Whoa, yeah, that's Country Girl by Primal Scream.
Hey, this is Adam Buxton.
Hey, this is Joe Cornish.
Welcome to our brand new slot here on Saturday mornings on XFM, 10 till 1 every Saturday.
It's a little confusing and scary for me and Adam, right?
I'm personally not usually up at this time of day.
No, no, it's certainly very early to be up.
And London's a different place.
London's a different place.
The only people on the streets are smack fans.
smack fans, and uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
You know, she's... Where's her self-respect?
Exactly.
She's a grown-up woman, not a kind of... She might as well have fluids leaking out from under the sleeping bag, like what they do in doorways.
I haven't checked, but she may as well... She probably does.
And, you know, Marsha, who was just on before us doing a fantastic show, she slept in the... In the what?
In the office!
In the office?!
As well!
I mean, that's devotion, isn't it?
And next door to our studio, there's a little place where bands do their live performances.
There's a band in there!
Who are they?
The monkey knockers.
I don't know who they are, but there's one bloke just shaking a shaker.
Yeah.
I wonder what percentage he gets.
It could be Primal Scream.
It could be Primal Scream for all we know.
But listen, we've got some great music coming up for you.
White Stripes in a second, Flaming Lips, Friends, Ferdinand, Arctic Monkeys, Lemon Heads, Razor Light.
That's all just in the first hour.
But almost even more exciting is now that we're on from 10 to 1, we have news.
Right, we came in here, some lady came in and she read the news and she's threatening to do it again at eleven.
And at twelve.
And at twelve?
I believe so.
So two news.
Two news, double news.
And then after twelve, on a weekend.
No one cares about news.
No, all we care about is shopping.
And having a nice time.
Listen though, when she reads the news, you know what we can do?
What?
Some banter.
News banter.
We can banter with her like they do on the proper radio stations.
Hey, hand over banter.
Like Alistair Stewart and Megan Phillips.
That's not her name, that's just a placebo name.
Tina placebo.
Tina placenta.
That's a good idea.
That's a really good idea.
So it's an exciting show and if you need any more reason to listen, which you probably do, we've got amazing prizes.
We've got the Book of Cool to give away.
Yeah, we'll explain more about that but it's basically a massive DVD box set.
We've got four copies.
We've got a box.
Not a cardboard one.
Yeah.
Like a plaster and wood one in a theatre at the Hackney Empire to see the James Taylor Quartet and Julia Beale in an evening of funk, soul and fusion.
Plus a free case of beer.
That's brilliant to give away.
We've got tickets for an outdoor screening of Kill Bill featuring DJ Yoda.
It just doesn't stop.
We've got Crap Commentary Corner coming up.
all sorts of stuff.
And of course, we've got the X list.
That's a new thing that we've never done before.
So we may be stumbling a little bit.
Yeah, it's going to be quite a shoddy X list.
But remember, you can text us.
How do they text us?
Oh, yeah, 83XFM.
You can call us when the time comes.
08712221049.
You can email us, Adam and Joe.
What is it?
XFM.co.uk, something like that.
That's that's more or less the shape of it.
Let's play some music right now.
Here's the white stripes with a denial.
No, it's not a denial twist.
Or is it?
Yes, it is the denial twist.
Good.
I'm on top of everything.
It's fine.
Don't worry about it.
Fantastic.
That's the white stripes with the denial twist.
This is Adam and Joe.
Very pleased to be back here on XFM in our brand new slot.
Yeah.
Um, listen, listeners, I had some Cadbury's fruit and nut.
No, whole nut.
Yeah.
And there's a Cadbury's salmonella scandal.
Have you heard about that?
No.
They had all salmonella up all their pipes.
What are you talking about?
In their factory.
It was in the papers.
When was this?
They've poisoned all the chocolate.
Oh, salmonella and air pipes!
Cadbury's, Britain's most trusted choccy brand, are poisoning the nation.
Not deliberately.
Not deliberately, no.
I'm being slightly inflammatory and legally orientated, listeners.
But now I've got a dickie tummy.
Have you really?
And could the two be linked?
Were you chomping on Cadbury's this morning?
Well, the night before... No, this was a week or so ago, wasn't it?
A couple of weeks ago, even.
The night before the news broke, somebody bought me two massive bars of whole nut.
and they've been sitting in the cupboard and I chomped half of one of them.
and started feeling a bit dicky, but I can't say no.
I can't resist it.
Even if it's riddled with salmonella.
Can you?
I don't know whether anybody out there has eaten any... Are people, like, stopping eating Cadburys because of the poisons?
No, because no one would have actually been poisoned.
Presumably they would have found... The people have... Yeah, they have.
Really?
Yeah.
Salmonella gets the very young and the very old, right, I think.
Everybody now say hi.
From the very, very young, from the very, very old.
That's the salmonella song.
But if you're sort of healthy and in the midst of your life like me, I think it probably just gives you a dicky tummy.
You can conquer it easily.
It's not like a life-threatening problem, Salmonella, for someone like you.
I don't really know the details.
In the peak of physical perfection.
I need help, listeners.
Has anybody else felt poisoned by Cadbury's?
Or is everyone just still eating it willy-nilly?
Yeah.
You reckon?
It's so delicious.
It's well-tasty, well-tasty.
And I reckon the salmonella might give it an extra piquante.
Yeah, exactly.
That's right.
Like, isn't that... The Romans used to do something similar, didn't they?
What, eat salmonella?
No, they'd give themselves, like, a little bit of arsenic or something, you know, just instead of pepper.
Would they?
Yeah, because it spices up a dish.
A little bit of poison.
A tiny bit of poison.
What's that?
There's a stupid fact about apple pips having enough cyanide in them to kill a man.
That's right.
Do you remember that fact?
Well, that was just your parents telling you not to swallow the apple pips.
I always swallow the pips.
Because, well, the threat that I got was that you'd get an apple tree growing in your stomach.
and branches coming out places from your winkle and under your armpits and you know nobody wants that wow so think yourself lucky that you've got off with salmonella yeah okay competition time coming up very shortly here's a free play for you right now this is guided by voices that's guided by voices with teenage fbi this is adam and joe on xfm it's competition time
Is it on?
Yeah.
So, listen, if you're new to this show, which you may be because we're in a new slot... Oh, that was quite a kind of abrupt, wasn't it?
It's a bit abrupt, the end of that.
I'd like it to fade out.
Yeah, well, you're in charge of the fading.
Well, it just cuts off on the Cornish recording of that one.
Well, I assumed you would have faded it out.
Right then, but listen, this competition right, it's called Crap Commentary Corner, what we do is take an audio commentary from a DVD, play you some clips of it, and you have to call in 08712221049, tell us who is talking on the commentary, and what movie they're talking over.
So this is quite an easy one this week.
We should tell people what they can win.
What can they... Well, you can have your pick of the prizes.
Yeah?
Yeah, let's be free and easy with the prizes this week.
Exactly, and there's all sorts of exciting prizes.
You know, the box might be a nice prize, though.
That sounds like a good prize.
The box for James Taylor and stuff like that.
Yeah, but I think we should let people pick.
We can let people pick.
It's more exciting.
We'll let people pick.
So here we go.
I'm not going to give you any clues about this one.
Except to say it's a director.
And he's quite famous.
But he's not famous because he's good.
OK, the number's 0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Do you think anybody enters competitions at this time in the morning?
Oh, certainly, yeah.
Yeah, because they're limbering up for an exciting day at the shops and stuff.
Their minds are in peak physical condition.
They've still got booze coursing around their veins from Friday night.
yeah they're ready to rock okay well here's clip number one and in this clip the director is talking about how uh you know the public response to this film and the internet response particularly to this film wasn't necessarily very flattering and he's a bit angry about that so have a listen to this i hope that this dvd gets uh
out in the market and that the people see the movie finally on DVD because the movie deserves it and it's far away from that trash what the people wrote in the internet.
And I got punished for it and damaged on IMDb.
