so there you go so he does deserve to be famous after all yes of course he is a star when people ask the question what was uh the ordinary boys hit then that's the answer boys will be boys and it says it's back in the top 40 downloads uh what following preston's appearance on celebrity big brother so that's his name preston yeah didn't you know about preston no
Why?
Because you- I just didn't know his name.
Oh, right.
Cuthbert, Julian, I didn't know what he was called.
He is very much the ordinary boy of the Big Brother house at the moment.
Erm, so you've got no opinion on Preston, Joe Cornish, is that right?
Not- not really, no.
Hello, we're Adam and Joe, incidentally.
Welcome.
If you're a new listener, it's great to have you aboard.
I think you're gonna have a good time.
for the next hour and 50 minutes.
If you're a regular listener, hey, it's great to see you again.
You look cool.
And we've got great prizes to give away today.
We've got Look Around You DVDs.
You know Look Around You, don't you, Adam, cos you were in it.
I think I was in that series, yeah.
Look Around You, the brilliant spoof science show that was on BBC Two.
That's the hot comedy DVD, I'd say, of the month.
You know what I'm hoping?
Cos they've got a commentary on there, don't they?
I'm hoping that when my bit pops up, they'll talk about me.
They probably will.
That would be exciting.
That would be a first for me to be talked about on a DVD commentary.
Yeah, if you win this, you'll be getting it a full day and a half before its official release on Monday.
Well, you won't be getting it actually till after the official release.
Cos the post is very slow and XFM are slightly useless about sending prizes.
So just go and buy it anyway on Monday.
Look around you.
Sorry, Lila.
Look, you see, she's outraged Lila very early on in the show about saying useless things.
Can I say what we've also got?
We've also got tickets to the premiere of A Cock and Bull Story.
Which I haven't even seen yet.
That's got Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon and a host of other talents in it.
And that's on Monday as well.
Everything's happening on Monday.
Monday?
Monday's the new Friday.
We'll tell you how to win those later.
That's exciting.
It's got basically everybody who's anybody in British comedy in it.
Are you going to the premiere?
I've seen it already.
No, I'm not going to the premiere.
I want to go to the premiere.
Well, you can't.
I haven't even seen it.
I tell you what, if a single person wins it, a single lady or a man, maybe a man that lives on Brokeback Mountain, you could go with them to the premiere.
I could take the popper you gave me for Christmas.
Don't talk about that now.
I might talk about it later.
But you know what, I don't think I could go anyway because I think I might go and see one of the Boosh's preview shows on Monday.
Good idea.
The Mighty Boosh are warming up for a UK tour.
Yeah.
And I think I'm gonna try and see them on Monday evening.
Yeah, I've seen them already, Adam.
So, listen, have you... Yeah, seen the warm- seen it, done it.
And they were good, were they?
Amazing.
Oh, I can't wait.
It went on for so long, about three hours.
No, three hours?
Yeah.
Cos it's so sort of unkempt, cos they're just practising it, ready for its move to wherever it's moving to.
The big tour.
Around the country.
And it was chaotic.
If you're a Boosh fan, I highly recommend going to see them in their warm-up gigs, cos they go on forever, there's loads of improvisation, it's very chaotic.
Sounds like a kind of Bob Dylan gig.
Yeah.
Unpredictable.
That's good, cos I hate anything that's kempt.
Gary Kent.
Oh, dear.
So please tell me you've been watching Big Brother this week, Joe.
I know it's one of those things everyone's talking about, but with good reason, I would say.
Yeah.
Shall we play some music first before we get into the brothers?
Yeah, absolutely, but I just wanted to check.
Yeah, rubber.
I wanted to make sure I was gonna be able to get some brother action out of you.
OK, music now.
This is Ben Folds with Landed.
Yes, that's Ben Folds.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We should just say we were just talking about the Mighty Boosh's warm-up gigs.
Where are they, Adam?
Oh, man, I'm not sure.
Because some people have texted in, they're somewhere up in North London in a- in a little theatre.
Off the Caledonian Road somewhere.
Yeah, they're not, er, and you just- how do you get tickets?
I don't know, you just turn up and join a huge queue.
But if you look, er, on the internet, the Mighty Boosh have a website and that'll have everything on.
So there you go, Hannah in Tooting.
Uh, pursue that line of inquiry.
You know, I should say what else we've got to give away as well.
We got five copies of, uh, the Bad News Bears, Richard Linklater's remake with Billy Bob Thornton.
Richard Linklater did that?
Yeah.
Yeah, he did done it.
He done it.
What's he thinking about?
That wasn't good, was it?
It's funny.
Mm, not really, but quite funny.
right yeah uh yeah it was good come on they've given them to us to get away we should be nice about them it's a curiosity though i was just uh it's got some really funny stuff it's got some unpc unpc yeah yeah uh but you know bits with kids kids drinking booze smoking fags i hate pc good you know pc we've also got copies of the old grey whistle we've got what the old grey whistle test the definitive collection
Uh... Four discs, man.
That's the whole... Look at that.
The whole whistle test and three pairs of tickets to see the Rakes at the Shepherd's Bush empire.
So we've got too much stuff.
Basically everyone who wins anything or gets on will get an amazing prize today.
So for God's sake, keep listening.
I might have to steal some of this stuff.
look at that over a hundred rarely seen archive performances can't beat the whistle test now look you know listeners you might agree with me but i i'm just basically fed up of of talking about big brother and i know you want to talk about big brother but everything you turn on they're talking about big brother well you don't watch the stuff man the radio listening is on the radio everyone on the radio is talking about it of course they are because it's bringing the nation together it's an event i want to talk about soapy soapy soapy stars
you can talk about that later singing soapy stars but i want to talk about big brother for a while more people are watching soapy superstars that's not true it is by a million that's not it is true there's a million like big brother gets about four or five soapy singing soapy stars gets eight or seven people a million more people watch soapy stars why don't you get off your get it off your chest then what about soapy superstars which i haven't seen i'm not watching it
You're not watching it.
No, I'm watching Big Brother.
What are you talking about, then?
Just trying to talk about something fresh.
Soapy superstars.
So listen, Big Brother, though, it's been extraordinary.
Wednesday night, when basically all the housemates rounded on Jodie, who the ludicrous people of Great Britain evicted from the house last night, was just amazing.
That was one of the most amazing things I've seen on TV.
And I say this with misgivings, because the whole thing obviously leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.
Don't you reckon?
Yeah.
I was saying last week that I thought it was sort of a shame that they've got Barrymore in there.
A bit of a disgrace.
Cos the man is nuts.
He's totally mental.
In my personal opinion, not the opinion of XFM.
You know what I mean?
He's completely on the edge.
And you sort of think like, well, how did he pass any kind of mental examination to get into the place, don't you reckon?
Because presumably, for non-celebrities, when they do Big Brother, they have to go through quite a rigorous psych evaluation.
to establish whether they will be adversely affected by appearing on the programme.
