Hi, my name's Adam.
Hello, my name's Joe.
And we're going to be with you for the next couple of hours here on XFN this kind of bleak Saturday afternoon.
But we're going to brighten it up for you, right Joe?
It's a very good afternoon for staying inside and curling up and listening to us.
Yeah, curling up, curling hair, curling, just curling, you know.
The sport.
Any kind of curling is good as far as we're concerned.
I've just seen that some of the prizes we're giving away on today's exciting show, we've got the return of Crap Commentary Corner incidentally, that's our competition this week.
That's exciting.
That is exciting.
And some of the prizes we're giving away are Joe Cornish.
You're not giving away Joe Cornish.
Oh no.
That's too good a prize.
We're giving away copies of National Treasure starring Nicolas Cage, a film I haven't seen.
I can't believe I bought that.
Did you?
Alright, I bought it yesterday and I'm so thick that I bought it on import because I didn't realize it was- Wow.
Coming out in Britain.
I paid about £500 for it and I got, er, it's quite good.
I started watching it last night, didn't
Steve Laughs
for reasons too exciting to reveal now.
There we go.
So we got those to give away, we're not sure which competition to give away, and plus we got a copy of, for some bizarre reason, Todd Browning's Freaks, which may just be some sort of subtle message from our production staff.
Maybe we should do that one for Crap Commentary Corner, cos that's a good sort of film prize.
I love a film with freaks in it.
I do too.
Have you seen Michael Winner's The Sentinel?
Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
Well, we've got terrific music coming up, Adam, haven't we?
Oh, yeah.
We've got music from Gorillaz, Kings of Leon, Radiohead, Razorlight, Bravery, Baby Shambles, Idlewild.
That's just the first hour.
Wow.
And we're gonna have some, as well as those competitions, some amazing topics of conversation to do with the week's pop, culture, and that sort of thing.
So stay tuned, basically.
Don't touch the Rolos!
That's a very- I'm glad someone's made a song about that, cos people are always nicking my Rolos.
I hate it.
Who was that?
That was the Kings of Leon.
Well done, Kings of Leon.
I really like the Kings of Leon.
And before that, you heard Gorillaz.
I really like Gorillaz.
With Feel Good Incorporated, the Kings of Leon track was taken from their album, A Harshake Heartbreak, and it was called King of the Rodeo.
That's all the info.
Well done, well done.
And I've got a- Saturday's a very popular shopping day.
Many people listening will be- have just come back from the shops, or be going to the shops, or maybe be on their way to the shops.
That's a good factoid.
Don't worry, it's going somewhere.
Is it?
Yeah.
I was happy with that.
So what's new in the shops?
The main thing new in the shops is chip and pin.
Do you know what I mean?
And that whole moment at the checkout is quite a socially awkward thing.
Before Chip and Pin, there was plenty to do.
There was swipe the card, rip the piece of paper off, pass the pen, find the pen, sign it with the pen, put the thing in the bag.
There was plenty to be going on with to occupy you and the stranger that you're doing the transaction with.
With Chip and Pin.
It's just two minutes of silence.
Awkward silence and they stare around and chat to their workmates.
Yeah, you just stick it in the thing and then you wait.
They say, do you know your pin?
All that, well, they don't even usually do that.
All they, now that you've, everyone's learned how to do it, they don't even have to explain it anymore.
Now all they have to do is stick the thing in the bag and then you just sit there staring at each other.
It takes things quick, though, isn't it?
Not quick enough, because of the time spent staring at the person.
Well, you could chat.
You could say, what's it like working here?
Well, you don't always want to do that.
Do not empathise.
Maybe someone out there empathises with it.
It's made shopping slightly more awkward, incrementally more awkward.
Well, it'd be nice to speak to a sales assistant whose job has been made hell by the awkward moments.
of Chippin' Pin.
Can I just ask, just to clear up the chip and pin thing, is the pin always the same as your hole-in-the-wall pin?
Yes.
Yeah, so obviously you know your pin.
What's the big deal with not knowing your pin?
Well, sometimes if you use your Visa card that you've always signed for, you know, I only know the pin of my Switch card.
Right.
Not my Visa card.
I can't believe she's still got a Switch card.
Of course, well, it's not called Switch anymore, is it?
It's called Maestro or Mondeo or Potato or something, I don't know.
They- I think Chip and Pin would be a good name for a double act though, don't you reckon?
Chip and Pin would be a brilliant name for a double act.
You know, I'm gonna see that, I bet, at the Edinburgh Festival this year.
Yeah.
When I'm there.
Right.
That's something to look forward to.
Chip and Pin.
Ah.
Now, should we talk about the BAFTAs a bit later, or are you not bothered?
No, we'll talk about the BAFTAs.
We should go for a record though, maybe, because people who like music and hate us might be getting annoyed.
I don't- I don't want to cater to those people.
This is- this is our two hours.
But, um, no, you know, we'll compromise and, uh, play some Radiohead.
How about that?
Oh, this has got a- I'm gonna talk over this, cause this is a slow fade in.
Are you gonna say anything worth saying?
Um, no.
