Ooh!
Well, why don't you mend it, you loony?
Dear, who was it, dear someone?
Liza.
Liza?
Yeah.
Who was it, Liza?
Liza, she was in charge of all the repairs.
Really?
Yeah.
Nursery room, repair department head.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Welcome to two hours of, uh, you know, fairly low quality radio.
Xanthe's looking after us today, which means it might be an unusually anarchic rule-breaking show.
Hey, cause Lila's away.
Lila's quite strict.
She's a sort of dominatrix.
But Xanthi's kind of a sexy dolly.
She's like, Xanthi's like the sexy replacement teacher.
Yeah.
Who comes in and you can fool around a bit more.
That was hard five way with, uh, what's that song called?
Uh, that song is called Cash Machine.
Yeah, in the video they're stuck inside a cash machine and it's like a sort of money mine.
They're like miners, yeah.
I just saw it on Saturday morning idiots with those two idiots from Fame Factory.
Saturday Blob.
Fern Cotton with her orange hair.
She's made herself look unattractive.
She used to be really sexy.
What's she done?
She's gone all ginger and somehow her face has become more pointy and hawk-like.
Lady Hawk.
I'm attracted to hawks.
Yeah.
Fair enough.
She is.
She's like a sexy parrot.
Good.
Yeah.
So, coming up for you, we've got lost DVD box sets to give away.
That's a good prize, isn't it?
Series 1 of Lost.
We've got three pairs of tickets for XFM's December live session with Carling to see The Bravery, an exclusive gig on Thursday the 1st of December at the Islington Academy.
We've got great music.
We've got Ditties in the Dock.
We've got a competition.
We've got all kinds of things, right?
Yeah, absolutely.
And can I just say that Alex Aime just said that I broke the Xbox 360.
There's an Xbox 360 in the reception here at XFM, which is very exciting.
Well, I'm so excited about it.
I've pre-ordered one for next weekend.
I can't believe there's one just sitting there.
So what did you do?
You tried to... I tried to take it.
Yeah.
And it's in a massive presentation stand.
Yeah.
And I was sort of doing a comedy steel thing, you know, down the corridor.
Cos when you're sitting in the studio, you can see people coming and going down the corridor.
Right.
So I was sort of dragging it out in a funny way.
Then it stopped working.
A comedy steel thing?
Yeah, yeah.
Even though no one was actually watching.
That's what you tell the judge.
He's easy to impress.
It was a comedy steal, Your Honor.
Yeah.
Anyway, it's working again.
They fixed it, did they?
Yeah, it's been fixed.
We just switched it off and on again.
I'm very relieved.
That's always the way with computers.
But I don't know whether any listeners out there have pre-ordered Xbox 360s.
They're supposed to arrive in the shops this time next week.
I've pre-ordered mine, but Microsoft is saying they haven't got enough machines to supply demand.
And if I don't get one this time next week, I'm going to have the biggest tantrum of my life.
When will they learn, though, with Christmas and everything?
I don't understand.
What, to make enough things?
Yeah, do they deliberately keep supplies short just to make it seem more sexy?
Maybe, maybe.
But if I haven't got one in my house by this time next weekend, I am going to take that one.
OK, there you go.
I'm going to bring a little hammer.
You've been warned, XFM.
Right, let's play some music.
This is the Coldplay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Ah, Coldplay.
Come on, don't be like that.
I tell you what, if I was Coldplay, I would complain about Virgin Atlantic using Coldplay during take-off and landing.
Right.
Every time you fly on them.
What, they're always the same song?
Just the latest Coldplay album.
It lasts for half an hour as well during taxiing, take-off, and until the fasten your seat belts lights go out.
Yeah, but that's only like this month.
They'll probably change it to another album.
Do you think?
It'll be hard fire next month.
Will it?
Yeah.
cos they're huge.
That's true.
You know, I like that song, though.
Halfway through, I was thinking, I'm really enjoying this, but then I looked at the clock and it said it had another two minutes and 30 seconds to go, and then I ran out of steam.
Yeah.
Their new video's quite good for their new single, They Go To The Moon And Meet A Robot.
Wow.
Yes.
They probably could go to the moon and meet robots if they wanted.
Probably.
They could do anything they wanted.
Yeah.
If I- if I could do anything I wanted, that's exactly what I'd do.
Would you?
Yeah.
Aw.
Go to the moon and I'd meet some robots.
Yeah.
So, uh, presumably you've been watching a lot of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here this week, Jack?
No, I don't know what the listeners think, but I'm boycotting it.
Why are you boycotting it?
Because I don't care.
Oh, come on, you love Big Brother and all that rubbish.
Yeah, but I can only deal with- with one a year.
Right, fair enough.
And, uh, I- I don't think I've even- I haven't done any this year, in fact.
Yeah.
And David what's-his-face, Dickinson, orange man shaving his pubic hair.
It's not any draw for me on any level.
Ironic or non-ironic.
Yeah, but just the thought.
No, I can understand you being turned off by that.
What about Carol Thatcher weeing?
Carol Thatcher-Weeing, no.
No.
You see more of that.
Do you?
No, you only saw it once and it was, it was unappetizing.
It's a bit of a bust, this series, cos I am a, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here, man.
Right.
And, um, whereas you're a big brother man, is that fair to...?
I don't want to be called a big brother man, that's terrible.
No, I know, but in broad terms, you, you've got time for big brother.
Yeah, I'm an occasional tourist.
Yeah.
Well, I quite like I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
Last couple of series I thought were pretty amazing.
Do you like the bugs?
Because the thing that changes more each year is the little stings they use to promote it with.
And they've got CGI animated insects, haven't they, this year?
Oh, yeah.
I don't like them, but they remind me of Ricky Gervais's flanimals.
Yeah.
It's probably what inspired them.
But those things can be more sickening than the shows.
You know, the thing that they choose, the little- they call them interstitials, the tiny little adverts that go before and after the breaks.
Yeah.
They can be more annoying than- than the series, cos you're gonna see them 50 times a show, every day, every week, for eight months.
Exactly.