Partly because, out of respect for the people who take part, they don't want them to be hurt, but partly to cover their own asses, OK?
Cos they don't want to get sued when someone tries to open a vein on national television.
But I don't understand how Barrymore slipped through that whole net and turned up there.
I don't know, you see, I vacillate between thinking it's all a sham.
You reckon?
Yeah.
What, Barrymore just putting it all on?
Well, before they go in, they just say, look, none of this is real, it's a panto, overdo everything, make a drama out of any crisis, er, and none of it's real.
That's what Davina said when Jodie came out.
She whispered to her, it's just a bit, it's a big panto.
Nanny McVeena?
Yeah.
D'Vena McPhee.
I don't really like D'Vena.
Mmm.
But, um, I thought it was, um... Because Barrymore's the real rotter of the piece, do you not think?
You start off feeling a bit sorry for him cos he's a damaged man and he keeps sneaking off for siggies in a little cry.
Yeah.
But then you think, why don't you sort yourself out of the way he hectors everyone and says, shut up, shut up, no, listen to me, shut up, no, listen, no, listen, shut up, you don't listen, you see, that's the thing, shut up, say something, Joe, say something.
Er... Shut up, you don't listen, you see, just say something, Joe.
You see, it's all about you, isn't it?
It's all about you trying to speak.
Well, you can't, so shut up.
That's all he does.
Yeah.
It's exhausting.
It is exhausting.
He's mad.
He's bananas.
And Galloway?
Any opinions on Galloway?
Not really.
Er, no.
He looks a bit like Hitler.
I don't know.
No, I tell you what, he looks a bit like... reminds me a bit of your dad, Adam.
You're right.
A bit of bad dad.
He reminded me of my dad as well.
Yeah, and I kind of like him.
And what about Rodman?
Where do you stand on Rodman?
Rod-man.
Mm.
Well, he's...
Yeah, there's an alternative name for him that's too rude to say on the radio.
But he just stares at women's bits all the time, doesn't he?
He's quite- I think he's quite revolting.
And when they move, he just shifts his position in his seat so he can retain his angle on their bits.
Yeah, exactly.
And everything he says is about sex.
Mm.
If I was a woman, I wouldn't want to be left alone in a room with him.
With the rod man.
And the more I watched him, you know, he sort of speaks with a lot of kind of guttural noises and stuff.
I've got a little bit of Rodman to play you now, just to remind you how he speaks.
Oh no, that's the mighty Coldplay.
Here we go.
Here's a bit of Rodman.
I'm just not even in tune with the names, you see.
I just like to see the people, I sit the people, you know, so I probably know one person's name, that's Maggot, because it's like Maggot.
see he just sort of mumbles his way through his life and then he kind of makes these noises he reminded me of what what uh personality in a film what character in a film does that remind you of man i don't know someone out of a cartoon kind of well here we go here's here's vincent denofrio in men in black tell me this doesn't sound like uh dennis rodman
A man came in here earlier.
He was a very dear friend of mine.
I believe he had an animal with him.
It was a gift I gave him.
A pet cat!
That's good, yeah, that is true.
He just talks like this.
What's it like having sex with a Persian woman?
That's what he's like.
Now listen, we can talk more about Big Brother a bit later.
I've got a few more things to get off my chest, including the sound of Rula Lenska's voice, which I want to deal with.
But we've got a free play right now.
This is one of yours, Joe.
Do you want to introduce it?
Yeah, this is called Nukeproof Suit by Jest.
I love this.
Yes, the sound of UK hip-hop pressure on the Tim Westwood show here on XFM.
London's 104.9 macking the black plastic when it's pure fire.
Lick it twice.
Pimp my ride.
That's what he does now.
Does that sound anything like Tim Westwood?
Yeah, it does.
Pimp my ride.
Nice.
Does he say Pimp My Ride?
Well, he presents it, so he must say it in meetings.
Of course he says it, yeah.
He probably says it in meetings.
Pimp My Ride.
USA presents Pimp My Ride.
He doesn't do it very well.
He's ruined Pimp My Ride.
You can't get a vicar's son to present Pimp My Ride.
He's not a very good presenter, is he, Westwood?
I love him.
Oh, because I'm not saying we don't love him.
Yeah, he's not as good as DMX when it comes to Pimping My Ride.
Yeah.
So who was that song by?
That's Jest.
Jest.
Yeah, J-E-H-S-T.
He's fantastic.
Nukeproof suit.
I love that.
I rock a nukeproof suit.
When I'm in the club, I rock a nukeproof suit.
That's what he says.
There you go.
Joe Cornish rocking his nukeproof suit here on XFM.
That goes out to anybody who's painting and decorating.
Yeah, there's a lot of people that do paint and decorate and listen to this show.
Or anybody who's still in their pyjamas.
I've got a surprise for you now, Joe.
What?
It's like a series of short plays.
Oh, Jesus.
Uh, with loads of different actors, um, talking in different voices and stuff, and little stories in little 30-second chunks.
Oh, gay cowboys.
Um, and I really think you're gonna enjoy it, okay?
And after I play this series of little plays, we're gonna do some more- have some more music, and then- Oh, are they sponsored plays?
They're kind of like sponsored plays.
Right, sponsored plays sponsored by products and services.
Sometimes, yes.
Generally, mainly, yes, they are.
OK.
But I think you're going to enjoy them.
I'm ready.
And, er, very soon we've got a competition coming up.
I think it's celebrity regression therapy for you, er, in the next ten minutes.
So stay tuned and enjoy the short sponsored plays.
Yeah, that's You Two with Vertigo, the first single to be taken from the band's 11th album, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb.
Which was last year.
Yeah.
Always got the facts.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM, London's 104.9.
But also now in Scotland.
But are they hearing us in Scotland?
Lila?
Are they?
Hello, Scotland.
Get ready because it's competition time.
You could win a DVD or tickets to a show You just never know So sharpen up your brain and get ready to play
So yes, it's time for Celebrity Regression, the part of the show when we put Adam into a regressed state and he enters the mind and films of a film star and you have to guess the name of the star and the films he's actually in.
They're happening around him and you just relate what you see live on the radio.
Yeah, it's a kind of extraordinary psychic event.
How do you feel when you wake up from your Celebrity Regression, Adam?
I've never asked you this before because you're presumably not aware of what's happening when you're under.
No, I'm glad you've asked me.
It's really very difficult for me.
I sometimes feel like we're running out of time.
Going off and having a ciggie and a little cry.
Really?
So the person who wins the competition today can have their choice of the cock and bull premiere tickets, the old grey whistle test DVDs, the look around you DVDs.
Can't have them all, but can have one of them.
That's like a smorgasbord.
Do you mind if I use that word?
What is a smorgasbord?
A smorgasbord.
It's like a big table with a load of amazing prizes.
Is it a religious thing, a smorgasbord?
Now, I think a smorgasbord is a- Is it Dutch?
I don't know.
Swedish, there you go.
It's a Dutch, er, like a buffet.