I wouldn't bother.
That is.
What about that?
That's very good.
Thank you.
It's the mighty heed with Blackstar.
That was taken, of course, from an album called The Bends, which is really good.
You should check it out.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
The extraordinary vocal stylings of Razorlight were somewhere else before that.
You heard Green Day with Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
It's Adam and Joe here on XFM and it's competition time.
Yeah, we just start talking over this bit.
Good man.
OK, so there we go.
Crap commentary competition.
If you win this- ooh, that was abrupt, wasn't it?
It was a little short bed.
Yeah.
If you win this, you could just take your pick of our prizes.
National Treasure, Todd Browning's Freaks.
We've been sent the new Spoon album.
That's exciting, isn't it?
We usually just get sent rubbish albums, but we've been sent a good one, so I might give my copy away.
Oh, he could do that.
Maybe we should play a track off it later on.
Maybe we should.
So there we go.
So here it comes.
This is, of course, recorded off a popular DVD commentary.
I'm not going to give you any clues.
This is either going to be really difficult or very hard.
I'm not quite sure.
So what film are these people commentating on?
And who are they?
There's a director and a couple of stars.
Can you name them?
The number, of course, is 0871 222 1049.
There's two clips.
Let's listen to the first one.
You're just in time.
We're just starting here.
Oh, good!
That's F. Murray Abraham.
Yeah.
Good old F, huh?
Yeah.
We were very tight.
I called him F. I met his entire family.
G, K, D, L. You see, many people don't realize it, but that entire scene was shot inside my head.
It was very painful getting all the camera and sound equipment in there, but it was well worth the effort.
Well... Is that really easy?
I would say it's quite easy.
That's a pretty recognisable voice, that one.
08712221049, here's the second clip.
OK.
Are you ready for this?
Let me line it up for you.
It's got to be... Well, I won't say anything.
Don't say anything.
I don't know who it is, I'm just guessing, but I won't guess.
Well, you've got to get it right.
You've got to get... You've got to name... Well, ideally, you'd name the director and which two stars are speaking.
I think I could do it.
Yeah?
OK, let's have a second one.
All right.
You see, watch this scene.
This is one for the Academy voters.
I'm thinking these scenes right here.
I'm thinking these particular scenes, the rat poacher scenes.
These are the scenes that are gonna get me that Oscar nomination.
Academy loves this stuff, you know?
Hey, you guys have a problem if I just slip out and check the plumbing, if you know what I mean?
Oh, no, go ahead.
Well, hmm, I think I could get that one.
Well, maybe we should be tough then and go for not only the film but the correct three names.
And also all the films that they've ever been connected with.
Yeah.
A list of them.
No, only joking.
All you have to do is name who that was, speaking.
They were speaking in character, though, weren't they?
Hey, hey, hey!
I'm just assuming.
Well, you know.
871-222-1049 if you know who that was.
What a fantastic competition.
Brilliant stuff.
Ricky laughs Steve I'm glad you- I'm glad you got back to it, man, because it is a good competition, you know?
Steve Yeah, yeah.
Hey, listen, the, er, the texts are going crazy with chip and pin comments.
Ricky Really?
Steve Yeah.
So we'll get back to that in a second.
Are we gonna have a record?
Ricky Yeah, I thought I'd play a track from the Spoon album.
Steve Good idea.
Ricky This is, er, I Summon You.
A spoon with I Summon You from their new album Gimme Fiction.
This is Adam and Joe on XFL.
Is nobody getting this right, then?
Apparently, people are having a tough time with that one.
I thought that was easy.
Shall we give them a clip?
Well, let's play another clip.
OK, well, shall we play the first one again, or have you got a different clip altogether?
No, I've only got two.
Oh, you got two?
OK, we'll play the first one again.
Here's another chance.
So can I just say, if you know this, 08712221049, you could well just swan straight through and win.
There could well be swanning.
Listen.
You're just in time.
We're just starting here.
Oh, good!
Yeah.
That's a Murray Abraham.
Yeah, good old F. Yeah, we were very tight.
I called him F. I met his entire family.
GKDL.
See, many people don't realize it, but that entire scene was shot inside my head.
It was very painful getting all the camera and sound equipment in there, but it was well worth the effort.
speaking of painful but well worth the effort that must have been a tough commentary to sit through yes indeed if those were the best bits yeah those were the best bits uh it's it's sort of corny humor that could give you a clue and it's non-human uh people on that commentary that's another clue 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 get calling xfm
It's Adam and Joe here on Saturday afternoon on XFM and it's the exciting part of the crap commentary corner competition in that we're going to establish now.
That is the exciting part.
Who has won?
When someone wins.
Yeah.
So much more exciting than the competition and clip.
Um, so we've got two callers on the line.
The first is Dan.
Hello, Dan.
Now then.
Uh, now, did you say now then?
Eh?
No, sorry, I'm hallucinating orally.
How are you doing, Dan?
I'm alright, thank you.
A new self there.
Well, I'm doing absolutely brilliantly.
And we're very interested to know what you think it is, Dan.
What do you think that clip was from?
It was from Garden State.
