She'll speak when she's spoken to
Yes, that was Munich by the editors.
We're introducing them at the XFM Winter Wonderland tomorrow night.
Yeah, that's right.
About 7.30, is it?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm getting there for five, though, to see what are they called?
The Funky Monkeys.
The Monkey Junkies.
What are they called?
The Kiddie Band, what won the competition.
Lila, what are they called?
Flaming Monkeys.
The Flaming Monkeys, yeah.
Flaming Monkeys.
That's always, for me, the high spot of the night.
So are they like a hybrid of The Flaming Lips and the Arctic Monkeys?
Yes.
Yeah, kind of.
And is that what their sound is?
What?
They're doing a cover of something, aren't they?
They've got a cover of something.
What is it?
Oh, come on.
We don't know anything.
Hello, this is Adam and Jo.
We're here with you until three this afternoon.
Thanks a lot for joining us.
What are we going to say about the editors?
Sorry to interrupt.
What, tomorrow?
We'll think of something.
It's best to leave it till the last minute.
Did we ask people already for suggestions?
No, but we could do that today.
Yeah, because we'll do anything you want us to.
Yeah.
I reckon we've got about between two and three minutes.
OK, that could be our text to this week.
On the stage.
We've got lots of prizes, we've got War of the Worlds DVDs, we've got tickets for Embrace, tickets for Ocean Colour Scene.
do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do
It's hard to- it's gonna be hard to beat that.
Hard to beat that.
What rhymes with editors?
So if you've got an idea of how we can introduce them, text 83XFM and do our job for us.
Doesn't have to be that same rhyming format.
It could be anything.
Just anything entertaining.
A short scripted drama.
Yeah.
And I tell you what, part of the prize could be to get name checks on the stage.
Yeah.
Yeah, that would be exciting, in front of 50 million people, or however many people are gonna be there.
50 million.
50 million, that was the correct number.
Plus, there's the, uh, it's going out live all over the world.
Exactly, it is going out live all over the world, isn't it, via the internet.
So, there's gonna be 8 billion people.
Yeah.
Or whatever it is within the world.
So many exciting things, we've got Diddy's in the Dot coming up as well, uh, plus we're gonna do a celebrity regression.
Yeah.
Uh, and lots of stuff to talk about.
absolutely deal or no deal I want somebody you preferably Joe Cornish to explain what is going on good so I'm gonna get in with a free play nice and early right now here's a bit of Gary Newman I don't know if I've played this one or not but not for a while anyway this is uncharacteristic Newman guitar bass then it's called Joe the waiter
Gary Newman.
That was a very abrupt ending.
Yes.
From the Newmanoid.
No messin'.
Joe the Waiter, that's called.
So, yeah, last, uh, Saturday- Hang on.
Sorry, man.
Can I just, uh, do a little call back to what we were saying before that record?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Uh, we mustn't call them the editors.
I mustn't call them the editors.
Right.
That's the stupidest thing to do in the world!
Who just wrapped you on the knuckles for that?
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Patrick.
Patrick, is he a listener or is he an ex-FM person?
He's a- no, he's a texter.
He's a texter.
He's a listener and a texter.
Yeah.
But that's the stupidest thing you could possibly do.
Stupidest thing anyone could possibly do, you idiot.
You big square idiot.
I- cos I sh- I saw, uh, Sean Keaveney earlier in the week.
Jammy tits.
At that party.
Don't say jammy tits.
Sorry.
Er, that we both went to.
Right.
He was there and, erm... He's an XFM DJ.
That's right, I was asking him for some advice about, er... DJing.
..with Wonderland and DJing... Yeah.
..and being cool, and he gave me as many tips as he could, but, yeah, he did mention the Don't Call Them The Editors thing.
Let's call... Well, that's what we should do, we should call them The Editors.
Do you reckon, to wind them up?
Yeah, just over and over again.
Cos that's rock and roll in a way, isn't it?
Yeah, why would you not have a the on the name of your band?
It's a very common thing in music, isn't it?
Well, yeah, it's just a different way of going, isn't it?
Yeah, but it's a bit pretentious.
What's wrong with a the?
And what much difference does it make?
I mean, Talking Heads, for instance, are they the Talking Heads or Talking Heads?
You know, opinions vary.
Nobody knows.
Really?
On the albums.
What does it say on the albums?
It's just Talking Heads.
Talking Heads?
Well, there you go.
Do they get angry if you don't put a the in front?
Possibly.
Why?
I think it's stupid.
Because it's a statement of some kind.
Originally, they start out thinking, we're not just like all the other the bands, we're different.
It's not like you're putting an an.
or a them?
What, and talking heads?
And editors.
Them, them editors.
Thine editors.
It's not as if it makes a nonsense of the name of the band.
Well, er, what's the difference between the editors and editors?
Oh, here are the editors.
Here are editors.
What's the grammatical difference?
Well, here are some editors, not- not the specific editors.
Oh, so if it's editors, they are all- they are all the editors that matter.
They just- they just happen- no, they just happen to be editors.
Oh, so they're not the- they're not special editors, they're just editors.
Yeah, they're just- Whereas if they were the editors, then they're kind of putting themselves on a pedestal.
Exactly.
We are the only editors.
In a way, they're being self-effacing.
They're saying, hey, listen, we're not- They're being humble.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm down with that.
That's cool.
Okay.
We've got to the bottom of that.
Yeah, good.
Yeah.
We should play some more music now, I'm exhausted.
Why?
Well, because of the conversation.
Oh.
I'm knackered, but listen, I really want you to explain deal or no deal, okay?
Are you in a position?
Deal.
Yeah?
Deal.
Good one.
Let's play the magic numbers and, uh, and some adverts and we'll be back very shortly for some deal or no deal explanations.
Yep, that's the magic numbers with Love Me Like You.
This is Adam Buxton.
And I'm Joe Cornish.
And we're on XFM this Saturday afternoon.
We'll be back very, very shortly.
Hello, Adam and Joe here on XFM.
That was cash machine, man.
That was by the hard fire, yeah?
