I won't give you my love cause you're stinky.
You all constantly go out and play those gigs at those stinky venues.
You come home stinking of beer and sweat, Lee Singer of the Zootons.
That's why I won't give you my love.
I'm going to bed.
Now, I'm glad you got that off your chest.
Thanks.
It's been building up for a while, hasn't it?
Yeah.
Uh, why don't you give me your love?
Of course, by the Zootons.
Their combined weight is two tons.
Uh, they... They sleep on futons.
Uh, they sell... Favorite food is croutons.
And they, they've never visited Luton.
Luton's.
This is Adam and Joe, uh, on XFM, London's one of 4.9, here with you for the next hour and fifty-eight minutes for our last show before our large summer break.
large summer break.
Yeah.
We're gonna be working, obviously, doing different things.
Yeah.
We got fish to fry.
Oh, fish, big fish to fry.
Big, big fish to fry.
Big fish.
Um, but, stay tuned because we've got tickets to give away to what?
The production of Trainspotting at the Hackney Empire.
Is that a real, a real thing?
Well, there's a live stage show of Trainspotting.
That's exactly what the world needs.
Wow, what'll that be like?
Very funny, I would imagine.
Free bottle of champagne.
You don't want to give away a free bottle of champagne.
Shh, don't you get a little smack?
Exactly.
Tiny bit of smack.
Little bit of smack.
Uh, a pair of tickets to see the Concrete's- what?
No, hang on.
To see the Concrete's University of London.
To see the Concrete's at the University of London.
Not just to stare at the concrete that- Yeah, on Tuesday 11th of April.
Two Everybody Loves Raymond DVDs.
Who does love Raymond?
Apparently, I've got some- I mean, they say everybody loves Raymond, but I've yet to meet one person.
I've got some friends who love Raymond.
No, no.
Have you?
Yeah, I've got- Dougie loves Raymond.
Does he really?
Yeah, he genuinely loves Raymond.
Raymond.
I don't know.
I've never watched it myself.
Look at that face.
Raymond's face.
Just from the face, I don't love him, but- Plus, if you're a horror fan, we've got, uh, for Ditties in the Dock at the end of the show, we've got two Asian Extreme horror movies to give away, Tartan Asia Extreme, one called Tell Me Something, and the other called Abnormal Beauty.
Imagine.
They're scary.
We'll investigate them further later.
So loads of prizes.
Yeah, I've got extra prizes as well.
Adam and Joe DVDs to give away.
An amazing selection of Region 1 DVDs from America.
Just giving away your rubbish.
I'm just giving away my rubbish.
Plus music from... Sorry, are you finished?
No, carry on.
Music from Snow Patrol, The Killers, Primal Scream, Gorillaz, Kaiser Chiefs, Stone Roses, Orson, and that's just the first hour.
Yeah, can't guarantee we'll play all of those, of course, because we might substitute a few of those for free plays.
Yeah, for some Muppet records.
Muppet, Muppet records.
But let's have Snow Patrol right now.
Can't we have a Muppet record?
I haven't got any Muppets.
This sort of is a Muppet record.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
this is your all I have.
I always feel as if sometimes when I'm introducing records I'm a bit like Bruiser de Cadenet when he was on The Word.
No one remembers who he is apart from you.
Amanda de Cadenet's brother.
No one remembers who she is.
She used to present The Word and she was posh and she went out with John Taylor from Duran Duran at one point or one of the Durans.
Now she's a photographer in LA.
Yeah.
And in fact I think she at one point certainly she was going out with one of the Strokes, Nick Valencia maybe.
Sure.
I don't know.
And then her brother at some point turned up to present, um, one edition of The Word, the popular youth mess that was on Channel 4 way back when.
70s.
And he was the poshest man in the entire world, and he could barely speak, and he was literally, I'm not exaggerating, like this, and he was reading the autocue, and I remember he, um, introduced Kingmaker, and, um, I bet people don't really remember Kingmaker, and he said,
Here we've got a great new song from a bit of Kingmaker and it went on like that.
Very posh.
So, yeah, I always feel as if I'm the Bruiser de Cadenet of XFM.
So here's a bit of the Snow Patrol.
Keeping the snow safe.
That was Snow Patrol, wasn't it?
Did we play another record?
No, that was the Snow Patrol.
Yeah, keeping the snow safe for kids, kiddies.
No weeing on it.
Snow Patrol.
With you're all I have.
Now, um, a bit later on, we're going to have a competition, of course.
We always have to have a competition.
It's what radio's all about.
Giving things away, competitions.
Uh, unfortunately, I was going to do celebrity regression therapy this week.
That's not unfortunate.
That's exciting.
No, it is.
I phrased that incorrectly.
Excitingly, I was going to do celebrity regression therapy this week.
Unfortunately... Oh, there we go.
I didn't get round... I had it just in the wrong order.
I didn't get round to doing it.
Why not?
I, er, because, sir, I... You think you can get away with this just because it's the last show, don't you?
You think there'll be no repercussions.
I've got an excuse.
What is it?
Erm, so listen, I was working yesterday.
I was working very hard.
I worked 13 hours yesterday.
What do you mean by working?
Standing.
I was in a film.
Okay.
Yeah, okay.
Maybe tell you about it.
I know about that.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
But, um, 13 hour day.
14 actually.
And, uh, mainly standing around doing nothing.
But, still very tiring.
And got home very late.
Um, not that much time to do my usual preparations for the show.
What time did you get home?
Got home 10.30.
Late?
Well, I was, I got up at five in the morning.
I was knackered.
Okay, 10.30, yeah.
I was like, on my eyelids!
I was on my eyelids!
Um, and then I went to bed, because I thought, right, I'll get up early, do some preparation and whatnot, do some regression therapy this afternoon morning, and, uh, went to the lavy, uh, in the middle of the night.
We don't need tonight.
You do, this is, this is Jermaine.
Sorry, yeah, okay.
Did something bad happen in the lavy?
Yeah, this is Jermaine Greer.
And I went to do a wizzle-wuzzle in the lav,
And the... Is it like that film?
What?
Where he poos out the monster?
No!
What are you talking about?
It's that Stephen King film.
The Unwatchables or something.
I can't remember.
It's all snowy.
And he gets his fingers shot off.
Anyway, keep going.
And he poos out a monster?
Yeah!
Oh!
We saw it in Tokyo.
I know what you're talking about.
The Unwatchable.
The Unrentable.
The... What's it called?
Anyway, keep talking.
Keep talking.
Keep going.
And it's in the snow, isn't it?
Yes, all in the snow.
It's got the guy from Band of Brothers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep talking.
OK.
Anyway, no, er, so, the, the, the toilet floor was flooded.
There was a flood.
With what?
Water.
With water.
System water.
Not blood or anything.
All right.
It was system water.
All right.
Er, well, this is not what anyone was thinking.
OK, no, that's good.
A theme.
Dreamcatcher.
There you go.
OK.
Was the film.
And, erm,
There was water all over the area, and it was a cistern problem that I was having, so I lifted off the top of the cistern, you know, and thought, okay, I'll stem the flow.
You attempted to reboot your cistern?
It's nice.
I tried to fool the stopcock.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Don't try and fool a stopcock.
I tried to fool the stopcock by suspending the big floaty ball that tells the cistern when to stop filling up.
