You're listening to Radio 2?
That was the feeling with Never Be Lonely.
That's not the sort of thing XFM usually play, is it?
You're listening to Nice FM.
That was Captain and Tennille.
You make me feel nice.
Never Be Lonely?
It's all soft and sentimental.
XFM's about being sort of... In your face.
...hung over and in your face and edgy.
Right up in your face.
That's just like softly rubbing a kitten against everyone's faces.
Oh, it's nice.
A very poncy kitten.
A lovely kitten called Malcolm.
Malcolm?
Malkey.
Oh I love you Malkey.
Yeah.
Even be lonely.
That's the third single from them.
As long as I'm with Malkey.
London based quintets.
My lovely little catty with the tiny soft skin.
new album 12 stops and home we'll try not to play that again listeners oh come on don't be nasty about the feeling i'm not being nasty about them i'm they're very good that's just doesn't sound like xfm usual sort of stuff listen if you start criticizing the playlist like that hey i'm trying to put uh xfm listeners in a pigeonhole in a box and that's what they hate right yeah
Why are you doing that?
Well, because I'm a cynic.
Yeah, yeah.
Before that you heard, um, Doctor in the TARDIS by Kasabian.
No, that was Empire.
That was one of Kasabian's new singles.
That was the new single from the Leicestershire Quartet's second album, Empire.
I just read a rave review for that album in the NME, so... A rave?
A rave.
Nine out of ten stars.
It's like getting into a really strange future bath reading the NME.
These days, because I haven't read it for a while.
I've been reading it for the competition Rock and Reel or Rock and Rubs, which is coming up later on in the show.
You know, just to get stupid band names out of it.
But it's a weird thing, like all they're going on about is all these new genres of music.
They just more or less make up new genres every two weeks, the NME.
We might be talking about that a bit later in a bit more detail, mightn't we?
Yeah, I suppose so.
Have you heard of New Rave?
New Rave, no, but that makes sense.
Yeah.
yeah new rave yeah that's what they're going on about yeah and they just go on about it in every single thing they write about new rave new rape and they have interviews and they ask people like matt bellamy what do you think of new rave and he's like i i don't know what you mean no one knows except for the people that work in the nme anyway yes we'll talk this is adam and joe by the way uh on xfm london's 104.9 we're here with you till 1 p.m is that really right
Yeah, it seems unbelievable.
That's a long time, isn't it?
It's a long time.
We've got lots of great music.
And to encourage you to listen, we'll be giving away prizes.
We've got four... Have we got... No, we've got four copies of Scary Movie 4.
We talked about this, man.
Oh, that we were only going to give away two.
Yeah, we're stealing two.
We quite want to just take one each.
We are going to take one each.
What do you think the point of doing the show is?
OK, we've got two copies of Scary Movie 4 to give away.
But that's only proof that it's really good.
That's right.
You know, because Adam and Mia are clever.
But we wouldn't steal something useless, would we?
This is a quality piece of merchandise.
You know, it's got the Wayans brothers stamp of approval on the whole thing.
They're the auteurs behind the film, little man.
They're geniuses!
Yeah, so we've got those to give away.
And we've got one pair of tickets to see the Mystery Jets present What Colour Is Sound, a tribute to Sid Barrett at the Union Chapel on the 18th of September.
The compare will be our very own Mick Rock!
i once saw the mystery jets in a car unpacking their gear what a great band yeah mick rock uh xfm's most dynamic dj will be hosting that uh so you know what more do you want to motivate you to stay tuned for three hours how about more great music
his guillemots.
No, that won't do the job.
Will it not?
No.
But play it anyway.
I think you'll change your mind after you hear trains to Brazil.
Haircut 100 there, on XFM, London's 104.9.
That's good though, we like Haircut 100.
That was Gilemots with trains to Brazil.
There's just been a disaster in the studio, listeners.
Adam was eating an apple, and this happens to me quite a lot.
Does it really?
Yeah, there was no evidence on the exterior of the apple that it was a bad apple.
It was absolutely tasty, I was just munching away.
And suddenly inside, you discovered Satan's Hairy Room.
Well, this is the thing, I was eating the apple,
and for a while you know while the guillemots were playing i was just munching away i wasn't even looking at the apple and then i started thinking this apple tastes strange it's got an unusually you know it's not very sweet it's got a weird kind of medicinal tang to it
And then after a few more bites, listeners, I looked down and I had more or less been munching into Satan's black furry heart.
Yeah.
At the core of his apple.
It was bad at the centre.
How does that happen?
Because there's usually a puncture mark.
Yeah.
If a maggot has got in.
There was no maggot in the apple.
Well, sometimes that's what turns the middle satanic is a tiny little devil worm.
Yeah, but that wasn't the case here.
It had gone bad all by itself.
Really?
Yeah.
Just a bad pip?
It was just a bad apple.
It had been watching too much.
It was the one bad apple.
It was been watching Channel 4 on a Friday night.
That's what happens to apples.
When they watch that much Alan Carr, they go rotten.
You know?
Yeah, I know.
We should talk about that later on, because me and Joe both trawled our way through the whole of Friday Night on Channel 4.
Right, did you watch the Law of the Playground as well, Joe?
No, I haven't watched that.
I watched that.
Yeah, we'll be talking about that.
We'd like to have a little discussion about Robbie Williams's new single as well later in the program, Rude Box.
Rude Box.
Plus we're going to have, are we going to have a celebrity regression?
Yeah, that's coming up very shortly.
Yeah, we'll be playing rock and reel or rock and rubs.
All kinds of stuff.
In fact, we've got enough content for about half an hour of radio.
Hey, speaking of content, you know, if you're a fan of our podcasts, then I'd like to apologize for the screw up last weekend.
We uploaded the same one from the previous week by accident.
So for the whole of last weekend, you would have been pounding on your computer screens and cursing iTunes or maybe just us.
It was our producer, Santi's fault.
Okay?
This is the kind of thing that Chris Evans used to do, remember?
Rag on his producer and stuff for no reason.
Now, Xanthe's a brilliant producer and it was an understandable mistake, but she's fired.
This is her last day and she's leaving because she screwed up the podcast.
But anyway, the next one should be out, I think on Monday or possibly Friday.
I don't know.
And also I should say that, you know, recently there's been a bit of
swearing in the podcasts, and I am being very careful now to beep out all the swearing, because I think it's important that it remains a family show, you know?
So do you think it's still a family show if there's swearing but it's beeped?
Um, I don't know.
Maybe a Swery family show.
Because, you know, I watch daytime TV.
We talked about this before.
One of those Asbo families.
Yeah.
On daytime TV, they beep out swearing.
Do they?
Yeah.
And it is a little bit weird when you watch it.
You sort of think, hang on, this is still swearing.
I'm still getting the swear word in my brain.
It's as if they've sort of reduced swearing to just a single tone.
Yeah.
A single note.
Well, that's exactly what we do in the podcasts now.
So, um, just, you know, just to let you know, it's, we don't want to go down.
a totally filthy route yeah uh first free play right now this is prince from sign of the times and uh oh you know i was gonna play if i was your girlfriend but i think i might play the ballad of dorothy parker you can't suddenly change at the last minute well i'm going to what about all the cartridge swapping and filling that's gonna happen swapping the cartridge family yeah what's gonna happen oh you know what i've done i'm such a chill
What have you done?
I didn't bring disc one.
I only brought disc two.
Play something off disc two.
Yeah.
Well, okay.
I'll go back to if I was your girlfriend.
Is that is that your favorite track on?
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know.
They're all so good.
Ballad of Dorothy Parker.
I learned to play on my guitar.
It's three chords.
Is it?
Yes.
Just three chords.
Easy peasy.
It's brilliant.
Anyway, here's If I Was Your Girlfriend by Prince.
We'll be back shortly.
It goes a bit filthy here, doesn't it, I seem to remember?
Probably.
What's he on about, anyway?
If I was your girlfriend, what does it mean?
He means if you treated me as if I was a woman.
If you treated me in the sexy way that I treat you, in the feminine way that I treat you, wouldn't things be even sexier?
I think it's fairly straightforward.
Because it would be like two ladies.
uh getting it on yeah but then there'd be uh hairy man things suddenly would pop into the equation and that shock would be exciting yeah well you know oh what's that
bloody hell you'd say yeah yeah it could just be he's talking about a man and uh he's just saying listen if i was your girlfriend i could dress up in a dress he just wants to be a lady yeah he's not interested in her anymore no yeah he's just little prince he'd make a lovely little lady the little prince
His face has got more peculiar the older he's got.
