This is Adam and Joe here on XFM for the next two hours.
So I play our little Jingle Joe.
Yeah, go on.
Jingle Joe.
That sounds interesting, let's talk about it I always enjoy our little chats I never know what you'll say
Since you see the program with the models One of the models was in the barn and she was naked I'm not sure about that new TV show I'm excited about Doctor Who I'm hoping it will not be moved I'm not sure about that new TV show That sounds interesting, let's talk about it Let's start talking now
Well, so much to talk about there, all in song form.
The model show, I've been watching that, Make Me a Supermodel, produced by the woman that used to produce the Adam and Jo show, Debbie Searle.
Is that true?
Doing a very good job.
What a multi-skilled woman she is, and how exciting for her to be in a house full of such sexy, mad, old... I probably can't say this word, but I can probably say the Americanisation of this word, beaches.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What a load of beaches they are, though.
Steve Laughs
mad they become.
Steve Well, the- the key mad one, of course, is, uh, what's her name?
Jasmine.
Steve Jasmine.
Ricky Yeah, the very posh one.
Steve Very posh.
Her mum's a model, I think, and, uh- Ricky James- a James Bond girl?
Is she the one whose mum was a James Bond girl?
Steve Yeah, maybe.
That's right.
And Jasmine is an addict.
She came out as an addict the other day.
Ricky Yes.
Steve And I don't know what she's addicted to.
She's only about 19 though, isn't she?
Ricky Yeah, alcohol, I think.
Booze.
Steve Booze and good times.
Ricky I couldn't explain this.
Steve And being mad.
And, uh- Ricky We should- we should maybe talk about that more later though.
Steve Yeah, yeah.
And obviously Doctor Who, obviously in your song very exciting.
Are you excited about Doctor Who?
Well not really but I hear it's pretty good.
It's available on the internet.
You can illegally download it which would of course be wrong and bad but friends of mine have illegally downloaded it and say it's good apart from a moment when someone's eaten by a bin.
So that's the low point.
Is that on tonight Doctor Who?
I don't, I can't grasp when it is.
Grasping?
Yeah I'm very aware of it.
I'll try and grasp it.
I'm not aware of when it is.
I'll grasp that.
Remember, you can text us 83XFM.
You can call us 087122149 when the time's come.
We've got tickets to the XFM big night out to give away, well, one pair of tickets.
We've also got Star Wars goodies.
We don't quite know what they are, but they're approaching the studio now.
And for Ditties in the Dock, we've got, I think, sole weekend CDs to give away.
It's going to be a big Ditties in the Dock this week.
It's a cover versions playoff, a Bowie cover versions playoff.
We'll reveal which cover versions those are going to be in the second hour of the show.
And, of course, fantastic music from all your ex-FM favourites, such as, yeah, Thirteen Senses, Echo Belly, Kaiser Chiefs, Pete Daugherty, Daugherty, Daugherty, New Order and many other great bands.
Classics from Echo and the Bunnymen and the odd little nugget thrown in by myself and Joe.
Don't throw nuggets.
I love nugget throwing.
I can't help it.
I can't stop myself from the nuggets.
Brian, what have you got?
Our regular producer, Lila, is away this week.
She's having some Lila time.
Oh, here are the Star Wars goodies.
Shall we inspect the Star Wars goodies while we play a record?
Whoa, look at that.
That's good.
We'll tell you what you can win.
That's some good stuff.
Wow, look at this stuff.
Oh, OK, now here's some great stuff from the 13 senses.
Oh dear, this doesn't look very promising.
What's that?
Well, we've just been looking through the Star Wars goodies that we've got to give away this week, and amongst them, they're fantastic goodies.
Let me dispel that impression, I'm not disparaging the goodies.
There's a lovely Yoda action figure here from the new film.
The, what is it, Revenge of the Sith?
Something like that.
It says, but it's got, Yoda's got, in Revenge of the Sith, according to this toy, Yoda's got a little floaty hover pad.
Yoda's hover chair has been specially modified for combat situations.
This allows the venerable Jedi Master not only to direct the clone troopers in tactical battles, but also to storm into the fight with speed and manoeuvrability, swiftly taking out the opposing battle droid armies with his lightsaber.
And it should also say, it also allows the CGI animators not to have to bother with his legs.
He had a hover chair in the last one, though, didn't he?
He didn't use it much, did he, though?
There was some hovering in the chair with- But wait, he got- the other geezer had a hover chair.
It's like the Stanner-Sterliff Wars.
Well, they're very old.
They've been around for thousands of years, some of them.
Yeah, but I like my action heroes to have working legs.
Well, it is very expensive, as you said.
Yeah.
But here we go.
This is a fantastic goodie bag.
We've got that Star Wars figure.
We've got another.
Basically, this is mostly merchandise linked to the cartoon, uh, Star Wars Clone Wars, which is animated by the guy that animates Samurai Jack.
Very stylish animation.
And we've got a big, full-color frame cell signed by someone with an illeg- illegible signature.
I don't know who that could be.
Who could that be who signed that?
Maybe it's actually signed by Star Wars.
It begins with an S. Maybe Star Wars himself has signed it.
there's also fridge magnets and a bag and t-shirts and all sorts of animated Star Wars goodies to be given away.
Ricky I think it might be space.
Steve Space has signed it.
Ricky I think space has signed the picture.
Steve Wow.
How exciting.
Ricky Which makes it a good picture and I think it would probably fetch quite a lot on eBay.
Steve Yeah.
Ricky And have you talked about the bag?
Steve I've talked about the bag.
There's not much to talk about, I must say.
It's a bag that says, that says Toonami, Toonami on it.
How can I say that so it doesn't sound like I'm a tedious football supporter?
Toonami, you can't.
It's a nice bag, though.
It's a good bag.
And of course, before all that, you heard the Salt Wound Routine by Thirteen Senses, who sound like a nice band that I could probably beat up, I think, if I met them, which I always really like.
I like that in my music.
I like to feel more powerful than the music.
So, Joe, you have been watching Make Me a Model, is it called?
Make Me a Supermodel.
