Oh dear, music for sailors here on XFM.
That's brilliant stuff though, isn't it?
The raconteurs with steady as she goes.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM for the next two hours, 55 minutes.
We've got amazing stuff in the show today, Joe Cornish.
Do we?
Yeah, it's extraordinary.
What?
We've got the best prizes we've ever given away.
Really?
Yeah, look at them.
Where are they?
A Sony PSP.
Wow, that's good.
And five Loco Roco goodie bouts.
Yeah, Loco Roco's a PSP game with little coloured blobs.
Right.
What, like, go around and collect things?
And here's the prize that I think is better than that.
Two pairs of tickets to the Ben & Jerry's Sunday, spelt like a ice cream sundae, on either Saturday the 29th or, you know, and there's gonna be music from Badly Drawn Boy.
Why didn't you say, or Sunday the 30th?
Because I got bored.
On Clapham Common?
Of the dates.
That's good.
What is that?
A giant bucket of, er, ice cream?
Yeah, it'll be... That everyone swims in?
Exactly.
You'll be sliding around on ice cream on Clapham Common.
That's brilliant.
With live music from Badly Drawn Boy, Jose Gonzalez, Echo and the Bunnymen, The Wonder Stuff and more.
Wow.
That's amazing.
So we're giving that stuff away if you win one of our competitions this afternoon.
We're going to have a celebrity regression therapy competition in a bit, some text competitions, plus the usual mix of lively topical chitchat and controversial opinions from
from Joe.
Really?
That's news to me.
But listeners, don't forget that the last hour of the show between noon and one is composed entirely of your requests.
You can kind of control the playlist.
So it's never too early to get your requests into 83 XFM by text or via email to adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk and the phone number for the competitions is 0871 222 1049.
You'll have to have that standing by if you want to win the PSP or the PSP goodie bags.
of course we've got great music to play throughout the show apart from that and here's some of it this is the arctic monkeys
There they go.
That's the killers with all these things that I've done.
And before that, of course, you heard Mardi Bump by the Arctic Monkeys.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Hello.
Now, regular listeners might know that Adam and I are slightly obsessed with the idea that culture is running out of words, right?
Not smiley culture.
He'll never run out of words.
But, you know, pop culture, they're running out of things to call things that haven't been used before, right?
Yeah.
Band names are running out.
Product names are running out.
Movie names are running out.
Like, movie names have to be really long now.
Harry Potter and the Easter egg of doom.
Yeah.
Pirates of the Caribbean and the curse of the whatnot.
The big chest of the Nazis.
Colons, semi-colons.
So anyway, I've got some more evidence to support this theory in the field of product names.
First of all, the Nintendo Wii.
What's that?
Well Nintendo are bringing out a new console this Christmas.
Yeah.
It's kind of got a new type of controller that is like a wand.
And it's movement sensitive and you wave it around.
Yeah.
So in a fishing game you can use it like a rod.
That's a good idea.
In a conducting game you can use it like a baton.
Uh huh.
Yeah.
Just let your mind wander with that for a bit.
Yeah.
Especially on the Japanese market.
But anyway, they've decided to call it the Wii.
It's spelled W-I-I because the two I's represent two people playing.
Right.
And Wii sounds like us play together.
Yeah.
Also sounds like having a Wii, obviously.
Exactly, yeah.
Mainly to me it sounds like having a Wii.
Was greeted by derision in video game circles in the UK.
How can they call it Wii?
They might as well call it another word for Wii, which would be more, you know, reflect more badly on the console.
Well, the PS Poo.
But Nintendo say that once people get over the initial shock of it being called Wii, people will come to accept it.
You know, you only giggle about that for like 20 minutes.
I don't know, man, I can giggle for quite a while about that.
I think they might have a point.
I think it's effective because you remember it because it's shocking.
Yeah.
And then you get over it.
And there you go, they've got into your head.
That kind of marketing arrogance, people just sort of thinking, if we shove something crap out there for long enough, people will eventually get used to it.
Nintendo, Nintendo are nice.
Yeah.
They're all cuddly.
Equally nice are Sony, of course, because we're giving away the PSP.
We can't show any bias.
But I think it's a clever tactic, and it's a way of kind of using ruder words, you know, words that wouldn't have previously been used, to make up for this shortfall in words.
OK, yeah.
So along these lines, I've noticed, and you might notice this if you're around London today, there's a new, reinforced fruity drink.
It's got, like, protein.
I don't know, it might not have protein, but you know, it's got, like, good stuff.
Er, what's good?
I don't even know what's good.
Calcium?
Yeah, calcium, exactly that.
It's got as much calcium as milk, but it's a fruity drink.
Yeah.
And it's called Aids.
It has it spelt.
A-D-E-Z.
That's probably pronounced ad-ares.
But it reads, A-D-E-Z, AIDS.
Yeah?
That's not too abstract a reading of that spelling.
No.
Is there an accent over the E?
Nope.
No accent?
It's just a big glass of AIDS.
See, if I was a big glass of AIDS... Are you feeling down?
I'll get you a glass of AIDS.
Why not have a nice bit of AIDS?
What are they playing?
They can't call a drink AIDS.
A-tez AIDS?
No, that's insanity.
And it's all over the buses all over London.
Right.
I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if, like in a week or something, you saw the same ad and there was an accent there.
So it was definitely ad-es.
Ad-es.
That's what I would say.
I'd say, look, OK, you can call your drink aides if you want, but let's just avoid it a little bit.
Let's move it away from the catastrophic condition.
Maybe it's...
putting an accent on it.
Maybe it's the same technique, though.
You know, a shocking word.
Well, you know, there used to be a slimming pill that you could take called AIDS, and that was pronounced.
It was A-Y-D-E-S, I seem to remember.
Something like that.
Or even A-Y-D-S.
And the advert and everything just sort of said, take AIDS.
And it was around the time that the AIDS crisis began in the UK, or people were aware of it anyway.
So it was a kind of a horrible irony that they were slimming pills.
And they were called AIDS.
You know, so they had to remove them eventually.
Well, I just think it's very surprising that they'd call a drink that.
Keep a look out for it if you're around town today.
And, you know, maybe someone could try some.
Maybe someone's got some.
Yeah.
Tell us how they're feeling.
Yeah.
After having some.
Some delicious, yeah.
That's it.
That's the theory.
Wow.
Well, I think that's true.
If anyone else has noticed anything similar, then do give us a shout.
You can always email us, adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk, or text us 83XFM.
We'd love to hear your new names, new theories.
Yeah.
It's competition time coming up in a second.
It's celebrity regression.
The number's going to be 08712221049.
So stay tuned.
We're gonna play some music, then some ads, and then some more music, then come back with competition.
But right now, here's a free play.
Joe's gonna introduce this one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is, uh, ah, where's the box?
What have you done with the box?
Yeah, this is, uh, called Didn't I. It's by a guy called Durando.
He's a kind of singer, you know?
Really?
From, uh, he was around in San Francisco in the early 70s.
Uh, are we gonna do adverts after this?
Yeah.
Yeah, OK.
Well, uh, there we go.
That's all I'm gonna tell you.
But this is really nice.
It's called Didn't I.
That's my impression of the strokes.
I thought that was still the record.
No!
Yeah, you see, that was... That was amazing.
It was seamless, and you thought it was still the record.
Did you really?
Yeah, I did.
Did you see that they were showing highlights from Tea in the Park last night on telly?
Did anyone watch them?
Strokes were playing.
Were they?
Were we in the picture?
No, no, it was in Scotland.
Oh, Tea in the Park.
I thought you said the wireless festival.
No, I didn't.
I said Tea in the Park.
Right, different.
Use different words.
Wireless.
Tea in the Park.
They sound completely different.
OK, now I understand.
I've got nothing more to say about it, though.
Now listen, it's competition time.
You could win a DVD or tickets to a show You just never know So sharpen up your brain and get ready to play!
And it's celebrity regression therapy time.
What are we going to give away?
We're not going to give away the PSP.
That will be too premature.
Here's what we're going to give away.
Now this, this might be too obscure for people to enjoy, but anyway, cut a long story short, one of my favorite bands, Tortoise, right?