Like George Michael.
George Michael is slowly turning into one of the Easter Island statues.
His face is going very sort of imperious and long and odd.
And so is Princess.
It's funny watching people you've known since you were very young slowly get older and some elements of their features stay the same and some of them go all droopy.
He looks pretty good.
That's the, that's the satanic apple coming back to you.
Something's nesting in your stomach.
I'm going to have to take a break.
It's going to be like Alien.
You're going to, you're going to, there's a chest burst that's going to pop out.
Halfway through the show, Justin Lee Collins is going to burst out.
We'll be back after the break and some music with competition time.
Stay tuned.
Ose, ose, ose that band, then, Adam.
Ose that band.
I like the sound of them.
Well, Joe, exciting news.
They're a new combo.
They're called the Coldplay.
They mix up intense feelings of emotion with piano stylings to create music that's perfect for any advertisement or teen drama.
The lead singer, does he live a life like us, a normal life?
No!
Is he in touch with normal experiences?
By no means.
So that he can put them into his songs?
No, no, he has a book he sends away.
There's a book you can get and it's got real experiences in it, detailed in it.
It's kind of a magazine for pop stars and they read about what real life is like and then they can write songs about it and they send off for the rights to the experience and it works that way.
Oh, I don't like them anymore.
No, they're very good.
You're an idiot.
Right, I think it's... Yes, it's celebrity regression time.
It's the time when we regress Adam into the films, into the head, basically, of a Hollywood star.
Yeah, like being John Malkovich.
Exactly.
Almost.
You go inside their head, right?
Yeah, exactly.
And you see through their eyes, only you see their films as if you're living them.
Yeah, as if you are the character they play in the film.
Yeah, it's amazing, really.
And all you have to do, listeners, is guess which Hollywood star Adam's been regressed into the mind of and name the films that he describes happening around him.
And then call, here's the number, I'm gonna say it slowly.
Cause people sometimes complain that we say it too fast.
0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9.
And you could win a copy of Scary Movie 4, officially the funniest film ever made.
I'm thinking about it now.
There we go.
Or maybe those tickets or whatever you want basically.
0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9.
So are we ready?
We're going to ring the regression bell now to create the correct mood here in the studio and we encourage you at home to do the same to take a deep breath, completely relax, clear everything out of your mind if there is anything in there.
And come with us on a journey into the inner psyche of a Hollywood movie star.
There is Adam now entering the hypnotic state, drifting through the tinsel sphere, hovering towards the mind of a star, and now popping into it.
I'm in a big futuristic room that has a lot of TV screens on the walls, because that's what it's going to be like in the future.
And I'm a bad man.
I'm a dirty man.
And I'm the boss of this facility.
I can see everything that happens here with my TVs.
And it's not Dixon's, by the way.
It's an altogether more frightening place.
I have every inch of my ludicrous compound, closely scrutinized.
Nothing escapes my gaze.
Uh, not my, not my homosexuals, you understand me, but my eyes.
You know, I could even look inside the minds and the dreams of the people here, which are mainly kind of stupid and boring, the dreams that is.
Uh, but you better watch out because I'm a bad man with a future computer and I'm watching you.
And if you don't, if you don't like, you know, that, then that's tough because I can explode your neck.
Uh, you know, because I'm bad and that's what the future's like in the future.
That's film number one.
If you know what movie that is, make a note of it.
Adam's now going to drift into a second film starring the same actor or actress.
Wake up, Adam.
Tell us what you can see.
I'm in the back of a dirty van with my bad buddies.
We just robbed a safe because we're bad, filthy men and we're non-scrupulous.
Unfortunately, the lack of scrupules
within the gang has led to much of the money from the safe being burned when we blew it open.
And now, to add to the situation, there's a couple of cops chasing us in a car.
So, I've decided the best way to deal with the area is to throw one of my buddies onto the car, thus completely killing him.
Because as you'll recall, I lack scrupules because I'm a
Bad.
Man.
That's film number 20871-222-1049.
As soon as you guess the name of the star and the name of the three films, here comes the third one.
Adam, wake up.
Tell us what you can see.
I'm in an uptight middle class room.
bad uptight man with a son who wants to be an actor but i'll be damned if i'm gonna sit by and let him throw his life into the toilet like that an actor he may as well be a fairy dancer in a pink doll's house well over my dead body is he gonna be an actor
Actually, it turns out to be over his dead body, and then my dead body, and all because I inexplicably loathe actors in the acting profession, which I consider to be worse than making a flower painting in a dress with ten lady men.
Okay, Adam's now going to stay in his regressed state until somebody calls 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 and reveals the name of the star whose head he was inhabiting in the three films call 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 call now!
yes hello it's adam and joe on xfm we are in the midst of celebrity regression that was the was that the vines with don't listen to the radio yeah yeah uh don't follow that advice because we're about to get a caller on to try and figure out who which actor's brain adam was regressed into and what the films he was witnessing were we got martin on the line hello martin i beg your pardon
You're okay, are you?
Yeah, we're okay.
Are you alright, yeah?
Yeah, not bad.
Yeah, what's, what, why, what, what, what, what are you laughing at?
I'm sorry, I'm just being called away.
You're in a, you've been called away?
Yeah.
What's going on?
Are you, are you still drunk from last night?
Have you been to sleep?
Sorry, I was at work.
You, you were at work?
At work, I slipped out the back for a second.
Wow, you pronounce O's like A's.
And it's hard to understand what you're saying.
What's your work, Martin?
What do you do?
Are you like a laughing policeman?
I'm a chef.
A chef?
What's wrong with your vows?
Oh shit!
Where do you work as a chef?
I work in a... At a Rafterad.
I work in a... Exactly.
Exactly.
Oh Martin.
Sorry, you know I'm just teasing you, Martin.
He likes it, he loves it.
Listen to that, he loves it.
So, Martin, what are your guesses then?
Basically, say out loud the name of the star you think it is.
and the films, but only if you get them all right will Adam become conscious, okay?
So say what you think it is, go for it.
I think it's going to be an explore of Boba, because I don't... You think it's going to explore Boba?
Are you an alien?
I didn't understand any of that.
Well, that's debatable.
Say it again, say it again.
Is it Kurt Russell?
Kurt Russell.
And what do you think the films are?
I think the first one just came from New York.
Yeah.
Is that it?
Have you got any of the others?
That's all I got.
All right.
That's all I got, man.
You know.
What more do you want?
That's all I got.
I was bending stuff on the stage.
It's all getting out of hand.
You were bending stuff on the stage?
Oh, I was burning stuff on the stove.
Oh, you were burning stuff on the stove.
Okay.
Man, your life sounds like chaos.
No, it isn't.
You're burning things, you can't speak, you're laughing insanely.
What's happening in your world?
Are you calling from a mental home?
On the pay phone?
Well, you're in too far off.
Not too far off.
Martin, man, you're wrong.
I'm sorry, Adam's still in a regressed state.
Ah, poor chap.
You're wrong.
Okay.
But, man, thanks a lot for phoning.
Thank you.
Should we give him a prize anyway?
It sounds like he's having such fun just living, you know, and just having a mad-cat time.
Maybe he doesn't need a prize.
Maybe his prize is just existing.
They were accepted.
It's all good.
Well, we'll send you a copy of Scary Movie 4 anyway, which means you've only got one more to give away, because we're taking one each.
OK, we make no bones about that.
Thanks for calling, Martin.
Bad luck.
We've got another caller.
Adam's still regressed.
We need to rescue him.
Hello, Ryan.
Hi.
Hello, how are you?
Not too bad, thank you.
You sound much more sensible.
Yes, well, compared to the last guy, I think I am, yeah.
Yeah, you're clear-minded, you're lucid, you're fully awake.
Yes, all those things.
You can speak, I understand what you're saying.
You're not currently burning, setting fire to anything as you speak, are you?
Erm, no.
I'm just out of the shower though.
I bolted out when I heard the question.
Really?
Are you nude?
Yeah.
Really?
Are you?
Or have you got a towel on you?
Just ask him what he thinks the answer is.
Sorry, what do you think the answers are then, Ryan?
Right, I think the actor is Kurtwood Smith.
And I think the films are Fortress, Robocop and Dead Pirate Society.
Wow.
That's amazing.
That's like surgical precision.
Yeah.
How did you know that?
Did you go on IMDb?
No, no, I actually knew them.
