That was Morning Runner with Burning Benches.
It's Saturday afternoon.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9 with you for the next two hours for our regular Saturday afternoon show.
And what a show we have for you this week.
Yes.
And that's by no means a cliche.
No.
That's understating things.
Yes.
We've got DVDs to give away.
One of the best films ever made, The Cooler, starring William H Macy as a man who goes into gambling casinos and cools people's luck.
Yeah?
Yeah, I've never seen it.
Have you seen it?
No, but I'm sure it's brilliant, and we've got five copies of it to give away.
I hear it's brilliant.
Plus, we've got a pair of tickets to see The Delays at the Shepherd's Bush Empire on Tuesday, the 7th of March, and a pair of tickets to see The Dead, 60s, at the Astoria on Sunday, the 19th of March.
I thought that was to see the Angelica Houston film, The Dead, which is very depressing, and about a funeral, and was made about 15 years ago.
But no, it's a better prize than that.
A ticket to see The Dead 60s at the Astoria on Sunday, the 19th of March,
What more motivation could you want to listen?
Well, I'll tell you what more motivation.
I'm going to be taking a ride into the wonderful, wacky world of Werner Herzog's accent.
Yes, that's coming up later in the show.
Last week we were listening to some, was it Michael Treadwell?
No, Timothy Treville.
We were listening to clips from Grizzly Man, the fantastic documentary.
This week, a whole other aspect of that.
The extraordinary voice of Werner Herzog.
He's been in the news lately because he was shot during an interview.
But we'll get into that later.
That's if you don't know who Werner Herzog is, you might be excited by the idea of someone being shot.
That'll motivate you to listen.
Buy a BB gun, not a real gun.
We wouldn't celebrate proper shooting on this show.
No, we're anti-shooting.
We think it's disgusting.
On the whole, yeah.
But before all that of what yeah anything you want to tease Adam.
Oh, well.
We've got a very good crap commentary coming up Don't we oh we've got a brilliant one.
That's very true It's a acting and directing partnership who you would have heard before on this show last time we played them They really delivered in terms of stupidity this week.
They're out doing themselves with one of the most
Brain blastingly idiotic commentary clips ever so stay tuned for that, but let's have a free free play right now this is one of my favorite bands of all time and Not the birdie song again.
What don't you like the tweets?
people love the tweets okay play the tweets then well no I'm not gonna now that you've said that I'm not gonna play them because why are you gonna play I can't you just diss the tweets like well I think I manufactured pop all right man you really bring me down sorry but you know had enough of the tweets I'm not gonna play the tweets I'm gonna play Kraftwerk instead
There you go, that was Tour de France by Kraftwerk.
But here's an amazing fact for you, I re-edited that myself to take all my favourite sections and put them all together, so I hope I haven't ruined that for anyone.
It's all about you this week, Adam.
It's mainly about me.
Because of course last night, Adam appeared in Channel 4's hit sitcom, The IT Crowd.
The IT Crowd, you can say it either way.
Which was fantastic, congratulations.
Thanks very much indeed.
It's great to have you in the studio.
Well, it's a pleasure to be here.
Thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule.
First of all, is it true about the movie role?
Mission Impossible 4?
Yes, it is true.
Based just on that appearance last night?
Absolutely.
They've told me that I'm no longer in the running.
So yes, it's true.
And tell us a bit about what it's like, what it's like on the set of the IT crowd.
Is that an exciting experience?
I thought you were going to say just to be famous.
Well no, tell us anything.
Well, Joe, to be famous is amazing.
It's amazing.
There's a song by The Streets which discusses the phenomenon and I agree with Mike Skinner.
It is very difficult when you're famous.
You probably know him.
Do you know him?
I do know Mike Skinner.
I choose to ignore him.
Is he in the IT crowd?
He's not.
He probably came to watch it filmed.
He wasn't allowed in.
He wanted to be in the IT crowd.
But he's famous and you're famous.
I'm more famous.
Famous people hang out together.
Has he tried to sleep with you?
He did try and sleep with me.
Have you got scratches on your back off of Mike Skinner's fingers?
Yes I do.
Oh dirty.
And I like them.
No, come on, seriously though.
What kind of interview is this?
It's a sexy one.
Listen, so the IT crowd, what was it like?
Well, do you want a serious answer?
Yeah, I don't know.
Well, serious answer, it was really good fun.
It was the first.
I've only ever been in one of those sort of things.
I was in Swiss Tony once.
I had one line.
I saw you in that.
Did you?
Yeah, you were good.
Thanks very much for my one line.
Yeah, that was a really good line.
Thank you.
But you had more lines in the IT crowd, didn't you?
Yeah, I had a few scenes.
Basically the episode pivoted around you.
More or less.
And I had to do a lot of screaming.
Yes.
And in fear.
I liked that.
And when I went and auditioned for the role, the director, Graham Linehan, who is a friend of ours, we should add.
Well, otherwise you wouldn't have got the role.
No, well I don't know.
I went in, I was up against other people for it.
I was being sarcastic, I don't mean that.
Yeah, but it's quite possible that there was some favouritism involved.
Anyway, I was very pleased that I got it and I had to do a great deal of screaming when I went in and I was very nervous because I'm not a good screamer, generally, because I'm a quite reserved person.
But no, it was really good fun and lots of nerve-wracking.
