That's the Red Hot Chili Peppers with Universally Speaking.
Before that you heard Blink 182 and I miss you.
This is XFM, London's 104.9.
I'm Adam Buxton.
I'm Joe Cornish.
We're here with you until 3pm.
That's two hours of non-stop us.
And quite a lot of music as well.
And a lot of fantastic music.
Yes, it's the Adam and Joe radio show on XFM.
It's the National Radio Show of the Year.
Is it?
Yes.
Says who?
Well, I do.
You know, it's in England, so it's national, and it's dealing with things that happen in the year.
So it's the National Radio Show of the Year.
And we've got loads of new, well, two new items coming up for you in the next two hours.
That makes an average of one item per hour.
Haven't we even got more than that?
Well, we've got our new movie club.
Yeah, that's one.
We've got the afternoon play.
Yeah, that's two.
They're the two new items.
Oh, I see, but we have more than that in the show.
We've got more old items.
Yeah, we have celebrity regression, and it's quite a hard one this week.
Good.
Last week's was too easy.
It was too easy, wasn't it?
What was it last week?
I can't remember.
Neither can I. Was it Contact?
No, that was the week before.
Oh, it was Swayze.
Swayze.
It was Swayze.
Highway over highway.
Far too Swayze.
Far too easy.
Well, this week it's, I don't know, it's quite easy, but I want you to get all three films right.
And then you'll be in the prizes.
What kind of prizes have we got?
We've got Katie looking after us today in the production booth.
Tickets for 13 Senses.
13 Senses could be yours.
And donuts.
Plus, we've also got Diddy's in the Dock coming up towards the end of the show.
And I'm going to be playing a pretty exclusive play of Charlotte Hathaway's new single, Charlotte Hathaway from Ash.
They're trying to stop me playing it here, so if I say I'm going to play it, then you can't stop me because there'll be a huge reaction from the listeners.
Wow, it's like Pump Up The Volume.
Yeah.
You're like Christian Slater.
Yeah.
Hard Harry.
Yeah.
And what was that other show?
What's the Oliver Stone movie about?
Talk Radio.
That's right.
Barry Champlain with Eric Bogosian.
Shall we explain what the movie club is going to be then?
The idea is to copy what Oprah Winfrey has done very successfully in the States and Richard and Judy copied Oprah Winfrey and started up a book club and now we're going to copy Richard and Judy.
The idea is that you nominate a book each week
This is opera and Richard and Judy's ideas.
They nominate a book each week.
Can I just say, isn't it Oprah?
I like to say opera.
Like going to the opera?
Yeah, exactly.
I've just been watching opera.
Okay, that makes me sound more sophisticated.
So they choose a book each week and then all the viewers read it.
Or, you know, most of them do, and then everyone comes and chats about it the following week.
So we're going to do the same, but just with a really bad film on telly.
And you've picked a film?
Well, what I've done is I've picked three films, and I'd like listeners to call in and vote which one they would like to have on Adam and Jo's Bad Movie Club this week.
So we'll tell you about those films in a while.
And also, shall we explain a little bit about our new move, you know, play segment?
Yeah, yeah.
Afternoon Play.
It's very much like the kind of thing you might hear on Radio 4, possibly written by Alison Pearson or something.
It's kind of a domestic drama about middle class folk.
But it's very exciting and you have the chance to influence which way the play goes.
Shall we say to steer the narrative?
Oh yeah, that's a much better way of putting it.
You, the listener, have a chance to steer the narrative, if you will, simply by phoning in afterwards and voting for which way you think the play should go.
But all this is coming up, it's blowing my mind, and right now I think we should play a little bit more music.
I should say as well that my brother, if you're listening, I hope we haven't said er too much.
He complained to me this week that we say er a lot in like the first links of the show.
I think he meant me, particularly.
Well, that's not a very supportive thing to say.
No, I wanted to punch him in the face when he told me.
Has he said anything nice about the show?
Uh, he's not, yeah, kind of, I think.
He's a bit not very forthcoming with his compliments.
He's jealous.
He might be jealous, but he said he found it really annoying.
You know, if you say, uh, too much, you know what, he says too much.
What?
And then there.
Yeah, that's right.
Here's Supergrass.
With Kiss of Life, Zefan, 104.9.
That's a kind of funky, summery slice of pop from Supergrass.
I like it.
I'll tell you what it sounds a bit like.
It's an INXS single.
That's true.
From the mid to late 80s or early 90s.
Yeah.
INXS is good period, I hasten to write.
Oh, absolutely.
I really like that single.
I love Supergrass.
They performed it on Top of the Pops last night.
Did they?
They performed it very well, confidently, yeah.
Oh, I went to a Supergrass gig last Saturday night.
Did you?
And it was brilliant.
I thought you said it was some sort of club night.
No, I went to the club after the gig, because Gaz and one of the other ones were DJing at this club, The Bar Flying Camp.
Do you know Gaz?
No, don't know him.
Will you call him by his full name then?
Sorry, Gareth, Mr. Coombs.
It was great.
The gig was extraordinary.
I turned up and I thought I was going to leave in about the first 10 minutes because it was so hot and packed.
It was at the forum in Kentish town.
And we were stood right up the back at the top.
And everyone was really into it.
The place was heaving and it was really, really so smoky.
I've never been anywhere so smoky.
I kind of, even though I do have the occasional sickie, I want them to ban smoking in places like that.
I think it would be a good thing.
Anyway, that's by the by.
I stuck with it, and after I'd had a few cans of lager, I suddenly got into it, and Supergrass were brilliant, and they kept up the pace really well.
You know when sometimes bands do an acoustic set halfway through?
And you think, oh no, it's the acoustic set.
But they did it sat on a sofa.
Yeah, they had a sofa that came out and they all sat there, all three of them on this big sofa.
It was really good.
