Wow, that's like some kind of insane Irish jig done with guitars.
Can't you see Michael flatly dancing to that?
Really fast.
Really, really fast.
Until he hurts his ankles.
Yeah.
Oh, he's unable to hurt his ankles.
Really?
Indestructible ankles?
Yeah, bionic, yeah.
That was recovered by the automatic.
Before that, you heard Empire by Kasabian.
And this is Adam and Joe here on XFM on a Saturday morning, taking you right through until one o'clock.
We thought we were only going to go through till 12 today.
We tried to get ourselves fired from the X list.
didn't work didn't quite happen so uh i'm pretty sure that we're going to screw it up so badly this week that they can't possibly have us back uh any further after this week so we'll do our best to mess that up for you uh later on this show we've got all kinds of competitions coming up
Do we have more than one competition or just one?
We've got loads of competitions.
We're going to have a text competition in the second hour, which is going to be based on my viewing of the film Crank.
You saw Crank?
I saw Crank.
We're going to be talking more about that later and having a text competition based on it.
And in the first hour, we've got a new sort of competition, right, Adam?
Yeah, because I've had an exciting week.
I've been in a film.
Right, and I'm not going to tell you who's in the film or anything about the film just yet, but I will tell you that, you know, between takes, it's what we call them in films.
Between what?
Takes, Joe.
It's when they... They start filming, when they film the people with the camera.
I don't understand.
a camera's like a big film with a window on it and stuff goes in one end and poo comes out the other and they uh when they film the people it's called a take and in between takes um the people or actors as their names stand around and they chat to each other and i recorded one of the my fellow actors chatting and later on i'm going to play you the anecdote that he told me and i'm going to ask you to guess listeners not only what film he's talking about but who the actor is okay it's kind of like celebrity regression therapy except real
Yeah.
Well, that's exciting.
That's coming up later this hour.
We've got great prizes.
When I say great prizes, I mean a copy of something called Dark Knight on DVD.
Is that anything to do with Batman?
No.
Well, what is it?
I don't really know.
We'll look into it in more detail later.
Okay.
But it's definitely a DVD.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They've got intrinsic value.
It's even one of those thick ones, like the thickness of maybe a video game DVD.
Yeah, I think it's a TV series.
Is it?
Plus we've got tickets to give away to go and see Jet at the Carling Academy.
We had those last week, didn't we?
And Richard Ashcroft, same tickets as last week, basically, to give away.
Well, if people weren't listening, though.
We've got Jet and Richard Ashcroft tickets.
We don't have any more copies of the Armando Iannucci shows because we stole them all.
And I've had a very enjoyable week watching those.
They're amazing.
You should really check them out, folks.
That's a sort of forgotten series from the early noughties that if you haven't heard of it before, called the Armando Iannucci shows, and it's available on DVD.
There's a little plug for that.
And we should play some more music now.
This is KT Tonstel.
Katie Tunstall with Suddenly I See.
Now, Joe, did you watch Jonathan Ross last night?
No, I didn't.
You didn't?
No.
So you didn't see Pete and Tina from Big Brother, what's her name?
No, Nicky.
Nicky?
Yeah, Crazy Nicky.
Crazy Nicky.
They were guests, were they?
Yeah, they were guests.
And it was a very, very odd watch.
Did you see that, Pete?
that was it was bizarre.
We've got a new producer today because he's gone to best of all.
That's right.
Pete's here.
Everyone's got a best of all.
Yeah.
Really, it's a lovely weekend for it.
Perfect.
Pete's very professional though.
So you might get a better quality produced show this week.
Now no insult to Xanthi.
That's a joke.
She's not she'll be a best for she'll be drunk.
She'll be asleep.
She's gonna say that safely.
Anyway, so you guys missed a bit of weird TV last night, if you didn't see Jonathan Ross interviewing these two, because I hadn't even watched Big Brother properly.
I was aware who Pete was, you know, and all of his special character and everything.
But it was just extraordinary because the odds were stacked against Jonathan anyway with Pete's... Well, with that level of fame and celebrity.
Yeah, but with Pete's Tourette's outbursts as well, you know what I mean?
And his kind of manic energy.
Well, it gets worse when he's nervous, doesn't it?
Much worse.
He must have been very, very nervous.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he was, like, they kept on cutting to him backstage in the green room thing, swigging from beer after beer.
He must have been fairly tooty by the time he actually got on the couch there.
And he came out and he jumped on Jonathan and wrapped his legs around him.
And Jonathan kind of plonked him down in the couch.
Everything was fine up to that point.
But more or less it was then the Nicky show.
As soon as Jonathan asked her a question, that was pretty much the end of the interview.
Because she started talking like, I didn't, as I said, I didn't see Big Brother.
So I was unprepared for her kind of nutty detachment.
Because what's the deal with her?
She gets angry a lot, right?
Yeah, well, she's like a toddler.
Yeah.
She's like a woman with the brain of a baby.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
Which is brilliant in a way, because no one's done that before.
Jay Goody had the brain of a toddler.
Yeah.
Yeah, six year old.
But Nicky's ramped it down to the brain of like a six month year old.
An infant.
An infant, yeah.
A mewling infant.
Yeah.
Because she seems completely disconnected from reality in every meaningful way.
It's brilliant though, isn't it?
Yeah, kind of.
But Jonathan was really flummoxed.
And they sort of record that show ahead of time a little bit to give themselves a chance to cut it down and stuff.
But they had a real job on their hands, because she launched into this sort of unbroken mad ramble anecdote about some party she'd been to in Brighton or something, where she thought that someone had spat on her.
And it was basically this incredibly long anecdote, the payoff of which was that actually it was a water pistol.
But she built it up for literally about ten minutes, she was going,
and someone I was like oh what someone spat on me what i can't i can't believe it and i just i thought oh it's warm you know and then i was sorry angry i was like i can't get angry i can't get angry and then i just thought i am getting angry because someone spat
Well, thinking is an adventure for her.
So she's describing thinking in the way that an explorer might describe climbing a mountain.
Do you know what I mean?
And that's exciting for the world of chat shows generally.
Chat shows, because it means guests will have more to talk about.
Right.
So she was excited.
To her, the anecdote was the unfolding of a new experience.
Yeah, exactly.
Which was a thing happens to you, and then you think about it, and then you think about how to respond.
Last week's big experience was, I done a wee.
And she could have gone on several chat shows to talk about that.
This week's experience was I felt the sensation of warm fluid on my face.
It is, it's like a baby who can talk.
Maybe that's what it is.
It's like that film Baby Geniuses.
Only, you know, with boobs.
And functioning adult body parts.
Which is, it's perfect.
You know?
It was very surreal and the whole thing... I think they've actually given birth to her in some kind of weird heat magazine cloning lab.
Cloning tank.
They've got some DNA from, I don't know, Jade Goody and... A couple.
I don't know, a sponge.
A little dog.
A worm, a small tiny dog.
Yeah.
And they've bred her.
Uh huh.
So that they can keep their stupid magazine going.
What a brilliant experiment.
Yeah.
That's the kind of thing that I'd be happy to fund.
How can you, how could you get even better than, how could you go even stupider than Nicky, right?
If Nicky is this generation's celebrity, what'll they do next year?
How are they going to get more infantile than that?
Somebody who actually can't somewhere in a vegetative state well no because you can't have someone just gurgles and pukes and and vomits and just laughs Insanely would that be good no because that but it's very sexy right and naked most of the time Yeah, because it would be good if Nikki's clothes fell off that would be the only other edge She could get like if she was literally like a kind of feral jungle woman yeah like the woman from Fifth Element or or um
Jodie Foster in Nell.
Or the Lady in the Lake.
Yeah, exactly.
Who just chirps and speaks nonsense and then her top keeps falling off.
Right.
Like a nutty woman in the supermarket.
What about that?
I think that's the way to go for next year's big brother.
Just round up people from who burble at you in supermarkets.
Yeah.
Sexy, mad women.
whose clothes fall off.
They're my favourite kind.
Let's have a free play right now and coming up shortly is going to be our competition, our anecdote competition from a famous movie star and you guys are going to have to guess who it is.
Well you don't have to, obviously there's no way we can force you but if you want to you can and who knows you might win a copy.
Have you found out what Dark Knight is yet Joe?
