Jack Johnson, sitting, waiting, wishing.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Hello, listeners, welcome.
We're with you for the next, er, two hours, one hour and fifty-five minutes.
We've got great music, prizes, competitions, and a terrible twist to the last half hour of the show, cos Adam is saying he's gotta go to a christening, right, Adam?
My godson is being christened.
Oh my godson.
Er, is it being christened at two-thirty?
No, at three o'clock, so I- So you've gotta leave at two-thirty?
Yeah.
That's your story, right?
That's my story.
The truth is- What is the truth?
I'm going out to the pub, and I'm meeting Santa.
I don't believe that.
Do you not?
I think I know the real truth.
What is the truth?
You are Santa!
You killed him, like Tim Allen in the Santa Claus.
Shut up, man.
Shut up.
He was delivering presents to your house.
He slipped and fell off the roof.
And now, thanks to the Santa Claus, you have to become Santa.
Yeah, alright.
Is that right?
Yes, that's what happened.
Do the noise.
There you go, the Tim Allen noise, do it again.
I rest my case, you are Tim Allen, you are Santa.
Damn that Santa Claus.
So there we go, so Adam will be leaving at 2.30 and we don't really know what we're going to do about Ditties in the Dock.
Yeah we do, we're going to have an epic play-off.
OK.
Yeah.
You know, like, songs that are really slightly too long to play on the radio, usually.
Right.
Er, things like Stairway to Heaven and Bohemian Rhapsody, that kind of thing.
And you've chosen one already?
I've chosen one already.
I won't tell you what it is yet.
OK, so here's our first task for the listeners.
Listeners, help me, Joe Cornish, er, pick a song that will beat Adam Buxton in an epic Ditties play-off.
Yeah.
So, what's the definition again?
Long songs?
Well, they don't necessarily have to be long, but something, you know, something that- Something of an epic quality.
an epic quality, paranoid android by Radiohead, Stairway to Heaven.
Can we define it any more, other than epic quality and length?
A sort of operatic nature to it.
Possibly, doesn't have to be operatic, but just something that probably is going to be a little bit long.
Help me, listeners.
Text 83XFM.
If I choose your choice, we'll give you a prize.
We need something to beat your record and- and- beat Adam's record.
Any clues as to what you've chosen?
I've chosen, uh, a track by a band who had a film made about them with a dreadful, annoying actor playing the lead.
I think I know what that could be.
Please help me text 83XFM or email or even call 0871221 049 if you've got an idea for a song that could beat Adam, it's got to be the ultimate epic really, an unbeatable epic rock song.
Something we might have here at XFM as well.
I think we've got a few lying around.
So no requests for Trapped in the Closet by R. Kelly.
Because that is the most epic song ever recorded of course.
Yeah.
If you strung it all together, how long would it be?
All the sections.
Well, it's 12, 3 minutes, isn't it?
So it's 30, 30, whatever that is.
Have you listened to it from start to finish?
30, whatever that is.
Sort of a maths equation, is that what?
Have you listened to the whole thing?
Of course I have.
Wow.
Yeah.
But listen, uh, listeners, the other thing we're doing is playing movie lingo bingo in about probably 20 minutes.
Yeah.
And it's a very easy one.
In fact, it's so easy, I think we should just get children to enter.
really yeah so if you're listening with a child so what constitutes a child these days your honor someone under 18 someone under um 16 unless it's got to be under 16 under 16s all right so under 16s only entering movie lingo bingo so you have to sound a bit childish otherwise yeah that's right children or or people who sound very childish yeah yeah like nancy what's her name who does bart simpson's voice she could enter yes nancy cartwright
Yeah.
Any woman employed, uh, voicing a child on a cartoon.
Hey, did you see the comedy awards?
Did you see, um... Yes.
What's his name?
Uh, maybe not.
I can never remember his name.
The guy that plays Homer Simpson.
Dan Castanella.
Castanella.
No, I didn't.
What did he say?
What did he do?
he did a funny speech it was really funny I wish I should have recorded it shall we play a record and talk about it because we don't want to overload the listeners with stuff no no we've already requested help with ditties and kids to enter movie lingo bingo okay let's play some music and then we can chat more okay here's see girls
That's Sigur Rós.
Whenever you talk about Sigur Rós, if you're a journalist and you're writing an article, you've always got to use the word glacial.
Every time anybody writes about them, they're always described as glacial because they're from... Iceland?
And they've got glaciers.
Steve Laughs Steve Laughs
and like lemmings they proceed towards a cliff edge and the music builds and builds and builds and you think they're all gonna fall off the cliff but they don't they fly oh they fly through the air like peter pan children my goodness i was worried when you were talking they were going to die it's glacial glacial
there we go this is element joe on xfm london's 104.9 how come you missed the comedy awards man i didn't i sky-plussed it but i only watched Jonathan Ross's uh monologue with some terribly risque jokes they always are yeah and then i switched off because um i've seen enough of Ricky Gervais's winning awards was he winning any or was he giving them away um he didn't win as many as people thought he was going to i just know what that looks like now
Yeah.
Amanda, we need to meet him with, er, The Thick of It.
Thick of It won over extras.
Oh, well done, Thick of It.
Yeah, fantastic.
And, er, Festival was the surprise movie win.
No.
Yeah.
Wow.
It was the film with the unsexiest sex scenes ever filmed.
I haven't seen it yet.
Mmm.
I'm really keen to see it.
It'll make you celibate.
OK, good.
I need to be- I need to become celibate.
Erm, and, er, let's see, how was the rest of your week?
me personally.
Yeah.
Fine, thanks, Ad.
Good.
Yeah, it went very well indeed.
Um, I watched Space Cadets last night.
I don't know if anybody out there watched Space Cadets as well.
Oh, yeah.
So, the conclusion.
The conclusion to the grand, uh, reality TV experiment.
Right.
And I don't know what people out there think, but I still can't work out whether it's really cruel and horrible or whether it was just harmless fun.
I saw Johnny Vaughan, um, trying to convince them that they had experienced something wonderful.
Yeah.
Uh, with the logic that- A laugh.
It's a laugh.
It's a laugh, but he was trying to say to them,
You know, you've had an experience that I'll never have because you genuinely believed that you were looking at the Earth from space.
And even if it turned out to be a lie, that moment when you really believed it must have been amazing and I'll never have that.
You know, that's the third thing we can ask our listeners.
We've already got them helping us with helping me with ditties.
We're gathering up kids to enter movie lingo bingo.
But also, do you think space cadets was wrong?
do you think it was it there was some fundamentally evil because i tell you what my girlfriend who's obviously lovely uh can't watch it because she feels too bad she feels it's essentially cruel and just nasty to make people think they're in space she swears at charlie skelton she swears at vaughan yeah and then whenever uh little what's-his-name is he called paul or billy blow the torch like that i've never been on such a nutty space-based thing in my life
he said last night.
