Oh, it just finished.
That's Kilimanjaro by Baby Shambles.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
How you doing, Joe?
I'm all right, thank you very much.
Hello, listeners.
Thanks for joining us.
We're here for two hours on XFM.
London's 104.9.
In fact, not only London, but a bit... Where's that?
I don't know.
God, it's amazing, apparently.
It's very hot.
What I was trying to say was you can listen to it on the internet, or can you listen to it on digital telly?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that means people all over the world are listening.
Specifically to us.
We've also got some really good music coming up this week.
Katie Melua, Beverly Knight, Jamie Callum, Tom Jones, Jules Holland, New Busted, New McFly, and also the new track from JoJo.
And Tunde.
And Babata Hunde.
Tunde.
Who's Tunde?
Have you not seen the
I've seen the adverts for Tunde.
Your breakfast just came out of your mouth.
Did it?
Well that's because of Tunde, because I'm excited.
He used to be in the lighthouse family.
Oh I have seen the adverts for Tunde.
Tunde?
It's the voice over is, what's he called?
You know, the guy from classical, FM.
I don't know.
Gambaccini.
Oh okay.
Tunde.
I can't do a good gambo.
Tunde, he's probably very good.
Have you heard any Tunde?
Well, we're going to be playing some... Actually, no, we're not.
Of course, that's a joke.
I saw Jojo on CD UK Hotshots today.
Is that what it's called?
Saturday morning.
Do not judge Jojo.
Listeners out there will know who Jojo is.
She sang Leave, Get Out.
She's 14.
She's got a huge head and a tiny body.
Do you know Bratz?
Yes.
Barats are the dolls that like have the party van and stuff like that.
Horrible attitude dolls.
They now outsell Barbie.
Jojo looks like a brat.
Right.
She's fit, her body is tiny and her head is huge and she's got enough tude for an angry 98 year old wino.
Wow.
Only she's 14, anyway.
I'm going to look out for it.
I was just going to tease a bit of the music.
I'm very excited.
We've got a couple of new sort of feature type things.
We've got sort of an 80s classic in the first hour and a 90s classic in the second.
Are those, what, do we?
Yeah, we do.
Are those chosen by us?
Yeah, yeah.
Or is that my free play gone then?
No, no, we still got your free play.
Have you brought it in?
Yes.
Is it what you had last week?
Yes.
OK, we won't say what it is because it's a surprise.
Very good, though.
And, you know, as well as Music for Talking Heads, Graham Coxon, Franz Ferdinand, The Strokes, Blur.
How did that happen then, the 80s classic?
It's all coming up.
I sat down with Andy Ashton this week.
Really?
Head of XFM.
And... Why wasn't I invited to that meeting?
Well, you can come next week.
Is it a weekly meeting?
Yeah, I didn't think you'd want to come, actually.
No one invited me.
Well, OK, I'm sorry, that was my fault.
That's very rude.
All right.
Do you want to come next week?
No, I want to come last week.
OK.
Do you, would you really have come in the afternoon?
I didn't have to have known about it.
OK, all right then.
It's our first TIFF and we're only five minutes in.
It's not a TIFF, it's just a business talk.
Well, you've got that, you've got that face where you look serious, you look a bit angry.
I've said the business of running the show.
OK.
Is as important to me as it is to you.
Oh, I didn't realize that.
I thought you weren't that bothered about the playlist.
No, I'm not.
He wants it both ways.
On the one hand he's not bothered, but he wants to give me some bad vibes for not inviting him to the meeting.
That's basically what it is.
As well as that, we're going to be talking about all kinds of things.
Joe, you were DJing this week at the Islington Academy.
What sort of stuff did you play?
Well I did this thing called Guilty Pleasures at the Islington Bar Academy on Tuesday night and I tried to play, basically the brief was guilty pleasures, tunes that you love but are kind of ashamed of.
But you know I forgot the cardinal rule of DJing.
Play good music.
Play music people recognise.
Wouldn't you say that's the cardinal rule?
Well, every now and again, it's good to slip in a few educational choices.
Not at this, I've gone much too deep.
What did you play?
I've gone album tracks from 80s bands that I like.
Holy moly.
You know, King Size by Hecate 100.
That's a good song though.
It is a good song, but people don't know it, so they just drift away to the bar.
Yeah.
So basically I had to share my DJ set with Sean, who played sort of good tracks.
Yeah.
And I slipped a couple in between.
But it was alright.
I'll tell you who was there though.
Terry Hall was there.
Oh yeah.
What a lovely guy.
Very nice guy.
Yeah.
Have you heard that song he does with the Dub Pistols?
No.
That's very good.
I think we certainly used to play that on XFM.
I think it came out a while ago but it's very good.
That Dub Pistols album is well worth seeking out.
Here's some music right now.
We'll be back in just a second.
This is the Zootons.
Oh, that's brilliant.
Always good to hear that one again.
Although it wasn't exactly the one I was gonna put on, we were gonna have a bit of The Kings of Leon.
This is a fantastic album, which I haven't got yet, but I'm very excited about getting.
And this, of course, is The Bucket.
Yeah, that's The Kings of Leon with The Bucket.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFI.
I'm just saying hi to the listeners, Adam.
Hi.
Yeah, but you crashed the end of my sentence.
Yeah, but it's cool.
We're a duo, you know.
We sort of sometimes talk at the same time, sometimes at different times.
We finish each other's sentences.
You know when you read that phrase in magazines, you just think, what a banal observation to make about two people.
They finish each other's sentences.
On a field.
Yeah.
Oh, you did it again.
But I got it all wrong.
It didn't make any sense.
On a field.
Yeah.
I see.
It's not true.
So listen, I thought I could tease a few things not only coming up in the show, but coming up next week.
Right.
First of all, there's our bike.
Do you want to talk about that?
That's this week.
We're going to give away a bike, listeners.
A chopper, I believe it's called.
You could win Adam and Joe's chopper.
Nice.
Is it a proper adult-sized chopper?
