Yeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it.
I'm frightened.
That is Green Day, of course, with a boulevard of broken dreams.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM, and it's only a week till Christmas!
That's very exciting.
This time next week, man, we're gonna be in a shack in Leicester Square, broadcasting live for our special Christmas Day programme.
That's true.
And then afterwards, I'm gonna go home and stuff myself.
with drugs.
No, I'm not going to do that.
It's not very nice, is it?
No, I'm not going to do that.
Not very Christmassy.
Christmas is all about drugs of one kind or another.
Is it?
Yeah.
Booze, Siggy's, paracetamol, all those kinds of things.
I don't know about that.
I don't think that's Christmas for the homeless.
And the Buxties.
Okay, well, coming up in the next two hours, uh, is my microphone sounding very distorted?
No.
Good.
Okay, those are my ears.
Uh, we have got, uh, mummification.
That's right.
It's an exciting competition.
It's my mum describing something.
You have to guess what it is.
It's really very simple.
You know the deal.
And, uh, if you...
correctly guess what she's talking about, you win a huge stack.
We've got a massive Christmas stack of prizes.
Are we going to give that away for mummification or are we going to have a phone income?
Because we've got the biggest box of prizes ever known to man.
Well either way, we can't give the entire box away for one thing.
I think that's the point.
It's like an amazing game show where they give away a house or a car.
Except without the amazing game.
Well we can think of one.
We can't just pull one out of the bag.
It's taken us this long just to come up with crap commentaries.
I've got one already.
Are you going to tell us?
I could tell you, yeah.
Go on then.
I'll tell you after record.
See what, you can't say yes and then say no.
No, I said yes or I'll tell you after a record.
Right, okay, it's gonna be one of these shows, is it?
Yeah, okay.
Well, who have we got coming up next now?
Uh, don't know.
It's you two.
And sometimes you can make it even.
I can't see the rest, it's not printed on the sheet.
That's the strokes with reptilia.
This is Adam and Joe on XFL.
Hello, hi.
We've got an extraordinary box of goodies to give away this afternoon, and I might just describe to the listeners some of the goodies in there by moving my microphone to floor level.
Wow, this is amazing.
This is amazing action radio.
This is FCUK deodorant, Adam.
Apparently the phrase FCUK, that whole advertising campaign, has resulted in a massive loss of revenue for French permission.
Good, because it's horrible.
Exactly.
The great Ross Ross the great rock discography a crash bandicoot bag.
Hey, well, there's just so much stuff in here I'm trying to find something that's actually good Genesis greatest hits and DVD eat my goal on DVD grumpy old men on DVD will embrace box set DVD double tape DVD and
dirty dancing sue dvd star trek in the original series star trek star trek star trek original series in a big box plastic box 600 chick flicks reviewed in a book the funniest things you never said the ultimate collection of humorous quotations quantum leap the complete first season there's a there's a politics oh there's a ricky gervais t-shirt there's an xfm woolly hat matrix box set there's a copy of crash twinsanity on the ps2
Goonies DVD.
There's the Counting Crows Shrek tie-in single.
Only Fools and Horses DVD.
The Office Christmas Specials.
This is amazing.
This is basically a whole kind of middle-of-the-road DVD collection in a box.
Michael Ball, live in London.
Have you talked about Michael Palin Himalaya DVD?
No, I haven't even talked about that yet.
See, here's something good.
Spellbound, the documentary about little kiddies doing a spelling test.
That's brilliant.
Al Mario, the pub landlord.
Fantasy Football, Only Fools and Horses.
A T-shirt!
This is incredible.
How are we going to give this away?
Uh, well, we could just hand it out to Tramps after the show.
I think it should go to someone who really deserves it.
Tramps deserve it.
Well, Tramps probably can't get access to telephones.
Everyone does.
Do you think people in Tramps have mobiles these days?
Yeah, they've just got bad ones.
Pay us your booze.
Yeah.
Well, if you can call in and prove that you're a tramp, we might give it to you.
Yeah, that includes you, Shane McGowan.
If you phone in, you'll win it all immediately.
A 28 Days Later t-shirt.
What's your idea, Joe, for the competition?
Well, my idea was that I've been reading Viz magazine.
You know, we both read Viz magazine since we were at school.
That's very funny.
And we used to find it hilarious.
But I think their comic strips have gone a little bit downhill.
I haven't read it for a long time.
Well, the letters page is still very good, and the text stuff is pretty good, but the comic strips are almost unreadable.
And this is the kind of thing that, I don't know about you, but I often find myself having ideas for a Viz comic strip.
Your phone's going... Just try and ignore it.
It's going... Doing the R2D2 noise on the thing.
Who is it?
It's Walliams.
Dave Walliams.
I find myself thinking of ideas for this comic strip.
Just ignores the call from the celebrity.
I had a couple this week, for instance.
In fact, my friend had one.
It's a comic strip like the Power Rangers, and it's done just like the Power Rangers, but it's called the Flower Rangers.
Nice, that's good, yeah.
Flower Rangers.
Do they still do that thing like, you know, Clarence Cox's puts pimp matches back in boxes?
