Love music, love XFM
this is xfm hello this is adam buckston my i am my name is joe cornish a bit german there my name is my name is my name is this is the adam and joe radio show we're with you for the next two hours here on xfm great music coming up from siguros the white stripes dirty pretty things radio heads the editors not the editors editors that's only the first hour have we got a celebrity regression adam we've
We've got a semi-tough celebrity regression coming up.
We've got Mighty Boosh tickets to give away.
We've got Mighty Boosh DVDs to give away.
I'd like to do a deal or no deal based experiment in the show today.
Fantastic.
I'd like to help you with that.
A scientific deal or no deal experiment.
Plus, I'd like to enter the world of Nadine Baguette and pentapeptides as well.
I'd like to enter that world with you but right now let's kick things off in in grand style this is a song we didn't even play last week for some reason I don't know why but it's gonna be a massive hit here's Gnarls Barkley
Yes, that's Niles Barkley with Crazy.
Niles Barkley is of course Danger Mouse and is he called Cee-Lo?
Yeah, soul singer called Cee-Lo.
That's very good.
When I was ill earlier in the week, I was watching the repeat of Scrap Heap Challenge at five in the morning on channel four.
They were building cars with both the crash into each other and destroy each other.
And they had that song, they had the sample from that song.
uh... the baseline and it's obviously an old mariachi style track oh yeah but i wonder what that track is if any if any of the listeners know what the sample is because that's a lovely baseline and then on the original it's got a mariachi trumpet that comes in what is that let us know uh... text us 83 XFM or email adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk please uh... that single incidentally is released on the third of april uh... and it should go straight to number one surely and then probably
sort of drop out.
Cos it's so strong, it's exactly three minutes and one second.
It's very catchy.
It's sort of like a pill.
You eat it, it's majestic.
I'm sick of it.
It'll become ubiquitous, like hay-yah.
Yeah, well it's been played so much already and it hasn't even been released.
By the time it's in the shops, no-one will give an old sausage about it.
That's an old, not even an old sausage!
Old sausage is valuable these days.
Not even like an old organic sausage?
No.
Oh, that's a tragedy.
Terrible.
I'll tell you something else though.
right yeah go on then yeah that was that was it now um i was going to ask people for their help as well um because it's my brother's birthday today i hope he's not listening but i haven't really got around to getting him anything and i was really hoping that if there were any people listening on their phones around and about today in the west end in london
They might be able just to pick up a couple of things for me and bring them into the studio.
Because we're here in Leicester Square.
The XFM, er, studio is in the middle of Leicester Square, surrounded by London's Top Shops.
Exactly.
Yeah, for birthday buying.
And Top Shop.
Yeah.
So you, Adam Lazy Buxton, you want a listener who's in the West End to do your birthday shopping for your brother.
Yes.
You lazy old sausage.
Exactly.
What is it with you and Sausages today?
I don't know.
So yeah, I was hoping.
So I've got an item in mind.
Right.
Because you see the thing is, immediately after the show, I'm going straight to have lunch with him, you see, so I don't have time to pick it up myself.
You're rubbish.
I'm a bit rotten.
You're such a bad brother.
I know, it's quite bad, isn't it?
You're a bad brother.
I'm a bad brother.
Um, so I want people to pick me up a copy of, uh, My Life in the Bush of Ghosts.
I- Other th- uh, they've re-released it, haven't they?
Yeah, yeah.
David Burnham and Brian Eno.
Famous album.
I don't want the old version, I want the- the new- Digitally remastered, yeah.
spanking one with extra tracks.
And so you want someone to buy it and bring it to the studio and you'll pay them back?
And I'll pay them back, yeah.
Give them any sort of reward?
Well, we could- we could say hello to them, couldn't we?
They could be- Steve Laughs It's not much of a reward.
Steve Laughs It's amazing, man.
This is one of the most- Steve Laughs Give them some money.
People- are people care- only- only thing people care about is money these days.
Steve Laughs I've got an apple.
Steve Laughs It's half eaten.
Steve Laughs No, I've got another one.
Steve Laughs Anyway, if you can do that for Adam, call 0871 222 1049.
If you're in the West End and want to do Adam's birthday shopping, please call 0871 222 1049 and- and Adam would be very grateful.
He'll- you'll do anything.
Steve Laughs I'll do pretty much anything.
You could think of a- think of a favour that we could do in return for you- Steve Laughs
you can do it.
Alright then, I'll do something for you.
But also, I was thinking, I was hoping maybe they could pick me up an extra something.
What?
Just something, just because I'm not very good at buying presents.
Just a surprise gift for you?
No, for Dave.
For my brother.
If they can think of something really cool, I'll tell you what he's into.
He's, he's, I wouldn't say he's a nerd.
He's a nerd.
He likes video games.
He's kind of a nerd.
And he's a computer expert, an IT guy.
He loves Apple Macintosh computers.
He likes indie pop music.
Right.
And he's around about 30.
Good looking young man.
Well, you know what, man?
I think we should see whether we get any- any calls at all.
OK.
0-8-7-1- triple-two-one-oh-four-nine.
If you feel you can- you can help Adam, you know, I think it's possible we'll get no calls.
It's- it's highly possible.
You might have to bait people a bit more.
All right, then.
Well, listen, let's play some more music right now.
Uh, this is the Yeah Yeah Yes.
This is a track called Gold Lion.
And, uh, it's- it's in the shops now, I believe.
Right.
Enjoy.
Tell me where the light is
That's the yeah, yeah, yeahs.
Although I call them the yes, yes, yes.
That's gold, because I'm posh.
That's Gold Lion.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM, Saturday afternoon.
So still no callers offering to help Adam with his birthday problem.
That's a bit much, isn't it?
We might have to bake callers a bit more.
Shall we offer the Mighty Boosh tickets in return for someone doing your birthday shopping?
Birthday bidding.
Because Mighty Boosh tickets are hot.
They are.
They're like gold dirt.
All the dates are sold out.
Yep.
But apparently they've added a couple of new ones.
But we've got tickets to give away and DVDs.
What date are the tickets for?
Do we know?
And where are they for?
The 1st of April at the Apollo Hammersmith.
There you go.
I'm going to go to that one.
Are you?
Yeah, might do.
Yeah.
Yeah, that'll be exciting.
So there we go.