Did that make a genuine difference?
It was like jamming with someone in your front room or something?
It made a genuine difference, yeah.
It just seemed like it fitted with what you wanted from Supergrass and it seemed like from the heart somehow.
And they did justice to all their tracks, and you forget how many amazing songs they've done.
And they were just fantastic.
And the audience, I've never seen an audience so up for it.
In every single part of the auditorium, people were just wigging out.
It was a fantastic evening.
They've got a singles collection coming up, haven't they?
Or a greatest hits collection?
Yeah, that's right.
Sometimes that's a sign of lack of confidence from the record company, isn't that true to say sometimes?
Yeah, to gauge the fans.
It's a way of a record company testing the water.
Yeah, that's true, that's true.
It's just a way of measuring fans, right?
Yeah, well it's a weird, I guess you get to a weird stage in your career if you're a big band where maybe you're not selling as much as you used to and yeah, the record company say, right, it's time to poo or get off the potty.
It's revolting, isn't it?
And yeah, the Greatest Hits is a way of testing that, I suppose.
Doesn't make much sense though, because if you're a fan of the band, you wouldn't buy the Greatest Hits.
But you have them already.
No, but that's what they do, isn't it?
They get them to re-record a couple of new tracks, and that's what Kiss of Life is.
That'll go on the Greatest Hits.
It's all a bit nasty, that side of the record industry.
It makes me slightly want to kill myself.
Actually, no, I'm talking rubbish.
Shall we have some Jay-Z?
Oh, do we have to?
I think we do.
You love Jay-Z, don't you?
Well, all of them except for this one.
No, I love it, I love it.
You love this one, don't you?
Yeah, personally, it's my favorite Jay-Z song, 99 Problems.
Here it is on XFM.
As the Scissor Sisters with Laura.
Coming up in the next half hour we have Celebrity Regression Therapy.
Joe will regress me into the mind or the roles of a famous Hollywood star.
You have to guess which star it is and which films I'm being regressed into.
You could win tickets to go and see Dylan Moran's new comedy show.
That's a good prize.
Is it called Monster?
Yes, it is.
Everything's called Monster these days, isn't it?
The film with Charlize Theron.
That's right, Monster.
Nick Broomfield's documentary about Aileen Wuornos.
That might not be called Monster, but it's about the same thing.
It's about the same thing.
And Monster Munch.
Monsters Incorporated.
Monster from the Deep.
That old film that doesn't exist.
Yeah, the phrase.
It's called Monster.
Monster.
Yeah.
Monster, Nigel Kennedy used to say.
Monster.
What's that?
Do you ever want to revivify old- revivify?
Is that a word?
Do you ever want to bring back old buzzwords?
Sure.
Stonker.
Like referring to what?
Comic Relief.
What?
Comic Relief sort of tries to push these slightly naff.
...comedy buzzwords into popular currency every year.
And one year, like the other year it was just pants, wasn't it?
Big, big pants.
Oh yeah, yeah.
And then one year it was the word stonker.
Right.
The big, they call it comic relief, the big stonker.
Isn't stonker a word for stiffy?
Is it?
Isn't it?
Yeah, well let's not dwell on it.
Nah.
What word would you bring back then if it was up to you?
Oh, I don't know, I'll have to think about that.
Probably stonker.
Otherwise I wouldn't have mentioned it.
So yeah, you could win tickets to go and see Monster, or indeed Thirteen Senses.
It's up to you.
If you win Ditties in the Dock, it's your- Sorry, Celebrity Regression Therapy, it's your choice.
Wow, wow.
So I was watching this morning, during the week, and it's always fun to watch this morning because of the terrible faux pas, the holes they dig themselves into.
Fern and Phil.
Who's the worst for the faux pas?
Oh no, hang on, it wasn't this morning, it was Richard and Judy.
Was it?
I've got two faux pas here, one of them's a Phil and Fern one.
But let me start with the Richard and Judy one.
Okay.
It's also fun to watch that because of the faux pas.
So they've got Samantha Janis on.
I prefer to call her Janus.
Janus.
They've got Samantha Janus on and, you know, they don't stick to the script, they go off on tangents, they freestyle Richard and Judy.
Richard just thinks of something and he says it, sees where it'll go.
So he says the previous item's been about stalkers, about how there are so many stalkers in Britain and everyone's stalking.
Not stonkers.
And so he goes to Samantha Janis.
Did you ever have a stalker, Samantha?
And she goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did it a few years ago.
Really?
What did he do?
What was it like?
What happened?
Oh, he followed me around in a white transit van.
And the police stopped him after weeks.
And he had a knife in the back and lots of photos of me.
And my house was burgled.
And a threatening letter was sent to the production company.
So it was getting quite dark at this point.
Yeah.
Richard goes, oh, really?
I said, what happened to him?
Did they catch him?
Did they get him?
Was he caught and put away?
Slight pause.
Janice, no.
No, he was let go.
They told him it was a camping knife.
Sort of atmosphere of sinister doom descends on the studio at this point.
Is she beginning to look a little tearful?
She's beginning to look nervous and tearful, which she goes, so, so he's still out there, is he somewhere?
Janice, nervous, regretting this, she says, yes.
Judy sort of goes, oh, tries to put a jolly face and it goes, well, hello if you're out there.
And then they move on to the next item.
That is transcribed verbatim from Richard and Judy.
So Janice may not survive the week.
Oh, don't say that.
Can you imagine if she didn't, that would be dreadful.
That would be dreadful.
Oh man, at least the guy got a name check.
He must have been jazzed.
That would have been the best day of his life, don't you reckon?
Man, if you'd given up stalking Samantha Janice, because this happened a few years ago, not that conversation happened last week, but the actual stalking happened a few years ago.
If you'd given up stalking Samantha Janice and then you saw that,
You'd start again, wouldn't you?
