There you go.
That's the, uh, the mighty hard fi.
They keep cranking them out.
Uh, that one is called Better Do Better.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
Before that, you heard Iditors with Sparks.
Iditors?
I've got to stop saying Iditors like Zane Lowe.
Are they Australian?
It's just bashed into my head.
You know, there's a TV advert where Zane Lowe, uh, does the voiceover, advising you to buy the Iditors album, and he pronounces it like that.
Now I can't pronounce it any other way, except Iditors.
There's no harm in that.
No, exactly.
Hey, this is Adam and Joe.
We're with you for the next hour and 54... No, hang on.
Yeah, what?
Yeah.
54 minutes, yeah.
53 and a half.
Counting.
Here on a lovely Saturday afternoon in London, we've got tickets to give away to the zoutons, but that's not very exciting because Alex Aime was giving them out hand over fist, right?
So that doesn't make us special, but it's still quite exciting.
Pair of tickets to the zoutons.
Yeah, we'll give them away in a special way.
Yeah, and that's part of the XFM's Access All April promotion, where apparently you can get passes to access all areas at gigs.
So imagine the possibilities for trouble.
Yeah, you could go and steal stuff from pop stars.
Man, you could make yourself famous very easily.
Yeah, exactly, like Orin Barshak.
But yeah, who's he?
The guy that turned up at Prince William's wedding or what was it, party?
Exactly.
You could jump on stage and start rapping in the middle of an Arctic Monkeys gig or something like that.
Plus we've got a pair of tickets to see Russell Brand do his stand-up show, Crazy Russell Brand, off Big Brother's Little Sister's Third Cousin or whatever it's called.
Yeah, Big Brother's Big Mouth he was the host of and he's destined for big things for Russell Brand now that he's stopped being a junkie.
And plus we've got Robocop DVDs to give away.
Not the films though.
Xanthe thought they were the films, they're the telly series.
Why would you, why would you want to watch the films?
Yeah, when you've got the telly series.
When you've got the TV series!
I'm sure it's very good though, Robocop.
It hasn't got anyone from the films in it, has it?
It's not a TV series as such, it's kind of made for TV movies, which is even better.
That is better.
Does it have, what was he called, Peter Weller, Paul Weller?
Did Paul Weller...
It's Paul Weller as Robocop.
Brilliant.
So lots of stuff to give away, plus box sets of This Life.
We've got a crap commentary competition, which is quite funny.
I was chortling away at it at three in the morning.
Excellent.
And then I was slightly off my tits.
I think it's funny.
Was that when you got back from the mighty Boosh?
Yes.
You went to see the Boosh last night?
Yes.
You got any Boosh gossip?
Yes.
Oh, excellent.
So hang in for that, listeners.
Right now, here's The Gorillaz with Dare.
It's dead
to continue this conversation.
That was the Gorillaz with Dare.
Last week we had a phoning competition where a small boy called Alex and his dad called in.
What was the competition?
Forgotten now, but he had the wrong, maybe it was- It was a celebrity regression.
Celebrity regression, that's right.
And he guessed Doc Cotton.
Apparently when Xanthe called him up to give him the prize, turned out he'd been devastated all afternoon.
He was upset because he thought he'd ruined the programme by missing a point in the competition.
Well we mean to him, because we don't want to upset kids, that's wrong.
No, I think we- That is essentially wrong.
We chuckled at him.
You know, you gotta chuckle at kids.
Yeah.
got to make them feel a bit insecure otherwise there's no kind of power structure there right uh well that's not necessarily true for kids that aren't yours you want to just laugh at them in the street it's especially true because you need extra leverage okay well that's okay so alex if you're listening if your dad's listening you enhanced the show that was one of our favorite calls ever yeah it was genius yeah well done you can be a regular caller
So this is Adam and Joel on XFM, London's 104.9, great music coming up and competitions and stuff.
Yeah, the competition will be coming up very shortly, I would imagine in the next 10 minutes or so.
It's a good one, it's a crap commentary competition and it's a funny one.
Is it funny and easy or?
Yeah, funny and easy, the perfect combination.
That's my favourite combo.
Double threat.
Now speaking of funny, have people already been talking about the story in the Guardian today, the April Fool?
Which one is that?
It's a brilliant April Fool and the Guardian, page 3.
it's not the one where you have to do chip and pin and sing or something no it's to do with Coldplay and David Cameron it completely fooled me really yeah i think but people have probably been talking about it already maybe on the breakfast show don't worry i haven't heard anything about it pretend it's funny well we'll dig up the garden and and in another link we'll do that okay then but um if you've got tickets to see the boosh uh either at brickston or at the hamio do people still call it that i don't know if they ever did
I did.
Then you're very lucky.
The Hammersmith Apollo.
I went along to see it last night and what a fantastic show.
Yeah.
Started a bit late, don't worry about getting there before 8.30 even though it says 8 on the tickets.
Right.
Didn't finish till about 11 but it was fantastic.
Yeah.
And what a sexy crowd.
Yeah, they're very good looking.
Some attractive people go and see the Boosh, it's amazing.
It's like a Dazed and Confused massive magazine shoot with 2,000 models.
Yeah, crazy fashionable kids.
Yeah.
Zebra coats.
Yeah.
Piercings.
Dyched hair.
Eyeliner!
Can you imagine?
On boys!
Disgusting.
Dirty.
And it was very funny.
Yeah.
And there was a party afterwards, right?
There was a party, Artie Woods.
A lot of celebrities at that party, I would imagine.
Not really.
Were there not?
No.
Well, Harry Enfield was there.
Had a chat with him.
Hotest ticket in London.
He's got a very funny face.
Was he nice, Harry Enfield, because he can be a bit taciturn.
Oh, he's lovely.
Was he?
To me.
Oh, he loves you.
I don't think he likes you.
No, I don't think he does.
But he's one of those comedians that's just got a naturally funny face, and even when he's trying to make a quite serious point about politics or something, he does it with a silly, rubbery mouth.
Makes me laugh.
He's got a funny voice.
Do you remember when we went to see Harry Hill record his show live?
yeah and he just between takes he looked a bit angry but started uh tugging his collar right and the audience went tugging his collar and he looked up quite angry i'm just tugging my collar i think he may have been nervous it was one of the first ones that he taped anyway highly recommend the boosh we were giving away tickets last week i think it's totally sold out is it now well they've extended the run haven't they but that may be sold out as well they're doing phenomenally well yeah the extraordinary thing about it is every time you think it's amazingly tightly rehearsed they'll do something that seems completely spontaneous yeah
And every time you think they're just making it up, they'll suddenly do something amazingly tight.
And how was Rich Fulcher, who, uh, plays- He was insane.
He's mad.
Yeah, he's nuts, isn't he?
He's out of- possibly genuinely out of control.
He plays Bob Fossil.
Yeah.
And he's also in Snuffbox.
The moon is in it.
Matt Berry.
And people are- people are shouting, ''Old Greg!''
all the way through it, in the audience.
But there's no Old Greg.
Really?
Mmm, not really.
Old Greg was the- There's an Old Greg-based surprise.
Yeah.
One of the best episodes.
Yeah.
At one point Rich Fulcher came on playing Bob Fossil and one of the lines in the script was to the character, what have you been doing?
They said as part of the show and someone in the audience shouted snuff box.
Which is true, because that is what he's been doing, a series called Snuffbox.
But why you'd shout that out very loudly in an auditorium of 2,000 people, I don't know.
