Fantastic.
That was trains to Brazil from Guillemots and before... Is that how you pronounce it?
Yes.
Guillemel.
It's horrible.
It's sort of drizzly.
And it's not freezing cold, that's one good thing.
No.
No, it's not.
It's not too cold.
It's an enforced nesting day, listeners.
Yeah.
So if you're lucky enough to still be in bed, just get wrapped up in the duvet.
Yeah.
Turn on the telly.
Get yourself in, lads.
Don't turn on the telly.
I mean, if they turn on the telly, they won't listen to us.
No, but they could tell.
You silly idiot.
Oh, dear, I didn't think so.
Get out.
I didn't think I'm going by.
Come back.
I was thinking they could turn on the telly and they could watch us on digital.
You know?
Oh, just watch, like, the blank screen.
The blank blue screen.
And listen to the audio.
Exactly.
That's a good idea.
Cos they could listen to it in Surround.
Yeah, like a kind of Derek Jarman.
You know this show goes out in 5.1.
Does it really?
Yeah, it does.
Is that true?
It's not true, no.
Hey, you know what, in fact, the other day, right, I was buying some, it's a quick story, I was buying some DVDs in HMV, I was gonna get, like, the three for £20 thing, and I quite fancied buying that amazing French film about 9-11.
You know, the two French firemen who were caught in one of the towers?
Oh yes, yeah.
Yeah, because it's the anniversary coming up and everything.
That's right.
And I picked it up and I had a look at it and I thought, shall I buy that?
It was either that or the Bourne Supremacy.
Why is that tasteless?
No, it's not tasteless.
No, I mean it was a situation.
It's a tough choice.
So I thought 9-11 documentary or the Bourne Supremacy.
So I flipped them over and I thought, I looked at it because I've just got this new surround sound system at home.
Yeah.
And I thought, I'm not going to buy 9-11, it's only in stereo.
Oh my goodness.
Is that a bad choice to make?
I would have bought it if it had been in 5.1.
If they'd done a few explosions in 5.1, yeah.
It's tasteless, isn't it?
It is a little bit tasteless.
But that process did go through my brain.
Well, you know, Matt Damon probably pops up in the 9-11 thing.
Do you think?
Maybe, yeah, just to make it more exciting.
I'm sure they might have re-shot some bits with him.
Maybe.
Hey listen, we got an exciting email, didn't we, just now?
We did, yeah.
We've got an email.
I mean, maybe we should talk about it a bit later.
Shall we tease the email?
Yeah, let's tease the email.
We've got an email from a television personality.
From a famous celebrity.
And there's great music coming up.
Franz Ferdinand in a second.
Soft Cell.
We've got Soft Cell coming up in the first hour.
Is that exciting?
I don't know if we're going to play that one.
I might hijack that one for a free play.
Plus we've got a crap commentary corner coming up.
Are we going to be playing Rock and Reel and Rock and Rubs or Rock and Rubs?
Yeah, possibly.
I've got to find a copy of the NME.
Right, we'll have a text competition.
And what prizes have we got?
I think we've got Armando Iannucci's Channel 4 series.
Oh, I want to steal that.
To give away.
That's amazing, that show.
Yeah, went out in 2001.
It's kind of a lost classic.
Well it went out around the time of the 9-11 attacks, and so it was sort of buried beneath the media rubble.
In fact it went out just before my equally buried but much much worse talk show I did stupidly on Channel 4 in the summer of 2001.
But it's brilliant, so you can win a copy of that on DVD.
That's right.
And what was I going to say?
Oh yeah, you mentioned it before, we're going to talk about it later on, but we're going to be canvassing opinion or rather trying to get help to create a new Robbie Williams-style Rude Box rap.
Yeah.
We need lots of suggestions for rhymes of like modern things, right?
Is that right?
Yeah, I can't concentrate because scantily clad women have just popped up on my PC.
Who's been sending you scantily clad women?
I don't know, they've just appeared.
Well, I'm gonna have a look at that, but in the meantime... That's a very nice bum.
I wanna see!
Hang on.
I'm gonna play some music and then I'll check out the bum.
Look at those boobs!
Don't do that.
This is the Young Knives.
There you go, that's the Young Knives with Weekends and Bleak Days.
That's an appropriate song to play on a bleak weekend day.
Even though apparently it's gorgeous in stains.
Is it?
Says the texter, yeah.
Hey, I was talking to someone about stains yesterday.
I was having my hair cut and the guy cutting my hair was saying, I was in stains last weekend.
It's really nice.
You know?
Really?
Good convo.
Amazing story.
But don't you think, I was quite surprised, because you've got this picture in your head, because of Ali-G, right?
Of Staines being kind of horrible.
But of course the whole joke about the Ali-G thing was that Staines is a really nice middle class area, with just a nasty sounding name, and it's a very unlikely place.
for a young rapper or urban person.
Correct.
Well, maybe we should go live in Stains.
Stains is nice.
If you're listening in Stains, you're lucky.
You've got it made.
Now, let's read out our email from the famous person.
Yeah, now last week you might have heard us being a little bit derogatory about Channel 4's new youth show, Whatever.
Yeah, that's true.
It's on what time is it on 11 o'clock or something?
11 o'clock, yeah.
Last night.
It's a kind of show.
Not late enough.
Made by the kids for the kids.
Yeah.
Presented by 10 young, uh, wastrels who were allowed to sort of do whatever they want.
That's right.
Uh, and uh, we were being a bit nasty about it.
Instead of setting itself up.
we were being nasty because I mean we are you know I'm jealous it makes me feel old watching that show we got an email that says hello Adam and Joe Dean Warpole here from whatever aka fat bloke with glasses a friend told me today that you didn't like our show very sorry to hear that but you I can't read this bit and then he's flattering about our old show
Uh, but he says, hey, not all whatever was bad.
At least it's better than Big Brother.
I'll probably get in trouble for sending this.
Hugs and kisses, Dean.
He what?
Who's he going to get in trouble from?
Uh, the production crew of Whatever.
No, come on.
The show's supposed to be about anarchy, letting the kids do whatever.
I think it's entirely in keeping that Dean should be able to express.
He hasn't put his own show down anyway.
He's been absolutely professional.
I tell you what we should do.
What?
We should try and get him on the phone.
Dean, will you call in if you're listening or if anyone knows Dean?
Give him a shout.
Tell him we want to talk to him.
We're not going to be horrible at all.
It's very nice of you to send that email.
But we'd love to chat to you about what it's like doing the show.
The making of whatever.
and perhaps you can explain some of it to a confused man in his mid-30s.
I'd really appreciate that.
Give us a call, Dean.
The number is 0871-222-1049.
0871-222-1049.
Right, it's time for our first free play of the day right now.
This is Billy Childish's band, The Buff Medways, and this is a Kinks cover called Misty Water.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
That's the Kaiser Chiefs with Modern Way.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9.
Coming up in a second, competition time.
It's Crap Commentary Corner, the competition where we play you excerpts from a DVD commentary.
You call in and tell us what DVD it is off of and who is talking.
The number is 0871-222-1049.
And this week you can win a Mando Iannucci on DVD.
And have we got tickets?
Yeah, tickets to see Jet at the Brixton Carling Academy and one pair of tickets to see Richard Ashcroft.
That's exciting for someone.
Yeah, absolutely.
Wembley Arena.
Good prizes.