Right.
Garden State.
The film, yeah.
And do you know who was talking there?
That was the guy, Andrew Largeman, and he was played by Zach Braff.
Zak Braff.
Zak Braff from Scrubs.
And he kind of talks like this, does he?
Zak Braff?
Does he kind of talk like this?
Like a kind of this?
Like a kind of puppet?
Is Garden State a puppet film?
Is it?
Not that I'm aware.
No.
No, Dan, you've been bad.
You've been hurt yourself now, Dan.
That's a good wrong answer.
We love a good wrong answer.
Thank you very much.
Do you want a copy of National Treasure?
Oh, er, no, actually.
No.
Well done, sir.
Thank you, Dan.
Well done, Dan.
Very good to speak to you.
You're a very clever man in new and original ways.
Can I just ask you finally, Dan, before we leave you, did you enjoy Garden Stake?
It rocked.
OK.
You're insane.
Thanks so much for calling in, though, Dan.
That was really enlightening.
And we've got Gary on the line.
Let's see if Gary's done any better with this one.
Hey, Gary, how you doing?
How you doing?
I'm fine, thanks.
good good.
Now who do you think was speaking in the clip we played earlier?
Yes.
Yeah.
You are correct, Gary.
Have you seen Muppets From Space?
I've got it on DVD.
Yeah, but have you seen Muppets From Space?
We've all got DVDs.
Have you watched it, though?
Yeah.
I should say my wife's got it, really, hasn't she?
Right.
That's the old one, you know.
It's not mine.
What's her excuse?
Erm, she's sad.
Yeah.
She must be.
She married me.
You know what, I was excited about Muppets From Space.
I remember thinking, this is gonna be the one.
And it started off quite well, but then just didn't really go anywhere.
It's for kids.
I mean, Muppets Christmas Carol's a good film.
Muppets Christmas Carol is the classic Muppet movie, don't you reckon?
I wouldn't say it was a good film.
Come on, Joe Cornish.
But it's certainly more entertaining than Muppets From Space.
It's the only decent film Michael Caine's ever done.
Yes.
Good point, Gary.
I agree with that.
Well, congratulations, Gary.
What would you like, Freaks or National Treasure?
there we go congratulations thanks for calling thanks for listening gary that's a crap commentary competition for this week good job thank you very much for your calls dan and gary hey and you know i should tell you that the director get this what are you ready for this oh yeah who was the director tim hill timmy hill yeah tim big the big tim hill the timster i thought it was um um you know frank os's son
Er, he's involved but he's only doing the voices.
I'm sure directing puppets.
He's had enough of it, I can imagine.
Yeah.
Fair enough.
Er, there you go.
Well, this is Adam and Joe and this is The Bravery.
or on your television, you can sit there in front of a blank screen and watch it.
I can't remember what channel it's on.
Do you remember, Lila?
On digital TV.
What channel XFM is.
oh come on brilliant stuff there we go so um this week we went what i was gonna say that was the bravery with fearless thank you this this week we went to the uh adam and i went to the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy premiere and party didn't we add yeah absolutely yeah and it was it's a fantastic film we highly recommend you see it very visually dense i think i need to see it again because there was so much going on i couldn't take it all in at times
Steve Yeah, there's loads of sort of hidden little, uh, Easter-eggy type things for fans.
Ricky Yeah, it's gonna be a- a monstrously good DVD.
Steve Yeah.
Ricky Um, but at the part- and they had a fantastic party afterwards, they had- is it called the Space Hog- the Hog Pod?
They had a big spaceship outside the venue.
Steve Oh yeah.
Ricky The venue was the Freemasons Hall, which is this amazing Freemasonry church in London that's usually closed to the public.
and they had this huge party and they had bits of the set from Hitchhiker's there, they had Vogons around the place, all the waiters were dressed as Arthur Dent and aliens and stuff like that, and all the cast were there, apart from Mos Def, he didn't make it, but Sam Rockwell was there, Sue Lee, Dash, Dash Nell, Martin Freeman, I had a lovely talk to Martin Freeman's mum, oh yeah, I don't want to go into too much detail because he's a sensibly, he's a private person, but she was a lovely woman, and is a lovely woman, what a lovely woman, and she said whenever her and her husband feel a bit down,
they just watch a whole lot of The Office.
And I think she called it- that's- Marty Time.
We have Marty Time.
And we just watch loads- she just gets a box set of The Office and watches it and just thinks, that's my son.
He's brilliant.
Steve Wow.
That's amazing.
That would be brilliant if you were a parent.
Can you imagine?
Unfortunately that's a joy denied to our parents.
Ricky I don't know.
Steve Because what are they gonna do?
Struggle through the Adam and Joe DVD?
Ricky Yes.
My mother's.
Steve Yes, I suppose.
Bucky time.
Ricky Bucky and Bobo time.
Steve Corny time.
Er, so, but listen anyway, Adam, we, I was talking about Adam, er, what?
I was talking to Adam about the Hitchhiker's, er, premiere and he was complaining that he didn't get any photographer action on the carpet.
