's worth, she was my second favorite after Scary.
Wow.
And that's absolutely true.
That's from the heart.
Well, how lovely for her.
Yeah, it's pretty nice.
OK, after this we've got Celebrity Regression Therapy coming up.
This is an easy one this week.
I think it was too hard last week.
John C. Reilly it was.
And you can win a box set of Roswell.
Well, it would be amazing if it was a box set of Roxette.
A Roxette Boxer?
Yeah.
I wonder if there is such a thing.
Anyway, stay tuned.
It's Celebrity Regression coming up after this classic number from the Pixies.
You're listening to Adam and Jo on XFM.
It's time for celebrity regression.
But before we do celebrity regression, I'd like to apologize to these sports illustrated ladies.
We love the DVD and the magazine, and you're not going to get them back.
And your magazine's wonderful, and you're wonderful.
Okay, Adam, are you there?
I'm here.
I'm now going to regress Adam into a previous life.
Where he was a famous film star.
It's your job to guess the name of the film star whose personality he is regressing into, and also identify the films that he is experiencing in his hypnotized regressed state.
The telephone number is 08 700 800 1234.
Okay Adam.
Yeah.
Just take a deep breath.
Do I let it out?
Let it out.
And relax.
Close your eyes.
And drift back.
Just drift back.
Empty your mind.
Imagine a desert island.
Blue skies.
Blue feet.
Now clear your mind.
You're five years old.
You're one year old.
You are in a previous life.
Open your eyes, what can you see?
I'm on a beach.
A beach?
There's no one here.
It's a deserted beach.
I'm all alone on this beach.
No tourists.
No hippies.
No ravers.
No Leonardo DiCaprio.
No Bette Midler.
It's a nice beach.
Sand, palm trees, that kind of thing, but there's something weird about it.
It's a freaky beach.
It has a dream-like quality about it, and I can quite exactly put my finger on it, in fact.
It seems freaky, because above me there's a night sky with a ridiculous amount of stars in it, but the beach itself and the sea appear to be lit by an unseen sun.
Unseen sun.
Wasn't he in The Last Samurai?
Sorry.
Ah, yes, this is a freaky CG beach I'm on.
In fact, it may not be a beach at all.
It may just be a beach in my brain.
A brain beach!
Oh my god, that's blowing my mind!
I'm on a brain beach!
Okay, breathe.
Just breathe.
Remember, the number is 087008001234.
If you know who Adam is regressing into, you can win a copy of the Roswell special edition box set.
And I'm going to take you further back.
Further back.
into a previous incarnation of this Hollywood star's life.
And I want you to open your eyes and tell us what you see.
I'm in a forest.
It's lovely here, beautifully photographed by Dante Spinotti.
It's the backwoods of North Carolina, as opposed to the north woods of back Carolina.
And I'm depressed, depressed and frightened, like a depressed, frightened rabbit or a pigeon, because my mother's dead.
and now i'm all alone in the woods like a frightened depressed gerbil and now people have come to take me away man people i hate men people but i love m people search for the hero inside yourself particularly was inspirational in fact it would have been a good song to have on this film which incidentally i'm pretty sure i'm going to get an oscar for because i'm really acting my tits off in this one
I'm a frightened gerbil, an angry cat, a dirty badger.
And relax.
Breathe, Adam, breathe.
I'm taking you out of that life.
It's dangerous for you to remain in that life for too long.
Stop the pee-pee.
And I'm going to regress you back even further now.
One final stage, remember, 087008001234.
If you know who Adam is being, and the final regression stage, open your eyes, tell us what you can see.
I'm in a field.
A bleak field.
Doing some random, bleak fieldwork.
Not scientific fieldwork, obviously, but, you know, work in a field.
Hang on.
What's the commotion?
It's the menfolk coming back from some random war.
They look quite depressed.
I know how they feel.
It can't be fun coming back from war to this weird, depressing, boring old town and all the dikey women doing their random fieldwork.
Hang on.
Who's that man?
Wait, I know that man.
Or do I?
Yes, yes I do, of course I do.
Or do I?
Yes, yes I definitely do.
Or do I?
Yes, yes.
He's the man I know.
Or is he?
Yes he is.
Or is he?
Oh for goodness sake, this is annoying.