Or however the thing runs.
I think it's- Like the phone's for you, man.
on the last big brother, I need to find him and just stamp on his head, face.
I hate that phone's for you, man.
I really hate him.
Not personally, but the persona he creates.
Who, the guy who leans out the window and sort of goes, hey, scary Mary.
I really want to kill him.
Not the actual actor.
He's okay.
But the persona.
If I saw him in the street dressed like that and doing that thing, I would attack him.
You'd run over and kill him in the face.
And I think the crowd would support me.
I don't think the police would prosecute me.
I think I'd be a sort of a minor national hero.
Yeah, there'd be a phones for you legal loophole that would get you out of it.
I know, I think it's Going Places or Thompson Holidays that sponsor I'm a Celebrity this time round, and there's a really annoying little- little bumper with- talking about the fact there's more legroom on one of these- is it Thompson or I don't know, Going Places?
I'm not sure.
Anyway, there's more legroom on- on one of these packages or whatever, so you have a shot of a couple of people sitting in their chairs in a plane and you see their feet dancing in a kind of annoying way.
And that- that's the thing that really is annoying me at the moment about, uh, I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here.
Plus the fact that there's really nothing happening on it, and there's an atmosphere of total desperation, and they're just sort of regurgitating events from the previous show.
Haven't they chucked cannonball in, though?
They've chucked cannonball into the mix, and when you have to chuck Tommy and Bobby into a show to spice it up, things are bad, I would say.
And I think, I might be wrong, but I get the feeling they've coached at least Bobby to sort of stir things up a little bit and be quite bossy.
He was always the wacky one.
Yeah.
But what he'll do without his braces.
Are they letting him bring his braces in?
No, he doesn't have braces.
He talks about his braces.
He talks in anecdotes.
He gives them long, great big anecdotes about his showbiz life and the genesis of Rock on Tommy and all the catchphrases and stuff.
Long anecdotes?
Yeah, really long.
How dare you do long anecdotes?
What are you saying?
We do long anecdotes.
Well, just let me talk.
And then they cut it to make it look really boring.
OK?
See, it wasn't that long.
Right, I'll play some music.
That's great.
I love that.
That's Walk Away by Franz Ferdinand.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We'll be back shortly.
XFM.
Love music.
XFM.
That's The Modern Way by the Kaiser Chiefs.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
and everyone on the set laughs, and he laughs.
It's a good moment.
It's right at the beginning of one of the fascinating featurettes, or docutinas as I like to call them.
But at one point he says, Steven Spielberg says, you know in making War of the Worlds, I wasn't so interested about making a film about an alien invasion, but I wanted to make a film about a deadbeat father learning to be a good father.
And at first you think, oh, that's fair enough.
But then you think, what kind of a father is that?
What kind of a father needs aliens to invade to actually make him love his kids?
A deadbeat father.
And then you start to realize that in most blockbusters, that's what's going on.
You know, in Day After Tomorrow, it takes a massive global ecological disaster to make Dennis Quaid show some affection for Toby McGoose or whoever it is.
Johnny McGuire.
What's he called?
Toby?
Renford Stockport.
Jimmy... In Hook, do you remember Hook?
Sure.
Robin Williams can't be arsed to show up to his kids' school play, do you remember?
Yeah, keeps missing the baseball matches and all that.
They have to be kidnapped by imaginary pirates before he can actually be bothered to show up to their play.
Yeah.
And it made me think, man, American parents, they're really lazy.
Not only do they like their portions really big, but it takes the death of millions of innocent people in a spectacular fashion just to make them change one tiny thing about their lives.
And it made me think, you know, what would it take me to change things?
Like, I hate avocado, but for no reason, no logical reason at all.
Maybe if I was on a cross-channel ferry and it got hit by a tidal wave and it was capsized and my life was saved by a crate of avocados, maybe that would make me like them.
You know, can you think of something that you really can't be bothered to do, that if you were a character in a film would be your character flaw, Adam Buxton?
What would it be?
What can't you do?
What's your wife always bugging you about?
Washing up?
Tidying up?
I don't think I'll- I don't think I'll wash- you know the bits of cutlery that don't go in the dishwasher like the wooden spoons and the spatulas?
I don't think I'll ever learn to wash those up until maybe South London is hit by a typhoon.
Right, and you have to use a clean spatula to get out.
Somehow, somehow.
With just a thought.
Oh, that's interesting, man.
And, you know, after that, I don't know whether I can sympathise with Tom Cruise's character in War of the Worlds.
Cos, you know, someone should just talk to him and say, hey, Ray, you rust belt crane worker, you.
Yeah.
Show a little love for your kids.
See them more often than six weeks.
You know, don't wait for the aliens to teach you.
I wish that he had made the film about all the aliens attacking.
That would be exciting.
Yeah.
You know, he's very lucky, that character in that film.
Who?
Oh, Tom Cruise's character.
Yeah, because he really very narrowly escapes those disintegrating lasers at the beginning.
is it good though is it worth seeing i hear that it's uh 20 minutes worth is good and then after that you switch off no it's good it gets boring tim robbins is boring but he's obsessed like on the making of stuff he's obsessed by that scene in the yeah it's not a good scene house he's like wow this is the most amazing scene and all the executives are sort of saying steven's done something very brave in the film he stops the action completely and relocates to this basement house for a very tense 20 minute scene with tim robbins tim bobbins
And it's an incredibly brave thing to do, and the subtext is clearly like, go and buy some sweets.
He's lost his mind, and he's put this unbelievably boring scene in the middle of an otherwise interesting film.
Yeah.
No, it's good.
The amazing thing is how long some of the shots are.
Yeah.
There's amazing shots.
Other directors were doing 15 shots, but he does it all in one.
Right.
That's clever, innit?
That's very clever.
That's clever, doing it all in one.
Dave Walliams could do that.
Dave Walliams and Matt Lucas could do that.
They could probably do that.
Yes.
Right, we're going to have a competition very shortly.
They're very clever.
Because they're geniuses.
Yes.
Because they're geniuses.