This movie is way better in everything and the story makes sense and is told in a way that you understand the story.
I got panished and damaged.
There's a certain element of fun in just listening to a German accent.
Is that a real German accent?
I think so.
Sounds Bavarian.
I got panished and damaged.
Okay, clip number two.
As soon as you guess who this is, 08712221049.
I've got no idea who that is.
Really?
He's a pretty famous bad director.
That's quite a hefty clue.
Right.
So here's clip number two and our famous bad director has brought some little friends into the recording booth of his DVD commentary and they caused some trouble.
Munchkins?
Yeah, kinda.
If you hear any noises or whatever, these are my two dogs, they're hanging out here in the stage, in the sound stage.
And I say it again, these are my dogs here, hanging out there, bored.
These are my dogs back here.
Don't play here.
Just... The dogs, they behave themselves fairly well, the dogs, and he's still giving them a hard time.
Yeah, he's slapping them around a bit.
So is he famous for loving dogs, the director?
No, I don't think so.
He's just a freewheeling German man who feels as if he's been punished.
Yeah.
Listen, let's play one more clip and we'll give you some clues if it's still proving a little tricky.
In this clip, he's complaining about the fact that his lead actress won't get her boobles out.
Here we go.
What is a disappointment?
A disappointment is for all the fans that Tara Reid is not losing her bra, but this is a typical prude US thing, like the actresses are not willing to play nudity normally.
And it's very disappointing.
Tara Reid is going naked to parties and gets in the press with that, but she is not losing her bra in a movie.
What is idiotic?
Well, he's really upset about it, isn't he?
He is.
Well, you know, Tara Reid's attractive woman.
She's going new to the parties, but she won't take her bra off for me.
That is idiotic.
Not take it off, lose it.
Lose it?
He wants it lost altogether.
Tara, shush, shush, with the bra, shush.
So there we go, 0871-222-1049.
If you know what director that is and what film he was talking about, then call now and you could win a fantastic prize, yeah?
Music now, it's The Flaming Lips with The Wand, then we've got some ads and we'll be back with the conclusion of Crap Commentary Corner for this week.
There you go, let's go west with We Close Our Eyes.
Sorry, Franz Ferdinand with Do You Want To.
Adam and Joe, back here on XFM.
Steve's on the line.
Oh, are we gonna go to Steve?
Yeah, let's go to Steve.
Hey Steve.
We're playing Crap Commentary Corner, by the way.
Hello, hello.
How you doing, Steve?
I'm good, thank you guys.
Yeah, very good, very glad to be back.
So Steve, before we get your answer to Crap Commentary Corner, we're gonna play one more clip.
of this brilliant director, okay?
And this is a clip.
It's just, I just like the way he words this.
And this is him remembering a day when he felt a bit ill.
This scene is a very bad remembering situation for me because I had a very bad ear infection and like fever and headache.
And I'm really happy about that scene because there are real emotions coming up, what was very good.
And both actors try to stand up.
And there the sentence ends.
It's not as if he carries on.
They just try to stand up.
And in a movie by this guy, that's good enough.
It's a bad remembering situation for me though.
What was very good?
Hello Steve.
Hello.
So who is it?
Put us out of our Germanic misery.
Ove Balls.
Yes.
Ove what?
It's bowls, isn't it?
But I think bowl, is it?
Bowl.
Or balls.
I think it's just bowl, isn't it?
Well, it is balls, isn't it?
That's well pronounced.
Uwe Boll.
Now listen, I don't know anything about Uwe Boll.
Steve, tell us a bit about him.
Well, I just know he's always been flagged off on the internet for doing terrible movie conversions of pretty decent games.
Video games, yeah.
Do you know any of the names of his films?
He didn't do...
We might have done Boom or Silent Hill.
No, he did House of the Dead.
Oh, House of the Dead, that's it, yeah.
Yeah, which is just incredible.
It is the worst, funniest thing I've ever seen.
I've never even heard of it.
I do reckon, it just makes no sense.
But it's very exciting.
Yeah.
And that, do you know what movie that commentary was from, Steve?
House of the Dead?
No, that's Alone in the Dark.
Oh yeah, that's right.
Is that a video game conversion?
Yeah.
Yeah, that came out years ago, Alone in the Dark, and they've done a couple of remakes of the game as well.
There you go.
Well, this is a movie of it starring Christian Slater and what's his name?
Oh, Stephen Dorf.
And Tara Reade, presumably.
And Tara Reade, all the big names.
Have you seen that one, Steve?
No, I think I'll wait for that to come out on DVD.
Oh, it's out, mate.
Oh, is it?
Yeah, you know, that was the commentary and everything off of it.
It's early in the morning, guys.
It's true, it's true.
But you know, I wouldn't bother.
It's a stinker.
You can borrow Joe's copy.
Man, you can have my copy.
Hey, Steve, what do you want for a prize?
We've got the Book of Cool, we've got these... Oh, Steve!
He's fed up.
He hates Cool.
He hates the Book of Cool.
Steve's too cool for Cool.
Okay, we might try and get Steve back.
Steve, are you there?
No, he's gone.
Okay, he hates he hates anything to do with cool Steve notorious.
That's quite good.
We've got extra prizes He got furious about the book of cool.
It just happened to Steve.
I hope he wasn't in an accident or anything maybe He was savaged by one of who is rock violence.
We'll try and we'll try and revive Steve Yeah, now I'm worried about I'm a bad surprise could have been a
Sam should find Steve for goodness sake.
Get Steve, we're really worried about Steve.
Otherwise we'll have like a dead caller.
We don't know his second name.
And that would be bad for our first show back.
Let's play some music and we'll try and find Steve for you.
Hear the Arctic Monkeys.
What time did the bus go?
I woke you up.
What time's the bus go?
Who was that, Adam?
Oh, come on, Joe Cornish, that's the monkeys, the Arctic monkeys, with leave before the lights come on.
This is Adam and Joe, this is XFM London's 104.9, now in an hour and 15 minutes it's time for the X-list at 12 noon, and it's the first time Adam and I have had control of the X-list, one of the most important parts of the architecture of this radio station, right?
That's right.
So we're gonna make a big old mess of it!
We're going to pull it down.
No, we're not.
We're going to make it better.
We've got an idea, right?
We're going to call it the X-Lust.
Ooh.
Right, we only just had that idea.
We had a lot of other ideas and they were all very good.
Yeah.
We went for that one.
We chose the worst one.
Yeah.
The X-Lust.
Right, so the idea is you call us 08712221049 or text us 83XFM if you want somebody to know that you fancy them.
It's like being out of school, isn't it?
Yeah.
So you call us and you dedicate a track to them, right?
And then you also give us their number.
And what we're going to do is we're going to call them and we'll find out whether they reciprocate your feelings and use the track as bribery.
Ooh.
Well, we were saying before that we would have them on the line, we would play the track, and then we would see if they were still on the line at the end of the track.
And if they are, that means they want some roughly.
Yeah, so this is good.
The xlust08712221049.
You need a request of a kind of xlist classic.
You need someone what you love, but they don't know it.
Yeah, or even maybe you don't love them.
You just want to see inside their pants.
Yeah, yeah.
It is called the Ex-Lust after all.
Exactly.
And then we need their number as well, okay?
And remember, the best thing is you don't actually have to talk to this person.
That's right.
We're acting as intermediaries.
You're shielded from any romantic wounding implications, right?
Yeah, you can do all that later.
So if they say, oh no, Steve is ugly.
Then not the Steve that just called by the way the see that just called is fine.
He just went under a bridge Yeah, he's not dead.
He wasn't he wasn't crushed by the bridge But yeah, so if this person doesn't fancy you then you know you don't have the embarrassment of Addressing them to their face and you can just move on
fancy someone on telly or something.
Exactly.
At the very least they'll be impressed by the fact that you made a kind of romantic gesture on the nation's biggest Saturday morning radio show.
There's a flaw in that logic somewhere towards the end.
