Oh, dear.
Sorry, I was just logging on to the e-mails, checking the e-mails for the week.
That's Joe Cornish logging on.
Speaking of Joe Cornish speaking, and I accidentally hit the microphone with the corner of my headphones.
I'm very sorry.
Still, that's something to tell the kids one night.
It's the kind of thing that goes on in here.
It's really off the wall.
Yeah, for the next one hour, 55 minutes, pretty much anything could happen, cos Adam and Joe are in the house.
We've got, like, 10 million e-mails.
Well, that's fantastic.
We really do.
Keep them coming.
Great to be here.
It's a lovely, lovely day.
It's the beginning of spring, isn't it, basically, Joe?
I don't understand.
Nobody ever used to be this interested in us or our show.
Well, man... What's going on?
It's exciting.
It's all happening.
We're big.
We're very big.
Maybe it's one insane listener.
It's just big.
And it's so big I'm going to play the jingle.
That sounds interesting Let's talk about it I always enjoy our little chats
I never know what you'll say Did you see that dirty film with songs in?
If you ask me it's just soft for porn I'm not sure about that new TV show Did you see that thing for charity?
It was funny and they pledged money
It's like a manifesto in song form.
It is.
Alex Zane has left a little bit of tissue covered in bits of blood on this deck.
That's because he was playing Andrew WK at the end of his show there and he got overexcited.
He's a bit manky.
If only women out there think he's sexy, he's actually a bit manky.
That's what they like.
That's what they find sexy.
Yeah.
He's got a sexy musk about him.
Good show, though, Alex.
Thank you very much to you and your team.
We never thank Alex enough, I feel, and he always does a good job.
I'm not even sure you were listening.
I was, I was.
Yeah, it was very good.
And it's really very good to be here this week.
We've got lots to talk about, usual kind of competitions.
We've got celebrity regression therapy this week.
making a comeback, taking a break from, um, a crap commentary corner for- for a week, and we've got a fairly easy celebrity regression therapy.
That's a bit later on this hour.
Also, a few things I certainly want to talk about.
Um, did you watch, uh, Red Nose Day yesterday?
I don't necessarily want to talk about it very much, but just interested to- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think most- most of us listeners as well would've- would've watched a little bit of it.
I watched some of the Little Britain, uh, special.
Yeah?
Mmm.
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
It's amazing, isn't it?
It just makes- seems to render everything unfunny.
I thought Steve Coogan was quite good.
But every time you sort of build up a laughter role, you get a film about suffering.
Yeah, that's true.
And it stops you from feeling funny.
I mean, you turn over, though, don't you?
What, during the films about suffering?
Yeah.
Yeah, I could- Or send the volume down.
I was- actually had- didn't have the energy to actually raise my hand off the sofa.
So you saw some suffering?
I saw some suffering.
Wow, well done.
And it- just the other thing about chronic relief, it seems to me they're trying to do much.
Er, do much, do too much.
They should target the- the aid.
It seems to be Africa, Britain, it's just everywhere, everywhere, they're helping everybody.
Well they were specifying Africa and Britain yesterday.
Why spread it so thinly so wide?
Why not just target ten people and really change their lives right around palaces, limos, sexy prozzies, all the trimmings.
So that's like the lottery though.
Yeah.
I'm suggesting a lottery.
Yeah.
that people donate to.
However, I- I thought it was one of the better comic relief years.
I thought it was really funny, lots of good stuff in there.
Ricky Chabais was funny if- Steve I didn't see that with Bowie.
Ricky Oh, no, I didn't see him with Bowie.
Was he with Bowie?
Steve Apparently David Bowie was making a small appearance just to come here.
No, I just saw a little video diary with him being, uh, cynical and pretending that he'd gone to New York on the money that they'd- anyway.
It was good, though.
And I- I did enjoy it and I pledged some money.
So there you go, I feel quite good about myself.
Um, and, uh, other things I want to chat about this week.
Uh, obviously the crazy frog censorship scandal.
Yes.
We should touch upon, as it were, and Jamie's Kitchen.
Have you watched Jamie's Kitchen?
Yeah, I have.
You don't sound happy about it.
No, I quite like it.
It's quite good.
I was quite surprised.
We're talking about it later though, right?
Yeah, we're going to talk about it later.
And, er, I know this is the kind of thing that makes you, erm, upset, Joe, because everyone's been talking about it, but nine songs I really want to just chat about generally.
Right.
I don't have any specific acts to write.
That's the song about shagging and listening to music.
Yeah, the dirty film.
The Michael Winterbuttocks film.
Anyway, music now by, er, Caesars, and, er, you can find this song on an advert.
We'll see you next week.
Bye!
Dude, that's Phantom Planet with California.
It's from the O.C.
Do that.
Dude.
O.C.'
's awesome.
I don't understand about Phantom Planet.
I know Jason Schwartzman, star of Rushmore and I Heart Huckabees.
I Heart Huckabees.
Used to be their drummer.
I don't think he is anymore, but he pops up on some of the videos.
Is he even on the video for that song?
No, he's not, is he?
Wrong.
Well, if just something that's got sick, something that's got stuck.
Speaking of feeling sick and sexy, um, I'm going to go and see Nine Songs later on.
Now, Nine Songs is Michael Windy-Buttocks's film about, uh, the two people who go and have, uh, see concerts, don't they?
And then they have sex, and then they see concerts, and then they have sex, and it's only 60 minutes.
Is it?
It's under an hour, I do believe, yeah.
And, uh, I think the woman in it, is she quite sexy?
The poster's very sexy.
Yeah.
Yeah, she's lying on her back.
What, her willy?
Or his one, yeah.
His one.
No, the poster is quite sexy.
And, uh, but I don't like the look of it.
Why?
Because I just want to fast-forward through the songs.
Ooh.
Well, you see, I'm, uh, I'm just going to be fast-forwarding through the sex jokes.
I want to see the knockout performances by Franz Ferdinand.
You want to see the knockers-out performances by the lady.
And, uh, super furry animals, etc.
You want to see her super furry animal and her knockers-out performance.
Yeah.
Now, I'm quite excited to see it.