Yeah, lots of double entendres and stuff like that.
They've basically still got the same line up of characters that they originally had.
I had another one.
Instead of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
That's nice.
They're a Victorian band of sort of, well, it's like the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, but they just solve crimes by being amazingly soft.
Wow, they even solve crimes.
I thought maybe they just sat around stroking cats and things.
No, that's the thing.
They take on amazing monsters and they destroy them in a very, very gentle way.
That's a good idea for a film.
It's just generally a good idea.
It's got to be better than the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen in the film.
Couldn't be worse.
So that's maybe a competition, you know, people could text in an email in with their ideas for Viz comic strips.
We just need the title, because that's what Viz comics are all about, aren't they?
The title.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a very good idea, yeah.
And we could send them to Viz and maybe rescue the comic.
Not that it's in trouble, but it might be, if they don't, you know, get some really funny strips in there soon.
And listen to our ideas.
Yeah.
Okay, music now.
Joe, this is a free play and it's one of yours.
Yeah, this is Led Zeppelin with Over the Hills and Far Away.
Adam and Joe on XFN.
Rock and roll!
Mmm, that's the killers.
What a Christmas-y sound.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The sound of Christmas.
And this is Adam and Joe on XFM.
And it's the last Saturday before Christmas.
Yeah.
As if you didn't know.
And West End is crazy out there, man.
Well, there's a march going on.
Fathers for Justice have all dressed as Santa.
And they're marching through the West End.
Dressed as Santa.
They always make an impression, those guys.
I should apologise for my phone going off.
That's very unprofessional, isn't it?
Nah, it's exciting.
But I'm having a bit of a party tomorrow and nobody, no one can remember where it is or when it is.
The easiest thing to do would just be to say it on the radio.
But then you'd get a lot of other posts... Well, exactly.
...that maybe you didn't want.
Maybe I could just ask anybody who doesn't know me to turn off.
It's probably not that many.
Probably not, yeah.
That's up to you, mate, if you want to give it out.
Don't think I want to risk it.
No, fair enough, then.
Have you seen the Martini ad with George Clooney and Lisa Snowdon?
yeah when he sort of turns up as the ultimate gift yeah in fact he gets snubbed doesn't he in favor of martini in favor of a bottle of booze yeah and then he turns and looks to the camera he looks at the camera in a very gorgeous smoldering way goes
Well, how do you like them apples?
I've got something to say about Clune.
Who expected that?
What have you got to say about Clune?
Well, I think you should make your point first.
Well, my point is that it's just a bit creepy, the whole exercise, I thought.
That's all.
Just seems a bit dishonest.
Because, so for people who haven't seen it, the premise is this.
Um, the ad asks the viewer, first of all, what would you wish for?
That's the premise of the ad.
And then it proceeds to show us a girl at a party answering a door to George Clooney, because that's what many women would ask for, the Clooney.
But here's the thing, she only wants...
a bit of martini from george she doesn't want she's presented with george cluney at her party in black tie looking roguish and ready for a rumpee but she just wants a bottle of his martini she'd rather get sozzled than get causal exactly now uh the amusing fantasy premise of this ad i think is undercut obviously by the fact that the girl is lisa snowden and she is in fact going out with george cluney so i think that
would make you think surely that that you know a Clooney's probably doing this as a favor to Snowden don't you reckon like because he's his career is bigger than hers also getting paid a huge amount of money I would I would assume so it's an all-win situation does the girlfriend a favor makes a bit of cash everyone's laughing and then second reason I think this is a bit weird
is that, you know, the fantasy seems to be that Lisa Snowden is just one of the girls.
You know what I mean?
She's just like you, all she dreams about.
She's real and he's not.
Yeah, she dreams about meeting Clooney just like you.
But she does, she knows him, she goes out with him.
Do you know what I mean?
And in fact, she's going home with the cloon after the ad's finished, and we, the pathetic audience, is thereby left to drown out the boredom of our miserable existences with Martini.
Do you know what I mean?
That's what it says to me.
Maybe I'm taking it a bit too seriously.
It's possible.
Yeah, I hadn't thought about it that much.
But it bothered me.
Usually what goes through my head is, you're gloomy.
Obviously that's what went through my head first, but then I started to deconstruct it.
Well, that's what makes you superior to me, Adam.
What did you think?
Well, I've been excited about Oceans 12, which is the sequel to Oceans 11.
That's your right.
I was excited about it until I started reading about it.
And basically, Ocean's Eleven was directed by Stephen Soderbergh, and he's best mates with all the cast, people like Julia Roberts and Andy Garcia and George Clooney and Matt Damon, etc.
Richard Blackwood.
No, you're thinking of the guy with the worst English accent in the world.
Oh yeah, Don Cheadle.
Yeah.
So they're all back for this new version of Ocean's Eleven, Ocean's Twelve.
And they filmed it basically at each other's houses around Europe.
So they went to Lake Como and they stayed at George Clooney's house, and they just filmed at George Clooney's house.
Steven Soderbug operated the camera, apparently it had a very small crew, and it's kind of, appears to be the most hideously, self-indulgent, awful film ever made.