Shall we ask people to start sending in Robbie Williams rhymes now?
No.
No?
No, let's not.
Why not?
Because we could do it later.
But yeah, but I'm thinking that we need to accumulate them throughout the show.
OK, let's then.
OK.
So last week we played Robbie Williams' new single Rude Box, an extraordinary song with some amazing up-to-the-minute rhymes.
Like, he's got some really topical bits of lyrics in there.
For example, just to remind you...
Where is it?
Split your keks, sing a song of Semtex.
There you go.
Pocket full of Durex, body full of Mandrex.
Mandrex.
I find out that Mandrex is a cocktail with Baileys in it.
There you go.
Yeah, so there you go.
And here's some more lyrics.
Where is it?
Oh yeah.
Okay then, check the tan line, make your body shape like you stood on a landmine.
Call me on my mobile, not the landline, and Jack the main line at the same time.
Yeah, it's as if he's like assembled a focus group to come up with the hippest words in a contemporary lexicon.
Political words, edgy words.
Pop cultural words, he gets a crack in at Michael Jackson there.
He does, yeah.
And then he's just assembled these terms into rhyming couplets and constructed a brilliant kind of sub-streets, trendy rap song.
Yeah.
And so we want to do the same thing.
And if we get enough good rhyming couplets, modern style rhyming couplets from you listeners, then we will do our best to wrap over the instrumental version of Rude Box at the end of the show.
Yeah, we're going to create our own single, our own version of Rude Box, because if he can do it, we can.
So get texting 83XFM.
We're looking for kind of rhyming couplets involving fashionable terminology.
We got one last week, didn't we?
Google Maps and something.
Well, I had Nike Frees and Xbox 360s.
That's quite good.
And flat-screen TVs, they all rhyme.
Yeah.
Right?
That's a triplet.
Er... Something about, you know, like, YouTube... Stray Pube, that sort of thing.
That's good.
Yeah.
Er... Well, we're gonna work on some, but we need your contributions as well.
We're gonna keep asking you for those throughout the show.
But coming up in a second is Crap Commentary Corner.
First of all, here's some more music.
This is The Rapture.
Am I insane?
That is just Sesame Street, that song, isn't it?
Do you think?
Yeah.
Sunny day... I'm not gonna do it again.
That was Get Myself Into It by The Rapture.
Very good.
It was too.
This is Adam and Jo here on XFM.
And it's competition time.
It's time to call in.
You could win something amazing.
Let us begin.
Can you guess which film we're playing by hearing what they're saying?
Crap Commentary Corner.
Haven't used that jingle in a while.
Yeah, you can hear why.
It's Crap Commentary Corner.
This is the bit where we play you excerpts from a DVD commentary.
You have to tell us who's talking and what film they're talking over.
This is a pretty easy one.
One of my favourite Irish actors in the world.
So if you know who this is, call 0871 222 1049.
0871 222 1049.
And you can win the prize of your choice out of our amazing range of prizes, tickets and DVDs and stuff.
Here is clip package number one.
It's pretty tough to do this when you've got rubber booties on.
Those are my sunglasses.
I've had those sunglasses for nearly three years.
I decided to wear them in the shot, and I've still got them.
I love this scene.
I love it.
I've never actually heard someone do that.
I haven't heard someone do that for a while.
Do what?
Do that laugh, the Alan Partridge laugh.
He interesting info though, isn't it?
Like about the sunglasses?
Yeah, he still got them.
Yeah, no he used the ones in the film were his and he decided he used them in the film and he did and he still got them.
I mean next time I watch that movie with some friends.
I'm gonna pause it and tell them that.
Yeah.
And they'll think I'm his friend.
That's right.
I mean, amazing inside information there.
08712221049.
You know what I'd like to know?
What?
On the commentary as well.
Do they tell you if the legs he's standing on belong to him?
They don't know.
It would be fascinating to know that though, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
But it is hard to do in little rubber booties.
Maybe it is.
Right.
Yeah.
So that's quite easy, that one.
I know who that is.
I'm not so sure about the film.
Shall we have another clip?
Right, let's have another clip.
This is the clip package number two.
Here we go.
This water was cold.
Every time we got this suit wet, it would shrink.
So I'd end up looking like Pee Wee Herman.
Look, look at the pants.
What can I say about this?
We got it before lunch break.
I remember that.
Yeah.
Whoops.
Oh, he just went out in one ear there for a second.
That was odd.
Sorry, that was my mixing.
Yeah, it's pretty basic who it is.
Yeah.
What's the film?
Some people might not know who it is.
No, no.
But that was another interesting nugget, wasn't it?
That that scene, they finished it before lunch.
Yeah.
That's my favorite kind of commentary.
Oh, wow.
Imagine, finishing it before lunch.
I wonder what they had for lunch.
And I wonder how what they had for lunch affected that afternoon's filming.
I'd like some kind of a statistical track on a DVD that describes what's in every actor's stomach.
Decomposing.
Well, I mean, that could genuinely affect a performance, you know.
Yeah.
And for lunch I had... A big heavy burger.
Yeah, I had a burger, I went for a large bun with sesame seeds, and in the afternoon my performance was rather sluggish when I hit a bit of a tired patch around about 3.30.
It's fascinating stuff.
08712221049 if you know who that was talking and what film they were talking over.
We will find out if anyone's got it right very shortly.
First, here's another free play.
This is The Mighty Radiohead.
That's Radiohead from Kid A. What's it all about?
Everything in its right place.
I don't know.
What's he going on about?
What's it mean?
He's got two people in his head talking to him.
He's mad.
No, two colours.
His colours talk.
Two colours in his head.
He's a genius.
He's got two colours in his head.
So people are getting the right actor.
yeah but the wrong film wrong film should we play a little refresher clip before we go to the ads yeah uh yeah let's hear another clip so see if you know uh know what film he's talking about concentrate on hints about the film here we go took days to do this sequence took months to do the whole thing that pays off in the end magic of it all
It's gonna be interesting sitting beside the Queen at Albert Hall in a couple of weeks time.
But I'm sure she'll like it.
Seeing inside the Queen, did he say?
Yeah, it'll be interesting sitting inside the Queen.
In the Albert Hall.
That was deliberately coming out of just one speaker there, incidentally.
Was it deliberately?
Yeah, no.
What did I do wrong?
I don't know.
So it's a pretty famous film series and if you get that right you can win tickets to see Jet at the Carling Academy or Richard Ashcroft or a copy of the Armando Iannucci shows on DVD 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 if you know Call Now.
Very enjoyable.
That's the Zutons with Valerie.
Did you mean that?
Yeah, I really like that song.
Did you?
Yeah, I wouldn't be ironic about music.
No, no, no.
God forbid.
So we're playing Crap Commentary Competition.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9.
We've got a caller on the line.
What reckons they've got it right?
David.
David, are we supposed to play?
Can you hear me?
Yeah, I can, yeah.
I just can't hear myself.
Are we supposed to play another jingle?
No.
Another jingle?
Yeah, are we supposed to?
Why?
I don't know.
Do you want to?
We can if you want.
I don't know.
Do you want to play a jingle?
Yeah, play the other crap-crometry corner jingle.
Makes it sound more official.
Alright, hang on.
Hold the line, David.
We're gonna play another jingle.
I don't know it just it's like punctuation it's like proper radio you know like other DJs do it's that we're never gonna be like proper radio man you're right
Why don't you listen and see?