Like one of the ultimate sort of post-rock bands, um, that a lot of XFM, this is a surprise you've paid for.
Yeah.
Is it?
Yeah.
Go on, tell us.
You know, like a lot of bands are playing their classic album right the way through now.
Yeah, that's the latest thing.
Yeah.
So Tortoise's classic album.
Do you say Tortoise or Tortoise?
You say Tortoise.
I know, but I'm... Most people say Tortoise.
Do they?
Yeah.
OK.
So, Tortoise.
They're playing their classic album, Millions Now Living Will Never Die.
in at Coco on Tuesday the 25th of July and I bought four tickets just on spec because I thought I'm gonna go and see that because that'll be amazing millions now living will never die that's like one of the most influential albums of the last ten years or something and I'm just gonna buy three extra tickets as well I'll find some mates you know they'll be like gold dirt I won't be able to give these things away what what am I talking about no I will be able to give them away
Anyway, I forgot.
I forgot that I wasn't even going to be around.
I'm going to visit my mum on that day.
Oh, no.
Yeah, she comes out of hospital.
That's the power of the mum.
Exactly.
I thought it'd be a good son.
Yeah, you've got to be at mum's bedside.
Exactly, on the 25th of July.
So... So you're going to give them away for the celebrity regression?
I'm going to give them away, all paid for by Adam Buxton from my own pocket.
That's amazing.
Yeah.
Have they got your, like, bank account number on them?
Credit card number.
No, I've taken that off.
That's a shame.
But £15 each they were, so that's a total of £60 I've spent on the... That's what you're going to give away all for?
Yeah.
That's like a family outing.
Exactly.
If your little kids are into tortoise.
Oh, it's going to be an amazing evening.
Very least, you're going to be able to hang out in Coco, which is a lovely venue.
If you've never heard of tortoise, like, we might give away the Ben and Jerry's giant ice cream swimming session.
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Alternatively.
But now it's time to do celebrity regression.
If you're new to our Saturday morning slot and you haven't heard this quiz before, what happens is we regress Adam using a technique painted by... Toyah Wilcox.
Was it Phil and Fern or Toyah Wilcox?
I think Toyah Wilcox developed it and Phil and Fern did the final tweet.
Yeah.
This is a, you know, medically, scientifically proven method of mental regression.
Adam will go into the mind and movies of a famous film star and he'll wake up, he'll be in a trance state, he'll witness some of the scenes from that film happening around him and he'll describe what he sees.
You have to listen carefully and as soon as you can guess the name of the star whose body Adam is inhabiting and the names of the film he's in, call 0871 222 1049 and you could win those tickets.
So we ring the regression bell to get the correct...
New Age atmosphere.
That's nice.
So everyone very relaxed.
And Adam, take a deep breath.
And relax.
And drift back, clear your mind.
Imagine you're on a desert island in space.
And now, clear that from your mind, there's nothingness.
Complete blankness.
back into the mind of a Hollywood star.
And now wake up and tell us what you see.
Oh, I'm in a great big tent with my dad.
It's cold outside, at least I think it's cold, I think it's snow, but it's all just bits floating around, so it could just be atmospheric fluff floating about for no reason like in King Arthur or Legend.
Anyway, me and my dad have gone camping with some mates.
I say camping, it's more like a campaign, like a kind of military campaign.
But anyway, it's going well, and we're in a tent, and we're having a chat about some stuff that my dad's got, which I want.
But he's saying he's not gonna give it to me, so I'm thinking about strangling him until he's dead.
I mean, you know, it seems a bit much, but I am a bit much, so I think I will strangle him until he's dead, and then I can get the stuff.
There we go, that's film number one.
0871 2221049, the moment you recognise the film and the star.
Let's hear film number two.
Ab, wake up, tell us what you can see.
Oh, I'm in a little room backstage somewhere.
I'd just done a concert and it were okay, quite good.
But there were a girl I fancied and I asked her out on stage and she said no.
And I got angry and now I'm all drunk up and on drugs too.
And I just smashed up the room and I ripped the basin off the well and now I'm having a bit of a cry.
And I'll probably tell someone about the basin later, because there's water going everywhere all over the room because of the smashed basin.
So I'll need the plumber, you know, but you won't see that.
The scene just ends here with me crying on the floor.
Adam's gone back into his trance.
Here's the third and final film.
Remember, as soon as you know who it is, 0871-222-1049.
Ad, wake up.
Tell us what you can see.
I'm in the little cupboard with me mate.
I'm hiding from an alien man.
He wants to come in the cupboard but he can't because we haven't seen him so far and it's dead exciting and so if he did come in it would just be like oh there's a crap alien man and now that would be a shame so we're keeping him out outside the cupboard by shoving a knife under the door and waving it about but the alien man doesn't like it so he's going.
Unfortunately, later on, he comes into the room and you see him and it is a bit crap.
But right now, it's all dead exciting.
There we go.
Adam's going to remain in his hypnotic trance until somebody calls 08712221049 and rescues him from the nightmare of being trapped inside the mind in the films of a Hollywood star.
For God's sake, call now!
There we go, that's Primal Scream with dolls.
You join us in the midst of celebrity regression.
Adam's been regressed into the mind and films of a Hollywood star.
That's the sound of the sound he makes when he has done that.
There we go.
And we've got a caller on the line who reckons she knows the name of the star in the films.
What is she called, Bella?
Yes.
Hello, Bella.
Hello, how are you?
Very well, how are you doing?
I'm very well, thank you, very well indeed.
You know, Adam and me are a bit knackered and hungover.
Yeah, you sound it actually.
How are you feeling?
I'm absolutely knackered and hungover.
Are you?
What were you doing to make you knackered and hungover?
Erm, there was a friend's birthday last night, but we're going out to a barbecue again.
It's sort of elongated birthday party, so... Elongated?
That sounds painful.
It is indeed.
So listen, Adam's in his regress state.
Can you hear these little noises, listen?
Did you hear that one?
I did.
Oh, it's getting a bit fragrant in here.
So, um, what was that?
So listen, um, so what I'd like you to do now is say the name of the star who you think he was regressed into.
If you're correct, he'll wake up.
If you're wrong, Bella, he will stay in this state forever.
Oh dear.
Are you, are you okay?
Can you carry that responsibility?
Yes, it was Joaquin.
Now, can you tell us the films though, Bella?
That's the question.
The first one, Gladiator.
Second one, Walk the Line.
I didn't hear the clues to the third one because I was on the phone.
I got the third one.
Was it signed?
It was signs.
Absolutely, yeah.
Gladiator was the scene at the beginning, of course, where he gets rid of his dad, Richard Harris, was it?
Someone like that.
And, of course, walk the line.
He does a, you know, he asks the girl out on stage.
He asks, what's her name?
I ain't seen it.
River Phoenix, big jaw.
Reese Witherspoon.
There you go.
And she says no and he gets depressed.
He takes a whole bunch of pills and rips the sink off the wall.
Good film, Walk the Line.
Much better than I expected.
You've spoiled it now.
You've ruined it, Adam.
No, it's not a pivotal plot point.
And of course, Signs.
The best scene in Signs.
I like Signs.
People reckon Signs is rubbish, but I loved it.
No, science is kind of 80% amazing, but then the last 20% is so extraordinarily bad that it sort of undoes it.
I liked it.
Did you really like it right the way through?
Yeah.
What did you make of science, Bella?
I've not watched it.
Have you not?
Oh, it's definitely worth a look.
Yeah, it's good.
Yeah, no, it's good.
But have you seen M. Night Shamayamalan's other films?
He's the king of the twist.
He's the king of the easily predictable twist.
The village was one of his other ones.
Unbreakable.
And of course he made his name with the sixth sense.
Oh, that one.
That one I've seen.
Yeah, yeah.
That's the one most people have seen.
He's got a new one out.
Has he?
The lady in the water.
Has it got a twist in it?
Yes.
It's supposed to be a stinker.
He loves to twist.
Apparently, yeah, it's gonna terminate his career, they say.
No.
Yeah, apparently it's a stinker.