What's he called?
He's either Paul or Billy.
I think he's called Billy.
Is he an actor or a real contestant?
No, he's a real contestant.
And he's the sweetest man like this.
He looks a bit like Richard Bacon with a slightly chubbier face.
And I've lost my train of thought now because I've gone slightly hyperventilating doing that voice.
But he was having a lovely time.
Oh, he's so sweet.
And my girlfriend, she loves him.
She thinks he's the cleverest guy in the world.
And you know what?
I think she's right.
Yeah.
I've concluded she's right, cos there was an atmosphere of shame last night.
Everyone was trying to, you know, to use that appalling phrase, pick it up, and, er, approach the thing with some bravado and excitement, but there was a general, stinky atmosphere of I'd rather not be here.
Just let the membership run away and hide.
I also saw Johnny Vaughan trying to conjure some enthusiasm by saying, come on, remember the money!
And they all went, yay!
In fact, look, I made a note of what they said.
Er, Billy, who was taking it all very, very seriously, he was kind of a sort of good-looking Tom Cruise type, and he was very sincere, he was writing poems about the planet Earth and stuff, when the hoax was revealed, he said, ìAh, this is embarrassing, weíve been bummed.î I thought thatís a good way of putting it, you have been bummed.
You have been bummed.
Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
so she was just- she genuinely wanted to be an astronaut so she- her heart snapped.
Oh no.
For the pleasure of millions.
And then- and then Billy or Paul or whatever his name is, that bloke!
Er, he is gonna, I think, be the most robust out of all of them.
He's gonna be fine, cos his reaction was, while the other two were getting very depressed, his reaction was, come on, guys, just face the music and smile.
Face the music.
Smile.
How's my hair looking?
He's a star.
That, that, nothing beats positivity.
Yeah, there you go.
Do you know what I mean?
All you have to say is, smile, be bright, let it be water off a duck's back, and no one can get you.
Yep.
But yeah, what do you think, listeners?
Was Space Cadets cruel, essentially?
Or did you just enjoy laughing at other people's misfortune?
I did both, and I feel dirty.
It's not total misfortune, though, is it?
Because they have made some money and been on television.
They've made 25 grand, but they will be mocked as idiots in the street forever.
No, surely not.
Do you think?
Johnny Vaughn at the end said, if you meet these people in the street, salute them as the heroes they are.
Yeah, that's- And that was just, you know, to limit the collateral damage from people shouting, Oi!
Biscuit!
Whatever they're gonna shout in the street.
Loser!
Luna Loser!
Anyway, here are the cousin chiefs.
Oh, me ears.
Uh, band of the year, surely.
Don't you reckon, Joe?
Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.
The Chiefs.
The Kaiser's.
With Oh My God.
Now, we have got movie lingo bingo coming up very shortly, and we're trying to get, um, children to take part in it this week.
Yes.
We're gonna do it live.
Uh, we're just gonna get the contestant on, and then play the clip, because it's that easy.
Right.
You reckon?
Yeah.
I think.
I'd probably be very wrong and it'll be difficult.
We've got some good prizes to give away.
Basically, I think we're gonna put the youngest person that calls in on.
I think that's the way we should do it.
Right.
They should have a parent accompanying them, though.
Cos if they're very young, they might not be able to speak.
Oh, yes.
No, you should probably get permission to call or whatever they say on kids' TV shows.
Ask parents' permission.
Er, before you call.
And Lila, our producer, will answer the phone and she'll talk to you in a quite patronising way.
But the prizes are, um, what is this?
Operation?
Yeah, just the game Operation.
Everyone knows that.
It's a big game.
It's a massive game.
It's fantastic and it goes buzz when you touch people's intestinal walls.
And, uh, Cebuteo, Dream Team Stadium.
Maybe not perfect for a girl, uh, but maybe that's a sexist attitude.
Well- Maybe girls these days like Cebuteo.
Girls these days, you know, there's no telling.
But you know what, it's the Dream Team Stadium.
Listen to that.
it rattles.
It's heavy.
It's got stuff in it.
So that's two, er, massive board games worth at least, what would you say?
£100 each?
£1,000?
£1,000 each.
No, probably about £20.
We've also got some copies of the Adam and Joe DVD to give away.
We'll throw in an Adam and Joe DVD, yes.
the Adam and Jo show.
And I tell you what, we'll throw in Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence, uh, starring Tom Conti, Ruichi Sakamoto and Jack Thompson, because kids love Japanese prison camps.
And David Bowie.
There's nothing the under-15s like more than Japanese prison camps.
Favourite line from Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence?
Ah, what a funny face.
Beautiful eyes, though.
Yeah.
Yeah, that one.
Ok, let's take a break, we'll play some music and then we'll come back with movie.
Hey, lingo bingo, yes.
The number?
0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9.
If you're a child, you wanna win that stuff.
0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9.
We'll be back very soon.
Love music, love XFM.
Yeah, yeah, that's the killers that somebody told me.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
It's time to play movie lingo bingo.
Have we got a competition type jingle?
Competition time You could win a DVD or tickets to a show
You just never know.
So sharpen up your brain and get ready to play.
Yeah, if that hasn't made you ready for a competition, then you're normal.
Um, Movie Lingo Bingo is the competition where we play you a clip from the foreign soundtrack of a famous film, right?
Yeah, you know, on a DVD, you can select what language you listen to it in.
And it's amazing that they have all those translations of all your favourite films just sat there on DVD.
There's all different people doing all the voices.
Yes, it's true.
And, er, so we've harnessed that useless, er, you know, erm, feature, feature, thanks man, on a DVD, and made this brilliant competition.
But it's so easy this week, er, this is just for the kids.
Yeah.
For the under-16s.
We've already had a lot of calls.
If you've called already, don't worry, we may well be calling you back.
If you haven't called yet and want to call, 0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine.
We've got fantastic, er, board games to give away.
Well, I think, I think we probably have all the callers we need, don't we?
I don't know.
Yeah, I don't think- we- we're not taking any more callers for the competition right now.
Really?
Yeah.
You sound very authoritative.
I'm- I'm on top of everything.
Have I got it wrong?
Yeah.
Okay.
Lila says no more callers for the competition.
No more callers.
Alright, so instead we're gonna play the clip.
Uh, we're gonna play the clip, yeah.
We're gonna play the clip, play a little bit of music, and then we'll go back to the phone.
Yeah.
So this- this is the clip.
This is a very, very old French man who's in- having some health problems.
You know what that's like?
It's like a dream.