What kind of comeback have you got to that as well?
They just continued, because it was correct.
That's correct.
Thank you very much.
It's on Monday nights on BBC Three.
Anyway, man, the best show in London.
Gotta be at the moment.
And any more exciting people that you talk to at the party apart from Harry Enfield?
No.
Really?
Just said hello to Noel.
Were you the most exciting person there?
No.
How was Noel?
He was very well.
What was he wearing?
Just sexy lady clothes.
He looked like a gorgeously groomed raven.
Mmm.
With a human face.
I think I do fancy him as well.
Do you think a lot of men are confused about their sexuality for the first time?
I think pretty much everybody in the world would- would probably have a quick- just, you know, briefly interfere.
Would you interfere with him?
Yeah.
Or just smog him?
Yeah, I'd give him a little kiss.
Whereabouts would you kiss him?
On the lips.
Really?
Yeah.
Do you think he's got nice soft lips?
I don't know.
I'd just be worth boasting about, wouldn't I?
Yeah.
I think I- What's wrong with that Xanthies?
That's quite sexy.
I don't think he's particularly bendy though, you know?
Oh, come on.
No, I don't think he's into it.
What do you mean?
I just, I don't know, maybe it's... He's some Aphrodite.
Maybe he just doesn't like me, but I don't get the impression he's bendy.
Oh, he might not be bendy for you.
Yeah.
What a drag.
Anyway, let's play some music and come back with a crap commentary competition.
Here's a free play for you right now.
This is The Pixies, a track called Nimrod's Son from their first EP, Come On Pilgrim.
It has some swearing in it, which I've removed for you listeners, so don't worry about it.
He's the king of shouting.
Yeah.
That's the Pixies with Limrod's son.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
We'll be back with competition time after these messages.
Love music.
Love XFM.
This is XFM.
see I really enjoy that I think that's good the conventional wisdom is that Franz Ferdinand are no longer a hip commodity yeah and I just think that their second album is is better than their first one well I tell you one thing we were supposed to play the ordinary boys then but we didn't because we can't yeah we can't we can't have the ordinary boys I mean there are limits there are limits aren't there yeah you know much as we like Preston
Yeah, we like Preston.
So if you're an Ordinary Boys fan, we're sorry, but you know, you've got to draw the line somewhere.
Yeah.
Um, okay.
Is it competition time?
It's certainly competition time.
You could win a DVD or tickets to a show.
you just never know so sharpen up your brain and get ready to play yeah it's time for crap commentary competition or corner shall we play the jingle for that as well well yeah waste more time well it's a good jingle because that's a jingle to say we're in the area of competitions now let's focus in the jingle
Uh, you know, uh, what do you call it, a subset?
A dedicated jingle.
A dedicated jingle, a more targeted focused jingle, uh, is, is this one.
But this is useful as well because it also explains the nature of the competition.
It's so practical, it's so useful.
It's utilitarian.
Yeah.
Jingle.
Go ahead, it's easy, you can use 5MTB.
Yes, Shamboozle is the name of that song, I think.
Oh yeah, Bob James.
Why can't we do like a jazz funk show?
Well, we could.
Well, you could call it jazz function.
That's a good idea.
Bet no one's ever thought of that before.
Except, um, what's-his-name, the guy from, I've forgotten his name, Craig Charles.
yeah why would why would he have thought of that because he did the funky bunker because he's got a funk show on on radio plus he's good with names he did the funky bunker yeah and he did weapons of mass distraction there you remember that he'd love that anyway so let's do the competition uh so obviously as explained by the jingle you've got to tell us what uh movie star this is talking about what movie so you've got to get the movie star in the movie and this is an excerpt
from a commentary he did on one of his films.
It's an American male star.
The number is 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 as soon as you know who it is.
And so in this first clip, what's this?
Our movie star is watching the film and obviously this isn't, I've sort of cut bits up.
I've taken little bits from all through the film and compressed them.
But he's keen to tell us which scene his favorite scene is and he kind of can't really decide.
Because they're all so good.
Well have a listen.
Okay, here we go.
This is one of my favorite scenes because it's opening the movie.
Here's another scene which I thought was really vital and actually this is a
This is a scene I really, really like right here, and this is absolutely one of my favorite scenes.
I absolutely love this scene.
This again is one of my favorite scenes.
This particular scene is one of my favorite scenes.
It's one of my favorite scenes, and not that this is one of my favorite scenes, but it's a scene I'll always remember, and this is my favorite scene.
My favorite scene of the movie is right here.
Wow, that's a lot of favorite scenes.
How many was that, seven or eight?
That's maybe 10 or 11.
You Ain't Heard Nothing Yet.
He's very pleased with that.
I sounded like Danny Baker then.
He says stuff like that.
You Ain't Heard Nothing Yet.
He's a genius.
He is a genius.
Um, so yeah, there's more to come.
So 0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine.
Uh, if you know who that is, should we hear the second clip?
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know who this is yet.
You haven't told me, but that sounded, uh, it's gotta be easy with that kind of music, surely.
So yeah, let's hear the second clip.
so so in this second clip uh he hello sorry mate he's fading me out you fading out a little bit there um wow i can't think anymore uh he's watching his film and uh he's basically telling us which bits are great yeah yeah i mean suffice to say he thinks a lot of the movie's great so he explains first which are his favorite scenes yeah and then he goes on to explain why yeah well no not why he just he's just pointing out which is great have a listen to this okay and this is great
This is great, too, with the camel.
This is such a great moment.
It's an edgy moment.
Here's another great fight scene.
This is great.
It's great.
So I think it's great.
It's a great little line.
This is great as well.
And it looks great.
And this is a great scene.
This is a great scene, too.
This is actually fantastic.
That's great.
And that's a great line.
It was great.
This is a great scene with the kid.
And what's great about Kelly's character, she plays such an empowering woman, which is great.
so he thinks it's great yeah he pretty much thinks it's great it's almost like the scenes of the film are on a production line and he's in like a white pinion a white like hat and he says this is great this is great he's got a box mark great this that seems great great he's got a box mark fantastic oh that one's fantastic that's great uh he's you know he says it with that that little enthusiasm
like he's on a production line.
0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine if you know what American star that is and what film he's talking about.
Is anyone calling, Xanthi?
Yeah, okay.
I've got an idea who that is.
There is a third clip, but shall we save that until someone calls in?
Yeah, let's save it.
Okay, so if you think you know that, call in now.
Yeah?
That's the sort of thing we're supposed to say, isn't it?
Yeah.
Get calling.
Pick up the phone and- and- and, uh, call in.
Shall I give the number again?
It's turning into Quizmania on ITV.
08712221049.
I love Quizmania.
Stop boning.
Start phoning.
What?
They're just an inexhaustible fountain of creativity.
That's the Flaming Lips.
The Flipping Flaming Lips.
With the Yeah Yeah Yeah song.
That is the first single to be taken from their new album, At War With The Mystics, which is out this week.
Now, we're in the middle of Crap Commentary Corner, our competition this week, and we've got a couple of people on the line who think they know who it was speaking in the clips that we played earlier.
Shall we play another clip?
Let's play one more clip.
You might remember if you were listening a couple of minutes earlier that we've got an American star who thinks every film in his scene is fantastic, every scene is his favorite, and he thinks that every single moment is great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great.
And here's some more bits that are great.
And we added this scene in additional photography, which I think is great.
This is great.
Again, utilizing the cave.
That's a great shot as well.
This is great.