It's not one of these tiny bikes that big guys in hoodies go around on.
Because I'd like to give one of those away.
You know we should give away a bike designed for a three-year-old, but give it to somebody over 30.
So they can cycle around South London with it?
Yeah, same.
Ash.
And look frightening?
Ash.
Same what?
Ash.
Ash, what's that?
It's a drug.
Oh, Ash!
Yeah, Ash.
I thought you meant they're going around talking about the band.
You want smoke.
Have you heard that new single by Ash?
It is wicked.
Ash single.
Yeah.
Do you think that actually, this is a full-sized bike, a full-sized chopper.
And this is kind of tied into Ed Harcourt's single, Born in the Seventies.
We're going to be playing a live session that he did for XFM, so it won't be live, it will be recorded, but it was recorded for XFM.
Right.
So, and a chopper, the distinguishing visual things about a chopper are, it's got a sort of seat like the letter L, a padded seat, right?
Oh yeah, that's right, with a little backrest.
that you can lean your back on.
And then it's got very extended handlebars, has it, that are a bit like a drag racer, like, a drag racer doesn't have handlebars, but you know, it's sort of wide at the front.
Yeah.
Well, don't they dip?
Do they dip?
I just can't help feeling a grown listener of XFM is going to look like a bit of an idiot on the chopper.
Man, we probably have a lot of young listeners as well who would dig it.
Well, maybe we should have an age cap.
And what's an age cap?
I don't know.
It's the thing that limits the age of... Oh, I see, I see, I see.
I'm just frightened it's going to go to some awful Hoxton idiot.
I see what you mean.
Who's going to write... I want it to go on someone... I want it to go to someone who can really appreciate a chopper.
That's a bit Hox dissed.
It is a bit Hox dissed, isn't it?
It's an original Chopper, their kitsch.
But we're going to be giving it away for the person who wins the Crap Commentary Corner competition this week.
And Joe, it's another quite hard one, isn't it?
It's a tricky one, yeah, in Crap Commentary Corner this week.
So that's your filter right there, you know.
Anyone who gets your Crap Commentary is good enough to win the Chopper, don't you reckon?
Yeah, if you're a film buff, stay tuned because we've got a really tricky one coming up.
We've also got Mummification, where listeners have to figure out what my mum's talking about.
That's coming up quite shortly.
And this week, here's my sort of rundown of exciting things you can buy this week or watch.
Elf, very excited about that, coming out on Monday.
Have you got that?
Where'd you get it, at the cinema store?
At a special shop that sells things a little bit early.
You couldn't wait till Monday!
Because of we because we've talked about it.
No couldn't wait till Monday.
I could talk more about the elf DVD.
Yeah, go on then It's a good DVD.
It's a double disc set Therefore they can retake they could they can charge you $19.99 for it.
Yeah, but on the second disc I expected it to be packed full of comedy extras Mm-hmm little you know will what's he called feral of barrel camping around?
Commentaries funny docks like that.
There's four docks about Christmas and
OK.
And they're just about Christmas.
There's one sort of called The Magic of Christmas.
Well, it is for children, though, isn't it?
Yeah, but you don't buy a DVD to see a completely sort of unrelated, sentimental, sugary, saccharine documentary about Christmas.
Well, speaking as a parent, that's not a bad thing to have lying around.
Really?
Yeah, just to stick on every now and again.
It's quite handy.
I know it's frustrating for a grown-up Will Ferrell fan, and I speak as both the Ferrell fan and the parent, so I'm going to be doubly happy, I feel.
You know what, maybe next week I'll bring in some audio samples from those documentaries, because they're amazing.
They're the kind of things that could only ever exist for a DVD.
Not good enough for telly, certainly nothing to do with the film.
They're kind of thin, and I'll bring some clips in.
OK, so check out Elf.
If you haven't seen it, it's well worth the watch.
It's good right the way through, but the first half hour is painfully funny, wouldn't you say?
Yeah.
It's really good.
Seinfeld DVD.
That's out.
That's the first three series.
And I went out and bought some.
We were supposed to have some to give away this week, but unfortunately we haven't been able to wangle that, which is a drag.
But unable to wait even till today.
I went out yesterday and bought volumes one to three and sat through quite a lot of the extras.
Good extras.
Slightly over-long documentary about how it all started, though, with very good interviews with Larry David, and Larry David, of course, star of Curb Your Enthusiasm and co-creator of Seinfeld with Jerry Seinfeld.
But they were very funny, as you can imagine, and it's slightly too detailed.
But still, manna from heaven for the Seinfeld fan, if you're not familiar with Seinfeld.
What are you doing?
What are you doing with your life?
Watching two pints of lager and a packet of crisps?
It's time to switch to Seinfeld.
Go out and buy that.
And of course on telly this week, The Mighty Boosh is getting its BBC2 airing.
That started life on BBC3 like many other successful comedies.
What day is that song?
That is Wednesday the 10th and it's 7pm on BBC2.
And you recommend that, don't you, Ed?
Yeah, yeah.
Have you not seen it?
I haven't seen it, no, because my digital box broke for that period of the year.
It's come back to life now.
Yeah, it's a peach.
It's really funny.
It's a couple of guys called Noel Fielding and Julian Barrett.
And it's sort of, I don't know, if you're going to be rubbish about it, I suppose you'd call it a slightly surreal comedy.
Not totally similar in spirit from stuff that Vic and Bob do, I suppose.
Is it like Green Wing?
No, I'm happy to say that it's nothing like Green Wing.
Although I am warming to Green Wing, since they've toned down the crazy visuals.
It's good that you're warming to it, because they've just commissioned about 40 new series.
Yeah, I know.
And they're now going to be five hours long each.
But no, you should check out The Mighty Boosh.
You've got to be a hard-hearted person indeed not to get something out of that.
It's a peach.
Shall I tell you what else is out on Monday?
Go on then.
The Live Aid box set.
Oh, nice!
Is anyone excited about that?
I am!
I'm excited about it, but I've also got reservations, because what I don't really care about the bands.
