See, we started off kind of rock and roll, shouting, Preston jumping around, boys will be boys, and then- and then it went very mel- very mellow.
Prematurely, I think.
With, uh, Jose Gonzalez and his heartbeat.
Hello, this is Adam and Joe, you're listening to, uh, London's XFM, Britain's XFM, London 104.9, uh, welcome to Two Hours of Music.
Steve and stuff.
Ricky and stuff, and important, uh, discussion of the big issues of today.
Steve Yes.
Ricky Um, Joe, if- if you had to use an invented car advert word to describe the program, what- what would it be?
Steve Mm.
Uh, what would it be?
Well, it would be a combination of different words.
Ricky Yeah.
Steve Uh, fun.
Ricky Yeah.
Steve Uh, and also boring.
Ricky Uh, bun.
Steve Bun.
not Big Small.
Heh.
No.
Surely the- I like that advert though.
Do you?
Yeah.
Well surely the people- the Nissan Micra people must be annoyed, because they've nicked the- because they had Smig, which was small and big.
That's true.
And now the Toyota Yaris people have just nicked the whole idea and- and just, uh, dumbed it down a little bit by just saying Big Small.
They haven't even bothered to blend the words properly.
Yeah.
I think it's a kind of disgrace, personally.
It's not as disgraceful as the car advert that has the gnarled men in a sort of shed.
And they're going, I saw it last night.
Oh, yeah.
It came out of the fog.
Like it was a wraith or something.
And it's just a boring black car.
What kind of lives do they lead, those men?
I know.
Imagine if they'd seen the spider car emerging from the big... What's the spider car?
You know, have you not seen that?
I think it's a Toyota ad as well, where there's a massive great spider scratching around in a huge giant web, and then suddenly from the shadows this spider scuttles out and it turns into a car!
I haven't seen that one.
Oh, wait till you see it.
I think it's better than a lot of movies out, Joe.
Some adverts are getting so good that they're almost better than the TV shows around them.
What an interesting thought.
Thanks very much.
That's the kind of thing you can expect in the next hour and 50 minutes.
Now, we have a competition this week.
Yeah, we've got crap commentary corner.
It's a good one.
We've got great prizes to give away, but we don't know what they are because our producer Lila hasn't turned up yet.
Well, she's running late.
There's problems on the tubes.
They will be great prizes, though.
I do actually know what they are, but I'll find out while we play this next song.
And we have Ditties in the Dock, of course, coming up at the end of the show.
I'd also like to play you my highlights of this year's Golden Globes red carpet program.
Nice one.
Hosted by a fashion designer called Isaac, what's his name?
Mee-zah-kee, Mee-zah-kee.
I've written it down, hang on.
Isaac.
He was in Unzipped.
Isaac Mizrahi.
Mizrahi?
Yeah.
He's basically- gay people and straight people all love a very camp LA showbiz reporter.
Yeah.
You haven't heard an LA showbiz reporter camper than this ever in history.
What channel was he on?
E, the Entertainment Channel.
I was watching E, but I didn't see anything vaguely amusing.
I sat through hours of stuff, because our friend Kelly MacDonald was out there.
She was nominated.
And I was keen to- I was trying to see- Watch her progress.
Yeah, but they didn't have any shots of it.
They pretty much marginalised all the Brits in favour of the exciting Americans, which is understandable.
Anyway, should we play some music?
Yes.
Here is a track from the Franz Ferdinand.
Oh, dear.
I keep hitting the microphone with my headphones.
Do you?
Yeah, sorry if that's disturbing any listeners out there.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Uh, listen, we do a time check.
We never do time checks.
Go on, then.
It's 1.14.
Oh, it's brilliant!
Do you wear a watch?
Oh, I love time checks.
No, I don't.
Watches are out, apparently.
Well, there's so many watch adverts at the cinema that I was thinking maybe they're coming back in again.
No, I thought fossil are going bust, because kids don't wear watches anymore.
Right.
They just use their mobiles.
Watch companies are over.
Well, exactly.
That's what you'd think.
A watch is an 80s thing.
A swatch, even.
Yeah.
Remember when they were all the rage swatches?
Absolutely, because they were affordable and accurate and jazzy and funky.
They had different designs.
But can I mention something quickly?
Because Lila, our producer, is late today, and it's her last show.
She's leaving.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, uh, we've both bought her some presents.
Do you think she's listening?
She might be listening.
She's on the tube, isn't she?
Yeah, but she might have got off and started taking buses and walking.
I think, should we assume she's not listening?
Okay, then.
What have you got her, Adam?
Well, I've got a- I've got a- a bottle of champagne.
That's good.
And I've got a card.
Yeah.
And what I was gonna do is I was gonna, um... Why am I speaking softly?
Because she might be listening.
She might be listening.
Shh.
Not so she can't hear.
Right, right.
Um, and, uh, so I- I've brought in my digital camera and a small printer with a digital camera so I thought we could take a picture of us all together and then I could print it out.
No, that's what you got her.
I've bought her a shuffle, an iPod shuffle.
That's amazing.
Is that too much?
I don't know what you think, listeners.
Is an iPod shuffle too much or is it too little?
No, that's-that's-that's good.
Sixty-nine pounds.
But now I feel- For three years of work?
Sixty-nine pounds.
But I've-I've gone through a lot of effort.
I've written a poem and everything for the card.
I've just gone for hard, cold cash.
Well, that's a very nice way of spending your hard, cold cash, though.
I could have got her the bigger one.
Yeah.
But I didn't think she was worth it.
You know, I heard that Jonathan Ross got all the crew for his TV show, um, Nanopods, um, for Christmas, as a Christmas present, and I was wondering, like, would he have got the big one, the 4 gig one, or the not-so-big one?
You know?
Because if, um, it's a very generous gesture, but once you've made the generous gesture, once you've committed yourself to buying nanopods for the entire crew, like camera people, runners, producers, everything, then do you economise a little bit and just get the smaller of the two?
What do you think?
I don't know.
It's very difficult buying presents when you're not a teenager anymore, when you make money.
Yeah.
Cos you're expected to actually shell out a bit of cash.