If you want to help Adam out with his birthday's shopping, his brother's birthday's shopping, give us a call.
I just want someone to pick me up a copy of My Life in the Bush of Ghosts by David Byrne and Brian Eno, the reissue.
If they could bring it to us here at Leicester Square, give us a call first to let us know you're going to do it.
I'll refund you if you could pick up an extra something as well, like the budget is... I don't... don't go over 20 quid, OK, with the extra present.
Then bring it in here and we'll find some way of rewarding you.
Er, you know, brouche tickets or whatever you fancy, really.
You could maybe have the, er...
picture of the arctic monkeys that joe pinned up on the wall here in xfm which made it into a magazine the other day did you see there was a article about lauren leverne interview with her in word magazine and she's standing in front of the arctic monkeys picture that you pinned up joe oh finally i've made it yeah so listen in a second listeners we're going to be playing uh celebrity regression is it a tough one this week adam it's i would say it's uh semi-tough starring semi-tough
Burt Reynolds, wasn't he in that?
Yeah.
There we go, so stand by for that.
Music first?
Yeah, let's play, let's play a little bit more music.
Here's Jack Johnson, the soppy surfer, with Good People.
there you go that's enjoyable isn't it that's uh good people by jack johnson this is adam and joe here on xfm on a saturday afternoon we're gonna play some adverts right now joe brilliant brilliant i love adverts it's always my favorite part of the show too and then when we come back a bit more music and shut up celebrity regression shut up play adverts shut up wait for the adverts shut up xfm one two
This is XFM XFM
Hmm that's the white stripes of course with my doorbell this is Adam and Joe on Xfm and I just want to say that that we've had a call from someone uh and she's told us that she's on the case with the cd for my brother yeah if you just tuned in it's Adam's brother's birthday he's been too lazy to get him a present he's going directly to the party over the show he asked the listeners to do his dirty work for him and buy the present and bring it to the studio he had to bake them with mighty boosh tickets
which have a very powerful bait in this day and age.
And Ed has stepped up to the plate.
Apparently she is currently in a shop or heading to a shop and then heading to the studio.
So that's more exciting certainly for you than it is for Ed, isn't it, Ad?
A lady called Ed?
How extraordinary.
Extraordinary.
Edwina, probably.
Edwod.
Yes.
So we're about to play Celebrity Regression.
This is the part of the show where we regress Adam into the mind in films of a famous star.
You get to call 08712221049.
Tell us who the star is and what the names of the films are.
As a prize, this week we've got a pair of tickets to the Teenage Cancer Trust gig at the Royal Albert Hall with Block Party headlining and special guests Biffy, Clairo, what?
Oh god.
Special guests?
I don't know.
Special guests Biffy, Clairo and Mystery Jets.
I know who they are.
So there we go.
That's a very good prize.
Biffy Clyro is the worst name for a band in the entire world.
Well, they're running out, man.
It's just nonsensical words.
It's all they've got left and that's probably one of the better ones.
It's like when you try and, you know, get a new name on eBay or something.
Yeah.
Register and all the good names have gone.
You just have to end- you end up just adding numbers to your name.
Yeah, exactly.
Oh, you're lucky if you can do that, Adam Buxton, 7024.
Yes, like Andre, Andre anyway, doesn't matter.
So here we go.
Are you ready to be regressed?
Yeah, I'm feeling I need a bit of a rest.
OK, 0871221 049, remember, is the number to call as soon as you guess who, what celebrity Adam's in is their head is in it and what films is happening all around them and all that sort of business and stuff.
Wickedly explained.
Nicely done, Joel, yeah.
So let's ring the bell.
Phew.
What a week it's been.
Just letting it all out of every orifice.
Out it comes.
So there we go and Adam is now deeply relaxed and we are regressing him all the way back to early infancy.
All the way back to babyhood.
All the way back to feet, feet aside, fetocity.
All the way back to sperm, spermatozoism.
And all the way back to Go-na-dah-tor.
What?
OK, he's now in the head and films of a famous film star.
He's going to open his eyes and see what's happening around him.
Listen carefully.
The second you know the name of the star in the three films, 0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
And you could be at the Royal Albert Hall seeing Bloke Party and Biffy Clyro and the Mystery Jets.
So here we go.
Adam, wake up.
Tell us what you can see.
I'm in a kitchen of a nice apartment in New York, America.
It's my birthday lunch, and my parents have laid on a modest soiree, a champagne, a muzzibucci, pringles, the such.
There's a storm raging outside, contrasting starkly with the cozy party atmosphere within.
Little do my parents suspect, however, that I too have a storm raging in my pants.
And the reason?
My English teacher is also at the party, and because I'm so very precocious intellectually, socially, and sexually, I'm flirting with him like a dangerous dirty cat.
Oh, he's old, certainly, and far from conventionally good-looking.
But he wrote and directed this film, so as soon as the storm cuts the lights again, I'm going to precociously snog his craggy old face right off.
What's moozy boozy?
A moozy boochie.
What's a moozy boochie?
It's cultural.
Okay, that's film number one oh eight seven one two two two one oh four nine if you think you know who that Wasn't in what film let's try film number two Adam wake up.
Tell us what you can see
I'm in the Fuchor.
Well, actually it's the past now, but it was the Fuchor a few years ago.
Anyway, here in the Fuchor, everybody's really into a kind of rubbish, punky pop music, of which I myself am a prime exponent.
I'm like a goddamn cruise missile, targeted on making it, and you better believe I will too, because I'm sassy and sexy like a sexy sassy cat or a basin.
The only problem is, my pathetic ex-boyfriend keeps hanging around, saying someone's gonna do a death kill on me.
oh that's what we call it by the way here in the future we don't say murder anymore that's what they said in the past and this is the future i think i know who it is
Here's film number three.
Remember, 08712221049 if you want to win those tickets for the Teenage Cancer Trust gig at the Royal Albert Hall.
Adam, wake up.
Tell us what you can see.
I'm in the front room of a typical working-class American household.
My father is slouched on the settee, beer in hand, watching sports on the booby box.
My mother does the ironing.
She says very little.
Father spits abuse at me and Mother grotesquely, but for some reason, the sound of an audience laughing can be heard.
It's as if I'm trapped in some kind of insane, nightmarish sitcom, and the outrageous juxtaposition of anodyne TV convention with lurid violence and abuse is blowing not only my mind, but the minds of everybody witnessing this outrageous scene!