Well, yes, that's like an invitation!
He's interested in me!
He's talking about me!
Start up the van, get the knife, and a pen and paper.
That is grim.
Let's hear the next faux pas in just a second.
Right now, here's Graham Coxon.
Oh, it's not Graham Coxon at all, it's Ash.
Whoa, that's Ash with Orpheus.
They're playing some sort of a gig at midnight on Sunday night to launch their album at some record store.
Are they?
I don't know the details, but a central London record store, Midnight Ash, playing to launch the album.
I don't know whether it's open to the public.
Ooh.
It must be, mustn't it?
I don't know, I don't know.
The album's out on Monday.
We should find out more about that.
What's it called?
It's called, it's called... Meltdown.
Meltdown.
Ok.
So you know what, we've just had an email, you can email us here at XFM, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk or text us on the text number, what's the text number Adam?
83XFM.
Brilliant.
Someone's actually watching us via the webcam which is a first.
Are they?
Well the webcam's not pointed at me so I'm off.
Maybe it's Leslie Grantham.
Oh don't say that.
Ok so I was going to tell you the second faux pas.
I've been watching Phil and Fern and Richard and Judy this week and noting down faux pas.
This is actually quite an old Phil and Fern faux pas.
Can I just say before you go into the Phil and Fern one that I love Richard and Judy as people and as presenters and I wouldn't like them to think that we were poking fun at them.
No, but it's tricky, isn't it?
Because we went on their show when we did 50 greatest magic tricks, didn't we?
Yeah, that's right.
And Richard performed a magic trick for us live on the telly, and his hands were trembling like a frightened child.
I found that really endearing, because they've been on television forever, and he was still really nervous about this magic trick.
And afterwards, in the green room, they were really nice, weren't they?
Well, that's right.
That's where I developed my... They were really sweet and lovely.
Yeah, when you watch them on telly.
They come up with the occasional howler.
Yeah.
But so do we, eh?
No.
Come on then.
Okay, so Fern and Phil, there's a woman on Fern, a member of the public, and she has, it's about phobias.
She's got a terrible spider phobia.
Erm, so Fern goes, Hello Judy, now you're absolutely terrified of spiders, aren't you?
You can't even look at a picture of one without having a really serious panic attack, can you?
Woman goes, that's right, that's right, now I can't even, even if I think about them, cold sweat and a panic, it's really serious.
So Fern is obviously trying to establish in the minds of the viewing audience how serious this thing is.
So she goes, wow, you actually couldn't look at a real spider.
The woman goes, no, no, no.
And Fern without thinking just goes, so if I was to say, for instance, there was a huge spider crawling up the back of your chair about to climb into your hair right now, what would happen?
At which point the woman starts freaking out and having a major panic attack and a sweat.
And they have to go- sweat's not very dramatic, is it?
Well, that's enough!
Starts having a major panic attack, they have to throw to the adverts!
When they come back from the adverts, Fern is apologising so profusely, and the woman's had to leave the studio.
No way!
That's unbelievable!
How did they throw to the ads?
Who threw to the ads?
Phil probably threw to the ads.
Phil is just watching the whole thing unfold in horror, because he's a bit more of a pro, isn't he?
Well, yeah.
Yeah, if you can call training in the broom cupboard.
Yeah, that's what I would call- Professional training.
Proper training.
Whereas Fern, you know, she's been in the business a long time, but she's more of an amiable bumbler.
Yeah.
And she tends to live with her foot in her mouth most of the time.
We've got celebrity regression therapy coming up for you after this.
Okay, we're live in three, two, partition now.
XFM, London.
This is Alan Joe on XFM, London's won a 4.9.
It's time for celebrity regression.
It's time for you, in your homes, in your cars, in your gardens, to relax, sit down, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and see if you can tell which film star I'm regressing, Adam, into the past films of.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, you have to guess not only which star I have become, but which films I am reliving.
And if you guess correctly, you will win tickets either to see Thirteen Senses or to see Dylan Moran, whichever you want.
OK.
So, just relax now, Adam.
Take a deep breath.
OK.
And drift back.
All the way back.
You're not?
I don't think you're in a trance, are you?
Not yet, no.
No.
Well, just breathe.
Clear your mind.
think of a beach clear your mind think of a beach clear your mind and drift back back back back back back to before you were born back into the life of a film star when i ask you to open your eyes you will be in one of their films and i want you to tell us what you can see open your eyes now
Oh, I'm confused.
I'm a violent man who lives by a violent, dangerous code, a man who'll do anything for money, and yet now I'm embroiled in a Chinese puzzle of relationships, risking my life to protect the life of an innocent... life.
But I guess it was bound to happen.
Like the man said, $15 million is not money, it's a motive with a universal adapter on it.
Pajank!
That's the kind of thing people say in this movie.
Things like, you know what I'm gonna tell God when I see him?
I'm gonna tell him I was framed.
Rickshaw!
The problem is, who are the good guys in this film?
I know all the shouting and shooting and tedious crime kingpins may seem a bit thick and boring, but actually it's complicated and nuanced.
So if you don't get it, maybe you should just get out of my regression before I shoot you.
Or say something like, we're not talking about how long you're gonna live, we're talking about how slow you're gonna die.
WAP it!
Yeah!
Shooting, shouting, and shooting!
Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe.
Stay calm, Adam.
Stay calm.
Stay calm and breathe.
If you know what film Adam has been regressed into, call 08712221049.
Let me take you further back now, further back, into another of this star's films.
Open your eyes, tell us what you see.
Oh, I'm excited.
I can't believe it.
It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
I'm gonna be doing what I love in a big kind of genius factory.
And what's more, I'm gonna be paid top dollar for the pleasure.
my friends are so jealous in fact they're calling me a sellout but they just don't understand what it's like to be a genius with no money no one understands no one except Gary Winston he built this company from nothing and now he's the most powerful man in the world with pictures on his wall that actually morph
from one crap image to another.