I mean, he'd have to be insane to go the extra yard and get the big one for the whole crew.
I'd be very interested to find out if there's... But listen, sir, that's an exciting moment that's gonna come up later in the show.
Yeah.
The presentation to Lila of her gifts.
But you know what?
If she doesn't turn up, then I could give this shuffle away as a prize on the show.
Have you got one yourself?
No.
They're brilliant, man.
I've got a proper iPod.
yeah but the shuffle is great it's something nice about the limitation of just having that few songs and and having them all shuffling around in your brain and not being able to control where it's going to go next speaking of which uh let's shuffle the xfm playlist yeah a little bit and sneak in a free play this is a track from uh one of the big albums of like well it was sort of critically big uh by my morning jacket right i think the album was called nobody bought it said
I don't know if it flew off the shelves, but it's really worth buying if you haven't got it.
Lots of amazingly interesting stuff on there, and this is a track called Off The Record, which starts off as a kind of skanky, slightly scarred type song, which doesn't sound promising, but it's good.
And then about a couple of minutes in, it sort of takes a mad left turn into a sort of jazz funk odyssey, a bit like Grover Washington Jr.
I'll be the judge of that.
Yeah, see what you think.
Quite good, don't you think?
Yeah, it's got satanic, uh, backwards incanting on it, hasn't it?
Oh, I'm not sure it was satanic.
I think it was just, uh... Just nice.
Nice things.
Some goofy Americans mumbling.
Yeah, that was good.
Off the record, that's called, and that's by, uh, My Morning Jacket.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
XFM.
Love music.
Love XFM.
Love music.
Love XFM.
XFM.
there we go that's the arctic monkeys their album comes out monday doesn't it does it monday yeah they've been giving it away all weekend here on xfm i think to competition winners but that's going to fly off the shelves hit number one a week later there'll be nobodies that's how fast it works you reckon no i don't reckon i reckon they're here to stay of the pop world i love them yeah they're very good i mean that's an amazing song they are uh i've said this before i'm sure but they seem to have picked up where the libertines left off and and fused it with uh
What else?
Something good.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's great.
Anyway, this is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Uh, previously we didn't know what prizes we had to give away.
Now we do, and ladies and gentlemen, they're extraordinary.
We've got two copies of the Sonny Cheeba DVD box set, including Return of the Street Fighter, The Street Fighter, and The Street Fighter's Last Revenge.
to give away for something, I don't know, DVDs, three DVDs.
Have you ever seen those films?
No.
And we've got this brilliant Korean war film called Brotherhood, or the Korean title, Taga Gugi.
Is it?
Taga Gugi.
Which is amazing.
It features four blokes being blown up by a landmine all at the same time.
Wow.
And all their limbs go everywhere.
It's the most sort of gory, stupid war film I've ever seen, but very enjoyable, you know.
yeah but presumably has its heart in the right place and has some kind of anti-war message yeah oh yeah or is it mainly pro-war no anti-war i think i wasn't sure i felt pro-fictional war so what are we going to give away for our competition well for ditties in the dark can i just say first yeah we're giving away uh sets of u2 albums pop boy
All That You Can't Leave Behind, The Unforgettable Fire, The Best of an Ahtung Baby.
So everybody who gets on air in Ditties in the Dark in the last 15 minutes of the show wins a set of those albums.
Wow.
Six albums.
That's amazing.
So it's a prize-o-rama.
But right now, for Crap Commentary Corner, you can have your choice of the Korean War film or the Sonny Chiba box set.
So this is the part of the show where we play you an excerpt from a DVD audio commentary.
Well, we can kind of explain it with the jingle.
Can we?
Yeah.
Oh, cool.
It's a crap commentary Recorded off of a DVD Why don't you listen and see?
You could win some crap for free Can you tell us speaking?
And move you to the T key?
Go ahead it's easy You can use IMTV
There we go.
So no other explanation needed.
All you need is the number 0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Uh, if you know what, uh, which director, uh, is being heard speaking in the clip we're about to play.
So here's clip number one.
And people have to know what film they're talking about as well.
And what film he's talking about, yeah.
OK, here we go.
0-8-7-1-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Here he is talking about, uh, you know, how ill-tempered he gets and what he does when he gets upset.
There's something about a megaphone.
It's got the extra added value.
If you snap it on the ground, it's got batteries that fly out.
Literally, I think this was the first megaphone I broke.
Normally on a movie, I'll break about two or three megaphones.
We had one megaphone that survived quite a bit and kept being taped together.
When the megaphone cracks, they know that, uh-oh, they better hurry.
Ooh, he's an ill-tempered man.
He sounds like a scary man, but I bet you he gets results.
He's very assertive when he gets things done.
Mm, good.
Yes, he certainly does.
Oof.
So, uh, 08712221049, if you think you know what director that is talking and what film he's talking about, our second clip, uh, this is from kind of the middle of the DVD commentary, the bit that people don't usually get, you know, you don't usually get that far.
No.
And he tells us a special exclusive scandalous story, uh, that he swears is true,
Uh, about a mysterious prince, uh, of great wealth.
Let's, let's listen to the story, and, uh, again, 0 8 7 1, triple 2, 1 0 4 9, if you know what director is telling this story.
I'll tell you another story.
I can credibly tell you that this is dead true.
This is a prince, and I'm not gonna say from what country, but he has a personal 747.
On the top, he has a surgery room.
And in that surgery room, he has two tables.
He travels with a 24-year-old kid from his country, where his parents have been paid off, where he has the matching, I guess, blood type.
And this kid would be donating his heart to this prince.
When the prince's bad ticker goes, they're going to be swapping hearts.
I know people have actually been on the plane and I know people have actually met the kid.
Now, I guess that kind of emulates what's going on in this movie.
I hope the Prince doesn't ever hear this DVD commentary.
He's insane.
A prince that flies around with a surgeon and a surgery and a kid who will just be killed as soon as this guy has a heart attack.
Are we supposed to believe that?
Maybe it's Prince.
Why would this... Maybe it is Prince.
Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Steve and Steve laugh
It's a thick cigar.
Don't go on that roller coaster.
No, stop it.
Don't eat that extra button.
Oh, fuck.
