Hi, my name's Adam Buxton.
Hi, my name's Joe Cornish.
Why are you doing that voice?
I don't know.
It's just a sort of radio voice.
Oh, okay.
I like it.
Welcome to two hours of Adam and Joe on the radio.
We're here with you until three o'clock.
We'll be playing Dizzies in the Dock.
Will we be having a celebrity regression?
Yeah, we've got a celebrity regression.
Oh, brilliant.
Pretty easy, this one.
We're also going to link up live with Alex, Zane, Lo,
I always panic about his name, because there's so many Alexes.
Well, it's the Zane factor, isn't it?
Yeah.
OK, I just had a little panic.
Alex Zane.
But I was right, wasn't I?
Alex Zane.
Yeah.
Alex Zane, who's at Oulu at the XFM event there, will be going live to him, and I think about half past for a live link-up.
I'm excited about that.
Yeah.
In fact, we could act it out right now, and see if it matches up.
Really?
You pretend to be the presenter, I'll pretend to be Alex.
OK.
Hello, Alex.
Er, oh hi!
Steve Laughs
That's it.
I am gonna ask him whether he's snogged any XFM listeners.
Cos I think he does, Alex.
Have you seen his girlfriend?
Well, hopefully she's not listening, but I don't have any concrete evidence, but I think Zane Lowe probably humps a lot of listeners.
And I envy him.
You're talking about Zane Lowe now?
Yeah.
We're talking about Alex Zane.
This is getting very confusing.
Listen, man, do you wanna hear the new White Stripes single?
Yes.
OK, here it is.
This is Blue Orchid.
That's Hardfy.
Good name.
Yeah, Tied Up Too Tight is the name of the track.
Very good, I think.
That's a good one.
And before that, you heard the new single from the White Stripes, Blue Orchid.
Always inventive with their kind of limited palette.
And that's another smash, I think, from the Detroit powerhouse.
That's what I'm calling them.
Great.
OK.
And, Joe, I'm standing this week.
Have you noticed that?
I'm trying it out.
I don't know how long it's going to last for, but usually I sit in a wheelie chair.
This week I'm standing like some kind of person.
Man standing up.
Man with legs who stands up.
I'm hoping it's going to make my delivery more dynamic!
OK, yeah, well it's working well so far.
Now listen, listeners, of course it's very exciting because Revenge of the Sith is coming out very soon, in a couple of weeks.
Star Wars 3.
And we're going to be talking about it a little bit, but what I'd like to do is I'm going to show Adam a picture.
This is in an American magazine called Entertainment Weekly, and it's a picture that disturbs me greatly, because I'm excited about
Revenge of the Sith, and I think it might be good.
It might be better than the previous films.
I'm trying to find this flipping picture.
But I saw this spread in Entertainment Weekly, and now I'm very worried.
Are you ready, Adam?
Well, I'm pretty worried, because I cycled past a big stupid picture of Yoda on the way.
OK.
We're going to get Adam.
So obviously, you at home, you can't see what I'm going to show Adam.
But just check out this reaction.
Are you excited about the film?
I am, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK.
How about that?
Oh, that's a Wookie spread.
What?
A wookiee gallery?
Don't see what it is.
Just- just react to it.
Look at that.
Well, it's- it's bad.
It looks bad.
It looks like Harry and the Hendersons makeup tests.
This is a- I'll tell you, this is a spread of eight wookies in Entertainment Weekly.
They're just headshots of wookies, cos they've had to develop more wookies.
And basically, er, it looks like the Bee Gees, doesn't it?
It looks like DLT.
It looks like Dave Lee Travis and his family.
It's a bad sign.
The Wookiees were always light relief.
I don't understand why they've- I thought this was going to be darker, this one.
Well, I've compiled a list of things that are worrying me about Revenge of the Sith, and we'll get to that later, but that's the chief one, the Wookiees.
Have you seen the Pringles ad with the lightsaber made of Pringles?
No.
Have you seen Darth Vader's Orange Wednesdays ad?
Steve Laughs Slightly Steve Mumbles
Anyone?
Help me!
Scented bin bags.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
Let's go to the record quickly.
OK.
Just while I remember it, though, you've got to check out the Pringle app, because it's really good.
He flips the top off his Pringles, and a big laser beam shoots out, with Pringles suspended at various points up the beam.
No.
So he can simply reach in.
He doesn't burn himself.
I don't understand why there's certain logic.
Sorry, who's holding the lightsaber?
The Pringle guy.
OK.
Not one of the Star Wars characters.
No, no.
He's a Pringle guy and he can pluck out Pringles from the beam.
They're suspended in the beam.
He doesn't hurt himself.
And just has the pleasure of the Pringles.
And then there's a growl and he notices that his lightsaber beam has had a big bite taken out of it.
And guess who's sat next to him?
chew back at the Wookiee.
What's a tie-in?
I mean, it couldn't get much worse than that, could it?
Oh, but Star Wars invented the whole tie-in thing.
So I think they're totally shameless.
They'll do anything.
Well, text us.
What would be the worst Star Wars tie-in product you could possibly get?
83XFM is the text number.
And you can win a book.
This book, right, Lila?
Simon Reynolds.
Oh, we got five.
OK, you can't win the book.
You win something else.
You win something amazing.
Looks like a good book.
Rip it up and start again by Simon Reynolds.
Post-punk, what are we going to give that away for?
That's for Ditches in the Dock, maybe.
Oh, Ditches in the Dock.
And of course you can always give us a call.
We'd love to hear from you as long as you're not insane, abusive or excessively drunk.
0871-222-1049 is the number right now.
Here's the Breeders.
you
Oh, yes.
Right.
Er, now we've got a text competition.
I'll say who it was.
Oh, go on then, go on then.
It's an athlete.
Oh, that was an athlete.
I think you should learn to sing properly that night.
He can sing.
He's emoting.
He always sings like this.
You're frightened of feelings.
He upward ends his, er, sentences.
That's right.
You know, which is very annoying in conversation.