Really.
Don't you think the problem, and listeners, you might want to contribute to this, remember, you can text us 83XFM, email us, Adam and Joe at XFM.co.uk.
I don't like seeing dirty films in the cinema.
Do you not?
It's just uncomfortable.
It's physically uncomfortable.
Because you can't- I can't pleasure myself if I want to, and it just seems out of context.
My guess is the cinemas will be fairly empty for nine songs, but then it'll fly off the shelves on DVD.
Like that film, Secretary, about the kinky secretary.
That stayed in the DVD charts.
It's still in the top ten, isn't it?
It's been out for two years.
Has that got some worthwhile film?
I don't know, haven't seen it, but everyone's buying it because it's got a bum and legs on the front.
What's your favourite worthwhile film?
Like, best sex scene in a film that you actually watch the whole of?
The Lover, Jane Marsh.
The Lover?
Yeah.
Is that actually good?
Well, she's sexy and it's sexy.
I tell you the director's technique for making it sexy, he made- it's directed by Jean Giacomo, the French guy.
Yeah.
Who made the bear and various other bits of nonsense and, uh, did he do Name of the Rose?
I think he did Name of the Rose.
Did he?
That's got a good sex scene.
That's got a very good sex scene, but in The Lover,
He got her to sound like she was very aroused by running round and round and round and round the building before the scene started.
So she was just out of breath.
So he was chasing her.
See, that was my out of breath sound, but it also sounded a bit sexy.
Very arousing.
So basically he just chased her and she was so frightened she was constantly running away.
I'm not sure who felt the necessity to chase her, but she definitely ran round the building.
Name of the Rose I would recommend to anyone who hasn't seen it.
Not only as a good film, but as a very saucy scene that stands up today.
Yeah, they're a bit stinky and dirty in Name of the Rose.
I don't mind that.
Dirty old Christian Slater as a dirty old monk and a- With a big tall patch shaved in his head.
I don't know, that's how she speaks I think.
Yeah, you're not impressed by that.
It is quite good.
Yeah, it is quite good.
And have you seen, um, is it, what, Nick Park?
Ken Park?
T-Tommy Park?
Ken Park's fantastic.
Yeah, that's a Larry Clark film, but you can't get that legally in the UK.
You have to get it on an imported Russian DVD.
Ooh, Russian.
Yeah, yeah.
And is it a good film, though?
Er, it's a terrific film.
What's it about?
I wouldn't say it was sexy.
It's about, er, it's sort of a portmanteau film, portraits of, er, skate kids.
A group of skate kids.
A portmanteau?
Yeah.
It's good, though.
It's more troubling than arousing, but it's brilliant.
Like most of Clark's films.
I think Clark's a bit of a genius, apart from that one he made with James Woods, which is a stinker.
What was that one?
Er, James Woods, Melanie Griffith, Some Kid's Bum.
That's all I remember.
Was it called Some Kid's Bum?
It might be called Some Kid's Bum.
Can't remember what it's called.
Well, anyway, I'm very excited.
If anyone wants to come and see Nine Songs With Me this afternoon, they're welcome.
I'm really excited.
What sort of freak would take up that invitation?
A girl.
That's what I'm hoping.
OK, sorry about that.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
I wanna cry.
Oh, that's a little taster of something coming up later on.
Wow.
Did you recognize that, Joe?
Yes, I did.
OK, well, that's a tease.
What's on Capitol?
What is on Capitol?
Not anything like that.
This is Adam and Joe.
We'll be back in a second.
Oh, that's the bravery with an honest mistake.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We've got, uh, first competition coming up very shortly, and it is gonna be celebrity regression therapy.
What have we got to give away as prizes this week, Joe?
We've got copies of The Motorcycle Diaries.
Oh, that's good, isn't it?
Haven't seen it.
Yeah, I haven't seen it either, actually, yet.
Supposed to be good.
Supposed to be terribly good.
And it's got, you know, a couple of guys on a bike pretending to be an airplane.
Let's nick one.
I've got it already, to be honest.
Have you?
Yeah.
I might nick one.
I haven't got round to watching it.
Well, I hope, you know, if no one gets it right, the competition, I'll nick one.
And then for Diddy's In The Dock, towards the end of the show, er, all the callers who get on air will win a copy of Screenwriters Masterclass, which is a book in which famous screenwriters talk about their greatest movies and the writing of them.
All that seems to include Rushmore, so it'll have a Wes Anderson bit.
Look, it's got good people.
It's got, er, Three Kings and Election.
That's Alexander Payne.
Er, Three Kings directed by?
Oh, Jimmy the Hoover.
Jimmy the Hoover, exactly correct.
Erm, what... Teddy Russell.
Yeah.
David O, that's right.
David O Russell, there you go.
Er, yeah, that sounds like a good book.
Erm, now, Joe, have you seen on TV an advert for a magazine called Full House?
Yes, I have.
Er, and it appears to have the song Our House by Madness
rejigged to include lyrics specific to this new magazine.
And what's more, it seems to be sung by Suggs himself.
What?
If you haven't heard it, here's his little earth match.
Full House It's a magazine that's new Full House With true life stories just few Full House It's got top celebrities Full House
and puzzles, all for 40 pay, soul house, etc, etc.
That's extraordinary, isn't it?
Wow.
That's depressing though, don't you think?
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not all for, you know, I'm not bothered about selling out.
We did our best to sell out a number of times, um, but I just feel bad for Suggs and surely, you know, I'd pay for him to
Put on some gigs and stuff Well, you know what the biggest upset about that is it's that that's genuinely a good song that for me personally is meaningful Yeah from a meaningful time in my life.
And now it's the song that's being that's the song that's being sold out Isn't it by Suggs not vice-versa?
Yeah in my point of view.
I don't mind what Suggs does He was on that channel 5 karaoke show wasn't he for years and years and years.
That's right That was enough to strip him of and he didn't know any glamour or dignity but the song was still standing strong and
I mean, I'm sure he doesn't care, and I'm sure there's lots of people moaning at him about it, but still, that's a bit low, isn't it?
It'll be a whole generation of kids who won't know the original lyrics.