Hey, sorry to cut you off, that was always interesting, but do one of the lines from it.
Say one of the things you said in it.
OK.
I was the last person to sleep with her.
Wow.
I remember that.
That was a good bit.
Listen, I'd just like to make it clear as well that I am doing very well as a director and a writer.
Yeah.
So just because you're not seeing me on telly doesn't mean that in any way, Adam's better than me.
Yeah.
I'd just like to make that clear.
So that's brilliant.
I'm going to ask Adam some more questions about the IT crowd later, and if you want to text or email questions, then go ahead.
You know the number and the text.
It's divided opinion, the IT crowd.
Man, I think it's brilliant.
I think it's one of the funniest things on telly.
Maybe apart from, or maybe it's precisely equal with the boosh.
Which BBC Two have buried on Monday nights at 11.15.
Well let's hope... It would be nice if Channel 4... But at least Channel 4 give these things a big push, you know?
You've got, on the one hand, you've got the Mighty Boosh that has been completely unadvertised and untrailed but is genius and is suffering because it isn't hyped enough.
On the other hand, you've got the IT crowd that's massively hyped with a big campaign and as a result people are disappointed because their expectations are astronomical.
But the Boosh aren't suffering, though.
They're doing pretty amazingly well.
They're doing pretty well, but that show should be in a proper slot at a proper time.
Their DVD is amazing.
They are amazing.
They're amazing!
You know, a lot of people complain about what they think is canned laughter.
We should talk about that in more detail.
Shall we do a record and come back to that?
Absolutely.
Just keep things peppy.
Ooh, peppy!
Pepe Le Pew.
I love you, Pepe.
You know you were talking about the Dead 60s earlier.
Why don't we play some?
This is magical.
That was the Dead 60s with Riot Radio.
You're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
We'll be back shortly.
That was the Choral Within the Morning, the first single to be taken from the Liverpool Six Pieces' fourth album, The Invisible Invasion.
That was one of my, sorry to interrupt Joe, that was one of my favourite singles of last year.
Oh terrific, the in touch you are.
Tell us something else about the Choral, quickly now.
They hurt when you step on them.
OK, yeah, this is Adam and Joe XFM.
Did I say that already?
London's won a 4.9.
It's time for crap commentary competition, and that means it's time for the jingle.
I.M.T.B.
Oh, that was lovely.
You know, is there any way we could have that released as a single?
Uh, as a jingle single.
A jingle singly?
A jingly singly.
Yeah.
Yeah, us singles are dead though, man.
Ringtone.
The kids love the ringtones.
Everything, it's all about the mobile phones now, isn't it?
It is, yeah, but you know?
You know what, Joe?
Have we just realized that?
Yeah, you know what?
I can't imagine a family sitting around on a Friday night watching a mobile phone.
What?
That's, I don't know.
Let's do this competition anyway.
This is the part of the show where you have to call in and tell us who is speaking and what film they're talking about.
This is an excerpt from a famous, well is it a famous film?
It's a recently released film and this director and actor combination have appeared on the show before making idiots of themselves and they're about to do it again with even more strength and force.
Adam do you want to pick up this?
Right.
So this first clip features the director talking about a specific scene in the film, which features some gunplay.
In fact, many of the clips in the film, well, the whole film is more or less just a big, long gunplay festival.
But he's talking here about the fact that he was very excited on the day of the big gun scene because he absolutely loves guns.
Who took that bullet?
You.
I took that bullet.
You took that bullet.
You did take it.
You love it.
You get excited round guns.
I'm so excited about this day.
I've got a fucking illness, mate.
I tell you, I think I'm ill.
It's not an animal nut.
You're not an animal nut.
No, but the next film that I'm writing, there's just more and more guns in it and stuff, and I think I've got an illness round weapons.
I think I'll have it looked at.
As I told you, I shot 30 rabbits the other night.
I'm sick in the head.
I'm sick in the head, mate.
But the worst thing is I feel nothing about it.
I've got no morals.
And I've done some squirrels the next morning.
and he's done a couple of squirrels and here the **** they're getting, all apparently the squirrels.
That's funny.
Where did he find 30 rabbits anyway?
Well they're posh, they're like Guy Ritchie, they live on massive estates in the countryside.
As soon as they stop recording the commentary it's, oh you love it, love it, yeah be spash posh.
Was that suitable Duncan?
Now listen I'm going for a little shoot.
Daddy's got a problem with squirrels, they're a frightful test.
And then he reads the Guardian.
I mean, you've got to just go into a rabbit warren to shoot 30 rabbits.
Probably he just buys them from the butcher, probably, and puts them on a wall and shoots them.
08712221049.
If you know who that was talking and what movie they were talking about, it's a newish movie on the new release shelves of your local blokebusters.
To give you a clue, have we got another clip?
Yeah.
Here's a clip right now which actually reveals that the director has got some kind of a brain that he's using.
He makes a kind of interesting point about sex scenes.
Yeah.
Oh yeah this is good this one.
And he does raise a really very valid point about sex scenes in films.
Yeah sorry I was going to make an inuendonic comment but I won't.
About raising valid points.
Yeah.
Well here he goes.
This is always mad to do a sex scene, you know what I mean?
It's always just a mad, odd thing, innit?
You know what I mean?