People who talk like that all the time right now.
Oh, it's slightly different.
It's not an upward inflection.
I don't know.
I think it is.
It's an emotional inflection.
We've got a text competition.
We're asking you what the stupidest possible Star Wars tie-in product would be.
We've been inundated with ideas.
One of the most popular seems to be ladies' lightsaber tampons.
You just have to think about that for a little bit.
We won't go into any detail on that one.
Don't dwell on it in your mind.
But that's come from Natalie in SW14 and Rax, who might be a Star Wars character.
Rax.
Maybe he's flying by in his X-wing.
C-3PO anal suppositories.
Well, that's dirty.
Well, yeah, but it's necessary for some people.
Why?
I've never used them myself.
How is C-3PO germane to the notion of anal suppositories?
Because he's gay.
That's slow, you see.
I know it's low.
I was thinking more- That's from Ben.
Ben.
You see, Ben- Adam's not impressed.
I'm not impressed with that.
I don't think Ben's serious, you know.
He's not- he's just being silly.
I know, but it's cheap.
It's very cheap.
It's not the kind of level that we would normally stick to.
Okay, okay.
Star Wars loo roll, the Empire wipes back.
Quite good.
That was a nameless one.
Uh, the Queen Amidala home pregnancy test.
Why?
What's that?
Because she gets pregnant with Luke and Leia, doesn't she?
Well, that's pathetic.
Well, she's knowledgeable.
It's just a nerdy one.
What about the Queen Amidala?
Shall I tell you who that's from?
Who?
Crazy Kraz.
Crazy?
You're not crazy?
With two Ks.
You're not Crazy Kraz?
Crazy Kraz.
Must be crazy to call him or herself.
You've got to change your name just to Kraz, OK?
Crazy Kraz.
Because what about the Queen Amidala dress?
Because she's a woman.
What about that?
How about this?
Yodafone top-up vouchers.
Very good.
From Matt and Chiselhurst.
And there's plenty more, we're being inundated and we haven't even told you what you can win and you can win tickets to see the Zootons on April the 1st.
What?
April the 1st has passed.
Is this some sort of time travel competition?
April the 1st is, uh, April Fool's Day.
Oh, dear.
The Carling Brixton Academy.
Maybe it's next year.
They're very popular.
There's genuinely a Zoot on stickers.
They're not on April the 1st, are they?
What are you playing at?
So this is a real prize, though?
Yes, it is.
Yeah, OK.
We don't know quite when it is, but you can win tickets to the Zutons.
So keep those coming in, the Stupider Star Wars product tie-in, and we're going to talk a little more about potential things that look a bit dodgy about Revenge of the Sith, even though I'm trying to be very excited and positive about it.
You haven't actually seen it, have you?
No.
How much do you know about it, then?
Quite a lot.
I went into Borders and I flicked through the book.
The book.
I did that as well.
I read the back page.
I read the last page.
Isn't that pathetic?
to find out how it ends.
Have you looked at all the picture books and stuff?
No.
With the photos from the film?
No.
I couldn't help doing that.
Really?
Yeah, there's some quite good Bernie- burnt Hayden Christian stuff.
We can't talk about too much because people get angry when you ruin things.
Well, I don't know anything about it except for the pictures in the book.
Yeah, they don't show that much because we can't talk about that topic anymore.
OK, then.
Wow, we can't talk about much.
We can't talk about politics because of the election.
We can't talk about Star Wars because of the sensitivity of Star Wars fans.
Well, let's just play some music.
Wow.
That's good, man.
I really like that.
That's the future heads with decent days and nights.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Guess what time it is, Joe?
Oh, I think, what, in terms of the clock or in terms of exciting features?
Exciting features.
A competition time?
Competition time.
You could win a DVD or tickets to a show You just never know So sharpen up your brain and get ready to play
what competition is it celebrity regression therapy and boy it's really a very easy one this week it's I mean you'd have to be just stupid not to get it and what's up as a prize
for celebrity regression this week.
I think we're giving away copies of Miami Vice, the 80s TV series.
It's a box set.
It's got eight discs, over 18 hours of Miami Vice, TV's hottest and hippest cop show.
Yeah, I'm just reading off the box.
As it was 20 years ago.
I never really watched that when it went out.
Did you used to watch it?
Miami Vice is one of those shows that all the cool lads used to watch.
Really?
Yeah.
Are you sure?
It was like the Sweeney and things like that, which I was always a bit too poncy for.
I remember everybody rolling up their jacket sleeves at school.
Did they really?
Yeah, yeah, just rolled them up like that.
But that wasn't a vice thing, was it?
Yeah, oh, absolutely.
Yeah, a suit jacket with rolled up sleeves.
Not actually rolled, but just pushed up.
I remember going out and buying a white waiter's jacket to wear on holiday to make myself look more like Don Jon Juan.
Don Juan.
And that was my nod to Miami Vice.
It was sort of nominally exciting.
All I remember about it was when Phil Collins turned up.
There you go.
As a villain.
And everyone said, doesn't Phil Collins do a brilliant job as a villain?
Well, maybe that episode is on here.
I'm sure it is.
But it's a terrific prize, eight discs, and that's what you win if you get this celebrity regression correct.
Are we gonna start then?
Yeah, I'm just gonna position my mic.
It might rumble a bit.
Have we got the regression bell?
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Do you have to get the proper atmosphere?
Here we go then, don't forget the telephone number is 08712221049.
I'm now going to regress Adam into the mind and films of a famous film star.
Call 08712221049 the moment you recognise all three films and who Adam has been regressed into and you could win those Miami Vice DVDs.
Here we go, so deep breaths.
If you'd like to be regressed along at home then just take deep breaths as well, it won't work though obviously.
And relax and okay, close your eyes.
And imagine you're on a beach.
And I don't mean a beach like by the sea.
I'm a beach like sort of Ben Midler.
Exactly.
Imagine you're on a beach.
And you're very relaxed.
And anyway, blah, blah, blah.
Now you're regressed.
And wake up.