Anyway, if you know what director that was telling us that incredible story, 0871221049.
0871221049.
There's another clip if no one gets it, but have a guess.
Also, if you're the prince that he's talking about, we'd love to hear from you.
Give us a call.
And find out if that's all true.
Now, here's some more music.
This is Cub.
Yeah, that's Cub with Grow.
You know what that song needs?
What?
A little more production.
Yeah, a tiny bit more to stir the heartstrings.
Yeah.
That's the kind of music they listen to on Brokeback Mountain.
Have you seen Brokeback Mountain?
I went to see it earlier this week.
I want to talk about it a bit later on.
Wow.
anyway we are playing crap commentary corner our competition this week and uh we played you a couple of clips from a commentary for from a movie uh we're not saying if it's a recent movie or uh an old movie or whatever but you had to guess who was speaking the name of the director and uh the name of the film they were talking about we've got a couple of people on the line now let's see if they've got it right hello paul are you there hi yeah my hair paul
Not very often, no.
Really?
We had a friend called Paul, we used to call him poo-poo.
And then when we went swimming, we'd go to the swimming, poo-poo.
I'd have to get my friends to call me that.
Yeah, poo!
It's very rewarding, we recommend it.
So listen, there you go, what's your guess?
It's Quentin Tarantino.
Now how have you come to that conclusion?
You say that with great authority, Paul.
I don't recognise this voice, but I think because it's Sonic Cheever... But hang on, hang on, boo boo boo!
Hang on, mate.
Quentin Tarantino is instantly recognisable because he says, all right, after every fourth word.
All right?
And this guy didn't say, all right?
Listen, do you want to hear another clip, Paul?
Yes, please.
OK, listen to this.
See if this gives you any more clues, OK?
I'll tell you another story.
I can credibly tell.
Oh, no, hang on, we just had, that's the Prince story.
Oh, that's the wrong one.
OK, sorry, man.
So listen to this.
Okay, here we go.
All my movies have been smash hits.
They've all made a fortune at the box office for what they cost.
And I will oftentimes operate in very dangerous camera positions because I operate a lot.
A pole came by my head about 45 miles an hour.
That's where I almost lost my life.
Paul came by his head.
Er, now listen, Paul, that clearly was not Tarantino.
Do you want to take another guess?
Well, that's not fair.
Adam, that's not fair, cos what if the next guy's got it?
And then Paul goes and gets it.
I'm pretty sure Paul's not gonna get it.
OK, have another guess, Paul.
You're right, you're right.
I haven't got a clue who it is.
I thought it was Clinton in the first one.
Oh, man, bad luck.
But I tell you what, um, do you want a... Do you want a prize anyway?
I want a Sonny Cheever box set in my life.
Well, you can have it, mate.
Oh, that's marvellous.
Only cos your name is...
OK, cheers Paul, thanks very much indeed for your call.
Now, er, let's see, we've got another caller on the line, this is Nick.
Hi Nick, how you doing?
I'm alright, thanks.
We haven't got a funny way of saying Nick.
Jim Davidson has.
Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick.
We won't, we won't labour that point.
Er, Nick, how you doing there, and, and do you have a, a better idea of who that was speaking on the crap commentary there?
Well said.
I think I've got an idea, yeah.
Do you wanna know what it is?
Yeah, go on then.
Michael Bay?
Michael Bay, and what was he talking about?
Well, the first time he was talking about the megaphone, he's famous for having a really bad temper.
Yes.
And the second time, he was talking about having the kid and the prince and the heart transplant.
And the island's all about having a clone to do transplants and stuff, so I thought maybe it was that.
Nick, we couldn't have asked for more than that.
That was spot on.
Well done.
What do you do for a living, Nick?
Are you an expert?
No, I'm not an expert, no.
What do you do?
I kind of do the travel news.
Do you?
For the radio, yeah.
What station?
Other stations other than yours, although I used to do XFM years ago.
Really, man, we need a travel bulletin.
Yeah, we could- cos it's nice to throw to- we don't throw to anyone, we don't throw to the news or the travel guy or anything.
Yeah.
Well, you see, you should get me in, I'll do it for you.
Well, we've got your number, Nick, we might be in touch, but for the moment we're gonna re- do you want the Sonny Chiba box set or do you want Tagagoogie, the Korean war film?
Didn't you just give the Sonny Chiba box set away?
Yeah, we got two.
I think we should give him both.
Give him both because he got it right.
And what sort of standard is that to set if losers win?
What sort of world would it be if losers won?
A world gone mad.
So there you go.
You're going to get Sonny Tuber and Taggagugi.
That's very kind of you, thank you.
Thanks a lot for your call, Nick.
Well done, Nick.
That was exemplary.
That was really textbook stuff.
That might be handed out with the teaching pack.
The teachers.
Wow.
Thanks very much indeed for your call, Paul.
Your poo-coo!
And to Nick, congratulations.
I hope you enjoy those DVDs.
This is the Adam and Joe on XFM.
Joe's looking at me funny.
What is this?
Have you mistakenly put on a show tune?
No.
I should have explained that this is a free play and it's Sparks.
You should have explained.
Is this the new Sparks single?
No, no, no.
This is a classic Sparks.
What does that sound like?
But I'm feeling sort of gay because of Brokeback Mountain.
That sounds like madness.
I've had a very…
sun in the rain.
Anyway.
Steve Laughs Steve Laughs
No, stick with it.
It's not like that anymore in the world.
This is a marvelous synthesis of the gay and the very straight as well, this song, because it starts off pretty camp, but then the guitars come in and it begins to rock.
It's called Reinforcements and it's by Sparks.
And here it is.
I'm on guard again, but unprepared to fend for myself in a battle.
You won't tell me why the... Love music.
Love XFM.
XFM.
What an extraordinary rendition.
That was Hardfire with Cash Machine.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM, coming up to the end of our first hour here.
Hey, listen, if you've been listening for the whole hour, you'll know that it's our producer Lila's last show and we've bought her secret presies.
Is she listening now?
She just popped out to get me a drink.
She probably will be able to hear.
And we've already established what presents we've got her.
But we can't say them again, obviously, because she might be listening.