Um, and- We're gonna do celebrity regression in a second.
Yeah.
But let's have some more music in case people may be, uh, going cold turkey.
It's kind of a weird celebrity regression, uh, that we've got.
Very- I'd say pretty easy.
So if you want to win some stuff- What are we getting- giving away for this?
Lost DVDs.
Oh, lost DVDs.
Come on, that's a good prize.
So stand by your phones
08712221049 is the number to call, just if you want to say hi.
But that's the number for the competition, which is coming up after this extremely short song.
This is by Robert Pollard, who used to be in Guided by Voices.
Joe Cornish, they're kind of indie legends.
They split up, but Robert Pollard has a solo album out very shortly, and this is, I think, the single from it.
see yeah robert pollard with that song what adam chose i'm a strong lion one minute you see all singles should be exactly one minute long and the album is called from a compound eye and i uh recommend you go out and invest in it if you can't if you like that kind of thing right it's competition time uh i should play uh competition time jingle competition time
You could win a DVD or tickets to a show You just never know So sharpen up your brain and get ready to play Yes, it's celebrity regression time when we're going to put Adam into a deep subconscious sleep and he's going to inhabit the mind of a famous Hollywood film star or star at.
All you have to do is call 0871 222 1049
what star he's being and what films he's witnessing happening around him and you could win the lost season one box set on DVD.
Are you ready Adam?
Yeah, I should remind people as well that not to be fooled by the accent because the accent sometimes can be misleading.
It's not necessarily the right one is it?
No, sometimes it's the wrong one.
And it's going to be fairly short and sweet this week as far as the regressions go, and I think it's pretty easy.
So if you want to win those lost box sets, 0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Are you ready?
Yes, ring the UH regression bell.
OK, we have to relax ourselves deeply to get into a state of celebrity regression.
And ask Adam to close his eyes.
If you want to play along out there, you can too.
Close your eyes.
Cross your legs.
Tweak anything that's uncomfortably nestling between your legs.
And relax.
And go all the way back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back.
And Adam, you are now in the mind of a celebrity.
And in one of his or her films, wake up and tell us what you can see.
I'm a scientist.
I'm in a big house.
I'm experimenting in the house with fear.
Imagine the fear.
Dark rooms, places.
And in the scary birds, for example, etc.
I'm a scientist experimenting with fear.
Excuse me, the experiment seems to be concerned with the study of rubbish!
It's the rubbish!
The study of rubbish!
In there, in this house, and I'm in a scientist!
Wow, people are calling already!
It's rubbish!
Xanthies had to go and answer the phone, people are calling!
OK, let's take your... Are you finished?
Yes.
Yeah.
OK, so now we're going to take Adam even further back into another film by the same star or starlet, remember?
0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine, if you can guess the films.
And the star.
Wake up, tell us what you can see.
I'm in a forest of some kind.
There's a cabin, a small cabin.
There's a girl inside the cabin.
She's very frightened and gibbering, jabbering.
And she's talking rubbish!
She's talking rubbish!
And I'm going to be very patient with her.
I've got a long tether.
And I'm at the beginning of my tether, and it's all fine.
We're going to get to the bottom of this rubbish.
She's talking rubbish!
It's rubbish!
Oh, geez!
I'm tortured by rubbish!
It's rubbish!
Oh, this is... I don't think this is easy.
This is difficult.
Just... 0-8-7-1-triple-2-1-0-4-9.
We're gonna regress Adam into the final film.
Adam, wake up.
Tell us what you can see.
Oh, it's hot and dusty, um... Hot and dusty here.
I'm sat outside some kind of adobe hut of some core... some...
Sort and I'm talking to a small blonde haired muppet boy Trying to explain to him the more important facts about life But it's coming out rubbish.
It's rubbish.
I'm talking rubbish to the boy Oh God To the blonde muppet and talking rubbish Wow, is that it?
Yes, this is a dangerous regression.
I don't know what's going on inside Adam's head We're gonna keep him regressed for God's sake call.
Oh eight seven one triple two one and four and I name all three films And the star and you could win the lost DVD box set call now
Here, Add, in your regressed state.
Who was that?
The subways.
With no goodbyes.
Thanks.
Wow.
God, you're good.
OK, we're in the middle of celebrity regression.
Could we ring the New Age bell?
Thank you.
We've got two callers on the line who reckon they know what film and what film star Adam's.
Adam was regressed in two.
My bell just fell off.
I'm sorry.
There we go.
So shall we speak to Joe on line one?
Hello, Joe.
Hi.
How are you doing?
Not bad, thanks.
So tell us what, first of all, who you think the star is.
Well, I think it's Jude Law.
And tell us about the first film that you think Adam was in.
I think the first one's Gattaca, just because it was a scientist.
Scientist in a big house.
Talking rubbish?
Experimenting with fear.
Possibly.
What about the second one?
Coal Mountain, where he finds Natalie Portman in a cabin.
Very frightened.
What was that, the blonde moppet one?
No, what was the middle one?
Gibbering, jabbering.
Forest with a cabin.
Oh, in the forest with a cabin.
Frightened girl.
Natalie portable man.
And then what about the third film?
Their last one I thought was A.I.
Talking to a small blonde-haired boy.
Yes, a muppet.
Man, that's quite good, isn't it?
It's good.
Can't argue with the logic.
OK, well, let's see what Adam's response is.
He's been very vocal for a man who's deeply regressed.
What's that mean?
What's your reaction to that?
Adam, is it Jude Law?
No, I'm sorry, Joe.
He's remained asleep.
But do you know what?
Your logic, your wrong logic, your illogic, was so thorough we might give you a lost box set anyway.
Excellent, that'd be lovely.
OK, we'll do that.
Thanks a lot for calling.
Thanks.
And have a great Saturday.
Night.
OK, bye.
Bye.
OK, Matthew.
Hello, Matthew.
Morning.
How are you doing?
Morning, Matthew.
Morning to you, Matthew.
What have you been up to?
Erm, plenty of sleeping.
Have you?
Did you have a late night last night?
Not really, just like an early night, but a very late morning.
