Yeah, I would have gone out with something punchier.
Just, you know, like a big shebang at the end there or a noise or something.
That record?
Yeah, yeah.
Are you busy just texting someone there?
No, no, just playing my Nintendo DS.
What's that?
It's the latest handheld portable console from Nintendo.
Follow up to the Game Boy.
It's got two screens and it's got a touch screen.
You can touch stuff.
Have you not seen the adverts on the telly?
No.
Sorry, forgive me if I'm a bit distracted.
It's just so much fun.
But you're 36.
Yeah, and so what?
Video games, man.
That's where it's at.
And the reason I'm playing it is because we got one to give away this week.
Have we really?
Yeah.
The brand new Nintendo handheld console.
It's not out until March the 11th, so actually quite soon, but it does cost £100 and you can win it for free, together with an amazing goody bag of PS2 games, all courtesy of BAFTA and the Video Game Awards, which were held this week.
Last week.
Yeah.
And I went there.
But, Ab, welcome back.
Thanks very much.
It was a difficult show last week, without you, for a bit.
And then suddenly you found it was much nicer.
Yeah.
Well, there you go.
How was the, er, how was the gig?
Cos, er, listeners might remember Adam last week was at, er, all tomorrow's parties at Camber Sands.
How did it go?
It was really good fun.
It was exactly like going back to university, erm, but just for three days, which is really the best way to go to university, as far as I can tell.
Cos you go there and you, it's like a holiday camp.
It's a Bucklins.
I think it's Bucklins.
So it is a holiday camp.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
Oh, you said it was like one.
Er, it's- it's the way young people speak, Joe.
OK.
Try and keep up.
OK.
And, erm, you go and you get a chalet and there's loads of, sort of, chalets all next to each other.
Well, it's like- it's exactly like student digs, basically.
Yeah.
Sort of big blocks of flats and you- you get your little four-room berth or six or eight.
Mm.
Depending on how many mates you've got.
Mm.
I only had two, but I had to get, erm, a four-room berth.
That was the smallest one I could get.
Mm.
And it's great, and then you sort of, you know, mosey on down to the, uh... You're playing your video game again, aren't you?
Yeah, but keep chatting!
No, that's okay, I'll just, uh, play a record.
Here's Thirteen Senses.
As LCD sound system Daft Punk is playing at my house.
There's Adam and Joe on XFM on a Saturday afternoon.
Don't forget you can text us 83XFM.
You can call us when the time comes on 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 or email us at adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
As I've already mentioned we've got an amazing BAFTA video game award goodie bag to give away with a Nintendo DS and
About eight PS2 games, all the latest games.
That will be winnable in the competition a bit later.
What else have we got, Adam?
That's it.
We've got Rolling Stones box sets for the winners of People Who Get Through on Ditties in the Dock.
That's right, and we've got- did you mention the tickets to Keen?
I did not.
Well, we've got two tickets to see the mighty Keen at the Islington Academy at the next exclusive XFM live session with James and Iris Whiskey on Tuesday the 8th of March.
So, listen, man, carry on telling us about all tomorrow's parties, and I'll keep my Nintendo DS switched off.
Um, are you- are you interested in All Tomorrow's Parties?
I am.
Yeah, I am.
No, you're not.
Well, I'm interested in any anecdotes, exciting things that happened.
Funny or amusing events.
I don't know if I can provide funny or amusing events from All Tomorrow's Parties.
It was just really good fun.
It was- I really recommend it.
It's, um... Did you sleep in one of those- in a chalet?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you share a chalet?
you went with?
Yeah.
Who did you go with?
I went with, er, with- well, it won't mean anything to anyone.
OK.
And, erm- Did they have- because I've heard they- they sort of piped the bands into the tellies and the chalets.
Did they do that so you can sit in your chalet and you can watch- No.
What's that- No.
No, that's not true.
I think what happens is that the- the band who are
curating the event, which this year was Slint, at least it was for this, and they got two festivals this year, I think Vincent Gallo is curating the next one.
Anyway, Slint curated this year's one, or this month's one, and they put special programs on one of the channels on the TV, there was a show about cane toads, and just lots of
weird rubbish.
I tried watching it, but to be honest, it wasn't a patch on ITV of a Saturday evening with You've Been Framed, which is now brilliantly no longer presenter-led.
Just got the voiceover from Harry.
Yeah, yeah, it is fantastic, isn't it?
How- why is it taking them so long to make that leap?
It is now the perfect program.
Wow.
That's a good Camber Sands anecdote.
Is that too much for your brain to handle?
No, not at all.
It just may be a reflection of all tomorrow's parties.
I thought you might have got really drunk and leapt off a chalet roof, cos often there's big riots.
Wasn't there famously a year when there were huge riots at Camber Sands?
when there were crazy things going on.
I hear stories of, you know, orgies in chalets, people jumping from roof to roof, chaos on the Ferris wheel, that sort of thing.
I think in the past, I think maybe when Mogwai looked after it, it was famously riotous.
So I thought something like that might have happened and I maybe wasn't expecting the viewing of You've Been Framed to be the top, you know, the top thing.
The viewing of You've Been Framed is always the top thing in any given situation.
That's very true.
And it's really very hard to compete with it when it's on form, which it was last weekend.
Yeah.
But no, it was.
All those things you mentioned were happening.
I don't believe there's ever been any rioting because it's a very well organised and enjoyable festival and rioting wouldn't be enjoyable.
Well, you know, rock rioting.
Not necessarily a riot of joy.
Pushing, you mean.
And happiness.
Some shoving.
Yeah.
And anarchic behaviour.
Well, there was a bit, but it was respectful, because it's a, you know, it's a respectful, liberal crowd there.
And it's just fun.
