My name's Adam Buxton, my name's Joe Cornish, and we're with you for the next one hour, 53 minutes here on XFM.
Shall I play my little opening jingle to please?
Yes, please.
That sounds interesting, let's talk about it.
I always enjoy our little chats.
I never know what you'll say Did you see that program with that German man?
He was cutting up a real corpse I'm not sure about that new TV show Have you seen that film with swearing puppets?
No I haven't but I hear it's great
I'm not sure about that new TV show That sounds interesting, let's talk about it Let's start talking now
Has that been refreshed since last week with new topical subjects?
Oh yeah.
Every week it gets refreshed.
Does it?
Seriously, genuinely?
Yeah.
Really?
The German man.
I did see, let's talk about that, I did see about two seconds of it.
I think I saw a bit of his body having, sort of being inflated, a giblet being inflated.
I switched over.
Did you?
It was on every night, wasn't it, this week, I think.
He did a different part of the anatomy, I believe.
Unless someone was winding me up, they said, did you see the one with the winkies?
He pretty much dissected somebody's winky parts.
and I didn't see that one.
I kind of am glad that I didn't see it.
I saw the basic one, I think maybe the first one where they just did some guy's torso and sort of pumped fake blood into it so you could see it spreading around the arteries and everything.
It was sort of interesting but very
I mean, it was pretty amazingly gross, especially as there was just this little white towel covering the face of the corpse.
It was obviously a relatively fresh corpse.
And not keen on being identified, I would imagine, for fear of upsetting his relatives.
You know?
And then they had the nude, er, they had a nude model lady who was alive.
Right.
And, erm... They were dissecting her while she was alive?
No, she wasn't being dissected.
They were projecting onto her with a video projector.
Could they just, could they just dissect her conversationally?
They could have done, but no, they just drew on her.
Instead, she was standing there in the nude, which added an extra dimension to the programme, nude ladies, always interesting, on television, and they were drawing on her totties.
Is this Channel 4?
Channel 4, yeah.
Home of filth and sickness.
And all in the name of education, obviously.
I don't think I learned anything.
Not a single thing.
Except, yeah, nothing, nothing.
Not a single thing.
Great.
Well, thanks for sharing that with us.
I just want to say as well that, you know, we always get pretty much a lot of things wrong in this show week to week.
Well last week, was last week our big boo-boo week?
Yeah, we'd made a few boo-boos.
And my boo-boo last week, amongst many I would imagine, was saying that James Cameron, no, Cameron Crowe invented the acronym DUMBO.
Right.
Apparently that's a legitimate acronym and it means
district underneath the Manhattan Bridge overpass.
I wouldn't worry about that.
Has someone attacked you about that?
They didn't attack me.
It was just a friendly tweak.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, they're just a bit pedantic.
No, that's fair enough.
Who was it?
Uh, it's Dougie.
Really?
Dougie Fresh.
Dougie Fresh, yes.
Really?
Dougie.
Well, you know, Dougie...
I think it's right that people pick you up on things, don't they?
Your buddies?
Yes, sometimes.
So listen, you know last week you- you've got your new jingles?
Yeah, I've got new jingles.
And you know how I promised that I'd have some jingles this week?
Have you got jingles?
I've got some jingles.
Oh, wow.
It's jingle wars.
I've got two jingles.
They've been loaded into the system.
One of them is, you know sometimes you and I talk about a subject that- and I feel I can't talk about it because, um, I- I just think it's a very sort of quite boring topic that everyone else has talked about, like, say, Big Brother or I'm a Celebrity.
Are you saying, do I know when you decide not to be at all supportive of anything I'm talking about?
Yeah.
You know then?
Yes.
Well, I've got a jingle for that.
Fantastic.
Yeah.
Does it go, I'm not going to be supportive at all about the thing you're going to talk about?
No, it doesn't.
No.
How does it go then?
Well, you know, well, have a listen to it.
Can we listen to it now?
Have a listen to it.
It's called The Big Story.
OK.
It's the big news story, talking about is mandatory.
Every single pundit has already done it.
The subject's totally dead It's a tired old cliché But we're gonna talk about it anyway OK?
You get the idea?
I think I get where you're coming from.
So what's this week's big news story?
I don't know, there really isn't one.
Julian Clary being threatened with kidnap?
I don't know about that.
It's on the cover of The Sun.
Anyway, we'll play that later when the big news story, cos it will crop up.
Well, there's gotta be... Yeah, there's...
I imagine there's something everyone wants.
And I've got another new jingle as well for Crap Commentary Corner, but maybe we'll save that until Crap Commentary Corner, unless you want to listen to it now.
Well, no, we've got Crap Commentary Corner coming up in about 20 minutes or so, so let's play it then.
And of course we'll be chatting about all kinds of other things.
This week's face-off, ditties-in-the-dot-wise, is Michael Jackson.
I've got to stop you right there because apparently we've been issued an email by the powers that be at XFM that give us strict limitations on what we can say about Michael Jackson.
Obviously the trial kicks off next week.
Everyone in the media has to be very sensitive because it's a very attractive area when it comes to making quips.
There's a lot of potential there for quips.
I mean he's a funny looking fella and all that.
Some of his behaviour is a bit suspicious but we have to be very careful what we say.
He's got forks instead of fingers.
Hey, so I think we should go to a record and read this email.
His best friend's a monkey called Bubbles.
Oi, oi, come on, allegedly.
He sleeps in an oxygen tank.
Easy, careful, be careful.
He's from the moon.
Yeah, that's, uh, LCD Sound System with Daft Punk is playing at my house.