He made another film in a similar way on DV, didn't he?
Yeah, the one set around LA, I can't remember what it was called.
So get this, apparently in Oceans 12, the sequel to Oceans 11, I was reading an interview with them and they were talking about how Julia makes the most amazing, brave, brilliant performance choice towards the end of the movie.
And there's something in the script that will just freak people out.
They'll either love it or they'll hate it.
It's amazingly brave.
It's a brilliant, like punching through the screen.
It's extraordinary.
So I was thinking, what is this?
What is this twist that happens in Oceans 12 that's going to blow our minds?
And I discovered what it is.
Do you want to hear?
This might be a bit of a spoiler.
So maybe if you don't want to have a little element of Oceans 12 spoiled, you should stop this at this point.
You're Dr. Spoiler, man.
I'm Dr. Spoiler.
OK, so certain spoilers can be very exciting.
Let's make this clear.
Please turn off now for a moment if you don't want to hear the spoiler.
It's not a plot twist.
It's just a tiny thing that happens in it.
Can you give it away in ten seconds?
Yeah.
Okay, for the next ten seconds, if you don't want to have Ocean 12 spoiled for you, then put your fingers in your ears.
I don't think it will spoil it for you.
Go.
Julia Roberts, as part of a heist at the climax, pretends to be who?
Richard Blackwood?
No, Julia Roberts.
Oh my God, my brain's melting!
And then she meets, so she gets into the bank by going, hi, I'm Julia Roberts.
Of course, within the narrative of the film, she's not Julia Roberts, but she is Julia Roberts!
It's so exciting!
And apparently Bruce Willis walks into the scene.
And he's playing Bruce Willis.
I don't think Blackwood got a look in.
Really?
I know, it's surprising, isn't it?
Well, that would have been post-modern.
Doesn't that sound awful?
Yeah, I mean, post-modern is not a sufficiently large phrase to deal with that.
It sounds dreadful, you know what?
I cannot wait.
Can't wait either.
Mummification coming up after this.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Oh, it always finishes so unexpectedly quickly, that one.
That's Killer Man Gyro by Baby Shambles.
Number eight in the charts.
In the UK charts.
And of course, Pete Doherty number one on the NME cool list for 2004.
Is it right to elevate a blatant drug abuser to the position of a cultural hero for the kiddies?
No, of course it's not, it's ludicrous.
It seems to be an easy way to get very famous, Johnny Vegas, Shane McGowan.
If you're nakedly obvious about your drug abuse, in fact if you sort of champion it, people seem to take you to their hearts.
Johnny Vegas isn't an alky, isn't he?
Well, he very much, he always carries a thing of beer, doesn't he, around.
Yeah, so it's like, because everybody loves a bit of a tipple.
Well, he doesn't, he doesn't behave in an alcoholic way in his personal life, I don't think.
Not anymore, but you've got to admit he used to.
That was the thing about Johnny Vegas, he turned up at award ceremonies.
Very, very drunk.
That was his routine though man, that was his shtick.
That was his stand-up shtick.
Maybe you think it was all a very, very sober, brilliantly planned performance.
Yeah, he wears a big prosthetic.
But that's beside the point, really.
My point is, should drug-abusing lunatics be elevated to the position of icons for the kiddies?
Well, you're talking to the wrong audience, because I would imagine most people listening to this would say yes.
I would say yes, as well.
Yes, well done.
Well, I say a firm no.
I always forget to make it a bit louder that one yeah you're rubbish at stabbing I know so it's time for a competition mummification and this week what can they win Joe if they win this well they win this is really a lady prize yeah so if you're a lady a beautiful lady listen very closely because you will not if you're guaranteed to if you're a woman you're guaranteed to love these prizes
It's a book called Chick Flicks.
Over 600 Chick Flicks reviewed.
All chicks love Chick Flicks and also Will & Grace.
That's a big box set of Will & Grace.
Contains all 22 episodes of Will & Grace.
So that's quite a good price.
All you have to do is tell us who my mum is talking about.
0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 is the number to call.
0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 if you know who my mum is talking about here.
He's got a kind of sideways, sly smile and nice sort of floppy hair, which is the sort of hair I like.
I really don't like very, very short hair at all.
I like the thought of being able to run one's fingers through somebody's hair.
A few years back, a close friend of mine said, and guess who came to lunch the other day?
Who?
And it was this person, and I thought, I cannot believe it.
What did I miss?
Why wasn't I there?
I would have given you anything.
A boring old stick.
There you go.
So run her hands through his hair.
Which boring old stick was my mother describing there?
08712221049 will find a winner after this.
Well, that was Interpol with Evil, another great Christmas record from your Christmas radio station XFM, sounding good like.
I'm a mummy.
Lou Reed.
Didn't you think he sounded a bit like Lou Reed?
He does a little bit, yeah.
That's what you get when you have one person driving the desk and two DJs.
What?
What do you get?
People talking in stings like that.
Interruptions, yeah.
I blame the rhythm of your conversation.
Yeah, it's slightly halting on a Saturday morning.
You need more full stops, less full stops.