It's called Make Me a Supermodel, yeah.
And how do you feel about it?
Is it an easy watch for you?
Have you got any mental problems attached to it?
Well, the problem I have with it is that I question the authority of the people who are putting these girls through this.
I think- I think Rachel Hunter is kind of the emcee of the whole situation.
Yeah.
Who is that idiot photographer man in the dark glasses?
Pingu or Pompompi or Pompeii or Dung Boy or- what's he called?
Pufar.
Ah, I can't remember.
He's absurd.
The pop video director they had on last night, Phil Griffin, who was touted as like a professional pop video director who's gonna show the girls what it's like to be in the eye of a real video shoot, turns- I looked him up on the internet.
Yeah.
Three Atomic Kitten videos, steps,
That's as good as it gets.
That's a golden pedigree.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
It's just not what I expect, really.
Well, he's not Michel Gondry, but he's a kind of genius and, you know, he was able to tell the girls that a good tip for a video shoot is to look through the lens at the audience and not just stare at the box.
So, you know, that's true.
That's valuable information there that he's imparting.
I'm worried about Rachel Hunter because her only qualification for being on the programme is that she goes out with Rod Stewart, isn't it?
And she's a supermodel as well, though, isn't she?
She's not a supermodel.
No.
But she's a supermodel.
Well, exactly.
She's super.
model.
But they're very snooty about the difference between supermodels and glamour models on the show.
You know, they said to one of the girls, you're quite tarty, you dress quite tarty and you're more like a glamour model at the moment and you'll never make a supermodel if you carry on wearing those midriff revealing outfits.
But Rachel Hunter was never a supermodel.
She looks like someone who you'd see draped over a car at Earl's Court.
over a bench in the park.
We in a puddle of our own wee.
Come on, man.
It's a really nice sunny day.
You don't have to say things like that.
It's a lovely sunny day.
Yeah, I bet there's a lot of quite- yeah, anyway.
Uh, yeah, but it's a very, very good program.
But I just wonder how long, uh, you know, aspiring supermodels and people who aspire to be in a certain profession will take shows like that seriously.
Because they don't want to become a supermodel.
This is not going to happen, is it?
No one's going to be a supermodel.
They might do a couple of Clearasil ads.
And some brochure work.
But why go through all that stuff?
Because they like the telly.
They want to be on the telly.
Aw, dear.
They desperately want, especially Jasmine.
I mean, the main innovation of this show, as I see it, is the nudism.
Do you still fan- at what point did you stop fancying Jasmine?
Do you still fancy Jasmine?
I'm sorry listeners who haven't seen this show, this might be a bit alienating, but basically there's quite a foxy, amazingly posh girl on this show who when she doesn't open her mouth is very, very sexy.
She's also one of the most obnoxious people ever created.
When she opens her mouth her personality couldn't be less attractive.
And they're keeping her on the show, A, because she is quite foxy, B, because she's insane, she's winding everyone up and she's important for the show, but C, because she's very happy to be filmed in the nudie while she's bathing.
It seems to be like a regular shot in each show, at some point they'll walk in and she'll be there.
She's got very small nipples so they don't really register from a distance.
They're only about a pixel in diameter.
They register with me.
Not enough to
you know, generate any heat.
Anyway, so it's a confusing show.
On the one hand, on the one hand you're sort of thinking, this is wrong, surely, but then my pants are saying, this is right, this is right, I'm so happy.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM, we'll be back shortly.
Oh, yeah.
I picked that one out because it's such a lovely day.
And that's Ween with Freedom of 76's element Joe on XFM.
I just want to tell you, Joe, about Virgin Megastore's album of the week.
Right.
Which is Beck's new album, Gerro.
And funnily enough, Sean Keaveney on Monday will be giving away some copies of said album, Beck's Gerro.
So you should tune in.
Who me?
Yeah.
Alright.
Just you.
Uh, Monday the 21st of March, check out Sean Keeney's show and he will be giving away, uh, copies of the back album.
For more chances to win, go to www.xfm.co.uk.
This is Adam and Joe, we'll be back shortly.
These records and their fancy endings, eh?
It's the Kaiser Chiefs with Oh My God.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Now, we've been describing to you an extraordinary Star Wars-related prize we'll be giving away for an as-yet-unannounced competition, maybe for celebrity regression.
We're not sure yet, but we've got an amazing goody bag full of figures and this beautiful piece of cell art from the new Clone Wars cartoon done by the guy that made Samurai Jack.
And it's signed by somebody.
We couldn't work it out who it is.
Apparently, it's actually signed by Genndy?
Tarkovsky.
The creator of Samurai Jack and Dexter's Lab.
Oh, yes.
Ghandi.
Not Ghandi.
Signed by Tarkovsky.
He's dead.
Adam, Ghandi is dead.
Ghandi.
Not Ghandi.
Ghandi.
Why Ghandi?
Ghandi.
Don't know.
Er, but no, Genndy Tartakovsky.
And he's the genius behind Samurai Jack and Dexter's Lab, and behind this amazing new Clone Wars cartoon, which many are saying is better than the upcoming film.
Really?
Oooh, controversial.
It fills in the narrative gap between The Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith.
Er, but there we go.
So, just to explain that, it's actually signed by Genny Baske.
He's obviously a man who's signed a lot of things, and the more you sign things, the later you get with your signature, don't you?
Steve Yeah.
Ricky And his has basically just gone down to an S and a squiggle.
I just got a call from, uh, Graham Linehan.
I think he's very, very excited about the idea of that.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, Graham, you'd better s-listen very carefully to Celebrity Regression.
It's an easy one, isn't it?
It's pretty easy, I would say, yeah.
Um, we got Celebrity Regression Therapy, which is our competition of this week, coming up very, very shortly.
Maybe Graham knows- sorry to interrupt- maybe Graham knows how to say his name properly.
He pro- I- you know what?
I bet you that's why he was calling.
Maybe, uh, Graham, if you phone back- Call us properly, Graham.
Alright, 7-1- triple-two-one-o-four-nine.
We've got competition time coming up very shortly.