0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 or text 8 3 X FM or email Adam and Joe at X FM dot co dot UK and you know what if you just want a request for the X list anyway and you don't have anybody anybody you fancy we might stick those on too yeah exactly so get in touch we'll be back shortly you know we won't remember this
That's Razorlight with In The Morning.
Hey, this is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Yeah.
Hi.
It's coming up to news time soon, Joe.
You ready to do some banter?
I'm excited.
I'm going to banter with that news lady.
What's her name?
She's got a complicated Welsh name.
Has she?
We'll find out.
Yeah, we're going to have to find out.
That's exciting.
So, er, noodles, Joe.
I wanted to talk about noodles.
Noodles.
Specifically the pot kind.
Pot noodles, yeah.
Yeah.
You know, have you seen that advert where they're in the mine?
They're in the pot noodle mine.
It's a crazy advert, you know, putting forth the idea that noodles actually come from noodle mines.
Imagine.
Right, I have seen that advert.
It's kind of, yeah, exactly, making it like Welsh miners, but instead of being covered in coal dust, they're covered in noodles.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, I've got a number of problems, I don't know how you feel about it, on several different levels with the noodles, with the noodle mines.
The first of which being, you know, just the logical inconsistency of the whole thing.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, if you were mining for noodles, surely the noodles in the rocks would be in a solid form.
Yeah, the problem is that the problem is is that... There's a lot of is's in that sentence, isn't there?
The problem is is is is that the noodles are moist!
What's going on there?
You wouldn't mine moist noodles.
No, they'd just flop out of the wall.
They'd be in their solid state like they are when you buy them in the supermarket in a like a packet.
In packets, exactly.
In a hard, crispy nest.
The water has not been added yet.
And if they were moist, then the two rock strata's above and below them would crush them into some sort of a noodley powder.
A paste, a kind of.
A noodley paste.
And what's more, I think it's insulting to people whose families were involved in, you know, industrial mining industries in the north.
Yeah, like your dad.
What, Thatcher ruined?
That's right.
My dad was a miner.
Yeah.
Yeah, and laughing.
And he worked hard, you know?
It's not that long since the miners strike and policemen were battering people over their heads and making their noses bleed and stuff, is it?
No, absolutely.
I mean, you know, that was one of the most serious, that ruined thousands of lives, maybe even
ten thousands of lives.
And that was a big contentious issue and now it's been reduced to the level of a noodle mine.
I was thinking they may as well, a similar thing would be for Marmite to do an advert where there's like a lady in the 50s and she's on a bus and she likes Marmite and she's forced to sit at the back of the bus like Rosa Parks.
Why not take the mick out of that?
Yeah, they wouldn't trivialise that, would they?
No, exactly.
Exactly, that's my point, the pot noodle minds.
It makes us very, very angry.
So angry, you know?
And just at least sort out the inconsistencies of the noodles.
Are they hard or are they soft?
in the mines.
You know, who eats Pot Noodle anyway?
Who does eat Pot Noodles?
They're just like tubular crisps.
Tubular bells.
With a packet of flavouring.
Yeah.
You know?
A bit of ketchup.
Is that, are they, because they're made by Golden Wonder as well aren't they Pot Noodles?
That's right, yeah.
They're just the same as crisps.
Do you think you could have the same effect by putting, getting a mug of hot water, popping some crisps in?
It would probably taste about the same.
That's right.
It's just the dimensions and the surface area that's different.
That's true.
It's true.
Think about that.
There's not a lot more to be said.
Let's try it during the news.
During the noodle news.
The noodle news.
OK.
And then it's time for Joe's news about it.
Don't build it up too much, man.
It's going to be good.
Now you're up to date.
More in an hour.
Thanks very much, Hank Harrod.
Joe, anything?
Yeah, hey Aang Harrod.
Hi.
How you doing?
Fine.
That's great, well done.
Thanks.
62 year old mum, huh?
That's disgusting and brilliant at the same time.
Well cut, finished.
Nearly.
What do you make of that?
What do I make of that?
I'm a bit gutted, sorry.
Gutted, yeah.
And tea in the park.
Everyone off to that.
It's not getting wet, is it?
It's all the way up.
And dry and sunny today.
Wait for it!
What's Angharad going to say about that?
Yes, apparently it is.
Well no, wait for it.
She's an intelligent woman, that was a good lead.
Sorry mate.
So Angharad drawing Sonny today.
Indeed it is.
What have you got planned?
I think I might just sit in the park.
On your own.
Just on my own.
With a can of extra strong lager.
That's the one.
All on my own.
Man, this isn't going very well.
Alistair Stewart does it a lot better.
Okay, sorry.
Can I put my hand on your knee like Alistair Stewart does with that lady?
Can I?
You're a bit far away.
If your arm can stretch that far, goodness.
The mic's a long way away from Angharad.
Angharad's too authoritative.
At midday, Angharad, we're going to have some amazing banter for you.
Fantastic, look forward to it.
It's going to be really easy going.
Thanks very much Angharad.
Tell me, baby.
That's the red hot chilli peppers.
Hey, this is Adam and Joe here on XFM in our new slot.
Yeah, we're with you till one.
We've got the X list coming up at noon.
Don't forget to get your requests in for that by text 83 XFM or on the phone.
0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9.
But right now we're going to do a text competition and we've got some terrific prizes.
This thing called the Book of Cool that you may have seen in the shops.
It's a massive wad of DVDs in a book full of all sorts of things that make you cool.
We'll talk about it more when someone wins it.
It's sort of skate things, is it?
It's all sorts of things.
But let's talk about it more a bit later, cos there's quite a lot to talk about.
Right, then.
But here's the text competition, right?
Now, this text competition is about killing.
It's sort of unpleasant.
It's about murder.
Yeah.
But not of people or anything that would be illegal.
We don't want you texting in about the people you've killed.
No, no, we don't want to get into that.
Keep that to yourself.
Yeah, that's illegal minefield.
I'm talking about legal murder.
For instance...
Snail killing.
Right.
Going into the garden late at night, wearing a pair of socks, treading on a snail.
That's the most horrible thing you can do in the world.
Or even barefoot.
You must have done that.
Barefoot's even worse but there's something about a sock because the snail...
Yeah.
Death patch.
And you've shattered the greenhouse and big shards of glass are slicing into his body.
It's like a Dario Argento film.
And what can you do?
Cry for the snail?
You could kind of treat it like a Jaffa cake and you could peel the bits of shell off the back.
Why would you want to do that?
It's a sort of Buffalo Bill kind of thing to do.
No, but you might be able to save him, that's what I'm saying.
I was looking for ideas like, has anybody ever tried to superglue the shell back together?
If you hadn't killed the snail underneath fully you could rescue the snail and then get superglue and try and piece the snail back together or maybe just get a cotton reel and stick it on the top of the snail and hope it doesn't notice.
Maybe, or maybe a, I tell you what to do, a kinder egg shell.
That's a good idea.
Get one of those yellow kinder egg shells, cut a hole in either end, pop the snail in, it'll be the belle of the snail ball.
Oh, Mandy, where did you get that yellow shell?
Look at your new shell.
It's lovely.
Is that the prefab?
Right, the other death that happened in my life was we used to have a tortoise.
I'm sure this has happened to other people and my mum was having a bonfire.
Why can't I hear music?
Because it's XFM.
We're always rocking.
Is it?
I don't know why I can hear a little bit of music.
Anyway, tortoise crawled into the bonfire.
got killed, incinerated.
That's hideous.
That was horrible.
That's very traumatic.
That was traumatic.
That is noisy.
What's going on there?
It's just like someone having a big party outside.
So listen, text us.
Have you got any, Adam?
Oh man, I've had a lot of death in my life.
Some of it accidental, some of it sort of not so much.
You know what I'm saying?
Did you ever have murderous feelings as a child?
You never had that at all?
Yeah, but that's not the area I was wanting to get into, really.
You're talking about accidental death.
Kind of thing, but if you want to tell us about your murderous feelings, then go ahead.