They've said that about the last three ones, haven't they?
Anyway, listen, Bella, what would you like, prize-wise?
I don't know, what have you got to give me?
Okay, we've got tickets.
You don't sound... I mean, this is a bit, you know, prejudicial.
You don't sound like a tortoise fan.
I'm not a tortoise, is it?
Tortoise or tortoise?
Well, that's what I was saying.
I usually say tortoise.
Joe says tortoise.
Yeah, yeah.
The alternative is tickets to a kind of very enjoyable sounding festival on Clapham Common.
And there's lots of really good bands playing.
Yeah, Ben and Jerry's Sunday on the 29th or the 30th.
Badly Drawn Boy, Jose Gonzalez, Echo and the Bunnymen, The Wonder Stuff.
Sounds cool.
OK, we'll send you a pair of tickets to that, Bella.
Lovely, thank you.
And you can have another tiring weekend.
Thank you so much for calling in, we really appreciate it.
Thanks, you have a great weekend.
Yeah, cheers.
Take care, bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Settle and join XFM, we'll be right back.
I think of the Zutons as being a little bit like their commitments.
Yeah, from that film, The Commitments.
Yeah, exactly.
Like a big band of kind of merry travelling people.
That's slightly insulting, who play covers.
Yeah, and they're from like a... they've got funny accents.
And they swear a lot.
Doesn't The Commitments have the most swearing in any film ever apart from Five Million Ways to Die?
Yeah, it is a swearing classic.
Definitely.
It's one of those films you can enjoyably chop all the swearing together and it'll make a good five minute little compilation.
Yeah, funny how everyone's forgotten their commitments.
It was so big at the time but now no one cares about it.
Oh, it's one of those films that pops up on TV from time to time and it's always enjoyable to see.
Yeah, but so does the worst film in the world.
What is the worst film in the world?
That's another conversation.
That was Valerie by the Zootons incidentally.
Can I talk a little bit more about weird packaging?
Oh yeah yeah yeah.
If you're in your kitchen at the moment you might be able to contribute to this but I've noticed something weird happening on food design.
You know in the old days you'd get say a tin of
Like, for instance, here I've got a tin of Spanish mandarin orange segments.
Well... You'd read the label and it would say, remove from can, place in a non-metallic container, keep refrigerated, consume within 24 hours.
Yeah.
Right, utilitarian.
The facts.
Bold, strip down the facts.
Absolutely.
These days, food boxes are getting like magazines.
You know, it's like people are writing articles on them.
And it, I think, started with innocent smoothies.
Basically, what I'm saying is, is food packaging is getting annoying.
It's getting too much personality.
It's getting personal.
Yeah.
It's getting like magazine articles.
Like innocent smoothies.
You pick up an innocent smoothie and it says, the perfect smoothie for summer, the season of flip flops, freckles and rained off barbecues.
On the front of the label.
And there's another I think maybe it's PJ smooth PJ smoothies When you turn it on its side to look at the ingredients and it kind of goes oops You turn me on my side.
That means you want to know what's in me.
Well, hey, I'm nothing but crushed goodness and don't doubt it Exclamation marks and I've noticed that even Sainsbury's have started doing this on their own brand smoothies No, it used to just have the ingredients and some basic sort of
utilitarian lines now it's all speech bubbles and it says wow there are approximately 59 of me in this smoothie in a speech bubble coming out of a raspberry that's lame so it gets worse and worse uh like there's a what have you got that
On the Baxter's soup label, this is what you get.
Baxter's favourites, French onion soup, and then in quotes on the back it says, I learned the secret of this full-flavoured classic from Provence.
We make it with masses of onions and sherry and cider vinegar.
My favourite compliments for this soup are a warm fire, a slice of toasted French bread topped with melted gruyere.
Delicious signed Audrey Baxter Audrey Baxter is can that be true?
I mean, that's that's sort of a more traditional way of doing it doing the quote from the person Yeah, Paul Newman or whoever right doing the sauce You know sort of saying I like to sometimes get completely off my head on beer and use my special pasta sauce to spread all over my face What do you like doing with it?
You know that kind of little don't you think just a little bit farther?
I think certainly
Yeah, but I mean that's the beginning of it and then innocent and people like that and the Sainsbury's people, they're pushing it into a much creepier area which is trying to give what they see as being something too impersonal a bit more personality.
Yeah, make it like as if the food is your friend.
Exactly.
Here's the worst one I could find.
This is from goo chocolate puds.
Do you know goo?
Oh yeah.
This like kind of expensive pudding you can get in supermarkets.
Looks nice.
They come in, they are quite pretty tasty.
They come in these massive glass jars that you can wash and use for other things.
store paper clips double prezi but on the back it says goo chocolate puds goo chocolate extremists with a good dollop of fun call us crazy cheesemongers but this really works what we popped a creamy baked vanilla cheesecake beneath a thick layer of our gooey chalk truffle with a crumbly biscuit they've got omelettes on the more we use with a crumbly biscuit base mmm yumbalina
Yumbelina?
Yes.
That's by no means acceptable.
Yumbelina.
Serve chilled and goo-thle.
There we go.
And underneath it says, have we met you yet?
Why not swing by www.goopoods.com and let us know what you think.
Oh no.
That's the worst one.
If you've got a more annoying bit of blurb on the side of a packet, give us a call.
0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine.
You can read it out to us and we'll give you a prize.
That's an annoying name as well, though, goo.
Because it's supposed to be like good, isn't it?
But it's just like, ooh, goo.
Yeah, but it's gooey, like they're gooey puddings.
Right, right.
But I'm imagining that they're going for good as well.
It's got a touch of the spinal tap though, hasn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
Because, you know, there's a sandwich manufacturers and they call themselves FUGO.
Like, because it's food on the go.
FUGO.
That makes me feel weak whenever I see that packaging.
It's going to be news time very soon, ladies and gentlemen, so stick with us.
But first, here's a free play.
This is Frank Black.
Hey, that's enjoyable, isn't it?
That's The Kooks, where she moves in her own way.
I've got that album, and it's one of those albums I got, and then just- I've got it!
I've got it, right?
I've got an album!
I just didn't listen to it!
No, why?
Why did you get it and not listen to it?
I got it!
Well, I did, I- It's like buying a book and not reading it.
I skimmed through it, but it was one of those albums that, um, I was saying to a friend the other day, you know, I was thinking a good sketch would be, you go and you buy a record, and you put it on, you're really excited about it, you've been told to buy it by the enemy or whoever,
Yeah.
You stick it on and you listen to the first track and it's just a horn going wop wop wop and then you just put it onto the next track and it's a horn going wop wop wop and then track three wop wop wop and it's just like that right the way through the album because that's what listening to a lot of albums is like, you know what I mean?
You're all excited.
Well you're listening to too much horn music.
And then wop wop wop.
I'm concerned that there was twice as much information about Cheryl Tweedy as there was about the Middle East in the news It's that it's Hezbollah.
That's the I'll tell you why there's a war cuz I'm Hezbollah All right, you this is Adams George Bush impression.
It's not very good.
It isn't they should launch Cheryl Tweedy into the Middle East.
Yeah
She'd soon get them all just polishing their nails and doing their hair.
She sounded pretty angry.
She sounded angrier than George Bush about the whole wedding planner situation, didn't she?
I didn't listen.
She said, you know, I mean, you hire the wedding planners, you pay them all the money, and then they really don't do very much at all.
You end up having to do most of the work.
That makes me angry.
She was livid.
So listen, is it text competition time?
I think we should have a text competition, yes.
And this week I was thinking about, um, about, about petty crime, Joe Cornish.
Now you were always thinking about petty crime.
That's true.
Do you think, do you think of me as a bit of a crim?
No.
Okay.
Good, good.
Uh, cause you know, I, I've done, I've done a bit of, uh, I've done a bit of theft in my time.
Now, we're not talking about real theft, right?
No, absolutely not.
We're talking about kind of childhood petty theft, right?
Yeah, these are crimes that you commit sort of on a kind of instinctive basis.
And we don't condone it.
In fact, if you enter this text competition, we might pass your details onto the coppers.