Yes, there was a great deal of sex and drug-taking and minor violence.
And yes, I did get involved with a great deal of that.
But mainly it's about the music, Joe.
The music, the music, the music, the music, the music.
And for me, it was all about seeing Spoon, my favourite band, who were amazing.
They were fantastic, on fire, on form.
To be honest, I didn't know any of the rest of the bands.
I knew about Slint.
but their music is like soundtrack music for horror films basically, very slow horror films where nothing really happens.
And, um, they were pretty good, though, I have to say.
The rest of it was all, like, Deer Hoof and, um, Polar Goldie Cats, Need New Body, Fawn Fables.
They were quite good Fawn Fables.
I'm not making any of these up.
These are real bands.
Wow.
Mighty Flashlight, The Red Nails.
You see, someone out there is probably thinking, yeah, yeah, why?
Don't you know about them?
They're wicked, you idiot.
You shouldn't be hosting a radio programme.
You should be digging ditches, you dick.
But, um, you know, what can I tell you, I've never heard of any of these people.
The naysayer.
Anyway, they were very good, and I had a great time.
Good.
Shall we play something by someone we have heard of?
OK, this is, um, the Psychedelic Furs.
And, uh, I was at another gig the other day, I was like, I've got a lot of gigs, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And Robin Hitchcock was playing, and he did a cover of this song, which is from an album that was really big when we were at school.
Do you remember the Psychedelic Furs, Mirror Loops?
Did you ever get that album?
Nope.
Are you sure?
I only really heard of the Psychedelic Furs when they were on The Breakfast Club.
Man, you had that album, you lunatic.
It was in your collection.
Really?
Yeah.
I remember.
I was just posing.
I know you were posing.
Let's hear it.
Well, I don't know why you would pose with this.
Check out the cheesy production on this bit.
It's a lovely song.
Psychedelic Furs, ghosting you.
That's The Killers, with all these things that I've done.
And that's taken from their album Hot Fuss, which is one of those albums that you should just have.
Although, if you don't buy it, they'll release every single thing on it as a single at some stage, so you could buy it that way and assemble it from the singles.
Don't forget we've got a Nintendo DS and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight PlayStation games to give away today.
We'll be doing that for our text competition, but first of all we're going to play Crap Commentary Corner.
It's time to call in, you could win something amazing, let us begin.
Can you guess which film we're playing By hearing what they're saying?
Crap commentary corner So, of course, this is the competition where you have to guess what movie this commentary is taken from and who's commentating.
So this time it's two voices, an actor and the director.
Should be quite easy if you've seen the film.
This was a very difficult crap commentary to put together because I had to lift a great deal of swearing out of it.
An incredible amount of swearing.
I think the most swearing I've ever come across in any film and any commentary ever combined.
But I'm saying too much.
So remember the numbers 0-8-7-1, 2-2-2, 1-0-4-9.
What's the prize for this?
The Keene tickets.
Two pairs of tickets to see Keene at the Islington Academy at the next exclusive XFM live session with Jameson Irish Whiskey on Tuesday the 8th of March.
So if you can guess who this is commentating on what film, call 0871 222 1049.
Here's the first clip.
Get hold of that, look.
Bang on.
Banging.
Slag.
Just love it though, look.
What a film, look.
Look at it, look.
Look.
Wallop.
Crash.
What a line of nut.
I love this, look.
Look at this, look.
It's me, look.
Love it.
Love it, look.
Bowling a bad white, giving it a biggin'.
Look at the swagger on it, look.
Look at the swagger.
It's just bang on this.
Tingles and everything.
I'm the man with the fingernail, look.
Love all this, look.
Get hold of that bosh.
Get hold of that crash.
He loves it.
Whatever it is, he loves it.
I love it.
Bish, bash, bosh, wallop.
Is that Vinnie Jones on the Friday Night Project?
It could be, couldn't it?
But thank the Lord, that hasn't been released on DVD yet.
Shall we have one more clip?
Don't forget 08712221049 if you want to win this ticket to see Keen.
Who is this commentating over what film?
Here's clip number two.
Look at that boat, look at it.
Oh, it's an old road, look.
I love it.
Look at her neck, look.
I know, an old goose.
It's an old goose neck.
He wants to get in her 80-year-old drawers.
What are you doing?
Do something, do something, do something funny, do something dirty, like swearing and that.
He's got a good bug that guy, hasn't he?
It's not a film noir.
Phil Morange.
Nice.
Nice to get a reference to Phil Morange.
He's got a good boat, that one.
Yeah, that boat's got a good boat.
What movie is that and who is commentating on it?
We really need the name of the movie and the two people commentating to win those tickets to Keene.
It's a yachting, some kind of yachting-based film.
because of the goat on the boat yeah they're talking about boats and and goats yeah some film with some sort of goat that sells a boat is it white squall no goats in that there's boats but no goats oh it's seven one two two two one of four nine to win tickets for keen
That's the Future Heads with Kate Bush's Hounds of Love.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We're playing Crap Commentary Corner.
This is the clip that you've had to identify who was speaking in it and what film they were speaking about.
Can we hear clip number two again, please, Adam?
Number two, you want?
Yes, please.
We've got two callers on the line, but if you just tuned in, this is what they're trying to guess.
Look at that boat.
Look at him there.
Look at that boat.
So Mel is on the line.
Hello Mel.
Speak to us please Mel.
Sorry Melissa.
Oh sorry Melissa, that's very rude of us.
Is it the football factory in Danny Dyer?
Yes but you need to have the third person.
There were two people speaking there.
Who was the other person speaking?
Oh, I don't know.
Oh, Mel.
You just leapt in there as well.
There was no kind of foreplay or anything like that, Melissa.
Didn't say hello.
You shouted at us for getting your voice wrong.
