Hi, I'm Adam.
Hi, I'm Joe.
Joe.
Yeah.
Wow.
Have they done some special eye dents for us?
No, I did it.
Wow.
I thought we needed a special eye dent in the style of the XFM eye dents.
Yeah, it's exciting.
Well, I'm going to try and make it more complicated.
What, as the weeks go on?
Yeah, longer and more complicated.
So in the end... Allow, allow.
That sort of thing.
Yeah, exactly.
Confused, rocky.
Check, check.
Ready to go?
Yes.
OK, go, that kind of thing.
What about the XFM one that goes, erm, er, what is it?
He's sort of stumbling, isn't he?
What am I going to say next?
We're in London.
Yeah, there's a few.
We should get some of that in.
OK, we'll work on that for next week.
Something like, I don't know what I'm doing.
Like that.
That's good, man.
Oh, we should have recorded that.
Hey, Joe, are you ready for the show?
No.
Nah, but who cares?
XFM.
Yeah, brilliant.
And then they'll end up around seven minutes.
and then we won't have to speak, we'll just have stings.
So you know I did the show on my own last week?
I did, I listened and I got about halfway from the end and then I went through a tunnel and when I came out the other side I could no longer hear you.
I gave tickets away to the premiere of Finding Neverland to a very sweet little girl.
She was going to dress as a fairy.
Yeah she did and she went along and she was called Lucy and she went along dressed as a fairy and she's emailed us to say thank you.
What a lovely email.
and er... What a lovely email.
I can't.
Why?
It's kind of quite, you know, it's just not that exciting.
It's a lovely email, but we don't really do lovely, do we?
Come on, we should start.
Dear Joe, just wanted to let you know what a fantastic time me and my mummy had on Sunday night at the Finding Neverland premiere.
Thanks so much for giving me the tickets.
We met lots of nice people and I met Johnny Vegas and had my picture taken with him.
I also met the man from The Office, the one that loves the receptionist.
That would be Martin Freeman, right?
Yeah.
He was really nice and has a lovely smile.
The film was nice and my mummy cried.
I wore my fairy outfit and my suede pink boots.
My mummy said I was a fairy with attitude.
I took lots of pictures and will send you one of me and my dress.
Thank you once again, love from Lucy Agedate, big XFM fan.
PS, I was born in 1996, but you didn't have it on your list, so I had to put 1991.
I guess that's the thing you do when you e-mail us.
But that's nice, isn't it?
That's really nice.
Yeah.
We should print that out.
We're not going to get many e-mails like that.
That's true, isn't it?
Usually it's like, why don't you shut up and play some music?
Yeah.
You student twa- oh, no, I can't
If you want to tell us to shut up and play some music, you can text us all through the show on 83XFM or email us at adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
All emails and texts are read and the rude ones do have a small debilitating effect on our confidence in psychology.
That's true.
Well, we've got a new competition this week.
We've got two new competitions.
I did a competition as well.
Did you?
Yes.
What's your one?
So after weeks with no competitions, we've got a competition pile up.
The only thing we haven't really got is prizes.
We can figure out some.
There's always the Adam and Joe DVD.
Well, my one is Crap Commentary Corner.
Can I say crap?
Yeah.
Crap Commentary Corner.
I've basically spent hours going through film commentaries.
I've picked out some of the stupidest moments.
We played a clip.
People have to work out what film they're from.
Simple as that.
Brilliant.
That is brilliant.
Yeah.
Good job, man.
And my one is called Mummification.
Right.
And it's basically my ma, who you know, of course, but maybe the listeners don't.
And I thought, in a way, everyone knows your mum.
Exactly.
She's an uber mum.
And she's got a tendency to ramble incoherently about all sorts of things that have come through the sort of Daily Mail filter of her mind.
Things from the world of pop culture that have penetrated the brains of the more senior citizen.
Yeah, because she's pushing 70 now.
In fact, she may be over 70.
Really?
And so, I guess she's listening.
No, she can't hear.
She lives in Reading and you can't get XFM in Reading unless you're on digital, which she doesn't have.
So she basically has been rambling about stuff and I will play people her rambles and you'll have to guess what she's rambling on about.
So what are we going to do?
Are we going to do a competition an hour or something?
Yeah, why not?
We could have... I don't know.
Who wants to go first?
Maybe there's too many competitions.
Well, let's do yours first.
All right.
See how we go, because we've got ditties in the dock as well, and we might want to talk about some stuff.
Shall we just not play any music?
Yeah, why not?
Let's just play one record.
What are you going to talk about this week?
All kinds of stuff.
I want to ask about the best sex scenes in films that you actually watch the whole of, so not dirty, smutty films, but supposedly proper films that have filthy, fantastic smut in them.
So if you've got one of your favourite films like that, perhaps you could email us.
Steve Laughs
The whole of the film rather than the whole of the sex scene.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The whole of the film.
Yeah.
Well, that might be a bit dirty.
This is a family show.
Well, don't make it dirty.
We'll keep it clean.
Well, we're just warning people.
Don't make it dirty.
Speak in metaphors.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
I want to talk about all sorts of stuff.
I've got a clothes problem I need to talk about.
And an ad, of course.
Favourite ads this week rather than hateful ads.
Really?
We want to talk about.
Well, there's one that everyone's talking about.
We won't mention it yet.
But I want to talk about that a bit later on.
Stick with us.
Adam and Joe on XFM.
That is Helicopter by Block Party.
Incidentally, the show began with The Strokes, The End Has No End, and Big Sur by The Thrills.
Later on, we'll be playing the Manic Street Preachers, Snow Patrol, Razorlight, Red Hot Chili Peppers, all sorts of good stuff, and a bit of Blur, Graham Cox and Zootons.
Also, a little sort of featurette.
which is called Shouting Classics.
I think each week we're going to be playing a shouting classic, a song, a classic song that features some screaming or shouting in it.
