XFM, you make it what it is.
Hi, I'm Adam.
Hi, I'm Joe.
Joe.
I would like to thank you for choosing XFM.
Please have your headsets ready for... Adam and Joe.
Joe.
Coming through loud and clear.
Hello, this is XFM.
It's our sting, Joe.
It's a very good sting to me.
I was going to make a new one this week.
It's not supposed to be entirely serious, did you get that?
Well, are you talking to me or the listeners?
You.
I know, yeah, I appreciate it, it's sort of a joke.
But yeah, there's no need to make a new one.
Hello listeners, I'm Joe Cornish.
My name's Adam Buxton.
And we're here with you for the next two, well, one hour and fifty minutes.
We've got some music, some great music, the kind of music that XFM listeners love.
Do you know what, I'm not sure that's entirely true.
There's some music on the playlist this week, which I don't like, I must say, and I would have a hard time defending to even an XFM listener.
And what you have to do is guess which ones we don't like, because we're not going to say, obviously.
We don't want to prejudice.
But on the plus side, we've got loads of amazing things to give away this week.
So even if you don't like us or the show, stay tuned to win amazing prizes, such as tickets to see Dylan Moran in Monster 2.
That's a stand-up show, is it?
Yeah, at the Wyndham's Theatre we've got two pairs of tickets to see Dylan Moran.
We've got three pairs of tickets to a special screening of Seinfeld.
Seinfeld?
Yeah, Seinfeld.
I used to pronounce it Seinfield.
Seinfeld, Seinfeld.
They're having a special screening to launch the DVD release of series one.
Can you win the DVDs as well or do they just make you go to a cinema to watch them?
This isn't really a prize, is it?
Well, it's... No, it is a prize, because you get to see things on the... When did it come out?
Monday the 1st.
Is that a prize?
Just to have to go somewhere to watch a DVD?
Why can't they just give them the DVD?
The DVDs are coming.
So you get to see an amazing screening of it and you get the Seinfeld DVDs.
Plus, almost the most exciting thing is we've got this big pile of copies of George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead which is possibly the greatest zombie film ever made.
Is that the first one?
No, the first one is Night of the Living Dead.
It's a trilogy.
The second one's Dawn of the Dead.
The third one's Day of the Dead.
Night of the Living Dead was on last night, I think.
Has it got a lady with a very short ginger bob at the beginning?
Was it black and white or colour?
It was colour.
Well, was it colorized or color?
I think it was color.
It had the man from Candyman in it.
No, that's the remake.
I think it was remade in the late 80s, early 90s so that they could keep hold of the copyright.
The original is black and white and it is a classic.
And Dawn of the Dead is fantastic.
Dawn of the Dead is the shopping mall one that was recently remade.
This is the original George A. Romero version and we've got
Three copies to give away, two copies to give away, depending on how many Adam and I just simply take home for ourselves.
But it's a fantastic movie and what a great addition as well.
Director's Cut, the splatteriest version of it ever.
All Tom Savini's gore effects in there to the full.
Any extras?
Loads of extras!
For extra fans?
Yeah, commentaries, dead, I think dead people.
Actual dead people?
Actual dead people.
Brilliant.
Well, you can win those later on.
Still, not one or two competitions this week.
What?
We're trying to get in with the people that make these DVDs, so they'll give us more DVDs to give away.
And every time we give away DVDs, we can just take one for ourselves sometimes.
Yeah, you give a little, you take a little.
Yeah, exactly.
One for you, one for me.
And these people, I mean, this is a lovely addition, isn't it?
Look at that dead geezer on the front.
You're more of a fan of zombie people than I am, I must say, but still, that's exciting.
And yeah, that's coming up later on the show.
So that's three whole prizes already.
We've only got two competitions.
Two competitions which are...
We've got more prizes than competitions.
Mummification, which is where you have to guess what my mum's rambling about.
We've got crap commentary competition, where I've got another clip from an appalling DVD commentary.
It's a good one this week.
Can't wait.
I'll have ditties in the dog, but that's not really a competition.
Although we might give away some more stuff to people who phone in for Ditties in the Dark.
You know, that's how laden with Prezzies we are this week.
All that's coming up, plus of course we'll be discussing all the important topics of today.
TV, adverts, movies, that kind of thing.
Stick with Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Oh dear, that's an exhausting record.
It's good, don't get me wrong, but it's exhausting.
It sort of, it peaks right at the beginning, and then it carries on peaking, and then it goes a bit further, and then it climaxes, and then it peaks again, and then it ends.
It's like a night in the sack with me.
That's the polyphonic spree with 2000- I just want to go back to bed now after that.
Places.
You can go to bed.
Well, we can sort something out for you.
We've got a sofa over there.
You can lie down between chats.
Um, always keep forgetting that chats in parts of Scotland means boobs.
Anyway, that's a little fact for you.
Do you watch the UK Music Hall of Fame, Joe Cornish?
Uh, I, uh, yeah, Jamie Thiessen's program, yes.
Yeah.
Because Sunday tends to be a big TV viewing day for me nowadays.
Sunday?
Yeah, do you find that?
No, I, Saturday night.
It's the night for me, yeah.
Hmm, we'll talk about that in a second, but Sunday night for me on Channel 4 has become sort of, I do like watching this show, UK Music Hall of Fame, a completely cynical, trumped up excuse for repackaging the top 10 shows, more or less.
Because all they do is, you know, and Channel 4 sort of announced, well they didn't announce necessarily, but they seem to be making a decision not to do any more top 10 shows.
I remember we had a few meetings there when they said, no, we're not gonna do any more top 10 shows.
But they still do, really.
They're just not called Top 10s.
They're still clip packages, you know, you get a rundown.
It might be better to call them list shows.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah, shows that list the greatest, you know, a thousand greatest horror moments, a hundred greatest, I don't know, car crashes, that sort of thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, this one, the sort of shaky premise of this is that Channel 4 have randomly created this Hall of Fame into which we will put the greatest
of all time from each era and I don't know what.
And they start off by telling us that the line up was compiled, this is Jamie Fexton telling us, the line up was compiled by a distinguished panel of judges including Sir George Martin, Paul Gambaccini and Dave Stewart, amongst others.
So you're thinking immediately, like, what?
Which kind of others would there be after that lot?
You know, Mallet, Timmy Mallet, Abby Titmuss, possibly.
I would imagine Kate Thornton would be part of that lineup.
But it's enjoyable, nevertheless.
Do you not find?
No, well, I tend to switch it off.
Why?
Because you're not interested in the bands.
Because it's boring.
I tell you why.
Because Jamie, who's a lovely chap, is standing there surrounded by photos of all the bands, right?
Yeah.
Don't like that.
Why not?
Because it's stupid.
But it's just a set, it's just an excuse.
It's trying to give a sense of import to something that basically is utterly insignificant.
The UK Music Hall of Fame will be forgotten when the series ends.
I know it's a controversial thing to say, but it's not going to go down.
People aren't going to be going into the British Museum to consult it in the future.
I don't know, I think they might be.
Because they're copying the American one, right?