First of all, here's the Queens of the Stone Age.
Well, that's fantastic.
Little Sister by Queens of the Stone Age.
Adam and Joe here on XFM.
And I think that it is...
Competition time You could win a TVD or tickets to a show You just never know So sharpen up your brain and get ready to play
This week, uh, we're retiring, uh, Crap Commentary Corner again, cos to be perfectly honest, I've run out of commentaries.
Um... There's a couple more I've got in mind, but they all cost about 27 quid on import.
Yeah.
That's too much.
I- That is over the price.
Man, you've- you've really been working beyond the call of duty.
I've done well, haven't I?
What, eight months or something?
That's a lot of crap commentaries.
Anyway, so instead, we're back to celebrity regression.
Remember, this is, uh, a medical, uh, situation.
Kind of.
Are you gonna start the, the, the bell?
Oh yeah, okay, we're getting into it.
Shall we do it now, or should we do it after a song?
Do it now.
Okay, let's, let's go.
This is celebrity regression.
Remember, the number is 08712221049.
You could win that bag of Star Wars Toonami goods.
If you can guess which actor I'm about to regress Adam into.
I'm going to regress Adam into this actor's brain and life.
He's going to open his eyes.
He's going to witness scenes from several of this actor's films.
You have to call 08712221049.
Tell us which actor Adam has been regressed into and what films he is witnessing.
Adam, are you ready?
Yes, I have.
Take a deep breath.
Expand the stomach, not the chest, remember?
Come on, let it out now.
What are you doing, man?
That was you.
Just relax.
And I'm going to take you back now.
Close your eyes.
Back, back, back, back.
You're three, you're two, you're one, you're a baby, you're a fetus.
You are a little sperm in your daddy's nut.
Nut is.
And now, I'm taking you back into the mind of an actor.
Or actress.
I want you to open your eyes.
Tell us what you see.
I'm in a house.
A big unusual house.
And the name of the character I play has a great deal in common with the house.
My husband is a bad foreign man.
Bad foreign man.
He's got something up his sleeve and I don't like it.
I'm gonna have to take some more of my prescription medication in my house.
I'm not addicted.
What do you mean I'm addicted?
I'm not addicted!
I'm... It's... It's... Okay, stay calm.
My husband is bad.
It's the house of... Just breathe.
And I'm gonna take you further back into another of this actor or actresses films.
Excuse me.
Tell us what you see.
Oh, it's hot.
So hot.
I can see vineyards and quaint villages with cobbly streets and fountains and old people with craggy grumpy faces that are so full of meaning.
This must be abroad.
I love abroad.
It's so foreign.
The language, the colorful characters with their foreign ways.
So different from ours.
We may consider them brusque or vulgar, but with time we can embrace the dirty foreign people.
Especially the men, the dirty foreign men with their scooters and their dirty hands and their dirty philandering ways.
Oh, it's so hot under the sun.
The dirty men, some men, with their hands of dirty men.
I'm... Okay, just breathe, just relax, well done.
And I'm finally going to take Adam into the final scenario from this actual act.
Just remember 0 8 7 1, 2 2 2, 1 0 4 9 to win an extraordinary bag of Toonami animated Star Wars goodies.
Adam, open your eyes, tell us what you can see.
I'm in an apartment.
It's like an old factory space, but stuffed with exquisite junk.
Huge oak shelves lined with books, wonderful old furniture and abge.
It's the kind of ludicrous apartment that no one really has in the real world But I don't care cuz I'm only here for one thing That bad foreign man with dirty hands and a dirty foreign accent I've got a wonderful husband and a kid at home But I don't care cuz of the dirty man and his dirty hands always pulling off my pants He's dirty Pulling off your pants my pants
How is what is pants?
My pants!
Oh pants.
He's a dirty man.
I like him.
Oh, he's got a huge apartment.
Oh, I'm bad.
I'm bad.
What actor or actress has Adam been regressed into?
Adam will stay in the regressed state until somebody calls in 0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9, rescue Adam from this meditative state and win the Star Wars goodie bags.
Now, coming up, what for lovers?
This is Pete Daugherty.
Yeah, that was for lovers.
Peter Daugherty.
Peter, I gave him his full name.
Is he finished?
Yeah.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
You join us midway through celebrity regression.
Adam has been regressed into the mind and films of a popular movie star, all-star Tina, and we have two callers on the line who think they know whose mind Adam is currently inhabiting.
Remember, Adam is in a regressed state.
This is a competition's happening under clinical conditions, so please keep your voices low when you call in.
Hello, Carol.
Hello.
How are you?
I'm fine, how are you?
Very well, thank you very much.
Now, do you think you know who Adam has been regressed into?
Is it Nicole Kidman?
Okay, which Nicole Kidman films do you think Adam was experiencing there?
The Others and Eyes Wide Shut.
There are three there, any ideas on the third one?
Why did you think it was Ice White Shot?
Are there filthy foreign men on mopeds in Ice White Shot?
Yes, there are some.
Well, there's a filthy foreign man, isn't there?
There's filthy Japanese men, aren't there, in the shot that interfered with Lili Sobieski?
Yes.
Yeah.
But, I'm sorry.
Well, I tell you what, Carol.
I'd like you to say the name again, loudly and clearly.
If you're right, Adam will come out of his regressed state.
If you're wrong, you may have permanently damaged him.
Say the name now.
Nicole Kidman.
Hey.
Oh, Carol, I'm sorry.
He's still regressed.
Who knows what the repercussions of that will be.
I'm very sorry, Carol.
Thank you for listening.
Thanks for calling.
Let's go to Rory.
Hello, Rory.
Hello.
How are you, Rory?
I'm just dandy.
You sound like a clever, clever man.
Why, thank you.
Now, don't say the name yet.
Do you think you know this?
No.
Really?
So you're not confident?
Well, I'm kind of going by trailers which I half-watched.
Well, that's a good sign considering the films in question.
It's a good thing you haven't seen them.
What about this Star Wars stuff?
Are you excited about possibly winning that?