And he wants me to join his genius factory.
And I should fit in pretty well, because like all the other geniuses, I look like a kind of thick skateboard slacker.
I love it at the genius factory.
Or do I?
Oh no.
I think there's something wrong with the genius factory.
Oh no.
O-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9, if you know which film star Adam's been regressed into, we'll take him back one further stage.
She's losing control of his bowels.
Drift back, back, back, back, back.
Open your eyes, tell us what you can see now.
Hello.
I'm feeling naughty.
I might snog someone soon, even though I could be fired for it.
But that's just me.
I'm not uptight like the rest of you slaves.
In fact, I'm acting with the gay abandon of some kind of ludicrously liberated Yankee Doodle, even though I assure you I'm British.
I'm a British man.
Can't you hear it in my accent?
That's how us Britishers talk, you know.
At least, that's how us British working class people talk.
But you wouldn't know with all your airs and graces and lard it does.
I detest you.
I'm sorry, I lost my head.
Forgive me, it won't happen again.
Unless I decide to snog you, and it'll be a British snog, because I'm a British man.
Can't you tell by my accent?
Oh, by Jing-Jong's lady marmalade's ringing the bell bongs.
Apples and pears, pint of brown cobblers.
I'd better go upstairs, because I'm British.
And I'd better go upstairs to answer lady marmalade.
She's ringing the bing bong.
Jing-Jong.
What is this now?
Is this still celebrity regression?
Yes.
Okay.
Jing-Jong.
08712221049, if you know which films are and which films Adam was being regressed into, call quickly!
Ooh, this is Celebrity Regression with Adam and Joe on XFM.
Adam, are you still in your trance?
I can't hear the trance music.
Oh, I don't know what's going on.
Wow, it's a team of trance this week.
Okay, Adam has been regressed into the mind, body and films of a popular film star.
You heard his regressions and you're in with a chance of winning... What are they winning?
The monster tickets or the 13 ding-dongs?
Which ever one they want.
Okay, and we've got a Burn on the line.
Hello Burn.
Hello there.
How are you?
Oh, quite well, quite well.
I'm enjoying your show immensely.
Oh, you're very kind, Burn.
We've had some problems this morning with our brains.
Other than that, it's been quite fun.
No, I can tell you're having problems with your brains.
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Burn.
You're very supportive.
So, Adam's in his trance.
What I'd like you to do in a second is say the name of the actor who you think he was regressed into.
If you're correct, he will wake up out of his trance, and if you're incorrect, he may stay in the body of this actor forever.
Really?
Oh, no!
Yes.
So, Burn.
What kind of body does this actor have?
Well, let's see whether you're right.
Who do you think it is, Burn?
Tell us now.
Ryan Philippe.
Burn!
You're absolutely correct.
Hey!
Was that you, Burn, or one of your sons or daughters?
This is my beautiful friend.
Oh, your beautiful friend?
Yes.
Sounds a bit like a baby.
Sorry if that seems healthy.
That's fantastic, Burton.
Congratulations.
Can you tell us how you deduced it was Ryan Felipe and which films you think he was being addressed into?
Good question.
Well, the first movie was Way of the Gun, the hardcore dialogue.
Yes, did you recognize all those amazing lines?
Oh, because it was a very subtle and nuanced movie.
So we're told.
And then the second movie was Antitrust, which I haven't had the pleasure of, but there's quite a few trailers.
And then the last one was Godford Park, which is just an astonishing movie.
Even though you find out of course at the end of Godford Park that the reason he does have that ludicrous accent is because he is an American guy playing, proposing.
Really?
I thought he was Scottish.
No, I can't remember which one he was supposed to be.
I don't think anyone knows.
Not even Robert Altman knows.
You should have thought, surely the other servants would bust him before that.
It's just unbelievable.
But anyway, congratulations.
That was very, very well done.
Burn, which would you like?
Would you like the tickets to go and see Dylan Moran or Thirteen Senses?
Uh, Dylan, please.
Good choice.
I think you'll have a fantastic time.
Thank you very much, Burn, and thanks for calling in.
Thanks, FM.
That, uh, well, this still is Magnet with Lay Lady Lay.
This is Adam and Joel on XFM London's 104.9.
Yes, I agree.
And it's a beautiful day, although we can't tell exactly how beautiful, because there is scaffolding up outside the Capitol building in the heart of London's West End, so we can't see if it's still nice, but I suspect it is.
Probably very few people actually listening to us, but if you are, congratulations.
Thank you very much.
Please turn your radio down out of respect to your neighbours.
Do you think it's going to be one of those weekends where, you know, it's hot for, because in London when it's hot for two or three days continuously, people start getting out of hand.
Yes.
Over-excited.
All the windows go open.
That's right.
Everyone becomes a DJ.
That's right.
Barbecues, football in the street, the thought thing that I cannot tolerate.
British people go mental.
And then people start revealing their underwear.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, like pants come up over the top of jeans.
Really horrible blue pants.
There's a good song by The Fall called British People in Hot Weather.
Yeah, and deals with all these problems.
Maybe I should bring it in if it's still hot next week.
But listen, we do have a purpose for this link, don't we?
Do we?
Yeah, because I was looking through Time Out, and I came across an advert for the film The Usual- I thought it was the film The Usual Suspects.
It looked like the poster for the film The Usual Suspects, but it was a play.
So for the poster for the play, they're doing a stage version of The Usual Suspects.
So they've mocked up the poster exactly the same as the film, but instead of all the stars,
People you've never seen before.
Bob Sponge.
I love Bob Sponge!
Phil Heckelstick.
Is Jane Slit in it?
Jane Slit may well be in it, but Robert Fringe was unavailable.
But you sort of think, well, what is the point?