And that's a proper institution.
Well, it's kind of proper, isn't it?
Isn't it?
Yeah.
That's not even really a proper one.
It's just an excuse for a big party, isn't it?
It depends what you mean by proper as much as anything is proper.
It's all just random decisions about what is and what isn't brilliant.
But the show, of course, suffers from the usual kind of pundit problems, you know.
Basically, it's driven by interviews with people we're supposed to be amazingly impressed by.
And the heavy hitters on this show are people like Noel Gallagher, Sean Ryder, who can barely speak.
anymore, Tony Wilson from Factory Records, and then you get to like Pete Wiley, Gary Newman, and that's still on the A-list more or less.
But basically we get a certain amount of them and we're supposed to sort of drop to our knees and thank the heavens whenever Noel Gallagher opens his mouth and says something like, you know, joking aside, the Bee Gees, right, were serious, I mean they were great, they were one of my favorite bands of all time.
That's exactly how he sounds as well, incidentally.
And you sort of think, you know, wow, Noel Gallagher thinks the Bee Gees were brilliant, so they must be brilliant, because Noel Gallagher's brilliant, and he's a genius, and he might beat me up if I don't agree with him.
But then you get to people like Beverly Knight, who's on everything.
Have you seen a lot of Knight recently?
Yeah, she's making a comeback, isn't she, in a field of corn.
I've seen her video.
Of the living dead.
And you get Kate Melua, Melua.
How do you pronounce that?
Meh-hoo-ha.
Hama Superstar?
Yeah.
And Preston from The Ordinary Boys.
Yeah.
You know, and these, so you get Kate Malure.
Meh-hoo-ha.
It's your fault for watching it, Adam.
I enjoy the clip packages.
No one's asking you to watch it.
Why don't you switch it off like me and do something more constructive?
Well, you're blowing my mind now.
I haven't thought about that in any way.
Just switch it off.
No, because then I'd miss Kate Mehrucha talking about Freddie Mercury and saying his vocal talents were amazing.
And I think that's something that really inspires me.
Yeah.
So you're thinking, well, I'm glad that you did for that, because Kate Mehrucha is inspired by Mercury's vocal talents.
But you do get the odd gem, you see.
They had some footage of Stevie Wonder last week, like an old piece of footage I hadn't seen before, with this kind of vocoder with a pipe stuck in his mouth.
So while he was singing, it was immediately being vocoded.
It's a bong.
A bong.
It's a bong.
A big musical bong.
But it was an amazing clip and, you know, it's sort of well researched in that respect.
But there's problems with it.
You know, let's come back to this if you've got anything more to say about it.
We should tease Mummification, our big quiz is going to come up in a couple of seconds, and it's your chance to win the brand new Dawn of the Dead Collector's Signature Edition with a brand new documentary all about the making of Dawn of the Dead featuring interviews from people who've never been interviewed about it before.
Interview wrong?
No, that's not true.
It's apparently got Dario Argento giving some... We'll be back with music and our first competition after this.
Stop squeaking Joe Quash.
I've got a really squeaky chair and I think it sounds amateurish.
It doesn't, it sounds cool.
It sounds like you're Christina Aguilera in the Virgin Mobile advert.
Yeah, bouncing up and down, being a bit naughty.
Oh dear.
Who was that then?
That was the Libertines of course.
The shambolic sound of the Libertines with What Became of the Likely Lands.
You're tuned to Adam and Joe on XFM.
Hey, before you go any further, go on then.
You can text us, 83XFM.
Please do text us, all your texts are read.
8-3-XFM, you can email us, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk, and that's it, you can call us, but don't call us yet, because you call us for competitions and there's one coming up any second.
Do you not prefer emails?
To what?
To the more considered approach.
No, I don't mind.
I like them both.
Hey, thanks so much for responding to my request for school magazines, incidentally, listeners.
Nothing.
Because this week I've received nothing and none.
It's a lot to ask of people.
I know, but you know, I would do the same for them.
All I wanted was people to send in school mags, yeah, any old school mags.
Thought it'd be a funny feature for the show, possibly, and, you know, because there's always loads of goodies in the school mags.
All you have to do is send them to us in Leicester School.
You know what, you didn't even bring in anything to illustrate your own school mags.
No, because I was going to wait until I had a sufficiently large pile.
You're mad.
You've got to capture people's imagination.
So next week, bring in something, show us the kind of thing you want, read it out, then people will understand and they might respond.
They're not just going to send you stuff on no account.
Well, I'm just telling you like it is, man.
You're overestimating, you know, your powers.
Yeah, well, sort of.
Move on, move on now.
Pick it up next week.
Yeah, you see?
Stab.
And that means that it's competition time.
And it's our mummification competition.
My mum, who reads the Daily Mail, is a confused woman a lot of the time.
And some of her views rambled, tend to ramble in and out of reality.
I'm changing this chair.
Keep talking.
She watches a lot of TV, she's got a lot of opinions on famous personalities, and she is talking, she's describing this week two well-known personalities.
Now it's a really easy competition, this, okay?
So stand by your phones.
The number is 0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
If you'd like to win a copy, this is for the DVD, am I right?
Sorry?
For a copy of Dawn of the Dead?
Yes.
Yeah, a copy of Dawn of the Dead.
But we've got three copies to give away and we're only going to have one winner.
Could we give three copies to somebody?
Then that would be quite a good prize and they could give them out to their mates.
That's not a good prize, we'll find some other way of distributing them.
It's a good prize, they could make extra friends by keeping one for themselves and saying to two special mates, hey!
have a free DVD?
Oh, well, we can decide.
If you win this competition, you have the option to greedily and pointlessly take all three copies of Dawn of the Dead.
But first, you have to identify the celebrities that my mother is talking about right here.
Listen very carefully.
She talks quite quietly.
Adam, I can't stand them.
I think they are so repulsive, both of them, that I switched off.
Apart from that, I thought the program was puerile.
I think they are horrible to look at.
One of them looks like a Martian.
He's got a really sort of high dome forehead.
The other one's quite nice, actually.
But the two of them together is more than I can bear.
I don't think they're at all funny.
And as I say, I really can't understand why.
They're so popular, what's so great about them?
I'm a mummy.
And before you phone in and suggest that she's talking about us, she's not talking about Adam and Joe, she's talking about two other people on television.
08712221049, 08712221049 if you know who Adam's mum was talking about.
And in the meantime, while you're phoning in, it's time for another shouting classic.
Each week I'm going to be playing a song featuring shouting.
Is this a freeplay?
Well, yeah.
Yeah, okay.
And it's a shouting classic, though.
I'm sort of trying to find a way of making the freeplay relevant and entertaining part of the show.
And, you know, this is a classic song in its own way.
I'll take my headphones off, then, if it's a shouting classic.
Do you not like shouting classics?
Not really.
Well, play it.
We'll see what I think.
Come on, be positive, Joe.
Here we go.
It's The Clash.
Wow, that's the clash with complete control.
Okay, now it's time to find out who's won our mummification competition.
We've got Eater on Line 1.