Did you really know them from those clues?
That's amazing.
Ryan, you're brilliant.
Do you watch a lot of DVDs?
Enough to know the answers.
Yeah, because he's he's not a I mean, he's very well known if you see his face right Kurtwood Smith He's a very familiar face, but he's not a well-known name.
Well, he plays he was of course the films were fortress fortress fortress Like Martin with Highlander Martin sounded like Noel Fielding from the Boosh.
Do you think yeah, I
fortress yeah he was the evil prison director in fortress you remember he he blows up the necks of the inmates you know what no i don't remember it's not bad fortress really yeah i quite like it uh robo cop of course clarence barter he was the horrible clarence but he's surely the most evil man ever on film don't you think yeah very evil
When he blows away the guy, Paul Weller, Paul Weller's hand at the beginning.
And of course the final film was Dead Poets Society where Kurtwood Smith plays the uptight dad of the kid who wants to be an actor and ends up hanging himself because his dad doesn't like his acting.
And that's what it's like.
If you want to be an actor, that's the kind of prejudice you're going to run into.
So Ryan, congratulations.
Absolutely right there.
You've made me almost forget the fact that Ryan's naked.
That was the object of the exercise.
Has he gone?
No, I'm still here.
Yeah.
Do you want a prize?
Yes, please.
Like some pants?
Yeah, well, you can have scary movie four as well.
Are you excited about that?
Yes.
Have you seen scary movies one to three?
I saw one and I bypassed two and three.
But you still want to see four?
One's a strong word.
yeah okay well you're getting it anyway thank you um congratulations and that that was amazing that was one of the best performances we've had uh you know from a caller for a while yeah competition absolutely well done clinical precision as you said like a kind of brain surgeon yeah a brainless surgeon thanks very much for your calls though both of you guys and uh we'll be back after this goes in about 10 minutes i think
Sorry, what's that?
The bus.
The bus in ten minutes.
Sorry, I tuned out.
You were saying, Adam, that you saw them or not.
No, who was that?
Um, what, what are you talking about?
Who was that singing that last song?
The Arctic Monkeys.
Oh right, sorry, I was reading emails.
Oh right, no, I was talking about baby shambles on transmission with Lauren Laverne last night, just saying it was one of the worst things I've ever seen.
So we, uh, are we gonna go to the news now?
We have to do the news.
What is the point of you waking up from your, um...
The emails have been broken for the last three weeks.
So there's hundreds of them.
I was getting it was like reading an amazing novel.
He's really excited.
All about me.
So listen, we've kind of left everything too late this hour.
We've squashed all the ads and the news up right until the last minute.
So we should get on with it.
We'll be back very shortly.
Oh, you see, because it's raining at the end.
The sun isn't in the sky, in fact, literally and metaphorically.
So it works on several different levels of irony.
And that's the crux of the genius of Alan.
I think you'll find that the people at the Reading Festival would understand that better than almost anyone.
Yeah, and speaking of which, we're going to be speaking to Matt, our correspondent at the Reading Festival.
He featured in the news.
Um, yeah, um, it was pretty rainy last night, um, here at the vegetable, and, uh... He doesn't sound well.
It sounds as if he was just in a bucket the whole night.
And he's staying in a hotel, apparently, as well.
I know, exactly.
Imagine what you'd feel like.
Are people still... Yeah, they're still at Reading now, right?
Yeah, yeah.
And some of them are intense.
You know, Adam, and listeners, I was at a festival last weekend.
I went to the Green Man Festival in Wales, near Abagaveni,
And it's the poshest festival in the world.
The folk festival.
Yeah.
Everybody's so well behaved.
There's no litter.
There's only a few thousand people there.
It's beautiful.
It's the most immaculate festival.
I was still miserable.
Because you were still uncomfortable.
I hate camping.
I can't believe you actually went camping.
I'm in misery guts.
What an amazing tribute to me that I did.
And my love for my girlfriend.
Yeah, that's true.
I did, I did, but I was still, and imagine what it would be like to camp at a proper festival.
I know.
Like, we used to do Glastonbury for the BBC, but they used to put us up in a hotel.
There was no question of camping.
Well, we'd walk past the tents and it was basically like a refugee camp, wasn't it?
A really bad refugee camp.
Yeah.
Well, you know, not that bad, possibly.
Well, you know, we camped at the Phoenix Festival, didn't we?
No, I didn't.
I think I camped there with my dad.
Right.
Because I remember we went and did a bit for our show, and we went and watched Black Grape, and then we went back to the tent, and my dad had some Jim Beam.
and half a temazepam.
That didn't look too bad, actually.
That looked quite nice.
Yeah, and that was OK.
That was a decent night.
But if it's raining, that's no good.
Hades, absolutely awful.
So our sympathies go out to anyone who's listening in Reading who's feeling uncomfortable and miserable.
But, you know, look at this.
What's Xanthe got?
Xanthe's just entered the studio with a copy of the new Robbie Williams single, Rude Box.
Rude Box.
We're going to be talking about that later and we might play it as well.
Rude blocks.
Look at that.
And we're going to talk to Matt very soon, I think, aren't we, Zanthi?
Yes, we will.
Yeah, so we'll check in with Matt for some reading news, find out from the horse's mouth what's going on.
But here's a free play for you right now.
Joe, this is one of yours.
Yeah, which one is it going to be?
It's Eros.
Yeah, this is one of the people that played at the Green Man Festival.
He used to be the lead singer of Gorky's Zygotic Monkey.
Have they split now?
They have, yeah.
That's a great shame, but they've split into a number of separate, equally brilliant solo entities, and Uros is one of them.
And this song is sung in Welsh, because Wales is really hot right now, right?
It's so hot right now.
It's so hot.
Everyone's into Wales.
Lachlin from Big Brother.
absolutely he's welsh charlotte church's new friday night show is coming on next weekend and she's welsh yeah advertises itself as being well welsh and you know what i don't even know what this is called in welsh this is called dawn ceo dross imour and it's from the album chops yeah it is with chops on the front uh we'll be talking to matt everett from the reading festival after this one
Yeah, that's Uros Charles with Doncio drossimo.
I don't know, if you're Welsh, maybe you can tell us what some of that meant because the lyrics on the inner sleeve are in Welsh as well.
There's absolutely no way in for a non-Welsh speaker.
No, although the way in is through the music or learning the language.
Yeah, you could do that, I suppose.
But he's amazingly talented and he did a brilliant set at the Green Man.
and uh i love him yeah chops is the name of the album well worth checking out right we've got matt everett from xfm uh he's our correspondent at the redding festival are you there matt yes i'm indeed how are you yeah i'm all right better than you it sounds like i've just got slightly sore throat last night kind of kicked off in a reasonably large way so i'm just being a little bit shoddy but not too bad yeah how large how large was it exactly
Really?
Yeah.
It's a battle against the weather.
Has it been raining non-stop?
It was kind of raining quite a lot.
Franz Ferdinand came on, it rained for half of that, then it didn't rain.
Guys used to come on, it rained for half of that and didn't rain.
So it's been a battle between the elements and the music very much so.
Was it very cold as well as being rainy?
No, it was nice weather most of the day, then it got slightly chilly and then cold and wet at the same time, then just cold.
And what's the weather going to be like tomorrow?
I'm not sure actually, I'm sure if you check out the BBC five day forecast weather site you can actually find out what the weather's going to be like in Reading.
Hey listen Matt, do you agree with me that the bands shouldn't be under cover?
You know, if the audience are going to get wet, I think the band should get wet too, because they stand there in their light with their blow heaters on, under their awning.
It's not very practical though, they're electric fans.
Yeah, they're electric fans.
They are electrical.
No, come on, that kind of thing, they can make waterproof lights.
Do you know how many rock stars have been killed on stage for exactly that kind of thing?
Is that really true?
Yeah, yeah.
Five rock stars have been killed through that exact thing.
The execution, the water comes down, they touch the microphones down, completes a circuit that's made by the electronics and the lights and everything, and they die.
But how many members of the audience have died through exposure to the aliens?
I bet you a larger number.
I was tempted to bring my telly.
I was tempted to bring my telly when I you know in my Xbox 360 or a blender or maybe a running machine or some yeah straightening tongs now Matt Matt you used to be in a band yourself of course didn't you a long time ago yes yes you were in the band menswear that's right one of the great Brit pop flag bearers just one of the great bands full stop yes of course yeah what did you play in menswear
I played the drums.
You played the drums?