This is great, too.
This is great.
It's a great moment in the movie.
That's a great rack focus shot of that arrow.
And the score, the musical score in the background is just amazing.
This is an awesome shot.
And this is great.
It's a great film.
I mean, it's clearly a great film.
Yeah, and it's got some sword and sorcery action going on in the background.
Yeah, what sort of sword and sorcery action?
Great.
Yeah, that's great.
It's really great.
Great.
Who have we got on the line then?
We've got Barney.
Hello, Barney.
We just lost him.
Oh, Barney!
You lost Barney?
Barney was guessing Paul Gambaccini.
He couldn't be more wrong.
That was gonna be fun.
Barney, what are you doing?
Have the courage of your wrong victims.
Did you giggle at him when he said Paul Gambaccini?
No, I didn't, I promise.
What, you said Paul Gambaccini?
Why, he's never been in a film, has he?
He's been in a cinema.
But not in a film.
I sat next to him during a press screening of The Frighteners.
Did you?
Yeah, he leaned quite heavily on my edge.
And what was he writing in his pad?
Nothing, but he had quite a bad breath.
This film is extraordinary.
Yeah.
That was boring, the film.
Anyway, so that's disappointing.
Barney, what about Nick?
Hello, Nick.
Hello.
How you doing?
Fine, thank you.
How are you?
All right.
Are you sure you're all right?
You sound quite boredly.
I'm a bit tired, but I'm OK.
Tired?
Why are you tired?
I didn't sleep much.
Why not?
Went to bed late, woke up early.
What time did you go to bed?
Uh, I can't remember.
Come on, what?
What?
Nick?
What's the matter, Nick?
Come on, man.
Are you depressed?
Your friends are worried.
I don't remember.
What?
Are you blaming us?
No, I was starting to get light when I went to bed, but I don't remember.
Yeah.
That's wrong.
Well, you should get to bed earlier, Nick.
You really should.
Yeah?
Pull yourself together.
Your life's falling apart, man.
Come on, man.
You know, because you've got everything to live for.
You're a talented young man.
You're good looking.
Look at your legs.
Look at those legs.
They're very strong, you know?
They're lovely.
So sheer.
They're very hairy.
They're too hairy.
Give them a shave.
There's nothing wrong with shaving them.
Hello, Nick.
All right, so, listen, this competition... Oh, it's a bore, isn't it?
Is it a drag?
Are we doing a competition?
Ugh.
I hate competitions.
Hello.
All right, Nick?
Yep.
Nick's just tolerating us.
So listen, man, we'll put you out of your misery.
What do you think was going on there in that clip?
Who do you think was talking?
I think it was The Rock.
The Rock.
Scorpion King.
Nick, you're correct.
That is The Rock on The Scorpion King, and it is a great film, isn't it?
I haven't seen it.
How the hell do you know it was The Rock talking about Scorpion King then?
Because I've seen Welcome to the Jungle and I thought it was that, but then it sounded too stupid to be Welcome to the Jungle.
That's good deduction.
Very good deduction.
Too stupid to be Welcome to the Jungle.
There's a sentence no one will ever say before.
What again?
You know what I mean.
Um, that's very clever, Nick, you know?
You should, uh, get a bit more sleep.
and then your brain will be capable of amazing things.
Yeah, exactly.
If you're operating on that level.
On that rock level of analysis.
That's impressive.
You should be a rockologist.
An archaeologist.
Hello?
So, Nick, what would you like as a prize?
We've got Robocop, the straight to TV movie.
The prime director.
Oh, we've got This Life, this, uh, this series.
I really recommend it, man.
It's amazing.
I've been watching it all this week and it's just a smash.
It holds up so well.
Listen, we should stop mocking the Robocop, the prime directives.
Not mocking the cop.
Can I just give you an idea of some of the synopses of the episodes?
Yeah.
Dark Justice.
Ten years after his resurrection, Robocop is up against the havoc-creating Bone Machine.
I hate the Bone Machine!
Imagine that, Nick.
Thank goodness someone's finally standing up to the Bone Machine.
Robocop versus Bone Machine.
Sounds a bit rude, doesn't it, the Bone Machine?
I think I've seen something like that on the internet.
So, Nick, what do you fancy?
Or there's this life.
I think I'm going to go for this last, please.
Yeah, that's got more eBay value.
It's an absolute.
It's a peach.
It's a smash.
It holds up tremendously well.
So congratulations, Nick.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Nick.
Thanks for your call.
Listen, man, go to bed, all right?
Yeah, get some sleep.
Shave those legs and become an archaeologist, OK?
OK, will do.
All right.
Sorry, we apologise.
Yeah.
Extraordinary.
That's the Super Furry Animals with breathtaking concision and precision, a song called Do or Die.
It's a bit of a free play for us here on XFM.
This is Adam and Joe.
Yeah.
Is there a Pixies song called Bone Machine?
There is, yeah.
Yeah.
Which is on their first album, Surferosa.
Yeah, so maybe they use that in that episode of Robocop.
They might do.
If you're excited by Robocop, the TV series, then we will be giving them a way to call us in Ditties in the Dark in the last 20 minutes of the show.
Make that 240.
Fantastic.
Now we're going to play some adverts, Joe.
14, 14, 14, 40.
What are you talking about?
14.40, I'm giving the time in 24 hour course in case there's anybody in the Navy listening.
Yeah, great.
Military person.
I just want to tease a couple of the ads we've got coming up.
We've got a Yellow Pages ad, which I think you're going to enjoy.
There's a Drink Drive ad.
That's wrong.
Not the advert, but, you know.
The practice of drinking and driving.
Yeah, don't do that.
No, well I think that's the emphasis of the ad that's coming up.
They're going to be basically saying, try and steer clear of it.
Is that a pun not intended?
You'll ruin your pizza for a start.
Exactly.
That one on the dashboard.
Don't do it.
It'll go all over the back seat.
It's no laughing matter.
That's shocking, that ad, isn't it?
Well, yeah, that pizza.
Oh, the pizza.
Tasty, such a waste.
Clean it off.
Come on, it's no laughing matter.
Stop it, will you?
Basic Instinct?
I don't know what that is.
And- And- No, that'll be good for the movie.
Basic Instinct 2 with David Morrissey.
Apparently, there's a three-way in the trailer.
It doesn't appear in the film.
Uh, it's got one scene with a left nipple and David Morrissey's bum, one scene with a right nipple and David Morrissey's bum, and then one scene with both nipples and David Morrissey's bum.
In the trail?
And that's your lot.
No, in the film.
Oh, I see.
Yeah.
And that's the- that's the extent of the nudity?
Yeah.
You see Sharon Stone naked, don't you?
Oh, no.
Apparently there's a pan up her leg which is like a liver spot to join the dots.
I want to see it but it's supposed to be so bad it's just like dying.
I wouldn't mind seeing it now, I'm excited.
Let's see what the trail has to say, we'll be back shortly.
argumentative and you've got the face on
That's the Naughty Monkeys, a band that's very, very popular with young people.
And they're aged between 11 and 12, and they're very talented.
They're very spotty, but they don't care because... They're from the North.
Spots are real.
They're from the North.
They're concerned with the everyday drama of life in kitchens.
Sort of a domestic poetry.
Exactly.
The poetry of the lower classes, the working classes of the country.
Yeah.
And it's marvelous.
I support it a hundred percent.
That's good news.
Yeah.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
London's 104.9.
What now?