You screamed the answer.
It was very brutal.
Do you mind me saying that?
No, not really.
Cos I love you and, you know, it's just I haven't spoken to you for a while and suddenly you're just being very distant.
Sorry.
Are you angry, Melissa?
Are you in a hurry?
Are you busy?
I just pulled over on the motor, actually.
Well, there you go.
You're in that sort of 70 miles an hour frame of mind, aren't you?
Yeah.
Yeah, sorry, and we're expecting you to slow down, so that's wrong.
Well, do you want a pair of tickets to see Keen anyway?
That'd be lovely.
Shall we just tear a bit of one of the tickets off?
Cos she didn't get one of the names.
So you'll take a mate, but they won't get in and they'll be angry with you, and that'll be a small punishment.
You'll have to stand behind the very back of the venue and there'll be a really tall person in front of you, so it'll be slightly ruined, but you will get to see the gig.
Is that OK, Melissa?
Yeah, that's great, thank you.
Alright, thank you for calling.
You haven't got it totally right.
That's the right film, Football Factory.
The right actor, Danny Dyer.
So what we need now is Mike, who's on the other line, to complete the holy trinity of football violence.
Can I just say, it's an appropriate name.
Danny Dyer.
Because he is Dyer.
Well, I didn't say that.
I didn't say that.
Er, Mike, you on the line?
What kind of support is that?
I didn't see that.
Hang on, hang on.
Because I've seen Football Factory and I know what the consequences are of crossing anyone involved in it.
That's why.
Mike, you on the line?
Hi, I'm here, yep.
How you doing?
I'm fine, thank you, yep.
Do you agree with Melissa that, er, that that was Football Factory?
Yeah, I think Football Factory, yeah.
I've tried to watch it a couple of times and not got very far with it, I must admit.
Do you know what I'm saying by, by, you know, distancing myself from Adam's comments about Danny Dyer?
Well, um, I'm not too sure who Donnie Dyer is, really.
He's the lead actor!
Oh, you're- you're gonna get bashed up as well.
There's gonna be some lamping tonight, and I'm not gonna be involved.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that, yeah.
I need to know who the other actor is, though.
OK, who is it?
Er, Nick Love.
That's correct.
I think he's the director though, Nick Love, isn't he?
I think Nick Love's the director, Danny Dyer's the lead actor, Football Factory is the film.
Congratulations, Mike, you get those tickets to see Keen as well.
Excellent.
That'll be a good gig, courtesy of Jameson Arish Whiskey, the exclusive XFM live session Tuesday the 8th of March.
And yeah, Football Factory.
I've never seen a film with more swearing in it in my entire life.
And then when you watch the commentary and with the audio of the film under it, there's three or four layers
of swearing going on.
Sometimes the world's rudest four-letter words, four of them happening at the same time simultaneously.
It was amazing.
And you know what?
I think one of them slipped through in one of those clips in the background.
I heard the beginning of one of the efforts.
I had to work really hard to try and fish them out, but literally everyone is swearing all the time, quietly in the background, in the surround sound channels.
It's impossible to get the swearing out of it.
Some people love that kind of thing.
They do.
Is it a swearing classic, though?
I think it- well, I don't know.
Because to be a swearing classic, it's got to be watchable as well as sweary, surely.
What- what are other swearing classics?
Midnight Run, maybe?
Uh, well, uh, 8 Million Ways to Die, is it?
Or is it- Oh, yeah, no, I think it is a swearing classic.
And, uh- It is a swearing classic.
It's got some amazing swearing in it.
And the King of New York is kind of a swearing classic as well.
Yeah, with Christopher Walken, that's very true.
So there we go, that's crap commentary competition for this week.
Coming up later in the show, you've got a chance to win eight PS2 games and a brand new Nintendo DS handheld console, which is fantastic, I can tell you.
But right now, what's happening?
Oh, it's new music time, Joe.
And this is a band called Do Me Bad Things.
Oh, I hope they do do bad things to me.
Do Me Bad Things, that's not grammatical, but we will, you know.
And the song is called What's Hideous.
This is Adam and Joe on XFN.
you
Wowza.
Um, we shouldn't let the, uh, record before that slip by uncommented on.
Uh, what was it called?
Do Me Bad Things with What's Hideous.
Yeah, there you go.
That was bizarre, wasn't it?
It was a very strange record, but it's from, uh, it's from the label that gave the world the Darkness Must Destroy records, who are a fantastic label, they've got lots of good acts on there.
And, uh, certainly Do Me Bad Things, that was the weirdest thing I've heard in a while.
It was a sort of combination of Radio 2, Easy Listening Music and rock, wasn't it?
As if they'd discovered the two bits of music that hadn't yet been fused together.
Well, it was kind of- It was the same sort of thing that Outkast are doing, except whereas Outkast are approaching the whole thing from the hip-hop point of view, they're approaching it from the rock avenue.
That's my little 50 piece worth of subject.
It's good.
Thank you very much.
So, this week's text competition, we've got a bag of amazing goodies from the BAFTA Video Games Awards here.
I think eight different PS2 games, Halo 2, and a Nintendo DS, the new Nintendo Game Boy, with a touch screen and everything, worth a great deal of money.
All those video games and things.
OK, so what are we going to do for the competition?
Well, I wondered, Adam and listeners, if you've seen the new trailer for War of the Worlds, the new Spielberg Tom Hanks film.
Haven't seen it yet, no, very excited.
It's quite exciting.
I was watching it this week online, and it has Tom Cruise and little Dakota Fanning in a car driving away from a flyover that's being flipped up by a big alien.
And the chunks of the flyover are spinning through the air, crushing houses, and lorries are coming off the flyover.
It's very spectacular.
