Hi, I'm Adam.
Hi, I'm Joe.
Joe.
Hello, this is Adam and Joe on XFM.
That was Feeder with Feeling A Moment.
We're here with you for the next two hours.
Say hello, Adam.
Hi, how you doing?
And before Feeder, you heard Block Party, of course, with Banquet.
Now, what have we got coming up on the show today, Joe?
What can we tease?
All sorts of stuff.
Oh, stuff.
Yeah, stuff.
We've got a competition in which you can win Bubba Hotep.
That might be Dizzy's in the dock, actually, towards the end of the two hours.
And we're going to have a celebrity regression, where you could win a special edition of Apollo 13, the film about the men that go into space in the spaceship.
The Ray gets by the man from Happy Days.
Yeah.
So there we go.
What more motivation could you possibly need for listening?
As well as terrific music from the likes of Queens of the Stone Age, the Libertines, the Ordinary Boys, the Future Heads, Weezer, and that's just the first hour.
That's unbelievable.
Plus we're going to be talking about provocative pop culture related subjects.
Er, and if you want to join in, you can text us on 83XFM or email us, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
Have you got some provocative stuff up your sleeves?
I have.
Today, er, well yesterday I went to see the Amityville Horror remake.
Oh yeah, we talked about that a couple of weeks ago.
Yeah, yeah.
And I was, er, speculating that it was going to be a pointless waste of time.
Well, how sort of on spot on you were.
OK, well we'll find out more.
I tell you what I've done.
What have you done?
I've drawn up a list of ten... Oh, thank God, I thought you'd killed someone.
Yeah, no.
Well, I might have done that as well.
Oh, no.
But I've also drawn up a list of ten things that are no longer scary.
Good one.
Okay, ten things that should just be... they should stop doing in horror films.
Right, little things.
They're not scary anymore.
Little techniques.
And I'd like to issue this to all filmmakers.
Very good.
A round robin email.
Round Robin.
I love Round Robin.
I'm full of all the phrases today.
Yeah.
But that's coming up in a bit.
Very exciting.
Right now, let's just play some music, yeah, just to keep the energy up.
Here's Queens of the Stone Age.
Knockers.
Is it enough just to go...
Yeah, I think that sort of proves that it is.
It is enough.
Well done.
It's more than enough.
Well done, Queens of the Stone Age.
Well, they are from the Stone Age, I suppose.
They're sort of Stone Age noises.
It's more kind of, uh, medieval.
They're Queens of the Medieval Age, I would say.
Right.
OK.
Uh, but very good.
That's called Little Sister.
Um, I haven't watched that much TV and stuff this week.
You've let us all down.
Well, I feel as if I haven't done my work, my homework, you know?
I've just been sort of having a kind of different life and doing other things.
I went on the London Eye again.
I'm pretty much a regular on the London Eye.
That was good fun.
But the last thing I watched that made an impression on me, apart from Dead Man's Shoes, which I got on DVD, which was brilliant.
I strongly recommend you look at that if you haven't seen it.
I second that.
Paddy Considine.
Oh, I'm quite attracted to Paddy Considine, I think, now.
Anyway, the last thing I saw on TV that made an impression was the 50 Greatest Sketches on Channel 4.
Yeah, we'd been away for a week.
We weren't here last weekend.
I think the 50 Greatest Sketches was possibly just after we were on Last.
a couple of weeks ago on Channel 4, yeah, on a Sunday maybe.
They've got this new presenter
Oh, was Jimmy Carr presenting that one?
I don't know, I didn't see it.
I was going to make a lame joke about Jimmy Carr.
I'm not sure that he was presenting it, actually.
But, you know, it was just the usual kind of round-up of random... random list-type business from Channel 4.
Basically three or four... I'd love to know exactly how it worked.
Maybe if someone from Channel 4 could phone up and let us know what the process was, cos it's all hung around a pole.
I'll tell you what the process is.
Yeah, what is it?
There's a list... There's a pre-ordained list of sketches on the website.
And so you choose, I think, out of an already sort of selected gathering of sketches.
So you can't just chuck anything in.
I think you're choosing from... You're putting a 50 that Channel 4 have suggested in order.
I think that's correct.
Yeah, that's more or less how it would work, because they've got to figure out what they can show, clearability-wise, and what they want to show to prop up their notion of what constitutes great comedy.
Are you talking about Bo Selector?
Erm, I don't mind Bo Selekter.
There was a couple of people putting it down.
What are you talking about then?
What's made you angry?
I just- it makes me a little- as much as I like Little Britain, to have, er, Lou and Andy in the swimming pool, the number one greatest sketch of all time- Well, that's the same as Robbie Williams being voted the number one songwriter of all time, isn't it?
It's just whoever's big at the time always goes to number one.
It's Ludacris.
Cos that's all the kids know.
I know and I know.
Ludacris?
It's Ludacris.
Is he at number one?
He's at number one.
He's amazing.
He's a new rapper.
Erm, but no, you know, it's something I've-
banged on about so many times and it's a bit, I'm sounding like an old man about it, but it just, it's like a fresh slap in the face every time you see one of those shows, you know what I mean?
No Alexi Sale in there.
No Adam and Joe.
Did we ever do a sketch?
We never did a sketch.
We transcended the sketch format.
We were beyond sketches.
We didn't have catch phrases or sketches or anything funny.
We got rid of all that kind of stuff.
But, you know, it just made me angry.
And it reminded me again of my brilliant idea for a new kind of sketch show.