I thought you were gonna, uh, speaking of the, um, poetry of the working classes, talk about the Guardian thing.
Yeah, we were saying earlier the Guardian got a brilliant April Fool this week, listeners.
On page three, it completely fooled me.
Uh, it goes like this.
In a coup for the Conservatives, the lead singer of Coldplay, Chris Martin, has declared his backing for David Cameron, releasing a song that the party hopes will become the Tory answer to Labour's 1997 anthem, Things Can Only Get Better.
Dave really cares about the things I care about, says Martin.
I'm afraid the same can't be said of Tony Blair anymore.
But the good thing about it is I so wanted it to be true.
I mean, it's so obviously an April Fool, but as soon as my girlfriend showed it to me, I thought typical.
Oh, yes.
You know, I thought that, I thought it was true.
It spoke to your prejudices.
Yeah, because I want, I kind of want to dislike Chris Martin.
Does that make me a bad man?
Yes, it does.
Does it?
I'm prepared to, I mean, not as, you know, as I'm sure he's a lovely person.
What is it about him that you don't like?
Isn't the fact that he's so successful?
So if he wasn't, if he was struggling in the margins.
It's the fact that he's successful, it's the fact that he would, if he actually did that, if he recorded a song in support of the Conservatives, that would be it, wouldn't it?
Well, of course.
That would be it.
He's unlikely to.
Game over for, for, uh, Tony Blair.
Yeah.
Took me a while to remember his name.
Oh, what, you think that if he did support the Conservatives?
Yeah.
I thought you meant it would be game over for the Coldplay?
No.
No, it would be fantastic for the Tories, wouldn't it?
Yeah, I suppose it would.
It would absolutely be an amazing seal of approval, mainstream pop approval, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
That would really polarise the indie masses, though, wouldn't it?
Yeah, what a shame it's not true, and what an idiot I am for falling for it.
Did you really fall for it?
Yes!
Only for about two minutes.
What other- I thought I had found an April Fool today, uh, but check- check this out.
Have you heard about this?
which airs on the Cartoon Network, features an eclectic cast of Marvel comic style heroes.
Sounds good.
Each is characterised with the supposed flaws and attributes of their race, which are exaggerated to a ludicrous degree for satirical effect.
Sorry, is this real or an April Fool?
tell me?
Minoritime.
The leader of the group is Dr Wang, an Asian maths genius with a freakishly huge brain who works in the laundry business.
Like the goonies.
His Indian sidekick, Dave Raj, works long hours in a newsagent's shop.
After being shot 235 times by burglars, his skin is saturated with lead- Hang on, what mag is this in?
And he's become bulletproof.
What mag is this in?
This was in The Telegraph.
Okay.
Uh, other characters include Landon K. Dutton, a black professor of women's studies, who transforms himself into Fasto, the world's fastest sprinter.
But that's a bit like The Incredibles, where the black character is Mr. Cool, is, is, what's he called, Free Freezone or something?
Freeze, yeah.
Yeah, that which is a slight stereotype, isn't it?
That was a little bit stereotypical.
Anyway, so do you reckon that's a real thing or not?
I reckon that's real, minority, that's probably real.
That is real.
Someone's pointed out that the Guardian advert is written by Olaf Priel, which is
an anagram of april fool oh they always do the anagrams don't they it makes me chuckle yeah spaghetti trees that don't exist why would you forget you can't have spaghetti trees of course it don't exist why would you believe it it's insane april fool uh you're only allowed up until midday though aren't you what you're only allowed to up what who is april yeah april foolery is only allowed until midday is that true apparently that's true that's why
because otherwise it would just be out of control.
Would it?
Yes.
Listen, if you're out there, if you're playing any good April Fools today, give us a text, let us know what you're doing, 83XFM.
You know, something really, uh, do you think people still do amazingly elaborate kind of, um, planned ones?
What are you doing?
I thought it was Karl Pilkington out there.
There's someone in the corridor.
listen let's play some music and then we'll do our text competition and stuff okay yeah we're coming up to the end of the first hour let's play a bit of music to polish us off did you enjoy the um basic instinct ad speaking of yeah the basic instinct ab was good wasn't it i like the lines of dialogue don't play games with me how far can you push it too far little stuff like that that's so sexy sexy and threatening sexy old lady no you can't push it that far sexy old lady okay here's the raconteurs
What a good song for pirates.
Steady as she goes.
That's the raconteurs.
And they are, of course.
Thank you.
Everybody knows what you're gonna say.
What are you gonna say?
Jack White.
Yeah, everyone knows that.
And, uh, Brendan Benson.
Everyone knows that.
All XFM listeners would know that.
They'd know that, yeah.
You're not going to be able to listen unless you know that.
Their debut album, Broken Boy Soldiers, is out on May the 15th.
You've got ages to wait for that one.
The poignancy, broken boy- I mean, boy soldiers are- are po- poignancy enough.
Oh.
Just getting children to fight in war is so sad.
Yeah.
But then they're- they're broken.
are they toys are they real they're shattered are they real shattered bodies are they wooden bodies all of that is done on the on the album so you should go out you know brendan benson and jack white was staying at the zeta hotel which is uh which is where i have my entertaining comedy evenings yeah uh and they were there for a couple of weeks i only mentioned that now did they come and see your comedy evening no because they arrived the day after you should have moved your comedy evening oh i should have done you never know what could have happened man imagine
Man, you're really good.
That was really funny.
Do you mind if I... Do you want a drink?
Do you want a drink?
This is how Jack White talks.
That's how he talks.
Yeah, man, you're really good.
With the Adam and what?
What?
The Adam and Joe show.
Me and Meg used to watch it on the tour bus.
It's awesome.
No, he wouldn't say that.
He wouldn't say that.
You'd go, hang on, would you like to see my TV?
I've made you a compilation of my favourite bits from the show, Mr White.
And you'd make a picture of Jack White on it and make it Jack White's special DVD.
Yeah, it's the White version.
He'd put it in the bin.
He'd pop it in the bin.
And then you'd write to him, Mr White, do you remember you met me?
Come and come to your house, please!
See, this is Joe Cornish ribbing me about all the times I've actually done this.
I've done it to so many other people, though it may as well have been Jack White as well.
Hey listen, listeners, and Adam, why won't they advertise Green Wing a bit more?
I know, I'd love a few more efforts.
Why can't they put some spending power behind Green Wing?
No one's gonna watch it unless they advertise it.
What I'd really like- Like, how can they get away with just doing buses and posters and the television and the cinema?
What about bus shelters?
Yeah.
Why aren't there green wing taxis?
Skywriting.
Why aren't they sky- Why can't they sk- Come on, Channel 4!
Put your mu- Put your money behind- Pick one show, ignore the rest, pick one show, and put some money behind it.
Let's have some really smug, ironic- Give green wing a push, I didn't say that.
Skywriting.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
No, the clouds of self-satisfaction coming off those posters are causing London to become polluted.
It had better get big ratings, otherwise that could be the death of the entire advertising industry, right?
The death of the TV industry.
Death of both industries.
Ooh, death of the industry, yes.
We'll be back shortly.
Love music.
Love XFM.
That is the feeling with a track called Sown.
There you go.
I got it the right way around this week.
That's the second single from the London-based quintet.
They are self-described soft rock archaeologists.
Good news from our listener Simon.
He says, hi Adam and Joe.
I don't normally find you very funny, but today you're making me laugh.
Well done.
Thanks very much, Simon.
Simon, we've been trying to make you laugh for how long's it been now?