Yeah, exactly.
We certainly don't want to hear about any kind of stealing from people's houses or anything like that.
We're just talking about low-level criminal activity.
Hit us with your story, Adam.
Well, my introduction to the shady world of crime came when I suppose I must have been about...
uh four or five this is one of my formative memories right earliest memories that i've got stashed away in my brainium and we were at the corner shop this is in the days when my ma and pa used to i know the corner shop yeah
So we lived in Earl's Court and we were at the corner shop.
My dad was buying some cigs.
And I know that I was incredibly young because the only shelf I could see was the absolute bottom shelf.
I couldn't see anything above that.
And that's where all the sweeties were.
And someone had knocked a packet of Wrigley Spearmint gum off the shelf and it was just lying on the floor.
Calling your name.
Yeah, and I was the only one down there at that level.
I was looking at it, I was thinking,
Free cum!
It's not on the shelf.
And I remember very clearly the logic process that I used to lie to myself to justify this theft.
Because even at that stage I knew that it would be stealing.
But I remember thinking, it's fallen off the shelf.
They don't want it anymore.
It's broken.
And they can't sell that.
Yeah, the floor is no man's land.
Isn't that actually legally true?
I think that anything on any floor, anywhere, is anybody.
If it's on a shelf, it's different, it belongs to the owner, but generally the floors are free.
They're like beaches, you know, and the sea.
That's what Ronnie Biggs said in his defence, I believe.
He was on the floor!
Look at old Phil on the floor!
What's the problem?
Is there a problem?
He was on the floor!
So anyway cut a long story short.
I shoved the the wriggles in my pockets and Got home and went into went into my room And you know and I was fairly brazen about it because I didn't believe I'd committed a massive crime, but my dad though you had I've done a better stealing of wriggles and my dad found me and
uh, happily chomping some, uh, wriggles.
Tricky to get rid of the evidence, right?
Yeah.
Chew it.
You shouldn't swallow it either, because it just comes out the other end exactly the same.
Exactly.
And the police can forensic it.
Yeah.
And he said, where did you get this gum?
I didn't buy you any chewing gum.
You're not allowed gum.
And I, I said, it was enough.
Oh, I got it.
And it was on the, on the floor.
It was broken.
And he said, you've just stolen something.
This is stealing, Adam.
You stole this.
You didn't pay for it.
We could go to prison.
If the police found out, you could go to prison.
There are kids in prison for stealing gun.
Yeah.
And, you know, they come out and they're all... I think there's a Wrigley's prison.
That's right.
Yeah.
And they're all messed up when they come out.
And apparently, yeah, it's awful in the Wrigley's prison.
There's gum everywhere.
There is gum everywhere.
Anyway, so I was very freaked out.
And to make his point even more forcefully, my dad burned the gum.
Your dad always does weird things at the end.
Why did he burn the gum?
Gum's not even flammable, is it?
Well, exactly.
It took ages.
All the gum kind of... I sat there.
It's like a sort of a hellfire response, isn't it?
It's like he's a Baptist minister.
That's right.
You shall not chew the gum!
Watch it burn, my thieving friend!
And then consider whether you'd like some more wringlies!
Watch the gum melt, and the foil fail to burn, and then consider!
And that's what it was like.
The foil just went all charcoal-y, and the gum just kind of...
melted and gummed up.
It had a kind of barbecue flavour, it was even nicer.
It smelt minty.
Did it?
It still smelt minty.
Minty flames.
Yeah.
And the minty flames went on for ages.
Mint flavoured flames.
Double any other length of gum I would say if it was burned.
Anyway, so I'm curious to know if anybody else has... So this is kind of like the most pathetic thing you've ever stolen.
Is it?
Or is it like the thing you stole as a child that made you understand that stealing was wrong?
Because I stole a Batcopter.
Did you?
Yeah, from a little shop in a place called Bampton in Devon.
Batcopter's bigger than Wriggles, come on.
It wasn't that... Well, yeah, it wasn't that big a Batcopter.
How old were you?
About seven, eight.
And I nicked it successfully, got out of the shop, went to play with it, but it wasn't enjoyable playing with it.
No.
It was miserable.
It's a dirty copter.
I felt I'd betrayed Batman as well.
Yeah.
You know?
Because he stands for truth and justice and stuff.
Exactly.
And I was a thief, so I stamped on it.
Did you crush the copter?
Yeah, I stamped on it.
Because it was so unenjoyable playing with it.
I destroyed it.
That's what that's what crime is like folks, you know, it's no fun Unless you're if you don't feel that guilt then you could it might be a good idea to make a career of it Yeah, but if you do feel that guilt, it's probably not for you.
You don't feel that guilt You know, that's that's you're going to end up in in prison picking up soap, you know Yeah, so there we go.
Call us with your most put don't call Well, you could call us if your story's really good text us It's a text competition eight three XFM text us with your most feeble theft
And we'll give a prize to the most feeble.
The PSP is still up for grabs, a Sony PSP.
Plus we've got four special game packs of this game, Loco Roco, that's a really good new game for the PSP.
And it's got a copy of the game and a really nice Loco Roco t-shirt.
We've got four of those to give away.
So get texting.
We've also got tickets to the fantastic video extravaganza that is Antenna at the NFT.
Antenna is taking place on the 20th.
uh of this month and that's next thursday right that's right yeah a one-off special show dedicated to the art of the performance video are the nft is this yeah the nft it's always an amazing night uh and i highly recommend it if you've never been before but if you have of course you'll know that it's a peach and you'll want some free tickets we've got them to give away but let's play some music right now this is uh editors with blood
Ooh!
Yeah, if you're not awake after that monstrous rock workout, then you're dead.
Boy Kill Boy with Civil Sin.
Before that you heard Editors with Blood.
This is XFM, London's 104.9.
This is Adam and Jo in control of the good ship XFM.
And our show here on a Saturday morning is officially...
the most successful radio show of all time.
Is that true?
No.
Oh.
But my mum thinks so.
Really?
Yeah.
So there you go, that's something.
That is something.
We're here for another hour and 35 minutes.
Don't forget, in the final hour of the show, between noon and one, we take your requests.
Every record we play is a request.
So do text or email adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk or text 83XFM with your requests.
And it's time to continue our text competition.
We've been talking about pathetic thefts, the most feeble things you've ever stolen.
It's mostly childhood thefts.
And we've had an enormous outpouring
of guilt, of a confessional outpouring from our listeners.
We remind you again, we're in no way condoning or encouraging theft.
And we don't want to hear from any creeps who've kind of nicked bikes or broken into houses.
We want the most pathetic theft.
And here's a good one.
Adam and Joe.
I once stole a cricket magazine from an age concerned jumble sale.
The thing is, it was a really old one and I don't even like cricket.
I think it was a spur of the moment craziness and I did get a buzz.
That's the bit I like best.
An old cricket magazine from an age concerned jumble sale.
That is a pathetic theft because that's got no material value really, has it?
They should almost pay you for getting rid of it.
And then he didn't, presumably he didn't even read the mag.
He says, I feel better now.
I've shared it from all those years ago.
And that's from Dave H. in sunny Sydenham.
Hello Dave, thanks for that.
Yeah, thanks a lot Dave.
And did you have any other little encounters with theft along the way Joe?
What me personally?
Yeah.
Oh man, yeah, a lot, a lot.
I used to, in fact, there's some I can't even say.
Really, because they're ongoing cases.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll tell you one thing I used to do, right, which was pretty rotten, and I always felt a bit bad about it, was again, when my ma used to smoke cigs, she would send me, like she would stop the car when we were driving home from school, and I would just jump out and buy, she'd give me like some money to buy cigs.
for her and then sometimes you know using the change I would just load up on penny chews yeah mojos and mojos are the only ones I remember and you know I only buy like 10 or something or six or something
Just with the change and then I'd give her back the wrong change or whatever But I felt so bad about it and I'd go back and I remember just sitting in the garden Chowing down on the chews and she never really found out about it.
Maybe I should tell her
Here's one from Anna in Lewisham.
When I was about five or six, we were doing some cutting and sticking in school, and we had some sequins.