How many hours did you have in bed?
More than 12.
Oh, man, your eyes must be all crusty and gooey.
I've got over that face now.
Fused shut with big... ...welds of stuff.
Hello?
Anybody there?
Hello.
Okay, Matthew, who... Now, well, first of all, can you name the films?
Before you name the star, can you name the films?
The Haunted.
Do you mean The Haunting?
The Haunting, even.
The Haunting?
The Haunting, um... The Haunting.
No.
Does The Haunted exist?
Might do, I don't know.
The Haunted.
And was that, what about any... Just making that sound.
What about any of the other films?
Um, Nel?
Oh, Nell's a good film.
That's certainly got a lot of people talking rubbish in it, hasn't it?
How many times have you seen Nell, Matthew?
Um, I've got to say, I've probably seen it once, but I think it was, again, on a flight, and I just kind of flipped over it.
Can you do an impression of Jodie Foster in it?
Now you're asking.
No.
Man, that's another competition, like funny little gibberish women.
Anyway, so what, third film?
Um, first film, um, after Passover, I didn't quite get it.
Sat outside.
I was jumping out there going, no, no, no, no, no.
OK.
The doobie hut, talking to a small blonde boy, talking rubbish.
OK, well, listen, I think what you should do, Matthew, is say the name of the actor who you think it is.
If you're right, Adam will wake up.
If you're wrong, he'll stay regressed and you may have damaged him for life.
Say the name now, please, Matthew.
Liam Neeson.
Oh, he got it right.
Fantastic.
Brilliant.
Amazing.
I'm quite relieved to be out of that.
Did he get the films right?
Yeah, he got all the films right.
That first one was the scientist in a big house experimenting with fear.
That's the haunting with... The haunted.
The haunted.
Haunting.
The haunt-haught.
The haunt-ers.
Yeah, very bad, very bad.
The haunt-ees.
The haunt-oo.
The haunt-ools.
He's talking rubbish, rubbish.
And Nell, of course, yeah, so talking rubbish, classic.
And Phantom Menace, right?
Phantom Menace, yeah, when he's explaining the midichlorians to the little muppet outside the hut.
You know what, I like Liam Neeson, but I don't know what you think about this, Matthew, but I think he's one of the most boring people in film.
He's one of the dullest people in modern cinema.
He single-handedly brings down Batman Begins with his endless lectures about being true to your inner something and all that rubbish.
Women love him, though.
Yeah, exactly.
Women just go for him.
They think... Because he kind of exudes, like, a sexy manly vulnerability.
Does exactly loves him.
She loves it.
He'd bore you to sleep, though, before he got... God, he's boring.
Any kind of... you know... Yeah.
Sorry, Matthew?
You have to give us some good films to watch.
We have to give you some good films to watch.
No, give Lila.
Lila?
I'm getting very confused.
That's true.
Weiner off the- Absolutely correct.
Weiner off the- You said Weiner off the- Then he said- Matthew said Weiner.
Listen, this brings me on to- I saw Narnia this week.
Do you?
Yeah.
I saw Narnia the other day, but I'm not allowed to review it.
There's a review embargo.
Oh, for God's sake.
So I brought in my recorder.
I thought I'd review it musically.
Yeah, good one.
A bit later in the show.
But Matthew, well done.
That's- you didn't get- yeah, that's right, isn't it?
Is that all around correct?
Yeah, that's all right.
You know, he didn't get The Phantom Menace, but he did very well.
And that was quite a cryptic one this week as well, but-
So you win the lost box set, let's hope it doesn't get lost in the post.
Brilliant.
There you go.
That's the Foo Fighters with Resolve.
This is Adam Buxton.
I'm Joe Cornish.
Have you found everything you're looking for today?
Er, yeah, no, I'd like an Xbox 360, please.
OK, well, erm, we'll direct you to the Xbox shop.
Do you ever say yes or do you ever ask them questions?
You know what I'm talking about, like, is it HMV or Virgin where they say that?
Do they say that over here?
They say it in America a lot, but do they say that over here?
Yeah, they started saying it over here.
Really?
Have you found everything you're looking for today?
Is it like when you're having a meal and the waiter comes up mid-meal and goes, is everything OK?
Yeah, well it's just, it's another, with a waiter, it's more of a practical thing, isn't it?
Yeah, but they're never there when you need them.
Right.
They only come over and ask how you are when you don't need anything.
That's a bad way to them.
Well, when you actually need some food, they're over the other side, not looking at you.
Right.
You're going to the wrong restaurants.
Maybe I am.
But, um, when you're at the counter paying for your CDs and your DVDs.
DVDs?
Everyone loves DVDs.
DVD crazy then it's you just don't know I just don't want them to ask that question do you find everything you're looking for today yes just just shut up happiness and take my money what I'm looking for happiness oh it's in the DVD section oh is it and that's along so long so that make me happy quick play record quit while we're ahead okay
Well, I tell you what, it's the end of the first hour.
We're gonna play some ads and we'll be back very shortly with some more great music, competitions, chuckles, and general mayhem here on XFN.
This is XFM.
Well, something's happened in here.
That was Block Party two more years.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
A local food store has sent us two bags of delicious food.
In the full knowledge that we will mention their company, right?
And they've even stuck a picture of us on the front of the bag.
It's a brilliant devious plan, because we've got to talk about it.
It wasn't expected.
Just two massive bags of delicious food.
Of chicken-based, uh... From a local chicken-based fast food emporium.
Who are probably listening and waiting for us to say their name, the company name.
Uh, well... What do you think, Adam?
It's, um... Shall we finish the food and then work out whether we should say the name?
Yeah.
Depending on the quality.
Are you gonna eat it?
I've eaten a chip.
Have you?
Mmm.
How was the chip?
It was...
uh it was quite good well it was tasty what about the chicken the chicken i haven't had any of the chicken yet people are gonna think it's kfc it's not kfc it's not kfc and it's not it's not jimmy chickens
It's not Jimmy Chicken.
It's not, it's not Chikal, er, it's, what?
Chicky Party.