Three, over three years.
Over three years, so it's a big special day for us.
Today we've practiced, Joe and I are going off for a little celebration later on about the news from Simon.
That's really sarcastic, isn't it?
Simon, we very much value your listening.
Well, that's, now that just sounds insincere.
And we're glad that you're happy.
It does sound insincere, doesn't it?
Um, yeah, so text competition time, and if you want to enter this text competition, what we're having in a second, then you might be motivated by the prizes, which are what?
Tickets to see Russell Brandt or the Zutons.
Notice I pronounce it, the zootons.
The zootons, they say.
This is the correct pronunciation.
Cootons, they sit on foodtons.
Their combined weight is teutons.
OK, so listen.
News that you may have caught or missed this week, Joe Cornish.
The number of youngsters, that's young people.
Caught cheating in GCSE and A-level exams rose by 27% last summer.
Wow.
Stats, statistics.
Stats.
What?
So this is kind of like a topical newsletter.
This is like a kind of...exactly.
This is not like the usual silly shop names thing.
you know, because, uh, I couldn't help noticing we didn't get nominated for a Sony award this week, and I thought, okay, time to pull our socks up and get topical, because that's what people like.
That's what the judges like.
That's what the judges really like.
So I don't know if there's any kind of late voting system, but listen, you know, we're having a topical competition this week, so what about it?
More than a thousand children, one in four of those caught, were disqualified for using mobile phones in exam halls.
that is the way that young children cheat these days with a mobile phone sounds practical to me they do every how how would you cheat on a mobile phone get someone to text you the answers to the questions yeah but how how are you going to secrete the phone they're not that flipping small secret secreted yeah
Like, make it secret, that word means, in some stages.
Um, I don't know, because, I don't know, I don't know, you could have a very flat phone, maybe, and put it between your bum cheeks.
If I, I could put my phone between my bum cheeks.
You can't then, accurately text.
I've got a very flat phone, it's one of those Star Trek ones.
I'm not saying that you can't put it between your bum cheeks, I'm saying that if you had put it between your bum cheeks.
Bum scratching.
You couldn't then ask.
Pretend to itch the bum.
Yeah, but then you have to text to someone in your bum.
Put the beats on very quiet, you know which number makes the sound.
boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
You know, you spell it by the sound.
So you're texting in your bum, could you please tell me what role the propaganda, er, er, department played in The Rise of the Third Reich, something like that?
Yes.
I'd say, can you tell me what Rol- Serid-reek?
You do it in text, like... And then who, who are they texting?
Are they texting some kind of information service?
They're texting that information service where you pay £1.50 and they can answer any question.
Oh, really?
You know that service?
What's it called?
I don't know.
Wiggles.
Wiggles?
Yeah.
You know, I was disappointed- Wiggles, why would you call Wiggles?
Wiggles.
Oh, Wiggles.
Like Wicked.
Wiggles would be better.
The Wiggles, have you ever seen the Wiggles?
Let's not digress, the Wiggles are evil.
That's all there is to be said about the Wiggles.
Um, but I was disappointed to find on another digression that Wikipedia is not so named because it's wicked.
Man, let's get to the text.
Okay, sorry.
For God's sake.
It's something to do with New Zealand, isn't it?
I don't know, anyway.
So, the competition, basically, I just want people to text in or phone in as well.
Cheating techniques.
Cheating techniques, modern cheating techniques.
Most impressive cheating techniques you have used.
Cheating anecdotes.
Have you been busted for cheating?
Great competition.
I think we should, should we stick to specific techniques?
OK.
Because technology presumably has opened up a lot on new avenues.
When we were at school, I had a foolproof, uh, way of cheating.
What was your cheating technique?
Oh, man.
In- in RE, uh, I had a tiny, tiny little cheat sheet in the ins- inside of my pencil tin.
Yeah.
But the guy, uh, taking the exam was very old.
And then, I'll explain it very quickly, it's quite complicated, but we used to take paper into our exams.
I remember that one.
You could take blank paper in.
Yeah.
So I would basically write all my notes out as if they were my exam entry, with my name and class at the top, and the date.
I'd slip them into the wad of blank paper.
Now my plan was this, if I got caught on the way into the exam hall, I could just say, oh sorry sir, you know, no, I've got, I put my notes in there by accident.
But Cornish Minor, why have you put your name and exam board on the top of the page?
I don't think I'd fill in those bits of time actually.
But then I'd get into the exam hall, I'd sit down.
Using a conjuring technique, I'd place my blank stack on top of the existing blank stack.
Mochiko the cheat?
Mochiko the magic cheat.
And I was laughing.
I was laughing.
A B in history.
Oh, because of your magic cheating.
Sweet macadamia pie.
It works, man.
So that's analog cheating, but we want to know what's going on on the street cheat.
I cheated in Spanish.
I secreted a... Sorry to say secret again.
I secreted a Spanish dictionary behind the cistern of the nearest lobby to the exam hall.
That's classic.
And then excused myself halfway through and looked up a word.
Did you?
One word!
That was it!
That was the extent of my cheating and I got a D.
Well, you want to do better cheating.
What a dick.
Listen, 83XFM, send us your cheating techniques.
You can remain anonymous if you want.
You can use a pseudonym.
Uh, are exams over?
What?
No, exams are coming up this summer, aren't they, for the kids?
Of course, we by no means advocate cheating.
I'm afraid I do.
Do you?
Yeah, it worked for me.
Steve Laughs Steve Well, the official line from XFM, I would imagine, would be not to cheat.
Ricky Laughs Steve No, XFM?
That's an edgy station.
The thing is, it depends on your attitude to exams anyway.
You know?
Steve Well, this is the thing, isn't it?
Yeah.
They are rubbish.
Ricky Laughs Steve Well, are they really a genuine measure of your knowledge or wisdom or intellect?
Steve No, it's a question of learning how to take the things, and if you cheat creatively, what's so wrong with that?
What's wrong with that?
Like, can't you be rewarded for that?
83-XFM for your best cheating... cheat... cheat-teeks... cheating techniques.
Or call on 0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Call, otherwise?
I wouldn't mind talking to some cheats.
OK.
Come on, then.
If we get an interesting cheat, Xanthi, you filter them.
Filter the cheats.
We don't want any mad cheats, all right?
Just fun cheats.
OK.
Free play now.
This is the Woolies.
That's the Woolies track from the late 60s.
So that wasn't The New Ordinary, boys?
No, that was the Woolies of the track called Who Do You Love?
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
We are asking for people to text us or give us a call with their top cheating tips.
We're interested in modern cheating techniques as well, things that may have come about in the last ten years or so with the advent of exciting new cheating technology.
So anything we'd really like to hear from you on the subject of cheating.
and uh anything coming in yet Joe?
Thanks very much Matthew right on the right stuff yes we have had some texts uh here's there's a text for instance from um in London um just the letter m if you have an identical twin like me you can alternate in exams interviews etc as we have several times no I don't believe that that's a thing you get in films sometimes and you just think please what if it's true Adam
It might be true.
What if it's true?
I hadn't even thought about it.
Wow, your mind is... Your world is exploding.
Yeah.
Writing exam notes on the bottom of your shoe works every time.
you know, you can't go wrong with the simple ones.
That's- that's- The bottom of the shoe?
Yeah.
That's risky.
What if you s- that's like a neighbour's cheating thing.
What if the piece of paper falls off on the way?
What if someone's- You don't write the thing on a piece of paper.