Don't you think what's the point?
Have you ever seen one of these kind of movie to theatre adaptations?
A staged version of a famous film.
Yeah.
Because there was When Harry Met Sally was on a while ago.
I saw Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Well, that's not the same, is it?
It's a different kettle of fish, isn't it?
Because the point of that is you think, how are they going to achieve those amazing filming effects on stage?
And then you were like... And you see it and you see, oh... You haven't bothered.
That's how they're gonna do it.
Oh, if I'd known that, I wouldn't have turned up.
With a big car on strings.
It's not on strings, Adam.
What is it?
It's on a stick.
Is it?
Yeah.
A big mechanical stick?
A sticky, sticky bang bang.
Did you see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
Yes, I did see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Was it fun?
Yeah.
Okay, good.
And I'm going to see Mary Poppins as well.
That's not out, is it?
Not yet.
What about Feston?
Feston was on stage as well, wasn't he?
Yeah.
What the hell is the point of doing Feston?
Well, that's understandable because that's a very dramatic piece about her and it's got one location, you know, it's about the family get together and the argument.
But half the point of that was the argument.
So it says on the back of the sleeve.
And remember the argument.
Big argument.
But half the point of that film was the way it was shot, wasn't it?
Absolutely.
The whole dogma thing.
Well, maybe that's how they stage it.
Maybe you don't sit down.
Someone just stands behind you and grabs your shoulders and pushes you towards the actors, then pulls you away and jiggles you around.
Yeah, there's no seats.
And sprays water in your eyes.
No seats and no set.
You just go into a big room and the action takes place like when everyone's milling around.
Promenade performance.
You know what, I suspect that's not the case.
No.
I was trying to think of other films that would be good to make a transfer.
Basically, I'm not going to go and see Paycheck with Ben Affleck in the cinemas, because I'm waiting for the stage version of that.
You're not even going to get the DVD and wait for it to hit the West End.
Yeah, I mean it's a tough choice.
That's a good choice, man.
John Woo's material always translates well to the stage.
Well, I went to see Broken Arrow at the... At the London Palladium.
At the Palladium and I was just very moved.
Yeah.
How did they do the jet plane?
It was on a stick.
Was it on a stick?
Sticky sticky bang bang.
That's an old classic by the Wu-Tang Clan, Gravel Pit.
They smashed something during that record.
I distinctively heard something fall over a bottle or maybe an expensive vase.
Yeah, it was weird.
Let's not have them in again, they always make a mess.
I know, at least they didn't swear.
So we're just talking about plays there and we thought maybe we're trying out a few new ideas for sections on the show and we've come up with this.
It's like an afternoon play.
It's the sort of thing you'd stumble upon if you turned on Radio 4 during the afternoon on a weekend.
Yeah, or pretty much any time, in fact.
Whenever I turn on Radio 4, it's either Woman's Hour or it's a radio play.
We should just basically just play it.
We want you to listen closely.
You might need to turn your radios up a bit to get the nuances of this play.
It's a middle-class sort of domestic drama.
What we want you to tell us is what should happen next.
There's quite a lot of phone ringing at the top of this.
Okay, imagine a kitchen, a domestic kitchen.
That's the radio playing in the background.
Come on, you two, you're going to be late!
Rolly, I can't find my satchel!
Wait!
Hello?
Hello, Jenny.
Who's this?
Don't you remember?
It's Lench Pufar.
Oh, hello.
Well, how are you?
I'm cold, Jenny.
So very cold without that stupid smile of yours to toast my face.
I keep wondering, when will I see that face again?
Well, I don't know.
Perhaps at the conference in July.
How about that lunch we talked about?
Tomorrow, at La Cuisine.
Tomorrow?
I don't know what to say.
Say yes.
Well, sorry, hang on.
What is it, sweetie?
Mum, where's my satchel?
It's in the hall next to the coats where it always is.
Mummy, have you got my sandwiches?
They're in the fridge, second shelf, and take an apple, too.
Thanks, Mummy.
And don't forget your field trip permission slips.
We won!
I'm sorry.
It's a bit manic here, as always.
La cuisine.
Um, right.
Well, yes.
Marvellous.
I'll see you at 1pm.
1pm.
Well, this is a nice place.
Such an elaborate menu.
What are you going to have?
Why don't we eat just white food?
I wouldn't be sure which was which.
Let me choose then.
For a starter, fillet of yellow on a bench of gifted brusque, followed by a couple of pills.
Then a jerk-in of buckle suspended over 28 julliards of beaten rail, and for dessert, yuck-out.
Sounds perfect.
Perfect!
Grouchois!
Monsieur, madame, would you like to order?
Tell me, Gauchois, the yellow, is it bleached?
Is it very white?
The yellow?
Oh, Bip, we'll have two hamburgers and cheese dittlers and a packet of fruit-flavored tofu without the wrappers.
The pleasure.
Ah, I love this place.
You, the toilets, let's never leave.
I hope you don't think me scummy, but I felt a little brittle when you didn't bloody call.
I wanted to.
I've been so busy.
Michael's been working in Brighton, so I've been on my own, and Holly's been ill.
Michael, yes, yes.
Holly, your son, Sancho.
You mean Harry?
Yes, yes, Harry, yes, Sancho.
Your lucky, lucky family.
You give them so much, Jenny.
You give and you give and give.
Given, given, goven, goven, goven, gaven.
But what do you get back?
I don't need anything back.
And what if I wanted to give you something back?
What are you doing?
I'm brushing back your hair.
Your silly, fluffy hair.
Lunch.
I love my husband and my children very much.
Oh, come, come, Jenny.
It's only lunch.
So far.
It's only lunch.
So far.
What could he mean by that?
I was about to find out.
Wow!
So that's episode one of the afternoon play here on the Adam and Jo radio show on XFM.
What's going to happen next?
