Hi, I'm Adam.
Hi, I'm Joe.
Joe.
This is XFM London's 104.9.
You're listening to the... ...and Joe radio show.
That's right, the... ...and Joe radio show.
What?
Adam's missing.
Uh, my name's Joe Cornish.
This is my co-host.
Hello?
Adam?
Adam!
AD!
Adam?
Adam, where are you?
Oh, is there something I said?
Where have you gone?
He's not here, listeners.
This week, I'm presenting on my own, because Adam's gone to Cambersands to see some stupid band called Spoon play live.
I'm going to have to do the whole thing.
I'll show them my own.
So please help me.
Call 087-122-1049 the second we ask for calls.
We're going to have Dizzies in the Dock.
We're going to have the crap commentary competition.
We've got some fantastic music.
I've got loads of things to talk about, but I need your help.
087-122-1049, the second we ask for callers.
This is the Anjo radio show.
Here's Keen.
Somewhere only we know.
Maybe round the back of that little shed in the forest that stinks of wee and has got graffiti on it and we can smoke naughty things and touch each other.
Uh, that was the earnest fat-faced puppy dog stylings of Keen.
This is Joe Cornish on XFM.
Flying solo this week, uh, because Adam Buxton's gone to all tomorrow's parties in Camber Sands.
It's a sort of indie holiday camp fest.
But that's not a very good excuse, is it, for not turning up on the show?
Just you want to go to a gig?
What sort of thing is that?
I want to go to a gig every Saturday.
I'd far rather be in bed watching a film.
So we punished Mr Buxton by bringing him into the studio earlier this week and recording some fascinating links to make life easier for me this week.
Let's have a listen to one of them.
Well, I'm here with Adam Buxton.
Thanks a lot for joining us, Adam.
Yes, nice to be here.
Now, this Saturday show you're not going to be present at.
Can you give the listeners a good excuse, a good reason why?
Well, there was a poll, and it was found that I had become too important to actually do the show live anymore.
I'm not saying that you're not too important to do it live, but one of us had to, and on this occasion, I won.
And I'm going to be at all tomorrow's parties, the obscure music festival.
Are you performing there?
No, no, I'll be just wandering around in a daze.
So you're skiving off the show to go to a gig?
Yeah, but I'll refer you to my earlier answer, the poll.
Too important to do the show.
I've heard that the poll's a lie.
It's kind of a lie, it's based on some lies, but still, the poll.
I've heard that you're simply skiving off to go to gig, get drunk, lollop around some portacabins in where?
It happens in Butlins or somewhere, doesn't it?
It's Camber Sands, which is in Kent somewhere.
To get drunk with a whole lot of teenage indie freaks.
That's scurril.
Snog somebody.
No, no.
Not tell your wife.
No, no.
Fall over, go to sleep in mud.
I'm working.
I'll be working.
I'll be sort of interviewing some of the bands.
You know, I might have an interview on next week's show with some of the bands, with Deerhoof.
It's unlikely, isn't it?
Or the Finkles, or Basement Lavatory.
Basement Lavatory?
Yeah, they're all playing.
Oh, that's different.
Go, go, go for it.
The Woofles.
Get the Waffles.
Get Basement Lavatory.
And Gene from the Dirty Shirties.
But you're gonna take part in the show this week by pre-recording some little items, aren't you?
yeah yeah yeah I mean I'm gonna be more or less here you know pretty much yeah just entire the only thing that separates me from the listeners is three days four days yeah but of course the brilliant thing is with you being on tape is that I can cut you off at any point yeah exactly I mean you wouldn't cut me off right now because I'm gonna say some really amazingly interesting stuff and probably cut you off by now right
Ah, the hurdy-gurdy sounds of the thrills.
This is the Anjo radio show.
I'm Joe Cornish, presenting on my own this week as Adam's gone to all tomorrow's parties.
But I've got some incredible prizes to give away this week.
I've got tickets for The Streets at the Alexandra Palace on Friday the 11th of March.
I've got Chris Rock DVDs, and I've got triple CD sets of 80s 12 inches.
Is that a good prize?
Yes, it is a good prize.
And you can win those in crap commentary competition, which is coming up in a second.
And this is in the dock.
And we're going to have a text competition as well, tied in with the Oscars, which are, of course, hosted by Chris Rock.
But no one can see them because they're on Sky.
But we'll come back with that in a second after New Order.
That's New Order with Crafty.
This is London's XFM.
My name's Joe Cornish.
And now I've got to play another of these pre-recorded links from Adam.
Do we have to?
I'm doing all right, aren't I?
I'm capable of doing this show on my own.
But here's some Buxton, in case anyone is feeding for Buxton.