My God, it's like a dream.
A dream.
That is one very ill French organic farmer.
It's Jean de Floret.
No, it's not.
Oh.
Good guess, though.
So there we go.
We're going to be going to the phones in a second.
Some confusion over whether we have the callers on the line already or whether we need new callers.
Lila, we don't need new callers, do we?
Do we?
Speak, woman.
No, we don't.
No, we've got three children already.
We've got three kids already.
Fantastic.
So right after this record, we'll be going to them, and, oh, this is gonna be brilliant, giving away prizes.
First of all, here is a track, a free play.
This is Thomas Dolby, and I just noticed this week that Supertramp are advertising their greatest hits album, and it's called Retrospectacle, which is the same as Thomas Dolby's hits album, but he came up with it first.
Shocking.
That's not allowed, is it?
No.
That's disrespectful.
Anyway, here's Thomas.
Yes, that's Thomas Dolby, who was a scientist from the 80s who went into music.
A scientific genius.
Yeah, with She Blinded Me With Science.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, now it's movie lingo bingo time, our competition this afternoon on XFM, and we're restricting all the entrants to ages 16 or under this week.
Correct.
So this is going to be semi-chaotic.
For two reasons.
One, because it's Christmas and Christmas is a time for kids.
Exactly.
And also because it's very easy.
Extremely easy, so- But maybe not so easy for the young'uns.
We'll find out.
Er, Eleanor, are you there?
Yeah.
How you doing, Eleanor?
I'm fine.
how old are you nine nine nine nine uh are you a christmas fan or do you find it a tedious time of year um i'm a christmas fan good so am i i love christmas are you a movie fan and he's uh elena sorry um yeah but i don't watch that many movies really what's your favorite movie would you say
Erm... I don't really know.
Mean Girls, maybe Mean Girls.
Mean Girls?
Yes, I was nine.
I'd love Mean Girls.
Those girls are so mean.
I haven't seen Mean Girls.
Have you seen it, Eleanor?
Pardon?
Have you seen Mean Girls?
No.
Oh, dear, this isn't going very well.
It's my fault.
Have you seen Narnia?
Er, no, not yet.
Well, don't bother.
Um, OK, Eleanor, I'm going to play you that clip again, and what I want you to do... Do you speak any French by any chance?
No.
Are they not teaching you French at school?
No, but my friend is.
Really?
Where do you go to school, Eleanor?
Kilbori.
And they don't teach you French?
No.
Do you do any languages?
Erm, well, they teach me Italian.
Oh, that's good, Italian.
They probably teach you street as well, don't they?
At schools these days.
Wagwan and that sort of thing, Tick Me and Oz, that kind of stuff.
Hello?
It's OK, Eleanor, I don't- I don't know what he's talking about either.
Erm, I'm going to play you the clip right now, Eleanor, just to- to refresh your memory and see if you think- see if you think you know it's- Adam's laughing at Tick Me and Oz in the other studio.
Who knows?
See if you think you- you know who's talking- I can't speak.
I'll just play you the clip.
Do you recognize that voice?
Who do you think that might be?
I think it's, like, something kind of creepy.
Something scary.
A scary film.
What film do you think it could be?
The- The Nightmare Before Christmas.
That's a good guess.
Very good guess.
C'est une très bon guess.
That's French for guess.
C'est jusition.
But you know what, Eleanor, it's wrong, but, because it's Christmas, we're going to give you your choice of board game anyway.
Do you want Guess Who?
The Flip and Find Face Game?
I love that game.
That's a good game, Guess Who?
I love Guess Who?
Do you want Monopoly?
Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
Hey, Jake.
How are you?
Are you having a nice weekend?
Now, uh, Jake, how old are you?
Seven.
Fantastic.
Hey, Jake, you've got your radio on in the background.
I've always wanted to say this.
Can you get your mum, Pauline, to turn the radio down in the background, cos it echoes and it's like we're on a long-distance telephone call?
Yeah, it's done now.
Hey, thanks, Jake.
Sorry.
So, Jake, what are you hoping to get for Christmas?
Erm... Pokemon Emerald.
Pokemon Emerald?
What's that?
Yeah.
Is that an N64 game?
Erm... No.
No?
Oh, dear, what is it?
Erm, Gameboy game.
A Gameboy game.
that- that's- that'll be great.
I want that as well.
Steve- Is Pokemon still- is Pokemon still good currency on the street?
Steve- Oh yeah.
Steve- Really?
Steve- Everyone plays Pokemon, don't they, Jake?
Jake- Yep.
Steve- Yeah.
What about- what about Yu-Yugi- Yu-Gi-Oh?
Steve- Yu-Gi-Oh.
What's the-?
Jake- Yeah, I love Yu-Gi-Oh.
Steve- Yeah, which is better, Yu-Gi-Oh or Pokemon?
Jake- Pokemon!
Steve- Oh yeah, definitely.
That's stupid of me.
Steve- Jake, are Beyblades still, uh, good news?
No.
No?
But they were all the rage like about- was it one year ago or two years ago?
They slice your eyes open.
And so do those fairies that- whose wings slice your eyes open.
Kids are cleverer than that.
Jake, do you know what Jo's talking about, Jake?
No.
Good, good.
Just checking.
Neither do I. Now listen, did you hear that clip before that we played with the weird voice?
Oh, is that Pauline saying that you didn't?
Shall we- we'll play you a little bit of it, Jake.
Have a listen.
Are you listening, Jake?
Yep.
Here we go.
Have a listen to this.
What film do you think this is in French?
What could that mean?
Do you know what that means, Jake?
Erm, no.
OK, Jake, listen.
Let me give you a guess.
Say that it's...
that's a loser's never gonna say that Jake what's your favorite film yes isn't that quite scary no really scary for you Adam what about have you seen the Empire Strikes Back that is scary come on I tried to show that to my son he freaked out I did not freak out
well you're a bit older than my son and probably a great deal more mature Jake but there you go um so do you want to have a guess at what that clip was does your mum Pauline know Jake ask ask your mum um what is it she does know she does know no she actually doesn't
Oh, she doesn't.
OK.
Well, listen, I tell you what, that's a very good, er, you know, attempt, and we're going to give you a game anyway.
Do you want, Jake, do you want, guess who, the Flip and Find Face game, Monopoly, the boring game, or Sabuteo, Dream Team Stadium?
They hear the Dream Team stadium.
Do you like football, Jake?
Yep.
Well, there you go.
You're made up with Sabutio.
Listen, have a fantastic Christmas.
Consider that your first Christmas present from myself and Joe.
Thank you very much indeed for calling in.
Have a great weekend.
This is tough, isn't it?
No one's getting it.
Well, it is difficult if you're quite young.