Because it was overfilling and it was spilling everywhere.
So I tried to keep the stopcock happy, keep the synthetic, and it broke off in my hand.
And then the water just started going everywhere, like spurting out at an alarming rate.
Sounds like some sort of Farrelly Brothers.
It was like some others do.
And it was one of those horrible moments where you're sort of thinking, hmm, okay, what am I going to do?
And then you realize that there's nothing actually that you can do.
And I tried to switch the water off.
I couldn't find where to switch the water off in the house.
Would you know where to switch it off?
You do?
I'm so thick, I don't know!
I don't know anything!
And I certainly don't know where to switch the water off in the house.
So it was flooding, and it was like the bit in the abyss, you know?
Where Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth, Master Antonio are in their little sub.
Well, it didn't fill the whole room, did it?
No, but it was the same moment of thinking, oh no, something very bad's gonna have to happen in the abyss.
they had to decide that she would drown and he would swim her to safety in the icy cold waters.
Obviously I didn't drown and have to do that, but it was a similarly dreadful moment at one in the morning when you think, oh no, I'm going to have to phone a plumber.
So I had to phone an emergency plumber.
I was up for hours and that's my excuse.
Well, it's rubbish and I think you've made it up.
It's true.
I think you've made it up.
I just didn't- I didn't- Luckily, I, Joe Cornish, did an emergency, uh, uh, crap commentary corner.
Oh, nice.
So we'll have that in a bit.
Fantastic.
I'm gonna pun- play some music.
I'm gonna come over there and slap you up a bit.
Oh, I might like it.
Here's the Killers.
All these things that I've done, that's the killers.
It's Saturday!
Spending day!
Shopping day, Saturday, spending day, shopping day, Saturday, spending day!
What can I spend my money on?
Are you going to buy some things?
I want to hear adverts!
Oh, okay, yeah.
I want to know what to spend my money on Saturday, shopping day, spending day.
Come on, come on, come on.
Either that or I want to know what not to do tonight at a party.
we've got a couple of cultural tips for you okay uh stereophonics what coming up what do you mean an advert for them yeah uh something to do with channel four what do you think the channel four one will be probably greenwing oh no no it's music something music based i think play them man play them ah it's exciting isn't it are you ready listeners here we go
Yeah, that was the Gorillaz with Dare.
competition time you could win a DVD or tickets to a show you just never know so sharpen up your brain and get ready to play that's right it's competition time and because Adam's toilet blew up plumbing nightmare yeah it's gonna be another crap commentary corner but we got some good stuff to give away would you say it's a difficult crap commentary corner this we say it's fairly easy Adam would you yeah
Well, I'm just wondering if we can assume that the person that wins it will have a multi-region DVD player.
Well, I don't know.
I think a lot of people do.
They're pretty common these days, aren't they?
Yeah, they're common.
Common.
They're so common.
Urgh!
Because I've got a few of my DVDs that I want to give away.
They're brilliant.
Are they?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
So basically, listeners, what we're trying to say to you is that there is an incredible array of prizes and we're not one of those.
We don't insist you take a particular prize on this show.
We're very egalitarian.
You can choose anything from our smorgasbord, our pick and mix table.
Yeah.
You know, like Pizza Hut, where you can have all the pizza you want.
It's like a free for all.
And on top of all the proper prizes, we've got
Lots of Adam's old DVDs.
But what DVDs?
What DVDs?
13.
The worst, funniest teen movie ever made.
Easy.
It's amazing.
Dangerous Lives of the Alter Boys.
Brilliant.
Jodie Foster.
Antoine Fisher.
Oh, staggering.
Paparazzi.
It's Time to Settle the Score.
From producer Mel Gibson.
Yeah, what a film.
Birth is a good film.
Birth is good.
Jonathan Glaser.
That's actually a good film.
Mystic River.
Mystic River, that is good as well.
It's all right if you like red herrings.
It's gruelling.
If you want to get really depressed.
Mystic, what's that?
Mystic River, they just convince you that it's a different person for 90 minutes of the running time.
That's the point in that.
And this is a great DVD, the Adam and Joe DVD.
So lots of DVDs to give away.
Here's the competition.
The idea of this competition is we're going to play you an audio clip from a DVD commentary.
You have to name the director who's talking and the movie that he's talking about.
The number is 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9.
That's 0 8 7 1 2 2 2
1049.
Calls are free, aren't they?
Do we raise money from them like everybody else in the world?
They can't be free, can they?
Well, they're not, but we don't charge a pound like every other competition.
Oh, I see.
Like mint on ITV.
We don't charge you extra.
There you go.
But it still costs like the rate of a normal call.
Don't we call people back?
Well, sometimes.
Sometimes.
Okay.
But we're not profiteering from the competition, is what I'm trying to say.
Right.
Okay?
Yeah, yeah, good.
So here's the clip.
If you know what director this is, what movie he's talking about, call 08712221049.
This is a very talented director who's obviously made a brilliant film because here are some moments of him saying how he's been influenced by very, very good, famous films.
So his film must be good, right, if it's had all these influences.
Have a listen to this.
As we tease in one long steady cam shot, which is designed to be sort of a
Ode to my hero Martin Scorsese.
When the girls go up and over the couch I want that to feel like the good morning number from Singing in the Rain.
That Corvette that you saw back there is the Corvette from Boogie Nights.
We want to tap into sort of a manhunter energy here.
Such an interesting house.
They shot the big Lebowski at this house.
Lucy was Iris because that's Jodie Foster's character in Taxi Driver.
And this seems naturally very much influenced by Cape Fear and you know, Musso and Frank were
Orson Welles wrote Citizen Kane.
We wanted to tap into some of that energy.
I think I know that voice.
So there's a very talented director who's obviously made a masterpiece.
How could it not be a masterpiece when all those references are piled on?
Yeah.
0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9.
The work of Scorsese, The Big Lebowski.
Yeah.
Singing in the Rain, Citizen Kane.
All those great movies.
Boogie Nights.
Put them all in a blender.
What do you get?
I think I know what you get.
0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9.
If you think you know what director that was and want to win some fantastic prizes, call now.
Call now.
Here's a free play for you.
This is this is a kind of pop punk nugget from plastic Bertrand.
I don't think they were French.
I think maybe they were Belgian or maybe even Dutch.
I don't know exactly.
But this was a song that was kind of a novelty punk song, and it was very much derided for being, uh, such.
But I think it's a smash!
This is called S'a plain pour moi.
We probably know it already.
I think it was used in an advert at one stage.
What does that mean?
S'a plain pour moi.
I think that means, uh... That's something like too much for me.
Isn't it plenty for me?
That's obvious.
No, isn't it?
Like, that's obvious?
Let's find out.
Let's join the record.
I don't know.
See what you think.
I like that song.
And if you don't like it, then- then you've got a problem and I'm gonna fistfight you about it.
You can stuff it up your trousers.
Um, Colin the Tyler says, uh, Plastique Bertrand was Belgian.
There you go.
Colin the Tyler is a well-known source of accurate pop facts.
Accurate facts.
Thanks very much, Colin.
Um, okey-doke, we've got a couple of people on the line now who think they know the identity of our, uh, genius director.
Shall we just remind people of his, uh, genius quickly?
Yeah.
Ooh, that's wrong.
That's not him.
Sorry, man.