Hello, you're back with the pre-recorded sound of Adam Buxton.
I'm not in the studio this weekend because I've skived off.
I'm at a kind of crazy rock festival.
But Joe's being punished by coming in and playing little bits of me recorded on tape earlier in the week.
It doesn't really get much worse than that, I would say.
This is pretty much the lowest point of Joe's career.
But I'm going to make his life a tiny bit better now by playing a wonderful song by Jeff Buckley.
And this is called Grace.
Hope you like it, Joe.
It's time to call in.
You could win something amazing.
Let us begin.
Can you guess which film we're playing?
I didn't want the same.
Crap Commentary Corner.
Ah, it's time to play Crap Commentary Corner.
This is the competition, of course, when we play you an excerpt from a DVD commentary and you have to call in and tell us who's speaking and what film the commentary's been taken off.
Call 0871 222 1049 and this week you can win a Chris Rock DVD called Never Scared.
I think Chris Rock is extremely funny.
He's hosting the Oscars this year.
So that's a great prize.
Call 871-222-1049.
Have a listen to this incredibly posh actress and see if you can guess who it is and what film she's talking about.
Here we go.
Ooh!
Ooh, no.
Yes.
Stop it.
Arrgh!
Oh, dear.
Yes.
stop talking shut up oh ghostly oh yes a bit of pouting look at my hair you see you see curly nearly oh no no i'm feeling it i'm feeling it and oh here we are but i'm being very flirty now aren't i oh why does my eyebrow do that
Christmas Day.
It's astonishing this woman's a professional actress.
She sounds like a ten-year-old.
Who is she?
0871-222-1049 to win a Chris Rock DVD.
Shall we play a second clip?
Let's play one more clip.
If you thought that was posh, get this.
I was angry at him there.
Did you see that kind of scowl?
Oh, pout there.
You are a fine specimen of a man.
But look at my cleavage.
It is horrific.
That was lovely.
It must be love, babe.
You're so masculine.
Hang him, Pooh.
Oh, there we go.
That was unexpected.
He's not very nice, is he?
Oh, angry.
Angry acting.
Angry breathing acting.
Yeah, that's a little insight into her acting techniques, a little analysis of her own methods there.
Who is that?
08712221049, if you want to win a Chris Rock DVD.
Earlier in the week, during our pre-record, Adam and My Pre-Record, which was designed to punish him for not being here, I played him those clips, and this was the little chat we had.
God almighty, she's the poshest person in the world.
She really is.
I thought I was posh.
I started hating her, but then I started to fall in love with her.
Well, she's a confusing entity, isn't she?
Because she's very, very attractive.
She's like a very sexy, tiny, posh child.
But on the other hand, she's like a kind of mad, posh horsewoman.
Ghostly, she says.
Look at my cleavage.
Oh, no.
Brilliant stuff.
You know, I think we should release those chats on CD.
I think they'd sell very well.
You only need to sell about, what, 200 to get to number one these days?
I think we'd get to number one.
So that's Crap Commentary Competition for this week.
0871-221049 to win a Chris Rock DVD.
Who is the posh, tiny little actress?
This is Green Day.
It's time to call in.
You could win something amazing.
Let us begin.
Can you guess which film we're playing?
I hear and what they're saying.
Crap Commentary Corner.
It's not possible to overplay that jingle.
It's not.
It's impossible.
It's actually impossible to overplay that jingle.
Scientific fact.
You're listening to Joe, the Joe show, the and Joe radio show here on XFM.
Adam's away this week, but we've been playing Crap Commentary Corner.
We've got two callers on the line.
First of all, we might listen to one of those clips again in case anybody's just tuned in.
Who is this amazingly posh actress and what film is she commenting on?
Ooh!
Ooh, no, yes, yes.
Stop it.
Argh!
Oh, dear.
Yes.
Stop talking.
Shut up.
Ooh, ghostly.
Oh, yes, a bit of pouting.
Look at my hair.
You see?
Curly.
Nearly... Ooh, no, no, I'm feeling it.
I'm feeling it.
Oh, here we are.
But I'm being very flirty now, aren't I?
Ooh, why does my eyebrow do that?
Ooh, ghostly.
I love the way she says that.
Maybe we should, maybe I should try and hook up with her.
But who is she?
That's the question.
Uh, we've got Adam on the line.
Hello, Adam.
How are you, mate?
You're not, like, Adam, my friend Adam, are you, calling from Camber Sands?
Mate, I'll be whoever you want to be, mate.
Oh, well, yeah, oh, well, in that case.
You need a friend that badly.
OK, how are you doing today, Adam?
Yeah, I'm doing well, mate.