There we go, 08712221049.
That's easy, I got that one.
What star is that and what are those three films?
If you want to win those tickets to the Teenage Cancer Trust, Gixi, Block Party, Biffy, Clairo and the Mystery Jets, call.
08712221049, now!
I preach my dear friends, you're about to receive on John Barley corn nicotine and the temptations of Eve.
Love music.
Love XFM.
You join us listeners in the middle of our celebrity regression this week.
Adam's been regressed into the mind and films of a film star, and we've got a couple of callers on the line.
What reckon they knew what he is, who he then thighed.
Who have we got there, Xanthi?
Thank you very much, Xanthi, our sexy assistant, just giving me the names.
First of all, on line one, we've got Alex.
Hello, Alex.
Hello.
Hey, how are you doing?
Good.
Are you, where are you, Alex?
Shopping centre?
Oh, that's very nice.
We've already got someone on the case.
It's very nice of you, Alex.
If Adam wasn't regressed, he'd be very touched by that.
I mean, he might make some noises through the fog of confusion and regression.
Did you hear that?
Yeah.
That's a sort of a medical breakthrough.
So, Alex, you were listening to the competition there.
Yeah.
Who do you think it is?
I heard the question wrong because I thought you said something completely different.
What did you think we said?
I thought you said, um, nay.
I thought you said something completely different.
You thought we said nay, like a horse?
No, no.
What did you think we said?
I thought you said name one person who's been in a movie.
Oh, that would be an easy question.
Name a person who's been in a film.
And what was your answer?
And what was the name you came up with?
Hello, Alex?
I didn't know.
Yeah, what did you say?
Because didn't you say Doc Cotton?
She's the one person in the world that hasn't been in a film.
I don't think.
I know, I know, but my dad, my dad thought he saw it in a film.
Your dad's a loony box.
What's your dad's name?
Mike.
He's gripping you now.
Mike?
Yeah.
Oh, jeepers creepers.
So listen, say Doc Cotton and see whether Adam comes too.
Go on.
Huh?
Say Doc Cotton.
Do you want to speak to him?
Let's speak to your dad, yeah.
Okay, and here he is.
Hello?
Mike, what are you playing at?
What do you mean, what am I playing at?
Getting your son to ring in a nationally respected radio show.
Oh, it's nationally respected?
Yes, and say Doc Cotton in answer to, like, a quiz question about a movie star.
Well, hasn't she been in film?
I don't know, actually.
Hey ho.
Hey ho, well it was a good guess anyway.
And do you think Alex would like a copy of The Fantastic Four on DVD?
Fantastic Four on DVD.
Yeah, put him back.
Can you put him back on, Mike?
Certainly, he's come.
Yeah.
Cheers.
Hello?
Alex, do you like the Fantastic Four?
Yeah.
Yeah, do you want a copy of it on DVD?
OK, then.
A surprise.
Hey, thanks for calling in and have a good time in Brent Cross.
Adam, have you got anything to say to these two?
OK, thank you.
Bye bye.
He's still asleep.
Extraordinary.
Extraordinary stuff.
So we've got hopefully a contestant who might have a better grip on the competition online too.
Hello, Tom.
Hello.
Hello, Tom.
What do you make of that, Tom?
Sorry?
What did you make of that?
Previous guess?
I thought it was a good answer actually.
Doc Cotton, yeah.
It's true, it's true.
Doc Cotton snogging a craggy old man in the future.
What was the third one?
I can't remember, in a satirical sitcom or something.
What's your guess, Tom?
Do you think you've got it right?
I think I might have, I'm not sure.
So before you say the name, start with what you think the films are, please.
Okay, I've only got two of them.
Okay.
I think I've got Strange Days and Natural Born Killers.
yeah those were the second two yeah so how come you got the second two and not the first one i just i was getting confused with horny english teachers and it's got that is confusing a confusing subject but there is a very famous film with a with a dirty teacher sequence in a little sort of uh gingerbread house isn't there you're not gonna get it are you and i don't think so so say the name of who you think it is and let's see whether adam comes around say it now i think it's juliet lewis
yeah yeah that's christmas that's extraordinary um yeah of course well the first film was uh what's the gingerbread house what are you talking about uh in cape fear no not cape fear it's um husbands and wives no one's seen that it's a good one that's one of her best appearances yeah woody allen does she snog a teacher in that as well she snogs woody allen
Who plays her kind of tutor.
Really?
And she's a precocious intellect.
And he ends up snogging her at this party that her parents throw.
She can't keep her hands off the old codgers.
She's just a dirty dirty girl.
She loves the codgers.
And of course you were quite right.
The other two were...
Strange Days, Catherine Bigelow's bizarre film.
That's a horrible film.
Yeah, with Ralph Fiennes and... A nasty piece of business.
If you look for that on IMDb, this just reams and reams of rave reviews from the general public saying, this is the best film ever made!
She does have a very sexy body in that.
Juliette Lewis?
Yeah, do you remember that?
She's in some stupid band, in some stupid club.
I haven't seen it for a while.
She's got a very sexy body.
Shame about the face!
It's a very nice thing to say.
Mr, uh, Mr. Modern Man.
Mr. Progressive.
And, of course, the last film was Natural Born Killers, probably one of her most famous roles, I suppose.
And there's that weird bit with Rodney Dangerfield in the kind of... At the very beginning.
...sitcom house.
Does she end up, like, smashing his head into a... Probably.
...into a, uh, fish tank or something?
I haven't seen that film for a while either.
It's not bad.
Anyway, congratulations.
Uh, I've been rambling for so long, I've forgotten the name of our caller.
Tom, you've won those tickets there to see the Teenage Cancer Trust gig at the Royal Albert Hall.
Can you make it to that?
We don't know what date it is, but can you make it to it, whatever date it is?
what is a date?
Don't know.
Good news, there we go, just say yes.
Thanks a lot for calling Tom.
I'd love to come, thank you.
Good one.
That seemed unusually exhausting.
That was exhausting, but mainly because of Alex and his bizarre, um, Doc Cotton ramblings.
His bizarre father.
But thank you very much indeed for calling Alex and thanks a lot as well to you Tom.
Thanks Mike.