You write on the actual shoe.
You write on the actual shoe?
Yeah.
Because no one's going to look at the bottom of your shoes.
Who would look at the bottom of your shoe?
They'd have to be insane.
They'd have to be getting on a plane.
Yeah, exactly.
Don't cheat on a plane.
Well then how do you look at it?
you just cross your fold your legs in a casual way in a casual way yeah like that you just think but you can't get much on there because because the writing would have to be quite big to be visible from a distance you know this is one of the the things about cheating is that actually the process of preparing for the cheat is harder work than the revision itself it's often a good way of revising i used to have a rotring pen
you know which is like a little uh design pen with a very fine nib and i would write in absolutely tiny lettering uh all my cheat notes for history on on like a tiny little square of paper about about an inch square you know and then i would take this almost illegible little piece of paper into the exam with me but i wouldn't need it by that time because the act of concentrating so hard on writing microscopically
had pretty much drummed all the boring information into my stupid head.
Apparently, it's classed as cheating if you have your phone switched on these days.
Right.
So if someone calls you during an exam, and a phone goes off, you get disqualified.
You're busted.
Says Ruby, aged 16, you are busted.
Instantly busted.
I'm surprised you're allowed to take a phone into an exam at all.
It is easy to cheat as a girl, write notes on your thighs, then when you're sitting down, discreetly hitch up your skirt.
That sounds like an erotic exam.
Sexy cheating.
And then of cou- that's quite good though because- Don't they all run though?
Run?
Yeah.
Oh stop it.
Well you get hot in exams.
You get prickly butt.
You get hot and sexy.
You get nervous wouldn't you?
Well not sexy, what am I talking about?
But no, and then the teacher would come- if the teacher tried to do anything about it you could bust them for harassment.
yeah that's pretty good that's foolproof yeah someone says you and a friend learn semaphore that seems unlikely broken arm a cast with uh that's just out of a film as well now that can people use that one a cast right on writing on the cast you can't write on the they'd inspect a cast
No, because if it's got loads of signatures and stuff on it, and you sneak a few facts in there, you know, get well soon, P.S.
the pluperfect of LA is... Pluperfect.
Do you remember pluperfect?
No.
Pluperfect's a useful tense.
Anyway, keep them coming in, your modern cheating techniques, 8-3 XFM, yeah?
Yeah, we'll be back after this.
XFM XFM XFM XFM This is XFM
Love music.
Love XFM.
You know, if he wasn't singing that song in a voice like that... But if he was singing it in a voice like this... It'd be a bit more suitable, wouldn't it?
It sounds sort of like a Pinky and Perky song.
How can he sing a song like that, like this, as if it's, like, tough and cool?
Because he's serious about being, uh, quirky.
Yeah.
Cool, okay, thanks.
That was The Future Heads.
That's a new track from them.
Skip to the end.
Their new album is released on the 15th of May.
Same as The Raconteurs, I believe.
And that's the first single to be taken from the Sunderland Quartet's forthcoming LP News and Tributes.
Brand new music here on XFM, the number one station for brand new music.
Thanks very much, Jack Hornish.
So, our text competition this week, we're asking you to send in contemporary techniques for cheating in exams.
I'm gonna read some out now.
There's one there someone emailed earlier on didn't they saying?
Study harder you thick idiots.
I'll probably come to that I'm gonna read these without preparation.
Okay, then Yeah, take your answers in you pocket and just pull them out when you get seated Nobody checks because they wouldn't believe someone would be so stupid and blatant hide in plain sight hide and that's an interesting technique Generally in an approach to life.
That's right.
Just walk into shops.
Take something walk out and
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah?
You know, deprogram yourself.
Yeah.
It's taking the big risk.
Strip away all those reactions that society has taught you.
Yeah, if you are caught, though, you're in serious trouble.
Yeah, it's an insane way of carrying on.
OK, here we go.
Get several elastic bands, stretch them, then write the answers on them.
Once they're back to normal size, you can't read the writing.
Stretch and once, wrote down, you then flick them to your mates.
Oh, you flick them, Richie and Essex, with too much time on my hands.
please play there goes the fear by I don't know but that's quite good isn't it stretch that that's clever Adam what do you think of that that is clever I don't believe it would work though I know I'm not talking about you stretch it you let it what's the opposite of stretch contract and then you can flick it to someone else playing is the word playing it to someone else clever man well done Richie yeah that's I flirted outrageously with my teacher and after the exam he changed the name on an a-grade paper
for a previous year to mine.
Big boobs are very handy in most situations.
Who's that from, Lalisa?
That's from Alice.
That's true if you've got big boobs and you're still at school.
You're an A student all the way.
That's outrageous.
That is an outrageous thing to say.
You could get in trouble for that.
for what, for saying that?
No, no, no, for encouraging that kind of, um, prosecutable confusion on a sexual basis in school.
My mum taught at my school, so I sneaked a look at the exam questions which she'd secreted in her bag.
I think I did pretty well, though.
I'll never know, cos the invigilator caught me talking at the end and came over and ripped up my paper.
From Beth.
I got unnecessarily excited while reading that.
Sorry.
So are we looking close to finding some kind of winner?
It's up to you, man.
You choose the winners.
There haven't really been any outrageous bits of brilliance there.
How about this?
My mate sewed Morse code into her skirt.
I just don't believe that.
But it would be quite quick.
A dash, dot, dash, dot, dash is a longer stitch.
A dot is a shorter stitch.
You could, I mean, you could put the whole of a novel on there.
But you- you deserve an A for learning Morse code.
Well, you get an A. You haven't had to do any actual thinking work.
It's all sewing.
And you've learned Morse code.
It's a clever way of- of, you know, diverting
yeah well it's just sewing.
That's like saying a good way of cheating is to learn Italian brilliantly and then have some Italian tourists go by the window and say the answers and you can understand what they're saying.
I know what you're saying that was an anonymous one I think.
Hey isn't that quite a good idea though?
learn Italian, and then get some tourists to shout out the answers.
Outside the window.
That is quite good.
It wouldn't work in an Italian exam.
No, obviously we wouldn't pick an Italian exam, otherwise the teacher would pretty much know what you were doing.
Yeah, there's a lot of girls putting notes on their thighs and up their skirts.
It's easier for girls.
They've got more places to pop things.
Places where people can't look.
Yeah.
Anyway, well, we'll wrap this up shortly, I think.
So, so Joe- Can't it go on for more hours?
No, it can't.
It simply can't.
There's so much to pack in.
We've got dishes in the docks to pack in.
Okay.
And all sorts of great music still to play.
We'll come back with a winner right after this.
And this is, let me just check.
Let's just check on your piece of paper.
No, no, actually it's off paper, Joe.
What?
We're going off paper for this one.
Another free play?
Another free- I'm cramming them in because- What's it gonna be?
Hey, we haven't told people.
This is our penultimate show.
It is our penultimate show.
Next week is our last show.
last show so we're throwing caution to the wind you know we're going we're certainly going on a long break it might be the long break who knows the big break the big break you might be on radio norfolk yeah if i'm lucky um but anyway we've got this show and uh and next week to go
but I'm cramming in the free plays.
Here's David Bowie.
Now, a lot of people play David Bowie, of course, but when David Bowie gets played on the radio a lot, especially on Radio 2, I've noticed, they tend to favour the 70s stuff.
That's all classic stuff, sure, but they're ignoring an important body of work in the 80s.
The bad stuff.