Chicky Party?
Wow.
It's none of those popular outlets.
No.
Anyway.
That's really thrown me now.
Yeah.
Well, don't worry.
Here, let, what's out, what's inside?
Maybe we should play another record and have a look at the food more closely.
And then we'll do our review of the Chronicles of Narnia, eh?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're going to review the Chronicles of Narnia in a non-verbal fashion.
Yeah, I'm not allowed to review it because it's embargoed till December the 4th.
Yeah.
But I have seen the Chronicles of Narnia and I'm going to review it in an unorthodox manner.
Excellent.
And then are we going to have any more kind of competition action?
We've got more stuff to give away, don't we?
We've got too much stuff to give away.
What about a text competition?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Did you have an idea for that?
My, it was a bit of a wonky idea.
Basically, I thought of a new word this week.
Oh, well done.
Yeah, thanks.
My new word is, um, pre-union.
What does that mean?
Okay, so basically I was watching, uh, Sopranos the other day and several of the actors on The Sopranos in an early episode of The Sopranos, uh, later are reunited in 24.
So, you know, they pop up a lot of those American actors who do HBO shows and things like that, that often do the rounds out there in the States, having fun with those chips.
Good, good, good.
Anyway, so it struck me that basically The Sopranos was a 24 pre-union.
Do you get what I'm talking about?
I've got a word like that as well.
Yeah, what's your word?
My word I invented is an exaggeratio.
When someone exaggerates something, especially numerically, you work out their exaggeration.
So if I say, oh, I'm just going to the shops, I'm back in five minutes.
If it then takes me 20 minutes, I have an exaggeration of four to one.
And you can then apply that exaggeration to any statement that person then makes.
And I've found it incredibly useful, because people are consistent in their exaggerations.
And now I know, you know, how long my girlfriend takes to do the shopping.
What's your feet?
Or clean my feet.
Or clean your feet.
Hmm.
And what's your personal- Nothing.
No.
One to one.
Never exaggerate?
No.
Wow.
I'm- I'm straight and true and pure.
Anyway, so I was thinking maybe people could text us in with their new words.
If you've invented a word, text us.
Uh, on 83XFM.
And you could win tickets to see-
XM's December live session with Carling to see the bravery supported by boy kill boy.
Boy kill boy.
Why do you want to go see boy kill boy?
Boy kill boy.
There you go.
Well, that's a great prize.
If you want to win tickets to the bravery, text us in your invented words.
Remember, if they're rude, we can't read them out.
We can't read them out.
Because being rude is naughty.
Now, I went to a gig earlier this week.
I saw Geoff Tweedy playing at the Shepherd's Bush
It was very enjoyable.
He's the lead singer of Wilco, of course.
And I met some Adam and Joe listeners there.
And so I'm going to play this track from Wilco's last album, A Ghost Is Born.
For them, this is called Theologians.
Oh, no, that's not called Theologians.
What were their names, the listeners?
I didn't ask.
I didn't want to get too close to them in that way, because I was unchaining my bike and I thought maybe they were going to mug me or something.
But it turned out they were nice.
But by that time, I had no time to ask their names.
Oh, that's a good story, though, isn't it?
Yeah.
OK, this is for them.
There you go.
That's Theologians by Wilco from their last album A Ghost Is Born.
We're getting some good invented words coming in.
Have you got some over there, Joe?
Yeah, we have.
Adam, thank you very much.
I feel like the lady in Matthew Wright's chat show on Channel 5.
Right.
One of the funny presenters in broken news.
Yes.
OK, so, er, we have to re-mantle to put something back together after dismantling it.
That's probably a real word, isn't it?
Re-mantle?
It probably is in America, Joe, but certainly not in the United Kingdom.
Thank you, Chris.
Er... Ooh.
I'm reading these out live.
I haven't prepared these, so you've got to fill some spaces, Adam.
Oh, a frenemy.
A friend who you don't really get on with any more, but you still see.
Right, and you still end up being nice to them.
Yeah, a frenemy.
That's from Sex and the City.
Is it?
You can't have sex and the city words.
You've got to think of them yourself.
Who is that from?
Chris in Teddington.
You've been badly rumbled.
Frenemies from Sex and the City?
That's no good at all.
What was the other one that we got?
Someone saying fiddle-tastic.
to cover anything to do with gadgets you know you can't just add tastic to things yeah how about this this is another not quite so good one um from shushma sharma wrist sexy which is a term i created for people with sexy wrists well you can't just put the two words together that's like saying i've invented a word fast car for a car that is very fast
Come on, Sharma.
Try harder.
Sorry, Shushma.
Good game.
It's describing a game that is enjoyable or in some way good.
Good game.
I'm just skimming through some very rude ones.
What about those early ones?
What about Bloken to describe something that has been
that a man has attempted to mend, but he's made worse.
You say it's bloken.
This is one of my favourites.
It's coming from Isabelle, who says, My boyfriend's favourite method of tidying is putting his dirty clothes in the floor-drobe.
Just chucking them on the floor.
That's good.
I've put my clothes in the floor-drobe.
That's brilliant.
Can we say Ignoranus?
Someone who's stupid and an anus.
And Ignoranus.
Floor-drobe is really useful though.
Ignoranus is just a bit of a term of abuse.
Yes.
I like bloke and very much.
Yes.
And Remantle.
Those are my top three.
I think the floor drop has to go in there as well, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Shall we give it one more after one more song and then give some prizes out?
Yeah.
Keep texting them in though.
83XFM if you can beat any of those.
Here's Maximo Park with Apply Some Pressure.
Wow, we've got some great words coming in.
Go on.
Some more?
Hideying.
It's like tidying when you just hide everything.
That's very good.
Very, very good.
That's from Greg in Cricklewood.
OK, talk now, Adam, because that's the only really good one.
Well, I think we've got enough there, man.
We've got loads.
Yeah, some fairly bad ones came in after the last lot.
But Remantle.
to mean putting something together after you've dismantled it.
Bloken, to mean when a bloke tries to fix something and makes it worse.