Tell us what you see.
I'm at work, where I'm an ex-expert in chemical warfare.
My name is Dr. Goodspeed, which sums me up.
And come to think of it, it sums up my acting style, too.
I often play good or heroic people with a speedy or crazy edge.
allowing me to unleash my cartoonish acting powers.
Right now, I'm unwrapping a package which I sent away for.
It's a very old album, which I paid 600 bucks for, and it's Meet the Beatles by the Beatles.
I'm pleased, because I'm a Beatles maniac!
It's only a detail, but it helps to show that I'm a real person rather than a ludicrous cut-out figure.
This will be important later on in this film when I meet my co-star, who is one of the most overrated Scottish men since Mel Gibson.
I'm drifting into a quirky sleep.
OK, that's film number one.
Adam's now fallen unconscious.
08712221049, if you can guess the star or the film.
Let's regress him into a different film.
Adam, wake up.
Tell us what you can see.
I'm outside.
There's lots of men.
We are marching.
Wait a second.
Why am I talking like this, sir?
Oh, yes, sir.
I'm-a talking like this, sir, cause I'm an Italy man!
From Italy!
Bella, but-a tutti frutti, too!
I scream for the lady, you very beautiful Bella Bambi, special edition.
It's so sad when the mother gets shot.
That's a different film.
In this film, I have a tiny instrument.
Not my wig, you understand, but a musical instrument which I use to charm the ladies.
Gino Ginelli, I'm in the army, I scream from Italy, Bella Pasta, Garibaldi, I'm drifting into deep sleep again.
Okay, wake up.
Tell us what you can see for the last time.
I'm in a big glass building, sun streaming through the windows.
I can hear heavenly voices.
A choir of young girls is singing for some reason, and I'm enjoying it because I'm a priest.
In fact, I'm enjoying it so much, I'm going to suddenly break into a crazy, shaky-haired dance, which you would not normally associate with a priest, but that's because I'm not a priest!
I'm just dressing up like one, and it's ironic because I'm the most evil man in the world, and the main reason I'm happy is that I've just planted a human
huge bomb that's gonna go off very soon.
And to celebrate, I'm gonna go and stand right next to those choir girls and fondle their buttocks, cause I'm E-V-I-L, Evil, which is interestingly almost spelling Elvis as well.
Another person I am heavily influenced by.
That's enough clues, bye.
OK, there we go.
08712221049.
Adam will now enter his regressed state.
He's unconscious until you call in and tell us which famous actor he was regressed into and what films.
08712221049.
You could win Miami Vice.
Call now!
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
You join us in the middle of celebrity regression.
Adam has been regressed into the mind and movies of a famous film star.
There's a copy of the Miami Vice box set up for grabs to the person who has guessed who Adam's been regressed into.
Adam obviously is in his unconscious state.
He won't wake up until the correct films and actors are said.
If someone gets it wrong, you could do permanent damage to his already quite damaged brain.
Keith is on the line.
Hello, Keith.
Keith, speak to us.
Hello, Keith.
Hi, mate.
My name's Kevin.
Oh, Kevin.
Look at that.
Sorry.
OK.
Hello, Kevin.
How you doing?
All right, not bad.
Not good.
Good.
Very good.
Now, are you confident?
Yeah, relatively, yeah.
It was quite an easy one, wasn't it?
Everybody you called in got it right.
We didn't get a wrong one.
We like to have a really bad guess.
Oh, why?
We didn't get one this week.
OK, so Kevin, what I'd like you to do is, first of all, let's start with the names of the films, because they won't wake Adam up.
What do you think the films were?
The first one is The Rock.
The rock?
The second one is Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
OK, hang on.
How did you deduce the rock?
What gave the rock away?
Just through the... Well, I've obviously... It's one of those films I've obviously... I've seen too many times.
I actually hate it now.
Yeah.
I hate it now.
Really?
Yeah, it's not that good.
Yeah.
So how did you guess it?
Through him ordering the, did he buy a Beatles record?
Buying a Beatles record, there you go.
Okay, number two, what was film number two?
Captain Craig is mandolin.
How did you guess that?
Through small instrument, I haven't seen the film, I think The Rock put me off the Nicolas Cage movies.
Small instrument, okay.
It wasn't the amazing Italian accent that gave that away.
It might have been a little bit of that as well, yeah, it could well be that, yeah.
Alright, and what's the third film?
The first film was The Face Off.
The Face Off.
I'll never forget does he come around boxes a stirring stirring of course I was woken up by the the sheer level of correctness okay that was great three out of three fantastic was quite easy wasn't it I thought maybe face-off might be a bit confusing but you obviously you know our generation is very familiar with those films I guess and no one's seen captain Corelli's mandolin but everyone knows that it's features cage at his ludicrous worst you know I interviewed him once
as a million billion people in the media have done, but I did one of those sort of 20 minute interviews with him in a hotel room, just me and him, and he did a fantastic thing.
He sort of got distracted in the middle of the interview, maybe I'd asked a boring question, stood up, walked over to the fireplace and the mantelpiece and the mirror with his back to me, and just spread his arms out like a crucifix and took an enormous breath.
Like that as if he was one of his characters, that's fantastic and then turn around and sat down and just carried on So he really is quite quite quite a quirky quite a quirky man.
Quite a quirky man.
Well done Keith, there you go.
You've won Miami Vice.
Does that excite you?
Yeah, yeah, relatively yeah.
Are you gonna watch all of those, all eight discs?
Yeah, I'm just gonna in a minute, I'm just gonna get it and just watch it all.
Well done.
Fantastic.
Well, there you go.
And of course, if you try to enter the competition and still want Miami Vice on DVD, it's in the shops now.
Fantastic.
courtesy of Universal Video.
Kevin, thank you very much indeed for your call and for your intimate knowledge of the work of Nic Cage.
I hope you enjoy Miami Vice.
Of course, don't watch it too much because then you'll forget to vote and we don't want anyone to do that.
You know what we're gonna do next?
What are we gonna do next?