Yeah, proper instruments and everything.
Yeah, but you're not like a typical drummer though.
You can speak and everything.
Just about, yes, yes.
I find the reputation of drummers as idiot hell raisers to be vastly inaccurate.
That's insulting, isn't it?
Yes, we're mostly bookish people.
Did you ever play the Reading Festival?
Yes, a couple of times.
What was it like?
Did you enjoy those days?
We were rubbish, but I had quite a good time.
That's very honest.
And what are you looking forward to?
The big band we heard in your report on the news that everyone's looking forward to is the Arctic Monkeys tonight, is that right?
I didn't chat, but she looked perfectly pleasant.
Is she like a normal person?
She was.
I mean, there wasn't like the big sunglasses and the whole kind of glam, juicy look.
And she's not a celebrity of any sort?
No, no, no, she's like a good, honest Sheffield lass.
Wow, that's good, isn't it?
That is good.
He's got to hold on to that one, you know?
Don't make the mistake of going down the boring celebrity route.
He's got that kind of slightly longer hair look going on.
I don't know if you saw this week's copy of the NME.
He's got the kind of like slightly more shaggy, long, more rock and roll haircut.
So maybe that's the indication of them selling out their down to earth roots and pursuing a more Led Zeppelin kind of...
image.
Well, the NME is all full of like, you know, predictions of doom for the Arctic Monkeys and saying that it's all over for them.
They mismanaged their great moment.
And now, you know, the excitement has passed.
The album's dropping out of the charts while the Kaiser Chiefs are still in there and stuff like that.
But they're still massive, though, aren't they?
Yeah, it's like all the albums dropping out of the charts after 17 million copies.
I doubt they're really bothered, you know.
But it sells papers, doesn't it?
And there, come on, they're a better live proposition than the Kaiser Chiefs, aren't they?
Kaiser Chiefs were actually really good last night.
I don't know whether it was just me being drunk or just the whole, because it started to rain off like two songs.
Have you been drinking there?
You're an official XFM reporter, Matt.
You disgust me.
I'm going to tell the head of XFM that he was drunk on duty.
I bet you even smoke cigarettes, don't you?
You revolve me.
No, I don't.
Well, Matt, maybe we can catch up with you again a bit later on, if that's all right.
Yes, indeed.
Thanks a lot for talking to us.
Enjoy the show.
Cheers.
Bye.
Right now, here is the muse.
Yes, yes.
That's the dirty pretty things with wondering.
This is Adam and Joe here on a Saturday afternoon.
This is XFM.
And we were talking to Matt Everett a while back there.
He's at the Reading Festival.
And personally, I'm sort of glad that I'm not, don't you think?
At the Reading Festival.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just cooking out the window because it's just disgusting.
Well, I'm amazed about how people persevere at festivals.
As soon as it started raining at the Green Man Festival, I was ready to go.
I thought, right, call this off!
It's just not going to be enjoyable.
Did you moan right the way through the festival?
No, no.
Yeah.
But when I woke up in the morning, I was woken by a clap of thunder on Friday morning, a clap of thunder and very, very hard rain, chubby rain, chubby rain, falling from the sky, hard rain with Christian Slater.
Yeah.
I thought this is rubbish.
Yeah.
What am I doing?
Sleeping in a plastic bag in the middle of a field surrounded by chatting toffs.
Right.
That's the other thing.
Trying to sleep at a festival is very difficult.
I know, because they carry on chatting right late into the night.
They get into their tents and they start quoting Monty Python at each other and stuff.
Our tent was in the middle of a little nexus of people have gazebos, right?
They pitch their tents in a circle with all the openings next to each other.
The tents are getting insane, aren't they?
They're like little palaces.
That's a good thing.
You want a big tent like a house.
Did you have a big house tent?
Not big enough.
It was quite big, but not big enough.
But they pitch their tents in a circle, then they set up a gazebo in the middle.
which is all weather obviously so it means they can carry on having tedious conversations whatever the weather and then they have a little table and chairs and it's just a little 24 hour party and i think maybe you know i i'd hate yobos i don't like yobos you don't like poshos no but what i was going to say right bear with me yeah like poshos are better than yobos
But even the poshos can get annoying.
Like I was trying to get to sleep while listening to someone go, have you done the yoga?
Do you do yoga?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
I do that guy.
He's an old guy, Brian.
Yeah, I go to Brian as well.
He's brilliant.
He's really old, but he's brilliant.
It's really painful yoga, isn't it?
God, it's really tough.
You know, you think it's going to be all easy and Buddhist, but actually it's really hard work.
Yeah, it is.
I'm like, SHUT UP!
Trying to go to sleep!
An almost slightly interesting conversation is harder to drop off to than just somebody going AWAY AWAY AWAY AWAY, which presumably is what it's more like at less posh festivals.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, they just swear at each other and stuff.
Yeah, that's what it was like at the Phoenix Festival, the now defunct Phoenix Festival with my dad.
I remember lying there in a semi-conscious state, listening to people just going, well I can't say any of the things, they're just swearing at each other.
Right.
Frongles!
Frongles?
Bullybag!
Nickolastic!
That sounds quite fun.
That kind of thing.
Little voices like this!
Yeah.
They weren't saying those words.
They were saying dirty words though.
So it wasn't fun.
No.
It was frightening.
It was like whatever.
Was it?
The Channel 4 show?
Yeah.
The secret to sleeping at a festival is taking earplugs.
I rammed my earplugs so far into my ears.
That's dangerous.
I know I thought they were going to touch my brain.
I would have been happy if they touched my brain.
I wanted them to sever the nerves in my ears.
I can't believe you agreed to go to this festival.
Once I went to something like that and I forgot my earplugs so I used cigarette butts.
No you didn't.
Yeah I thought, come on, they're a bit like... Clean ones.
They're a bit like foamy earplugs.
They hadn't been smoked.
No, no, just the filter.
Just the filter.
I stuffed a couple of cigarette filters into my ears.
Shut up!
Why are you Shane McGowan?
Well that's the closest I get to being Shane McGowan.
Okay, free playtime right now.
And this one puts me in mind of Uncle Mick, of course.
Mick Rock coming up after this show.
XFM at one o'clock.
Exciting show.
Yeah, this is a track by The Rolling Stones.
Oh, Jesus.
What a great band.
Mick Jagger used to do a lot of the singing, still does.
And what a band they are.
Keith Richards.
Wow.
I remember bumping into Keith backstage once at Wembley, and I said to him, Keith.
And he walked straight past me.
This is an early track called Sitting on a Fence.
No, no, no, that's not... Mick Rock?
Hey, I'm a photographer, not a DJ.
All right, get off my back, you fascist.
It's a peach.
Rolling Stones with Sitting on a Fence, that's an anti-marriage song, that one.
Is it?
Yeah.
As a married man, do you, does that make you regret getting married listening to that?
Well no, because he's just saying he's sitting on a fence like he hasn't totally made up his mind.
I suppose it's not completely anti-marriage, it's just sort of saying I'd rather not do anything than make the wrong choice.
Who is he, who was he about to marry at that point?
I don't know, they were very young at that stage, that's an early one.
Uh, who was he hanging around with?
I've no idea.
Probably a very, very, very sexy young lady.
Very, very sexy.
Called Titiana.
Wearing a floaty dress with some leaves in her hair, very high on droogs.
So listen, I want to talk about the orange mobile animals campaign.
Yes.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shall we do that after the break?
Yes, let's.
So stick with us here on XFM.
Yeah, this is Adam and Joe by the way.
XFM London's 104.9, the number one station for guitar music and stupid rambly chat.
What's that as messages from space at the end of that?
Yeah, that was actual messages from space.
Wow.
Wasted Little DJs by The View.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9.
Now, one of the most baffling advertising campaigns of recent months has been the Orange Mobile Animals campaign.
Yes.
Now, everyone will have seen that.
You've seen that, right, Xanthi?
You know what I'm talking about?
Xanthi's representative of everyone.
Yeah.
Kind of a dippy girl going through life without caring about much, occasionally seeing things and remembering them.
Right?
That's so not true, Xanthi.
That's not true at all.
It's not really not true.
That was a joke.
That was a special joke.
Xanthi is very intelligent.
Extremely observant.
Very attractive.
Yeah, the orange adlets, come on.
Orange have got this new thing, right?
And you know, jump in if I'm taking over at all from any of your thoughts, Ad, but they've got these new animal-based packages, right?
Dolphin, for people who love to text.