The thing about this director is have a listen to all the famous movies that he's referencing to make his own movie the masterpiece that it is.
As we tease in one long steady cam shot which is designed to be sort of a ode to my hero Martin Scorsese.
When the girls go up and over the couch I want that to feel like the good morning number from Singin' in the Rain.
That Corvette that you saw back there is the Corvette from Boogie Nights.
We want to tap into sort of a manhunter energy here.
Such an interesting house.
They shot the big Lebowski at this house.
Lucy was Iris because that's Jodie Foster's character in Taxi Driver.
And this seems naturally very much influenced by Cape Fear and, you know, Musso and Frank where Orson Welles wrote Citizen Kane.
We wanted to tap into some of that energy.
There you go.
One of the many young film nerds who's gone on to carve an amazing, successful career.
Yeah.
So before we say any more, let's go to Dennis.
Are you there, Dennis?
Hello, mate.
Hello.
Yeah, I'm good.
Yeah, what are you up to?
Er, having her in a bath.
Are you in the bath?
Yep.
You're actually in it.
Splash around for a bit so we know you're not lying.
Oh, that's slightly revolting.
That's, I think that's sexy.
If you think it's sexy, what do you, what do you, what does your body look like, Dennis?
Ha!
Don't ask him that!
Why not?
Everyone across London is now picturing Dennis in the bath.
All right then.
Now, all men know what their own bodies look like in the bath.
mine looks quite sexy mine looks pretty bad mine look dennis look down your foreshortened torso and tell us what you can see my body yeah but is it what hairy are we looking at ridges valleys hair yeah how much of it is protruding above the surface of the water how many islands are there in the sea of dennis's bath a hairy hillock
Yeah, it's enough, I think.
Enough?
Oh dear.
Well, what are you doing in the bath at 1.35 on a Saturday afternoon?
You should be out shopping.
That's called a hangover.
Have you?
That's what everyone says on this show.
That's the only reason to listen to it.
But it's a nice day out there, man.
I know, I'll be out there soon.
Dennis, how long are you going to be in it for?
I should be getting out in the next hour or so.
What's your average bath length?
Two hours.
Two hours?
What's your skin like after that?
That's pruning.
Oh, I've got really soft skin.
Yeah.
Do you let it go cool or do you constantly replenish from the hot dirt?
Constantly turning the tap on again.
Right.
Constantly hot water, topping it up with the hottest water, yeah.
And then what?
Does the bath just get very full or do you let it out?
Let it out.
Dennis, the health of your scrotum.
is possibly, you know, it's hot water's bad for it and two hours in the bath.
Imagine the wrinkles.
This is when it's hot water bad for the scrotum.
It kills the spermies.
What are you talking about?
It does.
They hate the hot water.
They love a warm bath.
They love the cold water.
It's true, man.
I'll have a cold bath tomorrow.
Yeah, that's good, fella.
Anyway, let's get to the point.
Dennis, who do you think this director is?
Well, I thought, well, change of mind, really.
I think maybe Rodriguez.
It's who?
Robert Rodriguez.
Robert Rodriguez, the human guinea pig.
Robert Rodriguez is, um, Mexican, isn't he?
Oh no, he's not, he's, he's... He's from Texas.
He's from Texas, but I don't think he sounds like this.
This guy sounds like more of a kind of, uh, college boy.
Yeah, what, what, um, what movie would that be if it was Robert Rodriguez, Dennis?
Uh, yeah, I don't know.
Oh, I think you're doing some kind of alternate states, William Hurt style,
evolutionary regression in that bath.
Yeah, you're in a flotation tank.
It's not a bath, it's a flotation tank, and you're turning into some kind of primeval monkey.
You've become disconnected from reality.
Dennis, I'm afraid that's wrong, but can we give you a prize anyway?
I'll have your DVD for sure.
Have you, er, er... What, the Adam and Joe one?
Yeah.
You mean you haven't already bought a copy?
I've lost it.
He's been too busy bathing.
OK, that's good enough.
We're going to send that to you.
Brilliant.
And yeah, it's not waterproof.
We'll even sign it for you, Dennis.
Don't watch it in the bath.
It's very dangerous.
I brought in my silver pen.
OK?
We'll sign it on the outer packaging so you can throw it away.
So thanks for calling in, Dennis.
Have a good bath.
Have a great bath.
You know, don't put any electrical equipment in there.
Now, has the hosepipe ban come into effect?
Because aren't baths illegal?
Aren't you supposed to take showers?
Really?
I don't know.
I'm going to call the police, and then Dennis is arrested.
No, hosepipe ban just applies to hosepipes in the garden.
You can still do what you want in the house.
OK.
Obviously, you should be responsible about it, and a shower would be a good idea.
Are we going to go to another caller now?
We got one.
Someone who's maybe got it right.
Who is this, Anthony?
James Woods.
James Woods?
Jimmy Woods!
Hi, I'm a big fan, Mr. Woods.
Oh, thanks.
And, uh, I think you're devastating in, uh, once upon a time in America.
Cop.
I like you in cop.
You, Joe, likes you in cop.
Yeah, not many people have seen that one.
Makes me special.
What are you doing now?
I'm actually just chilling.
He's in a role.
He's in a method.
He's in character.
What sort of a character is he playing?
What kind of character are you playing, Mr. Woods?
Oh, it's... I've got to keep it under wraps, to be honest.
It's brilliant.
Whatever it is, it's amazing.
You've transformed yourself a rapper.
A rapper?
Yeah, yeah.
Like Mike Skinner from the streets.
Yeah, very similar.
Wow.
Do something.
Oh, OK then.
So Mr. Woods, what's your guess?
What director do you think this is?
I believe this is McG.
I believe it to be the voice of McG.
And what film?
Oh, one of his many masterpieces.
There's only two.
Well, actually there's none masterpieces, but there are two films.
Yeah, I think it's one of the Charlie's Angels.
There you go.
Which one is it, Joe Cornish?
It's Charlie's Angels, Full Throttle.
The second one?
Yes, Full Throttle.
The even less good one than the first bad one.
Yeah.
Wow.
There you go.
Are you surprised, James, that McG uses so many sort of highfalutin references in his directing?
Erm, I am, to be honest, yes.
The thing about these references are, for instance, when he goes, er, this is influenced by Cape Fear, what's actually on screen is Justin Theroux massively tattooed the Cape Fear music going brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr.
And basically just a direct parody of Cape Fear.
Right.
It's not really an influence, is it?
It's just a theft.
That's, uh, a disgrace.
McG is, of course, a- he's a McGenius though, isn't he?
Can I play- James?
Mr. Woods?
Do you wanna listen?
Can I play you one more clip of McG?
Um, please do.
Because do you- do you think the Charlie's Angels films aren't very good?
I haven't managed to fit through one in its entirety.
So that's a yes.
You don't think they're very good, do you?
I don't think they're very good.
Do you think they're good?
No, I think they're actually... Okay, well listen to this.
Play this clip.
This is what McG has got to say to you.
Track number three on that CD.
Listen to McG.
This car wash scene was shot in the first day of principal photography.
It was just fun for everybody to get together and splash around in the suds and I wanted to set the tone properly and say, hey, this is a movie about having a good time and let's have a good time on the set and hopefully that'll permeate the celluloid.