What I'd like to see is all the linking material.
All the studio links, all the chaotic vision mixing, all the stuff around the bands.
I bet they'll include some of it.
Do you think?
I hope so.
I very much hope so.
We should talk more about that in a second, but first, harking back to those happy times, here's our 80s classic for this week, it's Talking Heads.
Yeah.
Talking heads, and she was.
That's our 80s classic.
One a week, thanks to Adam's special meeting.
Which is very good.
Man, I'm being positive.
It's very good news.
I think that's terrific news.
Joe, I'm sincerely sorry I didn't tell you about the meeting.
That's okay, you know.
I'm passionate about this show.
I'm passionate about music.
Is that sound convincing?
It was a big passion argument.
Oh, I don't know.
Passionate about sleeping.
What have you got there?
Well, this week we've got copies of The Grudge.
Have you heard of The Grudge?
No.
Is that like The Grinch?
Well, it is a bit like The Grinch in that it's terrifying to watch, but it's intentionally terrifying.
The Grudge is a Japanese horror movie, very famous.
It's been remade with Sarah Michelle Gellar, and the American remake is coming out, I think...
at the end of this week or maybe next week.
And the American remake, which I've seen, is pretty good, but it's not as terrifying as the Japanese original.
And that's what you've got in your hands?
That's what we've got to give away.
We've got four copies.
Ooh, well you could be winning one of those if you are the winner of this week's Mummification competition.
I'm a mummy.
And you have to basically guess what she's talking about.
This week, she's talking about a TV show.
I'm not going to say any more than that because it's pretty easy.
So stand by your phones.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
And be prepared to negotiate a certain amount of switchboard fun there.
But stick with it because I think this competition is quite easy.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9 if you can figure out what my ma is going on about here.
Well, there's this girl who is really ugly looking and gross in many ways and she shares a flat with this man and she's convinced that she's absolutely lovely and everybody's madly in love with her.
And then the man is very funny.
He prefers men to girls.
So she's not going to get anywhere with him at all.
And it just goes from one hilarious episode to another.
It's great fun and I'm so sad it isn't on any longer.
I'm a mummy.
Do you know what that is, Joe?
A man who likes men, not girls.
Prefers them.
Prefers them to girls.
On television.
I know.
It blew my mum's mind.
In our living rooms.
That's disgusting.
So that's pretty easy.
How are we doing there, Lila?
Have we got lots of people phoning in?
Is that easy?
OK, so all you have to do is call 0-8-7-1-2-2-2.
You don't think that's easy, Joe?
Did you not get that one?
You know I got it because I overheard you saying... Oh, OK, right.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
If you knew what my mum was going on about just then, we'll have a winner for you after Graham Coxon.
And we've got a winner for you.
Dave, are you there?
Dave.
same sort of haircut?
Very camp, very over-the-top, I think.
You're such a tease, David.
Come on, say it.
Say the name.
It's Gimme Gimme Gimme, of course.
Course it is.
Congratulations, Dave.
That was pretty easy, wasn't it?
It was.
Do you like that show, David?
Um, it's all right.
It's all right.
I didn't watch a whole series.
And are you as sad as Adam's mum that it's co- Has it come off?
Yeah, it's not on anymore, no.
I'm sure it'll be repeated, but they're not making any new ones.
Oh, I can't wait.
Kathy Burke's a, er, well-respected theatre director now.
Really?
I saw her on Frank Skinner the other day.
She was quite sarky.
She gave Frank Skinner quite a run for his money.
I can imagine that.
It was enjoyable to see.
Dave, are you excited about seeing The Grudge?
Very, very.
Does it matter to you that Sam Raimi, the director of Spider-Man, says it's one of the most frightening films I've ever seen?
That scares me, actually.
Yeah, he's the man that directed the Evil Dead.
I'm actually quite worried now.
Yeah, it's genuinely, genuinely frightening, this film.
Well, that's on its way to you.
Dave, thanks so much for calling in.
Have a good weekend.
You too.
All right, take care.
And, uh, Sam, Darkman was on last night.
Sam Raimi as well, wasn't it?
Yeah.
That was a low point of his career.
Right, it's a very odd film.
It's an odd film, but it's still got moments of inspired necessity.
It does, yeah.
But there's about nine sequels as well, aren't there?
Yeah, but none of them to do with Remi, I don't think.
No, no.
It's one of those films that started not so good and then just got worse and worse and worse throughout its sequels.
They're very odd.
Some of them look as if they were made in an afternoon in a shed.
Anyway, this is Evan and Joe on XFM.
We'll be back after these.
XFM.
Franz Ferdinand with this fire.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM on a drizzly Saturday afternoon.
And remember you can text us on 83XFM or you can email us, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk at any point about anything that you hear in this fascinating show.
And all emails and texts are read by me.
Thanks very much indeed to James Mill, who was the first person to have sent in a school mag.
I've been appealing sort of randomly for school mags.
He sent in the record, and what is the school that he goes to?
What is the school that he goes to?
And I'm just basically encouraged.
I've been reading school mags recently and getting quite a lot of laughs out of them.
And I just wanted to see other people's mags.
So you can send them in to Adam and Joe, XFM.
Here's the address.
Have a pen and paper handy.
Number 30, Leicester Square.
And the postcode is WC2H7LA.
So one of the great things about this school mag, what's his name, James?
James, yeah.
Thank you James, is that he's graffitied all over it and this was obviously around the time of the first Harry Potter film because he's put wizard hat
hats on a lot of people, he's put lightning bolts on a lot of teachers' foreheads, and he's obsessed with any kind of pictorial anomaly that suggests genitals.
So for instance, there's a rugby player, a photo of a rugby player, and the two strings from his rugby shorts are sort of flapping while he runs.
These have been circled.
And a question mark next to them, as if he's got a willy that looks like a bit of string.
Which is funny stuff!
He's also made broadcaster Nick Ross, who is the subject of a school magazine interview, into Hitler.
And he's extended the arms on everyone in the school photo.
Quite amusingly.