That's, uh, gonna be out fairly soon, I think.
It's the single taken from the New York outfits, self-titled debut album, which is out in the shops now.
There you go.
Just doing a bit of talking.
You all right there, Joe?
Very well, thank you very much.
You depressed because we didn't score on the radials?
Not at all.
We've been inspecting XFM's radial results and Lauren Laverne, Christian O'Connell and Jimmy Carr have all been specially selected for praise by the head of XFM.
No mention of us.
Wow, we're rubbish.
And no one listens to us.
But exciting new television this week, Joe.
Lots of good shows coming out now that the year is sort of in full swing now.
We're coming to the end of January, which is always a bit of a relief.
Don't you find?
It's like you've made it.
You can start the year properly now.
The whole business of Christmas has been shaken off.
And this is the year.
like it or lump it.
So to look forward to, first of all tonight, is another chance to see 2004 The Stupid Version, which was on BBC3 on New Year's Eve, but this is a kind of condensed version, and it's a sort of humorous satirical review of some of the bits of TV from...
but done in a kind of insane way.
It's put together by Armando Iannucci.
I contributed a couple of very small bits to it.
One's quite good, one's quite bad.
I don't know if they will have made it into the edited version, but the whole show is very funny and I recommend you check it out.
It's on tonight on BBC Two, 10.20.
Also on Monday, we've got a new series of Look Around You.
Yeah, that's very exciting.
Very excited about that.
I went to the screening of the show.
of the first episode last Thursday.
And it was a really, really good, let me tell you, it's all about music, the first show.
And Kevin Eldon is in it, familiar to you from Big Train and shows like that, I would imagine.
But he is amazing.
He does this sort of insane song.
Have you seen it?
So say that again.
I wasn't listening.
What were you doing?
I was reading a text from somebody.
Stop reading the text.
It's quite a good text.
Go on.
What does the text say?
It's from a man that provided the projection equipment for the autopsy show.
Oh yeah.
So he was there in the studio and he says he had to stand in for the naked lady whose body they're drawn.
I was thinking maybe we should get him to call in.
Yeah, give us a call.
Um, here's the number to call.
I've got a new jingle for the number.
O-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Quite bad, isn't it?
It's basic, it's rubbish.
O-8-7, I'm not even gonna play it again, it's so rubbish.
08712221049.
Why don't you give us a call?
So yeah, look around you, that's on Monday at 10pm on BBC2.
Very funny, check it out.
Nathan Barley, that's got to be coming up fairly soon, although I'm not sure when.
Do you know?
I think in a couple of weeks because it's being trailered, isn't it?
There's very weird abstract trails on Channel 4 with just people's faces and random names.
They're sort of like blipverts.
Little blipverts, yeah, they're blowing your mind.
But the blipverts are getting longer now, so I'm thinking that it can't be too far away.
They've actually got scenes from the show in them now.
Right, and of course, for uninformed listeners, Nathan Barley is Chris Morris's new sitcom, set in a sort of fictionalised version of Hoxton.
And yeah, it's very secretive.
No one's seen it.
He's kept it under wraps.
No reviews, previews or anything like that.
But it's got Julian Barrett and Noel Fielding in it.
Rhys Thomas and the guy from, a lot of the guys from Garth Marenghi, who also pop up in 2004, the stupid version tonight.
So another little plug for that.
Right.
Now we've got an 80s classic for you.
And this is from XTC.
Senses working overtime.
It's so quiet this beginning bit, isn't it?
Yeah, you've talked over it.
I know, I've crashed a vocal.
Sorry.
You could win a DVD or tickets to a show You just never know So sharpen up your brain and get ready to play!
Oh, dear.
It might become a little bit jingle-heavy, our show.
No, you can never be- Can you have too many jingles?
No, I don't think so.
I looked it up on the- Lila, Lila, Lila, Lila, the producer is saying, yo, you can have too many jingles.
It's a classic pitfall for amateur radio broadcasters.
Lila's about 18.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
She's a very experienced radio producer and highly sought after, not only by XFM but by many other radio stations.
But she doesn't know what she's talking about.
OK, well, we do have another jingle coming up, so we'll see whether it gets too jingle-heavy.
We're about to play Ditties In The Dock, and the prize this week, listeners, is extraordinary.
Crap commentaries.
Oh, crap commentary.
I'm terribly sorry.
The prize is extraordinary.
It is an exclusive screening of M. Night Shawadiwadi's film The Village.
The village.
I mean, it's not a new film, but it's just come out on DVD.
But tell them where the screening is happening.
The screening is happening at the London dungeon.
Spooky!
So, basically, when is it?
It's on Monday the 31st, and you turn up at 7.30, you and what, is it something like nine friends?
Yeah, so you, our prospective winner, can take nine friends to the London Dungeon for 7.30pm, you're plied with champagne and canapés, then at 8pm you get a tour of the London Dungeon, including a Judgement Day activity.
What's that?
Er, it's, erm... They've gone through all your drawers and found out secrets.
A Judgement Day activity?
Er, and then the London Dungeon boat ride.
What the hell is a Judgement Day activity?
Who knows?
That sounds a bit frightening.
Maybe it's something like... Maybe someone gets decapitated.
Well, yeah.
Maybe one of your friends is killed in front of you.
That would be amazing.
No, Lyla says that's not what happens.
At 8.45 the film starts with beer, wine, soft drinks and bowl food served throughout.
Does it say bowl food?
What's that going to mean?
Like maggots and leaves in a bowl?
Anything in a bowl.
I'm sure it'll be very tasty.
At 10.45 the film ends and you go, what?