And there's another two hours of this rubbish with a crap ending as well.
Or is there?
Yes there is.
Or is there?
Okay Adam, just relax.
Or am I?
Or is he?
Adam is gonna remain on his trance state now, listeners, until one of you calls 087008001234 and guesses who he is and what films he was experiencing in his regressed state. 087008001234!
Snow Patrol with Run.
Adam is regressed still.
Can you hear me, Adam?
Okay.
Adam has been regressed into the life of a famous Hollywood celebrity.
He is still in his regressed state.
Thousands of you have called in attempting to guess who Adam is in order to win the Roswell box set.
We have Gary on the line.
Hello, Gary.
Hello, how are you?
Very well.
Where are you calling from, Gary?
Ketchum.
What colour pants have you got on?
Nice.
OK.
It's disturbing Adam.
OK, Gary.
What I'd like you to do, first of all, is when I tell you to, just say the name of the person you think Adam was regressed into.
If you're correct, Adam will come out of his regressed state.
If you're wrong, you could do long term damage to his synapses.
OK.
OK, Gary.
Adam, just breathe.
Can you still hear me?
Yes.
And Gary, say the name now.
Jodie Foster.
Jodie Foster, yes, you're correct, Gary.
Gary, you're so right.
Gary, take us through your logic process there.
What films did you think you recognised?
Well, the first one, The Beach in the Mind, was Contact when she was in the Alien universe.
Brain Beach.
Brain Beach with Contact.
Very nice references to The Beaches.
Yes, thank you.
And The Beach as well there during that regression.
What was the second film, Gary?
Right, the second one was Nell when she's the wild woman.
Yes, have you seen Nell, Gary?
Yes.
It's an extraordinarily powerful film, isn't it?
It is, yes.
A new type of power that no other film possesses.
Can you speak a little jubble language like in Nell?
I'll try.
You didn't believe that?
That was good.
Yeah, what does that mean?
It means I'm mad.
Yeah, well I think that's the one thing she never said, isn't it?
What about, what was the third film, Gary?
I think it was Summersbee.
Correct.
Yeah.
What a film that is.
Congratulations, Gary.
And for that you get the Roswell Clicktors edition.
Does that mean anything to you?
It does actually.
Six discs.
Wow.
Well, well done.
Thanks for calling.
That was brilliant.
Well done, Gary.
That was amazing.
Amazing deduction.
Got all the films.
I mean, it was quite an easy one, but sort of semi-tough films, I thought.
Got Summersbee, that's right.
It's such a weird film.
Husband Richard Gere comes back.
Is he or isn't he her husband?
Remake, of course, of Martin Gere.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, remake of a proper good film.
There you go.
Contact, which is one of my actual favourite films.
It's a fantastic demo disc for your surround sound system.
Yeah, that's a demented film, which I've got a real soft spot for.
And Nel, of course, which everyone should see at some stage in their lives.
You're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
Scissors Scissors with Take Your Mama.
Now Adam, how much do you know about the XFM's exciting Carling Live promotion?
Not as much as I'd like to know.
Well, let me tell you a little bit more.
London is the world capital of rock and roll.
Is it?
Yeah!
And that's why Carling are bringing you Carling Live 24, a complete day and night of adrenaline-fueled music with live sets over 24 hours from the hottest bands around.
Like who?
Er, Franz Ferdinand have just finished their gig at Carling Islington Academy and Star Sailor are gonna be at the Bush Hall in Shepherd's Bush and we're gonna hear from them live later.
In fact, we're gonna be talking to Alex, er, live.
XFM's Alex Zane?
Alex Zane, yeah.
Wow.
He's a good looking man.
He's a good looking fella.
And intelligent to boot and we will be speaking to him live in about half an hour.
It's exciting stuff.
Also, coming up later in the show, we're going to be putting our rock and rap section to bed by playing you Scallywag's first ever proper song.
Wow.
What, he actually sings?
Well, I think that's really stretching it.
But it lasts for, you know, it's got verses and choruses and stuff.
And it's a bit like, it sounds like the streets.
Right.
Oh, are we playing that new streets one this week?
I can't, I don't, I can't get my head around the streets.
She's fit, but my gosh, don't she know it?
Why?
What's your problem with the streets?
Well, it's just not proper- it's not actual music, is it?