So thanks to everybody who's texted in with suggestions of how to introduce the editors at Winter Wonderland tomorrow.
We'll come back to those in a second, but there are some very good ones.
And we were just talking about the fact that they're called editors.
Did I just call them the editors again?
It's impossible not to do.
Of course you've got to call them editors.
And someone suggested that we drop all the- we swap around, all the records we introduce in this show, we'll just call them- we'll drop any of these and add these if they don't have them.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, well I just did it with the hard five.
Okay, and Coldplay becomes the Coldplay.
Oh, but we're not gonna play them again.
Magic numbers are just magic numbers.
the hard fi- now what about Kaiser Chiefs?
Are they the Kaiser Chiefs or Kaiser Chiefs?
They're just Kaiser Chiefs.
Steve Yeah.
Ricky Not the Kaiser Chiefs.
Steve They are for now.
Ricky They are now.
Steve Yeah.
Ricky Anyway.
So, Adam, competition time very shortly, but first I'd like to ask you, Joe Cornish, to explain the whole deal or no deal thing to me a little bit.
I went home last Saturday, uh, after the show and watched it and I was really- I missed the first five minutes.
Is it on on Saturdays?
It must be.
Yeah, Saturday afternoon on Channel 4.
Yeah, well, I mean, most- hopefully most listeners out there will have seen it, cos it's a massive hit.
Is it on every day?
It's on every day, and if it's on Saturdays, then it must be on six days a week.
Wow.
So every day but God's Day.
And it's exciting news for Noel Edmonds, who's been in trouble recently, hasn't he?
He's been sitting in Crinkly Bottom with no work.
he's been in the void.
He's been in the void.
He's a very wealthy man and he owns all sorts of real estate and helicopters and theme pubs, does he?
Some stuff like that, something, I don't know.
But anyway, he's back on telly and Deal or No Deal is a success.
It's been recommissioned for a year.
Really?
So it's not going away.
Wow.
Did he come up with the format?
No, it's, er, international format.
Oh.
It's a big hit in, in, er, Benilux type of countries.
Benelux?
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't quite know what Benelux is, but you know, sort of European countries.
So what's your problem, Adam?
Why don't you- Just don't understand what's happening.
Don't understand anything about it.
20 boxes, 20 different sums of money ranging from 1p to £250,000.
Yeah.
Uh, contestant picks one box at random, no knowledge of what's inside it.
Yeah.
Uh, then has to open boxes, three at a time, while a mysterious banker attempts to buy the contents of her box.
This is- that sounds dirty, doesn't it?
That's a different programme.
Yeah.
But I don't- what?
It's a better pro- I'm thinking about the other programme now.
No, so am I. Please stop thinking about it.
Twenty boxes.
What?
Buy my box.
With mystery things inside them.
Oh, it's for the adult channel.
Hello?
So, I don't understand, though, exactly what the role of the banker is.
So, I'm- okay, say I'm- I'm the contestant, right?
Yes.
I've got those 20 boxes, so I say- So, first of all, I pick the box, right?
20 boxes.
Stop saying boxes in that way.
Well, you've got 20.
Don't be like that.
Um, so if I pick box number three- Yeah.
Maybe I should- should we say packet instead?
Well, that's even worse.
That's not better, is it?
Uh, all right then, parcel.
Yeah.
I pick parcel three.
Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
Oh, I can't explain it.
He's tr- he's tr- ahh, someone out there explain it.
Someone call 0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine.
I'm getting all tongue-tied.
It is quite complicated.
But say you think- your box could have 1p in it.
Yeah.
And it could have quarter of a million in it.
Yeah.
So the only way to find out what it's got in it is to eliminate the remaining 19 boxes.
And every time you eliminate one of the 19 boxes, you are reducing the number of options.
OK?
So if you- if- if say, she opens box- SAC number 10, and it's got quarter of a million in it, then there's no way quarter of a million's in her box.
So the- the- the bankers try to ascertain how much is in the box, and offer her a sum less than that, you know, and pay as little as possible for the box.
Right, so it's kind of a bet between the contestant and the banker as to what's in the box.
Well the point is, the weird thing about Deal or No Deal is you could play it in about five seconds.
Because you just go box, box, box, banker, yeah, no thanks.
Basically no one takes the deal.
If they take the deal, the show's over.
Yeah.
So nobody takes the deal at all.
They always gamble till the end.
So you could literally just go, er, box 19, well, I'm pence, box 20, 250, and it could be over in moments.
Right.
And you say no to the banker every time.
The show's over in two minutes.
Yeah, cos last week I saw Noel, er, his opening gambit when I was watching, was saying, listen, you've got to be careful to the new contestant.
Mm.
Because this show, this show really changes lives.
You know, he was saying, this show changes lives.
That's the deal.
And I was thinking, you know, fine.
So he's talking about people getting rich and going on holiday and stuff.
And he went on to say, last week we had a man who gave up an important job, a great position in his company.
I don't know why he gave it up exactly.
But anyway, he basically gave away everything that was valuable to him and lost it all.
And so his life was slightly ruined.
So Noel was basically saying, you know, we trashed this guy's life last week.
So you've got to be careful with the boxes.
Well that's the thing, Noel is brilliant and he injects a sense of mystery and excitement.
He walks around, he's an ambient presenter, and he doesn't care where he goes, sometimes he stands behind pillars where the cameras can't quite see him.
And the cameras have to rush in and adjust their focus.
The floor's very creaky as well, it's a wooden floor on Neil, uh, Neil or No Neil?
On Deal or No Deal.
so he makes a lot of noise as he walks around.
He's unashamed to show his microphone pack on his little old wizened bum.
He's got a tiny arm.
He's got- he's a tiny man.
Yeah.
And his beard has become part of his face.
I mean, it always was part of his face, but you can't tell the difference between the skin and the hair.
Sure.
It might just be painted on.
It might just be painted- he's like George Lucas.
If you took away the goatee, he'd be unrecognisable.
And his neck's getting very odd.