Well, I wasn't complaining, I mean, it's a foregone conclusion, but, you know, I haven't been to a premiere in a long time and I've also got quite a big beard at the moment because I'm going to Edinburgh and doing this character.
So there's a point to this.
And I didn't get a photograph.
Yeah, well-
on the blue carpet when you arrived at the Hitchhiker's premiere this week.
Despite the fact that it was more important for me to get a shot of Rebecca Luce with her recently purchased silicon implants, I tried to get you to stop and be photographed by myself and my press photographer colleagues.
Rory McGrath was quite happy to stop and his beard is not as good as yours.
He sent a picture of McGrath.
There you go.
So why are you so shy?
Wow.
I'm sure you'll mention the premiere on today's show.
I'm waiting to hear your views on the film.
Whatever you do though, do not refer to the invited press photographers at the event as paparazzi.
The paps are the underclass of photography who hang around outside western nightclubs and who follow celebrities to the shops every day.
Keep up the good work on Saturdays.
Blah, blah, blah.
That's nice, isn't it?
Thanks, Geoff.
That was extremely coherent communique.
some people shouted Joe, but I- I- there were only about two of them.
And so I thought, well that's not enough volume or demand.
Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
Yeah, we haven't been on the telly for so long, it's like shouting for huffty on the word or something.
But Geoff in future, why don't you just shout your name?
Shout Geoff Spicer!
And then we'll react!
Yeah, exactly.
There we go.
But, yeah, you have to make it much clearer than that.
Adam Buxton, please come over here to have your photograph taken.
That's the thing I need to get.
Just make an appointment.
Yeah.
Just call us.
We get our home numbers quite easily.
We've got quite a lot of free time.
Here is Pavement.
Go back to those cold sounds And keep my head bent to yourself Because it's nothing I don't like Is it a crisis or a boring change When it's central, so essential It has a nice ring when you laugh Backwoods come up, all these guys are awake
Oh, that's fantastic.
That's, er, Gold Sounds from Pavement's album.
Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Stick with us, we'll be back very shortly.
XFM.
Ooh.
Something to think about, isn't it?
Stop it.
You're blowing my mind.
That's Kasabian with Cut-Off, and before that you heard Banquet by the Block Party.
Hey, can I read a quick email, Adam?
Wish you would.
Hi, Adam and Joe.
Just listening to the show and you mentioned your DVD.
Is there one of the TV show?
Because I've tried to find it and couldn't.
used to love the show, still vividly remember being in hysterics over that Swizzle Stix game show spoof.
Nice to have you on the radio, keep it up.
Quizzle Stix it was.
Steve Laughs
amazing compilation featuring many many jaw-dropping extras and it should be available in your local large retail record shop, your HMV, your Virgin, your whatever they are.
I've seen a few copies around myself and I always check and I've been pleased to see that they stock it.
Really?
I must pick one up.
on the way home.
Yeah.
Have you ever bought one of our videos, our DVDs?
No, no.
Listen, we can't talk about this for this long.
Can we not?
I don't think so.
I think it's improper.
I was planning on going on for another five minutes about our DVD.
Weren't we gonna chat about the BAFTAs?
Yeah, fair enough.
Uh, we got passed over for a BAFTA again this year.
Erm, and... Last chances, no noms for the last chances.
No nods for the last chances for Bucky, unfortunately.
But I was in good being-ignored company, because there was no nominations as well for The Mighty Boosh, and no nominations for Peep Show.
Mmm, that's a bit of a scandal, isn't it?
That is, I mean, it's a, well, The Boosh is a scandal as well, but Peep Show, double scandal, because Peep Show has a, a potentially massively broad appeal, it's pretty much the best...
most consistent gettable sitcom since The Office, I would say.
And, uh, amazing performances, brilliant kind of script, and- I've been working with, uh, David Mitchell recently.
Yeah, yeah.
He's a very funny, very clever man.
Very nice man.
They're both funny.
The other guy, what's he called, um, uh- Tommy- Webb.
Toddy Pipkins.
Jimmy Webb.
Yeah.
What's he called?
James Webb.
Oh, dear, I'm not sure.
But anyway, the Michelin Web are the guys who star in it.
It's written by, er, other people.
Not them.
Not them, although they do contribute to the writing.
Anyway, why wasn't it nominated?
That's, er, that's just demented.
Cos it's all corrupt.
It's all corrupt!
The BAFTAs... What are you saying?
The one that's corrupt!
Steve Laughs
Basically, Best Comedy Performance, which they could easily have won, both those guys, went to Matt Lucas and Dave Walliams.
I mean, that's uncontroversial.
Everyone loves the little Briton guys.
They were up against Rory Bremner, Julia Davis and Tamsin Craig.
All of those... Well, Julia Davis, that's a pretty good turn.
She could have won that one.
but they could also have been nominated for comedy program, series or, yeah, comedy program or series.
Little Britain won that again.
So now you're just complaining about the category titles?
No I'm not, I'm just saying.
Oh, they could have, right.
These are the things that Peter could have been nominated for.
Yeah, yeah.
Cos they were up, they would have been up against Catherine Tate, Harry Hills TV Burp and the Mark Steele Lectures.