Well, you wait till you hear Scallywag.
You're gonna be begging for the streets.
And, uh, we've got Ditties in the Dock coming up as well.
Coming up early this week.
Ditties in the Dock is coming up early because- It's all scrambled because of Zayn.
Because there's a live link-up with Zayn.
Exactly.
Er, now listen, have you, have you seen on telly, right, the advert for, er, the Kellogg's Crunchy Nut and Special K?
How does it go?
Well, it's basically telling you that if you eat nothing but Kellogg's Crunchy Nut or Special K for two weeks, for breakfast and for... Oh, you'll lose weight?
Lunch or dinner.
You're guaranteed to lose weight?
Yeah, like the two-week challenge.
Drop a dress size in two weeks, exactly.
A dress size?
Yeah, I assume it's aimed at ladies and Eddie Izzard.
And it features underneath it a track by Annie Lennox, which is a cover of an old song from the 40s or something called.
Keep young and beautiful.
It's your duty to be beautiful.
So Annie Lennox covered it in a very kind of post-feminist way, or maybe just feminist way, really, because she was lampooning, I think, the sentiment behind the song, which is, it's not your duty to be beautiful, you know what I mean?
Just be who you are, especially if you're a woman.
Don't be cowed by the evil forces of body fascism.
Being a beauty ain't your duty.
Exactly.
Have a big booty, if you want to.
Did you just make that up?
Yeah.
Being a beauty ain't your duty.
Yeah, have a big booty, if you want to.
Yeah, that's brilliant, man.
Thanks.
You could be a feminist.
Well, didn't that from Shaft?
There's a remake of Shaft.
Protecting your booty is my duty.
Oh, yeah.
Something like that.
Anyway, keep going, Lennox.
Well, anyway, so it just, because I'm pretty sure I'm right about that.
I'm pretty sure Lennox, you know, she's a feisty feminist lady.
I'm pretty sure that's why she recorded that.
So why did she allow them to use it?
Of course in that way, but why I'm curious as to why she would have allowed them to use that track in this in this advert Which is basically a pretty dodge on a number of levels basically telling people that they can lose weight with this insane desperate cereal diet
What you're asking is why do people you previously respected on television and the media make really awful adverts?
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm genuinely curious.
Why do they do it?
Could it be a big shovel load of old cash?
Yeah, obviously, but I don't know.
Well, the truth is probably that Annie Lennox isn't the big star that she used to be.
Well, maybe she doesn't have... It's shocking news, I know.
I can't believe that they didn't okay it with her, though.
That's what I mean.
I mean, maybe the publishers just said, yeah, you can use the track, but it's all just a bit dodge, and I think, Annie, if you're listening, you know, I think you should remove the track from the Crunchy Nut ad, because they're encouraging people to basically go on an insane Crunchy Nut-based diet.
Can you imagine your stools?
They would smell great.
They'd be like Weetabix.
No, they'd be like picnic bars.
You know, I love it on the radio when people, they're talking about a star and they go, Annie, if you're listening, people on the radio do that.
So Robbie Williams, if you're listening, as if they're listening.
No one with a life listens to this.
Come on, you never know.
I think I do.
Susie, Susie Applin does.
There you go, that's true.
Lots of very famous people listen to this.
Hi, famous people!
She was there last night looking very saucy.
Oh, okay then.
What's the problem with you, Brian?
He's always cringing.
All he does is stand in the corner of the producer of this and he cringes.
He can't take the edge.
He hates us.
Outcast with Hey Ya.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9.
Now, listeners, if you're going into town this afternoon, or maybe on your way into town, or indeed if you're an Abbey National customer, I was just wondering what people think of Abbey National's rebranding.
Because for years, Abbey National had the words Abbey National and then didn't have a silhouette of a couple with an umbrella, and instead of an umbrella, it was the roof of a house.
That's right, yeah.
A good, traditional, striking image.
When did they stop using the jingle?
Get the Abbey Habit with Abbey National.
Too recently, because that was a great jingle.
That was a smash!
They've paid, obviously paid, millions of pounds to rebrand and reposition Abbey National.
So what they've gone for is they've dropped the word national.
They're now just ABBEY.
And if you're in the high street, you'll see this in your local branch of ABBEY National.
It's just called ABBEY.