You know, I hope, James, you did this years ago and not specially for us.
There's a picture of Mr. T in Y-Fronts over the under-14 rugby results.
And so it goes on.
The whole rugby team have been given dark glasses, every single one of them, and won a large Mexican hat.
This is the kind of thing we're after, isn't it, Adam?
Is this the kind of thing you were looking for?
Not really.
I was more after the actual content of the mag.
Well, I haven't even got to the content of the mag and already I'm hypnotised by the amazing graffiti ideas.
See, I was thinking once we had enough mags, then I was going to go through some of the best creative writing in there.
OK, I can help you with that in a second.
Yeah.
But I should mention that the cricket, first and second eleven, there's a guy who's, the corner of his jacket is sitting in his lap in a weird way, making it look like a sort of mysterious black blob in his crotch.
This too has been circled and question marked.
Of course.
As if he's got a weird black blob.
And in a way, you have also circled and question marked it.
By mentioning it.
So what's your creative writing?
Well, because Adam had mentioned school mags, I dug up some of my school mags and I found a poem that I wrote in 1980 or maybe 1981 and it's called Fish.
OK.
Have we got any good sort of poetry reading music to play under it?
Can we go to a record and come back to Fish?
Let's see what we've got.
Because it's a good poem, it's all about fish.
You know what, we'll just use our old regression therapy music, how's that?
Okay, this is Fish by Joseph Cornish, class R1.
Fish darts, swerves and cuts through its liquid home, blowing its pearls of life, its pearls of wisdom.
Wide-eyed, it peers wearily through a noiseless barrier and darts on again.
A road blocks.
No, sorry, not a road.
A rock blocks.
It casually quivers past it, senseless of the obtrusion.
Its glowing form reflects the water around it.
Obtrusion?
I don't even know what that means now, let alone when I was ten.
Blah, blah, blah.
A school swims with it.
A silent gathering.
With no purpose but to swim.
To swim.
Senselessly.
Silently.
Silhouetted through the simmering sea.
To go forward to whatever lies ahead.
I'm gonna skip a couple of verses.
How long is it?
Wait, it's very long.
But here's the end.
Basking in the sun.
Magnified by the flat lens of the water.
Then hooked.
By mouth.
By hook.
And killed.
And eaten.
And gone.
Ahhh.
Fish.
That's the end.
That's devastating.
Thank you.
It's a brilliantly alliterative poem about a fish and then it ends with a very powerful act of violence that makes one question our relationship with fish and our relationship with fish and chips and the idea of eating fish and is it cruel and how can you eat something so beautiful?
I could similarly have written a song called... song?
Oh, it should be a song, shouldn't it?
A poem called Piggy.
piggy pink piggy snorting snuffling searching for truffles if only they could fly actually they will fry yeah that's good that's good then at the end bang let's slice pork sizzle bacon yeah dead oh then a pause then piggy wow at the end
So, you know, I think people could send in their... That's what I'm after.
I like the creative writing.
Yeah, I mean, that's what I'm really after, I must say, although there's lots of other interesting articles.
But next week, I would really like to be in a position where I can read out some poetry from these mags.
So please do send some more in.
Once again, a reminder of the address to send stuff like that to is Adam and Joe, XFM number 30, Leicester Square,
WC2H7LA.
Now, here's the first of our super free plays this week.
Joe, this is one of yours and you had it for Ditties in the Dock last week.
Yeah, this is my kind of failed Ditty in the Dock slot.
And this is Crosby, Stills and Nash with Marrakesh Express.
And before you play it, have you queued it up when the music starts or for the funny little bit of talking?
Oh, I couldn't hear the talking.
It's too quiet.
Can you turn it right up and have a listen to it so we can try and figure out what they're saying?
Okay.
Because there's some very weird... Is it Indian or maybe Moroccan being spoken at the beginning of this song?
And I'd love to know what it means if anyone out there knows this song.
Can you hear it?
Can we play it?
It's dequeued itself now, hang on.
Oh dear, we're having technical problems.
Well it was all lined up, it was ready to go.
I'm sorry.
Okay, here we go.
Oh hang on.
That was it, we could hear that nice and clearly.
What's he saying there?
Do you know what he's saying, listeners?
Let us know.
He's the full song.
Hang on.
Can't just bring these things on me.
OK, here we go.
Bye bye, Crosby, Stills and Nash.
That's the Marrakesh Express.
Yeah.
Off they go.
CSN.
Oh, it's the CSN, isn't it?
No Neil Young at that stage.
No Neil Young, no.
No Young.
So this is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
And what was I gonna say?
It's gone out of my head.
I was going to say, have you seen, did you watch The Power of Nightmares?
No, but I know what you're talking about.
The Power of Nightmares is a powerful BBC documentary about how politicians have used fear to subjugate us.
Yeah, more or less.
Yeah, basically just saying...
Just saying that the terrorist threat and particularly the idea of al-qaeda being this big organized evil men work is More or less a piece of fiction You know more or less obviously you can't ignore the fact they have actually done some atrocities.
They've done some atrocities.
That was them building Yeah, that right.
Yeah
I shouldn't really be talking about it like that, but there you go.
But it was an amazing watch, and I'm not going to talk too much about the documentary itself.
He's called Adam Curtis, the man who made it.
He's a very famous documentarian.
But it was a weird experience watching it because, whether you agreed with it or not,
it was one of those sort of very well researched polemics that made you actually quite comforted at the end because you know the central conceit was that maybe we shouldn't be quite so terrified and get on with our lives a little more because some of these threats have been created to prop up not only the neo-conservatives in America you know the bushes of this world
but also the extreme Islamists as well.
They have their agendas and this idea of the threat of terror props up their various agendas and actually isn't quite as real as they would like us to believe it is.
That's kind of what Michael Moore's film Fahrenheit 9-11 says as well.
Have you seen that one, Adam?
Haven't seen it, no.
Yeah, it's basically the same thing.
That's one of its messages.
Yeah.
I didn't see the Adam Curtis film, but it's a similar sort of message.