I thought they were amazing, so I shoved a handful into my pocket so I could take them home.
The next day, out of pure coincidence, a policeman came in to give an assembly.
He had handcuffs on his belt.
I was sure he'd come to arrest me.
For the sequins, that is possible, because sequins are valuable.
Oh yeah.
Yeah sequins, they cost about 30 quid a sequin.
Well if they're gold sequins, certainly they're very valuable.
I'm now 20 and the memory still scares me.
What was the last thing you stole then Joe?
The last thing I stole, I would have to think about that.
Do you know what I used to do?
What?
This is pretty bad actually.
I used to make, you know, I used to copy cassettes, like copy albums onto cassette.
Like if a friend bought an album, I would make a copy of it on cassette.
So that's crime number one, right?
Yeah.
Piracy.
Yeah.
Because I'm a pirate.
And then, I'm like a pirate.
and then after that to try and uh make myself feel as if i actually had the real album i would go into a record store and i would steal the inlay cover from the album you know yes i know uh like i would pretend to be just like checking out the credits of who was on the album and then i would buy something else but i wouldn't put the
lay back in the sleeve I would just secrete it in my own shirt or whatever and out of the store I would go always thinking actually no I wouldn't even secrete it I just have it in my hand the logic being at any point if the store detective said to me excuse me what's that in your hand is that the cover of Thomas Dolby's the Golden Age of Wireless what are you doing with it and I would say oh well oh so I was just looking at the credits of the Dolby album and I forgot you forgot exactly
I was never busted for it, but I, you know, I felt bad about it.
Here's a good one from Alan from Rochester.
I stole some WH Smith ink cartridges by accident.
How can you steal something by accident?
Yeah, that's insane.
Anyway, so I stole some WH Smith ink cartridges and then sneak them back in an hour later to pay for them.
because he felt so guilty.
That's good.
That's what gets you actually had to sneak them back in.
Yeah, I like I'm interested to hear the consequences of these criminal actions as well.
Let's keep those texts coming in.
Time for more music right now.
This is another free play.
And this is the police, who I don't believe get played nearly enough on national radio.
And this is doo doo doo da da da after that adverts and some more music.
We'll be back with your texts very shortly.
The sound of stung, stung.
And the police with doo doo doo da da da da.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Don't forget, from 12 o'clock until one o'clock, it's The X-List.
We're going to be playing all sorts of XFM classics.
So do keep your requests and dedications coming in.
You can text us on 83XFM, email us at adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk, or you can even call us, 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9.
We'll be back very soon.
XFM.
Very well done, very well done.
Well done, well done.
The Stains Massive.
You know, they haven't really had that many headlines saying The Stains Massive, have they?
That's hard fire, incidentally, and they come from stains.
Right.
And I just thought they would get more stick about being from stains, but maybe people have more imagination than I do.
I don't know.
it's possible now joe have we got any uh any more petty crime texts we've got lots of petty crime texts yeah i've been filtering through them there are some pretty good ones here's a good technique for young kids when i was a child i used to wear my wellies to the sweet shop and drop sweets down them but the flying saucers would get soggy and stuck to my legs but i still ate them says paul in richmond
And one of my favourite things and a theme that seems to be coming through is people who steal things and then feel incredibly guilty.
Yeah.
Like, for instance, there's someone who I think is anonymous who stole a fiver from his mum.
Right.
Bought an ice cream, had £4 change, felt so guilty that he or she gave the £4 coins to four friends in the woods.
And then they all went into separate areas of the woods and buried them Wow buried the pound coins.
That's amazing That's the lengths that an actual murderer might go to to hide a body.
Yeah, but with coins The film could be called the four coin wood friends
No one would go and see it if it was called that.
Alright then.
The four wood coin friends.
How about this?
Adam and Joe, I once stole a plastic turd from a joke shop and a while later they shut down.
Well, because they went out of business.
Well, possibly.
Margins are very tight in the... Were they selling the plastic turds for thousands of pounds or something?
Basically our whole business plan relied on us selling the last turd for five thousand pounds and it's gone.
Yes, that's exactly what happened.
There's one, I can't find it now, but there's one, there's a certain type of dad or parent who overreacts to any kind, like your dad burning the gun.
There's somebody, I've lost the text now, but he did a very petty crime.
So his dad took him to prison.
Took him to the police station and made the police stick him in a cell to show him what it's like to be in prison for just stealing some sweets or something.
I think that's quite common.
That's the kind of thing that sometimes has the reverse effect, though, and they go into prison and they think, hey, this is exciting.
And then they steal more stuff.
Now, that's insane.
But I guess what I was trying to say is that sometimes those tactics backfire, do you know?
Yeah, yeah.
And you can build up a certain amount of resentment against your parents, and that makes you reoffend.
Is that what happened to you with the gun?
I think so, because I do have slightly light fingers.
Do you?
Yeah, and I've done a little bit of criminals in my time, you know.
Okay.
And I sometimes really have to resist the urge, like I love, but you're like this as well, Joe.
I love free stuff.
Yeah, free stuff is great.
I love free stuff.
And I always want free stuff.
And sometimes if the stuff isn't free, then I feel like I have to make it free by
nicking it and like well here's one thing that you and i got busted for man yeah was do you remember we used to hang out uh of a summer evening or well i say evening we spent all day sometimes on the london underground trying to as we called it liberate film posters from the walls but that was before they had cameras in the underground yeah now they use much more
special glue and you can't do that but in the olden days they used quite rubbish glue and you could like tease a corner of the poster off and in one swift movement you could have that poster rolled up and in your pox you know and then you'd be out but then they put cameras in the underground and we immediately got busted by a sort of nice cop and a nasty cop and they let us off because we were clearly terrified although you were a bit cocky with the cops
Oh yeah.
I was about to cry because I thought we were going to go to prison.
I do like the feelings of guilt though.
Here's another good one.
When I was about six or seven, I was in the natural history.
What?
I was on a natural history school trip.
In the gift shop, I took a key ring gemstone.
I think that's a place where these things often happen.
In a museum gift shop.
Because they've got some very fancy key rings in those places.
It's always busy, there's lots of children around.
Very alluring.
I took a key ring gemstone, a police car seemed to follow the coach all the way home, and I was so sure they'd come to my house, I forced my parents to take me back the next weekend so I could put it back without anyone knowing.
Ah, that's sweet, isn't it?
Well, listen, we're going to announce the winner of this competition maybe after the next track.
Yes.
um but first of all actually we should we should do some ads as well okay this is just a little short ad break at burst good yeah a little adverse actually i better just check yeah it's a little short at burst and i think you're going to enjoy it let's see what you think that's uh lily allen with smile and somebody texted in earlier and said that if we played that there'd be trouble
Oh, come on, it's hard to dislike that song.
It's not my opinion.
It's a listener.
What could you possibly have against that song?
And I'm just saying there might now be trouble.
Yeah.
It's number one, isn't it?
Is it?
Yeah, it's number one, and some people just have an allergic reaction to things that are number one because they're super successful.
And if you're cool, you don't like popular stuff.
No, that's true.
You just immediately reject it as soon as other people like it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, maybe that's what's happening to our podcasts.
Why?
What is happening to our podcasts?
It's been a little slippage.
Adam's upset, listeners, because we've got podcasts of the show that you can access at iTunes or at www.xfm.co.uk.
They're kind of edited highlights with extra stuff as well.
But we've been following their activity in the charts.
They've been in the top 10.
But this week... I'm sort of obsessed by their progress.
We've never been in a chart before.
We've never been in a chart.
And they've been at number five, which is pretty good.
But Adam, you're saying they've gone down to number eight?
a little bit of slippage.
They've gone down to number eight and they've been overtaken by by a French course.
Well I tell you what we're battling at the moment with Scott Mills.
We keep like edging each other up and down the chart.
It's like an arm wrestling edge.
Yeah with Scott Mills and also Tom York there's a sort of EPK for EPK by which I mean sort of electronic press kit.
Yeah.
All about.
Like a little sample of his new album.
Samples and interviews and stuff.
Yeah.
actually, for his new album, The Eraser.