They've made the capital letter at the beginning of ABBEY lowercase ABBEY.
and they've made it look like a ghost.
It's out of focus and it's faded at the corners as if it's an apparition.
What?
Well it's the oddest rebranding I've ever seen.
I thought, you know, maybe they've got a focus group and tested it, but it's sort of like an out of focus group and they've decided that an out of focus sign is the best way to go.
And maybe you know all these banks are outsourcing all their call centres to India and places like this.
Maybe Abbey National is manned by the undead.
They've actually linked their phones to the other side.
And when you call for information, you actually might be speaking to a long lost dead relative.
Wow.
Why has Abbey National gone for this weird haunted house branding?
If you're in the high street and see it this afternoon, or if you've got an opinion about it, drop us a line.
And Abbey National, if you're listening, give us a call.
As if they're listening.
Abby!
Call in, tell us what you're thinking about.
You probably don't even say it Abby, you probably say it... Abby.
Yeah, whispered.
Yeah.
Because you can understand them dropping the man and the woman in the umbrella, because basically that sort of household doesn't exist anymore.
There's been a lot of... Men live together, cats live with chickens, children live with old people... Man, it's out of control, the whole thing, definitely, and they've got to reflect that.
The one thing Abby can bank on is ghosts.
And the dead.
We will all die and become ghosts.
And then we'll want to go to somewhere for financial- We want our money to be protected.
Yeah, exactly.
Just because we're dead, we want some financial security.
And Abbey can provide it.
Wow, it's so nice to have a supernatural bank.
Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Abbey-solutely.
Nice.
I wish I hadn't said that.
Oh, that's nice.
That's nice.
That's the vines with winning days.
Got a very good video for that.
What happens in videos?
Well, it's just sort of arty.
It's like stop-motion sculpture pieces.
I'm not really selling it, am I?
Don't I sound very good?
It is good, though.
And it's all in a forest, and they're playing, and they're in a forest.
It's on MTV2 the whole time.
Check it out.
OK?
OK.
What now?
Well, I thought you were gonna say something.
OK, I'll say something.
Oh, this is a ramshackle show, isn't it?
It was good up until this point.
OK, sorry.
OK, I think it's a Green King IPA advert, a very peculiar advert I've seen this week.
I saw it in the cinema, I don't know whether it's on telly, but it's a beer advert in which a man, have you seen it?
He's repeatedly hit.
by things.
He's basically repeatedly killed.
So he's walking along a mountain road and he's hit by a huge boulder, it crushes him.
Gets up, he's fine.
He's struck by lightning.
Should kill him.
Gets up, he's fine.
Run over by a big truck.
Gets up, he's fine.
Why is this?
It's because the Grim Reaper is busy in the pub drinking the beer.
Now what sort of, how do they get to that?
Death drinks the product, therefore we should all buy it.
Is that an advert for beer?
The Grim Reaper loves it.
Is that an advert?
Well, people like the Grim Reaper these days.
You think?
He's a role model for kids.
Yeah, we were talking about the Devil the other day as well.
Well, the Devil appears in lots of ads.
And people don't mind.
They don't mind being sold stuff by the Devil.
In a way, it's just... Do you think evil is abroad in the advertising industry to such a degree that the Grim Reaper and Satan actually walk around in the corridors of advertising agencies?
Yeah, yeah.
And want to try and get themselves into adverts?
Definitely.
Yeah, Satan is the... He runs all the advertising.
Does he?
And he wants a slice of the pie.
Wow, well he loves Green King IPA, or the Grim Reaper loves Green King IPA.
What do you think the Grim Reaper... I mean, surely... What happens to the Grim Reaper when he gets drunk?
Takes the wrong lives.
Right, right, right.
Or just, yeah, he just stays there and gets steamed.
But you'd think once you were dead, you wouldn't need to really get drunk and stuff like that.
Well, you probably need to, you know, create some variety in your eternal damnation.
Yeah, and alcohol, that's the best way to do it, after all.
The other worst advert on telly at the moment I think is the airwick advert, where the woman in the modern art gallery smashes the piece of modern art, so she replaces it with an airwick.
I haven't seen any of these.
No, you're watching different stuff to me.
Surely you've seen that one.
And so she put, because the airwick is so beautifully designed, it could pass for a piece of modern art.