I'll tell you something as well.
I said, don't take your bra off.
I don't want anything explicit.
And I'll tell you why.
Because if you've watched as much porn as I have, none of this means anything to you.
You shoot a sex scene, it doesn't mean anything.
No.
You can't make sex scenes work.
So the best thing to do for me was to go completely the other way.
I don't get your carpets out.
I don't want to see all your bum and all that.
Just do it really quick.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Do you know what I mean?
Don't get your carpets out.
What's a carpet?
I mean, and surely you've only got one of them.
No, I think he's saying like, you know... Oh, ladies in general do not get your carpets out.
Yeah, don't get any carpets out.
Yeah.
Because if you're planning on... Or all of your bum.
He's just got an interesting use of plural.
I like it.
Don't get all your bum out.
But he's right, isn't he?
That's the thing.
He's absolutely right.
If you want to see really naughty things in this day and age, you can see them very easily.
They don't need to be slipped into proper films like they used to have to be in the 50s and 60s when you couldn't get access and 70s to dirtiness in the high street or on your computer.
As witnessed by, there was the 100 Sexiest Moments a few weeks ago on TV.
Missed it.
Missed that.
Hosted by a really exciting young presenter.
Cool.
Jimmy Carr.
Yeah, he was very good.
And he linked all these sexy clips together.
But it was an odd experience watching it because you kind of carried on just sort of thinking surely something sexy is going to happen sooner or later.
And they showed slightly edited versions of all these sex scenes.
So it was even more anemic than the sex scene normally is in a film.
Not sexy.
It was a very frustrating experience.
08712221049 if you know what director that was, making a very good point about carpets and bums, and you could win them tickets.
Have we got another clip or is that it?
We'll play another clip when we get a caller, why don't we?
Okay, so there we go, call 08712221049 if you know the answer to that competition, and the phone lines are open now!
Let's Morrissey with You Have Killed Me.
Why have you killed me?
The Manchester Pope of Mirth's 8th solo album, Ringleader of the Tormentors is where that single is from.
It's out on April the 3rd, very exciting.
For Morrissey fans, we've got Lee on the line.
Hello Lee.
Hello.
Are you a Morrissey fan?
No, not at all.
No, you're a cheerful, upbeat bloke.
So you reckon you know who it is behind our crap commentary competition?
Shall we just play another clip to remind listeners who we're talking about?
Have a listen to this clip, Lee.
It might give you new ideas or make you rethink your guess.
Now, this is a point in the commentary where we have seen a couple of ladies kissing each other in the film.
What?
I know, it's very... Why would ladies kiss each other?
It's disturbing and confusing.
Probably related.
And the star of the film is admitting... Does it go like this?
Hello, Cynthia.
Hello.
No, it's more involved than that.
And the star of the film is admitting that he got quite excited when he saw that scene.
If you're heterosexual, you've got to do it.
Look, look at her.
Look.
Yeah.
I had a lazy one near that day, I remember that story.
Yeah, no, that's all right.
You can say that.
This is a forum for you to be able to speak your mind, son.
But I love you Charles, only joking about that.
But I did have a lazy one.
She's a good soul, you've got to hold your hands up sometimes.
Yeah, I had lips up with her in the scene later, didn't I?
Yeah, you've got to chuck one in there.
You've got to be done, innit?
Everything goes better with lesbians.
Lee?
Yes.
You still with us?
Yes, I'm here.
Well, what's your guess?
Erm, it sounds like Daniel Craig, so it's Layer Cake.
It sounds like Daniel Craig?!
Daniel Craig is a posh man!
He's a poshie!
But Layer Cake because it's full of gangsters and shooting and I don't think there are any lesbians in Layer Cake.
There probably were, you know.
They probably didn't get involved.
They're probably too sophisticated.
No, I'm sure there probably were.
It's a good guess, Lee, but it's incorrect, I'm afraid.
Do you want to win some tickets anyway, Lee?
Yeah, I'd love to.
Would you like to go and see the delays at Shepherd's Bush Empire on Tuesday the 7th of March?
Yeah.
They might be a bit late on stage.
Look at them, delayed!
help us what about the dead 60s at the Astoria they might not get on stage at all cuz they're dead Lee there you go well what which one did you want
There you go, good choice.
Thanks for calling, and that's a good guess.
This competition goes on.
In a way I'm pleased, because we have another couple of clips to play of these extraordinary young men.
So keep calling.
008712221049 is the number.
Are we gonna have some music first, then another crazy clip?
Let's play some music.
Now this is one of your favourite bands, Joe.
I love, is this Oasis?
This is the Oasis.
Man, they embody my attitude to life.
Your cocky swagger.
My cocky swagger.
Let's rock.
That was the feeling with Sown, Sown, spelt S-E-W-N, as in you have sown something, you have been sowing.
Yeah, hello Adam?
Yeah, I'm just thinking about it but it might be the beginning of Sownot.
They're self-described soft rock archaeologists and the band are out to make easy listening hip.
There you go.
And that's a top tip from XFM for 2006.
They're going to be huge.
The feeling.
That's quite good.
Maybe easy listening is coming back in, which is quite good for our dishes today because it's got an easy listening theme.
XFM London's 104.9.
You're listening to Adam and Joe here on a Saturday afternoon.
It's time to try and solve this crap commentary quandary.
