Mmm, yes, the Kaiser Jeeves with Modern Way.
This is Adam Buxton.
My name's Joe Cornish.
And, uh, we're your... Are you alright there, Joe?
I'm a bit distorted, but that's okay.
Okay.
We're your hosts, uh, for the next hour and 55 minutes here on London's XFM.
I'd go so far as to call XFM not only the greatest radio station in London, but I'd think, you know, as London's like one of the greatest cities in the world,
One of the- it's gotta be one of the greatest radio stations in the world, you know?
In the world, exactly.
That's what I was gonna say.
Yeah, and we've got one of the greatest shows on the greatest radio station in the world coming up for you.
Music From The Strokes, Hot Hot Heat, The Decemberists.
Who are they?
Oh, they've happened since I've been away.
The Decemberists- They're gonna be big this December.
Why, they're going to be passé by January, aren't they?
By January, no one's going to want to know about them.
What's going on?
The Gorillaz, the Like pulp, we've got box sets of The Exorcist to give away, all five films, including both insane prequels.
Five?
How are there five Exorcist films?
Because they made the first one twice.
because they got it wrong.
Um, and what- was that worth seeing?
Can I just ask you quickly?
I haven't seen either of them so I'll try and steal one of these prizes.
Um, and we- I'm also gonna launch a new competition.
Wow!
A bad one.
It's kind of a one week only competition, a lazy competition.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Laser competition?
Lazy.
Laser tag?
More about that later.
you I want to quiz you as well about your trip to LA.
Last week I was on my own listeners I was told that I apologized too much.
Who told you that?
A couple of friends that were listening said stop apologizing it's a motif in my life I apologize a great deal.
but I won't do any apologising this week, I will instead just be quizzing Joe Cornish about his exciting whirlwind trip to LA last weekend.
Some things I can tell you about, Adam, some I can't.
Of course, Joe, that's taken as read.
A lot of names that you won't be able to mention.
Sure, deals that are being done, legal problems, that kind of thing.
Shall we play some music?
Yes.
Here's the strokes.
Oh, you're so cold.
I'm cold.
Don't talk to me about cold.
I'm freezing.
What am I talking about?
That's the strokes with Juice Boxx.
I quite like that one.
That grows on one.
Don't you agree?
Yes, I do agree with you.
Yes, I do.
You love rock music, don't you, Joe?
Yes, I do.
In fact, talking of loving rock music, a bit later in the show, I'm going to keep XFM listeners up to date with the latest developments in the world of R&B.
In particular, the new single from R. Kelly.
Good.
which is quite incredible.
I'm going to play you some highlights from it a little bit later.
You will not believe your ears.
In light of allegations or just generally?
No, allegations free.
It's an extraordinary, innovative piece of R&B that everybody who's interested in popular music should be aware of.
Oh, so this is a non-ironic big up for R. Kelly, is it?
Not really.
Just wait until you hear it.
OK.
Maybe in the second hour we'll do that.
Oh, I want to hear that now, man.
That's exciting.
We've got too much else to talk about.
Absolutely, yeah.
No, let's leave it till the second hour.
Hey, by the way, this is Adam and Joe on XFM, and you can text us on 83XFM.
You can telephone us, 0871221 049, when the time comes, and you can e-mail us, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
But the text is the main way to reach us, 83XFM, with any comments, queries or entries.
Yes, Joe's scanning those texts.
He's, er, he's, erm, you know, keeping on top of all of them extremely efficiently.
Yeah, it's not very difficult, because... We've also got Lila here.
She's beautiful, she's, er, talented, she's got, er, hair and glasses, and, er, she's our producer.
Give us a kind of shout-out, Lila.
Hello!
There you go.
She's quite severe.
And if you're naughty, she's going to be sarcastic and spank you.
She's also got a filthy mouth.
Can I say that?
You swear more than any girl I've ever met in the most revolting way as well.
You should really wash your mouth out.
Anyway, she's an excellent producer and we're very pleased to have her here.
Now, um, when do you think we'll do your new competition, Joe Cornish?
Uh, well, coming up quite soon, we'll do the new competition, but before we do that, Adam, I wanna know about your phone, because remember, before I left, Adam had lost his mobile phone.
He put out a plea on the radio, and I'm sorry to go over this again for people who were listening last week, but you found it, right?
Somebody called you out.
I'll give you the short version, yeah.
When I came in, I was in a total state.
Alex Zane, uh, host of, uh, future host of, um- Space Cadets.
Space Cadets.
The big new Channel 4 reality show.
On E4.
Anyway, he advised me to send a text to my phone saying, if you find this phone, call this number.
And you get a reward, right?
For a cash reward, yeah.
So someone bought it back.
What sort of person was it that had found your phone, and were they the person who stole it?
Oh no, they didn't steal it because I was cycling and it fell out of a pocket of mine.
What sort of person was it?
How do you mean?
A young person, an old person, a man, a woman?
It was a white male, aged I would say mid 30s, low income bracket.
How could you tell that?
He looked, he was so pleased when I gave him his reward.
Which was I hear 20 pounds.
Yeah, do you think that's really mean?
Yeah.
Oh no.
I would expect at least 50 actually.
Would you?
Yeah.
I feel bad about it.
Twenty pounds is like a pound these days.
Really?
Yeah.
He was delighted about it.
Was he?
Yeah.
He's probably gonna spend it on crack, then.
No, he wasn't that kind of person.
He was a- Smack?
He was a really nice guy, in fact, and I thought- I did feel bad about it afterwards.
No, no, nothing like that.
Some do be.
He probably would have gone out and bought potatoes with it.
Potatoes?
Or seeds to grow things.
Really?
Yes!
But, um... Was he a farmer?
He was maybe a farmer.
A farmer of men.
Um, I don't know.
But I did feel bad about it.
The thing is, I explained last week, I had been such a git and not
followed up on Alex's brilliant scheme.
You see, what I should have done is phoned home to see if I had any messages from anyone who'd found the phone and responded to the text.
I didn't do that.
I went straight from the XFM studios to an O2 shop, bought myself a new phone, got myself a new contract like a jerk, then got home having spent loads of money signing up with a new contract and everything to find that someone had found the other one.