Hope you enjoy your prize, uh, here's some more music for you right now, this is Iditons.
you
you go that's uh editors with all sparks adam and joe on xfm incidentally um just a bit of housekeeping the free play uh that i played while i was regressed a few minutes ago was called let it all hang out by hombres it's an old uh 60s track famously sampled by yeah what was the name of the uh where where where my love like heaven what was it called yeah
Can't remember, we'll find that out during the next song.
And another bit of housekeeping, apparently Dot Cotton was in a film, she's in psychomania about living dead biker zombie killers in Surbiton.
Excellent.
Yeah?
Has anyone communicated to you the name of the sample from that, Gnarls Barkley?
From Gnarls Barkley, no.
All I got is two or three texts from people saying they hate Gnarls Barkley.
What's their problem?
They think he's rubbish.
No.
Some listeners to XFM just like shouting and guitars.
And if there's any divergence from that,
They get angry.
Yeah.
Niles is just a bit soft.
With his oohing and his mmm, am I crazy?
XFM listeners don't want people asking, am I crazy?
They want people who are committed-ly crazy!
Exactly.
I'm definitely crazy.
Man!
Buckethead!
I'm absolutely crazy!
Yeah.
Uh, it's not exactly an XFM type track, though, is it?
It's the kind of track... No, it's Danger Mouse, so, you know, they're allowed to play it because it's Danger Mouse.
Right, right.
And he is crazy, isn't he, right?
I remember when.
Does that make me crazy?
Yes.
Does it?
In that case I am crazy.
Anyway, okay so we're coming up to the end of the first hour of the show and don't forget the amazing stuff coming up in part two.
I'm going to analyse Deal or No Deal in a way that'll make you never watch it in the same way ever again.
Wow.
if you do watch it.
Yeah.
Er, and also I'm going to talk about Nadine Baguette and the hottest anti-ageing product out there, Pentapeptides.
Who's Nadine Baguette?
Pentapeptides.
What?
Ah, you're so naive.
Is there anyone out there who I'm talking about when I say Nadine Baguette and Pentapeptides?
Is that some infomercial you've been addicted to?
It's a very good commercial that's on quite a lot.
Right.
And if you haven't seen it,
then I'm going to talk about it and prepare you for it for when you do see it.
Yeah.
And if you have seen it, I'm going to share how strange it is.
Now, films Cornish, can I ask you some films questions?
Certainly.
What was the last film you saw?
What was the last film I saw?
Oh, dear.
I rewatched King Kong.
Did you?
Yeah.
The new one?
Yeah.
The remake?
Yeah.
And so you love it?
No, I was very disappointed by it the second time.
No way.
I loved it at the cinema.
I thought it was Arby's.
Independence Day factor?
Yeah, the only things that could have improved it would have been if they'd given him a big pipe, big bow tie and a giant tea set.
Why?
Because monkeys love that sort of thing.
Like in Dunstan Checks In?
Yeah.
And then, you know, you know, basically the joke in King Kong is he's going to try and make love to the woman.
what how is that the joke well you can't help but sit there and watch a romantic scene between a tiny woman well no not the intentional joke but if you're watching it with friends you will inevitably make some rude comments about what the giant gorilla wants to do with a tiny tiny lady and what would happen i thought it would be quite a good twist oh this is a bit too rude it sounds filthy it's too rude i'll tell you during the record and if it's clean enough thanks very much
have you seen any of the other uh remakes the twist yeah i can't say it stop it just get off the monkey uh hills have eyes i i walked out of the hills have eyes why because it was so brilliant they held a gun to a baby oh that's not on whilst raping a woman oh and i thought i'm off
This does not constitute entertainment.
I'm leaving.
That is- that sounds very bad.
Yeah, I did like that director's previous film, though.
What was that?
Haute Tension.
Haute Tension?
Yeah, it's Haute Tension.
Haute Tension.
Yeah, it's French for high tension.
Is he a Frenchy man?
Yeah, he's a French man.
That explains it.
Those French people are disgusting.
More film news?
Basic Instinct 2?
Oh, that looks like a laugh riot.
Did you- That's gotta be the stinker of the century.
How can that be any good?
Who's that directed by?
Not Paul Verhoeven.
Michael Caton-Jones, the man who made Memphis Belle and something else.
What the hell's he doing directing that?
Just working, trying to make a living.
Just trying to make a buck, is that a big problem?
Right?
Just trying to feed his kids.
That's going to be a stinker though, but people are excited about seeing that because of its stinkiness.
Yeah.
There's nothing better than a film that's trying to be sexy and it's just stinky.
Body of Evidence?
Yeah.
the sex scene in the specialist with sylvester stallone and sharon stone you've ever seen that it's like watching two legs of ham sweaty legs of ham bouncing against each other and the best of all is uh showgirls of course showgirls is extra sexy and she's flopping around but are you seeing showgirls doesn't count because it's for hoven and he's actually got a brain he's a kind of genius uh pink panther that's done very well it's made two million pounds in the uk with zero uh previews or publicity i've heard it's not as bad as you might imagine
I can't be, I'm not seeing it.
That trailer, if they've cut the best bits into that trailer and the best they can manage is him farting in a sound booth.
That is quite funny, isn't it?
That's quite wicked.
Okay, let's play some more music right now.
This, uh, what is this?
Oh yeah.
This is Dirty Pretty Things with Bang Bang You're Dead.
there you go that's dirty pretty things the band that rose from the ashes of uh the libertines of course carl barrett and bang bang you're dead is the name of the track that's a brand new playlist edition here on xfm so there's a good chance you'll be hearing it quite a lot if it's a hit which i'm sure it will be oh it's great because it's very yeah very good uh so we're coming up to the end of the first hour here on xfm um it's it's not long to go now before we're uh talking about uh
deal or no deal, which I'm very much looking forward to.
Hey, and I wonder where our- where our mystery shopper is.
Yeah, where is he?
If you've been listening to the whole show, you'll know that it's Adam's birthday today, but he's been too lazy to buy a present.
David.
My brother's birthday.
Sorry.
Adam's brother David's birthday.
So our listeners on the way with a prezzy, hopefully aired.
She's a lady.
Let's call her during the next ad break and get a progress report.
Let's check on her because she wasn't even in the West End.
All I asked was if anyone happened to be in the West End.
They could just pop into a record shop, buy the CD, bring it in.