So far, we've had a wrong guess of layer cake.
So let's we play another clip, Adam?
Yeah.
Yeah, and have another listen to our Cockney friends.
Cockney Sparrows.
Okay, so in this clip, the director is talking about the fact that his star, who is in the studio doing a commentary with him, looks lovely in the shot that they're looking at.
Looks young and handsome.
And so this takes him off on a kind of inappropriate reverie.
He looked like a film star in that, I've got to say.
So young and untouched, that's the thing.
He looked like a little virgin out there.
I felt like a pedophile shooting that thing.
So that's some sort of like a noncey school teacher going, come on boy, get your strides down, you know what I mean?
So he'll be all right.
I've just got a nice little Helix ruler.
I'm going to beat you across the crust with it.
Beat him across the what?
The crust?
The crust.
We've got Brett on the line.
Hello.
Is it Brett?
Yeah.
Hello, Brett.
Hello.
How you doing?
Good, thanks.
You enjoying the show?
Loving it.
Good, good.
Loving it, loving it.
I was just doing an impression of the people that were in that clip.
Wasn't very good with that.
Whereabouts are you from, Brett?
Are you a East London boy?
No.
Do you understand the sort of language that these men are speaking?
I've no idea what they're talking about.
Do you say things like, oh I want to get an Elex ruler and beat him across the crust with it?
You've got to hold your hands up though don't you?
What's your guess Brett, who do you think it is?
Well it's Danny Dyer and Nick Dove from The Business.
Correct.
Absolutely right.
And have you seen The Business, Brett?
I have seen The Business.
Have you seen Football Factory?
Oh, there's a treat in store for you.
And what did you think of the business?
It's very, very sort of immediate.
I'd use the term in your face.
It's not a term I use at all.
Did you like the bit the sort of you know the ten minutes at the beginning or five minutes when they set everything up All they did was what did they do?
They just beat some people up and then looked into the sky and a plane flew across the sky and it wrote the words get out of it or something and I wrote something like Be the best or be the best.
Yeah, I mean that was it and that motivates the entire film Yeah, it's sort of magic realism
Yeah, but you've got to admire their chutzpah, haven't you?
Love it, you've got to love it.
You ain't made a film, have you?
Got to hold your hands up.
Well done, Brett.
Got to put you across your hands.
So there you go.
You can win.
Have we already given away the tickets to see the delays?
Nope.
No.
Do you want to go and see the delays?
Say yes, Brett.
There you go.
They might be a little bit late on stage.
Thanks for calling.
Thank you very much.
And yeah, that's that.
So that's Crap Commentary Corner for this week.
And that's all we're going to hear from Nick Love and Danny Dyer until a couple of months time when they've done another one.
Probably called The Bish Bosh.
I do recommend it.
That would be a good text competition.
Come up with the new Danny Dyer and Nick Love film.
Yeah, that'll be excellent.
We should do that next week.
Yeah, the slam sandwich.
That's what it would be called.
The slam sandwich, that's quite good isn't it?
That is quite good.
I'll write that down.
You know what, I do recommend the business though.
I have to admit, I didn't actually watch the film.
I just went straight for the commentary.
To the commentary.
And it was very enjoyable right the way through.
Man, I watched it on a plane and it was very enjoyable.
It made the flight fly by.
There you go.
Yeah.
You'd be depressed if the flight didn't fly by though.
Yeah.
What?
Music.
Yes, music.
This is Kanye West and Rhyme Fest with brand new Rhyme Fest.
Kanye West and Rhymefest with Brand New.
That's the first hour of our show done.
After these adverts, we're going to be back with another hour of excitement, including a journey into the extraordinary accent of Werner Herzog.
Ditties in the Dock coming up at the end of the show, plus this week's controversial hot potato.
Our CHP, which is canned laughter in sitcoms.
Where do you stand?
Joe and I are going to be discussing the whole issue and brilliantly deconstructing it.
Yeah, so stay tuned if you're listening.
That was Jack Johnson with Better Together, the fourth single taken from the Hawaiian surfer-stroke-singer-stroke-a-songwriter's third album, In Between Dreams.
Follow up to Sitting, Waiting and Wishing, which came out in November.
That's very interesting.
And before that, you heard the Arctic Monkeys, of course.
Of course.
When the sun goes down.
The spotty superstars from Sheffield.
The spotty, sarcastic geniuses.
So listen, last week, listeners, you might remember that I gave you a little glimpse into the world of Timothy Treadwell, the star of Werner Herzog's new documentary, Grizzly Man, which I hope everyone went out and saw.
If you haven't, I do highly recommend it.
This week,
I'd like to talk a bit about Werner Herzog himself, who's obviously a very famous German film director.
One of the great things about watching a Herzog documentary is his voice and his extraordinary pronunciation.
Adam and I are connoisseurs of funny voices in the media.
Adam, you do a very good Tom Pauling, don't you?
Give us a bit of Tom Pauling.
Well, Joe, I think it's absolutely extraordinary.
There you go.
So there's Pauline.
Someone else with a very interesting funny voice from the media is Mark Cousins, the film critic.
Do a little bit of Cousins.
I get confused with Cousins and Pauline.
Mark Cousins, he's the freak.
Oh, that's terrible.
I can't do it.
Well, Joe, let's talk about this film here.