But I've got her a card.
Yeah.
The picture of Prince William.
Is he- wow.
Have a look at it, Adam.
In a picture- in- in wearing a, uh, wearing a tuxedo.
That's very attractive.
All women fancy Prince William, right?
Because he's- he's so sexy, look.
He's quite sexy.
He looks like a shoe-
Yeah, he looks really lovely there, I agree with you.
So, you know, stay tuned for the big, er, presentational, presentational ceremony at the end of the show, the big prize giving.
Yeah, here she comes.
Here she comes.
Stop talking quickly.
She doesn't know anything about what we've done for her.
She thinks we haven't done anything.
When she came in, when she came in, we asked her if she'd been listening to the show and she said no.
But I'm not quite sure.
No, she had a little, a little satisfied smirk.
There was a twinkle in her eye.
Now she's looking worried.
She's looking very glamorous today, Lila.
She's looking genuinely concerned.
It's your- Dad's birthday?
Yeah.
Oh, I thought it was because of us and saying goodbye and wanting to leave us with a memory of you looking saucy.
But listen, we've got our lesbian and gay section of the show coming up after the top of the hour, right?
Yes, absolutely.
I'm gonna get very gay.
I wanna talk about a lot of gay things.
Yeah, and I'm gonna talk about some gay things as well.
So stay tuned for that.
And we've got a kind of gay text competition as well that I thought of as well.
Oh, well done.
What are we gonna give away for that?
We've just given away all the prizes.
Man, we'll have to rustle something up.
We can steal some stuff, can't we?
Yeah, we'd better find some tickets or something.
Well, we've got another copy of Brotherhood, that DVD with the people being blown up.
So that'll be a nice treat.
It's not very gay though, is it?
Anyway, let's play a bit more music and then go to the adverts.
I'm really hoping they play that advert for The Dune.
Yeah, the advert for The Dune DVD that's been given away in The Observer, yes.
Tomorrow.
And they, what was it?
It's something about all the aliens are really excited because Dune's been given away in the Observer.
I am very excited.
I have landed my spaceship by the news agents.
My tentacles are going to be used to watch the DVD.
Someone's clearly not seeing Dune.
There's only one alien in Dune, right?
The massive slug in the big sort of glass thing.
Well, technically they're all aliens.
Yeah, but they're humanoid.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
Now, there's the big weird slug, that's true, and then to the worms, of course.
The worms, but they're not really, they don't walk, they don't talk.
No.
Well, do you think that's not the definition of an alien?
The alien on board the Nostromo doesn't do any talking.
Yeah, but it's got legs and hands and it could sit and have a meal with you if it wanted to.
Those giant worms couldn't.
Yeah, that's true.
OK, here's a bit more music for you right now.
This is The Killers with Jenny Was a Friend of Mine and this is Anna Mongeau on XFM.
This is XFM.
That's the Kaiser Chiefs, uh, with the modern way, or just modern way.
This is Adam Buxton.
And my name's Joe Cornish.
And, uh, we're on XFM.
Yeah.
For another 55 minutes here on this, uh, enjoyable Saturday afternoon.
It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon, very, very lovely weather, lovely blue sky, lovely.
Lovely.
The only bad thing you could say about it is the whale, uh, is in trouble.
The whale.
Why don't they get Darren Brown or someone to use mind techniques to get the whale?
Surely he could convince the whale to do the right thing.
He'd just convince the whale to rob a bank and then we'd be in trouble.
Or shoot itself.
Or shoot him.
So listen, I went to see Brokeback Mountain.
Yes.
Earlier this week.
Uh, Brokeback Mountain is the movie about two macho farmers, cowboys?
Farmers.
Cowboys, cowboys.
Cowboys.
Yeah.
Uh, who fall very much in love.
That's right, when they're out, uh, they're supposed to be taking care of sheep.
Yeah, but they take care of... Each other.
And, uh, they have a little, you know, touchy-feely moment, don't they, out in a field or something?
They have several.
But they don't understand it.
In a tent.
Because they're so sort of macho.
That's right, and afterwards they sit on a rock and it's a bit awkward and they just sort of go, I ain't queer.
No, neither am I. And that's it.
It's a bit like Dennis Rodman being out there.
Have you seen it yet?
No.
It is worth seeing.
But it's, um, it's sort of slightly unsatisfying because
It certainly is challenging for the heterosexual man.
Now, who did you see it with, Adam Buxton?
I saw it with my wife.
It was a date movie.
OK, I'd like to hear from any groups of lads who've been to see Brokeback Mountain.
You can text us on 83XFM or call us 08712221049.
If you went to see Brokeback Mountain with your mates...
I'd like to know with your straight mates how that went.
Yeah, that would be interesting, wouldn't it?
Because it's pulling in, you know, massive amounts of punters.
Lots of people are going to see it.
It's going to get Oscars and everything.
It's one of those films that you sort of have to see if you're going to survive, you know, dinner party chit chat.
But it probably has resulted in some quite awkward, you know, quite an awkward atmosphere in some cinemas.
Not for the right reasons, I think.
You know, everybody should happily be able to go and see it.
But obviously people are hung up on it because all the articles start with, this is not a gay film.
And every interview Anne Lee's given says how it's not a gay film.
What?
It's all about being gay.
Well, exactly.
It's all about, um, the fact that they have to repress their desires because it's totally socially unacceptable in the sixties in the Midwest where they are.
All I'm saying is that they are, the people who are marketing it are aware that there might be an obstacle in terms of getting everybody to go and see it.
Yeah.
So they've tried to downplay the gay.
Right, right, right.
That's a shame.
I mean, it's a lovely film.
It's wonderful to look at.
Beautiful scenery in Wyoming there.
I've been to Wyoming.
It's certainly one of the most beautiful places in the world.
And the acting from Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger is fantastic throughout.
But it does have fairly early on a sort of graphic, uh, roughly moment.
Well, we have to be careful because obviously this is a family show, but what base do they go to?
Oh, they go all the way.
Which bases?
How many bases are there?
Four.
Do they go to fourth base?
Lila's got, she's telling us she's got four bases.
You may have less or more bases than other women.