Raccoon, for people who call landlines a lot.
Canary, for people who talk a lot in the evenings.
Panther, for people who like all the extras.
Cockatoo, for people who like... No, that's what I made up.
Yeah, dolphin.
And they illustrate these with big sort of orange blow-up figures of the animals in the ads.
And what's happening in the ads?
Well, the adverts are ridiculous, listeners.
I don't know whether you've seen the advert, but basically, in the advert, a group of sexy, posh, hippie 20-somethings hold a beach party and inflate a massive orange balloon in the shape of a panther to celebrate these new animal-based pay-as-you-go phone tariffs.
Gentle folk music plays over the top,
as they unpack their wicker picnic baskets and scoop their beautiful kids out of their artfully beaten up range rovers.
They gather equipment, work as a team to set it up on the beach.
They light a brassiere, play frisbee, a brassiere, have a picnic.
So are we actually supposed to believe that the real people have arranged this party?
Yeah, they've heard about the new tariffs.
They've heard that they're named after animals.
Can you imagine the phone discussion?
Yeah.
Hi, Titiana.
This is Rufus.
Listen, um, Rollo's arranging a party on the beach at Tittingham.
It's to celebrate those brilliant new orange pay-as-you-go tariffs, you know?
Oh, yeah, no, I've seen them, yeah.
The panther and the dolphin, yeah, no, I think they're wicked.
And Canary especially is one that I think I'm going to sign up for, because it's for people who love to chat, and I love to chat.
Oh, God, you've got to come to the party.
on the beach.
You know, come down, we're getting together at Rollo's house at about five and we'll just throw the stuff in the back of the range and we'll drive down.
Henry's had this superb, ginormous, panther-shaped balloon made.
Cost him a couple of grand but you know he makes a million a minute in the city.
It's exactly the same shape as the logo and we're gonna inflate it on the beach, have a bonfire and a picnic.
I'll bring along my guitar, you know, we can sing songs about phones.
um it'd be brilliant it'd be great party oh and the guys from orange are going to come and film it he is in some advert
And that's how it went.
That's how it went.
Or that's how they want us to think it went.
I mean, it's just a series of extraordinary decisions on the part of Orange.
A, to have that advert, and B, just to have the idea of the tariffs themselves.
What genius came up with that?
Naming them, oh, I know, you know, it's hard for people to get their heads round all the different packages.
Most of which, it should be said, mean a slight increase in tariffs, if you're an Orange customer.
But, you know, the best way to explain them to people is by naming them after animals.
Alright, stupid genius idea number one.
Stupid genius idea number two, the choice of animals, dolphin, for people who like to text a lot, you know, like dolphins do, they love to text because they've got opposable fins, you know.
What are you doing?
Swimming.
What about you?
Yeah, swimming.
What are you doing later?
Swimming.
Underwater?
Yeah.
That's the kind of text that dolphins would send.
There's panther for people who like all the extras because, you know, the panther is notorious in the animal kingdom for enjoying extras.
They actually prefer it to the office, I think.
There's the canary as well for people who love to chat, you know, rather than for people who can smell gas, which is the main, you know, attribute of the canary as far as I know.
And the raccoon for people who want no-nonsense basics.
Like, in what way is that the typical characteristic of the raccoon?
Raccoons mainly forage in bins, don't they?
Well, they should have a, like a tariff of tramps then.
That should be the raccoon.
What about, I want the emu.
What would the emu do?
Well just for people who bury their heads in the sand and ignore everything.
You get one call, half a text, on the first Thursday of every month.
And for the rest of the time your phone is broken.
What about the baboon?
For just people whose lives are in constant chaos.
It just randomly makes calls automatically from your handbag.
or your pocket.
There's a name for that, isn't there?
Gash calls or something.
Er, butt calls.
Yeah, what about the bonobo monkey?
Oh, they're disgusting, aren't they?
Yeah, that's for people who call dirty chat lines.
Yeah.
It gives you low-cost 0-8-9-8 numbers.
The bonobo is good.
Yeah.
What about the weasel?
Yeah.
For someone who cheats on their girlfriend.
Absolutely.
The weasel tariff.
Yeah, it won't show up on your bill.
Very nice, Joe Cornish.
Thanks a lot.
Saturically brilliant.
Shall we play some more music?
Yeah.
I've done one of the wrong ones again, haven't I?
As soon as that started, I thought... That sounded quite good.
Shall we just play it anyway?
I see what it's like.
OK, so I found out by using Shazam, which is a great service if you've never used it.
Shazam is the thing where you call the number and you play any tune down your mobile phone and it can tell what tune it is.
It takes you back, right?
Yeah, it's amazing.
Identifies the rhythm and stuff.
All you do is you get your mobile phone, you key in 2580 and make the call, then you hold the phone up in front of the speaker.
The music has to be fairly loud.
but it's unbelievable just takes a little snatch of music and it just identifies it and then sends a text for you in about five minutes or no less than that 30 seconds and tells you what it is and it told me that that piece of music was third dan with uh what was it exactly
I guess I wanted more for you.
It's quite good.
Is it computerized Shazam or does it go straight through to some sort of sweatshop in Pakistan?
It's got to be computerized.
With hundreds of children and a massive CD collection.
Yeah, and one in the corner sort of goes, I'm pretty sure this is that Dan.
Yeah.
And you know, it's very seldom wrong.
Yeah.
But it is unbelievable.
Try it with like even the most obscure track and it'll pretty much get it right every time.
Now it's the X list coming up in eight minutes so get your request in.
We've left it a little bit late to get requests in so the chances of you getting your record played are very high.
Make sure it's kind of an XFM type record you're requesting otherwise you know it won't get played.
No there's no there's no use you know asking for topographic oceans or whatever because we haven't got it.
and you can text 83XFM with your requests, or can they telephone?
Yeah, you can telephone 0871 222 1049 and come and speak to us.
We've got another quite exciting prize to give away through the Xlist hour.
Yeah, because of course we have Rock and Reel or Rock and Rubs, our amazing Identify the Real Band Name competition, and you could maybe win some prizes.
Maybe you could win the tickets to go and see, is it The Killers?
No, it's Jet.
I've got Passes to Fright Fest though.
Mystery Jet.
Somebody, anybody?
Oh, Joe's got, that's a good prize.
I've got Passes to, Weekend Passes to Fright Fest, the horror film festival that's happening here in central London, which we'll talk more about a bit later as well.
Yeah, so if you're interested.
So there's a lot of motivation to get your requests in on the Xlist.
Absolutely.
If you're interested in taking part in that competition, the best best thing to do is to give us a call because then we'll call you back.
08712221049.
So we're both going to Edinburgh this weekend, aren't we Joe?
Yes, we are.
Going off to... What are you doing?
I am interviewing Matt Parker and Trey Stone as part of the...
Uh, like some sort of masterclass or something.
That's cool.
And what are they talking about?
Uh, we're gonna talk about all kinds of things.
Just do.
Well, there's so much to talk about with South Park, isn't there?
There's the whole Mohammed cartoon thing they got involved in.
There's all the Tom Cruise stuff, the Mel Gibson stuff.
that's without even just starting to ask them how they make it and write it and stuff yeah yeah yeah that'll be amazing yeah uh where's that happening if people want to go along if they're up there edinburgh edinburgh yeah it's happening in edinburgh is it yeah where where is edinburgh don't know scotland in the in scotland
Now, where is it happening?
Do you know where it's happening?
Yeah, Edinburgh.
I know, but what's the venue?
I don't know.
I don't know anything about Edinburgh.
I don't know.
How are you going to get there?
I'm just going to go to the hotel and then a lady's going to meet me.
My goodness.
Anyway, my life's very busy.
I imagine it's sold out anyway, so it probably doesn't need promoting.
But I'm going up there.
I'm going to see Tony Law.
Have you ever heard of Tony Law?
Yeah, he's good.
Is he Canadian?
Yeah, he's brilliant.
He's a very funny stand-up.
Can't wait for that.
But next week I'm thinking of going and seeing crank every day right crank is is a new movie with with Jason How do you say say them stay them?
Yeah, and But I'd what is it?
I've all I've seen is the ad he's been injected with something that Means that if his adrenaline levels go down.
He'll die.
Yeah, it's like speed in a body and
Right, exactly.
Yeah?
Okay.
So if he stops being adrenalised, he'll die.
It's a good idea.
Yeah.
Do you think that was the pitch?
Speed within the human body?
Probably.
The film speed rather than the drug?