But I love Noel, cos I used to watch him on Saturday Morning, Swap Shop, whatever it was called.
Absolutely.
Er, yeah, well, Swap Shop, and then, erm, the one with the cars and the Lamborghinis racing around at the beginning.
What was that one?
Remember in the evening, Saturday evening?
That wasn't quite set.
No.
Anyway, that's enough, Noel.
Er, competition time coming up very shortly.
Here's another free play for you right now.
This is Eels.
Yeah.
Yeah, who was that, Adam, before you go into regression?
That's the eels.
Obviously, they're called eels, you see?
What are they really called?
Yeah, eels.
So now they're called the eels.
Yeah, cos we're mixing it all round.
The eels.
Yeah.
The eels.
What?
It's, er, what's it called?
Oh, er, Saturday morning.
Yeah, thanks.
Celebrity regression time.
Oh, I'm confused.
OK.
Er, stand by your phones.
0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9.
We've got copies of the Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg film War of the Worlds about aliens, about confused aliens that don't really know what they're doing.
I'm now about to regress Adam into the mind and films of a famous film star.
All you have to do is tell us what three films he's been regressed into and what film star he's being.
Remember, the voice is not necessarily indicative of the person, because when you are regressed, you know, you tend to become a bit confused, don't you?
Yeah.
OK, so if you'd like to ring the ancient Chinese regression bell, please.
So now, Adam is going to drift back.
Drift back, drift back, breathe deeply, close his eyes, drift back.
Back into childhood.
Back into embryonic form.
Into the form of the spermatozoa.
Into a molecular form.
And now he is going to enter the mind and body of a film star.
And in a second he will wake up and describe what is around him.
Adam, wake up, tell us what you can see.
I'm in the boat.
It's fast.
It's a speedboat.
It's going really fast.
It's exciting.
It doesn't belong to me.
It belongs to my boss, who's the fellow from that film where people keep shagging his wife in front of him and he doesn't like it.
Anyway, he said we could borrow the boat but he said to be careful of it because it's new and we have to be careful with the boat because it's a new speedboat.
But foreign men have started shooting at it and he's on the phone now.
He's not very happy because they can hear the shooting.
And it's got to be done, though, cos we're in an exciting situation, so it's got to be done.
That's why I'm doing it with the bolt.
The shooting and the bolt.
OK.
That's film number one.
08712221049.
If you know what film that is, what star Adam is being... Adam, wake up and tell us what you can see.
I'm in an office now.
I'm in an office.
I'm having a meeting with a lady.
And she's going to do my party for me, which is nice of her.
She's a nice lady.
But she's ever so clumsy.
It's funny how clumsy she is.
And now we're on the street.
And she's got her shoe stuck in a hole.
Oh, no, there's a big wheelie bin racing towards her.
It's just going to get flattened by the wheelie bin.
But she can't run away because she loves her shoe.
But I love her, so I'm going to save her from the wheelie bin.
Oh, God, I hope I have time.
I have to save her shoe from the whole... Just breathe.
Breathe deeply.
And now the third and final film.
Remember, 08712221049.
The moment you know the film.
And the star.
Finally, Adam, wake up to us so we can see.
I'm in Washington in America and it's cold and freezing because I'm outside and I'm with my friend and she's got a pointy nose and she wants to go into space but I don't think she should go because it might be dangerous in space.
So I think the other man should go instead.
But she's ever so angry with me for saying so.
But, um... So to make up for it, I'm giving her a special necklace.
So she won't mind, because I'm a nice man, and that's why ladies like me.
For some reason, I'm going to go now and have some cocoa and a big fat doobie.
Bye!
OK, Adam's going to remain in a regressed state now until someone calls in and correctly guesses the name of the film star, what he was inhabiting, and the films what were happening around him.
0 8 7 1, triple 2, 1 0 4 9.
For God's sake, call now!
That was Kaiser Chiefs, not the Kaiser Chiefs, Kaiser Chiefs with Modern Way.
You join us in the middle of celebrity regression.
Adam's been regressed into the mind and films of a famous film star, and Jocelyn is on the line, cos she reckons she knows who he is.
Hello, Jocelyn.
Hi.
How are you doing?
I'm fine, thank you.
I hear you are having a Mickey D's.
Yeah, we are.
We'll try to go and get it in a minute.
You haven't got it yet?
What are you going to get?
I have no idea.
Whatever takes my fancy.
Who's that little squeaking person?
Oh, no-one.
It's me being in the car.
Did you...?
Oh, we've released a squeak.
OK Jocelyn, listen, Adam's looking very tense, he is regressed, he's dribbling a bit.
So, you think you know what the speedboat film was?
Yep.
What was that then?
Sahara.
Right.
Do you know what the clumsy party lady?
Yep.
What do you think that was?
The wedding planner.
What about the pointy nose space lady?
Contact.
contact so okay wow that's good man lady woman um so what i'd like you to do is say the name of the actress who uh you think it is or actor oh brilliant he woke up which means you were correct it's the sexiest man in the world matthew mcconaughey he was voted that by some stupid american magazine really yeah i know all the things that happen in the world in the news joselyn do you find him attractive
Erm, no.
Could he play your bongos?
No.
He wouldn't let him touch your bongos.
He loves to play bongos.
Bongos.
He's apparently a very nice man.
Says who?
Well, I thought your girlfriend had worked with him.
Oh, yes, she probably has.
Yeah, he's a very nice man.
Yeah.
Well done, Jocelyn.
That's very good.
So you've won.
What have you won?
What would you like to win?
Do you want War of the Worlds?
Yeah.
Have you seen it?
Yeah, I have.
Oh, did you like it?
Yeah, it was all right.
Do you want to watch it again?
Yeah.
You could give it as a Christmas present.
It's all cereal and everything.
Yeah, it doesn't make much sense, does it?
Boy, the world's...
It's kind of a stupid, illogical film, but fun while you're watching it.
Yeah, it's a good Christmas present for someone.
Anyway, Jocelyn, thank you very much indeed.
Are you doing Christmas shopping this afternoon?