Now no disrespect to any of those people, especially... Bubs should take it.
Burt should have taken that one.
Burt should have taken that.
Burt's fantastic.
The Burp is amazing.
The Burp.
But, you know, Mark Steele lectures.
I mean, it's great and all, but come on.
They could have found room for Peepshow or the Mighty Boosh in there.
That's just my opinion.
Sitcom Award went to Black Books and it was up against Green Wing, Nighty Night and the Vicar of Dibley Christmas Special.
Well, that was good, wasn't it, when she dipped her head in chocolate?
Do you remember that?
I watched that.
The Fifth of Dibley Christmas Special.
Was it good?
No.
I mean, it's probably quite good.
It's Richard Curtis and people like that.
Hey, I saw some good telly.
What did you do?
Did you see Shirley Ghostman on Jonathan Ross?
I heard about it.
Wow.
He went too far.
That was incredible.
Maybe we should talk about that after another record.
I'd like to talk about that.
OK, stick with Adam and Joe right now.
Here is a track from I'm Trying to Find Out.
Turing Breaks.
It's a track from the new Turing Breaks album.
This is called Fishing for a Dream.
Mmm, barmy.
That was very nice indeed.
That was, uh, Cheering Breaks and Fishing for- Fishing for a Dream.
So, uh, this is Adam and Joel on XFM.
Shirley Ghostman on Jonathan Ross.
I know it was on, I think it was the week before last, wasn't it?
Or, you know, Friday, the Friday before last.
I don't know if anybody out there saw it.
If you didn't, Shirley Ghostman is a sort of spoof psychic character created by the very talented Mark Wootton and he appeared on Jonathan Ross's chat show.
The two other guests on the chat show were Nicole Kidman and David Schwimmer.
So it was an unusual fit for an unknown BBC Three comedian who, whether he's good or bad, is unknown by the general public.
He's also... By the massive general public.
Certainly unknown by the studio audience.
And it was an incredible bit of car crash telly.
And, you know, if there's any justice, it'll pop up in top ten cringe-worthy TV moments for eternity.
It was better than the David Blaine on This Morning.
It really was toe-curlingly amazing.
Wow, what happened?
Mark Wootton is brilliant, the show's pretty good, but Jonathan, obviously, the problem about this is, I know, and you know, Adam and Joe, we know everybody involved in this, but
I need to tip my hat to them because it was the worst, most incredible thing I've ever seen.
Poor old Mark Wootton just died and he took Kidman and Schwimmer down with him.
And there's an amazing sort of unstated sort of understanding when American stars go on British shows to pretend that they know everybody.
You know, Will Smith was on Ant and Dec that same night and he was doing Gunging and stuff.
And he was acting as if Ant and Dec were his close friends.
and Alan Shearer was someone he really knew and liked and stuff like this.
Yeah, guys.
Yeah, sure, Alan.
That's not a very good Will Smith impression.
But you know, yeah, guys.
But you know what I mean?
There's this sort of unspoken sort of thing that they're all friends.
And Mark Wootton's appearance on the Jonathan Ross show really gave the light of that because he made some very antisemitic comments
Er, in character.
In character to David Schwimmer.
He made some really feeble, you know, lame funny.
There's a certain sort of humour that's funny because it's so lame.
But often that's mistaken by the general public for just... Lameness.
It was, you know, Wootton's Kidman jokes were very, very lame, and there were long silences.
And Jonathan, if you saw it, you would have seen that Jonathan tried to help him at the beginning, cos Jonathan's obviously a fan, and he tried to act as a straight man to Wootton's stick, but then he realised that the audience were not only not getting it, but actually becoming angered and shocked, especially when their cancer jokes started.
They started to be actually shocked and insulted.
And then Jonathan sort of just sat back in his seat and watched Shirley Ghostman die.
Let it unfold.
And basically he did die a very cruel and slow death.
Can you remember any examples of the exchanges at all?
Well a lot of it's unrepeatable.
And it was coming off a sort of back, because Jonathan, it wasn't that good a night for Jonathan, and he's a man who knows that if there's a boring Hollywood star, he needs to make it interesting by being provocative.
So he was being very provocative already with Nicole Kidman.
He called Nicole Kidman's mother a biatch.
She didn't say it that politely.
Twice.
And she was looking very uncomfortable.
And then Wootton came on and did a very protracted psychic thing on Nicole Kidman that just ended up with him telling her she was Australian.
Well, it didn't seem very funny and it took a very long time.
And he said he channeled Hitler and he made some unfortunate references to David Schwimmer after he said that.
A lot of it is actually unrepeatable.
Well, they got apparently something like 150 complaints. 350.
He- his jokes are stuff like, oh, Kurt Cobain came through to me shooting his bloody mouth off.
It's one, uh, Shirley Ghostman joke.
Quite good, but, you know, if you don't listen carefully, you miss it.
We should say at this point that Shirley Ghostman, if you haven't caught it already on BBC Three, is really well worth catching.
Yeah.
It's very funny.
It's a good- these were all good people just having a bad day.