It was all along.
What?
Quite good actually, the village.
Yeah, it was quite good, the village.
So 1045, the film ends.
Competition winners are then free to tour the London dungeon at their own leisure.
And presumably it's closed off to the public at this point, is it?
Because it's the most popular tourist attraction in London, if not the first, then the second.
I was going to go into it last week actually, but the queue was stretching round the corner into the station.
Impossible to get into.
Wow.
And you can have it all to yourself, plus all the actors all done in blood.
stuff.
And then at 11.30pm, the evening ends.
What a night!
That is- that's the night of your life.
Guaranteed to scare your nipples right off.
Well let's see if you can win that amazing prize by identifying- Hang on a second.
What?
Can we say the word vagina on radio?
Well you did now.
Stop!
Is that alright?
Well as long as it's anatomically related and not just- Yeah, yeah.
Okay, because that is featured in one of the clips for Crap Commentary competition.
Is that bad?
It's- it's a medical word.
yeah well let's let's not make it into anything other than a medical word by dwelling on it in too weird a way those things i've got three clips one of them has that word in it okay well you've prepared people now i think okay so let's let's have the jingle first for crap commentary corner
Now we just sort of talk over it.
It sort of fades out.
Oh, OK.
It's a perky little number.
That is very perky.
You see, what would have been nice... That was brilliant, by the way.
It was, yes.
But what would have been nice if you could have just left that music bubbling under as a bed?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I just thought it might clash with the commentary itself, but it does go on for a little while.
And it has a clean ending.
It does.
No, I'm not quibbling with the jingle itself.
I'm just saying, you know, it would have been even more amazing if we could have carried on talking over it.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
OK, the telephone number 0-8-7-1-222-1049 to win that amazing special screening for you and nine friends of The Village at the London Dungeon, a free tour of the London Dungeon, all its various terrifying exhibits for your exclusive
Oh, how do I end this sentence?
You know, perusal.
Er, so it's an amazing prize.
Listen very carefully to this clip.
Er, you have to tell us what the movie is and what, what star is commentating over it.
There's various people in this commentary.
But hang on a second because I don't know where these clips are.
Oh, well they're just in here on a CD.
OK, here we are.
Sorry, failed to give them to, er, to Adam there.
We'll stick them in.
08712221049.
There's going to be a lot of demand for this prize because it's one of the biggest, most exciting prizes in the history
You're rea- Keep filling, man!
Keep filling!
I'm doing well, aren't I?
You're doing really well.
Now you're doing badly.
I like fish fingers.
Okay, here we go.
What?
What's going on?
That's not the right... That's another jingle.
What track is it?
It is track five.
See?
This is why we don't show up in the rage hours.
Here we go.
Scat off.
Go, Will.
Big guns.
Do the same thing like this.
No, it sounded more like... I think mine's better.
Do it again, Will.
I think blue won.
You know what, you're not actually that goodwill.
No, I never said I was good.
You say boop a lot.
I know.
I like to see other things besides boop.
Oh, I think I might know what that is.
Yeah, that was a scat-off, a scat-singing competition between the star of the film and a random famous man they got in as a joke.
Hey, that's good.
I think I know what that might be.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9, second clip, maybe, which is track six.
OK, here we go.
Listen out.
Hello?
How are you doing?
What's up?
I'm good.
I'm just a little surprised you're doing the commentary without me there.
You know, can we be honest?
From the commentaries I've heard, it just seems a little bit like a man's world.
Like, the deeper voice resonates better against the movie.
Right.
It's more a technical issue.
Bullcrap.
I know exactly what it is.
Oh, look, Christina.
Oh, they made her cry by freezing her out of the commentary.
Yeah, I don't think they really did.
Really?
I think that was a little joke.
There's one more clip.
This is the controversial one.
Track seven.
OK, so if you're offended by anatomical references, please put your fingers in your ears now.
I mean, you've picked this up as the unrated version.
Hopefully you knew what you were in for.
Yeah, hopefully you are not shocked.
Uh, if you are, I'm gonna shock you even more by saying, uh, unshaven whale's vagina.
How's that?
How's that fit?
Which was used in the movie you'll find later.
Now, I think we even referred to this commentary last week or the week before.
Did we?
Yeah, possibly.
Cos I watched it a couple of weeks ago.
It's pretty funny.
It's not.
It's still a bit meandering and I can't believe you actually sat through the whole thing.
Oh, 871-222-1049.
If you know what film that was from and the star of the film who was talking in that commentary, you could win that amazing private evening at the London Dungeon with a sneak preview, what, of the DVD of The Village.
Can you have a sneak preview of a DVD?
I don't know.
Anyway, we'll be back, er, with the answer to Crap Commentary Corner this week after this one from Spoon.
That's called Advanced Cassette and that's by a fantastic band called Spoon.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We are now going to take a call after we've reminded you of our competition this week.
It's Crap Commentary Corner and the competition is to identify who is speaking in this clip and what movie they are speaking about.
So here's a reminder.
Oh, I keep doing that wrong stuff.
What's wrong with your fingers today?
Well, it's just all the things and there's a lot on my CD today, you know?
Listeners, bear with us.
Here we go.
Hello?
How are you doing?
What's up?
I'm good.
I'm just a little surprised you're doing the commentary without me there.
You know, can we be honest?
From the commentaries I've heard, it just seems a little bit like a man's world.
Like, the deeper voice resonates better against the movie.
Right.
It's more a technical issue.
Bullcrap.
I know exactly what it is.
Look, Christina.
Oh, they made her cry.
So we've got Ed on Line 1.