Also there's a whole EPK thing for Pirates of the Caribbean.
And there's like language courses.
Yeah, but language courses are very useful.
Yeah, I know.
If we're even next to a language course, then I think that's a victory.
Do you think so?
Yeah, we should look on the positive side.
All right.
But listen, this text competition, we've been asking you to text in your most pathetic crimes.
And as we here on the Adam and Jo radio show like to discourage any kind of law breaking or illegal activity, our winner is going to be, what's his name?
Dipesh.
Dipesh, hello.
Are you actually from Dipesh mode?
I haven't heard that one before, have I?
Have you not?
Nice, I'm the king!
Oh.
So listen, what we liked about your story, Depeche, is that you're standing up for truth and justice, aren't you?
Because your brother tried to steal something.
Exactly like Batman did.
Yeah, so tell us what happened.
We were in town for clothes.
Hang on, you cut out there.
You were shopping in town for clothes.
Like kids do, you know, you're going back to school.
Oh, Dipesh, you're sort of coming in and out of focus there a little bit.
What are you doing?
Where are you?
Are you in a spinning metal box in there?
Yes.
Get out of the box, man.
Tell your story in two-word chunks, kind of thing.
Give us a couple of words.
Okay, my brother stole from my picking mix.
Yeah.
And then I thought it was bad.
Yeah.
So I told him to my parents.
Yeah.
And they said, well, we can't have this.
You better go back, leave an anonymous note, and put 4p down and say what you stole.
So you told on your brother for stealing four pence worth of sweets, and you were happy that he got made to go back.
Well, when does it stop?
Well, exactly.
It's a slippery slope.
How old were you, Dipesh?
About, I don't know, five or six.
And how old was your brother?
A couple years older.
No, well, he was older.
Did he beat the hell out of you afterwards?
No.
I think he thought I was, you know, keeping him on straight and narrow, and he appreciated it in the long term.
Has this kind of relationship between you and your brother, has it played out in you?
I mean, how old are you now?
Twenty-three.
And so your brother's a couple of years younger.
What are you doing now?
A couple of years older.
Older, sorry.
What am I doing?
Yeah, what do you do for a living?
Are you a student?
A wire.
You what?
You're a wire?
Oh, it's gone again.
He's a wire.
He's a personal wire.
What are you?
Oh, cheapest creepers.
He's a robot man.
Anyway, Dipesh, you win.
What does he win?
Well, he wins anything he wants, really.
He could win tickets to antenna.
What do you want to win, Dipesh?
The what?
What's on offer?
Well, you don't happen to be a tortoise fan, do you, Depeche?
Not really, no.
Do you want to go and see Antenna at the NFT, the video game festival?
No, sorry, pop video festival.
Have you got any free DVDs or CDs?
He wants free stuff.
You can't blame the man.
I tell you what, have you got a PSP, Dinesh?
No, I haven't.
Oh, I was going to give you a game.
Can we give him the PSP?
Hold on.
For being a grass?
What sort of a... Seems a bit much, doesn't it?
...stand with that set?
Well, I don't know, I don't know.
Go on.
All right, come on.
Are we better now that we've dangled it in front of it?
It's a pleasure.
It's your lucky day, you've got the PSP.
And like, it would make up for us encouraging... You know what?
I'll, I'll, I'll say that my brother hasn't...
That's true, man.
You should share it with your brother.
Yeah.
I mean, he won it for you.
He had to write the note and everything.
Exactly, exactly.
So thanks a lot for calling in.
Can you do some demonstrative kind of screaming and shouting as if this is the best thing that's ever happened to you?
No, that's right.
Come on, literally.
Seriously, jump around.
Make a fool of yourself.
Yeah.
You know, not that.
That was it.
He did it.
There you go.
Enjoy your Sony PSP.
Cheers, guys.
pleasure have a good weekend this is Adam and Joe here on XFM it's gonna be news time very shortly first here's the adverts we'll be back with you for the x-list in just a few minutes
Thanks very much indeed.
That's okay, thanks Adam.
That was the most wonderful news I've ever heard about the dripping rubber thing.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM and it's time for The X-List.
Let's kick it off right now with Alabama 3.
That's Alabama 3 with Woke Up This Morning, also of course known to many people as the theme tune from The Sopranos.
Really?
But do they sing or is it an instrumental on The Sopranos?
No, they sing.
The track cuts off about halfway through on The Sopranos.
Sounds like they're Wurzels.
Well, it's morning.
I got myself a gun.
I think they might be British, the Alabama Three.
Really?
I think they're some of these people who are just sort of fascinated by Americana.
Could be wrong about that.
But that's possibly the reason for the Wurzels feel.
Yes, this is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We're here for another 53 minutes, and it is Xlist time.
Every record we play for the rest of the show is requested by you, so text 83XFM with your requests.
We have a caller on the line right now who has a request for us.
Hello, who's there?
Louis.
Hello, Louis, how are you doing?
Not bad, mate, you alright?
Yeah, very good.
What are you up to?
Dossing.
Dossing?
Are you actually in a bin?
No, no, no, no.
Whereabouts are you dossing?
Just to my room at home.
In your room.
It's a nice day man, why aren't you out flying a kite or hitting a ball with a stick?
I'm a night man.
Are you a night man?
I'm interested in your room.
Do you, what's your room like?
It's like a little box with loads of music posters.
Is it?
What posters have you got?
I've got Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album cover.
I've got Led Zeppelin III album cover in the walls.
Nice.
What sort of stuff have you got scattered around the floor there?
Have you got any bits of musical equipment or... Xbox.
Xbox, nice.
I've got an acoustic guitar.
What?
This sounds like an amazing... It sounds like the room of my dreams.
Yeah.
Lots of whiskey.
Oh dear.
Whiskies of whiskey?
That looks like a proper rockbox.
Yeah.
What sort of stuff do you play on your guitar?
Do you make your own songs up or do you just... I've made some of my own stuff up here.
Yeah.
Do you want to give us a quick blast?
No, no, no.
Oh, man.
Hey, listen, do you own a PSP?
I don't, no.
Oh, otherwise we'd send you a game.
We've got these LocoRoco games to give away.
Oh, man.
There's a T-shirt in there as well.
Do you want one anyway and you can give it to someone?
Yeah, go on then.
All right, we'll send you one of those.
What's your request?
It's Aerosmith.
I don't want to miss a thing.
OK, Louis, this one is going out to you.
Thanks a lot for your call.
All right.
Have a good weekend.
Bye.
Thank you.
Here's Aerosmith.
So there's a big meteorite is coming to her.
What are we going to do about it?
We're going to send Bruce Willis up.
He's going to drill a hole in it.
He's going to drill a hole in the meteorite.
Yeah.
It's going to go on for ages.
Only if he can never pay taxes ever again.
So yeah, you're tuned into Fam FM.
Listen, no disrespect Louis, but we've had to intervene on that.
Because we just don't know whether we can condone the theme from Armageddon on the Adam and Joe radio show.
No, exactly.
I mean, it's a step away from playing Everything I Do, I Do It For You by Bryan Adams, isn't it?
Yeah.
I don't understand.
Louis, you've got posters of Led Zepp and the Floyd up on the wall.
How can that fit into your listening spectrum?
Well, maybe he... Yeah, it can.
It does fit.
Does it?
Yeah.
There's only a few degrees of separation.
Between what, the Floyd and the Smith?
Yeah, you know, there's some... If you'd requested Love in an Elevator, that would have been different.
Giving it up as I'm going down.
That's a song.
We should play some Pink Floyd later on in memory of Sid, you know, who died this week.
He did.
That was very sad.
It is sad.
It's one of those deaths that you really genuinely feel... Not that he was particularly visible because he secreted himself in Cambridge.
He secreted himself?
Yeah.
In Cambridge.
He'd made himself... He was a recluse, wasn't he?
He was just living at home.
Yeah, for the last 30 years.
A bit like Louis.
That's right.
Yeah, with a guitar, some whiskey bottles.
Listening to a bit of Aerosmith.
A couple of Floyd posters on the wall.
That's right.
Probably not.
Yeah, perhaps not.