But she's left home specifically to make this shopping trip.
It's the Mighty Boosh tickets.
People will do anything.
It's the power of the Boosh.
The Mighty Boosh tickets.
Well, you can't blame her.
We'll be back very shortly.
There you go.
That is sewn by the feeling, not the feeling by sewn, as I apparently have been saying for the last couple of weeks, because I'm just old and I'm confused by all the new bands.
I'm young and I'm switched on.
Don't worry.
Good.
It's Adam and Jo on XFM.
We're with you for another 55 minutes.
We've got Ditches in the Dot coming up in the last 10 minutes of the show this week.
The theme is late 70s American rock, right?
Yeah.
Sort of on a motorbike with long hair driving through California on a sunny day.
Maybe with a jazz cigarette and a lady with long hair.
That was more early 70s.
Do you think?
By the late 70s in the America, that it was all getting a bit new wave and had a bit more of an edge.
Not with my band.
Really?
That I've chosen, no.
That's coming up in the last 10 minutes of the show.
But first of all, let's talk Deal or No Deal.
Yeah, yeah.
Obviously, it's the biggest phenomenon on television.
What's he called?
L Ron Hubbard.
L Ron Hubbard is now the highest paid man in television.
Three million quid.
And it's already been established, you know, anybody with a brain realizes that that show is all about Knoll's mental problems.
Yeah, in what way?
Well, he basically has to expand a game that could be played in under a minute to an hour.
Yes.
And a friend of mine who went to see the show live told me that often they record for two and a half hours.
Whoa!
And then they cut it down.
That's unbelievable.
So I thought I'd try an experiment.
How quickly could you play Deal or No Deal if you shut Noel up?
And if you shut up the appalling mad guests, because they know, the people who make that show realize that it's all about, they call it an entertainment drama, don't they?
He goes, welcome to our entertainment drama, the Red Box Club.
at the beginning.
He's got all these horrible little names for it, as if it's some sort of national institution or underground cult club or something.
of the contestants and let them kind of take it over.
I saw one yesterday.
And when the contestants are nutcake, then it can just become like an hour of mental problems.
Yesterday there was this woman and she had a picture of her sons and she kept on saying, OK, Noel, I'm going to just take time out now to just listen to what my sons are saying to me and I'm going to speak to them with my mind.
and she would literally sit there and and just be staring at the picture and then she and then no no would say very seriously have they have they told you anything and she'd say yes they have they've spoken to me i'm going to go for number three or whatever that's right it's pretty it's a it's a loony bin basically the deal or no deal studio is a nut house in bristol nut box full of nutters so but anyway my point listeners is how quickly can you play deal or no deal
how quickly can you
red boxes or all that nonsense.
I've cut out any kind of personality about the boxes.
There is no strategy.
It's a random selection of boxes.
If every contestant went on there and just chose them in numerical order, one, two, three, four, five, the game would still be equally different.
OK?
So I've cut out anything that is extraneous, and this is just the pure game.
You don't even need to know what the offers are until halfway through the game, because no one ever takes the deal.
until 25 minutes in, right?
So this is pure distilled deal.
This is pure deal.
Let's have a listen, see how long this lasts.
Go.
Will it be ordeal or great deal for Alison?
Number 13. £500.
number nine number six number five number two yes deal or no deal no deal number eight
21.
10,000.
Number 19.
250 pounds.
Number 17.
35,000.
Deal or no deal?
No deal.
Number 1.
1,000.
Number 14.
3,000.
Number 7.
100,000 is gone.
Deal or no deal?
No deal.
Number 4.
5,000.
Number 10.
Yes!
Number 3.
Yes!
5,100 pounds, Alice.
Deal or no deal?
Deal.
I'll see you tomorrow night.
Bye-bye.
How long's that?
That was, uh, just under a minute.
Just under a minute.
56 seconds, I believe.
Yeah.
So there you go.
That's extraordinary.
That's, uh, deal or no deal, need last no longer than 56 seconds.
And what a climax as well in 2006 to end up with a prize of 5,100?
but obviously after they do that on the show they then go forward and check what was in all the boxes uh on the premise that the contestant would have still chosen the same boxes yeah which is complete nonsense i saw him saying to her after she'd won five thousand one hundred pounds which is of course you know i find some of money to come by for anyone but as far you know on the quiz show scale it's really not that much he was sort of saying so allison
It's going to be the most important financial decision you ever make.
Are you ready?
Do you want to accept the £5,100?
That's the magic of Noel.
That's why he's been paid £3 million.
But I think it's going to drive him insane.
And I think it started already.
I think the contestants are losing it.
I think he's losing it.
I think that show's a nut house.
sounds amazing yeah so but this next time you watch it remember it's it's robbing you of how long does it last an hour yes it's robbing you of 59 minutes of your life that's what TVs designed to do though isn't it maybe yeah yeah all right think about that put that in your pipe and tip it out again here's some more music this is a free play and it's the Cocteau twins enjoy
There you go.
That's a bit of fay indie pop from the Cocteau Twins.
That's called Ice Blink Luck.
Now, there's been a problem, hasn't there, Adam?
Well, there's been a little problem.
There's been a little problem.
Uh, Adam's been asking listeners to do his birthday shopping for him.
It's his brother's birthday today and he's been too lazy to buy anything for him, so he asked a listener to do the dirty work.
I ran out of time because I was preparing things.
Right.
For something.
Uh, but our trusty listener, Ed, she's in the West End now, she came all the way from Wandsworth, only to discover that the very specific thing that Adam wanted, Life in the Bush of Ghosts, the reissue, David Byrne and Brian Eno, is not out till Monday!
No.
So she's called us in a panic from the shop, saying, what am I gonna buy?
So I've decided that, uh, I'm just gonna make do with, uh, another Talking Heads reissue.
Anyway.
Speaking in tongues, and, and maybe the Boosh box set.
I hope he hasn't got that.
My daddy's got that.
But she's still going to come up into the studio, isn't she?
Yeah, yeah.
And she's going to win those mighty Boosh tickets.
That'll be exciting.
What do you think she's like?
I haven't even heard her.
What do you think she looks like?
She's a girl called Ed, so she must be slightly eccentric.
I think she- Full of character.
Yes.
Long hair or short hair?
Very short hair.
Well, you know, Boosh fans are a funny looking bunch, you know.