Well, I kind of thought I might as well just ring in anyway because it is Star Wars stuff, you know.
Sorry, that doesn't sound like you're very excited.
No, seriously, I am.
Rory, you realise some people are crazy about this.
Apparently it's really good as well, the Star Wars animated thing.
Yeah, my brother's quite a bit of a fan, so... Good, as long as it goes to someone who'd be very excited.
OK, Rory, please, when I tell you to say the name of this actor, if you're correct, Adam will wake up.
If you're wrong, he may be asleep forever.
OK, say the name now, Rory.
Diane Lane.
Ah, Rory!
Rory, congratulations.
So Rory, just take us through the films there, because this is a real parade of rubbish.
Well, I didn't know the first one.
The second one it sounded like Under the Tuscan Sun.
Have you seen that monstrosity?
No, but I kind of saw the trailer and thought this is exactly the film I do not want to see.
It's breathtaking, isn't it, Adam?
It's sort of aimed at ladies, chocolate-eating, pink-wearing ladies.
Really stupid ladies.
But it's awful, terrible stuff.
And the first one, incidentally, was The Glass House with Lily Sobieski.
Also with Lily Sobieski.
Yeah.
And Diane Lane doesn't get much of a look in that.
She just plays a kind of drug-addicted nurse.
Does Rory... Rory, do you know any of the others?
Was the last one Unfaithful?
Was she in that one?
That's right.
It was Unfaithful and she cheats on Richard Gere with the sexy French man.
Dirty foreign man.
Rory, have you seen Unfaithful?
No, I haven't.
I've seen the poster, though.
Oh, well done.
There's some rather good roughty.
I've seen the poster.
The poster's not as good as the film, you know, Rory.
The film is even better than the poster.
I quite like Unfaithful.
Oh, well, I should definitely go and watch it then.
Yeah, it's got some good, filthy action in it as well, and she's very good in it, I think.
Yeah, she sort of gets all the parts that are written for really thick American women who are very spiritual, but yet stupid.
Well, she's very beautiful by her name, but she's got quite big bags under her eyes, so it adds a sort of intellectual aspect.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, that's what bags do.
Yeah, in all honesty, I don't think I've actually ever seen a film she's in.
So, there we go.
Right.
Yeah, don't worry, man.
You must have seen it.
Isn't she in The Perfect Storm?
She is in The Perfect Storm.
You've seen The Perfect Storm, haven't you, Rory?
No.
It's got a big wave.
Put your finger out.
What films do you watch, Rory?
What's the last film you saw?
Last film I saw, I don't know.
My favourite films, I quite like Evil Dead 2.
And Dead Man's Shoes as well.
Oh, Dead Man's Shoes is fantastic, isn't it?
What a great film.
Looking forward to the DVD.
Well, you've got good taste, Rory.
That's your problem.
And you've won some Star Wars goodies as a reward.
Thanks for calling.
Thanks for listening.
Congratulations.
Thanks very much for calling in, Rory, and thanks to everyone who called in for that.
That was quite semi-tricky.
It wasn't immediately obvious it was the glass house I was talking about, and it's not a film that very many people would necessarily have seen.
I've seen it.
Have you?
And you quite liked it, didn't you?
I've got it on DVD.
Yeah.
$24.99.
What a lunatic.
I think I paid that as well.
Rushed out and bought it on import like a kind of jerk.
This is element Joe on XFM, and this is the others.
That is The Others with William.
Uh, Brian, can you correct me if I'm wrong?
Uh, The Others, were they on the NME the other week?
The cover of the NME?
Do you know that?
And they look ridiculous, don't they?
Well, who was on the cover?
There was some- The Kaiser Chiefs.
Was it The Kaiser Chiefs?
Are you thinking of The Bravery?
Maybe it's The Bravery.
The Bravery sort of looked like, uh, Marko from Adam and the Ants.
Yeah, that's right.
They looked like Adam and the Ants towards the end of their career already.
Yeah, but that's OK.
It's OK.
It's good for rock stars to have stupid hair.
I suppose so.
Everything's so conservative at the moment.
I think it's good to have stupid rock stars with idiotic hair and paint on their faces.
Crazy makeup.
Hey, just want to remind people that you can hear XFM in Liverpool now, okay?
And the reception apparently is amazing.
So go to Liverpool now and you'll be able to listen to XFM on 105.8 FM.
105.8 FM, XFM in Liverpool now, in the next hour.
We have got Ditties in the Dock coming up at the end, of course, and that means a chance to win more prizes for everyone who phones in.
You will walk away with a copy of 80s Soul Weekender, is that right?
Which is a really good triple CD compilation of loads of really good stuff.
Yeah.
Everybody who votes in Ditties in the Dock and gets on air will win one of those.
That's all I've got to say.
It sounded as if it was going sort of really amazing.
It's the current contemporary upward inflection.
And then it hit a kind of inflection wall.
And of course, I've been watching a great deal of Channel 5 programs this week, Joe.
Right.
Channel 5 seems to be the new something, maybe the new Channel 4, I don't know.
But I want to talk about some of the programs that I've been wading through on Channel 5.
Anything else that you'd like to get off your chest?
I've got a great deal to get off my chest in the second hour of the show.
I'd like to talk about the air freshener that mounts on the door frame.
I'd like to talk about the toothbrush with the tongue scraper on its back.
And I'd like to talk about the battery operated razor from Gillette that raises the hairs on your face through electricity.
But do you do voiceovers for Gillette?
I did one, yeah.
Maybe you're not allowed to.
Oh, I don't know.
Talk about it.
No, I did- I did one for a disposable razor.
OK.
And, uh, so I can say anything I want about any other Gillette product, but I'm generally pro-Gillette, so I won't have any problem.
Yeah.
Yeah, but you know, these are little sort of throwaway conversations that really don't deserve to be teased.
No.
But I've done it now.
Anyway.
We'll be back sh-sh-shortly.
That's the phonics with Dakota.