But it struck me that in blockbuster movies these days, there's only one incremental difference in each one.
Because I thought, well, I've seen trucks flying through the air in Twister.
I've seen flyovers being destroyed in Deep Impact.
I've seen people driving away from Oblivion in every single film.
So what's new?
It's basically just a permutation of stuff we've seen before.
And in fact, if you think about it, you can just name whole special effects films by their key special effects shots.
Like Paris and New York destroyed by meteors would be...
Erm, Armageddon.
Armageddon out of here, yep.
New York destroyed by a tidal wave.
Oh, I don't know.
Deep Impact.
Right.
Houses destroyed by flying cars and cows.
Twister.
So my question for you listeners is, can you think of a new effects shot that would blow everybody's mind?
Something that has never even been approached before, OK?
I had an idea, just to inspire people, and my idea is this.
I don't know what the film's called, er, but what happens in this film is another completely civilised planet, just like the Earth,
Earth comes flying towards the Earth and the two planets collide.
Maybe you could call it when worlds collide.
But it would be this amazing shot where you'd be looking at this other planet.
This shot would take about 15 minutes.
It would get closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and closer.
So it would go from just being a planet floating in space until you could actually see the buildings and the people on the surface.
And it would get so close that you were actually, the tops of the heads of people on Earth would be impacting with the tops of the heads of the people on the other planet.
Cars would be falling.
It would be incredible.
And the two planets would actually squash and crush together.
So yeah, they would be going slow.
They wouldn't be hurtling, though.
No.
It would just be the unstoppable force of... The inexorable approach of another whole civilized planet.
Wouldn't that be incredible?
And as they got very close, gravity would all screw up and things would be flying around.
It would be incredible.
It'd be like one of those amazing religious Armageddon pictures in the National Gallery.
That's a good idea, man.
You should do that.
But can you beat that for a special effects shot that if it appeared in a trailer, would have everybody shutting out their six quid?
text us 83XFM, email us adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk or if you've got a really killer idea, call us 08712221049.
What's at stake is a Nintendo DS, the brand new Game Boy from Nintendo, loads of PS2 games, Halo 2, it's a great prize.
What about this?
A boy is on a skateboard and he's listening to Green Day on his headphones, maybe on his iPod, and his headphones blow up.
And what happens is his head- his ears get burned.
I haven't thought that far.
That's a good opening shot, keep thinking.
OK, and he hits a pothole and the pothole blows up.
If you can beat that, it's gonna be tricky to beat that.
And his wheels blow up.
That's really good, text 83XFM.
And he's wearing shorts, his shorts blow up.
It's not good, Adam, it's not good.
Keep thinking, play around, keep thinking.
And his hair blows up.
Well that's quite good.
And his ears blow up.
This is, um, this is the Kingsbury Manx.
Did you understand anything of what Lila just said to us, Jo?
Yeah, Lila's just been explaining some of the amazing special effects shots that you've all been calling in with.
And yes, I did understand it.
That was a very good one.
Just came in on the phone.
Lots coming in by text as well.
We've been asking you to describe a special... It's a bit of a hit.
A special effects shot that we've never seen before.
Adam and I are making the point that in blockbusters these days, the special effects sequences are the same with one tiny permutation changed.
and we'd like to see a special effects sequence that's completely original.
And the person who comes up with the most original one is going to win a Nintendo DS, loads of PS2 games, Halo 2, all sorts of great things.
And the best way to communicate your idea, I suppose, is to email us.
Adam and Joe at xfm.co.uk.
Yeah, or text.
And if you do text, don't forget to put your name on.
We'll read out some of the best ones in a second, because there are some really, really good ones coming through.
I sound a bit like a patronising Peter presenter talking to children.
Really good.
Well done, Sally, in East Cheam, aged six.
Terrific idea.
Well, here's some more of your terrific ideas after a few ads and some more music.
Here on XFM, keep it boring.
That's a band called Franz Ferdinand.
Don't know if you might have heard of them.
Oh, it's a very good name for a band, isn't it?
And I've seen pictures of them and they're quite good looking and one of them's got a shirt and a tie and he's got cheekbones and I think they're gonna be quite big.
Them's the ones.
Yeah, I think every band that comes out from now on should be exactly like them.
I think it probably will be.
OK, good.
So, we've been asking you to text in your ideas for a special effects CGI sequence that has never been pulled off before, one that would be exciting and novel, unlike what they're currently sticking into our cinemas.
At stake is a Nintendo DS, the brand new touchable double screen Game Boy thing, and lots of PS2 and Xbox games and stuff, courtesy of the BAFTA Games Awards.
So, Adam Buxton, I'm going to read you some of these, and I want you to know your opinion.
As a moviegoer, a man who likes blockbusters,
I like a good special effect.
I abhor a bad one.
OK, well, let's see what you think of these.
Aliens suck up all of the Earth's oceans into a huge vessel of some kind, then use it to extinguish the sun.
Andrew from Durham.
That's good.
A massive, sharp alien ship cuts the Earth in half.
A second's pause, then the earth slides apart.
You know, almost like a decapitation that you don't realise it's happened until a second after.
yeah that's been done too much man that's okay i'm sorry marcus buxton doesn't approve of that it's like the bit in uh death ship or whatever it was called when they all ship they all get you know is that ghost ship oh yeah yeah yeah yeah no what's that called there's a whole dance floor and they all get sliced yeah that's not a space ah what's the random cable but that that whole vibe of people being sliced and then moments later you see them kind of sliding apart okay okay get this one a brewery is hit by a huge space chunk
and a tidal wave of intoxicating booze washes over the city, causing mass vomiting riots and drunkenness.
You could have Johnny Vegas as the space junk.
Yeah?
Do you like that one?
Yeah, that's possible.
You quite like that one?