Floor-drobe, to mean putting your clothes on the floor instead of the wardrobe.
And hideying, which we just talked about.
I think they're pretty good.
Can we send them prizes?
Well, you've got three pairs of tickets.
Yeah, some of these are funny, though.
Have you got some good ones, then?
Well, they're just funny.
My word is neutralanced to describe a healthy, balanced meal.
What?
Am I reading that right?
It's like balanced.
Neutralanced.
From Siobhan in Epsom.
Siobhan, you're so mad.
You're insane.
Poor old Siobhan.
I probably got some internal logic that we can't grasp.
Well, yeah, it's a fusion of balanced and nutritious, isn't it?
Some people have just sent words that exist.
They think they've made them up.
Bipods?
Bipods.
Yeah.
From James in Deptford.
Humans defined by MP3 players.
What does that mean?
I'm confused, James.
Anyway, yeah, you're quite right.
We've got the winners there.
Well, we have to narrow it down to three, though.
Oh, do we?
How many have we got?
We've got four ones that I really like.
Remantle, bloken, floor, drobe and hideying.
Remantle, bloken,
floor drobe, and hiding.
We've got to think of something else for the fourth person, haven't we?
We've got a pair of tickets for the doves.
To the pair of tickets for the doves!
Doves, doves, there you go.
The doves, there you go.
Everyone's happy.
Thank you to everybody who texted, that was a very successful competition.
Well done, Adam.
Yeah.
Who was out there?
Chris, Craig, and I don't know, do you have a note of who else the other ones there were?
Who were they?
Oh.
Yeah, I'm asking you.
OK.
You were lying, weren't you?
You lied to me.
This is turning into like a Chris Evans type of link.
Right.
Did you see his show?
OFI Sunday.
Yeah.
No.
That presumably stands for Oh Flip It Sunday.
Yes.
Yeah.
And boy, he's really hasn't changed at all.
For how long has he been away?
Like six years, seven years or something since TFI Friday?
It's the same in every conceivable respect.
But, uh, did you- you didn't see it at all?
I didn't see it, no.
Are you gonna watch it this Sunday?
No, probably not.
Right.
Yeah, there's really no reason to.
I don't think.
It was weird seeing Billy there.
Why hasn't he given him self-respect?
Yeah, man, if he books his ex-wife for his first guest, uh, who's he gonna get for guests in a few weeks' time?
I'm gonna tune in about four or five weeks' time.
That'll be when it gets good.
Danny Baker.
Yeah, Danny Baker.
Sean Ryder.
Only matter of time.
Yeah.
Before the old TFI stall wants to come out.
That's right.
Maybe we're just bitter because we were never invited on TFI.
OK, coming up in a second, we're going to review the Chronicles of Narnia, even though it's actually illegal to review it.
Wow.
It's embargoed, no one's allowed to talk about it until December the 4th.
We're going to break that embargo in a way that hopefully will, you know, keep us out of prison.
OK, first some adverts, we'll be back shortly.
Love music.
Love XFM.
Morillas with Dirty Harry.
That's good.
I like it more every time I hear that one.
This is Adam and Joel on XFM, by the way.
London's XFM, one of 4.9.
Oh yeah, so listen.
Joe Cornish is going to review for us the new film Narnia.
The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is its full title, Adam.
Not nearly Narnia.
Forgive me.
I'm remiss.
Of course there's a review embargo in place at the moment until December the- Well yeah, this is what they sent me on the email when they sent me the tickets.
They said the reviews are embargoed until December the 4th, so I'm not allowed to review it until next week.
Yeah, you wouldn't want to upset the film PR company- Walden Media and Disney.
Massive powerful conglomerate.
They'll get rid of you.
They won't invite you to any more parties or screenings if you're not once that but But Joe thinks he's found a loophole So I'm going to ask him some questions about the film and he's going to review Narnia The Chronicles of Narnia with his recorder.
That's right a musical review.
Okay, so Joe Cornish Thanks very much for being here today pleasure And did you enjoy the film?
Right.
So can you tell us a little bit about the story?
Yeah, that bit sounds wicked.
And how does it compare to the Lord of the Rings trilogy?
Really?
It's a similar answer to the earlier answer.
Yeah, that's exciting.
What was your favorite scene in the film?
That sounds wicked.
What was the name of the cinematographer on this one?
he's amazing European yeah yeah Wow I love his stuff he's extraordinary so would you recommend that XFM listeners see the film Wow excellent well that's a good recommendation there straight from Joe recorder Cornish and can I just ask you before you go how big is your winky
big okay now um i've got myself confused so yeah that's pretty positive of you yeah i yeah i couldn't say i can't say one way or another yeah no no it sounds good though i'm gonna go and see it on the basis of that one recorder review um now maybe next week um are you gonna bring in your recorder again
Yeah, it re- yeah.
I'm gonna play some music now.
This is the Sir Douglas Quintet.
That's called Sunday's Sunny Mill Valley Groove Date by Doug Sarm and the Sir Douglas Quintet.
Did any of my freestyle recorder-ing get heard at the beginning of that?
Yeah, yeah, there was a little recorder intro.
Because I was deep into it and I looked up and the mics were off.
Well, no, it was on there.
It was definitely on there.
Man, you're trying to repress my recorder talents.
It was good.
It was really good.
I want you to do that more.
And will you review some more films in a similar non-verbal style?
Yeah, we're gonna do- we're gonna try and make that a bit- maybe you could do the same, Adam.
Next week we might review something via, uh, throat clearing.
Mm.
And grunting.
Yeah.
So that's something to look forward to, listen to.
And I was doing these reviews for this show, Last Word, on Moore 4 on Thursday evenings.
If you're a Moore 4 viewer, you may have seen them, uh, as my character, Ken Korda.
And I'm gonna do a musical review of Flight Plan, curiously enough.
Coincidentally.
Steve Laughs Steve Laughs
thought up the theme for Ditches in the Dock and it's not very good.
It's a good theme.
What's wrong with it?
Well, I just couldn't think of a very good song, so I've chosen a song I don't really know what it is.