You've just talked all over the stab!
Play it again.
Oh, I can't now, it's gone.
Eater, are you there on Line 1?
Hello.
Hello, how are you doing?
Not too bad, thank you.
Very well, very well indeed.
Are you enjoying this beautiful, beautiful Saturday?
I am indeed.
Yay!
It is a lovely day, isn't it?
So, Eta, who do you think my ma was talking about there?
She was describing a couple of people, one of whom looked a bit like a Martian, she doesn't like them very much.
Who do you think it was?
It is, of course, Ant and Dec.
Yeah, she doesn't like them.
She likes Dec more than she likes Ant, but she's got a problem with them.
She thinks they're sort of pointlessly smarmy and sarcastic.
I don't know where she's coming from.
I think they're pretty great.
But congratulations, Eta.
Are you excited about winning those Dawn of the Dead DVDs?
I am indeed.
Do you want to take all three, Eta?
No, I'll be kind.
Somebody else can have the other two.
Oh, what a good lady you are.
Yeah, that's very generous spirited of you, Eta.
Do you tend to like Decapitation by Helicopter Blade, Eta?
Yeah?
Good.
Well, you're going to love this film in that case.
I have seen it and it's really good.
It is.
Are you a fan of the genre?
Yes.
Good.
Okay, this is Anita.
Thank you so much for calling in.
We really appreciate your call.
Congratulations for getting that right.
And this is Adam and Jo on XFM.
We'll be right back.
Oh, it finished.
It just finished.
I didn't realise it was finishing.
It was the Snow Patrol.
This is Adam and Joe on London's XFM.
Slightly chaotic.
Sorry, Adam interrupted you with that.
What do you call that?
Words.
Those words.
Talking.
That was Chocolate by Snow Patrol.
Now, McDonald's, everyone's favourite evil fast food joint, have put a special leaflet through, I think, 14 million doors in London.
Something like that.
Their plan is to put a leaflet through, actually it's not a leaflet, it's a booklet, that's very important.
They plan to put it through every single door in London.
And listeners out there, have any of you received the McDonald's booklet?
It's called Change.
We thought we'd come to you for a change.
And it's one of the most extraordinary bits of pamphleteering I've ever come across.
And if you haven't got it, then try and get a hold of one.
I think you can pick it up from your local branch of Mickey D's because it's one of these amazing documents that has been focus grouped and designed almost into, well, through absurdity and out the other side.
Let me just quote you the McDonald's PR lady who I basically went to McDonald's website and I found a link to an article in The Guardian and McDonald's say that McDonald's has changed and we want to use a different way to tell people that.
says spokeswoman Amanda Pierce.
So this booklet is about making an effort to tell people our story and is written in a warm, engaging and conversational way.
The best way of getting the message to check off change across is by changing the way we communicate with people.
I disagree.
I think it's lying.
Well, they've done a bit of that as well, possibly.
Well, I'll tell you about that in a second.
But there's a lot to talk about in this booklet.
And, you know, maybe someone who's got the booklet could give us a call and we could talk through it.
But let me start with... The pages aren't numbered, that's a shame, isn't it?
One, two, three, four...
Well, let's start with the page, basically, that's aimed at women.
And this ties in with the adverts that we've talked about before.
They're trying to attract young ladies back into McDonald's.
The lady page.
Yeah, the lady page.
Get them to eat their salads.
So it's a lovely double-page spread.
You can see there with a photo of a strident young mum walking across some paving stones, and the text is on the paving stones.
In the bottom left-hand corner, it says, Salads Plus.
You go, girls.
Yeah, because girls love salads.
Yeah, because that's like a funky American thing to say, you go girls.
Like they used to say on Jerry Springer or Oprah Winfrey ten to fifteen years ago.
Remember that?
So they pop that down and then they discuss all their salads and the last bit of text says, girls, before you know it, you'll be back home and showing the things you've bought to the boys.
And unless it's got cars or footballers on it, they won't care.
That's true, because boys are obsessed by cars and football.
Exactly.
And then it says, so have a great day, have a great salad, and sisters, do it for yourselves.
It doesn't say that.
Yes it does.
Oh.
Okay, so in case that isn't patronising enough, we turn over six pages, and here's the blokes page.
What's the blokes page got a picture of on it, Adam, guess?
Um, a big football.
Oh yes.
That's the football.
Top left hand corner it says, it's brilliant to be a bloke.
Then they've laid out the blokes menu in the form of a football team.
Because of course that's the only way men understand things.
Sesame seed top bun is the striker.
Or maybe he's in goal.
I don't really know about football.
More special sauce and the bottom bun are leading the pack.
And then underneath it says, naming an unchanged team.
The great Big Mac lineup.
Make it a meal.
Get in the box.
Slide fries in the lid.
Bring on a coke.
Slide fries in the lid?
Yeah, that's the kind of slide in the lid men call, you know, footy football.
Where do you begin with the... I mean, I'm not necessarily complaining about McDonald's, but whoever designed this, what kind of idiots do they think we are?
Well, Joe, do you know what, man?
No one ever got poor underestimating the public.
And just in case this leaflet isn't insidious enough, it's basically got loads of tokens in the back.
and apparently the tokens track you.
What?
Are they electronic?
In some sort of way they are.
Apparently they know which leaflet they delivered to which area of London and if you go into McDonalds and use a token it will record what area of London you live in.
Right.
Sort of where the street that the pamphlet was delivered to and your eating habits so they can then target you with later bun based patronising
pamphlet chore.
That is grim.
Have you got those ads, just to go off message for a second, like those free leaflets and things that actually have your name all printed up really big with an A to Z page of like where you live in your house, circled and blown up really big as if it's like they're watching you right now.
Scary.
Can I read you one more thing from this?
Please do.
Yeah, read a great deal.
From the potato page.
The double potato page has a lovely picturesque tractor mowing a field of potatoes.
And it says, the headline is, some things have changed, some things haven't.
That's how life works.
Hey, that's, I never thought about that.
I don't need McDonald's to tell me that.
I do.
Okay, then there's various blur, but then it goes... No.
Tell us they're the best spuds to use!
And we believe them.
You don't even know their surnames!
Why do you take their advice on potatoes?
I happen to know that David and Gareth are total drunks.
But David and Gareth are kind of... I bet they've made those names up because they're office names, aren't they?
David, Brent and Gareth from the office.
They're sort of subconsciously cool names.
So they've just chosen those, like they're blokes who you can trust.
This pamphlet is just ridiculous.
If you've got it, give us a call.
08712221049 and maybe you can tell us your favourite appalling bit of the new McDonald's change.
Even better, wouldn't it be great if we could get someone responsible for the pamphlet?
The person who wrote it.
To talk to us.
Well, we could try and get Amanda Pearce.
Oh, there's just so much stuff.
They've got a nutrition expert.
Do you know what her name is?
Er, Tina Fries.
Hang on, let me find it.
Tina Fries is close, but fries are too unhealthy.
What's healthier?
Er, Jenny, Jenny Lettuce.
Jenny Lettuce would be good.
Wait for it.