Wow.
OK.
But this is like an English prize buffet.
And the number to call is 0-8-7-1-222-1049.
0-8-7-1-222-1049.
If you want to win any of those amazing prizes, er, listen very carefully.
Are we going to do it now?
Yeah, I think this is a relatively easy one this week as well, so... OK, here we go.
So let's ring the regression bell.
atmosphere of calm descends on the studio and in the rooms and houses and cars and ears of our listeners.
Adam starts to feel emotional as he drops into unconsciousness and drifts back, back, back, back, back, all the way back to before he was a little baby, before he was a little spermatozoa, before he was a glint in his daddy's eye.
And now he's entering the mind and films of a film star.
So Adam, wake up, tell us what you can see in the first film.
I'm in the front room of our suburban house and it's crazy looking.
I'm here with my brother who's very strange.
He's a very strange looking guy but I'm strange looking too.
I've got a lot of small teeth and a shrunken face and I'm precociously talented.
This house is crazy with day glow colors and crazy things are happening everywhere but for some reason it's incredibly boring.
It's mainly the fault of this guy in an elaborate costume who just turned up and started to get all crazy on our asses jumping on the furniture and shouting and improvising lines that really don't belong in this film but I can't be blamed
cause the signs were good and it turned out bad despite my precocious talons and teeth and shrunken face and the teeth my talons okay just relax Adam's receding from that film and he's going to enter a second film I know what that one was
I think.
Okay, Adam, please enter a second film.
Wake up and tell us what you can see.
there we go that's the second film remember oh eight seven one triple two one oh four nine don't hesitate to call as soon as you recognize sorry little burp the another little burp as soon as you recognize the actor in the films oh it's seven one triple two one oh four nine adam please enter the third and final film
I'm in a big grand room, which is lit moodily.
It's what we call moodily lit.
And it's fancy because my dad is an industrialist, and he's worried that somebody's gonna kidnap me, which of course they will, because otherwise there, you know, wouldn't be much of a story.
But he sent a man to protect me, and he's a damaged man like Michael Barrymore, but he doesn't go off in
cry and smoke sickies every five minutes he just borrows his brow and he never smiles because he's got a backstory but I've made it my mission to make him smile again using my precocious talents and my vast array of tiny teeth and my shrunken face nice my tiny shrunken face
There we go, listeners.
Adam is going to remain in a regressed state until someone calls 0871 222 1049 and correctly names the three films he was regressed into and the name of the film star he was inhabiting.
For God's sake, call now!
That was Graham Coxon with Standing On My Own Again.
It's the first single to be taken from the former guitarist's sixth solo album, Love Travels at Illegal Speeds.
That's a great track.
So Adam is still regressed into the mind and films of a famous film star.
Listen to those little noises.
He's totally unaware that he's making those noises.
Maybe he'll say something revealing about himself.
Nuttys.
He's got nutties.
Quite revealing.
And we got a caller on the line who thinks they know the answer.
Hello, Sean.
Hi, how you doing?
Very, very well.
How are you doing?
I'm doing very well, yeah.
What are you up to this afternoon?
I'm actually going to my nanny's, it's her birthday today.
Nanny McPhee?
Nanny Foley, yeah.
Is she very ugly?
Does she bring magical donkeys to the house?
She's not, she's a lovely nanny.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insinuate she was lovely.
Well that would be charming.
And you think you know the name of the star who Adam's been regressed into?
Uh, hopefully I do, yeah.
It's, uh... Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sean, stay calm, because this is... Jump the gun, jump the gun.
You jump the gun, and this is a medical situation.
If you say the wrong thing at the wrong time, you could damage Adam's brain irreparably.
It's already severely damaged from all the booze and poppers that he does.
Understandable.
Um, poppers.
Um, sorry, just laughing at the word, poppers.
Uh, so who do you think it is?
If basically you say the name of the star, then there's three films.
He'll only wake up if you get all exactly right, Sean, if you'd like to give me your guess now.
Excellent.
Dakota Fanning.
The films are Hide and Seek, War of the Worlds, and Man on Fire.
Now, how did you get Hide and Seek?
How did I get Hide and Seek?
Yeah.
What was your process of deduction?
Well, I knew the second film I devised.
It was Dakota Fanning.
And then I just tried to think why the film she was in.
OK.
Well, that's very logical.
Hide and Seek is the one with Robert De Niro, is it?
That's correct.
And there's mysterious messages written in blood appearing on the mirrors.
I believe so.
I've not actually seen it.
I've just seen the front cover of the DVDs.
Oh, well, that's good enough these days.
Let's see whether you're right.
Adam, are you going to wake up?
No, you're wrong.
I'm wrong.
You haven't got all three films, Sean.
Oh, god damn.
You got one of them wrong.
Do you want a consolation prize?
That'd be fantastic, something to send me off to my nan's with, yeah.
Yeah, do you like, er, what would you like, Old Grey Whistle Test or Look Around You?
Er, Look Around You.
Very good choice.
Funniest DVD of the year in the shops on Monday.
Thanks for calling, Sean.
Excellent, thanks for your time.
Let's go to Gary, who might have got that last film right.
Hello, Gary.
Hello.
OK, Gary, as you know, Medical Circumstance Adam is still under.
If you'd like to say the name of the star and all three films again, let's see if he wakes up.
Go for it.
There's Dakota Fanning, it's Wanda Wells, Man on Fire and Cat in the Hat.
Oh, yes, that's fantastic.
He's correct.
Absolutely correct.
Good stuff.
Are you a fan of Dakota Fanning, Gary?
Not at all.
Why not?
She's quite annoying, isn't she, really?
Now why is she annoying?
Because she's like, it's as if she's been in drama school for 20 years, but she's only six.
Is that why she's annoying?
No.
I mean, she's a- she's a talented poppet.
She's a child, Gary.
She's a talented child poppet.
What are you gonna do?
But come on, Gary- I know what Gary's talking about.
It's the fact that she looks like a shrunken grandma.
And she has the demeanour of a sort of precocious 35-year-old woman.
It's very unsettling, that's all.
Who's the little boy in the Sixth Sense again?
What's his name?
That's right.
They should go out, shouldn't they?
They should.
Can you imagine?
They'd be the hottest couple in Hollywood.
Wow, what kind of conversations would they have?
They'd sit there and they'd talk about John Paul Sartre and stuff like that.
You still with us, Gary?
Quite a depressing couple.
Would you have them round to dinner and get quite depressed?
Oh, I've got Dakota Fenning and what's his name again?
Haley Joel.
So, listen, Gary, congratulations.
Absolutely correct.
Thanks very much for calling in.
Would you like a copy of the Old Grey Whistle Test?
All four of the DVDs currently available on one bumper set, or a copy of Look Around You?
Was the second one again?
It was Look Around You or Old Grey Whistle Test?
I'll have a look around you.
Sensible man, that's both look around you's gone.
Testament to its quality.
Thanks very much indeed for your call.