But it's true to say that, I mean, when I was a kid, there was an IRA threat all the time.
And all the time I've lived in London, there's always been the threat of some sort of explosion or bomb or something.
And one or two little things have happened.
But basically, I've been able to go about my life playing video games, shopping, going to bars, pretty much uninterrupted.
Yeah, we should say obviously for the victims of those atrocities there weren't little things and occasionally terrible things do happen.
But yeah, you can't make concessions to them to that degree.
And you're not a very fearful man.
In fact, I remember while we were making the Adam and Joe show in Brixton and there were riots going on around the office.
I was a bit too frightened to come in to complete a toy movie, but you cycled in and what kind of poo-pooed me for being nervous about the riots.
I remember videoing them.
Yeah.
and thinking that I might be able to flock them to some TV channel, but I didn't get any good stuff.
But I was gonna say that the experience of watching it was comforting in that respect, you know what I mean?
It was nice to be told finally to not worry about things a little more, to calm down about things rather than to be terrified, which is what most news and current affairs programs have been telling you over the last few years.
So I was trying to think of other documentaries that it would be great to see in a similar vein, and I came up with Death, The Phantom Menace.
and that basically would be a documentary about the idea that death is this kind of conspiracy that's been created by corporations just to keep the workforce turning over and make people consume a bit faster because they think there's obviously a finite amount of time for them to divide things.
So what's the truth, that everyone is immortal?
No, obviously people do die from time to time, but the truth of death has been hugely exaggerated, and there's no real evidence... The truth has been exaggerated?
to prove that, no, the truth has been covered up, the idea of death has been exaggerated.
There's no real evidence to prove that anyone dies.
So what would be the truth?
What would be the actual truth?
Well, you see, you don't say that in the doc.
That's what it's like, you see.
So ask me a question, cross-examine me.
Adam, I'm terrified of dying.
I think it's going to be really frightening, and I'm just going to, just before I die, I'm going to know that I'm going to die, and I'm going to be panicking.
I don't want to die!
Well, don't panic about it.
Why not?
Because it's a phantom menace, it's not a real thing to worry about.
Yes, but what if the extreme Christians are right and there really is heaven and hell?
I might touch myself on a couple of occasions and I might go to hell for it.
That's a different question, actually.
That's a different fear?
Yeah, that's a different... So what are you frightened of?
Me, I'm frightened of absolutely nothing.
Nothing whatsoever.
Another documentary I'd like to see is Fast Food, Fast Fun, Fast Fitness.
And this is kind of the flip side.
This is about the fact that fruit and veg retailers mainly have been spreading lies about the benefits of hamburgers, fries and soft drinks and things like that.
simply because they're afraid of the competition.
And actually, fast food is not only tasty, it's good for you, it makes you happy, which means that your average lifespan will be extended by up to 700% if you eat a great deal of fast food.
Also, another doc I'd like to see is Smoke and Mirrors, Truth About Siggy's.
And, you know, things in that vein, basically.
I just want to see, even if they're not necessarily true, I just want to see them.
See what I mean?
Anyway, if you've got any ideas for docs you'd like to see, you can email us, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
That's correct.
Or you can text us, 83XFM.
And of course you can always just give us a call about anything.
0-8-7-1-222-1049.
We're going to be giving away that chopper bike, the Ed Harcourt Chopper, in the next hour when we've got crap commentary corner.
Yeah.
Do you think Wycliffe has got any relatives on the south coast, the singer Wycliffe?
What?
The Wycliffe of Dover?
Yeah, he probably does.
It's an interesting thought, yeah.
that fairground attraction yeah that's weird man i was thinking exactly the same thing sounds like her vocal who was that that was the delays with wanderlust uh very nice and before that you heard kasabian with processed beats this is adam and joe on xfm we're gonna play a track shortly and then after that it's gonna be competition time again here on the show and a big prize to give away this
Yeah, in fact the track we're going to play is linked to the prize we're going to play.
It's a chopper bicycle which we've been given to promote Ed Harcourt, who's sort of doing 70s style music, right?
Is that correct?
He's got a track called Born in the Seventies, which is what we're going to play.
So he's given us a chopper.
We haven't actually seen this chopper, but we believe it's a state of the art
Chopper.
Super chopper.
Do they still make choppers?
They must still make choppers.
Unless this one's been saved.
It's not like a retro second hand chopper.
It's not like Ed's.
It's a brand new shiny chopper.
Chopper.
And you can win it if you get the answer to our crap commentary competition right this week.
It's an excerpt of the commentary from a very poor movie and it's very poor commentary.
If you know what movie it is you can win that bike and it's a tricky one so you're gonna have to listen hard.
and you're going to have to have your IMDB maybe standing by on your desktop for all you internet radio quiz cheaters out there.
But first, here's the track that it's all about.
It's Ed Harcourt.
Good stuff, that's Ed Harcourt.
Can't speak today, sorry about that.
That's born in the 70s.
This is Ed and Joe on London's 104.9 XFM.
It's competition time, and thanks to Ed Harcourt, we're giving away a chopper bike to the person that can tell us, Joe, where this country is from.
Yes, once again, I've looked through my huge collection of bad DVDs, and I've recorded some snippets of the most dreadful commentary I could find, and this is from one of my personal favourite dreadful films.
There's not a lot of clues in this, not a lot of obvious clues, anyway.
There are more clues in the second clip, I think, but see if you know who this is.
If you do, call 0871 222 1049.
0871 222 1049, remember this is to win.
A chopper bicycle.
A state of the art chopper bicycle.
Ed Harcourt's chopper.
What film are these lunatic actresses and filmmakers talking about?
Thanks for listening to us today.
What are we doing here?
We're just going to talk through this movie.
They love this stuff.
Actually, the movie came out... When did the movie come out?
Three weeks ago.
Three weeks ago, and it lasted about two days.
Yay, Roger!
Listen, everybody.
I directed this, so everyone... Yeah, so give us the reason.
What are we doing?
We're gonna talk about the movie.
Wow.