No, no, I haven't.
I'll do that during the next song.
I'll do some research.
Study the Box during Adam and the Ants.
This is a track from their extraordinary album, Kings of the Wild Frontier, and it's called The Magnificent Five.
Enjoy!
Adam and the ants with magnificent five I've got a theory that Adam and the ants are like the strokes or at least the strokes ripped off everything from Adam and the ants that could be true except for the kind of I mean Adam Adam had like a mad way of singing that was a bit like a sort of crazed Indian Apache man or something yeah
You know, he must be annoyed by the success of Pirates of the Caribbean.
Adam Ant?
Yeah, he must think, I want a piece of that pirate pie.
Yeah, because he got all the pirate iconography.
If you do anything with pirates, you should immediately call him, shouldn't you?
I would think so.
Get him to do a cameo.
Yeah.
Or at least put his music on it.
Or use him as a consultant.
Because he's the closest thing to a modern day pirate.
He's the oldest, the only surviving genuine pirate.
Is he?
From the high seas, yeah.
He's descended from the piratical lineage.
No, he's not, no.
Is he not?
He's just released some records.
Oh, you're confusing me.
But he's a genius.
And those songs, everything on Kings of the World Frontier, if you haven't got it, you really should get it.
There's not a bad track on it.
And I think of them as like the strokes because each of the songs, like the one I just played, has like about five separate ideas that could be songs in themselves, all in one song.
It's amazing.
Such a wealth of invention and musical brilliance.
Anyway, let's play some ads and we'll come back with some music and then our first competition of the day.
Stick with us.
All right.
I agree.
Do you agree?
Yeah, you have my permission.
All right, man.
Here we go.
That's Orson with No Tomorrow.
And this is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Competition time now.
I'm going to line up the jingle.
Yeah, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle all the way.
With Tim Allen.
Is he in that?
Jingle all the way.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Oh, you're quite right.
If only Tim Allen had been in it.
Imagine.
Tim Allen is in the Santa Claus.
Thanks.
That was my confusion.
Competition time.
You could win a DVD or tickets to a show.
You just never know.
So sharpen up your brain and get ready to play.
The prize, because the jingle mentioned you could win a DVD, and that is exactly what you could win.
Or tickets to a show.
Yeah, that's true, tickets to a rock show.
But the DVD's called Dark Night, Night with a K, and we weren't really sure what it was.
It's three discs, so we went on the internet database, and it says this is quite probably the worst TV show made in the last 25 years.
On the back it says, the only quote they've got is, what more could anyone possibly want from Bello Magazine.
That's got to be the beginning of a review that says, well, a lot.
You'd think that, you know, with all the setup, you'd think what more could anyone possibly want.
Then you watch the thing and you realise.
Apparently it's a radical new look at the Ivanhoe legend.
About time too.
I've been waiting for that for years.
What are the devil people on the front doing there?
I don't know, there's a man with red eyes and lots of teeth.
Actually there's another review from the Daily Mail that says it's a belter.
It's a belter!
So it could be brilliant.
And you could win it if you get this competition right.
And it's a new type of competition this week, isn't it Adam?
Yeah, this is like a one-off competition, because I've been working on a film this week, which I'll tell you about a bit later on.
But as I said before, in between shots, takes, whatever.
Can we call it a DVD?
Because I think the word film has fallen out of circulation.
Right.
Just say I've been working on it.
We've been shooting a DVD.
It may well go straight to DVD.
We've been working, I've been working hard on a DVD this week, and in between takes I've been chatting with some of my fellow actors.
Film stars.
Yes, some of my fellow film stars.
DVD stars.
And I actually got one of them to tell me an anecdote, or one of them was telling me an anecdote, and I whipped out my mini disc player.
Did he know you were recording it?
Well I asked him if I could, yeah.
It was fairly obvious when I, you know, put the microphone in front of him.
Right, right.
But he told me this anecdote about a film that he'd worked on.
And I want you listeners to tell me what the film was called and also what the name of the actor speaking is.
OK, it's that simple.
It's quite a tough one, because if you use IMDb, the actor in question who's telling the anecdote is not actually listed as taking part in the film.
So IMDb may not be helpful in this situation.
So it's gonna be really quite tough.
Yeah, this is one for film buffs.
For real film buffs.
For DVD buffs.
Anyway, here's the anecdote.
It's sort of for a couple of minutes, so check it out.
Okay, so I get a call mid-summer, haven't worked for a couple of months, about doing a film in the south of France with Matthew Modine.
He's one of my great, you know, he did Birdie, he's a fantastic actor.
and so I'm very excited about it and also what really captures me is that they say it's in the South of France and you'll be working with two orangutans all summer and I thought that's fantastic orangutans all summer me and me actors chair within orangutan fantastic anyway so I travel down to the South of France get there
introduced to Matthew Modine who's just heaven and they say okay we're going to do a familiarization with the monkeys but unfortunately the orangutans didn't get through customs so now it's a chimpanzee from Leon I'm thinking disappointing but chimpanzee is still really cute very lovely I'll spend the summer with the chimpanzee so we get to the room where there's we're doing the familiarization and the chimps there with its with its owner and it's got a chain around its neck and it's going
And you're like, wow, and its teeth are really gleaming.
And the guy's going, no, no, there's no problem.
It's just what needs to get to know you.
And then it's, you know, it's totally trained.
It's totally friendly.
We're like, okay, cool.
So Matthew Modine, who is the loveliest guy in the world, and he goes, oh, that's great.
And he walks over to this monkey, puts his arms out and the monkey just goes like that and bites through the tendon in his thumb.
So now even to this day, his thumb doesn't work properly.
So it's a terrible for all, everyone's really sure, and they kill the monkey, the monkey's killed, dead.
And now, Matthew's got his arm in a sling, and they bring in a midget from Paris who is an alcoholic, who's going to wear a suit.
So now, from the great job that I was really excited about in the South of France, Matthew Modine two orangutans, it's now an alcoholic midget from Paris in a really bad suit in the South of France with Matthew Modine with a sling in his arm.
So there you go.
What film is he talking about?
Man, that is a fair trade, though.
I mean, if a monkey bites Matthew Modine, the monkey dies.
Yeah.
Well, later on, I've got another little clip.
I would have hoped it was... obviously, I'm being ironic here, but is that really right?
Yeah, that's right.
For the monkey to die?
Well, listen, I asked him exactly how it happened.
How did they kill the monkey?
They shot it.
The guy shot it.
The guy shot his own monkey.
Instantly shot it because it went bananas.
It bit through Matthew's hand.
And then there was a big, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
And there was a big chase and it was going, and jumping around the room and they grabbed it, put it in a, in like a Hessian sack, took it outside and shot it dead.
And I was like, this is a kid's film.
What would they do with the alcoholic midget if it, say, was rude to Matthew Modine?
Would they put that in a Hessian sack and shoot it?
That should be legalised.
Murder is legal if it happens inside a Hessian sack.
And it's for the sake of a film.
It's Matthew Modine's thumb.
Or DVD.
So, call now.
08712221049.
So hang on, they've got a call in with the name of the film that the guy was shooting when that happened.
Yeah.
And also the name of the actor who was actually telling that anecdote.
Yeah, exactly.
And that's pretty tough.
So if you nail that, if you nail both of those, you can have pretty much anything you want.
The number to call is 0871-222-1049.
0871-222-1049.
Call it right now if you know the answer to that anecdote question quiz thing.
Here are the ordinary boys.
That was The Ordinary Boys with Lonely at the Top.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
It's a beautiful Saturday morning and we're in the middle of playing a very, very difficult competition.
So difficult that nobody's called.
It's baffled everyone.
We played you an anecdote that Adam recorded on the set of a film he was in and you had to guess the name of the actor and
the name of the film about which the anecdote was.
Talking about it.
No one's done it because it's so difficult and Adam just told me the answer and I've heard of the actor but I've never heard of the film and it's not even obviously the film involves a monkey it's not even any of my favorite monkey based films it's not Dunstan Checks In.
No.
It's not Ed, with what's-his-name from Friends.
What other good monkey films are there?
It's certainly not Congo.
No, I was going to say, Congo's the king of them all.
Congo's the king of the monkey films.
Chimp films, it's not every which way but loose.