Hello, Ed.
Hello.
How you doing?
I'm OK.
How you guys doing?
Very well.
What's your guess, then, for this week's crap commentary competition?
I think the movie is Anchorman and the star of that is Will Ferrell.
Ooh, let's find out if you're right.
I've got it right.
Using a jingle, I told you that you were correct.
Brilliant.
How do you feel, Ed?
How do you feel?
I'm moved by the jingle.
Moved by the jingle.
And do you feel excited?
I mean, you realize what you've won.
Do you realize what you've won?
I feel, yes.
I'm going to be scared out of my brain.
Do you have nine friends?
I think so.
Yeah.
And was this the kind of thing they'd enjoy?
Are your friends a bit mature and sarky and cynical?
Are you going to laugh at the exhibits in the Mandarin Dungeon?
I haven't seen this one yet.
I've seen a few of his other films, but it has a nice twist ending.
So yeah, I'm sure we'll love it.
How old are you, Ed, if you don't mind me asking?
I'm 24.
24.
So you probably know girls and stuff like that.
I might, yeah.
You could get girls, man, and you could go along and you could kiss some of them, and it could be like a kind of party.
It could be.
I'm jealous.
Ed, have you been to the London dungeon before?
Not for a long time.
I think I was about 13 years old.
Oh man, you're going to love it.
And you know you get to ride on their boat?
Is there like a little underground flume or something?
Something like that.
But basically part of your prize is the judgment day activity.
We were asking before you came on the line exactly what that was.
We've had a text from someone called Andrea.
She says, I have done the judgment day activity.
They accuse you of stuff.
Then you go on the boat ride and they shoot you in the head.
So I don't know whether that's a good idea.
All that to look forward to, Ed.
Thank you very much indeed for phoning in and congratulations on getting that absolutely right.
Have a good time at the London Dungeon and, you know, give us a call.
Let us know how it went.
Let us know what your judgment day activity was.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
You see, you can take the Lord's name in vain, but you can't talk about Wacko Jacko, can you?
No, can't talk about Wacko Jacko.
That was for Robin.
Good choice, Robin.
Yeah.
Adam and Joe here on XFM.
And I see that, actually, we were talking about Look Around You, the new series of Look Around You, which is no longer a little ten-minute show.
It's now half an hour show and it's more directly a kind of piss take of Tomorrow's World and spoofing that kind of weird clunky type of show that you used to get in the early 80s.
And I see that Peter Serafinowicz and Robert Popper are on Jimmy Carr and Ian Morris' show tomorrow on XFM.
You can catch that from 10am.
You know, another great series starting next week is Boot Camp.
series two of Boot Camp.
That's right.
You were obsessed by that before, weren't you?
Were you not obsessed by it?
I liked it.
I got into it, yeah.
I thought it was fantastic.
That starts on Tuesday, so it's a great week for telly.
And of course, speaking of Jimmy Carr, there's Channel 4's big new entertainment show on Friday night, which is called The Friday Night Project.
You've probably seen some of the trails.
Does that start this Friday?
It starts next Friday coming up, yeah, and it says in...
The Guardian Guide.
Could this be another stab at creating a wacky TFI zoo TV show?
Uh, yes is the answer.
Jimmy Carr, Rob Rouse, who's a very funny comedian, Sharon Horgan, who I don't know much about, and Lucy Montgomery, who I also am ignorant of, are joined by guest host, Vinnie Jones.
Going to the Dogs, Abby Titmus, with a mystery sex tape challenge, and Charlie from Busted, showing everyone how totally indie he really is with his new band, Fightstar.
Crikey, they're really throwing everything they can at that one.
Why are they starting with Vinny?
Well, Vinny's brilliant.
Didn't you see him on the Marian and Geoff chat show, whatever it's called, the Keith Barrett show last night?
No, you know, I seldom catch that show.
Was it here?
Oh, no.
So you were being ironic when you said that Vinny was brilliant.
Yeah, of course I was.
Oh.
He's awful.
He's dreadful.
But anyway, the Friday Night Project should be, er, interesting, and Jimmy Carr's always good, and Rob Rouse is a very funny comedian, so there's lots of good things to be said for that, and I'll certainly be checking it out.
Question for you, Adam Buxton, and listeners.
What is the worst non-human family in an advert?
That sounds interesting, let's talk about it Let's start talking now
OK?
I'd like to offer you some choices.
The fabric softener family who are made from stitched up clothes.
Good, good reference.
I believe it's comfort.
Yeah.
And they sort of hang each other on the line and snog and do things that families do, but they look as if they're made from sort of fluorescent patches of old flesh.
Yes.
But actually they're stitched together from bits of material.
And they're stitched in such a way that their faces just look really pathetic and slappable.
Yeah, and they're not even stitched.
I think they're computer generated.
So you don't even have the feel that someone's actually knitted them together lovingly.
Oh, I thought they were stop motion.
I don't know.
They make me feel ill.
I agree with you.
OK, family number two, the PG Tips plasticine birds.
who replaced the monkeys or whatever they had before.
They're aardman, yeah.
A family of birds.
I don't mind the PG Tips family.
What about, and this I think, is the worst advert so-called family, and all these adverts are basically trying to do a riff on The Simpsons really, create a lovable, non-human family.
The Dolmio Italian puppet family.
Well, we've talked about the Dolmio family before.
When they are a Dolmio, they are.
They are horrible.
they're terrible they're frightening because oh yeah they're absolutely awful because they're not only are they quite annoyingly badly animated they are just this grotesque caricature of italian people and um yes i want to roll them into a big ball and throw them in the bin
Yeah.