Possible.
OK, the moon crashes into the earth, stopping it spinning.
This causes everyone to fall over for a moment.
Then God shows up to fix it all.
That's anything... I like God showing up to fix it all.
I don't like anything with God, because the casting... Can you imagine who they'll get?
It'll be Alan Rickman.
Brian Blessed.
Or Ricky Gervais.
Giant space fish alien swallows the earth.
That's a short, it's a punchy one.
Giant space fish alien swallows Earth.
I'm interested to see what's inside the fish alien.
Well, I haven't got into details.
OK, the moon crashes into the Earth, stops it from spinning, everything falls over from the momentum.
Oh, that's the same one as before.
Yeah, absolutely right.
OK, how about a rocket hitting the Earth, shooting all the way through, goes through the core and out the other side?
That's quite good, isn't it?
Like a kind of bullet through an apple.
Yeah, exactly.
Massive.
Well, yeah.
A living apple.
I think that's good.
I think that gets into, you know, what do you call it, the semi-final.
But why is that good?
Because it would just leave a massive hole.
Because I've never seen it before.
It would be amazing.
But what's wrong with the core?
The core, that's true.
It's very similar to the film The Core.
But, you know, except this guy's talking about a massive hole.
Yeah, yeah.
Fine, but the core is the same thing.
I like the idea of it punching up through the other side of the earth like a normal happy day in Australia and suddenly, bang, women, children, chairs, thrown into the air, Australians thrown into the air.
Yeah, I like that.
OK, here's another simple one.
Sandals, hair pieces and belt buckles being blown to oblivion.
Phil in Sutton.
I just thought he was very specific about what he'd like to see blown up.
Sandals, hair pieces and belt buckles.
He just wants to blow up Troy.
The film Troy, yes.
Well, that's fair enough, I understand, but I don't think that's going through to any kind of final.
Here's one for the Bridget Jones generation.
What about the world's famous landmarks being turned into chocolate and eaten by a giant woman?
Well, that will be made at some stage, I imagine, yeah.
There's so many of these, we have been inundated.
Those are some of the better ones.
Are we gonna pick a winner?
Let's pick a winner right now, come on.
Do you think?
Yeah.
I don't know, man.
You think we should pick a winner?
Give me one more track to pick a winner, because I have to look at some that have come through recently.
All right, here's the presidents of the United States of America.
Not the actual presidents, you understand, but a band called the presidents.
You know, I can see why you might be confused, but this song is called Love Everybody.
Wow, that's the Presidents of the USA with Love Everybody, and our producer Lila informs me that Blink 182, Joe, are splitting up.
I heard that, yeah.
Isn't that sad?
Yeah, and V. And V. Yeah.
Don't know who I'm more upset about.
Yeah.
Well, Presidents of the USA can step into the breach, the yawning chasm left by V and Blink 182, sadly, splitting up.
that's Lila whispering.
What's the point?
We can all hear you, Lila.
Just talk.
So you were talking about football earlier on, the football factory, the frightening world of the football factory.
And I always think as a kind of weed that football is just going to go away.
Slowly the weeds will take over and smother the footballs.
and the football will eventually go.
Because men and women really are becoming just one amorphous blob, you know, and I've always thought of football as being about maleness in some way.
Now I know I'm saying a lot of contentious rubbish here, but you know what I mean, Joe, as a fellow football phobe.
Yeah, neither Adam and I are keen on football.
We've got no disrespect for people who like it, but to me it seems as if they've been playing the same game, exactly the same game, over and over again for my entire life.
Half my problem with football, right, is just that my face is constantly shoved in the ball and the foot by everyone, and it's sort of accepted that, if you're a man especially,
You love football.
People ask you what your favorite team is, that kind of thing.
And it's always a bit embarrassing when you say, Well, to be honest with you, I don't have a favorite team because I don't like football.
I like sewing and flowers and leaves.
And so I can't speak to you.
Please don't hurt me.
That kind of thing, which happens to me a lot.
And an example of this sort of attitude is the Emirates.
Am I pronouncing that right?
Add, you know, Emirates Airways.
It says- and it's pictures of people playing football on a beach, all different nations, different types of people.
Lovely beach.
And the voice over says, we all speak the same language, football.
And that's their excuse for saying you should travel on Emirates to different countries, because you'll be able to go and play football with foreign people.
And I just feel annoyed by that.
I don't feel I speak the language of football at all.
The only language I feel that we all have in common, especially men, is the language of Onan.
And if there was something, you know, about that.
The language of Onanism.
Yeah, yeah.
I think there are other languages.
The language of video games, the language of telly, the language of films.
I don't speak the language of video games, really.
These are all conversations that you can just turn to a stranger and go, have you seen so and so?
That's the joy of football, isn't it?
You can just turn to a complete stranger and go, shoot a game last night.
And there you go, you're off.
That's the charm.
Same with video games.
Same with telly.
Same with movies.
Same with books, if you're in intellectual circles.
Same with onanism, if you're a member of a dirty club.
See, I believe that onanism is the only thing that you could spark up a conversation with.
So what would you turn to?
You'd turn to your neighbour and you'd say, in the language of onanism, have you played an enjoyable game of five knuckle shuffle recently?
And then they would be able to describe to you...
No, obviously if you said it in the wrong way, it could seem creepy.
But if you were just chatting about it, you could swap techniques, that kind of thing, and how long the onanism lasts, that sort of thing.
But even June Sarpong on T4 this morning was talking about the fact that people should log on to their website saying, if you love football and celebrities, and let's face it, who doesn't?
You know what I mean?
It's just that attitude.
Everyone loves football.
Everyone loves celebrities.
I don't love football.
I hate football and I don't love celebrities except some of the more attractive ones.
Wow.