Plus, playing this jingle means we've spun this whole competition out for, what, 25 minutes?
And that's ideal.
Go ahead and see.
Oh, brilliant.
I wish it was longer.
Yeah.
David, hello, are you there?
Did you enjoy that jingle?
It was what?
It was really good.
Thanks a lot mate.
What are you up to David, where are you?
In Cardiff.
It's raining everywhere in the UK.
Now you are Welsh?
Are you Cornish?
Oh well done.
Well then I can't talk to you about the Charlotte Church show.
Did you see that last night?
Ah, what, by accident or design?
Erm, by accident.
But if I'd known it was on, it would have been by design.
Yeah, you would have missed it.
It's not bad, the Charlotte Church Show.
It's not bad.
Really?
No.
It's not good.
It's got a lot of Welsh, mystifying Welsh references and jokes and stuff.
As if, like, just mentioning the fact that she's Welsh is enjoyable.
It's very hip right now, Wales.
Glyn, you know, from Big Brother.
Hello, David?
Hello.
Were you saying something there?
And I was agreeing.
Agreeing?
Yeah.
Good man.
Now David, the crap commentary.
Yes.
What do you reckon?
I think it was Pierce Brosnan.
Pierce Brosnan, of course it was Bronholm.
That bit was easy I think.
In Die Another Day.
Correct.
Now a lot of people were saying The Matador.
And I think you were the only person calling who got the right film.
How did you deduce that David?
Well he was talking about those little booties and the rice.
And I thought well he'd get cold feet wouldn't he?
So he'd need booties.
standing on the ice yeah and you know what he was actually talking about the the dreadful pre-credits surfing sequence do you remember that with the awful CGI yeah yeah but that was exciting info about the sunglasses did you realize that those were actually his sunglasses no well rewatch it with that in mind and and and yeah you know he still got those sunglasses yeah
I don't think he'd sell them, cos he still needs them.
He still wears them from time to time.
I thought about selling the glasses, but then I realised that I still needed them.
That's another little nugget for you there.
Well, thanks a lot for calling, David, and congratulations, it's very exciting.
You're excited?
Yeah.
Yeah, what sort of a prize would you like to go for?
Do you want the tickets to see Jet?
or Richard Ashcroft the mopey big-chinned rock star or the spade-faced man or a copy of the ama amando our man what our man no in new g shows
I'm going to go for the Armando Iannucci show.
What an intelligent man you are.
Well done.
Thank you.
So that's it.
What an excellent caller.
Clever man.
Brilliantly executed quiz.
It's all going very well.
Yeah, it's very professional.
Thanks a lot, mate.
Thank you very much indeed.
What are you up to this rest of this weekend?
I'm off on my own.
Where are you going?
I'm going to St.
David's.
Yeah.
Is it?
Down in the bottom left-hand corner.
Oh, you're very sensible to go on a British holiday.
Everybody's doing it.
Not messing with airports or any of that nonsense.
No, absolutely right.
Quite right.
Well, I hope the sun shines for you and you have a wonderful time watching your Armando Iannucci DVD.
I can't wait.
It's a brilliant series, apparently.
So, thanks a lot for calling, David.
Have a great weekend.
Cheers, Andrew.
Bye-bye.
Tutti-bye.
This is... Tutti-bye?
Yeah.
This is Alan and Joe on XFM.
We'll be back after the news and some music.
XFM.
That's Razorlight within the morning.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM on a really miserable Saturday afternoon.
I've got a bit of a cold.
Morning, mate.
It's not afternoon, morning.
Is it?
Yeah.
Did I say afternoon?
Yeah.
Feels like the afternoon though, isn't it?
No!
We've been up for ages.
Yeah.
We've been up like two hours.
Yeah, but we're perky.
You know, upbeat.
DJs, radio DJs, perky, upbeat.
Come on, remember.
I've got a cold.
Yeah, so have I. That's alright.
Look, Xanthe's coughing.
What do you take when you've got a cold?
I need something that's just going to stave off the symptoms for a week.
I've got a busy week coming up.
Right.
What's good is just to keep things at bay.
You know, not a cure.
Anybody?
No.
What, medicinally?
Yeah, anything, anything.
Just extra spren- extra strength anadine.
Really?
Yeah, aspirin or something, yeah, yeah.
I tell you what I do when I'm feeling ill.
What?
I look at Alexa from Pop Wild.
Does that perk you up?
Yeah, I've got problems, listeners, with Alexa from Pop Wild.
Because you love her.
I just think that she's just completely, like, the perfect woman.
She's so attractive.
What, is there anything unattractive about Alexa from Pop World?
And plus, listen, as Adam Buxton just told me, she goes out.
Is this indiscreet to say this?
Maybe.
It might be, but apparently she goes out with a considerably older man.
Yeah.
I mean, older than me.
Quite a lot older than me.
You know?
And how old is Alexa from Pop World?
22?
Early 20s, yeah.
Yeah.
I love her.
I love her, the way she angles her feet in, like her toes pointing together.
Yeah.
I love her face.
I love the fact that she looks a bit confused.
That's my perfect woman, slightly confused.
And I, you know, I might develop some kind of psychopathic stalking thing for Alex Zane.
Yeah.
Because he touches her.
On a regular basis.
During the links.
I know.
And looks at her.
I fancy Alex Zane.
Do you?
Yeah, he's wearing makeup in Pot World this week.
Is he?
Maybe we should do a kind of bisexual stalking thing.
Mm-hmm double date.
Yeah, I'll do Alexa you do.
I'll start Alex saying yeah, I Honestly wouldn't mind a snog off Alex saying really he's a very attractive man.
I wouldn't mind a snog off Alexa I you know, I wouldn't either to be on about what about it
a kind of big sexy pop world snogger snoggerama snog party arms legs everywhere nobody knows what's what i imagine all rules are thrown out the window it's just pure love and bodies i imagine people are feeling ill now listening to this disgusting description exactly
I'm feeling sexy.
Yeah.
Well, we're gonna play Lily Allen in a bit.
Oh, that'll pour cold water on that.
But hey, I've got a free play that connects to Lily Allen.
Are we gonna play my free play first?
Yeah.
Okay, let me get my notes.
Right, so my theory listeners, I've got a theory about this.
Damon Auburn has a record label, it's called Honest John's.
It's a sort of collaboration between him and a famous record shop called Honest John's.
And they've released this brilliant compilation of Trinidadian Calypso, basically Calypso recorded by the first wave of Caribbean immigrants who came to London
in the fifties and sixties and there's a great track on this compilation called London is the place for me which we're about to play you but my theory is that Lily Allen, Keith Allen, Damon, Auburn they're all kind of linked I think Lily Allen might have heard this song and based her hit London
around it, right?
It's just spelled L... L-D-N.
L-D-N.
Yeah.
So I think she might have basically based her single on this.
So have a listen to this.
This is Lord Kitchener.
It's called London is the place for me and it starts with the Bells of Big Ben done by a piano.
And this is fantastic.
Listen to this.
Yeah, it's a little bit scratchy because it was recorded in 1951.
But, you know, hold that in your mind and then listen to this Lily Allen track.
And basically, she's just done a new version of it.
So that was Lord Kitchener, right?
And that's, what's the compilation that's from?
The compilation's called London Is The Place For Me, which is also the name of that track.