On my way to work.
You're Australian, aren't you?
Right, uh, what's your, what's your work?
Mate, I work in air conditioning.
Okay, you actually work, and what do you do when you're in the air conditioning?
Do you have an office in an air conditioning unit?
Mate, uh, no.
No.
You don't?
Other way around, other way around.
You install air conditioning?
You can't be very busy at this time of year.
Oh, no, we're busy, mate.
Doing what?
Installing air conditioning.
To make places even colder?
Yeah, we get a bit of heating and cooling, mate.
You're insane, but obviously very successful at selling snowballs to Eskimos.
Who do you think it is, Adam?
I think it's Helen of Bottom Carter, mate.
Wow, what makes you think that?
The poshness?
Bit of a thing for Helen of Bottom Carter, and I recognise her voice.
I think it's her.
Really?
You've got a thing for her?
Are you a short man?
No, I'm a tall man.
Because she is tiny.
You could pretty much put her on the end of a keychain and hang her off your rucksack.
I don't have a rucksack, but I'd hang her off something.
OK, thank you very much, Adam.
What a frightening thought.
You're wrong, I'm afraid to say.
It's not Helena Bonham Carter.
What film did you think she was talking over?
Well, I thought she might have been talking about The Grudge.
She wasn't in The Grudge.
I'm- I'm so confused by you, Adam.
You're selling people air conditioning in winter.
You think Helena Bonham Carter would be doing a commentary over the grudge.
Uh, you're fantastic.
Thank you very much for calling.
I'm very sorry you got it wrong.
Uh, good luck with, uh, all the installations, etc.
Bye!
OK, our second caller's David.
Hello, David.
Hello.
How are you?
Um, I'm a bit hungover, but I'm alright.
You sound very close, very intimate.
Q. Are you some sort of sex line operator, gay sex line operator?
A. Um, no.
Q. Have you thought about it?
A. Not until now.
Q. You'd be very, very good.
A. Do you think I could make a career out of it?
Q. You could make a lot of money, yeah.
So, David, do you think you know who that is, then?
A. Um, yes, I do.
Q. And tell us who you think it is.
A. Well, I think it's Keira Knightley.
OK, based on what evidence?
Erm, based on that it sounds like her voice.
That's very good.
Good thinking.
And what movie do you think she's talking over?
I think it's Pirates of the Caribbean.
You are correct!
You have got it right!
Whey!
David, that must be great news.
It's the best news I've ever heard.
Are you sexually attracted to Keira Knightley?
No.
Why not?
I don't know.
She's just... I'm just not.
What can I say?
She's not attractive.
Can I tell you how I feel about Kiera?
Go on.
Well, I think she's amazingly gorgeous from a three-quarter angle.
But as soon as she hits her profile, she turns into a horse.
She's sort of like a royal, or she might have a tiny bit of royal blood in her.
You know that scene in Love Actually when she's at the door?
That ridiculous scene where he's got all the signs?
Oh, well I haven't seen that film but... It's not good, avoid it.
In one shot she looks ravishing, in the next shot she looks like an old filthy old pony.
So, what?
Would I?
Would I do it with a filthy old pony?
I didn't say that, I mean- Yeah, no, I definitely would.
You would do it with a filthy old pony?
Yeah.
I was up- yeah, yeah, yes.
And Keira Knightley, as long as she was there as well.
I was up very late making that crap commentary, and, er, at first I thought, this woman's so posh, that's appalling, I couldn't- it'd be like being trapped in a box with a teenage Penelope Keith.
But then I started to fall in love with her.
I- I admire you for getting- listening to that commentary, cos I think I listened to the first two minutes
of her voice and then I had to give up.
You know what, David, that was the tip of the iceberg.
It's unbelievable, I can't believe that she's, it's like she's gone straight from school, a very, very posh school, straight to Hollywood.
Mummy, is it really possible to star in a film?
Of course it would, Kiera.
And then she's just in a film.
And that's it.
It's a scandal.
And she's playing like an action hero in this film, Domino, that's coming up this summer.
Holding a huge gun.
Action hero.
I don't know.
It makes me feel sick and slightly sexually aroused at the same time.
David, congratulations, you've won.
You win Chris Rock with Never Scared.
It's his latest searing political stand-up diatribe.
Are you a fan of Chris Rock?
No.
No?
Not really, but they're fantastic.
Thank you.
You're such a contrary man, but very, very clever.
Who's that giggling in the background?
That's my friend Richard.
Your friend Richard?
He's from the north.
Is he?
That's no excuse for making little high-pitched Buffalo Bill style serial killer giggles in the background.
It's not, no.
Thank you for calling, David.