There's no good guessing, you know, if you are by a computer.
The only way you're going to get this right is if you've either seen it by some freak of nature.
Very unlikely.
or you're near a computer and the thing to do is get on there and look for Matthew Modi.
And it's not Matthew, he's not really in sort of top of the range films anymore.
No.
He was brilliant, he is brilliant, but he can't really command the roles these days.
No, it's ludicrous, he's due for rediscovery, surely.
It is ludicrous who commands the roles.
But Modi does not command the roles.
Listen, here's a quick reminder of the voice of this actor, okay?
I'm gonna make this easy for you.
Either you get on IMDb and you check out Matthew Modine films... Search Modine Monkey.
...and do the math, or you know the voice of this actor.
We'll take just the correct actor.
Both unlikely.
Okay, so who's this talking right now?
They shot it the guy shot it the guy shot his own monkey Instantly shot it because it went bananas it bit through Matthew's hand and then there was a big oh my god Oh my god.
Oh my god, and there was a big chase and it was going Jumping around the room and they grabbed it put it in a in like a Hessian sack took it outside and shot it dead And I was like, this is a kids film
so there you go if you know if you know who that is talking yeah call 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 it's completely open i mean even if you guess wrongly uh we'll still give you a prize yeah we just want someone to have a go just want to chat to someone yeah you know just want to talk to someone
Please talk to us about some of our problems.
We've got a free play right now, Joe.
This is one of yours.
Yeah.
This is some new material from Weird Al Jankovic, the hilarious American Steve Wright lookalike musical comedian.
And this is a little bit of advice that should be listened to carefully and adhered to by young people who approve of illegal downloading.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM on a Saturday afternoon.
Now, very shortly, we are going to be talking to someone who has the correct answer to our competition this afternoon, which is unbelievable because it is one of the most difficult competitions I think we've ever had on the programme.
In the history of competitions?
In the history of all competitions.
We have got him on the phone, or we're going to get him on the phone.
He's called Ted.
I'm just... Is he called Ted?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm just teasing it, because that's exciting.
You know, you can now imagine what Ted's gonna sound like, what kind of a guy he is, all the things that the name Ted evokes.
All the romance and drama.
Who's the classic Ted of all time?
Ted Danson.
Of course.
Ted Bovis.
No, well, Ted Danson is number one.
Maybe Ted Bundy?
Ted... Ted... Bundy.
Uh, you know Big Ted, I would say?
Yeah.
If this was, what was the competition where you had to line things up and you'd go, wah, wah.
That's Family Fortunes, isn't it?
Yeah.
Or the Mint, like the Mint might have, tared blank.
They're gonna get rid of the Mint, you know.
Good, good.
Because it's contravening loads of regulations.
Of course it is, about time too.
We figured that out about two months ago, didn't we, on this show?
Yeah, we did, yeah.
We did, and if you look at it, if you watch the Mint, the lady now keeps going, people say bad things about us, people keep criticising us, but we don't care about the haters.
And stuff like that.
It's like us, isn't it?
Here's James Dean Bradfield.
We'll be back after this with Ted.
Yes, that's James Dean Bradfield and his xylophone with an English gentleman.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Now we have Ted on the line.
Hi, Ted.
Hello.
Hey, Ted, thanks for hanging on for so long.
Yeah, we appreciate it.
Now, Ted, you think you know the identity of the person who was telling that anecdote?
I'll just do a very brief reminder.
How did they kill the monkey?
They shot it.
The guy shot it.
The guy shot his own monkey.
So you don't know who that is speaking, though, do you, Ted?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know the film, but the person speaking is the guest.
Let's have the name of the film then, Ted.
Well, I'm pretty sure the film is called Funky Monkey.
Funky Monkey with Matthew Modine.
That's correct, it is.
And I imagine you found that out by popping on the computer there for a second.
Yeah, I've never even heard of Matthew Modine.
I've never heard of Matthew Modine.
You haven't seen Birdie?
I haven't seen Birdie.
I haven't seen racing with the moon.
Sorry, he plays Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket.
I haven't seen him, but I didn't know.
Got to see Birdie, man.
That's a brilliant film.
Why haven't you seen Funky Monkey?
Well, actually, I might have to buy it, because he goes from Amazon for £4.
Apparently, someone else has texted him.
We haven't looked at it on the IMDb, but somebody says it's got a ninja and a cyborg chimpanzee.
I can read you the plot outline.
Go on, then.
Is it quite brief?
It's very brief, it is.
Boy genius Michael Dean teams up with a super talented chimpanzee and its caretaker to take down an animal testing lab.
In exchange, the scientist gives the boy some pointers on the girl of his dreams.
MVP.
Yeah, that's true.
In fact, that's why I cancelled my Sky Movies subscription.
There's only so many times you can watch Most Valuable Primaries.
So listen, Ted, congratulations.
You absolutely got that correct.
Would you like some kind of prize?
Now, you've got an amazing choice.
It's eyebrow.
Who is the person speaking there?
Oh, I'm going to tell you that.
I'm going to tell you that right now, weren't I?
Well, that's exciting.
Well done teasing it.
Like, short-term teasing.
That's very good.
In a second, I'm going to tell you the name of the actor.
At the end of this sentence, I will reveal the name of the actor.
It was Jason Fleming.
Jason Fleming is one of the Lockstock heads.
He's one of the stars of Lockstock and Two Smoking Barrels.
You'd know him if you saw him.
He's a very familiar face and he's one of my co-stars on this show.
He sounds like a very nice chap.
He's very, very nice, and he's full of extremely funny anecdotes about all sorts of stuff.
And thank you, Jason, for letting me use that one.
But, Ted, what prize?
Uh, what's the option?
Jet tickets, 7th of November, Richard Ashcroft, 5th of December, or a copy of Dark Knight on DVD.
And it's now next to a Batman.
I've got to go with the jet tickets.
good man okay we will send them to you stay on the line and then our producer Pete can take your details thanks very much indeed for calling in Ted congratulations cheerio bye lots of love okey-doke it's time for a few more ads than the news and we'll be back shortly
Wow, there you go, the Scissor Sisters with Don't Feel Like Dancing.
We were discussing to what extent that track is just like a joke, a parody song, and how it's ended up sort of on XFM and in the NME, how they as a band have ended up with kind of indie cred, even though when you just strip away all the packaging and listen to the music, it's like a Bee Gees impersonation panel.
Yeah, it's like a very, very good sounder-like of a track from Saturday Night Fever.
Shouldn't that just be on Capitol?
Well, it probably is on Capitol as well, but they're a crossover act, aren't they?
Um, they're a bit like Daft Punk in that sense.
Or a bit like The Darkness.
Yeah.
They're this year's big joke band.
Yeah, yeah.
And it's credible to be a joke, right?
It's cool to be a joke.
For a little while.
And that's how they managed to straddle, uh, indie stations and pop stations.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I think it's a bit Robbie.
Well, it's not- Am I alone?
Um, it's a good- I mean, but it is a good- It's good, it's good, it's good, it's brilliant.
It's like a brilliant missing track, you know what I mean?
Let's play it again.
Shall we play the whole thing again?
Let's play the whole thing again.
What I might do though is I might slow it down a little bit.
So it lasts longer.
So it lasts a little bit longer.
Great idea.
Maybe I might slow it down like double half the speed.
Twose.
Twonce.
And then it'll last twice as long.
What I'm gonna do instead actually is I'm gonna do a free play on your ass and it's gonna be pavement and it's gonna be as indie as you can get but that's after we launch our text competition.
Yes, well why don't we play the freeplay, then launch the text competition?
You want to do that?
Yeah, because we should really clear our ears out after that scissoring.
This is a fairly late Pavement track from I think their penultimate album, Bright in the Corners, and it's called Shady Lane.
That's more like it, isn't it?
There you go.
Pavement with Shady Lane.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
This week, uh, listeners, I went to see Crank.
Crank.
Now, that's got Jason Statham, also a lock stock bloke.
Yeah, Jason Statham.
He's a fantastic actor.
He's doing extremely well.
You know, in America, making action films, he was in The Transporter 1 and The Transporter 2.
He did an excellent job.
and now he's in Crank, which basically kicks Transporter 1 and Transporter 2 to the curb.
Really?