So I wasn't in a generous mood by that point, you know what I mean?
Now you've got two phones.
No, I got the- I gave the other one back and I got all my money back.
It's good to have two phones.
You put them in each pocket and you get cancer on both testicles.
That's, uh... Shall we play some music?
Yeah.
That would be nice as well, to keep you warm in the winter.
Keep your nuts warm.
Yeah, not roast your nuts.
Roast chestnuts.
What?
It's getting Christmas-y.
Play some music.
Quite right.
Getting away from the unpleasant C-word stuff that's unproven.
Right, now this is a song by Hot Hot Heat.
They were hot for a while, and then ironically, given their name, they stopped being hot for a while, and I don't know if they're hot or not.
They're still called Hot Hot Heat, and this is a song called The Middle of Nowhere, which is quite good, I think.
See what you think, listeners.
I think it's gonna be a hit.
Yeah.
That's Hot Hot Heat with Middle of Nowhere.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
You didn't see Jules Holland last night, did you, Joe?
I saw some of it, yes.
Did you see Daugherty?
I did see Daugherty because I thought he'd do something outrageous.
Outrageous!
And I kicked over a mike stand.
Ooh, and it hit the guitarist.
He did it quite early in the song, and then I thought, well, he's gonna follow it up with something even more outrageous, but it didn't happen.
He'd drawn a little squiggle on his face.
he had a sort of Bowie style lightning.
It was like a little green snake coming out of his eye.
Yeah.
I thought it was rubbish.
The song?
The song.
The performance?
Just the whole situation.
I was disappointed he didn't fall over or, you know, hurt somebody or something.
I thought he was gonna push over some amps onto someone.
I was disappointed he was there, basically.
I was.
I liked the beatbox guy they had on.
Oh, I didn't see that bit.
He was amazing.
I didn't like Texas.
Oh, I thought they were pretty tuneful.
I found that like being killed.
Really?
Yeah, slowly.
They had Ed Harcourt.
You know him?
He's a good singer-songwriter.
Yeah.
He was sat in the audience.
He wasn't even performing.
Really?
I wouldn't go on one of those shows again, though.
Do you remember we went- did you- you came to the New Year thing one year, didn't you, with Lee?
Well, we went with Travis once, didn't we?
Yeah.
Didn't we?
And we were made to stand at the back and- Rightly so.
Yeah, and, uh, we couldn't even sit down, it was really uncomfortable, we couldn't move for about two hours while they were taping, and it was such a boring collection of bands they had on there.
Obviously apart from Travis.
Yeah.
But, uh, oh, it was torture.
Wouldn't go on there again.
Anyway, Daugherty, Daugherty, however you pronounce your name,
I think it's time to pull your finger out.
What do you mean by that?
What should he do?
Pull his finger out.
I don't know, I think he's quite tall, isn't he?
Is he?
He seems to be taller than the rest of his band.
Maybe they're just all very small.
Maybe anyone who's seen them live can tell us.
Is he a tall man or are they all midgets?
I think he's a titchy man.
Do you?
Yeah, he's stunted with all that drug abuse.
Really?
Definitely.
I guess that's why he likes the drugs as well.
There's less body to travel around.
That's right.
Powerful.
He's such a little man.
No, I think he- I think he should get back with the Libertines, you know?
Do you think?
They were good.
He is good looking, though.
Do you- were you- are you having some doxy- No, Lila doesn't agree.
You know, I'm not saying that I personally find him attractive, cos that would be faintly homosexual.
You wanna slice a beat!
Um, but you can see why, you know, some women are obsessed with him.
He's very baby-ish looking.
And he's very thin.
He's got a good figure.
He should just be a model, really.
Drape himself over Moss.
Don't you think?
Steve- Absolutely.
I don't even know if they're still going out.
Are they going- I don't- we- I care!
They're famous!
What are you talking about?
So, listen, shall we do my new pathetic quiz?
OK, we should do some adverts first and then play a song and then we'll come back with your pathetic quiz.
Yeah, and the prize up for grabs is the complete anthology of The Exorcist.
That's a box of pure evil.
Pure evil, coming up shortly.
XFL.
Love music.
Love XFL.
It's dead
Yeah, that's the gorillas with dare.
The naughty's answer to the banana splits.
Gorillas?
Oh, they're better than the banana splits, come on.
Yeah, I didn't say they were worse than them, but they're the sort of answer to them.
Yeah, I suppose so.
Yeah?
Yeah.
And thanks to everybody who's texted in about Pete Doherty's height, apparently he is over six foot, says someone who's seen him live.
He's a giant junkie!
He's a giant.
Somebody's saying that he looks like Jamie Cullum's evil brother, evil twin.
Wow.
He'd have to be pretty evil to be Jamie Cullum's evil twin.
Jamie Cullum's somebody's evil twin already.
Shall we do a competition?
Yes!
you just never know so sharpen up your brain and get ready to play so this is a new competition listeners the numbers 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 that's the first thing you need to know 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 the second thing you need to know is that the prize is five evil dvds all five exorcist films including the Paul Schrader prequel and who was it Renny Harlan who did the the other prequel that went all wrong
That one as well.
And the original film.
And Exorcist 2, the heretic.
And Exorcist 3, the whatever it is.
Exorcist 3 is good.
It is good.
It's got that brilliant bit where the guy with the giant shears runs down the end of the hospital corridor.
That's right.
Very scary.
So that's a good prize.
That is a good prize.
Not good if you don't like evil.
No, you've got to like evil.
You've got to embrace evil.
If you enjoy evil, then give us a call.
And this is the competition.
I apologize for the competition.
I was trying to find a crap commentary, but I couldn't find anything, so I came up with this instead.
Adam's just brilliantly named it Movie Lingo Bingo.
What we're going to do is play you a clip from the foreign version of a very famous film.
So you're going to hear a very famous scene from a film, but it's going to be in Italian.
How extraordinary.
Movie Lingo Bingo.
I don't believe it.
And you've got to tell us what film it's from.
So this is a chance for bilingual listeners, especially those who speak Italian, or Italian listeners, to jump the gun for the idiotic, what do you call someone with just one lingual?
A monolingual.
For the idiotic monolingual listeners.
Lingual.