OK?
Well, thanks.
Good.
I just wanted to get that off my chest.
Good, good, good.
Now, here's some celebrities that have been talked about a great deal and probably are partial to a little bit of onanism, I would imagine.
It's Supergrass.
Razor light.
They've got hair with attitude.
And that's called somewhere else.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Now it's time to bring our BAFTA video game award competition to a close.
Did I mention I went to the awards on Tuesday night?
Yes you did.
Was that enjoyable?
It was very enjoyable.
Who was hosting?
Er, Jonathan Ross.
Oh, yeah.
Off of the telly.
And, er, well, you know, I'm a big video game fan, and it was- it was great to set eyes on some of the people who are currently corrupting the youth of the nation.
Er, I have to say that Halo 2 didn't win much.
Half-Life 2 swept the board.
Does that mean anything to you, Adam Buxton?
I know the names of those games, but I don't know what they're like.
Well, Halo 2 completely swept the bo- no, sorry.
Half-Life 2 swept the board.
Halo 2 won only the best Xbox game.
Disappointing for Halo 2 fans.
Er, anyway, on exit, I was given this fantastic goodie bag.
full of video games and a Nintendo DS, and that's exactly what we've got to give away to you today, courtesy of BAFTA.
And we've been asking you for the most incredible special effects shot you can think of that would bring people back to the cinemas, and we've had an amazing response.
I think it's been the biggest response we've ever had to any competition here on the Adam and Jo radio show.
What do you think about that?
I'm knocked out.
It is extraordinary.
However, I don't think anyone's beat my one.
You're- just to remind people what yours was.
Yours was two- two, uh, Earth-style planets.
Earth and another, uh, inhabited planet.
Um, going towards each other fairly slowly.
Say, you know, only about six miles an hour, something like that, isn't it?
And they collide very, very slowly and gradually they squash each other so that at a certain point,
presumably the climax of the movie, you know, the tops of the buildings on the other planet are touching the tops of the buildings on our planet.
It's a good idea, man.
It's a good idea.
You should- you should- someone's gonna nick it.
Well, you know what, as Tom Drellwell in Ealing has emailed in saying, of course, there is a story called When Worlds Collide, which I knew is why I mentioned it, a novel from 1932 where a similar sort of thing happened, but I think that was a meteor-style thing.
I don't think that was an actual inhabited planet colliding with another planet.
But okay, we've whittled it down.
My two favourite are an evil villain rigs a bomb onto the London Eye and explodes it, dislodging it so it rolls through the surrounding buildings in London, taking them all out, crushing them until it comes to a stop and then spins round similar to a coin that has run out of energy.
You know, you think they'll never stop spinning.
That would be amazing, wouldn't it?
So many opportunities for dogs to almost be crushed and people to snatch them at the last minute.
That's right, you just leap between the spokes.
I went on the London Eye for the first time this week.
Wow.
And it was really good and actually, you know, that couldn't happen because they've got very good security on there.
I know.
It's like, you know, it's sponsored by British Airways and it's very much like taking a flight.
You have to be careful, no sharp objects in your bag.
I do wish they'd make it go really, really fast though, like at a fun fair.
You know, just as you're about to get off.
Hold Tech Raiders.
But that's a good idea, that is a good idea.
And I bet you someone's going to do that, surely.
That's the kind of thing that would turn up in a kind of sicko James Bond film.
And the other one I like is this one from John.
Er, sorry, the giant, the er, the London Eye one is from Colin in Gravesend.
And John has come up with a black hole appears near the earth and everything gets slower and darker.
Gravity starts to fail and buildings shake apart upwards into the sky.
I like that because I've just never seen things being sucked upwards.
in a film, like hoovered up.
Someone else had a giant straw, aliens with a giant straw sucking everything up.
There's a bit of hoovering upwards in, in sort of Twister films, you know.
Do you know what my problem is?
We've got so many entries I can't control them all.
My paperwork's gone haywire.
You weren't, you weren't equipped to deal with the incredible response.
I wasn't equipped.
Response, I know.
Wow.
I, I feel like giving it to the one with the straw, but I can't find it.
Oh, cockleshells.
Can I have one more chance?
I tell you what, next link I'll just quick, very quickly say the name of the winner.
And that'll be the whole thing over with.
And then we'll go into Ditty's in the Dock.
And Ditty's in the Dock this week is a play-off between, explain what this is, Joe.
Oh dear, well I tried to make this up last night but it's not very good.
Proto-white rap.
Okay, so in the early 80s when rap was just emerging in America, it was imitated by various, you know, rock bands.
who tried to integrate a bit of rap into their songs.
I'm thinking Ant Music, Adam and the Ants.
I'm thinking the Tom Tom Club.
I'm thinking, who else?
Have you got any other examples?
Well, I misunderstood.
I thought it was proto-rap full stop.
OK.
Let's have a talk about it and explain it properly when we come back.
Okie doke.
Until then, here's another free play.
This is Delacota.
as The Rock by Delacota.
It's very nice.
That's all I wanted to say.
OK, good one.
All right, so have you found a winner yet, Joe?
Yes.
Jenny Statham, you have won Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon 2, Burnout 2, Take Down Halo 2, Pro Evolution Soccer 4, Tony Hawk's Underground 2, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, the Grand Theft Auto soundtrack, Prince of Persia Warrior Within, Splinter Cell Pandora Tomorrow, a Nintendo DS with a free Metroid Prime Hunters demo.
What a goody bag.
That has got to be the best prize you've ever given away for anything in the world.
Or for coming up with a fairly straightforward idea of the London Eye being unhinged and then crushing London and spinning as if it's a coin.
You know, I just think that would be something people would want to see.
Yeah, definitely.
If it was done well, that would be a great bit in a film, I think.