Yeah, we are.
And so if you go somewhere busy, then I assume you'll be Jocelyn.
Oh, dear.
Stop it, will you?
What's the hot present this year?
The hot Chrissy Prezzy.
What is it?
Uh, a pass, I don't know.
A pass?
Is it one of those- it's still a robot guy, isn't it?
A dancing robot guy.
I don't know.
We don't know anything anymore.
Like a watch TV?
I saw that in a paper there, though.
Yeah, that must be it.
A TV with a watch in it, J, can you imagine that?
Go get lots of them then, Justin.
Good luck shopping, enjoy your disgusting Mickey D's, and enjoy your illogical film.
Thanks very much for calling, well done.
That was a very thorough and brilliant answer.
It was quite easy, wasn't it?
I didn't get it at all.
Did you not?
Then I wasn't really listening.
I was trying to disguise it as much as possible.
You did- you did very well.
With stupidity.
But, er, she cut right there to- do you fancy McConaughey, Lila?
I think he's quite attractive.
What is it about McConaughey?
Well, I imagine he's a bit simple.
He- I reckon he's very simple.
He's a bit too good looking.
He smokes too much wacky backy.
Yeah, he's a self-confessed- No, definitely, he's not a- he's unashamed.
He's unashamed, yeah.
Alleged- he's allegedly unashamed.
He's self-confessed.
Yeah, so there's not a lot going on out there.
He loves to smoke the doobie.
I tell you what, he's very good in Dazed and Confused.
That's true, yeah.
He's brilliant in that.
I like him in Contact, in fact.
That's one of my favourite films.
Contact is a great film.
Aw, I love it.
Anyway, listen, listeners, don't forget our text competition.
We're asking you how we should introduce editors at the Winter Wonderland tomorrow night.
We've got about two minutes to do it and we've had some very good entries.
There's a brilliant prize, not sure what it is, for the winning one, but keep them coming in on 83XFM.
So we should read some of those out in the next hour.
But first, here's yet another free play.
I'm cramming as many as I can in this week.
And Joe, this is one that you requested.
Oh, yes.
This is from the album that we're gonna give away for Dizzies in the Dock this afternoon.
Do you wanna introduce this one?
Oh, yeah.
I didn't know you were actually gonna play it.
Yeah.
But the Dizzies in the Dock, we're gonna be giving away now the very best of dance.
Because it's xfm and we know everybody loves dance music It's got how many?
64 top tracks one of which is this by Mars pump up the volume.
I haven't heard this for like 20 years.
Is it any good?
I used to love it.
It was amazing when it came out, wasn't it?
Let's find out.
Do you remember we went to Paramount City and we grooved to do it.
We went to a nightclub.
It was amazing.
It just goes on and on like that.
Yeah, we're taking it off, listeners.
I'm sure you'll support us in this, uh, you know, authoritative move.
It's good sort of, uh, music-bed music.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
It was good very, very loud in 1989 or whenever.
Yeah.
It's good for sports highlights and things like that.
That's got pretty much every sample in the world ever.
It's the wrong mix, man.
Originally, it didn't have all those stupid things in it.
Everyone got very excited about samples, didn't they?
Yeah.
At the end of the 80s and early 90s and everything was covered in them.
It's ruined a whole, you know, section of music history.
Please finish it.
Turn it off.
There you go, that's enough.
That's a relief.
Right.
OK, yeah, we're approaching the second hour of our show here on a Saturday afternoon at XFM.
This is Adam and Jo.
We've got our text competition still going, which is to think of an introduction for our editor's slot tomorrow at the Winter Wonderland.
And we're going to give away some tickets to all sorts of exciting things.
There's the antenna
a sort of music video festival that's going on at the NFT on Thursday evening, I think, is it, which I'm going to be hosting.
So that's exciting.
You could win tickets to see that.
And what else have we got to give away?
Lots of good things.
Oh, yeah, we've got all those dance albums as well.
So you could listen to pump up the volume whenever you want.
All that's to come in the second hour here on XFM.
Stick with us.
Love music.
Love XFM.
there you go that's the tuneful sound of the subways with no goodbyes before that you heard gorillas with dirty harry so here's a christmas question uh for you adam and also for our listeners my uh brother's got a very lovely italian girlfriend and it was his birthday the other day she came over and we were talking about christmas in italy because he's he's going over there for christmas that's very um stereotypical yes like racist
Um, anyway, uh, she said, um, she said that they don't have Christmas crackers in Italy.
Why?
Uh, I don't know, but it struck me, do they have Christmas crackers anywhere else in the world?
They only got them in America.
Or are Christmas, anywhere else in Europe, shall we say, or are Christmas crackers a British invention?
Because, and I said to my brother's Italian girlfriend,
I said, she's called Valeria, I said, do they have, you know, do you think Christmas crackers are a British invention?
She said yes, because no one else in the world would put those stupid hats on.
And you know, I think that's a fair observation.
You can't see really, really other European nations have more respect, don't they, for their heads and themselves.
But it's a particularly sort of British, Monty Python-y thing for the whole family to sit round in silly hats.
It's fun!
I love it, it's fun as well, but is that true?
I remember talking to you about this last year, though, and you don't put the hat on, though, right?
I do put the hat on.
Not only do I put the hat on, but I pull it down over my eyes and make little eye holes.
Joe Cornish, get out of the kitchen.
I'm the life and soul of the party.
But does anybody know, does anybody have Christmas abroad and America notwithstanding?
I don't even know if the crackers in America is a true thing.
If the crackers... If the crackers in America, I don't know if they got them.
I don't know.
You don't know.
Are they British inv... Who invented crackers?
Colonel Crackers?
Jimmy Crackers.
Erm, what?
I don't- they must be.
Let's throw that out to the listeners.
They must be universal.
Crackers.
Have you ever had Christmas in a foreign country and if so, do they have crackers?
Crackers are Christmas.
What do you talk about if not, you know, the low quality of the gifts and stuff like that?
Yeah, it's true.
Trying to guess the jokes and stuff.