And to win, Italians love evil, so I bet we're going to get an Italian person, you know, winning the exorcist.
Pepe, they are talking about evil on the radio.
Your mother eats pasta in... You know, where I was going with that?
I love evil!
Oh, you were going somewhere dirty.
No, I was, no.
I was just going to do an Italian version of that rude line.
Anyway, so shall we play the clip?
Yeah.
0871-222-1049.
If you want to win evil on DVDs, tell us what movie this foreign clip is from, and what scene from what movie?
I have no idea what I'm talking about.
What kind of competition is this?
LA CRIME AN' LA PIOCCIA It's quite good, isn't it?
It would be better if they'd all, you know, dubbed the music as well.
The music kind of gives it away.
That is one of the most famous music schools in history.
Well, I thought I'd, you know, do an easy one to start with.
Yeah.
It's lyrical, though, isn't it?
It's, um... It's like poetry in any language.
Absolutely.
0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine.
If you know what scene from what film that was, you know what would be good if someone called in who actually knew that speech?
and they could talk along to it in English, translate it for us.
Steve Yeah, we spent many an evening reciting that as youngsters.
Ricky Yeah, we spent many an evening trying to work out what he's actually saying.
Steve That's right, there's a couple of difficult lines in there, isn't there?
Ricky Arguing about it.
Oh, it's 712221049, um, if you want to win the Exorcist box set and know what film that was from, call now!
Steve Okay, here's a free play for you right now, this is Jonathan Richmond and the Modern Lovers.
Come on!
That's Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers.
She cracked.
This is Ella and Joe on XFM.
It's competition time.
We asked you if you could identify... What's the competition called?
It's called, uh, Movie Lingo Bingo.
Yeah, Movie Lingo Bingo.
Not because it's Bingo, but if someone wins it, we're just gonna say Bingo.
Bingo!
Thereby justifying the name.
So we've got a couple of people on the line who think they know.
Should we play it again or is it too long?
I'll play a little snatch.
Play a little snatch.
So Jeff, hello Jeff.
Hello, chefs.
How are you doing?
Yeah, I'm very well.
You don't sound like you're a fluent Italian speaker, are you?
No.
No, but yet you still think you know what that clip is.
How have you recognised it?
Just by its intimacy.
it's on TV see there yeah yeah yeah so where are you going with this one Jeff what you think it is is it a same from ghost which which scene do you think it would be from ghost the pottery scene okay and so if we played the clip would you be able to approximately translate what's being said simultaneously
No.
Would you even have a go?
Just have a quick go.
Well, listen.
What's he saying there?
Oh, I've missed you.
What else?
Where have you been?
That's pretty good, man.
The dialogue's from Ghost.
I've missed you.
Where have you been?
That's the classic moment.
Is it?
Yeah.
What about something like the car?
The moist curves of your clay bulges.
run between my fingers like grass through a lawnmower.
Geoff, are you still there?
Yeah, it's beautiful.
It is beautiful.
Geoff, you're wrong, man.
Oh.
Yeah, it's not Ghost at all.
I'm really sorry, Geoff.
That was an amazingly good guess, though.
I mean, it was a very good bit of translation as well.
Yeah, that's good dialogue you got there, man.
OK, thanks.
Erm, listen, we're gonna send you something anyway.
Send him the exorcist anyway.
Yeah, we're gonna send you the exorcist box anyway.
It's no kind of a prize really, it's sort of like a curse.
Just having it in your house.
It's not, these have had the curses removed from them.
Er, so we're gonna send you an uncursed exorcist box, Geoff.
Thank you so much for calling in.
Thanks for calling Geoff.
Thanks very much.
Alright then, take care.
Now, who else?
We've also got Sinjin.
Hello Sinjin.
Hiya.
How you doing?
I'm good, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and do you, er, what do you think there of, er, of Geoff's guess?
Erm, well I guess it's wrong.
Do you think you've got it right?
I think so, yeah.
Do you, er, can you speak the Italian?
Er, unfortunately not, sono no italiano.
So how did you, how did you, that was pretty good man, that was getting me a little bit turned on there.
Erm, how did you go about guessing which scene it was then and what movie?
Er, well I do know a little bit of Italian but it was more of a soundtrack.
Yeah, very famous music.
Vangelis, of course it's Blade Runner.
Definitely in at the end, time to die.
Yeah.
So you did it, you did all that just from the... Oh, he's going into it.
Sorry, do that again.
Do give us as much as you want.
Play the clip, get him to translate it, like Geoff couldn't.
OK, here we go.
What's he saying, Syngin?
Er, I've seen battles, I think it goes on to say I've seen starships on fire off the belt of Orion.
I've watched sea beams glitter in the darkness at Tannhauser Gate.
That's what he's saying.
All these moments will be lost in time.
Tears.
Pain.
Oh, he just- he doesn't get further than Tears In Rain, actually, does he?
Wow.
There you go, that's a smash, that scene, isn't it?
So, it's, uh, yeah, the thing we always used to argue about was whether he was saying, attacked ships off the shores of Orion, or- No, attacked ships on fire.
attack ships, yeah.
Well, yeah, we- we- we kind of resolved it now.
It is attack ships.
So they're ships which attack.
Right.
On fire, off the shoulder of Orion.
But I always used to think it was attacked ships on fire.
There's a ship on fire!
Quickly attack it!
That sort of thing.
Which wouldn't be a very nice thing to do if it's on fire already.
No, they're on fire because they've been attacked.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just the sort of beauty of them.
Let's talk about this for about twenty minutes.
Can we?
We're nearly there.
OK then.
Hey listen, Syngin, congratulations, that's absolutely right.
Thank you very much indeed for calling in.
Steve Laughs Steve Laughs Steve Laughs Steve Laughs
I don't think I have.
It's quite good, yeah, I recommend it.
You'll enjoy it.
Alright, have a good time, have some evil fun with that, and thank you very much indeed for calling in.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM, we'll be back shortly.
Thanks, FM.
I can't argue with the stripes, really.
People who say they're overrated can shut up!
But you know, we can argue about Stone, which turns out we've both been to see.
This is the new biopic about, what's his name, Brian Jones.
Brian Jones and the Rolling Stones.
Yes, and it's been heavily hyped.