Right.
And then, so she puts the airwick on the pedestal and then awful Euro people come in and go and are attracted by the pong and the design and they think it's wicked.
And it's one of those fantastic Euro adverts where people don't actually speak visibly.
Yeah.
They start opening their mouths but then it cuts away so that they can dub it in any country.
Like the Ferrero Rocher ads?
Yeah, possibly or there's one where the woman where every time they speak they lift coffee mugs up in front of their faces, okay?
Yeah, they're moving their mouths So they can say that so they can speak German or Belgian or the airwick advert is a classic of that genre.
Yeah
Man, that's good.
I'll tell you, the only ad that I've been watching a lot and enjoying is the one for Baileys, where there's young people in a kind of club or a bar, and they're all floating around.
There's no gravity.
And there's big blobs of Baileys floating around in the vacuum.
And because there's no gravity, it's all formed into... No, no.
And it's all CG blobs, obviously, but they've done it really well, so it looks like real Baileys floating in a... That wouldn't work, would it?
Why not?
Well, you couldn't guarantee quite what the blob was.
I mean, the bar... I suppose you'd do it close to the bar.
You'd have to be floating near the bar, and then you'd have to... But it could be a blob of anything.
It could be, like, a moist burp.
Or a blob of wee from the toilet.
Could be a blob of wee from the toilet.
Could just be a little blob of puke.
You know, in an anti-gravity nightclub, where everyone's drinking floaty drinks, if someone spews or wheeze, it's gonna confuse the service.
Isn't it?
Oh, that looks nice!
Ooh, it's puke!
And it would come out again and it would be second-hand puke.
You'd have balls of puke floating around that had been in several guts.
And all the Charlie would be floating around.
The Charlie!
Oh, the Charlie.
You wouldn't be able to control the Charlie.
Used condoms.
It would be diffused into the atmosphere.
You'd just be completely off your rocker the second you walked in, imbibing puke and drugs and... Oh, that sounds wicked.
And blobs of babies.
Let's open that club.
Hooray!
That's Travis with Driftwood.
You're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
Now, don't get confused, listener.
We're not coming to the end of the show.
We've just had to move Dizzies in the Dock half an hour early because of our fantastic live link-up with Alex Serzane at the Carling something or other later in the show.
So, Dizzy's in the dock it is.
This is the segment where Adam and I battle it out for our one free play on the show.
We both want to very much play a song, but only one of us can.
You, the listeners, get to vote.
087008001234, we're gonna propose our songs to you.
You decide which one you'd rather hear and call 087008001234.
It's the best of... five calls.
Sorry, I had a chew and it's increased my saliva output in my mouth tenfold.
And I'm dribbling like a man.
There's saliva just pouring out of your mouth.
Okay, so I'll start this week now.
I have brought in my men at work best of CD could move and It's packed with smashes of course their most famous number being down under I come from a land down under Etc etc, but who could forget other classics like who can it be now?
It's a mistake.
How's that one go who can it be oh yeah?
it's a mistake i won't sing that one but that's good dr heckle and mr jive i think you can forget that one that is a terrible title isn't it but the best song on the cd for me is overkill um and uh day after day it reappears and it starts i can get to sleep
yeah yeah it's not my choice but I'd like to hear that and that is a peach a peach of a song and if you ever thought men at work were just a kind of a joke band then this will explode
Yeah, well it's an absolutely classic song, it's a peach.
What have you got Joe?
Well this week I've got Queen with Flash, the theme from the film Flash Gordon.
I've been re-watching it recently, I think it's one of the great British movies.
Mike Hodges?
Direct by Mike Hodges, filmed in Italy with all of the Cinecetta staff, amazing production design, camp,
funny, exciting.
When I was a kid, Flash Gordon, man, I loved that film so much, watched it again and again and I still watch it.
And what I'd like to play is Queen's Flash single with all the sound effects from the film in it, not the sound effects free version.
Gordon's alive!
I think you should execute that trainer.
Are you men on the right pills?
Strap yourselves down, etc.
Fantastic clips from the film Flash Gordon, all wrapped up in a package of one of Queen's really good singles, Flash.
So that's it, this is in the doc this week, is men at work with, what, Overkill?
Overkill.
That was Northern Deliberate, and Queen with Flash.