Is Jenny going to start having an affair with Lench Pufar?
Surely not.
She's a happily married woman with two small children.
With kids!
But on the other hand, Lench is a very attractive and persuasive man.
He's got a way with words.
So, you decide what Jenny should do next.
We want to hear your ideas.
The number to call is 0871221 049 or you can email adamandjaredxfm.co.uk or you can text 83xfm.
And how should we decide which advice to heed?
Well, we'll just see what sort of quality writing we get in.
You can steer this narrative, you could suggest new characters, you could suggest new things for Jenny to do.
You know, she could do anything.
She could call him, she could ignore him, she could try and kill him, she could go on a ballooning adventure with him.
Just a few things to choose from there.
The only limit is the listener's imagination.
Wow, can you imagine that?
Nothing too filthy, because obviously we won't be able to do that.
Well, they could send in filthy stuff, because I'll enjoy reading it, but it won't make it to air.
Okay then.
Still to come in the programme, we have the Adam and Joe film club, we'll be explaining about that, and of course Ditty's in the Dock, as well as more great music of this calibre.
You know, that's Snow Patrol with Run, and doesn't it remind you a little bit of the tune of that, of Everlasting Love?
It's true, but I get that a lot.
Almost every single I hear reminds me of something else.
Yeah, it's getting old I suppose, isn't it?
Anyway, have we had any suggestions for where the afternoon place should go?
Adam's suggestions are raining down, like rain.
Like acid rain.
Um, already, someone's suggesting that Lent should have the affair with Jenny, then kill Jenny and take her place because he fancies her husband.
Right.
Jenny chokes on cheese dipper, Sancho should eat the dog.
Sancho is of course one of Jenny's children.
You've seized the initiative, listened closely to the play and are offering some sensational, dramatic weaves to the story.
I like elements of some of those ideas.
I like the idea of Lench being in love with her husband.
You know what, there'll be new characters as well.
It's not just Lench.
I'm working on a gay kiss.
Good idea strand for the afternoon play.
Yeah, it might be a gay kiss that never happens But just a scene that's really full of homosexual tension because it's too young as a kind of a Afternoon play community a bit like Royston vasey.
Yeah, you could be plunged into any kind of scene with different characters Yes, so next week might not even be Lynch at all Although I'm sure he'll be back but you know you could take us in any kind of direction you wanted and
Keep sending in your suggestions to Adam and Joe at xfm.co.uk.
The and is the word A-N-D, not an ampersand, in case your email gets returned.
You can also text 83XFM or you can, what, write a letter.
You could write us a letter.
Capital Building, Leicester Square, London.
Now this week I went to see a preview of The Day After Tomorrow, the sensational new disaster movie from Roland Emmerich, the director of Godzilla, Independence Day, and The Patriot.
Yes, and it's a kind of eco-horror yarn.
It says what is going to happen, or it says, it shows what will happen if we continue living the exploitative fossil fuel dependent existences that we currently live.
And it's a freezing scenario, is that right?
It's not only freezing, Adam.
It is at first, it's a giant hail scenario.
At about ten, the ten minute mark, it's a giant, well actually the opening sequence involves massive crevasses opening up in an ice shelf.
That's the first minute.
By minute ten... In an ice land, a branch of ice land.
Well, no, but weirdly that does sort of happen later in the film.
Minute ten, giant hail size of bowling balls hit Tokyo.
and we see people being impacted.
Now already there's nothing you haven't seen before, Touching the Void does the crevasses, Giant Hailstones, Dante's Peak does that very effectively in the first 10 minutes with Pierce Brosnan's wife getting her brain replaced.
True!
It's not Linda Hamilton, it's the wife before.
Yeah, it's the wife that dies.
Shocking.
So, but back to the day after tomorrow, so you've got the Giant Hailstones, that's only the beginning.
Then you get a swarm of tornadoes destroying Los Angeles.
Right.
Very suddenly.
Not just them.
Nope, a whole lot of them.
A gang.
Oh my God!
The Hollywood sign is being destroyed by a tornado!
is a line.
They care more about the Hollywood sign being sucked up by a tornado than any human life.
Rightly so.
And that's so by minute 20 you've got the swarm of tornadoes.
By the 45 minute mark, which is when you expect the FX money shots, you've got a huge tidal swell engulfing New York.
And a fantastic bird's eye view of this amazing, what would you describe a massive body of water as?
A boob.
An amazing boob of water.
An amazing knocker of water.
Progressing through New York.
And they've got the technology now.
Did you see the Day of the Dead remake?
No, I haven't seen it yet.
That's got an amazing top shot of a whole town going mad.
And you can see all the little details.
A little car whizzing along, smashing into a bus.
You know it's a bit like one of those children's books that just shows you an amazing gatefold.
Is it like Trumpton?
Yes, it's like Trumpton.
But this is like what would happen if Trumpton got destroyed by a huge boob of water.
And it is amazing.
And then, so that's the 45 minute mark, at the 1 hour and maybe 10 minute mark, you get an incredibly rapid temperature plunge.
So much so that in every disaster film you've got to have your protagonist chased.
Buy something.
A wall of flame, a boob of water.
In this face, Frost.
That actually chases by Frost.
Nick Frost?
Not Nick Frost, Jack Frost.
Wow.
Actual Frost.
Do you think that's possible?
Oh, what, like Frost sort of, um, clambering after them, freezing everything up?
That's ridiculous.
Well, you say that and follow your arms, Adam Buxton, but when you're in the cinema,
I don't think you'll think it's ridiculous.
The theory being that if it catches up, then he'll be totally frozen.
Yup, yup.
This is Roland Emmerich we're dealing with, director of Godzilla, the Patriot, Independence Day, bang, bang.
You're not paying your money for logic.
For the Patriot, that's not a bang, that's surely a wet phone.