And you know, I would have actually given it to the guy who had the aliens suck up everything with a straw, but I couldn't find it.
Well, I'm just being honest, but thank you for that was an overwhelming response.
And, you know, er, sorry, cos there are probably some, might possibly have been some better ones in there.
But never mind.
There you go.
It's Diddy's in the dock time.
Already?
Yeah, of course.
It's only 20 minutes left to the show.
Even less, in fact.
And just to remind you that this is the part of the show where we fight it out to see who will get to play the final song of our two hours here on XFM on a Saturday afternoon.
This week, the battle is between two songs that feature kind of rapping, but not intentional rapping as such.
Is that fair?
I don't know.
It's something like that.
It's proto-rap.
early rap, not by rappers but maybe by rock artists who tried to have a little go at rapping either when rapping was in its infancy or before rap had even emerged as an art form, a music form.
So you start off Adam, who've you got?
Hey can I just ask who won last week in the end?
That's a good question, I did.
Oh really, that's a big surprise.
Yeah, what, are you accusing us of cheating?
Yeah, yeah.
Do you think we fixed it?
I think because I wasn't there, you definitely fixed it.
Do you think maybe we forgot actually to get a hold of your record?
Do you think that could have happened and that you actually won but we didn't have the record so we had to sort of bend it because we didn't have your record?
I can't believe that would happen because... Wow, no, it's unfeasible isn't it?
So this week, shall I start this week?
Yeah.
This week I've got some Bob Dylan.
Now, it's often said about Bob Dylan that he was the godfather of rap in some ways.
I've even heard some rappers saying that, so it's not just the kind of thing that kind of middle-aged jerks like me say.
I am suggesting that you vote for a track called It's All Right, Ma.
I'm Only Bleeding, all right?
I'm Only Bleeding, right?
And it's an amazing sort of spoken poetry type thing.
Well, it's not.
It's just sort of incanted in this mesmerizing way by Bob Dylan.
It's one of the most extraordinary pieces of music that he did.
And I think you couldn't really fail to be impressed by it, even if you're not really a Bob Dylan fan.
It's fantastic stuff very long, so I probably wouldn't be able to play the whole thing, but it's all right ma I'm only bleeding is what I want you to vote for vote for Bob Dylan Okay, so it's gonna be Bob Dylan versus and once again.
I went through quite a lot of rejected records to get here I was gonna choose to really annoy you Adam Buxton said the SIDS not rap by Kenny Everett I've even burnt it onto that CD, but I listened to it and it stinks.
It's absolutely worthless and unlistenable and
Even though Kenny Everett was a genius.
But so instead, I've chosen Blondie with Rapture.
Very obvious choice.
Debbie Harry, of course, doing some very early rapping.
One of the first white rock stars to hear rapping in New York and try and copy it.
She has a pretty good go and she does well in some parts and badly in other parts.
But the groove she's rapping over is fantastic.
It's a very famous record.
So there you go.
So this week's Ditties in the Dock is Bob Dylan with Bob Dylan with It's Alright, Ma, I'm Only Bleeding versus Blondie with Rapture 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 and 5 it's gonna be the best of 5.
We've got two sets of the Rolling Stones singles to give away It's it's a lovely chunky box full of every Rolling Stones single between 68 and 71 very valuable prize I think it's actually worth 40,000 pounds.
That's amazing
It is amazing.
So there we go, actually it's probably worth about £10, £20.
But there we go, 08712221049 Blondie or Dylan, give us a call.
Don't look at me that way.
It was an honest mistake.
All right, The Bravery, calm down.
Don't take it personally.
So that's The Bravery, yeah?
So listen out for them.
They're gonna be big this year.
They're gonna be huge.
You heard it here on XFM.
They were on the Friday Night Project, weren't they?
Were they?
All the big bands are going on the Friday Night Project, which gets double the ratings of Nathan Barley.
Did you know that?
Double the ratings, even though it's on afterwards.
And it's possibly not as good.
I don't know if anyone else thinks.
There we go.
This is Adam and Joe coming up to the last nine minutes of our show.
It's Ditties in the Dock.
Are we gonna have the jingles?
Oh, yeah, a bit of jingles.
Well, we had a little bit of time, so I thought I'd just... I just wanted to say one thing.
This is just a little thing that's been bugging me.
You know The Boogie Man?
The new film Boogie Man?
Yeah, The Boogie Man.
For 15 years, everyone told me there was no such thing as The Boogie Man.
Well, that's cos there isn't.
It's a bogey man.
Like bogeys.
Boogie.
Suddenly he's transformed into like a bogeyman.
Well, it's an American thing anyway, isn't it?
Nobody has the bogeyman in Britain, do they?
No one's parents say anything about the bogeyman.
I might be wrong, but I think even the Americans called him the bogeyman.
I think it's because there was already a film called the bogeyman.
Oh, there's a fantastic film called the bogeyman involving a smashed mirror and shards of it that end up in people's faces.
No, you know, as I say...
an American out there might like to correct me but I believe the bogeyman has just been created not to conflict with bogeys and instead we've got this you know big bogeyman going around with a big afro so you think it might have been called the bogeyman the bogeyman in America and they might have put an extra o for the British market so it's not confused by some sort of snot peddling horror monster yeah they're not gonna call him the booger man the booger man
but no because you know Raymond Briggs has got the fungus the bogeyman as well as the other thing but it's the bogeyman the guy under the bed that you're frightened of is the bogeyman not the bogeyman the bogeyman is I don't know Robbie Williams or someone like that
It's just that, you know, I was just a little worried about the boogie.
Well, well done clearing that up.
Thanks very much.
This is Diddy's in the Dock this week.
It's proto-rappers, white rockers who got caught by the rat bug either before it existed or after.