I would say... You might have some extra bases.
That's true.
God's given you an extra base.
Well, I would say... What does that mean?
out of out of four bases they would go well through the fourth one really do you see the fourth base you don't played you yeah you scored you see the scoring of the fourth base uh you don't actually see the equipment involved in the scoring of the base that's a good class in acting class isn't it how to do that one pull that face
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, it is, it's all very- have you seen Unfaithful by- is it Mike Figgis who directed that?
Uh, possibly.
Um- It's the woman, that's the lady who has an affair with a French bloke.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
And, um, her husband Richard Gere finds out and he ends up killing the bloke.
Yeah.
quite a good film, with some- with some fairly fantastic, passionate, roughty, unfaithful, um, nookie inside the- What's that got to do with Broken Mountain?
Well, it reminded me, it's the same sort of level of, um, you know, uh, flurry of intensity, of passionate intensity that takes- takes place in this, you know, there's a lot of kind of scrabbling that's almost a fight- Oh, really?
Uh, that turns out to be passion.
While struggling to get through the- the tradesman's entrance.
Yeah, exactly.
To shove the back door open.
Easy.
And get inside.
listen I was thinking that maybe a good text competition would be for people to think of other scenarios where this kind of thing could happen because there's been a lot of forbidden love films obviously this is just one in in a tradition of films like my beautiful laundrette yeah uh beautiful thing other films with the word beautiful in them about generally it's uh homosexuality that seems to be a taboo that
for some reason won't go away, even though it's completely acceptable in the, uh, noughties, uh, no one's got a problem with anyone being gay if they're, uh, right-headed, but still, for the cinemas, it seems to be a thing that people still have to deal with.
Uh, so anyway, I was thinking of other, other gay type of films, other taboo, uh, films, and, um, I- this isn't very good.
But to give you an example, okay, here's a bad example, right?
So instead of Brokeback Mountain as a place for forbidden love, Big Brother Diary Room, the story of Preston and Chantel and their forbidden love, which takes place in the diary room and obviously is broadcast- Give us another example.
Have you got another example?
That was rubbish, wasn't it?
Yeah, I'm just confused by that.
Give us another example.
Okay, here we go.
This is a film called Shuttlecocks.
yes and it's about uh forbidden love on a nasa space mission that's a lot better uh so a couple of manly pilots yeah fall in love whilst uh practicing their docking procedure and the tagline for the film would be either space is their special place
or they can't stop being astronaut-y.
That's very good.
OK.
I think people will understand that completely.
So there's the text competition, listeners, 83XFM.
Come up with a name of a film that's about forbidden same-sex love.
It doesn't have to be necessarily same-sex, just any kind of forbidden love, any taboo love, and a place where that love happens.
Yeah.
I'm going to start thinking during the next record.
Here's another little example.
This one isn't very good either.
Da Beautiful Bungalow.
Is that like Dick and Dom in Dabungalow?
Yeah.
If Dick and Dom had a- had a gay affair- They have a gunk fight and suddenly it turns lusty.
Suddenly they're wiping the gunk off each other and they start to get it on.
And then they have, uh, then they have to fight their bosses, their TV bosses because, you know, they've got this- That doesn't turn sexy as well.
No, no, that doesn't turn sexy.
That's for the sequel.
But, you know, they- they have to fight because, um, their TV bosses don't want them to be the only openly gay couple to present a kid's TV show.
you see, so it's a very moving story about a lot of- Steve Laughs- Well, their bosses don't want them to be the only openly gay couple.
Steve Laughs- No, because it's- it's taboo.
Steve Laughs- Oh, because it's taboo.
Steve Laughs- Yeah, so they're not- it's all about- they're dealing with the prejudice of the TV world.
Steve Laughs- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is very good.
Steve Laughs- Uh, obviously Dick and Dom, as far as I know, aren't having a gay affair together.
This is a pure conjecture for the purpose of fantasy.
Um, but we'd like to hear your- your ideas as well.
Steve Laughs- Text 83 XFM, if you've got any.
I'm gonna work on my own during this record, which is what?
Steve Laughs- Which is the block party.
block party with two more years.
You know, uh, hello, this is Adam and Joe on XFM, uh, where we've just announced our text competition which is basically, uh, an invitation to our listeners to send in quite crude jokes.
Yeah, we don't want people to get all homophobic on our arses.
I've got a couple, though.
The quiz is to come up with a similar name for a film to Brokeback Mountain, a place where you might have a secret, a forbidden affair with somebody.
How about Touching Your Void?
Touching My Void or Touching Your Void.
Yeah, that's quite good.
Touching Your Void, about two, you know, macho mountain climbers.
They fall down a crevasse.
They fall down a crevasse and they get trapped there.
Yeah.
You know.
Look at your crevasse.
The days pass.
That's right.
The nights pass.
They have verges.
Yeah.
No one else around.
Exactly.
That's a good idea.
Touching the void.
And then the other, we were trying to think of one for football as well, for like league football, When Saturday Comes.
That's nice.
Would be, I mean there's already a film called When Saturday Comes, isn't there?
But it could have different connotations.
Absolutely.
So Keaton, coming in on 8.3 XFM.
While you think about that, I'd like to bring you some showbiz news.
Because to continue on our gay and lesbian theme, it was the Golden Globes, which isn't strictly a gay and lesbian event, but everything in Hollywood has the atmosphere of a big gay parade.
And E!, the Entertainment Channel, which is possibly the gayest channel on television, were doing in-depth coverage from the red carpet.
And to host their coverage, they had the fashion designer, what's his name again?
Isaac Mizrahi, how do you say his name?
You'll know, Lila.
Yeah.
Isaac Mizrahi.
Is it Isaac or E-Zach?
Why would it be E-Zach?
No one pronounces it the E-Zach.
Isaac Mirazi.
Iswag.
Anyway, he's a big gay cake of a man.
And he was interviewing all the stars, everybody.
Gwyneth Paltrow, Jessica Alba, Evan O'Hare-Carry.
Scarlett Johansson.
Scarlett, he grabbed Scarlett Johansson's boobs, which was reported in all the press.
That's right, I saw that.
He really did grab them as well.