I've hardly really heard it.
Who recommended it to you?
No one.
I just put it in a search engine and it came up with it.
And it's by a band I thought that XFM listeners might like.
So- You shouldn't admit that, man.
I know that's wrong, isn't it?
But you know, I'm just saying that I- I almost expect to lose this week and I- I won't be upset.
Okay.
But you never know how it could go, you know?
Have you listened to the songs since you- Yeah!
And did you like it?
It's alright!
It's average!
Well listen, I've got another song that I'll- I'll suggest to you that you might be able to use if you want.
Steve Laughs Steve Laughs Steve
That's meteorological insanity.
Yes.
It's supposed to be barmy down there.
Yeah.
Definite proof of global warming.
Yeah, absolutely.
It's happening.
I believe it.
OK.
Don't believe the truth, Joe Cornish.
That's a little... What?
Yeah.
Yeah, think about that for a second.
Jeepers.
Yeah, that's a little link into this next track.
The new Oasis single, I don't know if you've heard of this band, they're very good and they've got a lot of attitude.
They come from the north of England and they mean business.
And the name of this business is called Let There Be Love.
Oasis.
We've got Ditties in the Dock coming up after this.
I don't like this.
I don't like this song, I heard it earlier in the week.
I haven't heard it yet.
Listen, listen to this singing.
Yeah.
It's as if they found some stuff left over in the Beatles' bin and cobbled it together.
I just don't like his voice.
I'm sorry to be controversial.
To Liam or Noel.
Yeah.
Who's singing that?
Is Liam singing that?
They both do a bit of singing in that one, I think.
It sounds sarky.
It sounds like they don't mean anything they're saying and they're just going to punch me.
yeah well some some of their songs it works very well you know that that effect is quite thrilling very thrilling because when his voice is in full chainsaw mode you know and he's sounding like that it's quite good especially if you see them live it's sort of exciting but no not in that context anyway um that's a personal yeah we're just keeping listeners informed yeah exactly with the latest hits right
OK, it's time for Diddy's in the Dark.
Joe and myself are going to battle it out now for who gets to play the final song of our two hours here this Saturday afternoon on XFM.
And this week the theme is the cold and winter.
Where did you come up with that theme?
I think it's a good theme.
There's lots of good songs about the cold and winter.
And Joe Cornish, you suddenly had a flash of inspiration while we were playing.
Yeah, I was saying earlier that I didn't I didn't have much confidence in my song, but I've changed it I was gonna choose winter by the Rolling Stones from goats head soup But I'd never heard it didn't really know what it was so I've jettisoned that yeah, and now I'm gonna choose Can I say what mine is yeah?
A little bit of a burp coming but I'll try anyway.
Ride it.
I'll ride it.
My song is Aztec Camera with Walk Out to Winter.
Now Aztec Camera are a brilliant, what would you describe them as?
A sort of guitar, indie pop band.
Yeah, they were indie back in the days when indie was really indie.
Yeah, in the heyday was the mid 80s wasn't it?
Would you say mid 80s, early 80s, late 80s?
Their commercial heyday was the mid 80s, yeah.
But they've been going for a while, they're sort of slightly parallel with orange juice, aren't they?
Yeah, similar to the thing.
In terms of a sort of funky soul influenced indie guitar band with a terrific sense of humour.
Yeah.
The lead singer's called Roddy Framie, he's very famous in his own right, still plays around the place.
And Walk Out to Winter was one of their best singles really, and it really is a fantastic song.
If you've never heard it, just vote for it, because you'll be improving your life.
And if you do know it, then stand up and be counted and call 0871 222 1049 and vote for Walk Out to Winter by Aztec Camera, and everybody who gets on the air
wins a copy of the Supremes gold compilation.
That's two CDs featuring every hit by the Supremes, including, come see about me, and the Shahla Bandit.
The Shahla Bandit, yes.
Oh, are they?
Oh, someone gets The Commodores, someone gets The Jackson 5, someone gets Marvin Gaye, someone gets Gladys Knight and the Pips.
So anyway, we can take requests.
That's a lot of good stuff there.
So call 08712221049 if you want to vote for Aztec Camera, walk out to winter.
My song is Winter Long by Neil Young.
And I don't know which album this is from, but you can find it on the Decade compilation.
And it's a lovely song.
Erm.
It was covered by the Pixies to great effect I was gonna bring in the Pixies version But then I realized that I think I brought in the Pixies about five times for Dizzy's in the dark So I've got to try and wean myself off that but Neil Young's version obviously the original version is fantastic So if you're a Neil Young fan, oh eight seven one two two two one zero four nine So it's between Neil Young and Aztec camera get calling now here.
Oh, no, we should play some adverts and we'll be back shortly
Love music.
Love XFM.
That's the way strikes with the denial twist.
It's time for the resolution of Ditties in the Dock.
There's two songs in the dock this week.
Aztec Camera with Walk Out to Winter and Neil Young with Winter Long.
Yeah, we've got some callers on the line.
And let's start with Steven.
Steven, are you there?
Hello, Steven.
Hiya.
Thanks for holding.
That's alright, no worries, mate.
You having a nice day?
Yeah, it's alright.
What are you up to?
I'm stuck at work in the dry cleaners, mate.
Working in the dry cleaners?
Yeah.
What do you do in the dry cleaners?
clean, dirty clothes.
Yeah, what kind of question is that?
What do you do in the dry cleaners?
Well, most, a lot of dry cleaners, oh, I guess I was picturing a coin-operated dry cleaner.
Right.
Coin-operated?
Yeah, that's what they have around my way, and there's no staff there.
You're thinking about, like, a laundrette.
Oh, man.
That's a different, dry cleaners where you go and they apply chemicals to your suit.
Stephen, I'm really sorry.
That's all right, that's all right.
Yeah, that was, Joe didn't mean to disrespect you, man.
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
So what are you voting for, Stephen?
Oh, well done.
Do you remember them?
Yeah, well, unfortunately, yeah.
Yeah, and you remember that single?
Oh, definitely, yeah.
Fantastic.