Now, you might like to know if you're a stereophonic fan that this week, in conjunction with the Sunday Times Entertainment Show on DVD giveaway DVD that they have, which is little clips and things of exciting stuff coming out, Sarah Darling on XFM is giving away signed copies of the new Stereophonics album, and one person could win tickets to Milan.
to see the phonics live.
Imagine that.
That would be a fantastic time if you're a Stereophonics fan, if you hated the Stereophonics.
You could just go and not- not see them.
You could just- You could flog the tickets.
You could flog the tickets.
You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on- You could spend the money on
He's, er, sitting on the South Bank reading the paper, basking in the sun and listening to us.
Oh, that's nice.
Isn't that nice?
South Bank on a sunny Saturday afternoon.
Yeah.
We love the South Bank.
We spent many years, Adam and me, er, with the guitar writing songs on the end of the pier at the South Bank near the Oxo Tower.
That's right.
Yeah.
Having wonderful times.
Now, here's some shock TV news.
The rights to the new series by Bose Lecter Man, it's called A Bear's Tale, have already been sold for one million pounds for DVD rights.
Isn't that shocking?
That's the sort of thing that used to make Adam and me quite upset.
And now we're dealing with it really well by talking about it.
The rights to our DVD go for a million pounds.
Cos they haven't.
We've got nothing as genius and inspired as a little Willy coming out of a bear.
Come on, man.
If we'd thought of something that true, we'd deserve lots of money.
But we haven't and we don't.
Now, Doctor Who is not tonight.
It's next week, I think, it starts.
Tonight is a special evening of Doctor Who-themed programmes on BBC Two, if you're a fan.
You might like to check those out.
But mainly, I've been kind of sucked into the dirty world of Channel 5 this week.
And I've just found myself, I guess, on the back of, off the back of Make Me a Supermodel.
I sort of stay watching it, you know?
And just see what's happening around about midnight.
And there's quite a few weird little bits and pieces of stuff they've got on there.
Have you seen That's So Last Week, for example?
Yes.
I have.
That's So Last Week is a sort of topical discussion show.
Yeah, every channel seems to have one at the moment, with comedians on it making widescracks.
But they're just talking to a camera, aren't they?
They're not sort of round a table, they're just talking to a camera.
Yeah, it's like- Saying supposedly funny things about the week.
They're against a blue screen and they're projecting... There's one on BBC 4 with Marcus Brigstock.
That's right.
I forget what that one's called, The Week or something, or this... I can't remember what it's called.
This is extremely weak.
Yeah, everyone's having a go at the format, aren't they?
Yeah, yeah.
It's guaranteed to... I don't know what it's guaranteed to do.
It's guaranteed to drive you mental.
The one on Channel 5, they've got... He actually says, who's the guy that hosts it?
It's Dougie, isn't it?
The Scottish guy.
Yeah, with very big, bright eyes.
Yeah, he's a nice guy, Dougie.
and he sort of hosts the whole thing nominally and then he says he tells you what's happened this week and he says let's see what our comedians make of this week's top stories as if I mean if ever there was a sentence guaranteed to send a chill into your heart yeah it's that one I mean even if you're you know you're about to wheel on Robin Williams and and Lenny Henry I'm trying to think of big comedians
You know, that would still be pretty bad, but the fact is that on That's So Last Week on Channel 5, they've got a series of very, I mean, comedians that maybe started being comedians a week ago.
I tell you who they have got on that.
Do they not have Big Cook Little Cook on it?
I was gonna say, they've got- Big Cook Little Cook.
Ben and Small.
Yeah, but you know, that rather freaked me out because turns out Little Cook isn't little.
he's the same size as Big Cook.
And if I had a child who was into Big Cook, Little Cook, and they stumbled on, you know, fancied a bit of topical comedy, late night topical comedy, that child would be freaked out.
Ricky and Steve talk over each other.
viewers.
Yeah, I'm so disappointed.
For people who don't know, Big Cook Little Cook is a show that's on the BBC.
I think it's CBB's program early in the morning.
My son likes watching it.
He loves it, in fact.
Oh, it's brilliant.
It's this tiny little mini chef that flies around the world on the back of a spoon.
Yeah, small, he's called.
And his friend Ben is a normal sized person who helps him with his recipes and stuff.
And it generally gets kids into cooking.
And best of all, there's a song about cleaning, right?
Yeah.
So it actually encourages kids to clean things up.
It's responsible with the cleaning messages, but not so responsible with the cooking, because they generally cook things like toffee with Smarties stuck on the top to resemble a train.
And that's not a good diet, I don't think.
But yeah, one of the things I liked about the show was that they play it quite straight on the show.
There's no kind of winking and nudge-nudging.
Yeah, get them off late night, Terry.
Get off.
And suddenly I see them swearing and stuff on that show last week.
And it- I know.
That's like when I saw our friend Poi who presents CBBC, she's a short Asian CBB's presenter, who you'll see a lot on CBB's.
She turns up in Bridget Jones's diary playing a Thai prisoner.
A Thai woman prisoner.
He shouldn't be allowed.
Once you've started entertaining the kids, that's all you should be allowed to do.
Exactly.
Look what happened to Richard Bacon.
Yeah, exactly.
He's a sick freak now.
I don't know what's happening to the world.
Incidentally, this is kind of a link into something I might talk about later, Joe.
And there's a funny article that Richard Herring, ex of Leon Herring or still of Leon Herring, I don't know what, the comedian Richard Herring, has written about Big Cook Little Cook on his blog, his web blog.
And you can check that out by going to richardherring.com, I think.
And you're going to talk about this more later?
Well, no, I want to talk about blogs later.
Oh, right.
Er, yeah, richman.com.
Oh, we haven't got much time.
No, exactly.
Well, we've got nice time.
Yeah, what am I going to do about my doorframe-mounted air freshener?
We'll talk about that next.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
There you go.
It's a little free play for you there.
That's the Velvet Underground.
That's nice, the sun.
I've got an ambiguous relationship with the sun.
Why?
Well, it's obviously lovely for a bit, but then it starts to burn your skin and give you cancer.
Yeah, but you've got to take precautions.
I know.
But I'm just saying I've got an ambiguous relationship with the sun.