Is it out this week?
You can't move without seeing something to do with Stoned, because it's directed by Stephen Woolley, who's a fantastic producer, set up Palace Pictures and produced some of the most important movies of the 80s, like Company of Wolves and Absolute Beginners.
He's a bit of a hero to me, really, cos he almost single-handedly saved the British film industry in the 80s, when it was badly in the doll drums.
And we used to get very excited about every film he made when we were teenagers, didn't we, Adam?
Yeah, and he's done a lot of kind of 60s biopics, in fact, hasn't he?
He's done Backbeat, he produced, and Scandal, Scandal, it's a scandal.
I think he was responsible for producing.
I watched three films on the plane back from my little trip, and they were all, I thought, not very good.
And I'm afraid Stoned was one of them.
You can't review a film just having seen it on one of those little tellies on a plane.
The tellies aren't little on Virgin anymore, they're massive and you can rewind and fast forward and pause the films and you can choose any film from about 40 films.
Were you sitting in steerage or first?
I was sitting in business class, which was very very uncomfortable.
How did you get in business class?
Air miles.
Steve Laughs
Everybody on the plane was shoving the top of their monitors to try and get them to rotate to a position where they could be clearly seen.
And it was pushing the heads of the person sleeping in front.
Very bad.
Basically, the business class on new Virgin planes is terrible.
You want a bulkhead seat where you can flip out the- Better to be an economy on an empty flight.
You can lie across four seats.
Mmm.
Anyway, so I saw three really bad films.
This was the least bad film, Stone.
It's the one I'd recommend the most.
The other two I saw were Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
My God.
Why did you watch that, you lunatic?
It was the only other film I hadn't seen on there.
That's Robert Rodriguez, isn't it?
It's Robert Rodriguez based on an idea by his seven-year-old son.
Man, if you wanted to actually go about traumatising your child, that's what you do.
Make a multi-million dollar film out of one of his silly dreams and then have it floating around in the world for the rest of his life to haunt him.
It's miserable.
The other film I saw was Festival about the Edinburgh Film- Edinburgh Comedy Festival.
That's got some of the- it's a different topic but it's got some of the least attractive sex scenes I've ever seen in any film.
Well I heard that they were sort of bolted on in a rather unpleasant way, yeah.
Just revolting.
Like the rest of the film is totally PG more or less and then suddenly they're these really shockingly explicit weird sex scenes in there.
That's right.
But anyway, that's another subject.
Let's talk about Stone.
I was writing down all the rock biopic cliches in Stone, OK, and here they are.
Cliche number one that Stone does is it starts with this guy- I forget what the actor's name, but he's wearing a funny pudding bowl wig to look like Brian Jones, which doesn't look that realistic.
And he's on the phone and he's having one of those conversations where he repeats what, you know, the other person on the other end is saying even though he can't hear it.
So he goes,
Brian Jones.
That's almost the first line in the movie.
Then he goes, that's right, the Rolling Stones manager.
7.30 sound check, great.
It's like a Yellow Pages ad.
Then later in the film, he goes, hello?
And Mick and Keith, what, they want to come down tomorrow?
Like that.
What would happen in real life if you did make a call and repeated everything the other person said, as if there was someone listening who needed to understand everything?
Would the person on the other end realize?
Ricky Laughs
So when there's a famous concert or something amazing's happening and there's photographers, it freeze frames on a camera flash.
Scorsese first did it brilliantly, now it should be retired.
Horribly overused.
Cliche number four, deathbed flashbacks.
Character who dies at the beginning of the movie and then you get flashbacks of his life, which are the most exciting moments from the movie.
A woman in crazy 60s makeup leering at the camera going,
And it- you know, images like that flash really fast.
Steve Yeah.
Ricky And you're supposed to think, oh wow, I can't wait to see the context of that flash frame.
Steve I think that's how the doors were structured, wasn't it?
Ricky All of them do it.
Steve Yeah.
Ricky How about this, a montage of international news reports interrupting each other, telling us how important this event is, but in different, uh, languages.
So it goes, the Rolling Stones, uh, have played an extraordinary concerto in the- do you know what I mean?
And it switches languages.
They first do it in Bugsy Malone when all the reporters, uh, rush to report the development of splurge guns.
And they cut from language to language.
It does that one as well.
Man, is this going on too long.
What about adults playing schoolboys in flashbacks?
So they have a flashback to Brian Jones' childhood.
And it's just the same actor, wearing really heavy foundation, with his eyes a tiny bit wider.
an even sillier wig.
Rubbish.
How about this one?
Soundtrack songs that explicitly state something that's happening in the scene.
There's a bit in stone when someone's knocking down a brick wall and the soundtrack song goes, please don't break it down.
what's going on there and there was the other one is they have quite a silly cliche drug montage where they play white rabbit by jefferson airplane today one pill makes you bigger and the other pill makes you tiny that's such a cliche how about this one someone shatters a mirror in anger punches it then you get a shot of their face uh like splintered in the shards do you know what i mean because they're
personality has been splintered.
That's right.
Yeah?
They do that one as well.
I don't like those shots because you always think, ooh, that's gonna hurt, you're gonna lacerate your knuckles.
Surely, yeah, it would cut your knuckles up.
Yeah.
Halla apocalypse now.
I've just got one more, one last one.
What about when there's a character playing an instrument, just a single instrument, and then it's joined on the soundtrack by a full band?
right to try and capture that what's going on in that guy's head uh i mean that's quite a good cliche that's one of the better ones but man stoned is basically just wall-to-wall rock biopic cliches sometimes that's what you want i find those quite comforting sometimes can i say that i found it an enjoyable watch patty constantine is great in it
the Constatine, they kind of waste that story, because there's a really good story in there about a plumber that works for Brian Jones.
Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs It is in there.
Steve Laughs No, you can't.
Now we're going to have to play the Decemberists.
I, you know, I would still recommend Stone personally.
I thought it was pretty enjoyable.
So you're overruled, Cornish.
Steve Damn.
Ricky Laughs
Here's the Decemberists' 16 military wives.
Wow.
There you go.
That's the Decemberists with 17... 16, sorry, Military Wives.
Yeah, that's the first single to be taken from the Portland Oregon Quintet's third album, Picaresque, coming out through Rough Trade.