And the other really bad advert family on telly, the BBC had going for a while to advertise their freeview boxes.
They were a family of people with potato heads.
Do you remember them at all?
Lila remembers those.
That's my top four most annoying non-human families in adverts.
That's very, very good top four.
Maybe your listeners would like to send in their own top four in a similar vein.
You can email us at adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
That's Adam.
A-N-D rather than an ampersand.
And, uh, I think I got them all.
Are there any others?
I don't know.
I can't think.
I'm no good at just thinking.
OK.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
Here is Fedar.
That's the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Sounding a little bit boast.
And dosed.
I'm tired there, don't you think?
With the Chili Peppers?
Yeah.
They were just relaxing on a lovely day.
Is it one of those, you know, sometimes bands release sort of sleeper singles just to fill in between their next big corker.
No, that was from their big album, By The Way.
There you go.
Yeah.
The Californian Quartet's eighth album.
Eight albums.
of music by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Why are you looking worried about that, Joe?
JOE I know, I was just going to say we've been discussing inanimate advert families.
We've got a top five worst inanimate advert families.
Now, a lot of people have texted and emailed suggesting the post office ants.
I've got nothing against the post office ants.
You see, I quite like the post office ants as well, especially when they have a chase in their remote control cars, because I think it's a very well directed chase with little remote control cars.
It occurred to me when I was watching one of those ads the other day that I love ants in any form.
Really?
I love ants, and especially when they're animated, I love the film Antz, for example.
I rate the film Antz over the film Bug's Life.
And I've had quite a few arguments with people about that.
Another suggestion is the charming bears, the bears what wipe their bums on telly.
Don't mind the charming bears?
I don't like to see animals use toilet paper.
I just think it's wrong.
Well, the weird thing about the charming bears is that that whole conceit is based on the, uh, you know, the phrase, you know, a bear- Poos in the woods.
Poos in the woods, yeah.
So it's based on kind of an expletive heavy phrase.
Well, it's got one expletive in it.
Yeah.
And out of that you've got this cute bear family going out and doing bear tods.
I just think it's wrong for a bear to sort of use the loo in any sort of way.
Why?
He doesn't want to get like fur clogged up with dingleberries and stuff.
He must use his tongue.
His tongue?
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
That's what animals do.
How long do you think his tongue is?
Well, it doesn't, you know, you can bend over.
We should move on.
Yeah, OK.
So there we go.
So, Adam, you were asking me about Sideways.
Yeah, yeah.
Big new movie.
New movie?
Yeah, big new movie.
Big new movie.
Scooping all the awards in America, Sideways is about two middle-aged blokes that go off on a sort of saucy weekend, the weekend before one of them's getting married, and they're wine lovers, and they drink a lot of wine, and they have sort of dalliances with ladies.
And it's basically very influenced by Withnail and I.
It's made by the guy that did Election and About Schmidt, Alexander Payne, and he's a big fan of With Nail and I, and it's based on a novel, and the guy that wrote the novel was a big fan of With Nail and I, so it's a weird sort of American middle-aged take on With Nail and I. Thank you.
So I went seaside-ways, and the one thing I found a little bit, you know, tricky about it was this business of the wine metaphor going through the whole film.
Because they've obviously used wine as a metaphor for life.
So for instance, there's a scene where the grumpy one, what's the actor called?
Paul Giacometti.
Giacometti.
He was in American Splendor.
There you go, yeah.
He's sort of Hollywood's trendy, grumpy, he's sort of the Steve Buscemi of the new millennium.
Yeah, I know the guy you mean.
So his character is kind of a vulnerable, sensitive, needy, grumpy, insular guy that needs special care and is secretly brilliant.
And he sits down and chats up this woman and she says to him, why do you like pinot so much?
Pinot wine, obviously.
And he goes, well,
It's a difficult grape.
It's vulnerable, sensitive.
It only grows in the most particular of places.
It needs special care, considered nurturing.
But when it finds a place it can flourish, someone who understands its peculiarities, it's capable of producing the most wonderfully profound, most exquisite, most ancient flavours in the world.
Like him!
At which point, yeah, she should go, what, you mean like you?
The wine's very similar to you, isn't it?
Isn't it?
Yeah.
But she doesn't.
She just goes, oh, that's beautiful.
Well, isn't it being said for comic effect, though, all that, to make it so specific?
Oh, wait a second.
Er, she doesn't say that, so instead he says to her, so, so what got you into wine?
And she said, I think it was when, er, I realised that wine evolves, depending on the weather, where it grows, the amount of care it gets.
Every bottle is alive, every day it tastes different, as it slowly and controvertibly matures into something rich and wonderful, then slowly fades.
at which point he should say, wine's like people, isn't it?
Wine's very similar to people, like you and me, we're like wine!
Yeah, and you're gonna get very excited when I pull my cork out.
Yeah, but they don't at any point.
He could have said.
Say that.
Well, but it's still a good film, though, right?
It's a great film, Sideways.
I do recommend it.
And you're sure they're not just playing all those moments for ludicrous facts?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, OK.
You know, we need a jingle for when we talk about movies, Joe.
We do.
I don't know.
I think we might be... No, no, no, you can't get too jingle-heavy.
I don't know.
Lots of jingles.
I don't know.
Let me just have a meeting after the show about the jingles.
Jingle.
Uh, listeners, more jingles?
Maybe?
Less jingles?
What do you think about our current jingle status?
Don't ask the listeners.
They'll just email us that we should kill ourselves or something.
Right now, I've got a track for you.
This is a free play and it's Weezer and it's from their first album and it's a song I love called Holiday.