Yeah, the bad stuff.
They're ignoring the bad stuff.
But the best of the bad stuff is delicious, like this one from Let's Dance.
That's a rare outie for Bowie's kind of smooth falsetto crooning there.
Hey, so listen, we've got Kirstie on the line.
Can we fade up Kirstie?
Hello, Kirstie.
Thanks for letting us call you.
That's what we're reduced to on this show.
We have to harangue our listeners.
No one ever calls us.
So we reckon you've won the competition with this cheating idea that was your friend.
Nothing to do with you, right?
Actually, I don't even know.
Well, he's not my friend.
He's been going through school.
Nobody we know.
OK, so this is just hypothetical, really.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's OK, we understand.
Tell us what this person did.
Well, basically, we had a French writing exam and we had to write an essay and she wrote it out on a piece of paper the same size as the dictionary and she printed out in the same font as the dictionary and she t-stained it so it would fit in the dictionary and she glued it in on the page so it looked like she was just looking up a word but really she was writing out her essay.
That's genius.
So you're allowed to take the dictionary into the exam?
Yeah.
So she printed her whole essay out onto, like, a little dictionary page.
That's fantastic.
I've been named to do that with receipts.
No, but I'm sure it would have taken longer.
Fake receipts.
Should I say that?
You faked receipts and then claimed the money.
When I was a kid, yeah, I faked a receipt, I think.
Just because I'd lost it at work or something.
Yeah.
And my Amstrad printer looked very like the things cash registers had.
But that's brilliant.
Make it.
That's very clever.
That's a lot of work, though, for your friend.
Well, it would have taken... It would have been easier to have just done the essay, I thought.
That's the thing about cheating though, isn't it?
If they caught her, they would have gone, you've failed your French writing exam, but you've passed your fonts and staining exam with an A+, which, you know, would have been an up, you know.
Would you like to study fonts and staining?
No.
Is that an offer, Adam?
You're running a course.
I'm going to.
I'm going to start up some fonts and staining classes.
Kirsty, well done.
That's very good.
We reckon that's the cleverest one.
A close first to the rubber bands that I really like.
The rubber band was very good.
Its inventiveness.
Well, do you want a prize, Kirsty?
Well, that's your brilliance, you see.
You're so un-greedy and selfless that you would be rewarded.
How old are you, Kirsty?
How old am I?
16.
16, OK.
So you're OK for any of the prizes?
No, she can't see this life because, frankly, it's 18.
And Kirsty, you couldn't handle it.
You couldn't handle this.
You probably haven't heard swearing.
It would shock you some of the words, they say.
And there are also bits of men that you don't know about.
that are displayed in this and they would shock you you'd think there was some sort of worm like crawling up the front of the man what's wrong with that xanthi some sort of worm come on it's just nature don't you be frightened of or ashamed of kirsty did it kirsty did you think we were going to be a bit nasty to you when we called up yeah i was scared because you were mean to someone else why would we mean what the bloke who was asleep that called in
I don't, yeah, probably, yeah.
Come on.
He just didn't sound like he was in the same universe.
He's really bored and we just didn't understand why he'd phoned in if he was so bored.
So listen, what price do you want, Kirsty?
Do you want the Robocop DVDs?
There's over six hours of viewing.
Go on, let her have this life.
We've got another copy of this life, don't we?
That's illegal.
We can't give an 18 DVD to a 16-year-old listener.
Well, you can, Adam.
But no, genuinely, you'll be busted.
You will be busted.
Really?
Yeah, it's like selling Seagies to a kid.
course it is you're giving it the government it's not it'll freak her out but she's she's not ready for egg and the must-see show about living loving party going 20-somethings she's not ready for it so you can have robo cop or you can have tickets to see russell brand stand-up show which will be far filthier than any this life exactly or a pair of tickets to see the zootons
Oh, can I have the suit on to pick it up?
Of course, yeah.
That's a good prize, there you go.
Kirsty, thanks so much for calling, well done.
Problem solved.
You're lovely and we love you and thanks for calling and goodbye.
Oh, lovely.
Bye.
Hey, thanks a lot, Kirsty.
Take care.
Ah, right.
Music and then, actually no, we should get into Dizzy's in the Dock, we've only got 20 minutes left.
Let's do some music first, you've said it now.
I don't know, we should launch it.
Let's launch and then we'll get into some music and how to...
See, saying launching it kind of dignifies the fact that I'm just playing a jingle.
Pressing a button.
Yeah.
So this is Ditties in the Dock.
You get to vote for what show we play.
Oh, come along.
Please talk, Adam.
I can't do it anymore.
This is the part of the show where Joe and I battle it out.
to see who will be the person that plays the final song of our two hours here on XFM.
What's the theme this week?
The theme this week is covers of classic soul songs by New Wave bands.
I love that theme.
I love that theme too.
Do you want to know what I've chosen?
Go on then.
Take me to the river by Al Green as covered by the talking heads from their album more songs about buildings and food It's an unlikely combination an edgy guitar based art band Covering a soulful, you know Song, but it works really well and please vote for it Oh, it's 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 if you want to hear take me to the river by the talking heads Oh, it's 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 alternatively alternatively you can vote for the slits and
fronted by The Slits.
They were an all-girl group fronted by Ariop.
What?
What are you talking about?
You got mad.
It's like an insane kind of punk lady language I'm talking.
This is from their classic album, Cut, and it's a cover of Marvin Gaye's Heard It Through the Grapevine.
and she sort of applies her mad, I think is she Dutch or German, but she has a really odd way of delivering her tunes and combined with the spiky new wave sound of the slits themselves, it's an irresistible combo.
What's it a cover of again?
Heard it through the grapevine by Martin Gay.
And so I want you to vote for the slits.
OK, so there you go.
It's the talking heads versus the slits.
08712221049.
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I conclude that it does make him crazy.
Gnarls Barkley.
Yeah, all those things do make him crazy.
You reckon?
You're crazy.
He's crazy, mate.
That's out this week, so rush out and buy it.
I'm sure it's going to be a massive hit.
A smash of... A smash of hit.
So it's Dit is in the Dock.
It's the slits versus the talking heads with covers of soul classics, Take Me to the River and what's your one?
What's going on?
Heard it through the grapevine.
There we go.
We've got four callers on the line.
We did have five, but Cornelius decided to hang up.
We've had a few hangers this week.
Cornelia, what are you playing at?
They didn't want to sit through Gnarls.
You've put a spanner in the works.
They wanted to dance.
I can't be hanging on the phone.
I got to dance to Gnarls Barkley.
I ain't hanging on no telephone line.
No, exactly.
So let's go to Heather, who now becomes our first caller.
Hello, Heather.
Oh, please, Heather.
Are you there?
There she is.
Hello.
Hello, Heather.
Thanks for hanging on.
Oh, that's OK.
How did that track sound down the phone?
Um, it was okay.
Do you like it?
Um, sort of, but I'm going off it, cos it's played a lot.
It's played a lot, isn't it?
It doesn't even come out till Monday.
They should realise that mistake.
It's insane, isn't it?
Why don't they just release playthings at the same time as they're released?
It feels as if it's been a hit for a bit.
It feels... What is number one this week?
Uh, it's... it's Neo with So Sick, but you don't want to get into that.
That's R&B world.
Hello, are you still with us?
Yes, yes I am.
Yeah.
So, what are you voting for?
Is it going to be the slits or talking heads?
The slits, I think.
The slits?
Why have you made that decision?