They'll just know it's a magazine full of celebrities and chat.
And prizes you can win.
I was thinking of other Madness songs, maybe, that are gonna get turned into adverts.
Maybe if people have got any ideas for...
uh, adverts that Madness could do.
They could, uh, email them to us or even phone us and sing them down the line.
0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 is the number to call.
And the email address- Ricky and Steve singing.
Ricky and Steve singing.
Tampax, they call it Tampax.
It's small and discreet, giving you confidence in the street.
Tampax, Tampax, they call it Tampax.
And the people from Tampax might like to get in touch with me about that because I think that's a very good idea and me and Suggs maybe could collect the money.
But Joe, you know, just in case anyone
thinks that we're being a bit snooty about this.
As I said before, we have done our best to sell out in a similar sort of way.
But we don't have the back catalogue, obviously, that Madness do, so for us it's a bit more difficult.
But we did a song called The Robert De Niro Calypso on the Adam and Joe show.
His name is Bobby, ah, Bobby De Niro, ah, et cetera, et cetera.
And when we were approached by the people at Crunchy to maybe do a new jingle for them years ago,
that was where we started and do you remember that yeah i've tried to forget it come on then you're gonna play it aren't you yeah let's get this over with here it is i wanna crunchy delicious and munchy honey comes so appealing gives me that friday feeling i wanna cry
Well, no surprises, they didn't use that one then.
No, they passed on that.
And if you don't know our original Robert De Niro song, that'll be sort of meaningless, but it was a good attempt, wasn't it?
Yeah, if you don't know our original Robert De Niro song, then I urge you to go out and buy the Adam and Joe DVD, and you'll find it on there.
Listen, Dirty Scenes, do you mind if I interrupt with Dirty Scenes?
People have been texting hand over, not necessarily fist, hand over something they've been texting in.
We've had cruel intentions, which is correct.
There's a fantastic bit of, I don't know how accurately I can describe this in the daytime families.
Les Bojesness.
No, it's not Les Bojesness.
It's a man standing opposite a woman and then kneeling down.
Very suddenly.
Er, and then, so that's good, I agree, cruel intentions, and it's what, it's what's his face, er, blonde fella, what's his name?
Er, Ryan Felipe.
Ryan Felipe, that's correct.
Sex and Lutea, apparently, I haven't seen that.
Have you seen that?
You like Tinto Brass.
Oh, yeah, no, I- And his big-bottomed ladies.
Big bottom, I haven't seen that one, no, I'm up for that.
Might go and purchase that this afternoon.
Er, Betty Blue is another nomination.
Of course, a very exciting scene with the lady with the huge jugs at the beginning.
And Bound, if you like, sort of slightly grotty, tattooed lesbians.
Bound is a good one, yeah.
You'll be excited here, Adam.
You've had two offers to go and sing nine songs with you.
Fantastic.
First of all, from, er, Charlie Burn.
who was born in 83, that makes her 22, and she wants to see it with you, and she's given you three X's, three kisses there, and a slightly less appealing one has come in by text.
If you want to text us, you text 83XFM.
She's messing around with my text there.
Who's the lesser peeling one?
Well, I was just about to justify that by reading it out, but someone's just meddling with my mouse.
What was it?
It says something like, I will go see, uh, Nun's songs.
Oh, there we go.
I'll see, letter C, nine songs with W-I-V-U-O-O-O-N from Croydon.
Which I think is probably quite an old bloke.
OK, well, we've got competition time coming up very shortly, so stay tuned.
Right now, here's feeder.
That is Fedor.
So this week it's the return of celebrity regression therapy for just one week only, probably.
While crap commentary corner takes a bit of a well-earned rest.
And Joe, shall we begin?
I'm going to be, well, would you like to explain?
Why not?
Yeah, I'm going to, I'm of course a trained hypnotherapist.
I'm going to regress Adam into a hypnotic state where he's going to enter the mind of a famous actor or actress.
I will then proceed to progress him into three of their films.
So he'll wake up and he'll actually believe he's in those films and he'll describe what he sees around him.
You listeners have to tell us who's
brain he's been regressed into and which films he is witnessing.
So stand by your phones, 0 8 7 1, 2 2 2, 1 0 4 9.
Is this the motorcycle diaries we're giving away?
Yes, we're giving away the motorcycle diaries.
Uh, you might get one copy.
If we really like you, you might get two copies.
I don't know.
We got three copies to give away, so I don't know quite what happened.
And if you get it wrong, we'll pay for you to go and see Hitch.
OK.
What?
Is that a prize?
Uh, smack in the face.
Like a punishment.
That's what I said.
OK.
So, 087-122-1049.
Uh, OK.
Here we go, Adam.
Are you ready?
I am.
Just relax if you want to do this as well, listeners.
Just take a deep breath.
Expand your stomach.
Remember you breathe through your stomach, not through your chest.
Push the stomach out and all the way in.
Let all that wind escape.
Just really relax.
And now I want you to drift back.
I want you to drift back to your fourth birthday, your third birthday, your second birthday, your first birthday.
You're back in the womb.
And now I want you to take yourself into the brain of a mysterious random actor or actress.
and when I say wake up you will be in one of this actor actresses films wake up tell us what you see
I'm flying.
I'm on a- I'm on a plane.
On my way to record a new album.
And I'm drunk.
I'm a drunk, drunky drinking man, and I love to drink.
In the seat behind me is one of my crazy drunk drinking buddies.
It's Billy Idol!
No, this isn't the wedding singer.
What do you mean I'm giving it away?
Why don't you tell someone who could give you a sandwich?
I'm going to my trailer, which incidentally is too tiny and badly decorated, you knocker!
Okay, just breathe, just breathe, take a deep breath.
Stay calm, take a deep breath, remember, 08712221049.
We've got a brand new phone system, so call as soon as you recognise the film and the actor.
Let's take Adam into another film, a second film, a different film.
Wake up, tell us what you see.
Oh freaks, freaks, I'm surrounded by hideous freaks.
I'm in McFly!
No, no, I'm joking!
I'm in a deeply flawed but oddly compelling horror fantasy, and I'm dissatisfied with the director!