Thanks for everyone who called in.
Thanks to everyone who called in, even.
That was Celebrity Regression Therapy.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We'll be back very shortly.
Did you enjoy the plays before, incidentally, Joe?
Yeah, are there more?
Did you like the one with David Kidd Jensen talking about the best game in the world?
Talking about Christmas gifts.
Yeah, they're getting in early for Christmas, aren't they?
I think that play might have crept in there by accident.
But anyway, we've got some more for you right now.
Theater Time.
Yes, it's Theater Time on XFM.
Excess values.
There you go.
That is Bell and Sebastian with their new single, which is called Funny Little Frog.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We were just talking about Big Brother there.
Joe feels as if there's absolutely nothing possibly left to say about Big Brother that hasn't been said about a million times already on various radio and TV stations around the world.
I think that's probably true, but I haven't been watching that much Big Brother coverage myself.
The only thing I have watched, actually, is Russell Brand's show, Big Brother's Big Mouth.
Now, I like him, he's really good.
He is really good, isn't he?
Yeah, he says such mad things and all the people sitting around him don't seem to acknowledge them.
The other day he approached a woman who had her hand up.
This is, what's the show called?
Big Brother's Big Mouth.
Yeah, on E4, and it gets repeated on Channel 4.
And he goes, oh, I see you've got an opinion coming out of your mouth.
Look at it, coming out of your mouth like a great big boiled cabbage.
And, er, it was quite insulting, really.
But it's just water off a duck's back.
No-one cares.
He is- he's sort of bananas.
I mean, he's- he was genuinely bananas for a little bit, I think.
But- but listen, we were having this discussion.
I was saying to Adam, I find it a bit difficult to talk about Big Brother, cos I- I can't say anyth- I feel like I've got nothing new to say about it.
Mm.
Everyone's seen everything and everyone's talked- But I like hearing all the old things come out of your mouth like a big cabbage.
Well, you're very nice.
But it gave us an idea for a text competition.
And the competition is, can you think of anything, any comment about Big Brother that hasn't been said before?
Any new observation?
Anything?
Anything that we haven't heard said before?
Text 83XFM and we'll give you an amazing prize if you can think of a fresh thing to say about Big Brother.
It needn't necessarily make any sense.
And it needn't be true.
It can't be totally stupid.
It's got to pertain to something.
Yeah, it would be- I think you'd get extra points if it did make sense and if it was a fresh, exciting original observation.
Yeah.
Cos what can- I mean, it can't be Jodie Marsh is an idiot.
It can't be Jodie Marsh is brilliant.
It can't be Dennis Rodman is, er, weird sexually.
It- what else do people say?
It can't be about George Galloway being a cat.
But that was amazing.
It can't be Rula Lenska's leopardy bum.
It can't be Michael Barrymore's evil or Michael Barrymore's good.
Er, what could it be?
If you think you've got any original observation to make about Big Brother, then text 83XFM and we'll give you a fantastic prize.
Maybe even these Cock & Bull premiere tickets, but we feel they're such a hot prize.
Yeah.
We're waiting for the right moment to give them away.
Yeah, you've got to do something pretty amazing for those tickets.
Erm, well, in the meantime, I'd like to continue making some, er, what may well be
old observations about Little Big Brother.
But I've been enjoying it so much.
I haven't enjoyed a series of Big Brother for a very long time, this much.
And I'm just curious to see how the whole thing unfolds, obviously, and whether there is any serious disruption within the house.
I hope, obviously, for the welfare of the people taking part, that nothing too terrible happens.
But the whole place is really alive with the idea that something really terrible might actually kick off, don't you reckon?
Or do you think that it's all completely safe?
I- I- No, just- just a, um, a complete meltdown, um, psychic meltdown.
Probably Barrymore, obviously, is the one most likely to melt down.
You see, you've had that before.
There's got to be some sort of a- a killing or, um, an attempt or maybe a ritual sacrifice.
Well, exactly.
What would happen if someone did attempt?
Cos they've already had a fight.
They've already had to call the police.
Yeah.
Where else can it go?
Did they call the cops in the last series?
Do you know what I think?
Here's a possibly original observation about this series of Big Brother, is that it's like John Carpenter's film The Thing.
I think there might be an evil entity in there, a supernatural entity.
It was hosted by Barrymore, he bought it in.
Then very late one night, he didn't see this on camera or maybe if you were watching the live coverage, he just went up to Jodie Marsh, opened his mouth and went,
And this glowing spirit came out of his mouth and into her mouth.
Isn't that, like, Fallen with Denzel Washington?
Maybe it is.
It's like, sort of, there has to be one evil person.
Yeah.
And this evil baton is being passed.
Barrymore controls it.
He's the evil emperor.
In that hood.
Pete, what's his name, is hugging it quite a lot as well.
Um, and I think maybe this ties in with something I wanted to say about Rula Lensker, because sometimes she's virtually speaking in tongues.
You know, if you're not actually watching the screen and you're not aware that it's her on there, you think, who's that bloke talking?
I didn't know they had an extra bloke in there.
Do you know what I'm saying?
With Rula's voice.
Listen to this.
This is Rula's voice, OK?
My first nomination would be Dennis.
He's a huge, very highly sexed man, who it seems only gets real pleasure out of when the gym is open.
And the other thing that I find a little bit difficult is the constant sexual innuendo.
You've slowed that down, you naughty bugger.
Tiny bit.
But she sounds like she's processing a burp.
Do you know how when you're saying a sentence, a burp comes into your mouth?
Yeah, she's like that.
I like her though.
I like her.
I like all the old people in there.
I liked her until she started treating Galloway like a cat and he started digging it and it became the most revoltingly sexual thing I've ever seen.
Oh, come on.
Some old people doing.
It was extraordinary.
That was the most offensive thing.
I liked it.
Did you?
Yeah.
Why, because you like cats?
Well, I just don't care.
I think people should be allowed to behave like cats.
I don't know.
It's not illegal.
I'm pretty sure they shouldn't.
It's fun.
I thought her elephant was very good.
Anyway, remember, if you can think of anything original to say about Big Brother, text 83XFM.
Anything.
We've already got some contenders.
We'll be coming back a bit later to find out who's won the big prize.
Her elephant was good, but the gibbon she did when she was bashing on her breasts just made me think, don't bash your breasts like that.
That's not good for your breasts.
Oh, they're quite droopy, so she went high.
Constant sexual innuendo.
XFM.
Yeah, that's Katie Tunstall with Under The Weather.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
London's 104.9.
Britain's... Well, it's got different numbers, hasn't it, depending on where in Britain you're listening to it.
Yeah.
There we go.
So stay tuned, because later in the show we'll be playing Ditties in the Dock and giving away copies of the Bad News Bears, Richard Linklater's remake of the classic 70s Walter Mattow comedy.
Well, I'm hoping it's a walkover this week so we can resolve it within three calls, then I can walk off with one of the copies.
That would be good.
You know?
Yeah.
Vice versa.