And that's, again, something that you could email us with, your favourite shouting classic.
We'll be playing that a bit later on.
We're also unveiling the first of our new competitions, Mummification, in, well, after the next song, I think, very shortly, within about ten minutes, so stay tuned for that.
Now, Joe, Little Britain, did you watch that this week, the first of the new series?
Yes.
Very enjoyable.
It was the, you know, very rare... I enjoy lots of things on TV, but not that much actually makes you laugh out loud.
And it did, although, you know, some people have been saying, what are they doing?
They've pushed it too far.
They're going to alienate their massive amount of fans by being too freakishly gross with the whole thing.
What do you think?
What I think a lot, and I know a lot, but I don't know what I can say.
What can you, well, what the hell kind of answer is that?
Well, I've been doing the behind-the-scenes documentary for series two, so I've read all the scripts, and I was there for a lot of the shooting, and I've read all the stuff that was cut out for being too extreme.
A lot has been cut out.
Yeah.
And even more, I think, is going to be cut out when it goes into one.
I think they're going to snip and change some lines.
Oh, yeah.
Which is a weird thing, because apparently... You see, this is where I'm not sure what I should say and what I shouldn't say.
Well, just talk about it.
I know too much.
Talk about what we all know.
Well, it was very funny.
I think it's a great new series.
What made you laugh the most?
I really like the puking, the racist pukers.
Even though that's, er, that's Mr Creosote, isn't it?
Not really.
From Monty Python?
No, because Creosote doesn't, his puking doesn't hinge on another gag.
He just eats so much that he pukes a lot.
Yeah, that's true.
This is more of an, you know, outward expression of sort of disgust at people and social things.
Yeah.
Er, so it's got extra layers.
Yeah, that made me laugh.
The thing that made me laugh, er,
Actually, pretty much all the really revolting stuff did actually make me laugh.
Which is unusual, because I'm not a big fan of the revolting.
A lot of stuff in the last series of Bow Select, for example, just turned me off.
But, the big fat lady suit, that was funny, that made me laugh.
Because it was so brilliant, the suit was brilliant.
So well made.
I couldn't believe it.
And there was a moment when I didn't know if they were going to show the full nakedness, because I hadn't read anything about it.
And I was shocked when you did actually see it.
But I tell you, I think the funniest and cleverest ones are the ones with a character called Mr. Man, who walks into the shop, into the dating agency.
Has that one gone out yet?
Oh yeah, yeah.
Asked for a date?
Well that's a fantastic one in a video shop that I think is in episode two.
And it was in series one with the pirate memory game.
Yeah, that was very good.
They're my favourites.
That was excellent.
And the one where Dave Walliams climbs on top of his mum and starts suckling her breast.
Bitty.
That was excellent.
That sort of took me by surprise.
Even though, again, I think I had read about that one.
But when it actually happened, I was sort of knocked out.
But what happens to that?
Does that just happen every week then?
No.
Well, in different ways.
OK.
Well, we'll have to find out.
And when are we going to be able to see your behind the scenes thing?
Uh, you know, when there's a slot in the cinemas, really.
Yeah.
Is it gonna come out on the DVD?
When the Odeon Leicester Square is free.
It'll certainly be on the DVD, yeah.
Yeah.
If they approve it, it's a very intimate documentary.
Is it?
And it might be a bit too intimate.
How long is it?
I don't know yet.
Depends how much David and Matt cut out.
And why is it too intimate?
Because they're candid with each other and they have embarrassing arguments with each other and stuff like that.
No, because they're candid with me.
Yeah.
And, you know, if you have a professional documentary crew come and do a documentary, you sort of have a bit of distance and you edit yourself.
But if it's sort of a friend, you tend to forget the camera's there.
Well, you and I have both done docs for big comedy sensations.
I did one on the League of Gentlemen as well.
And I know what you're talking about, because I think they said quite a few things that they probably regret in afterwards.
Although they were happy when they turned up in the doc.
There were one or two things that did have to come out, because they don't censor themselves either very much, the League.
Anyway, we're going to be right back after this next track with a new competition, Mummification.
Stand by your phones and you will be able to win... What can you win?
I don't know.
What is it, Lila?
Uh... Tickets?
A pair of tickets to the bees at the Electric Ballroom.
That would be good.
I wouldn't mind going.
And, uh, as... What's that?
Uh... A monster DVD.
What, the film monster?
I don't- she wants me to give away these books, but do you want me to- no.
Oh, good, because I want those books.
Okay, and of course there's always the, uh, you know, the Adam and Joe DVD.
I gave them all away last week.
Did you?
I panicked.
I've got a couple left, so I might be able to go give those away.
Right now, here's some music.
That's Snow Patrol with How to Be Dead.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Yeah, it's the beginning of a new competition.
And it's called Mummification.
So that's Radio 1 in the 70s.
That's the jingle.
Come on, man, that's a good jingle.
Radio 1 in the 70s was the peak of Radio 1.
That's a compliment.
Well, in the 70s, I think 80s was pretty good.
Steve, right?
Well, yeah, but you know, overall Steve Wright was the best DJ ever on Radio One when he was into this.
Let's do the quiz.
Okay, so this is called mummification.
Basically, my mum is, you know, she's not listening, so I can tell you that she's fairly old, about 70, and she tends to ramble about things that she's read in the Daily Mail or I don't know what, and she's got some fairly forthright opinions about things in the pop culture sphere.
Now she's talking about a singer today, OK?
And I'm not going to tell you any more than that.
All you have to do, it's very simple, is guess which well-known singer she's talking about.
And it's easy.
We're starting with an easy one this week.
If you think you know who my mum is going on about, just phone 0871 222 1049.
0871 222 1049.
If you can tell me what my ma is prattling on about.
Now, you're going to have to listen quite closely because she doesn't speak very loudly.
Here she comes.
He looks like a mummy.
I mean, it's a great test that he should still be wandering around the world giving concerts.