Okay, so it's anybody's game.
Yeah, then it work or Queen get phoning Oh eight seven hundred eight hundred one two three four We'll take the first five calls and the best of those five will be played That is the strokes with reptilia
This is Adam and Jo on XFM, London's 104.9, it's time for, uh, Dizzies in the Dock, the results.
It's like our results program, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just to remind you, this is the part of the show where Joe and I battled out for our one free play of the week.
This week, we've got Flash by Queen up against Overkill by Men at Work.
Two classic singles.
We've had a lot of response to this one.
We've taken the first five calls.
I genuinely don't know which way it's gonna go, but I've got a bad feeling.
Okay.
Caller one.
Daniel, are you there?
Yep.
Is it gonna be Men at Work or Queen?
Men at Work, pure curiosity.
Okay, nice logic.
That is one for Men at Work, fantastic.
Next one.
Richard, are you there?
Hello?
Hello Richard, is it gonna be a Flash or Overkill?
It has to be Gordon's Alive.
Gordon's Alive.
Who wants to live forever?
One for Queen, one for Men at Work.
Thank you very much Richard, beautiful quote.
Danielle, are you there?
Hi, Joe.
Hi, Adam.
Hey, Danielle.
Which are you voting for?
Men at Work or Queen?
Well, Flash Gordon was my favourite film when I was little, so it's going to have to be Queen.
God bless you.
Fantastic taste.
Impeccable.
Mark, are you there?
One more for Queen, and Queen takes it.
Mark, are you there?
Hello?
Hello, Mark!
Ming the Merciless, not Merciful.
That would have been a very different film.
Mark, thanks very much for your call.
That's it.
Oh, I can't believe it.
Men at work trounced by Queen.
Deservedly so.
You're alive.
Pass!
Ah!
Savior of the Universe!
Pass!
Ah!
You saved everyone of us!
He's for every one of us He stands for every one of us He stands for every one of us
Flash Gordon Approaching!
What do you mean, Flash Gordon Approaching?
Open fire!
Call the weapons!
Please smash war rocket Ajax to bring back his body!
Pass!
Ahh!
Golden Son!
Nothing but a man you can never bear
What do you mean, Flash Gordon Approaching?
Well, I just mean he's approaching.
What do you mean, Flash Gordon Approaching?
Well, I just said, Flash Gordon Approaching.
Why is that so hard?
Dispatch Wardock at Ajax to bring back his body.
Wow.
Oh, that's such a fantastic single, don't you think?
Yeah.
What an amazing single.
Do you think that's how Freddie Mercury would have reacted if Flash Gordon walked into a party?
Flash!
Like that.
King of the Impossible!
Yes, I think it is.
The man who played Flash Gordon, Sam Jones is the actor's name, is now a successful on-set photographer.
Gave up the acting.
Don't know why.
Funny that.
His voice was even dubbed, wasn't it?
I don't know whether that's true.
That's certainly a rumour.
Who knows?
Maybe Alex Zane knows the answer to that.
He's on the line now.
Alex, are you there?
Hello, Adam.
Hello, Joe.
Hello, Alex.
You sound very odd.
Have you been subsumed into a computer like in the film Tron?
No, but I wish I had.
What a fantastic movie.
What a great movie.
Before we chat to you about Carling's 24-hour music-thon, do you know the answer to that question?
Was Sam J. Jones's voice dubbed in the movie Flash?
I don't, but the 40 hours line always used to bother me.
40 hours to save the Earth seems like an awfully long time.
I think if they'd said 60 minutes or 25 minutes... Right, you reckon you can do it in less, do you, Alex?
Yeah, we'll see because the world is in terrible jeopardy with global warming and the current political situation So let's give you ten minutes to save the world Alex saying and see what you come up with nothing I would imagine Well that would involve you causing destruction of the world in ten minutes, which I know you're incapable of doing fair enough Sorry, I came down on you like a ton of bricks.
Yeah, you smacked him right down Alex What are you up to you've been awake for hours and hours?
Why?
Because it's calling live 24.
I'm over at ambush hall in Shepherds Bush.
I'm a star sailor Well, I invite you after that nothing.
I just like your manner
You sound very excited, like a man who's been up a very long time.
It's a lot of coffee.
Yeah, no, Starsayer are about to take the stage.