Oh, come on, the Patriot's brilliant.
What other film has a man taking one of his kid's toy soldiers, melting it down into a bullet, and using it to kill the man who killed his son?
You follow?
Yeah, I think I follow.
I love that sequence in the Patriot.
That sounds awful.
So listen, the day after tomorrow, do you see what happens after the world is engulfed?
It blows over.
Does it?
Like any good storm, it blows over.
No, you spoiled it.
No, I haven't.
I haven't spoiled it, I swear, because there's many more idiocies, many more layers of stupidity.
The reaction of the government is fantastic and hilarious.
It's all wrong and yet brilliant.
The thing I like about disaster movies, right, Van Helsing, as anyone who's seen it will know, is unwatchably awful.
It's got no pacing, it's just like being hit in the face with a baseball bat and shouted at for an hour and a half.
But disaster movies have pacing.
They've got special effect, then 10 minutes of talking, then another special effect.
So even though it's complete rubbish, it actually feels sort of like a proper film.
So, better or worse than... My voice actually trembled then.
Yeah, I know.
I feel so passionately about this.
Better or worse than Deep Impact?
Better, more money shots.
The shot of the tidal wave engulfing New York and toppling the Twin Towers like dominoes is extraordinary in Deep Impact, but there's only about four minutes of it.
Better or worse than Independence Day?
Oh, better.
Oh, man, I'm so excited now.
That's excellent.
What am I supposed to be saying here?
So I've done a deal with my friend Edgar Wright, who directed Space and Shaun of the Dead, who's described in today's Guardian Guide.
What, Adam?
What?
No, go on.
He's described as part of a cult comedy
Mafia.
No, partnership with Charlotte Hathaway from Ash.
I've done a deal with him that if I play Charlotte's new single, which is fantastic, it's called Kim Wilde, it's her first solo single, if I play it on this show, he's going to guarantee me that my diary of being a zombie in Shaun of the Dead will go on the Shaun of the Dead DVD.
Your diary?
Yeah, I made a video diary when I was a zombie on Shaun of the Dead.
It might not fit on the Shaun of the Dead DVD, but Edgar says if I play Shaun of the Dead, it stands a better chance of getting on there.
Isn't this all wholly legal?
Probably.
But you know, even if I hadn't done that deal, I would be playing this single because it is really fantastic.
It's by Charlotte Hathley of Ash.
It's her first solo single.
It's called Kimwah.
Let's hear it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Who's that then Adam?
That was Franz Ferdinand.
They're hot, they're so hot right now.
Franz Ferdinand, they're hot.
And take me out, you're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
It's got cloudy, I went to go and check.
Has it?
Yes.
So all this talk about it being an amazing scorching weekend is a load of old rollocks.
It's a load of old rubbish.
Maybe it'll clear up again.
I don't know.
We've got Ditties in the Dark coming up very shortly.
But right now we'd like to launch our Adam and Joe film club.
Joe, would you like to tell us more?
Yes.
You know, we should have some sort of background music for this, shouldn't we?
But let's face it, we haven't prepared any.
Have we got the film 2097 music?
Ah, yeah.
Okay, Adam and Jo's Bad Film Club.
This is very similar to Richard and Judy's and Opera Winfrey's Book Club.
Oprah.
But instead of doing books, we're gonna do rubbish films.
So, listeners, what we'd like to do is to get as many of you as possible to watch the same film on telly this week.
Now, you'll either have to be unemployed, or lazy, or just, you know, stay up late to see this.
Or in prison.
But, uh, tomorrow is tomorrow- no, the day after tomorrow, Monday the 17th.
Well, the whole world's gonna be covered in ice and snow, I thought.
It's true, but, you know, it'll give you something to do while you're huddling by the fire.
Okay.
Uh, so this Monday, Monday the 17th, at 5 past 11 in the evening on BBC One, is the Lenny Henry film, True Identity.
Now we'd like as many listeners as possible to watch True Identity.
Adam and I will be watching True Identity and making notes.
And then next week, at the same sort of time, maybe about half past two, we'll all gather together and discuss True Identity, its positive points and its merits.
And by doing the week with a different film, we hope to raise the illiteracy level of the country in the same way that Richard and Judy and Oprah have raised the literacy level.
Yeah, we'd like to make everyone illiterate, at least by the end of the month.
So this week's Adam and Jo Movie Club movie is True Identity, starring Lenny Henry and Frank Langella, at 5 past 11 this Monday night, Monday the 17th.
Do you want a little plot synopsis?
Go on then, quickly.
Henry plays a struggling actor who takes over the identity of a fugitive mob supremo by having an FX pal trans- Man, brilliant.
I'll be watching, and so should you be, and then next week we can discuss it all together.
After the break, Ditty's in the dark.
It's Diddy's In The Dock time here on the Adam and Jo Radio Show on XFM.
Each week, we battle to choose a record to play amongst the tightly-playlisted nuggets on the XFM playlist.
You know what?
I think I'm saying err a lot today.
Your brother's been complaining that we say err too much.
I think I'm at fault.
You know what?
I don't care.
Err, I don't err care.
Err, David.
Err, Buxton.
Err, err.
Yeah, exactly.
Err, yeah.
I know a word ending with err that would describe you.
Yeah, reindeer.
Yeah, that's the one.
OK, so, Joe, do you want to go first this week?
OK, yes I do!
My Dizzy in the Dot this week is By the Blue Turns.
I think the Blue Turns are a massively under-appreciated and underrated band.
They were huge, the beginning of Britpop, now that Britpop's died, they're the one band that deserved to survive.
He's got a beautiful voice, Mark Morris, he's a lovely fella, and this is one of my favourite songs by them, it's called Slight Return by the Blue Turns.
Where did you go when things went wrong with you?
It goes like that, doesn't it?
Yeah, that's a good one.