So-called entertaining people.
He should be asleep in his coffin by now and only emerging at night when no one can see him.
He's got this girlfriend who is about ten feet tall.
and he comes up to her waist and she's so tall but he's had to have the floor in the basement lowered so she doesn't hit her head so honestly you couldn't invent it oh god
I'm a mummy.
It's just that simple.
Wow.
Who's my ma going on about?
Who is she so tickled by?
Is she genuinely, is that true about having the floor lowered?
Yeah, this is all, I don't know where she's got her info from.
And she genuinely finds, yeah, that was very sweet.
Do you know who she's talking about?
Yeah, because you told me.
Oh, okay, yeah, I forgot.
Well, if you know who that was, then just call 0871 222 1049.
You could win tickets to go and see the bees at the Electric Ballroom on the 28th of October.
That would be a fantastic gig and well worth phoning in for.
Just phone us anyway if you know who my ma was talking about.
We'll be right back after this.
that's the love of richard nixon from the man extreme preachers fantastic i like that more and more each time i hear it's gentleman joe on xfm
I'm a mummy.
Right, it's time to announce the winner of our mummification competition.
Before Manic Street Preachers, we played a little bit of my mum rambling about a well-known aged singer.
She was talking about him being too old to perform and he should be in a coffin and he's got a very tall girlfriend for whom he has lowered the floor of his basement flat.
But who is that singer?
Now, we've got a couple of people on the line.
Who's first, Joe?
We've got Mike.
Hello, Mike.
Hey, Mike.
Hello, Adam and Joe.
How you doing?
Hello, Mike.
Hey, how you doing?
You sound like a perky person.
Who do you think my mum was going on about?
I think it was Marilyn Manson.
How'd you get Marilyn Manson from that?
Actually, no, I can see that because of... What was that?
Let's take the Manspeek.
It was the mummy.
You looked like a mummy.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
But his girlfriend, she was talking about him having a girlfriend who's ten feet tall.
That's not the case with Manson, is it?
I don't know.
I don't know him at all.
I've seen a picture and I thought, that's the guy.
Must be the right answer.
Mike, I'm afraid you're wrong.
Sorry about that, Mike.
Mike, is that real?
Are you gutted?
I am gutted, I am hurt.
It's terrible, isn't it?
I don't know if I'm going to recover this weekend.
No, I mean, we've really ruined your weekend.
Listen, we're really sorry.
You will recover.
Don't do anything stupid.
And thanks so much for calling, we appreciate your call.
Who's next, Jo?
Jo is next.
Hello, Jo.
Hello.
Hi, how are you?
I'm alright, thank you.
Are you OK?
I'm good.
Yeah.
So who do you think it was that Adam's mum was going on about?
I think it was Mick Jagger.
Why?
Because he is old and looks like a mummy and has a very tall girlfriend, I think.
Do you know the name of his girlfriend?
Well I think it was Jerry Hall.
No, that's his old wife.
Listen, I can tell you, Jo, that you are in this case correct.
That was who my mum was going on about.
And I think the name of Jagger's girlfriend at the moment is Lerenne.
And it's spelt L apostrophe W R E N. Lerenne.
She's a big tall model.
I don't know if she is ten foot.
Do you think she's just done that herself?
Just knocked a couple of letters out and put an apostrophe?
So could you be called
Er, well, it wouldn't really work with your name, would it?
Am.
Er, just knock the D out and put an apostrophe.
A-am.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A-apostrophe-M.
I could be J-apostrophe-E, yeah.
Joe, you've only got two letters in your name.
What's your full name, Joe?
Erm, it's Joanne.
Joanne, you could be... Joanne.
Yeah, that would be good.
It works well with yours.
Yeah, J apostrophe... Let's all do it.
Then she'll be common as muck.
Jan.
Jan, thank you so much for your call.
You're going to go and see the bees.
Are you excited about that?
Yes, I am.
Thank you.
Oh, thanks so much for calling.
We really appreciate it.
Congratulations.
That was mummification.
It's so old school.
I love it.
I'm working the stab.
There's another competition coming up within the next 20 minutes.
Yeah, it's Competition City.
We're trying out a few new competitions.
I think what we might do is roll our competitions.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
How do you roll a competition?
Well, because you try different ones out and they keep rolling around like a new one.
Oh, I see.
Like maybe we'll have a mummification down a hill.
No, mummification one week, maybe commentaries next week, maybe even celebrity regression.
Depends what's popular with the listeners.
This is very much a listener-driven show.
Absolutely.
It's very interactive in that respect.
Now, we're going to be talking about adverts very shortly.
I really want to talk about an ad that a lot of people are talking about.
And right now, I'm going to unveil another small feature, a featurette.
Shouting Classics.
Right.
Every week, I'm going to play a shouting classic, a song that contains some fantastic screaming and shouting.
And we're starting with a very strong contender for the all-time shouting classic, Crown.
And it's, of course, the Foo Fighters.
Mm-hmm, that's Vice by Razorlight.
He gives out his mobile phone number at the end there.
Does he?
I bet it's just got some sort of a sales line on the other end, selling Razorlight singles.
If you listen carefully at the end, he does give out, he says, phone me on my mobile, the number's, oh, want something, and then, I can't remember what the number was.
Well, we should work it out and call it.
Yeah, that's not a bad idea, is it?
That's quite a bad idea.
So, Joe, what's the ad that everyone, the nation has taken to their hearts?
I don't know what you're going on about.
It's not the stupid Guinness one.
I like the stupid Guinness one.
Which is the stupid Guinness one.
Well, where they get the prisoner, the sexy prisoner, and take him to a prison with no walls, no bars.
And he has to tame a wild stallion.
I haven't seen that one.
And he just lets the wild stallion go.
And then they say, well, you let it free.
You set it free.
You catch it.
so he finds it in a lake and bonds with it and then rides it away.