Well, I just, like, sometimes, when we used to live in the country, there'd be animals around the whole time.
This is when we lived in Wales.
And sometimes you'd come across kind of sick
animals, particularly myxomatosis, the rabbits used to suffer from.
And you were told, as a rural dweller, that if you found a rabbit with myxomatosis, you're supposed to put it out of its misery.
But I embraced that information a little too enthusiastically, because I wanted to, you know, flex my murder muscles.
And one day I found a rabbit with myxomatosis, and I hesitated for a while,
But then I kind of grabbed a great big branch and I started to wallop the rabbit man This is slightly mental.
It is mental, isn't it?
Yeah.
Do you sure you want to talk about this?
No, it's Here's the thing is the thing it I didn't do a good job
Oh, I don't think we want to know about this, do we?
It took ages.
There might be kids listening who've got rabbits as pets.
That's true.
No one keeps snails as pets.
Well, listen, I hope that they will never have to do what I had to do.
I had to do the right thing with that rabbit.
It took ages, and it was one of the most traumatic things that's ever happened to me.
Have you got any lighter ones?
I trot on a frog.
Oh, that's bad.
Treading on a frog.
But that's really bad, though, isn't it?
Because people keep frogs as pets.
I mean, the rabbit thing is horrific.
Well, there's something about a reptile, you know, or an insect.
No, but a frog?
A frog's got personality.
Oh, do you think?
Yeah, like Jeremy, Jeremy, you know, he's in Beatrix Potter books.
Jeremy taught us... Yeah, but he's got a suit on.
I can't remember what he's called.
Anything wearing clothes immediately has more personality.
I don't think he was wearing a suit, the frog that I trod on, but it was accidental.
Again, it was a nighttime thing and I'd gone out into the garden barefoot on one hot summer night and accidentally squished this frog.
But, you know, sorry, all my stories go a bit weird and dark.
I don't think I completely got the guy.
You know, I just I just felt a crunching under my foot and immediately went, oh, my God.
And, you know, and then I just went into the house in disgust.
And the next day, it was gone.
So I think it must have crawled off.
You think it would?
Oh, that's disturbing.
So listen, this has already got into quite a weird area.
Mainly my fault, I have to admit.
But how do we judge who wins this competition?
Well, I guess we just go for the most moving, we go for the most moving accidental creature death.
Right.
You know, we're not looking to celebrate this, we're looking to share your pain and the agony of accidentally killing a living thing.
I think all living things, however big and small, are God's creatures.
Yeah.
God created everything that creepeth upon the earth.
That's true, he did, didn't he?
Yeah, Proverbs 6.
Right?
So they're all valuable.
Absolutely.
So yeah, text us in your accidental animal deaths, 83XFM, and we'll reward you with a book of cool.
Yeah?
So you'll feel cool rather than regretful.
Like a horrible murderer, which is what I feel like right now.
To make up for it, here's a free play.
This is The New Pornographers with Twin Cinema.
That's the new pornographers with twin cinemas.
Wait, hang on a second.
The who?
The new pornographers.
With what?
Twin cinema.
What's all that about then?
It's just... Twin cinema?
Yeah.
What's that then?
Does it only play twins?
No, they've got like two screens.
Two screens?
Yeah.
Blowing my mind.
Well, that's the new pornographers for you.
The new pornographers, come on.
Surely they're running out of band names when they call something that.
Oh, they're a brilliant band, though.
They're amazing.
Are they?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, was that a free play?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, well, then you're responsible.
Listen, we've been... This is Adam and Joe, XFM, London's 104.9.
We've been asking you to text in, like, accidental animal death.
You know, treading on snails, treading on frogs, and frankly, listeners, we're getting some quite disturbing stuff in.
It's opened up the trauma floodgates.
I mean, it's that, you know, everybody as a kid has to experience mortality one way or another, and usually it's not through killing a person.
No, and you know, everyone has a dark side.
Usually.
Well, now hang on, Adam, again you're making a massive leap.
I'm talking about accidental killing, not the emergence of someone's dark side to voluntarily kill something.
I'm saying that- I'm talking about involuntary killing.
He's not linked!
So listen, Little Jason says this.
I used to work on a duck farm when I was a wee boy and once had to put one out of its misery as it was crushed and nearly dead.
So I picked it up by its legs and smashed it over a rock.
I cried for about 20 minutes.
Yours, Little Jason.
but at least he cried for 20 minutes yeah exactly yeah but the smashing over a rock doesn't really marry with the crying for 20 minutes no because he had he was doing his duty same as me same as me with her i had to i had to i was nothing
Ah, that's quite disturbing.
Here we go.
My mum would once ritualistically stalk snails in the garden and then she would drop them in a flora tub of salt water and leave them by the back doorstep.
Ooh.
Says Fox.
Now my girlfriend did that, Annabelle if you're listening, she got about 300 snails, put them in a bucket, put some sort of lethal fluid in there.
Just a bit of salt, that's all.
And then she buggered off to Scotland with her mum and dad and left them there.
So one morning I wake up
And it was very disturbing.
There was a massive bucket of rotting snails and there were a million flies in there.
It was disgusting.
So I cooked them up in a big pot and ate them for breakfast.
A big death bucket.
No, I took them to the dump.
My dad grabs snails and he flings them against brick walls.
Does he?
Like a nunchuck, a squidgy nunchuck.
Yeah, he lobs them.
Why does he do that?
Because they're absolute pests if you're a gardener.
Yeah, but they're sweet and they're very intelligent.
Listen, how about this one?
When 11, I accidentally put too much hot water into my goldfish bowl when changing the water.
They slowly floated to the top.
That's a common occurrence, isn't it?
Many people experience death for the first time with a goldfish.
And then this texter writes, RIP James Pond.
Oh, that was the name of the, uh, the fish.
James Pond.
Jimmy Pond.
And Bubble07.
That's good.
That's another texter we should do one day, is pet names.
Pet names.
Fish names, especially.
It's a tricky one.
Here's another one.
This is from, uh, Martin Brown.
He's given us his whole address so we can send the police round.
My cat, he spells my M-I, my, no me cat, me cat had its legs broken, so I put splints on it, so now it walks like a robot.
That's not really a death, is it?
Well there's, you know what, you know those Channel 4 promos where they have people standing around doing one-liners about things?
Jimmy Carr talks about the fact that he puts
Smarties tubes on cat's legs to make them walk like robots.
There you go.
It's a good trick.
Here's another one.
I once crushed the class gerbil at school under my knee when I was nine.
Crushed it accidentally under the knee.
Then, in order not to be caught, put it under a rock to pretend it had fallen under it.
How does an animal, how do you fall under a rock?
Accidentally tripped.
You'd have to have a wedge-shaped head.
and fall with quite a lot of velocity to actually land under a rock.
Yeah, you'd have to be on a skateboard heading towards the rock and then fall forward and hurtle.
It's usually the rock that does the falling, isn't it?
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, but there we go.
He or she was only, no, he, Martin in South Norwood, thanks for that.
My cat drank green paint from the shed when we lived in Ireland.
I still suspect my parents.
No.
Says James in Enfield.
James, you've got unresolved issues with your parents.
Why would they kill your cat by forcing paint down its throat?
That's insanity.
If your parents are the kind of people who would do that, then there's bigger problems.
And why would the cat drink the paint?
It's glossy, yeah.
It's glossy, that's what they'd like, the glossiness.
Yeah, because they'd think it was good for their coat.
I mean, white paint they might mistake for milk, but green paint?
What, is it avocado soup?
Yeah.
I've trod on three frogs, twice in bare feet.
They make a strange popping noise.
And you end up doing that crazy stubbed toe, oh my god, oh my god dance.
That's true.
Well, that's the worst thing about treading on snails.
You tread on one, feel remorse, step backwards, tread on another.
Yeah.
It's like a dance of death.
So this is good.
Keep them coming in, 83 XFM.
Pretty soon we'll decide who to give the prizes to.
I tell you what, we'll try and get you on the line as well.