He did.
He gave them a good squeeze.
He was weighing them as if they were fruit.
He knew no boundaries.
So basically I recorded it and I've basically made you a montage of some of the gay things he said.
I've taken out any of his questions, any of the replies from the celebrities.
So what you've now got is the most solid lump of gay talking that anyone has ever heard.
So listen quite carefully.
At one stage he said, I'm glad you said beautiful, faster than I've ever heard anybody say ever in my life.
So here we go, hold tight, turn the radio up and listen to this.
Isaac, Isaac.
Yes, here I am, darling.
Look at how beautiful your gorgeous eyes are.
Thank you.
That is so amazing.
Wow, wow, wow.
It's gorgeous.
Wow, man, that is really, really funny.
You look amazing.
That's really, really funny.
Wow, she is gorgeous.
tonight darling I am so special because I'm here with you Wow but how lucky am I so nice are you wearing underwear exactly yeah Wow you need so beautiful I have to say you always look really really stylish oh that sounds delicious
Oh, that is really funny.
No, I'm just kidding.
I love that.
Speaking of a chocolate vanilla swirl, talk about your underwear.
Yes.
Oh, wow.
Eye touch scar.
Let's boob.
Eye touch scar.
Let's boob.
I'm just kidding.
Oh, God.
Am I the most lucky man in the world?
My God.
That is so beautiful.
That is an amazing, amazing piece.
Thank you.
I love your makeup, which I can't stop noticing.
Thank you.
It's really, really good.
Happy, happy, happy tonight, right?
Thank you.
Bye.
See ya.
Wow.
That's extraordinary.
I'm overwhelmed with gayness.
Are you all right, man?
You've got into a little gay trance there.
Yeah, that was amazing.
I might use that for a, uh, self-esteem tape.
Yeah.
In the morning.
Just play that, just to lift my spirits, cos he's very positive.
Absolutely.
He's got nothing but nice things to say.
No, he wasn't really bitchy at all, was he?
Or was he?
Well, he asked some quite, uh, some quite probing questions.
He talked about people's underwear a lot and whether they were wearing any.
A lot.
Terry Hatcher wasn't wearing underwear.
Mm.
And then, uh, he spoke to, what's her name, um, you know, your favourite posh English actress.
Kia Knightley.
Yes.
And, uh, he asked her if she was wearing underwear shoes.
He asked everyone about that underwear, but the weirdest thing he said, and there was a little clip from it in that, was he was talking to Queen Latifah and asking her who she fancies in Hollywood.
And she said, oh, I fancy George Clooney because, uh, everyone in Hollywood loves a scandal, everyone in Hollywood loves a chocolate and vanilla swirl.
And then he goes, talking of a chocolate and vanilla swirl, uh, let me talk about your underwear.
It's not very nice, is it?
Hey Mitch, that kind of stuff.
Green Latifah's panties.
You're thinking too hard about it, I think.
Now let's play a bit more music while we're waiting for some text suggestions for our taboo films to come in, which we'll wrap up very shortly, I think.
What's it looking like, Lila?
Is it getting a bit...
ones that we can't actually say on air or we might get sued.
Steve Well, exactly.
Try- try not to be too filthy about it.
Ricky Hey, here's- here's a good one.
Triple X FM.
Two DJs struggle to hide their secret love.
From Kevin in Watford.
Steve That's a very good idea.
Ricky He's talking about us, isn't he?
Steve Absolutely.
Ricky Nothing secret about our love, Kevin.
Steve Well, no.
No, it's- it's very much out in the open.
And now we've got three minutes and forty-five seconds to exercise our love because this is, um,
What is this?
This is The Feeling.
I've never heard this before.
This is a track called Sown.
Love music.
Love XFM.
Goldfrapp.
Ride a white horse.
This is Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish here on a Saturday afternoon on XFM.
I think it's time we put our slightly dubious text competition to bed.
So yeah, we've been asking you to come up with your own sort of versions of Brokeback Mountain titles and ideas for films about forbidden love in places where you wouldn't usually find it.
that's brilliantly explained.
If only we'd put it that succinctly 20 minutes ago.
We could've avoided a torrent of homophobic, uh, swill.
Yeah, and we've got to say that, uh, should we say anything?
We're dealing here in- we're dealing here knowingly in stereotypes and don't draw any conclusions about our attitude to any walk of life just because of our stupid sense of humour, right?
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
So here we go.
Mind you, I've rooted out all the ones that are truly, uh- Revolting.
Revolting, stroke, funny.
Um.
So here we go, Adam.
What do you think of this?
Tube driver love.
Two bored lonely tube drivers watching the tunnels, the dark tunnels clatter by.
I'm making all this up.
The person who sent it didn't write this.
Yeah.
It's called Mind the Gap.
That's quite good, I like it.
Quite good.
Because there's a lot of imagery you could have in there that would be apposite.
Yeah.
Okay, uh, that's from an anonymous texter.
Uh, Kevin in Brixton has texted twice this one, so I feel I should read it out.
It's like a German submarine, uh, drama with two German submarine men.
Yeah.
Getting very close to each other, called Das Bot.
that's not bad, you know, cos again, you've got the- the chutes, the torpedoes.
Ricky Laughs But yeah, it's nothing but gay love in German submarines.
Steve No, exactly, I wouldn't- Ricky Laughs In the ar- everyone in the army, it's not- they don't call it gayness, they just call it getting through the day.
Steve Well, exactly, yeah, that's part and parcel of, er, life in the military.
Ricky Laughs Being in the army.
Steve Yeah.
Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky Laps Ricky L
Anybody?
No.
Okay.
It's not exactly forbidden though, is it?
Lesbian women's football movie.
This is from Adam in Watford.
Uh, lesbian women playing football.
It's called Fever Bitch.
That's quite good, isn't it?
That's not bad, yeah.
Who's Eating Gilbert's Grapes?
That's just one of those, uh, porn titles, isn't it?
Of, uh, I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of the Closet.
says Jane in Stockwell, imagining I suppose a gay love affair maybe between Ant and Dec on the set of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
That could be quite moving, couldn't it?