Then no doubt gets very pissed up on Guinness and sells the horse to buy some smack.
Nice.
Obviously that's not what happens.
That's just what I'm imagining.
Conjecture.
Now the ad I'm thinking about, all I have to do is this.
You know the one?
No.
Come on, you know that one.
It's the Honda advert.
The animated one with all the bunnies.
Oh, that one makes me angry.
Why?
Because it's a large, you know, fuel company.
who are polluting the world.
They're trying to go greener though, the diesel.
Yeah, but that's such a lame tactic, isn't it?
Stuff your advert full of bunnies.
It might as well be something out of the Parallax View, one of those brainwashing films, with little bunnies and rainbows.
Plus, it's treating people like infants.
In what way?
They might as well just get the Teletubbies to go, oh, oh, driving car good, driving car good, pollution is good, dee dee dee dee doo.
Like that.
They're saying pollution's bad.
They want to change the thing to a lower fuel emission.
I know what you mean.
You're right, of course.
At the end of the day, it's like... It's like when BP turned all of their garages green.
People say we pollute things, so let's paint everything green.
That's right.
It's a logo like a flower.
It actually works.
Our logo is like a flower.
We changed the logo, I think.
I can't remember.
So you like the ad, do you?
Yeah.
Change something, make it, hate something.
Hate something, change something, uh... Make it better.
I've got all the lyrics here.
How has this been taken?
Listeners, has this been taken to your heart?
People love it, man.
I went on to the... Who are people?
I went, uh, lots of people.
I went to the internet.
And there's a load of sites.
The internet, they're not real people on the internet.
Well, you'd be... They'd be loonies.
You'd be surprised.
But there's a lot of people and they are raving about it.
And it is catchy.
You can't deny the power of the ad.
I mean, they're onto something pretty good there.
The combination of the tune with the little whistly bit, it's Garrison Keillor, who's an American humorist, a writer.
I think he wrote for the New Yorker.
And what's he got to do with that ad?
He sings it.
That's his voice.
I don't know if he came up with a tune or not.
And inevitably they'll release the tune, I would imagine, at some stage and then the whole thing will take another depressing turn.
But for the sheer power and artistry of the ad, the actual graphics, the way it's all put together, it's quite amazing, don't you think?
No.
Not impressed?
No.
Not impressed at all?
No.
I think so.
No.
It's a beautiful job.
you're not impressed on principle because it's- No, no, no, I didn't think it was that- that- it's nice animation, yeah, it's well done.
It's very influenced by Japanese folk, isn't it?
Japanese artists.
I think it is a Japanese artist who did it.
Yeah, and so therefore- yeah, it's just derivative.
I- I don't know, I just don't- Even if it's a Japanese guy.
It's not principle, I just- I just feel- you know, when an advert's good but it's for something that's kind of wrong, it makes me even more upset.
Yeah, I know what you're saying.
Well, it's hard.
It's hard to enjoy the thing.
I wish it was for a pop video or something, you know what I mean?
And then you can kind of indulge in the artistry and not feel too bad about it.
Even though it's just, you know, this is a capitalist society.
That's a different matter.
Yeah, exactly.
That's great.
That's a great product.
Yeah.
Oh boy.
Well, I only got Cena.
Couple of times.
It was no hate something change something, I tell you that.
No.
Have you got any favourite ads at the moment?
The one I like best, it's not very appropriate, but I think it's very powerful, is the new NSPCC advert.
With the man with the ventriloquist dummy of a little girl.
Have you seen that?
Yeah, that's creepy.
It is genuinely really creepy.
It's a bit like that Anthony Hopkins film, Magic.
Oh, that was on the other night.
But they try really hard to upset you with adverts like that.
It's like the quest for, um, road safety adverts.
And ciggie adverts.
And I think that one with the ventriloquist dummy really works.
There's another very funny road safety advert.
I don't know whether you've seen it.
It's a kind of fake hip-hop ad with a racket called Little Big.
And it's like, when you look at it first, it's just a poster for Little Big's new album.
I don't know.
I can't remember what it's called.
But then it says cancelled across it.
because he was hit by a car.
Oh dear.
He was 14.
Oh no.
Yeah.
But, er, I really like it when they try and reach the kids.
I know.
With adverts like that.
Yeah.
It's weird though, I don't know, um, I don't know how effective they are because, you know, especially with the NSPCC ones, you sort of think, is that really going to change someone's mind if they're sort of, er, you know, confused and, and,
sick enough to actually be hurting children.
Are they going to watch those ads and think... Who knows?
Who knows?
Maybe I shouldn't.
Who knows?
Hope so, obviously.
Hope they are effective.
But anyway, there you go.
You can't really get better than the little hedgehogs, though, crossing the road for road safety.
Oh, yeah, well, they kind of cleaned up the little guy's voice because he sang it so badly.
What was the song he sang?
I can't remember.
But I'll never forget the little hedgehogs.
Bring back the little hedgehogs.
I think go for a charm in safety adverts.
Yeah.
Not shock.
Oh, I'm trying to remember the song.
If you can remember the song, the little hedgehogs sound really badly out of tune.
Listen, we've got another competition coming up any second.
It's crap commentary.
Oh, I didn't say that right, really, did I?
It's the crap commentary competition.
We're going to play you an excerpt from a commentary track of a major movie in about five minutes time.
You've got to tell me what the movie is.
It's a good extract.
So stay tuned.
Yeah, stay tuned here on XFM right now.
Here's some music.
From...
Do me bad things.
That's the bucket Kings of Leon sounding.
I don't like the strokes there, especially at the beginning, but very good.
That's Adam and Joe on XFM.
It's time for our second count them, not one, but two competitions this week.
And this competition is called?
This is called the Crap Commentary Competition.
The number is 08712221049.
You could win, wait for it, a special collector's edition of the film Munster.
And it's signed.
Why, by us?
By Joe Corden.
By me.
I'm going to sign it.
You should sign it.