Keep sending in your accidental, troubling, um, animal deaths.
You know, we're basically trying to talk about reptiles, insects and pets.
No voluntary death, Adam Buxton.
That wasn't voluntary!
I had no- I was doing the right thing!
Killing the pill- Put the lotion in the bucket.
Killing the- Put the lotion in the bucket!
Fluffy killing and the killing.
you
What was that?
Sorry, Adam.
We really should decide who's going to speak first.
Editors with Munich and before the break you heard Hardfire with Cash Machine.
Yeah, listen, please keep your requests coming in for the X-list.
It's starting at noon.
Any record you want to hear on the radio, text 83XFM and we'll play it.
But we've been asking for your texts for accidental animal, insect and reptile murder.
And the response has been quite disturbingly huge.
I don't think we've ever got as many texts for anything we've ever done before.
It's a very important, formative part of every young person's life, I think.
People are killing animals left, right and centre out there.
I think it's better to deal with death on a pet basis than, like, kill a taxi driver or something, you know what I'm saying?
I don't know, man.
It's a toss-up.
It's a balance.
It swings them roundabouts.
Carl JJ from Harrow says, I stood on my budgie when I was seven by accident.
I stood on my budgie.
How do you do that by accident?
Was the budgie asleep on the floor?
But I didn't kill it.
My mum had to wring its neck to make sure it didn't suffer, to make sure it didn't suffer or try and crawl to my bed and peck my eyes out as I slept.
Good old mum, keeping you safe at night from zombie budgies.
That's the thing you worry about, is the retribution.
You know, I was in fear of the frog community for ages after I crushed the frog.
under my foot, you know what I'm saying?
You just think, man, they've got it in for me now, and there's loads of them, and they could easily gang up, and who knows?
Anything else there?
Yeah, but you know, some of these stories are quite long, and when people send long texts, they divide into several texts, and it's hard to know where.
I might be merging one bit of one killing with another bit of another killing.
Go on, give it a go.
Man.
My dad, when he was just a boy, once threw an unripe quince at his neighbour's cat.
Only a dad would throw a quince.
Especially an unripe one.
Hang on, I've lost it as neighbour's cat.
And the cat was bothering his dog.
The idea was to scare the cat off his proper... ...tea.
But he accidentally hit it on the head.
He quickly buried it.
He lied to his neighbours when they came round asking whether he'd seen their Moggy.
He's always worried that maybe the quince only knocked the cat out and he buried it alive!
What I was gonna say!
Like Stephen King's pet cemetery!
That's a nightmare!
Lethal quinces!
He quickly buried it!
Quickly!
Oh my god.
Quincy, Doctor of Death.
Quincy, I once ran over a family of weasels.
A whole family?
They were crossing the road in a line, so I had nowhere to go.
I was quite distressed.
Toby from Muswell Hill.
Toby, you should have killed yourself mate.
You should have just pulled the wheel firmly to the left, flipped the car, given your life.
What makes you better than a weasel?
You're an arrogant man, Toby and Muswell Hill, typical of people who live in Muswell Hill.
Muswell.
Yes.
Muswell.
I once, I'm not, that's not true Toby, you're a great guy and you deserve to live the world.
Listen, weasels.
They're weasels for goodness sake.
They're weasels.
You're right, weasel is a word used to describe a person with low morals.
Exactly.
They're rotters.
They live to die.
Exactly.
They welcome death with open arms, even a whole family.
I, this is a good one from Pete.
I ran over a deer in the countryside.
I had to finish it off with my bare hands.
My wife vomited.
The beef and Guinness pie I'd spent all day cooking.
Imagine that scene, strangling the deer, the wife vomiting.
Jesus, darling, I'm killing it.
That's a proper sort of primeval moment, isn't it?
It's like something out of Clan of the Cave Bear.
It's a nightmare.
Okay, I've got to recover with some music.
Now this is a free play.
But there's so many more.
I know, we're going to have to resolve this after your free play, Joe.
We can't resolve it.
We're going to have to though.
We're providing a national service.
Introduce your free play.
OK, yeah, this is a free place.
So, you know, it's Saturday morning.
What better time for a cup of tea?
Everyone loves a cup of tea.
It's a bit tangential, isn't it?
But this is just an anthem to having a cup of tea.
So if you're a fan of tea, you might like this song.
It's a nice reggae ram jam about the tea.
And I like it because he just talks about tea, and the chorus is just... TEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Like that.
Who's it by?
So give it a listen.
It's by Bobo Desert, Luciano and Friends, and it's from a reggae compilation called Jagalinds.
Okay, here we go.
Yeah, I love that song.
I don't drink tea, but I love it.
That's Bobo Desert, Luciano and Friends.
I got that off iTunes.
Did you?
I did, yes.
What were you searching for?
Tea songs?
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm just searching for stuff, but that's a great song.
That's the kind of song I kind of want to play every week until it's a massive hit.
It's hard to tell with reggae sometimes when it comes from.
Is that an old song or is that fairly new?
but I just like the fact that he's singing about tea and He does mention having some sensei as well as the tea, but I think he just means when he drinks tea It makes him see sense exactly sensitivity that clarifies him.
So listen, we should are we gonna put this text to bed?
Yeah, we'll play some adverts first and a bit more music and then come back and conclude our death text our death text for the end of our murder
And with what we're getting ready to enter the x list zone for exciting from 12 to one so please do keep those requests coming in.
You can phone us oh 871 we haven't got enough request 1049 we got loads of requests do we everyone's just sending in death.
People care more about killing animals than they do about rock music.
You can also text your X-list requests on 83XFM or you can email us adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
The AND is A-N-D, not an ampersand.
We'll be back shortly.
They love croutons.
Combined weight is two tons.
That was the soutons with Valerie.
Very nice indeed.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Time to resolve our text competition, but not before we just give you a couple more of those.
Yeah, XFM, the station with the largest body of murderous listeners in the country.
The animal and reptile and insect killing that's going on out there is terrifying.
Well, you know, indie music fans, they love killing.
They love to kill animals.
I swear we've never got so many texts about anything ever.
We've got about 20,000 texts.
That's an exaggeration.
Not that much of one.
What was the one about the girl who was trying to... she was trying to trim her hamster's whiskers and she accidentally snipped off its nose.
And it bled to death.
I mean that is the stuff... That's the stuff of what?
of sexy... Adam Buxton, stop it!
No, it's the stuff of nightmares!
That's the kind of thing that could scar you for life!
Someone's cat used to like eating toothpaste but accidentally ate a tube of thrush cream and died the next day!
Someone hoovered up their parakeet and it survived but it had a bald neck!
But listen, here's the winner who's gonna win a book of cool.
Hugh is on the line.
Is he on the line?
I am.
Hey Hugh, how you doing?
So this is an excellent story.
Tell us your story of unfortunate animal death.
It was very sad.
I was producing a situation comedy series for S4C, the Welsh Fourth Channel.
And I was casting some children to play the part of the lovable cuddly kids in the series.
And the series was called Mr Brock, which was about a talking badger who came from a bio lab.
It sounds like quite sophisticated stuff on SBC.
It was.
For SBC it was very advanced this day.
Anyway, I was on my way to the last audition.
I auditioned about 400 kids.
I was having done the A55.
So you were on your way to a primary school?
To a primary school in Flint.
I was having done the A55 in Yulo.
I was hurrying a little bit and I accidentally made contact with my
with a badger, the size of a small horse.
And I remember the thud, but I was in such a hurry I couldn't stop, so I carried on going.
So all the kids were there, it was quite late, it was in the winter, it was quite dark.
So they were all in the yard waiting excitedly for me to arrive, the big producer from S4C.
And lo and behold, what was stuck to the toilet of my sandwich bag, a badger's head.
The corpse of a badger.
All those little kids, just the head.
Yeah, well I think they thought it was some sort of... I thought they probably thought it was a puppet.
Oh, like a trophy!
But I'm still committed to this day, it was a sacrifice from the badge of gods.
Because I got another two series.