And we've got Beth now, who I think is five and three quarters.
Hello, Beth.
Hello.
How are you?
Fine.
Are you really five and three quarters?
Yeah.
You sound very clever and articulate.
Yeah, you're the most articulate person we've had on for a while, not just today.
Um, but listen, Beth, do you watch a lot of films?
Yeah.
What's your favourite?
Finding Nemo.
Finding Nemo, it's a peach, isn't it?
That's a great film.
What's the best bit in Finding Nemo?
When they find Nemo, of course, Adam.
Obviously.
Do you like the bit with the shark?
Yeah.
That's good, isn't it?
That's quite scary as well.
So, Beth, do you think you know what that clip we were playing was?
Yeah.
And do you think you've seen the film?
No.
OK.
Do you think you can tell us what it is without hearing the clip again?
Yeah.
Go on, then.
Tell us what you think it is.
E.T.
Of course it is.
It is E.T.
Because he's saying, uh, Telefonmezant.
Telefonmezant, which is French for phone home, right?
That's what French aliens say when they're far away.
Hey, well done, Beth.
Congratulations.
That's amazing.
Are you still there or have you passed out with Joy?
Joy- Yeah.
Ricky- Well done.
Are you happy about that?
Joy- Yeah.
Ricky- Yeah.
You should see E.T.
It's fantastic.
Steve- Oh, it's a brilliant- ask your parents for that for Christmas.
That's a lovely film.
Although it's always a bit weird, it slightly bums out the day because your parents will start crying at the end of it.
Ricky- Yeah.
Yeah.
Steve- And, uh- Ricky- It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, it'll make you ask God why.
Steve- Yeah.
Is that what was on the poster?
Ricky- That's what I suggested but they never used it.
It's a very intense watching experience, but it's well worth it.
Anyway, Beth, I hope you have a lovely Christmas.
Let's give her a game.
So you're left with- can we give her both of those games?
Cos she's the winner, we should distinguish her from the loser somehow.
We're gonna send you Monopoly and Guess Who and the Adam and Joe DVD, which is 15, so you'll have to wait nine and a quarter years to watch it.
And then you'll be probably quite disappointed.
By then it'll mean nothing.
It'll have decomposed by then.
So just put it in the garden as mulch.
Yeah.
Beth, happy Christmas.
Thank you very much for calling in.
Thank you for calling, Beth.
Thank you, Beth's mum, Sarah.
Uh, thanks to everybody who called.
Wasn't that cocklewarming?
Yeah, that was cocklewarming, but it took a long time, so let's play some music.
We'll be back sh-sh-shortly after this.
What is this?
Music!
Of course!
It's music, but it's by... Rock band!
The Kooks!
There you go.
Well, that's one of the albums of the year, certainly.
Gorilla's Demon Days, and that was Dirty Harry, of course, from that album.
Yeah, and if you've just tuned in, I'd like to remind you that Adam has to leave early, because he is Santa.
He killed Santa, and, you know, according to the Santa Claus, he now has to become Santa.
So I've got to do Ditties in the Dock on my own.
The theme is epic records.
Adam's already got one up his sleeve.
He's pre-recorded a pitch for it.
But I need your help to choose what should play against him.
So we're looking for an epic track.
And we've already had the most popular votes.
Led Zeppelin, Stairway to Heaven.
Radiohead, Karma Police.
Don McLean, American Pie.
Bruce Springsteen with Born to Run, The Stone Roses, Love Spreads.
Doves with The Cedar Room.
Green Day with Jesus of Suburbia.
Er, what's that?
I can't read that one.
Er, Nick called in, suggested The Stone Roses with I Am The Resurrection.
That's a good one.
Les called in, er, suggested Guns N' Roses with November Rain.
Wow.
Do you even know that track?
Yes.
I don't know it.
Er, so a lot to choose from there.
Keep those, er, suggestions coming in on 83XFM and the one I choose, er, I'll- I'll send a prize to the person who voted for it.
So, Joe Cornish, have you seen the new Strokes video for Juice Boxx?
No.
it's rubbish is it it's rubbish how can you say that i was as shocked and surprised as anyone what happens in it well it starts off i think it's got david cross you know the guy from mr show yeah an arrested development um he's got like yeah he's the good sort of baldy guy right with glasses yeah
He's a very funny man.
Anyway, someone has- basically David Cross turns up at the beginning of this thing and he's playing a cheesy DJ in like a little local radio station where the Strokes are doing a session.
And the Strokes are all looking really grumpy and annoyed to be in this little nowhere radio station having to do promo for their album.
You know, because bands hate doing that kind of thing.
And David Cross is playing this DJ who clearly knows nothing about the strokes and he's patronising them in an annoying way.
And the strokes are sort of rolling in their eyes and going... This is all before the song starts?
Yeah, it's a little pre-drama.
Comedy preamble.
I'll play you the little snatch of the beginning if you want.
Alright, we are back on WWIZZ with me, Woody, all night long until the morning in which I become Morning Wood.
Hello!
Fat Reggie and the Dumb Bitch are out at the Kids Who Care concert covering that, and we are here live in the studio with special guest, Stroke!
You guys are huge, huge in Europe, right?
And are you hoping that some of that success translates back here in the States?
Well, uh, I guess... Hey, come on, don't be shy!
Look out, because I think you guys are going to be hot.
All right, without further ado, let's hear their latest single, part of the New York sound that is exploding all over New York and the tri-state area.
Please welcome Stroke with Juicy Juice.
He got their name wrong, and he got the name of the track wrong.
They're called the Strokes, not Stroke.
And it's called Juice Box, not Juicy Juice.
It's all about how awful it is to be a band and deal with ignorant DJs and that kind of thing.
What happens in the video when they actually start playing the song?
So when they start playing the song, the whole comedy element is just mysteriously left behind and it becomes a montage of baffling shots of people who are listening to this broadcast going out live dotted around New York.
There is a couple of lesbians having a lesbian scene on a roof where they're filming a scene for a porno film.
And so excuse to see some attractive women snogging in quite an explicit way.
Hey, we've just had a competition for kids.
I know, but they will have gone to bed now.
And then you see a couple of young attractive homosexual men in a toilet cubicle and it's all very rock and roll and then someone staggers out of a cab and throws up on the sidewalk and then there's an old woman
with a dog and she's scrubbing the floor for some inexplicable reason it's just a montage of the worst most lazy rubbish rock and roll cliches all bookended with this useless unfunny dj thing in a radio station and it made me think like um
what were they thinking, A, and B, it's just a cliche that shouldn't really be done anymore, should it?
That sort of cheesy DJ or the comedy preamble thing before the song.
I was just wondering if anyone had any more pop video cliches they'd like to send in, things that they would like to see stopped.