Instantly halving its value.
And I'm going to do like a fake Charlize Theron signature on it.
I tell you what, we'll sign it on the plastic outer packaging so you can peel it off and throw it away.
It's powerful and staggering and compelling and incredible.
I haven't seen it because it looks a bit depressing and boring.
But anyway, you could win it.
It's one of those Oscar-winning monster-based films, like Monster's Ball, that you don't really want to see.
There's never a right time for Monster.
Anyway, we don't want to do down the prize, because this is a good competition.
No, it's a great prize.
It's a good competition.
So we're going to play you a clip from a commentary track from a major film.
Er, so you, all you have to do is call 08712221049.
Tell us what film, er, is being commented on by this man.
I'll give you a clue, he's the producer of the film.
and he is kind of it's one of those commentary moments where they've sort of run out of things to say and he's generally just trying to be a good guy and and fill in you know just just just fill in dead air now is this a film that came out this year i'm not going to tell you about him oh really it's quite horrible isn't it fair enough this year it came out this year yeah okay
So it's a recent film.
Here's an excerpt from the commentary by the producer, 08712221049, if you know what film this guy's commentating over.
Listen to this.
Here comes that music.
It's getting exciting now.
Oh, here we go.
It's getting exciting.
here comes the big music again I'm singing again
What a lunatic!
How is he allowed to produce a turd?
This guy is a big film producer.
When I read you the list of what that man has produced, you won't believe it.
Wow!
So if you know who that guy is talking about, 0-8-7-1- Hey, hey, hey, what film are you guys commentating over?
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Now we've got another clip.
Do you want to play that now?
What do you think?
Are the phone lines lighting up?
Is the other clip going to make it more clear?
The other clip might make it a bit... Let's play the other clip.
The other clip is a moment where this producer and the director are getting a bit annoyed with each other, because the producer, who you just heard, thinks he's quite funny, and he's taking the Mickey out of some of the characters in the film, and listen to how the director gets annoyed with him and sort of politely tells him to shut up.
Well, what are we going to do?
There's that genius president again.
What should we do?
What about the people in the north?
There's the genius vice president, and there's the Secretary of State.
Where should they go?
Oh, what are we going to do now?
What do you think we should do, Mr. Vice President?
What should we do?
Oh, what do you think we should do?
What do you think we should do?
Yeah, funny guy.
Mr. Funny Guy Producer.
Let it alone.
Will you shut up, you freak!
What film are they talking about?
08712221049 to win a copy of Monster, one of the films of the year.
Signed copy.
Signed copy, yeah.
With our fake signatures on it.
We'll be right back with the winner after this.
It's Adam and Joe on XFM Bumman's 104.9.
What was that at?
That was Mercury Rev.
That's a new one from them.
First single to be taken from their sixth album, The Secret Migration, out in January 2005.
Terrific stuff.
Yeah.
Can we hear this crap commentary clip again?
The first one that I like to call Bum Bum Bum Bum?
This is the competition we're running at the moment.
If you just tuned in, this is an excerpt from a producer's commentary on a DVD of a recent film.
We've got people on the line who are trying to guess what film this guy is talking about.
Let's hear it again.
A lot of wrong answers.
It is difficult.
Have a listen.
Here comes that music.
It's getting exciting now.
Oh, here we go.
It's getting exciting.
Here comes the big music again.
I'm singing again.
What a loony.
He is the most annoying person in the world.
La la la la la.
He's a famous person.
He's excited about the music.
A tiny child, as if he's never seen a film before, even though he's one of Hollywood's most successful producers.
Have you got Brian on the line?
Hello, Brian.
Oh, hello there.
How are you doing?
Very well.
How are you doing?
Uh, not too bad, thanks.
What an appalling day it is today, isn't it?
Yeah, pretty nasty, yeah.
Absolute rubbish.
Yeah.
Um, so, anyway, you know, it's good to talk about the weather and stuff.
Yeah.
But, uh, what do you think, uh, that is from?
Uh, I thought it was from Fahrenheit 9-11, actually.
And what makes you think that?
Er, well, the second part that you played.
OK, the bit where he is... I was talking about the President.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so, who do you think that could be, the producer of Fahrenheit 9-11?
I think it could be Michael Moore, yeah, yeah.
Michael Moore, just, er, he's made a very political film and then on the commentary he goes, boom, ba-boom, here comes the music!
Do you think that's likely, Brian?
Come on!
It's not likely, is it?
I'm Michael Moore.
He'd be ranting on his commentaries, not just going, but could the provident... I know, that's fairly true.
The second one is feasible.
Yeah, that's right.
He'd be saying, on December 25th, the president of the... It's stuff like that.
Yeah.
Brian, thanks so much for calling now, but you're wrong.
Sorry, Brian.
Thanks a lot for your call.
Now we've got John on the line.
Hello, John.
Hi.
Hello, how are you?
Very well, thank you.
Are you a robot or are you calling on a mobile phone?
No, I'm sorry, I am calling on a mobile.
Okay, you sound like a robot.
I'm going to imagine that you are a robot.
Robots aren't allowed on the competition.
Yeah.
Because they know everything and they've got powers.
And you're going to rebel against humanity soon.
Like an iRobot.
I haven't seen iRobot.
Yeah, good thing too, it's rubbish.
John, John, hello, are you still there?
Yeah, still here, yeah.
What film do you think that commentary is from, John?
I think it's A Day After Tomorrow.
What makes you think that?
Because I saw the film on a recent trip to Los Angeles.
Right, ooh.
And did you, have you listened to the commentary?
The second part of the commentary talks about the people in the North and I remember that scene from the film.
So you've actually, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well John, you're correct.
Absolutely right, John.
Well done.
It is a producer called Mark Gordon who produced The Day After Tomorrow and he also made The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The Patriot, Saving Private Ryan, Speed 2 and Speed.
I'm looking forward to his commentary for Saving Private Ryan.