It's got some, I mean, it's a really great record.
It's got a track about just being frightened of the underground.
You'd like it.
It's really good.
It's got another track about cricket at Lord's.
A track about being at the coronation.
Oh, it's really good.
That's a good idea.
They could do a new compilation.
Lily Allen and the Streets and people like that.
Reflections on the modern London as well.
Yeah, that's a very good idea.
That's a brilliant idea, isn't it, that I just came up with?
Right, here's Lily Allen.
Whee!
Space noises.
Space.
I love space.
Courtesy of Lily Allen.
That was, uh, L-L-L-L- L-D-N.
That's what they put on the baggage tags, right?
Right.
When you're at the airport.
Hey, you flew to Scotland last weekend, right?
That's correct, Adam.
And, uh, what was it like, uh, traveling under the current circumstances?
It was fine.
It was really easy.
Was it?
Yeah.
No, no difference at all.
But that might just be for internal flights.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's still a bit bad if you fly internationally.
Travel news.
Were you allowed to take your water on board?
No I took no fluids on board.
And did they give you lots of water?
I'm suspicious of that.
I think it's just a way for BAA to make more money in their stupid shops.
Selling people water?
Yeah, cos you're only allowed to take on board stuff you've bought in the shops.
That's convenient, isn't it?
Oh, really?
Yeah.
So you can take water on board?
So ladies, ladies who want to keep their complexions young, and one lady doesn't.
early signs of wrinkles by your eyes there, Boswell Locks, Boswell Locks.
Ladies who want to keep their skin fresh on a dehydrating flight have to put their cosmetics in their, you know, check-in luggage, and then they have to buy all new stuff at duty-free and smear it on.
So if you buy it from the shops you can take it on board?
You can take it on, it's just a scam.
I reckon there's a conspiracy between the terrorists and the government.
more money on face cream.
That's a very challenging theory.
Now I think I found the most boring book about rock and roll ever, ever written.
Do you ever read rock books, Joe?
No.
Or music books?
Sometimes.
And do you find them enjoyable generally?
If it's about someone I'm interested in, yes.
Yeah, what's the best music book you ever read?
The Marvin Gaye biography I thought was amazing.
Oh that was, what's his name, the guy who wrote that?
I don't know, David something, can't remember.
I remember the guy you mean, yeah that was supposed to be brilliant.
Yeah it's brilliant.
One of the best ones I ever read was about talking heads and it's called fa fa fa fa fa or something like that.
It's kind of pretentious but it's
And another brilliant one I read was in this series that this book is from.
It's called 33 and a Half is the series of books and I've mentioned them before on this show.
They're like little pocket sized books and you can buy them in record shops and book shops and stuff.
And they're about so-called classic albums.
You know, the albums like... Can you like buy them on the counter at HMV sort of thing?
I would think you probably could, yeah.
Albums like Harvest by Neil Young, Grace by Jeff Buckley, Led Zeppelin, Low by David Bowie, London Calling by The Clash, Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys.
All of them have had books written about them, you know?
And I read one about the Pixies Doolittle, which was really, really good.
It was fantastic.
Really enjoyed it.
But the one you've got in your hand is about OK Computer.
Yeah, which is one of my favourite albums.
There's a whole book about one album.
Yeah.
And if you're a muso and a nerd and you're really in love with an album, it's nice just to wallow in lots of anecdotes and discussions about how the album came together.
Anyway, the guy who wrote this book, Di Griffiths, is a professor in music in Oxford, some Oxford College, I believe, or maybe a Cambridge College.
And he has taken a deliberately studious approach to the whole thing.
Very kind of... Read us a bit.
Are you gonna read us a bit?
He's head of the Department of Music at Oxford Brookes University.
There you go.
And I think he immediately says in the beginning of the book...
This isn't going to be just loads of anecdotes about the band and how the album came together.
You just think, oh, no, that's what I wanted.
Instead, he takes the most clinical approach to music that I've ever read in my life and simultaneously removes all the fun and enjoyment that you get from an amazing album, which is what OK Computer is.
Check this out.
I might read you a few bits of this throughout the show.
Here we go.
He's talking about OK.
Let Down, which is a track from the album, is fast, but doesn't necessarily sound fast.
The pulse of the vocal line proceeds at double speed.
Minims in the sheet music, fitter, happier, also sounds looser and freer than the speed indication suggests.
The speed column isn't as technical as it may seem, the numbers indicating beats per minute.
The slow section of Paranoid Android is just over 60 beats per minute, so that looking down at the second hand of the watch will show its pace.
Let down is two to the second, and again the watch will show how lively that is.
Electioneering is five beats per two seconds.
Slower paced songs fill the time easier simply by working through their verses.
Additional material will be found in the medium and quickly paced songs.
And it goes on like that for pages and pages and pages.
I might pick out another bit for you a bit later on, because it's just unbelievable.
And I struggled right the way through the book hoping that it would suddenly get interesting, but then it just takes more amazing turns into stupefying boredom.
But you'll still read it, won't you?
The whole thing?
Yeah, I will read the whole thing.
Because I'm a jerk.
OK, let's play some music and then go to the ads.
What have we got now?
I think we've got some Morrissey, haven't we?
If we're sticking to the playlist.
No, we're jumping around a little bit.
What?
OK, this is The Vines.
This is Don't Listen to the Radio.
Why, he's still talking and he's fading out.
He had important things to say about his doorbell.
No, he made his point.
He's been thinking about the doorbell.
But he got bored of himself.
When they're gonna ring it, when they're gonna ring it.
He's been going on and on about the doorbell and the ringing.
So listen, we want you folks to send in some ideas for lyrics for our cover, well, it's our version of Robbie Williams's Rude Box.
right yeah yeah yeah yeah just to remind you we've already got quite a few uh texts and people are already responding and we've got some quite high quality stuff in we're looking for rhyming couplets that involve fashionable phrases you know nothing too well no you can send in clever stuff but we're not asking for like hugely sophisticated things stuff like uh what did i have xbox
and something.
What do I have now?
Xbox 360, flat screen TV, that sort of thing.
Yeah.
You know?
And the best thing is to combine something trivial with something quite serious.
Like Robbie does.
What does he do Semtex with?
Durex.
Yeah.
Right?
And Mandrex.
Yeah, because it's kind of, um...
you know, the modern world and a young person's attitude to the modern world.
You know, how can you discern between serious issues and trivial issues in this trivialised world?
You know what, I woke up in the middle of the night.
I want you to tell me I'm insane, right?
You're insane.
No, tell me in a second.
I woke up in the middle of the night and I thought...
What if Robbie is doing this deliberately to be funny?
Is this song a parody?
Well, you can't tell, can you?
I mean, you could ask the same question about the streets.
Yeah.
But the streets, I mean, the streets, it's wry, it's kind of street humour, isn't it?
Yeah, but there's no doubt Robbie's trying to be, whether he's trying to be funny or not, he's trying to be cool.
Yeah.
He thinks it's cool.
Do you really think so?
That's not in dispute, yeah.
Are you sure it's not just Robbie's, he's just, you know, anti-cool, the whole thing?
What, and you think the laugh's on us?
Maybe.
Maybe we're taking it too seriously.
You're insane.
I'm insane.
Thank goodness.
Thank goodness for that.
See, that's what I wanted to hear.
You can't say that.
You'll ruin our whole text competition.
Well, I know.