Sounds instructive.
Yeah.
So that is quite tough.
Could be any film, really, couldn't it?
Do you know what it is, Adam?
Yes, I do, because I saw the writing on the label, unfortunately.
I think I would have guessed it anyway.
I do recognize one of those women in there.
Her helium voice, even though she wasn't on helium, I think the director was snorting helium from a balloon there, wasn't he?
They have helium balloons and they have fart cushions.
So, if you know what that film was and who those people were, 08712221049.
And we'll see if anyone can guess that, but we've got another clip which we'll play after this track from Spoon.
Ah, it's fantastic.
Spoon with Car Radio.
If you haven't heard Spoon yet, I would advise you to go out and buy any of their stuff.
It's all very, very good indeed.
Adam and Jo on XFM.
And we've got... We don't have any winners so far for Crap Commentary Corner.
No one knew who those girls were on that clip or what the film was.
It's tough, isn't it, Jo?
Yeah, but we were gonna talk to somebody.
Is Vince there?
Ooh, hello.
Vince?
Hello there.
Hello, Vince.
How are you?
Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.
Any yourselves?
We're very well today.
Who do you think that was, Vince?
I don't know why, but the film Boat Trip came into my head.
Not a bad guess.
Does the film Boat Trip come into your head frequently?
I've not seen it, I just remember the camel with that pretty blonde girl on it.
On that riding a banana.
That's the year you've got to hear.
Vince, anybody who calls this show and mentions Boat Trip has to come on the air, just because it means we can say Boat Trip.
You should see Boat Trip, it is incredible.
It's so deeply wrong, it's a guaranteed entertaining Saturday Night Rental.
Can we not give Vince some kind of prize for talking about Boat Trip?
Vince, do you want a copy of The Grudge on DVD?
And then you can take it down the record and tape exchange and exchange it for a copy of Boat Trip.
Do you promise you'll do that?
And do you promise you'll have a Boat Trip party?
I will have a bow shoe pie, yeah, definitely.
Such a liar.
Thanks for calling, Vince.
Yeah, thanks very much, Vince.
But it's tough, it's really, people are stumped out there.
Shall we give them another clue, Joe?
Yeah, but play them the second clip, but you've got to listen very carefully because they mention two of the Christian names of the actresses, and you should be able to deduce the movie.
And if people still don't get it, we'll just have to give them a verbal clue.
But here is clip number two in crap commentary competition.
Hi, Ikora.
Oh, God.
Oh, remember this day, Selma was with me?
Look at... No!
Oh!
That made me... Why do I... Oh, my God!
I hate myself!
Oh, never again!
I'm only doing Merchant Ivory films after this, if I can.
Uh-oh.
Gross!
I hate myself!
Ahaha!
Not nearly as much as I hate you.
There we go.
So did you pick up those two names in there?
Man, that was tougher than the first clip.
There were two of the actresses' Christian names were in there.
Well, she mentioned Christina.
Mmm, don't say them out loud.
Well, we gotta get- that was impossible!
Play it again, play it again.
Play it again?
Play it again.
There's two names of the actresses in there.
Okay, we'll tell them what the other name is.
It was Selma.
Selma and Christina.
With the power of the internet, that's an easy one to get.
And it's not- O7712221049.
It's not Frida Kahlo, in case you're wondering.
Shall we play it again?
That was torture though, that clip.
I like it.
Though the first one is more instructive maybe, isn't it?
Do you think?
I don't know.
Okay, let's play that again.
Never again, I'm only doing merchant ivory films after this
It's exhausting.
I can't believe you sat through the whole thing.
You just wonder why they would release that, why they would put that on a DVD.
Because it's automatic now, isn't it?
Everyone just gets asked to do a commentary and you just turn up and do it.
Of course it's wrong, but the world's wrong.
And the film that that's from is so wrong, ladies and gentlemen.
You could win a chopper bike if you can identify the film that that commentary was taken from.
We'll come back after a 90s classic now for the second hour and we'll see if we've got a winner for you.
Here's Blur.
That's amazing!
Blur with Beatle Bum!
Now we want to pack a lot more into the show, so I'm sorry to slice into the last few fabulous moments of that one.
That was our 90s classic this week.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
And we've got some people who think they know the film that that commentary came from.
Who have we got on line one, Joe?
I think Dennis is on line one.
Dennis, are you there?
Dennis, speak to us.
Dennis.
Dennis, bring air from your lungs and make word noises at us.
Dennis.
Hello Is that Dennis now?
That's right Hey Dennis, how are you doing?
I'm good man Do you know what that crap commentary was from?
I don't know but I'm hoping to know Right, what's your guess?
Scary Movie 3 Say again?
Scary Movie 3 Scary Movie 3, what makes you think that?
I don't know, maybe it's that or if I can have another guess No, you've got to give some logic, you just can't go just randomly naming films
Screen 3.
No, Scary Movie 3.
Scary Movie 3.
I'm sorry, Dennis, but you're wrong.
We're going to have to fade you out.
We're going to go to Joe on Line 2.
Hello, Joe.
Hello.
How are you doing?
Very good, thank you, Orwell.
Yeah, well, well, thank you very much, if that's what you said.
Or did you say Orwell?
Yeah, the first.
Reference to George Orwell.
What's your guess, Joe?
I'm going with Scooby-Doo.
Scooby-Doo, the movie with Sarah Michelle Gellar?
Yeah.
Is that a film you've seen, Joe?
Yeah, frequently.
I've got six more children, I've got six children and four year olds.
Yeah.
Gaz?
Gazza?
Gazza on one.
The big G-man.
The big G-man!
He got it right as well!
The G-monster?
This always happens.
Hello?
Hey, Gary, how you doing?
Gary, so we've kind of given the game away there because you disappeared.
What do you think it is?
The Swedish Thing.
How did you know?
How could you tell?
I used to work at a cinema.
Did you?
And so did you watch The Swedish Thing more than once?
Yeah, but not by choice.
Really?
It is an extraordinary film, don't you think?