Okay, there you go.
Brilliant.
So there's Pauline, there's Cousins.
Now what about, do you do a Schwarzenegger?
This is building up, so you know, stick with it, it's building up something, it's going somewhere.
Do you do a sfartsy?
Do you remember when I told you I'd kill you?
I lied.
Yeah, what about something from Junior?
My skin.
Junior!
Yes, Larry, Larry, feel my skin, it's so soft.
So there you go.
So my theory is that if you combine Tom Paulin, Mark Cousins and Arnold Schwarzenegger, you get Werner Herzog.
Let's see if that's true by hearing a little clip of his voiceover from Grizzly Man.
Her family declined to appear on camera and Amy herself remains hidden in Treadwell's footage.
In nearly 100 hours of his video, she appears exactly two times.
We never see her face.
Here it is obscured by her hands and her hair.
And her hair.
He really says every word in a way that you cannot possibly predict.
Every time, that's obviously not very good, but every time you think he's German, he goes American.
Every time you think he's American, he goes sort of posh English and then he just goes into space
Her hair.
And her hands.
Her hair.
And her hands.
So I want you to do an impression of this accent, Adam, because you're pretty good with accents.
So let's listen to one more clip, and then I want to hear your... Because if you can do Pauline and cousins and Svarzi to that quality, you should be able to mix and blend all three and create a Herzog.
Let's hear some more genuine Herzog.
To me, there is no such thing as a secret world of the bears.
And this blank stare speaks only of a half-bored interest in food.
Bears.
To me, there is no such thing as an interest in bears.
No, that's not very good, is it?
I know that is quite good.
But he sounds as if he is fed up and slightly disgusted with everything.
But as soon as you think he is disgusted, he sounds very sympathetic.
There's another film, another documentary about the making of Fitzcarraldo called Burden of Dreams on which it was beset by all kinds of problems.
The film was about this guy who wants to set up an opera house in the jungle or something and he gets all these tribes people to shift an enormous
Paddle steamer?
That's right, over a mountain.
And more or less, that's what the, you know, the cast and crew had to do sort of thing.
They had to deal with the same problems that the guy in the film had to deal with.
So it was a bit of a nightmare.
Anyway, I recommend it if you can get hold of it.
It's called Burden of Dreams.
But the connection there is that's where that brilliant Herzog quote comes from when he talks about basically Herzog thinks that the world is a disgusting place, that nature is brutal and murderous and that man's natural state is just to kill
destroy and other rude words everywhere i look in the jungle i see murder is what he says yeah and that's that he has the same attitude to the bears but there you go uh that's us doing the hard salon who's so talented that just the sound of his voice is amazing
So what were you saying before about him getting shot by a BB gun?
This was last week's news.
I'll do that quickly because music fans might be getting music withdrawal symptoms.
But he was being interviewed by, I think, Mark Camode, the famous cowboy stroke film critic, who carries a copy of The Exorcist around and wears a piece of string for a tie.
And he was interviewing him on a mountain and some bloke just shot him.
with a pellet gun I think and there was blood and Herzog fell over and I think he goes oh don't worry that thing happens to me all of the time it is my one of my fans did he say it's okay I'm not badly Herzog he should have said that let's have some music all right then now here's one of my favorite bands haven't played this band for a while and it's one of my favorite tracks by them this is Spoon with 30 gallon tank
That was the Gorillaz with Dare.
The Gorillaz, the big hairy bunch of sillies.
That's right, it's out of a joke.
On London's XFM, it might stand for xylophone funny music.
must be attempting to tell jokes.
Why are we playing that sound effect Adam?
Well that is what's known of course as canned laughter.
Brilliant.
Now that's laughter that is played in off a CD or you know pre-recorded laughter basically that just has nothing to do with what's actually happening in the studio at the time and we're talking about the It crowd earlier on Channel 4's new sitcom and I've been noticing that a lot of people have been criticizing it for having canned laughter what they call canned laughter.
And of course it doesn't actually have canned laughter, it has the laughter of a live studio audience that was watching the show being taped.
What were watching?
What were being watched?
What was watching?
What was watching the show being done?
So, just generally, a lot of people think any laughter they hear on the telly is canned.
Unless they see the audience themselves, they think it's fake.
Sometimes, even when they see the audience, they think it's fake.
That's right.
And then they get confused by the fact that some bits could not conceivably have been recorded live.
Bits that require special effects or special camera editing, etc.
So what they don't realize, I think, is that in those situations, the audience is seeing the pre-recorded section being played into them.
So, for example, on The It Crowd, you've got the whole thing taking place.
A lot of it takes place in their little nerdy nutty room.
Yeah, now you speak with authority for anyone who's just tuned in, because you had a little part in The It Crowd.
I saw it all being done, and so they build, they shoot it in Teddington Studios.
It's like going to the theatre, isn't it?
Yeah, exactly.
And the bits that aren't in front of you are played on tellies in front of you, so every response is real.
Yeah, that's right.
But sometimes they do things twice and the warm-up guy goes, laugh at this as if it's the first time you've laughed at it.
So it is true to say that some of the... if you were being really pernickety...
Yeah, but I think that's fair enough.
Graham Linehan, who directs the IT Graham wrote it, said to me that someone criticized him once for using a laugh from a previous take.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like they had a technical problem with a joke that otherwise went down very well.