So you've got Goodness Gracious Me, which you could say was for the Asian community.
Smack the Pony for ladies.
The Sketch Show for special needs viewers.
And for the gay community, you could have Ooh Ducky.
which would be a new kind of sketch show with all sketches about being gay.
In it.
What do you reckon?
Are you excited?
That's exciting.
Now here's a sample sketch.
Middle aged gay couple, they're watching TV, their son comes in and says, hi dad, I've got something to tell you.
No, hi dad, hi dad, you get a laugh there, because he says, hi to two, anyway.
Right, I've got something to tell you.
What is it son, says one of the dads.
I'm I'm I'm I'm straight says the Sun you're what and they're furious because They're gay.
He's quick play record coming out because he's But do you understand the brilliance of ooducky?
Yeah Turn the record up turn us down
Is he saying, makes me potty?
There.
Makes him party.
Oh, that terrifies me.
Makes me potty.
That's his own bibbo with modern love.
When was that, from 1918?
Four, five, or something like that.
Really?
Yeah.
So coming up in a second, celebrity regression.
I'm going to regress Adam into the mind and films of a film star.
You have to guess what film and who the star is.
You could win a copy of the Apollo 13 special edition.
Two discs.
Wow.
Yeah.
Imagine.
And Baba Hotep, or Baba Hotep, depending on what you want.
Depending on what you want.
It's a really easy one this week, so stand by your phones.
I'll give out the number now.
What the hell?
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
That's the number to call.
Not only for competition time, but for anything.
Just for a chat.
What are you saying?
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm saying.
Adam and Joe here on XFM.
XFM.
Gosh, it almost caught me out there.
I was almost a bit like, nothing's gonna stop us now.
Who invented that style of singing?
He did.
Did he?
Not Chris Martin, it's slightly Chris Martin, isn't it?
It's as if someone's pinching his little bum while he's singing.
Or just he's really anxious about the world and the environment.
And he can't quite sing.
It's sort of I'm almost about to burst into tears, isn't it?
That's the whole style of early noughties singing.
Don't pinch my bum!
I think pinching the bum is just a bit- Don't pinch my bum!
That would be less interesting if that was all it was.
Sometimes it's as simple as that.
Is it?
Yeah.
It's all it comes down to, a little technique like that.
OK, 0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9, I'm about to put Adam under.
If you can guess what film star he's being regressed into and what the films are, you could win either a copy of Bubba Ho-Tep or Apollo 13.
Are you ready, Adam?
I am ready.
Ring the bell.
OK.
this is celebrity regression if you'd like to be regressed along at home as long as you're not operating a heavy vehicle or in charge of young children then do feel free take deep breaths in through the nose out through the mouth expand the stomach and drift clear your mind etc you know the sort of thing uh drift back your five your four your three your two your one your tiny little fetus you're a little spermatozoa
Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty Glinty
I'm in an office.
Oh, it's so boring.
It looks like a hospital room or something boring.
This place is full of stiffs, and I mean literally.
Take the guy I've got to work with.
He's boring my entire ass off.
But that always happens to me, because my ass is crazy!
Why else would I listen to a live version of Jumping Jack Flash by the Rolling Stones over and over again on my Walkman?
That's right, because I'm a crazy ass!
And to prove it, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do something crazy to this boring place, man.
I'm gonna make a crazy sex party, and it's gonna be full of nice prostitutes.
Not the nasty, drug-addicted ones, but nice ones who just wanna make some money and have some fun.
And thanks to me and my crazy ass and my Walkman, they can!
Jumping jack flashes and gas, gas, gas!
Look out, my crazy ass!
Just breathe, just breathe.
I'm not gonna... Hey, finish.
I'm now going to take Adam into the mind of the movie.
Well, you know, the same movies, Doug, different movie.
Wake up, tell us what you see.
I'm in bed.
I've got a headache.
Ooh, there's someone in bed with me.
Ooh, my crazy ass!
Oh, no, wait, she's dead.
From a drug overdose.
Oh, no.
Also, my bad real estate dealings have left me in terrible debt.
My sleazy life is catching up with me!
I'd better hide, but where can I be guaranteed anonymity?
I've got it!
A rehab center!
But now, I'm being forced by my tough-but-kindly counselor to look at my problems.
Ooh!
Look at my problems.
My ass isn't crazy anymore.
In fact, my ass is delivering the performance of a lifetime.
Drugs are bad.
Do you understand me?
I'm crying.
I want an Oscar, please.
No.
Dustin Hoffman's taken the Oscar.
I can't believe it.
That's difficult just for pretending to be simple.
They want my ass to be crazy again.
But I want a serious ass.
got serious I've got a serious ass look at my serious ass seven one two two two one oh four nine let's reverse Adam into the third and final film Adam open your eyes tell us what you can see excuse me I'm cold oh I'm very cold I'm cold on two levels level one I'm cold as a father for example I'm
I'm always traveling around with my bad music band, featuring Mark Addy from The Full Monty, who was kidnapped from England and forced to make bad films in America for the rest of his life.
The problem is, I spend too much time playing bad blues, and I neglect the most important thing in my life.
My crazy ass.
No, no, my son.
My son.
And because of that reason, I'm now literally cold.
And also, I have a carrot in my face, and a disturbingly evil expression, which is not intentional.
Some people say this is the worst film ever made, but I'll kill them!
There's something for everyone in this movie.
Fun snow action for kids, lessons on being a good father for the grown-ups, and my crazy ass for the brain dead!