We're gonna announce the winner of our Star Wars text competition.
Oh, fantastic.
We'll do that after these ads.
XFM
Wow, that's got swagger.
Epic swagger of epic proportions.
It's epic.
That's the tears with refugees.
You know, it was my mum's birthday on Thursday.
We went out for a very nice meal.
She listens to the show every week.
Hello, Mum.
You know, I actually call her Mummy.
Yeah, but if I'm on the radio or in public, I tend to call her mum.
Do you do that?
Do people out there do that?
If you're in your house talking to your mummy, can you call her mummy?
But if you're in the street, you go, yeah, mum, well, mum, yeah, mum, ask my mum.
But I can't do it, this is not what I was going to talk about, but I can't make that switch if I'm actually in front of her.
Has that ever happened to you?
You've got a friend round and your mother's there and you go, oh, and this is my mummy.
like that, because you don't want your friend to think you're a ponce.
Ricky sniggers
Steve Laughs Steve Laughs Steve Laughs Steve Laughs Steve Laughs
on XFM.
She thinks- and that's a good observation of the general current indie music scene.
Very sweet.
And she says all the boys who sing sound as if they're going to cry.
She said.
Son, I think that's nice, isn't it?
That's a good thing.
Thanks, Mummy.
I'm gonna unashamedly call you Mummy.
Yeah, from now on.
What about your dad?
You call him Daddy?
I call him Dumbles.
Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
call their mums mummy?
It's weird you know because um now that I've got children myself you know it's just a very natural instinct to tell them that your name is daddy you know because it's yeah well it's nice to say isn't it it's like it's like a baby sound exactly it's cute
And so it's difficult.
I don't think there's any point at which you sort of say, hey, come on, you're four now.
It's looking a bit poncy, this whole daddy business.
That was fine when you were a toddler.
But I want you from now on to either refer to me as Dad, Mr. Buxton.
Well, kids usually go through a phase of calling their parents by their first names, don't they?
Really?
Yeah, quite a lot of kids.
I know some people who still, who through their whole childhoods called their parents by their first names.
I bet you there's listeners out there who that's the case.
Like when they were nine, they'd say, yes Marjorie, all right Donald, if their parents are called Marjorie and Donald.
That's very unconventional.
It's unconventional, but it's not unheard of.
No, it's not unheard of, I agree, but when I always heard people, like, if my friends were calling their parents by their first names, I'd think, something is amiss in this unit.
I don't like it.
I've got to get out or report you to the social services.
Yes.
And usually I would.
Someone's texted in, I call my mum, bum.
Bum?
Yes, after calling her it while drunk one night and finding it highly hilarious.
And she calls me poo, because it sounds like loo.
Bum and poo?
It comes from Louise.
Louise, that's a stranger.
Louise, you live in a mucky place.
You've got to get out of that mucky place.
So listen, I thought we'd play a record and then maybe tie up the Star Wars texting thing.
How do you feel about that?
Yeah, that's good.
There's one more text.
Apparently in Black Books.
Yeah.
Bill Bailey's character.
Uh, apparently there's a sort of episode about that in Black Books.
And Bill Bailey's parents turned up at the bookshop and he called them Mooma and Moo-pa.
Yeah, that's right.
That's a good exercise.
Moo-ma and Moo-pa.
That's good.
That's a good compromise.
Moo-ma.
This is my Moo-ma.
This is my Moo-pa.
Like the Moomins.
Yes.
Uh, and this is, uh, Tygar.
There you go, that's Tiger, who at one stage, Lila, were gonna be sort of big and exciting, weren't they?
Who's saying they're not still?
Poor old Tiger.
That was from 1996, that was a long time ago, and they haven't really been heard of since.
But We Are Puppets, their debut album, is really good, and that's a track called Storm Injector from it.
So, Tiger, if you're out there, it's not too late.
Come on, pull your finger out.
They're probably doing very well under other names, I would imagine.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Not quite time, I think, to do proper justice to the texting competition in which... Oh, I don't know.
Well, do you want to read out a few more that have come in, Joe?
No, no.
We'll do it after the top of the hour.
Maybe you could just remind people what it is.
We've had a text competition where you had to text us to tell us what the stupidest Star Wars tie-in product is, and it's actually unleashed an avalanche of dreadful Star Wars puns and ideas like Chewbacca chewing tobacco.
that's not that bad it's not that bad is it so anyway there's some quite good ones we'll be awarding the prize which is tickets to see the zootons tonight at the brixon academy right after this xfm
Why don't you just leave then?
Why don't you just go somewhere else?
What about that?
Why don't you just leave?
Oh my God, I can't believe it.
I've never been this far away from home.
Why don't we play that one again?
Oh my God, I don't believe it.
I've never been this far away from home.
Why can't we bring that one back?
That's not in the charts no more.
Well, I don't care.
I like it.
That was Razorlight with Somewhere Else.
Very nice song indeed.
Sorry, man.
I have to say before that, jerk it out by the Caesars.
Sam and Joel on XFM, we're here with you for another 50 minutes.
We've got Digits in the Dot coming up at the end of the hour.
At half past two, we'll be going live to Alex Zane, uh, sorry, little bit of wind, at the Oulu Carling Live, whatever it is, big day out thing that's happening.
Um, but we should resolve our text competition.
The prize is tickets to see the Zutons tonight.
Uh, and the question was, what's the stupidest Star Wars tie-in product?
Could you think of one stupider than, uh, Revenge of the Sith scratch cards?
That's a real one.
These are the scratch cards you're looking for, it says.
Yeah.
Uh, Darth Vader doing Orange Wednesdays.
I don't understand what Orange Wednesdays are.
It's those adverts with, uh, with, uh, you know, the orange film people and celebrities come and picture film.
Oh, yeah.
They had one with Sean Astin in it.
Yeah.
Carrie Fish has been in one.
Uh, Patrick Swayze's done one.
Uh, Spike Lee's done one.
Everybody who's slightly on the uppers.
Yeah.
Pops over and does one.