I love crackers.
You are crackers.
Hey!
Erm, does anyone in your family refuse to wear the hat?
Uh, no.
My dad needs to be bullied into wearing the hat.
Yeah, you put that hat on him.
Superglue the hat to his head.
Yeah.
Tape it on.
And, um, my son Frank isn't very happy about the whole hat.
Well, he's young, isn't he?
I do, yeah.
He just tries to eat everything, does he?
Uh, yeah.
Or he's older than that.
He doesn't like dressing up.
He thinks it's a bit silly.
He'll get over that.
Yeah.
But anyway, that's an interesting question.
Let's, um, let's, uh, take some calls or, uh, text us or email us or whatever.
The email address is adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk, or you can call us on 08712221049, and I think we should resolve our text competition such as it is.
Yeah.
Talking of texts, someone's just texting in, surf, surf, surf.
Cos we did a surf ad years ago and now it's coming home to roost.
And, er, you can stop the person texting that.
Your point's been well made and, er, we're richer than you anyway, cos we did the surf ad.
Yeah, what is their point?
I'm very proud.
That's my best work.
Yeah, exactly.
Er, me, Keith, what's his name?
Harris?
But then they say it's a square deal, which is the old surf campaign.
So maybe they're trying to get us back.
Yeah, maybe it's someone from Surf trying to get us to do some new commercials.
Yeah, we got dumped from that one.
Anyway, let's play some music and then come back and resolve our text competition.
And I say resolve advisedly, Joe Cornish, because this next track is by the Foo Fighters and it's called Resolve.
Yeah, of course, we just realised they can't have crackers in America, because crackers are a rude word in America.
It's a derogatory term for a white person.
Anti-white racial epithet.
Yeah, it's what you might shout at Eminem if you wanted him to attack you.
Yeah, cracker!
Yeah.
Plus they're probably frightened of the loud noises, you know, probably make people duck for cover.
Right, what with the common occurrence of firearms offences there.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, any kind of bang has got to be a gun.
in America, not in England.
They'd probably sue, you know, Joe Cornish- They're very litigious, yes.
They're litigious in the American states, and if there was a bang and someone got a tiny bit scared by the bang of the cracker, they might sue!
George Bush is- is- is Tony Blair's poodle.
He's his lapdog!
It's the other way around, actually, I think I'm not sure I've forgotten.
Uh, so apparently, yeah, thanks for your texts about- about crackers.
Uh, we wear the dumb hats in Australia, says Gareth,
So there you go.
But that's because there's loads of British people in Australia, right?
Yeah.
Uh, Lorenzo says, I have relatives in America, and they say they don't have crackers.
Hence the whole cracker, you know, as a rude word thing.
Right.
We have crackers in South Africa, along with the silly hats.
Again, South Africa, full of British people.
South Africa crackers.
Uh, so, and you know, in fact, according to, uh, the online, you know, encyclopedia that any old sod could look up, they were invented in Britain by a man called Henry Crackers.
you know, by, um, Tom Smith, in 1847.
And I won't go into the story but apparently, apparently they were called crackers.
Go on.
No, this is terrible.
Stop it.
This is the sort of thing other DJs would talk about.
Steve Well, how did it happen?
What inspired the crackers?
Ricky Laughs Steve No, I won't, I promise.
What inspired the crackers?
Steve Well, he didn't know what to name them.
Ricky Laughs Steve So, so then he- oh, it's so rubbish.
He heard the fire crackers.
And so he named the crackers out.
I wish I could swear on this programme.
I really want to.
That was terrible.
Let's put this editor's thing to bed.
We're introducing editors, not the editors, no, editors at the XFM Winter Wonderland tomorrow evening and we've been asking you for suggestions of how to introduce them.
Here's our top six.
what?
No, let's make that a top five.
Erm, no, let's make it a top four.
OK, top four.
Don't scream like the predator, make way for the editor.
That's Matt, we wouldn't say that.
Erm, at number three,
No, no, no, I'm sorry, but Lila, she's left the room.
Has she got the wrong ones?
Lila, you've made a right mess of this.
There's much better ones than that.
It's just a big list there.
Get out.
Yeah, but your job is to go through the list and choose the good ones, not all the bad ones.
We'll come back to this.
No, no, no, get out.
Get out.
You're fired, Lila.
Clean your desk.
Get out.
You're fired.
Alright, we're gonna- we're gonna- We'll see about that.
We'll play a David Bowie song then, and if you haven't sorted it out by that time, Lila, then you- Do you know how to do it, because Lila's gone.
Um, yes I do, yes.
There's a big button in front that says, press for David Bowie.
Do- go on then.
Here we go.
Oh, that's fantastic.
David Bowie with TVC15.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We'll be back after these messages.
Thanks a fan.
Yeah.
You know what, Adam?
What?
We've had an avalanche of responses about crackers.
Crackers?
Can I just say who that was?
That was Jose Gonzalez with Heartbeats.
Adam and John, XFM here.
Avalanche of response about crackers, Joe Cornish.
Yeah, a couple of interesting things.
Apparently, you know, they're not that common anywhere else in the world, but a lot of people just, when they go and have Christmas abroad, they take them or they export them.
But apparently, if you take- if you try and take crackers on a plane- Mm-hm.
in this post-9-11 world.
A very, very different world.
Absolutely different.
The world changed forever.
Forever.
One of the things that's changed is they make you take the cracky strings out of crackers.
The cracky strings?
You know what I mean by cracky strings.
That's the way, yeah, that's the official title.
They make you open your crackers and take out the bany strips.
The cracky string?
The banging strips.
Wow.
That's a bit pathetic, isn't it?
What are you going to do with a cracker banger?
The snappy rope.
How are you going to take over a plane with that?
I've got it gone.
If you don't believe me, listen.
Snap.
No, you could if you went right up to the pilot's face with it.
Did it in his face?
Yeah, then... Yeah, but you could also hit him.
No, but... Or slap him.
He'd be more scared of the cracker strip.
I think that's stupid.
I suppose you could light something, couldn't you?