Look at all the guys, running up the beach.
Bang, bang, bang.
Ooh, they've been shot.
Ooh, my arm's fallen off.
That kind of thing.
Do you think, John?
Hello?
Hello.
You're just tolerating this programme, aren't you?
John, listen, thanks a lot for calling in.
You were absolutely correct, and your prize, a copy of Monster, is winging its way to you.
Have you seen Monster, John?
I haven't, no.
Well, there you go.
Now you can.
Fantastic, thank you.
Thank you.
And now imagine what the commentary on that is like.
I would like to hear his... Can you imagine?
Now she's gonna kill somebody.
Her face has been dramatically transformed.
So was that a successful competition?
Yeah, two successful competitions.
I've got some very good ones for the next couple of weeks as well.
Oh, man.
I'm controlling my DVD collection and I've found some idiotic behaviour on commentaries.
That is a great one.
Listeners could suggest stuff, couldn't they?
If you've listened to a DVD commentary and you've heard a particularly annoying or strange bit of behaviour by somebody, then do email us, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk or text us 83xfm and maybe we could use it in future weeks.
Then you can ring in, get it right, get the competition.
Bish bash bosh.
Yeah, sweet as.
Due to phenomenal public demand, news are now playing two nights at Earl's Court on Sunday 19th and Monday 20th of December.
This follows the success of their platinum-selling album Absolution and stunning Glastonbury headline performance.
Tickets are available from the XFM Exchange on 08712221049 or online at xfm.co.uk, XFM's London.
Thanks Lenny, it says at the bottom.
Is that okay?
There you go.
We have to read that out.
Two nights at Earl's Court, 19th and 20th of December for Muse.
That's my birthday.
20th of December, that's my birthday.
Why don't you go along, man?
Because I want to have a good day.
I must say that song was a bit depressing for such a rainy day.
Yeah, but if you're 12, you know, and the world seems a bad place.
Yeah.
That was a little bit of music there for the muse announcement.
I'm going to fade that out now.
Thanks for everybody who texted in to say that the hedgehogs sing King of the Road in that.
That's right.
We've got an amazingly responsive audience out there, Adam and Joe listeners.
And the razor light, the number at the end of the razor light song, he gives out a mobile phone number.
Apparently if you call it, you just hear the song, or it says, the mailbox you have called is full.
But apparently they've done that on Christian O'Connell's breakfast show.
So we've got to go deeper, we've got to think of, you know, cleverer things
Do you know what?
I wanted to make a request from our responsive listeners.
And this is a sincere request.
I want you to send me school magazines.
Any school mags that you've got lying around.
If you're still at school, that would be great.
If you've got some old ones, fantastic.
And any particular reason?
Well, I've got an idea that I will sort of tell you if I ever get any.
Right.
But I was looking through some old school mags basically the other day and they were really funny.
They were making me laugh out loud.
Yeah.
And I looked at someone else's as well and they were pretty funny.
There's always just good stuff in there.
I was looking at one, coincidentally enough.
Yeah.
Greycoats school.
Everyone out there goes to Greycoats.
I was looking at the new edition of the coat rack.
Is that what it's called?
Which is the Greycoats's.
Because there's official school magazines and then there's sort of indie ones that are done by the pupils, right?
Oh, I didn't even know that.
Yeah, well, we used to have them at our school, yeah.
Oh, well, there were some horrible ones at our school, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, Graycoats school has one called the coat rack, I was listening to it, and it's just got pages and pages of newspaper articles about politics.
Wow, yeah the ones that we had at our school were all stuff like Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish are weeds and we should beat them up.
Weeds, they were the nice ones.
I tell you the other thing that's really good in school mags are the sort of letters and poems and essays pages.
Yeah exactly, the creative writing section.
The creative writing, they are amazing.
There's one in, no I can't really talk about that.
Well I'm going to bring in a mag next week that
just fantastic from my school and my sister's school and it's got some really good poems like properly good really but funny but written by about ten-year-olds and nine-year-olds right and some of them are just genius did you ever get anything in school in a school magazine yeah I've got a few pictures in well maybe next week we'll bring in our poem because I got a couple of things I got I wrote an ask about Venice
I remember that.
And the first line, the first time I'd been to Venice, I wrote a little essay about my impressions on Venice, and I was quite a haughty little boy.
No.
And yeah, believe it or not, and the first line of my essay was, even I was amazed at the beauty of Venice.
Even Joe Cornyn.
Even I.
So listen, if you've got school mags that you can afford to send in, uh, then please send them to Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish, Adam and Joe, uh, at XFM and the address is... I'm just getting it now.
The address is XFM number 30 Leicester Square WC2H 7CA.
No, 7LA looked like a C. So the postcode is WC2H7LA and it's number 30 Leicester Square, XFM.
That's where you can come as well if you want to mob us.
Yeah, if you want to get autographs or...
Yeah, come on, no one ever... If you're a successful DJ, you're supposed to have little fans outside the door and you never have anybody.
Successful being the operative word.
Well, I'm just trying to engineer the accoutrements of success by encouraging people to come and meet us outside the studio.
You be warned, we will just go, yeah, sign things and then walk off.
But it'll make us feel good.
Hey, I got recognised the other day, it made my day.
I was in HMV Hotel, some big redwood shop,
and the guy behind the counter sort of blushed and recognized me and shook my hand.
It just made me so happy, I can't tell you.
So I was kind of floating on a high and as I was leaving the shop someone said, Hey Adam!
and so I sort of thought, recognise again.
So I kind of, you know, didn't even look and just sort of waved and then went off and then I got a text about five minutes later from a friend of mine saying, why did you ignore me?
Easily done when you're actually not very famous.
Yeah.
Where you think you are.
Exactly.
So, it's exciting news for Westlife fans.
Why?
They've released an album of Sinatra covers, do you know what it's called?
You mentioned this last week, didn't you?
Did I?
I think so, yeah.