Is that series still running, Mr Brock?
And Fosse is not available on DVD, they should bring it out, it's a cult classic.
You know what?
That would be a good kid's puppet show as well, one that just used animal corpses.
Eyeballs hanging out, little swarms of flies around them.
Kids would like that.
And a flat frog.
Yeah, man, that's troubling.
I would have liked to have been there.
when you arrived with the Badger Corp.
So listen Hugh, where are you calling from?
I'm calling from Ponta Camare in South Wales.
So you're listening on digital are you?
On digital, yeah.
Well done sir.
We have technology in Wales.
Yeah, good for you, that's progress.
So would you be able to make it to the Hackney Empire to see the James Taylor Quartet and sit in a box with a case of free beer?
Does that interest you?
If you are, I mean, we're giving you the choice here, or do you want to go and see a screening of Kill Bill volume one at the Stella Artois Live Outdoor Film Festival in Greenwich?
It's a long way to travel.
Or we could just send you a book of cool, which is full of like Frisbee tricks and skating tricks and gun tricks.
Well, as a semi-professional boarder, I don't know, I'm quite sort of,
I think trip down to London, seeing as I go down there quite often.
Yeah, why not?
I don't suppose XFM will pay you off.
I own a bit of it.
So you want the James Taylor Quartet?
Yes.
Okay, man, we'll send you those tickets.
I'll try not to kill any badgers on the way.
Yeah, you do that.
Well, thanks very much, Hugh.
That's great, great story.
Well done.
And you'll get those tickets and you'll have a brilliant time getting drunk in a box and throwing up over the James Taylor Quartet from a height.
Thanks for calling and thanks for listening.
Take care, Hugh.
Bye.
What now, Adam?
Well, we've got news and then have you got some more news banter?
I'm going to try bantering again.
What was I doing wrong?
It seemed a little insincere, what you were doing before.
I was overexcited.
I need to engage her about one of the stories, don't I?
I need to get her opinion, because that's what's exciting, to get a newsreader's opinion.
You need an easygoing manner, because you were trying to be easygoing, but it was kind of spilling over into being sleek.
Slightly sleazy.
So the final thing she usually says is it's going to be dry and sunny.
Where can I go from there?
It's dry and sunny in my trousers.
No, you see that's exactly where you wouldn't go.
Is that where it goes wrong?
No, don't go there.
We'll have a think.
Where is she?
She's coming quite soon.
We've got to place some ads first.
What's her name?
Ang Harrod.
Ang Harrod, yeah.
I love her.
She's going to be here in about three minutes, so stay tuned for Jo's non-sleazy banter.
Now you're up to date.
Yeah, Aang Harrod.
It's dry and sunny, eh?
The weather's been very changeable lately.
Right.
Are you going for dry and sunny again?
What should we do?
We discussed dry and sunny.
OK.
So listen, it's gone festivals crazy, hasn't it, this year, Aang Harrod?
I mean, do you think it's because Gastonbury's not on this year that so many people are going to other festivals?
That's all right.
I reckon there are always a lot of festivals.
Don't you?
Pretty much a summer thing.
No, but that's a lot of fans playing, a lot of people going to that one, isn't it?
Should be good fun.
Should be great fun.
How about anything special planned for the weekend?
Have you got anything special planned for the weekend?
Just seeing you.
That's good, you see that's... Yeah, you see the banter's going there a little bit.
Have I got news for you?
Never mind, that's got... You know... What?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Thanks very much, Hank Harrod.
It's the X list here on XFM.
We're going to kick it off with this one from Led Zeppelin.
That's Led Zeppelin, with a whole lot of love, or as I know it, the Top of the Pops theme.
Yes, now listen, listeners, if you've been listening to the whole show, we've been on since 10 this morning, if you've just tuned in, we did propose we do something called the X-Lust, but several things have happened, oh, since we made that proposition, I just nearly dropped something, the first thing that's happened was someone said Chris Tarrant does exactly the same thing on Capitol.
That's the thing with all radio ideas.
There's only about five radio ideas.
We can come up with something new.
You reckon?
If we try hard enough, we're just being lazy.
The second thing that happened is nobody called in.
Not a single per- I think there was a couple, but they didn't have any numbers.
So it's a flat out disaster.
Totally.
But that's allowed for our first show in the new slot, you know?
Yeah.
We're gonna think again, we're gonna come back with something stronger, more original, better next week.
If not next week, the following week.
If not the following week, maybe next year.
Maybe.
Sometime, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
So bear with us.
At some point.
And we're just gonna have to go back to basics and strip this Xlist hour down to pure solid requests.
We've got prizes to give away, we'll give them away randomly to our favourite requests.
So get your requests in 8.3 XFM for Xlist favourites.
that uh song the Led Zeppelin number was going out to Andy the painter incidentally and here's one right now uh we don't have a name for this one but someone someone wanted to imagine andy painting with his brush staring at a wall thinking of converting the whole nature of that wall with his brush his bristles
Ah, you're getting quite arousing.
OK.
Well speaking of which, we're going to have something fairly arousing quite soon, aren't we?
Are we?
Oh yeah, yeah, we're going to take you into the demented world of Jamie Foxx.
The singer.
Until then, here's the Lemonheads.
That's the Lemonheads with Mrs Robinson.
This is Adam and Joe in our final hour, our X-list hour here on a Saturday afternoon, as it is now.
Yeah, keep those requests coming in.
Text 83XFM with a song you want to hear and we'll stick it on.
So listen, R&B news.
You know we like to keep you up to date with the world of R&B here at the Adam and Joe radio show.
And I've become slightly obsessed with actor and singer Jamie Foxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
He's only got two X's in his name, but that's enough to make me want to pronounce it.
So Jamie Foxx is an actor.
He's won a flipping Oscar for his performance in Ray.
That's right.
He's also a singer.
And his album's gone multi-platinum.
It's called Unpredictable.
And he's a sexy man.
He's a sexy man.
And he loves women.
And this usually doesn't happen, you know, for a singer.
For someone to have success in music and film is very unusual.
Lots of people try it.
Eddie Murphy tried it you know but usually it's a disaster it's one or the other.
Foxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
out of control.
maniacal idiot oh he's the most overconfident person on the planet where have you seen him well I'll tell you where I've seen him he was on one Leicester Square Russell Brand's MTV show where the lovely Russell who's brilliant was interviewing Tom Cruise and suddenly fox ox ox ox comes in with a like a baby gif box for Tom Cruise who just had his mystery baby right I thought you're gonna say like a baby for him an extra baby no he'd got a baby yeah
but foxoxox comes in with this big thing of stuff and completely ignores brand right starts hosting the show and talking straight to the camera and starts saying things like to tom cruise foxoxox says i love this guy he's amazing cruise says i love you you're amazing foxoxox says you're the best cruise says no you're the best
Foxoxox says, I haven't seen the movie yet, but I know it's going to be amazing.
And Cruz says, your album's amazing, man.
This kind of stuff.
Then Foxoxoxox says, I know your movie's going to be amazing, but don't forget you've got something more amazing back at home.
Referring to the baby.
Yeah, he might have meant just some doobie.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
And then he, and then Foxxoxox was on the MTV Movie Awards with Colin Farrell.
Right.
Which was quite an extraordinary show, but he comes on, I'm going to stop saying Foxxoxox because it's boring, boring even me.
He comes on and he starts doing all this, like, hand-slapping with the audience, and just doing this really unfunny comedy routine.
And even Colin Farrell, who himself is a bit of an egomaniac, starts physically distancing himself from Fox.
Start stepping away.
So if all this isn't bad enough, and I'd like listeners out there to monitor the behaviour of Fox, because I believe he should be doped, or, well, he probably is, but he should be somehow tagged or controlled or just stopped.
He's a talented man though, isn't he?
Well, he's alright.
He's a good actor though, I mean he's- He's alright.
Is he?
Yeah, he's not that good.
A lateral.
That was alright.
He was extraordinary.
In collateral.
Ray, he did a good Ray impression.