Oh, I love it, Joe.
I love it because it reminds me of Holidays because of the name of the song and I thought it might be nice to play today because it's a really filthy January day.
End of the world.
Hope this cheers you up a bit.
Here's Weezer.
There we go.
That was the Hounds of Love by the Future Heads.
That's fantastic.
That's the cover of the Kate Bush classic, of course.
And I believe the Future Heads are playing at the NME Awards.
No, no, no.
They're playing the NME Awards tour alongside the Killers, the Kaiser Chiefs block party in February.
And that's culminating with a show at the Brixton Academy on Wednesday, February the 9th.
That'll be really good.
I wonder if they're going to be at the NME...
Er, Brat Awards.
You know, er, Simon Pegg and, erm, Frosty are hosting that, are they?
We were asked to be on the panel for that, weren't we?
Were we?
Yeah.
I can't remember.
So listen, I've got a question.
Go on then.
How often do you, er, open a magazine and read its reviews and get amazingly incensed about a review, say, a bad review of something that you love?
Does that happen to you a lot?
Yeah, and do you know, what I generally do is avoid buying those magazines until it's got to the stage that I only really buy a couple of mags now.
Well, that must be all magazines, because this week I opened Empire magazine.
Well, what?
I was having quite a tough morning.
Yeah.
I get a, uh, Empire sent me the post, opened it up, and, uh, I read their review for The Life Aquatic, which is one of my favourite films of the year so far.
The Wes Anderson film, Life Aquatic, with Bill Murray.
Yeah.
Uh, three out of five.
I was so angry.
I was incensed.
I really was.
I thought, what?
I thought, Empire, you callow, gutless tossers.
I thought.
Because, I don't know.
You were incensed.
I was so incensed.
Do you know what I did?
I looked at their contents page and I noticed the number of the reviews editor was published in the magazine.
That's an invitation to call him up and berate him.
What's the cheat?
Did you really call him up?
Well, I thought I'm going to call him up.
I'm going to give this idiot a piece of my mind.
Yeah.
Because he's missed it.
He's completely missed it.
Life Aquatic is a flawed film.
It's not a perfect film, but most of it is incredible.
Some of it's incredible.
And you can't tell hundreds and thousands of readers that it's a three out of five and they shouldn't bother.
And then give Alexander four out of five.
Give Closer, which is the biggest load of old rubbish I've ever seen, four out of five.
Give Lemony Snicket, which is the crappest bit of characterless dross, four out of five.
Give Ray, which is... Did you see Ray?
I have seen Ray, yeah.
What do you think of Ray, out of five?
Er, I'd give it three.
They gave it four.
Jackass the movie, out of five, what would you give it?
Jackass the movie, I'd give that four.
They gave it four.
Attack of the Clones, what would you give it?
I'd give that er, two.
Five, they gave it.
Five?!
Yeah, and they give the life aquatic three.
Empire, you're not a magazine, you're a catalogue.
I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!
Yes.
You know, I actually rather like Empire, but it just seems a bit spineless as a magazine at the moment.
But Joe, man, that's the thing with the critical landscape in the modern world, it's totally uneven, it's ludicrous.
What they should do is what Brian Eno suggests in his diaries, is print at the bottom of every review their personal top five best and worst.
So you can tell how stupid they are.
Well, so you've got some way of judging it.
I mean, we shoot our mouths off on this show about all kinds of things in a very ill-informed way and make a lot of people very irritated about our opinions.
But you know what?
There's an American video games magazine called Electronic Gaming Monthly and they have three people review everything.
three little reviews instead of one big one.
Yeah.
That's quite a good technique.
Three differences of opinion.
People just love reviewing things and they, it's the internet age of, you know, the internet style of criticism is just completely random and useless these days.
Yeah.
Word Magazine, man.
You should buy Word Magazine.
Yeah.
Word Magazine is good.
At least it's got lots of writing in it.
They're talking about three articles in Empire, the rest of it's huge pictures of Ashton Kooster and adverts for ringtones.
Steve Yeah.
Well, there you go.
Ricky whooshes.
The Life Aquatic's brilliant.
That's just the point I want to get across.
Life Aquatic.
Steve When does it come out?
Ricky It's a flawed masterpiece.
Couple of weeks.
Steve I can't wait to see it.
Ricky And don't listen to people who just talk about the flaws and not the masterpiece aspect.
Steve Like us, for example.
Ricky Yeah.
Steve I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this anymore!
That's very good.
Spitting games from Snow Patrol.
Well done, Snow Patrol.
That's very good.
Four out of five I'd give that.
Hmm, four out of five.
Someone texted in angrily saying Ray deserves ten out of ten.
Was that actually Ray texting Ray from the grave?
I'll tell you what, Ray is just a performance with no real film around it.
It's an amazing performance from Jamie Foxx.
Tour de force.
You know, the thing I think about biopics generally is they're always just lies.
They're never right.
so they're not really useful in terms of teaching you about someone and they're also always very cliche because you know we both like biopics a lot because they always fall into the fantastic trap of having you know historicizing moments dramatizing moments that weren't like encapsulated in a couple of seconds like there's a fantastic moment in ray where someone goes ray don't mix blues and gospel no one's ever done that before
Like that, as if they're two chemicals, you know?
And it's gonna be an explosion.
A rock and roll explosion!
A ribbon blues blast!
The fantastic moment in The Doors when he composes, uh, My Fire.