Anyway, we have someone on the line now who thinks they know who my mum was talking about.
Is it Shilpa?
That's right.
Hello Shilpa, how are you?
I'm alright, how are you?
Very, very well, thank you very much.
That was good, wasn't it?
That was excellent, thanks man.
What are you doing today, Shilpa?
Just usual gym, work, going out, getting drunk in the evening.
Gym, work, getting drunk?
What kind of Saturday is that?
A normal one.
She's your classic chick and you will love, well if you win, you'll love these prizes.
Do you like chick flicks?
Yeah, there you go.
She sounds like an advertiser's dream.
Perfect chick.
Gym, gym in the morning, work, get drunk, win a box set of Will & Grace.
You know, Chilpa, if you, if you dropped... Chilpa.
Chilpa.
How do you pronounce your name?
No, you're doing it right, Chilpa.
Chilpa, yeah.
Just leave it, Joe.
Sorry, I was just correcting you.
You called her Chilpa.
I don't correct you when you do randomly mispronounce names.
Okay, um, Chilpa, um, you know, the thing is that if you just didn't go to the gym and didn't go boozing, the two would cancel each other out.
It would just, uh... That's the ironiest life, you see.
Mmm.
You need both.
You need the ying and the yang and the yong.
Exactly.
Chilpa, who do you think Adam's mum was describing?
John Travolta?
What makes you think it was John Travolta?
It's that one scene in Grease where he's on that car and putting his hands in his hair and doing that crazy smile.
But Adam's mum wanted to run her hands through the man's hair.
I doubt Adam's mum would want to run her hands through John Travolta's greasy, greasy hair.
No, her hands would get stuck and then it would be awful.
I'm afraid that's wrong.
I'm very sorry, Shilpa.
Sorry, Shilpa.
But thank you so much for calling in.
Have a great time at the gym and getting drunk and everything.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just another day for sure.
Another day.
Gym and then drunk.
You should do both at the same time, that's the other way to approach it.
Exactly.
Go to the gym drunk.
Nikki, hello, are you on the line?
Nikki.
I am, I am, hello.
Hello, Nikki, how are you?
Oh, very well, thank you.
Have you been to the gym yet, Nikki?
Oh, good, no, no, no.
I'm actually, I'm on the road, not driving, obviously.
Right, running.
Yeah.
Just running down the road.
Nick, who, sorry, I just got very familiar with you there for a second.
Nick, Nick, babe, babes, who do you think my mum was talking about?
I think it was Hugh Grant.
Yes, of course it was Hugh Grant.
How did you work that one out, Nicky?
Yes, because I had sloppy hair and then I turned the volume down and rang in.
Do you think he really is a bit of a boring old stick?
Sorry?
Do you think Hugh Grant is a bit of a boring old stick in real life?
I didn't hear all I heard the
All she heard was floppy hair and then she started dialing.
She said that Adam's mum said that Hugh Grant came to a party that a friend of Adam's mum gave and he was apparently a boring old stick.
I can imagine that though, yeah.
Having said that, can you imagine what it must have been like for Hugh Grant to go to a party around at my mum's friend's place?
I imagine that he was as bored as a stick and maybe failed to disguise it.
Anyway, Nikki, thank you so much for your call.
Congratulations.
Are you excited about that Will and Grace box set?
Imagine all the gay fun you're gonna have.
It's gonna be outrageous and funny!
Thanks for your call.
Have a very nice day.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
Here's a free play now.
This is a tune from a band called New Music from an excellent album of theirs called From A to B.
Great to hear the Smurfs still in work.
Yeah, there's not enough stuff with, you know, squeaky voices in there.
That's new music, and of course it's not new in any way at all.
It's from 1980.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM, London's 104.9.
Don't forget we've got an enormous box of goodies to give away.
25 different DVDs, loads of fantastic CDs courtesy of HMV.
They're the top dog for Christmas when you buy online or in store at the last minute.
Do you know what, I think they're the top dog for any time of year.
Yeah, we like HMV.
One of the reasons I like HMV is the staff usually recognize me.
Do they really?
Yeah.
And that's what I like.
It's a home away from home for you, isn't it?
Now, how are we doing with our vis-
Well, that's right, listen, we've been asking you to come up with ideas for new Viz comic strips, because we feel Viz needs a bit of a shot in the arm for its comic strips.
It is, of course, a brilliant publication, especially Top Tips and the Letters page, but I've noticed that the strips maybe have become a little lackluster in the last year or so.
So, do you want me to read out some of the ones we've got, Adam?
Have you got any good ones?
Well, I don't really know about that.
I've got a couple for you here.
Go on.
How about this?
David Blunkett, he can build a career and then junk it.
And you see it's topical as well.
That would be a sort of topical one-off strip.
That's good.
Did you make that one up?
I made that one up.
Wow.
I'm thinking of writing for Have I Got News For You.
And here's another one.
Nina Pescalator.
She stands on the wrong side of the escalator.
That's very, very good.
You don't think that's good at all, do you?
You're just concentrating on the computer screen.
OK, these are the texts we've had.
Danny Bunyan, he smells like an onion.