Yeah.
Probably.
There you go.
He's going to be a big star.
He's doing well.
Yeah.
He's kind of got this relentless B-movie thing going on.
He's very good at kicking down doors.
He looks serious.
He's charismatic in Revolver.
I mean, you know, he does a pretty good job in the face of pretty extraordinary odds.
Actually, he was at the Revolver premiere.
Do you remember when I went to see it?
I do remember.
And I was with my friend Edgar and Stratham was pushing... How do you say his name again?
Statham?
Statham was pushing through us.
to say hello to one of his gangster mates.
And this was just at the Odeon Leicester Square.
But he used my friend, he like climbed over Edgar.
He put his just hand on his shoulder, didn't even know who he was, but put his hand on his shoulder and pushed up using just using another human as a weight, you know, just as a piece of ballast.
Edgar's quite handy for that.
He's the right size though.
Yeah, but I thought it was a little bit, you know, a little bit demeaning.
Well, he should count himself lucky that Statham didn't just shoot him right in the face.
That's true.
You know?
Because that's what he usually does if he doesn't like you.
Okay, it's ad break time and then we are coming back with the X list, of course, so get your requests in.
Don't forget to give us a call if you want to take part in Rock and Reel or Rock and Rubs, our competition in the next hour.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
That's 0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
We'll be back shortly.
Okay, listen, this is the beginning of the X-list.
It's Adam and Jo here and I'm straight in with the wrong track there.
Santi, what's going on?
Track 19.
Track 19?
I thought you said track 9.
You know, they sound very similar.
You've got to say everything five times for me.
Let's kick off the X-list with this one, which is hopefully from the police.
quite scratched this one's Anthony listen to it that is your fault that's not authentic that's scratch that CDs scratched get your coat get your coat okay right that you forced me to play the b-52s instead now
Fantastic, that was the B-52s with 52 girls.
They're supposed to be Osama Bin Laden's favourite band.
Why?
Who says?
Well, I was kind of away at that festival, but wasn't there a thing in the papers where a woman who was purported to have had an affair with him?
Poop-board.
She had an affair with his poo-board.
what uh no that's not true this is all speculative uh anyway she claimed to have uh like gone out with him when he was a student or something and she was describing what his like um day-to-day tastes were and apparently he's a big fan of the b-52s really that makes sense doesn't it
Yeah, yeah, well they had a joke about this story on the Friday Night Project last night.
A joke?
They had a joke on the Friday Night Project?
It resembled a joke in structure and form, but there was no actual humour involved, obviously.
Right.
But I think they were talking about the fact that it was Celine Dion or something, or no, no, it was... Oh, I don't... No, no, it was what's-her-name who used to be married to Bobby Brown and takes drugs.
Yeah, Whitney Houston.
He thought she was the most attractive woman in the world.
Yeah.
He thought that his girlfriend should dress up like her Yeah, but this could all be a hoax
It could all be a hoax.
Yeah, exactly.
She could be lying.
It could be just rumours spread to discredit him, do you think?
But listen, possibly, possibly, how dare they?
To discredit Osama bin Laden.
But listen, talking of whatever you were just talking about, we need to send out a warning, radio listeners, about this new Robbie Williams single.
Oh yeah.
And you know, we're not alone in thinking it's terrible because the Sun's Bazaar column, it's called Rude Box.
Yeah.
And Victoria Newton, who writes The Sun's Bazaar Column, calls it the worst record in history.
That's pretty categorical, isn't it?
Yeah, that's damning with faint praise, isn't it?
Rude box, rude burst, star star star star, uh, more like.
You can tell what she's getting at.
We're going to play you a little bit of this Robbie Williams single.
Now, I know this is XFM, so you wouldn't usually hear stuff like this, but Wes, this does serve a purpose, because what Williams is doing is single-handedly ruining an entire genre of music, right?
He's trying to jump on the kind of streets bandwagon.
Well, this is a mishmash of all kinds of things.
You know, Rude Box, it even sounds like the title of a Beck track, Disco Box, from Beck's album O'Delay, and it owes a great deal to Beck's last album, Gero, the kind of video game sounds that he's got in there.
Yeah, but he's doing kind of white rapping in a kind of sort of bored, kind of slice-of-life way.
Yeah, that's his... Full of contemporary-like youth buzzwords.
This single is almost as if he's sat down at a corporate meeting where they've come up with a list of contemporary youth buzzwords that he's got to fit into the song.
Semtex, The Matrix.
Have you got the lyrics there?
Yeah, I've got the lyrics.
He mentions old school Adidas, TK Maxx, Michael Jackson, Booty, the Special Olympics, sort of trendy things to drop into his rap.
Are the Special Olympics trendy?
Well, they kind of are, yeah, because South Park always take the mickey out of them and there was that Johnny Knoxville film, so it is quite hip to make Special Olympics jokes.
This is my favourite line.
It's wrong.
Rude box, up your jacksie, split your keks, sing a song of semtex, pocket full of durex, body full of mandrex.
Are we gonna have sex?
Yes.
Yes we are.
It's sort of Desperate Dog Roll.
Anyway, shall we have a listen?
So there's the Beck thing at the beginning there.
Yeah, and this is a sample from a fantastic record coming up.
It's by Sly and Robbie Boops, right?
It does that kind of bored thing of like me, I can't be bothered and you know.
So the Rude Box, he got it from the back of a spaceship.
What is a Rude Box?
It's... It's... Is it like your pants?
Mmm... Is it like your, like, er... your, like, er... where your Rude Bits are kept?
Yeah.
What's a Rude Box?
Well, it's a cricketing thing, isn't it?
Oh, like a kind of thing to protect your... your natties?
Yeah, it's a protective... it's a protective box.
And this is... Is that really what it is?
This is the Sly and Robbie bit here.
to bonk until you drop is that what you're saying oh i don't know we better look at our lyric sheets but that's uh boobs by slime robbie is a fantastic record and now no to bump until you drop now you we won't be able to listen to that without people thinking we're robbie williams fans
The Matrix!
Take both pills!
They've taken out a swear word just before that.
So it sounds as if he's just randomly saying like cool things he thinks are cool.
Yeah, that's right.
the matrix the matrix naughty monkeys no he's saying f the matrix oh is he and that's been removed there so as far as we we know on the radio he just likes the matrix and if in case you catch the video to this listeners have a good look at it it's kind of um trying to be like a uh hype williams video you know a shiny hip-hop video but it actually looks as if it's been directed by andy peters
No disrespect to Andy Peters, but the video looks like the opening sequence to some CBBC show hmm It's got hip-hop dancers, but they're good on a sort of BBC level.
That's right.
You know looks like a BBC ident Yeah, it really does and and it's one of those videos that actually there's nothing going on in it other than just some people dancing in a fairly lazy
special technique that makes it look like they've got kind of fluorescent green jelly on there.
Sure.
And Robbie Williams wears a tracksuit with raster colours on the kind of lapels to prove his urban credentials.
And he also flicks a V to the camera.
That's right, a V sign.
Because he cares so little.
Yeah, he really doesn't give a sausage.
He doesn't give too much.
He doesn't care.
He doesn't care a tiny
He's so naughty he should be stopped.
A cornflake.
He should be stopped.
It's kind of like naughty music for mums.
He's a naughty man.
It's hip hop for mums.
The streets for mums.
Go on mum.
Now mum can be into the streets too with new Robbie Williams.
And it's got Omega 3.
And it's stuffed full of Omega 3.
Stinks of old fish.
Mum, instead of food, can I just have Omega 3 for lunch please?
Yes you can.
I've got a big plate of it right here.
Turn it off now, please turn it off.
OK, here's the real deal.
Sly and Robbie, yeah, with Boops, Here to Go.
That's the song that Robbie Williams has kind of hijacked.
for his extraordinary Rude Box.
I wonder if it'll be a hit Rude Box.
I mean, he's got his finger on the popular pulse more than we do, I suppose.
Has he?
I think so.
He's done pretty well for himself, hasn't he?
Yeah, he's done well.
Who knows?
Well done.
Well done, Robbie.
I think we should do a version of it, though, don't you?
I think we might have a go at doing our own version of it and maybe play it to you in the next couple of weeks.
Yeah.
Because if we can cash in on some of Robbie's... Yeah, he's sort of established a formula there that we could copy.
Very easily, I think even a five-year-old child could copy it.
I tell you what, I'll write a list of cool things, like I'm going to start with iPod, and then I'm going to write Xbox 360.