Biopics are usually fantastically funny, but the problem with Ray is it's not that funny.
funny i know they should work that either they should go completely mental on the cliches or they should just do mad conjecture about their lives exactly exactly like the hours and the times did you ever see that that was about uh a meeting between john lennon john lennon and brian eppstein and their sort of homosexual relationship yeah but pure conjecture but it was really interesting it was brilliant amazing classic moment in the beach boys documentary uh not documentary but biopic i think it's called summer dreams where they're stood out and someone says uh
Hey, how you doing?
Yeah, pretty good.
You know, I've been having a lot of fun, fun, fun, but soon my daddy's gonna take my T-bird away.
And Brian Wilson goes, Wait!
Let's get into the studio right now!
That's how it happened, man.
There are a couple of good scenes in Ray.
There's a good scene in Ray.
Ray sort of reminds you that in the old days when bands recorded records they used to, the whole band would go into a room and they'd go one, two, three and then they'd play it and at the end they'd finish the whole record and the quality of a record depended on the atmosphere in the room in a three minute period which probably doesn't happen anymore really.
Some bands still do it like that.
More and more?
Well good, I think that's a good thing.
Is that it?
That was your point.
We've got Ditties in the Dock coming up very shortly and it's a jack-off.
It's a Michael Jackson play-off, because of course next week marks the official end of his career, so we decided we'd get a Michael Jackson record out.
Can't say that!
Did you not read the memo?
I did read the memo.
We're basically not allowed to talk about Jacko at all.
Our regulator expects us.
I can't even read.
To treat this court case in the same way as any trial happening here were fair and balanced.
He did it.
He didn't do it.
To this end, please do not make ad hoc comments about the Jacko trial.
Oh, ad hoc.
Oh, Joe Hock.
So we're gonna have to- it's gonna be tough to get through digits in the dot without making any Jacko jokes.
Yeah, especially ad hoc Jacko jokes.
Yeah.
It's weird though, don't you think, I don't know if this counts, I hope this is not an ad hoc Jacko comment, but it's weird that it's absolutely not a problem to play Michael Jackson music.
Somehow the music transcends any rubbish that's going on in his life, in a way that Gary Glitter music doesn't really, about the Glitter man.
Yeah, that's true.
But it's a nice thing, I think.
Anyway, we'll be back very shortly with Ditty's in the Dock and here's the doors.
No, it's not the doors, it's the cars.
I knew it was some object or item.
Right, we better be quick with this because we've only got 15 minutes.
It's time for Dizzy's in the Dock.
Joe and I are battling it out for who gets to play the final song of our show here on XFM.
And today it's a battle between two Michael Jackson classics.
Joe, do you want to go first or shall I?
Why not?
I'll go first.
I think I'll go first.
OK, you go first.
OK, well, it's obviously tricky picking a Michael Jackson track, because they're all so fantastic.
And it's hard to pick a sort of interesting and obscure one, because there aren't any.
So I've decided to choose The Girl Is Mine.
It's a fantastic duet with Paul McCartney.
If you don't remember it, it goes... It's a beautiful song, isn't it, Adam?
The girl is mine I don't understand the way you think Saying that she's yours, not mine Like that.
Very nice.
And then it's got the fantastic spoken passage in the middle, of course.
Michael, we're not going to fight about this, OK?
Paul, I think I told you, I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Yeah, but that's exactly what's got you into trouble.
Oh, steady.
Anyway, so the girl is mine.
Did you not read the memo?
If you want to hear Michael Jackson with The Girl Is Mine, there's a wonderful song to sing along to.
If you're with someone today, you can, you know, act it out between you.
Otherwise, it'll just make you feel very happy.
And maybe if you're involved in a violent struggle over a woman, it could clear things up.
0 8 7 1, triple 2, 1 0 4 9, to hear The Girl Is Mine.
And it is verses.
What's your choice?
Well, my choice is a stone classic.
It's a floor filler.
In all my years of DJing at parties, bar mitzvahs and weddings, I rely on this track to fill any floor, no matter how tough the crowd.
It's I Want You Back by the Jackson 5.
That's the way it goes.
And it's an amazing song.
I'm sure you're all familiar with it.
I don't need to remind you too much about it.
I Want You Back versus The Girl Is Mine.
That's the choice today.
One more motivation.
Everyone who calls, everyone who gets on air wins either a copy of The Village on DVD or Mark Rowland's fascinating book, Everything I Know I Learned From TV, which is a philosophy book with philosophy explained through popular television programs.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
I Want You Back or The Girl Is Mine.
That's all you have to vote for.
I like that one.
That's Crafty from New Order.
That's a new song from the New Order combo.
And now it is the final play off of this week's Dit Is In The Dock.
It's a Michael Jackson off to commemorate the potential end of his career beginning next week.
A last chance to play a Michael Jackson track.
We've got five callers on the line.
It is The Girl Is Mine versus I Want You Back.
So let's go to Rory.
Hello, Rory.
Hello.
How are you doing, Rory?
I'm fine.
I'm dandy.
Well done.
Congratulations for getting through.
You win either a copy of the philosophy book or the village on DVD.
Everyone's going to go for the DVD, aren't they?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Come on, we may not have both.
There's not enough?
No, there's not enough to give them both.
Someone's got to go for the philosophy book.
Is it just philosophy in there?
Read a random bit.
A random bit.
Palmer, however, demurs.
The execution of innocent children is, despite his flirtation with utilitarianism, apparently not his bag at all.
Come on, that sounds like good times in there.
That's a chapter all about 24, the TV series 24, and all the philosophical issues that it has in it.
Charging the philosophical issues.
Rory, hello, are you still listening?
Yeah, just about.
So is it the DVD you want, mate?