Ambivalent.
I can make you a... I don't know.
Either would do.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
40 minutes of our show left.
I'd like to talk about this fantastic new air freshener that mounts on the door frame.
Have you seen this, Adam?
Yeah, looks fantastic.
I'm sort of addicted to product evolutions.
Products that are absolutely fine, toothbrushes, razors, air fresheners, there's no problem with them.
They're fine.
They could just leave them alone.
But yet they have to invent a new thing to keep us buying them every year, right?
So it's good fun to try and guess what they're going to do.
I've never done it.
But it must be possible to guess what they're going to do.
So when I saw the latest evolution in air fresheners, an air fresher that mounted to your door frame,
And it's basically triggered by a little switch that's mounted onto the door, so every time the door opens and closes, they use that mechanism to pump a little squirt of petal fragrance.
And the advert features a man who's done a stinky poo.
A man does a stinker.
And a sexy, sexy lady's about to use the loo after him.
And he's worried.
He's an ugly, nerdy man, isn't he?
Cos they're the kind of people that do smelly poos.
Absolutely right.
Ugly nerds.
Yeah, and he's worried that the sexy girl's gonna go in and smell the smells of his private areas and not like it.
Exactly.
She'll come out and she'll go, you disgust me, you nerd.
And this is a very good idea because they're talking about that moment when the stink of the previous occupant hits you the second you walk in the door.
So that wouldn't be taken care of by, for instance, an edge-mounted air freshener.
Wouldn't be taken care of by a plug-in freshener.
Needs to be right by the door.
Right by the door.
But I don't know.
I mean, thinking it through, A, would it not just sort of almost pump directly into her face?
She'd just walk into this powerful chemical cloud of petal stink.
It might sting her lovely eyes and make her bleed almost as if she's been maced.
Also, the other thing about air fresheners... I don't personally use air fresheners at all.
You should.
Well, I open a window.
There's a window in my low.
I just open the window wide.
What if there's no window?
Well, then maybe use an air freshener.
I don't know.
But basically, I think they don't get rid of the smell, do they?
Just makes it smell like pooey petals.
No, they cover the smell.
That's all it's designed to do.
It's just designed to distract you a little bit.
I mean, it's almost as embarrassing sometimes if you've really caused a fog in there and you go with the air freshener, then it's just a sign saying there's been a massive accident.
Well, it's tiny bit extra revolting, isn't it?
It's extra revolting.
It's like sort of putting some cherries on a dog turd.
It doesn't make it any more tasty or pleasing to the eye.
I don't know.
Petal fragrance poo.
And of course this new razor, dry razor, non-electric razor, but it's got one AA battery in it that electrifies your skin and supposedly lifts the bristles.
What do you reckon on that?
That's pretty incredible, isn't it?
They've put the shaving gel in the razor.
They've got how many blades now?
Five?
About five or six.
They've maxed out on five or eight.
Brian's saying there's nine, ten.
We've gone up to ten blades.
Ten blades.
A lubra strip.
Yeah.
So basically, and now, where could they have gone from there?
They're geniuses.
Why do you need the foam and the lubra strip?
So you don't have to pick it up.
You can just...
while you're shaving.
And there it is.
Steve But doesn't the gel inside do the same job as the lubra strip?
Doesn't matter.
Ricky Well, you can't have too many lubras and gels.
Steve Can I just tell you that you have really sold this product to me.
And I- Ricky Well, it's a- I just wonder whether anyone's used it, whether it's worked, cause, uh, of course the next innovation might be actually haunted razors.
Steve Haunted?
Ricky With ghosts in them.
Steve Why?
Ricky To make your hair stand up, I mean.
Steve Laughs Steve Man, you could be on that show, that's so last week.
Ricky I- I don't know, thanks, man.
Steve Laughs
Wow, I wish I could guess the next thing though.
What are they going to do to razors next?
It's got to be guessable.
They've got a battery in the handle, gel in the handle, ten blades, lube.
What about a little UV light that tans your skin, gives you a tan while you shave?
Yeah, or some kind of little bleach strip to give you a sort of nice bleaching, trendy bleaching effect.
What about a belt mounted air freshener that hangs off your belt down your bum crack?
That's good, that's nice.
And it actually applies the freshener directly to the outgoing feces.
That's- that's good, but it's a sunny day.
I just want to remind you it's a sunny day.
Sorry.
What about pills?
What about that?
It's only 2.25.
Alright.
Maybe if anyone's got any suggestions out there, they might like to email us.
We must be able to second guess the scientists at Gillette and Erwick.
Well, let's listen to some adverts and maybe we'll get some inspiration.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
XFM.
That's the bravery there from New York and they're a hot tip for bigness this year.
You heard it here first and that song was called An Honest Mistake.
So thanks everybody who's texted in trying to predict the next innovation in razor technology or indeed air freshen technology.
We were just talking about the razor with a battery in its handle and the air freshener that mounts to the door frame and squirts pretty ladies with chemicals in the eyes.
We've had a very good text from who?
Caro.
C-A-R-O.
Anthony Caro.
And his theory is that, er, aftershave manufacturers will sort of merge with er, razor manufacturers, so you'll get a razor with actual CK1 in it.
Good idea.
For the fashion-aware modern male, the Lubri strip will be infused with trendy cologne scents like Calvin Klein Crave or CK1, so you'll shave and you'll come away from the shave smelling like a sexy stinker.
And, uh, John has suggested one big chin-shaped blade.
So basically you'd have a little handle, it would be a bit like a hoe, wouldn't it?
And then you'd have, or, you know, what is one of those things, like a- you'd have a big blade.
The shape of a chin.
Uh, made of the same- well, now he's getting silly now.
Made of the same stuff as the T-1000 in the Terminator, which is- That's not real.
No, that's computer-animated.
I don't think it's real.
Ah, but that would be quite good.
So you'd just drag this blade down your face.
It might actually shave your lips off.
It would hurt you quite badly, I would say.
It would actually probably just slice the bottom of your face off.
And cut your throat.
Cut your throat, but it would be a very close shave.