She's probably got crazy hair.
She's probably like a neo-goth.
I think she's got- Is there such a thing as a neo-goth?
yes yeah I think she's got short dyed black hair short dyed black hair keep talking a long spike coming out of her lower lip long spike lower lip yeah a flowery patterned dress and big dr. Martin boots and a lot of bangles bangles
and a fluffy bag saying, saying I'm a kitty fan on the side.
Well that's sinister laugh.
I'm like a serial killer laugh.
I'm a kitty fan.
Yes.
We'd like a picture of a cute kitty.
We'd like a picture of a kitty.
From Japan.
So to recap, a fluffy bag with I'm a kitty fan written on it, short dyed black hair, long spike in her lower lip, a flowery dress, bangles and Doc Marten boots.
Burgundy.
And how old do you think she is?
35.
No, I would say she's 21.
21.
Okay, well that's quite exciting.
Yeah.
I wonder if she will be like that.
Get her up here fast, though, Xanthi, because we're running out of tickety-tockety time.
She's in Leicester Square.
She shouldn't be too long.
Yeah.
Okay, what now, Adam?
Uh, now, I think it's time we played some more music.
That's what it's all about here on XFM, you know?
And, uh, what- You finally realised that?
Yeah!
After all this endless talking- It's not about us, it's about the music.
What?
And here are the kooks to prove that fact for you.
Hang on a sec- oh.
No, don't hang on, play the music.
Okay then.
Just don't let me down
Mmm.
That's the kooks with naive.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
Uh, Ed, update.
Our shopping slave.
She's in Victoria Street.
Victoria Street's quite a way away from Leicester Square if you're on a bus.
It's on a bus it is.
If she got off and walked, it was- It gets very clogged up around Trafalgar Square.
She's got 40 minutes.
Come on, Ed.
We want to see what you look like.
She hasn't even bought the merchandise yet.
She's not even got the merch?
No!
Oh my goodness gracious.
What's going on with the situation?
Advert.
XFM This is XFM Love music, love XFM
It's there
Yes, that's the Gorillaz with Dare.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM London's 104.9.
Small deal or no deal fact, this has come in via a text from Steve.
He said... Oh no, not Steve.
What am I talking about?
From Ollie in Stratford.
If like me you find an uneasy joy in spoiling one of your grandmother's last remaining pleasures, just tell her the banker's offer before Noel reveals it.
Simply divide the highest remaining value by the number of unopened boxes, and hey presto, your nan's world is a little less colourful.
Is that the way it's calculated?
That's probably right.
I haven't actually thought about that before, but that's a good little theory, isn't it?
That's all the maths, eh?
All the maths!
I don't understand none of that maths.
So do you want me to talk about Nadine Baggart's?
I'd love for you to tell me about Baggart.
While we're still here.
So this listeners is just a warning.
If you've seen Nadine Baggart's new advert for, uh, this skin cream, famous skin cream, I don't want to mention it otherwise it's just advertising them in a sort of ironic way.
Yeah.
But it's a stinker.
It's made by Saatchi and Thaatchi.
Yeah.
Can't really even say it.
They're a very posh advertising, uh,
company.
Absolutely.
They sort of pride themselves I suppose in being able to be amazingly down market.
Are they still called Saatchi and Saatchi?
I think so, yeah.
And it basically is one of those, er, profiles of a woman's life adverts.
So Nadine Baggers, or whatever she's called, writes for Heat, turns up on This Morning all the time, or some rubbish like that.
And so she's a bit of a beauty expert, specialises in recommending what kind of old whale blabber women should smear on their faces in a desperate attempt to stay a tiny bit younger, a little bit longer.
And obviously they're pleased with her face because this advert is nothing but shots of her face.
You don't actually see where she is or what she's doing.
And what's more, it's split screen.
There's often five shots of Nadine Baguette on the screen at once, but they're all of her face.
It's as if you went interrailing around the world, took 50 photos, and they were all just close-ups of your face.
They wouldn't really tell you much else about other than your... That's obviously the intention of the advert, because it's all about making your face look nice.
but it looks very very odd and so that's the first thing to picture and then the second thing to sort of envisage is that her face is out of focus the whole time so it doesn't seem as if we're getting a realistic you know reading of how young looking she is.
Sure you want to see the cracks and the blemishes.
Well you want to see the smoothness you don't want it to look as if the cameraman's just nudged the focal
ring round a bit.
And the other thing to check out is when you see the advert is how stupid Nadine is.
She's researching things that keep you younger longer and she's just got a big blank pad.
And she walks around with a big blank pad and she writes one thing down on it in the ad.
And she looks very pleased with herself.
Anyway, play the ad.
We've replaced the name of the product with the help of Prince, as usual.
And this is just, it's not particularly funny, it's just odd.
And it'll be a warning, so watch out for this ad on telly.
I'm Nadine Baggett, Celebrity Beauty Editor, and in my job, I learn lots of celebrity beauty secrets.
But I also rely on the information I get from skincare experts to discover a few beauty secrets of my own.
Right now, I think the hottest anti-aging ingredients around are pentapeptides.
They're tiny bits of protein molecules that can actually help to renew the skin's surface.
You'd probably expect to pay celebrity prices to get your hands on these high-tech anti-aging ingredients.
But I've discovered that pentapeptides are also...
A moisturizer that only costs around 20 pounds.
Hardly a celebrity price tag.
I recommend because it helps skin appear fuller and smoother and look more like new skin.
Now that's a beauty secret worth knowing.
What's that phone call that comes through halfway through?
Hello Nadine.
Bag shot.
What do you want?
Nadine, we got news about the hottest new anti-aging product.
It's not pentapeptides anymore.
It's minty pep toys.
And then she'd have to do another ad.
Then she'd have to do another ad.
The other funny thing about that ad, it's as if she's discovered this thing.
Yeah.
And she's called up the cosmetics company and gone, I can't believe that you've got pentapeptides for 20 quid, because celebrities are paying like 40 to 50.
And I want a self finance and advert about it.
Because it's such amazing news.
Because it's such an amazing news and it's important for my status in the beauty, fashion, rubbish industry.
Previously, people were making do with Boswellox.
Well, we've now decided that that's the worst thing you could put on your skin.
Do you know what pentapeptides are?
Is it like toothpaste?
No, it sounds like a toothpaste, doesn't it?