I'm gonna fire him!
And I can because I'm inexplicably powerful, do you hear me?
Inexplicably!
Now I'm off to watch a piano recital given by one of my enormous co-stars and his miniature friend!
Okay, just breathe, just breathe.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
The second you realize who Adam has been regressed into and which films, let's take him to a third film.
Tell us what you see.
Oh, I'm in disguise.
I'm in an amazing disguise, and I'm unrecognizable from my usual situation.
And now I'm going to shoot some people with my ultra-modern gun.
And that's going to be exciting because of my amazing disguise.
The guy's powers and my acting range and the pounding techno music soundtrack of this brilliantly exciting modern film.
What do you mean it's not exciting and modern?
I'm gonna shoot you, you fruit basket!
I can do what I want because I'm powerful!
Get out of the way, you knocker!
You're fired!
Get me flapjacks!
I want fingerpads!
I'm powerful!
Just breathe, just breathe.
Try and relax, Adam.
Come on, try and relax, relax, relax, relax, relax.
OK, Adam's going to stay in a regressed state.
We need you to call 08712221049 the second you recognize who that is.
Well, it's too late now if you haven't.
Is anyone calling?
Yeah, we have some callers.
OK, 08712221049.
Adam will remain regressed.
We'll come back to the phones right after this.
XFM.
And you join us midway into celebrity regression therapy quiz.
Adam has been regressed into the mind of a famous actor or actress.
He has witnessed scenes from three of their films.
And we have two listeners on the line who think they know who the actor is and what the films are.
When you speak to us, please keep your voice low.
Adam is in a regressed state.
If he is disturbed, you know, in the wrong manner, he could be traumatized mentally.
for life.
OK, do we have Pete?
Hello, Pete.
Good afternoon, X. Pete, just be a bit calmer with your voice, Pete, OK?
This is a clinical environment.
Thank you.
Now, Pete, tell us which star you think... Wait a second.
I want you to say the name of the star who you think Adam is.
If you're correct, Adam will wake up.
If you're wrong, he will stay regressed and you may have actually damaged his brain.
Article.
Pete, please say the name of the actor you think it is now.
Jim Carrey.
Oh dear Pete, what did you think the films were?
Airplane, Living Dead, The Terminator.
Okay, does it matter that Jim Carrey isn't in any of those films?
Isn't he in Airplane?
No.
Okay.
What was the second one?
Night of the Living Dead?
Living Dead, yeah.
Which Living Dead?
There's many different versions, different remakes.
Any specific one?
The first one.
The original black and white 60s one when Jim Carrey would have been about 12.
Would have been about 12.
Not in that one.
What was the third one?
Terminator.
Tell us what Jim Carrey did in the Terminator, Pete.
Wasn't he the boy on the bike?
Oh, that's Edward Furlong, wasn't it?
Wasn't it, Pete?
Pete?
Pete, listen, what'd you do for a living, mate?
Mmmm.
Get a lot of work?
Er, say a bit.
Yeah.
Pete, that's kind of very, very wrong, but well done for being so amazingly wrong.
OK.
Thank you very much for calling.
Er, yeah, I tell you what, shall we give him a copy of The Motorcycle Diaries anyway?
And just study the cast list at the end and make sure, you know, maybe just put the names to the faces and everything.
Pete, thanks so much for calling.
We're going to give you a copy of The Motorcycle Diaries anyway, just to help with your brain.
Do we have Zeb on the line?
Hello, Zeb.
Yeah, hi.
My name's Joe, Adam's being regressed.
Don't worry Zeb, often happens.
Look, you've startled him a bit.
If you keep your voice nice and calm, it is a clinical condition.
He is regressed.
Zeb, when I tell you to, please say the name of the actor who you think Adam is.
Say the name now.
Mal Kilmer.
Zeb!
You've got it right, you've got it right.
Did you know the films as well?
Yes, correct.
That's right.
That's the scene on the plane where Morrison is behaving badly and Billy Idol's playing one of his muckers sat behind him.
Very good.
What was film number two, sir?
Island of Dr Moreau with Marlon Brando.
Yeah, have you seen that one?
I have seen it, yeah.
It's not anything fantastic.
Did you make it through to the end?
I can't remember, but probably did.
Can't remember.
It sort of blends into nightmares, doesn't it, in many, many ways.
And what was the last one, do you reckon, Seb?
Of course, Val Kilmer and his incredible disguises.
That's brilliant.
Well done, Seb.
That's very, very impressive.
Now, what are we going to do?
We've given the guy that didn't know anything a copy of The Motorcycle Diaries, and are we going to give Zeb now a copy of The Motorcycle Diaries?
We should give him something else, shouldn't we?
Well, um... No, but then you give him two, but Adam, you want to nick one.
I was going to nick one.
We could sell a tape of Penn or something.
Zeb, are you happy with just one copy of The Motorcycle Diaries and for Adam to take your spare copy?
Quite happy, yep.
That's so generous of you.
Thanks, Zeb.
Listen, thanks for calling, Seb.
Congratulations.
That was a brilliant, er, brilliant interpretation of the, er, regression there.
Got everything right, every detail.
Nice piece of deduction, Seb.
H- Are you, er, got anything fun lined up for Saturday?
Mm.
Er, I've got a week off next week, so I'm just gonna relax, er, completely.
Gonna go crazy.
Really?
You should go and see a Jim Carrey film.
He's in all of them.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, you were at the Terminator with Jim Carrey.
Listen, Seb, thank you so much for your call and thanks very much.
Was it Peach before?
Yeah, it was Peach, even though that might not be his real name.
OK, well, Pete, thanks so much for your call anyway.
It was very nice to speak to you.
I'm inferring that he doesn't actually know what his own name is.
Right.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Here's a free play for you right now.
This is from the Fountains of Wayne's last album, Welcome Interstate Managers, which is a really good album.
And this is a track tucked away towards the end called Super Collider.
And it's a weird one because it sounds as if the Fountains of Wayne are doing an impression of Oasis doing an impression of some kind of mad psychedelic song.
It sounds like Awful right now?
Well, I really like it.
You might hate it, but anyway, check this out.