Thank you very much.
The DVD that you don't want will be winging its way to you.
You know what?
I had two copies.
Can I have one for myself?
Yeah, go on then.
Oh, but I've messed it up now.
Chris Rock's hosting the Oscars, of course, on Sunday night, which can only be seen on Sky1.
And the Oscar producers are desperate to find a way to make people watch it.
The viewing figures have plummeted in America, and obviously in Europe they're tiny already, but they've become minuscule.
The producers are abandoning all logic in an attempt to make people watch it.
So they're, you know, bringing some new things to the Oscars.
We're going to talk about that, and I'm going to have a text competition, and your motive for texting will be to win tickets to see the streets.
Friday the 11th of March at the Alexandra Palace.
If you can come up with a good way to improve the Oscars, I'm going to come back with one or two suggestions of my own right after the Black Velvets with 3, 3, 4, 5.
Hi, Joe, it's coming up to the end of the first hour, and this is your little virtual pep talk from Adam here, which was recorded earlier in the week to keep your spirits up and make you feel less lonely, seeing as you're being really nice and helming the show more or less on your own.
You've got Lila there, our sexy producer, standing there, looking at you firmly, firmly.
And I just want to say that I'm sure it's going really well.
You're my favourite DJ.
I don't listen to anyone else on the radio and I'm sure everyone out there in XFM land agrees.
Keep it up, man.
You're the king of the airwaves and you've got good hair.
That's the Kaiser Chiefs with Oh My God.
They were on some TV show very late last night and I thought they came across incredibly well, the lead singer especially.
I'm not talking about the Friday Night Project, were they on that?
I think they were but I don't watch that anymore.
I've banned that from my eyes.
They were on some late night documentary or maybe four music and the reason I really wore them to the lead singer is he was showing us around his tour bus and he was showing us his little bed where he slept and he said, and this is my Beddington's and soon I'm off to Sleepy's.
Anyone who says Beddington's and Sleepy's is alright in my book.
Um, okay.
Now is your chance to win tickets to see the streets at the Alexandra Palace, Friday the 11th of March.
Uh, supported by the Mitchell Brothers, or are the Mitchell Brothers part of the streets?
No, they're the support act, aren't they?
Lila, tell me.
Yeah, I've got it right, good.
OK, uh, and, in order to win those tickets, you've got to come up with an idea to improve the Oscars.
Ratings are plummeting, no one's interested in the Oscars.
According to the host, even, Chris Rock, they're only watched by gay men, who are in the entertainment business.
I guess that makes me a gay man in the entertainment business, even though I'm not a gay man.
But I am sort of in the entertainment business.
But I love the Oscars, even when they're really boring.
I find them watchable, but I'm very excited about these new twists they're giving the format this year.
We've already had a few texts in.
Mike says, to improve the Oscars, you could make the statues out of jelly.
I don't know if that would improve it a lot.
Would it?
It would just be messy.
A couple of jelly jokes.
Not sure about that one.
And he says, make all the winners collect their Oscars using jet packs.
That's pretty good, but, of course, jetpacks tend to burn what's beneath them, so you'd end up with a lot of very crispy, dead film stars, which would be more interesting, but... Well, yeah, no, that's a really good idea, actually, cos you'd kill the current crop of film stars.
Gets the new ones in, cos, frankly, they're boring.
I had a couple of ideas how to improve the Oscars.
Let's have a look.
Here we go.
OK, this is a pretty good idea.
One of the- you invent a new category.
The new category is- is most hated man in Hollywood.
Worst actor.
Okay?
Most reprehensible person.
You award them an Oscar without tele- for some other category, but it's an exploding Oscar.
So they- they give a big speech, they love it, and then towards the end of the ceremony, you make an announcement, you say, right, we're now down to the exploding Oscar.
One of you who's been awarded an Oscar tonight has an incendiary device in their lap.
And then you just pan across the stalls, Jack Nicholson, Adam Sandler, all the big stars, Tom Cruise, BANG!
it would explode, killing one of the stars.
Wouldn't that be fantastic?
And it would give a suspense to the whole show, be like a ticking time bomb.
I think that would be extraordinary.
Other ideas I had, nude ceremony, just do it in the nude.
I think it would be very interesting to see the tackle and tits of Hollywood's stars.
Don't you think?
Tackle and tits at the Oscars.
That's a good phrase, isn't it?
Classy.
Inflatable assault course to decide the winner.
All the losers are gunged.
That'd be good.
Host to get Dick and Dom to do it.
Dick and Dom host the Oscars.
Dick and Dom in-depth Oscars.
I've got so many ideas.
What about announcing the national lottery numbers?
One between each Oscar.