It's quite the most extraordinary film, and I'm being sincere, I've seen in a long time.
Who's it directed by?
I don't know, a couple of guys who were stunt coordinators and special effects cameramen.
Yeah.
And this is their debut feature and it's an amazing.
It looks like an action film That's basically been homemade and then sort of edited on someone's Apple laptop sort of thing future cinema aren't it very futuristic shot digitally But don't get me wrong.
It's not like grotty and lo-fi even though it's got kind of a punky feel yeah
But it is fantastic.
It's fantastic because it's got Jason Statham in it and he's amazing.
It's fantastic because it's basically like the film of the game Grand Theft Auto.
So it's basically just a character and they don't bother with giving him redeeming features or making him sort of human or identifiable.
Because who cares about that anymore?
I don't.
I certainly don't.
No.
I just want a bloke to cause as much carnage and have as much fun within the context of a film as possible.
Do you know what I think about people with kind of understandable feelings and human problems?
What?
They're dead.
They are, aren't they, their boy?
I hate them.
Yeah, right on.
Yeah, thanks.
Yeah.
Er, so it's got that amazing, the amazing premise.
Do you know the premise?
Yeah, remind me of the premise again.
He's injected with a drug, er, that will kill him unless he stays very, very excited.
Like, he's gotta keep his adrenaline levels up, otherwise he'll die.
So it's the premise of that film, Speed, but within the human body.
But what a brilliant idea.
That is amazing.
So it's basically a film about what you do if you've got Grand Theft Auto or one of those sandbox games, right, and you don't bother doing any of the missions, you just go around killing people, blowing things up, which is what everyone does anyway, right?
So if he accidentally heard some Scissor Sisters, he'd be in trouble.
Why do you say that?
Cos his, you know, his heart rate would go right down.
Would go all the way down, yeah.
Unless he was, er, like a secretary.
That's not fair, really.
Since Sisters is exciting and danceable, if he heard some Jose Gonzalez, he'd be in real trouble.
He'd be dead, yeah.
So he has to stay excited through the whole film.
There's a lot of swearing.
There's a lot of unprovoked violence.
There's a great deal of toplessness.
Is there?
And a lot of blowing things up, a lot of shooting, a lot of car and motorbike carnage.
It's non-flipping stop.
That's like a weekend at my house.
He runs through Los Angeles wearing a hospital gown with his Jolly Roger at full mast.
Does he really?
He does, yeah.
No.
Because his adrenaline is so, his blood pressure levels are so high that everything pops up to say hello.
No.
And stays there.
Yeah.
Do you really see that?
Yeah.
And well not like, it's under the gown.
It's under the gown.
But then he hooks up with his girlfriend.
And you, well, put two and two together.
Maybe I will.
And they perform an act of love, is the phrase, in a public place, while a busload of Japanese schoolgirls watch.
A man gets his hand chopped off with a machete.
Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite is in it.
It's got more visual effects than a 70s pop video.
I heard- Basically, it's incredible.
Yeah, I heard one person telling me about a scene where there's a Japanese character talking and there's subtitles and the camera kind of swings round to get the reverse and the subtitles also swing round.
That's correct.
And there's all sorts of different subtitles in it.
Like if it's an Asian character, the subtitles will look as if they're on like an import VCD.
So they'll be all shaky with dots between the words.
That's a good idea.
regardless of reality or any kind of human interest, just come up with the most amazingly stupid premise that will deliver in terms of action.
Yeah.
And you're in the money.
It's almost like the game you used to play as children when you would sort of imagine the most gnarly way you could die or something.
Yeah.
And it was someone would always come up with, you could slide down a banister that turned into a razor at the end.
Yes.
And stuff like that, you know what I mean?
Yes, but less horrific, more about just a narrative premise that would provide you with no-holds-barred action, regardless of any kind of credibility or human interest.
So I was trying to think of some myself, and that's the text competition, listeners.
Text 83XFM.
If you can think of an action film premise that is as potent
crank yeah okay here are my ideas some of them are quite good some of them aren't very good here's the first one and this is just to get to get you thinking listeners yeah homo car homo car homo car as in homo sapiens okay not going on okay a world champion racing car driver gets his body all mashed up while failing to rescue his daughter from kidnappers mm-hmm
he has his brain stroke up a torso fused inside his car to create homo car it's like robo cop it's a little yeah and it's elements of night rider as well elements of night rider but he gets the car tooled up with loads of weaponry and then goes on an insane vengeance killing spree in his car but he's a human car
So you can't get out of the car and go into rooms to talk to people.
He just has to drive through the wall Okay, and what about this man van you could call it if you just made it a lot larger car Yeah, yeah, man vans better because homo car might put people off, but it's a bit like Herbie on crack Mm-hmm.
It's like it's like a contemporary Herbie right a vicious Herbie.
It's not quite good.
That is good, man I like that homo car.
Yeah, what about this?
Yeah invincibil
Not invincible, Invincibill.
I haven't quite figured this one out, but it's a good title.
Invincibill.
Yeah, the character's called Bill.
And somehow, basically it's taking the premise that they used so well in Asterix and Obelix of falling into a vat of magic potion.
They should use that more often.
Because this guy, he's a samurai, he falls into a vat of magic potion that makes his body part grow back when they're cut off.
Okay, I like and then he goes on some sort of vengeance killing spree amongst other ninjas And there's a great deal of slashing and hacking of body parts.
Yeah, but they always grow back on him That's always enjoyable to see as well the CG with of course.
It is grow back.
Of course it is But but he can't be completely invincible.
He is invincible.
Well, then well, there's no jeopardy That's the tagline.
He is he's invincible.
He's invincible He's invincible
Yeah?
Yeah.
Would you pay to see that?
Yes.
No.
What else have you got?
Okay, here's another one.
This is a splatter version of Twister.
Splatster.
Uh huh.
Right.
So a vast flaming iron ore meteor crashes into the Earth's atmosphere.
And it causes lethal freak weather phenomena.
It rains nails.
and wind is fire that kind of thing that's good that's good so the second you go out in the rain you're peppered with nails yeah so the it's as if the weather has become possessed by evil or something yeah exactly yeah so it's like a kind of uh a twister yeah but with with extreme gore right and the threat of kind of um
Extreme gore at any moment things blowing up as well, obviously Yeah, Pete looks a bit disturbed by that and the Sun as soon as you go out into the Sun Yeah, no question of you know flames high factor of Sun lotion.
You just burn burst into flames exactly.
That's exciting Isn't it is excited?
I had another one I mean those were my best ones don't forget listeners 83 X FM if you can come up with an action film premise better than Crank or better than homo car or better than invincible.
Hang on.
Tell us about the
Tell us about the other one after the ads, okay?
When we start getting some people texting in.
Man, don't lose that pitch notion, okay?
But we have to play these ads, we'll be right back.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
And who on earth was that?
Oh, that was the rifles.
Of course it was the rifles.
With peace and quiet.
Yeah, certainly had a rifle block there.
So we've been asking you to text in your ideas for action films that are as kind of stupid and straightforward and rewarding as the premise for Crank.
Which is our film of the week.
We don't usually have a film of the week, but we're gonna have one this week.
Yeah, that's an unironic thumbs up for Crank.
So are you ready to hear some of these pictures, Adam?
They're coming in thick and fast.
Hit me.
Imagine that I am, uh, who's the big fat bloke?
Harvey Weinstein.
Yeah, Harvey.
Harvey, yeah.
Come on, hit me.
I wanna hear your pictures.
Okay, here we go.
Yeah.
Hydro Phobosapien.
Yeah, you see, you'd have to change that name.
The kids will never remember that.
Hydro Phobosapien.
So let me guess.
He is afraid of water?
No, come on.
A water-fearing action hero, because he nearly drowned once, fights the spirit of an executed serial killer that's been somehow channeled into his town's water supply.
Water-related deaths in Seumark in Hornchurch.
That's not the one I meant to read, but that's alright.
That's not bad.
What does he do?
Just thrash around in water?
Well, it would be a bit like the Abyss, wouldn't it?
You could have all the water effects and a bit like... Like watery, yeah, but you don't get any gore or splatter from just slicing up a water man.
Ah, but you see the water could use it, it could form itself into sort of drill things that would go right through the guy's head.
Oh, I see.
You know, and explode people from the inside.