Go on, what's it called?
Did you mention this already?
I don't think you spoke about it very much, but you mentioned it.
Westlife's new album of Sinatra covers is called Allow Us To Be Frank.
Yeah, brilliant.
Which begs the idea for Blue to do a cover album called Permit Us To Be Gay.
You can't- Marvin Gaye covers?
Oh, okay, yeah, that's good.
Permit us to be gay.
I didn't, uh, yeah.
I couldn't think of any others.
I was working on Blazin' Squad, what would their, um, permit us to be crap?
Well, there's no artists called crap, Adam.
I swear you've let the joke down.
Sorry.
I haven't, er, I didn't think it through.
Come on, but this has to be gay, he's good.
Isn't it?
That is very good.
Let's think of some more while, er, when we play another song.
We've got Ditty's in the Dark coming up.
In the next ten minutes, Joe and I will be battling it out for Who Gets to Play.
Will we?
So soon?
The last song.
Yeah, man, it's already twenty-two, well, twenty-five to, er, three.
Who Gets to Play, the last song of the show.
We're gonna be, er, arguing about that shortly.
And then, of course, you've got Justin Lee Collins coming up!
Hello, mate!
How you doing?
He's mad!
How you doing?
He's mad!
Ooh, I can't believe it!
That's Ed Harcourt, born in the 70s.
That's a new single from him.
That's fantastic.
Very enjoyable.
I saw Ed Harcourt the other day at an Ante Bush benefit gig.
Right, right.
It was a good gig.
Stuart Lee was doing a bit of stand up there and Robin Hitchcock was singing.
And Ed Harcourt was fantastic, came on, did a version of a song called Political Science by Randy Newman.
Anyway, that's a little... If you're watching, uh, what is this called?
Young Sherlock Holmes and the Pyramids of Fear?
Something like that.
Lots of people are texting in to say that they think I look like, uh, Sherlock Holmes.
Young Sherlock.
A little bit.
Yeah, handsome, handsome, handsome man.
And Young Sherlock's sidekick looks exactly like Harry Potter.
Really?
He looks a bit like you, Adam.
Thanks very much.
Yeah.
You auditioned for that film, didn't you?
I did.
I auditioned for Young Sherlock Holmes and the Pyramid of Fear like every posh boy did back in 1980, whenever it was.
Yeah, they were scouting amongst the posh.
Yeah, and I didn't get it, but you know what?
I then went to my hairdressers and lied that I'd got it, so the person cutting my hair...
Why did you do that?
Because I just so badly wanted it.
I at least wanted to talk as if I... Because when you think you're going to get something like that, when you're a kid, you just imagine boasting about it.
That's the main thing, is going to be boasting about it.
So I thought, well, if they're not going to give it to me, at least I'll just boast about it by lying.
You retired into a kind of fantasy world.
Yeah.
I told them I'd got the role as the villain, who I guessed would be Moriarty, even, from the classic Sherlock Holmes books, even though it isn't.
How did you feel after you'd lied?
Well, I still, it's a black part of my past.
Yeah.
It's one of those moments from my youth that, you know, I'd like to go back and change, even though I doubt it.
The hairdresser didn't give a flying monkey the box.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Anyway, so is it time for Diddies in the Dock?
Certainly is.
OK, now your theory is that whoever goes first wins.
Yeah.
Well, hmm.
Can I go first this week, please?
Well, then you win!
No, because your theory's wrong, because I went first a couple of times and I lost... All right, we're not going to take any calls until both songs have been announced.
Don't dial until both songs have been announced.
Then that will get the glitch, deal with the glitch.
OK, now, we're doing a couple of proper songs this week, i.e.
not novelty songs, is that right?
Yeah, and the idea of Digits in the Dock, if you're a new listener, is Adam and I have one free play per show, you get to choose what it is.
Adam pitches a song, I pitch a song, you call in, vote for which one you want, best of five wins.
So I'm going for some Beach Boys today, because it's horrible and disgusting out there, and depressing, and I thought this might bring a bit of sunshine into people's rainy worlds.
It's a classic track from the Beach Boys that doesn't get played
Uh, that often, people usually play, like, I Get Around, or, uh, California Dreaming, or, um, you know, the other famous one.
Which I can't remember.
Good vibrations, there you go.
This is Help Me Ronda, that I want you to vote for, though.
Help me, Rhonda, help, help me, Rhonda.
And you've got to sing your one as well, Joe.
Bow, bow, bow, bow.
Help me, Rhonda, help me.
I wish you could see the look on Joe's face.
It's the look that says, you're not cool.
Nothing about you is cool.
You look like a jerk.
But I don't care, because it's a good song.
It's one of the best by the Beach Boys, in my opinion.
So vote for Help Me Ronda by the Beach Boys.
What have you got, Joe?
I've got a single by Corner Shop featuring Bubbly Quar.
And I thought this was going to be a massive hit when I first heard it.
It's a lovely bouncy bangra track.
And it sort of vanished.
When did it come out?
About four months ago.
Which one is this?
What's the name of the song?
It's called Top Knot.
That's off their first album, isn't it?
Are you sure?
No.
I bought it as a single quite recently.
We're not sure about that.
Can you sing a little bit?
Yeah, but I'm talking about... Yeah, but sod that, you won't...
Bow bow bow bow.
They need to play both at once, they might mix well.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9 will take the best of five.
Between the Beach Boys and Corner Shop!
the Zutons and it's called don't ever think too much this is Adam and Joe on XFM and we've got we're gonna be resolving ditties in the dock very shortly should we do it now in fact yeah I'm supposed to play out with our ditty in the dock though we still got 10 minutes to go well now I think we should play it and then and then just talk a little bit until Justin turns up okay
round with his massive wet beard and his hair.
Steve- That's alright, he's probably here already.
He usually turns up early.
He's so keen.
I saw him on, um, what's it called, Nation 217 last night on Flipside.