So they had to retake it.
And then the audience laughed less strongly the second time because they'd already seen the joke.
Yeah.
So they used the original laugh over the second take.
Yeah, it's a minefield, it's a minefield.
If you're a pedantic comedy fan, nothing pleases you.
People get very upset.
People get upset, but people are funny in terms of their relationship to fiction and reality, aren't they?
It's like, do you remember when somebody did an expose on the fact that on BBC wildlife documentaries they don't film it all outside, sometimes they take the little animals inside, simulate the greenery and then film them.
Oh yeah.
And so people said, well that's not a documentary.
Right.
It's not wildlife, because you've taken them indoors.
There was a big scandal, wasn't there?
And wasn't Mr. Attenborough Lord Attenborough?
Yeah, he had to, like, defend himself.
Similarly, in America, there's a man who's written a book called A Million Little Pieces about his experience as a drug addict.
It was chosen for Oprah Winfrey's book club.
Now she's discovered that some of it's fictional, and she hauled him on her show and humiliated him in front of the whole of America.
No way!
Because his story is slightly exaggerated.
But that's fiction, Oprah!
Really?
You know, yeah.
That's another that's another amazing story.
But people have a very funny relationship with truth.
They don't understand that the point of made up things is to be extra truthful by being made up.
You can sometimes be even more truthful by lying.
Plus, it's to go back to the whole canned laughter thing or the live studio audience laughter in this case, it's totally appropriate for the kind of show it is.
It's a big, mad cartoonish show.
It's designed to be
seen by a live audience.
If you didn't have a laugh track on there, you couldn't hear the audience laughing, it would feel really sparse, like did you ever see Ben Elton's sitcom, Blessed?
No.
That didn't have a laugh track, that was what they call a single camera show, i.e.
it was not shot in front of a live audience, but it was paced and written as if it should be, you know what I mean?
So you'd have all these big clunky gags, and then no one would laugh, including the people watching it at home, and it felt really, really weird and sparse.
Let's see what We Are Scientists have to say about this argument.
Yes, that's a good way of wrapping it up for you there.
That's concluding this week's HCP.
Controversial hot potato.
CHP.
This is We Are Scientists with It's A Hit.
That was We Are Scientists with It's A Hit.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Now a couple of weeks ago, I don't know whether you saw this Adam, Channel 4 did an extraordinary expose on low-cost airlines.
Oh yes, about... How they all fall asleep and it's all dirty and they don't repair the planes proper and all that sort of stuff.
Well it was about one airline specifically, wasn't it?
I don't know and I don't think we should mention them just in case there's any kind of legal action.
But, you know, with absolutely no connection, do you ever watch the series Airline?
where people have arguments in airports.
So here's my question for you Adam Buxton and everybody listening on this lovely Saturday afternoon.
How does that airline stay in business?
Because everybody has an awful time.
Isn't it Stelios' airline?
Yeah, it's EasyJet.
But that program is just a parade of misery, of arguments and misery.
Every single person that seems to fly EasyJet seems to go not be able to get on board and then have a huge argument with the staff who don't give an inch because they're on telly and they assume we side with them because they're the underdogs.
I think they're just being open about what it's really like in an airport.
Yeah, but they're being too open.
Because it looks like a nightmare flying on there, doesn't it?
You're guaranteed an argument with a stupid woman in an orange apron.
No, all the people that get into arguments are mental anyway.
Well, I don't know.
It's just to me, it's just people complaining the whole time and saying things like, I demand to see your superior.
saying look I'm a journalist and this made me think about you know times when you're complaining to someone on the phone and you maybe tell a little lie try and get a little more back yes and you know you feel that this is futile if they just think I'm a normal spot they're not gonna I'm not gonna get anything out of them so I'll pretend
I'm someone more powerful.
It's like that thing when you go into a restaurant and you get bad service.
I say you as if other people have done this.
And I'm not saying I've done it, but when the waitress goes past you might mumble something under your breath like, yeah and the review's being published on Tuesday.
Yeah.
And that's why I stopped being the food critic for the Times.
Just as the waiter goes past.
You ever do that?
Yeah and Jamie Oliver said to me... Yeah, in airline people try all sorts of stuff.
I'm a journalist of the good one.
The other day there was a woman who said, look I have a friend who works closely with Tony Blair.
Now, what's that supposed to do?
How would you actually carry that threat through?
Well, he didn't let me on the plane, so I'm going to call my friend who works closely with Tony Blair and get that person, what, put in prison?
Put in prison or get some bill to shut the airline down.
Get Tony Blair to tick them off?
Increase the price of petrol for EasyJet.
Anyway, those are the sorts of questions that go through my head when I'm watching airline.
What's the most outrageous thing you've ever complained about and sort of pulled rank on?
I pretended I was doing a radio documentary about council services in order to get my council to clean up a little park around the corner from me.
Did you get any joy?
Yep.
Really?
Yep.
That's fantastic.
Yeah.
Result.
That's never worked for you.
Have you told some sort of a lie, Adam?
Yeah, I think I did.
I got very frustrated with this years ago.
In the old days when I was still trying to be thin, I bought a running machine and the running machine broke fairly quickly.
And then I tried to get the company to take it back and it took years and years of misery and phone calls and it just, it was awful.