I just had to get it off my mind.
What are we going to do for the next one?
Obviously, that's possible.
It can't be possible.
I want you to tell me I'm insane.
Well, no, he's famously got a sense of humour.
His dad's a red coat.
He's tongue-in-cheeky-chappy Robbie Williams, isn't he?
Yeah, but the key thing is does he think it's cool?
Of course he thinks it's cool.
Right, right.
Yeah, he thinks he's got two'd.
Dude yeah, dude, huh?
Well that's okay then.
Okay, so, so, so, right, we're continuing, we're not going to call off this text competition.
No.
Send in your rhyming couplets, we'll give a prize to the best one, and in fact we're going to construct our own version of a Rudebox-esque song out of your fashionable rhyming couplets, right?
Yeah, and it doesn't have to be like fashionable in the sense of sort of, you know, trends and fashion, it can also be, it can also be just anything zeitgeisty, right?
Yeah.
Anything sort of newsworthy, crapply,
modern yeah so text 83 XFM with your crappie modern zeitgeisty rhyming couplets and after this record we're going to read out some of the best ones what we've got in now I've got a top copy of one of my favorite albums a toppy a toppy I've got a copy of wireless by Thomas Dolby golden age of wireless I'm not gonna play she blinded me with science right cause the version of that on here is one of the one of those ones where he's just remixed it for no reason yeah you're talking to me specifically because nobody listening will know what you're talking about
Some people will remember Thomas Goldmy.
I'm going to ask you which track shall I play off here between Europa and the Pirate Twins, Wind Power or One of Our Submarines?
I'd play Europa and the Pirate Twins.
Europa and the Pirate Twins?
Yeah, radio friendly.
It's a good story this, it's a story song about a guy whose girlfriend becomes famous and he doesn't.
Yeah, that's the end of the story.
And it also used to be the theme music for a, I think it was a Radio 1 show called B-15.
Ah, that's exciting news.
You should write a book about it, so sell on the counter at HMV.
Maybe I will.
Oh no, I've got the wrong thing.
Here we go, hang on.
Everything's fine, everything's fine.
Come on, Phil.
I can't.
I think silence is- Chris Moyles has built a career on silence.
So we're doing it as well.
If it can make Chris Moyles a millionaire, we're doing it as well.
Silence.
Dead air.
Okay, we'll fill some dead air with- Give us a Sony.
Thomas Dolby.
That hasn't dated at all.
There you go.
That's Thomas Dolby with Europa and the Pirate Twins from the Golden Age of Wireless.
And this is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Yes, hello.
Now, are we going to read some of the texts that have come in for our Robbie Williams song now, or shall we wait until after the ads?
Let's wait until after the ads.
OK.
And when we'll have lots of them to read out to you.
Bye bye.
That's Kasabian with Empire.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM on Saturday afternoon.
We're going to check out some of those texts now that we've got for our Robbie Williams rhyme song thing.
Yeah, we are.
That's correct.
What have we got there, Joe?
Yeah, should we just explain what we're doing again in case anybody's just tuned in?
OK.
We've been asking you for your sort of fashionable zeitgeisty rhyming couplets because we're trying to create our own kind of version of Robbie Williams's new single Rude Box, which is just a kind of
Er, what's the word like a, like a swathe of trendy rhyming words?
A smorgasbord.
A smorgasbord of trendy rhyming words.
And we've had some good ones in, OK?
You ready for these?
Come on, hit me.
Blackberry watching telly, gimme an Emmy.
Doesn't quite rhyme, does it?
No.
Very Italian-y.
Something like, she just sucked a lemon.
Don't like that.
Remember, I did not write these.
That came in anonymously.
Okay, what about this?
Gareth suggests rhyming Saddam Hussein with the generation game.
yeah that's getting there isn't it yeah opposites rhyming opposites you'd never usually associate those two i mean they're complete opposites it would be good if the if the generation game was still on though and it wasn't it is on challenge is it yeah okay larry grayson years yeah we're on challenge it's very odd well that's a different topic okay katie from london uh uh suggests bush say yo this isn't very good katie bush said yo player gave him an asbo
That's quite good.
Come on, that was good.
It's quite good.
Sorry, Katie, I damned you with faint praise.
No, Katie's operating at Williams' level, you know?
Yeah, she's right.
She could do better than that, but she doesn't need to, because it's Williams.
OK, here's another anonymous one.
We went out on penalties like Brian Harvey on 10E's, my bleep smelt like strings of cheese, and my pants smell of Febreze.
Overambitious, maybe.
That's pretty good, though.
There's something good going on there.
Yeah, we might use some of that.
What was the bleeped word?
Like a doorknob without the door.
Okay.
Yeah.
Here's another one.
Wispy in Soho suggests rhyming slamming tequila with Al-Qaeda.
That's very good.
That's very good, isn't it?
Yeah, you're on the case, Wispy.
Tom suggests rhyming Israel, Lebanon, razor thin, wap, phone.
Let me just say that a bit differently Israel Lebanon razor-thin a weapon Okay.
Yeah Israel Lebanon razor-thin the weapon phone.
Yeah, Israel Lebanon razor-thin back phone.
That sounds like an Adam and the ants thing Yeah, that could work because you can get away with bad rhyming if you in in pop songs It's a lot of bad writing it on the phone, but here's our favorite so far.
It comes from Paul in Cambridge He has this rhyming couplet the Princess Diana memorial fountain is substantially gayer than Brokeback Mountain
That's very good.
See, that's working on all levels.
That even scans.
Yeah.
There's more.
I'm going to go through the others and write down some more, but keep them coming in.
83XFM.
Not only will we give a prize to the best, it looks like the prize might be heading to Paul in Cambridge, unless someone can text in and better that, but we'll be constructing our own version of the song.
We're even going to put music behind it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
We might not, you know, we reserve the right just to not do this and be lazy.
No, we've got to do it, man.
We've got to do it.
And then we might even release it, and we might even have a hit single.
That's the most unlikely part of the whole thing, but I pretty much guarantee that we will rap some of these lyrics that you're sending in towards the end of the show.
Pretty much.
Incidentally, we've got the X List coming up in about a quarter of an hour in the final album.
You know, we're not doing very well with the X-list listeners.
It's an important part of the XFM schedule, right?
Where we play XFM classics, but we haven't been doing it very well.
So as of next week, I believe that the X-list is being taken out of our hands.
We're gonna
do a two-hour show which secretly we're quite happy about because we can pack more in you know make our limited material sound more like you know timely and exciting like a delicious pie instead of spreading it thinly over three hours so next week's show will be or a proactive what so next week's show will be a two-hour show and then you'll get something else happening with the X list right but hardcore music fans people who maybe don't like chitchat will be grateful
Whereas people who love our chitchat will be able to listen to us from ten till noon.
Free play right now is The Fall from their last album Fall Heads Roll and this is a track called Breaking the Rules which is a kind of enjoyably insane mess that sounds a little bit like Walk Like a Man
Do you remember the song that Divine covered?
Walk like a man, talk like a man, walk like a man, my son.
And here's Mark Smith kind of dipping in and out of that on this track.
Breaking the rules.
No.
Here we go.
I've got it.
Everything's fine.
Calm down.
talking about something else.
Xanthi our assistant thinks Barney is the sexiest name that a man can possibly have.
Hello listeners this is Adam and Joel on XFM London's 104.9.