That's your basic standard rhyming, you know, that's somebody who's sort of broadly grasped the concept of a vis comic strip.
So it's OK, it's getting there.
What else have we got?
Then we've got one called the Family Belle Neighbours from Hell.
Basically the point we're making is this enormous box of goodies is very much up for grabs if you can come up with a genuinely funny idea for a Viz comic strip.
I had the League of Extraordinarily Gentlemen, who fight monsters in a very gentle way, and what was the other one I had?
Maybe we should just give you the box.
Maybe I should just take the box.
Is that okay, Lila?
Let's do that!
Come on, Lila reckons it's not okay.
Our hard work can present to Lila.
But we might have to overrule her.
If you don't send us a decent idea that's better than Danny Bunyan, he smells like an onion.
OK, do you want to hear a couple more?
Go on then.
How about, this is from Alex in Manchester, he says, how about Harry Pothead and the Stoner Philosopher?
That's getting there, but that's very adult.
Again, that would be a one-issue one, wouldn't it?
Plus, it doesn't really rhyme enough.
Mickey Moose, the working-class unemployed cartoon character.
He's like Mickey Mouse, but Mickey Moose.
It's kind of dated, it's good.
We've got another David Blunkett one here, but it's too rude to read out.
Well, yeah, there's a lot of rude things you could do with Blunk It.
Yeah.
So there we go.
So this huge box of amazing gifts, 25 different DVDs, over 5,000.
That's not true, actually, but probably over 10 CDs.
Get your ideas in.
Yeah, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk or text us on 83XFM to win that amazing box of goodies.
Music, ads and music, and then we'll be back with you.
You alright there, Joe?
Yeah, I'm alright.
I just feel sort of... I get a nut by fashionable Krautrock.
They're not even... It's Scottrock, isn't it?
But they sound German because of their name.
Well, I think the lead singer is Germanic.
Is he?
Yeah.
That was Franz Ferdinand.
Franz Ferdinand, they're so hot right now!
They're top of my pole this year!
Really?
They're top of my pole!
That's exciting that they're on top of your poll.
They're top of my poll.
So we've been asking you to text in with your ideas for a new VIZ comic strip to maybe, you know, we don't want to be disparaging about VIZ, we love it, but we felt that maybe the comic strips are a little tired.
And we've had some very good suggestions in.
This is of course to win the most enormous Christmas gift box ever given away on the radio, possibly, with over 25 DVDs, loads of CDs, fantastic books and stuff.
So we've had some good ideas.
For instance, I think in the lead at the moment is... Where's it gone?
Pete Chases the Dragon.
So basically a comic strip called Pete's Dragon.
And it would be about Pete Doherty chasing the dragon or wanting to chase the dragon and the scrapes he gets into.
Yeah.
That would be pretty good, don't you think?
Well, I think it's got a lot of potential.
That's from Shane in Hertz.
What else have we had?
I've come up with a couple more.
Go on.
Tony Scrod.
He can't decide what to play from his iPod.
That's good.
That could be maybe in Word magazine.
What's your problem with Word magazine?
Because they have a whole iPod pullout, don't they?
Everyone has iPod pullouts now.
Do they?
I don't read the music, Max, really.
So Word is the best of the pile.
What's another one?
Have you got another one?
Yeah, I've got another one.
Timmy Tool.
He thinks stepping out in front of moving cars and raising his hand to stop them in a very nonchalant way is cool.
That's good.
It's a bit long.
It's a bit of a whirlpool, but that, in a way, is the joke.
Jesus and his cheeses, I quite like.
Yeah, that's not bad.
Jesus and his cheeses, that's a classic sort of thing.
They may even have done that before.
They had Christ on a bike, was one of my favourite ones, where Christ got given a bike for Christmas.
See, you can rail about Visber.
Man, you can't beat Christ on a bike.
Here's a quote, between Iraq and a hard place.
That's got to have been done.
I don't know if it's been turned into a comic strip, but... You know what?
There's so many of them now that I'm having trouble actually reading them.
It's too exciting for my eyes.
It's like the X-Men, but the triple X-Men.
They fight villains with porn.
That's a good idea.
I imagine the porn industry has already applied themselves to that problem.
Probably.
So are we saying that the one that's in the lead at the moment is Pete's Dragon?
Probably, for the moment, yeah.
It's the one with the most potential.
But keep texting 83XFM, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk if you want to win the biggest box of prizes ever.
So Joe, what's this weird piece of rubbish you've brought me?
Well, you start playing it now, Adam.
This is just a little bit of music.
It's not very good quality.
So this is Nelly and the exciting thing is he's done a deal with CBBC.
Did you know that?
Is that real?
Yeah, he's done a deal with CBBC and he's gonna do the theme tune for the new series of Grange Hill.
Give it a bit of juice.
Is that exciting news?
How about that?
I can't believe you're not bored of these things.
I love that.
Isn't there, there's a bit of software you can buy now, which just does it automatically for you.
Well, I don't care, I think that's fantastic.
I've always loved the Grainshill theme and it works amazingly well with Nelly.
It's a bit of library music, isn't it, the Grainshill theme?