You know, it's interesting that some people found that infuriating that, you know, hey, they're having such a good time making this picture, which I thought was strange and just goes into the fundamental take.
If you hate yourself, you will hate Charlie's Angels.
Oh no.
You hate yourself.
You know what?
I actually do hate myself.
James, do you hate yourself?
Uh, oh yeah.
Yes you do.
So do I. I loathe myself.
Yeah.
And it's our fault that Charlie's Angels... what?
He might be right.
McG might be right.
Do you think?
Yeah.
But that's like Chico's excuse.
What's Chico's excuse?
Chico's like, hey, why don't you like me?
Where's your inner child?
Why can't you be like a child, you fascist Nazi?
It's not that I can't be like a child, Chico.
I just think you're rubbish.
That's the same thing you want to say to Mook Gee, isn't it?
Yeah, that's true.
He's a sweet fellow with a little goatee and a big tummy.
He's rich, man.
He can deal with a bit of criticism.
And James, you still with us?
Such a pathetic thing to say.
Okay, well done.
What DVDs would you like?
Oh, uh, whatever you'd like to give me.
Oh, come on, man, you've got a- you've got- Have you got a region one player?
Uh, I have.
You do?
Well, man- Why don't you have Adam's stack of secondhand DVDs?
There's- there's six there.
You could even have some that don't have any packages.
Yeah.
He's bought just loose DVDs, all slightly scratched up.
No, Flight of the Phoenix, come on, that's- He's bought a pirate one as well.
There's a Korean knockoff of Swordfish.
It's very scratched up.
Do you want that one?
Is there any chance of, um, your DVD?
Yeah, we'll include that as well, you can have the other ones.
That's great, thanks.
No, we've got two, we've got two.
Oh, we've got two, there you go.
There's a bumper pack of DVDs coming your way, Mr Woods.
Great.
And hey, thanks for all your movies and for calling and we're excited about whatever film you're going to use that voice in.
Take care, best of luck, thanks for calling in, Mr Woods.
Bye.
See you later on XFM.
There you go.
I've got to stop saying there you go.
That's Primal Scream with Country Girl.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
We'll be back very, very shortly.
XFM.
This is XFM.
Love music.
Love XFM.
Thank you very much.
That's awesome.
And, um... No, tomorrow.
No, tomorrow.
Thanks very much, Joe Cornish.
That's all right.
They sound exactly like jellyfish.
Does anyone remember jellyfish?
Just to your jaded ears, to my young fresh ears, they sound new, new, new.
New, new, new.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, yeah, this is Adam and Joe on XFM, London's 104.9, our last show before our extended summer break.
We're gonna be away till the autumn the earliest.
I call it a sabbatical a sabbatical.
Yeah sure Now we've got a question for you listeners.
I've been flicking through broadcast the television industry magazine and It's got an article here saying that channel 4 are trying to develop a new breakfast show
Right, ever since The Big Breakfast, do you remember The Big Breakfast with Johnny and Denise?
Of course.
That was a big hit.
TV landmark.
They've struggled at Channel 4 to put on the right sort of programme in the morning.
What do you mean?
Rise?
Well, they have Rise.
That was the best breakfast show ever.
It was obviously a very good show made by Princess Productions who also make the Friday Night Project, another very good show.
And they've been asked to have a go again to make another brilliant show like they do.
And they've also, it says here, got an idea for a puppet fronted show
OK, so these are all Channel 4's ideas that it's trying out.
A puppet-fronted show with Danny Baker and Emma Kennedy voicing the show's hosts.
Right.
Now, Danny Baker's obviously a brilliant broadcaster.
Emma Kennedy's very good as well.
Would that work, do you think, Adam?
Depends who they get for the puppets, doesn't it?
I think the puppets are very important.
I don't know.
Puppets in small doses, I would have thought.
Why don't they get us to be the puppets?
cos we're people.
No, but we could, we could just, cos that would be a good gig.
Cos we'd never get up, we'd never get up.
That's true.
We could, we could do one of those pilots, but we'd never get up in the morning to do that.
No, no, I'm thinking... That's the main problem with breakfast TV.
We wouldn't have to do anything, though.
We'd be the actual puppets.
And we'd be asleep.
Yeah.
And we'd somehow, like, be manipulated with wires.
By Danny Baker, yeah.
By Danny Baker.
That's good, man.
I don't mind being manipulated by Danny Baker.
How about this?
Patrick Kielty is going to try an edgy comedy format.
I love edgy.
Anything edgy, yeah.
Anything edgy.
So, listeners, what we're asking you by text, 83XFM.
Can you come up with a better idea for Channel 4's early morning breakfast show?
I'm trying to think of one now what about something because you never really get massively high concept shows on tv anymore the way you used to on channel four was uh roland rivron's river based chat show yeah was that base was that channel four i don't remember i think it was yeah it was it was for people who don't remember there was a show uh hosted by roland rivron and it was set in the tems
and he was floating in the Thames at night with bits of furniture floating around him.
You see to me that's a segment rather than a full show.
Well yeah I mean that was proved to be the case but still you had to admire you had to admire the uh hutzpah.
It's all about the location, isn't it?
It's about big choices.
You've either got to have an idea for a funny presenter, so the puppets is quite a good one, or you've got to have a place, like Rise was set in our shopping centre.
No, it was never.
Yeah, it was.
Was it?
Yeah, it came from some shopping centre somewhere.
It did, and it came from an office, didn't it?
It came from a shopping centre, mate.
Oh, really?
Yeah, it did.
So that's a brilliant idea, isn't it, from Princess?
Are you sure about that?
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah.
So text us 83XFM.
If you can crack Channel 4's breakfast show quandary problem, we're going to have a go during the next record.
Come up with some pictures.
Yeah.
Yeah, and we'll give a prize to the best idea.
Yes, we're coming up to the end of the first hour here on XFM.
Time for another free play now.
This is from the new Very Best of Japan compilation.
Were you ever a Japan fan, Joe?
I like Japan.
I like Japan very much.
And this was a great single that they did.
A cover of the Velvet Underground's... No, it's not the Velvet Underground.
What am I thinking?
They did a cover of All Tomorrow's Parties by the Velvet Underground.
This is a cover of Smokey Robinson's I Second That Emotion.
Japan.
And I second that emotion.
This is Adam and Joe here on a Saturday afternoon on XFM.
I only got one more hour to go before our extended break.
Listen, we've been asking you to send in ideas to solve Channel 4's problem with breakfast shows.
They've commissioned about four different pilots to try and crack their problem of making a good breakfast show.
They haven't managed to do it since.
Lots of ideas coming in.
Yeah, we got some ideas coming in.
OK, well, we should play some ads and then we'll hear them at the beginning of the next exciting hour.
OK, sorry.
Here we go.
XFM.
This is XFM.
XFM.
Love music.
Love XFM.
That's the first single from the Red Hot Chili Peppers ninth album, Stadium Arcadium, and it's called Danny California, spelt D-A-N-I.
That's Danny, I would say.
Would you pronounce it Danny?
I think we're meant to pronounce it Danny, but that's just bad spelling.
Yeah.
Need a double N in there to stop it going all... A bad influence.
They're a bad influence.
They should be stopped.
I think so.
Sam and Joe on XFM, London's music station, trying to stop various bands.
From spelling badly.
From spelling badly, yeah.