And she's called Anita Bean.
I need a bean!
They found the one nutrition expert whose name is Penelope Lars, didn't get the job Anna Coronary, she was close, she didn't get it She must have been bummed out, Jilly Onions and Grata Garlic Wow, that's amazing I could basically do the whole show on the McDonald's pamphlet Read more!
OK, well we've got some music coming up right now and this, who is this?
Oh, it's the Kings of Leon and you're listening to XFM
Very good.
That's Ed Harcourt, the king of the court of the Haar, and born in the 70s.
You know, we might have a chopper bicycle to give away next week.
Why?
Some sort of tie-in with Ed Harcourt, I believe.
Some kind of promotional thing.
Popular in the 70s.
They were born in the 70s.
Yeah.
Brilliant.
So that's a big prize next week.
That is a good prize.
A big bike.
Thanks for your calls and emails about the McDonald's change leaflet that's been put through letterboxes around London and probably the country.
They're just trying to change and you're ridiculing them.
Hi, we're McDonald's.
A great big company that would love to come round to your house and tell you about how we're changing.
But there's a lot of us and it takes ages to get organised.
Is that what it says on the leaflet?
Oh dear.
Oh, I could go on.
Please do.
We know we're not too far away, and we're always cooking fresh meals, so there's no need to call first.
To be honest, everyone loves a surprise.
What does that mean?
They think we think they're a real restaurant, or their friend.
And we would think, McDonald's?
Surely I've got to call them and reserve a table.
That's what they think.
They're just being funny.
This book is full of funny, friendly things.
And one of the funny, friendly devices at the end of every page of McDonald's stuff.
They give a little idea of an activity.
They don't warn you, they just pop it in at the end of the text.
So like the page describing their great breakfast says at the end, in brackets, it goes, so if you haven't had a sausage and egg McMuffin for a while, come on in.
New paragraph in brackets.
In the meantime, lazy bones, think of your top five radio tunes to wake up to.
We did.
And they don't list them?
No.
They just call you lazy, tell you to list your top five radio tunes.
How empty would your life have to be to do that?
Are you going to do it?
Kings of Leon.
Another couple of pages forward, they say, we're changing to make mealtimes happier for everyone.
So why not do the same and think of three park games you played as a kid, then play one with yours?
with your park with your kid okay frisbee i'm getting into this ball i can't think of a third and then thanks to jay farrell who sent us an email with his favorite quote from the mcdonald's change leaflet uh there's on the page with the cow on it uh there's a quote that says does your car have cup holders that's brilliant we've got drive-throughs brackets please don't drink and drive
Is the cow dead?
No, it's a big sort of photo of a cow sticking its nose right in the lens.
I'm trying to find it.
As if the lens was the gun about to destroy the cow in preparation for being turned into burgers.
And at the bottom of that page it says, oh, you noticed the cow.
She's there because we only use fresh dairy milk in our new fresh ground coffee.
Oh right, so they're sidestepping the whole thing.
There you go.
Well that's great.
Have you seen the Walkers ads?
You see there's a lot of big companies trying to square their unhealthy image with a new healthier public.
And Walkers are the latest on TV to do that.
Of course McDonald's have been doing their adverts for salads aimed at ladies who love losing weight and love salads.
And walkers are doing a similar sort of thing.
There's loads of people walking, you know, walkers in a crazy way, like madness.
And in fact they're using a madness tune on top.
Yeah.
I can't remember which one it is.
Baggy trousers, I think.
Baggy trousers, there you go, it's a smash.
And what they're doing is giving away walk-o-meters, or ped-o-meters, as they're also known, which are what people who, you know, go on long walks use to tell how far they've come.
Athletes.
Or, no, just anyone, my dad uses one when he goes on a walk.
Oh, I was wrong then.
Yeah.
He's not an athlete.
He's not an athlete, he's just a very old man.
But the pedometers, or walkometers, are a sort of incentive to get Britain moving.
This is our bit to get Britain moving, say walkers, which is fantastic, isn't it?
Because what they basically do is sell people crisps on the one hand to get people eating very fatty food, but then on the other hand,
They want to get people moving.
And an exciting way of doing that is having a little machine that tells you how many steps you've taken in a day.
What would be more exciting?
And I was trying to think of other companies that could give away similarly brilliant and appropriate sort of things.
But I didn't get very far.
Maybe you could help.
Email us what your suggestions might be for big companies giving away ludicrous things to get people doing certain things.
I was thinking Marlborough could give away hang gliders.
to get people hang gliding.
You know?
Good idea.
Yeah.
Anything else?
I don't know, with the Ute Marlborough, that's so people inhale very fresh air to counteract the ciggies.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's quite a good idea.
I tell you, it's not really along your lines, but another brilliant thing they've done with, you know, people were complaining about family bags of Walker's Crips.
Basically, no one ever shares those bags with their families.
Right, they just eat them, you just eat them all yourself.
And giant Mars bars and giant Snickers bars.
Do you know those huge, like big, big, long, crusty dog poos that you get?
They're now renaming those sharing bars.
Sharing bars.
Yeah?
They should just call them lardy greedy bars.
Yeah.
Lardy greedy bars.
Can I have one of those lardy greedy bars?
And then I think people might think twice about buying them.
This is Adam and Joe on XFN.
We'll be right back.
XFN.
What's the delays with New York and Heaven?
Before that you heard Vertigo from U2.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFN, playing exciting new music with guitars.
XFN?
XFN!
What does that stand for?
Exciting...
farts and nipples yeah well done you asked yeah thanks you know speaking of nipples any second now uh we're gonna play crap commentary what do i i don't even know what i call it crap commentary corner yeah yeah crap commentary corner bit of alliteration can you have corners on a radio show yeah yeah yeah definitely can you yeah that's good what lilas making weird hand signals to me
Oh, all right.
So we'll do that, yeah, okay.
That's true, the hands of the clock former right-hander will thereby make a corner at quarter past, well done, Lyla, thank you.
Not sure anyone's gonna write in if you don't.
And in Crap Commentary Corner, we play you a bit of some of the worst commentary I could possibly dig up from my exhaustive film collection.
You have to tell us who's talking and what film they're commentating on.
And we've got- And are you- Sorry, Joe, carry on.
No, you carry on.
I was going to say, are you, like me, someone who now just buys DVDs and watches the commentary first?
No.
Have you never got to that stage yet?
No.
OK.
You know me.
We've had this conversation before.
I basically don't like commentaries.
Well, you watch them all, though.
Only to do this competition.
And only the bad ones.
I like bad ones.
I enjoy bad ones.
OK?
OK.
We've got great tickets to give away to see Dylan Moran in Monster 2 at the Wyndham's Theatre.
They've made Monster 2 already.
Charlize Theron was in the first one.
Dylan Moran now starring in the second one at Wyndham's Theatre.
I think it's actually a stand-up show.
And we've got tickets to see a special screening of Seinfeld because they're bringing out the DVD of Series 1.
That's a box set DVD we'd like copies of, isn't it, Adam?