You know, you could imagine a scene where all the water pours through someone's mouth and they just expand and expand and then just explode.
Yeah, that would have to be the climax.
Yeah, okay, here's a better one.
Oh, I've lost it.
No, here we go.
Sleeping with the fishes.
The mafia throw a man into a lake, but radioactive waste speeds evolution, and he grows gills in a fin and returns to seek revenge with special aquatic powers.
That's not bad.
That's not bad, is it?
I mean, again, just a man who looks like a fish.
Killing people, it's not that exciting.
Yeah, but, you know, an ugly fish.
Yeah, okay.
Maybe a puffer fish, that would be the thing, wouldn't it?
With big spikes on him, he could just suddenly go... Yeah.
And have these spikes... How about this from Peter?
It's called Kingkiller.
A man discovers he's one millionth in line to the throne, so he kills 999,999 people in order to become king.
That's quite good, isn't it?
That's more like crank because it gives you the whole 90 minutes of action there back in one line.
You know what he's got to do.
You know it's going to result in death and carnage.
All he's got to do is do it.
You sit comfortably stuffing your face while watching.
Yeah.
That is quite good because you could have a little bit at the beginning where he works out the lineage and works out that he technically will inherit the throne.
And all the million people he had to kill or the 9999999 would all be toffs.
And everyone loves to see toffs, get it?
Don't they?
Toffs in trouble.
Toffs in trobs.
Absolutely.
Okay, how about this from Robin Mile End?
Robot cop.
Half man, half machine, all police officer.
A policeman dies a gruesome death at the hands of evil men, gets fused with an experimental cyborg machine, and returns from the grave to wreak revenge on those that killed him and criminality per se.
No, no, no, Rob, that sounds derivative.
That sounds ridiculous, Rob.
No one's ever gonna make that.
You're insane.
That's the worst idea for a film I've ever heard.
Another one?
Yep.
When the death toll of rabbits on England's roads hits one billion, a revolutionary rabbit leads a war against humans.
The rabbit could be voiced by Warren G. Little hip hop rabbit joke.
But that's quite good.
It's like, what's the, is it Watership Down is the rabbit death film?
Yes.
Yeah, it's like an updated Watership Down.
Yeah?
Watership Down was brutal, wasn't it?
It was brutal, but imagine, you know, it's ready for revenge, isn't it?
Deadly rabbits.
Everyone was upset by that film.
Everyone's ready for those rabbits to get their own back.
To fight back.
Animals that are experimented on.
Name of that film?
Become mutated and go on a killing spree.
I can't believe no one's made that.
Yeah.
Watership gun down?
Yeah.
Watership what?
There's something in there, isn't there?
Watership takedown.
I like it, that's it.
Watership takedown.
Hey, hang on, let's play a bit more music, because we haven't heard your... only you did your other pitch, didn't you?
Yeah, I did have another one, but they're not, you know, they're not exactly the ones that are coming in.
Well, keep them coming in.
We'll do... we'll wrap this up in the next sort of 20 minutes, and we've still got some amazing prizes to give away.
Yeah, text your movie premises to 83XFM for, like, guaranteed action film premises.
Here's another free play.
This is The Doors.
There you go.
That's Muse with black holes and revelations.
No, that's not what it's called at all.
That's just one of the lines in the song.
It's called Starlight.
But that's that's the way people should name songs.
You know, I really object to anyone who names a song with a title that's got nothing to do with the main refrain.
Do you know what I mean?
But bands legally just be made to it's like Rainy Day, Women, Numbers.
What are the numbers?
You know that Bob Dylan song?
Everybody Must Get Stoned is what everyone thinks the song is called because that's all he sings throughout the song but it's actually called Rainy Day Women Numbers something I can never remember what the numbers are.
What are you talking about?
Just burbling.
I'm intervening.
Okay then.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9 we're in the midst of a text competition trying to get you to think up premises for action movies that deliver as efficiently and brilliantly as that for crank
Jason Statham's extraordinary new film that we highly recommend you go and see immediately.
So here are some more and we've got to pick a winner.
Yeah.
Are you ready?
Hit me.
Okay.
Global Warning is the title.
Yeah.
Okay.
This is from James in South Nutfield.
Global Warning.
Fears that the earth is heating up.
are just a conspiracy created by evil, cold-loving aliens.
That's good already, you see.
Our hero must save the Earth by blowing things up, starting fires and turning up radiators while the aliens, environmentalists and the public all try and stop him.
That's quite good, isn't it?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
The aliens want
They want humans to make the earth, to pollute the earth in order to bring on a second ice age then they can move in.
The human race will be destroyed and cold loving aliens will move in.
Got it?
I think I do.
Therefore global warming is a conspiracy.
Al Gore would be one of these aliens for instance and our hero has to... Well no that doesn't make sense does it because he'd have to stop global warming wouldn't he?
Oh, anyway, we don't understand that, James in Nutfield.
We're confused, and if we can't understand it, then your popcorn munching public aren't going to understand it, are they?
We're pretty stupid, you know?
We're a good stupidity filter.
Okay, what about this?
This has got a good title.
It's Maths and Assassin, put together.
The Mathsassin?
Yeah.
The Mathsassin, a lonely maths teacher.
sees his class kidnapped by drug barons on a school trip, he takes his vengeance by slowly hunting the bad guys down using maths, we assume.
We don't know how he hasn't thought that through.
Here's another one, hermaphrodroid.
Hermaphrodroid?
Good title.
Half man, half woman, military pleasure droid escapes from the military base that's his prison, clutches, and the clutches of his fetishist scientist creator.
Once at large in the world, the hermaphrodroid seeks for meaning and humanity in the core of his perverted circuitry.
That's from Ben Robinson.
That doesn't really, that's just like a sort of a porno film.
Yes, well, you know, a better take on that whole genre is species.
Exactly.
Okay, here's a good one.
This doesn't have a name.
A toxic leak from a power station affects the water and atmosphere around the UK.
Wildlife and pets are genetically altered into rampant killing beasts.
Their prey is man.
Hunting packs of cows rampage through Milton Keynes.
Salmon gorge on fishermen on a Scottish riverbank.
Killer pigeons crap radioactive poo on Londoners.
It's 28 days later meets piranha.
That's quite good, isn't it?
Cos I was thinking a film where squirrels, garden squirrels, and blue tits started killing people would be quite frightening.
Do you reckon?
Yeah, I do.
I'm not so sure.
I don't really get that frightened about animals.
No, of course they're not frightening, but they're everywhere, so if they did become a threat, then you'd be in trouble.
I know, but even when they go berserk or whatever in films... Do you know what?
I've never seen The Birds, Alfred Hitchcock.
Really?
Just cos I find the idea so... That is quite good.
I know.
I mean, obviously it's like a classic film.
What about in Omen II, when the raven attacks the woman's hair and she gets squashed by a truck?
that bothered.
Oh you're just cold-hearted.
I'm interested in the truck squashing.
Okay how about this.
Now this is quite sophisticated so so have a think about this.
Limvisti.
Little ones gonna go and see Limvisti.
But it's quite a good idea.
A SWAT cop breaks up what he thinks is a big drug exchange in a warehouse.
Turns out it's aliens doing stuff.
Anyway...
He gets hit by a random ray of science light, and because of his helmet and a bulletproof vest, his limbs go invisible, but not his head and his torso.
Well, to cut a long story short... Limb visibility.
Yeah.
Well, he spelt it wrong.
Right.
People think he's like a paraplegic with no limbs.
Yeah.
But actually, the limbs are just invisible.
So he's like a floating torso.
So he's able to do a floating torso who can do karate on people.
Now, that's pretty good, isn't it?
That's from Dave Gregory.
Dave.
Dave, you're a clever man.
What were you doing last night?
Okay, but possibly even better than that is helicopter.
A cop hell-bent on revenge is fitted with cranial rotor blades, he flies and hovers, and shreds his enemies' awestruck faces off.
You know, that's like Inspector Gadget.
Yeah, but with a gory kind of angle on it for adults.
You know, they should do Inspector Gadget as a more adult thing, where he's just a killing machine.
Yeah, they should.
They probably will now that you've suggested it.
Okay, good.
So who's going to win?
I don't know, I'll give you, do you want one more?
Yeah, go on.