Catch my ass before it melts!
That's a clue!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow, this is, uh... Previously, you sort of witnessed the movies.
Now you're aware that you're in movies.
What?
The regression may be finally working.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
If you know what film star and what films Adam was being regressed into, you could win a wicked DVD.
Baba, hold that.
Can't Stand Me Now by The Libertines, the first single to be taken from London, the London Quartet's eponymous second album out on August the 30th.
I'm reading that.
You join us midway through celebrity regression.
Adam has been regressed into the mind and movies of a famous film star.
Roland is on the line.
He thinks he knows the film star and the movies.
Hello, Roland.
Hi.
How are things going?
Not bad.
Are you talking on a homemade phone?
No, I'm on the mobile.
I'm actually in a very big room.
Really?
Yeah.
OK, what's your guess at the movie?
Well, hang on a second, Roland.
OK.
I'm going to get you to say, well, how are we going to do this?
I've forgotten how we do this.
I can't ask Adam, because he's being regressed.
No, I'm on three films, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell me the three films, first of all, Roland.
What do you think now?
I think just direct.
Yeah?
Jump Through Deck Fresh.
Yeah.
OK, and I want you to say the name of the star, and if you're correct, Adam will come out of his regressed state.
Say the name of the star.
Whoopi!
Roland, you're wrong.
He's still in his regressed state.
How did you get Whoopi?
How do you mean?
Well, he went and jumped and jacked a flare.
She went like a prostitute.
She was a prostitute in Sister Act, no?
Wasn't she?
Was she hanging out with other prostitutes in Sister Act and she was like undercover nun or something?
I've tried never to see Sister Act and Undercover Nun.
Yeah, well, it's wrong, Roland.
I know where you got that from.
Jumping Jack Flash makes sense, doesn't it?
But maybe she was a prozzie at the beginning of Sister Act, I don't know.
But I'm sorry, Roland, you're wrong.
We cannot reward you with Baba Hotep, but thank you very much for calling.
Let's go to James.
Hello, James.
Hi there.
Hey, James, do you think you might have got it right?
I think I have, yeah.
OK, tell us the films first.
Right, I know the first film is Night Shift.
Yeah, second film?
The second film I don't know.
What?!
Okay, move on to the third film.
The third is Jack Frost.
Wow.
And what's the name of the star?
Again, if you get it right, Adam will wake up.
If you get it wrong, he'll remain under.
Michael Keaton.
That's extraordinary.
I'm awake.
Now, I could talk for half an hour about Jack Frost alone.
Yeah, of course.
How come you've seen Jack Frost, James?
I haven't actually seen it.
Yeah, well, you obviously know about it.
I'm very aware of it, yeah.
Everyone knows about the film.
Everyone's picked it up and looked at it, but we've not had the balls to actually rent it.
Well, who would, though, if I did?
I did.
Did you really?
Yeah, I've seen Jack Frost.
With the evil snowman on the front.
Yeah.
That's amazing.
It's an extraordinary film.
Oh, well, the middle one.
Is this James we're talking to?
Yeah.
James, the middle, of course you've got Night Shift directed by Ron Howard, it's a little tie in there because we're giving away Ron Howard's extraordinary Apollo 13 later on.
But that starred Michael Keaton as well as he, the Fonz, Henry Winkler.
There's a couple of guys who set up a kind of brothel in a morgue.
The film Night Shift, it's not bad.
The second one was Clean and Sober.
Boring film.
That was a boring film.
That was Michael Keaton's bid for Oscar glory but he was
He's not even nominated that year and Hoffman walks off with all the statues for Rain Man.
Do you care about any of this, James?
Um, oh yeah, it's fascinating.
Yeah, there you go.
I was just checking.
Well, it's just a little bit of background info on some of the films in the competition.
Jack Frost was the last one.
That's all there is to say about that.
That's all there is to say.
For people who don't know, Keaton plays a father who's been neglecting his fatherly duties, who dies in a car crash, and is reincarnated as a snowman who then is a much better father to his son until he begins to melt.
And it's much weirder than it sounds, if that's possible.
So James, Baba Hota, Apollo 13.
Oh, I'd really like Bubba Hotep, please.
You got it.
It's coming your way.
Cheers.
We're glad, actually, because we were worried about what we were going to do with that copy of Bubba Hotep.
But, James, it's winging its way to you and very much hope you enjoy it.
Thanks very much for calling in.
Here's a free play right now.
This is by Silver Jews.
What?
And it's called People.
Silver what?
Silver Jews.
They're Jews and they're silver.
You know, they're members of the Jewish community.
OK.
Silver Jews.
There you go.
That's called People by Silver Jews.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We're going to have a kind of text competition very soon, aren't we, Joe?
Yes, we are.
Yes, we are, yes.
We're going to be introducing that shortly.
Also, you just dropped a bomb on me.
I completely forgot that you went to the Make Me a Supermodel.
Sort of finale party.
That's correct.
Regular listeners to the show will remember that we made a big- I made a big fuss about it, so inevitably I got invited and of course I went and had a fabulous time.
Wow, can't wait to hear about all that.
That's the end of the anecdote, that's it.
No, no.
I'm gonna squeeze more than that out of that anecdote.
So join us again shortly.
XFM
My Sharona.
That's good though.
Who was it?
I've completely forgotten.
The Future Heads, of course.
The Future Heads.