Steve- Yeah.
Ricky- He was hosting Flipside, and it was- I just- there was just shouting.
People just shouting for about half an hour.
Steve- Yeah, that's a good sign for ya.
Ricky- With Justin bouncing around, I thought he was gonna have a massive heart attack and fall over, but he didn't.
Let's have the digits and adopt music.
It is Dig it in the Dark, the segment of the show where you choose which song we get to play in our free play.
This week it is the Beach Boys versus Corner Shop.
Which song from the Beach Boys, Adam?
Help Me Ronda.
Help, help me Ronda.
Help me Ronda, help, help me Ronda.
And from Corner Shop it's Top Knot, featuring Bubbly Quar, which is a fantastic song.
Give us a blast.
Anyway, you know, you get the sort of thing.
So, we've got Spike on Line 1.
Is that Spike?
Does that say Spike?
Hello, Spike.
How you doing?
I'm not too bad.
How are you?
Do you work in Chiselhurst Caves?
Sorry?
Do you work in Chiselhurst Caves?
No, no, no.
I'm just working in a closed room at the moment.
In a closed room?
Are you a serial killer?
I'd like to, mate.
Would you?
Well done, Spike.
No, no, no, no.
Listen, Spike, what are you voting for?
Is it going to be the Beach Boys or is it Corner Shop?
It's got to be Corner Shop.
Good one, Spike.
Thank you, Spike.
Thank you.
Well done.
What does it call, Spike?
You know, the Beach Boys, they're successful.
They're hugely successful.
Corner Shop, they need your support.
Is that your mobile phone going off, Adam Buxton?
Yeah, it is.
That's terrible.
Okay, Marcus.
Marcus, are you on the line?
Hello, Marcus.
Marcus, speak to us, Marcus.
Are you there?
Oh, he's hung up.
Has he hung up?
No, hello, Marcus.
Hello, is he there?
Hey, good to speak to you, Marcus.
How are you doing today?
South End.
Is South End as miserable as London is today?
Man, London is horrible.
It's grey and dark.
Oh good.
Have you thought of any other albums?
We came up with a few of our own.
Rolling Stones do Neil Young called Can We Be Young.
Excellent.
Very good.
Boy George does Joe Stremer called Can I Clash.
Hey, I like it.
Are there more?
Beastie Boys do Barry White, Can We Be White.
Nice.
Man, he's got the gist of it.
Well, they could do Frank Black, they could do Cameron B. Black.
White took all the credit.
She thought of him.
Very good.
Well done, wife.
You've married a very intelligent and clever woman.
Adam Buxton!
So Marcus, what are you voting for?
Corner Shop or Beach Boys?
No question.
It's got to be the Beach Boys.
And I know you got to go first with that, but I'm sorry, you know.
Beach Boys over Corner Shop on a miserable day like today.
Alright, man.
Fair enough.
Thank you, Marcus.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for calling.
Thanks for those excellent ideas.
Let's go to Jesse.
Jesse.
So it's one all, isn't it?
Corn Shoppers got one.
Beach Boys have got one.
Yeah.
This is nice.
We've got a little more time to... I think Jesse... It sounds like Jesse's just fallen over.
Jesse?
Yeah?
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm okay.
What are you doing, Jesse?
I was just unlocking the garage so I could switch the radio on.
Yeah.
what I'm going to vote for.
Right, wow, that's a big garage.
OK, Jesse, it's between Corner Shop and the Beach Boys.
Which are you going to go for?
It's got to be the Beach Boys.
Oh, yes.
What's happening?
It's too much for the Beach Boys.
So basically, Lila, you're writing, what letter is that?
Is that Dan?
That's not a D. Hello, Dan.
Hello.
How are you?
So, Dan, you realise you've got, don't tell us what it is, but you realise you've got the deciding vote here.
The pressure's on, I feel like that serial killer.
You've got enormous power.
If it's the Beach Boys you're voting for, it's all over for Corner Shop.
Which is it gonna be, Dan?
The Cornish Shop!
Joe Cornish Shop has been crushed!
Joe Cornish Shop busted, and I did actually hear that track when I was loading it up and it sounded brilliant.
I tell you what, I'll use it as my free play next week.
Okay, good one.
Top knot by Cornish Shop.
Not voted for by sufficiently large numbers of people on Ditches in the Dock this week.
Thank you very much everyone who called in, but we're going to play out this week with the Beach Boys and Help Me Rhonda.
We'll be back in just one second to say goodbye, but first here's a bit of sunshine from the wonderful beaches.
Come on!
You can't beat the beach, boys!
Hey, uh, I've mispronounced the, um, corner shop song.
Uh, it's not qua or whatever I said, it's pronounced core.
Core?
Yeah.
Who, the rapper?
I don't know, Adam.
I don't know what is pronounced core, but I'm just correcting something and I don't really know what I'm talking about.
Okay.
Okay?
Good.
Now don't forget, please send me your school mags.
Uh, that address once again is 30 Leicester Square.
And, uh, what was the end?
Oh yeah.
30, uh, XFM, 30 Leicester Square, WC2H7LA.
Uh, to Adam and Joe.
WC?
He said WC.
It's like a toilet.
Oh my God, I can't believe it.
Justin Lee Collins is coming up.
He is very big in the room.
Hello, how are you doing?
He hasn't turned up yet.
He can't be late.
He's got his hair caught in the lift or something.
He's probably exhausted.
He's died of exhaustion.
He's the hardest working man in show business.
He, Alex Zane and Jimmy Carr are the hardest working men in show business.
Really?
Yeah.
XFM DJs, they get around.
Really?
In fact, we're the only people that aren't on TV at the moment.
Speak for yourself, mate.
What are you on?
Oh, everything.
You're usually hiding behind things.
Head jam you're on.
Is that still going out?
We'll see you next week.
Thanks for listening.
Bye.
Thanks for listening.
Lots of love.
Bye.