Blateman, Blateman, that is beast.
What?
I said Blateman, Blateman, that is beast.
Blake.
Blate.
Adam, you are so square and old.
What's the etymology of blate?
What is the what?
What does that mean?
Do not call me that whatever you said, man.
How many other words are incorporated in blate?
I will blat you up.
Blat?
Yeah, I will blat you up.
Because you are blate beast.
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
I've got to get out of the house more.
Um, yeah, so listen.
Um, the frog, man.
The crazy frog.
Crazy frog, yes.
Which we talked about, uh, a few weeks ago.
Some time ago, yeah.
Um, the crazy- the crazy frog.
Explain for people who don't know about the crazy frog.
Everybody knows about the crazy frog.
I don't think I need to explain it to be perfectly honest, Adam.
OK, it's like a cartoon frog and he was advertising- By absolute promise- By absolute promise, yes.
Everybody listening to this- I know, but I'm just reminding people about who it is.
Yeah.
Anyway, we were very impressed by the fact that you could originally see the Frog's little packet.
His cartoon nutties.
And now there's a great big black box over them.
Because presumably someone has complained and the complaint has been upheld.
But they're not going to pull the ad.
So is that really true?
Because that happened about a week after we spoke about it.
A little black box appeared on the willy and frog nuts.
And what that's to do with an actual complaint.
Well I assume it is, unless it's just a little- I don't think it is, you see.
You think it's a joke?
No, I think it's drawing attention to the willy and balls.
I think they're so brilliant.
The, uh, what did I call them?
Not scientists, irritists, I had a good word for them.
But the people who devise that thing are geniuses.
and they know how to twist it up.
So it started off with the crazy frog, then they censored the nuts and Willy, and now, the nuts and zoo, and now they have turned it into a house track.
That's twist number three.
So first of all, William Ball's genius.
second, censor the bits in order to make it even more erotic and provocative, because they're now concealed, twist three, make it into a house track.
They've done the same with Sweetie the birdie, she's now a house track.
And you know, was it, while Adam was away maybe, we had a competition for people to invent?
You were here, and do you remember the winner was Turtle, Bertfart Turtle.
And it burped out of its tail- no, it burped out of its mouth, farted out of its tail, and that would make it rotate, spin really fast, and it got faster and faster and exploded.
That was the winner of our competition.
It was a brilliant idea.
There's one- the following week there was one very similar launched on television.
A pig that burps and farts.
No.
Yeah.
That's more than a coincidence.
It is more than a coincidence, isn't it?
We should look into this.
Someone is listening today who's ripped off one of our listeners.
Ripped off our show.
Flipping heck, Tucker.
Tucking heck, grandpa.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We'll be back very shortly.
XFM.
Yeah, that's Baby Shambles with Killer Man Joe.
Brilliant song.
Terrible pun.
I just, it rankles every time I think about it.
Killer Man for his gyro.
When you're very, very high, it's the sort of thing that you think's really clever.
I suppose that's true.
When your brain's all fizzy with drugs.
Crazy.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
So, Joe, you said earlier that you have been watching Jamie's Kitchen.
I only watched my first one this week and I really got into it quite fast.
And I was surprised because, you know, like a lot of people I think I have a certain amount of antipathy towards Oliver and his multi-million pound sort of Sainsbury's endorsing slobbery lifestyle.
But I found myself really liking him quite quickly and just being so impressed by what he's doing.
Yeah, well the thing is he's right, isn't he?
Can I argue with the fact that he's right and we're shovelling rubbish into kids' mouths?
For people who haven't seen the show, he is essentially sort of setting up a business.
I'm not sure how he intends to make any profit from the business, or whether he does, but the business is to kind of retrain dinner ladies, you know, in as many schools as possible in England, to serve better food, basically, just to give children the option of eating stuff that isn't just a slice of congealed
a hawk residue or something with chips, which is what they really like.
And it's tough because none of the children really want to eat Jamie's delicious alternatives to begin with, do they?
But after about nine months or something, some of them eventually give in.
But don't you feel a bit depressed, Joe, by the attitudes of some of the kiddies who just absolutely flat don't want to try anything and say as much like, I don't like it, I don't like anything different.
I want chips, I want burgers, I don't like anything different.
It is rip-off Britain, isn't it?
Basically this is a tiny country with about 20 amazingly rich people, uh, controlling everything.
Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
Er, Jamie's Kitchen, that is.
Oh, definitely, yeah.
I think it'll probably end up with, er, some sort of constitutional change, even though we don't have a constitution.
What do I mean?
What's the word?
Well, yeah, that's, that's good enough.
He goes to the Prime Minister, he goes to Number 10 to, er... A legislative adjustment.
I think there will be, if any, any politician worth his salt will just immediately adopt, do anything that Jamie says, cos he'll immediately get, like, how, how many people watch that show, like five million?
He'll immediately get five million voters on his site.
Yeah.
That's the way to go, man.
it's not a bad initiative though, is it?
I mean, you'd have to be pretty nutty to argue against that.
I mean, the idea that children are growing up eating that kind of stuff is pretty dreadful.
Not that I remember what we necessarily had at school.
All I remember is like, chips.
I mean, everyone has chips, don't they?
And spaghetti bolognese, I remember.
Really stringy, tasteless spaghetti with the kind of bolognese sauce that leaks
fluid, just a white fluid.
It was really not very good and I wish we'd had Jamie in those days.
So I'm pro Oliver now, I can't, I just can't help myself.
I love him.
Anyway, I don't know how you feel about that.
I feel excited.
Can I do some quick emails?
Yeah, go on then.
Er, we- Adam and I have agreed that we don't really read out enough emails because, er, our good listeners send in many, many, many.
We were talking about Jason Sportsman earlier, er, and whether he appears in the video for The Phantom Planets, and, er, who has e- who has emailed us here?
Er, Dominique Deni- wow, what a name!
Dominique Deni-mon.
Er, Jason Sportsman is not the drummer anymore, but he does appear in the Les Mars video for California.
Makes sense, as he co-wrote the song with Alex Greenwald.
Yeah?
Did you know that?
Little bit of information for you.