Is this our texta?
Yeah.
OK, our text competition.
Have we got a prize?
I'll find out what the prize is.
You- you- you do the comp.
We've got more copies of the Adam and Joe show to give away.
And, er, we have, er, Merry Christmas to Mr Lawrence, of course.
Yeah.
But anyway, so, some examples of things that I would be happy not to see again in a pop video.
The, erm, neon spaceship.
I haven't been in many neon spaceships for a while, but you know, like the Michael Jackson, the Janet Jackson one, and, er, you know, the big neon luxury spaceship.
What, so, yeah, Funky Rocks Spaceship.
Yeah.
What, there's, they, The Darkness do that, don't they?
Yeah, they do it ironically, I suppose.
Yeah.
but I wouldn't mind not seeing any more luxury spaceships.
Uh, videos where the track drops out, uh, halfway through, and- and- yeah, spoken interludes or something like that happens.
Bands in wonky rooms with weird angled walls or very brightly coloured rooms.
Um, like the back of the room is much too small and the front of the room is really big, or the chairs are much too big, or maybe the tables are much too small!
that kind of thing.
Uh, backwards videos?
I don't think we need any more backwards videos.
How many have there been?
Well, there's two that I can think of off the top of my head, Far Side and- Yeah, with Drop.
And, uh, The Scientist, uh, by Coldplay.
Right.
Both very good videos, you know.
But, um, we- we don't need any more, I don't think.
Um, Band in the Studio, recording their track.
I mean, that's a really old thing.
I don't think anyone would do that now, except ironically.
Shots of the lead singer kind of holding his cans and closing his eyes while he sings his heart out.
Er, and then ordinary people singing along, you know?
Just members of the public.
Old people or people... Steve Lipsyncing to the record.
Yeah, people who shouldn't be, you know, they're obviously not in a band.
So, wow, what's that old granny doing, singing along to this indie rock track?
It's blowing my mind.
That's a selection of the ones that I thought off the top of my head.
So 83XFM, if you can think of any other bigger pop video cliches, things that should be banned in pop videos, and we'll give a prize to the best, 83XFM.
Right, Phil, Joe, Phil.
Uh, hi.
Uh, my name's Joe.
Uh... Come on.
Oh.
OK, you don't have to fill anymore.
Here we... That's brilliant, man.
Thanks.
We should do, like, a sheet of... write some fills down, you know?
Yeah, we should.
We should.
Pin them up to the wall and then when we need to fill, we can just read off the sheet.
Anyway, we'll be back very shortly.
Here's some adverts.
Love music.
Thanks, FM.
yes that's the arctic monkeys with i bet you look good on the dance floor we've been asking you for your pop video cliches things in videos that should be banned and they've come flooding in thick and fast you ready for some of these oh my god hang on listeners adam buckston has just walked into the studio wearing a shirt and tie sorry man i was in the lobby i was getting changed for my my wow that's amazing you look like no lemons on deal or no gear
You do as well.
Yeah.
Wow.
Um, OK, so, yeah, things that should be banned in pop videos.
Thanks everybody who's, er, texted in.
Are you ready for these, Adam?
Yeah.
Hit me.
So, here's a good one from Lee in Camden.
Banned being studied by scientists.
Yeah.
Very good one.
Anything involving scientists, really.
But there's that brilliant, er, Basement Jacks Monkey video.
I like that one.
That's true, yeah, yeah.
But you're right, it is becoming a bit of a cliché.
Correct, Lee?
Anything set in the desert, says Pete.
Ban all deserts.
Correct.
Indoor rain or exploding light bulbs, says Barry.
I'd say water dripping off a light bulb.
Absolutely.
Yeah, key cliché.
Light bulbs swinging slowly and then exploding.
Good one, Barry.
Here's one from Paul.
Er, a band who meet at an industrial park or a multi-storey car park and dance for no reason.
Yeah, or anything set in a derelict warehouse, for that matter.
Derelict warehouses, yeah.
Uh, pillow fights, says Will.
Yeah.
You don't get a lot of pillow fights in indie videos, do you?
No, not too many.
But anything with young girls.
Look, young teenage girls love having pillow fights.
I don't like anything like that.
Do you remember that Travis video for, um, Sing, I think, where they're having a food fight?
Yeah.
That made me very uncomfortable.
Well, that's different, isn't it?
Sort of food mess.
Yeah.
Is a different bugbear.
How about this, an impromptu gig on top of a liquor store or a gun shop in America?
I mean, that's always homaging the Beatles' video, right?
Or the Beatles' event.
Lead singer's walking in slow motion towards the camera.
Yellow from Coldplay and Wires by Athlete, both guilty of that.
That's Adam in Watford.
Correct?
I agree.
Anything smashing in slow motion.
did anything.
Steve Well, where would the pop video be without slow motion?
I mean, boy.
Ricky What, shorter?
Steve Exactly.
Ricky Uh, any direct movie parodies?
Italian Job or Top Gun?
These- these have come in without names.
Someone else says, just ban Keith Allen.
Keith Allen himself is- is- is a cliché in pop videos.
Steve Celebri- in America, they feel the same way about, um, Ben Stiller, I think.
Ricky Really?
Steve Yeah, he pops up.
Ricky Always turning up in pop videos.
Well, they're, you know, a similar level.
Um, action going underwater in a video or into a club toilet and the music changing.
What is that?
I've not seen that very often.
That does happen if the lead singer falls into water or something and then everything- the music goes all watery.
Or if they go into- if the action goes into another room, the music is back grounded for a moment.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Yeah, I think that's a good one.
Yeah.
And teen house parties is the other one where the band are playing in the bedroom and there's a party going on around the house and everything's getting smashed up.
Well, I'm afraid you haven't seen the last of that genre.
That's got to be a... That's never going to go.
That's a hardy perennial.
But they're very good.
We'll decide who's getting the prize.
Are you happy with those, Adam?
Yes, absolutely.
We'll see if anyone else texts in during this next song, but if not, we'll award a prize to one of those.
Thank you.
But first of all, here's Belle and Sebastian.
This is a new track from them.
This is coming out in January, and it's called Funny Little Frog.
Very nice Bell and Sebastian with funny little frog now, I guess we should wrap up our text competition Yeah, but there's so many good ones coming in.
Have you got some more there?
Yeah, how about this bands riding in cars with a back projected?
You know background like a deliberately wrong-looking.
Yeah
This is coming from Dan in Watford.
The ultimate has to be a band riding in a car with an awful backdrop.
Stereophonics, Dakotas, Green Day, Holiday.
Ban it all, I tell you, it's lazy, says Dan in Watford.
Getting quite angry there.