Hey, you know what, this is something that, because I think apparently young people listen to this show.
Really?
Yeah.
We could ask some of them what, you know, we need a list of cool things we can put in our Robbie Williams song, yeah?
Yeah, so text us in.
I'm kicking you off with iPod and Xbox 360 Arctic monkeys.
These are just things that people just randomly, you know, if you want to grab a kind of fashionable phrase quickly, these are the things you'd reach for.
And we need some things that may be a bit younger.
This is more like the word readers.
What about knife crime?
Ideas that we're having at the moment.
Knife crime.
What could I rhyme knife crime with?
What about oyster card?
Yeah, oyster.
Oyster card.
It's a bit London-centric.
Yeah, that's true.
But anyway, if you've got any more suggestions for just instant, sort of, fashionable things, text them.
War on Terror.
That's good.
War on Terror.
I tell you what you could send us in, actually.
Text us on 83XFM.
Rhymes.
Because the rhymes are the tricky thing.
Yeah.
Like, because what does he rhyme?
Semtex with Durex?
Yeah, Semtex with Durex and Mandrex.
That's clever stuff, you see.
Mandrex?
It's Mandrex, isn't it?
Yeah, I don't know what that is.
Because the clever thing is to rhyme something very sort of important like Semtex with something apparently trivial like Durex.
Andrex would have been a better rhyme.
And then he's got, what else has he got?
Someone's texted in the Robbie song is Do The Bartman with rude words.
That's quite true, isn't it?
It does sound like Do The Bartman.
Nina, thanks for that.
Oh, here's another line that he's got in his song.
OK then, check the tan line.
Make your body shape like you stood on a landmine.
There you go, trivialising landmines.
Nice one, Robbie.
Call me on my mobile, not the landline.
and then jack the main line at the same time.
I don't understand.
You know what my favourite line in it is?
He goes, if you try to jack me, I'll rude box you.
And if you rude box me, I'll rude box your whole crew.
What sort of confrontation would that be late at night in Brixton?
Did you just try to jack me?
I'm going to rude box you if you jack me one more time.
That's a formal warning.
And if you rude box me, I'll rude box your whole crew.
What does it, what would he do?
What does it mean?
I've got a box and I've done a farce in it.
And I'm going to open it near your face.
Ooh, the stink, the waft.
Can you smell it, the waft?
Don't touch me again.
Bye.
It's a giant pump.
It could easily take care of your whole crew.
I've written the word Willy in the matchbox.
He says, whooping.
I'm going to open it in front of your face.
Willy, Willy.
Christ using his roo box on us.
Run, everybody, quick.
We'll be back shortly.
That's good, isn't it?
That's Thom Yorke with Harrow Downhill.
Is that his internet only release thing?
No, no, you can get that in the shops.
Can you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's on the Eraser album.
and I think it's probably the first single from that album.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
We've been fielding a couple of calls from I think maybe disgruntled Robbie fans.
Robbie Williams fans.
So sorry about that.
But listen it's competition time.
In a second we're going to play rock and reel or rock and rubs where you call in and you have to guess which band names are real and which are rubbish.
There's 10 of them.
Yeah.
And if you get, are we doing, are we going to play two people off each other?
No, we'll just do the one, I think.
We'll just do the one, and basically if you play you get to win either the tickets to see the Mystery Jets or a weekend pass to Fright Fest, the horror film festival happening in Leicester Square this weekend.
And we should also mention we were talking about, what's it called, Crank?
Crank.
Yeah, the exciting film about the man who has a special drug injected into his heart, whereby he'll die if he doesn't, if he stops doing exciting things.
Yes!
I've got the opposite drug.
Crank!
Is that a nickname for your son when he gets angry?
No, no, no.
You should start.
I call him Gort.
Gort?
Yeah.
Who's that?
Some sort of alien?
Yeah, he's the robot in When the Earth Stood Still.
Oh yes.
You know, he's a nice robot though.
Anyway, music now.
Here's one from The Strokes.
This is off one of their singles.
I think it's a B-side, but it's a brilliant B-side.
It's called When It Started.
No, what is it with me and my buttons today?
What is it with you and your buttons?
You've been injected with a drug that makes you select the wrong CD.
You know what?
I had the wrong... Cool booze.
I had the wrong disc in the box.
That's what it is.
The thing is that we spend a lot of time doing our podcast, you know?
And then preparation for the radio show tends to... Go down the tubes.
Go on the back burner.
Well, you know I've got the wrong CD in here, so I'm gonna have to play this track.
It's James Barron and the Famous Flames with mashed potatoes.
That's good.
Make it up!
Yeah, that was an unexpected bit of James Brown there with mashed potato from the ancient past.
From the ancient days.
And we've got a track right now, this is going out to just the Texting Dolphin.
Is that our known name?
Just the Texting Dolphin.
Yeah, exactly.
I know it was a reference to the orange ad, but I was just wondering if it was... So they're proving you wrong.
It is an actual dolphin that texts.
Right.
So they're probably in the Brighton marina.
Yeah.
Does that still exist?
I used to go there as a kid.
I think it does.
Yeah.
I've been forced to think again.
This one is going out to you then texting dolphin.
It's New Order with true faith.
That's New Order.
Even though it sounded like the Pet Shop Boys.
It sounded a lot like the Pet Shop Boys.
Joe was saying that there was a track.
I've been getting away with it all my life.
Was that the Pet Shop Boys and New Order?
Was there a New Order connection there?
Maybe someone could let us know via text.
That sounds very dated now, doesn't it, that?
I mean, still good, but it really sounds... Well, everyone was using the same drum machine for a while, INXS and Fine Young Cannibals.
And the same synthesizer.
Yeah.
and singing in the same way.
But I remember it being an exciting time, though.
It was an enjoyable time for music.
Yeah.
You know?
It wasn't exactly pushing boundaries, but it was... It's true.
It was fun.
Yeah.
And it had all those videos choreographed by the funny costume man.
You remember?
Where they're all jumping up in the air in strange ways.
Oh, that's right.
The French guy.
Yeah.
Who did those Kodak adverts and all the Grace Jones videos.
That's right.
Yeah.
I do remember him.
Listen, we've got a caller on the line.
Miles.
Hello, Miles.
Hello, Adam.
How are you?
I'm actually Joe, but I'm very well into you.
Sorry, mate, don't worry.
It's an easy mistake to make.
And Miles, you've got a request, but before we get to that, you're going to play our competition, right?
Yeah, rock and roll, that's right.
Yeah, yeah.
And you know how this competition works?
Oh dear, I've heard it last week.
I think I know how it works, yeah.
And are you fairly confident?
Do you think you're good at telling fake band names from real band names?
Because it's hard these days.
We'll see, won't we?
What score do you reckon you'll get out of ten?
Yeah, we've never had the full ten, but here's the jingle just to remind you of the rules.
So there you go.
How do you feel after that Miles?
Any different?
more confident good that's you pick things up a bit good so are we ready yeah yeah so i'm going to read out 10 band names five of them are from the enemy gig listings uh this week and the other five are made up all you have to do miles is after each one say either real or rubs depending on whether you think they're real or made up and if you score over seven
I think.
What?
You're telling me he won't get a prize if he scores less than seven?
Yeah, he won't.
No.
There's got to be some kind of incentive, though.
You know, this isn't just some kind of kid Saturday morning TV.
Yeah, we're not soft like Richard and Judy.
You say we pay.
We're brutal.
Are you all right, Miles?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
OK, here we go.
I'm going to read them out in the style of the shipping forecast, just to keep things mellow.
And here we go with rock and reel or rock and rubs.
Number one.
Electricity comes from other planets.
I reckon that's rubs.
Number two.
Andy Crane's Dirty Boots.
I reckon that's rubs as well.
Number three.
New York alcoholic anxiety attack.
It's gotta be real.
Number four.
The Star Souls.
Real.
Number five.
The difficult third album.
Number 6.
100,000 hits.
Real?
Number 7.
The Verrucas.
Verrucas?
I reckon that's real.
Number 8.
French car and the bulimic wizards.
That's Rob's.
Number 9.
Johnny Big Nuts.
That's got to be real.
Number 10 The Disappointing Friday
Okay.
Miles, you were so very confident and assertive.
Yeah, that was confident.
I like the way you played that game, Miles.
I imagined you a bit like Danny Dyer in the business.
Right.
Sitting in a pool, like in a lounger with a can of beer.
I imagined that as well.
Yeah.
I wish I was, mate.