Me too.
Um, but for now... Imagine if it was a copy of Vice Versa.
that's it with fred savage yeah was that fred as a body swap film isn't it with fred savage and an old man uh it was fred savage and the bloke from beverly hills cop um oh yeah what's his name what is his name obviously not eddie murphy the other guy and he's in uh randall tick box oh jimmy's finger yeah he's in outrageous fortune yeah exactly
Yes!
Thank you.
Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold.
So listen, just to stop talking about Big Brother for a bit, I've been watching some other late night TV and like many people with cable I often end up watching those infomercials.
Right, I thought you were going to say something else.
No, sometimes I don't pay for that sort of stuff so I end up having to watch infomercials and I just came across what I think is the most stupid useless product
ever to be sold on television.
That's a bold claim.
It is a bold claim.
And it's not so much that the product is useless, it's also the way he sells it.
So there's this bloke, and I don't know whether you've seen this, but it's one of those infomercials that's sort of shot in a shopping centre and they've set up a table and they're displaying their wares and there's grannies gathered round and stuff.
It goes on for about 15 minutes.
And they're magic pens.
What's magic about them?
Well there's coloured pens and then there's this white pen that you use to draw on top of the coloured pens and it erases them.
So basically it's 20 pens and an erasing pen.
And then they've also got stamps that you draw all over with this stinky erasing pen and then you can stamp your name on it and stuff.
They do brilliant things, Christmas trees, snow, it's ideal and really cheap.
But you know also in these adverts, they throw things in, don't they?
Just when you think it's... Every time you think it's quite a good bargain, they'll stick something else in and you'll think, wow, that really is.
That's a double bargain.
A double bargain.
So not only are you getting the pens and the stamps, but then he throws this in and if you play clip one, we'll see what he throws in.
And the other thing I didn't show you are these fab new spira magics.
If you've not seen these before, these are great.
So he's talking about a spirograph.
A spira magic.
No, he's not, Adam.
Is he?
You know what a spirograph is, don't you?
Yeah, it was like a sort of plastic template that you would anchor with a pin and then you would make swirly-wirly patterns.
Yeah, it was such fun.
Well, this isn't a spirograph.
This isn't a battery-operated electric spirograph.
that does the spirographing for you.
Listen to the next clip, listen to how he sells it.
All you do with these, pop in a couple of pens, and these will work with any felt tips.
Press the button, and as it goes around it's going to cheat like mad, and give you all the old spirograph effects that used to take you hours.
This is going to do all the work for you, and they work with any felt tip pens if you've already got some.
Finally, the labour-saving device that the world's been waiting for.
Yeah, all those sweatshops with all those kids doing all the- Oh, they're- I've got to do a hundred spirograph designs today.
Have you done your spirographs?
Mum, please!
Is that not the most useless thing ever to be sold on telly?
That is profoundly useless.
That's the end of that.
Did you, um- I wonder how much the pens would cost.
Do you think it would be- 19.99.
Oh, right.
I was thinking that maybe it was 20 pens.
That's Stiff Little Fingers with Alternative Ulster.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
So you reckon- Adam's saying that he thinks he's beaten me at Ditties in the Dark.
You think it's gonna be a walkover?
Oh, no, I didn't say that.
No, I said if it- if it is a walkover.
Yeah.
But I bet you'll walk it, man.
Shall we say what we're- what we're gonna, er... Yeah, the category this week is, er, child singing stars, yeah?
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
And how old, er, do you have to be to qualify as a child singing star?
I'd say under 16.
OK.
That legally constitutes a child.
Yeah.
These days.
Sorry, I've got some coughing to do.
Why?
Wow.
That's an authoritative cough.
I was supposed to fade my mic down and I just pressed the pre-fade, so I coughed right in your face there.
I'm really sorry about that.
Shocking.
Listeners.
So you reckon- what, are you ridiculously confident that you've got a superior song sung by a child singer?
No, I'm not at all confident.
I've got quite a weird one.
And it's one of the ones that I'm really gonna rely on the curiosity of the XFM listeners rather than the fact that, you know, they're familiar with the track.
Well, I've got a slam dunk.
Yeah, you reckon?
I think so.
It's not Jacko.
Neither of us have bought Jacko.
No.
Or Stevie Wonder.
Or Wonder.
Or any of the... Or Dakota Fanning.
No, I went off... Has she released a single?
I'm sure she's working on some new material.
But it'll probably end up sounding like late Joni Mitchell.
Like a little shriveled old Joni Mitchell.
But, um, no, I'm not totally confident that I'm gonna win it.
Boy, I really- I really wanna pitch mine.
I've got a few incidental, uh, things to play in support of my case as well.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, that's good.
And, of course, those copies of the Bad News Bears going as prizes, uh, and that's coming up towards the end of the show.
We're only talking about this because we can't leave anything else to say.
Well, no, listen, man.
Do you remember last week you were talking about Coldplay being played?
Yeah.
That's on clocks, obviously.
Yes.
Which is, I suppose a lot of people working in TV now would probably avoid using clocks because of, you know, the fact that it has been grotesquely overused.
As background for sort of documentaries and stuff.
Documentaries.
Reality telly basically uses Coldplay all the time.
Yeah, reality TV, documentary sports programs, I mean it's a very rousing emotional piece of music, you know, and it pretty much dignifies or makes exciting anything that it's played over.
Well this is what we were asking last week, is there anything that it would be inappropriate to do to the music of Coldplay?
Is there anything, any kind of program, anything?
Is there anything that would sound wrong to Coldplay?
I mean, I think that if people phoned in and just read the ingredients from the back of a packet that they had in their kitchen... To the sound of Coldplay?
To the sound of Coldplay, it would become exciting and moving.
Let's try it.
0 8 7 1, triple 2, 1 0 4 9.
Maybe this is how we'll give away those tickets to see the premiere of Cock and Bull, the new film with Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan.
We've got tickets for the premiere on Monday night.
If you think you can read, uh, the back of a packet... Yeah, all the ingredients and something boring, something very boring, like the instructions from... I was gonna say... The instructions to the latest gadget you bought, maybe.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
The warranty warning.
That's a good one.
Yeah, the copyright warning on the back of a DVD.
Call 0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine right now.
0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine.
Uh, we'll get you on, we'll put clocks behind it, and I bet we'll all shed a tear.
I think we will.
Yeah.
I'm just thinking about it, choking up a little bit.
It would be good if you were a very boring sounding person as well.
You know, if you really have a dull voice, even duller than mine or Joe's, then give us a call and read some instructions from the back of... Yeah, you've got to be free on Monday night as well.
And 15 or over, because that's what certificate the film is.
Look, I'm going to play you a little clip now, OK?
Now you have to judge, this is just for you Joe Cornish, whether this is real use of Coldplay or not.
and most intriguing of all was this slab of Italian marble with marks on it here which indicate that it may have been attached to a high-status building.
But was it?
And if so, was the high-status building in this field?