I don't know, Matt, this is probably on dangerous ground.
I imagine, yeah, I imagine the cops- Oh, this, yeah, we're gonna be arrested for plotting.
I'll hurt us.
So we've been asking you to suggest ways we can introduce editors at the XFM Winter Wonderland tomorrow.
Here is our top four.
Lila has gone and recompiled it.
She's looking a bit angry.
Number five, this is from Richard and Sheen.
Quote, and now, here to deliver bullets of sound into your brains like musical stormtroopers from Munich.
Here's the editors.
That's just a sort of words.
Thanks Richard.
At number four.
Might be quite useful though if we, yeah.
Fans of Joy Division, pay attention.
Next on stage we'd like to mention, there is no thee like all the greats, just editors please.
Make no mistake.
Make no mistake is a three words people use in rhymes when they don't really, can't think of anything to rhyme, because it certainly doesn't rhyme with great.
like all the greats, make no mistake."
That sort of vaguely does, doesn't it?
Anyway, uh, don't know who that's from.
Uh, number three, are you enjoying this, Adam?
I'm reading them in quite a miserable tone of voice.
All right, seriously, don't be offended if I nod off, but I want you to carry on.
Please carry on.
You read them, go on, there you go, I'm gonna hand them to you.
I wasn't putting you down about them.
Read the top three.
OK, no, here we go.
I'm gonna make this sound fun.
Um, there- I thought this was a music station.
There are four bees, knobbly knees, and we- weird people who don't like cheese.
All great bands do as they plea- Anyway, read the number one- I'm really sorry.
Read the number one one out.
OK.
Um, is that the number one with the circle round it?
This is all Lila's fault.
This is so fine.
We can never have chosen these ones.
Hey, hey, hey, there were some good ones in there, Lila.
Here's a competition for you.
Would you like to produce the Adam and Jo radio show on XFM?
Read the number one one.
Okay, the number one text as chosen by our ex-producer Lila.
They've got no natural predators.
We've had that one.
Ricky snorts Ricky snorts Ricky snorts Ricky snorts Ricky snorts Ricky snorts Ricky snorts Ricky snorts Ricky snorts Ricky snorts Ricky snorts Ricky snorts Ricky snorts
to send your abusive text.
Ricky chuckles It's gonna be nice to have Saturdays free, isn't it, from now on?
Yeah, for you.
Excellent.
Sorry.
OK, I'm not gonna be like Chris Evans anymore and berate our hard-working people who work much harder than myself and Joe on this show, after all.
Now, what are we gonna give Paul as a prize?
War of the Worlds.
War of the Worlds, you just said that.
OK, fine.
Well, it's gonna be time to launch Ditties in the Dock very shortly.
How are we gonna give away our antenna tickets, then?
We're gonna give them to Ditties and the Doc.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, you can get the CDs and antenna tickets.
Fantastic.
Double whammy.
Wow.
So I should just remind you, uh, people that if you would like to win tickets, uh, for this antenna thing, you will be winning, uh, tickets to see.
Antenna is a biannual show that showcases the best and unseen videos, pop videos that is, that aren't getting exposure and should be.
because an awful lot of very talented people of course slave away at the cutting edge of uh filmmaking technology to produce these amazing kind of three minute um pieces of art but they kind of disappear into the ether and they they're very seldom seen except for a few obscure music channels anyway antenna is a fantastic evening at the nft when people get together and watch the very best of the best
and it's happening this Thursday the 15th, and I'm going to be hosting.
It's going to be amazing.
Also, if you're the kind of person that just wants to make pop videos, or you think you've made something that people should see, then you can log on to Antenna's website, www.antenna.com.
antenna promo dot co dot uk and a-n-t-e double n-a promo dot co dot uk and you'll find details there for how to submit your pop video and it might get shown at one of these events.
That would be amazing.
Man listen we're running out of time aren't we because we're going to have to do ditty soon.
I wanted to talk about space cadets.
Well let's talk about space cadets.
Because Alex Zane's away so we can talk with impunity he's probably not listening.
Excellent let's play a song and then bitch about Alex Zane.
Uh what should we play?
Let's play this.
Yeah, that's the Dead Sixties with Ghost-Faced Killer.
They are the Dead Sixties, aren't they?
Yeah.
Yeah, they're proud of having a V in front of their name, unlike editors.
So, I don't know whether anyone out there has been watching Space Cadets Channel 4's brand new reality show where they stick a selection of quite possibly the stupidest people I've ever seen on telly in a place in Ipswich which is masquerading as a Russian space base and they're being trained to go into space.
Er, have you been watching it, Adam Buxton?
I watched one of them, yeah.
Which one did you watch?
I watched it, I think, on Friday.
No, no, on Thursday.
Right, so the second one, where they were... What was happening?
Oh, they were arriving, weren't they?
The first one, they were chosen.
Not very much.
One of the actors, because they got a couple of actors in there to mix it all up a little bit.
That's right.
Charlie Skelton, a guy called Steve, and a girl called, I don't know.
Is that Charlie Skelton?
Yeah, yeah.
what is he the larger one of the two no no no that's steve he he was uh he left yesterday very ill so charlie skelton had been sort of accidentally um asking difficult questions to one of the other actors in front of all the the contestants yeah and making it look uh bad really for for the other actor guy
I think it's a brilliant idea.
It is an amazing idea.
I'm excited about it, but I think something fishy's going on.
I think the- I think it's interesting, it's- it's a production company called Zepitron.
Uh, run by some really, really clever people.
Uh, but they're part of a company called Endemor.
Right.
Who make Big Brother.
and are a massive, obviously brilliant, sort of pan-European, you know, they sell formats for shows.
Didn't they do Millionaire?
Is Endemol Millionaire?
I think so, yeah.
So it's half a brilliant show, Space Cadets, but it's also half like Big Brother.
And I think maybe the people that thought of the show thought of quite a hardcore idea, then I think perhaps somebody has said, OK, well, let's make it like Big Brother, just in case, you know, so it's not so risky.