Well, it was also the theme to give us a clue, wasn't it?
And in fact, it fits with Give Us a Clue Better.
Give us a clue!
That's right.
We can't fit Grainshill into it.
I do listen to a lot of these, but this is the best one I've put in some time.
It's certainly, it's probably very old.
That is a good one.
It does sound like you downloaded it from a dustbin.
I did not do that.
I bought it from a secondhand record store.
Okay then.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Here's a track right now from Frank Black.
Stick with it.
Frank Black, now calling himself Black Frank, Francis III, I don't know what the hell he calls himself now, but he is of course the lead singer of the Pixies.
That was from his fantastic solo album, Teenager of the Year, and you're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
Joe, have you had any more good little things to do?
But we're being inundated with them now, these ideas for this comic strips, and frankly I'm having trouble reading them all in time.
But we've got Fruits Maneuver.
Could be a good one about a guy that runs a fruit stall and shifts fruit a lot.
Dunno where the sort of Fruits Maneuver aspect of that would come in.
Well he does it in the Brixton market.
Yeah.
Is that it?
That's it.
OK.
He's a black guy.
And there's a lot of them in Brixton.
The Vicar of Bray team?
That's not very good, is it?
What's that?
The Vicar of Bray team.
It's like the A team, but the Vicar of Bray team.
That's dreadful.
I didn't mind that, Matt.
Matt Craig Green.
I thought that was good.
Adam hates it.
Thank you.
That is shocking.
Celine Neon?
What?
What about Celine Neon?
He's a singer.
He's a rubbish.
You can't just change... That is useless.
Well, give me some of yours again.
Repeat some of yours.
Why don't you just have Jonathan... What was your David Blunkett one again, Adam?
All right, that wasn't the best.
OK, well, you know, don't throw stones when you're living in a greenhouse or whatever it is.
It was better than Celine Neon.
Mine was David Blunkett.
He can build a career and then junk it.
It's topical.
That's dreadful.
What you want is a taste of your own medicine.
Go on, give me one then.
That's dreadful.
You're awful.
That's rubbish.
Bing!
Record.
That'd be a taste of your medicine.
Is that, sorry, you can't just carry on like that.
Is that your impression of me?
Yes.
That was pathetic.
See?
And it also, also, totally untrue.
Just because I poured scorn on Celine Neon.
Are you saying- are you telling me that you think Celine Dion is good?
We've got quite a lot of political ones.
He just ignores me.
He just carries on talking.
We've got a lot of blanket ones.
As if I'm not here.
Blair Devil.
Like Daredevil, but Tony Blair.
And he's the devil?
Yes.
We've got one- someone who sent in President Blair, dot dot dot, his smile shows he cares.
Brilliant.
How about this?
President Bush, his promises go woosh.
So basically, we're still working on it.
I think the next time we speak, we'll have decided who the winner is of this extraordinary box of prizes.
I tell you a lot to shift through.
One other thing that people could possibly suggest for us, which might entitle them to some prizes,
are some lyrics that can be read out in the style of a grumpy old man or woman as complaints, you know what I mean?
For example, sign of the times I was listening to the other day and it occurred to me that it just sounds like the words of a very grumpy old man.
Uh, this is by Prince, I'm talking about.
In France, a skinny man died of a big disease with a little name.
By chance, his girlfriend came across a needle, and so she did the same.
At home, the 17-year-old boys, their idea of fun is being in a gang called The Disciples, high on crack, and toting a machine gun.
Right, Hurricane Annie ripped the ceiling off her church, killed everyone inside.
Turned on the telly, every other story's telling you somebody died.
Sisser killed a baby because she couldn't afford to feed it, and yet was sending people to the moon.
In September, my cousin tried reefer for the very first time.
Now he's doing horse!
It's June!
Get the idea?
That is, it's just a moan, isn't it?
Yeah, it's a total moaning prince.
It's the moan of an old man.
If you've got any similar lyrical moans that you could suggest, then do send them to us, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
Is that correct?
I believe so.
There you go, we'll be back after this.
It's hard to resist saying something about that every time you hear it, isn't it?
You know, I was reading texts.
I wasn't paying attention.
That makes a change.
That was Athlete with Wires.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
So what have you been reading then, Joe?
Well, the grumpy song lyrics seems to be taking off.
We've got a lot of suggestions for songs that, even though they sound very rocky, when read out in the voice of an old man would just sound like an old moaning man.
I Can't Get No Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones would be a good one.
I can't stand losing you by the police, but I'm thinking maybe we should save these up and do one a week.
Yeah.
So I'll save them up.
Well, you've got a good Marvin Gaye one, don't you?
Well, Mercy, Mercy Me by Marvin Gaye, I once did for a Radio 1 pilot that we did.
Yeah, good times.
Good times.
Good times as two old ladies at a bus stop.
And it fitted very well.
But we should probably close our massive box of stuff competition.
We've been asking you to suggest a name for a new VIZ comic strip.
Not that VIZ are going to listen or do anything with it.
And well, we think the best one we've had so far is Pete and his dragon, which we just turned to Pete's dragon, Pete Docherty stumbling around looking for some smack.