I'm actually laying in bed at the moment.
Yeah.
Really?
I bet you were quite successful in life though, aren't you?
Because you know what you're talking about, Miles.
I hope so.
How did I do that?
How did I do?
Well, Miles, you scored six out of ten.
I scored six.
Does that mean I'm not getting a prize?
Well, we can probably bend the rules.
Let's just talk him through.
Let's see how heinously badly he did.
Electricity Comes From Another Planet's You Thought That Was Rubs.
That's a real band.
Really?
Yeah.
Andy Crane's Dirty Boots, correctly identified as Rubs.
New York Alcoholic Anxiety Attack, correctly identified as real.
The Star Souls, real.
The Difficult Third Album, real.
100,000 hits you thought they were real that's that's rubbish the Veruca's Correctly identified as real French car and the bulimic wizards.
They're real you feel that was rubbish Johnny big nuts you thought was real Johnny big nuts.
It's not real The disappointing Friday you correctly identified as rubbish so yes six out of ten Why would the why would a band call themselves call themselves the difficult third album?
And what will they do when they make their third album?
Well, that was one of the rubbish ones.
Oh, that was rubbish, was it?
Yeah, did I say that was real?
Sorry.
I think you did, yeah.
OK, yeah, no, that would be a terrible name for a man.
Miles, you've got a choice of prizes.
We'll give him a prize anyway, right?
Yeah, we should do.
I'm just saying we're not like Richard and Judy, we are like Richard and Judy.
Do you want to go and see the Mystery Jets or do you want to go to the Fright Fest horror movie film festival?
The Mystery Jets is on Monday the 18th of September.
Fright Fest is happening as we speak and continues till Monday.
I think I'll go to see the Mystery Jets, actually.
Good choice.
Mystery Jets, tickets are coming your way.
Thanks a lot for calling.
Fantastic, fantastic.
Now, what's your request?
Yeah.
I wanted to hear Talking Heads with Ropes Nowhere.
Fantastic choice.
Here it is for you.
Thanks a lot for calling, Miles.
Cheers.
Thank you very much.
Cheers, mate.
Well, we know where we're going.
We're on a road to nowhere.
That's Talking Heads with Road to Nowhere.
That was from around about the same era as that previous New Order track.
Yeah.
And we must say that we were asking whether there was a New Order and Pet Shop Boys connection.
Of course there was.
Many people have texted in to say that the band was electronic and it consisted of Bernard Sumner and Johnny Marr and Neil Tennant.
There you go.
Electronic.
There have been so many kind of New Order offshoots.
Monaco, and that's it.
So many of them.
Have we got a requesting person on the line?
What is their name?
We don't know.
It's a mystery person.
Hello, mystery person.
Hello.
How are you, mate?
Yeah, not bad, not bad.
That is well echoey on your phone.
Yeah, I'm sitting right next to the radio.
Shall I turn it down?
Yeah, I would.
I would.
Sounds quite cool though.
It did sound quite wicked.
Turn it up again.
Turn it up again?
Yeah, go on.
You do the beatbox in the background.
That was quite good, wasn't it?
So, what is your name?
Name, name.
Hello, hello.
Jack.
Hello, Jack.
And you work in a Polish food shop?
Well, only today.
It's the first day I'm helping a mate out who's gone on holiday.
Are you?
And it's very Polish, yes.
Those are nice cakes, they're like.
There are.
They've got cakes, donuts.
Have you nicked a couple?
Not yet.
After my lunch I probably will.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Just nick some of the cherries.
Yeah, yeah.
And what would you like to hear then?
Anything by roots I knew would be good.
That's a good request.
We'll witness the fitness too.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Yeah, definitely.
The Crofton massive.
What is it?
The Crofton?
What is it?
Something like that.
Well, this one's going out to you.
Have a good day and thanks very much indeed for calling.
Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye.
Yeah, I love those noises.
That's very good, isn't it, that one?
That sounded all nice and tickly in my... Ruth Manuva.
That's good.
There's got to be a lot of compression on that, right?
Do you think?
What do you mean?
I don't know.
Let's talk about it more, then.
That's what hip-hop people say sometimes.
That's how they get those amazing sub-bass sounds.
Is it?
I thought compression is what they do to adverts to make them sound inconceivably louder than...
the programs around yeah same sort of theory i think yeah pushing all the frequencies into one squeeze them all in sandwich so decibel wise it's the same i'm talking through my hat can you hear me talking through my hat i'm talking through my hat hey listeners thanks for sticking with us we've only got 10 minutes uh left so you know that if you're enjoying it the pleasure is almost over if you're hating it the misery is nearly at an end the angry caller said we were lofty
We've been accused of being lofty from EastEnders.
He means we're like lofty from EastEnders.
He means we're like Nick Barry.
Yeah, he thinks we do the sport on Radio 5 Live.
He said to Xanthe, they're lofty.
You know what I mean, don't you?
You're encouraging him by reacting to it.
I know, but everyone should have their say.
I get stung by any bit of criticism.
Hey, here's some exciting stuff that's happened in our lives this week.
Let it go, Adam.
Let it go.
Think about the positive.
We've had a YouTube adventure this week, right, Adam?
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Adam posted an old clip from the Adam and Joe show, our clip of the Star Wars crystal maze on YouTube, and it got to number two.
In three days, it got 350,000 hits.
I think it's plateaued now, though.
Has it?
Well, yeah, it's dropping down now.
Yeah.
But it got over 700 comments.
700 comments?
Yeah!
And most of them were positive.
Most of them were positive, some of them were spam, some of them hated it.
Some of them hated it.
A minority.
That's enough to get us rich, isn't it?
Uh, well, if they were all... 350,000 hits in three days.
If they just gave us one penny... And Channel 4 dropped us.
They said we'd... What did they say?
They didn't actually drop us, man.
They did.
No, well, they just didn't invite us back.
They said the show had run its course.
It wasn't droppage though.
They were much longer course We could still be doing it now.
You could still be doing it.
They dropped it.
What do they know instead?
They put on the Friday night project and Big Brother and whatever those they're more in touch with what's happening now Joe's as simple as they are well
We're past it.
You know, you watch whatever, and that's a reflection of what people are really like.
Yeah, evil.
People are evil.
Kids are evil.
It's clear by watching whatever, it's clear that all kids are interested in is sex and killing.
That's true, isn't it?
And that's a great message to send the kids.
Give them their own TV show and encourage them to make segments about gangs and dildos.
I like swearing, right?
I enjoy swearing.
But there's a limit.
And the whole fun of swearing is doing it at the right time and in moderation, right?
So for example, it's not useful.
It's the timing.
Yeah, it's the timing.
But in whatever...
It was just every other word was doing the swearing.
But you know what?
We should talk about whatever in more detail next week.
We should study it more closely.
We'll study it more closely.
It's on at 11 o'clock on Channel 4 and it could be the most miserable thing ever to grace British TV screens.
I mean, it's just another chapter in Channel 4's continuing effort to remake the word.
Or maybe we're missing it, and maybe it's brilliant, and if you are a young teenager, maybe it speaks directly to your passion for swearing, filth, and death.
Just like Zoo Magazine.
Good times!
OK, well that's pretty much it for this week.
Don't forget that our new podcast is out on Monday.
It does have some swearing, but it's been bleeped.
You know, we're trying to have our cake and eat it as far as repelling and attracting people.
Hope you enjoy it.
It's all new stuff, incidentally, because, you know, I got the tapes from last week's show.
It was a load of old wallies.
It was rubbish.
So I didn't use any of it.
So we recorded some new stuff.
So you know.
So yeah, don't let the quality of this Saturday show, you know, think that it's going to be the same quality as the podcast.
That's a nicely constructed sentence.
Well I kind of drifted off in the middle of it and started thinking about going home.
All right, so listen folks, have a great time this weekend.
If you're in Edinburgh, I hope the weather improves for you and you have a marvellous time there.
Thanks a lot, because I am.
What?
In Edinburgh.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did I say Edinburgh?
You meant to say Reading.
I meant Reading.
So you drifted off and thought about going home as well.
I thought about going to Edinburgh as well.
If you're in Edinburgh, I hope the weather's good as well.
Alright?
I meant it.
I'm not insane.
Let's just go.
Let's just scrap this.
Jerk.
Play a record, let's leave.
Alright, I'm going to leave you with this one from Fats Domino.
Thanks for listening, we'll see you next week.
This is the fat man.
Love you, bye!
Bye.