Hey, you know what, just as a little aside, you know, we were talking about editors and the fact that they're not called The Editors.
There's another band called Infidels, and not The Infidels, and their album is called We Are Not The Infidels.
No.
Yeah, because they're obviously just so angry about it.
That's all bands care about.
Yeah.
Is the word the.
That's all it's about.
Are you a the or a non-the?
There should be some kind of, uh, massive indie gang war.
Yeah.
Between bands with a the and bands without a the.
Between, and it would be, uh, it would be arbitrated by Matt Johnson from the the.
It would, like when I was at school, I've told you this story before my whole school was divided over, are you glue or adhesive?
Do you remember that?
Yeah.
Factions, violent.
What were you?
man, I don't remember.
And where did Blu Tack come into the whole thing?
Blu Tack wasn't even- Wasn't part of it, no.
Were they just like a little- It was glue or adhesive.
Break-off faction?
How do you- yeah.
Anyway.
Okay.
Um, so we've been asking you to text us in your ideas to break the deadlock for Channel 4's breakfast show.
Uh, they've been struggling to come up with a successful new format since The Big Breakfast.
Rise was successful in some ways, you know, but they had to pull it off.
because why did they pull it off because no one watched it yeah yeah it was it was that was the one way that it wasn't successful yeah okay so I'm gonna go through that I haven't vetted these texts at all I'm just gonna dive right in Oh see what comes up dangerous radio a show called violent morning hosted by Jimmy Carr JLC and other great British multitaskers where members of the public oh I shouldn't have started reading this one
Now that's just a bad idea.
To make this work, Adam, you're all going to have to talk in the silences while I look for a new one.
Well, listen, I had a couple of ideas.
Was that one just stuffed with unpleasant vitriol?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, no, it just was a bit boring.
Come on, ladies and gentlemen.
There are some good ones.
So what's your idea, Adam?
Well, this was one we were talking about in the break, which I think is a good idea.
I think the...
not to encourage pornography, but some softcore porn in the mornings would really pull the viewers in, and I think it would be a nice way for some people to start the day.
You know, just maybe just titillation, carry-on style titillation rather than pornography.
Obviously I don't think that's a nice idea, having porn first thing in the morning.
Yes you do.
Yeah, obviously it's nice.
But you could call it morning glory, and it would be a fun way to start the day.
Very much the same idea as The Sun.
Isn't there already a show called that?
Is there?
There must be.
There must be a radio show called that somewhere.
Well, someone's had the same idea.
Someone's text- just texted in one word, colon, boobs.
Boobs.
There you go.
They think boobs are the key to the morning.
It's worked for the sun.
It has.
And, uh, is the sun the- it's the mirror as well, and of course the- no, the mirror doesn't have boobs, does it?
You see, this ties in with my idea, which is to- the main problem with breakfast TV is you can't get anyone to get up in the morning, and then it slowly drives them insane.
Yeah.
Getting up regularly that early in the morning.
So do it in a foreign country where it's the evening or daytime when it's our morning.
Good idea.
Perfect excuse to have people in swimsuits.
Exactly and you could have celebrity gossip.
What's gossip?
It's like gossip except more exciting from it's from foreign.
Is it?
Yeah.
It's foreign gossip.
It's from foreign gossip.
Wow.
So America.
If you shot it in Spain.
You could have it in America.
Well, no, it's too far to go for the Brit stars.
8 hours back to L.A.
Just do it in Lanzarote.
Lanzarote.
Because then people can just fly across on the cheap flights.
Lanzarote's only 2 hours back or something.
That's no good.
Yeah, but still.
You're right, you're right, you're right.
You're right, you're right.
I haven't put it through.
We need more time to think this through.
I had one that someone else had, which is to do it from a different greasy spoon every morning.
That is a good idea.
Too expensive to move the location and relight.
It would become exhausting.
That's true.
It's a good idea though.
That's true.
Happy greasy spoon.
How about this?
The Breakfast Club.
And you said it in a- Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh.
You said it in a- Oooh.
What?
In a high school?
In a high school, in the detention, you know.
And you have different types?
You have the different types, the jock, the nerd, the dweeb.
I tell you what, Alex Zane could be the girl that makes all the dandruff come out of her hair and makes it snow, Ally Sheedy.
Ally Sheedy, I fancy that.
Alex Zane could be the Ally Sheedy role, don't you think?
I like the dandruff girl.
Justin Lee Collins, who could he be?
He could be Bender.
Wasn't he called Bender?
Bender?
You mean Judd Nelson?
Judd Nelson, yeah.
Yeah.
The sort of a bullion- Bender.
Dope fiend.
Yeah.
This is good.
That's good, man.
But you know what?
I need some more time to look through the listeners' ones.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, let's play- Yeah, and then we'll try and get a winner and stuff.
Let's play more music.
That is, after all, why people- What the station's all about.
Why don't you stop droning on, Adam?
Yeah.
Stop just droning.
Play some music.
Okay.
Editors.
That's all I've got to say on the subject, the meta.
The-
No, editors.
No, the editors.
No, editors.
The editors.
That's, uh, editors with all sparks.
Adam and Joe here on XFM on a Saturday afternoon.
We'll come back to our text competition a little later.
We've got all sorts of amazing suggestions coming in for exciting new channel for breakfast shows.
All sorts of amazing shows.
Say, I'm Bruiser De Cadenet, I told you.
I was, no, it's just a nice way to put it.
All sorts.
Um, so listen, Joe, I thought I'd give you some exciting, uh, information about my, my week as a jobbing actor.
Good one.
I wasn't going to talk about my appearance in a major British feature film.
Right.
Maybe I might.
But you are.
No, I'm going to talk about that later on.
I wanted to talk about an audition that I had this last couple of weeks.
I got a call from my agent.
She said, are you up for going to do an audition at the BBC where you'll have to do a little bit of improvising?
Hey.
So I thought, yeah, I love a bit of improv.
You know, I'm the improv king.
and I imagined what the deal would be was going in there two or three people maybe in a little room you're given a scene and you you kind of go crazy all over its arse and I was led into the BBC and into a big room and there were in this very large room I would say about 30 or 40
fairly well known comedians from the current live stand-up circuit.
Any names we'd know?
Well, let me see.
Maybe I probably shouldn't say exact names.
Okay.
No, it's a secret.
Okay.
But I can tell you that there were people in there who've been on shows like Little Britain, Titty Bang Bang, a lot of BBC Three shows.
Those are some of the greatest shows on television.
The office that oh, you know a lot of pretty well-known faces there and certainly very well-known stand-ups from the current stand-up scene So I was and they were all half of them were sat around the side The other half of them was stood in a semicircle in the middle of the room improvising Like whose lines anyway style games, you know Yeah And it turned out that this was a show being put together by the producer of whose lines anyway Dan Patterson a new kind of improv show
And I didn't realize that was the deal at all.
So I just went in there and I thought, oh my God, this is my worst nightmare.
Because I, like many other people, used to watch Have I Got News For You and think, I mean, whose lines anyway?
And just sort of imagine what I would say if I was in that situation.
Would I be able to come out with anything funnier than Tony Slattery?