Read the Fountains of Wayne song, which was your free play, was it, Adam?
Just a moment ago.
Never play it again.
It sounds like a spitting image parody of an Oasis song.
Just awful.
Play some Interpol, says Christian Braid.
But they sound like a spitting image parody of Joy Division.
Re, your invitation for young ladies to join you with a screening of nine songs.
Uh, there's a lady called M Green.
M Green, uh, says she's gonna join you and Charlie, who we already mentioned, when you go and see nine songs, he's gonna come down from Brighton.
So there's two ladies.
You know, one for each of your- I can have a man-witch.
Yeah.
Uh, and then also- oh no, that's M Green, who also asks us, Adam and Joe, if you were a lesbian, would you be butch or fem?
Please give reasons.
I would be fem, cause I'm quite a lady-like man, and Adam would be butch, cause he's quite a hairy man.
A hairy butch man.
You didn't think about that for very long, did you?
No, it's a pain in the obvious, isn't it?
I mean, you'd look rubbish as a sexy girl and not look terrible as a butch.
Well, I shaved.
Yeah.
I always played the girl in our... Yeah, cos it was comedy.
..when we did lady things.
Supposed to look stupid.
I looked sexy in a lot of those things.
I didn't.
OK.
Couple more emails.
Dominic Farrants has emailed us.
Have we seen the film Old Boy?
I recommend it.
I shouldn't have read that one.
It's a bit inconsequential, isn't it?
Yeah, Old Boy's fantastic.
Film of the year for me last year.
Er, and that's it.
And finally someone else slagging off Suggs, saying he advertises- he advertises one of the retail bank's insurance companies and if you phone them up, it's him doing the sorry please hold message.
That's rough, man.
Suggs, I'll give you- let's have a fundraiser for Suggs so he doesn't have to do any more ads.
Right, this is, er, Green Day with Holiday and check this out, it's amazing.
There's a little note here that says sell the next song.
So I'm really trying to sell it but I haven't heard it that much.
I do know that it's from their excellent album American Idiot and, er, I'm sure it's very good.
What was that one then, Ad?
That was the green day with Holliday.
Terrific.
Now apparently Jamie Oliver has affected legislation according to one of our texters, Richard from Luton.
He got a whole twelve pence extra per meal per child for school dinners from the government.
Well that's good.
That amounts to a lot.
Couple of brussels sprouts.
No, obviously individually it's not very much, but no, when you apply it to the budget of the school that a school has to feed their children, that's a lot of money.
Just paint faces on good food.
That is the secret, yeah.
Just put legs, arms and faces on all the healthy food and smiley things, have tie-in cartoon series on CBBC, The Radishes, Happy Salad, Trevor the Cucumber, all that kind of crap.
The kiss will go crazy for it, that's the answer.
I think that's been tried, I don't know, but...
Well, the Veggietales, they did it with Christianity.
The Veggietales?
Yeah, the Veggietales are Christian vegetables.
They're huge.
Lots of listeners will know what I'm talking about.
Wow.
And they brought Christianity and vegetarianism to many intelligent, sophisticated kids.
Come on, parents of Britain, pull your socks out!
Yeah, well said.
Yeah, thanks mate.
Oh, I've forgotten what I was going to say, whatever I was going to say.
So, I was thinking this week, I was trying to guess some News of the World headlines, specifically film reviews, and I was wondering, the new Willy Wonka film, what will the headline for the review, the News of the World review be?
Uh, Wonka Load of Rubbish.
Very good.
Very good, Buxton.
Sharp.
Off the block.
Yeah.
If it's good, Bonkers Wonka's a stonker.
Ricky and Steve laugh
Hey, do you want to introduce your free play?
Now, seeing as we've had that pretty harsh text about mine, I don't hold much hope for yours.
OK, man.
Well, I'm not going to tell you who it's by, but this is a brand new song by a hot new band.
It's called Urges.
You have to say who it's by.
No, I'm not.
This is a brand new song by a hot new band.
It's called Urges.
Hit it.
OK.
Yeah, of course.
Actually, this record is extremely old.
It's by Thomas Dobie.
It's called Urges.
I think it's even a B-side, isn't it?
By the D-dobbles.
Yeah.
Yeah, there we go.
Dobby the house elf.
Do you get any good comments on that one?
Oh, I got crap.
Turn it off.
From Dunk.
But there you go.
You know what?
For everybody who sends in a nasty email, there's a thousand people who love it.
Yeah, exactly.
But are too nice to, you know, just too busy and too intelligent to bother, you know, texting a show like this.
Ah, good ending, you see.
I think it's a great record.
It's about something one can relate to.
It's got a tune and stuff like that.
And it contains the line, Try to contain the stuff that's in your body.
That's a good line, man.
They don't write them like that anymore.
So remember, if you want to win the Virgin Megastores album of the week, then you just have to listen to Sean Keeney on Monday from 10am, as he's going to be giving it away.
It's the Stereophonics with language, sex and violence.
And if you want to win a copy of that, you can go to www.xfm.co.uk.
That's a special promotional tie-in competition with Virgin Megastores and their Album of the Week.
That's exciting stuff.
You might enter that, Adam.
Yeah, definitely.
Stereophonics are my favourite band.
I'm glad they're number one.
And I love Kelly Jones.
He's very handsome and he's got a lovely raspy voice.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We'll be back shortly.
XFM.
Oh my God, I can't believe it.
I've never been this far away from it.
Oh my God, I can't believe it.
And you know what?
Someone said it sounded very like bandages.
Hot, hot heat.
It's true, it does sound a bit like that.
Yeah, and you know, you guys, you just have to open your mind to music from the past.
I can see Justin Lee Collins!
Oh my God, the big hairy conflate yeti man.
I can see Justin Lee Collins.
So coming up quite soon is Dizzy's In The Dock, and we can exclusively reveal that this week's category is Songs Are Based On Real Events.
right historical events of importance correct well not necessarily important but well known well known events like you know actual songs inspired by actual events you should go into politics i'm not changing the old post songs inspired by actual events yep
OK, so we'll be unveiling our choices very shortly.