It's very exciting.
I get to go on stage and introduce them.
I've just come from Carling Academy, Islington, where Franz Ferdinand played.
That was fantastic.
That's not some sort of university or school, is it?
No, it's an academy of music, but not in the sort of teaching sense, or in the performance sense.
An academy of music and beer.
It's an academy of drunken buffoonery.
And students.
So Franz Ferdinand were playing this morning?
They were, they were playing at about one o'clock, so not this morning.
Oh, this afternoon, yeah.
Well, yes.
A matinee, and did they play matinee?
They probably did, I had to leave before they had to go over to Bush Hall.
Sorry, I bored myself there.
I'm gonna put money on the fact they played matinee AND put money on the fact it was probably very good.
But I didn't get a chance to see it.
And when do you get to go home to bed?
After Star Sailor or have you got more musical duties?
No laughter star sailor feeder are playing at the curling Hammersmith Apollo later, and then it's even the scissors sisters at Brixton Academy I'll be at both of those so sleep is a long way off.
You can't stop saying the word Carlin.
Can you yeah?
It's like Tourette's Well, you can have it.
You can have a nap during some of the quiet star sailor numbers.
Can't you Alex?
Oh
I might have a nap, while Star said they're playing at the Carling Live 24.
I'm joking.
So yeah, I might have a nap.
I'm sorry, I'm with Lisa and she's laughing at me.
We miss you, Alex.
We miss you being here when we come in to do the show.
We miss having your cuddly little face.
Behind a desk.
I expect three suites next week, so I'm gonna wait three weeks.
Sister.
Am I?
Stop it, you two.
Okay, listen, have a good time, Alex.
Enjoy Star Sailor.
Thank you very much.
And we look forward to seeing you back again all safe and sound very soon.
Right now, here are Star Sailor.
Pete Dorothy and Four Lovers.
Now, are you convinced you're pronouncing that correctly, Adam?
Dorothy.
Because it says here on our notes, with our playlist, pronounced Doc-erty.
Oh, were you supposed to do a hard C?
Are they right or wrong?
Pronounced Doc-erty.
I used to say Doc-erty.
Well, the other week we had a text message in, I think, praising you for correctly pronouncing the name when other XFM DJs mispronounced it.
Well then last week you see I changed my posse because I'd seen Cat Deeley calling him Dorty.
Dorty.
FELTHY DORTY.
And so I thought I should take a leaf out of Deeley's book.
Well we're reaching the end of the show.
Thanks very much for listening.
It's been a random and sort of abstract show this week.
We're in a transition phase.
We're killing off Scallywag and the rapping.
We haven't thought of any new features yet.
We haven't, well, we have, but we haven't unveiled them.
This is not the week to unveil them.
And we don't even have time to play Scallywag's song, so maybe we'll play Scallywag's song next week.
Watch out for that, it's gonna be incredible.
You know, it's generally, it's what I call a bunker weekend this weekend.
The weather's obviously gonna be miserable.
It's a weekend to just stay at home for three whole days, solidly.
Maybe without even getting out of your pajamas.
I might try and stay in my pajamas for two and a half days.
Is that a good idea?
And I'm gonna go to Blockbusters, and I'm gonna rent about ten films that I won't watch.
And then they're gonna be overdue, and I'll have to pay about fifty quid for them later in the week.
What's top of your rental list?
SWAT.
SWAT?
What are you thinking of?
Well, it's a really slow... Pop-culturally, this is a rubbish week.
There's nothing.
There's nothing this week, is there?
No films at the cinema, nothing to rent.
It's a bunker weekend.
I'm just reeling from the fact that Brian has just told me I can't play my- What?!
I was gonna play another song!
And now he's tapping his watch and he's saying, play the adverts.
It's just been one of those weeks, you know what I'm saying?
Well, we've just been doing it for the man this week.
And not for ourselves.
Well, listeners, thank you for listening.
Have a great bank holiday weekend.
We'll be back the same time next week for a show that's just gonna kick this one out of the... I don't know what phrase I've launched into.
The dirty box.
Kick this one into the dirty box.
What does that even mean?
I don't know.
Yeah, have a good week.
Enjoy your bank holiday.
Let's hope the sun comes out.
And Annie Lennox, if you're listening, I hope you have a good one as well.