There's a lot of bands that sound quite similar in their approach to the audio sound, including the Kaiser Chiefs, and of course before that were the Ordinary Boys, quite similar.
Not saying there's anything wrong with that.
It's my favourite kind of music, so in a way it makes me ecstatic.
Joe, help me out here, I'm just babbling.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it's good babbling.
I was enjoying it.
OK.
This is Adam and Joel on XFM.
We're here with you for another hour and five minutes.
Ditty's in the dock coming up at the end of the show.
And we're going to do a text competition to win some rock and roll tickets to a rock and roll gig.
Oh, I love that.
Is it the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
Oh, the Manic Street Preachers.
Behemoths.
Yeah.
So here we go.
I saw Amityville Horror yesterday.
Wow.
The remake of the classic, well it's not really classic, the remake of the average 70s movie that's now an average noughties movie.
And it's pretty average.
But one of the things that was most annoying about it was the fact that, you know, I see a lot of horror films, Ring Two, Grudge, Ring One, all that shenanigans.
That's three.
I've seen three horror films.
Well I've seen a lot.
God Send I saw as well.
I haven't.
I haven't seen High Music.
I see them all.
Er, and they're doing the same things in all of them, so I thought I'd just write a list of ten things that, if there are any horror filmmakers listening, I'm not sure there probably aren't.
Douglas might be listening, our storyboard artist friend, he's got contacts in Hollywood.
Maybe Edgar Wright's listening.
Maybe Edgar's in Los Angeles, maybe Garth's listening.
Garth Jennings, director of Hitchhiker's, he might be listening.
Ah, basically I'm wasting my breath, but here we go.
The ten things that I think are no longer scary and should be banned in horror films.
If we were prepared, we'd have a sort of scary backing track for this.
I'll do one.
But we don't really.
Okay, and number one, I don't think you should.
Okay.
Number one, ghoulish women with long black hair emerging from unlikely places.
That's an obvious one, isn't it?
That's J-horror, isn't it?
Yeah.
but any any woman with a pale face and very long black hair it's just not scary anymore it's uh is it called kabuki uh the tradition of movies that that came with the the sort of uh no yeah but that's where it came from i read an article with the guy who directed the ring right he said that all that is not a film tradition is it it's theater yeah and he said that's where the images come from though that possibly possibly yeah
Well, it- I just think it should be stopped.
OK.
Could you agree?
I know, I'm just giving it some historical context.
That's very good, I'm confused and frightened by your knowledge.
And number two, any ghost on the ceiling, anti-gravity ghosts.
Yeah, right.
Any- you look up and you see hands and knees on the ceiling going-
Yeah.
It's not scary.
First time you saw that, can you remember?
Er, probably, er, The Fury.
Yeah, The Fury.
Brilliant.
The guys are floating in the air in The Fury.
OK, but it's over now.
The Fury was in the 70s, wasn't it?
Early 80s, maybe.
Yeah, it was a long time ago.
Yeah.
Number three.
Anything coming out of the bath.
Yeah.
While you're in the bath, hands coming out of the bath.
Don't you think?
Not scary.
Anything pulling you under the bath.
It was good in Nightmare on Elm Street when the hand with the knives came out.
I think it was number two.
Was it number one?
I can't remember.
Nearly slashed up her bits.
That was good.
But, uh... Well, it's not mine, it's from the film.
Number four.
Wide-eyed, pale children with invisible friends.
Yeah.
Any child with an invisible friend, you know, is done.
It's been done about six times in the last year.
Countless.
No more of those, please.
By the way, all these things, pretty much, are in the Amityville remake.
At number six... No, sorry, at number five, wide-eyed pale children who draw inappropriately horrifying pictures.
You know little Sammy, sitting on his bed?
What are you drawing, Sammy?
A picture?
And it's a disgusting picture of a man being decapitated and a demon.
You know?
There you go.
Oh, that's good, that's good.
Lila is so exhausted, she's just run out there, she can barely breathe now, she's about to have a coronary.
Wouldn't you agree with that one, Adam, though?
Yeah, I would.
Yeah.
Number six, and then start to speed up through these.
Okay.
Any and all shocking words scrawled on a wall in blood.
You know, you come into a room, in Amityville Horror, the remake, it's catch them and kill them, spelt with a catch with a K, as if being bad at spelling's gonna make him an even more horrifying killer.
Do you think that kind of thing predated the Manson murders?
No, I think it started with the Manson murders, that's what pretty much inspired it, but it shouldn't be carrying on, you know, 30 years later.
No, they even had it in, what was that film, was it Jagged Edge they had it in?
Yeah, it's in Hide and Seek, it's in Amityville Horror, everyone.
Fridge magnet letters, the Adam and Joe way in Amityville horror, so you know, that's a bit of a progression.
OK, at number seven, any monster appearing in the bathroom mirror who then disappears when they turn around.
That's over, surely that's over.
I mean, as soon as anyone looks in a bathroom mirror in a horror film, you know there's gonna be some demon popping up behind them.
Yeah, no, that's- Moratorium on that one.
Definitely.
At number eight, ghosts or monsters or possessed people with their heads wibbly wobbling at high speed.
Oh, yeah.
They didn't really have that in the Amityville horror.
Yeah, especially with bondage.
They'll have someone, like, strapped into a weird torture device with a strap across their forehead, and then they'll film- they'll film it at normal speed, right?
The person wiggling their head, then they speed it up and put an effect-
That's not, that's just funny.
Did they really put the wobbly effect on?
Yeah, they always put the wobbly effect.