I like the name Barney.
Our producer Xanthi thinks Barney is the sexiest man's name and I was saying I think Barney sounds like a idiot toff farmer or just a like a backwards yokel.
Hello Barney!
It's not a sexy name.
Like a... Do your impression of Barney again.
Barney!
Hello!
That's it.
What have you been doing Barney?
I've been putting jam on my fingers and I've drawn a picture of a doorknob without the door.
What are you doing later?
I'm going out with Xanthe.
She thinks I'm sexy.
She thinks my name is sexy.
I'm going to take her to the haystack and show her my model I made out of twigs of twigs.
I made a model of twigs made out of twigs.
She thinks it's sexy.
That sounds like your impression of that chicken big brother.
Yeah, it probably is.
That's the only voice I do.
What's her name?
I don't know.
The one you were talking about that you said she was the- Santy showed me half of one of her nipples.
She said you were- you said that she was the, um- Tomorrow she's gonna show me three quarters.
You know, the Big Brother woman that you were talking about the other day.
I don't know.
No one remembers Big Brother.
You said that she was... Nicky.
It evaporates in your brain.
Nicky.
No, she's not West Country.
Yeah, I know, but your impression was similar.
Right, well, yeah.
I think it might have gone a bit West.
What was your Nicky impression?
I don't know.
I don't really know.
I don't.
Other people do better Nicky impressions.
I don't.
She's just a screaming lunatic, isn't she?
yeah anyway um we've been asking for your rhyming couplets but i haven't that song was too short i haven't had time to write anymore down what was the stormtrooper one i don't know man i'll have to go back and find it play another record um need more time i haven't got a record lined up because it's almost time for the news
The news is coming up.
But you see, I'm in a bit of a quandary now because I haven't got a song to play.
Right.
But the news isn't due just yet.
Yeah.
So in theory, we should talk.
I've got a song.
What have you got?
Woodcat by Tung.
What is it?
Tung are a very good sort of folk band.
And they were one of the bands that played at the Green Man Festival that I went to the weekend before last.
And they're really good.
And this is a song called Woodcat.
And it's got a lovely chorus that just goes, are we not going to play it?
Well, I haven't got the CD, have I?
Hang on, is this it?
Oh no, this is, that was last weekend.
What's that doing there?
That's Radiohead.
Radiohead?
We just had Radiohead.
Why don't we get the news guy in early?
We could.
Ah, here we go.
I found it.
Okay.
So this is a lovely track.
It's called Wood Cat.
And it's all about having a lovely time and getting up in the morning and lying in bed and watching the telly having coffee.
Quite suitable, really.
Foo Fighters with a new way home.
Hard to beat that for enjoyable shouting action.
That kicks off our X-list hour here on XFM on a Saturday afternoon with myself, Adam Buxton.
Yeah, that we've mishandled again.
We've mishandled it.
We've forgotten to canvas requests.
Completely.
We haven't asked once.
We're supposed to ask you to send an X-list request.
We did it once.
We imagined it once.
You did.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, but it could be one of the reasons why we won't be doing it next week.
Fired from the X-list.
Yeah, actually we weren't fired, listeners.
We requested that we... that maybe we could not do it.
I was fired.
Yeah.
Anyway, listen, we've been asking for you to send in your suggestions for Robbie Williams-style rhyming couplets, and I've just dropped the piece of paper with them written on the floor.
Excuse me a second.
OK.
Joe's just bending over for the piece of paper with the Robbie Williams rhyming couplets.
I'm back.
He's back.
OK, um, and listen, just a bit of advice, uh, texters, but please put your number on your text, cos a lot of these are very good, but they're anonymous.
Not your number, your name.
Put your name on your text.
Yeah.
Cos it's nice to put a name to the couplet.
Absolutely.
Yeah?
OK, you ready for these, Adam?
Yeah, hit me.
Cos you're gonna judge these.
OK.
All right, here we go.
Here's the first one.
You think I'm gay, but now I'm shouting.
I'm so straight that I broke back mountain.
We can't have two broke back mountain ones in.
Well, we'll only use one.
I like the Diana Memorial Fountain.
You like the other one, don't you?
Yeah.
But that's quite sophisticated.
Does it make sense to you?
You think I'm gay, but now I'm shouting, I'm so straight that I broke back.
It doesn't make any sense, does it?
It's quite good.
There's something very good going on there.
Yeah, can't quite figure out what it is.
That's an anonymous one.
Here's another anonymous one.
Too much binge drinking, not enough joined up thinking.
Hey.
That's good.
That could have been said in the Houses of Parliament.
That exactly right.
I'm equated in the papers.
Tony B Liar.
That's very good.
Here's another one, also anonymous.
Happy slap, you gave me the clap, shut your trap.
That's good, that's good.
That's quite basic.
I would like to rhyme happy slap with something a bit more important though.
You know, like a world event of some kind.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Addicted to crack.
Yeah.
Yeah, is that a world event?
Well, no, no.
The world's addicted to crack.
Adam, is the world addicted to crack?
Is the world on crack?
Wait a second, you're making me think.
Oh no.
I'm starting to think.
Yeah, go on.
it hurts here's another one you ready for another one yeah go on this is quite a good one this is anonymous as well arctic monkeys yeah tony's flunkies very good telling lies
Penta peptides that's good in collusion with Gillette fusion whoa that's really good who sent that in text us your name the person who sent that in penta penta telling lies penta penta Tony's flunkies flunkies is a brilliant word that is only ever used in when people are talking about politics right huh but no one ever uses that in any other context we're very rare monkeys flunkies Tony's flunkies any omega-3 stuff there
No Omega 3 yet, that's a good tip.
You'll get in Adam's Good Books if you send in an Omega 3 related one.
Here's another one.
Again, this is anonymous.
Prime Minister Blair, get out of my hair.
Bush has got you dancing like Fred Astaire.
Arnie's in the White House shooting and singing because he'll be back.
They've already started filming.
It should be flimming because that doesn't rhyme with singing.
That's a bit of a confusing one.
It started well though.
Tony Blair got out of my hair.
Bush has got you dancing like Fred Astaire.
We might use the top of that.
Something minging at the end.
Yeah Arnie's not in the White House.
He's governor of California.
That doesn't
mean.
He visits the White House on a regular basis.
That's true.
Okay, here's another one.
You might like this one.
This is another anonymous one.
This is just random rhyming words.
Actimal, belly swell, need to chew a Remi gel.
Does a remedy, is that how you say it?
Remi-gel?
I don't know.
Remi-gel?
Let's just move swiftly.
Yeah, it's like a remedy, isn't it?
Remi-gel.
Remi-gel, that's anonymous.
Here's one that actually comes from someone who's brave enough to declare their name.
They're the Peckham Cartel.
Oh my goodness, a cartel?
Yeah, I think they might have done a shooting around my way last night.
The street was cordoned off.
Here we go.
It's Burberry Caps with a price tag, heavy shelling of Baghdad.
Jodie Marsh is a slag.
Nice.
Smuggled Poles.
I guess he means Polish people.
Yeah.
In a bag.
That is brilliant.
That's good, isn't it?
The Peckham Cartel.
The Peckham Cartel have nailed it.
They've nailed it.
Is that the best so far?
There's more.
Do you want more?
That's really good.
Do you want a record then some more?
Yeah, let's have some more.
Keep texting them in, listeners.