Ricky Laughs Ricky
in some sort of hostage situation, feel a bit saucy, touch each other, feel ashamed, and then it comes into play in the big shootout at the end, you know, he has flashbacks of Willy's while he's trying to shoot the villain or something.
Steve- Maybe he's trying to talk someone down off a rooftop, you know, and he ends up just snogging him.
Ricky- That would be a good film.
Steve- And then they both jump together, holding hands.
Ricky- Yep, so that was good.
Brian in Hertfordshire, well done.
Er, Richton Sheen says, The Empire Strokes Sack
I'm pretty sure you can't say that.
Uh- Steve laughs Steve laughs Steve laughs Steve laughs Steve laughs Steve laughs Steve laughs
they are injecting the creamy centres into chocolate bars.
It's called hot chocolate.
I thought it was going to be something like chocolate factory.
No, it could be though.
Hot chocolate's not bad.
So what are you going for?
There's a lot of- you've got to choose a winner box.
Well, the one that really made the most sense to me I thought was, um,
You've forgotten it now, haven't you?
Maybe the submarine's one.
What is it around there?
Das Bot.
Mind the Gap.
I think Mind the Gap's- I like Mind the Gap.
We like Mind the Gap.
Or Fever Bitch from Adam and Watford.
I like Mind the Gap because it's- you've got so much imagery there that would be brilliant.
Well that's from an anonymous texter so we'll have to find out who they are and we will and we'll find out who you are and send you that prize but thanks to everybody who entered that you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Yes.
I hope at least some of you were gay and it's not just a bunch of straight people making really bad, slightly homophobic jokes here on a Saturday afternoon, uh, which we don't want to encourage at all.
Um, now let's- Well, we've gone the wrong way about not encouraging that.
Yeah, we- we pretty much have.
Especially a few weeks ago, we were, uh, deriding The Sun for having that, um, headline about- do you remember when- Yeah.
The guy from Star Trek came out and they- What was it again?
Beamed me up body or something?
Oh, that's right.
And we were saying it was a disgrace.
How hypocritical.
And now here we are.
OK, to set things back on the right track, here's David Bowie.
Yes, it is in the dock time here on the Adam and Jo radio show on XFM.
This is the part of the show where you get to vote what song we play the show out with, even though we're 20 minutes away from the end of the show.
We're going to take five calls and everyone who comes on air is going to win a set of six U2 albums.
that's six cds each each all by the greatest band in the world right yeah i mean that's not my opinion maybe the biggest band in the world yeah okay the biggest band in the world u2 so that's uh how's that noise sorry i was moving my michael um there we go so brilliant prizes the number is 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 and this week's
theme is, sorry little burp, is what?
Little bit of wind, is anti-drug songs.
No no no no no to drugs, just you know, stop it.
Inspired by the government hoo-ha about whether they should downgrade or upgrade cannabis as a Class C or Class C drug.
Yeah, as a kind of smokescreen for the Ruth Kelly affair, some people are saying.
Okay.
And anyway, I was thinking there's, you know, there's a lot of songs about drugs, but there's also a lot of songs that are anti drugs.
And I was listening to one earlier this week, and you could argue that the song that I've brought in, shall I start?
Shall I pick my first?
Why don't you start?
Yes.
OK, it's a track called The Good Times Are Killing Me by Modest Mouse.
And I believe this was on their last album.
It was the album that had that hit that we played a lot on XFM, Float On.
Anyway, The Good Times Are Killing Me is a great song.
And it seems to be about, well, it's fairly self-explanatory.
It's just about some guy sort of lamenting the fact that his idea of a good time is to go out and get loaded.
And basically he just lives to distract himself from reality.
And the very thing that he is living for is the thing that is killing him.
OK?
How ironic is that?
But it's a good song anyway.
And I might be reading too much into it.
But I want you to vote for Modest Mouse and the good times are killing me.
So there you go.
If you want to hear Modest Mouse, call 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9.
Or your alternative choice is Shinehead.
Now Shinehead is a sort of a toaster.
Yeah.
An emcee.
Very, very famous.
You would imagine.
would probably be partial to some drugs.
Well, a major problem is crack.
A major problem with XFM listeners, a lot of XFM listeners are on crack.
You know who you are out there.
And it's time to stop because it's a very dangerous drug and Shinehead's recorded this song called Gimme No Crack.
Don't give me any crack.
I don't want the crack.
And it's a fantastic song.
The chorus goes, I'm real cool.
I'm chill to the max.
I might act crazy, but I don't smoke crack.
I remember that track.
We have played it before, several months ago.
It's a good crack track.
And it's fantastic.
I'm not expecting it to win.
But there you go.
If you want to hear Shinehead, 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9, and you will never smoke crack again.
Absolutely.
That's something I can guarantee.
It's between Modest Mouse and Shinehead.
Get calling right now.
Love music.
Love XFM.
That's mighty Coldplay.
That's Kraftwerk featuring Coldplay.
Yeah, that's true.
That's a collaboration between Coldplay and Kraftwerk.
Let's put it that way.
And it's called Talk.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
So this week's Ditty's in the Dock is anti-drug songs.
It's Modest Mouse with The Good Times Are Killing Me versus Shinehead with Gimme No Crack.
Don't Gimme No Crack, Crack.
And we've got five callers on the line, all of whom have won six U2 albums.
So that's good news for Tim.
Hello, Tim.
Hello.
Is that good news, Tim?
About as good news as the Coldplay track.
Hey, so, yeah, so that is good news, isn't it?
Obviously.
So what are you going for, Tim?
I'm going to go for the crack song.
Have you got a problem with crack, and if so, how bad is it?
I've just run out, so I don't want anyone else to enjoy themselves on Saturday afternoon.
Easy to get a hold of, just walk down the street muttering crack, and eventually someone will give you some.
Oh, it doesn't work.
It doesn't work?
No, no.
No, I try it quite a lot, but no.
OK, well, thank you very much, Tim.
I think you do need to take some more crack.
OK, thank you.
But thank you for voting for Shinehead.
That's one nil to me, Joe.
And, er, of course, Joe's just being humorous there, kids.
Not encouraging anyone to actually go out and talk about crack or take it or anything like that.