It's like when a Hollywood star turns up in a West End play.
We've had a lot of punny ones and we've had a lot of very odd ones that I don't really understand.
We've had- we've had ideas like Jabba the Hutt fitness video from Gareth, obviously because Jabba the Hutt's very fat.
So that's quite good.
What about this one from Sean in Camberwell?
I'd like someone in Camberwell to win something because I live in Camberwell.
Sean says, Jawa's advertising fruit salad jash dash fru-tini.
Oh, that's what they say, is it?
Well, they say u-tini.
oh and there's a there's a fruit salad called fruitini yeah so they'd go fruitini when do they say utini well you know what that is a bone of contention between me and my brother because i don't believe i've ever heard them say utini i know you've everyone says oh they do they do when do they say at what point in the narrative do they say in the sand in the sand crawler thing
of a new hope, very, very beginning.
When the- when the jar was first- Steve Laughs Yeah.
Is that like in Return of the Jedi, one of the- Ricky Laughs No, in Star Wars.
She said, in the new- in the new hope.
She knows all the- Steve Laughs Oh dear.
Ricky Laughs All the chapter names.
Steve Laughs Okay, stay calm, Lylas, stay calm.
Ricky Laughs I know in the video game, do you remember on the, um, on the SNES, uh, the Star Wars, they definitely said, Ootini a lot.
Steve Laughs That's right.
So there we go.
So that's a good en- entry then, basically, from Sean in Camberwell.
Here's some others.
Richard suggests Yoda advertising Little Chef with the slogan, may the sauce be with you.
That's bad.
We should get him in here and maybe... I'm not suggesting slapping him hard, but just enough to remind him that that's not acceptable.
Pail John has sent in some suggestions.
Do you remember Pail John?
He won the competition a few weeks ago.
Can't remember which one.
Oh no, he won the competition where we were asking people to come up with stuff for the BBFC certificate boxes.
That's right.
And his suggestion is Yoda replacing Thor ahead in the Stannis Dere lift.
Adverts.
That's a good idea.
That also came from Andy and Tom.
Erm, so, but I think we should give it to Natalie, who came up with the lightsaber tampons.
Natalie, is that Natalie Portman who sent that in?
Very possibly.
She lives in SW-14, I believe.
Yeah, there you go.
And she's texted in also to say- Space World 14.
Space World 14.
She's also texted to say she fancies me.
Oh, well, that's why you're giving it to her, isn't it?
So that pushes it over the edge for me.
Giving her the prize, because you want to give her something else.
Yeah.
You know, but, um, if she can't make it to see the Zootons tonight in Brixton, uh, then, you know, we should give the prize to something else.
So, Natalie, you win.
If you can't make it to see the Zootons, well, we're going to give you a call.
Uh, and if you can't make it to see the Zootons, we'll give those tickets to someone else, but we'll keep everyone updated about that threat fighting.
OK, now, Joe, I don't believe you've heard A Glorious Day by Embrace before, have you?
No.
But it says here on the piece of paper that we have to sell this song.
Right.
And I haven't heard it either, so we're both at a disadvantage.
But I nominate you, Joe Cornish, to sell the song.
OK, well, this is the fourth single.
to be taken from the Huddersfield Quartet's number one, fourth album, Out Of Nothing.
It's the follow-up to Looking As You Are, which came out in February.
Embrace are confirmed for the Isle of White, Tea in the Park and Vee festivals this summer.
This is a fantastic slice of rock.
Is that it?
Yes.
Oh, boy.
Embrace aren't going to be calling you for any favours.
Here we go.
Yeah listen to that slice of rock.
What a terrific slice of rock.
That's Embrace with A Glorious Day.
Now, if you listen to Sean Keaveney on Monday from 9am, he'll be giving away copies of the Virgin Megastore's album of the week, which is Hot Hot Heat's Elevators.
And there's more chances to win that album on www.xfm.co.uk.
That's the Virgin Megastore's album of the week, Hot Hot Heat with Elevators.
It's exciting, isn't it?
Yeah, very good.
I'm sure that'll be an excellent album.
Joe, have you seen the advert for comfort?
You know, we were talking a while ago about sort of loathsome animated families in the advertising world.
And surely the, you know, the material family.
Yes, the Stitched Together Frankenstein family.
Yeah, the Cloth People are one of the most, if not the most loathsome animated family on television.
Sorry, let me just drop in.
We've had a little text.
Please don't ever play Embrace ever again.
That's not very nice.
That's not very nice, is it?
Dickie.
Anyway, sorry, keep going.
um yeah but i mean that's that's a given isn't it they're they're pretty much up there with the worst yeah of all time animated families and they're really uh rotating heavily the new ad have you seen it with stitch who's this frightening purple guy who comes along on a motorbike have you seen that one
I think so, I'm not sure I paid full attention.
They're outside, it's the two protagonists, the bloke and his girlfriend are wandering around in their horrible cloth world and suddenly this guy, a purple guy on a motorbike comes along Stitch and they go, oh no, it's Stitch, he's, and for some reason they let go of their bottle of comfort and it hits Stitch in the face and he gets covered with comfort.
And they think, oh my goodness, Stitch is going to come over and knock the stuffing out of us, etc.
But actually what happens is that Stitch is softened by the comfort.
And he goes over and gives the guy a hug and then he goes and he chases a butterfly.
What a wonderful story.
Have you not seen that ad?
Yeah.
But I don't think I paid proper attention.
They make my eyes switch off, those adverts.
Did it upset you at all, the advert?
Well, we've talked about this before.
I hate it.
Yeah.
And I hate them.
I hate them very much, and this ad sort of takes my hatred to a new place, though, because there's something really creepy and disgusting about Stitch.
Like in an excessively frightening way.
Actually, my son is terrified by the ad and I just wanted to know if anyone out there has young children who are scared by it.