But they're actually a medical substance used for helping scars to heal faster.
They affect the actual DNA of your skin.
And they do, they kind of heal it up.
But it's a very short, you've got to slap this stuff on regularly, apparently.
Yeah.
Like to keep your face all tight.
And so they do work, but they work medically and they are also affecting your skin on a DNA level.
Now, I don't know whether you've seen Catwoman or not, but if you have, you realise the dangers of messing with beauty products, right?
Yeah, it turns out really boring.
Well, it turns out evil and Sharon Stone-esque.
Yeah.
You could get the same effect with sellotape.
Could you not?
You could get the same effect with a stapler and like gathering your skin at the back of your head like when you pick up a cat.
And just putting a couple of big staples in there.
Nice, that's a really... But watch out for that advert.
I'm simply just flagging it up.
Okay, thanks for the flag.
For the viewers.
That's alright, because when you see it in full audio-visual impact, you won't believe how stupid it is.
right it's free play time once again uh this is a young man called johnny polonsky uh indie pop fans i don't know if he ever came to anything but this is a song that came out a few years ago i think it was produced by frank black x pixie's man see if you like it
That's Half Mind by Johnny Polonsky.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
And we've been joined by Ed, who's just come in off the streets.
She's bought my gear.
Have you got my gear?
There it is.
Hello, Ed.
Make a noise.
Speak a noise.
Hi.
So listen, we were trying to guess what you looked like.
Did you hear?
You weren't listening to the show.
No.
So Adam, Adam, like, speculated on what you looked like.
Yeah, just going on your name.
He said you'd have a flowery dress.
He's wrong.
He said you'd have a long spike.
This is based on nothing, apropos of nothing, okay?
A long spike where?
Uh, through the lower lip.
Lower lip.
No piercings at all, Ed?
What am I, here?
Well, that's conventional, though, so you are wrong.
He said you'd have a lot of bangles.
Any bangles?
Bangles.
No bangles.
None bangles.
You've struck out on all of these.
Short dyed black hair.
Thanks.
No.
Your hair's just natural isn't it?
It's brown and it's shoulder length but it's not dyed.
Dr. Martin Boots.
No very nice cowboy boots she's got on.
Cowboy boots.
And he also said a fluffy bag.
Sorry.
Which would say I'm a kitty fan.
Did you leave it behind?
Give me back the presents and I'll go.
Now listen, you got me the mighty Boosh box set.
Are you a big Boosh fan?
Absolutely huge.
Yeah.
What's the attraction of the Boosh for you?
Bob Fossil.
Bob Fossil!
Yeah.
Are you a... That's Rich Hall's character.
No, Rich Fulcher.
Rich Fulcher, I'm sorry.
Are you a snuffbox fan?
I don't know what that means.
Rich Fulcher and Matt Berry, two very talented performers, have a sketch show called Snuff Box, which is on BBC Three, which I'm sure you would enjoy if you're a Boosh fan, even if you're not.
I recommend people check it out.
Hey, so it must have been a hell of a journey, Ed.
I mean, you've come from Wandsworth in what, an hour and 20 minutes or something?
Yeah, Leicester Square hates me.
I ran into them all.
Yeah.
Did you, all those tourists?
Every single one.
Yeah, and- and so you took the overground to Victoria, did you?
From Wandsworth?
Yeah.
Yeah, then how'd you get- cause last we spoke to you were in Victoria Street.
Bus to Trafalgar Square.
And then I ran.
And then you ran, and which, uh, which major chain did you purchase those things from?
HMV.
HMV, rather than Virgin.
Yes.
Yeah, there you go.
but listen ed we really appreciate it thank you so much i'm gonna uh pay you your money now hand over the boosh tickets thank you have a fantastic time we might even see you there at the apollo is it the apollo yeah hammer smith apollo yeah so uh yeah thanks very much indeed we'll play some ads and then we will launch ditties in the dock or maybe we should do ditches in the dock right now in fact because we're running out of time we've only got 20 minutes in the show should we do it now oh this must be exciting for you ed you're gonna see a live ditches in the dark
Yes, did it in the dark time.
This is where you get the chance to vote for what record we'll play out with at the end of our show.
This week's theme is late 70s American rock.
Yeah.
And up for grabs are mighty Bush DVDs.
We've got two series, two DVDs.
And for lucky winners, for slightly less, only slightly less lucky winners, we've got copies of Fantastic Four, the exciting comic book film on DVD.
So everybody who votes and gets on air wins a free DVD.
Imagine.
A free DVD.
Everybody loves DVDs.
And they're worth, you know, they're so valuable what we've been given away free in the papers and everything.
So who wants to go first?
Do you want to go first?
I'll go first.
I want you to call 08712221049 and vote for one of my favorite underappreciated American bands, Cheap Trick.
They're not very famous in the UK, but if you're American and were alive in the 70s and 80s, Cheap Trick are kind of like a legend.
They're long haired motorbiking lunatics,
and they did an amazing song called Surrender with a very famous chorus that goes, mommy's okay, daddy's okay, they just seem a little weird.
They're featured on one of my favorite films ever called Over the Edge, an American 70s film.
And just trust me, it's fantastic.
Cheap Trick with Surrender.
Do you know that song, Adam?
No, I don't think I do.
Man, it's a classic.
I might recognize it.
It's like an anthem in America and no one's ever heard it in the UK.
It's like Frampton comes alive type situation.
It's very catchy, it's really good.
You'll like it.
I don't know anything about Cheap Trick.
Triple two one oh four nine and vote for cheap trick.
Maybe I'm relying on some Americans listening We have quite a few Americans who listen if you want to you know introduce one of cheap tricks biggest hits to the British Listing public then call oh eight seven one triple two one oh four nine and vote for cheap trick or Alternatively you could go for the cars
who were around at about the same time.
Do you know what year your Cheap Trick track was from?
No.
Well The Cars I think released their debut album in 1978 and it was called simply The Cars.
Rick Okasek who went on to produce Weezer and actually you can hear the sort of kernel of the Weezer sound in The Cars music.
Colonel Weezer.
Although it is a lot more poppy but it's got that kind of
fantastic choppy uh electric guitar sound that weezer uh ran with very successfully i'm asking you to vote for no i just i can pick pretty much any track off the car's debut album and it would be a smash but i'm asking you to go for bye bye love bye bye love do do i won't sing the whole thing but trust me it's a peach the cars bye bye love so are you gonna go for the cars or cheap trick hey can i say one more thing
about Cheap Trick.