Yeah, we're going to do our best to nick some off you, so listeners, there might be less prizes next week on that account.
Can I tell you something I've noticed?
Go on then.
This is one of my throwaway comments.
I've noticed that, and if you go to the movies a lot, you might notice this, the names of the actors have got more interesting than the names of the characters they play.
That's true.
In Thunderbirds,
The guy that plays John Tracy, his name is Lex Shrapnel.
You can't have the actor called Lex Shrapnel and the character called John Tracy.
In the film Friday, Ice Cube plays Craig Jones.
Yeah.
Redman plays Jamal King.
You know what, I don't think Ice Cube's his real name.
It's his stage name, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay then.
I know what you mean.
It happens a lot with rappers, like DMX plays Leon Rollins in Exit Wounds.
Yeah.
Surely it should be Leon Rollins playing DMX.
No man, because that's the way life is nowadays.
Everyone wants it to be real and dirty and boring.
But it's like they've swapped the credits, they've rotated them around the y-axis.
Yeah.
So you can't ever be like Luke Skywalker as Mark Hamill.
Yeah.
If you release Star Wars today, Indiana Jones plays Harrison Ford.
Vin Diesel as Tony Sponge.
That's what I'm talking about.
Well, you know, they're all invented names.
I don't believe that Lex Shrapnel is really, you know, a member of the Shrapnel family.
Do you know what it is?
What?
It's, uh, we want to see glamorous, uh, fantasy people playing normal people like us, isn't it?
Yeah.
We want to see Lex Shrapnel playing Tommy Smith.
What would your name be?
Mine would be Adam Shabooba.
Plays Adam Buxton.
Yeah.
No, well, you can't be called Adam Shabooba.
You need something better than Adam.
Laser Shabooba.
Yeah, I'd be whiplash donkey slash.
Whiplash Donkey Slash.
That just sounds like wee, all I can imagine is a big donkey weeing.
Yeah, that's exciting.
That's the kind of thing movie goers want to see.
It's no laser shaboo bar.
It's just a little thing I observed.
OK, I've got a little thing, right.
What is people's problem?
You were thinking about my winky, weren't you?
No, I wasn't.
OK, OK.
What is people's problem, right, with phenomena and phenomenon?
One is plural, the other is singular.
It's really very simple.
Phenomena
It's plural.
Phenomenon, singular.
Where have you seen this misused?
Everywhere!
It's just when people are on TV talking about, you know, there's so many strange phenomenons, or they can't get their heads round it.
It's really very simple phenomena.
If you're talking about many phenomenons, it's several different weird phenomena.
Or one peculiar phenomenon.
Alright?
It's just a little English class there.
So don't do it again!
OK, I'm sorry.
What's that John Travolta film?
Is that called... There's a Dario Argento film called Phenomena as well.
And yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, Dario Argento's Phenomena and John Travolta's Phenomenon, I believe, I might be wrong about that.
Is it?
So one of them's about lots of things happening, the other's just about one occurrence.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah?
Do they get it right?
John Travolta is the phenomenon who presides over many phenomena.
He's an acting phenomenon.
Yeah, exactly.
So get it right, Donkey Slash.
Are we going to have films then?
Yeah, should we play one now?
Films?
Oh, oh, a crap commentary trip.
Yeah, why not?
OK.
So, listeners, this is our competition, Crap Commentary Corner.
I've recorded a little bit of audio off one of my favourite movies.
Can you tell me who this is, what movie they're talking about?
The number's 08712221049.
You could win, you can take your choice of prizes, a Dawn of the Dead DVD, the original version, fantastic new DVD of that.
tickets to see Dylan Moran, Seinfeld screening, you can take your pick.
If you know who this is, what film they're talking about, this is quite tricky.
Have a listen.
Here we go.
They say never do a scene with someone wearing orange.
Because look at that, all you see is orange.
And oh my god, you can see my nipples through the shirt.
I think that's really funny.
Like that really cracks me up.
And a lot of times studios don't show that.
Like as if women always wear bras.
Which most of the time they do, but I don't understand why.
Because I think in a film it's much more fun if someone's not wearing a bra.
I mean, look at this.
This is completely obscene.
A foam.
What a weird accent.
It is a lot of fun.
She sounds almost South African.
That's right.
She sounds like Meryl Streep with a big spanking stick.
Look at my nipples.
You can see my nipples through that orange thing.
Shall we hear that one more time?
Yeah.
They say never do a scene with someone wearing orange.
Because look at that.
All you see is orange.
Oh my god, you can see my nipples through the shirt.
I think that's really funny.
Like that really cracks me up.
And a lot of times studios don't show that.
Like as if women always wear bras.
Which most of the time they do, but I don't understand why.
Because I think in a film it's much more fun if someone's not wearing a bra.
I mean look at this.
This is completely obscene.
Oh my gosh, it is much more realistic if someone is not wearing a bra.
And you can see their nip-numps through the bra.
Do you know who it is, Adam?
No, I don't.
I've got no idea who that could be.
08712221049.
We do have a second clip which has a clue in it if nobody gets it the first time.
Maybe if you get it now, you could take two prizes.
If you only get it on the second clip, you just have one prize.
OK, let's have some music.
We'll let you know if anyone's got it after this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We get the message.
That's granddaddy and nature anthem, this is Adam and Jon XFM.
Now let's find out if anyone has been able to identify the voice on our Crap Commentary Corner this week.
It's a very difficult one.
A lady talking in a quasi-Germanic accent about her nipples.
Jon is on Line 1.
Hello Jon.
Hi there, how are you?
Very good, thank you.
How are you?
Yes, excellent.
Now do you think you know who that was?
I think I do.
Explain your working.
I just remember her wearing this orange outfit in a picture I've seen for the film.
Who do you think it is, John?
Sorry?
Who do you think it is?
Charlize Theron talking about Monster.
John, you're wrong.
Incorrect.
We took your call because it is illustrative of many of the calls we've got.
Everybody seems to think it's Charlize Theron in Monster.
I guess because of that orange thing.
Can you see her nipples through the orange jumpsuit in Monster, John?
I didn't see those, no.
Maybe you weren't looking for them.
No, I guess not.
Jon, you sound like a serious person, not the kind of person who would watch a film like Monster for the nipples.
Or indeed listen to this show.
No, I don't watch Seinfeld though, it's cinema.
That's what I want.
Yeah, go on then, go on then.
I mean, you got it wrong, but we're generous guys.
Yeah, exactly.
We appreciate every call we get here.
Thanks a lot, Jon, we really appreciate that.
And you will, you will go to the screening.
You will go to the screening.
But, listeners, we're going to give you another clue now, because that was really tough, and no one has got it.
Not a single person.
You haven't got it, have you, Adam Buxton?
No, I've got the person, but I think I overheard you talking about her.
Yeah, you heard it.
So this next clip is the same actress, the same film, but there's a little bit of a clue in here, so listen very carefully and call 08712221049.
We'll reset the phone lines, see if you can get it from this.
I used to play, I would do a little bit of prank calls when I was little.