Because Frank, and I think Frank is, you know, he's quite a beefy man, man.
maybe he's going into a new slightly poncy phase but he howls in fear whenever the ad comes on he hates stitch and he really it really makes him cry like proper grief tears coming out of little frank's face and it's not very nice for me obviously but i know exactly where he's coming from and i was just curious if anyone else out there had experienced the same thing with stitch the comfort you know
The mistake they made was to do it in CGI.
If they genuinely stitched little people and paid us a lot of money to do it, yeah, that would be a brilliant advert.
Absolutely.
Hey, you know that bit in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy where they all suddenly turn into cloth people?
Yeah.
You see, that's charming.
That's properly well done.
They're actual cloth people.
Someone's knitted them, yeah.
Yeah.
And was it a Michel Gondry video for...
I can't remember the name of the band, but there's been a few knitted videos which have been very good as well.
Hey, I'm not going to get time to do my most worrying things about Revenge of the Sith, am I?
Oh, no, you definitely will.
We're going to play, I've got a free play now, this is some classic Talking Heads, and after this we're going to do the ads and then we'll come back with some Revenge of the Sith.
Which Talking Heads track?
This is from Fear of Music and it's called Cities.
That's Coldplay with Speed of Sound.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
Now, excitingly, it's time to go live to another human being.
We don't usually have other human beings on our show, apart from callers, of course, but this is a celebrity.
It's Alex Zane from MTV's The Alex Zane Show.
Alex, hello!
Hello!
How are you doing, Alex?
I'm not too bad, thank you for that lovely, lovely introduction.
I was going to call you a dirty mop-headed pop pixie.
I'd have preferred that.
Well, you've got it now.
I should have been a pop pixie.
How's things?
How many XFM listeners have you slept with so far today?
Er, er, no, because that would be wrong morally, and I've already damaged myself enough over the past... Yeah, but how many?
Four.
Okay, that's not bad for 2.32 in the afternoon.
It's, you know, I've been busy as well.
I've had to go on stage and introduce bands.
Oh, that's annoying.
There's only so much free time I have on a day like this.
What a ludicrous living you make, Alex.
Now, can you describe the scene for people out there?
Paint us a picture on the radio, Alex.
Can I not?
Because the picture I paint isn't particularly thrilling at the moment.
The information I have stored within my head is quite thrilling, but standing in an office at the University of London Union and someone's suede suit is hung up on the back of the door.
Wow.
You did it, you see?
You did it.
I asked you to paint a picture and you did.
I can see the suede suit.
This is like speaking to a war correspondent, isn't it?
It's the rock equivalent of speaking to a war correspondent, isn't it?
Someone say yes, agree with me.
Yes, Joe.
Thanks.
Do I have to agree as well?
Yeah, God.
What have I- Alex, who is the best band you have seen today?
Er, just got down here from- just like I said, I've just arrived at Eula, just came from the Carlin Academy, Islington.
The cars achieved were phenomenal.
Right.
Fact.
right did they play oh my god i can't believe it i've never been this far away from home he did sing that yeah he also uh just before he sang that he uh he stage dived into the audience and uh and almost lost his pants to a very uh voracious fan uh it was she was oh she was a small girl but really man could she grip really
And he grabbed the security guard's hand and shoved it down his own pants as a way of going, don't let my pants come off, clutch me and whack.
All this before midday on a Saturday.
Yeah, he also climbed up the scaffolding on the side of the stage and then slid down, much like a fireman would.
Yeah, that is a health and safety issue.
I hope you pointed that out to the Kaiser team.
I went on stage and stopped the gig.
Also, just on a grammatical point, I believe the past tense to stage dive is stadgedove.
Just bear it in mind.
Is it really?
Yeah.
He stadgedove.
Oh.
Doesn't matter, but let's move on.
I ring up and I learn something new.
And are you getting a good response from the rock fans when you go on stage, Alex?
Are they cheering?
As you know, it's not really about me today, it's about the music.
It is about you.
And the response has been phenomenal.
The response is going to get even better when our baby shambles take the stage here in a couple of hours.
Now how likely is that to go off without incident?
I wouldn't like to give you a guesstimate.
Do you think they'll actually show up?
Well, I've got my fingers crossed.
I believe so, yes.
It's for a good cause.
Yeah.
Well, that's very exciting stuff.
And we're gonna, uh, is that the main sort of, you know, content got done then?
Is that it then?
Is that the point?
Is that the point being put across?
Can we move on?
Have we said the key phrase?
Virgin Megastore's album of the week.
Carling Live beer.
I'll just do it once more.
So I'm at stage 3 of Carling Live, 24 hours of live music across London.
It's a phenomenal event and I'm very excited.
And listeners can get down there presumably if they're excited by the sound of things.
The coat on the back of the door and all that.
I believe it's all been pre-sold.
It's all sold out, so it's more, if you're coming already, great, come down, I'll see you here.
If you're not coming, then have a great day.
I don't bother.
That's nice.
Alex, thank you so much for talking to us.
Have a great day and we'll see you next week in here, yeah?
I'll be back next week, yeah.
Yeah, good one.
I love you, bye!
Bye, Alexander, with your jaunty cap.
Right now it's time for more live music.
This is from a session that Brendan Benson did when he came into XFM, and the track is called What I'm Looking For.
Fantastic job, Benson there.
Brendan Benson with What I'm Looking For.
Well, this means I'm gonna have to hold over my hilarious list of top 10 revenge of the Sith warriors till next week, but that's something exciting.
When does Revenge of the Sith come out?
A couple of weeks, so still plenty of time.
Yeah, lots of time.
It's time for ditties in the part of the show where me and Adam, uh... What's the word?
Battle it out!
to decide who plays the final record of our two-hour show.
This week, the theme is political records because of the forthcoming election.
Political songs, is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
Well, we, like all other broadcasters, have been told to steer clear of the whole political arena for fear of showing any kind of bias on behalf of the people they represent.
So, you know, we thought one way of maybe having a little bit of politics in the show would be to battle it out between sort of songs with some kind of political theme.
So many to choose from.
Absolutely.
Yeah, I was going to choose Russians by Sting.
That would have been a good one.