You can hear them live in session on Exposure with Claire Sturgis between 9 and 11 on Wednesday, November the 23rd.
La da da da da da da da da.
That's like something from the 60s, isn't it?
Anyway.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We'll be back.
We still haven't really quizzed Joe Cornish about his exciting trip to Los Angeles.
I think we should do that in the second hour.
Plus, Joe will be unveiling some extraordinary R. Kelly action.
News.
So stick with us here on XFM.
Love XFM XFM Rock I like to rock I like rock the rocket I like you to rock Good gracious me.
Are you alright?
I like rocking!
Do try.
Calm down.
I'm sorry.
That's the Foo Fighters with Resolve.
This is Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish.
So listen, if I were to ask you listeners, even though I can't hear your reply, who your least favourite R&B singer was, because most listeners to XFM don't like the rhythm and blues, the R&B.
They might like a bit of hip-hop.
Nobody likes R&B.
Nobody likes R&B, apart from me.
And who would you say the least popular, most idiotic R&B singer was?
The answer's R. Kelly, obviously, cos we've been talking about it through the whole show.
So I've got to keep you listeners up to date with R. Kelly News, cos he's released the most extraordinary thing.
R. Kelly's released a kind of soap opera record.
It's actually 12 three-minute singles, that's correct, 12 three-minute singles, and he's made 12 little videos to go with them.
And they've been being slowly released over the last few months.
And this whole soap opera is called Trapped in the Closet.
So in America I picked up the DVD of all 12 episodes of Trapped in the Closet.
And for R Kelly this is an amazingly innovative thing.
He's invented a new genre of music.
Right, the R&B soap opera.
The single which has a cliffhanger ending.
So you've got to buy the next single in order to find out what happens next in the story.
It's quite a good idea, isn't it?
And basically R. Kelly sings all the different parts.
It's like Neighbours.
Bit riskier.
He sings all the parts in different voices.
And he does have a very, very good voice.
But he's also got quite a good, you know, sense of the absurd.
So basically, don't worry, this isn't going to take very long.
I'm just going to play you basically the climactic moments from some of these episodes.
What I'm playing you is like the last ten seconds of each episode.
So let's just get a feel for it.
The story starts with R. Kelly locked in a closet.
So we should say that these are going to be spoilers, right?
If you do intend to listen to R. Kelly's R&B soap opera trapped in the closet in full, then maybe, you know, turn your ears away at this point.
Yeah.
But if you don't, then here's a little sort of synopsis.
So in episode one, we find R. Kelly locked in the cupboard of a woman who he's picked up at a club.
And the reason he's in the cupboard is because this woman's husband, Rufus, has come home and R. Kelly's cell phone has gone off while he's in the closet.
And now Rufus is advancing towards the closet, about to reveal R. Kelly.
So this is the climax of episode one.
So if you play the first clip, here we go.
So there you go.
It's quite a good idea, isn't it?
Like, what's gonna happen next when he opens the closet?
It's pretty literal.
It's very literal, yeah.
So what happens is R. Kelly and Rufus confront each other.
They pull their guns very quickly.
There's a lot of gunplay in this soap opera.
Rufus is furious, obviously, with R. Kelly for cheating with his wife, I think she is.
There's a massive fight, but then suddenly Rufus
reveals that he too has a lover and his lover is actually I do have a lover very similar I do have a lover and his lover is coming up the stairs right now she's coming up the stairs so this is the climax of episode two who is Rufus's lover gonna be so let's hear it okay
Rufus's lover is a man!
He is a homosexual!
So Rufus is quite literally trapped in the closet.
Very clever of R. Kelly there.
That's brilliant.
You know, playing with both levels of that phrase.
Yeah.
So that's episode two.
Rufus has a gay lover and his name is Chuck.
Yeah.
Uh, he sings that, but I won't traumatise you with that.
R. Kelly can't take it, so he heads home to see his girlfriend, Gwendoline.
Gwendoline and R. Kelly make love, and obviously it's amazing, cos R. Kelly is the world's greatest lover.
But just as they reach their climax, R. Kelly sees something beneath the covers.
Play Clip 3.
Can you believe that?
He's found a condom in the sheets.
Oh, I thought he said a robber.
No, a rubber.
Oh my God, a robber!
He's gonna nick my gun and my phone.
So R. Kelly's wife is also having an affair.
Why, I don't understand.
She, oh, I see.
Right, he's seen a used condom in the sheets.
In the sheets.
Yeah.
Nice.
OK?
So then all kinds of stuff goes down.
A cop turns up.
Gwendoline's brother turns up.
There's a fight.
Gwendoline's brother's called Tron.
Tron gets shot.
I'm skipping three or four episodes here because it gets very detailed.
The thing builds to an extraordinary climax.
He's called Tron.
He's got a brother called Tron.
It's a good name for a kid.
It's better than calling him Last Starfighter.
Oh, I don't know.
Anyway, so at the height of the violence, Tron's been shot.
It's a massive, you know, climactic moment.
There's a knock at the door.
Who is gonna be behind the door?
OK, play the next clip.
Spatula in her hair Spatula Like that's gonna do something against them guns Spatula It's Rosie the nosey
It gets better so we thought it was gonna be another part twist it was Rosie the nosy neighbor with a spatula Like that's gonna do something against that girl
you ever heard the word spatula more beautifully son okay so they invite Rosie in various other twists happen and we end up going back to the cops house the cops married to a kind of white trash woman who's acting very suspiciously
and he starts to suspect that she's got someone hiding in her closet as well but actually not in her closet under the sink in the cabinet under the sink so uh the cop approaches the cabinet under the sink because there's a noise coming from in there and he opens it so play the next clip this is what he finds under the sink
She's having an affair with a midget.
I like the way it sort of echoes at the end of all the climaxes.
In the video itself that's amazing it jump cuts between R. Kelly in different poses singing midget midget midget
Extraordinary.
Okay, and bear with me, there's one more clip.
It's hard to explain what happens between that climax and the next one, but basically R. Kelly and Tron show up, everyone pulls their guns, there's a big argument, suddenly the cop's wife reveals that she's pregnant.
But by who?
Who got her pregnant?