When I was really, really little, I used to call hair salons and say, hi, I just wondered if you could dye my hair pink because I think it's really fun.
That necklace there that I'm wearing is my necklace and throughout the entire film, it choked me to death because it's not separate chains.
It was a chain that was all connected and it would move around and really choke me in the middle of like running from rusty nail and getting scared.
clue but that's interesting stuff isn't it about the necklace and it was her own and it didn't have links or it did i can't remember and it choked her i wish i wish that i'd heard one of her prank calls what what kind of play that play that first a little bit again i used to play a little bit of prank calls when i was little when i was really really little i used to call hair salons and say
Hi, um, I just wondered if you could dye my hair pink because I think it's really fun.
That necklace there that I'm wearing?
Wow, great prank call, huh?
I might do that this afternoon.
Hi, I was just wondering if you could dye my hair pink because I think it's really fun.
But I might do it just to somewhere weird, like not a hair salon or something that would blow their minds.
So do you know who that is?
And do you know which film she was talking about?
I'm pretty sure I do know now.
Do you think it's still pretty hard?
Do you think it needs more narrowing?
I think somebody should be able to get it.
You reckon?
Yeah.
From the little clue that was given there towards the end of that clip.
About the rusty nail, running from the rusty nail?
Yeah, running from rusty nail.
Okay then.
We're going to play some more music and we'll come back after this and see if anyone's identified it correctly.
Scissors, sisters.
Or is it Elton John?
It could be Elton John, but it's not.
It's the Scissor Sisters.
And that's Mary!
And you can see Justin Lee Collins outside!
So you join us listeners in the middle of Crap Commentary Corner.
We've got quite a tough one this week.
It's a really tough one.
I'll tell you who I thought it was.
Who?
I'll tell you the film I thought it was anyway.
I thought it was Ring, the remake.
Is that not correct?
No, not correct.
That's not right.
Play the very beginning, the prank call, just once more, and then we'll go to a couple of callers.
Okay, here we go.
I used to play a little bit of prank calls when I was little.
When I was really, really little, I used to call hair salons and say, Hi, I just wondered if you could dye my hair pink because I think it's really fun.
There we go, so we've got, is it Warren?
Darren, sorry Darren, hello Darren.
What line is he on?
Hello Darren, we're fine, how are you doing?
I'm great, great.
And who do you think it is in Crap Commentary Corner?
I'm going to have a guess and say...
Milla Jovovich and... Milla Jovovich, now I'm guessing you have been distracted by the idea of being able to see nipples.
Yes.
And orangeness.
Oh yes.
Well that's not a bad guess and I can totally see your logic there.
And foreignness.
Yeah, yeah.
But is that correct?
It's incorrect.
I'm sorry Warren, this is a toughie.
It was Darren in the end.
Oh Darren, I'm sorry to Warren as well.
I really apologise to Darren.
But hey, you know what, we're going to give you a prize anyway Darren.
Thanks, thanks.
Do you want a Dawn of the Dead DVD?
Yeah that'd be great.
Have we given out two already?
Yeah, we got one for Darren.
That's a weenie its way to you.
Thanks a lot for your call, Darren.
This is the kind of competition I like because the person who wins this has serious movie knowledge.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, they really deserve a prize.
OK, let's see who we've got on line two.
James.
Is it James?
Hello, James.
James!
James, is he still there?
Don't tell me he's gone.
James.
James, you were the only person to get this right.
And you've run off.
Don't tell me we've lost him.
Let's go to a song.
We're gonna get James back.
Oh, it's a disaster.
Live radio?
What are you gonna do?
Hey, we've got another free play for you right now.
Joe, who's this?
OK, is this my one?
Yeah.
Yeah, this is my failed Ditty in the Dock from last week.
This is Corner Shop with Top Knot.
Oh, isn't that lovely?
That's very good.
Where did that come from?
It was a single that Corner Shop released featuring Bubbly Core and I've got to thank Rupi, I'm probably pronouncing your name wrongly now Rupi, for last week correcting me
on the pronunciation of bubbly coir.
I believe I pronounced it phonetically.
It's actually pronounced coir.
He's texted again this week before I even spoke the name just to make sure I got it right this time.
Well done.
That's the kind of vigilance we enjoy.
Now we were having a few problems with our phones there before.
We had a winner for our crap commentary corner competition.
Someone correctly identified that person, but we lost them.
His name is James.
The winner of the competition is James.
James, we desperately tried to get you back on the phone.
Lila panicked.
She slipped, hit her head, she started to swear.
She's an attractive young woman and she started swearing like a kind of old docker.
It was very weird.
So we can't get you back on, James, because the XFM phones have gone mad.
But we can reveal the answer.
It is, of course, Lili Subieski.
Yeah.
Maybe Rupe will be telling you how to pronounce that one as well.
Lili Sobieski.
I've no idea.
Sobieski.
She's an exciting young actress and that's from the film Roadkill, also known as Joyride.
And it's, you know, it's about the kids who go on some sort of cross-country jaunt in their car and they get stalked by a guy called Rusty Nail who sort of stalks them over a CB radio.
It's quite a good film.
It's not bad, I remember watching that.
It's quite fun.
And Lili Sobieski is the young girl who was in Eyes Wide Shut.
She was the girl that they tried to palm off to the weird Japanese men in Eyes Wide Shut.
She was very young in that, wasn't she?
She's in The Glass House.
That's rubbish!
It is indeed rubbish.
But, you know, she's amazing, and I do recommend any commentary by Lili Sobieski.
She looks a bit like, who am I thinking of, Helen Hunt?
Yeah, or a young Meryl Streep.
Right.
Yeah, but on her commentary, she's extraordinary.
She's got that amazing Germanic tone, and she thinks everything is fun.
So much fun.
Ah, she sounds like a nice girl.
Yeah, I'm sure she's nice, but well done, James.
And you know what?
You're not on the line, so you can't pick your prize, but call us back.
Should he call us or what?
Or text us?
Yeah, Lila's gonna call you and sort out one of our amazing prizes.
The tickets to Monster 2, maybe the Seinfeld screening, maybe a Dawn of the Dead DVD, maybe a new phone.
Yeah.
You tell them, Joe.
With your superior film knowledge, you can have the pick of the prizes.
We have got Ditches in the Dock coming up very shortly as well.
It's all over so soon this week.
Do you think we've got too many competitions?
Too many features.
Because I've got other stuff to talk about and we haven't really got time.
Yeah, we do have time.
What were you going to talk about?
Oh, amazing stuff.
Parallel universes in animated films.
You know in a cartoon film where they have like, it's a film about mice, they go down a sewer and they find an equivalent of the contemporary human world but inhabited by mice.
Or in Shark Tale, they've got a version of New York inhabited by sharks.
Shrek 2, they had the land of Far Far Away that was kind of a parody of Hollywood.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've just written a little list of the worst jokes in that given context.
It's become a cliche of animated films, that whole trope.
Have you got bad quotes from Shark Tale?
Well, Shark Tale I haven't seen.
I never want to see it in my life because I think it looks horrible.
Really?
Yeah.
I don't like sexy fish.