83XFM and we're going to construct a Rude Box style stupid contemporary rap song out of these.
We better start constructing.
You know, maybe we'll play a couple of songs in a row now and we better start constructing the rap because we're going to do this rapping at about 22.
Okay, so this is your last chance to get your suggestions in, uh, 10-8-3-XFM, and do put your name in, because when we give away the prizes, we need to, uh, you know, call you and stuff.
Yeah, exactly.
Uh, here's Radiohead once again.
This was requested by Darren in Wakefield.
No, it's not Radiohead.
What are you doing?
I don't know.
I feel ill.
I've got a cold.
Yeah, but your hands aren't ill.
I've got a cold, and my brain and my hands are failing to connect.
And my brain's connected to my feet.
Well, it's testing our DJ abilities to their limits.
Well...
that's true technically but listen I have to I know I don't say anything of any value but I have to talk and press all the buttons I know I know but that was your choice you know let's play it what's the record is it sorted out now it's granddaddy and you might know this is the theme okay man and Adam I'm very sympathetic to Charlie Brooker's no I know I think everybody loves you and wishes you the best in your DJing career great yeah this is also the theme to Charlie Brooker's screen wipe it's called am 180 and it's by granddaddy
There you go, that's the strokes with Hard to Explain.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Yes, still canvassing your Robbie Williams-style rhyming couplets.
Do you want to hear some more, Adam?
Yeah, we should wrap this up, shouldn't we?
Because we've got to write the rap.
We've got to pull all these together and do some rapping at the end of the show.
This is our final reading session.
What was going on on the phones there, Xanthe?
Sorry, I've got the Peckham cartel on the line.
Are they actually on the line right now?
They are, yeah.
OK, they're our winners, so let's get them on the line.
They can join in this link.
How many of them are there?
How many people are there in a cartel?
Hundreds.
Well, there's about eight of us in the cartel.
Really?
You sound like a terribly posh cartel.
We're a terribly, terribly posh cartel.
Well, what's your name, Mr. May?
My name's David.
But I don't feel like I can speak for the whole cartel.
Right, you can't speak for the whole cartel.
No, they've got minds of their own.
And can you tell your friends not to be silly in the background?
They're bringing the reputation of your cartel down.
Hello?
No, no, they're celebrating it.
yeah right what do we want to say to the Peckham cartel that they've won you've won well done Peckham cartel you've won our competition I can't fight I know where's your thing that you wrote yeah here we are hold on a second can you remember it yes Peckham cartel to make eBay bids I think murderous intent
We're losing the cartel.
There's snatches of topical stuff coming through there.
Are you in, are you in, Baghdad?
Beckham cartel.
It is, isn't it?
The shells are more, you know... Like seashells?
Yeah.
Listen, congratulations to you guys.
Now, what are we going to give them as a prize?
Well, there's eight of them, so how many more TVDs have we got left?
We haven't got eight.
We've got four, and Adam wants to, you want one.
I'm going to nick one, yeah.
So we've got three.
Are you interested in a band called Jet at the Carling Academy, Tuesday the 7th of November?
Peckham Cartel?
Absolutely.
Yes.
We'd love free things.
Okay.
We could send them all the tickets.
The Richard Ashcroft tickets as well.
Yeah?
Yeah.
We'll send them all the tickets.
And you can share them out amongst the cartel.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well done and thanks for listening.
Yeah.
Thank you very much indeed, you guys, for sending it.
Let's remind people of what they wrote for us again.
Okay, let's... When shall we do that?
When do you fancy doing that?
Now?
Okay, let's do it now.
Burberry caps with a price tag.
Heavy shelling of Baghdad.
Jody Marsh is a slag.
Smuggled Polish people in a bag.
That's good.
That's good stuff.
That's going to be one of the rhyming couplets in our Robbie Rat, which is coming up quite shortly.
We're going to have to take some time out to actually formulate it now.
Yeah.
Do you want to hear the others that have come in?
Yeah.
No baggage to Baghdad.
No cheap holes for me dad-da-dad.
But that's from Chris M. That's quite good.
You know, package holidays.
Chris Morris.
It could be Chris Morris.
He is probably.
That's classic.
How about this one from John?
All I see is Starbucks.
John Prescott looks like Uncle Buck.
Nice.
And Cherie needs a nip and tuck.
Hey, that's good.
John.
We're sorry.
Oh, yeah.
It's a miracle Cherie put on a bit of white box.
They're everywhere Here's another one from anonymous There's hoodies on the street, but no Bobby's on the beat.
There's Polish people have got it in for Polish people There's a lot of them
There's Polish... You know what?
It sounds a tiny bit racist just to use the word Polish.
So I'm going to put in the word people after it to give them some dignity.
Yeah.
Right?
They're human beings with equal rights.
They're very good people.
There's a lot of anti-Polish racism.
Lovely people.
Yeah, but not from me, not from you, and not from XFM.
No, we don't want to encourage it.
No, that's rubs.
There's hoodies on the street, but no bobbies on the beat.
There's Polish people eating sausages and pigeons with no feet.
You see, that's quite a good one, isn't it?
Pigeons with no feet.
That's a good observation.
Why haven't they got feet?
Well, because they're all mutilated.
Who's been mutilating pigeons?
You!
I don't know, all the pigeons in London are all scraggy and mutated.
I've never seen a pigeon with no feet.
I've seen lots of one-legged pigeons.
Look, Xanthes, you don't get out enough, man.
You're on your bike.
You don't take the time to stop and look around at pigeons' feet.
They're just hobbling around on stumps!
Yeah!
That's grotesque!
I've seen headless pigeons walking around eating with their bums.
I believed you for a second, man.
I was thinking, a headless pigeon?
I don't understand how that could work.
Oh, there's nothing sadder than a footless pigeon.
Anyway, that's really good, Anonymous.
I wish you'd put your name on it.
Here's another one from Emily in Whitechapel.
We're all at home.
Oh, did I do this one already?
They eat with their bums.
Well, if you haven't got a head, that's all you can do, isn't it?
You just have to reverse the process.
With their bum teeth.
Yeah.
They're mussels.
Dumb beaks.
Emily and Whitechapel, we're all at home watching Big Brother.
There's a boy in Iraq just lost his mother.
We're all at home watching X Factor.
There's questions about Iran's nuclear reactor.
Emily and Whitechapel, that's almost too strong.
That's made Xanthe look depressed.
That's kind of serious Emily and Whitechapel.
She's having to think about a man called Barney.
That's a good rhyming couplet, but that's just serious, you know?
That is quite depressing.
We're depressed now, Emily.
What have you done?
That's just a good point.
Okay, here's another one from Marek.
Can't you see... Oh no, that's not very good.
Why did I write that down?
Can't you see... I'm out of on that Omega 3?
Doesn't make any sense.
Sorry, I've wasted everyone's time with that one.
Can't you see I'm out of it on Omega 3?
Maybe that's it, yeah, from Marek.
That's not bad.
Can you get high on Omega 3?
if you eat enough probably you're just so brainy that it's like if you snort omega-3 this is from do you want more yeah couple more tiny bit more this is from Danny I'm the one in four that's obese all I want is cakes and peace I'm going out tonight dressed in lycra cruising for ladies in my Nissan Micra now he didn't write ladies he wrote a ruder word that also applies to kittens
but I've put the word ladies in.
But that's quite good, isn't it?