The islanders are really excited about it and want Time Team to solve the mystery.
And as usual, we've got just three days to come up with some answers.
Yeah.
That's the perfect expression of the excitement of the islanders.
Absolutely.
And three days.
They've only got three days to come.
You see?
Now, I've no idea whether that's real or not, cos it fits perfectly.
Once again, Coldplay providing the perfect backing to a film about... a programme about archaeology.
Yeah.
Time team.
the program about archaeology.
Yeah.
Thanks, man.
Well, that's not real.
That's, er, that was... What?
Yeah, it seems extraordinary.
But that was invented for the purposes of demonstration.
But listen, get calling now.
0-8-7-1-2-2-1-0-4-9 if you want to go and see Cock and Bull Story, the premiere, even, on Monday.
And, er, and, erm, if you've got a boring voice, you know, that's an advantage.
But it's not completely necessary.
Is it time for some music?
It's time for some music and this is a band called Block Party, Joe.
I believe that you're a big, big fan.
I've never heard of them.
Block Party and the song is called Banquet.
Come on, facts, Cornish.
What?
Give us some facts.
About that record?
Oh, God!
You weren't ready with your facts.
Is that still Bloke Party?
Yeah, that was Bloke Party.
Yeah, that's the re-issue of the London quartet's second single.
Originally came out in April last year.
This new version can also be found on their Mercury-nominated debut album Silent Alarm.
Comes back with some amazing Bloke Party-based facts.
Thanks very much, Joe Cornish.
Now, we've had an overwhelming response to the notion that people could call in and read something boring to the sound of Coldplay.
And who've got first on the line?
Can I just tell you who we- we had loads of really good suggestions.
Somebody wanted to read the back of an oyster card.
Who was that, Lila?
That would have been Mark.
Mark.
That's a really nice idea and I wanted to hear that but unfortunately we don't have time.
Somebody wanted to read the back of a paint can.
That was Steve, the painter and decorator.
Steve, but we do have three callers who are now going to attempt to win these tickets to the Cock and Bull premiere by reading some sort of text off the back of something to The Sound of Coldplay.
Now, this first caller is kind of a celebrity caller, in a way.
Yeah.
Andy.
Andy, I believe this is Andy.
Are you Andy Riley, Andy?
Yes, I'm Andy Riley.
Hello, Andy, and Andy, you are one of the writers of, amongst other things, Black Books and the new series Hyperdrive, is that right?
I am, yeah.
Yeah, and also you wrote on the last series of Little Britain, didn't you, Andy?
you.
Well done.
And you- and you- you did- not the weeing.
Not responsible for the weeing.
And you also- don't you write the Bunny Suicides book?
Is that right?
Yeah.
You must be a millionaire off the Bunny Suicides.
It's done alright, yeah.
I mean, they sell in Finland as well.
The Japanese ones are about to come out.
really it'll go great guns there man because the japanese like to torture fluffy animals yeah cuteness and violence they go for that in a big way so listen andy what are you going to read to the music of coldplay today i was just doing the show listening to my tax return i'm not looking to my test i'm doing my tax return
You were doing the show listening to your tax return.
Yes, I was listening to my tax return.
And so I thought, how about some of my expenses for the 2004 to 2005.
That sounds really moving.
OK, let's see how moving it becomes to the music of Coldplay.
We're going to give you about 20 seconds or something.
Thanks.
Here we go.
In your own time, Andy.
OK.
1704, art material.
£38.05.
£2,704, travel card. £20.20.
7-7-0-4.
Postage, 375.
8-7-0-4.
Taxi, £8.80.
9-7-0-4.
Book, £7.99.
Wow, it's amazing.
You see, it works perfectly.
I'm feeling a bit roused, actually.
That was quite touching, wasn't it?
That became like a performance piece there, Andy.
So, listen, Andy, can we keep Andy on the line, or shall we just sort of hang up on everybody and then call the winner back?
We can get Andy back in a second, but if we go to line two, we're going to go to Sandra.
OK, this is, of course, a competition.
Let's see whether anybody can beat that extraordinary start by Andy.
Sandra, are you there?
Thanks very much for calling, incidentally, Andy.
Sandra, hello.
Oh, hello.
How you doing?
I'm doing very well, thank you.
What did you think of that, Sandra?
I thought that was immensely boring.
And what are you going to... Boring?
Yeah, but in a moving way, you mean.
In a very moving way, yes.
And what are you going to read for us, Sandra?
It added to it.
What are you going to read for us, Sandra?
Well, I'm going to read a 17th century nun's prayer.
Now that's, that's dangerous because that is potentially moving in itself.
It could overload, we could have some emotional nervous breakdowns.
It could result in immoverload.
Oh well, you might do well out of phone calls as well.
Is that like Imodium?
It's a little bit like Imodium.
Sort of like emotional Imodium.
Sandra, here comes your music, here comes your 20 seconds.
Best of luck, here we go.
17th century nuns prayer, Lord thou knowest better than I know myself, that I am growing older and will someday be old.
Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject on every occasion.
Release me from my cravings to straighten out everybody's affairs.
Make me thoughtful, but not moody.
Help me not bossy.
With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity.
This is just kind of good advice, though, isn't it?
This is advice that we'd do well to listen to ourselves.
I know, you're trying to tell us something, Sandra.
Too sensible, you see.
That was deeply moving, Sandra, well done, but you know what, I mean, my problem was that that could be lyrics to Coldplay.
Absolutely.
That could have been Coldplay's song.
They were kind of better than your average Coldplay lyric.
That was beautifully done.
I'd say in future you should take note of where these cymbal crashes come in.
Cos when they edit voiceovers to Coldplay on telly, they usually leave a pause for the cymbal crash.
That's right.
But that was really good.
Unfortunately not, but that was good.
I'll tell you one thing you did very well.
The way you read it was very boring.
And that was impressive.
I'd be really grateful to hear that.
What students do you have?
What kind of thing do you teach, Sandra?
I teach design technology.
Design technology?
She teaches the music of Coldplay in the Chris Martin University, East Anglia.
Thank you very much indeed for your call, Sandra.
We've got our final competitor, who's Jack.
Hello, Jack.
Hello.
How are you doing?
I'm good.
Do you think you can beat those two, Jack?
I think I can.
How boring a person are you, generally, Jack?
I tried to make myself boring at least three days a week.
You sound quite boring, so that's a good start.
And Jack, what kind of thing are you going to be reading to go along with the music of Coldplay?
Well, there was a packet of cystitis relief that was lying on the table and I was listening, so I thought, why not?
You're trying to disassociate yourself from the packet of cystitis relief.
Are you a cystitis sufferer, Jack?
Er, no, but someone very close to me is.
Right.
Hang on, what is cystitis?
Cystitis is just about the worst condition in the world.
It stings when you have a wee.
It stings when you have a wee and you feel as if you want to have a wee but you can't get anything out.
It's a nightmare condition.
Have you had it, Adam Bostin?
I've suffered from cystitis once or twice.