How can I save my little boy from Oppenheimer's deadly toy?
There is no monopoly of common sense on either side of the political fence.
But I didn't choose that one.
So I go through some other ones I didn't choose?
Yeah, go on.
Did you know that Grandad by Arthur Dunn was actually written by the Politburo... Clive Dunn.
Clive Dunn?
Yeah, that's correct.
Written by the Politburo for Russian children to sing their praise of Stalin.
and they just changed it to, to Grandad.
So I was going to choose that one.
But instead I'm going to go for my favourite political song of all time as a comfortably off white boy growing up in a nice area of London.
No political song speaks to me with more power than Public Enemies, Fight the Power.
It's the most furious, intelligent, brilliant protest song ever, I think.
An amazingly exciting record for well-off white boys.
Produced by Hank Shockley and the Bomb Squad.
And of course with an incredible rap from Chuck D, who is described by Hank Shockley as the voice of God in a storm, to give Chuck D his correct name, the messenger of prophecy, the lyrical terrorist, the hard rhymer and the architect, and of course, rapping alongside him, Flavor Flav, aka the cold lamp, or the joke, or the juice, and spark plug.
So that's my vote.
Fight the Power by Public Enemy.
I think one of the greatest rap records ever.
Amazingly exciting record.
Fantastic if you pump it up loud.
Brilliant.
Provocative lyrics.
You know, it's got to be the best protest record ever, I reckon.
So my vote is Fight the Power by Public Enemy.
Shut up!
That was amazing.
I want to vote for it myself now.
You've never stirred me up like that before, Jai.
It's arousing, isn't it?
I love you.
It's rousing, arousing.
I'm aroused.
What have you got now?
Something with Frank on it?
No.
I'm going to the... Don't say it like that.
He's your godson.
I know.
It's nice.
I was hoping more Frank.
Well, you know, I'm going to the other end of the political spectrum, in a way, because this is the selfish side of politics.
And in fact, it's, you know, a very important part of politics because it's dealing with money, and in particular, tax.
Now, who do you think I've chosen, Joe?
Is it the Floyd it's not Floyd it's the Beatles with tax man a track written by George Harrison basically moaning about the fact that he was having to pay a lot of tax now that he was rich and famous And telling off Harold Wilson and Ted Heath for charging the Beatles lots of tax and complaining about it but of course, that's one of the key factors that influence people's votes and it will do for a lot of people this Thursday
It's true, it's true.
You know?
So, and it's a fantastic song, of course.
It opens up, perhaps, The Beatles' best album, Revolver.
It really packs a punch.
It's very simple, but it's extraordinary.
And the swinging aspect of it notwithstanding, it's a sort of important political blast.
Swinging?
I never knew what, what does swinging mean?
Moaning.
Yeah.
Never knew what swinging meant.
Selfish moaning kind of behaviour.
There you go.
So that's it?
Yeah, two pretty extraordinary tracks there to choose from.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
All you have to do is phone up.
We're going to take the best of five calls.
And as motive, everybody who gets on the air will win a copy of Simon Reynolds' Rip It Up and Start Again.
That is a history of post-punk, 78 to 84.
And the person with the deciding vote will win that book and the Miami Vice box set.
What an extraordinary motive to call 0-8-7-1-2-2-1-0-4-9 and vote for the Beatles with Taxman or Public Enemy with Fight the Power.
XFM.
Ooh!
Stop it!
Sounds like old Atari noises.
Stop it!
That's Banquet by Block Party.
Now, Joe, we missed a trick, man.
We should have done the whole ditties and the docked thing like an election.
I'm glad we didn't.
No, but, and then we could have said, here's a party election broadcast on behalf of the Beatles party.
Ah, you're right.
That would have been
Brilliant and we're gonna go and I if we win I pledge to provide rocking riffs Rocking riffs that kind of thing.
Well, it is the Beatles versus Public Enemy on Titties in the Dock We've got five callers on the line Okay, let it begin Lucy.
Are you there?
How are you losing?
You sound quite serious.
Yeah, are you heavily hungover?
I
Erm, no, I wish I was actually.
I'm on a bit of a detox.
Usually I would be, but no.
Detox?
Celebrity detox?
Yeah, always.
Are you going to be offering bowls of your own faeces to your family to look at?
Oh, no way.
That's what happens in celebrity detox, isn't it?
Luckily I'm not a celebrity.
Didn't Richard Plack do that?
I didn't watch celebrity detox for that very reason.
Er, did you, how long has your detox been going on?
Er, about two weeks.
Two weeks?
That's pretty close!
It sounds as if you've flushed all the excitement out of your life.
It sounds like you've, you've... I haven't, I haven't, I haven't... You've squeezed out your very, your joie de vivre has been flushed away.
No, no, no, no, no.
Are you getting very spotty?
Er, no.
Is that a common thing?
Sometimes that happens with a detox.
All the toxins come out and you go through a phase of looking as if you've died.
You feel rubbish and you look worse.
Yeah.
I think too, I think you should retox really heavily tonight.
A big cake, a crack pipe, er, twenty bottles of white stripe.
It sounds like you've lost your vim, your vigour, your pep.
Joe, can you remind children out there not to take crack and cake?
Don't smoke crack or eat lots of cake.
Obviously that was a joke.
I couldn't eat cake there.
No, don't smoke cake.
I'd give up the pipe, but it's not a cake.
Do not smoke cake.
Lucy, what are you voting for?
Is it going to be The Beatles or The Public Enemy?
Well, The Beatles, of course.
The Beatles?
Yeah.
OK, there we go.
You win a copy of Rip It Up and Start Again, Simon Reynolds' fascinating post-punk book.
Are you excited about that?
Yeah, definitely.
Do you like to read?
Yeah, now I do, now I'm on my Beatles.
Yeah, brilliant.
There we go, Lucy.
Thanks for calling.
So it's one nil to the Beatles.
We've got another Lucy.
Hello.
Hello, Lucy.
Hi, I got a bit confused then, because I thought I was the first Lucy.