Yeah, that'll keep people tuned in.
If you've got better ideas than that, and it shouldn't be hard to have better ideas than that, you can text 83XFM, email adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
Can they call?
They could call.
08712221049 and you could win tickets to see The Streets, Friday the 11th of March.
Now, music from... Snow Patrol.
That was Snow Patrol with Run.
They must have been very busy in the past week.
Snow Patrol.
Because it was snowing.
This is Joe Cornish on XFM.
Now, we've been asking you for your ideas on how to improve the Oscars.
I forgot to let you know the actual ideas that the producers of the Oscars are implementing for Sunday night's ceremony.
The two I know about are these.
First of all, the host, Chris Rock, is going to promenade amongst the audience and give some Oscars to the winners in their seats.
So that whole sort of Michael Barrymore, you know, an audience with Lenny Tarbuck, who's he?
But you know, it sounds like a rather cheap Saturday night ITV1 thing to do.
The Oscars is quite demeaning for film stars generally, but this I think is going to make it even worse for them.
And the other twist is they're going to call a lot of the nominees up on stage when they give the Oscars and have them sort of line up
and then announce who's won in a kind of weird pop idol style moment and they'll probably do that thing that they always do now which is you know you've got the sentence which is and the Oscar goes to Finding Neverland but they'll go and the Oscar goes to and they'll make this silence last for as long as possible
Just because they know you can't switch off.
They know you're guaranteed to stay watching.
So they extend that moment endlessly.
They might do that at the Oscars.
It's just an idea.
I think if they've got any sense, they will.
Your ideas are coming in thick and fast by text.
8-3-XFM.
We're gonna read some of them out and decide who's won these tickets to the streets.
But before that, here's a free play.
This is a bit of music by a guy called Mark Mathersberg.
He used to be in Devo.
He composed the music for the Rugrats, you'll be excited to hear, and he's also done the fantastic score for the new Wes Anderson movie, The Life Aquatic.
And this is a very short bit of music that the Team Zissou diving team play in their helmets when they go deep sea diving.
So imagine you've got your big diving bell on, Bill Murray's on your left, Owen Wilson's on your right, you've sunk under water, there's animatronic fish all around you, and this is what you're hearing.
I'll see you next time.
Uh, you're listening to XFM, London's 104.9.
My name's Joe Cornish.
I'm here with you for another 35 minutes.
Uh, my co-presenter Adam is away this week, but we have been asking you for your suggestions to improve the Oscars, uh, this year.
And we've been inunde... inundected?
Indecucted?
Inundeeded?
With, uh, quite clever ideas, really.
Uh, here is one.
Um, okay, let's have a look.
To improve the Oscars, the nominee with the least amount of votes gets shot in the head.
All other winners wear explosive collars.
Uh, that's a good idea, I think.
Yeah?
Don't you think?
Battle royale style?
Uh, here's another one.
Uh, a way to improve the Oscars is to get the... Oh, no, hang on.
Actually, we're gonna go speak to that person, so let's skip that one.
To improve the Oscars, you could host it live from Bognor Butlins near the Derby Race.
The red coats are so forgiving.
That's from Phil.
I think that's a really good idea, the Oscars from Butlins.
Get them to slum it.
really damp, cold environment, rubbish food, diseased old eggs, and awful Butlins redcoats doing terrible S Club 8 covers in between the awards.
That'll be fantastic.
How about this one?
The person who wins only actually gets the award if they tell us an amazing secret about one of the losers.
I think that would be good.
So you'd win, but you only actually get the Oscar officially if you give something scandalous away about one of the other losers.
But my two favourite ones, the two at the top of the running, we've actually got the people who've invented them on the line.
So let's speak to Anna.
Hello, Anna.
Hello.
How are you doing?
I'm very good, thank you.
Now what's your idea for... First of all, can I ask you, are you a keen viewer of the Oscars?
Do you watch it every year?
I try and avoid them as much as I can, really.
Why?
Because I just find them slightly dull.
Oh, but Anna, they're the... But with my idea, I would jazz them up.
OK, but before we get to that, you do realise that everyone involved in the Oscars is prettier than you, clever than you, richer than you, more successful than you.
Everything they say is fascinating.
We all have to aspire to the way they live.
You realise that, don't you?
Of course, of course.
And if you think they're just a load of hopeless old chancers, you're very, very stupid.
Yeah, but they're good to gossip about anyway.
Yeah, as long as we've established that.
So what's your idea for invigorating the Oscars this year?
My idea is that every table you have a little microphone, and you've got a little button next to it as well, so you can buzz in and listen to any of the tables.
And you can hear what your colleagues are gossiping about you basically.