We've got Bob Dylan versus Blondie.
Blondie with Rapture and Bob Dylan with...
It's all right, Ma.
I'm only bleeding.
The last two callers who come through are going to win the Rolling Stone Singles collection.
We're doing that because you've only been given two copies, but it's a fantastic collection there, available in the shops probably sometime now.
Sharon is on the line.
Hello, Sharon.
Hi.
How are you?
I'm good, thanks.
Good.
I love you, Sharon.
Aw, you're so sweet.
Thanks very much.
So, Sharon, who are you voting for?
oh yeah do you know you know the track i'm talking about presumably don't you yeah and it's quite a lot to bob i have a good day to bob why do you owe a lot to bob because he was the original gangster rapper and if it wasn't for him i wouldn't have seen 50 pence last year at redding getting bottled off the stage
Really?
Were you throwing bottles at 50 Cent?
I wasn't, I wasn't.
Oh, well that's amazing.
You're a human tribute to the evolution of rap.
Yeah.
That's one nil to Adam.
Thanks very much, Sharon.
James, hello James.
Hello.
How are you doing?
I'm all good, thank you.
How are you?
Well, we're okay, thank you very much.
James, you sound a little bit louche.
You sound as if you're sitting in your easy chair smoking a cigarette with a large cravat whilst reading some rather witty poetry.
That's uncanny, I can't believe she's... I'm going to be doing the same thing myself later this afternoon.
James, who are you going to vote for?
Uh, Dylan, please.
Dylan!
It's 2-0 to Buxton!
Thanks very much for your call, James.
Dylan's wiping the floor with Harry and Blondie and Rapture.
I've got a feeling you might claw a little... Do you think?
Do you think this is a false... a false start?
A red herring?
I just know the way our producer Lila takes the call this time around.
She's looking flabbergasted at the such cheek.
Come on, then.
Looking vilified.
Mark, are you there?
Yeah mate.
Hey Mark, how are you doing?
Not bad, not bad.
Are you Cochin?
Yeah man, just chilling.
Are you?
Good man.
What's Cochin?
Cochin just means chilling.
Wow.
So Mark, what are you voting for?
Let's have a bit of rapture please mate.
A bit of rapture?
Well done, the tide may be starting to turn.
That's 2-1 still to Buxton.
From James in his easy chair to Mark with his barrow down the market.
Yeah.
Selling cockles and being cheeky.
He voted for rapture.
I don't think Mark's selling cockles.
But he's probably selling something, and I'll have a bit.
Thanks very much for calling Mark, we do appreciate that.
Steve, are you on the line?
Yes I am, how you going?
Very well Steve, you realise being up an ultimate caller you've won the Rolling Stones single, 68-71, is that something that makes you happy or will it go straight on eBay?
That's perfectly happy, very happy, yes, thank you very much.
Good man, well that will be coming to you.
And what's your vote, is it going to be Dylan or Blondie?
Only because you get Bundy every day on the radio, it's got to be Dylan Ooh!
Well that's it, isn't it?
Well what about Marnie?
Who was on the fifth line?
Who's going to win the other Rolling Stones thing?
Marnie, are you there?
It's Moot I'm here Marnie, what's going on?
Who are you going to vote for?
Well, it had to be Dylan, because Adam sold it really well, plus the blondie wrapping is really, really bad.
Can I win the Rolling Stones thing?
Yeah, you can.
Because I've been on once before, and you gave me a really rubbish book of hair.
Book of hair?
I remember that, yeah!
so bad and you were so- you were really embarrassed to give it away.
Well, at least you got it.
Most people don't get their prizes.
That's not true.
That's not true, Lila.
I'm sorry.
Since then, Lila has really pushed out of the boat on the prize run.
We get amazing prizes now on the show and that's all thanks to Lila's diligent work.
And, uh, well that's- that's great money.
That's a wash over.
A wash over?
For, uh, for Bob.
A wash out, a wash out, a white wash, a walk over.
All those things.
A wash white over.
A slap in the face to Cornish.
A slap in the face to Blondie because I mean basically it is a good track and I know what you mean about it being groovy and all that stuff but it may as well be John Barnes doing the rapping on there.
It's just atrocious stuff.
So anyway, I guess I won't be able to play the whole of this but I'll get as much in as I can.
It's Bob Dylan with It's Alright and Why I'm Only Bleeding and thank you very much for voting for that and thanks for listening to the show.
We'll see you next week.
Bye.
At the same time, bye.
Darkness at the break of noon Shadows even the silver spoon The handmade blade, the child's balloon Eclipses both the sun and moon To understand you know too soon There's no sense in trying
Pointed threats they bluff with scorn Suicide remarks are torn from the fool's gold mouthpiece The hollow horn plays wasted words Proves to warn that he not busy being born is busy dying
Temptations page flies out the door You follow, find yourself at war Watch waterfalls of pity roar You feel the moan, but unlike before You discover that you'd just be one more person crying So don't fear if you hear A falling sound to your ear
It's alright, Ma, I'm only sighing
As some warn victory, some downfall, private reasons, great or small, can be seen in the eyes of those that call to make all that should be killed to crawl, while others say don't hate nothing at all except hatred.
Disillusion words like bullets bark As human gods aim for their mark Make everything from toy guns that spark To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark It's easy to see without looking too far That not much is really sacred
Our preachers preach of evil fates Teachers teach that knowledge waits Can lead to hundred-dollar plates Goodness hides behind its gates But even the President of the United States Sometimes must have to stand naked And though the rules of the road have been lodged
It's only people's games that you got to dodge And it's alright, ma, I can make it
Advertising signs that con you into thinking you're the one That can do what's never been done, that can win what's never been won Meantime life outside goes on all around you XFM