Cranberry juice, that's the thing.
How long has it lasted for?
Er, for me it didn't last that long but for women at certain times it can last for hours and it's like hell on earth.
Anyway, that's probably more than anyone needs to know.
Jack, are you ready?
I am.
Here we go.
Cytus relief.
A relief from the symptoms of cystitis in women.
Cystitis is an inflammation of the bladder which causes painful irritation and an unpleasant burning sensation when passing water.
Cystitis relief will make the urine less acidic.
and you should start to see a relief in a few hours.
Wow.
That was extraordinary.
That's got to win it, hasn't it?
Yeah, come on, that's a walkover, surely.
Andy's got enough money because he's a successful comedy writer.
Sandra, you know, is rich in the eyes of Jesus because of her prayers.
Jack, you're poor in every way.
I am.
But that was sensational.
Do you want to go and see the premiere of Cock and Bull Story tomorrow?
Yes.
No, Monday?
I've been dying to sit for ages, yeah.
Well, that's perfect.
Perfect.
Brilliant.
And you know, you deserve to be there, Jack, cos you won that fair and square.
Thank you.
Thank you very much indeed for your call.
Thank you so much, Sandra and Andy as well.
Incidentally, you should catch Andy Riley's new show, Hyperdrive.
I hear lots of good things about it, starring Nick Frost.
Can't remember when it's on.
Thursdays, I think.
Isn't it Wednesday?
Wednesdays or Thursdays?
Wednesdays, 10 on 2.
With a narrative repeat on Sundays, I believe, as well.
Anyway, thanks a lot to all those guys for calling in.
It's, uh, short playtime.
Yes, that's the Future Heads with Hounds of Love.
There's a lot of, um, kind of old music on the playlist this week.
I mean, it's all great music, don't get me wrong.
I'm just saying, we're sort of waiting for the year to get going properly with all the exciting new releases.
Is January generally a quiet time for new music, Lila, our producer?
It can be sometimes a lot of stars, you know, have done their kind of tours, their best hits, greatest hits DVDs.
They're appearing on reality shows.
They have some holiday time.
Yeah.
That's why Maggot went on... What is this, the Adam and Lila show?
BB.
Yeah, Joe, get out.
Yeah.
Me and Lila are talking about music, Joe, OK?
OK.
What are you up to, man?
I'm just going to put this Big Brother text competition to bed.
OK.
Thank you very much to everybody who's texted in.
We've got a lot of texts.
We were asking for an original comment about Big Brother, for someone to say something that no one else has said.
Make an observation that hasn't before been made about the ubiquitous Big Brother.
And we've got some good ones.
Is that the right way to say that word?
Ubiquitous.
Yeah.
I'm just writing one more down.
Just keep talking for a bit.
OK.
But we've had a pretty good response.
Would you say it's been about 50-50?
Cos you read a couple of comments out to me which sounded as if they'd missed the point of the text competition.
Well...
Yeah, let me- I'm ready now, hang on.
Well, when- yeah, I don't know how to pronounce that.
So listen, uh, so- Well in Garden City, is that right?
Here's one, this is an anonymous one, but have you heard anybody say this about Big Brother before?
George's hair reminds me of a long-eared owl or Batman.
George's hair.
I'm trying to think about it.
He's on the cover of the, er, telegraph.
I don't know, how did George Galloway, doing a cat impression, end up on the cover of the Daily Telegraph?
Erm... That's quite... What's your response to that quote, though, Adam?
I don't get it.
I don't really see the similarity.
Yeah, but has anyone ever said that before?
No.
No, they haven't.
OK.
They've none.
It's been none said.
OK.
So that's from Anonymous.
Liam says, I love everyone in the Big Brother house and they all seem like lovely, genuine people who I would love to be best friends with.
That's good.
Nobody's saying that.
Well done, Liam.
That's very good.
Another anonymous person has said, in describing Big Brother,
It's Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
That's sort of insane.
Yeah, but I don't think anyone's probably ever said that about Big Brother.
Just in joy, you know.
Ah, this programme's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
It fits in technically into the parameters of the... That anonymous texter has got it right, I think.
Now, here's someone with a very different take on the whole thing.
Nick, his original comment about Big Brother is this.
Big Brother is a platform for vacuous people looking for 15 minutes of fame.
It's a reflection of the media-fuelled and obsessed society we live in.
I think I might have heard someone saying that before.
He's gone the other way, hasn't he?
Yeah.
But here's a good one, and this for me might be the winner.
Jodie Marsh looks like the snarf maiden from the Moomins.
That's true!
It is true, isn't it?
She does look like a Moomin.
You know, the other thing she looks like is the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Right.
You know?
Yeah.
She certainly might have modelled her nose.
That's true, she's modelled her nose.
That is a weird nose.
That was from Sharm in Whelan.
I think that's right.
But possibly the winner for me is this from George in The Wirral.
And he says, uh, quote, Big brother should include, um, a rule whereby all housemates must sort items on a shelf for some reason.
that probably exists already, doesn't it?
I don't think so.
I don't think any- I don't think anyone's ever said that before, probably.
Well, you know what, my favourite one was Liam, I think.
Which one was that one?
Uh, that they all seem like really nice people.
So if we give the prize to Liam?
Yeah, come on.
Well, what does Liam win?
Um, well, Liam's got a choice, doesn't he?
Let's see if we can get- oh, we haven't got time to get him on the phone, have we?
We've got some old grey whistle tests.
I think Liam sounds like he might be the kind of person who would appreciate the old grey whistle test.
Liam, we'll send you the old grey whistle test, and we should stand by for Ditties in the Dock, cos you've only got 20 minutes left.
Yeah, that's right.
Maybe we should... Yeah, OK, well, let's play some music.
I've got a little free play for you right now.
This is Pavement.
That's called Harness Your Hopes by Pavement.
This is Ed and Joe on XFM.
It's time now to launch Ditties in the Dock.
That's right, Diddy's In The Dock is the part of the show where you, the listeners, get to vote what we play the show out with and it's themed every week and this week's theme is young pop stars, child singers, what have got on the charts, right?
Oh, what have got on the charts?
Well, not necessarily, obviously all one didn't chart so we'll take away that criteria.
Okay, good.
And everyone who calls in and gets on the air with their vote wins a copy of the Bad News Bears, the Richard Linklater comedy, remake of the Walter Matta film, I saw it in the cinema, and it's very good.
It'll certainly be very good in your front room on your telly.
Absolutely.
So, Adam, why don't you start?
OK, I'll start now.
Yeah, my act did not chart.
They have charted before.
Their name is Gorky's Zygotic Monkey.
But when they started life, they were...
only 14 when they cut their first record at least 14 or maybe 15 certainly not older than 16 and they were they had a very charming kind of shambolic sound indie sound i want to play a track from an album of theirs called patio and it's it's in welsh the track is called miriam o'farbel and it's sort of insane but it's a really good song indie song but it's clearly being sung by little children
Isn't there a bit on that album when their mum, their dad, bangs on the door and makes them turn it down?