And usually the answer was no, you know, maybe, you know, Tony Slattery may not be saying anything that funny, but it's probably better than I could manage.
if I was on the spot so let's see Joe Cornish how you do oh wow with some of the things that were thrown at me okay basically I wanted to just turn around and get out of this room immediately so were you standing in front of all these other comedians when you're asked to do this yeah yeah you were being watched by
like 38 other top standouts.
So the first thing was, for example, they had an object.
Do you remember that they would give them an object and they'd have to sort of say crazy things about the object and recontextualise it amusingly.
And they had a toy truncheon was one of them.
Brilliant.
And so what you'd have to do is when you had an idea for something funny to say about the toy truncheon, you went into the middle of the semicircle and you tapped the person with the truncheon on the shoulder and said freeze.
And then you would say something funny.
So you didn't have to go up, but if you didn't go up, you're not going to be in the show.
No, exactly.
Exactly.
You've got to make an effort.
And some people were going mental with this thing.
They were really trying hard and they had loads of things to say, some funny, some not.
For example, there was, with the plastic truncheon, people were coming out with stuff like, uh, sir, this is salami, you are really spoiling us.
that's good right someone said stop over here sir empty your pockets please you know like a handheld security detector yeah someone said I've been over feeding my slug so anyway then it was my turn gonna be a good show isn't it yeah
Yeah.
Well, they will get some good people.
There were some really talented people there, and I'm sure they will get some excellent people.
When it was my turn to do something, I was sat down in a row, because I was a latecomer, I was sat down in a row with the other four latecomers, and people were just told to fire questions at us.
Er, and we had to just come up with answers on the spot, amusing answers to these questions.
So here you go, Joe Cornish.
Yeah.
See how you do with these.
OK.
State a fact about yourself that would surprise the audience.
I've got three bums.
Not bad.
You see?
I think probably about as good... Anthony's laughing.
Anthony loves that.
Look at that.
She just loves bums.
Er, I came out with... Check this out for rubbishness.
Yeah.
Right?
I came out with...
I'm sleeping with David Cameron.
Oh, come on, that's political.
That's rubbish!
What, did anyone laugh at that?
No, no, not really.
Was there a polite laughter?
Yeah, people were supportive.
Everyone was laughing at everyone else's gags because no one wanted to be.
Give me another one, give me another one.
What book are you reading at the moment?
Oh, this is tricky.
You can't just be honest.
This is something funny.
So I was going to say,
yeah so so what are you gonna say the Argos catalog quite quite good I was gonna say okay I'm gonna say the da Vinci Code and then I'm gonna be like pretend to be a ponce about it you know like as a joke but then the next person the person sat next to me said it you could have made a dick and domino Vinci Code joke
You could have said, oh, I'm reading the kid's version of Da Vinci Code.
Dick and Dom in Da Vinci Code.
That would have gone down well, wouldn't it?
Trust me, that would have gone down amazing.
I'm sure, but obviously I didn't think of that because I'm a jerk.
OK, how about this?
Who's responsible for bird flu?
Um, who's responsible for bird flu?
I need some thinking time.
No, you can't have any.
You're on the spot.
Mrs. Thatcher.
What does that mean?
It's like your David Cameron one, but more dated.
I'm glad to see that you would do as well as I did.
OK, here's another one.
World's worst person to share a flat with.
This was one of the ones where you have to stand forward and say, you know, impersonate the world's worst person to share a flat with.
Here's what I did.
I stepped forward and I said, I won't need to use the toilet.
I generally pee in bottles.
What's that all about?
What is that all about?
I mean, Christ, why did I think that was even worth stepping forward for?
The only reason I did it was because I hadn't said anything for the last 17 minutes or something.
I thought, this is embarrassing.
That sounds embarrassing.
Oh, it was hideous.
And here's one more.
One last one.
First scenes of first drafts for famous movies.
Go, Joe Cornish.
okay uh titanic uh oh i don't know you see i don't know et um i don't know i don't know i don't know i can't think it's horrible isn't it i stepped forward and i said oh hey guys you had a bit of thinking time though right uh yeah like as they were going around the circle
What did you say?
I said, oh, hey, guys, I just woke up from hypersleep and I found this really cuddly alien.
Can we keep it?
Oh, that's the first scene from aliens?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's good, man.
First draft of aliens.
I just said the name to films.
Yeah, you did.
That's not good enough, is it?
No, you wouldn't get through to... To prove I know some films, we'd better play some music.
Yeah.
Anyway, it was exhausting and I'll never do it again.
Here's a free play.
This is by the Minutemen.
This is Corona.
you
Now, what's that music from, Adam, on the telly?
Well, that's obviously used as the theme from Jackass.
There we go.
Um, but I thought I'd play it there in its entirety.
We should play some adverts and come back and wrap up our text competition.
Yeah, we're gonna solve Channel 4's breakfast show problems.
Not.
XFM.
Love music.
Love XFM.
This is XFM.
That's the green day with holiday.
That's the kind of music I think that space soldiers would sing when they were going into battle.
Do you think, I think it'll end up as the theme tune to the program holiday in a couple of years when today's kids grow up a little.
It'll stop becoming the sound of edgy anti-Americanism and become the sound of, I don't know, Reggie from Big Truck of Stuff.
And luxury holidays.
Yeah.
Did you see Reggie on Big Truck of Stuff this morning?
What's Big Truck of Stuff?
Oh, Adam, we haven't got time.
We've only got 26 minutes left on the air, ever.
I know, it's a shame.
We can't start talking about a big truck of stuff.
So listen, then... Someone else will have to do that.
Speaking of our future on the airwaves... Yeah.
Um, there are already a few snippets from these XFM shows on my blog, adam-buxton... It's a great little site, your site.
.co.uk.
It's got good stuff on it.
It's got lots of nuggets there.
You know, I've made something for it.
Have you?
I've made a little... Well, no, I just cut a little film thing.
Really?
Yeah!
That's fantastic!
You remember our Gaysian Invasion song we did in Tokyo?
Yeah!
I've done a little sort of pop video for it.
Brilliant!
So I was going to send it to- Wasn't that sweet?
Sorry, this is personal chat.
Sorry.
Anyway, yeah, get back to the vlog.
So Adam-Buckston.co.uk is the blog where you can find some XFM nuggets as well as other sort of
Adam and joe knickknacks and stuff about my life clips from the show basically yeah from this show and you're going to be putting up more over the summer going to be going to be putting up lots more and i believe that xfm are going to also organize those a lot of those same clips into podcasts so you'll have all sorts of downloading opportunities if uh if you miss us at all
And I was thinking that if we got any time, Joe, we should- we should just try and get together like and do a few podcasts.
I can't possibly do that.
That's never gonna happen, is it?
It might do.
But we might try.
But listen, we should wrap this text competition up.
Yes, exactly.
Trying to save Channel 4's breakfast show.
They're trying to come up with a new idea for a breakfast show.
They're commissioning pilots left, right and centre with puppets and edginess.
These are the XFM listeners' ideas.
You know, if you ever wonder why they leave television up to professionals.
Hit me.
This is probably the answer.
OK.
Here's a dark one.
You could have celebrity hangings and Patrick Kilty could be first up.
Oh, that's not nice.
That's not very nice, is it?
To the cheeky Irishman.
That sort of thing makes some people happy though.
That really?
Yeah.
How about setting the show in a shared flat?
Presenters getting up, making breakfast, guest stars sleeping over, fights for the bathroom.