And I've been trying to write some others down, but it's stuff like, I think the best one we've got is Robin Hood and his avid Marian.
Oh, it's my phone now.
Is that any good?
Now that's not good, that's not good.
That's better, you see.
That's better.
And I won't even read out the last one.
So I think it's going to go to Pete Doherty, Pete's Dragon.
For the sheer realization, the completeness of the concept, it's got to go to Pete's Dragon.
Even though, you know, in our way we're supporting him and the glamorization of his smack habit.
Here's one you'll like.
Crispin Delacroix.
He's a hunt saboteur.
Who is Crispin Delacroix?
I don't know.
That was sent by Toby.
I like that because it doesn't even rhyme.
It doesn't rhyme, plus it sounds a very unlikely name for a hunt saboteur.
Yeah.
He won't be getting the prize.
Do we know the name of the person who suggested Pete's Dragon?
Er, no.
I think it's something like... Damien Hurst.
David?
Damien Hurst.
Shane.
Shane and Hurst.
Congratulations, Shane.
You're going to get that big box of goodies.
Big box of fun.
And very soon it's going to be time for Dizzy's in the Dock.
This week, the choice we have is heartwarming songs.
Joe and I will be battling it out for who gets to play a really heartwarming song at the end of the show today in about half an hour.
Are you confident, Joe, have you got a good one this week?
Well, I don't know what you've chosen, and we may well have chosen the same thing.
It's possible.
Yeah, we'll have to consult during this next record.
Do you want to hear a heartwarming story before we play another song?
Yeah, please.
I was having some Chinese food the other night and I ordered a crispy duck and I asked for plum sauce instead of the hoisin sauce but when it arrived it wasn't the sauce I wanted I was hoping for the gloopy sweet dark sauce which you'll know if you regularly have Chinese food but I got this kind of more see-through yellowish sauce with little bits in it
And it didn't go with the duck at all.
It was appalling.
It was a total disaster.
I was even considering putting ketchup on.
And I was so depressed, because I'd been looking forward to the Chinese takeaway for so long.
And I was sitting down.
I was going to watch the Manchurian Candidate on DVD.
And everything was ready for a good time.
And it was a disaster, because of the yellowy sauce.
So I phoned them to let them know they'd given me the wrong stuff, right?
Because it wasn't the stuff I was expecting.
But the man explained that I'd got them confused.
Joe right it wasn't hoisin it was the hoisin that I wanted and I got duck sauce which is what I asked for I got them confused so I was really depressed about it and I said a crawled back to my meal and just thought well I've been a fool and suddenly I heard a ring on the door and it was the guy from the takeaway and he brought me round some hoisin sauce in a little pot he's come all the way back
He'd come all the way back just for me because I got the wrong sauce and he said, I wanted you to enjoy your meal and I didn't want you to have the wrong sauce.
Did you say, well the meal's gone cold now so you needn't have bothered and punched him?
Yeah I did, yeah.
I said you can take this back as well you slag, it's inedible.
I didn't say any of that.
I was overwhelmed.
I didn't know what to say because it's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
I couldn't believe it.
People don't do things like that anymore.
He was like one of the wise men from the Nativity, but instead of a pot of my he had a little pot of soy sauce.
Hoisin.
Hoisin sauce.
Yeah, there you go.
That's lovely.
A little heartwarming story for you.
Here's the bravery.
Ian Brown, this is my everything.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
It's time for Ditties in the Dock.
Do I need to explain it again, do you think?
Maybe not.
No.
OK.
Well, this week's theme is heartwarming classics.
Who won last week?
Me.
You.
I think I won for the past four weeks.
No, I won the week before that, did you?
Yeah.
Well, I still think I won for the last four weeks running, but I'm deluded.
Yeah.
OK, this week's theme is heartwarming songs, because it's the festive season, sort of beginning officially today, in my mind anyway.
Yeah, it's to go with my heartwarming story about plum sauce from the Chinese.
That was Mekong, Vietnamese and Chinese cuisine, incidentally.
Three lands down way.
I recommend it.
Fantastic.
So, I shall go first.
My heartwarming classic is by David Bowie, and it's Kooks.
I think it was a song he wrote for the birth of his first child, wasn't it, Joey?
It's all about...
You know, his marriage and the child and the lyrics go, will you stay in our lover's story?
If you stay, you won't be sorry.
I think it's one of the sweetest, nicest, warmest songs ever written.
It's been a favorite of mine for years and years and years.
And I know yours too, Adam.
Yeah, I love that song.
Fantastic.
Kooks by Bowie.
If you want to hear Kooks by Bowie playing out the show, 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9.
Or you might prefer to hear this.
Talking Heads.
Can't go wrong with Talking Heads, and a lot of their stuff was very angular, but a weird little blip on the Talking Heads radar was this track which comes from their album, Speaking in Tongues, and it's called Naive Melody.
This must be the place.
Or this must be the place Naive Melody, I can remember.
I don't remember which way round.
But the lyrics are all sort of heartwarming phrases.
David Byrne's mission writing this song was just to collect together a whole bunch of words and phrases that were comforting and friendly.