I brought that in.
This pops up on the same album.
There's a couple of bits where they finish songs and you just hear the fact that they're recording it in their bedrooms.
So here's a bit where the lead singer's dad comes in and tells them off for playing too loud.
That is your last warning.
It does not need to be that loud.
Especially the bass, which I explained to you not four hours ago.
Bass sounds travel much more than any other sound.
You don't need that volume in a room this size.
That is your last warning.
Okay?
I'm very serious.
You've been stupid.
Guaranteeing that you won't be able to do this again.
Use your brain and think.
Wow.
Desperate dad dealing with gorgies.
Dad discipline.
So there you go.
I'm sort of trusting to the XFM listeners to be a bit adventurous and go for an unknown quantity, which is gorky zygotic monkey with Miriam O'Farbell.
So there you go.
If you want to hear gorky zygotic monkey, 0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Alternatively, and I don't think I stand much of a chance with this, you can hear crisscross.
That's right, crisscross.
The teen rap bands, they weren't even teen, were they?
They were under teen.
who wore their trousers backwards and sang the song Jump Jump.
And I'm not saying it's a good song, listeners.
I'm just saying it's funny and it's got, you know, the Jump Jump beat.
So it's a good beat, a good sample.
And, you know, it's got a little boy going, it's wickety, wickety, wickety, wickety, wickety, wack.
And I'm the mickety, mickety, mickety, mickety, mack daddy.
It's the stupidest rap song ever released, basically.
And there's also a very funny bit towards the beginning where his voice breaks and he sounds like a little girl.
which is unusual in hip-hop.
So there you go.
If you want to hear Criss Cross with Jump Jump, call 0871 222 1049, or you can vote for Gorkies.
Everyone who gets on wins a Bad News Bears DVD.
Call now!
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Here we go.
Fast food.
Fast track.
Speed dating.
the dirty sexy sound of uh the gold trap i don't understand that adam the gold what you don't understand it sounds like 80s music it's all happening back again that baffles me
It's time for Ditties in the Dock, and this week it's a young singers' play-off.
We've got Criss Cross, the backwards, jeans-wearing rappers, versus Gorky, Zygotic Monkey, the pre-team Welsh noughties.
Yeah, before they became folkies, they were kind of indie noiseniks and 14-year-old geniuses.
Anyway, we have five people on the line, and we're gonna take the best of those five calls.
So Mark, how you doing?
Hi, how you doing?
I'm good.
How old are you, Mark?
You sound like a youthful man.
Well, I wish I was.
I'm actually 24.
I just have a very high voice.
24 is still technically young.
Well, thanks very much.
Mark, what's your occupation?
Are you a student or do you have a job?
I, well, I've just finished university and I've entered the wide world of work.
I'm just admin.
And you still sound bouncy and optimistic about the world.
Well, I mean, that's because you want to play Gorky's, you know?
Yes.
Are you a Gorky's fan, Mark?
I am, yes.
So have you heard Ados Charles' new solo album yet?
I don't think it's been released.
I haven't actually, no, no, no.
But I think my favourite album of Gorky's is
Spanish dance troupe.
It's the one with poodle rocking on its face.
That's right, yeah.
They're great.
Anyone who doesn't know about gorkies is well advised to go out and investigate.
So I can take it that you're voting for gorkies zygotic monkey, Mark?
Definitely, yeah.
Alright, thanks very much for your call.
Have a great weekend.
Kate, are you there?
I am, hello.
Hello Kate.
Hello Adam, hello Joe.
Hello.
You sound naughty.
Kate.
I am.
Surely you must be of the opinion that Criss Cross are a superior band to Gorgas' psychotic monkey?
Absolutely.
You are?
Yeah.
Oh, good news.
Does that mean you're voting for Criss Cross?
Absolutely, my vote is for Criss Cross.
Do you like a man who wears his jeans backwards?
I think they're probably the only band to have ever done that, aren't they?
Yeah.
Do you think they had to just lower the whole trouser and pant to go to the loo?
I don't think they just wore their trousers backwards.
I'm sure they wore their trousers backwards as well.
That's right, that's right.
I bet you what they did is they had a kind of hose attachment and they would stand with their backs to the lave.
Peeing out of their buns.
Yeah.
That's brilliant.
I think that's what happened.
Anyway, so that's one for gawks and one for crisscross.
Kate, thank you very much for your call.
Thanks, Kate.
And you win that.
Both you and Mark both win the Bad News Bears on DVD.
Well done.
Congratulations.
It's won all.
This is exciting.
Nicholas, are you there?
Yeah, that's me.
How you doing, Nicholas?
You sound like a cool customer.
Well, not really, no.
I'll try.
All right.
Now, we're running out of time a little bit, Nicholas, so we're going to have to cut to the chase.
Are you going to vote for gawkies or crisscross?
Thank you.
Good man, clever man, intelligent man.
Well, for the gawks, I was really encouraged by that first vote there, but I'm gonna need some more gawky action.
Nicholas, thank you very much indeed for your call.
Have a good weekend.
Dan, are you there?
Hi, I am.
Now, Dan, I can't tell just by listening to your voice which way you're gonna go.
Really?
Well, I am from North Wales, so that might give you a clue.
Go on then, what are you going for Dan?
Definitely the gorges.
Oh nice!
Lila our producer said this was a walkover but it's turning into a gut-wrenching... It's a nail-biting finale!
Sam needs his two-all, right?
Yep, that's two-all.
Thanks a lot for your call Dan.
So this is now the deciding call.
Hello, Joe.
Hello.
You know, you've got the same name as me, so I'm hoping you might have the same inclinations.
I mean, I love gorkies, but on a Saturday afternoon, on a grey day like this, I want to hear a kid wearing backwards jeans.
So, OK, now listen, Joe.
Yeah.
You've got to pause for approximately six seconds and then reveal your answer.
Gorkies, just say six seconds, wait for six seconds, then say gorkies or crisscross.
Are you ready?
I think I can do that.
Okay, from now.
Go.
Go keys.
Nice takes it.
There you go.
That's the Adam and Joe podcast, by the way.
Yeah, that's imminent, apparently.
They are imminent, they are being worked on.
It is being worked on, so there you go.
Joe, you are wickety-wickety-wickety-wickety-wack, Daddy.
Oh, man.
I must say, I'm quite surprised by that.
I didn't think people were gonna go for an unknown, fairly, you know, pretty obscure gorkies track.
But I'm very happy with that result indeed.
You know, I'm happy too, cos I love the gorks.
Yeah.
Joe, thanks a lot for your call.
Dan, Nicholas, Kate and Mark, thank you very much indeed for calling in and to everyone who called in this week and texted us and emailed us.
We really appreciate it.
Have a great week and we'll join you next week, next weekend for more fun and rubbish.
Thanks for listening.
Goodbye.
Here's Gorky's iGothic Monkey with Miriam O'Farble.