That film was boring, but his Ray impression was pretty amazing.
But listen, it gets worse.
He's released this album and he reckons he's a love machine and he's released an album full of highly erotic songs.
But they're not explicitly erotic, I'm pleased to say, for a family show.
They're sort of metaphorically erotic.
Right.
And now I'd like to get Adam Buxton to read you some lyrics of the most erotic song on his album.
I've just been handed this list of his lyrics.
Forecast?
Yeah, like forecast, but knock the tear off and stick another S. Oh.
Forecast, I've got a forecast.
I've got a forecast.
So Adam's going to read the lyrics.
And if you're young or there are kids watching, remember this is just about the weather.
It's just about a rainy day.
OK, we've got some appropriate music, or the most appropriate music we could find.
So these are genuine lyrics from the Jamie Foxx album.
So here's some sexy music.
Read away, Adam.
Got nothing on but my t-shirt and boxers on.
Waiting for you to get home.
It's been sunny outside all day, baby.
I can't wait for it to storm.
Wanna feel your raindrops falling down all on me.
That thunder from down under surrounding me.
Coming down hard, pounding me.
Let me feel the raindrops falling down all over my love.
I want it soaking wet all over the bed.
I want the rain to come.
I can feel the mist every time we kissed.
Just didn't know a downpour like this.
There's a flash flood warning, till we wake up in the morning.
There'll be puddles in the bed, the weatherman said.
And on it goes, Christmas Day.
Puddles in the bed?
What woman would want to have roughty with Jamie Foxx?
He's so, he's basically, he's got some good, either he's incontinent or she's so wasted that she's just weed the bed really badly.
It's revolting.
That's a nightmare vision of non-sexiness.
Anyway, there you go.
Jamie Foxxoxoxx must be stop top topped at once and where they're meant to do it.
Right, back to the X list.
Jamie T right now.
This one is going out to Sonia.
Enjoy.
There you go, that's Jamie T with Sheila.
I don't know anything about Jamie T. He's just popped up while I've been looking another way.
Do you know anything about Jamie T, Joe?
No, but we'll find out more about him.
The other one is Plan B. Yeah.
I got a Plan B CD this week.
It was free from...
from Virgin, I think, and it was quite a shock to listen to that, what young kids are listening to.
I might try and bring some Plan B in next week, but clean it up for the listeners, obviously, because it's fairly filthy stuff.
You should do your own Plan Adam B, you know?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Get back on the scallywag tip.
Yeah, man.
Well, someone's already texted saying, hello is this scallywag, says Laura in Bromley.
Hey, there you go.
Hello, Laura.
Hey, listen, have we got somebody on the line with a request?
Yes, I believe we do.
Who do we have?
Hello.
Hello there.
Who's this?
Do we not even have their name?
Rich Williams.
Hey Rich, how you doing?
Too bad, thank you.
Yeah, thanks very much for calling in.
No trouble.
Now, what are you up to this weekend?
Not a lot really.
Spending time with family, really.
Very nice.
An idyllic scene.
Are you all together in the house today?
Not at the moment.
I'm on my way there in a moment.
Ah.
Are they listening, do you think, at home?
It's unlikely.
They should be listening, yeah.
Should they be?
And so would you like to say something to them?
Because that'll be magical.
It'll be like you're talking to them but you're not there.
It'll be as if you're on the phone.
That's right, yeah.
It'll be like an amazing kind of telecommunications happening.
And how old are your children?
Um, my little girl Caitlin, she's five, and my son Joel just turned three last week.
Oh wow, so that's a very enjoyable age to have your children there, and I'm sure they'll appreciate a shout-out from Dad.
So why don't you say something to them and then introduce the song that you have requested.
Okay, hello to my children Caitlin and Joel, Daddy and Mum, we love you very, very much.
And hello to my girlfriend Carly, I love you lots and lots as well.
I'm well enough.
Except for the person you love more than me, David Bowie.
Here we go.
Thanks very much indeed for your call.
Have a good weekend, Rich.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Bye.
It's David.
That's David Bowie, of course, with Let's Dance.
That one was going out to Rich and his family.
Yes, don't forget, at noon, Mick Rock is taking over his show.
Is it live from New York?
One o'clock, he comes on.
Oh, does he come at one?
I'm terribly sorry.
Yeah, he is sometimes live in New York.
Is he always live from New York?
yeah i think so it's a good show though because he's met everybody he has and he tells you that he has after every record sorry yeah anyway yeah so anyway that's uh something to get excited about what now adam
I was getting ready for your Mick Rock impression.
I feel bad doing a Mick Rock impression.
You don't need my Mick.
He just goes, that was the Stone Roses.
I met them a few years ago.
Nice, nice fellas.
I don't know why we haven't got around to playing with a lens and some film, but we haven't.
it's a good show man here's one from David Bowie for me he's still the king of bendy rock I saw David the other day in a magazine he was looking extraordinary he
He took our photos, Mick Rock.
He took pictures of all the XFM DJs.
Did you get the photo, Adam, that he took?
Yeah, if people don't know who Mick Rock is, there might be some people who don't.
He's like one of the most famous rock photographers in the world.
He's taken some of the most amazing, iconic rock images.
It's his photo that's on the cover of Lou Reed's Transformer.
He took all the most famous pictures of David Bowie and Iggy Pop and all sorts of people like that.
And he took our picture the other day.
It was exciting.
He swore us.
He really swore.
He used the C word.
He used the F where he used all the words.
We loved it.
And we really liked it.
It was very exciting.
What do you think of the photo though?
The photo's weird.
It's not flattering, but he wasn't, you know, he wasn't going for flattering.
He was going for something.
It's one of those warts and all photos.
That's right.
When's someone going to take a no warts photo?
I know.
They never want to make us look nice.
We'll be back shortly with the X list.
Stay tuned.
Adam and Joe here on a Saturday afternoon in our new slot.
This is the X list and we've got a song right now that's going out to Dave and Dave, who are doing a bit of work together in Woolwich.
Sounds cozy.
Hope you enjoy this one.
This is the FX Twinz.
What is going on?
I'm doing my remix.
It's good, man.
Of window liquor.
Oh, you'll damage your epiglottis.
It goes on for a while.
Anyway, that was Aphex Twin with Window Licker going out to Dave and Dave.
We've got a track right now going out to Dobbo and I think he's even on the line.
Dobbo the house elf?
Yeah, hey Dobbo.
Hello there.
How are you doing?
Yeah, I'm good man.
Dobbo, how did you end up with a name like Dobbo?
My real name is Dobbs.
And are you a Yobbo, allowing people to call you Dobbo the Yobbo?
Absolutely, yes.
And what are you up to today, Dobbo?
I'm just on my way home.
From where?
From Islington.
I went to the first Friday last night.
And you've been out all night?
No, not all night.
I was at home, well, I sort of got back about, I don't know, two.
How was Marsha?
Because she was DJing there last night, wasn't she?
Did you see her?
She was.
I don't know.
I think I saw Lucia.
You know, it was just a little blur.
Did you snog any body dubber?
No!
Why do you say it like that?
Well, it would make me a bit of a slut, yeah.
Well, I don't know.
I thought that was what First Friday was all about.
I've never been down that far.
I don't know.
I was just really happy last time, really drunk.
Oh, I'm glad you had a good time.
I've heard it's just like a sort of crazy school disco, First Friday.
This is crazy, certainly crazy.
I've got to go down there.
Yeah, we should go along and get sleazy all over the place.
Now listen, Dobbo, we've got a track lined up for you.
Do you want to introduce it for us?
Yes, Boy Kill Boy and Susie and it's fantastic.
Boy Kill Boy, this is going out to Dobbo.
Cheers, Dobbo, have a good weekend.
Thank you very much, lads.
Bye.
Yeah, hey, this is Adam and Joe.
We're in the last 13 minutes of our new slot.
We're here with you every Saturday morning now from 10am till 1pm.
We're midway through the X-list.
Have we got a caller on the line?