This is from Glenn in Battersea.
Nice use of the phrase broad-spectrum antivenom.
Yeah.
Snakes might be a bit played out in action films, but I like the idea of a story based around the late, great Steve Irwin, where he actually has to get himself attacked.
He has to provoke animals.
Right.
They won't be able to do that for a while because of the tastelessness of the subject.
I don't know, I think that's actually an added incentive.
He's been canonised.
Stripe while the iron's hot.
He's been dianified, you know.
Has he?
In Australia.
Really?
It's a real, I mean, national mourning.
Dianified.
I completely sympathised, though.
I was very upset when I heard about poor old Steve.
But I mean, you know, you can't take away from the fact that that is quite a classic way to go.
I mean, it's very sad, especially for his family.
It's horrible.
But, you know, Steve probably would have wanted it that way.
I imagine everybody said that this week.
But if you'd written a more poetic demise,
Well, rather you couldn't, is what I'm saying.
So who's going to win the competition?
I don't know.
Let's decide.
Let's play another record, decide and see if we can get the winner on the line.
OK, let's do that.
This is Scott Matthews with Illusive.
That's kind of psychedelic and relaxing.
That would be perfect for some kind of mobile phone or car advert.
That's true, isn't it?
Scott Matthews, he's big news at the moment.
Hey, more exciting news.
Go on then.
We've got Hollywood's top pitchmeister on the phone.
Ooh.
Dave Gregory.
Hello, Dave, are you there?
Hello, sir.
How are you doing, Dave?
Not bad, not bad.
How's Los Angeles?
Pretty kind of shiny.
Yeah.
Shiny people, shiny things.
Dave, can you remind us of your pitch once again, please?
Yes, I did spell it wrong.
Limvisity.
Now, I read it wrong.
You did spell it right, mate.
Did I?
Oh, you spelt it wrong the first time, then right the second time.
Second time.
That's nice.
Limvisity.
Yes, and Daniel Craigson, the cop, gets hit by a science light.
Wait a second.
Rewind, rewind.
Daniel Craig's son,
No, not Daniel Craig's son.
But the character's called Daniel Craigson?
Yes.
Why?
I made it up.
That's good.
That's a good reason.
Yeah.
So he's hit by a science ray.
A ray of science.
A science light.
So is this just mean an angle poised lamp belonging to a scientist?
No, it's much more sophisticated.
It's burst out of a lab somewhere.
It's something from, say, MOSMOS.
Yeah, I get you.
All right.
Yeah, it's a science light with atoms of science in it.
Yeah.
And it hits him and what happens?
He breaks down the visual molecules of his lens.
Visual molecules?
Visual molecules.
and makes them unseeable by the human eye.
Wow, you must be a scientist because you're using all these scientific terms.
There's a lot of technical angles.
Keep going though, keep going, this is a good pitch man.
Yep, yep, and it's all backed up with long bits of science speaking.
The Alien Mafia did this by accident, by the way.
The Alien Mafia.
And then he takes revenge on the Alien Mafia by beating him up, but they can't see his punches coming.
So it's a bit like, what's his name in Forrest Gump?
Who's that actor that had his legs CGI'd out?
Gary Sinise.
Gary Sinise, yeah.
And he'll pretend to be a small, disabled, helpless chap.
And then suddenly leap off and kick the decades of certain experiments.
That's good as well, because you get that thing, don't you?
Apparently if you have lost a limb, you often get a kind of ghost memory.
A sense memory of the limb.
So it would be a terrific kind of wish fulfilment for people in that situation.
Everyone would see it.
It's a big market.
The pink pound.
I don't know what sort of a pound that is.
That's brilliant.
You're very clever, Dave.
No wonder you live in Los Angeles and are very wealthy.
So Dave, prize-wise, it's either a trip to go and see Spadeface.
What's his name?
Richard Ashcroft.
Or Jet at the Carling Academy.
No, we've given away the Jet tickets.
Or a copy of
Or a copy of Dark Knight.
I tell you what, we'll throw in a copy of Dark Knight anyway, cos, um... OK, so I've got my options as limit as done for.
Yeah, we're not asking you, we're telling you.
Do you want the Spadeface tickets, though?
It's more than your prize on me.
Yeah.
That's fine, yes, I'll go and see Spadeface.
Go and see Spadeface and watch Dark Knight.
I might when I get back.
Yeah, you're... Thanks for calling, Dave.
You're very clever and good luck with the rest of your film career.
Thank you.
Good work.
Thank you.
Thanks, man.
Have a great weekend.
Cheers.
That was Dave.
Fantastic.
Winning our text competition this afternoon.
Right, we are into the final hour, the X list in a few minutes just after the news.
Joe, did you have something to add there?
Well, only that we've forgotten once again to canvas requests for the X list.
This is why it's being taken away from us.
We've forgotten, you know, we can almost do it on purpose so we can just play free plays for an hour and put fake names behind them.
Yeah.
But if you do have a request, text it in 83 XFM and we'll endeavor to play it.
Let's just rename it Good Music Fake Names.
The A and J list.
The Good Music Fake Names Hour here on XFM.
That's coming up shortly.
Oh, so that's, hang on, sorry, we're back on air.
Well we're just, we're getting a coat.
That was a little disaster area there, just for a second.
I pressed the wrong button there.
I always like to press one wrong button a week, and I pressed the wrong one just there.
So you heard little, little, little man trail there.
Yeah, that was exciting.
Little Man looks like a really good film.
The Wayans Brothers.
I'll see anything by the Wayans Brothers.
Yeah, he's a gangster on the run and he has to hide out in the body of a baby or he pretends to be a baby.
I don't know, but it's got hilarious jokes about like sexualizing breastfeeding.
Yes, exactly.
Which is funny.
You know, I've been waiting for someone to sexualize breastfeeding.
It's the last thing not to be sexualized.
So it's about time too.
Well done, Wayans Brothers.
Yeah, because anything with babies behaving as if they were randy men... Yeah, is useful, societally.
Absolutely.
So listen, we're in the final hour here, this is the X list, and that was Beck of course with New Pollution kicking us off there at the top of the hour.
If you have any requests, if you'd like to hear an XFM classic of any kind, then give us a call, 08712221049 if you'd like to hear a song or dedicate a song or whatever you want.
If you just want to chat,
give us a shout and I'm gonna be telling you about my exciting week as a movie star Wow later on but right now here's here's a another free play this is one of yours Joe and yeah this is the far side with she keeps on passing me by
That was the far side with passing me by.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9.
We're in the midst of the X-list hour, so send your requests to 83XFM for classic XFM-type tunes, and we'll endeavour to play them for you.
Now, it's Hollywood Anecdote Time, because my radio partner Adam Buxton has secured a part in a film.
Yeah.
And now tell us about this film, Adam.
What is it called?
Well, it's a film called Stardust.
Right.
Is it based on the famous Neil Gaiman book of the same name?
I don't think the book is called Stardust, though, is it?
I don't know.
I think it's got a different title.
I've never read any Neil Gaiman.
I'm ashamed to admit, but he's enormously popular and has a huge global following.
And this film's directed by Matthew Vaughn, right?
The director of Layer Cake, also one of the Lock Stock.
He's the producer of Lock Stock.
Erstwhile, producing partner of Guy Ritchie.
Yeah.
And so you were up at Pinewood, right?
Which is a glamorous collection of barns.
It's exciting.
Well basically what happened was that Noel Fielding from The Mighty Boosh was supposed to be in this film.
But he got ill, unfortunately.
He's okay, I'm glad to say.
But he wasn't sufficiently well.
So you filled in.
So I filled in right at the last moment.
Which will disappoint Boosh fans no doubt but it delighted me because I was able to be part of this amazing film and Although I'm not actually in any scenes with the following people I'm able to say that I'm in a film with yeah Robert De Niro Michelle Pfeiffer Claire Danes Wow Ricky Gervais not Ricky Gervais.
He's the world's greatest actor.
He's the world's greatest actor and
And all these people and many, many more very talented people.
But you play, right?
Am I right in saying you're one of a kind of chorus of ghosts?
That's right, yeah.
Who are like a Greek chorus, they comment on the action.
Yeah.
And so you were doing some stuff dressed as a ghost against a green screen.