Mmm.
I don't like it when they try and make a fish look sexy.
Basically any animal in one of those films and they try... It's a bit like Jessica Rabbit.
I wasn't part of the whole Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Jessica Rabbit is Foxy debate.
No, she was a rabbit anyway.
She's a rabbit and you can't just, they just remove the nose, slap a pair of lips on and a sort of boob-shaped mound.
And the Angelina Joalee, Joalee fish in Shark Tale, it just looks, just looks deformed.
Oh well, it looks a bit like Angelina Jolie.
Yeah, crossed with a fish.
Is that sexy?
Yeah.
A weird half fish, half human.
That would pretty much do it for me.
Well, let's play some music, we'll think about it.
That's the music Freedom Fighters, Adam and Joe here on Xfem.
Jessica Rabbit wasn't a rabbit, says someone.
We've got, basically the intelligence of our listeners has surpassed our own intelligence this morning.
Maybe we're both a bit hungover and dozy.
But of course Jessica Rabbit was a human, and she was only called Jessica Rabbit because, according to this text anyway, because she was married to Roger Rabbit.
Of course she was, yeah.
Sorry.
But the point we were making was I just personally find it very hard to be aroused by cartoons.
Yeah, of course, you'd have to be a kind of idiot.
Yeah, like, do you know those sexy cartoons like Fritz the Cat?
Everyone used to go on about, oh, you've got to see Fritz the Cat.
It's amazingly dirty and randy.
Well, what about manga, dirty manga?
That's different.
What were your quotes then?
What?
From Silly Worlds.
Oh yeah, Silly Worlds.
Okay, we were discussing the worst jokes in parallel animated universes, you know.
So, in Shark Tale, if you look at the poster, instead of, it's an underwater version of New York, instead of The Gap, they've got what?
Oh, um, the coral.
I'm not thinking hard enough.
The gup.
The gup?
Yeah, it says gup instead of gap, like guppy.
Like a guppy?
Yeah, okay, that's bad.
That's even on the poster.
Instead of Old Navy, which is a popular American sort of clothes store, what do they have instead of Old Navy?
Underwater, underwater, water, waves, Old Navy, Old, Old Wavy.
That's in the poster as well.
It's already maritime.
Ok, so let's do this as a top three.
That's possibly number three in the worst ever gags in that context.
Number two, I'd say Shrek 2, which has the land of Far Far Away, which is basically a cartoon version of Hollywood.
So instead of Tower Records, they've got what?
Ummm, Fairytale World.
Castle Records.
No, Tower of London Records.
What does that mean?
It doesn't make any sense, does it?
It's because London is where all the old stories come from.
Uh, the fairy stories.
Have you heard the fairy story about the Tower of London?
That's just rubbish.
Hans Christian Andersen came up with a lot of fairy stories.
Exactly.
Isn't that awful?
I thought Shrek 2 was abysmal.
I'm sorry kids if you liked it out there, but one day you'll grow and you'll realize that it's not a film, it's just a horrible advert.
But number one in the worst parallel universe gags in rubbish cartoons has to go, this isn't a cartoon but it might as well be The Flintstones.
Flintstones, why do you insist on- Well, I like calling it like Winston, the Flintstones.
Winston Churchill, Flint- Flintstone Churchill.
Okay, instead of McDonald's in the Flintstones, they had what?
Instead of Mcdonald's, what did they have?
Rockdonald's.
Yes!
Oh, no.
And instead of Star Wars, what did they have?
Star Rock-
I don't know.
Tar Wars.
Tar Wars?
Yeah, we hear by Adam and Jo radio show propose that there is a moratorium, a ban on any animated or children's films with humorous versions of the real world in them.
Because it's gone too far.
You don't get that in Finding Nemo.
You don't know.
Finding Nemo is genuinely charming from beginning to end.
I can't find a fault with that film.
I just think it's amazing.
Well, there is an advert that uses a long clip from it now, isn't there?
Oh, really?
So the rot has started.
Oh, the rot.
Hey, let's introduce Dizzy's in the Dock, because there's not much time.
This... Oh, oh, oh, here we are.
It's all going off now.
That was Lily Subieski there for a second.
Okay, Joe Cornish, now you lost last week, so you want to go first this week.
Yeah.
Alright, go on.
So this week I've got Crosby, Stills & Nash with Marrakesh Express, and I'm very surprised you've never heard of this, Adam, because the first thing to say about it is it's a song about a train that has a rhythm that sounds like a train, and I think that's the surefire formula for success when songwriting.
Yeah.
Okay?
Especially when it's a song based around a train with a choo-choo-choo.
Like Trans Europe Express by Kraftwerk.
Yeah, like the theme tune to what that Welsh train
cartoon?
What was that?
Ivo the Engine?
Yeah, I basically can't think of any more.
But Marrakesh Express is the most bouncy, fun, sunny, stupid song by Crosby, Stills and Nash.
It's very famous, you should recognise it.
And it's just guaranteed to make you happy.
And turn it up loud if you're in a car, or if you're at home, and dance along making train movements.
And even if you don't know it, it's so simple and catchy you'll be singing along by halfway through.
I guarantee it, it'll make you funnier, happier, richer, sexier,
It's just going to improve your life enormously for three minutes.
So, call 087-122-1049 and vote for Marrakesh Express by Crosby, Stills & Nash.
I rest my case, Your Honor.
Well, that was impressive, man.
That was impressive.
And I wouldn't be surprised if you walk away with it this week.
But...
I'm going to do something which is just a bit perverse and wanton, because I'm just like that.
And I'm going to go for another shouting classic.
And this time, it's a track that you don't hear played on the radio very much by Nirvana.
And it's from their absolutely huge album, Nevermind.
But it's a track called, I'm not sure if I can even say the name of the track on the radio, Territorial Piddlings, let's call it.
You can't say Piddling on the radio!
Yeah, you can, you can, I just did.
But it's an amazing song, and I remember a time when Jonathan Ross used to do a show called Last Resort.
He had Nirvana on there, and he was all set to have them play Smells Like Teen Spirit, which was, you know, a pretty radical anthem even then.
But they decided not to play Smells Like Teen Spirit, they played this track, Territorial Pee-Pees.
And it was sort of unbelievably subversive sounding, because it is a demented, angry, shouty song.
And certainly not the kind of thing you hear played very often anywhere except very late at night by weirdos.
So there we go.
So I want you to vote for it.
Vote for Nirvana.
Or for Crosby, Stills and Nash, that's our Ditches in the Dock face-off this week.
Marrakesh Express by Crosby, Stills and Nash vs. Nirvana with what?
Territorial PPs.
Call 0871 222 1049.
The song that gets the most votes will play out the show.
And we're going to give prizes to what?
No, we're going to give a prize to the person who decides it.
Right now, here's Franz Ferdinand.
They're so hot right now.
Franz Ferdinand, they're so hot right now!
That's this fire.
Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Just before we resolved This Is In The Dock this week, I read an interesting article in Word Magazine the other day about Zoolander becoming like the new Spinal Tap, basically.