It's the final clip.
Okay.
This is XFM.
Very good, well done.
Hey, listen, Adam, and listeners, on the weekend breakfast with Gareth Brooks, it's your chance to win prizes, including an O2 iMode phone.
iMode is the new mobile phone internet service exclusively from O2 that gives you access to the internet at the touch of a button.
That bit's written in bold, so I emphasised it.
O2 are also giving you the chance to test iMode within an interactive area in Covent Garden.
from the 17th to the 20th of November.
So go check it out.
What does that mean?
Erm... They're giving you the chance to test iMode.
Oh, I see.
So you can go and access the internet.
Er, in Covent Garden.
Brilliant.
Can you- I wonder if they'll let you look at ladies with no clothes.
Probably.
Oh, I love the internet.
Internet at the touch of a button.
That's the key thing.
That's the key phrase.
Thanks for telling me all that, man.
That's all right, man.
I really missed you last weekend.
Hey.
And I'm so glad you're back to tell me that kind of thing.
That kind of thing, yeah.
Well, that's exciting, isn't it?
Yeah.
That is exciting.
So, Schleicher, do you want to hear any stories from my trip to Los Angeles?
Come on, then.
What was Steven Spielberg like?
I didn't meet Steven Spielberg, but I did go onto the set of Superman 3.
Not Superman, Spider-Man.
Oh, wow.
With, er, directed by Sam Raimi.
By Sam Raimi, yeah.
Met Sam Raimi.
That's my, that's that name dropping.
That's the first name drop.
Yeah.
And I shook the hand of, er, Thomas Hayden Church.
Dressed as Sandman.
You know what, I can't tell you anything that I saw there, cos it's all secret.
Top secret.
It's all secret, yeah.
I heard from Simon Pegg that Edgar was invited to direct a scene by Sam Raimi.
kind of, yeah, yeah.
Kind of.
Well, I don't know, it's just indiscreet to talk about it, but yeah, no, it was kind of in a joking sort of a way.
Steve Yeah, like as a mark of respect.
Ricky As a mark of respect, yeah.
Steve From one zombie fan to another.
Ricky Yeah, yeah.
Steve That's exciting.
Ricky But I can't tell Edgar's stories for him like some sort of terrible second hand idiot.
So he'll have to come and tell himself.
Steve But you're my favourite terrible second hand idiot.
Ricky Ah, thanks man.
But the one thing I was really excited about was I was hanging out with, I was hanging out with, I can't even speak these things, with Matt Stone.
He's a really, really nice guy.
that's terrible isn't it but they would he he was we were talking about South Park and how amazing South Park is basically for me South Park sort of overtaken the Simpsons really in terms of excitement and you know keeping the quality up and it's an amazing show because they can do they can literally talk about anything they want they can be as insulting or subversive as they want and nobody seems to care mm-hmm
And I said that to him and he said, well wait for this Wednesday's episode, not in the UK but in the States.
It's an episode about Scientology and it went out last Wednesday in the US and it's got Tom Cruise in it and one of the plot lines is Tom Cruise comes over to Cartman's house and he gets stuck in Cartman's closet.
So for the whole episode they're going, Tom!
Come out of the closet!
apparently over and over again.
You understand?
Get it?
And basically they were delivering this episode the night before it went out.
They finished South Park pretty much the night before it goes out, which I didn't realize, to put super topical stuff in.
And Matt thought this might be the end of the road.
He thought they might have finally pushed it too far because they're baiting the crews and they're baiting the Scientologists.
Two of the most litigious and powerful bodies in the world.
Don't abuse the crews.
And so the next night after it had gone out in the States, I'd left by then, but I was looking at the talkback on Ain't It Cool and people were going crazy.
what saying wow that was amazing saying it was the best south park why because they'd implied that tom cruise was gay uh just because it was really funny and daring and ballsy and i can't wait to see it
hearing and ballsy.
You don't sound convinced.
I don't- I don't dig cruise bashing personally.
I'm pro-cruise.
And I think- I love cruise too.
There's more genuinely important and subversive things that can be done than just call someone gay.
Yeah, I haven't seen the episode yet.
So I might not have described it properly.
And you know, that might just be one joke out of many, but I think it sounds brilliant.
what's the worst thing you can say about Cruz is that he's so rich he's a bit insincere I don't know Simon Pegg again I was talking to him the other day I hope he doesn't mind me mentioning the fact that he's just done some work on Mission Impossible 3 thought Cruz was lovely fellow and I you know he just seems like one of the less evil people in the world to me
that you think?
Er, yeah, probably, but, you know, I don't know, I think that sounds like a funny episode.
I shouldn't have told you.
Oh yeah, no, I'm- I'm not knocking the, er, funniness of the episode.
Just, er, questioning the cruise bashing.
I love Tom Cruise and I don't- I think he can take it, you know?
I think he can probably take it.
I don't think he can.
I think he's in terrible trouble.
No, we can't say anything, otherwise he'll sue us.
No, he wouldn't sue me.
He loves me.
Because I love him.
You just want to get a bit part in Mission Impossible, don't you?
Partly, yes, I do.
Mission Impossible 4.
If anyone's listening, I'd love to do a little bit.
OK, here's another free play for you.
This is a band that Joe got me into, in fact, when we were back at school.
Orange Juice, fronted by the mighty Edwin Collins.
This is a track called Craziest Feeling.
Come on, it's a peach.
Orange juice with craziest feelings.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
So I wanted to follow up on a little bit of stuff that we talked about the other week.
We were asking people if they thought we should go on and be interviewed for Channel 4's forthcoming 100 Greatest Funny Moments.
One of our clips from the Adam and Joe show called 20% Free, where we went in and nicked all the free bits in a shop, is turning up in this rundown.
Yeah, and they asked us to do an interview, and we asked you, the listeners, whether we should do it.
And you all said we should, so we did.
Yeah, we did.
I really, really regret it.
Well, I could tell you were in a bad mood, Ad.
Not in a bad mood, but I could tell you weren't enjoying yourself.
Really?
I thought you weren't enjoying yourself.
Well, there was a woman who was very nice, but we were sitting doing this interview, and the woman actually interviewing us was being very polite.