And then I pretended that I was making a documentary for the BBC about bad service.
That's all I could think of.
That's terrible.
I thought you said a documentary about broken running machines.
No, it wouldn't.
We should try this next week.
Let's call someone up and do it live on the radio and do the most rubbish lie about what your authority is and see whether they go for it.
OK, we should play some more music.
Here's the Zootons with Why Won't You Give Me Your... What?
I don't know.
It just says, why won't you give me you?
That's a good enough title.
Your love.
Yeah.
But why won't you give me you?
I can't give me you.
I want you me.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9.
It's time for Ditties in the Dock.
Yes, this is the part of the show where we pitch two records to you and you choose what one we finish the show off with.
It's very, very simple.
The number to call is 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 0 8 7 1 22 2 1 0 4 4 4 4 9
That's a bit confusing.
Yeah, sorry, 087122149.
So here we go.
This week's theme is middle-of-the-road music, Radio 2 style music that makes you feel all soft and warm and comfy, unlike the sort of spiky rock youth nonsense they play.
Not nonsense, brilliant stuff, they play here on XFM.
Yeah, I was thinking about calling this category guilty pleasures, but I think that's misleading, that whole guilty pleasures thing.
It's overused as well.
It's overused.
It's Sean Rowley's domain.
Sean Rowley's domain, but the whole notion of guilty pleasures in music I think is ridiculous.
I don't feel guilty about any piece of music that I enjoy.
A sudden spike of opinion and anger.
It's a CHP.
But anyway, I love the music that we are voting for this week.
Can I pitch mine first?
Yeah, you go ahead.
OK, I'm going to start with my pitch then.
I want you to call 0871 2221049 and vote for the Carpenters with On Top of the World.
Oh, it's a smash.
It's such a jolly friendly, you know, upbeat song.
It'll make everyone feel happy.
And a topical carpenters fact.
Did you know that Gene Simmons
Rock Genius and host of Channel 4's show, Rock School, that finished the other day, once made a pass at Karen Karpen, so tried to sleep with her.
Did he really, and did she go for it?
Well, she just told her, no, he told her that he just slept with everybody, and no, she refused.
Right.
The one person that didn't sleep with Gene Simmons.
He reckons that he's, um, I heard him admit that his standards aren't very high, so he just pretty much used to sleep with any old boiler.
You know, I think that's, I think that is the hidden fact between any, you know, underneath anyone who has a reputation for
many conquests.
I think basically the truth is I got no standards.
He said something about like one of the other guys in Kiss.
Oh you know he didn't sleep with quite so many people because he liked the lookers.
So there you go call 08712221049 and vote for The Carpenters with On Top of the World or... Okay I want you to vote for Neil Diamond.
Now Neil Diamond is someone I always enjoyed but he's never been a particularly fashionable character.
I suppose maybe he was around the time of The Jazz Singer.
Perhaps a film about his life starring himself, I believe.
Anyway, he had an album- Wasn't it a remake of The Jazz Singer?
The Jazz Singer.
The famous, the first tour keeper.
Was it?
Yeah, there you go.
I'm sorry about that kind of thing, I don't know.
But apart from that, he has had an album out recently produced by Rick Rubin.
I'm not going to actually choose one of the tracks from the Rick Rubin album.
I haven't heard it myself.
I don't know, it's supposed to be good.
But the word is that it's not quite as spectacular as what Rick Rubin did for Johnny Cash.
Yeah, so I want you to vote for a song of his called Cracklin' Rosie.
And he goes like this.
Cracklin' Rosie, get on board.
It's amazing, and it has the refrain, play it now, play it now, play it now, my babe.
Goes on like that.
Do you remember that one, Joe?
Yeah, that rings a bell, but it might sound like a different song.
That's a smash.
You sung it very well.
Thanks very much.
You've got a strong, authoritative voice.
Okay, so, is it gonna be The Carpenters or Neil Diamond?
On top of the world of Crackling Rosie, call 0871-222-1049.
Everybody who gets on the air wins a copy of William H. Mace's film about a man what makes gamblers unlucky called The Cooler.
Call now!
There's Adam and Joe on XFM.
You join us at the gut-wrenching conclusion of the show.
It's time to resolve Ditties in the Dock.
This week, it's a middle-of-the-road, Radio 2-style, easy-listening play-off between Neil Diamond with what?
Cracklin' Rosie.
And the Carpenters with On Top of the World.
Both tracks guaranteed to cockle your warmth.
What?
Of your heart.
You know what I mean.
We've got John on the line.
Is it John?
Yeah.
Hello, John.
Hey, John.
How you doing?
All right, all right.
How's your Saturday going?
Yeah, what are you up to?
I've been doing some filming today actually.
What have you been filming?
Kind of like action sports stuff.
Action sports stuff?
Do you work for the Extreme Sports Channel or something?
Yeah, I do.
Oh, do you really?
Well, I make a show for them, yeah.
I want to get you guys on it.
Do you ever watch The Groms on Channel 5?
I love that show.
Yeah, they're good though.
Not many of them are Groms anymore.
no obviously not as good as your stuff or whatever but man i love that show i'd so christian is he called christian stevenson that funny canadian dude yeah yeah on that bus it just looks like such a laugh like they go across america he takes he takes five six teenagers across america and they skate in every single skate park in the states coast to coast and it's just oh it's really good anyway but we're getting off the subject what are you voting for john
Carpenters.