I read that article somewhere else several months ago, like the tour bus movie.
Yeah, no, that was in Word.
I don't read Word.
Yeah, you do.
Maybe it was lying around.
Well, maybe they nicked it out of Word.
A lot of people do nick stuff out of Word.
It's an excellent mag.
But it was, yeah, very interesting.
And, you know, if you haven't seen Zoolander out there, I met a few people.
Pete Serafinowicz, star of Shaun of the Dead, I was speaking to the other day.
He hadn't seen Zoolander.
Can you believe that?
It's a smash that film.
Absolutely great if you haven't seen it.
Do yourself a favour, buy a copy on DVD, watch it this evening and you'll have one of the best Saturday nights of the year so far.
Right now it's time to resolve Ditty's in the Dock.
Oh no, I haven't lined up the music or anything.
So this week it's Crosby, Stills and Nash?
Which I just listened to for the first time and it's very good, I must say.
Basically I don't stand a chance with a Nirvana track on XFM, do I?
Well, you never know, man, you never know.
It is a bit, it is lazy of me to go for the Nirvana because, you know, it's right there for XFM listeners, that's their target kind of music, but it is a brilliant song.
So let's go to the lines.
First of all we've got James.
Hello James, are you there?
Hello.
James, you're not the same James that cruelly hung up on us earlier for our previous competition.
Good.
James, what are you voting for?
Nirvana, please.
James, have you heard of Crosby, Stills and Nash?
I'm afraid I haven't, no.
You haven't even heard of Crosby, Stills & Nash?
No.
Oh, Jesus.
Alright, James, well done.
1-0 to Nirvana.
Let's go to Stacey Online 2.
Hello, Stacey.
Hello.
Are you really called Stacey?
Yep, I really am.
Are you a man?
I am.
More like Stacey Keish.
Yep.
Or are you one of the teen transsexuals that are featuring on Channel 4 later in the week?
Don't insult me.
I'm not insulting him.
I'm asking him a question.
He can say no.
And he has said no.
Well done, Stacey.
So, what are you voting for?
Don't tell me, Nirvana.
Have you heard of Crosby, Stills and Nash?
Have you heard of the song Marrakesh Express?
No.
Do you ever take a risk in life?
Sometimes.
Sometimes, but not today.
Thanks Stacey 2-0 for Nirvana.
Don't slag them off!
I'm not slagging them off, I'm lightly teasing them.
Greg on line 3, are you there Greg?
Yeah, I'm here.
Hey Greg, how are you doing?
I'm doing wonderfully.
Good, you sound like an American who might have heard of Crosby, Stills and Nash.
Neil Young, who used to be part of Crosby, Stills, Nest & Young, was one of my favorites of all time.
And so you're voting for?
I'm voting for American Express.
It's about South Africa.
It's about joy.
It's about freedom.
It's a song that people who don't understand must partake of.
I love you, Greg.
I really, really do love you.
I really don't want to go there with you.
OK.
I won't touch you.
You can sleep in separate rooms.
Thank you very much indeed for your call.
Greg's voting for Marrakesh Express.
Two-one.
See, I don't like the divisive way that it goes.
I mean, I know that's the nature of the feature.
It's playful, Adam.
Don't take it personally.
Well, I just think that we can all live together.
Are you there, Simone, on line four?
Yes, yes I am.
Hello Simone, how are you?
I'm very good, how are you?
I'm not so well, it's a walkover on Diddy's in the Dot.
He's being whopped.
And if you vote for Moovana, which is a brilliant song, but they're not, you know, overexposed, they are overexposed, oh I don't know what I'm saying.
What are you voting for Simone?
Well, I have to say, I grew up with Nirvana, so it's got to be Nirvana all the way.
And you know the track that we're talking about, obviously.
Yes, I do, I do.
And it's just a very, very exciting thing, isn't it?
It sort of just pumps you full of adrenaline and vim and gets you washing things.
Well, it's going to take me straight back to when I was 16.
Yeah, exactly.
So, are we going to give Simone a prize for being the deciding voter?
I don't think I want to give her a prize.
I'm sure you could give Greg something as well if you wanted to.
I can I give Greg something.
Go on.
Because I like Greg and I like Simone.
Simone, thank you so much for calling.
What kind of prize have we got for Simone?
Well we've got, she can go and see Dylan Moran in Monster 2 or she can go to the special screening of Seinfeld.
What do you fancy?
Um, Seinfeld please.
Yeah, we can sort that out for you.
Thanks a lot for your call, Simone.
And hey, Greg, we'll take your number and we'll call you back and give you one of those things as well, because, you know, you're a clever guy.
Joe, man, bring in Marrakesh Express next week.
I will.
Good, because I did hear it for the first time today, and it is brilliant.
Very, very good indeed.
But this is a different thing altogether.
I'm going to listen to this in an open-minded way.
Yeah, right.
Here we go.
Oh, that's brilliant.
Nirvana with territorial pissings from Nevermind.
And that was the winner of this week's Ditties in the Dark.
Joe's walked out in disgust because his hippie band didn't get voted for.
Oh no, he's back.
You see, I just thought the point of Dizzies in the Dot was to play something that wouldn't otherwise be played on XFM.
That would not otherwise be played at this hour on XFM.
Lila, settle this argument.
Who's best, me or Adam?
It's not a question of who's best, Joe.
I'm joking, of course.
Hey, thanks for listening.
Yeah, thank you very much, and thank you to everyone who called in.
And listen, you know, I know that probably no one's ever going to send me a school mag, but please.
Hey, before you speak too soon, we've had a couple of emails saying that people have got school mags for you, but you never gave the address.
I did, I gave it several times.
Here it is again.
Adam and Joe, XFM, number 30, 3-0, Leicester Square, London, WC2H, 7LA.
That postcode again, WC2H, 7LA.
Okay, so please, any school mags, don't mind, they can be very old, they can be current ones, and I'll bring in the school mags that I was
talking about last week, next week, to set up the competition and get everyone involved and excited.
It's not really a competition, it's a feature.
But listen, thanks to everyone who's texted, who's emailed, who's called the show, we've had a great two hours, we hope you've enjoyed it.
We'll be back next week.
I've been Joe Cornish, and I'm still Adam Buxton, and have a lovely evening.
Hey, we forgot to talk about something, right?
Yeah, we did.
Just a quick plug.
Yeah, this Tuesday night at the Carling Islington Academy bar upstairs, we will be DJing at Sean Rowley's Guilty Pleasures night.
We'll be playing some pretty bad music.
And some pretty good music as well.
So this Tuesday evening, I think it costs a fiver to get in or something.
And where is it again?
The Carling Islington Academy, the upstairs bar, that big sort of shopping centre thing in Islington.
Here's another little plug as well.
I'm doing a little bit of stand-up.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, Monday night, if you fancy it, at the Hen and Chickens in Highbury Corner, I think is the nearest tube.
Hen and Chickens, 7.30pm on Monday the 1st of November.
Come along, it'll be fun.
And once again, thanks very much indeed for listening.
Radham and Joe, we love you very much, bye!