And I reckon the entertainment of hair pulling and punches being thrown and drinks being thrown would be really jazz up the night.
That's a very good idea.
So basically every seat is miked.
And we at home can listen to the stars cursing, swearing, gossiping, bitching.
Exactly, and they can listen to each other.
they'd have to know that though wouldn't they I mean you have to warn them about this before they turned up well because you go then you can only do it one year and the next year they'd all realize and they'd all can up then the next year they're gonna be so wound up waiting for what next is gonna happen the next year you do something else that's it that's so that's so clever you should put that in a letter and send it to them I think
I wouldn't be surprised if you were flying first class to America to the Oscars at number Oscars, Oscars Street and having them put that idea into practice.
I think possibility.
Are you a big fan of the streets?
Yes, I would love to go and see it.
Genuinely, you'd love it?
No, I would, I would really enjoy it.
Who would you take?
I'd take my boyfriend.
Really?
I would.
What sort of thing would you do when you got there?
When we got there, I'd try and MC and try and do a bit of breakdancing.
Would you push all the way to the front?
Oh, of course.
Really?
Yeah.
And I'll wear my funny hat as well that I wore last year.
So I'll wear my rabbit hat and everyone can see me.
That sounds extraordinary.
Well, listen, thank you so much for coming on the show.
That's okay.
I've got one other caller I'm going to speak to, but after that I'm going to make a decision based on levels of enthusiasm about who to give these tickets to.
So thank you very much, Anna.
Please keep listening.
And I very much hope, you know, Rupee's going to have to be very enthusiastic to beat Anna's enthusiasm there.
So let's go to Rupee.
Hello, Rupee.
Hi.
How are you doing?
I'm not bad.
Not very enthusiastic, but I'm not bad as well.
Well, you're just too cool.
You're too laid back.
That's it, you see.
It's not right for men to be enthusiastic, you know, it destroys our cred.
We've got to keep a distance.
Well, that's it, it's just a guy thing.
So, Rupi, what's your idea for invigorating the Oscars?
Well, you have the boring old speeches every year, and they go on thinking of long lines of Gwyneth Paltrow and all that.
Why don't you have them just sing the acceptance speeches?
And then I was thinking, what better song to sing along to than Eye of the Tiger?
Wow.
I was going to say something quite rude there.
I think under those circumstances they would say something rude but I can't say what I was going to say.
Really?
And you think it would be alright for them to sing Eye of the Tiger over and over again?
I mean, there are about 15 awards or something?
That'd be quite repetitive, wouldn't it?
Well, they could have a bit of variety, sing along to SpongeBob SquarePants.
I don't know, there's loads of stuff, or perhaps Knight Rider theme.
Sing along to SpongeBob SquarePants?
Yeah, the theme music to that, just for variety's sake.
How does that go?
I have no idea.
I'm not going to sing on air either.
Oh, that's a shame.
Well, I think that's a very, very good idea.
Did I read out the one about weeing?
No.
There's another good one, Rupi.
See what you think of this.
James from Art Minster says, force the stars to drink loads of water before the ceremony, then ban them from going to the toilet.
That would be very interesting.
I don't know if it would be watchable, but that would be very interesting.
I think it would be very watchable.
There'd be a sense of real suspense, a building pressure, you know?
If they look very agitated, it's probably because they're coked up beforehand anyway.
That's very true.
I mean, that's a libelous allegation you've made there.
Allegedly, coke.
You may be sued by Hollywood.
I doubt they're listening.
Well, I think Hollywood listens regularly.
Okay, fair enough.
So, okay, so now, the only other question I have for you, Rupee, is, do you want to win these tickets to see the streets?
Absolutely, I'll get fully kitted out in my Burberry gear, I'll be fully chavved out.
Chavved out?
Yeah!
Okay, good.
I'll be out there the front, moshing away.
Who would you take?
I'd probably take my chav-tastic brother.
fantastic brother Wow have you got did you listen to Anna's case I certainly did and it was full of enthusiasm why should I give them to you not Anna because it's a guy thing and plus I think you know I'm a bigger fan of the streets I've got both his albums I think it's really cool and I go for that whole UK garage stuff as well why don't you take Anna we're paying Anna I could give you one ticket each
Oh, I don't know about that.
What if she turns out to be crazy?
Yeah, but she's probably fantastic and sexy.
And you're fantastic and sexy, right?
Um, oh yeah, of course.
Well, she's gonna say the same, so there you go!
You know what?
Do you think her boyfriend would beat me up, though?