Anyway, yeah, let's dig out some Pink Floyd, some early Pink Floyd to play.
for Sid you know he would have appreciated that he was he loved our show um now let's play a track right now this is Tenacious D oh yeah and this is going out to Mick in Catford what is it what's Mick chosen which one not the Sasquatch song i like the Sasquatch things i want
Well, that's probably good.
Tenacious D, they've got a movie coming out.
It's called The Pick of Destiny.
There was a sneaky illegal online review and apparently it's awesome.
Oh, brilliant.
It's kind of like a musical and the idea is that there's a magical guitar pick that if you look in every photo in the history of great bands... Yeah.
The lead guitarist always has this one magic guitar pick and they go in search of it.
It's supposed to be fantastic.
I'm looking forward to it.
Feature length, proper feature length film.
A feature length film.
Oh, that's fantastic.
And is that better or worse than Nacho Libre, which I hear is OK, but not amazing.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to Nacho Libre.
Yeah, you've got to be pro black, don't you?
Yeah, I'm sure it's great.
Well, this one is going out to Mike in Catford.
He's doing a bit of painting.
So, Mike, enjoy this while you paint.
Wowza.
That's Tenacious D. We're a bit worried about the language he was using in that song.
Was he talking about ships?
Yeah, it was all about ships.
Oh, you want some cool ships?
yeah slightly worrying he no don't worry about it we wouldn't play anything with bad language in it on because it's a family show exactly and we don't really you know my son got back from school the other day using some very colorful language really yeah he used the uh sh1t word did he yeah and he's and then afterwards he said oh pardon my french oh that's good he's good like he's picked it up from somewhere here's the here's the way i think it got to my french that's this only no no he didn't say pardon my french i said
Frank, what did you just say?
He said, oh it's okay, it's French.
Wow.
So I think what's happened is that somebody's mum has sworn and said, oh, pardon my French.
That's exactly right.
And then her son has got to the school.
You want to give that mum a talking to.
Well, I think I know who it might be as well.
Really?
Yeah, when I'm dropping Frank off sometimes.
Maybe you'll get angry with her, and then it'll turn into something hot.
There's a foul-mouthed mum.
Right, yeah, because she's got a potty mouth.
Yeah.
And she's just a pent-up volcano.
And it'll go all disclosure.
Whoa.
Outside the school gates.
I couldn't believe it though.
You know, when a three and a half year old starts using the S word, that was... The world's going to hell in a handcart.
You know, it blows your mind.
I think, you know, I tried not to overreact because otherwise he would just think, oh, I'm onto something here.
And then he'd be effing and blinding all over the show.
Yeah.
Someone's texted in, gosh, this song swears a lot for midday.
Yeah, it does.
Maybe that was.
We'd like to introduce you to our producer, Xanthi.
she's going to be taking a long break she's going to be looking for work if you want a producer at all for your radio show do give her a call you know even if it's just a podcast and you're doing it from your bedroom but you know we're still not sure whether that we think it might have been about ships no it was an american song he's an american man so but we do apologize if anybody misheard that and was in any way offended we sincerely apologize it was an it was an accident of rock in the world of rock you never know what's going to happen an accident of rock we'll be back shortly
It's like the choir of rock.
Yeah, I'd like to hear kids sing that at school.
Blink 182 with Feeling This.
That was dedicated to Alex in Cheshunt.
Is that how you pronounce that or is it Cheshunt?
Dunno.
Ches- Chesney Hunt.
That was for Alex, anyway.
We've got some great music coming up, folks.
Yeah, this is the request.
We're midway through the request hour of the show, so keep your requests coming in to 83XFM.
We've still got some copies of this game, Loco Roco, the PSP game.
It looks great.
Have you played it before?
I haven't, because my PSP's bust.
Is it?
Yeah, the little slot where you put the game in broke.
I'm gonna have to get it mended.
But I did, I bought it.
Did I buy it?
I think I bought it.
Did we get sent it?
I can't remember.
I'd like one of those, you know.
But it's really pretty.
It's got lovely little blobby men with smiley faces and it's supposed to be a great game.
And we've got, listen, we've got so much stuff to give away.
We're overwhelmed with, uh, freeness.
So yeah, so why don't people call in with your requests, 0871 2221049, and you'll be guaranteed a prize if you call in with a request that we can satisfy.
And you get through, that is.
Yeah.
Yeah, we'd love to talk to you.
We've got tickets to Antenna to give away.
Antenna, the marvellous video music festival.
Well, it's kind of a festival, isn't it?
It's just an evening of...
It's a screening of music videos, but it's great.
It happens regularly at the NFT.
They show all the best, most cutting-edge videos.
July 20th is the next one.
If you don't get through and win tickets for that, you can always buy tickets.
They're £8.60 from the NFT box office, and it's an amazing evening.
Well worth it.
Also, I've still got my tortoise tickets to give away, if there are any tortoise fans out there.
All right, fair enough.
I can appreciate that.
They're small in number.
You know, but it's an amazing album.
Millions Now Living Will Never Die.
It's one of the key albums of all time.
Yeah, and if you're a Red Hot Chili Pepper fan, we should tell you that more tickets have just been made available for their gigs tonight and on Monday and Tuesday at Earl's Court.
So if you are unable to get your hands on any and now want to get some, they're available and you can get them through the XFM Exchange.
You just call our main number 08712221049 and select XFM Exchange.
But now let's play a song by the Bixies.
This is going out to Lee.
He's doing the washing up.
Lee, I hope you enjoy this.
It's gigantic.
Fantastic.
Pixies with Gigantic.
If you're a Pixies fan, you know, you should check out this little book.
They've got them in sort of record stores.
They're like little pocket-sized books, all about like a whole book about a classic album.
You know, Pet Sounds or Pixies Doolittle is a good one.
In fact, the one on Pixies Doolittle is brilliant.
It's really good.
And I've read a few of the other ones and they're not quite so good.
The one about OK Computer.
It's the most pretentious thing I've ever read.
In fact, I might bring it in in a few weeks.
That's a good idea.
Yeah, because it is absolutely ludicrous and it just makes you want to never listen to Radiohead again, which is a real shame.
But yeah, I recommend the Pixies one if you're a fan.
It's really, really well written and really enjoyable and informative.
Now we have someone on the line who wants to make a request and what's his name?
His name's Sean.
Hey Sean, how are you doing?
How are you doing?
We're doing fine.
How are you enjoying the show today, Sean?
It's great.
It was nice to hear it since our other day.
Ah, it's very nice of you to say.
Yeah, I've got some news for listeners who are excited about the show.
A couple of them out there.
In a few weeks time, Sean, this might excite you as well.
You know we're gonna launch a new idea in the X-list, right?
We're formulating it now.
We're gonna kind of redesign the X-list hour.
And we're gonna have a kind of a mystery competition thing going on.
It's gonna be amazing.
It'll probably just last for one week and be a disaster.
It'll change the face of radio.
Do you think that sounds exciting, Sean?
That does indeed sound exciting.
Yeah, yeah, we can't give any other information.
Scientists, radio game show scientists are working on it at the moment.
Yeah, it's using some very new technology that we can't really speak about.
But, Sean, what are you up to this weekend?
This weekend, working.
What's your job?
Building.
Doing a bit of building.
What are you building?
Building, I'm doing a bathroom.
Oh, not another bathroom.
Yeah, another bathroom.
Surely there's enough bathrooms around.
It sounds very echo-y, your bathroom.
Yeah, it's an empty space at the moment.
Yeah.
Well, listen, have a good time in the bathroom.
And what are you requesting?
I was after the cure in between days.
We have it for you here.
Enjoy this, Sean.
Cheers.
Thanks for calling in.
The Cure within between days.
You know, I like, what's the lead singer of The Cure called?
Robert Smith.
Robert Smith, there we go.
I like the fact that he still wears all that stuff, doesn't he?
He looks exactly the same.
Yeah, but do you think as he gets older, it's going to start looking increasingly freakish?
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, because at the moment it kind of hides any ageing with a kind of kabuki type mask, right, because he pales himself up.
But when he gets old enough for the wrinkles to really have an impact,
it's gonna start to look very odd, isn't it?