I'm the one in Forguts Abyss.
All I want is cakes and peace.
I'm going out tonight, dressed in lycra, cruising for kitties in my Nissan Micra.
Very good.
Thank you.
How about this one?
Wait, wait, wait.
Mark in Chesham.
Kids in Africa ain't got no grub.
I read about it wirelessly on my BT hub.
That's really good.
Anyway, we haven't got any more time.
No, I think we should play some more music.
And, you know, we've got to rehearse.
We've got to work on this rap.
Yeah, so we might just play 10 songs in a row while we work on our rap.
Okay.
So yeah, music.
Here we go.
Enjoy this one from The Bees.
That's Royksop with Epilae.
Before the break, you heard, of course, James Hendrix with Voodoo Chilli, Voodoo Child.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
It's the final quarter of an hour of another extraordinary... It's been extraordinary.
Award-winning show.
And I should say, and I'll do that a bit later, but it's time now.
for our Robbie Williams Rude Box Rap.
Wow.
Constructed entirely from suggestions... Sent in by listeners, yes.
Sent in by listeners for kind of up-to-the-minute topical rap stuff.
Oh, I need to do a wee.
I need to do a wee as well.
Really, maybe it'll give us an extra edge.
No.
Yeah, what, you mean being desperate to win?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Possibly.
I've heard that Robbie actually, he never wins before a gig.
Really?
Yeah, he goes on there absolutely busting.
Really?
Busting.
So right the way through he gives it his all, you know, and then he just pees for about an hour and a half.
Really?
After a gig.
It's amazing.
It's extraordinary.
So how are you feeling, man?
Have you got your couplets?
Well, obviously I'm nervous, but also I'm street, so I don't care.
You're street?
Yeah.
That's interesting.
How are you feeling?
Not very.
Not very good.
I'm not such a good rapper.
Really?
So are you gonna go first on the rapping?
No, you're gonna go first.
But listen, I tell you what, we're gonna play a little bit of the original track by Robbie.
The voice sounds a bit like... Okay then, back to basics, grab your shot.
Okay then, back to basics.
Okay, I think we're ready.
Did he just say something rude?
No, I misheard it.
No, no, it's the radio, Eddie.
He can't say anything rude in the radio, Eddie.
Okay then, let's do this rap.
Play the record, stop talking, K rap.
Here we go.
We haven't started, that was improvised.
Wow, that's amazing.
Right, kick it off, Eddie B. Here we go.
Come on, come on, come on.
My bum smelt like strings of cheese, but it's okay, cause my pants smell of Febreze.
Check out a band on a MySpace website.
Finish up your drink, cause you can't take it on the flight.
All I see is Starbucks.
John Prescott looks like Uncle Buck.
Oh dear, my lyrics do not fit I think my rapping bit will not be very good You take over Adam Buxton Quickly, cos I've made a complete Chuckston Arctic Monkeys, Tonys, Flunkies, Kids Getting Fat, Jamie Oliver, Junkies, Happy Meal, Happy Slap, Politicians Talking Crap, Princess Diana, Memorial Fountain, Substantially Gave and Brokeback Mountain Thanks, Paul and Cambridge
There's hoodies on the street but no bobbies on the beat There's Polish eating sausages and pigeons with no feet We're all at home watching Big Brother There's a boy in a wrap just lost his mother We're all at home watching X Factor There's questions about Iran's nuclear reactor Wow, thanks.
Have you got more?
Yes.
Go on.
I have.
Are you willing to freestyle?
I'll be doing them in a second.
No.
Okay, you're really right.
Slamming tequila with al-Qaeda.
Israel, Lebanon, raise a thing wap.
For what?
I'm the one in four that's obese.
All I want is cakes and peace.
I'm not going out tonight dressed in lycra, cruising for kitties in my Nissan Micra.
I am going out.
I don't know why I said not.
I am going out.
I am.
Go on, you do some.
Quickly.
I've run out.
What?
I'll give you some more.
Hey, okay, how about this?
Bush and Blair blatantly lied like art is a cow in formaldehyde I'd like to take President Mugabe to Nobu for sushi with wasabi after eights after dark stabbings all up in a local park all aboard the kati shark Hezbollah's bike meets Israel's bark
more no there can't be more people all go mad that's uh take their own lives yeah there we go you know we're going to work on that and polish it up and then we'll split the royalties we've made a record of everybody's cell phone number who contributed uh texts that it will soon hit number one we're going to get our friend ozomisou to help us do the backing track to it we're all going to be rich every single listener to this show and we should it's going to be rich we should do a video for it and put it up on youtube as well yeah it's all going to it's all going to go off
so if you contributed lyrics to that then take out a major loan and spend it because you're gonna be in the money you're gonna be rolling around in big piles of cash now my son frank is listening today i think and uh he he asked if i would say hello to him so frank hi how you doing hey frank um hope you're having a good time i'm gonna see you very shortly does he want me to say hello
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you say hello as well.
Hello, Frank.
It's Joe.
And Uncle Dave is coming over this afternoon, Frank, so that's exciting.
Haven't seen Uncle Dave for a while.
No.
Here's a track that Uncle Dave got out the clink.
For that job he'd done.
For that job.
So, Frank, I hope you liked this one.
This is also going out to Barney.
This is a Barney, so it's exciting for Xanthi as well.
And it's Talking Heads.
It's The Talking Heads with Psycho Killer.
You've been listening to Adam and Joe.
We'll be back here on XFM from 10am to 12 noon at the same time next week.
Thanks very much for listening, texting, emailing.
And there may not be a podcast next week.
What?
If you're a podcast fan.
Although I notice the podcast has been slipping a little bit in the charts.
Yes, been overtaken by our Coca Cola new music podcast.
Yeah, that's sort of outrageous, isn't it?
We spend almost no time preparing for that one.
And the one we put all the effort into
has plummeted down the charts to number 14.
Is it 14 now?
It was 14 the last time I looked.
And I look every three minutes.
We're sort of obsessed by the progress of the podcast.
If you like the show, and you know the podcast has stuff that isn't in the radio show.
You know, it's more polished than the radio show.
Having said that, the one that we... It is more polished, yeah.
It's a bit more deliberate.
It's a bit less ramshackle.
Having said that, the one that we put out last night
It's a bit of a stinker.
It's a bit of a weird one.
It's us going off on one about Colin Farrell.
Well, that's always good for a lot.
And his films.
Yeah, there you go.
So, you know, it's a little bit negative.
I woke up in the middle of the night when I was worrying about Robbie being ironic.
Yeah, you worry too much.
I know I do a lot of worrying.
It's because I've got a cold.
I always worry when I've got a cold, you know.
Anyway, so download the podcast.
You can download it at iTunes or xfm.co.uk.
We'll see you next week.
Thanks a lot for listening.
Here's one final free play right now.
This one wasn't requested by anyone, but I'm going to play it for anyone who likes The Fine Young Cannibals.
Nobody likes The Fine Young Cannibals.
Everybody does.
I dare you not to enjoy this.
This is one of the tracks that's dated really well for me.
Which one is it?
No, no.
I'm not the man I used to be.
Yeah, that's the one.
Oh, is that what you were doing?
Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
You'll hear that noise.
Oh, I know the way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's very good.
Come on.
You've got to like this.
Thanks for listening anyway.
We'll see you next week.
Bye.
Love you.
Bye.