There's no telling what could happen in this modern day and age it could either be a fight or A big love in who knows in this crazy modern world Well, I'm gonna have to decide between rupee and Anna's ideas We're gonna work figure some way out to decide that thank you very much for talking to me rupee Now enjoy this popular music by one of the country's oh no I tell you what this is actually this is LCD sound system with Duff Punk is playing at my house and
Wow, that's the LCD sound system with Daft Punk is playing at my house.
I'm saying daft, not like a northerner, but like a German man.
Daft!
So let us settle the battle between Rupee and Anna.
I'm going to give the tickets to Anna.
Because, Rupee, I think her idea is actually better.
to mike the audience.
I think it's a feasible idea.
And it's also funny, you know.
And, Rupi, I think you're a great guy and I hope you don't hate me because I, uh, took the tickets away from you.
But, um, you know, there we go.
Thanks very much for everybody who entered that competition.
There were some terrific ideas.
I'll be forwarding them all to the Oscars, number one Hollywood street, America, the USA.
OK, in a second we're going to start playing Dizzies in the Dock, me against a virtual Adam.
But right before that, this is you two with Sometimes You Can't Make It.
That's what it says on my sheet, on your own.
That's you two.
You know what?
I think Bono should just sing in Parliament.
Cut out the middleman and just perform in the House of Commons with no band.
You know, he's a politician really, more than a musician now, don't you think?
Put him in politics, keep him quiet.
That's U2, that's a great single though.
Now it's time to play Dizzy's in the Dark.
Of course, this is the part of the show where Adam and I usually battle it out to get the last free play of the show and you, our trusty, loyal, good-looking, attractive, sweetly-scented listeners, choose which song, either mine or Adam's, is going to play out the show.
This week, of course, Adam isn't here.
He's gone to all tomorrow's parties in Camber Sands.
He's currently probably choking on his own vomit in a little hut.
But earlier this week, as punishment for not being here, he came into the studio and recorded some bits and bobs, so we've got a sort of pre-recorded pitch for Adam's track.
So, let's start with that.
Let's hear what Adam's pitch is for Ditties in the Week.
Ditties in the Week?
Ditties in the Dock, this week.
Hey, it's Virtual Adam Buxton here from earlier in the week.
Now, it's Ditty's in the Dock time, so I have to pitch my Ditty on Wednesday, and Joe will play it in right now on Saturday.
But I don't really see the point, because they're gonna rig it.
It's gonna be rigged.
Joe cheats at the best of times, bending rules this way and that way, whenever it suits him.
So why on earth would he let me win when I'm not even in the studio?
However, listeners, I implore you to have the good sense to vote for this track.
I want you to vote for Andy Warhol by David Bowie from the classic Hunky Dory album.
Because this week it's songs about real people from the real world.
And Bowie penned this classic track about his hero, the pop art guru, Andy Warhol.
way back in the early 70s and it's still an absolute peach very odd song but a wonderful one nevertheless and surely one of the best songs ever written about a real person forget nelson nandella forget all the forget whoever loonie joe's managed to dig up a song about this is where it's at
Hunky-dory, come on, there's not a bad track on it.
OK, that's enough, come on, time up, cut him off, cut him off, time up.
He always talks for too long, and even when he's pre-recorded, he goes on for too long.
But that's an extremely good song, I wouldn't mind hearing that.
The number, of course, is 0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine, but before you call, here's what it's up against.
You could either listen to David Bowie's Andy Warhol, or you could listen to Madness with My Name Is Michael Caine.
That's right, because this week's theme is Songs About Real People.
I worked so hard to find a really good song, I considered Bette Davis' Eyes,
But that's too hot FM, really.
Hey Jude, which is about Julian Lennon, that's overplayed.
When Smokey Sings by ABC, that's rubbish.
Joan of Arc by Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark, it's boring.
Dorothy Parker by Prince, I thought.
But no, Dorothy Parker was a famous poet, and his song's about a waitress.
Can't play that.
The Robert De Niro Calypso from the Adam and Joe show, I was gonna play, but that would be shameless self-promotion.
So I decided not to play that.
Rock Me Amadeus, I was gonna play by Falco.
But that stinks!
Buddy Holly by Weezer I was going to play, but Alex Ayn just played that in his show.
The Gorillaz with Clint Eastwood, but it's not actually about Clint Eastwood, it's just a random, you know, hip-hop thing.
So, I've Gone For Madness with Michael Caine, which is a pretty excellent song.
The high point of My Name Is Michael Caine by Madness is of course the very beginning when Suggs, for no apparent reason, goes a-good-ja-ya-ya, a-good-ja-ya-ya.
If anyone can tell me what that has to do with Michael Caine, what it means, a good year, yeah, yeah, could be the stupidest thing anyone's ever sung in any record.