There's others that have come in anonymously.
The band in cartoon form.
That's a good one.
Yeah, because bands just get tired of doing videos.
So an easy way out is just to go, oh, do
cartoon.
Just to animate us.
Gorillaz have obviously made a whole career out of that, but they have chosen one of the world's best animators to do it.
Steve Yes, they've taken it to its brilliant logical extreme.
Ricky Yeah.
Here's another one.
Uh, stars lip syncing.
Band can't be bothered to film, they've got celebrity friends, they say, come along and lip sync to our song.
Uh, who's done that?
Elton John's done that, hasn't he?
I'm sure Blobby Williams has done that.
OK, and here's a really good one that's coming from two, er, listeners, but one of them's anonymous, the other is called Raj.
Pop stars being chased, er, pop stars pretending to be spies being chased by men in suits carrying some sort of briefcase.
That happens a lot in dance music videos.
Yeah.
And they spoof that in, er, that film It's All Gone Peek Tong.
Do they?
Yeah.
Never met anyone who's seen that before.
It's a good film.
Well, it's got its mo- it's a weird film, but it's got its moments.
There you go.
So those are pretty good.
Are we gonna decide who gets that- who gets the prize?
I like- let's give it to the angriest one.
Let's give it to Dan.
To Dan in- where's he gone?
Where's he gone?
Dan in Watford.
I like people in- For the band riding in cars with an awful backdrop.
Yeah, yeah.
Because, you know, I appreciate anyone who gets upset about things that really don't matter.
Yeah.
Erm, so thanks a lot for everybody- to everybody who got in touch with us there.
Speaking of getting angry, I saw Harry Potter and what's it called?
The Bucket of Turds last night.
The Goblet of Genius?
The Goblet of Genius.
And er, it was terrible.
Oh come on.
It was terrible!
I'm sorry, Harry Potter is terrible.
I like that one better than Narnia.
You like Narnia, you lunatic.
I like to take Narnia over Harry Potter any day.
I'll fight you!
But listen, my point, we have a fight, a Harry Potter versus, well let's do that
after Christmas, cos listeners could take sides.
I've always wanted there to be like a proper actual physical pop-culture punch-up over something really stupid.
You'll stand up for Potter.
I'll fight you for Potter.
Over Narnia, definitely.
But all the Christians will be on my side.
I'll be the Jesus army.
You and your Satan worshipping pagans.
You will- ah man, will- will Jesus you're out of the box.
I've got the power of market forces on my side.
I'm not a Christian but I will harness their violent force for this fight.
Well you've got Ray Winstone in your corner, all I've got is Ray Fines.
Exactly.
And Dawn French.
And you've got French.
So listen, but my point was in Harry Potter and the Bucket of Turds, it's supposed to be all dark and dramatic and it's rubbish and they get- and Ron gets- he falls out with Ron, right?
Yeah.
and Harry Potter's gotta be, he's sort of trying to be as rude as he can and almost swear at Ron Weasley and at the height of his fury he says to Ron Weasley, Ron you foul git!
And I thought, well, that's interesting, isn't it?
Is that- What's the rudest you can be without actually saying a swear word or a made-up word?
Well, Ron says pee off, doesn't he?
Does he?
Yeah, he does.
Oh, these teenagers.
How old are they supposed to be?
Er, in magic years.
In real human years?
About 16, I think.
And they're saying you foul git.
Well, they're magic.
They live in a magic castle.
They don't.
They wear jeans and dance to rock music at that stupid ball.
It's the stupidest film I've ever seen.
Well, he should be ashamed of himself.
I like that film.
Anyway, sorry, that could- that could- you know, it was meant to be about one thing, it turned into a fight.
Did you like the- you liked the children with the unfeasibly large mouths in Narnia?
I don't k- I don't measure my quality of a movie by the width of a child's mouth.
What about if they- if they can't speak?
Because they're posh kids.
Look, we've come out of the carbon inch or wintry wonderland.
That's what C.S.
Lewis is all about.
It's terrible.
All right.
Come on, let's fight.
We'll play some music and then Joe and I'll have a little punch-up and then we'll be right back.
This is a free place.
Then things will be better.
Exactly.
That'll sort things out.
A bit of violence.
Yeah, typical for a Harry Potter fan.
OK, here's Peter Noong with his version of David Bowie's Oh You Pretty Things.
the end of that record what was that that's the kings of leon with the bucket this is adam and joe on xfm i've uh got to go very shortly unfortunately before you go listen we were having an argument about harry potter and anania before uh where's that oh yes uh someone else called joe says if the harry potter actors want an idea of real insults they should come down to rumpford on a friday
Oh, that's a nice invitation.
But listen, I thought I'd teach you how to do a Harry Potter impression.
OK, go on.
I might have done this before, but I've improved it.
So if you're out there listening and you want to do an amazing Harry Potter impression, then just follow along to these instructions, OK?
I'm gonna- I'm gonna teach Adam here.
So- so just relax your face.
OK.
And, uh, make yourself look as surprised as possible.
Yeah, just with your eyes.
Surprised eyes.
OK, and keep the rest of your face completely blank.
Surprised eyes.
Now, pull the muscles down in your lower lip to reveal your lower teeth.
OK, just like this, look, look.
just pull the muscles down.
There you go, Lila's got it.
So you're not moving any part of your face apart from the muscles in your lower lip to reveal your lower teeth.
Now stick your lower teeth slightly forward.
There we are.
It's working already.
And now move your lower jaw round in a very small circle.
There you go.
Now say Dumbledore.
There we are, it works.
that is flawless I really did you not enjoy any of the set pieces man you know I love I think the production designs amazing and the directions amazing but the scripts in Harry Potter it's just impossible to make those books are they even had like how long was that last one three hours it wasn't it wasn't as long as not always seemed amazingly long I couldn't even make it through to the battle in Narnia hmm
As soon as the lion, boring Liam Neeson lion turned up, I had to leave.
Well, personally, I'd take Narnia over Potter any day.
Well, man, you're welcome to it.
You can spend Christmas in Narnia or I'm gonna go and have fun with the kids in the Magic Castle and listen to Jarvis Cocker.
Yes.
Um, all right, man, well, listen, I've gotta say goodbye now.
But, uh, I'll be preserved in the rest of this half hour in, um, uh- Aspic.
Audioloid.
OK.
Uh, pitching my- my epic track, and I really hope it wins.
Well, leave us with a record, Adam.
Okey-doke.
And, uh, have a great christening.
Yeah.
Bye.
Thanks very much.
Uh, here is Jose Gonzalez with Heartbeats.
Oh.
Look, you see, I pressed it, but it didn't happen.
Oh, I pressed the wrong one.
There you go.