Yes, we do.
Hello caller, are you there?
I am here.
What's your name caller?
My name is Jamie.
What do you do for a living?
What do you do?
I'm a cycle courier.
A cycle courier and you're alive?
Yes, sir.
Injuries last week?
What did you get?
I got a sore thumb.
I saw that's not bad.
From ringing your bell aggressively?
It was actually when France won.
What's the worst accident you've had?
Hit by a bus.
No!
How did it get you?
Oh it just squashed my face completely so I've only got one eye now.
That's not true is it?
No that's not true.
What did you actually really get hit by a bus though?
Yeah I did.
And what happened, though?
Did he just scrape you or were you hurt badly?
Well, he just threw me for my bike and just rolled across the floor in front of loads of people and locked the circus.
It's great.
Man, that's unbelievable, isn't it?
But now you can at least say that you've been knocked over by a bus, you know what I mean?
Because people sort of say, well, come on, cheer up.
You can get knocked over by a bus tomorrow.
Yeah, my mum's very proud.
Man, you're a hero to me, you know.
Cycle couriers, they're modern heroes.
Are they?
Yeah.
Because it's so dangerous.
It is dangerous.
It's so dangerous and you're getting all those packages to people on time.
Do you know partly the reason it's dangerous?
What?
It's because they cycle very dangerously.
Do you cycle dangerously, Jamie?
I'm a keen cyclist and sometimes I have my dangerous moments.
I think you just evolved the timing properly for the lights and people.
Occupying space is a good thing because you can't really occupy space that everybody else is occupying Yeah, if you get excited, do you get very angry very easily?
Do you have a lot of rage on your bike Jamie?
Yeah, exactly like if someone cuts you up if a taxi cuts you up Do you catch him up at the lights and then slam on his door and go?
A few times, yeah, yeah.
I've actually been in Japanese Syndrome, so I'd do exactly that.
OK, do you want to introduce your song that you've requested?
I would like The Subways, Rock and Roll Cream by Galbraith and Soul.
Hey, Jamie, sorry to interrupt, but do you want a book of cool?
A book of cool?
Yeah, it's got bike tricks in it.
It's DVDs and books about how to do tricks, and it's got a whole do tricks on your bike section.
Yeah, I'd love that if you're giving away for free.
Yeah, we haven't given enough of them away.
Yeah, we'll send you.
Give me three or four then.
All right.
I'll put 20 quid in as well.
And a woman.
A tiny woman.
We might put Natalie and Brulea.
We might pop her in there for you.
I've got another phone going off.
Okay.
Never mind.
He's a busy boy.
Cheers, Jamie.
Have a good weekend.
Here's the subways for you.
There you go, that's The Subways and Rock and Roll Queen.
That was going out to Jamie the Cycle Courier in Archway.
Yeah, listen, listeners, I want to ask your advice on something.
I've been watching The Mint.
People who don't live in London might not know what the Mint is.
It's a whole channel and also at midnight till 4am on ITV it comes on.
It's like a televised fruit machine.
That's a national thing though, isn't it?
I don't know.
It might be London only.
ITV goes funny after midnight.
It might go regional.
I'm not sure.
Yeah.
But most people probably know what the Mint is.
Is that the one with Brian Dowling?
It's a pigging disgrace is what it is.
It really is.
I mean, you couldn't... You know Robocop?
Yes, I do.
You remember the little bits of TV in Robocop?
I'd buy that for a dollar!
Yeah.
I mean it's worse television than that.
Paul Verhoeven couldn't have thought of anything more appalling than the mint.
I'm convinced though that it's fixed.
Yeah.
What they do is you've got to phone in and they give you a word like the other night it was big blank.
and you've got to guess what the word is the phone calls cost about a million pounds they make it sound as if no one's calling in but really they've got millions and they're drip feeding them on it's just them it's misery and it really should be stopped well i was watching it the other night and i thought um i'd had a couple of uh gin and tonics and i thought i'm gonna do a crank phone call and i'm gonna
Were you on your own, were you?
Yeah, I was on my own.
I thought, you know I haven't done a crank phone call for a while, I think I should do a crank phone call to the mitt.
And so I started dialling, and I couldn't get through, so I put it on redial, so I had another gin and tonic, and put it on redial, and after a while, I realised I'd redialed like about 20 times.
And it hadn't picked up?
Hadn't picked up, and each time I'd been, no it had picked up, and it said, thanks for your call, sorry you haven't been lucky this time.
But they charged you?
They charged you.
it's sickening it makes me really angry I love TV and I especially love late night TV it's a place to put weird stuff and they've killed it but anyway I'm convinced it's fixed because the other night basically I think they decide who they want to win they don't have a list of words they just choose them randomly because the thing the other night was big blank yeah right someone called in with Big Apple yeah no wasn't on the list Oh someone then called in with Big I
They won 5,000 pounds.
I'm not joking big eye Since when was that an expression?
The mint is bent as a... It makes me feel ill.
Big lamp I could understand if that had one.
You know, look at that big lamp.
Yeah, but big eye
What's that?
It makes me sick.
It's rubbish.
It's tragic.
The mint mansion, those tacky sound effects.
What are they?
Chris said like sheep and Chris, the engineer here at XFM is going for a job there.
He might operate the sound effects.
That's tragic.
And if you do, man, you've got to get us some inside news.
I'm going to carry on trying to make a crank phone call.
I want to seriously want to bring the mint down somehow.
I think it must be against the law.
Surely there's ITC regulations against just ripping off the public.
Well occasionally those quiz channels, I can't talk about them meant specifically, but occasionally those quizzes do get busted.
Oh I tell you what, I tell you what, here we go.
Look, I looked at the rules on the ITV website and the rules say releasing answers, if you look at the small print, neither the promoter nor the producer is under any obligation to release information relating to game answers or methods of solution other than the information given by the presenter on air.
So it's totally arbitrary basically.
So basically you're not allowed to ask them?
Yeah.
Now that's a rip-off.
I tell you one thing I heard from someone who actually got through and got the right answer to one of these things, and was told that they'd won 500 quid.
They were given a reference number to claim their prize, and the reference number is about 20 digits and letters and stuff.
It's all like, you know, P F Q 1 0.
Right, so when you register a Mackintosh
Yeah, so they're more or less counting on the fact that at one in the morning or whenever you've got through you're in no condition to take down a 20-digit code accurately and you're stuffed more or less.
Anyway, so this guy never got his money from the quiz.
I literally want to find out where they film it, go there and burn it down.
really think I wouldn't mind serving some time you reckon I think that I think I'd be a hero in the clink what about Dowling though I'd kick his face oh come on he's nice Brian he might be nice but get off the mint might as well be Satan's foot soldier I'm angry come here you really
Hey, listen, we've only got two minutes left.
Is that it for the X-list?
I've never seen you so steamed up, Joe.
It's exciting.
It's like the younger you back again.
Oh, I feel invigorated.
I think that is it for the X-list, yeah.
So can I just give two little plugs?
Go on then.
First of all, our podcast, if you go to xfm.co.uk or iTunes, you can get the Adam and Joe podcast.
This show should be up there soon.
There's nine episodes of the best of the Adam and Joe podcast.
We're sitting at number six in the national podcast chart.
Yeah, and we should say that we fillet the shows to go in the podcast.
It's not the whole thing.
only the good bits and we put some extra stuff on there as well so yeah there's always extra stuff it's completely free so go and subscribe to that and you might enjoy it you might hate it it's worth a try and also telly this week check out on tuesday night on channel 4 11 o'clock modern toss uh it's a kind of aggressive weird uh mr men for grown-ups uh it's one of the most visually beautiful things been on telly for a while and very funny and different and unique and you were involved with it i i helped direct some of the pilot but i didn't have anything to do with this series oh you didn't have anything to do no no no
No, no, no.
But it's brilliant.
Check it out.
11 o'clock Tuesday, modern toss.
Can't wait.
Thanks very much for listening.
See you next week.
Bye.
Love you.
Bye.