It would!
Yeah, and then you wouldn't have to put on any lipstick, cos there'd be blood all over your face.
Good thought.
Thanks very much for those emails.
Thanks.
They were texts.
And texts.
This is Adam and John, XFM.
Here's a classic from the vaults now.
From the Echo... The vaults.
Yeah.
What's wrong with the vaults?
It's a little bit of shorthand.
The vaults!
The XFM vaults!
The rock vaults!
The indie vaults!
It's where Akko and the Bunnymen live, and here they are with their classic cut, The Cutter.
That's fantastic.
Echo and the Bunnymen with the Cutter.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Now, just before we launched Ditties in the Dock, I just wanted to talk about blogs a tiny bit.
Now, Joe, you don't have a blog, do you?
No.
and I don't have a blog.
And, uh, I don't really know that much about blogs except for the fact that they are web- it's short for web blog, right?
Steve Yeah, it's just an online diary.
Ricky Online diary.
Steve Yeah.
Ricky But it- the other thing it is, is a sort of series of links.
You know, people put up their things they're enthusiastic about.
The only reason I mention them is because our friend Graham, who actually phoned earlier on trying to nick that, uh,
picture that we gave away, yeah.
But he's just started his own blog, and, um, he's a writer, he's a comedy writer, wrote Father Ted and Black Books and things like that.
So he's always on top of lots of interesting things, and he's got amazing links on his web blog.
Steve sounds a bit rude.
what, being on top of interesting things and having amazing links?
Well I can't help it, that's just what he's like.
There's a cartoon, a sort of web animation called Strong Bad, have you ever seen that?
Oh it's funny stuff man, you should go and check it out.
If you're interested in Graham's log, it is www.livejournal.com.
What?
Nothing.
Brian was making faces.
Why?
Because- Because I'm plugging Graham's blog.
Yeah, go on.
Keep going.
It's a good blog.
It is a good blog.
I tell you what- And I feel as if I'm talking about it, then I should tell people where it is.
Livejournal.com forward slash users.
Is Graham happy with that?
Yeah, yeah, I asked him if he didn't mind.
I tell you, there was one- I mean, the terrible thing is, these are the sort of things that go around offices, aren't they?
And like these little films.
No, but this- the point of this is that it's a good one.
It is a good one, because I saw one of Graham's blog that people may have seen with a guy giving a gun in- a gun safety class who shoots himself in the foot.
I couldn't download that one, is it real?
That's hilarious.
That's genuinely very funny.
Yeah.
I can't read out this whole thing because it's just so long, the address.
Livejournal.com forward slash users forward slash tau dash forward slash.
Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
One minute past five.
Yes!
The Dutch government has finally fallen.
Now we can get a real government.
That sounds interesting.
You know, the problem with blogs is one day there'll be more blogs than people to read them.
I mean, there probably already are.
If everyone in the world has a blog, who's reading these things?
It's like just, you know, what's the point?
Well, the point is like Graham's ones, which are good.
Yeah, to make them good, exactly.
Anyway, there you go.
I was just... It's time now for Ditties In The Dark.
And remember this week you can win, everybody who calls and gets on air wins a triple CD collection called The 80's Soul Weekender.
It's full of classic 80's soul, what sort of tracks on there Adam?
Grab one of them and read some of those out.
Running away by Roy Ayers.
Oh classic.
D-Train, you're the one for me.
Oh brilliant.
Ain't no stopping us now, McFadden and Whitehead.
A fantastic collection of 80's soul, that must be worth what, at least £400? £500.
£500 is in the shops now, in case you don't get on air.
Thanks to whoever gave us those.
What a brilliant prize.
And this week's Ditties in the Dock is Bowie covers.
Covers of classic Bowie songs.
Why don't you go first, Alan Buxton?
OK, I'm going for... I'll make this short.
I'm going for Bauhaus.
and their version of Ziggy Stardust.
Now, this was the first time I ever heard Ziggy Stardust, in fact.
I heard Bauhaus' version when it was in the charts in the early 80s.
I thought, this is good.
This is important stuff.
Didn't even realize it was a cover of Bowie at that point.
And then when I finally did hear Bowie's own version of Ziggy Stardust, I thought it was lacking.
I thought Bauhaus had nailed Stardust more splendidly than Bowie himself.
Wow.
Just with more gush and more gush?
More gush.
That's good.
That's disgusting.
Relish and gusto, that's what I was thinking of.
Some relish and some gusto.
And it was covered with both relish and gusto, the Bauhaus version.
And it sounds really very relevant, if I can use that word today.
It's just, it rocks, okay?
And that's all I'm saying.
Bauhaus with Ziggy Stardust.
So there you go, you get to call 08712221049 and vote for either Bauhaus' cover of what I've totally forgotten what it is, what is it?
Ziggy.
Ziggy Stardust, or my choice, Joe Cornish's choice, Joe Cornish, is Bowie's classic song, The Man Who Sold The World, covered by Nirvana.
Similarly, this is a better version, I think, than Bowie's actual version.
I don't know, I think so.
It's from their unplugged performance in 1993, shortly before Kurt Cobain was found dead.
There's nothing funny about that.
Just the way you said it, like.
Well, you know, as a news reader, I made my voice sound moroseful, because of course it's very sad.
It was originally recorded by Lulu.
And produced by Bowie, but I think the Nirvana version is is vastly superior.
It's an acoustic version as I've said so there we go It's Bowie.
Sorry originally recorded by you know.
I'm just my brain is is actually crumbling as I speak all sum it up Adam sum it up Well, it was originally recorded by David Bowie, but it was covered by Lulu as well as Nirvana I think I thought it was first recorded by Lulu and
I think it was first recorded by Lulu, then Bowie had it on his album.
Well, that might be the case.
Perhaps someone could confirm that.
I didn't realize that was the case.
There we go, the number's 08712221049.
It's Bauhaus or Nirvana, both with classic Bowie covers.
Get calling.
XFM.
Oh, it's modern neonsic.
Kasabian with clubfoot.
This is Adam and Joe, and this is XFM.