And it's a really lovely song.
It's fantastic, isn't it?
Had a very good video as well with them all.
Home is where I want to be, but I guess I'm already there is the first line, isn't it?
Yeah.
Singing to my mouth.
So vote for Bowie with Kooks or The Talking Heads with Naive Melody.
Everybody who gets on air wins a copy of an Elvis Christmas compilation full of Elvis Christmas songs.
It's called Elvis Christmas Piece.
It's all golden and snowy and lovely.
So everyone who gets on air wins one of those.
It's 0871221 049.
Vote for Bowie or The Talking Heads.
We'll be back very shortly.
Oh, Nick knocks, I pressed the wrong button again.
It's okay, everything's under control.
That was the Future Heads.
It's Dizzy's in the Dock, your chance to select which song we play the show out with.
This week it's a heartwarming fight between Bowie and Byrne, the Talking Heads and David Bowie.
Bowie's kooks versus naive melody by the Talking Heads.
It's the best of five.
We've got five callers on the line.
Let's start with Sid.
Hello, Sid.
Speak to us, Sid.
Are you there?
This is so embarrassing.
This could be on Channel 5's most embarrassing radio moments ever hosted by the guy from Top Gear.
Let's speak to Colin.
Colin, are you there?
Hi, how you doing?
Very well, Colin.
How are you doing?
Very well.
Very well, thank you.
Which heartwarming classic are you voting for?
I'm going to vote for Snoop by David Bowie.
Good call.
Very good.
Well done.
That's all there is to say.
Thanks very much, Colin.
Thanks, Colin.
Stuart?
Is Stuart there?
Hello, Stuart.
It's a problem with line one.
I think it's a problem with line one rather than Stuart.
Is it?
Yes.
I think Stuart's okay.
Line one's gone down.
Can we not get any other callers on the lines?
Hello?
We've had a massive technical breakdown.
Who's that?
Hello, that's Sid.
Hey Sid, how are you doing?
I'm fine, thanks.
What happened to you the first time we said your name?
I couldn't get... I think it was just a line.
Oh, it was a line, you see.
I said it was a line.
There's massive technical problems.
It was lost in cyberspace.
Uh, Sid, who are you voting for?
This might have to be the deciding vote, if we can actually only technically get two calls through.
It might have to be the best of two.
I think I'm the vote for Bowie.
Ooh, it's 2-1 for Bowie.
Do we have one more call, Lila?
Lila and Sid.
Sid, you sausage.
Lila's sitting there with a solder and a home electronics kit, trying to get his phone through.
Talking heads?
Bowie's great, there's no question about that, but talking heads?
2-0 for Bowie.
Come on.
It's 2-0 for Bowie.
This could be the deciding call.
Who've we got?
Stuart.
Stuart, are you there?
Yeah, I'm here.
Oh, Stuart, nice to hear you.
Yeah, nice to hear you as well.
It's Coox, David Bowie.
Oh, it's 3-0, that's it.
We don't need two more calls.
Well done, Stuart.
Well done, Colin.
Well done, Sid.
What an intelligent...
Listeners we have.
It's a walk over.
It's a walk over for Bowie.
Thanks for listening.
We've been Adam and Joe.
We're back with you on Christmas Day.
With his finger firmly on the pulse of the musical nation's musical pulse.
I'm talking rubbish.
I've talked rubbish the entire two hours this week.
I couldn't just, I couldn't string a sentence together.
Look, it's still going on.
I've enjoyed it.
I think it's been high quality.
I didn't say I didn't enjoy it.
Thanks for listening.
Congratulations to what was, what was he called?
Her called?
She called?
Sean, Shane?
Hercules.
Who won the big box?
Shane Duggan.
Shane Duggan apparently has won a lot of prizes in the past, maybe a professional prize winner, which has made me and Adam feel not angry with her, but maybe we could have given the box away to a more needy person.
She came up with the best thing, that's all there is to it.
She did come up with the best thing, but we're told her house is literally floor to ceiling with prizes run on media competitions.
You are rumbled, but you're still getting a huge box of stuff to add to your evil collection.
I'd like to say thank you to our producer, Lila.
Thank you, Lila.
We never thank her, do we?
And we should, because she does an amazing job.
She's very attractive, very sympathetic and supportive, and we really appreciate everything she does for us here on our XFM show.
And who's coming up next?
Is it Justin E. Collins?
Justin Lee Collins.
JUSTIN LEE COLLINS!
The Bigfoot of Leicester Square.
Good times, good times.
We'll be back with you on Christmas Day!
If you're at a loose end, then join us from one till three next Saturday.
Can I just say to my mum and dad, if they're listening, please don't listen to it on Christmas Day.
Don't listen, because I said some quite disparaging things.
Joe, giving away a certain element.
If you're my parents, don't listen to the show on Christmas Day.
Why?
It hasn't happened yet.
That's true.
I'm planning to say some disparaging things.
Thanks for listening.
We'll see you in the new year, I guess.
I don't think we're here on New Year's Day, but next year we'll be back with exactly the same show.
Well, we'll see you on Christmas Day.
See you then.
Bye.