Of course, yeah, it's absurd.
It's absurd.
If you touch it, you're insane.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, I would go for that, certainly.
Alice, are you there?
Hello.
How are you doing, Alice?
I'm OK.
Oh, you don't sound okay, you sound pretty depressed.
Oh, I've been doing homework.
What kind of homework have you got sort of thing?
Er, art.
Art?
There's nothing depressing about art.
Come on, art homework!
Life is serious, art is fun.
What's the project you've got?
Oh, it's at the moment, it's fashion and waste.
Fashion and waste?
Well, they're inextricably linked.
So you're making dresses out of bottle tops and bin bags and stuff like that?
Well, I'm doing illustration on stuff like that, so yeah.
Not even making that does sound a bit depressing.
I sympathise.
So what are you going to go for, Alice?
I'm sorry, I'm going to go for Modest Mouse.
Don't apologise, that's fine.
That's one all there.
Yeah, one to Shinehead, one to Modest Mouse.
You win those U2 albums.
If you don't like them, you can smash them up and make them into a dress.
Brilliant.
Thanks a lot for calling, Alice.
Now, Freddie's on the line.
How are you doing, Freddie?
How's that, Troy?
Yeah, very good, thank you.
How are you, Freddie?
What's up with you today?
No, nothing's up with me.
I'm pretty cool.
Yeah, come on.
You've got to give us something.
Any kind of activity, any piece of information at the moment you're just a man to us.
Give us something.
The skip in front of me is very full.
Full skip?
Of other people's Christmas trees?
And pallets.
Oh, I love a good pallet.
That's a great story, man.
Thanks a lot, Freddie.
What are you going to vote for?
Is it going to be Modest Mouse or Shinehead with his crack song?
Modest Mouse.
Are you a Modest Mouse fan, Freddie?
I'm only aware of the floats on.
Yeah, yeah.
I hadn't really heard much of them before and this tune popped up on the iPod and I thought, hey, that's good.
I like it.
I'm going to revisit this album.
So anyway, Freddie, thanks a lot for your call.
Have fun with the skip.
Geoff, are you there?
Hi there.
Hey, Freddie can put the U2 albums in the skip if he doesn't like them.
Jeff, how are you doing?
Thanks for laughing, Jeff.
Are you a U2 fan?
Pretend you are, pretend you are, pretend you are.
Good, good, good.
Excellent.
And we better keep this brief because we're running out of time.
Jeff, which are you going to go for?
Is it Modest Mouse or Shinehead?
Hey, good man.
Well done, Jeff.
Very good taste.
It's amazing on top, you see, and it's very shiny on top of my head, so... Is it?
Well, there you go.
You are, in a way, brothers with Shinehead.
The smooth to all.
So that's big to Jeff.
OK, so it's... This is extraordinary.
This is the deciding vote now.
Danny, hello, Danny.
Hey, hey.
There's a great burden on your shoulders.
You have an enormous responsibility.
Reponsibility, I nearly said.
Are you ready?
Are you up to it?
I think so.
I'm just about ready.
Can we learn something about you first, Danny?
What are you up to today?
What I'm up to, I'm revising for an exam.
What exam is it?
It's a physics exam.
Physics nightmare!
Our sympathies are very firmly with you.
That's got to be the most... Are you any good?
Not particularly.
I've lagged my way through plenty of exams, still good.
Physics is mystifying stuff.
It was mystifying in our day.
Imagine what it's like now.
They've probably got new physics to deal with.
Oh, man.
Anyway, Danny, what are you going to go for?
Is it Shinehead or Modest Mouse to play us out?
Oh, that's a surprise.
I really thought it was just have some crack.
No, you can't even joke about that kind of thing.
What?
They don't tolerate jokes about drugs at all.
Who doesn't?
The world.
The world?
Everyone knows how to joke.
The business world.
Yeah, but it's like when you make jokes about bombs at airports, you know, they just arrest you.
They're not up for it.
Really?
Yeah, they have the big signs that say, don't joke about bombs.
It's the same in radio stations with drugs.
Crikey.
Anyway, thank you very much, Danny, for your call.
Weirdly, this ties in with our, you know, name of Brokeback Mountain style gay films competition.
Oh, yeah?
Give me no crack.
Thank you very much nice nicely tied up there and before we play our final track Thanks very much to everyone who called and texted today.
Incidentally.
We have to say goodbye to Lila She's been our producer now for about three years or something She's turned us from gibbering idiots into the kind of media geniuses that you're listening to now and we really appreciate it Lila you're attractive and you know what your job is and you're attractive and you've got a really filthy mouth and You're a brilliant producer and you're attractive
so we're gonna miss you very much.
Thanks, thanks a lot, Lila.
Thank you for everything.
We've got a card for you, look.
Here, we've got a card.
Thank you.
And Joe's got a special present for you.
This is from, this is from both of us.
Yeah, here we go, Lila, look at that.
Isn't that good?
It's the cheapest iPod on the market.
That is it, it's the iPod Shuffle.
Not even an iPod, it's just a Shuffle.
And here's some champagne for you.
Oh.
This is nice.
I'm gonna have to do my job, though, because we're gonna have to go to the track quite quickly.
Yeah, okay, fair enough, fair enough.
I love you, thank you.
Bye, Lila.
Have a good time.
Be lucky.
And, er, thanks very much for listening.
We'll be with you next week.
Here's Modest Mouse with The Good Times Are Killing Me.
Dirt got air, got water, now I know you can carry on Shoved off, short sighted, false assignment, and what can I say?
Have one, have twenty more, one more, and it does not really matter
Good times are killin' me Kick, butt, bust, cut, dickhead spin like what I said Good times are killin' me Just clenched tight, we talked all night about what the hell did we say Good times are killin' me
Good times are killing me Good times are killing me
Need more sleep than cocoa milk and feta milk late nights with milk and whiskey I guess the good times, they were all just killing me
The good times are killing me.
I'm not there on the dock to make myself a good hero.
The good times are killing me.
Half one, half twenty more, one more, send the windows through the village.
The good times are killing me.
You should get this in as late as you want.
The good times are killing me The good times are killing me
12XFM