It's Diddy's In The Dock time this week.
It is a Bowie covers play-off.
Bauhaus with Ziggy Stardust versus Nirvana with The Man Who Sold The World.
Adam did very good pitch there for Bauhaus.
I warrant my pitch for Nirvana's The Man Who Sold The World was my worst ever.
You sounded confused.
You didn't sound as if it was your favourite song.
I sounded confused.
I didn't sound like I really cared about it.
Could that be a clue to the truth?
I don't know.
So here we go.
We've got five callers on the line.
Everybody who goes on air wins a copy of the 80s Soul Weekender three CD set.
The very best of 80s soul there.
So first of all we've got Adrian on line one.
Hello Adrian.
Hi, how you doing guys?
Very well, how are you?
Yeah, good thanks.
Good one, is that it then?
Are you enjoying the sunshine?
That's a kind of DJ question.
Are you enjoying the sunshine?
I'm actually just watching the rugby, so I'm a bit... Are you enjoying the rugby?
Yeah, I am actually.
I've got the rugby on silent and I've got you guys on the radio.
Hey!
Well done.
So Adrian, what are you voting for?
Is it going to be Bauhaus or Nirvana?
I'm actually going to go to Bauhaus.
What?
Why?
I think the Nirvana song is a lot better, but you just don't hear it on the radio, the Bauhaus song, so I'm going to go for that.
Ah, interesting logic.
There you go.
So that's 1-0 to Buxton, 1-0 to Bauhaus.
Thanks for calling Adrian, you win that CD.
Jason online too, hello Jason.
Good afternoon, chaps.
Sup?
What's going on?
Have you got some sort of a horn practice going on there?
No, I actually live next door to Park and that's a young boy on his cycle.
Really?
Which park do you live next door to?
Park in Maidstone in Kent.
Oh, very nice.
Not really, no.
Not really.
Really?
You get lots of drug dealers.
A lot of glass and needles and bottles.
Ah, lovely.
Well, go for a little barefoot jog.
It's like Kennington Park.
Listen, what are you going to vote for, Jason?
I'd like to go for Bauhaus, too.
Ooh, two for Bauhaus.
Are you familiar with that version, Jason?
No, I just like the name of the artist.
Yeah, there you go.
You like the name of the artist.
So you're just going phonetically on the sound of the word.
He likes the movement.
I quite like that bow.
Yeah.
This is hopeless.
Jason, thanks very much for your call.
That's two for Bauhaus.
Joe needs, he badly needs one for Nevada.
He's got to have one otherwise he's out of the picture.
Simple as that.
Douglas, are you there?
Yes, hello, Joe.
Hello Douglas, yeah that's right, don't say hello to Adam, just say hello to me.
Hello Joe.
Hello, am I your favourite?
Of course you are.
You're my favourite!
Thank you.
Who are you voting for?
Nirvana?
Of course.
Yeah, brilliant.
This is rubbish, isn't it?
Well I haven't heard it, but I'm sticking with what I know and what I like, and I love Bowie, but it's still a good cover.
Yeah, Douglas, you sound like a really clever man.
I am very clever.
Have you got qualifications?
None.
None?
You sound- heh heh heh, none, good.
You sound like the kind of person that's outside the XFM remit.
Yeah.
The kind of person that XFM don't take into account, and they should do, because you're important.
Important to us and important to you.
You're saying old, aren't you?
No, I don't think you're old, I think you've just got a very wise mind.
What do you do for a living, Douglas?
I'm an artist.
Really?
Douglas, you're so cool.
What sort of pictures do you paint?
Figurative or abstract?
I draw.
You draw.
Figurative or abstract?
Um, storyboard.
Really?
Storyboard artist, nice one.
Cool.
Have you storyboarded any movie recently?
You're Batman.
No!
Yes!
Get out of there!
Wow.
I'm not allowed to talk about it.
I know quite a lot about Batman because I've got a friend who worked on it.
Because you are Batman.
Yeah.
And, uh, the Batmobile jumps through a waterfall, doesn't it?
Yes, it does.
Yeah, it does.
Did you draw that picture?
Um, started to.
Do you think it's going to be good, Batman Begins?
I've heard it's going to be good.
I bet it's gonna be good, I'm excited.
Really?
Well, you should be less proud of Douglas.
Hey, no, that's good, man.
I saw your pictures on the DVD on the extras.
Oh, did you?
Yeah, they were fantastic.
Douglas, we could talk to you all day.
Yeah, what's your second name, Douglas?
Ingram.
Well, all strength to your drawing arm, Douglas.
And what are you voting for?
Really?
Hey, what are you voting for, mate?
I told you.
He told us already, he's going for Nirvana.
He's your best friend.
OK, sorry, I'd forgotten.
I was so excited about storyboarding.
Douglas, thanks so much for your call.
2-0 to Buxton.
OK.
I need another vote for Nirvana.
We're running out of time now.
We've talked to Douglas for so long.
Rob, Rob, Rob.
Rob, are you there?
Hello, Rob?
He's gone.
Sarah?
Sarah, are you there?
I think because of the Douglas talking.
Sarah, are you there?
Yes, I'm here.
Hey, how you doing?
Hello, I'm very well.
OK, we've got to make this quick now.
What are you going to vote for?
Is it Bauhaus or is it Nirvana?
I'm going with Bauhaus.
Oh, that's it.
It's the end of the line for Cornish.
Thank you very much indeed, Sarah.
And to Rob, Douglas, Jason and Adrian, you'll win those CDs.
Thanks for calling.
Thanks to everyone for listening this week.
Enjoy the sunshine and we'll be back on Easter weekend next week.
Right now, here's Bauhaus.
I think he played guitar I mean, cause there's better than giving
Became the special man Then we were Ziggy's band As if you'd really stand Screwed up eyes and screwed up head-do Like a cat from Japan If you let on by smiling You can even draw a hand Came on so loaded, man Well, high on the snow
As the moonlight will guide us So he thinks about his past And should we cross his sweet path?
This is hateful time, driving us that we
Making love with his ego To get sucked up in tune