And apparently, I think they shared something like a million viewers.
Really?
Yeah.
Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Well, congratulations to all concerned.
We salute you.
Here's the Smiths.
Kind of a retro sound there.
That's the Caesars with Jerk It Out.
Coming up in a sec, we're going to be playing the new Coldplay single.
I haven't heard that yet.
Does that excite you, Adam Buxton?
Yes, it does.
They're the biggest band in the world and I want to hear what they've come up with.
Are you being sincere?
Well, I just heard Christian O'Connell doing a trail for Bounty Hunter, where he referred to them as the biggest band in the world.
I thought the biggest band in the world title was held by U2 at the moment.
There's always about four or five bands who argue about being the biggest band in the world, or R-E-M.
Er, who's the other biggest band in the world?
They don't argue amongst themselves, do they?
They do, they have- Really?
Yeah, fights.
How terribly vain.
Chris Martin always loses, cos he's a weed.
Listen, if you listen to Sean Keaveney on Monday from 10am, he'll be giving away copies of the Virgin Megastore album of the week, which is The Caesar's Paper Tigers.
Hey!
We just- Yeah.
We just put- Which we just played.
And for more chances to win that album, go to www.xfm.co.uk.
Virgin Maker Store's album of the week.
Steve Good one.
Ricky Yeah, good one.
So listen, we were just talking about car crash telly, we were talking about Shirley Ghostman on Jonathan Ross, and I'm looking at next week's telly, trying to see if I can spot anything- Steve Spot the crash!
Ricky That might have equal impact.
Steve Yeah.
Ricky And I think I've found it.
Steve Wow.
Ricky It's a program presented by Peaches Geldof.
Bob Geldof's daughter and she's been in a lot of the papers this week because she's 16, she's going out with a 68 year old or something, a 23 year old I think, but she's sort of putting herself forward as the voice of teenage youth and we were just talking about this while the records were playing, but if you're a sort of precocious teenager it's amazingly easy to convince adults that what you say counts for all teenagers.
How many times do you open up a paper and see a sort of, you know, a sort of, let's take the temperature of Britain's teenagers
And they think they can do that just by randomly gathering any five teenagers and writing down what they've got to say.
And it's usually the sons or daughters of the journalists who work on the paper.
Yeah.
What's the point with that?
And it seems to me that this Peaches Geldof programme is going to be very symptomatic of that trend.
She's going to tell us all about what teenagers think about, how much sex they have, whether they take drugs, what they think of politics and music, and I think Peaches' opinions will count for everybody.
in the country between the ages of 13 and 19.
Well she might be extra precocious because usually if you listen to the opinions of most teenagers all you get are the opinions of their parents generally in a kind of twisted insane form.
Or maybe they're all sorts of different opinions in teenagers maybe you know maybe they're all quite different.
I don't believe that.
They're all the same.
They're all having sex at 13, taking drugs, disillusioned with baby tings.
They're all like Pete Doherty, your dogatee, and they all think it's a good idea to misbehave.
They're all like Peaches Geldof.
She's a columnist for Elle Girl.
Is she?
Her latest assignment is to investigate the modern teenage state.
She travels to Bolton, Wolverhampton and Brighton to meet fellow teens leading very different lives.
Surely that's going to be a hilarious disaster.
what time's that on, and what time-?
Steve- Sky 1, 9pm.
Do you get Sky?
Ricky- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What- what day?
Steve- Uh, Monday.
Ricky- Monday, Sky 1, 9pm.
Steve- Maybe you could- maybe you could, uh, you could record that as.
Ricky- Oh, I'll definitely record that and we'll talk about that.
But you know, I'd be interested- I'm- I'm a fan of, uh, Bobo Geldof.
Geldof- I keep calling him Geldof.
Geldof.
You know?
Steve- Gandalf.
Ricky- Gandalf.
He's good, I think.
I'm- I'm- I've got time for Geldof, so I- I'll be interested to see what Peaches has to say.
Steve- Peaches.
Ricky laughs
You know, you can't- let's not, er, mock Peaches, cos she's a teenager and unsteady.
When you wait, man, Trixie Bell's gonna be talking- oh no, Peaches, Trixie Bell is her second name?
The- Peaches is the eldest one, I don't know.
No, she's called Honeysuckle, Fru Fru, La La.
No, it's Pixie.
Pixie.
I don't know, let's not mock their names, that's too easy.
That's too easy, isn't it?
Coming up in a bit, we've got Dizzies in the Dock.
This week, shall we tell them what the theme is?
Yeah.
It's a Prince playoff.
Prince off.
A Prince off.
A Little Purple Ponce off.
Oh, dirty.
And, erm, can I just blow our own trumpets again a little bit more?
Go on.
I was just so excited, man.
I was watching Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway last weekend.
Yeah.
And, er, they had an item about football on it.
Yeah.
And behind it, as a bed, was playing Adam and Joe's Footy Song.
No!
The Footy Song.
All Ball Ball, Footy Footy Footy.
The highest rated program on television.
Yeah, football.
And here's another thing.
We'll get 60p for that.