Cos I thought the first two episodes were really good, but last night's turned into something out of Big Brother.
They've got a dormitory, just people sort of petty bitching that doesn't have anything to do with space.
so I'm worried, Adam, that this format is gonna go down the tubes.
Well, I agree with you.
All the things they were focusing on when I watched it was stuff like one of the guys, his toenail had come off.
Yeah, that's not what you want from a space show.
So I was trying to think how they could make it more interesting, and I'm hoping when they actually go into space, they'll make it more exciting and imaginative, even though, of course, they're not gonna go anti-gravity.
And in fact, they're not even gonna go into space.
They're just gonna go in a very high plane.
Are they even going to go in a high plane?
No, they're not, obviously, but they're not going to leave the ground, but in terms of the prank, they're just going to go slightly into orbit.
Yeah, sort of touch the edge of the atmosphere.
Yeah, so it's just like going in a plane, really.
Yeah.
I don't know, so basically, I don't know what they've got planned for the final, you know, the big payoff in Space Cadets, but if it isn't some sort of UFO and alien encounter, I will be very upset.
Somebody on the ship has to be killed mysteriously.
There has to be some kind of alien on the ship, or some kind of robot that goes insane.
That's not gonna happen, man.
They have to come across some sort of giant floating baby in space, or maybe a monolith.
Maybe one of the doors explodes and Darth Vader is standing there.
walks in, space vampires, maybe a topless woman with large breasts like in Life Force, comes floating into the spaceship.
What was her name, that woman in Life Force?
Matilda May, I think it was.
Yeah, great film, Life Force, if you've never heard of it.
Those are my ideas anyway.
Someone's got to go crazy, haven't they?
Because in space someone always goes crazy, starts losing it.
Right.
Bill Paxton type character.
Man, I think you've got far too many high hopes for this thing.
Well, there's no point in doing it unless they do something really imaginative in the last episode when they've got nothing left to lose.
They've got to push the boat right out, because at the moment it's turning into Big Brother with space stickers.
Yeah, it's not going to happen.
Now listen, we should do Ditties in the Docks, shouldn't we?
Yeah.
I don't know what I'm gonna pick yet.
Well do a record, play a record and we'll sort it out.
All right then, but we're running out of time.
Great, great.
Oh my gosh.
Here's The Fall.
This is a final free play.
It's called Two Lebrons.
There was two Lebrons.
I think it'd be nice if Mark Smith dressed up like Santa Claus and came down my chimney.
Uh, that's a track by The Fall called Two Lebrons, and, uh, it's time for Diddy's In The Dark.
This is the part of the show where you get to vote which record we play out with, and this week it's going to be a kind of crazy Christmas edition, because we're starting to get into the Christmas spirit, and we've got two songs by good bands, Christmas songs by good bands, in an attempt to find a good Christmas song instead of all the rubbish they pump out.
And these are songs that have not been played to death as well, you know, and they're original songs, aren't they?
They're original songs, and they're kind of undiscovered gems, yeah.
So my one's gonna be the White Stripes.
It's a song called Candy Lane- Candy Cane Children, I'm sorry.
It was a B-side of a Christmas promo the White Stripes put out a couple of years ago, and it's- it's Classic Stripes.
Classic Stripes.
Yeah, Classic Stripes.
You'll love it.
If you want to hear the White Stripes with Candy Cane Children, it's 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9, and it is a Christmas song.
It mentions Christmas.
yeah well good otherwise it would be insane of you to bring it up however if you don't want to hear the white stripes then why not go for a bit of weezer a delicious slice of weezer yummy with christmas celebration that's the name of the track and again this is a kind of obscure track i don't think it's on any of their albums as such it's probably floating around on the internet out there i may be wrong uh if a weezer fan would like to correct me i'd be happy for them to do that
But if you'd like to hear Weezer with Christmas Celebration, give us a call.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Just say Weezer or White Stripes.
We'll take the best of the first five callers.
And everyone who calls wins tickets to the antenna showcase of brand new pop videos at the NFT on Thursday and also maybe something else if, oh yeah, we can wear these CDs as well.
Oh yeah, and then now the very best of dance featuring the track that we had to take off earlier because it was bad.
OK, let's play some strokes and give you a chance to get on the phones now.
Here you go, that's Juice Boxx by The Strokes.
This is Edmond John X, fam.
It's time to resolve ditties in the dark.
Yes, this week it is obscure Christmas songs by good bands, part of our search for a genuinely good Christmas song.
We've got Weezer with Christmas Celebration versus Candy Cane Children by the White Stripes, both uncommercially released promo records that are really very good.
We've got Five Callers on the Line, Everybody Wins Tickets to Antenna at the NFT on Thursday, plus Now That's What I Call Dance.
I made the mistake of saying that Antenna is a bi-annual show.
It's actually bi-monthly.
Every two months.
Sorry about that.
I'm just clearing it up.
Shocking.
Hello, Dean.
Dean's on Line 1.
Hey, Dean.
Hi, mate.
What are you voting for, Dean?
Show your song.
My song?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Which was The White Stripes, right?
Candy Can Children?
Yes, that's the one.
Good call.
You said earlier about the best of the best film.
The what?
Best of the best film earlier you mentioned.
And then you said it's tickets.
Oh, the best of the best film?
Yeah, you said earlier... What, you can speak, Lila, speak.
He means Antenna.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
What, you want to go to Antenna on Thursday?
I thought it was the film best of the best, the karate film.
Oh, is that a karate film?
No.
No, I've never heard of that.
Is that a good film?
It's not bad.
Best of the best and it's not bad.
Joe's writing that down.
I'll just avoid it.
No, that was a bit of confusion because we used the phrase best of the best to refer to the pop videos that will be shown at the antenna festival.
We'll give you War of the Worlds if you want.
I've already bought it.
Oh, you silly fool.
Sorry, Dean.
I can give it as a Christmas present.
Yeah.
Well, all right then.
Well, we'll send you some stuff.
Dean, just for God's sake, calm down.
I tell you what, we'll just send you £20,000.