That's quite good, because already they put Big Brother on, and that's just people sleeping, and that gets, you know, good ratings in the morning, just people brushing their teeth saying nothing.
That is a good idea.
So why not have them present the breakfast show?
Just have them present.
That is a good idea.
You know, I think television generally is working towards one show that's just the same.
Like Italian television's become a big celebrity show, but it's a show that's reality television.
Occasionally it has little VT packages about maybe the design of the chair they're sitting on.
Uh, it might have, uh, if they read a book, it becomes a little dramatisation of that book.
Do you know what I mean?
I think all television programme formats could fit in to a kind of Big Brother ambient sort of Uber show, but that's, that's for another conversation.
How about Vanessa Felt's Being Egged from Robin Blackheath?
Vanessa Feltz is just one of those people that, uh... People would tune into that, though.
If it was relentless, literally, if you commissioned six months of just Vanessa Feltz in a locked-off shop being egged.
I don't really have strong opinions about Feltz because... It doesn't matter who it is, really, it's just the... Someone being egged.
Yeah.
Yeah, OK, I'm up for that.
As someone else has suggested... I'm getting all the nasty ones out of the way first, but someone else has suggested putting Ian Lee on a mountain and watching him freeze to death.
I like Ian Lee.
I like Ian Lee as well.
I didn't suggest that.
His LBC show's very funny.
It is very good.
He's very good when he's not allowed to swear.
That's true.
When he's got limits.
How about this?
Chantelle presents News, Chat and Celebs on an oil rig.
Okay, Chantelle, News, Chat and Celebs, an oil rig.
Then she takes part, I can't say what she takes part in, but let's say she has a party with all the oil rig workers at the end of each show.
She parties, in the American sense of the word, with the oil rig workers.
That's from Jamie in Manchester.
Well done, Jamie.
I think that's a goer.
That is a good idea.
As long as Chantelle is a goer, that is a goer.
Now, a couple of people have come up with breakfast at Tiffany's.
One of them with Martine McCutcheon hosting from her house.
Yeah.
Tiffany in EastEnders, yeah.
Nice.
And another one presented by the 80s pop star, Tiffany, from a jewellery shop.
e.g.
Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
That's from Rich in New Cross.
That's very good, Rich.
Remember you've got to pick the winner.
I think Rich is looking good.
Rich is looking good.
How about a show like Rise, except you can vote off the host in Big Brother style?
Says Joff.
Someone called Joff.
J-O-F-F.
Joff.
I imagine that's in the works, surely.
I know.
Didn't they do that on Channel 4?
They had a show where you voted off all the- ages ago, like in the 80s.
Right.
But it just meant the presenters were very insecure and desperate.
Watch this space.
Wasn't it called Watch This Space?
Yeah, something like that.
OK.
That's a good, that's a good one.
I mean, Joff, that's just a good idea.
I'm sure someone is making it.
If you were in a position of power, that would get commissioned.
Yeah.
How about this one?
Hosted by Shane McGowan, it's called What Effing Time Is It Anyway?
That's a very good idea.
He's just surly and hung over and just swears.
I think that would be very good.
who's that that's from James James and the other good one was where's that where's the giant clock someone sent him one suggesting it's just a close-up of an enormous clock and you text it then what the night before to tell it what type no you text it to tell it what time you got to leave the house and it's all it's almost like that thing on see on you know kiddies tell you where they read out the cards from little toddlers you know but at every every point on the clock it it shouts at you to leave for work
Jeff in Tottenham, get out!
That sort of thing.
So it's very functional.
That would get more ratings than rise, surely.
That's a good idea.
Well, listen.
Who's the winner?
I'm gonna pick a winner.
I like James.
Can we give James something?
Who was what with James's one?
The Shane McGowan one?
James, yeah.
Yeah, we can give James something.
And the oil rig, I like.
And the oil rig.
The party on the oil rig.
Who was that?
That's good.
I'm not Rich in New Cross.
Come on.
James and Rich, thank you very much.
Thank you to everyone for their suggestions.
And hey, if you've emailed us over the last few weeks, uh, the email's been down, so we haven't read any of them.
Yeah.
And we can only apologise.
Well, we're really rambling.
These are very long links, this show.
I do apologise.
Sorry, it's the last show.
No one likes a long link.
But, you know, now we've got to, uh, we've got to do... We've got to pitch, um... Dizzy's in the Dot, it's called, yeah.
Dizzy's in the Dot.
So it's going to make this link even longer.
Here we go.
It's the last ever Ditties in the Dock before our summer break.
This is the part of the show where you get to decide which song plays the show out.
And this week the theme is goodbyes.
Yeah.
Farewells.
So let's make this a quick goodbye.
I want people to vote for... I haven't figured it out.
I had two.
I had a choice of two.
Do you want me to go first?
Yeah, you go first.
I want you to vote for Harry Belafonte with Jamaica Farewell.
This is a song from the very late 50s, early 60s.
It's almost like one of those Disney cartoon songs.
He's got such a soothing, relaxing voice, Harry Belafonte, and it really will make you feel so very relaxed to hear it.
You know the song.
It goes, I'm sad to see I'm on my way.
And my voice is very good today.
But you know the one.
Yeah.
It's beautiful.
It's a beautiful, beautiful song.
And it would just be such a great way to go out.
So call 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9.
Vote for Harry Belafonte or.
Well, I was going to go for Every Time We Say Goodbye by Ella Fitzgerald, which I really genuinely love that song.
But then I thought, well, maybe it's overplayed.
And now that you're going for Belafonte, I think it's a bit too similar.
So I'm going for a track from Scott Walker's album, Scott Four.
which is kind of an all-time classic album and this is the last track on that album it's called Rhymes of Goodbye.
Now I'm not even going to attempt to sing it because I can't get anywhere close to the uh mellifluous loveliness of Scott's voice but suffice to say if you like things kind of uh grand and
emotional and wonderful.
I suppose it's people like The Divine Comedy are influenced by Scott Walker and everyone's... Jarvis Cocker, obviously, influenced by Scott Walker.
It's just a lovely song for an amazing album.
You're rambling.
I'm rambling.
Scott Walker, go for Walker.
So call 0-8-7-1-222-1049 and vote for either Belafonte or Walker.
Everybody who gets on the air wins a disgusting Asian horror DVD and maybe some Everybody Loves Raymond.
0-8-7-1-222-1049.
Call now.
This is XFM XFM
There we are.
That's Jack Johnson with chopsticks or going to the zoo or whatever it is.
Whatever it is, he plays it with the knuckles of his right hand.
I like that.
It's nice.
It's easy going.
Hey, and thanks for everybody who's texting in text to say they'll miss us.
It's very sweet and quite moving.
That is moving.
Yeah, should we do this in the doc then?
Why not?
So for our final Ditties in the Dock before our summer break, it's Scott Walker versus Harry Belafonte.
Two classic voices singing sad farewell songs to see our show off.
We've got five callers on the line, all of whom can pick from an amazing array of prizes that we've neglected to give out on account of talking about ourselves at some length.
That's true.
Most of the program.
So should we go to Brian first?
Hello Brian.
Hello.
You sound very chirpy.
I know, I don't know why.
I don't know what I'm going to do when I've got a hangover now and a Saturday when you're not here.
Oh, that's very kind of you, Brian.