Extraordinarily already bad.
Yeah, I think it's possibly the most enjoyably bad film that's been released, I think, in the last six or seven years.
Starring who?
Starring Cameron Diaz, Selma Blair and Christina Applegate.
There you go, that was the Selma and the Christina mentioned in the clip there.
It's kind of a laddette comedy, isn't it, Gary?
Yeah, I guess so.
I would more like to say it's crap, to be honest.
Yeah, but this is crap commentary corner.
Well, yeah.
Gary, congratulations though, you've won!
And you've won the chopper bike!
Yay!
Do you need a chopper bike, Gary?
Um, yeah, sure why not, yeah.
Yeah?
Well you know what, if you don't necessarily need it, search your soul, and maybe, Christmas coming up, give it to someone who does need it, a little kitty.
Give it to a little kitty?
Yeah, or start dealing drugs.
Don't encourage Gary to deal drugs because then when he gets arrested or deals them to my children.
I'm going to find Gary around my neck of the woods pushing drugs on my little throat.
Gary, congratulations.
That's extremely well guessed.
And thanks, you know, for trumpeting the qualities of the sweetest thing to a larger audience.
Thanks very much for your call, Gary.
Adam and Joe on XFM.
It's time for The Streets, ladies and gentlemen.
And this one is called Could Be Well In.
Very nice.
That's Gene.
Let me move on.
You're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
It's going to be time for Ditties in the Dock very shortly.
But Joe, I just wanted to ask you a question.
I know this is like quite retarded of me.
Everyone else knows this, but I'm still a bit confused.
And what chav means and where it came from.
Do you know about where the word might have come from?
I don't know the root of the word.
I know it's something to do with that pattern that you get on scarves, isn't it?
Well, they wear... Burberry, they wear Burberry, right?
Yeah, but the word itself I don't think is related to that.
I did some searching on the internet, but I've got some conflicting information here.
Yeah.
But basically, obviously, you know what a chav is?
Yeah.
What do you describe when someone says chav?
Well it's a sort of a housing estate, so I guess the guy, Mike Skinner from the streets would be a bit of a chav wouldn't he?
It's kind of Adidas trainers, tracksuit bottoms and then topped off with a little bit of designer Burberry stuff.
It's just the contemporary equivalent of a casual, what we would call a casual, back when we were teens.
Yeah.
But you know what, I also think it's just one of these things that Sunday papers and out of touch people get really excited about because it suddenly gives them a bridge to the Ute, doesn't it?
Well, I suppose because it's a thing that crosses over and it's a word that's used by them as well as us as it were.
Yeah, but it's probably not used by us, so to speak, anymore, is it?
That's usually the sort of thing that the newspapers catch on to when it's dead, basically.
I don't think it is dead, I think it's sort of getting going, isn't it?
Really?
Yeah.
Because it's just one of those words, apparently down here it's got a list, as you say, for...
names have always been around for little groups of youths who were quite fashion conscious and mouthy and sort of say to you, what are you looking at when you look in their direction, mistakenly.
I've got to say that the texts have become alight with people explaining what chav means.
A chav is a kev
I'm not sure that really helps.
No, you see, I've got a big long list of what Chatham and Kent.
Ah, you see, that's what some people say, but then the person I found on the internet said, er, no, it's actually, erm, it originates from the Romani world for child.
Chavvy.
Which is a gypsy a gypsy kid.
It's cut.
Well, it's kind of come from Yeah, gypsy a bit like pikey which is a very offensive term very offensive Adam Yeah, it's offensive to me and my caravan dwelling family Well, there you go and chav apparently was similarly offensive term and then it's become you know It's crossed over a bit to mean I've never used it until today.
I
No, I never have as well, but I, you know, obviously I want to keep abreast.
I'm just checking.
I'm quite, you know, I'm getting old now, so I want to find out what the kids are saying.
Um, Scots, Scottish people, of course, uh, call them Ned's, apparently.
Mmm.
They're called Chav's Ned's?
Yeah.
I don't know about that.
Really?
Why not?
I don't think it's the same group of people.
How are Ned's different to Chav's?
A Ned is just like a happy-go-lucky lad.
Scotland and Ned yeah kind of sort of yeah kind of first I might hang around the young yobs yeah yeah yeah some people say that Ned is an acronym of non-educated delinquents yeah but apparently it's just a bridge form of the name Edward this is what happens when you do research on the internet
What?
You could just get all kinds of information.
This is the mistake people make about the internet, that it's not like some sort of a dictionary.
What do you mean the mistake?
This is interesting.
It is interesting, definitely.
What, are you saying this is all wrong?
It's very hard to go to the internet for the truth about something.
All you get is a sort of misty cloud of random theories from a million people across the world, and that sometimes people approach it like a sort of
font of truth, you know, like a book.
Well, this is a consensus.
It's like a book that any old sod could write in the internet.
Look at it that way.
Yeah.
A reference book that any old idiot can put an entry in.
Yeah, okay.
But I've done a certain amount of research and this is the consensus of opinions.
It's good, I'm enjoying it.
Keep going.
No, I'm going to stop now because it's just a book of rubbish.
We'll be back with Ditties in the Dark after Nick Lowe.
Fantastic.
That's Nick Lowe with So It Goes.
Lots of people texting us about Chavs.
Thank you for your texts.
We seem to have reached the conclusion that it is indeed a Romany word used by travelling folk.
From the word chavy for child.
But apparently it can also mean council... Council housed and violent.
Yeah, that sounds good to me.
And just before we leave the Chavs alone for this week, can I just quote the Daily Mail, who describes Chav women as pulling their shoddily dyed hair back in an ultra-tight bun known as a council house facelift.
Yeah.
Croydon facelift.
I hadn't heard that one.
They wear skirts too short for their mottled blue thighs and expose too much of their distressingly flabby midriffs.
Ah, well, Daily Mail, there you go.
OK, let's speed through this now.
Coming up to the last quarter of an hour of the show here on XFM with Adam and Joe.
It's Ditties in the Dock.