Oh yeah.
Are you a big fan of the Carpenters?
On a road trip you can't go wrong with the Carpenters.
Good choice.
Carpenters greatest hits.
Well done John.
Thanks for calling.
Thanks for voting.
That's one nil to Cornish.
You win a copy of the William H Macy movie The Cooler.
You excited about that?
I can't wait to see it again.
Probably in the fridge.
Nice Joe, yeah.
Cheers John, good luck with the action sports.
I always say action sports makes me think of people playing football with machine guns!
If only they'd do that.
Jess, are you on the line there?
Yes, hello.
How are you doing Jess?
I'm very good, thank you.
Jess, we hear your phone is running out of batteries which gives it a sort of, you know, what they call a ticking clock in drama.
It makes it more exciting.
At any moment your phone could cut out
I wouldn't get to vote.
I know, exactly.
Imagine, imagine.
So let's get that out of the way first.
Who are you voting for?
I'm going to go for Neil Diamond, please.
Diamond, thank you very much.
Diamond of Diamond.
Are you a fan of Diamond?
Yes.
Oh, absolutely.
Can't go wrong with life of Sweet Caroline.
Sexy man?
You think he's a sexy man?
Oh, absolutely.
Still sexy?
Right up my street.
Right up your street.
Steady.
Okay.
What are you up to this afternoon, Jess?
I've just been out running, so I'm just going to get ready today for the defence for dinner.
You sound as if you have been out running.
You're very perky.
I bet you're fit.
I bet you are fit.
I bet you're physically fit.
All that running.
I bet you're fit.
Yeah, I bet you're fit.
Where do you run?
I'll come and run with you.
I bet you haven't got any fat.
I bet you're not fat.
I like a bloke who runs.
Do you have a ciggy after you've had a run?
No, that's a look.
Really?
It's a good idea.
How long did you run for?
I'll tell you what, have a Mickey D's instead.
Have a Mickey D's after a run.
How long's your run last Jess?
It was just an hour.
An hour?
Really?
That's almost as long as this link.
That's unbelievable.
Hey Jess, thanks for voting.
So it's 1-0.
You win a copy of The Cooler as well.
We're going to have to accelerate through this a bit.
Is that Larry?
Larry, are you there?
No, it's Luisa.
Luisa?
Luisa.
Is your name Luisa?
Or is it pronounced Luisa?
Luisa.
Where's that from?
Um, well, my dad was in Mount Salvador.
Right.
And I'm from London.
I bet you that makes life complicated, doesn't it?
Because people must just call you Luisa the whole time.
Yeah.
And then you have to say, no, it's Luisa.
And then they look at you like, it's the same thing, but you're just pronouncing it wrong.
And then you get into a big fight and then you lose all your friends and then you're begging.
Yeah.
You're going to have to be like this.
So listen, Luisa, I'm going to do it with a say with a T-H.
Yeah?
Hello?
I'm fine.
Who are you voting for?
The carpenters.
Well done.
That's 2-1 to Cornish.
Oh, thanks very much for your call Louisa.
Thanks Louisa.
And finally we go to Harry.
Hello Harry.
Hello.
You're spelt with an H-A-R-R-I.
Is that correct?
That's right.
Harry?
Yes, that's for Harriet.
Harriet Krishna.
And Harry, what do you do for a living?
I'm a magazine designer.
Really?
What magazine do you design?
Do you want to say?
You don't have to say anything.
I can say I design for Bliss magazine.
Oh, Bliss is a beautifully designed magazine.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, no, it's all pink and it's got pretty girls on it.
And then it's got problem pages, hasn't it?
How many problem pages has it got?
It's got quite a few.
One for boys, one for girls.
Very useful information for those girls out there.
I still find that information useful.
You know a lot about Bliss Jo.
I do, I read Bliss and Sneak because they're always in the XFM office and they've got their latest pictures of Preston and the lads from Busted.
There you go.
Gotta keep up to date with their tattoos and stuff.
Surely it's quite easy to design a magazine, you just get a load of pages and stick them together.
What a stupid thing to say, wasn't that a stupid thing to say?
Easy to design a magazine.
Couldn't be harder.
So Harry, what are you voting for?
Oh!
Well done.
Buxton's out of the picture, I didn't even realise.
Buxton's totally painted out of the picture.
Well done, that's 3-1 to Cornish making the fifth caller obsolete.
Harry there wins a copy of The Cooler.
That'll be exciting, you can lend it to everybody else who works on Bliss.
Excellent, thank you very much.
They'll be excited about that free DVD.
Absolutely.
Thanks for your call Harry, we really appreciate it.
So that's the end of the show this week.
We're playing you out with The Carpenters.
You know what, I'm not that gutted because this is a lovely song.
Oh it is lovely.
Thanks for listening everybody and we'll be back with you next week.
I love you, bye!
There is wonder in most everything I see Not a cloud in the sky Got the sun in my eyes And I won't be surprised if it's a dream Everything I want the world to be Is now coming true, especially for me
The reason is clear It's because you are here You're the nearest thing to heaven that I've seen I'm on top of the world again Down on creation And the only explanation I can find Is the love that I've found Ever since you've been around Your love's put me at the top of the world