Slight Return by the Blue Tones, that one is Slight Return, Blue Tones 08712221049.
Okay, so, my choice this week is by a group called Matching Mole.
And you might be more familiar with the lead singer, who is Robert Wyatt.
And he used to be in a band called The Soft Machine, and of course he's released a great deal of stuff as a solo artist.
and he's got a kind of very... Do you know who he is, Joe?
Well, I've heard of him.
He did a cover of Shipbuilding, didn't he, years and years ago?
Yeah, that's right.
He's got a very kind of high voice and he sings in his little kind of high voice and he's just a wonderful, very English figure, unfortunately confined to a wheelchair after falling out of a window drunk as a skunk when he was in the soft machine.
But he's still an amazing talent.
Anyway, this is a kind of weird nugget.
How does it go, the song that you want to play?
It's called Signed Curtain.
This is from 1972 and it's a real sort of ahead of its time post-modern weird bit of rubbish because it sort of talks about the fact that he hasn't got any lyrics for the song.
So he just goes, this is the first verse.
Yes, this is the first, first, first, first.
And this is the chorus.
And he kind of goes on like that.
I like the sound of it.
And it's genius.
It's just a kind of genius song.
It makes you think, why does anyone bother writing lyrics at all?
You just go, this is the bridge.
And then there's a key change and everything.
There's a key change?
Yeah, and this is the key change.
It's really good.
I'm not doing it justice.
You know what?
I think I've heard that before.
Have you really?
Yeah, that does ring a big bell.
It's a real smash and it's just the kind of thing that you probably wouldn't hear.
Hey, hey, hey, time up man.
Played on any station.
Time up man.
Let alone XFM.
So is it going to be Blue Tones or Matching Mole?
Blue Tones or Matching Mole?
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
It's going to be the best of five calls, right?
Yep, best of five calls wins it.
0-8-7-1-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Blue Tones or Matching Mole?
You'll find out after this from D12.
That's D12 and Purple Hills, you're listening to Adam and Jo on XFM.
Still time to get your vote in for Titties in the Dock.
Is it going to be the Blue Tones with Slight Return or Robert Wyatt and Matching Mole with signed curtains?
Well, that's going to be difficult for people to vote for.
You say Blue Tones or Wyatt?
Yeah, Blue Tones or, well, Matching Mole.
And listen, I think the number is confusing some listeners, because when not, we usually get a massive amount of calls.
It might be either the Sun or the new number that is holding some of you back from calling.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9 to vote for either Robert Wyatt or the Blue Tones.
Which do you want to hear?
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Sorry, carry on.
7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
There you go, something nice and fluffy for a summery day.
That's Muse with Absolution.
Calm down, Muse!
It's the gut-wrenching climax to Dizzy's in the Dock.
This week it's the Blue Tones with Slight Return versus a signed curtain by Matching Mole.
I think maybe I'm pushing the envelope with Matching Mole.
I've got a feeling that the listeners have not gone with Robert Wyatt.
Well, you never know.
There could be a last-minute turnaround.
Shall we go to the phone lines?
Best of five?
Okay, here we go.
Simon, are you there?
Yeah, hello mate.
Hey Simon, how are you doing?
I'm alright.
Good.
Is it going to be Blue Tones or Robert Wyatt?
Blue Tones, mate.
Good choice.
Thank you, Simon.
Thanks very much for calling, Simon.
One for the Blue Tones.
Come on, Matching Mole.
Let's hear it.
Joe, is he there?
Yeah.
Come on, Joe.
You all right?
Yeah, you all right?
Yeah.
I'll say no.
What?
Which one are you going for, Joe?
Mole.
The Mole.
Oh, yeah.
Whoa.
Welcome, Matching Mole.
Thank you very much, Joe.
Thank you, Joe.
OK, so it's one-all.
Kate, are you there?
Hello.
Hello, Kate.
Slight return please.
Slight return, very polite.
Thanks for calling Kate.
Do we have another caller?
Who have we got?
We have Michael.
Michael are you there?
Hi, I'm Matthew Mause, my brother just made me listen to it and I think Matthew Mause people would appreciate.
Wow!
So it's one all, do we have a fifth call?
Here we go.
Wow, this is genuinely real for real spontaneous calls.
Hello.
Who are we talking to for a start?
Richard.
Hi Richard, what are you voting for?
Matching Mole or Blue Tones?
Big Tones.
Thanks Richard.
That was close man.
That was close, never mind.
When things go right for you.
When the nights hang out for you.
All you needed was to pray You just had to ask and then You don't have the heart best to go to the best of the problems And don't go hoping for a miracle All this will fade away
Locked away or on your own Chants and your head all blown home What did you learn?
It was unfortunate You missed your chance to find out that You don't have to have the solution You've got to understand the problems And don't go hoping for a fear
All this will fade away So I'm coming home
All this will fade away
I wonder if everyone heard me going, turn the whistling down, man, at the beginning of that track.
I was confused.
I think the mic was still on.
The mic was still on.
The ditties in the dock bed was going on underneath the tones.
Sorry about that.
I thought it went quite well, the whistling.
Yeah.
Mark Morris would be into that kind of thing.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, that was very good.
I mean, you know, you can't go wrong with that.
Blue Tones and Slight Return.
But, you know, if you've got any kind of musical adventurousness in you, then go out and find yourself a copy of Matching Mole.
Play it next week, man.
Play it next week on the show.
Do you know what?
It's not the kind of song that you would really hear on XFM, and I can understand there's a time and a place for everything, but it's well worth seeking out.
Anyway, thanks very much for listening.
We really appreciate it.
Slightly chaotic show this week.
You know, but next week we'll have another afternoon play for you and other celebrity regression and all great news.
Plus, we're leaving you in the slick and capable hands of John Hillcock now here on XFM.
We'll see you next week.
Bye!