You know, in the Kaiser chief song, he says that he's gonna come back stronger than a powered-up Pac-Man.
That's not that strong, is it?
Powered-up Pac-Man.
Depends how many lives he's got.
I mean, it's strong for about three seconds.
Yeah, it alliterates nicely, though, doesn't it?
Yeah, that's true, it does.
Powered-up Pac-Man.
Oh, we've had a text saying, is layer cake worth spending £18 on?
No.
Oh, do you reckon not?
Did you watch it?
Yeah.
I didn't think it was so bad, actually.
It was distinctly average.
Layer cake.
The whole notion of the layer cake is fairly badly crowbarred in there.
I tell you what, my new criteria for films, is there anything in it that you haven't seen before?
Any single element in layer cake that is not done similarly or better in another film I warrant the answer is no No, I think you're probably right.
Yeah, but but it does it's unoriginal rubbish pretty much better than a lot of people I tell you a shocker I saw the other day.
What was that Bridget Jones edge of reason, but that's supposed some people say it's better than the first one my
I'd heard that it was exactly the same.
Oh, my God.
What were you thinking?
I was thinking, that girl who Bridget Jones thinks Colin Firth fancies is really hot, is what I was thinking.
Right.
You just wanted to look at an attractive woman.
No, no, no, no, renting it out, I thought, cos I really like Bridget Jones, one, I thought I'd have a laugh with number two.
romantic evening, you know, some chocks, some chocks, yeah, a bar of galaxy, a copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and a DVD of Bridget Jones.
Maybe play the crossword from Full House magazine?
Colin Firth should have got the Best Actor Oscar.
For making it right the way through there.
marginally conceivable that he might be attracted to an insane demented human pillow woman that was Bridget Jones.
Oh, dear.
Awful.
And then the final indignity of that hot chick fancying her.
Honestly.
I haven't seen The Edge of Reason because I'm not demented.
I can't believe it.
If you're a woman and you watch Bridget Jones, The Edge of Reason, and you identify with any element of that character, you're mad.
Are you presumably going to see Miss Congeniality 2 then?
No, I haven't seen number one.
Well, don't see that.
I can't believe you saw The Edge of Reason.
I did see Miss Congeniality 1 and it was just torture.
Bridget Jones' The Edge of Reason made millions.
It was one of the highest-grossing films of the year last year.
Well, people say it's as good as the first one.
Meet the Fockers.
Have you seen that?
No, not bothered about that.
Almost entirely laugh-free.
Yeah.
Highest earning comedy of all time.
Is it?
That's happening to the world.
What's going on?
Because the first one was really good.
Me, the parents, was great.
Yeah, this one isn't.
No.
You've made even more money.
Stay away.
Look, we're telling you.
Stay away from them.
Don't buy their cake.
Stay away from them.
But what about the British film industry?
But Adam's recommending Alien vs Predator.
Yeah, I didn't like Alien vs Predator.
It's all about lowering your expectations.
That's the thing.
Coming right up, did it in the dark, stand by your phones, you could win a copy of the screenwriter's masterclass.
Fascinating interviews with top directors about their screenwriting craft.
It's not exactly a prize that, I mean it's a brilliant book, I can't see every listener wanting it.
Oh, it's good, man.
It's a good book.
Do you think this is a book?
I guess everyone will know someone who wants to get into the film biz and will be interested in how, you know, good directors write their stuff, and it is a genuinely good selection of directors.
Well, here's a song for you right now, vaguely related to the world of acting.
For me?
It's for you, yeah.
Oh, thanks, man.
It's your favourite band, Foo Fighters.
Oh, brilliant.
And it's called Stacked Actors, and it's really an angry song, apparently inspired by Courtney Love and other similar types of acting people.
After this, we've got Ditties in the Dock.
They fooled around with the dirty words in there to make them unoffensive.
That was Stacked Actors by Foo Fighters.
Stick around.
This is Adam and Joe.
We've got Dizzy in the Dark coming up after this.
XFM.
Time for Ditches in the Dock now, we're battling it out for who gets to play the last song of the show, and this week it's songs inspired by real life events.
Do you wanna go first or shall I, Joe?
I'm gonna go first, I'd like to go first.
Go on then.
Okay, I'd also like to say that I had about an hour to pick a song, I've been working very hard all week, I didn't get home till about 10.
So I've come up with Shipbuilding by Elvis Costello.
Good choice.
It's a fantastic record.
It was originally recorded by Robert Wyatt, but I believe Costello altered the lyrics
to... Costello wrote it.
Robert Wyatt covered it.
God bless you.
There we go.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
OK, thank you very much.
It says here shipbuilding was first recorded in 1983 by Robert Wyatt.
Yeah, but Costello wrote it.
OK, brilliant.
OK, well, his own, Costello's own version was on his album Punch the Clock and it's of course inspired by the Falklands War and his anger at what would happen when the sons of the people who worked in the shipyard were, you know, taken off and killed in the Falklands and then the government obviously had to have more ships
to replace the ship should have been blown up over there.
It's got brilliant lyrics, it's got an amazing trumpet on it, performed by the famous Chet Baker.
It's just one of the most beautiful protest songs ever written and, you know, just fantastic.
Are you playing the Robert White or Elvis Costello version?
I'm playing the Costello versions, it's the one I personally know and love.
So there we go.
Joe Cornish's record this week is Shipbuilding by Elvis Costello.
OK, that's a very good choice.
I'm going for a, uh, Frank Black track, and it's called St.
Francis Dam Disaster.
Uh, or St.
Francis Dam... I can't even pronounce it.
St.
Francis Dam Disaster.
Now, uh, on this night, on this very night, March the 12th, 1928, billions of gallons of raging flood waters burst through the St.
Francis Dam.
Are you reading this?
No.
Uh, I'm recalling it from memory.
A terrific turn of phrase.
The St.
Francis Dam burst its walls and thousands of homes were damaged or totally destroyed.
Bridges were wiped out, power was knocked out all over the area.
How annoying.
The death toll, man, I've got a death toll here.
Sorry mate.
The death toll was more than 450 people who perished in the St.
Francis Dam disaster.
It was California's second largest disaster.