Actually, no, I think I'll go for the book.
Ooh, you're a clever one.
Classy.
There you go.
Very good, Rory.
And what are you voting for?
Is it I Want You Back or The Girl Is Mine?
Well, I want I Want You Back.
Ooh.
Of course you do, because you know that it's going to make you start shaking your booty.
That's one nil to Buxton.
Thanks, Rory.
On line two is Trevor.
Hello, Trevor.
Hello.
How are you doing?
I'm good.
Are you clever or stupid?
You're a chef.
You are, well, you're clever, but you're very tired at the end of the day and you want to just relax for the DVD, right?
Yeah, the book sounded a bit boring.
Oh, the book's good, man.
The book's great.
I'm gonna nip it.
The book may well be better than the film.
Probably got better ratings than the film anyway.
Yeah, so you want to copy The Village?
Yeah, might as well.
There you go, you got it.
And what are you voting for?
Is it gonna be I Want You Back or The Girl Is Mine?
The Girl Is Mine.
It's one all!
Sorry, mate?
Have you, do you know the song?
No, I don't know, I haven't heard it.
What?
It's quite a famous song.
Ah, it's a fantastic song.
It is good, I just heard it, queuing it up, cause we didn't, you heard it.
We don't know, um.
I don't know what's going on, really, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Well, you know, let's not talk about it.
Thank you very much for calling, that's one all between the two Jack O'Tracks.
Kay is on line three, hello Kay.
Hiya.
How are you?
I'm well, thank you.
Philosophy or sort of random historical rubbish for you?
I'll go for the book.
The book?
Everyone's so clever.
It is a good book.
Mark Rowland's Everything I Know I Learned From TV.
Subtitled Philosophy for the Unrepentant Couch Potato.
It's good stuff.
There you go.
So you're getting that.
And what are you voting for, Kate?
Which Chaco-Traco?
I want you back.
Yeah, come on.
Wow, it's 2-1 for Buxton.
That's an extraordinary result.
Thanks for calling, Kay.
We've got Jason on line 4.
Hello, Jason.
Hello, mate.
What are you up to, Jason?
Just a bit of chopping out.
A bit of chopping out?
Are you killing people?
Are you chopping up your wife?
No, I'm chopping out a wolf.
A wolf.
You're chopping up a wolf.
A wolf?
Oh, right.
Really?
Hey, that's... Are you an electrician or are you just randomly chopping?
Oh, okay.
And do you know what you're doing or are you going to kill yourself?
He's just chopping until he gets a shock.
It's what he does for kicks.
Randomly stabbing your finger into the wall.
Chop shocks.
Jason, do you want a twisty film or do you want a slightly boring... Interesting book.
It's got to be the DVD.
Well done.
Have you seen The Village, Jason?
I haven't, no.
I'm not a big fan of M. Night Shyamalan, but The Village is probably one of the better ones.
Although the twist is, as you would imagine, ludicrous.
It's a good watch.
So what are you going to vote for?
And the girl is mine.
That preset level pegging makes it so exciting.
Thanks, Jason.
Good luck with the electrics.
That is to all.
So this is the deciding vote.
The final call from Steve is the deciding vote.
Hello, Steve.
Hello.
Are you conscious of the momentousness of your decision?
Yeah, it's very tense, I've been listening, it's very tense.
Well, there's been a tense atmosphere throughout the whole show, not just in Ditches in the Dark.
The sort of tension that comes when you don't know what you're going to say or what you're doing, or how to operate the machinery.
What are you up to today, Steve?
I've just finished washing my car and hoovering it out.
I've just taken it for the car wash.
Did you find anything surprising in your car when you cleaned it out?
Anything you'd forgotten about?
Yeah.
Any money?
A lot of old tapes, a bit of money, loads of rubbish on the floor, food.
I've got to clean out my car.
It's looking a lot better.
Good, well done.
That'll be a lovely drive the rest of the week until he starts building stuff on it again.
So what would you like?
Would you like the Swillage or the Burke?
It'll have to go with the DVD I think.
Well done, the DVD.
Is it a double disc?
No, it isn't.
It's got four deleted scenes.
Oh, amazing.
And it's got one of M. Night Shawadee Wadee's home movies, which are always dreadful, but he always sticks one on every DVD.
That sounds good.
Yeah, really selling it there, man.
Well, thanks, mate.
So, let's see.
What's this going to be?
What are you going to vote for?
I can't believe it!
Cornish wins!
I thought I had it nailed, but I want you back!
People have heard it too much.
It's overplayed.
The Girl is Mine is a forgotten classic.
Well done Steve.
You're so clever and good looking.
Look at your legs, they're so strong.
Thanks for calling Steve.
Thanks to everyone for calling in and thank you as well for all your messages, emails, texts.
We'll see you next week.
Bye!
The doggone girl is mine I don't understand the way you think Saying that she's yours, not mine Sending roses and your silly dreams Really just a waste of time Because she's mine
Cause doggone girl is mine I love you more than me Take you anywhere But I love you endlessly So come and go with me to one side
Cause I really feel it's time And don't you tell you I'm the one for her Cause she said I blow her mind, the girl in mine
She's mine.
No, no, no, she's mine.
Michael, we're not gonna fight about this, okay?
Oh, I think I told you, I'm a lover not a fighter.
I've heard it all before, Michael.
She told me that I'm her forever lover, you know.
Don't you remember?
Well, after loving me, she says she can love another.
Is that what she said?
Yeah, she said it.
You keep dreaming.
I don't believe it.
No, the girl is mine.
No, mine.
You're mine.
She's mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
XFM.