He'll look like a big scary clown.
Yeah.
Well, he does already.
Yeah, but in a kind of cool way.
Maybe it'll be even cooler.
I think it will.
He's one of those people who's, he's just in his own little box and he's gonna carry on just getting cobwebs and stuff on him.
I don't want him to get old.
Sometimes it's depressing when your people you really admire start to get old.
Like I was looking at Paul Weller playing in Tea in the Park last night.
I think it was Tea in the Park.
Is he?
He's pretty craggy, isn't he?
He's quite craggy.
I mean, still a very good looking and brilliant guy.
But I don't know, makes me a bit sad.
David Bowie's looking craggy.
David!
Well, I mean, you know, he's old and he smokes so many cigs.
Yeah.
You know, what's he expect?
Siggy's.
You shouldn't smoke the cigs.
They'll immediately make you go all craggy.
OK, we've got a few more requests coming up before the end of our spot here on XFM this afternoon.
But first, we've got to play some more ads.
Now I'm going to tease the ads, Joe.
All right.
What have we got coming up?
Are you into cycling?
I love to cycle.
We've got a cycling ad.
Well, how can you advertise cycling?
I don't know.
Is that like a public information ad?
We're going to find out.
It just says cycling.
Right.
Also, it says Da Vinci...
Da Vinci Pate, P-A-Y-T, don't know what that is.
It's a new type of Pate, a Da Vinci Code Pate.
I think it might be something to do with Vodafone.
No, no, they're launching a new Da Vinci Code Pate.
Da Vinci Pate.
Yeah, everyone's into the Da Vinci Code, kids love Pate, XFM listeners love a bit of Pate.
There's a promo for Celebrity Love Island, even though it's just called Love Island.
Yeah, because it hasn't really got celebrities.
They don't really qualify as celebrities.
That's good stuff.
That's coming up.
What else have we got?
Something about the blood group O. An advert for the blood group O. Everyone whose blood is blood group O has clubbed together.
They've all put a pound in a bucket, and now they can afford one advert on XFM.
Also... It's probably a song all about how great people with a blood group O are.
Probably, yeah.
Yeah.
Just to boost their self-esteem.
What's your blood group?
Oh.
I don't know what it is.
It's probably O.
And also there's a Fosters ad you know really yeah, that's the one the ones about you know we want it to be cloudy in Australia Yeah, and who would want it to be cloudy?
Because they hate the sunshine because it makes their beer warm yeah and to an Australian That's the worst thing that can happen to you so listen enjoy these folks.
We'll be back soon XFM
That's Weezer with Buddy Holly, going out to Paul Brampton and Sophie.
Hope you enjoyed that one, Paul and Sophie.
It's always a pleasure to hear.
A lovely slice of Weezer.
This is Adam and Joe coming into the last quarter of an hour of our Saturday afternoon show here on XFM.
And we were saying earlier on that we've got some amazing, amazing ideas for how to jazz this final X-list.
We've been given the okay, the green light by the guy that runs XFM to make it more our own.
You know, we can give it a new name and maybe introduce an element of competition.
Yeah, maybe theme the songs.
But what I think it's going to have something to do with that being like a big prize in a box and that prize being a mystery.
And then we can't give too much away, but it's gonna revolutionize this final hour of the show You know when we used to do our old show we had ditties in the dock That's right towards the end and ever since we stopped doing that.
I don't know I feel the show's lost a bit of momentum It's a little gap at the end isn't as a little gap He sees in the dock is redundant now because we can play you know all the listeners can request whatever they like Yeah, but but we're gonna try and recapture that magic and extend it to an hour
It's going to be amazing, but that's not for two or three weeks.
No, because it's taking a lot of work.
Scientists, that kind of thing, are slaving over it.
We've got a song by The Clash right now, and this is going to be dedicated to Mike in Lewisham.
Where is Lewisham?
Lewisham is in the south of London, Adam.
Is it near Croydon?
Yes, it is.
That is the worst part of London.
Don't say that.
It's lovely.
I was going to qualify that.
OK.
It better be good.
To drive through.
Well, fair enough.
You know?
On your way to Ikea, probably.
To Ikea or Brighton.
You know, if you're having a weekend jaunt to Brighton and you have to get out through Croydon.
Oh, it's a nightmare.
I've never been through Croydon when the traffic hasn't been just at a complete standstill.
There's probably some listeners sitting in that traffic right now.
Hey, well if you are, this is London calling.
No, I pressed the wrong, it was gonna be so great.
I was gonna say this is London calling like a real DJ.
Do it again, do it again.
And then it would have gone bap, bap, bap, bap, bap.
Do it together.
So I haven't even lined it up, it's a nightmare.
Which CD is it?
It's ruined.
I'm going to have to do it next one.
I can't believe it.
I was going to be so good.
I would have got a Sony award.
Everything would have been brilliant.
Instead, we're going to play The Presidents of the USA.
I've got fond memories of this song because this is when we used to do our show, The Adam and Joe Show.
I remember getting my dad to sing a lot of pop songs.
We never actually ended up using any of those bits, but one of the ones we made him sing was Peaches.
Yeah, that was good, wasn't it?
He was good.
Moving to the country, I'm going to eat a lot of peaches.
I'm moving to the country, I'm going to eat a lot of peaches.
Made me chuckle.
Anyway, here's the presidency of the USA.
This is going out to Sarah in Sutton, or maybe she's called Sarah Sutton.
I don't know.
I hope you enjoy this, Sarah.
Moving to the country, I'm gonna eat a lot of...
Peaches by Presidents of the USA, Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish here on XFM, and now it's time for me to play The Clash.
This one, going out to Mike in Lewisham.
Do that link again, man, do that, do it again.
Do the whole thing.
Yeah, no, not the whole thing, the one you were attempting to do before.
Okay, Mike in Lewisham, if you're stuck, or for anyone stuck in traffic in Croydon, this is London calling.
There we go, that's the class with London Calling.
This is the very end of the Adam and Jo radio show.
We've been here since 10am, we're about to leave you.
You know, if he lives by the river, he's in a very expensive property.
He's probably neighbours with Geoffrey Archer.
Yeah, exactly.
But he's in trouble because of the flooding.
Yeah, the flood risk is high.
You know, if you look at the cover of Thom Yorke's new album, The Eraser, you'll see what's in store for London town.
And it doesn't look good.
It's all done in woodcuts.
Xanthe, stop it, please.
She's fiddling with my computer.
One or two people have texted in claiming that Adam's wrong about Lewisham and Croydon not being near each other.
No, are near each other.
Yeah, that's right, are near each other.
People have been saying they're miles away, but that's not true, Lewisham and Croydon almost connect.
It's like a circle, Bromley, Croydon, Sutton, Merton, Lambeth, Lewisham, they all kind of intersect, so you do drive straight through Lewisham to Croydon, so you're wrong!
Yes!
victory in your face.
It's right next to Croydon, so try that.
It's not next to it, they're kind of the tips join.
The tips join!
You've got touching tips.
Yeah, they're fairly near.
But you were right Adam.
So don't let those textures grind you down with their silly thumbs.
Silly thumbs is in the face.
So yeah, well that's pretty much it for the show.
Usual reminder, you know, don't forget, if you've enjoyed the show,
Even if you haven't, consider what it would be like if the best bits of the show were condensed into an amazing, delicious, around about 20 minute chunk that was completely free to download and you could listen to whenever you liked on your computer or MP3 player.
You don't even need iTunes to download the Adam and Joe podcast because that's what I'm talking about.
You can just go to the XFM website where you'll find it there.
You can download it easily there.
Or you can download it through iTunes and you can subscribe.
And every week, more or less,
a new show with extra bits as well created exclusively for the podcast will just kind of appear like a pixie with a box of gold in your computer all right so why not investigate the adam and joe podcast right now
We're gonna leave you with a song dedicated to Sid Barrett from Pink Floyd who passed away this week.
Very sad to hear that he did so.
And so this is for all you Pink Floyd fans and for Sid.
This is Adam and Joe saying goodbye, we love you.
We'll see you next week, goodbye.