But the producer was sitting exactly in our eyeline, just to the right of this woman interviewing us, looking more bored than I've ever seen anybody in the world.
As if
And probably what we were saying was boring, but she looked as if every word was slowly killing her.
And then after about 20 minutes, she started saying to the woman interviewing us, Jill, 10 minutes, come on, no more than 10 minutes, come on, wrap it up, just in front of us.
and then she started going, come on, the next- Nathan's waiting.
Nathan from Brother Beyond, who was the next guy up to the interview, was waiting.
Come on, it's just- it was quite rude.
You know?
Ricky Yeah, I wasn't upset about that at all.
I mean, I think, uh, you know.
Steve I tell you the other thing that happened to me is I started not- I started forgetting what her questions were and just talking as if I was being interviewed by God.
or something.
Yeah, you forgot to talk in soundbites.
I did forget to talk in soundbites.
And I stopped myself, because I was just going into the stories that I wanted to tell about how brilliant it was, the show was.
It was, oh man, I just, it was- Do you think we're gonna look like idiots?
Yeah.
I mean, we just took ourselves seriously.
Like, we didn't do commentaries on our DVD for exactly that reason, to be so vain as to go on about how brilliant we are.
And then we just- But we didn't ever say we were brilliant, did we?
Wow.
It was... I thought it was a shame that we did it.
But there you go, I suppose it's... I don't think anyone cares.
What was the worst thing we said?
What was the worst thing I said?
Was it something I said?
No, no, no.
It was just the fact that we did it, you know?
Just the fact that I really had made a vow never to be associated with another Top Hundred show ever again.
And just because they were talking about our clip, in I go, and start going on, yes, well, it all came from an idea that we had.
it was stressful.
Anyway, um- Steve so that's something to look forward to.
Ricky Yeah, there you go.
Steve When's it going out in the spring?
Ricky April or something next year.
Steve We could just call them up and say don't use it.
Ricky I was thinking about it.
Steve We could pay them the money back.
Ricky I was thinking about it.
Steve Yeah?
Ricky Yep.
I was thinking, listen, have your money, but then we would have wasted an hour of their time and they had a crew and everything.
Steve No, they don't care, that'd be fine.
Well, pull it!
Pull it!
Pull it, for goodness sake!
Well, I might talk to our agent this week.
So listen, Digit and the Doc coming up in the next 20 minutes.
The theme, can I reveal the theme this week?
Go on then.
It's monkey songs.
We should probably do it right now, shouldn't we?
Songs pertaining to, or involving, or associated with, somehow, monkeys.
And this is in advance- Ooh, hello.
This is in advance of the release of King Kong, which is going to be Peter Jackson's King Kong.
It's going to be everywhere in a couple of weeks.
We thought we'd steal a march on the competition and get our monkey business out of the way ahead of time.
Yeah.
So do you want to, we may as well pitch them now.
We've got like 20 minutes left.
OK, I'm going to go for the theme from Monkey, the famous Japanese martial arts adventure series dubbed into English and shown in the UK in the early 80s.
The adventures of Pigsy, Sandy, Tripitaka and Monkey.
who of course had massive sideburns and sort of looked like he was from Penge, didn't he?
Penge?
He did, he looked more British than Japanese.
Yeah.
And Monkey of course involved them chasing each other on souped-up clouds, transforming into animals, randomly changing gender confusingly, and kung fu kicking various demons that they met on some quest for something that I could never quite work out.
The theme tune is amazing, it's a kind of funk-rock workout by a Japanese band called Godiego, who recorded it in 1978.
And that's what I want you to vote for the theme from monkey and as an extra thing the theme I've got it's got an amazing introduction monkey Do you remember it had a voiceover that climaxed with him saying this nature of monkey was irrepressible The version I've got doesn't have that on it But I'm going to ask you Adam Buxton to read the monkey voiceover over it if you win that is if I win I
OK?
So that's, if you want to hear the theme from Monkey, call 0871 2221049.
So you've craftily co-opted me into your song there, you see, to try and increase the likelihood we will get voted for.
Well, I'm in trouble.
I haven't won for about four weeks.
Well, it's a tough one, and this is probably a little bit lazy, and I hope your one wins.
I'll be unashamed about that.
Have you picked another rock classic?
Yeah.
It's not the Beatles, is it?
No.
What's the most famous indie monkey song, Lila?
I was going to say I'm a believer.
No.
I thought... I thought I actually had to have monkey in the title.
Is it George Michael with monkey?
No.
Come on.
Is it the specials?
Is it indie rock classic?
It's the Pixies.
And I know I had the Pixies last week, but listen...
Man, it's a good challenge that Pixies versus the theme from Monkey.
Pixies with Monkey gone to heaven.
I really don't need to say that much about it because most XFM listeners will be familiar with it.
So yeah, let's see.
It's a good song, man, but I'd say overplayed.
Sure, absolutely.
Certainly, yeah, I wouldn't argue with that.
But then so's the theme from Monkey, really.
Is it?
You know, I tried to watch Monkey again the other day.
It's not as enjoyable as I remember it.
That beginning is still amazing.
The beginning's amazing, and it did have some amazing bits.
The translation was done by a British guy who also did the water margin, and he completely reinvented the script and made it interesting and funny.
Uh-huh.
Uh, but you obviously don't agree.
Well, maybe I'll reapply myself.
I certainly absolutely loved that show when I was growing up.
Man, the theme tune is a genuinely brilliant bit of music.
Yeah.
Really funky and strange.
OK, so vote now.
It's Monkey versus Pixies.
Hey, and can I say, everybody who gets on the air wins a copy of the Happy Mondays Greatest Hits.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9 will be back shortly.
Love music.
Love XFM.
Oh dear, very sodden.
Stop it.
Hey, listen, so before we resolve ditches in the dock, couple of people have emailed- I should just say who that was.
That was Maximo Park, with a license pressure.
Thanks.
Sorry.
Couple of people have emailed about- have seen that episode of South Park and said it's great.
And apparently it's also got R Kelly telling- sort of reporting on the whole thing.
telling Tom Cruise to come out of the closet.
Fitting with the whole trapped in the closet thing.
Man, I can't wait to see that.
These people have downloaded it off the internet.
It's poetic.