When?
Sorry, when?
In 1928.
28, okay.
And it was the greatest American
civil engineering failure of the 20th century only the san francisco earthquake and the fire of 1906 claimed more lives listen i didn't do that when you were talking about shit sorry mine wasn't as funny it's not funny 450 people died in the 20s anyway it's an amazing song what in the 20s why does it matter that it's in the 20s because you can't remember them anymore yeah no one who knows them is alive anymore
That's the kind of Jim Cameron Titanic logic.
Brilliant.
Anyway, it's a wonderful song.
Frank Black has got an amazing turn of phrase and provides a stirring telling of the events.
So there we go.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9-0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9 Vote for Shipbuilding by Elvis Costello or Frank Black with... Saint Francis' Damned Disaster.
And you could win a superb book telling you how to write a hit film and be a millionaire!
We'll be back with a winner after the Kings of Leon.
What?
What was he saying?
I talked to Rolo.
I've got to Rolo.
I've got some Rolo's.
So listen, we're pressed for time.
This is in the dock.
It is shipbuilding by Elvis Costello versus the Pixies with- No.
There was a big flood or something.
Sorry, Frank Black with- Frank Black with St.
Francis Dime Disaster.
So it's Black versus Costello.
We've got five callers on the line.
It's the best of five.
Every caller that comes on Airwinds a fantastic book all about brilliant, fascinating screenwriting-type things.
Now, when we ask for a caller, if all callers could speak, only one of you will be audible.
Oh, no.
Hello.
Scrap that.
We've got the names.
Paul on line one.
Are you there?
Hello, Paul.
Hiya.
How you doing, Paul?
I'm good, thanks.
Are you going to write a screenplay when you get this book?
I'm not, no.
You're not, no.
OK.
Are you going to give it to someone who might be writing a screenplay?
No, I won a prize with Sarah Darling so I shouldn't really get the prize.
You don't want the prize?
I do, but I already won the tickets to New Order.
That's alright, you can have more than one prize mate, you deserve it.
Well, before I say that, who are you voting for, Costello or Black?
I'm writing for Costello.
Costello is one for shipbuilding.
Well, I'd like to remind you of Swade's lovely cover of shipbuilding as well.
Yes.
I didn't know they covered that one.
Very well reminded.
Thank you, Paul.
You'll be getting that book, which sounds as if it'll be useless to you, but, you know, you can use it as a doorstop, Paul.
Nice to hear someone just saying, I'm not going to write a screenplay.
Yeah.
Yeah, makes sense.
Who's next on the phones?
Claire.
Hello.
Hello, Claire.
Adam, do you want to speak to Claire?
Hi Claire, I love you.
Hi, hello, how are you?
Very good, I miss you and why don't you ever call me anymore?
I did last week, but you didn't answer.
Oh, that was you.
So, listen, darling, what are you voting for?
Shipbuilding as well, please.
I can't believe you.
What?
No, but this is a false start, Buxton.
The lie is manipulating us.
She's making it seem like I'm going to win.
No, it's genuine this week because we haven't had time to manipulate it.
So who's next on the line?
Rob.
Hello, Rob.
Hey, Rob.
Hello there, hi.
Rob, mate, how's the screenplay going?
I'm not going to do one.
What?
It's too much, I don't know.
Come on, Rob.
Haven't you seen Layer Cake and Bridget Jones?
It's easy to write a screenplay.
Any old rubbish gets made these days.
Come on.
Do a screenplay and incorporate Joe's scene with the planets moving very slowly towards each other.
Exactly.
You won't know what you're talking about unless you listened last week.
But there we go.
You're going to win this fantastic book, whatever you vote for.
What are you voting for?
Costello or Black?
I'm going to go for Black.
Oh, my goodness.
Hanging on in there.
Fantastic.
This is edge of the seat stuff.
It's 2-1 to Cornish.
Do you know the Black track, Rob?
No, I don't, but I know the shipbuilding and it'll be nice to hear a new song that I've never heard before.
Yeah, that's the XFM spirit right there.
I disagree, Rob.
You're wrong!
You're wrong, Rob!
Get off!
Oh, God.
Aidan, are you there?
Aidan, hello?
Aidan!
Hang on a second.
I'm not, no, some people were on site where I work and they were, and I've just gone into a building and locked it.
Oh dear.
And now you're covered in pain.
Health and safety, Aidan, health and safety.
Absolutely, yeah.
Who are you voting for, Costello or Black?
I want, it was Costello, please.
Oh, is that it?
Cornish takes it.
But what about our fifth caller, John?
Thank you very much Aidan, you get a screenwriting book, so put down those paints and pick up that pen and get to Hollywood.
So John, are you there?
Hello.
Are you going to vote for Black or Costello?
I was going to vote for Costello.
Hey!
It's 4-0.
Thanks very much for your call.
I was right about the suede version.
Is he?
Yes.
It's a smash, is it?
Well, let's have a listen to that another week.
I'll seek it out.
Thank you very much for your call.
Hey, you know what?
That'll make a good digit in the dot.
Two versions of the same song, versus each other.
Let's do that next week.
All right, let's do that next week.
Or the week after, maybe.
Well, I was absolutely thrashed there.
But it's a fantastic track, the Frank Black one.
If only I could speak, I could communicate how good it was.
The St.
Francis Dam disaster.
You should check it out if you get the opportunity.
But I concede graciously, Elvis Costello is a wonderful person.
And this is an amazing track.
Let's try and play it all, eh?
OK.
We'll see you next week.
Take care.
Love you.
Bye.
Is it worth it?
And you and some coat and shoes for the wife And a bicycle on the boy's birthday It's just a rumor that we spread around town By the women and the children Soon we'll be shooting
Well, I ask you The boys said that they're going to take me to task But I'll be back by Christmas It's just a rumor that you spread around town Somebody said that someone got killed in Farsi
People can't kill it The results of this ship will end With all the live in the wild Diving for dear life And we could be dead
It's just a woman and we're spread around town A telegram or a picture postcard Within weeks they'll be reopening the shipyard And notifyin' the next of kin Once again, it's always skillin'
When we could be diving for miles