It's just funny, it's not scary.
Well, yeah, again, first time I saw that was Jacob's Ladder.
Yeah, it was good in Jacob's Ladder.
It was brilliant, very impressive, never seen it there.
But it's over there.
But yeah, you know, that's the kind of thing that's going to pop up in a Pot Noodle advert next week.
Yeah, stop it, stop it.
I tell you what it'll pop up in is a road safety advert, because that's where these devices end up, in road safety adverts, then they finish.
At number nine, a spectral figure darting through the picture very quickly, accompanied by a sudden loud noise.
What was that?
In the background, in the foreground, could be glimpsed while you're going up in a lift.
That's how they do it in the grudge.
That's over.
Again, first time you saw that.
Exorcist 3 was a good one.
That was brilliant, the guy darting through the corridor with the big scissors.
Yeah.
That was the only good bit in the film.
Yeah, done.
That's done, that's over, moratorium on that one.
And finally at number 10, sudden loud noises generally.
They're not frightening, I mean shocks, band shocks.
No, it's not one.
Sorry.
They're not frightening, they're just annoying and unpleasant and dangerous for people with heart conditions.
Yeah.
That sort of thing.
It is cinema's laziest device, isn't it?
So if you can contribute to that list, what do you think is the most overused thing in modern horror films?
What should just be stopped?
Text us, 83XFM, and we'll reward the best suggestion with tickets for the Manic Street preachers at the Hammersmith Apollo on Tuesday the 19th of April.
The most tired, cliched thing in horror films you've seen.
Text us, 83XFM.
We'll be back very shortly.
XFM
yeah smile like you mean it by the killers and before that you heard feel good incorporated by the gorillas if you're a fan of new music then xfm obviously is the best place for you joe i'm mainly talking to you yeah oh thanks um and i know that you're very excited about the new single from the white stripes white stripes well you can hear that on xfm next week when sean keaveny plays it uh he's on uh 10 a.m monday morning playing the latest offering from detroit's finest on tuesday joe cornish you can hear chris
Just in O'Connell debuting the new single from the Coldplay.
I don't know if you know this, but they're going to be really big.
One of them's going out with a famous Hollywood star.
Cooled Pla?
Cooled Plea.
Cooled Play.
Coldplay.
And yeah, he's going out with Kirstie Alley, I think.
And you can hear that on Christina O'Connell's show on Tuesday after 8 a.m.
at some point.
And finally, if you're a Foo Fighters fan, which I certainly am, on Wednesday lunchtime, Ian Baker's gonna be ready to play the new single from them, the Foo Fighters.
So there you go.
That's exciting, isn't it?
Brilliant stuff.
We've been counting down our top ten of things that are no longer frightening in horror.
We finished counting it down.
We were asking you for your suggestions.
We've had some very good ones come in.
Oh, well done.
OK, here's some good ones.
I mean, they're all fairly obvious so far.
Pets growling at something and backing away.
That's good.
Yeah, because the pets know.
What is it, sniffy?
The animals can sense the evil.
Animals can sense the evil.
I don't think my cat can sense evil, though.
Does your cat go towards evil?
Well, when I'm ever feeling spooked in the house, I always look to the cat first.
And if the cat's curled up and happy, I think, fine, no poltergoosts.
And what I'm saying is the cat's never been skittish, so maybe my house isn't haunted.
Right.
Horrific flashbacks accompanied by whispering farty noises and smudgy images, says James.
Now, that's a good one, I think.
Flashbacks, you know, with sound effects on them and a bang on every single cut.
Oh yeah, because they're kind of feeling some terrible event that happened in that space.
In the past, yeah.
Some ancient historical killing.
I don't want to give anything away.
Oh, that's scary.
Well that's just a lawnmower.
Isn't it?
I think it is just a lawnmower.
It's just garden work.
Okay, also suggested by John from Bognor and by Fred.
baddies who come back to life and then who are shot suddenly by the hero's accomplice who's standing behind them.
That's a convention of action movies and thrillers really and horror films.
Another good one is cats jumping out of cupboards.
Very prominent in the grudge.
a cat in a cupboard.
And that says Will.
And Will also asked the question, what's- what are the cats doing in the cupboards in the first place?
Steve Good point, Will.
Ricky I don't pop my cat in the cupboard, maybe I should.
Steve No, don't, because you'll freak yourself out, man, when it pops out.
Ricky That's true, I'll pop the- the cat's annoying me, meow, I want food, that sort of stuff, pop it in the cupboard, forget about it.
Steve Forget about it.
Ricky Forget about it.
Later, open the cupboard- Steve Whoa!
Ricky The cat!
Oh, it's not a very scary scenario, is it?
That must have come from aliens.
Was there cats jumping out before aliens?
No, it's mainly the grudge.
There's a very naughty cat in the grudge who makes scary noises and then turns out just to be a cat.
And the other one we had was just generally exploring scary things, which is, again, a bit of a cliche, isn't it?
But everyone always does that.
Sorry.
Exploring scary things.
Well, you're in a clearly scary situation and you hear a noise, you go and investigate it.
Come on.
If you stop people doing that, there's not going to be any horror films left.
I know.
That's true.
And someone was also asking, what are the things that are scary?
What's the upside to this?
And that's a good question.
It's a good question.
I've got a couple of suggestions.
Ooh.
Things in bed.
That's not a territory that's been covered a lot by horror films.
It's done very well in the grudge.
She's in the bed.
Suddenly there's an old crone between her legs.