How do you do that?
What, downloaded the episode?
Yeah, it's BitTorrent.
Sounds illegal.
I'll have to come round and see them.
Right!
Ditty's in the dark.
So this week it's a monkey clash.
In anticipation of Peter Jackson's King Kong, two monkey songs, I chose the theme from Monkey, the 80s-dubbed Japanese TV show.
Adam chose the pixies with Monkey Gone to Heaven.
Correct.
So we have some people on the line, and the first person to get the best of five will win.
Yes, and Sarah.
Hello, Sarah.
Hello.
How you doing?
Hello, I'm fine, thanks.
Are you OK?
How old are you, Sarah?
I'm 17.
Studying for exams?
Are you studying for exams?
All teenagers are constantly studying for exams.
Yeah, and it's going okay, is it?
Yeah, yeah, it's going well, thanks.
Good, good, good, good.
Adam, questions for Sarah.
Sarah, what are you up to this weekend?
Good question!
I'm having a party.
You're having a party?
Yeah, at my house, basically, now.
Would it be inappropriate to have two men in their thirties at your party?
Would it be inappropriate if I snobbed one of your friends, who was 17?
They wouldn't mind.
Brilliant.
Okay, well just text the address.
So what are you voting for, Sarah?
Because what?
She's never heard it.
Have you ever seen Monkey, Sarah?
Yeah, it's a mid-80s thing, so you would pretty much roundly miss it.
I think it's repeated on one of the cable stations.
In fact, it's safe to say that the majority of our cultural references will bypass almost all our listeners.
Well, yes, as we are quite old.
Anyway, thank you very much for your call, have a good time tonight, and please don't be silly, all right, Sarah?
Just don't be silly, all right?
Don't do horse drugs.
Just as Kate Moss does them, it doesn't mean they're sexually glamorous.
Please, they're for horses.
Put down the horse drugs.
Neil, how you doing?
Good afternoon, I'm well, thank you, yourself?
Yeah, very good, thank you.
Very well, thanks, Neil.
Neil, what are you up to?
Are you having fun this weekend or are you working?
I am currently working.
Have you accidentally glued your teeth together, Neil?
I haven't, no.
Wow.
It just sounds a bit like you're talking with your teeth glued together.
No, I'm not, no.
He's on the loo.
Neil, what's the nature of your work?
I'm delivering parcels at the moment.
Oh, well done.
Delivering parcels.
In the Great Croydon.
Yeah.
Good for you.
What, really early in the morning?
No.
It seems to me delivering parcels is a license to just ring people's doorbells before five or six.
It's good fun, yeah.
It is fun.
You must see a lot of quite sexy ladies who've just got out of bed.
Because men don't get up there.
There's been fun, but then you get the complete opposite of that as well.
Yeah.
Wow.
Hairy men.
Ooh, sexy.
Are you an elf?
What?
Not today.
Did you think he works for Santa?
Yes.
Oh, Adam, it's exciting.
It's Christmas.
What's it like working for Santa, Neil?
What's he like?
What's Santa really like?
A luxurious beard.
Wow.
Neil, what are you going to vote for?
Is it inside the knowledge on Santa?
Is it monkey, the theme tune, or pixies?
Okay, come on you gotta get one in the bag for the indie rock classic.
No one all, what am I talking about?
And Spike's on the line.
Hello, Spike.
Hello.
Are you Spike Jones?
Say yes.
No.
Couldn't even manage that.
Spike, what are you up to?
Working at the moment.
Yeah, what are you working at?
Paint and decorate it.
Which do you prefer?
Ricky's a favourite, decades.
Is it really?
Wow.
Man, I need my office done, actually.
I'm already doing one at the moment.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Are you good?
Honestly, are you good or are you a bit shoddy?
Do you cut corners?
No, no corners cut here.
Really?
Do you clean up after yourself nicely?
Of course I do.
Hoover up as well.
Oh, Spike, you sound brilliant.
We highly recommend Spike.
So what are you voting for, Spike?
It's got to be the theme tune from Manti, Take Me Back To My Childhood.
Well done, Spike.
You used to watch the show, right?
I used to rush home to watch it.
Never missed it.
It was amazing.
You don't really get shows like that on anymore at all.
Hey, thanks for your vote, Spike.
And good luck with the painting and decorating you today.
Thank you, Spike.
And hope it goes well, continues to go well.
Ian, are you there?
Yeah, hi.
How are you?
Not bad, thanks.
Not too bad.
Now we're running out of time a little bit, so we might have to rush you.
What are you going to go for, Ian?
Are you going to go for the Pixies or Monkey?
It's gotta be monkey.
Oh, and it takes it.
There you go.
That's the deciding vote.
Finally a win for Cornish.
After four weeks.
Thank you very much, Ian.
Thanks, Ian.
And we should apologise to Aidan, who's also hanging on.
Can we get Aidan in very quickly?
Aidan, are you there?
Say words, Aidan.
Oh, Aidan's gone.
Well, quite right, because... He heard that Monkey had won, he slammed down his phone and he said, yes, justice has been done.
Cornish has taken it with the Monkey.
So, hey, thanks, everybody, for listening and texting and emailing, you know, and we'll see you next week.
Right, so I'm going to do the intro for this, am I?
Yeah, so this is the theme from Monkey by whatever they were called, Gotti Gotti Gogo.
Gotti Gogo.
I sounded like I knew what I was talking about before, but now I've exposed myself as a knowledge... You're just a paper shuffler!
You just read things on paper!
Got Diego, they were called.
And it's free of the voiceover, so Adam's going to perform the voiceover.
Have a great week, everybody.
In the worlds before monkey, primal chaos reigned.
Heaven sought order.
But the phoenix can fly only when its feathers are grown.
The four worlds formed again and yet again.
And endless eons wheeled and passed.
Time and pure essences of heaven, the moisture of earth, the powers of the sun and moon all worked upon a certain rock.
Old as creation, and it became magically fertile.
That first egg was named thought.
From it came a stone monkey.
The nature of monkey was... What?
I love you, bye!
Born from an egg on
Monkey magic!
One o'clock he saw sympathy, this one is All the gods were angered and they punished him Until he was saved by a manly priest And that was the scarf of their king
XSX