Can you confirm to me, I was watching this program about like most excruciating children's TV moments ever or something.
There seem to have been about a hundred of those programs.
Anyway, they managed to find a few, a couple of new ones, new little bits.
I think it was on Channel 5 maybe last weekend or the one before.
And there was one with, who was the band?
It wasn't Matt Bianco.
Or maybe it was, Matt.
No, it wasn't.
It was Peter Andre.
Right.
Someone phoned in Peter Andre, and I'm almost certain it was our friend Zak.
You didn't watch that show?
No.
Ah, does Zak listen to this program?
Possibly.
Well, Zak, if you're listening, can you phone up and confirm?
Cos Zak used to do quite a few- And they used that clip on this clip show.
Yeah, I'm sure.
He should've said- he just phoned in and said, Peter Andre, why are you such a, uh, loser sellout or something?
Man, we're coming back.
Maybe we're coming back.
Maybe it's time for the comeback.
Wow.
Time for Diddy's in the Dock now.
Now, we've got to make this pretty quick, Joe, but basically it's a Prince Off.
Yep, it's a Prince Off, the little purple ponce.
We're gonna pitch two of his tracks against each other.
Shall I just go straight in there with my choice?
Yeah, why not?
My choice is Let's Go Crazy.
It's from the Purple Rain album.
Purple Rain, one of my favourite 80s films.
Fantastic film, full of great music, and this is one of the most brilliant tracks on it.
Er, it's got terrific lyrics.
What an amazing introduction, dearly beloved.
We're gathered here today to get through this thing called life.
It's just a classic song.
And you can't go wrong with it.
And it's brilliant.
And it's Let's Go Crazy by Prince.
And that's it, that's my pitch.
OK, my song is Sexy Mother... What?
Uh...
I think they changed the lyrics, didn't they?
I can't remember, but yeah, I think they just changed it.
Instead of bleeping it, they changed it.
Right.
Well, what I've done is I've got my son Frank, who's like my personal swearing machine, to- Well, this isn't fair now, is it?
Well, you know, it's just a thing.
You've embellished the track?
I've embellished the track because out of necessity, out of legal necessity, I've had to make amends to the swearing police because otherwise we'd get fired.
So it's sexy MF, the Frank version.
Or Let's Go Crazy.
Or Let's Go Crazy, that's what you're voting for.
Call 0871 222 1049.
The person who votes with the deciding vote will win their choice of exciting DVDs.
0871 222 1049 is the number.
Now get ready for the Coldplay!
Oh, can't you just envision the season's best goals being a montage of those with that record over them?
You make me sick.
Why?
Because I'm so insightful.
You're so cynical.
Just, you know, Coldplay wrench their heart out, stick it on a tray for you, and you say, oh, you can just see them on the season's best goals.
Well, I'm going to kill you for what you've said.
OK?
We'll be back with Ditties in the Dark after this.
XFM.
Yes, this is the closing 11 minutes of the Adam and Joe radio show here on XFN.
It's Diddy's in the dock time, and things aren't looking very good for Joe Cornish, because Adam, it's a Prince play-off, I chose Let's Go Crazy, Adam's chosen sexy... and he's replaced the swearing with his child saying cute things.
So it's just a foregone conclusion, isn't it?
Even I want to hear the child saying cute things.
Well, it's not a foregone conclusion because Let's Go Crazy is a kind of colossus of rock.
Yeah, but it doesn't have babies saying sweet things.
Yeah, but people might want to hurt me for making my child say sweet things because it's sort of nauseating.
Okay, well let's see what happens.
Let's go to the phone lines.
Tally, hello, are you there?
It's Sally, sorry.
Well, why'd you write Tally like that?
Tally's not even a human name!
Has anyone ever met anybody called Tally?
I have.
Doctor Who has.
Really?
I think he has.
Okay, hello Sally.
Hello, how you doing?
Very well.
Now, I presume you're voting for the baby.
I'm voting for sexy a mess.
Oh yes.
I would prefer it without the baby, because they just miss... No offense, but they just missed out the words and just left it blank with just the music bed underneath it.
Did they?
And you like a nice forcefully sung swear word.
Oh, absolutely, but I know you can't do it on the radio.
Yeah, no, we're not allowed, because it's evil and corrupts people.
Exactly, it hurts them.
But Sally, thank you very much for your call and for your vote, and yes, of course, if it was up to me, I'd leave it intact with the swearing in, because it's not really, you know, I'd take the music out and just leave the swearing.
Oh, just leave the child.
So thanks very much Sally, Tally, thanks for calling, thanks for listening.
Sorry we can't give you a prize because we're only down to National Treasure and Todd Browning's Freaks, which we're going to have to save for the deciding call.
So that's one nil to Buxton and his son Fergus.
Hello, are you there?
Good afternoon.
How are you, Fergus?
Very well, thank you.
Yeah.
Are you driving a car, Fergus?
I am driving a car, yes.
I'm hands-free, though.
Hands-free?
What, you're not even steering?
No.
Steady.
I hope you're not endangering yourself or anyone else on the road, Fergus.
Not at all.
OK, good.
What are you going to vote for this afternoon?