In true Buxton form, I'm leaving with a mistake.
Right.
There we go.
Hello, there we go.
That was REM with Near Wild Heaven.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM, but it's just Joe now because Adam's gone to a christening and left me in the lurch.
But you know, I like it.
I can get closer to Lila, my sexy assistant.
And there's actually another Adam here.
Right, Adam?
He won't speak, he's too embarrassed.
He's our sort of technical assistant.
So it is in a way still the Adam and Joe show.
Now, I've got to decide what record I'm going to choose for Ditties in the Dock.
Adam has recorded a virtual pitch, right Lila?
Yes, he has.
He's been in the studio before the show.
I haven't heard it.
He's chosen an epic rock song because that's the category.
And I've now got to choose something that'll beat him.
So I think my choice, listeners, is going to be the Smiths with How Soon is Now.
I've no idea what Adam's going to choose, but I think that will get you guys calling and voting.
And if you need any more incentive, the prize this week is a copy of The Album.
That's right, it doesn't even have a title.
It's just called The Album.
It's a fantastic compilation of XFM-style songs.
Everyone who gets through gets on the air, wins one of those.
So any second now, we're going to do Dizzies in the Dock, and we're going to discover exactly what Adam's chosen to go against the Smiths.
Until then... Ooh!
There we go.
Okay, it's time for Dizzy's in the Dock, the exciting, climactic battle between myself and Joe for who gets to play the final song of our two hours here at XFM on a Saturday afternoon.
This week, the category is epics.
Epic songs that really are slightly too long to play on a snappy, exciting, youth-based pop show like this one.
But today, we're gonna get a chance to hear an amazing slice of rock history from some legendary artists.
I am urging you to vote for
Light My Fire by The Doors.
Now, I think The Doors are a fairly unfashionable commodity these days, but I've always loved them.
And I always remember the first time I ever heard this on a Saturday afternoon, driving around town with my mum, and suddenly it came on Radio 1.
I think it was Janice Long's show, I can't remember.
But it was a very long time ago, and I thought, wow, this is going on forever.
But I'm kind of digging it.
It's freaking my brain.
And that's exactly the effect that you will have if you vote for this song and it gets played here on XFM.
It's an absolute peach, features an amazing, almost never-ending organ solo from Ray Manzarek.
And I can't say enough good things about it.
You know you love it.
You haven't heard it for much too long a time.
Vote for Light My Fire by The Doors.
Joe, what are you choosing?
Oh, thanks, Adam.
Wow, it's almost as if he's here.
I'm going to choose How Soon Is Now.
I've already said it, you idiot.
Adam, you idiot.
I've already announced it.
Eh, not listening.
I'm going to choose The Smiths with How Soon Is Now.
I don't know what to say about it, except that it's one of the greatest modern rock records ever recorded, right, Lila?
Is that hyperbolic?
No, I definitely think so.
It's just got a fantastic unique sound.
It sounds unlike any other record.
And you know, unlike any other epic records, it really doesn't diminish as you play it.
You don't really get bored of it because the sound is so very unique.
So call 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9.
That's 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9.
Vote for either The Doors or The Smiths.
It's How Soon Is Now versus I've forgotten what Adams is, Like My Fire.
The oldest, hoariest cliche in rock.
Or, you know, a song that doesn't get played that much.
The Smiths vs The Doors.
0-8-7-1.
Triple 2.
1-0-4-9.
Call now!
Yes, that was Goldfrapp with number one, and it's time to play Ditties in the Dock.
This is the part of the show where you, the listeners, get to vote which song we'll play our two hours out with.
Adam's left for a christening, but earlier you will have heard him pitch his track in a virtual styling, and his choice was The Doors.
We got it by far.
boring long song my choice was the Smith's with how soon is now an excellent song of course Adams not here so he can't rebuff me we got five callers on the line everyone who gets on the air wins a copy of the album let's waste no time and go to Claire hello Claire hello Claire how you doing I'm good thank you how you doing I'm doing okay you know Adams gone to a christening and you're in charge I'm in charge but you know what Claire to be perfectly honest I can't operate this radio station I don't understand how to do it
it is buttons, but I sit here reading the texts and the mails and stuff, and reading Heat magazine, and Adam presses all the buttons, so now Lila, the producer's taken over, and she's getting so excited about the whole thing, she's making me slightly nervous.
So Claire, will you just tell her to calm down?
Please be calm, it's all good.
Yeah, because you know, I think a woman, she's more likely to listen to another woman.
No, she's not, okay.
So Claire, listen, what did you think of Adam's pitch there for the doors?
Hello?
Hello Claire?
Claire?
We've lost Claire!
Oh my god!
Okay, let's go to line two.
Let's go to line two, Faye.
Hello!
Hello Faye, you're not going to suddenly vanish, are you?
I'm not.
Okay, so well let's get the important stuff out of the way first in case you do vanish.
Who are you voting for?
Is it going to be the Smiths or the Dawes?
The Smiths.
Well done.
Do you object to the Dawes?
A lot actually, I really object to them.
Do you think it reflects badly on Adam that he selected the Dawes?
Um, yes.
Yes, good.
Well done.
So that's, that's one nil to me.
Thank you, Faye.
And you win a copy of the album, which is packed full of the kind of music you might hear here on XFM.
Very good compilation record.
Thanks for calling.
Thanks for listening.
That's one to me, but we've got a sort of anonymous vote.
Are we going to get Claire back?
Let's see how it goes, and I'll tell you what she's going to vote.
She's so authoritative, is Lila.
OK, let's go to James.
Hello, James.
Hello there.
How you doing?
I'm fine, thanks.
I'm slightly scared by my lady producer, Lila.
James?
Yeah?
I can't say the phrase that would describe it.
You're just being so assertive, Lila.
That's my job.
That's terrifying.
That's my job.
Ah, James, mate.
What are you going to be voting for?
Is it The Doors or The Smiths?
I'm going to have to go again.
She's got to be The Doors, mate.
What?
Surely you've heard that song enough, though.
No, it's a great song.
It goes on forever.
OK, well, all right, James.
So that's one all.
Thanks for calling.
You get a copy of the album as well.
All right, thanks, mate.
This is gut-wrenching stuff.
Let's go to Jane.
Hello, Jane.
Hello.
How are you doing, Jane?
I'm OK, thank you very much.
Oh, you sound lovely.
Where are you from?
Where's that accent from?
South Wales.
There you go.
But where are you, where are you calling from?
Walthamstow.
What are you doing in Walthamstow?
I ask myself that every single day.
Did you see the documentary about Brian Harvey from East 17 during the week?
Because he was from, they were from Walthamstow.
I made sure I missed it.
Yeah.
You know what happened to him, don't you?