Are you a regular listener, are you?
I am a Saturday hangover.
I play Tetris and listen to Adam and Joe.
Wow, what a perfect afternoon.
What more could you want?
Tetris would make your hangover worse, though, wouldn't it?
Try Hexic.
I have tried Hexic.
Have you?
Do it for me.
No, I don't understand it.
My girlfriend plays it.
I don't know what she's doing.
Triathlon.
What?
Uh, Brian, listen, let's ignore that.
Who are you voting for?
Is it gonna be Walker or Belafonte?
I love Walker, but Harry Belafonte reminds me of when I was a kid.
Yeah, doesn't it just?
Listening to him sing is like being sung to by your dad.
Even though my dad wasn't a Jamaican political activist, actor, and the most famous African American in history.
But nevertheless, it just makes you feel like a comforted little baby.
He's not more famous than Ludacris.
That's true, no one's more famous than Luda.
So Brian, thank you very much.
Would you like a couple of Asian horror films?
Tell me something in abnormal beauty, they're very good.
Indeed, yeah, I'll have them.
Yeah, you're over 18, aren't you?
Of course.
Because if you're not, they'll ruin your brain.
What about Everybody Loves Raymond?
Why would I want that?
What else have we got?
Samurai 7, we're just giving away all the old stuff we've accumulated.
Just bung loads of stuff in a bag, I'll be happy with it.
Well, now come on, that's just been a bit greedy.
What about the production of Trainspotting, a box at the Hackney Empire on Saturday the 15th of April?
That's an amazing prize.
That is a really good prize.
Do you want that?
I don't live in London.
OK, we'll give that to someone else.
Brian, thanks so much.
You're going to get some disturbing Asian horror courtesy of Tartan Asia Extreme label.
Thanks for calling.
Take care, Brian.
Lots of love.
Bye.
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul,
It's endearing as well.
Oh, good.
Well, that's an interesting combination.
It's a bit like the seagulls in Finding Nemo.
Yes.
Exactly.
Yeah.
And so, what are you voting for?
Is it going to be Belafonte or Walker?
Well, see, I love Scott Walker and he reminds me of my childhood.
Really?
My childhood as the last caller.
So you are not old, but you're going for Walker.
OK, Paul, thanks very much for your call.
Asian horror?
Yes.
What am I going to do for every Saturday driving up to Harrow without Adam and Joe?
What are we going to do without you to listen to our silly rubbish?
I'll tell you what you can do, man.
Just get on the website, make a CD out of some of our ludicrous crap and play that in the car.
Yeah.
Excellent.
Excellent idea.
There you go.
So we're going to send you some Asian horror.
Thanks very much for calling, Paul.
Can I have some Raymond for my girlfriend?
Of course you can.
Of course.
Somebody loves Raymond.
Don't ask, you don't get.
Take care, Paul.
One last thing.
As you've got no more Adam and Joe, Joe, can you sign one of the CDs so I can put my Adam and Joe disc and cover in it?
Yes, of course.
Absolutely.
It would be a pleasure.
I thought he was going to swear there for a second.
As you're not on the air anymore,
Why don't you f off or something like that?
But no, Paul's not that kind of guy.
Paul would not say that, not Paul, not Paul.
Cheers Paul!
Thanks Paul!
There we go, so it's one all Belafonte and Walker, this is exciting!
Very exciting.
We should rattle through otherwise we're going to have a chance to think.
Yeah, Gavin, have a Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.
Hello.
Gavin, we're going to have to be fast, what is it, Belafonte or Walker?
Scott Walker!
Oh that's too much Belafonte.
Where are you in the car Gavin?
All right, mate.
Asian horror, do you want some?
You've got it.
He's got them.
Well done.
In a box, you've got a private box and you've got a bottle of champagne.
How about that?
That's going to be amazing.
Well done calling.
Thanks, Gavin.
So that's two one.
Uh, K, does that say K?
Yeah.
Hello, K. Hi, how you doing, K?
I'm a K-you.
Good, thank you.
In a bit of a rush.
It's a shame that it's a rush as it's now the last six minutes of our show.
What are you voting for, Belafonte or Walker?
Belafonte, please.
Wow, this is edge of the sea stuff.
I just noticed that the tracks, the Belafonte and the Walker tracks, are exactly the same length.
This is uncanny.
This is extraordinary.
Three minutes and five seconds.
Ah, time's ticking away.
K, thanks so much.
Thank you very much, K. We're going to send you Asian horror, whether you like it or not.
Do you want everybody...
Well, you're gonna get that as well, cos we've got another copy.
You got it.
You don't, yeah, that was kind of a bit of a churlish, OK.
No, she was all right about it.
Have we got any more tickets for Tradespotting?
I'm afraid not, K, I'm really sorry about that.
We've got a pair of tickets to see the concretes at the University of London.
other than anything, yeah.
Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs Ricky Laughs
The tension is palpable it is palpable.
Thank you for saying palpable I want you to I'm gonna say I'm gonna say go and then I want you to say Adam and Joe I want you to play and then leave a 10-second pause that long Make it really long pause and then say either Scott Walker or Harry Belafonte.
Are you ready Sam?
I am ready go Adam and Joe on your last ever show I will vote for a
He's died.
Scott Walker.
Scott Walker takes it.
Thank you very much indeed, Sam.
Thanks for your call.
But that's going to leave me bitter.
I know, that is harsh.
Can I just say that I'll miss your chattings and musings every Saturday.
Thank you very much, Sam.
We really appreciate that.
It's nice to be appreciated.
By you.
By you, no.
Especially as we often don't really deserve it that much.
But thanks a lot, Sam.
Thank you very much indeed to everyone who called in and texted us as well.
You know, I don't want to go out angry, but you made the wrong choice, and you're a bunch of idiots, and Adam, you're an idiot!
I hate Scott Walker!
Why can't you play Belafonte?
You don't hate Scott Walker.
You're a sod.
Okay, we've got Claire Sturges coming up for you, ladies and gentlemen, very shortly.
This is Anthony.
What's the matter with Anthony?
She's laughing at your outburst.
OK, I don't mean it.
I'm going to love this Scott Walker song.
It's not as good as Bella Fanta.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'll miss you over the summer.
Have a great one.
Do stay in touch via the blog.
Stay indoors, for God's sake stay indoors.
For God's sake stay indoors.
This summer.
Take care of yourselves.
Don't take any risks.
You know, come and say hi if you see us wandering around.
Only if you're nice though.
Yeah, and thanks for listening for the last six months or whatever.
We'll see you when we see you.
Bye.
I've come far from chains, from metal and stone From makeshift designs and seeking the stars
To grab for the truth To keep myself warm I turn and it's gone You smile and it's born The rhymes of a woman's A river that never ends
The tension surrounds us with firing friends And roaring through darkness the night children fly I still hear them singing the rhymes of goodbye There's nothing within
But within this there's a voice That's still my empire And I've got a choice It's heedless of death It's still got a fire And I'll keep it burning With hands of desire
The bells of our senses can cost us our pride Can toll out the boundaries that level our lives Can slash like the sunlight through shadows and cracks
Our nakedness calling Our nakedness back
Our passions find beauty in loving love The rhyme of all madness burns cities in cushioned shoves And roaring through darkness the night children fly I still hear them singing the rhymes of goodbye