Scrabbling around under the sheets.
You lift up the duvet to maybe to have a bit of a waft.
Yeah.
And then what is there but an old crone under there?
fiddling around where she doesn't belong.
Double whammy, isn't it?
Stinky fart smell and crone.
The other thing that you thought is still genuinely frightening, Adam, was violent, threatening, psychopathic people.
Yeah, well, an atmosphere of impending violence.
Especially in dead man's shoes.
Yeah, there's a great constant- Someone who's actually nice, but also a nutter.
Exactly, you never are quite sure what's gonna happen.
I find knives very frightening.
Yeah.
any sort of street crime or knife-related stuff, I find frightening.
That's a good bit in Psycho 2, isn't there, where he's just bashing around with a knife and someone's getting stabbed in the hands?
Do you remember that?
I don't remember that.
I remember the spade action in Psycho 2.
Oh, dear.
Anyway, we've yet to decide who to award the tickets to the Manic Street Preachers, so if you can think of a better scary thing that's no longer scary, text us, 83XFM, and you could win those tickets.
Yeah, we'll wrap that one up in the next link, I think.
And I still want to hear about the Make Me a Supermodel party, but first, music.
Plus, tune packed.
The magic numbers there with Forever Lost.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Now, we're going to put to bed our Things That Aren't Scary Anymore competition.
Thank you very much to everybody who's texted in.
We've had some fantastic suggestions, including a very good one, I think it's brass door handle movement.
Right.
Just a close-up of a door handle turning.
That's from Wellesley in Maidstone.
He's right, they are always brass as well.
In the Amityville Horror they try and amp it up a bit by putting a crucifix on the door handle.
Don't know a lot of people who are so religious they have crucifixes embossed onto their door handle but of course when it turns spookily the crucifix is inverted.
Which is something that only very, very evil people do, invert crucifixes.
That's right.
That's why you would not have a crucifix on your door handle.
No, cos every time anyone came in you'd be, er... You'd be naughty.
Tipping your head to Satan.
That's the kind of thing that Marilyn Manson probably does.
That hasn't been thought through properly by Andrew Douglas, the director of, er, the Amityville Horror, who is in fact a British man.
Yeah.
Er, and who one of our listeners' dad has worked with, according to another text.
We want Douglas on the phone now.
Andrew Douglas, to explain why would a Christian family have crucifixes on their door handles?
Yeah.
You know, they'd have them on there because they like Jesus and all, but what are they going to do about the inversion problem?
Yeah.
That's a good point.
Does that almost deserve the tickets?
Maybe it does.
Because I think it's between Wellesley and Maidstone for the brass door handle inversion and cats jumping out of cupboards from Will.
I'd go for the brass door handle.
That's a more interesting observation.
Yeah, but I added the Amityville thing.
Maybe I'll go with Wellesley.
Go with Wellesley.
I won't.
Wellesley, you can win your tickets.
Wellesley and Maidstone, congratulations.
You've won those tickets to the Manning Street Preachers.
Someone else suggesting that Frank in Blue Velvet is in fact one of the scariest characters in the film ever.
And I think that's true.
I think David Lynch is one of the, he's not really officially a horror director, is he?
No.
He's more of a, but his films are scarier than any horror films.
Yeah, well, definitely Blue Velvet's got that sort of impending violence from a nutty person.
What's the one where the man, uh, turned- that really scary man turns up at the party with the phone and he gets the guy to speak to himself?
Lost Highway.
That's Lost Highway.
That's terrifying.
That is frightening.
And the first time I saw Dune as well, the big fat floaty guy who rips out people's- That's scary, isn't it?
That's scary!
Come on, he goes over to a guy, he's got a plug in his heart and he tears it out and then sucks all the blood out.
That is frightening.
OK, that's a bit frightening.
Well done, there we go.
Well done, Wellsy.
Nice one, Wellsy.
Wellsy!
Uh, so congratulations on that.
Now, what was I gonna say?
Oh yeah, very shortly, we're gonna be finding out about Joe's time.
I'm really excited about this.
You're gonna be so disappointed.
You're playing it down, but I can't possibly be disappointed.
I just wanna hear all about it.
And if you, like me, want to hear all about it, stick with us.
Adam and Joe on XFM.
XFM.
Oh, it's just gone very cold in the studio.
Maybe evil is here.
Well, that was Bernard Butler recombined with Brett Anderson, so maybe... Is that evil?
They may have formed evil.
Oh, suddenly there's a very spooky touch.
I don't think so.
It felt like magic to me, Joe.
Really?
Musical magic from the refugees.
No, the tears, I'm sorry, and a song called Refugees.
It's very cold outside, though.
It seemed to be as if the summer was on.
I know you get very upset and frustrated when I talk about the weather, but...
It's so upsetting to me that it's now cold again, and it's practically midsummer Anyway, come on.
Tell us what the party for make me a supermodel was like just to remind this is this was the channel 5 show that both myself and Joe are addicted to about the Attractive young ladies in a house behaving ludicrously and getting thrown out one by one by Rachel Hunter and a couple of other Nobody's Peru and Tandy.
They are not nobody.
Did you meet Peru and Tandy?
Oh
I did not meet them, no.
But I was sitting very near to them.
Anyway, it turned out this show on Channel 5, which is now finished, was produced by someone that used to produce our program, the Adam and Joe show.
So we kind of canvassed on air for a ticket to go along to the final live kind of competition.
And Joe went along.
I went along, yeah.