He had a terrible accident.
He did it quite near where I live, actually.
The accident was near where you lived?
Yes.
Really?
You weren't involved in any way?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
But you obviously feel sorry for him.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Yeah, he came across pretty well, only very slightly bitter.
But hey, who wouldn't be if that happened to you?
So listen, Jane, what are you going to be voting for?
Is it going to be the Smiths or the Dawes?
It was a really difficult choice, but I'm going for the Dawes.
Wow, you sound like an X Factor judge.
Oh, I've never even watched the X Factor.
Really?
Oh, well done, there should be a statue of you put on the moon.
There we go, so there we go, so it's, what was it again, the Smiths?
Hello?
Hello.
No, I voted for The Doors.
What are you playing at?
That's me two down.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Jane, I'm retracting the statue.
It's coming down off the moon, but thanks for calling and you'll get a copy of the album again.
So what is that?
That's 2-1 to Buxton?
Yeah.
That's not going according to plan.
Sebastian?
Hello.
Sebastian, do you realise the predicament we're in?
I certainly do.
Because, you know, we're supposed to have five callers.
It's going to be... Just tell us who you're going to vote for, Sebastian, The Doors or The Smiths?
Well, if he'd have said the end, I may have gone for the doors, but that means it's got to be the Smiths.
Well done, sir.
It's the tune.
It is the tune.
It's an amazing record, the Smiths' record, but you know, we're in a quandary now because it's two-all and, you know, we're first caller.
Maybe we can swing this, right?
You've got a brother called Felix, haven't you?
How do you know that?
Because I went to school with him.
Did you?
I went to school with you, but I'm obviously older than you.
What's your second name, Sebastian?
James, you wouldn't remember me when I was about three at the time.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow, that must have been a fetus in that case.
Pretty much.
Yeah, so there you go.
So how are you going to swing this?
So my brother's called Felix and...?
So therefore, because I have the family connection and, you know, it's obviously got to be the doors.
Sorry, excuse me, excuse me, no.
Shocking.
You're absolutely right, that's a very good logic, Sebastian.
And you know, I would go with that logic, but I don't think Lila's going to let it slide.
Well, we do have one more caller if you want to make it proper.
Oh, hey, Sebastian, thanks for calling.
Thank you.
And, you know, let's go for a drink, catch up or something.
I'll remember you to my brother.
But let's go for this final caller.
OK.
What's his or her name?
It's Joe.
It's Joe on line two.
Is it a lady Joe or a man Joe?
It's a man Joe.
Hello, Joe.
Hello.
You've got an E on the end, so that would make you a man.
Yeah.
Do you get angry when people... Actually, I don't put an E because it's Jonathan, really, but... Really?
Hi, Jonathan.
So people think you're a girl?
It confuses people that they hate me.
OK, so Joe, you realise you have a very important role now to play?
I agree, absolutely.
It's the best bastion.
If he'd gone to the end, then the other Joe would have fixed it, but it's got to be the Smiths.
Whey!
So I win.
Thank you very much, Joe.
And I wonder what happened to Claire there?
Maybe she was abducted by aliens, or I hope nothing horrible happened to her.
Claire, we hope you're all right.
Joe, thank you very much for coming in and saving the day.
That's OK.
That makes me the winner.
The doors are history.
The doors are closed.
What's that, Lila?
Shall we just hear from Adam?
Adam Buxton?
Oh, he's got a recorded response, has he?
Hey, thanks, Joe, for calling.
Sorry we only spoke to you briefly.
Let's hear Adam's recorded rebuttal.
Oh, well.
Never mind.
I can understand that.
It is quite tedious.
Yeah, there we go.
Did he do one if he won and one if he lost?
Yes, he did.
Do you want to hear it?
Yeah, let's hear the one if we would have played if he'd won.
OK, hang on.
Yes, I'm the king.
Here are the doors with light my fire.
Brilliant.
I'm glad we heard that.
OK, well, thanks very much for listening, everybody.
Are we going to play the song and come back?
We'll do that.
So here it is.
Thanks for everybody who called in.
Cornish is yet again the winner.
And you know what?
Even if I hadn't been, I would have rigged it because Adam's not here to find me out.
Here are the Smiths with How Soon is Now.
I'm the sun and the air I'm a shiner that is criminal and global I'm some man, but nothing in particular They shut you down, how can you say?
I go back in the wrong way
I'll strike everybody else down I'm the sun and the air
All the shyness that was criminally vulgar I am the summoner Of nothing in particular Should you know, how can you say I know bad things the wrong way
Like everybody else
There's a club that you've got to go You've kept me tumbling, I really love you
Man, that was less epic than I remember it being.
Doesn't epic mean it's supposed to be very long?
How long was that?
It was 3 minutes and 38 seconds.
Oh, well it's got an epic quality to it, right?
Just in the guitars.
There we go, thanks very much to everybody who called in and voted for that.
Yet again, Cornish wins.
Making it my fifth win in a row?
I think so.
If anyone was, you know, if I had the kind of personality where I actually cared about this kind of thing, then I'd be very pleased with myself.
Well, that's almost it for this week.
Thanks very much, everybody, for listening.
And I should tell you that Adam and I are going to be here next weekend, which is, of course, Christmas Eve.
Lovely, cuddly, warm and friendly Christmas Eve, the day before Jesus's birthday.
And we're going to be doing a very special show from our little shack.
in the middle of Leicester Square if anyone was fortunate or unfortunate enough to hear the same show last year we did the same thing we have a little wooden cabin in the middle of Leicester Square and we light a fire and we play great music and in particular next week we're going to be buying each other presents so this week I've got to go out and buy Adam three stupid presents wrap them up and I'll be giving them to him live on air and vice versa he'll be giving me presents we've got a maximum budget of 20 pounds
Uh, so there should be some fun there.
Uh, and also Christmas Ditties in the Dock, I can exclusively reveal, will be the strangest Christmas songs we can find.
And I found, I think, a pretty weird song.
The most odd, hilarious Christmas films, uh, films?
Songs ever recorded.
That'll be Ditties in the Dock.
Er, next year.
So that's almost it.
And the only one thing we didn't resolve this week, listeners, is whether space cadets is a good thing or a bad thing.
Whether it was inherently evil and made you feel creepy and dirty and soiled, or whether it was brilliant and we could all, with impunity, laugh at other people's expense.
And you know what the balance of the text is, Lila?
No.
It's that it was slightly creepy.
I think nobody came out of that show not feeling a little bit guilty and shameful.
It was kind of like mass televised torture, but strangely and cruelly enjoyable.
That's it.
We'll see you next week.
Have a great Christmas shopping week and we'll be back for our Christmas show.
Bye.