Did you respond when we said Lucy?
I was starting it myself.
What are you?
Lucy, you're entirely different, though.
You're at the other end of the Lucy spectrum.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not detoxing.
It was when you started on that I realised it wasn't me.
Really?
See, this is what happens.
This is the difference between someone who is detoxed and someone who hasn't.
I know, he's not awake.
What do you do, Lucy?
Well, I can't tell you, because I'm probably not meant to be on the radio.
What do you do?
Are you in a very powerful position?
Yes, I'm She-Ra.
You're She-Ra?
That's very powerful.
You must know He-Man, then.
Well, I... What's he really like?
He's fallen out.
You've fallen out?
Yeah, that's why you don't see it properly anymore.
Wow.
So Lucy, you're amazingly powerful, but you're insane.
Yeah, is the reason that you're not allowed to tell us because you've escaped from a special hospital?
This is why, you know, I mean, power and insanity go hand in hand.
Yeah, I bet you Lucy runs the BBC or something.
Oh, is it?
Oh, she said a naughty word.
Lucy, you're out of control.
You are out of control.
The word is sick.
Tell children not to say that, and especially not thank.
All right, Lucy, let's- let's wind this up.
Come on, who are you first?
You've got the Beatles of- It was Public Enemy.
Public Enemy, well done.
Yes, yes, yes, nice middle class.
Lucy, it's been fantastic to talk to you and I'm sure we'll see you at some sort of business meeting fairly soon.
I really look forward to it, love the show.
Thank you very much.
So there you go, that's 1-0, Beatles 1, Public Enemy 1, let's go to our third caller, Perry.
Hello, Perry.
Hello.
How are you, Perry?
I- I'm okay.
You're all right.
What do you think of the Lucy's there?
I think it's disgusting, this detoxing stuff.
I'm currently retoxing at this moment.
Really?
Can I ask a bit, which was your favourite Lucy out of the two Lucys?
The second one, because of her silliness.
And her foul mouth.
She was keyed up to such a point of heightened poshness that she was just all over the shop.
Swearing, bouncing off the walls, getting excited.
And I bet you she does have quite a powerful position in some company or other.
Anyway, what are you going to vote for, Perry?
I'm going to vote for the Beatles.
Yeah, come on.
And you know the track, obviously.
I mean, it's very well known.
Both these tracks are extremely well known.
And have you made up your mind how you're going to vote?
Don't talk to us, obviously, about anything political, but have you made up your mind?
I can't be bothered.
You can't be bothered?
You've got to use that vote.
That is my political stance at this point.
You've got to use the vote.
Come on, Perry, use the vote.
Even if it's just tactical, Perry, you've got to get in the ballot box.
It's fun.
Voting's fun.
You get to look inside your local primary school.
Well, I went there anyway, so what's the point?
Well, you go.
It's a good excuse to go back and you tick your name off.
It makes you feel like you belong and matter.
OK, Perry, well done.
So there we go.
We've been told to speed this up, otherwise we're not going to have time to play the track.
It is 2-1 to the Beatles.
What's going on?
Karen, are you there?
Hello.
Hello, Karen.
How are you?
Erm, I'm very well, yes, how are you?
I'm fine.
Well, you sound so chattable to, but we've used up all our chit-chat time.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Talking to Lucy, Lucy and Perry.
Who are you voting for?
Beatles or Public Enemy?
The Beatles!
What's going on?
What is that then?
Well, that's it then, isn't it?
That's it, that's the end of the story, isn't it?
Beatles have won.
Lila, have you made an error?
Someone's changed their vote.
Because Cornish had swept the board, hadn't he?
And Lila was trying to make it dramatic, and now it's all gone... booms up.
Karen, have you changed your vote?
Are you still there, Karen?
No?
You were helping with time by changing your vote?
You made a mockery of the entire political process.
So you actually called in to vote for Public Enemy?
Yeah, I did.
Well, there you go.
Well, stick with your vote.
Public enemy, 2-1.
All right, then.
Karen, where can we go?
Did Looney's on the line today?
Are we only being broadcast in a mental home?
Well, now we know what's gonna win, don't we, after that?
Who's next?
Who's the last caller?
The last caller is Rob.
It's actually Liam, Rob, who's... Liam, Liam, are you there?
Hello, Adam and Joe.
Hello, Liam.
This is a flipping disaster, wouldn't you say?
I'm disappointed in other people's votes, really, so... Why?
I got the casting vote, and I may even win the Miami Vice, and she was just trying to rob me.
Well, exactly.
It's scandalous.
It's like an election.
It's like a corrupt election.
It is.
Obviously it's the postal vote ruining it.
You've got the casting vote, Liam.
What's it going to be, Beatles or Public Enemy?
I have to fight the power.
Hey, well done.
You see, I haven't won for four weeks and finally I win.
So thank you there for giving me some self-respect.
Hey, thanks for calling everybody and thanks for listening to our show.
We'll be back next week between one and three here on XFM.
And make sure you do go out and vote.
Come on, there's no excuse.
It's fun.
It's an enjoyable way of keeping the democratic process going.
And, you know, just vote and here's public enemy.
Yet our best trained, best educated, best equipped, best prepared troops refuse to fight.
Matter of fact, it's safe to say that they would rather switch than fight.
Come on!
OK, we've got to go into the ads now, Joe.
I'm sorry to cut this off.
How dare you?
I'm sorry.
How dare you?
This is typical, typical white man's attitude to my music.
Sorry about that.
Also, I want to apologize for misusing the word swinging.
Yeah.
It doesn't mean what I said it meant at all.
What does it mean?
It means overly onerous.
Justin E. Collins is coming up next.
If you don't know him, he's got a very heavy Bristol accent.
Don't know if you've noticed that.
Watch out for that.
Give us a shout out, Justin.
All right, you lovely boys.
Do you hear that?
Very West Country.
Take care of Justin.
He's not feeling that brilliant today.
He's looking a little bit fragile.
We'll see you next week.
Goodbye.