I'm thinking of it being a bit like Rent-A-Ghost.
or Neil Jordan's High Spirits.
It's like, it's exactly like Rent-A-Ghost.
Yeah.
Who are the other ghosts?
The other ghosts, well there's seven of us in total.
Mark Strong, do you know him?
He was, he's a really talented actor and he was in, he's just been in Sunshine.
Fine, whatever, hit us with the big names.
Anyway, okay, well the, he is a big name.
Rupert Everett.
Yeah, that's more like it.
Yeah.
And the other ones are people that you'll know from TV shows people like Mark Heap from Greenway s who plays the crazed doctor and he was also in space of course and David Walliams yes UK king of comedy and What about Rupert Everett?
Rupert Everett.
What about him?
I talked about him.
Didn't you mention he was in it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Julian Rhine-Tutt.
He's also in Green Wing.
There's the handsome one.
And how were they?
I'm interested in how was... Jason Fleming of course.
How was Rupert Everett?
Well the thing is about the other ghosts, I've got quite a serious wound as a ghost.
I probably shouldn't say too much about the thing, although I did ask if it was okay to talk about it and the writer of the film told me that it was okay.
Anyway, so I've got a little wound basically.
I've got a sort of head trauma.
I've done a couple of films this year and in each one I've had severe head trauma of some kind.
And in this one I'm also quite badly damaged but my face is okay.
But the other actors have to have like massive quite extensive prosthetics because they've all been killed in various gruesome ways and that's why they're ghosts now.
And Rupert Everett is one of the people, Walliams as well, also has a lot of makeup.
They've got like four or five hours of makeup every morning.
And it's really horrible and uncomfortable for them.
And they have to go around for the rest of the day for ten hours wearing this stuff.
It's really grim.
So they go into a little private place.
Not as grim as doing an actual job though.
I would say it.
It's really uncomfortable.
It's so itchy and horrible they can't touch it or anything.
It's really hot in the studio and under the lights and everything.
And then they've got to act as well on top of the whole thing.
So basically they kind of zone out and they go inside themselves and they go very very quiet.
But obviously I don't know Rupert Everett that well, so it's quite frightening and intimidating because he's quite a big acting star.
And I was nervous anyway because obviously I'm not like a well-trained, skillful actor as such, and I was worried that I would just be persecuted by these people who are thinking, what's he doing here?
Why the hell have they got him in?
I thought Walliams might do that, but he's not.
He's been very nice, Dave.
very nice to uh to work with him to work with him terrific stuff but i asked rupert everett about uh when i did have a little chat with him i asked him the main thing i wanted to know was what was robert um what was uh bob dylan like you know right right because he was in uh what is it called hearts of fire yeah that weird 80s film that's right uh where he plays uh uh rupert everett plays like a new a brand new rock star and uh uh bob dylan is the kind of yoda figure that kind of older mentor figure right yes yoda is a very
very accurate description of what Bob Dylan is like now actually.
What did he say?
What did he say about Dylan?
He said Dylan was amazing.
He was like a real big Dylan fan anyway.
We're talking about the new album, the fact that the new album's really good.
New album's number one you know.
Is it?
Yeah it's not bad for like a 16, 18 year old man.
Timberlake will soon knock that off.
You reckon?
Yeah.
But he said that Dylan was great, but when they made the film Hearts Afire, Dylan was going through the tail end of quite a long period of being a bit of a druggie and drinker.
So he was fairly addled most of the time, I think, and didn't do too much chatting.
But they had to shoot a scene in the back of a limo and the limo was on a sound stage, like in a studio, you know?
And so they were just in this limo the whole afternoon, like hours and hours, they just sat there.
acting away and at the end of the finally they wrapped the scene and they got out of the limo and and Dylan just said to Rupert Everett where's the hotel man he thought they'd been driving around no in a real car I can't see the hotel where is it
He must probably be a very good actor, because he just thinks everything around him is actually happening.
It's why he's such a great actor.
Well, man, I'm looking forward to that.
And we've had a couple of texts in saying that the book is called Stardust, and apparently it's amazing.
I don't doubt that at all.
And just another quick message for Sarah in Kent, who was listening to our discussion there of breastfeeding as it appears in the film Little Man.
And she seems to be a bit insulted, thinking that we were talking about sexualizing breastfeeding.
Sarah, we were describing scenes in the film Little Man.
And we were sort of ironically pointing out how appalling it is that little man does that.
We weren't ourselves advocating the practice.
It's something we do quite a lot.
Say stupid things in the hope that people realise we're not serious about them.
But every now and then it's worth pointing out not to take everything we say at face value as our opinions.
But we're sorry if we upset you Sarah and Kent.
But we actually agree with you.
Yeah, we agree, although I personally wouldn't rule out some breastfeeding myself if it was offered to me.
Let's do it.
Play the record.
This is the Dead Kennedys with California Uber Alles.
And this is my breast.
Go for it.
Okay!
That's amazing, isn't it?
That's Echo and the Bunnymen with the Killing Moon.
Echo and the Bunnymen were poised at one stage in their career to be the biggest band on the planet like U2 became eventually.
It was between Echo and the Bunnymen and U2.
They were that big.
It's hard to remember.
Well, they're still massively respected, aren't they?
Yeah, of course.
Doesn't Chris Martin worship Ian McCulloch?
yes he does absolutely no no no there's no question there's discerning people would rate them higher than you two perhaps yeah um but yeah that was a fantastic track this is joe cornish and adam buckston here on xfm for another 26 minutes i don't know something like that uh now listeners if you're uh keen followers of investigative
consumer programs on television, you might have caught the latest exciting BBC One show in that genre.
It's called Old Dog's New Tricks and it stars Esther Ranson and what's she called?
Jane Foldy Whittington or something?
Lin Faulds Wood.
There we go.
Esther bends metal.
Lin Faulds Wood.
And they're two very experienced consumer journalists.
Esther, of course, used to host That's Life and Lin Foldy Woods used to host Watchdog.
And they've been teamed up to present a brand new consumer interest show that has basically blown open the genre and redefined the entire thing.
Right, Adam Buxton?
Well, I find it difficult to comment because... Well, the reason Adam Buxton finds it difficult to comment, listeners, is because he does the voiceover on it.
And I was startled to turn on the telly and see this extraordinary programme and to hear my comedy partner, long time friend, voicing it over.
So I'm going to tease him about it now.
I'd like you to join me as we listen to some clips from Adam Buxton's voice over of old dogs, new tricks.
I should describe the show first a bit, though.
Basically, yes, the Ranson.
is in denial about her age and these are all Joe Cornish's opinions, nothing to do with Adam Buxton, he doesn't agree with this at all.
So she's made herself, she's lovely, a brilliant, talented broadcaster but she's painted her hair bright red and her lipstick's bright red and she's wearing jeans designed for a 13 year old and the rear view is very odd.
Well she was made over, wasn't she, recently for a show.
She was given a completely new look.
Right.
And I think- By Dr. Frankenstein.
Come on.
She does look odd, though.
She looks great for a woman of her age.
She look- Well, I don't know.
It depends whether you find that.
I would find a woman who was more natural-looking attractive.
But anyway, that's just me.
That's just me.
And then, so, but she's a brilliant presenter, and she's sexy, and vivacious, and spunky.
Can I use that word in the 50's sense?
Yeah, I'd like you to.
Whereas Linfold's words is kind of more hard-boiled.
slightly grumpy but in a very exciting way and basically the scenario is this they've got a funky flat like a warehouse flat it's all painted white there's fluffy mirrors and cool egg-shaped chairs and state-of-the-art laptops and these two women hang out there investigating consumer affairs in a very very stylish way and the whole program's presented like a thriller
a sexy detective story like as if it was like a cop show with two mature women but instead of investigating crimes well they're still investigating crimes are kind of sort of consumer crimes like in this case in this episode it's pills that promise to enlarge your breasts that's right and patches that promise to enlarge your penis yeah
Right?
And this gives them a great chance for some playful, sexy, and you-end-on-it comedy.
So imagine all these elements thrown into the mix and just imagine what plops out at the other end.
Voiced over by Adam.
And they do it like a drama.
There's little bits of drama where they're chatting to each other.
They don't just present the contents of the show like subjects will emerge conversationally in little staged bits of drama.
Well it's like Thelma and Louise.