Joe and I are going to battle it out for who gets to play the last song of our two hours.
Joe, what have you got?
I've got a track by the Fomboy through the way that you do it, on account of the fact that I had a very nice chat to Terry Hall on Tuesday night at the Guilty Pleasures night at the Islington Academy bar or whatever it was.
And what a lovely fellow he was.
Yeah, because you know, he suffers from depression.
Was he okay that night?
Yes, he was.
He was well-medicated.
Yeah.
Good, good, good.
Yeah, thanks for mentioning that.
It's fairly well known.
He was in a great mood and he was a great guy and we had a long talk about Nick Hayward because he still hangs out with Nick Hayward.
Does he really?
Yeah.
And so here's something, not that he needs it, but in case he needs an extra 20p royalties, it ain't what you do, it's the way you do it by Fumboy 3.
A great track anyway.
yeah man he's still got it definitely no question yeah well that's a smash and hard to compete with but i'm going to try because i've got einstein a go-go by landscape uh so we've both unwittingly come in with sort of early 80s classics and einstein a go-go if you've never heard it before landscape were a very weird band i had a album called from the tea rooms of can you not whistle during my presentation please i'm helping it by whistling the tune whistling the tune whistling
And yeah, the the tea rooms of Mars to the hellholes of Uranus was their album you get it crazy And it was a really really weird sort of very early abrasive electronic album But they they kind of managed to cross over with some really poppy tunes occasionally Einstein a go-go was their biggest hit the follow-up was Norman Bates Remember that one Joe?
Yeah, which was really weird?
I'm just a normal guy.
Won't be playing that one.
Ordinary guy, isn't it?
Uh, normal guy.
And um, it's a brilliant song.
If you've never heard it, Einstein and Go-Go.
It's demented and it sounds very current as well today because of the electro-clash or whatever you want to call it, which I know happened two years ago.
So there we go.
This is in the doc.
It is, uh, uh, Fumbod 3, within what you do, it's the way that you do it, versus Einstein and Go-Go.
By what are they called?
Landscape.
So let's say Landscape or Fun Boy.
Those are your key words.
871-222-1049, the winning song gets to play out the show.
Plus the winning phone vote is going to win a very special DVD that I've actually lost.
What is it?
Oh no, here it is.
It's some sort of interactive DVD music quiz.
It's a DVD you put into your DVD player.
It's called Beat the Intro.
You hear the beginning of a bit of music.
A DVD you put into your DVD player?
Yeah, one of those ones.
Wow.
And so it's a great sort of quiz DVD.
So the winning vote, you know, you can't actually decide to be the winning vote, but if you are the winning vote, you win.
Oh, it's 7-1-triple-2-1, a 4-9 fun boy, or Einstein.
But first, here's Green Day.
Yeah, that serves you right for listening.
Oh, this is Adam and Joe, XFM online, and this is Ditty's in the Dock.
That was Green Day, incidentally.
The Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
Now, let's see, Ditty's in the Dock.
We're going to take the best of five callers, and the choice, as you remember, is between landscape, Einstein and GoGo, and fun boy three, ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it.
We've got online one, Vern.
Hello, Vern, are you there?
Yes, hello.
How are you doing?
Not too bad.
Goody, and what are you voting for, Vern?
Nice, a good choice.
That's one for Einstein.
Let's go to line two with Emily.
Hello Emily.
Hiya.
How are you?
Alright, thanks.
Having a nice Saturday?
Wonderful Hector.
Good.
What are you voting for?
For fun boy please.
For fun boy?
That makes it one all.
Wow.
Track three, Richard.
Are you there?
Yep, hi there.
Hello Richard.
Landscape, actually.
Landscape, Richard.
Do you remember Landscape first time around, Richard?
Yes, I do.
Unfortunately, I'm old enough to remember both of these tracks, but my preference is Landscape on this occasion.
Can you sing us a line from Einstein A Go-Go?
Shall I whistle it for the little intro?
Yeah, Joe was whistling it before, but I rudely cut him off.
Go on.
That's the fella.
Fantastic.
So that's 2-1 to Landslide.
Jazz, if Jazz votes for Landslide, then Landslide it is.
And Scape.
Scape, sorry.
Landslide is an Olivia and John song, isn't it?
I don't know.
I know.
Jazz, what are you voting for?
Hello Jazz, are you there?
Hello Jazz.
Jazz is listening to some jazz.
He's gone into space, man.
It's Jazz, man.
Taking a break from recording Jazz's new album.
Jason, perhaps?
Yeah, hang on.
Well, it's all for Jazz then.
Alright then.
Fumboy 3.
Oh, Lord!
Well, this caller has automatically won Beat The Intro, the exciting quiz DVD thing.
He's called Ben.
Are you there, Ben?
I am.
How are you, Ben?
I'm fantastic, thanks guys, how are you?
I'm well, we're both very well as well, thank you very much.
Are you excited that you've won Beat The Intro?
I am, very excited.
Have you got a DVD player?
Yes, I do.
Wow.
Very modern.
Because they're expensive, aren't they?
So what are you voting for?
Oh Ben!
Well done you sir.
You fruit of nature.
I'm gonna bring in landscape next week.
Yeah that's the great thing about our new free plays, we can have the sort of renders ditties in the dock, sort of slightly irrelevant.
But that's not a thing to say just as we announce the winner and play it.
So there we go, it's a 3-2 victory to Terry Hall and the Fun Boy 3.
We've been Adam and Joe, thanks for listening for the past two hours.
We'll be back with you next week, 1-3, with all sorts of maybe slightly better prepared funny things next week.
Who knows?
Who was unprepared?
Me.
Okay.
Well don't tarnish me with your brush.
I'm sorry.
You say?
Anyway.
Thanks very much for listening, lots of love, bye!
Here's the Fun Boy 3.
That's
And your child will swing
I didn't know what life was all about But then I learned I must confess Life is like a game of chess It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it It ain't what you do, it's the time that you do it It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it That's what makes you so sweet
It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do
That's what gets results.