Where was it?
Er, it was at a brewery near the Barbican, very, very chic venue, and I was sat- sorry, I don't know what happened there, weird bit of mucus- I was sat in the front row, basically, right next to the catwalk, where, at a proper fashion show, you know, big stars would sit, like- Steve Laughs Steve Laughs Steve Laughs Steve Laughs Steve Laughs Steve Laughs Steve Laughs Steve Laughs
entirely sure who she is.
Is she from Steps?
Steve Laughs Slightly
To my left was Lisa Scott Lee.
Doesn't wake you up, nothing will.
To my right was a very orange man, I don't know who he was, but he looked like Harry Hill, if Harry Hill didn't dress as a joke, you know?
That's really it.
And the girls came out and they walked up and down, almost naked, right in front of me.
And it was brilliant, but I was with my girlfriend who wasn't very comfortable about
whole occasion she could be a supermodel herself she could indeed but i think she was questioning my motives was she i think she thought why does joe want to come to this thing where where 18 year old girls parade up and down totally naked with snakes and what would be your explanation for that because i fancy them but you're already going out with a very attractive girl i know but you can't get enough attractive girls isn't that a fact that's true
And plus I was very emotionally involved.
And you know, I spent a lot of time watching the families of the models, because they were all sat the other side of the catwalk from me.
All their relatives.
And every time a VT package came on, every time they played some video in, everybody in that group of audience, everybody in the family would turn around and watch it apart from Alice's dad, the girl who won her dad.
He looked a bit like
cross between Timothy Biggins and Timmy Mallet.
Who's Timothy Biggins?
Christopher Biggins.
Christopher Biggins, I'm sorry, and Timmy Mallet.
And he just sat there looking quite depressed through the whole thing.
And then when his daughter won- He got really depressed.
Really depressed.
And was applauding in a slightly lacklustre way.
His hands were going, well done.
And his face was going, this is the
beginning of the end for my daughter.
Oh dear, I really felt for him.
So I spent half of the time looking at his daughter naked, and the other half of the time looking at him, empathising with how he felt about people like me looking at his daughter naked.
So it was an extraordinary journey into the quandary that is very young models.
Anyway, so, uh-
you go.
But the best thing was, the next day, I got home and, uh- Ricky and Steve talk over each other
I love that song as well I am the sexiest man you definitely are in the world we've got ditches in the dot coming up very shortly here's a free play right now this is the fall
OK, it's time for Dizzies in the Dock here on the Adam and Jo programme on XFM.
This is the part of the show where Jo and myself battle it out, who gets to play the final song of our two-hour stint here on a Saturday afternoon.
So, Jo, do you want to go first or shall I?
Well, I haven't really decided.
I chose the subject this week to be space, songs about space.
Why did I choose that?
Maybe because it was a kind of a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy sort of week for me.
I saw that midweek, enjoyed it very much.
Uh, and so I thought maybe a space theme would be good, but I can't decide what to choose.
Well, there's a lot of classic space songs.
Well, I've got Elton John with Rocketman, but somehow I don't think XFM listeners are gonna vote for that, are they?
Listen, you shouldn't play to the crowd.
Just vote for what you love, man.
The disco theme from Star Wars by Mecco Meeco.
No-one's gonna vote for that, are they?
It's funny though, that's funny.
Carpenters with calling, occupants of interplanetary craft.
Can I just say- No-one will vote for that, will they?
You should have done this before you came into the studio.
Well I'm trying to get some help.
There's no- Bowie with Starman.
It's supposed to be- That's overplayed.
A vicious competition.
I don't know, I don't know.
OK then, Elton John with Rocketman.
Er, my choice is Elton John with Rocketman, because I like it a lot.
I really do, and I love singing along to it, and if you've got, er, you know, if you enjoy singing along to things, you'll enjoy singing along to it too.
Er, Elton John is a big man with big man boobs.
I saw him playing tennis the other day.
He's an absurd, great roly-poly.
monster isn't it but I don't know what to say it's a great song and it's about space so vote for it wow work is it well you undersold it because it is a classic classic song so what else do I need to say I wouldn't mind being beaten by it but or by him in fact
But I've gone for something at the other end of the space spectrum.
It's The Only Ones with Another Girl, Another Planet, which is a classic kind of punk tune.
And if you don't know it, this is an opportunity for you to introduce yourself to a wonderful world.
Is it very well known?
I would say it's pretty well known within the world of... It's on the best punk album in the world ever that I see you're holding in your hand.
Well, exactly.
It's also a track from a classic album called SF Forrow.
Oh, I'm shafted.
No, it's not super well known.
Elton John is gonna shaft me.
Listen, either one of these songs is an absolute peach, so it's up to you listeners which one you go for.
either the only ones with Another Girl Another Planet or Elton John with Rocketman.
And just to motivate you, three callers will win a copy of Apollo 13, the space film.
You know, there you go, space film.
Space film.
Space, all about space.
We did a hilarious toy version of that once, didn't we?
We did, yeah, yeah.
Or Apollo 13, but we didn't quite spell it right.
No, we spelled it weirdly with like maybe one...
L or two Ls?
A-P-A double L-O of Paul O'Thirteen.
It was weird, but... That's all right, it was fine.
Anyway.
It's early.
O-H-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9 is the number to call.
Just say Elton or The Only Ones, OK?
Elton or The Only Ones.
And we will find out which is the winner after we have some more music.
Right now, who are we going to have?
Oh, LCD Sound System with Daft Punk is playing at my house.