It is like Thelma and Louise.
But not quite as good.
and then Adam you do the voiceover but you you have a very good sort of approach it's as if you're kind of a nutty man who lives in their air conditioning system and is watching what they do and commenting on it a bit like Rutger Hauer in the Hider in the House or whatever that film was so you're just spying on them and you're in love with them and you're excited about by everything they do so let's let's listen to Adam's opening bit of VO from that from the top of the show and just get a handle on on your tone and the way you approach it because it's very impressive
That's the wrong one.
That's a record as well.
Here we go.
Oh no, isn't it?
Sorry.
You're so multi-talented.
Voice-overs, movie appearances, and also an award-winning DJ.
We've never won awards.
You can say that, can't you?
The phrase award-winning is applicable to anything these days.
You don't have to actually win an award.
Are you ready?
Do you know what number it is on that CD?
Size Matters for Lin and Esther.
Two women, one mission.
Busting the pills that say they'll make your breasts bigger.
The penis patch that promises extra inches.
Do any of the claims stand up?
That went from very small to very big very quickly.
Do any of the claims stand up?
That's a little innuendo.
It's a little innuendo.
A little bit of a willy joke.
So that, but I'm not, I'm not taking the mick or anything there, it's just, I'm excited.
It's a different tone, isn't it?
You've changed your voice a bit, you've made it a bit more upbeat.
Yeah.
and kind of you're relishing the content there but this is my favorite clip if you skip the one about esther making her breasts bigger by chanting and go to the next one this sounds like a clip from a different more interesting show okay unnerved by lativio's penis exercises esther seeks medical help yeah
That's a more interesting show.
That's the Sikhs psychiatric help because of some sort of penis-based trauma.
You know what, I think that was a deliberately funny line.
Well, yeah.
No, I think that's true.
I think that is true.
But, you know, listeners, you should tune in next week because there's exciting things coming up next week.
If you play the last clip, it's the tease for next week.
Next week on Old Dog's New Tricks.
Undercover in the company built on a lie.
No wonder when the ladies arrive, the boss turns nasty.
That's Linfold's words getting stroppy because they're pushing.
Don't push the cameraman, you've got Esther Rantzen in your office.
Who could answer to that?
I did make it sound quite exciting, though.
You did, man.
A company built on a lie?
It's built on a huge lie.
That's amazing.
A giant lie.
What construction company uses lies as actual foundations for buildings?
Well, exactly.
I mean, you know, they're notoriously unstable.
Big truck full of lies.
You know?
reversing early in the morning.
The thing about lice is that they are relatively cheap.
Right.
So they're easy to buy in bulk.
Right.
You know, you can build the foundations of the thing with lice, but they generally don't last that long.
Yeah, most companies are built on them these days.
Yeah.
Anyway, cement is better.
Cement is better.
But there you go.
That's Old Dog's new tricks.
An exciting show.
How do you feel about it?
Have you been watching it?
Yeah, man, I always watch it.
You know, I get very excited if I'm doing a voiceover for something and it comes on and I'm always like turning on the TV and stuff casually.
I'm like, oh yeah, I'm going to the kitchen.
My wife's in there maybe doing some cooking or whatever in the kitchen and I'll turn it on and I'll just sort of stand there and wait for my voice to pop up and I kind of look back.
Drop your trousers.
Yeah, yeah.
And everything gets a little bit sexy.
That's good stuff.
And when's it on?
When's it on?
Thursday nights.
There you go.
It's extraordinary.
BBC One.
Yeah.
And especially if you're a drag queen, you can get lots of ideas for outfits and stuff from it.
So there we go.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
Now here's a free play.
I want to play this one for Rosie.
from Eagle Vision.
Rosie very kindly sent me a couple of Pixies DVDs.
They've got amazing DVDs of like classic Pixies concerts that have just been released.
I've never seen these before so I'm really really excited about it.
Thanks very much Rosie.
I don't have any Pixies with me this week but here is a track from Frank Black.
Frank Black from his album Teenager of the Year, that's called Super Abound.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM in the last quarter of an hour of The X-List.
It's not too late to get your requests in.
08712221049 if you'd like to hear something from The X-List.
We've got to play some more ads and we'll be back with you very shortly.
I feel like a nerd to text in and tell me what the name of the drum machine Prince used to use was, you know?
Because it was so distinctive.
Yeah, that's a very distinctive... Yeah, it's got funny effects on it.
It's like he's hitting something with bamboo, do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like his knee.
Like his knee?
His knee.
He's hitting his knee.
If his knee was also made of bamboo.
Or maybe he's hitting the knee of someone else with bamboo, like Sheila E or someone.
Bamboo.
I wouldn't be surprised if one of his band was called Bamboo.
Bamboo.
Yo, Bamboo!
So this is Adam and Joe.
We're running out of time.
We've only got six minutes left.
So this is the bit when we thank everybody who texted in.
We've got thousands of texts this morning and thanks to everybody who texted in with their movie ideas and their requests.
We didn't even get many insults today.
Did we not?
I think we only got one and that was quite mild.
So it's been a good morning.
That's good.
Good.
Excellent um hey listen folks if you're a fan of the podcast i'm really sorry there wasn't one last week uh that's because you know we were both very busy and trying to keep the quality up trying to keep the quality yeah you know what i mean unless we can make it good we we kind of figure don't do one we could have done one you know i've got one here we could have done one but it was it was
What was it like, Joe?
It's alright.
I lifted a bit out of last week's show, but we like to add some extra stuff and we didn't have time, because believe it or not, we both have jobs during the week.
You don't, come on.
I do, yeah.
Really?
Well, sort of.
Sort of.
We keep busy during the week.
Yeah, yeah, I've got this job.
I do, when I'm not working in films, I move bricks.
Yeah, just little Lego bricks, but they're still, I know.
I have to move them.
Do you?
Right.
Could you supply them with more of the blue boxes, you know, the larger boxes with the flip?
Yeah, sure.
Can you do something about the design of the flip top thing?
You know, because you raise it.
I don't have that much influence.
But the aperture there is not sufficiently large.
You just want to knock out a couple sometimes.
Right.
You have to really shake it around to get there.
Anyway, that's our working week.
And that's the reason we couldn't do a podcast last week.
We're really sorry.
But we'll definitely do one this week.
And we're going to go into the studio to record some stuff specially for that.
Yeah, it should be a good one.
It would be funny.
It might be.
It might be awful.
Time trumpet don't forget.
I think it's the last episode this week of the show time trumpet.
Yeah, don't forget crank Jason Statham in crank if you want a good time tonight Get yourself a tiny bit tutti and go and see crank.
I might do that I'll give you your money back if you don't like it.
That's that's a good guy when I say I yeah, I don't mean me
I mean, a friend of mine called, I will give you the money back or something, I don't know, but you know what I mean, I don't actually mean that, but I sort of do.
Yeah.
It's so good.
What if a person who didn't like it came in here to explain why they didn't like it and had a debate with you live on air?
Then I would offer to, we could have the money like at stake.
Yeah.
Okay, so if you see Crank this week.
And don't like it.
And you absolutely don't like it, and you've got a coherent, non-mental argument for why you don't like it.
We can get you on the phone.
Then we can at least get you on the phone, but it would be better if you could come into the studio and battle it out with Joe live on air.
And if you don't like it, he will refund you.
And if you win the debate, you know, the odds are against you, obviously, because we control everything.
Because we control it.
But if you can convince us that you're right and Joe's wrong, we'll give you your money back.
How about that?
Now, I'll leave you this week with Jonathan Richman.
Meet Rock coming up very shortly.
Yes.
Mick Rock is a bit like Jason Stratham in Crank, but the other way around, as if a man has been injected with a drug that requires him to be as dull as possible for two hours, otherwise he'll die.
And he does a brilliant job.
That's my opinion.
Joe Cornish, I'll probably get fired saying that.
He's brilliant, man.
He's genius and you should check out the show.
He plays a lot of amazing music and he is a ledge.
He's a ledge.
What I'm saying is his delivery is very laid back.
I'm Mick Rock.
Rock and roll.
What a great thing rock and roll is.
I remember Chuck Berry.
This is me rock.
That kind of thing.
I rest my case.
We'll be with you again next week.
Lots of love.
Bye.