You know, you need something to warm me up on a cold day like this.
Definitely.
It's a very Christmassy song as well, that one.
and it's better than that other greasy git.
So well said, Stephen.
What would you like as your free CD?
Gladys Knight in the Pips, Jackson 5, Commodores, Supremes or Marvin Gaye?
Some gay Marvin, I believe.
Fantastic, good choice.
Thanks a lot for calling, Stephen.
So that's one nil to Aztec Camera.
Greasy git?
That's not a very nice thing to say about nil young.
Someone vote for the greasy git.
Come on, we need some.
Who have we got next?
We need Sean.
Sean.
It's Jason.
J-J-J-Jiho.
Jason, are you there?
Yeah, how we doing, oi?
Jiho-ny.
Now, listen, Jason, you- are you a, uh, greasy git fan?
Um... That's a bit of greasy git.
You are?
You- yeah.
You like a bit of greasy git.
Well, I prefer a respect camera.
Oh, man.
I can't believe it.
It's gonna be a complete crucifixion of Neil Young.
What are you up to this afternoon, Jason?
Oh, just putting a new front door on.
Front door?
How do you put a new front door on?
What is a front door?
It's something used to get in the house.
Why are you putting a new one on?
Did your old one get busted into?
It's a bit shag.
I need a new front door.
Do you?
Hey, are you putting it on yourself?
Are you handy?
I'll do it with my father.
Oh, that's nice, man.
Man, I wish I could do that sort of thing with my father.
I know, so do I. Jason, thanks very much for your call.
Jason's a real man with a real father.
Well, hey, Jason, what do you want?
The pips, Gladys Knight and the pips, Jackson 5, Commodore Supremes.
Uh, Commodores, please.
Good choice.
On its way to you.
Thanks very much indeed for your call, Jason.
Good luck with the door.
And Vicky is on the line right now.
I need a Neil Young vote.
So that was a second vote for Aztec Camera?
Yeah, that's two for Aztec Camera.
I need some Neil Young action, otherwise I'm out of the picture.
Vicky?
Hello there, hi.
How you doing?
Hi, I'm doing fine.
What's going on?
Are you tickling yourself, Vicky?
I'm tickling, yeah, because I just want to say to a guy in the launderette, we used to call it the bag wash.
The bag wash?
Yeah, the bag wash, yeah.
Why the bag wash?
I don't know, it was a bag of washing down the wash and that's what we had to do with the kids.
Yeah, he was in the dry cleaners though.
Listen, you know, I'm getting pretty upset with all this confusion between the laundrette and the dry cleaners.
They're two very, very different services.
The dry cleaning is a skill, isn't it?
Yeah.
A serious skill.
You know, the dangerous chemicals and knowledge, technical knowledge.
You know what the crowning irony of that is that I bought in my stupid Rolling Stone song that would no doubt have lost and then Adam saved me by Suggesting the Aztec camera song and now he's hoisted on his own petard because I've won.
I don't he's lost I don't Yeah, it's a lovely song though, isn't it?
You wish it, yeah, absolutely.
And, er, Vicky, what would you like?
The Gladys Knight and the Pips, Jackson 5, or the Supremes, we're down to.
Er, oh, you haven't got the Commodores, how's that gone?
No, the Commodores just went, Gay has gone.
Oh, okay, he's gone.
Oh, okay, the Supremes, absolutely.
Pips, Jackson 5, Supremes.
The Supremes, yeah.
Fantastic.
Thank you.
Well, that's it, isn't it?
Is that it?
That's it, yeah.
Thanks a lot, Vicky, have a good weekend, thank you very much for calling.
I'm sorry to Michelle, who was holding on there, could we just say hello to Michelle?
Michelle, are you there?
Yep.
Sorry, listen, sorry, because, you know, three votes are best of five.
What were you going to vote for anyway?
Walkover, isn't it?
Were you going to vote for it as well?
Yeah.
Hey!
Definitely.
Well, we'll give you a CD.
I'm sure that the Supremes are gone as well.
Do you want Jackson 5 or Gladys Knight and the Pips?
Jackson 5, please.
Fantastic.
Making Gladys Knight and the Pips the least popular band out of our selection.
Well, I like them as well, but...
As Jimmy Osmond says, they're awesome.
Yeah, I'll tell you what, we'll give you both.
Oh dear, thanks.
The Gladys Knight, the sleeve's broken.
I like Jimmy Osmond, I think he's... I used to live here when, you can probably hear from my accent, I'm a New Zealander, but I actually lived here in the year that he'd had that song, Long Head Lover from Liverpool.
Oh my goodness.
You're ancient!
I am, yeah.
You're like an ancient monument.
I'm joking, obviously, Michelle.
Thank you so much for your call.
I was younger than him, though.
Yeah, good, good.
I'm allowed to like it.
Yeah, no, that's fair enough.
I agree with you.
I think Jimmy's one of the nicer people out there in the jungle, but I'm not going to talk about it any further because I've got to play some music now, and I'm going to play Aztec Camera, walk out to winter to finish off our show this week.
I can see Justin Lee Collins out there.
Oh, Justin Lee Collins.
Wondering around.
The superstar Harry Conflink.
with his golden handshake deal at Channel 4, pumping money into his big hairy pockets for doing anything they ask him to.
Is he listening to this?
Is he reacting?
He's on the Jimmy Carr deal.
Anyway, there he is.
He's happy about that.
He's gonna be in here shortly, but we'll leave you with Aztec Camera.
Thanks very much for listening.
We'll see you next week.
High and dry, you wonder why We met in the summer and walked to the fall The brothers we talked to did the talk Despite what they'll say, it wasn't you We hit the truth We faced the storm on the ground from the wall But nothing was left where they hung
Welcome to Rooftop!
along this way.
This generation, the walk to the wall.
But I'm not angry, can't you hear?
Get out of me when I come to enter.
I wonder why I've got to lose
Swear I'll be there, chill with red You hide with your eyes, you wonder why Walk out to winter Swear I'll be there, you'll find Snow wine, this is life, this is life
XFM and Carling presents...