Check it out.
That is a razor light with somewhere else and before that you heard LCD sound system that Daft Punk is playing at my house.
Yes, it's Diddy's in the Dock, the part of the show where Adam and I fight it out to be the one who plays the last record.
This week it is a space theme.
Who are we playing against, Adam?
What are the records?
Well, Joe, you've gone for Elton John with Rocketman.
My choice was The Only Ones with a punk classic entitled Another Girl, Another Planet.
We have callers on the line.
I've lost their names, the callers on the line.
I think it's Hayley.
Hayley, are you there?
Hi, I'm here.
Hi.
How you doing, Hayley?
I'm fine, thank you.
What are you up to today?
You sound a little bit angry.
Why are you angry?
Angry?
No, no, no.
We're filming today.
I'm a student filmmaker, so they're filming downstairs in my house.
Really?
Why do you let them do that?
I don't know.
I'm not quite sure.
That's famously a thing never to do if you're even vaguely proud of your house is let a film crew in.
Students as well.
Don't tell the landlord.
What sort of a film are they making?
Have you read the script?
And what film school are the students from?
Really?
They're telling you to keep it down because they're going for an important shot.
They're going for the Munty.
OK, what's the film jargon?
Who are you voting for, Hayley?
Is it going to be the punk or the bons?
Only ones, please.
The only ones.
It's one for the only ones.
OK, can you keep it down, please, Hayley?
And Hayley, you win a copy of Apollo 13 as well.
Congratulations.
We're going for an MCU and we're using the jilly legs, so can you keep it down?
Thanks very much for your call, Hayley, and hope you enjoy Apollo 13 by Ron Howard, the guy from Happy Days.
Now we've got Neil on the line.
How you doing, Neil?
Yeah, very good.
Thanks for asking.
Erm, bye.
No, I'm joking.
Sorry Neil, just talking rubbish.
What are you going to vote for this afternoon?
The Only Ones or Elton John?
The Only Ones.
No!
Come on, I mean it's a classic tune.
Do you not even like Rocketman?
I can't stand it.
What's your problem with Rocketman?
I mean that was Joe's choice but it is a good song.
The only one eclipses it by miles.
Yeah.
OK, will you win a copy of Apollo 13 there, Neil?
Thanks for calling, thanks for listening.
Joe, man, you need some votes otherwise you're out of the picture.
So if I don't get a vote, this is it, it's over for me.
It's funny, isn't it?
Because we've only got three copies of Apollo 13.
Maybe this next one.
Oh, I don't know.
OK, Karlie, hello?
Karlie?
Oh, oh.
What's happened?
Are you there, Karlie?
Hello Carly.
I can hear her.
I'm here.
How you doing Carly?
I'm good, thank you.
What are you up to?
I'm doing drama courses at the moment.
Really?
Yeah.
A lot of talented people listening to this show.
Are you teaching the course or taking it?
I'm taking it.
We're doing the performance on Tuesday so I want to wish everyone loads of luck.
You're the drama queen.
What's your performance of?
It's called The Good Woman of Szechuan.
The Good One of Szechuan?
The Good Woman, yeah.
the good is it about a chinese restaurant no although that would have been fun okay so uh carly what are you voting for then the only one oh well fair enough fair enough i didn't even realize the only ones was such a popular choice i thought maybe i'd get i mean they are fantastic do you know what have you got that album sf sorrow
I'm afraid not.
It's a classic album, so I'm told I don't even have it.
And I've read about it all my life, and always loved Another Girl, Another Planet.
I'm going out to buy it this afternoon, so I'm very excited.
Do you know what lesson I've learned from this today, Karlie?
Uh-huh?
It's just to choose rock, because it's a rock station, isn't it?
So people who listen tend to like rock.
That's it.
That's where I've been going wrong.
Karlie, thanks very much indeed for your call.
And, well, that's a walkover for the only ones.
But listen, um, that's a shame, I think, because- No, no, no, you know people can just listen to Heart FM if they want to hear Rocket Man, basically.
That's the lesson I've learned as well.
Rocket Man transcends absolutely everything in music, boundary-wise.
It's one of the most amazing songs ever written.
Anyway, that's just my opinion.
This, however, is also very good, and I guess it is a bit more to do with what XFM's really all about.
Anyway, hope you enjoy it.
This is Adam and Joe saying farewell, have a good week.
Yeah, we'll see you next week.
Thanks for listening.
Bye, love you!
Can't face your threats and stand up straight and tall and shout about it I think I'm on another world with you With you I'm on another planet with you With you You get under my skin I don't find it irritating You always play to win
Another planet Another girl
Space travels in my blood There ain't nothing I can do about it Long journeys wear me out but I know I can't live without it I know I think I'm on another world with you With you I'm on another planet with you With you Another girl whose love
Is holding you down
Very good.
That's the only ones with another girl, another planet.
And just came back, we've got a little bit of housekeeping to do.
First, I should apologise for being ignorant enough to get the pretty things and the only ones confused.
It was, of course, the Pretty Things, whose album, SF Sorrow, is a classic, and that's the one I'm going to go by this afternoon.
How very ignorant.
Sorry.
And don't forget to listen to Sean Keaveney on Monday from 10am, as he'll be giving away copies of the Virgin Megastore's album of the week, which is Do Me Bad Thingses.
Yes!
And for more chances to win, you can go to www.xfm.co.uk.
This is Adam and Joe.
We'll see you next week.
Bye!