Let's go crazy.
Fergus, well done.
It's got to be a driving classic.
You should stick it on right now, as soon as you hang up, Fergus.
Yeah, get rid of sexy MF.
Even with Adam's child?
Don't keep going on about the child.
I'm trying to overdo it.
You're turning people against the child.
Exactly.
If I just talk about it too much, by the time we hear it, it'll be old news.
One all.
Thank you very much, Fergus.
Thanks for calling.
Good luck.
Don't crash or die.
Danesh, are you there?
Hi, yeah, how's it going?
Fine, Danesh.
You've called us before, haven't you?
I have, yeah, a few times.
Have you won prizes from us?
Yeah, I won one of your DVDs, actually, which was very good.
Did you?
Yeah, I let go of all the stuff.
Did you?
That was a long time ago, so Dinesh, we haven't- In a galaxy far, far away.
He hasn't won a prize for a while.
No, I haven't.
Okay, Dinesh, what are you voting for?
Is it sexy MF or Let's Go Crazy?
I'm gonna have to vote for sexy MF.
I have, um, good teenage memories of a video.
Yeah, it was a- well, a video was just a clip from the film, I think.
No, uh, sexy MF.
Oh sorry, I was deluded there, I thought you were voting for me.
Oh dear.
It's a good tactic.
Denial.
Do you remember in, can I just say one thing, do you remember in Parkville Range, do you remember Prince's seduction technique?
No.
He gets Apollonia back to his flat and he's got a recording of a woman crying played backwards.
Wow.
And that's how he turns her on.
It's crying backwards.
Sexy, isn't it?
And she says yes.
Benny bangs her from behind.
Oh, you can't say that.
Um, Amanda?
Oh, no, we haven't finished with Dinesh.
Dinesh, thank you very much indeed for your call.
It's 2-1 for Adam.
2-1 to me.
Amanda.
Hi there.
How are you doing?
I'm very well, how are you?
Very good, thank you.
What are you up to?
Um, I'm actually just about to go into Sainsbury's shopping.
How exciting is my life?
Are you going to have a chip and pin moment?
Oh, yeah, possibly, yeah.
You're gonna have to think of something to say while you wait for the chip and pin to go through.
Amanda, do you ever use the self-checkout at Sainsbury's?
Oh, no, they drive me nuts.
Do you not find it takes, like, five times as long?
Which is exactly why I don't use it.
Unrecognised item in the bagging area.
You have removed your bag.
Every time I've used it, I've just had to call the cashier over.
That's another show.
That's for next week.
So, Amanda, what are you gonna vote for?
I'm doing Let's Go Crazy.
Yes!
So this is very tense, isn't it?
It's very tense.
Amanda, thanks very much for your call.
Have a good time in Sainsbury's.
So, we're down to Reg.
Hello, Reg.
Hello, mate.
How you doing, Reg?
You realise the gravity of the situation, you are now going to cast the winning vote?
I can feel the pressure.
There's great pressure and, you know, I don't know, you sound like quite a sort of gruff, manly man who maybe doesn't have time for the fiperies of little children saying silly words.
On the grass, yeah.
Yeah?
Oh dear, it doesn't sound good.
It could be looking good for Cornish.
Reg, tell us what you're going to go for.
It's got to be sexy motherfucker.
Oh yes.
What did he say?
I don't know, we should have shouted over it.
Well that's very disappointing Reg, you're not as manly as I thought you were.
Reg, you have however won some prizes.
Congratulations, you're getting a copy of Todd Browning's Freaks, which is a cinema classic, and National Treasure, which is a film with Nicolas Cage in it.
And are you excited about that?
Fantastic, yeah.
Good one.
Well, thanks so much for calling in, Reg.
Thanks to everyone who called in today.
Oh, well, that's it, man.
You got, uh- That's terrible.
I've lost about four weeks in a row.
I'm sorry about that.
Oh, there's a text.
Good.
Was that the text noise?
I didn't know there was a text noise.
Anyway, that's it.
No, on my phone.
Uh, it's Sexy M.F.
and, uh, it's the winner this week.
Thank you very much for listening.
We'll be with you next week.
And I love you, bye!
Bye!
I want to do it.
No, not your body or mind, you fool.
Come here, baby.
Yeah.
You sexy?
Money doggy!
It's a bit naughty We need to talk about things, tell me what you do Tell me what you eat, I might cook for you See it really don't matter cause it's all about me and you Ain't no one else around I'm even with the blindfold, gagged and bound I don't mind, see this ain't about sex It's all about love, being in charge of this life and the next Why all the cosmic talk?
I just want you smarter than I'll ever be when we take that walk
You sexy?
Shut up!
Come here baby You sexy mother- Nazis!
You sexy?
No, it's a munchkin.
Come here, baby.
You sexy?
Munchkin.
Talk about umbrella in the house.
Dirty trap trap.
Hello!
Show me!
Two!
I bet if you throw that ass in the air it'll turn into sunshine Shucks monkey Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass
Little doggy.
Niggas.
Tuck the tongue.
That's a postcard.
Chocolate biscuit.