And for that alone, I think it's worth voting for My Name Is Michael Caine by Madness.
So, did it in the dock this week is Andy Warhol by David Bowie versus My Name Is Michael Caine by Madness.
So call 0871 222 1049, vote Warhol or Caine and you could win.
A compilation of great 12-inch mixes from the 80s.
Three CDs in there.
We've got five to give away.
Everyone who gets on the air will win a copy of that great CD.
0-8-7-1, triple 2, 1-0-4-9.
We'll find out the winner right after this.
Yes, sir, you're back with me, Joe Cornish.
This is the last seven minutes of the show.
We're very quickly going to pay off Dizzies in the Dock now.
The theme this week is Songs About Real People and it's Madness with My Name Is Michael Caine versus David Bowie with Andy Warhol.
Bowie is Adam's choice.
Madness is my choice.
Just before we go to the lines, let me say that before the ad break you heard Orange Juice with Felicity, that of course going out to Edwin Collins.
Uh, who's a good friend of the Adam and Jojo, came on when we used to be, uh, when we used to do that show.
And best wishes to him and his family and stuff.
Okay, time for Dizzy's in the Dark now.
Who do we have on line one?
Hello, speak.
Hello?
Hello, what is your name, sir?
It's, uh, Jason.
Jason, thank you very much for calling.
What is your vote?
Is it gonna be Bowie, or is it gonna be Madness?
I'd like to hear Madness, please.
Well done.
That's the correct vote.
That's a vote for my song.
Therefore, it's correct.
Thanks very much for calling.
And you win a copy of 12 Inches of the 80s, a brand new triple CD compilation of 80s 12 Inches.
Thanks very much.
There we go.
Thanks for calling.
Who's on line two?
Hello, speak please.
I think what we should do is there's a tiny bit of chaos on the phone lines.
So when I say please speak, if everyone who's holding on speaks, then one of you will be heard by London.
So who's on its caller?
Hello.
Hey, there we go.
What's your name?
Hayley.
Hello, Hayley.
Thanks a lot for calling.
What's your vote?
Is it going to be Andy Warhol or Michael Caine?
I feel like it has to be, Madness.
Oh, Hayley.
You really mean that, don't you?
Yes, it has to be.
You're a huge Madness fan, and you actually hate Bowie.
I've heard.
I'm not going to say that.
Don't say that, no.
But you're a big, big fan of Madness.
That's 2-1.
Thank you very much.
Hayley, you win a copy of those CDs.
Sort of bribery money there for Hayley.
It's 2-1 to Madness.
Cornish is in the lead.
Virtual Buxton appears to be losing.
Let's go to our next caller.
All callers speak now.
Hello, there we go, what's your name sir?
Patrick, hello Patrick.
Do you like the way I'm calling everyone sir?
That's good.
It's respectful, isn't it?
Patrick, you sound like a very serious and sober man.
Absolutely.
With quite serious taste in music.
Of course.
You don't sound like you're interested in the frippery of Madness' music.
Not at all, mate.
Not at all.
You sound like somebody who likes to listen to classic rock and might be voting for Bowie, am I right?
Nope, I'm going for Madness.
Whey!
Oh, so that's it, isn't it?
That's three out of five.
Patrick you're fantastic there we go that's it I've won Cornish wins I didn't even have to cheat and it leaves me with two copies of the 12 inches of the 80s to take home and give away to tramps and three copies to give away to our three listeners there Wow thank God we got through that because sort of a sort of a technical breakdown an extraordinary panic here in the XFM studio I wish you could have all witnessed that I've never seen work experience legs
Run so fast a work experience girl is gonna have such well toned thighs and bum cheeks Fantastic and for that very reason she can come back.
Thanks very much for listening.
I've been Joe Cornish next week Adams back.
I hope And that's it.
We're playing out with madness with my name is Michael Caine.
I'll see you next week.
Bye
I am Michael Caine.
Except useless paper and puts it in my pocket I'm trying very hard to keep my fingers clean I can't believe you tell me what's his name My name, Michael Caine And though I wanted what's happened I've fallen to ground, to keep my name And though I wanted what's happened I've fallen to ground, to keep
The sun is laughing, it's another broken morning I see a shadow and call out to try and warn him He didn't seem to be here, just turned away The quiet fellow follows, who points his fingers straight at you
You have to sacrifice his brightness And throw it all away
No, I won't take what's at work, I'll fall to ground to keep His face on the river, he walks round and round in circles There is no place he can ever call his home He sings the joke about the sound of the phone
I'm staring out the window, there's nothing we can ever do.
All he wanted was to ruin it.
He said he'd regret the fact that I hate this whole thing.