Kurt Cobain, right, told Rolling Stone, quote, we sound just like Cheap Trick, only the guitars are louder.
So basically, Nirvana got all their stuff off Cheap Trick.
He might have been ironic.
He wasn't!
He would have wanted you listeners to vote for my record.
Kurt Cobain!
God or Jimmy Cranky said I really like the cars.
Oh, it's 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 everybody who gets on the air wins a DVD.
Please call now XFM XFM
Love music.
Love XFM.
I was just waiting for his last one.
Yeah, that was a hard fire with Better Do Better.
And that's a brand new playlist edition, is it?
Can it be?
Surely we've been playing that for weeks.
Have we?
First time I've heard that one.
There we go.
That's the fifth single from Stars of CCTV.
The fifth single?
Yes, they're like Michael Jackson in the mid 80s.
I can't stop doing right.
So it's time to play Ditties in the Dock.
We've got to do this really fast because we're running out of time.
It's a late 70s American rock play off between The Cars and Cheap Trick.
We've got some callers on the line.
Let's go to Heather first.
Hello, Heather.
Hi, hi there.
How are you doing?
I'm okay, I'm a bit hungover.
Are you?
And for good reason, did you have a good night last night?
I did have a good night.
Did you snog a big fat hairy man?
No, no.
Then all's well in the world.
So what are you voting for?
Is it going to be a cheap trick or the cars?
I'm going for Cheap Chick.
Hey, do you know the band?
Not really.
I've just heard of them.
Man, they're really good.
Have you ever seen the film Over the Edge?
Matt Dillon's first film.
Oh, that's really good as well.
Well, good.
Well done.
Brave Vote.
Thanks for calling.
Do you want Fantastic Four or the Mighty Boosh series two?
Mighty Boosh, obviously.
Coming your way.
Thanks for calling, Heather.
Thanks, Heather.
One little to Cornish.
Have a nice weekend.
Heather sounds quite sexy.
She does, yeah.
We haven't got time to chuck together anymore.
Sylvia, are you there?
yeah i'm here hi how you doing i'm doing great how you doing uh are you are you an american lady no i'm canadian canadian do you know cheap trick i certainly do yeah they're big aren't they in the states fantastic and how do you said
want you to want me i would have rooted for them but since you didn't it's got to be the car what she's going for the car what song should i have said sylvia hey which song by cheap tricks should i have chosen want you to want me
I'm going to have a listen to that.
I want you to want me.
Yeah.
Well, thank you very much indeed for your vote, though.
That's one for me.
I needed that one.
OK, cool.
Cheers Sylvia, have a good weekend.
Hey, what DVD does she get?
Oh, what do you fancy?
Booshaw, Fantastic Four.
Fantastic Four.
Yeah, it's an amazing film.
It's got all kinds of special effects.
You won't believe some of the stuff that happens in that film.
There's a man, what, it's like a giant rock.
It's like a giant rock.
And there's another man who's all on fire.
And he's got flames, he's got flames coming out of his hands.
And there's a woman who can't see her tits.
Okay, let's get Peter on the line.
How you doing, Peter?
I'm okay, thanks, yeah, good.
What are you up to?
Just sitting around, I've just been in work this morning so I'm going to need the afternoon.
You're taking a chill pill?
Yeah.
A big one.
A big chill pill.
A delicious chill pill.
Now what are you voting for this afternoon Peter?
Gotta be Cheap Trick.
Cheap Trick.
Are you a trickle fan?
No, but I know they've got a song called He's a Whore and that sounds good to any band who's got a song title called that.
He's a Whore?
He's a Whore.
Oh, He's a Whore.
Yes.
Sorry, it was your accent.
It's all about the titles, isn't it, with Cheap Trick?
I'm writing that one down as well.
He is a whore.
Thank you very much indeed for your call, Peter.
Have a good weekend.
Hey, Fantastic Four and Mighty Boosh.
Mighty Boosh.
Good call, that's all the Mighty Boosh gone.
Well, Paul's on the line.
So Paul, it looks as if you're going to be watching Fantastic Four this afternoon.
I hope you don't mind that too much.
How you doing?
Got all the Boosh stuff, that's fine.
Oh, well done.
That's the correct answer.
So Paul, what's your news today, Paul?
I'm trying to find my way out of all the traffic.
No, no matter where I go, it's everywhere.
Oh, that's a drag.
Well, listen, I'm glad you're at least here on XFM.
Just do a Michael Douglas in Falling Down.
Just abandon your car and go and punch somebody.
Don't do that.
What did Michael Douglas do in Falling Down?
Yeah, he just got out of his car and went off and got loony on everyone's ass.
Yeah, so there's an option for you, Paul.
Well, I haven't got a baseball bat, but I've got a pool cue in the back.
A pool cue?
That would do the job.
Yeah, but listen, don't.
You have a chill pill as well.
Wouldn't it be terrible if he did?
I know.
We were responsible.
We'd be holding insane charges.
A pool cue rampage in the West End.
So, Paul, what are you going to vote for?
I need another vote for the cars, man.
Are you going to go for me or for the cheap truck?
See, I'm a bit sad, and as a fan of, like, that 70s show,
It's got to be Cheap Trick.
Yeah, man, didn't they do the, did they do the title music or something?
Yeah.
Well, it wasn't this song, was it, was the title music?
No, it was a different song.
There you go.
Fantastic.
Well, that makes me the winner, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Cornish tricks?
It's a cheap trick.
Thanks a lot, Paul.
Yeah, he's got the Fantastic Four.
All right, there we go.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Hope you get out of your traffic jam soon.
Thank you so much to everyone who called.
Ed, hey, thanks a lot.
She's still in the studio with us.
Thanks, Ed.
Thank you for sorting out my brother's birthday presents.
He's going to be very grateful to you.
I certainly hope he hasn't been listening to the show.
Otherwise, it'll just look a bit odd.
But thank you very much, indeed, to everyone who listened.
We'll be back with you next week.
Yeah, this is a great song.
This is a cheap trick with surrender.
Thanks for listening.
Bye.
Love you, bye!
Bobby served in the wax in the villa