How much have you had to drink today, Dean?
Huh?
How much have you had to drink this morning?
It's not that.
It's medication, mate.
It is.
OK, Dean, thanks very much.
You voted for the white stripes.
That's one nil to me.
Jeff is on line two.
Hello, Jeff.
Hello.
How are you, Geoff?
I'm not too bad.
You sound much more civilised than Dean.
Dean's insane!
Geoff, what are you going to vote for?
Is it going to be White Stripes or Weezer?
It's got to be Weezer because I just can't fit in Meg White's drum.
I saw Meg White drumming in the flesh the other day.
She was doing a pop show and I went along to the studio.
Was she nude?
She was not nude, no, but I was imagining her nude.
She's adorable and I must say that I can't agree with you about her drumming, Geoff.
I think she's amazing.
But anyway, I don't want to argue out of your choice because you voted for my track, Weezer.
So thank you very much indeed for calling.
OK.
See you.
Thanks, Geoff.
Of course, Geoff gets a little bundle of tickets and booty as well.
Now we've got Chris on line three.
We've got to speed this up.
Hello, Chris.
Hiya.
How you doing?
Pretty good, you?
Very good, thank you.
Our producer said you were Chris Evans.
Yeah, no, not the real one, but the other one.
Oh, your name is actually Chris Evans.
You don't sound anything like Chris Evans.
She thought you were the real Chris Evans.
Lyla, what's wrong with you today?
What is wrong with you, Lyla?
What are you still doing here, Lyla?
Get out!
So Chris, what are you voting for?
I'm voting for the White Strokes, mate.
Oh, good one.
2-0 to Cornish.
Are you disappointed that it's not the real Chris Evans?
I was a bit nervous that it was the real Chris Evans, because we're not very nice about it generally.
Chris, are you a White Stripes fan?
Yeah, well, I've no idea they've done a Christmas song, so I just quite like to hear it, really.
And are you, can I ask you very briefly, where do you stand on the Coca-Cola debacle?
Jack White doing a Coca-Cola track and Noel Gallagher getting very upset about it.
Ooh, I don't know about that.
I mean, it fits in with the colour scheme, but I think it's better a Jack White, really.
yeah it's a tough one isn't it but he's still a man and he rocks anyway that's two for uh thanks very much for your call uh that's two for the white stripes one for weezer come on the weezer one's amazing i need a vote who have you got on the on the line malcolm malcolm hello hello hello got to be quick my credits need to go i'm at weezer weezer weezer and minilux means belgium netherlands luxembourg you were saying earlier
Oh, what a superb call, Malcolm.
Thanks very much, Malcolm.
Well done.
So economical, fitted everything in.
There we go.
Thank you for calling.
Oh, if only every caller was like Malcolm.
If only we were like Malcolm.
I bet he's muscly as well.
I bet he's, yeah, really.
I bet he smells brilliant.
I bet he smells amazing.
OK, this is exciting.
What's the score then?
It's 2-1.
2-1.
This is incredible.
I wish Chris Evans was listening.
Hasn't been this close for ages.
Lisa.
Hello, Lisa.
Hello.
Our one lady caller.
Lady speaking today on behalf of all women as a woman Lisa.
What are you voting for?
Oh I tell you what, we'll play that Weezer track next week or on our Christmas show cuz we're on on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, that's right Let's play it.
Forget about that.
That's a good idea Well done Lisa, are you excited about getting them now that now the very best of dance?
More about the antenna.
Okay, cool.
Good for you.
Are you gonna come along then?
Yeah, I've been before It's good show, isn't it?
Very good
There's some pretty extraordinary stuff they show there.
So it's kind of an ideal thing because you just sit there, the pop videos are all about, you know, three minutes long.
If you don't like one, you go off to the lab and you come back and there's something new and amazing waiting there for you.
And of course this time, there'll be me too.
Although I'll keep my contribution fairly minimal, so don't worry.
Anyway, I'll look forward to seeing you then.
Thank you very much indeed for your call, Lisa.
OK, thank you.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Well, there you go.
Weezer were trounced.
Poor old Weezer.
It's a damn good song, though, that Weezer song.
We'll play it on our Christmas Eve show.
Of course we are here on Christmas Eve.
Do not miss it.
I can see Justin Lee Collins.
Oh, my God, Justin Lee Collins.
I thought all the telly stars were away this weekend doing their Channel 4 shows.
No, Collins is still there.
Collins, he's a hard-working man.
He's drifting around with a huge famous aura around him.
Er, so we will see you at XFM's Winter Wonderland, listeners, if you're gonna be there tomorrow night.
Steve Yeah.
Ricky Yeah.
Steve If you're lucky enough to have tickets.
Ricky Yeah, we'll look forward to it.
That's right, cos they're all sold out.
And then if you're not going to XFM's Winter Wonderland and you want a dose of Adam Buxton, then I'm doing a gig immediately afterwards at the Landor pub in Clapham North for an evening called Sit Down Sundays, which is, erm, an evening of character comedy.
and I'll be appearing there tomorrow night.
I think the show starts at eight, so if you're not going to Winter Wonderland, go along to sit down Sundays at the Landor Pub.
But that's it from us.
The White Stripes are coming up right now, and Justin Lee Collins will be on very, very shortly after.
I hope there's no swearing in it.
Have you not checked?
I haven't listened to all of it.
Do they swear?
Do the White Stripes swear?
Sometimes.
This could be it for us.
Oh, dear.
Stand by on the red button.
Love you, bye!
This is called Candy Cane Children.
See you next week.
Candy cane girl, don't you know your name girl Twelve people gonna ask you just to say hello What a world, Christmas once a year girl That story huh and 64 tears girl So when Christmas finally comes
Think again, girl
Nine people gonna tell you just the same, boy You're alone, son, in the middle of a million And nobody knows how to talk to children Oh, when Christmas finally comes and nobody's got a gun And you think it might be fun to get a new toy Think again, boy
Oh, when Christmas finally comes
it might be fun to make a stand.
Think again, man.