I don't know, it's just random really.
Right, just like slits.
And would you like a prize?
Are you a big fan of Robocop, the tin copper?
I'm not really.
Does anyone ever call him the tin copper?
There he's at, tin bobby.
Surely he's a copper copper.
A copper copper, yeah.
So you don't want that.
What about this life?
Um, have you got any tickets for Russell Brand?
Yeah, you can have the tickets for Russell Brand, definitely.
That's Monday night, can you make it?
Yes, yes I can.
Yeah, at the Hen and Chickens, there we go, well done, thank you very much for calling, and goodbye.
Very decisively handled there Joe, thanks a lot Heather.
Paul is on the line, how you doing Paul?
I'm good thanks.
Did you call before Paul?
I had done.
Yeah, did we go Paul?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, we're doing it again.
It's like a running thing between us, Paul.
I always ring when I'm stuck in traffic.
Today I'm not for once.
Are you not?
Well done, mate.
What are you doing?
Are you hanging out?
I'm cleaning.
Cleaning?
What are you cleaning?
I'm cleaning everything.
Your body?
Are you cleaning your body?
The only thing is, as I clean, my body's getting dirty.
You're cleaning the whole house?
A whole room.
A whole room, that's impressive.
Are you cleaning on your own or for any particular reason?
I just sick of the dust.
What are you using?
Cloths and spray.
Anything not used by Karl Hauman.
By who?
Oh, he's the guy from the Mr. Muscle ads, isn't he?
Is it Mr. Muscle, or...?
What are you talking about, Paul?
No, Mr. Muscle's the wimpy guy.
I thought he was a sci-fi author.
Carl from Brushstrokes.
Yeah.
You know, the guy on the adverts.
Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.
So Paul, what are you voting for, the slits or talking heads?
i'm going for talking heads good call there we go very good and what would you like as a prize you like the copper copper i do like the copper copper yeah have a dvd of the copper copper that's over six hours of viewing that's amazing imagine the bone machine the fight that he has with the bone machine you're gonna see that man paul thank you very much indeed for your call take care and have a good weekend sarah is on the line how you doing sarah good thank you
Thank you.
Yeah, what are you up to this weekend?
What's going down?
I'm getting ready for my friend's party.
Your friend's party?
What sort of a party is it going to be?
Is it going to be a naughty party?
Yeah, there'll be boys there.
Boys?
Are you at the age where you might snog a boy?
I'm 29, so I bloody hope so.
Nice.
Sarah's not going to do that.
She sounds too attractive for that kind of thing.
Sarah, what are you going to vote for?
Talking heads.
yeah talking heads it's not your choice though i know but what's happened to the drama it feels like a win-win this week because they're both very good songs but i do want to play the slits because it certainly isn't played very often it's not looking good man it's 2-1 to the heads i know i need i need some more slit action hey thanks for calling and what would you like do you want the copper copper tin copper bobby copper metal bloke probably not no this life what about this life
Hey, there we go.
Happy ladies.
We'll send you to that.
Thank you for calling, thank you for voting.
Thanks, Sarah.
Goodbye.
Libby is on the line.
Hi.
Hi, Libby, how you doing?
Hi, I'm good, thanks.
Are you Libby Purvis?
No, I'm not.
Just checking.
She will call him one day, Ed.
Will she?
One day she'll call him that.
Just don't give up hope.
When is it going to be Libby Purvis day?
What will you say to her?
I'll say, I'll say, what's it like being Libby Purvis?
Oh, imagine what it is like.
Can you make it up, Libby?
Sorry.
Just make it up.
What's it like being Libby?
Libby doesn't understand what's going on.
Neither do I. Libby, what are you voting for?
Uh, the slits.
The slits?
Are you a fan of the slits?
I am.
Yeah, well, that makes perfect sense then that you vote for them.
It's a good album, isn't it?
And it's an amazing version of the track as well.
It sort of reinvents it in a brilliant way.
I think it sounds disgusting.
Oh, I like it.
Libby, thank you very much, Dee.
What would you like, Libby?
I'm afraid you're left with a choice between, what, has everything gone apart from RoboCop?
You, do you want RoboCop?
Do you have any Zootons tickets?
Have we got any more Zootons tickets?
No, Libby, this is terrible.
Oh no.
Can we not squeeze Libby into the Zootons?
Oh, suddenly everything's gone really bad.
The loop has started playing again and it's slightly tiring.
Libby can't get the prize she wants.
We can, we can, we can.
Oh, we're going to sort her out with Zootons tickets.
How about that?
We're going to squeeze you into the Zootons.
But you will be accompanied by Robocop.
So have a good time.
Thanks for laughing at that.
Take care, Libby.
Then it's 2-2, so the deciding vote goes to Michael.
Hello, Michael.
Hi, Michael.
Has Michael hung off?
No, I'm still here.
How you doing, Michael, mate?
I'm very well, thanks.
How are you?
I'm pretty well as well, actually.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
Bye then!
Only joking, joking, just joking, Michael.
Now, we've got to wrap it up, in fact, because, you know, they're both fairly long songs.
So we need to know, Michael, what you're voting for this week, and leave a pause before you say, because it's an exciting climax.
Yeah, I will do, but I can remember this version coming out, I believe it was about 79.
Yeah.
Someone was, uh, I heard it through the grapevine by the slits.
Hey!
Fantastic.
So the slits win it, and come on, you've got to have Robocop.
Michael, come on, man.
Well, what about two Robocops?
Sorry?
Listen to this synopsis.
To save the city, the entrapped defenders must shut down the all-powerful computer, and in doing so, the ultimate sacrifice must be made.
Come on, Michael, how could you refuse that?
The ultimate sacrifice, Michael.
OK then, yeah?
Alright, good man, well done.
Any Russell Brand tickets to go with it?
I tell you what, three copies of Robocop.
Unfortunately, we don't have any more Russell Brand tickets.
I'm really genuinely sorry about that, Michael.
That's alright.
But we'll try and squeeze some more exciting knick-knacks into your package.
Come on, you're getting three copies of Robocop.
Imagine the enemies you'll make, handing those out.
Michael.
Thanks very much for your call.
Take care.
Have a good week.
Thanks to everyone who called in and texted us this week.
We really appreciate it.
Yeah.
We'll be back next week for our last show before our summer break.
And it's going to be a crazy show.
Who knows what could happen?
Yeah.
Do you think we should just fill the show with clips from previous shows?
I think we should go crazy like the movie network.
I think one of us should go mad and start swearing and smash up the studio.
We should play nothing but our own music.
Yeah.
We should do.
We should have the craziest show ever.
But Joe, that's what this week's been like more or less.
Yeah, that's true.
So it'll be more of the same.
Yeah.
Take care.
Love you, bye!
Here's the slits.
Oh, I knew what your plans to make me be With someone like her you knew before Ain't you ever kind, you know I love you more Took me miles of walls
To lose my mind, honey, honey I know a man is supposed to cry But these tears I can't hold inside Losing you would mean my life, you see Cause you mean that much to me You could've taught me yourself
Now listen, we're taking the opportunity of this instrumental break to say happy birthday to Laney and to Tom, whose birthday is tomorrow.
We were supposed to say that through the whole show for our producers, Anthony, but we forgot.
But there you go.
Happy birthday, Laney and Tom.
Have a special day.
You be my baby You be my baby
Do you plan to let me go For this other guy you knew before I'm just about to lose my mind I'm just about to lose my mind I'm just about to lose my mind
XFM